Hyperdrive S01E03 - Weekend Off
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00:00The Red Shiny Robots of Fortis, do they have the weekend off?
00:24No, they don't.
00:25No.
00:26No, they don't.
00:27They come in their eternal quest to hunt us down, scan our minds, turn them into pure
00:30streams of data and feed them into their planet-sized computers.
00:33My crew deserve a break, York.
00:35Perhaps.
00:36But a whole weekend?
00:37Yes!
00:38Anyway, the Red Shiny Robots of Fortis are on the other side of the galaxy, right?
00:41Well, yes.
00:42Yes, they are.
00:44All right, the Ice Lords of Jarriton, do they have the weekend off?
00:47I don't know and I don't care.
00:49Well, with respect, Commander, perhaps you should.
00:51I mean, the shape-changing Limmer House of Rathamon, do they have the weekend off?
00:54You're making that up.
00:55I am not.
00:56There's no such thing.
00:58That's wrong.
00:59Captain Robin.
01:00Done.
01:01The Bubsy Wasps of Chick-Chick-Chick, do they have the weekend off?
01:10Bubsy Wasps?
01:11Yes.
01:12Do they have the weekend off?
01:13No.
01:14Oh!
01:15No.
01:16No, no, no, no, no.
01:17Now what?
01:18It's Alice-99.
01:19She always bids against me.
01:20She's got that key ring.
01:24She's got the bolero jacket.
01:26I really wanted that.
01:27So bid again.
01:28I'm past my limit.
01:29I'll sit this one out.
01:30No, I think that's very sexable of you.
01:31Most people around here call you boring, wussy and afraid.
01:32But I don't.
01:33Bid.
01:34Bid.
01:35Bid.
01:36Right.
01:37Eat my bid, you cow.
01:38It's not another set of Toby jokes, is it?
01:39No.
01:40There's nothing like that.
01:41It's a planet.
01:42It isn't.
01:43Oh.
01:44Sorry, where is it?
01:45It's there.
01:46Oh, I see.
01:47I see.
01:48I see.
01:49I see.
01:50I see.
01:51I see.
01:52I see.
01:53Oh, I see.
01:54You've gone very...
01:55How much?
01:56I'm...
01:57You've bid two years' wages.
01:58Planet.
01:59Quantity one as new you collect.
02:00Yeah, but Alice-99, she always gets in at the last moment.
02:01Watch.
02:02Five, four...
02:03Nine UK, you have won the auction.
02:04Oh.
02:05Oh, well done, you.
02:06You beat Alice-99.
02:07Can anyone tell me the name of the man who's lying to me?
02:08It's Alice-99.
02:09Alice-99.
02:10Alice-99.
02:11Alice-99.
02:12Alice-99.
02:13Alice-99.
02:14Alice-99.
02:15Alice-99.
02:16Alice-99.
02:17Alice-99.
02:18Alice-99.
02:19Alice-99.
02:20Alice-99.
02:21Alice-99.
02:22Who's life not yet, Mr. Wade?
02:24Who's life we celebrate this weekend?
02:26Gary Nevil.
02:27Gary Nevil, the inventor of artificial gravity.
02:30Now, well, in fact he came up with the idea
02:34half time at the 2004 FA Cup Semi Final,
02:38but he didn't tell us whole for 15 years
02:40until he'd perfected his equations.
02:42It's quite a nice story.
02:45Now, can anyone tell me what cadets have
02:47on Gary Nevil Day yet?
02:50Cadet school.
02:51Cadets Ball.
02:53Cadets Ball. That's fine.
02:55I know you'll have a lot of fun, you know.
02:58Some of you may know, you may not know,
03:00but I rose up through the ranks.
03:02I was a cadet once.
03:04My background is as humble as any of yours.
03:08Commander,
03:10on behalf of all the cadets,
03:13I'd like to present you with this invitation for the ball.
03:17Bless you. Thank you.
03:19OK, so that's lovely. Great work.
03:21All right. Shoo, shoo. As in leave.
03:23Thank you, guys.
03:25OK, so you're not going to that, are you?
03:27Not... You won't be going to that?
03:29It's just Space Force tradition. They invite the commander.
03:32He never actually goes, that's the thing.
03:34But you've got to come to the officer's dinner.
03:36You have to be there. Yes, I'll be there.
03:38Stop fussing. It's just a bit stuffy for an old cadet like me.
03:42No, it'll be... An old cadet. It'll be fun.
03:44Now, what shall we drink? Wines?
03:46Shall we drink the Champley 34 or the 38?
03:50Has the strongbow come in?
03:52Um, are we playing?
03:54Oh, I'm so sorry, York. I'll see you later, Teal.
03:56OK.
03:58Let's party, mon frere.
04:00OK, I'm all in.
04:02Board game recommences.
04:06Do you remember the cadet balls back on the HMS Membria, York?
04:10Oh, you never went, did you? You were a junior officer.
04:13You were a lowly drone.
04:15These posh boys missed out, I'm telling you.
04:18They had a proper spread.
04:20Chicken cubes, fish bites, the works.
04:22And the drink.
04:24Yes, and then they held all of chance
04:27and nudged you on to the officer's training programme.
04:29OK.
04:31Oh, how the fates always swirled on lucky Anderson.
04:34Trust you to have been at the Osteopaths the morning
04:37the training centre was eaten by a sentient jelly.
04:39That's that! Yes!
04:41York! York! York!
04:43Oh, yes!
04:45Well played.
04:47But, um, why don't we go and see if there's still any breakfast?
04:50Yeah. Yeah, I'll take a colliver juice.
04:56Oh, it's very close.
04:58We could get a shuttle going for the weekend.
05:00Planet 079-ZB2.
05:02Geologically unstable,
05:04not suitable for long- or short-term habitation.
05:07Forms of life, none.
05:09It's a retreat.
05:11A haven from the hustle and bustle.
05:13Free mini-break, anyone?
05:15To 079-ZB2.
05:17No.
05:19To Vineworld.
05:21Attention, all crew.
05:23Happy Gary Neville Day.
05:25Also, do you enjoy angling?
05:28If so, get down to level 12
05:31while it's still flooded.
05:34Who's coming to Vineworld?
05:37First trips for free.
05:39Book the shuttle.
05:41Oh, look at you.
05:43Oh, that is kind, but I won't.
05:45Ask Jeffers if he told you to bid.
05:47OK, have fun.
05:51Jeffers, you don't want to go to the officer's dinner.
05:54Come to Vineworld.
05:56Uh, no.
05:58You told me to buy it, so you must want to come.
06:01Vine. Yeah?
06:03Mate, I'd rather drink my own spleen.
06:05Yeah.
06:17What are you doing on holiday?
06:19Hooray!
06:21Hi.
06:23Hi, Sandstrom.
06:25Hello. I've just, um...
06:27I brought you a little something.
06:29I just felt bad that you don't get any treats,
06:31and it's quite tricky in space, isn't it?
06:33Well, I don't want to stick together,
06:35so I've got you chocolate Swiss stuff.
06:39I am only permitted to eat nourishment gel.
06:42Nourishment gel has all the nourishment I need.
06:45No, absolutely, but I have to tell you this is delicious.
06:48Go on.
06:50I know not a...
06:52Chocolate Swiss stuff.
06:57Ooh! Yes.
06:59It's nice, isn't it?
07:01It's a dark chocolate.
07:13It just happened so fast, you see.
07:15I mean, I was very much on the other side of the room,
07:18doing something else entirely,
07:20and then she just kind of...
07:27Ah, the enhanced emotion and passion vine
07:30and the logic of circuitry.
07:32A heady brew.
07:34Yes. I just really hope she doesn't have to miss the officer's dinner.
07:37Ooh, this could take days to rectify.
07:39Oh, that is such a shame.
07:41She'll have to access her digits by...
07:43Right.
07:47British country height, please.
07:49Select peak district, Chiltern, or a taste of Scotland.
07:53Um, Chiltern.
07:55Beginning.
07:57Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is nice.
07:59Right, yeah.
08:01I've got a chance to do this.
08:03Would you like me to add realistic terrain?
08:05Yeah, why not?
08:09Oh. Oh.
08:11There's litter in there.
08:13That is a fag packet. That's litter.
08:15Realistic terrain was requested.
08:17Yeah, but it's just a little bit too realistic.
08:19That's a condom.
08:21Are you telling me there's a part of this shit
08:23that stores old condoms and...
08:25and dog shit just for the Chiltern walk?
08:27Realistic terrain was requested.
08:29I can't believe that.
08:31End... end the hike.
08:33Please replace realistic terrain in the hopper provided
08:36so that others may enjoy it.
08:38I don't know if you can see these, but it means I do not pick up dog eggs.
08:43Have you got any gloves?
08:45No.
08:50Bye-bye. See you Monday.
08:56Well, well, well, well.
09:01You stun-stick me, you tosser.
09:05Where's the radio?
09:07Didn't bring one.
09:09We're getting away from it all.
09:12Tell me there's food.
09:16Food?
09:18If I brought food, there wouldn't be enough room for the giant chess.
09:21We'll forage for food.
09:23Forms of life none.
09:28There.
09:30An enhanced digi-brain anomaly corrected in...
09:333.147 hours.
09:36York, you have excelled yourself.
09:39And now, awake.
09:42Right, then, I'll just go straight through.
09:44Hello. I'm Becky.
09:46Um, so this enhancement thingy,
09:49are you really going to pay off my student loan?
09:52Blimey, where do I sign?
09:54Yeah, yeah, I'll read that.
09:56Enhancement process may cause slight dizziness
10:01and or severe personality change.
10:04Oh, it'll be all right.
10:06You wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't going to...
10:10You shouldn't have these memories.
10:12I wonder if you dream.
10:14Sounds true.
10:22Nourishment gel has all the nourishments I need.
10:25Chocolate. Swiss stuff.
10:27Chocolate.
10:29Something to put?
10:30Date of mosaic?
10:32Date of footprints for all officers in the last 48 hours.
10:36Expand.
10:38File open.
10:40Display.
10:42Rotate.
10:44Magnify.
10:47Ah.
10:49Have your laugh.
11:05Hello?
11:07Surprised to see me?
11:09To you?
11:11Well, I just thought you were busy.
11:13A lot of very mysterious things have been happening
11:15to the officers on this ship just lately,
11:17wouldn't you say?
11:19Question for you, Teal.
11:21Who knows the effect the ingestion of chocolate
11:24would have on Sandstrom?
11:26Suggested answer for you, Teal.
11:28Perhaps the same person who studied Sandstrom's online manual
11:31last Thursday between 8.03 and 8.49pm.
11:35Eh, Teal?
11:37What are you saying, Monsieur? What are you doing?
11:39Oh, you're good.
11:41You're very good.
11:43Very good.
11:45At first I suspected Jeffers,
11:47but he's on Vine's New World.
11:49The New World, incidentally, that he bought in his insane rivalry
11:52with one Alice99.
11:55Now, remind me, if you'd be so good, please, Teal,
11:58what is your middle name?
12:00No, wait a minute. I'm sure I can remember it.
12:02It's on the tip of my tongue.
12:04Oh, yes, isn't it... Alice?
12:07Um, is it...
12:09Is it Alice? I'm just, um...
12:12No, I think it is.
12:14Quite a coincidence, yes.
12:16And then, during the course of my investigations,
12:20I was enveloped in a cloud of sedative gas.
12:23But whoever was responsible for that dirty little trick
12:28can't have known that I spent a year with the priests of Cleverden,
12:32where I learned to hold my breath for seven and a half hours.
12:36And it was then that I knew who was behind all of this.
12:41It was then that I realised, Teal,
12:44that you, Teal, are not Teal.
12:48You are a shape-changing limahal of Rothamon in the form of Teal,
12:54and you are removing the offices of this ship one by one.
12:59Sorry, I've just had no idea what you just said, Mr York,
13:03but we've all been working very hard lately, and...
13:06This nebuliser contains a special dioxin.
13:08Just one spray will reveal your true and hideous form.
13:13Oh, it's quite refreshing.
13:16Oh, don't, don't.
13:18Metamorphise, you swine!
13:24Mmm!
13:26I'm not a shape-changing limahal, Mr York.
13:30I am a woman, with a woman's needs.
13:35I just wanted to spend some time with a certain man,
13:38and the officers' dinner was coming up tonight,
13:40and I just thought, what if it was just me and him alone?
13:43With nobody else to spoil it. Just once.
13:48Have a lovely weekend.
13:55Door opening.
13:59Hello.
14:01You all right?
14:03You look nice, don't you?
14:07Where are the others?
14:08Oh, they cancelled, so it's, um...
14:11dressed up.
14:13Teal, you've got my lens back. No, I'll leave it.
14:15It's all right.
14:17All the more for us.
14:20Gentlemen.
14:25There you go.
14:26So what's on the menu tonight?
14:29It's always food from the Nivellian era.
14:31What's this?
14:32Ooh, very posh.
14:34Give your mother this, please, dear.
14:40Mmm.
14:42Yes, keep going.
14:43There's one more.
14:45Mmm!
14:47Yeah, that's fine.
15:02How are you doing? All right?
15:05Here.
15:07Your sleeve's going in the food.
15:11Oh.
15:12Chin-chin.
15:16Oh.
15:18Mmm.
15:25Mmm.
15:27Good?
15:30So...
15:33Just, uh...
15:35Just the two of us. Mmm.
15:37Dinner.
15:39You know, anyone who saw us might think...
15:41No, they wouldn't.
15:43Do you not think?
15:45No.
15:51Pick-up speed just needs to warm up.
15:55Is it from a kinder egg?
15:59Hang on a moment.
16:07Bulger.
16:11Where are we going?
16:13We're just leaving Vine City One.
16:17Then we can follow Vine Ridge.
16:19That'll take us to the Vale of Vine.
16:22What if there was another pioneer?
16:24Would he get anything named after him?
16:26Well, everything's got names now.
16:28I can't just change them all willy-nilly.
16:30Oh, look!
16:32You can see Vine Rock from here.
16:39The music is the pipes of the Gothantil.
16:42They say it's the most romantic music in the galaxy.
16:46Apparently, you can get pregnant just by listening to it.
16:49We'd better be careful.
16:51Mmm! Mmm!
16:54Mmm!
16:55Mmm!
16:56What a lovely meal that was.
16:59Oh! Oh!
17:01I think it's getting quite late.
17:03Mmm! Half seven. Wow!
17:06Thank you so much for that meal.
17:09And you were marvellous company, as always.
17:13And, um...
17:16Bye.
17:17No, hang on. You can't go yet, because we now have drinks, don't we?
17:21Cognac in the Commander's Quarters.
17:24It's just the two of us. I don't think we need to do that, do we?
17:27It's tradition. You wouldn't want to break with tradition, would you?
17:30Tina, I can't have officers' drinks.
17:32Why not?
17:37Because I'm...
17:40I'm going to go to the Cadets' Ball.
17:44Yeah, I got an invite, and I'm going to go for once,
17:47because I was a cadet once.
17:50Brilliant. You should tell people.
17:54Tia.
18:00You'll be all right, won't you?
18:02Yes, I'll be fine. I'll just...
18:04tidy up, because the robots never do a good job, so...
18:07OK. All right. Well...
18:12Look, maybe we can both go to the Cadets' Ball.
18:16A lot of fun.
18:18Unless, you know, you've got something else planned.
18:23I might do.
18:25All right, well, look, you can change your mind.
18:27No, no, I said I will. I will. Commander!
18:42I told you we'd find some food.
18:44Yeah, you did.
18:46You did not tell me we'd have to break into a crashed Russian ship
18:49and kill a dead cosmonaut
18:51and scavenge the dead men's rations out of their frozen dead fingers.
18:55Hey! No moaning on my world, OK?
19:00Right. Let's get this fire going.
19:08Good, isn't it? A couple of mates, a couple of buddies, a nice fire.
19:13We work in the same room, Vine. We don't know each other that well, not really.
19:17Tell me things. Tell me about your family.
19:20I never talk about them. You do here.
19:23You really want to know? Yeah.
19:25All right, then.
19:27Well, my mum died two months before I was born, sadly.
19:30Then I was raised by space pancakes, which was good, but we had this fear of maples.
19:36My dad brought me up.
19:38He was a software engineer. A good one.
19:43When I was about five, he got sick. Really ill.
19:46They gave him about six months.
19:48So he wrote a programme, which was like a version of him,
19:51to bring me up when he'd gone.
19:53And it worked.
19:55He was a good engineer.
19:57He was a good engineer.
19:59He was a good engineer.
20:01He was a good engineer.
20:04And it worked.
20:06If I went to swing on the curtains, the programme said,
20:09''Go to your room,'' and I did.
20:12It ordered me a birthday present.
20:14It would print off a little paper hat and say,
20:17''I'm proud of you, son.''
20:21Then one night,
20:23I was 15.
20:25I came in very late.
20:28And the programme was furious.
20:30It said, ''Where were you?''
20:32I was really worried. We never talk any more.
20:35And I said,
20:37''You're not my real dad!
20:39''You're just a piece of code!''
20:42And I deleted it!
20:50Next morning, I tried to recover the data, but I couldn't.
20:55I never got it back.
21:01There's something I never told you about myself.
21:05Ever since I...
21:07Oh, don't bother. It's not going to beat my story.
21:09Nobody knows this, but...
21:11Does it beat my story? No.
21:13No. Get the barbecue on.
21:20I hope you know how to square the answers, Teal.
21:22I do.
21:24Ooh!
21:26Strong.
21:28Strong.
21:45Peretti! Oi!
21:47What is that?
21:49Sex in the middle, OK?
21:51You go in the middle and you have sex.
21:53Breaks the ice, you know? Gets you going for later.
21:56Do you want some mould? Mould?
21:58Yeah, right in the missile tubes.
22:00Oh! Get in there, I'm telling you!
22:03Commander, I want you to know,
22:05I made the monster drugs-a-lot-your-friend film.
22:08Oh! Oh, my...
22:10Oh, Commander, she's wearing tops,
22:12but no bottoms!
22:14That's ruder than nothing at all!
22:16Oh! It's time for puke chains.
22:18Who's up for puke chains?!
22:20PUKE CHAINS!
22:22I know what to do, puke chains!
22:26Go! Go! Go!
22:32Mmm. Smell that.
22:36Let's see your hand.
22:38You didn't touch the ground, did you?
22:40It's my world. I just wanted to run my fingers through the soil.
22:43Then look what it's done.
22:45Now you've touched the meat, I'm not eating it, not now.
22:47I'll eat it, then. No, don't you eat it!
22:49Vine! Vine!
22:51Vine!
22:56Shit, shit, shit, shit!
23:01Shit!
23:05It's all shit!
23:10My world is rubbish.
23:1480,000 credits.
23:17I was going to buy a pub with that.
23:20You can sell it on...
23:22Who'd want this crap?!
23:25The municipal authority might want it for young offenders.
23:28Oh, God, such toilets.
23:35Look, when we were out earlier, I saw something.
23:37Come and have a look. You'll like it.
23:39Come on. Don't touch me, yeah?
23:52I mean...
23:54when did I get so old?
23:57Well, it's not one particular moment with age, is it?
23:59It's more an ongoing process of cellular decay, Lee.
24:03And that's what...
24:05Let's go to the sex room.
24:07What?
24:10Do you want...? Yes!
24:13You know, I mean...
24:15should they get all the fun?
24:17Yes. No.
24:19No, we really should put the sex room at least two weeks in advance.
24:22So if you reschedule... You know what?
24:24Yes? I am the commander of this ship.
24:27Yes, you are.
24:29And, Chloe, I shall ready well command it to open.
24:32Ready well command it to open.
24:35That is so majestic.
24:50Yeah. Try this.
24:55Go on. Shout something. Loud as you like.
24:58Hello there.
25:00Come on. You can do better than that. Let it out.
25:03I've wasted all my money and I'll never get a pub!
25:06Go on. Fantastic. More.
25:08Space force is a waste of my life!
25:10Yeah. Come on. Do me. Slag me off.
25:12No, you're all right.
25:14Go on. You'll feel better. You will.
25:16Shepherds is a big arse!
25:18He thinks he's clever, but everyone on the ship says he's a fag!
25:21That's enough.
25:25This is amazing.
25:30Thanks, mate. Yeah.
25:33You know, this is going to need a name.
25:36I think I know what I'm going to call it.
25:40Vine Canyon.
25:46Sorry.
26:04Oh, come on.
26:06Michael.
26:08Mike.
26:10I've been waiting for this moment so long.
26:13Oh.
26:16That's good.
26:18Come on.
26:20I'm not sure these things really do anything to me, to be honest.
26:26Bloody hell.
26:29We're not too old, are we?
26:33Yes.
26:35We can have meaningless sex.
26:39You didn't have to... You didn't have to mean it.
26:47Hey, Theo. Theo, I'm sorry.
26:49I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't go.
26:51I shall report for duty at 8am on Monday morning, Commander.
26:54Please don't go.
26:56Theo.
26:59Oh.
27:09Please state setting.
27:11One person.
27:14Ow!
27:19It's Monday morning.
27:21Attention, all crew.
27:24Today's meeting in the Interdenominational Worship Room
27:27of the Norse religion.
27:29If you worship the Norse gods
27:31or you're just considering letting Thor into your life,
27:35get down to the worship room on level four.
27:49Hey!
27:53Officer Chloe Teel, for sabotage and the restraint of fellow officers
27:56you are sentenced to three days in the rehabilitation queue.
27:59I personally believe you are getting off very lightly.
28:03I'm very sorry.
28:05Fine, you can have your bolero jacket if you want.
28:08Really? Yes. I'll give you a planet.
28:10Swapsies. No.
28:12Thank you, though.
28:14Rehabilitation queue closing.
28:17Go on.
28:20Will you wait for me, Commander?
28:23Commander?
28:36Great news. The Lalachists and the Bulara have resolved their differences.
28:40Toor! Keep toor!
28:42Sadly, the first act of this new alliance was to declare war on Britain.
28:46Abort launch, please. Abort the launch.
28:50Oh.