The Diamond Peddlers (1976)
Il vangelo secondo Simone e Matteo (original title)
1h 25min | Comedy, Drama | 29 January 1976 (Italy)
Bumbling crooks Butch and Toby pose as priests in order to elude being arrested by the authorities in Africa. Butch and Toby deliver a statue of the Virgin Mary from Africa to Amsterdam. Unbeknownst to the clueless duo, they're really smuggling diamonds. A group of equally inept mobsters give chase.
Director: Giuliano Carnimeo
Writers: Pierre-Louis Alberti (story), Giuliano Carnimeo (story)
Stars: Antonio Cantafora, Paul L. Smith, Dominic Barto
Il vangelo secondo Simone e Matteo (original title)
1h 25min | Comedy, Drama | 29 January 1976 (Italy)
Bumbling crooks Butch and Toby pose as priests in order to elude being arrested by the authorities in Africa. Butch and Toby deliver a statue of the Virgin Mary from Africa to Amsterdam. Unbeknownst to the clueless duo, they're really smuggling diamonds. A group of equally inept mobsters give chase.
Director: Giuliano Carnimeo
Writers: Pierre-Louis Alberti (story), Giuliano Carnimeo (story)
Stars: Antonio Cantafora, Paul L. Smith, Dominic Barto
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Next. Oh, it's you, Phil.
00:00:19No, sir.
00:00:20Now then, you're owed five pounds, subtracting advances.
00:00:24The two cases of bananas you managed to eat today,
00:00:27the twenty-four coconuts, the two sacks of dates for breakfast this morning,
00:00:32you owe me two pounds thirty-three.
00:00:36You want to pay me now, or shall I chalk it up?
00:00:38Got you, mate.
00:00:40Add it to the four hundred and twenty-four.
00:00:43I find that makes four hundred and twenty-six pounds thirty-three.
00:00:46Sorry, mates.
00:00:48Just how the hell are we going to pay it?
00:00:50Oh, easy. I signed you up for the elephant detail.
00:00:52You've got to use your teeth, picking up tree trunks.
00:00:55I told the man six months maximum.
00:00:57Thanks.
00:00:58Oh, no trouble.
00:01:00Hey, to pay the hotel bill, we're going to have to sign up for the rhinoceros detail,
00:01:04and I ain't gonna.
00:01:06What are you talking about, schmuck?
00:01:08That man's going to buttonhole us if he sees us.
00:01:10If he sees us?
00:01:11Yeah.
00:01:14I shot him, damn it.
00:01:26Why don't you move away?
00:01:28Oh, I have to make wider windows.
00:01:30Would you watch out?
00:01:34Come on.
00:01:44The landlord hears us, we're shafted.
00:01:47Listen, I know run very well on an empty stomach.
00:01:51Couldn't we escape after lunch?
00:01:53Are you kidding? What lunch?
00:01:55Yeah, that's right. What lunch?
00:02:04Well, well.
00:02:09What have we here?
00:02:11What the hell do you think?
00:02:13Does it belong to you?
00:02:14No, it's my mother-in-law.
00:02:16Which you're kidding, would you?
00:02:17Who's kidding? It really belongs to my mother-in-law, and I love it.
00:02:21Oh, just stupid twit. All the debts we've piled up, and you're hiding a treasure.
00:02:25What treasure?
00:02:26My very gun. Do you know how much we can get for this in Levine's pawn shop?
00:02:29I don't pawn my mother-in-law.
00:02:42Mr. Levine, I want a lot of money, chum.
00:02:45Don't be a skinflint now.
00:02:47She's never missed a shot yet, so don't try to pull a fast one.
00:02:50No, no, Mr. No.
00:02:52Help! Thieves!
00:02:54Call Mr. Moreau!
00:02:56Call Mr. Moreau! Help! Thieves!
00:02:58Call Mr. Moreau! Help! Help! Thieves!
00:03:01They tried to rob me! Help! Help!
00:03:04Calm down, Mr. Moreau.
00:03:06We were just trying to get some money for this gun.
00:03:11I only wanted to pawn my mother-in-law here. We need money!
00:03:15The police! The police!
00:03:20Come here! Come on, will ya?
00:03:34Just hold on to this for a minute, will ya?
00:03:50And together we'll go out to the net
00:03:52And make a big hell to eat without them two
00:04:02Simon, dammit, please watch where you put your big fat feet, please. Come on!
00:04:05Oy, oy, oy, such a hit.
00:04:11But I was coming from the right.
00:04:13There they are! There they are!
00:04:20Hup!
00:04:25The door!
00:04:29This way! This way!
00:04:31The door!
00:04:33That's right.
00:04:35Knock and the door shall open.
00:04:37And remember, brothers, that salvation is found only in the house of the Lord.
00:04:41Let us pray.
00:04:46You out of your gourd!
00:04:50There!
00:04:52The Lord be with you. The Lord cause his face to shine upon you.
00:04:58All rise.
00:05:07The mass is over.
00:05:09You look very good in that thing. I'm surprised we found your size.
00:05:11They must have had a real fat accolade.
00:05:13I keep telling you, that's all muscle. Every bit of it.
00:05:16From the neck up, I know...
00:05:18Shut up and let's get lost.
00:05:20Here you are at last.
00:05:26Welcome to the house of the Lord.
00:05:28We've been expecting you forever.
00:05:30Or so it seems. We were beginning to wonder what had happened.
00:05:33We were beginning to worry about you.
00:05:35So were we. But the telegram announcing your arrival came over a month ago.
00:05:38Why this delay, my sons?
00:05:40Ah, Father, we had a terrible trip. A terrible trip.
00:05:43But however, it's better if Simon explains it to you.
00:05:46Explain.
00:05:48We had a terrible trip.
00:05:50I even sent a telegram to Rome to see what I could find out.
00:05:53And they answered that you'd be here soon, within a week.
00:05:56A lot of money in my head.
00:05:58In telegrams.
00:05:59We were getting a bit worried. But now you're here, that's the important thing.
00:06:02That's right.
00:06:04That's all that matters.
00:06:06My sons, you must be very mixed up from your trip. You're going the wrong way.
00:06:09You must be very tired.
00:06:11I'm a thousand times tired than he is.
00:06:13Ah, excuse me, Father.
00:06:14Yes?
00:06:15We're looking for two men.
00:06:16One is tall and thick-set with a black beard, and the other is skinny and blonde.
00:06:19We were following them, and we saw them come into the church through the back door.
00:06:22Tell me, son, why are you looking for them?
00:06:24They're criminals, Father.
00:06:26They almost got away with a robbery five minutes ago.
00:06:28And they almost killed poor old Levine.
00:06:30If we can help you.
00:06:32Only, I'm afraid we didn't see anyone.
00:06:34Perhaps if you could describe them better.
00:06:37They looked a lot like you two.
00:06:39On the bigger one's feet was a white pair of sneakers.
00:06:53I still say they came into the church.
00:06:55I'm sure of it.
00:06:56I assure you that the only people in this church are myself and my two brethren who have just come in from Rome.
00:07:01However, please feel free to look around if you like.
00:07:04I'm going to show our two poor little lost lambs to their rooms.
00:07:06They must be dreadfully tired.
00:07:08Oh, boy, do we need rest.
00:07:17Now, this is your own little room, my sons.
00:07:20Here are the blankets, should you feel cold.
00:07:23And here is the bathroom, should you feel the need to.
00:07:26You understand.
00:07:28Have yourselves a nice rest.
00:07:30And be sure you remember, dinner is at seven o'clock.
00:07:34And be punctual.
00:07:35We'll be there at three.
00:07:37Fine.
00:07:38Now, once again, welcome.
00:07:40Now, both of you, go to beddy-bye.
00:07:45Let's haul ass out of here.
00:07:47Sime!
00:07:48What do you think you're doing?
00:07:49Sime!
00:07:50Hold on.
00:07:52Come here.
00:07:54Don't you like this place?
00:07:55Come on.
00:07:56It's wonderful.
00:07:57Goodbye.
00:07:58Just hold on a damn minute, will you?
00:07:59Look, that priest obviously thinks we're a couple of other guys.
00:08:02We're in a religious retreat.
00:08:03We've got security.
00:08:04No troubles.
00:08:05Two square meals a day.
00:08:06Even three.
00:08:07We'll be living like a couple of kings, you dig?
00:08:09Mattresses and sheets.
00:08:11Try it out.
00:08:15What do you say?
00:08:16Last time I saw stuff like this was in a cradle.
00:08:24Would you believe pastrami?
00:08:27No.
00:08:28That's corned beef.
00:08:29You sure?
00:08:30Hell, yeah.
00:08:32With mustard.
00:08:34You see?
00:08:35In the house of the Lord, food is never far away.
00:08:58Thanks.
00:09:00Thanks.
00:09:07You better hurry.
00:09:08It may not last much longer.
00:09:09No, my son.
00:09:10We're doing penance.
00:09:11Oh?
00:09:12You must have done something awful.
00:09:15Don't talk with your mouth full, all right?
00:09:24Here comes the reinforcement.
00:09:27It's marvelous to see people who know how to eat with pleasure,
00:09:30who enjoy their food.
00:09:32And I mean everything you're eating with your own hands.
00:09:34Absolutely.
00:09:36Yes, I can see you two really understand food.
00:09:39Make your ass, please.
00:09:40Won't you at least sit down?
00:09:41We can't eat like this with you standing there.
00:09:43Yes, of course.
00:09:44Let's sit down.
00:09:47I'm so glad you're here.
00:09:48I was so anxious to meet you.
00:09:49We were all anxious to meet them.
00:09:51Now, which one of you two boys is Father Agostini, then?
00:09:56He is.
00:10:00Which is Father Campagnoli, then?
00:10:03I am.
00:10:04I am.
00:10:07You're too much, you cats.
00:10:10I can see you do like your little joke.
00:10:14Oh, it's wonderful to have two fresh young sprites like you around.
00:10:17Fine boys, indeed.
00:10:18But we must never get too attached to them, you know.
00:10:21We may never see them again.
00:10:23After all, you realize what they're in for.
00:10:25It's going to be a shame to say goodbye to them so soon.
00:10:27As you are aware, your destinies lie in a far-off land
00:10:30in the Amazon jungle of South America, a land of dangers.
00:10:33There they have need of young men full of enthusiasm, yes.
00:10:36You had great bravery, indeed.
00:10:38Thanks.
00:10:39Yes, you've chosen the path of danger, of martyrdom.
00:10:41You've chosen maybe even death.
00:10:44One never knows how things like this will end up.
00:10:47Let's find out.
00:10:49The two missionaries, the boys we sent down there last year.
00:10:52What did they...
00:10:53Not a word for a long time.
00:10:55Nobody knew what might have happened to them.
00:10:57Did they find them?
00:10:58Oh, yes.
00:11:00Their bones.
00:11:09Enough, enough.
00:11:10My sons, I'm very sorry, but now I must leave you.
00:11:13I'll be gone for a week.
00:11:15During my absence, the running of the church will depend upon you.
00:11:18My two friends will help you as much as their age will allow,
00:11:21which is not much more than kitchen work.
00:11:24And when I get back, I'm sure we'll get our project off to a perfect start.
00:11:28Now I leave you, or else I'll be...
00:11:36Amen.
00:11:39Give to the church, my daughter, give.
00:11:41I have no money for it.
00:11:42No?
00:11:43Nothing.
00:11:44Look.
00:11:45You haven't even got any pocket money.
00:11:47That's the way it goes.
00:11:49Well, how much?
00:11:53I'm surprised they left me with this gizmo.
00:11:56Excuse me, fathers.
00:12:03Where do we go to confess?
00:12:05To the police.
00:12:06You want to be absolved of your sins, right?
00:12:08I'm afraid you're a little slow on the uptake.
00:12:10I don't mind starting.
00:12:12My daughter.
00:12:13No.
00:12:15I'll match you.
00:12:16I'll match you.
00:12:18All right.
00:12:19Evens.
00:12:20Ours.
00:12:21Bim, bam, boom.
00:12:22Seven.
00:12:23Ours.
00:12:26Come, my dear.
00:12:29All right, let's go.
00:12:31Move it.
00:12:40Get it off your chest.
00:12:42It's been going on like this for two years.
00:12:44But my family, they don't like him.
00:12:46He wants me to run away with him.
00:12:48Then he'll marry me.
00:12:49He didn't want me to say anything.
00:12:51But it's a sin to lie in confession.
00:12:54He's the only man I've ever known, father.
00:12:56And I don't want to lose him.
00:12:58He's a wonderful man.
00:13:00And so lonely.
00:13:01He's always telling me how much he wants a family with lots of kids.
00:13:04If I wasn't already married, I'd marry her.
00:13:07I swear it.
00:13:10After all, I have four children to support.
00:13:13They depend on me.
00:13:15What can I do?
00:13:16It's this fatal attraction I have.
00:13:18Anyway, I've decided to go off with him.
00:13:20Please tell me the Lord will understand and help me through your hands.
00:13:23You bet your sweet ass, honey.
00:13:31I'd like to have a word with your client.
00:13:35Hallelujah.
00:13:36What is it? What happened?
00:13:37An earthquake? A tropical heat wave?
00:13:39What's that for?
00:13:40Punishment for his sin.
00:13:41Look, if there's any punishment to do around here, I'll do it.
00:13:43Punish your own guys.
00:13:45Angelo.
00:13:47That's your idea of an angel?
00:13:48Well, let me tell you.
00:13:49That man's been deceiving you.
00:13:51He's already married.
00:13:52Right, Matthew?
00:13:53Oh, yeah.
00:13:54Matter of fact, he just said so.
00:13:57You're no priest.
00:13:58You're from the CIA.
00:14:04Father McSweeney.
00:14:05Yes, my son.
00:14:06If those new brothers are part of our order, why are we fasting and they're not?
00:14:10Ask me, boy.
00:14:11You don't know what you're blathering about.
00:14:12They're following a strict rule, they are.
00:14:14And they're suffering more than we are.
00:14:16Have you noticed nothing, then?
00:14:17No.
00:14:18Not a drop of the creator.
00:14:19No wine.
00:14:20No.
00:14:21Faith now.
00:14:40Thanks.
00:14:42Father!
00:14:43Father!
00:14:46Not right now, please.
00:14:47Come back after vespers.
00:14:48It's terribly important, Father.
00:14:51Please excuse us.
00:14:53Matthew must baptize our child right away.
00:14:55He's very, very sick.
00:14:57Me?
00:14:58But we don't baptize.
00:15:00You'll have to wait till the prior returns.
00:15:02He'll be back Wednesday.
00:15:03My baby, he has sound asleep for more than two days.
00:15:07He doesn't eat.
00:15:08He doesn't cry.
00:15:09I don't know what to do.
00:15:10Maybe he has the sleeping sickness.
00:15:12You must baptize him.
00:15:14Oramos.
00:15:17Oramos.
00:15:22Now what did I say?
00:15:23Try it again.
00:15:24Okay.
00:15:26Oramos.
00:15:27We baptize babe, this baby babe, in the name of the Lord.
00:15:30Amen.
00:15:33Now what the hell?
00:15:34Saint John the Baptist.
00:15:35Who?
00:15:36Saint John the Baptist.
00:15:37What do you mean?
00:15:38Go ahead, turn around, Father.
00:15:43I get the picture.
00:15:48Hand over the kid, lady.
00:16:00Body make them referendum.
00:16:06It's a miracle.
00:16:07It's a miracle.
00:16:08It's a miracle.
00:16:11Thank you, Father.
00:16:13Thank you, Father.
00:16:16You're a saint.
00:16:23What if I really become a saint?
00:16:26When I was little, I had a dream where the Madonna came to me and said,
00:16:30little fellow, you'll either become a saint or a big fool.
00:16:34I guess she was right on number one.
00:16:37It sounds good too.
00:16:39Saint Samonas.
00:16:42You'll see, Monsieur Gomec.
00:16:44You'll find whatever you're looking for in this store.
00:16:46Look at this, for example, original 18th century.
00:16:50Or how about this?
00:16:51A beautiful little ivory statuette.
00:16:54Tang period.
00:16:55I'm sure we'll find something for the church in this dump.
00:16:57Sure, like a new steeple.
00:16:59Son of a, look here.
00:17:01This could really come in handy.
00:17:04Not big enough.
00:17:05We need something around half a quart.
00:17:07That all?
00:17:10Come.
00:17:11Look at this, Monsieur Gomec.
00:17:13There's a picture here.
00:17:14I'm sure you'll appreciate.
00:17:15You will like it.
00:17:35It's you.
00:17:36You came to me.
00:17:38Book doesn't cost a lot.
00:17:40Look, it's the Madonna of my dreams.
00:17:43It's a miracle.
00:17:46Hey, you.
00:17:47It's just a little statue, huh?
00:17:51You're nothing but an infidel.
00:17:52Why don't we bring her back to the mission?
00:17:55You're really out of your gourd this time.
00:17:56How could we afford it?
00:17:57Use your brain, will you?
00:17:58Excuse me, reverend.
00:18:00Pardon.
00:18:01My name is Gomec.
00:18:03The proprietor of several plantations of fruit in this region.
00:18:06You must be the new priests at the mission.
00:18:08Yes, yes, we are.
00:18:10Two humble pastors of souls just recently got in from Rome.
00:18:12And our destinies lie in the far off Amazon.
00:18:14That's in South America.
00:18:15We have chosen the path of peril.
00:18:17Perhaps of death.
00:18:18How something like this might end is anyone's guess.
00:18:20Those two boys they put there last July.
00:18:22Alas, they disappeared into the jungle.
00:18:24And after they was not found?
00:18:27Yes, sir.
00:18:28Their bones.
00:18:30Pretty, the Madonna.
00:18:31I saw you admiring her.
00:18:33Yes, she is.
00:18:34She's beautiful.
00:18:35But obviously we couldn't afford to buy her with all those diamonds and things.
00:18:39You're mistaken, Padre.
00:18:40Those pretty stones you think are diamonds are false.
00:18:42No, they're simply little pieces of glass.
00:18:46Of course they're false diamonds.
00:18:49Well, I must be on my way.
00:18:51Good evening, fathers.
00:18:52I hope to see you soon again.
00:18:54Reverend.
00:18:56Monsieur Gomec.
00:18:57Is there something else I can show you?
00:19:00Close that door.
00:19:01Right.
00:19:02Well, close it.
00:19:03Right.
00:19:10Help.
00:19:11A bullet hole?
00:19:12No.
00:19:20Now, the first thing we need is a fire to get our arms out of these bracelets.
00:19:23Right.
00:19:24And a bunch of clothes that'll fit us.
00:19:26And a little bit of cash money or else it's a bullet hole.
00:19:27Yes.
00:19:28Matter of fact, give the bullet hole now.
00:19:29No.
00:19:30Get going.
00:19:31Right.
00:19:32Look, I'll do whatever you want.
00:19:34You two over there, no funny tricks, huh?
00:19:37We're bloodthirsty tigers.
00:19:38We got a million bullets and we don't like preaching our way.
00:19:41Anti-Semites.
00:19:43There's a saw in the rear of the store.
00:19:45Go get it.
00:19:46And I can manage to find some clothes for your three friends over there.
00:19:51But you, look how big you are.
00:19:5344 is the largest size I've got.
00:19:58I'll get it.
00:20:11Well, look at this.
00:20:12Don't you think that once I've got all this holy cloth on me, my sins will be forgiven?
00:20:15That'll come in pretty handy, I'll tell you.
00:20:18Almost a sin.
00:20:20What'd you say?
00:20:21Nothing, nothing.
00:20:22Just praying for you.
00:20:23Marvellous.
00:20:24Fine.
00:20:25Go right ahead.
00:21:27You shouldn't have done that, friend.
00:21:29You want I should give him the bullet hole, boss?
00:21:30You can shove the bullet holes up your...
00:21:40That's something else you shouldn't have done, friend.
00:21:45Bullet hole now?
00:21:46Please forget your bullet holes.
00:21:47Then I'll bullet hole you.
00:21:49You shouldn't have done that, my fine friend.
00:21:52The boss is down.
00:21:54Bullshit.
00:21:55Bullet holes!
00:21:57Bullet holes!
00:22:02That's just like a bullet hole, you...
00:22:06That's not smart, fella.
00:22:16Oh no, my son.
00:22:17The word is written.
00:22:18He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.
00:22:20That's what he's doing to you.
00:22:28Where'd that couple I get to?
00:22:31Disappeared.
00:22:33Please, my sons.
00:22:34Don't make me raise my hands in anger.
00:22:36I'm a priest, almost a saint.
00:22:58Bloodthirsty lions.
00:22:59That's what we are.
00:23:07I didn't say saint.
00:23:08I said almost.
00:23:16Not roughly.
00:23:17Almost.
00:23:19Get it?
00:23:21Almost.
00:23:22Come on.
00:23:26Boy, am I going to bullet hole you.
00:23:30Good.
00:23:32Now the boss.
00:23:33The boss?
00:23:34Yeah, he hit me over the head with it.
00:23:36Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
00:23:42You're picking on him just because he's smaller than you are.
00:23:44How sure you think you're true?
00:23:45Not my son.
00:23:47I'm a bloodthirsty lion.
00:23:48I'm a bloodthirsty lion.
00:23:52No.
00:24:00Hold this, would you please?
00:24:02Thanks.
00:24:05Good.
00:24:11Almost a saint.
00:24:14Almost a saint.
00:24:15Almost a saint.
00:24:22You shouldn't have done that, friend.
00:24:25It's okay for you, though.
00:24:31All right.
00:24:32You hold it.
00:24:45You definitely shouldn't have done that.
00:24:48I'll show you.
00:24:53Oh!
00:24:55Sorry, boss.
00:24:57It's all right, you schnook.
00:25:14Afternoon.
00:25:15Good afternoon, gentlemen.
00:25:17We won't waste time with chatter.
00:25:19The situation has become desperate.
00:25:21Has anybody come up with an idea?
00:25:23Well, yeah, sure.
00:25:25We were thinking that maybe...
00:25:40Well now?
00:25:41We're very...
00:25:46I imagine you're very.
00:25:48It took Broadway to find the answer, along with me.
00:25:50Right, Broadway?
00:25:51Right, boss.
00:25:52Certainly, boss.
00:26:01Boy down.
00:26:02I know you don't like Broadway.
00:26:04But he's been a big help up to now.
00:26:06When he makes his first mistake,
00:26:08then I'll let you snack on him.
00:26:12All right.
00:26:14You, Erickson.
00:26:15Go to the bazaar and buy the statue.
00:26:17What statue?
00:26:18You can't go wrong.
00:26:19It's the one of the Madonna.
00:26:22Whatever price he asks,
00:26:23even if it's triple the value,
00:26:25that statue's indispensable.
00:26:27Our whole plan hinges on it.
00:26:29You, Max.
00:26:31You better get some glue that's powerful.
00:26:33Glue, for God's sake.
00:26:34Yeah, you got something against it?
00:26:36Now, the only thing we're missing
00:26:37is the official stamp from the Vatican.
00:26:41You, Calvin.
00:26:42That's for you.
00:26:43Yeah, yeah, sure.
00:26:46That seems to be it.
00:26:47Don't you think so, Broadway?
00:26:49Well, I...
00:26:56That's enough, boy.
00:26:57Boss.
00:26:58The...
00:26:59Pope.
00:27:00Duh.
00:27:01I was forgetting about the most important thing.
00:27:03We must have the signature of the Pope.
00:27:04Good thinking, Broadway.
00:27:05Even you idiots will understand that the Pope...
00:27:09Shut your craw.
00:27:10Don't interrupt him.
00:27:11Not again.
00:27:12Yes.
00:27:13You've always been competent.
00:27:15It's a fortune.
00:27:17Got you, boss.
00:27:18All right, Broadway.
00:27:19You carry on as planned.
00:27:20You leave tonight and make sure
00:27:21everything is running smoothly.
00:27:22Don't worry, boss.
00:27:23You don't have to say another word.
00:27:25You can trust Broadway.
00:27:26That's all.
00:27:27You can go.
00:27:28But everything has to be ready tomorrow morning.
00:27:30Yes, boss.
00:27:31Afternoon, boss.
00:27:33I think he's gone off his rocker.
00:27:43I was thinking...
00:27:44My word.
00:27:47I was thinking that though the food is pretty good here,
00:27:49I'm getting tired of eating.
00:27:50I think I'm going to get our order to transfer us
00:27:52to some northern country.
00:27:53What do you think?
00:27:54I think it's a great idea,
00:27:55but there's no way you're going to get them
00:27:56to transfer us.
00:27:57You watch.
00:28:00Get our asses out of here.
00:28:01Come on.
00:28:02From today on,
00:28:03all our professional services are going to cost.
00:28:05Baptism, ten dollars.
00:28:06A communion...
00:28:07Excuse me.
00:28:10The client right away.
00:28:11Somebody up there likes us.
00:28:12How can we help you?
00:28:13Baptism, communion, confession, matrimony.
00:28:16Extreme unction.
00:28:17Wash out your mouth with soap.
00:28:18I'm the postman.
00:28:20I got a mail route.
00:28:22I'm looking for Father Zagostini and Campagnoli.
00:28:25Is that a review?
00:28:26In a way, yes.
00:28:28Yes, of course.
00:28:29It's both of us.
00:28:30Good.
00:28:31Because there's a letter to both.
00:28:32Huh.
00:28:33Where's it from?
00:28:34Vatican mail.
00:28:35Who's it from?
00:28:36The courier.
00:28:38She some friend of yours?
00:28:40Oh.
00:28:47Hey, we're being sent to Amsterdam.
00:28:49Look.
00:28:50To convert the toad growers.
00:28:53Look at the pretty airplane tickets.
00:28:56We leave tomorrow.
00:28:57Here's a big kiss.
00:28:59To the prize project.
00:29:00We're free.
00:29:02Hey.
00:29:10Look what people want us to be praying.
00:29:13Fathers.
00:29:15Zagostini and Campagnoli.
00:29:16Fathers.
00:29:17Who?
00:29:19Ah, Mr. Groman.
00:29:20Hi there.
00:29:21How are you?
00:29:22I just heard that you two are being transferred.
00:29:23It's a terrible loss to the community.
00:29:24I don't think so.
00:29:25But since you must go, I was wondering if you'd do me a favor.
00:29:28I prepared a long time ago a gift for an old friend.
00:29:31A very dear friend who's in your order.
00:29:33And we never seem to be able to arrange to meet each other.
00:29:35He lives in Amsterdam.
00:29:36Amsterdam, huh?
00:29:37So I would be extremely grateful if you could have the goodness to take the statue to him there.
00:29:41Well, I'm sorry, but it's really...
00:29:42Oh, thank you.
00:29:43I was positive I could count on you.
00:29:45Thank you, thank you.
00:29:46There will be some brothers of your order to pick it up at the Amsterdam airport.
00:29:50Oh.
00:29:51Fathers, Zagostini and Campagnoli.
00:29:52Long call.
00:29:53That means us, I guess.
00:29:54Yeah, we better go.
00:29:55Bye.
00:29:56Have a good time.
00:29:57All right.
00:30:07All passengers for KLM flight 96 for New York are requested to board at gate 11.
00:30:33All passengers for KLM flight 96 for New York are requested to proceed to gate 11.
00:30:41What a group.
00:30:42Mother of God.
00:30:43I'm sorry, ma'am.
00:30:52I know, Howard.
00:30:54Find her the statue.
00:31:03Our Gromec friends are going to recognize us.
00:31:06They're only priests here.
00:31:09Reverend, you too have come to honor our patron saint?
00:31:11That's right.
00:31:12Marvelous.
00:31:13Welcome to the Netherlands.
00:31:14I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.
00:31:15You don't want to look?
00:31:16No, no, that's not necessary.
00:31:17No?
00:31:18Please, go ahead, Reverend.
00:31:19Very kind of you.
00:31:25Goodbye.
00:31:26God be with you.
00:31:33Let's stop and wait here.
00:31:34Let them find us.
00:31:35They might be outside waiting for us.
00:31:38Where's the exit?
00:31:39Sign over there.
00:31:44Do you have anything to declare?
00:31:45No, nothing at all.
00:31:57My God, it's not a piece of glass.
00:31:58It's a diamond.
00:31:59Stop those two.
00:32:00They're smugglers.
00:32:01Sergeant.
00:32:03Stop those two priests.
00:32:04Don't let them get away.
00:32:07Stop.
00:32:08Stop, you two.
00:32:10Who's asking to come with us?
00:32:12Please, have a care.
00:32:14May I ask what we've done?
00:32:15We're sorry.
00:32:17What's going on, boss?
00:32:18I don't know.
00:32:19But I don't like it.
00:32:22I am Cardinal Peter Shantello.
00:32:24And let me assure you,
00:32:25there are going to be diplomatic repercussions.
00:32:28I shall demand a full written apology.
00:32:30An apology?
00:32:31He will send you a written apology by the first pope.
00:32:33Church militant.
00:32:34I should think so.
00:32:36This thing must weigh a ton.
00:32:41It's those guys.
00:32:44Come on, let's get moving.
00:32:45Move.
00:32:49You there, stop.
00:32:50It's those two.
00:32:52I have a certain suspicion.
00:32:54Those priests.
00:32:55Stop them.
00:32:56You were right.
00:33:01Stop them.
00:33:13You take the left.
00:33:14Right.
00:33:15No, left.
00:33:16Right.
00:33:25One of those guys wants a bottle.
00:33:26I know.
00:33:27Let's talk about it.
00:33:30Hey!
00:33:38Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
00:33:41Fetch your ass.
00:33:42Let's do it.
00:33:47I think we'll be all right.
00:33:48After all, who's going to recognize either of us here?
00:33:51We're all equal in this moment, right?
00:33:52I'm only less equal than you.
00:33:53I could be spotted.
00:33:54I'm not.
00:33:55Doc, quick!
00:34:01Hey, you keep an eye on the young lady.
00:34:03I'll check and see if there's any fuzz still around.
00:34:05Sign.
00:34:06Wait.
00:34:14What are you doing here?
00:34:15Just bringing up the rear.
00:34:17Where'd the police all get to?
00:34:19They must have got their men.
00:34:25We get on board at the last minute, okay?
00:34:27Okay.
00:34:28Hey!
00:34:29I hate you and your smart ideas.
00:34:31Thought you'd get away with it, huh?
00:34:33I don't even want to think about what Gromick's going to say.
00:35:04Where did you hide the swag?
00:35:05How did you manage to replace the real diamonds with this glass crap?
00:35:08Look, Her Majesty's government sent me over here to work hand in hand with the Dutch Interior Minister himself.
00:35:13So you're in big trouble if you don't come clean.
00:35:16The charges you're facing are a hell of a lot more serious than you might think.
00:35:19You could get ten years in the clink here.
00:35:21And if you don't cooperate, I'll see to it personally that you do.
00:35:28It hurts my eyes.
00:35:29I hope so.
00:35:30And it's going to hurt even more.
00:35:33My son, this is most sad and unfortunate.
00:35:35You must think we're people that we're not.
00:35:37We're just two poor missionaries.
00:35:38We've chosen the most difficult of paths.
00:35:40No peaceful little parish, but danger, peril.
00:35:43The path of martyrdom or death.
00:35:45That's all.
00:35:46There's no help for it.
00:35:47Only the might of heaven knows how it's going to end up.
00:35:50You're not going to fool him with that old story.
00:35:53And don't think you're going to fool me with that old story.
00:35:55Strange you can say that.
00:36:00Ha, ha, ha!
00:36:02Missionaries.
00:36:03Holy smokescreens, that's what you are.
00:36:06Smugglers.
00:36:07Your names are unknown to every Catholic organization in Holland.
00:36:10And none is expecting priests from Africa.
00:36:12And just to round things off, your papers are forged.
00:36:15And we are now checking out that letter from Rome.
00:36:18No, that's real.
00:36:21Put him in our dungeon and let the mice eat him.
00:36:26That's it.
00:36:34You may go.
00:36:37What diamonds.
00:36:39What do they want from us?
00:36:41Goddamn diamonds.
00:36:43I'm going to kill you.
00:36:45I'm going to kill you.
00:36:47I'm going to kill you.
00:36:49Goddamn diamonds.
00:36:50Hey, our own little bathroom.
00:36:54Our own little television set.
00:36:56Prettiest cell I've ever been in.
00:36:59Pretty little garden outside the door.
00:37:01All the comforts of home, yes indeed.
00:37:04Pity to leave it.
00:37:05So you like it, I'm glad.
00:37:07Since you're going to have to be here for ten years.
00:37:11That's what you say.
00:37:12That's what the judge will say.
00:37:13The situation.
00:37:14No use trying to hide it, it is grave.
00:37:17The case of these two priests is provoking a big stir.
00:37:22Hello?
00:37:24Inspector Nelson here.
00:37:30Hello?
00:37:31Yes.
00:37:34Yes, Mr. Minister.
00:37:36Yes, Mr. Minister.
00:37:37Yes, of course, Mr. Minister.
00:37:39Yes, Mr. Minister.
00:37:41Yes, Mr. Minister.
00:37:42Certainly, boss.
00:37:44Absolutely, boss.
00:37:46Bet your ass, boss.
00:37:49Don't you worry, boss.
00:37:53Who's that?
00:37:54The boss.
00:37:55That one?
00:37:57The boss has just informed me
00:37:59that if we don't find the statue,
00:38:01he'll feed us to the Dobermans.
00:38:04He'll be on the next plane with the dogs.
00:38:06Oh God, no, not the Dobermans.
00:38:08Please, I still got scars all over my ass.
00:38:12I'm scared, I want to go back to Cuba.
00:38:17I'm scared of the Dobermans.
00:38:21Enough, you brainless idiots.
00:38:23You don't have one shred of dignity.
00:38:26Get out of this room at once.
00:38:28Take your sniveling somewhere else.
00:38:30And don't come back until you're finished with your duping and dueling.
00:38:34He said if we don't solve the case by tomorrow,
00:38:36he'll have us all on the beat patrolling windmills.
00:38:41Now, let's not be prey to panic.
00:38:43Let's reason this out calmly.
00:38:45We've got to make those two tell us
00:38:47where they've hidden the diamonds.
00:38:49Right, right.
00:38:50The problem?
00:38:51Ha, ha, ha.
00:38:52The problem?
00:38:53Ha, ha, ha.
00:38:54The problem?
00:38:55Ha, ha, ha.
00:38:56The problem?
00:38:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:38:58The problem?
00:38:59Ha, ha, ha.
00:39:00The problem?
00:39:01Ha, ha, ha.
00:39:02Ha, ha, ha.
00:39:03It's how?
00:39:04Couldn't we possibly...
00:39:05No, couldn't possibly.
00:39:08How?
00:39:09How?
00:39:11What did the papers say?
00:39:13You idiots.
00:39:14You let two million dollars' worth of uncut diamonds slip through your fingers.
00:39:19All because of your stupidity.
00:39:22It's all your fault.
00:39:24But Broadway, you was at the airport too.
00:39:27Shut up, you miserable excuse for a man.
00:39:32What could I do by myself against a hundred cops?
00:39:39My fury must be clenched in blood.
00:39:43Besides, you know I can't stand smoking.
00:39:47Did you know that, Beatrice?
00:39:49That guy Nelson hasn't found the diamonds yet.
00:39:52Therefore, those two boneheads must have hidden them somewhere.
00:39:56We have to find them before Gomec gets here with his Dobermans.
00:40:02I think I've got it.
00:40:03Ha, ha, ha.
00:40:06By George, I've got it.
00:40:08It's a good plan.
00:40:10Absolutely bomb-proof plan.
00:40:12I've found the solution.
00:40:14Good.
00:40:15Naturally.
00:40:18This plan has the precision of a Swiss watch.
00:40:23Oh, boy.
00:40:24Come here.
00:40:25I want you all to hear my plan.
00:40:26Come here.
00:40:27Good.
00:40:31First of all...
00:40:42Instead of walking up and down, why don't you figure a way to get us out of here?
00:40:45I'm not going to make a hole in the wall.
00:40:46That would make too much noise.
00:40:47Besides, the walls are like this, much too thick.
00:40:49So that's one thing we've eliminated.
00:40:52A window?
00:40:55Get rid of that idea too.
00:40:56These bars are pure stainless steel.
00:40:58So that means ten years.
00:40:59Oh, you're such a worrying wart.
00:41:01We'll have to find out the cell's weak point.
00:41:03That shouldn't be so hard.
00:41:17This plan must have the precision of a Swiss watch.
00:41:26Each phase must function within the prescribed time limits.
00:41:29Not a second more, not a second less.
00:41:34You know the plan.
00:41:35But now is the moment of truth.
00:41:38And to avoid any errors, each of you will repeat aloud exactly what he must do.
00:41:45You first.
00:41:47The minute I get down off the ladder in the courtyard...
00:41:51You crazy.
00:41:52But you said loud, Broadway.
00:41:55Enough!
00:42:02Now hear this.
00:42:04I have here a floor plan of the prison.
00:42:07Pretty.
00:42:09What did I say?
00:42:11I have marked in letters all of the points in the course.
00:42:17Point A, B, C, D, E, etc.
00:42:24Etc.
00:42:28Are you smoking?
00:42:31Careful!
00:42:36You know, I can't stand smoking.
00:42:42You guys heard it too?
00:42:43Answer.
00:42:44Yes.
00:42:45Ah, shucks.
00:42:46The watchwords of this operation are shrewdness and precision.
00:42:51Now repeat.
00:42:53You.
00:42:54Let's see.
00:42:55The watchwords of this operation are shrewdness...
00:42:58Imbecile!
00:42:59Imbecile.
00:43:01Repeat back to me what you got to do.
00:43:03And no mistakes.
00:43:04Okay.
00:43:06Number one.
00:43:07I take the ladder and hook it up right there on top of the wall at point A.
00:43:11I get my ass up on top.
00:43:12I hook it up right there on top of the wall at point A.
00:43:15I get my ass up on top and jump into the courtyard.
00:43:19Enough!
00:43:20Incorporate!
00:43:22You...
00:43:23You forgot to say what you got to be like.
00:43:27Like a leopard that flies a fox.
00:43:32These are the details that distinguish a chicken feet from a master crook.
00:43:40Now you.
00:43:42So now I'm in the yard to be exact at point B.
00:43:47I walk out 30 paces and I'm in front of the walls of their cell.
00:43:51From there 3 paces to the right and I'm in front of the cell block door, point C.
00:43:56Then upstairs one flight till I get to those moms or cell point D.
00:44:01Place a charge, unwind the fuse and set a match to it.
00:44:05Boom!
00:44:07Once I get those two little bastards out, get them to go to sleep.
00:44:12Then I just drag the two of them away.
00:44:14Just what you said boss, light as a shepherd and sly as an ox.
00:44:19What did you say?
00:44:21What you just said boss, light as a schlepper and sly as jocks.
00:44:26Poor broadway.
00:44:29You dummy!
00:44:31You dummy!
00:44:32You dummy!
00:44:33Once you place the charge you gotta back up 10 paces.
00:44:3510!
00:44:37Remember 10!
00:44:41If you don't remember you'll make us waste time picking your guts out of the rubble.
00:44:49And then...
00:44:50Then we take them to our hideout and we make them talk boss.
00:44:54They'll be sure to tell you where they put those diamonds.
00:44:57And don't forget that...
00:44:58These are the details that distinguish chicken feet from a master crook.
00:45:03Go.
00:45:04Go and do not fail.
00:45:06You'll have exactly 170 seconds to complete the operation.
00:45:11Synchronize your watches.
00:45:14The time is precisely 4.45.
00:45:185.45.
00:45:21Hurry up!
00:45:291, 2.
00:45:301, 2.
00:45:311, 2.
00:45:321, 2.
00:45:331, 2.
00:45:341, 2.
00:45:35Alright already.
00:45:43What boss?
00:45:44I think my watch stopped.
00:45:55Yeah boss?
00:45:56Yeah boss?
00:45:57Please remember the Dobbins.
00:45:59If this plan fails they'll crunch us like breadsticks.
00:46:03You can count on us boss.
00:46:12What is it?
00:46:13It must have been some drunk.
00:46:14Of course.
00:46:15Let's get moving.
00:46:16Set up the ladder.
00:46:17Hurry.
00:46:27Fine.
00:46:28We're at point A.
00:46:29We'll proceed to the cell block wall.
00:46:31Point B.
00:46:32Follow me.
00:46:53Hey.
00:46:54A climb down ladder.
00:46:55Some organization.
00:46:57But we didn't say anything about this.
00:46:59They wanted to surprise us I guess.
00:47:01I guess you're right.
00:47:08Get down.
00:47:09I'm getting, I'm getting.
00:47:11First up.
00:47:14A stroke of genius chief.
00:47:16Brighten those signs in Italian.
00:47:17They're sure to think they're back with their mafia friends.
00:47:19Over there.
00:47:20Come on.
00:47:26Remember.
00:47:27Sly is a slipper and light is a box.
00:47:38Idiot.
00:47:39Hurry up.
00:47:40Come on.
00:47:47Do you hear a noise like a hammer that's nailing me?
00:47:49I hear a noise like a broken finger.
00:47:56How are we supposed to find point B anyway?
00:47:58I can't see a thing in all this dark.
00:48:01Follow me.
00:48:02I'll be your guide.
00:48:03Night eyes.
00:48:04Any good?
00:48:05You wouldn't believe how good.
00:48:08Son of a bitch.
00:48:12Did you just hear a big noise like something falling on the water?
00:48:16Not really chief.
00:48:17I just heard a sound like someone yelling son of a bitch.
00:48:19That's fine.
00:48:21We will now proceed to point D.
00:48:23You with us.
00:48:24You back to the gate.
00:48:26I can't understand a word you're saying.
00:48:27I said I'm drowning.
00:48:29What?
00:48:30Wait a minute.
00:48:31I'll think about it.
00:48:32Do something about it.
00:48:33Help me.
00:48:34Dynamite.
00:48:35Save the dynamite.
00:48:36I'll make you deal.
00:48:37You save me.
00:48:38I'll save the dynamite.
00:48:39Kick your feet.
00:48:40Get over to the edge.
00:48:41Kick my feet.
00:48:42I'll kick your head.
00:48:43Grab on.
00:48:44Hey, you know what?
00:48:45You're all wet.
00:48:46One of these days you're going to push me too far.
00:48:47Dynamite all the way.
00:48:49So what am I?
00:48:50Chopped liver?
00:48:51Come on.
00:48:55Forget it.
00:48:56Come on.
00:48:57I've got it all perfect in my head.
00:48:58Three paces to the right.
00:48:59We find the door.
00:49:01One, two.
00:49:06You were saying?
00:49:07Oh, I remember.
00:49:08It's three paces.
00:49:09Three paces to the left.
00:49:11Whatever way that is.
00:49:12Come on.
00:49:13Right behind you.
00:49:15Now this way.
00:49:16Open it.
00:49:18We leave them all open.
00:49:19That way there's no problem.
00:49:20You've got it.
00:49:21I've got it.
00:49:22I've got it.
00:49:23No problem.
00:49:24You might say we've organized a perfect breakout.
00:49:26We?
00:49:27No, I did it.
00:49:41Hey, it looks like they keep the gates open in this jail.
00:49:44It's part of our great organization.
00:49:49Up the stairs we go.
00:49:50No, down the stairs.
00:49:51This time I'm the guide.
00:49:53Oh, good.
00:49:59Don't worry.
00:50:00It's just a question of time.
00:50:02This is a Schwarzfeger 3X keyhole.
00:50:05Not like the back of my hands.
00:50:07I could open it with a hairpin.
00:50:10Young fellow, do you know something?
00:50:12You couldn't open that door if they gave you the damn key.
00:50:18Shh.
00:50:19Gale.
00:50:24They mustn't make any noise.
00:50:26They've got to think that they've managed it all on their very own.
00:50:47Voila.
00:50:48You know, probably no door in the world can stand up to sly old Matthew.
00:50:54Close that damn door.
00:50:56What?
00:50:58If they see it open, we'll be here for life.
00:51:00You are out of your gourd, you know.
00:51:02I will explain. Listen.
00:51:04According to the Geneva Convention regarding prisoners of war,
00:51:07a prisoner can try to escape without its being considered a criminal act.
00:51:11Got it?
00:51:12Yeah.
00:51:13Prisoners of war.
00:51:14What's that got to do with us?
00:51:15Well, uh...
00:51:16When I get out, someone's sure to start a war.
00:51:18So long.
00:51:19So long.
00:51:22And good luck.
00:51:24See you in ten years.
00:51:42Well?
00:51:46Voila.
00:51:47Time?
00:51:48There's something fishy.
00:51:50You got no soul.
00:51:55This way.
00:52:18Grow up, will ya?
00:52:27Hey, we're in luck sign, baby. These two are open. Let's go.
00:52:29Ricky.
00:52:36I tell you, when you're really organized like us, nothing can go wrong.
00:52:39Yeah.
00:52:42I got the map of this joint engraved in my head bone.
00:52:44I tell you, it was no problem at all to find this place.
00:52:48Remember, once we blast the hole, we drag him and take him away.
00:52:52Broadway will make him sing all right.
00:52:54They'll tell us where they put our diamonds.
00:53:05Move it.
00:53:06But I...
00:53:10The ways of the Lord are infinite.
00:53:12I'll give you such a hit.
00:53:14Let Broadway know.
00:53:15Let Broadway know.
00:53:17Come in, boss. We're all set up here.
00:53:19Three minutes to zero-out.
00:53:21Have you checked the detonator?
00:53:23Did you check out the detonator?
00:53:25We're good. Do it right now.
00:53:30Just checked out the detonator, boss. Works like a charm.
00:53:33Over and out.
00:53:37Something must have gone wrong.
00:53:45I'll get it.
00:54:03I'll feed those two incompetents to the doormats.
00:54:07Look here, boss.
00:54:16There's a car parked there. We should ask for a ride.
00:54:18How are they going to give us a ride with a car in that condition?
00:54:23Boss, what do we do? They're escaping.
00:54:25Change plans to fit changing events. That's my motto. Let them go.
00:54:29We'll follow them and they'll lead us straight to the diamonds.
00:54:32Boss, it was his fault. He got the wrong wall.
00:54:36Get down up there.
00:54:38Get in the car.
00:54:40I'll settle with you two later.
00:54:43Bruntway does not forgive mistakes.
00:54:50It's remarkable. Ingenious. Perfect down to the smallest detail.
00:54:54They will lead us to the diamonds. They themselves.
00:54:57We'll follow them under cover of night and the moment the iron is hot...
00:55:03We'll bundle them up like a pair of salamis and take the diamonds off them.
00:55:06And we'll win ourselves the eternal gratitude of the minister.
00:55:09No, no. I will win.
00:55:11Inspector Nelson, come in, please. This is lookout number one.
00:55:14They've just walked by here going west. They could be headed to the port.
00:55:17Good man. There's no way they can get away. We've got them like this.
00:55:20Like this.
00:55:21Attention, attention. Someone's following them.
00:55:23That'll be the secret service, the sods. They're always underfoot.
00:55:26No, they've been recognized. It's Bruntway and his gang.
00:55:29What?
00:55:30For the moment, do not intervene. I must reflect.
00:55:42Huh?
00:55:47I think we made it.
00:55:48I don't know.
00:55:49Well, another mile or two will do the trick for sure.
00:55:52You're absolutely right. Follow Father Matthew. Let's go.
00:55:57All right, everybody stop here.
00:55:59Right, boss.
00:56:00Let me take a gander at the terrain.
00:56:02Let's go.
00:56:04Hey, watch out for the pillar, boss.
00:56:06Hey, boss, the pillar.
00:56:07Don't run into the pillar, boss.
00:56:08What pillar?
00:56:10Did you see the pillar, boss?
00:56:14Watch where you put your big butt, see?
00:56:16Sure, boss.
00:56:17You're right, boss.
00:56:18Let's go.
00:56:40Stop.
00:56:44Getting tired?
00:56:45Stop the circuit.
00:56:46If I stop, I'll lose the rhythm.
00:56:48If I move, I'll lose my breath.
00:56:52Feeling any better?
00:56:53Sure, let's go.
00:56:55I like the rest periods.
00:57:10Stop.
00:57:11Why?
00:57:12That way.
00:57:13Why?
00:57:14I don't know.
00:57:15Through the wall.
00:57:22Watch out.
00:57:23Yeah.
00:57:32The first rule in tailing is to keep yourself out of the pigeon's line of sight.
00:57:35Right, boss.
00:57:40No.
00:57:42You hiding, boss?
00:57:43Where are you, boss?
00:57:44Boss, boss, where are you, boss?
00:57:45Answer me.
00:57:46Can't see a thing.
00:57:47Thought I heard a splash.
00:57:48A cheese splash.
00:57:49Oh, jeez, we've lost our head.
00:57:51There he is.
00:57:52Look.
00:57:54That's a piece of my son.
00:57:57Get him.
00:58:06Enough bourgeois sentimentalism.
00:58:08We must proceed with our mission.
00:58:09Right.
00:58:10As of now, I'm the boss.
00:58:11And why you?
00:58:12Who else, moron?
00:58:13Me.
00:58:14And why you?
00:58:15Who else, moron?
00:58:16Me.
00:58:17And why you?
00:58:18Who else, moron?
00:58:19Me.
00:58:20We're acting like kids.
00:58:21Come on, let's elect a boss.
00:58:22Okay.
00:58:23Who?
00:58:24Me.
00:58:25And why you?
00:58:26Who else, moron?
00:58:27Me.
00:58:28Stop it, you schmucks.
00:58:29You're out of your mind.
00:58:30Look, we gotta get a boss here.
00:58:31Bet your ass, but who?
00:58:32Me.
00:58:33You know, I think we're all out of our minds.
00:58:34Who else, moron?
00:58:35Why you?
00:58:39Stupid idiots.
00:58:51Excuses.
00:58:52Excuses.
00:58:54Imbeciles.
00:58:55Incompetents.
00:58:57You're the missing links between apes and monkeys.
00:59:09On with the chase.
00:59:12The chase.
00:59:13The chase.
00:59:14The chase.
00:59:20Hey, wait a minute.
00:59:21This looks like the port.
00:59:22Sometimes you overwhelm me.
00:59:24We have many chances to get on board one of those boats.
00:59:25Let's go.
00:59:27Which one?
00:59:28That pretty pink one.
00:59:32Come in, please, Inspector Nelson.
00:59:33They're at the port.
00:59:34What about Broadway?
00:59:35Just a few seconds behind, sir.
00:59:37Leave them alone for right now, but be ready to pounce at a moment's notice.
00:59:40Ten years I've been after this Broadway, and now I'm getting him on a silver platter.
00:59:44Departure's been put off an hour.
00:59:46Well, I don't know about you, but I've got an idea what to do with that hour.
00:59:49What with this cold and all.
00:59:50Let's go and have a drink.
00:59:51Good idea.
01:00:00Well, they certainly couldn't have picked a better time.
01:00:03Okay, now's our chance.
01:00:04Come on.
01:00:08Let's go.
01:00:18It's clear as a bell.
01:00:19The statue's on that ship.
01:00:25They're gonna split with the loop, and we gotta go.
01:00:34Get undercover!
01:00:38Let's go get our diamonds.
01:00:39All abroad.
01:00:40Okay, boss.
01:00:47This wasn't ship's heavy stuff.
01:00:48The pulse heart's on deck three.
01:00:49Heart's on.
01:00:54Curses.
01:00:55Curses.
01:01:00Hey, what do we do now, boss?
01:01:02Dummy.
01:01:03We see whether that stuff is real.
01:01:05Dummy, you see whether that stuff is going?
01:01:08Yeah, onto the ship.
01:01:10So what?
01:01:13Just once, I'd like to hear you give me a decent answer.
01:01:15Where do we all have to go?
01:01:18Could you repeat the question?
01:01:20Onto the ship.
01:01:21Exactly.
01:01:23So we get the crane to pick us up here and put us up there.
01:01:27An idiot couldn't figure that one out.
01:01:28I figured it out.
01:01:33Move it, will you?
01:01:35Let's go.
01:01:47Hey.
01:01:49This here dump stinks of fish.
01:01:50Let's go somewhere else.
01:01:53Bart?
01:01:54What's up?
01:01:57Come on.
01:01:58We'd better hide out in that sack.
01:02:02Come on.
01:02:03It stinks.
01:02:10Give me my share.
01:02:11You're the only person I know who needs a shoehorn to get into a gunny sack.
01:02:14Actually, I've lived here for 48 years.
01:02:16Down with the thief.
01:02:17You're dancing on my desk.
01:02:18That's a hell of a footnote.
01:02:20Come on.
01:02:32These are the last sacks to unload.
01:02:34Yeah, but get a move on.
01:02:35This tub's leaving in an hour.
01:02:50In a couple of seconds, we'll be on board that ship.
01:02:56The police, the police.
01:03:01Stay with the new muscle, you dummy.
01:03:09Hey.
01:03:10Hey.
01:03:11Hey.
01:03:12Hey.
01:03:13Hey.
01:03:14Hey.
01:03:15Hey.
01:03:16Hey.
01:03:17Hey.
01:03:19Hey, boss.
01:03:20Why'd we stop going?
01:03:21What?
01:03:22Someone take a look.
01:03:23Someone take a look, he said.
01:03:25Right.
01:03:26Someone take a look, he said.
01:03:27Someone take a look.
01:03:33Look taken.
01:03:34It's a lunch break.
01:03:35What do we do now?
01:03:36Nothing.
01:03:37We just stick to our plan.
01:03:38Those two ain't going no place.
01:03:48What's that?
01:04:19Oh.
01:04:28My bones.
01:04:30You're not very good at this.
01:04:31Come on.
01:04:33Lift it up.
01:04:34Matt, you said we were going back to Africa.
01:04:36Well, I thought so.
01:04:38I feel like I'm in Iceland.
01:04:39In that case, I guess we've been hijacked.
01:04:43Something tells me we're in the ship's gold storage.
01:04:45I'm freezing.
01:04:46He's way ahead of you.
01:04:47I feel for him.
01:04:48Listen, you're the big door opening maiden.
01:04:50Open that one.
01:04:51Yeah.
01:05:07I can't stand her anymore.
01:05:09Tell the boss, will you?
01:05:11Hey, boss.
01:05:12We have a problem.
01:05:13We have a problem.
01:05:16I have to pee, too.
01:05:18But think of the dobermans.
01:05:21I think no one to stern.
01:05:29That little bastard's on his fifth sandwich.
01:05:44Oh.
01:06:04That wasn't the ship's freezer.
01:06:06I've seen one freezer.
01:06:07I've seen them all.
01:06:14Hey, boss.
01:06:15Come here, take a look.
01:06:16It's them.
01:06:17They did it.
01:06:19After them.
01:06:23Hey, what was that?
01:06:24That used to be the boss.
01:06:29No, morons.
01:06:30The boss is me.
01:06:31Who are you?
01:06:32Who else, morons?
01:06:33What are you doing up there, you clowns?
01:06:35After them.
01:06:37Move it.
01:06:44Stop.
01:06:45Stop there, you cowards.
01:06:48Follow me.
01:07:00Run, run, run.
01:07:01I'm sick and tired of running.
01:07:09Salvation's only in the house of the Lord, brother.
01:07:11Don't forget it.
01:07:12Hey.
01:07:18All right.
01:07:20It's full of people.
01:07:21Well, it's a wedding.
01:07:22Of course.
01:07:24Well, they're certainly dressed okay.
01:07:26If we can just behave ourselves.
01:07:27Amen.
01:07:33Congratulations.
01:07:34Nice to see you.
01:07:35Best wishes to all of you.
01:07:36The bride looks just beautiful, doesn't she?
01:07:37And he's so handsome.
01:07:39Wonderful.
01:07:40Hello.
01:07:41Mazel tov.
01:07:44What do those two creeps want in here?
01:07:45I never saw such a thing.
01:07:47Come on, come on, come on.
01:07:48I smell doughnuts.
01:07:49Yeah.
01:07:51Hey, statue.
01:07:53She looks like ours.
01:08:01She's just like ours.
01:08:03Isn't that funny?
01:08:08Yes.
01:08:09Look what's written on this tag.
01:08:10Made in Dakar.
01:08:12I swore.
01:08:15I don't believe it.
01:08:16You can believe it, all right.
01:08:17That's the statue.
01:08:20And no tricks.
01:08:21That's two million bucks worth of diamonds.
01:08:24Hey, what diamonds are you talking about?
01:08:25Come on.
01:08:26Think you can make a fool of me, huh?
01:08:29You know damn well the statue Gromit gave you
01:08:31is worth double its weight in gold.
01:08:33Careful, because I'm running out of patience.
01:08:37Man hasn't been born yet
01:08:38that can put one over on Fred's saved Broadway.
01:08:40Get it?
01:08:41So the old guy put one over on us, huh?
01:08:43Reverend.
01:08:44We even got put in jail because of that bastard.
01:08:46The diamonds are ours.
01:08:47And we'll take them.
01:08:48It's the same thing as being awarded damages by a judge.
01:08:51Right.
01:08:52Right.
01:09:15What the hell kind of church is this anyway?
01:09:21I got it, I got it, I got it.
01:09:27Harvard!
01:09:38Harvard!
01:09:45Harvard!
01:10:05There he goes!
01:10:09There he goes!
01:10:22Hey, let's go flying, dammit!
01:10:39They're just splashing towards the Westerport Canal.
01:10:42You sure?
01:11:08Harvard!
01:11:09Harvard!
01:11:11Harvard!
01:11:12Harvard!
01:11:13Harvard!
01:11:14Harvard!
01:11:15Harvard!
01:11:16Harvard!
01:11:17Harvard!
01:11:18Harvard!
01:11:19Harvard!
01:11:20Harvard!
01:11:21Harvard!
01:11:22Harvard!
01:11:23Harvard!
01:11:24Harvard!
01:11:25Harvard!
01:11:26Harvard!
01:11:27Harvard!
01:11:28Harvard!
01:11:29Harvard!
01:11:30Harvard!
01:11:31Harvard!
01:11:32Harvard!
01:11:33Harvard!
01:11:34Harvard!
01:11:35Harvard!
01:11:36Harvard!
01:11:37Harvard!
01:11:38Harvard!
01:11:39Harvard!
01:11:40Harvard!
01:11:41Harvard!
01:11:42Harvard!
01:11:43Harvard!
01:11:44Harvard!
01:11:45Harvard!
01:11:46Harvard!
01:11:47Harvard!
01:11:48Harvard!
01:11:49Harvard!
01:11:50Harvard!
01:11:51Harvard!
01:11:52Harvard!
01:11:53Harvard!
01:11:54Harvard!
01:11:55Harvard!
01:11:56Harvard!
01:11:57Harvard!
01:11:58Harvard!
01:11:59Harvard!
01:12:00Harvard!
01:12:01Harvard!
01:12:02Harvard!
01:12:03Harvard!
01:12:04Harvard!
01:12:05Harvard!
01:12:06Harvard!
01:12:07Harvard!
01:12:08Harvard!
01:12:09Harvard!
01:12:10Harvard!
01:12:11Harvard!
01:12:12Harvard!
01:12:13Harvard!
01:12:14Harvard!
01:12:15Harvard!
01:12:16Harvard!
01:12:17Harvard!
01:12:18Harvard!
01:12:19Harvard!
01:12:20Harvard!
01:12:21Harvard!
01:12:22Harvard!
01:12:23Harvard!
01:12:24Harvard!
01:12:25Harvard!
01:12:26Harvard!
01:12:27Harvard!
01:12:28Harvard!
01:12:29Harvard!
01:12:30Harvard!
01:12:31Harvard!
01:12:32Harvard!
01:12:33Harvard!
01:12:34Harvard!
01:12:35Harvard!
01:12:36Harvard!
01:12:37Harvard!
01:12:58Our diamonds have taken our powder!
01:13:01There's a million canals in this bird, all alike.
01:13:05I can't stand it.
01:13:06Two million dollars.
01:13:07We'd be rich for life.
01:13:09Good morning, sir.
01:13:10Can I help you?
01:13:11I'm Broadway.
01:13:12Where's Mr. Gromick?
01:13:13In back.
01:13:14He's expecting you, sir.
01:13:15Dogs.
01:13:19In the garden.
01:13:21They're going through their morning side of beef.
01:13:24Through that door, sir.
01:13:26Thanks.
01:13:31Hey, look.
01:13:33I think that's the boat.
01:13:38Turn.
01:13:39Turn around.
01:13:41No, I meant the other way.
01:13:51Break.
01:13:52Break, damn it.
01:13:54Break.
01:13:55You broke.
01:13:57Finally.
01:13:58Finally, I want everyone to get to that restaurant.
01:14:01I want that place surrounded with every man we've got,
01:14:03but no one takes any action until I'm there.
01:14:05Get that, mate?
01:14:06We've got them now.
01:14:07No, I've got them now.
01:14:08I mean now.
01:14:12Is this the time to stuff your face, Sam?
01:14:14Really.
01:14:17I found his hat.
01:14:18He's inside there.
01:14:19Come on.
01:14:20It was like taking candy from a baby, boss.
01:14:24With two or three skillfully placed karate chops,
01:14:27I completely disarmed them.
01:14:33And when these two priests groveled at my feet
01:14:35and begged me to spare them,
01:14:37I replied,
01:14:39there is no mercy for anybody who tries to cheat my boss.
01:14:44And I squeezed the trigger.
01:14:45Pow! Pow! Pow!
01:14:46Three shots for each, right in the middle of the forehead.
01:14:49Stop that.
01:14:50You know that I'm squeamish.
01:14:53Only I must admit you did a good job.
01:14:55Unsatisfying.
01:14:57I just did my duty, boss.
01:15:04Make a move and you get pumped full of lead.
01:15:06And those three bullets in the middle of the forehead?
01:15:10Guess I missed.
01:15:14How'd you find me?
01:15:15Elementary, my dear Washout.
01:15:17Hat, please.
01:15:19We found your Hamburg out in front of the restaurant.
01:15:21It was easy.
01:15:22Oh, Broadway.
01:15:26Excuse me a minute.
01:15:28Step over here.
01:15:29Sure, boss.
01:15:34My compliments.
01:15:36I'll make you pay for that, too.
01:15:44Make a move and you get pumped full of lead.
01:15:46That's my line.
01:15:47You see, boss?
01:15:48My men always arrive just in time.
01:15:52Hi, fellas.
01:15:53You put the bag back on the table.
01:15:56We better table the bag, I guess.
01:16:05This masterpiece of mine.
01:16:10I'm burning up.
01:16:11I'm on fire.
01:16:13Water, water.
01:16:15I'm out of water.
01:16:17I wasn't thirsty, you mother...
01:16:24Oh, my...
01:16:26You see, all things come to him who takes.
01:16:32You're thinking what I'm thinking.
01:16:33Yeah, I get the vague idea.
01:16:36Here.
01:16:53What?
01:16:58Bad girl.
01:17:01Listen, Freddy.
01:17:03Can't do that.
01:17:05Not nice.
01:17:09I didn't feel a thing.
01:17:11How about that?
01:17:16I'll flick you away like as if you was a piece of lead.
01:17:19That's all, I'll flick you.
01:17:21Say, uncle.
01:17:22Say, uncle.
01:17:24Uncle.
01:17:28Mr. General.
01:17:31By the big weight.
01:17:33Look at this.
01:17:35The dogs are dozed.
01:17:37Dozed?
01:17:40Hey.
01:17:42Better give him back or Uncle Broadway will get mad.
01:17:46Okay, you win.
01:17:53Ah!
01:18:15No, please, Reverend.
01:18:17Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
01:18:23Cool.
01:18:26Here.
01:18:28It's all yours.
01:18:38You couldn't hit me not once out of a thousand times.
01:18:42Come on.
01:18:43Come on, you'll never...
01:18:44Hey!
01:18:45Ah!
01:18:53Ah!
01:18:55Ah!
01:18:57Ah!
01:19:05Keep at it, you could be worth a fortune.
01:19:09Ah!
01:19:14Oh!
01:19:16Dammit!
01:19:22Ah!
01:19:39Go!
01:19:50Don't wait for me.
01:19:52Here.
01:19:56Go!
01:19:58Here.
01:20:01Here I go.
01:20:02Bye.
01:20:06I bet you like pie.
01:20:07Well, I'm big for lemon meringue, but where's that got to do it?
01:20:09There you are, sir.
01:20:10One lemon meringue.
01:20:11Hope you do like our pie, sir.
01:20:13Thank you for your convenience.
01:20:14Try the banana cream.
01:20:15No, not the banana cream.
01:20:23Ah!
01:20:26Coconut.
01:20:27Well, how'd you like it?
01:20:29You forgot the cherry.
01:20:31A terrible oversight.
01:20:47Now what do I do?
01:20:52My juice is good.
01:20:54Now maybe we can relax for a second.
01:20:56Stop!
01:20:57Stop or I'll blow you all to smithereens.
01:20:59Oh, shit.
01:21:02This is nitroglycerin.
01:21:04Enough to blow up the whole block if it gets a little nudge.
01:21:08You choose.
01:21:10Drop the diamonds or I drop this bottle.
01:21:17I'm prepared to die.
01:21:19And if I don't get those rocks,
01:21:22I can never look my boss in the face again.
01:21:25You wouldn't be given the chance, Broadway.
01:21:30You have three seconds starting right now.
01:21:32One.
01:21:35Two.
01:21:37I said two.
01:21:43Now we can go.
01:21:49Come on.
01:22:13Big phony.
01:22:15I hope my dogs don't get sick from eating you.
01:22:19Oh, shit.
01:22:24Matt, why don't we hightail it back to Africa?
01:22:26Right. Things are getting too complicated up here.
01:22:28Down there a man can relax, be himself.
01:22:30You know what? We can use the money we get from selling the diamonds
01:22:33and open up our own little mission.
01:22:39You know, when you start to think about it, it sounds like a good idea.
01:22:41Of course. It's mine.
01:22:43The police. They tracked us down.
01:22:45Oh, the police. You've got an obsession about the police.
01:22:47As far as I'm concerned, you should get yourself looked at by a, whatchamacallit,
01:22:49a pediatrician. All you can think about is the police.
01:22:53The police have a lot of really important things to do.
01:22:55They wouldn't be wasting their time on you anyway.
01:22:57Inspector Nelson here. Give up.
01:23:00You are completely surrounded.
01:23:02There is no possible way...
01:23:03I don't like it here, Matt.
01:23:06Oh, shit.
01:23:07The fleet's in, girls.
01:23:08Out.
01:23:09Out.
01:23:10Out.
01:23:11Out.
01:23:12You must realize your position is hopeless.
01:23:14Walk out with your hands up.
01:23:16My police will break into the restaurant in 30 seconds.
01:23:23The doors are well blocked?
01:23:24Yes, sir.
01:23:25The windows?
01:23:26No, sir.
01:23:29Move it, you tub of lard.
01:23:30Patience, my son.
01:23:36Simon captured.
01:23:37Take the diamonds. Use them to pay my bail.
01:23:45No.
01:23:46Not the steamroller.
01:23:47Anything but the steamroller.
01:24:02Hmm.
01:24:04I see them.
01:24:06There.
01:24:07Here we go again.
01:24:08Where to?
01:24:09The Amazon jungles, of course.
01:24:10If they manage to escape, we'll be thrown to the lions.
01:24:14What do you mean, we?
01:24:15Who knows?