Max & Paddy's Road To Nowhere S01E05
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00:00Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM, where the listener comes first.
00:11Paddy's hungry.
00:13Yeah, I could do with a bit of something. I'm ravishing.
00:16We know it's in back.
00:18We've yet to do a big shot, my friend. The cupboard is bare.
00:23Why don't we get in one of these country pubs, get a bit of dinny-donny-din-dons?
00:27They've got some beautiful eateries out here. Nice calvery.
00:31Beautiful. Nice, thick, juicy steak like solely a shoe.
00:35Did they ever tell you about that mixed grill they had once out in the countryside?
00:39No.
00:40Oh, listen to this.
00:42The plates weren't round, they were oval.
00:45The food were that wide and that high.
00:48And what were on it?
00:49What weren't on it?
00:51Steak, liver, beef, kidney, liver, chops, pork, liver, a tureen of chips,
01:00and two, counting two, fried eggs.
01:03£3.50, the lot.
01:05I tell you, Max, that's one thing I could never be, a vegetarian.
01:09A man can't live by chips alone.
01:11I tell you what's worse than being a vegetarian, being a me-con.
01:15Being a what?
01:16A me-con. I'm telling you, them lads can't eat nothing.
01:19A vegan, you tool.
01:21Ah, that's it, yeah, yeah.
01:23No, no, Paddy loves his meat.
01:25Call me old-fashioned, but what I like is white, tender, off the bone chicken.
01:35What's yours?
01:36Coo!
01:37You what?
01:38Coo!
01:40Coo!
01:42Coo!
01:49Don't know where we're going, got no way of knowing,
01:52driving on the road to nowhere.
01:55Sponging for a living, checking out the women,
01:59riding on the road to nowhere.
02:02And we don't take shit from anyone.
02:06The only thing we want to do is have some fun
02:09We're Max and Party, Harry and Max
02:12And best of all we don't pay council tax
02:20Is it dead?
02:23Either that or it's gonna piss it down
02:26Just come out, I know where, where are we?
02:28I mean what sort of place is this where animal is king?
02:31Tell me about it, look at the state of the bumper
02:34What's wrong to one of these arsehole farmers?
02:36They let them do what they want
02:39Here, let me shift it, come on
02:43Whoa, whoa, grab it's hooves, not it's tits
02:46You'll be covered in milk man
02:51Cows playing chicken, what next?
02:54I tell you they're loaded these farmers, you know
02:56We'll have him for this, every penny
02:58Look at all the land he's got
03:00I saw a case like this on Judge Judy
03:02It's been cleaned up and that's before whiplash
03:06How is your neck?
03:07Agony, agony
03:09Agony, yes
03:11No answer
03:12No, he'll be inside
03:14Counting his money
03:16Yeah, he should be out teaching his cows road safety
03:19That's what he should be doing, come on
03:23He's here
03:26Hi there
03:29Hello there, lovely day isn't it?
03:31It was
03:32You come to mend the barn roof?
03:34No, my friend here's just knocked one of your cows down
03:38He what?
03:40Just came out of nowhere mate, didn't stand a chance
03:43Oh not again, which one was it?
03:45Black and white one, big head
03:47Is it hurt?
03:49No, it's dead
03:51Oh god, are you alright?
03:54The motorhome's not, it's a right mess
03:56Smashed headlamp bumper, the lot
03:58They're always getting out, I keep telling them but they won't listen
04:02They?
04:03Want to try putting some fences up flower?
04:05Fences cost money boys
04:07So do headlamps and bumpers cock
04:09We had all new fences round here
04:12But what with the winter we had, they all got ruined
04:15No money to replace them with
04:17Then we got the foot and mouth that wiped us out, that did
04:21Here we go, sob story
04:24All this was fields at one time
04:29Scrub land, but my dad worked on it till his fingers bled in the summer of 69
04:34Shocking
04:36Luke Jackinory, you're going to have me crying my eyes out over here, what about our bumper?
04:40And our headlight?
04:41What about them?
04:42They weren't fixing, who's going to pay for it, you know what I'm saying?
04:45If you come looking for money boys, you've come to the wrong place here
04:48I ain't got nothing here
04:50You must have something, you're a farm
04:52All I've got left is the old girl
04:54Hey, whoa, we don't want your wife
04:56We're not swingers
04:57No, no
04:58Oh no, not my wife
05:00She's gone too
05:02Dead three years this spring
05:05Got knocked down by a combine harvester
05:08She's buried over there
05:13And over there
05:17And just over there
05:23Rest in pieces
05:25No, no, no, no, I'm talking about this old girl here
05:30She's the only thing I've got left of any value now
05:33A pig? As compensation?
05:36I've heard it all now, we're as blind as a pig
05:39What are we supposed to do with it?
05:42You could sell it
05:44Just hang on, come here
05:47It's not a bad idea, what do you reckon?
05:49I smell bullshit and it's not the pig
05:52Do you know how much pigs are worth?
05:53Do you?
05:54Well, I know they're worth more than a bent bumper and a smashed headlight
05:57We could make on this
05:58You think?
05:59Yeah
06:00Well, we're going to sell it
06:01Cattle market, Crabbock, 40 mile that way
06:05Ask for Big Bill Ingalls, he'll do you a great deal
06:08Suppose we were to take the pig, how much would it be worth?
06:12Hmm, a Welsh white, she's a good'un
06:1660, 70, I'd say...
06:20300
06:21300 quid?
06:23I think this little pig is going to market
06:25Too right
06:27Have you got some sort of a vehicle to get the pig to market?
06:31No
06:32How are we supposed to shift it then?
06:34What's the matter with that thing?
06:38Ah yeah, fair enough
06:39That, my friend, is our home
06:41It'll be right
06:43Whack a bit of polythene down, you'll never know
06:48I don't want to shit and piss all over our homes
06:51Make sure all that polythene's down in there, you
06:53I am, stop moaning
06:55Don't worry, pigs are the cleanest of animals
06:58You live in a stye, hence the term pig stye
07:08Go straight on through the village
07:10Yep
07:11Past the duchy, pon the left hand side
07:14Duchy pon, duchy pon
07:16And you'll see a little white church
07:19Little white church
07:21White church
07:28And?
07:29Ignore it
07:30Ignore it?
07:33Go straight on and the market's right in front of you
07:36Right on
07:37Okay
07:38Pig on board
07:39Pig on board, yep
07:41Pigs on board
07:42Pigs on board
07:43Pigs on board
07:45Yep
07:46It's her
07:47And you're on your way
07:49We're on our way
07:52Let go
07:53Let go now
08:03He is not playing with a full deck, Patrick, that fella
08:06Can't believe you're giving £100 for that pig
08:08You've got to speculate to accumulate, trust me
08:11Yeah, but £100 of the Queen's English pounds
08:14We'll be quidzing when we get to market
08:26Is your aunt back there?
08:28She's all right
08:30She's not eating me good fleece, is she?
08:32Howdy, howdy
08:37Do you really think we'll get £300 for her?
08:39Oh, aye, yeah, they're worth the waiting call, these things
08:42Have you ever heard the term piggy bank?
08:44Where do you think that comes from, a piggy bank?
08:48You know, you can use every bit of a pig, you know
08:50They're not just for eggs and bacon
08:52Everything?
08:53Snooter to tooter, there's no wastage
08:57No, even its flute gets used
09:00Its flute?
09:01Yeah, its flute, you know, its pork sword, its erm...
09:06Cock?
09:08Yeah
09:09What for?
09:10Dog chews
09:11Dog chews?
09:12Really?
09:13Straight up
09:15That's the last time I let a dog lick my face
09:22Its eyes, you can eat its eyes, they're a delicacy in Iran
09:25Tapas
09:28Its tongue
09:29What?
09:30Its tongue
09:33You never had tongue?
09:35Plenty
09:36My mum used to give me tongue every week
09:38Regular
09:41They even use pig sperm in the medical profession
09:44Get out of town
09:46Straight up
09:47What for?
09:48Babies, you know, bringing them on during labour
09:51Pig sperm?
09:53Pigs sperm
09:56Won't like the job of getting that
10:06Hey, we've not had anything to eat yet, have we?
10:08No, I'm starving
10:10Let's get in over here and have a little sneaky snacky snoo
10:13I'm hearing you
10:22Two sausage bull teas
10:23Yeah
10:41Have you pumped?
10:43No, I have not
10:44You have, you've dropped your bag
10:46I've not
10:47Oh, God, that stinks
10:48I can't smell nothing
10:49I can
10:53Oh, Jesus, it's the pig, it's the pig, quick, crack the window
11:00Dirty pig, dirty pig
11:02Oh, none of you want to get rid of her, she needs raking out
11:06Get her to the hospital
11:08Raking out
11:10Get it in the back
11:11Quick before she follows through
11:12Get on the
11:13Get on, get back
11:14Can't see
11:16Can't see, my eyes are burning
11:18Take the wheel, take the wheel
11:29Oh, good God almighty
11:32Look, she's done some dirt
11:35You're cleaning that up, you're cleaning that up
11:38How dare you, how dare you
11:41This is our motorised home, we live here
11:44Dirty pig
11:50Oh, God
12:09177, 178, 177, 178, 177, 178, 177, 178, 175, 175, 175
12:19Daddy, Daddy, come here
12:21Daddy
12:22We're looking for a fella by the name of Big Bill Ingles
12:25Well, you'd best start down the cemetery, son
12:27He's been dead four years
12:29He's dead?
12:31What was s'posed to put selling this pig?
12:33Let's have a look
12:34Nah, there's not much call for breeders here.
12:39Not much call for what?
12:41What you got there is a breeding pig. A stud pig. And he's mating. Days are over.
12:47He? He's a she. Shows how much you know about pigs.
12:51Is it? I'll be the first female breeder I ever see. Have a look underneath if you don't
12:56believe me.
12:57What's the crack?
12:59What's the crack?
13:01It ain't got one. It's a boy. It's a boy pig.
13:04A devious old swine.
13:06Who did you get it off?
13:08A farmer.
13:09Have you got his papers?
13:11His papers?
13:12Registration. Documentation.
13:14It's a pig, not an asylum seeker.
13:17What was the name of the farmer?
13:20We don't know. We just bought it off him.
13:24You bought it?
13:26It's like you've been stitched up good and proper, boys.
13:29How much do you think we'll get for it?
13:31It'll be no good for me, Joe. It's half his whole nipples.
13:36Thirty?
13:37Thirty quid?
13:38Sod off.
13:39It's worth three hundred, that.
13:43Five years ago, maybe. Not now.
13:46No, you're alright. We'll leave it. You're alright.
13:54Thirty quid, eh? Bit of a come down from three hundred.
13:58Never mind what they say. They're just after a bargain.
14:01They take your cream out your coffee, them men.
14:04I say we go back, kick that farmer's head in and get our money.
14:07No, not a chance. We can sell this pig.
14:10What has? A retired breeder and it's a boy.
14:13What we need is someone who knows nothing about pigs.
14:16Yeah, us.
14:17No, one of those city blokes, those yuppie types.
14:21What do they call them?
14:23Knobheads.
14:24No, gentlemen farmers. Hooray Henrys.
14:28Green wellies and all that. The works, you know.
14:31We could sell it to one of them.
14:33But it's knackered.
14:34Oh, no, it's not.
14:35And when we finish with it, they'll think this lad's a pig gigolo.
14:39A pigolo?
14:40Exactly.
14:52Well, it's a lovely twelve acre sprawl, so there's plenty of room.
14:56Yeah, yeah.
14:57And he's a breeder, you say?
14:59A prize breeder. Yeah, he's won awards.
15:01And he bangs like a shit house door in a gale.
15:03A what?
15:04A gale.
15:05Brilliant. Where is he now?
15:07I'll just get my boy.
15:09Boy, I say boy, wacky, bring the pig hither.
15:15Boy, I say boy, wacky, bring the pig hither.
15:21How wacky he is.
15:23Teddy.
15:26This is the fella.
15:28What do you think?
15:31He looks a bit tired.
15:33Tired?
15:34You'd look tired if you were hot job 24-7.
15:38His eyes are glazed over.
15:40I'm not surprised.
15:41He's been down more holes than Tiger Woods, this lad.
15:43You don't know whether he's coming or going.
15:45Or coming.
15:46Exactly.
15:47You know what he was doing yesterday?
15:48He was next to us field trying to bum a Shetland pony.
15:51It took five of us to get him off it.
15:54Well, I happen to have a female round the back who needs to be served.
15:57Hey, let's sort the pig out first, my friend.
16:02I do apologise.
16:03Boy, round the back.
16:06Take the pig round the back to the gentleman's trailer.
16:08Chop, chop.
16:10Chop, chop.
16:14He doesn't seem to be doing anything.
16:17Well, they will do, you know.
16:19In a minute, it'll be a big pink blur.
16:21Just you watch.
16:22Once they get going, they're like rabbits, these things.
16:24He's taking his time.
16:26Romance.
16:27They're getting to know each other.
16:29Have you got your money?
16:30I don't know how you treat your women.
16:32What he's doing, this is pig foreplay, this.
16:34He's smelling her out.
16:36Look, maybe he's not right for her.
16:38I mean, your pig's a lesbian.
16:40He's got a point.
16:41He has got.
16:42I have read about that.
16:43How much did he say he was again?
16:45£300.
16:47Quickly.
16:48Right, I'll just have to see my man there.
16:51Joe?
16:53Hey!
16:55I said two against £300.
17:03There you are, lad.
17:05That's the fella.
17:06What are you feeding him?
17:07Oh, scratchings.
17:08You can't do that.
17:09That's cannibalism.
17:10He loves them.
17:11You're messing about with evolution there, Patrick.
17:13Stop it.
17:14Please.
17:15What are we going to do with him?
17:18I don't know.
17:20Maybe we could race him.
17:22You know, one of them country fates.
17:23Carnival, that.
17:29Why don't we train him to be a sheep pig?
17:31You know, like Babe?
17:32The Babe?
17:33That were a film.
17:34It worked, though.
17:36They also had singing mice.
17:39Yeah, they did, didn't they?
17:48Bloody hell, I've got it.
17:50What?
17:51Let's cut out the middle man.
17:52What do you mean?
17:53Never mind selling him as a breeder.
17:55Let's sell him as meat.
17:57Take him to butchers.
17:59Those lads know a bargain when they see one.
18:30I don't know if you know.
18:36But everywhere we've been.
18:40I'm kept in quarantine.
18:44It's easy to see why.
18:49Oh!
18:50Oh!
18:51Oh!
18:52Oh!
18:53Oh!
18:54Oh!
18:55Oh!
18:56Oh!
18:57Oh!
18:58Oh!
18:59Oh!
19:00Oh!
19:01Oh!
19:02Oh!
19:03Oh!
19:04Oh!
19:05Oh!
19:06Oh!
19:07Oh!
19:08Oh!
19:09Oh!
19:10Oh!
19:11Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:13Oh!
19:14Oh!
19:15Oh!
19:16Oh!
19:17Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:20Oh!
19:21Oh!
19:22Oh!
19:23Oh!
19:24Oh!
19:25Oh!
19:29There's only one thing for it, then.
19:33What's that?
19:34We'll have to kill it.
19:37We?
19:38Yeah, you and me.
19:40We'll sell it on the black market, round the car boots.
19:45Basically we've gone from having a £300 prize breeder to selling it off a trestle table
19:50on a Sunday morning in a primary school car park. Is that what you're telling me?
19:56It's not my fault, OK?
19:58Shh. We can't kill it.
20:02What do you think the butcher was going to do? Keep it as a pet? Or a couple of doormen?
20:07Violence is habitual. Don't tell me you've gone soft.
20:11Soft? I'm not the one who's whispering. You've gone soft.
20:15How dare you? When you've been pinned down by a sniper fire at Goose Green,
20:21killing a pig, my friend, is a day at the races.
20:25Right then, let's do it.
20:27OK.
20:28Good.
20:29Bring it on.
20:30Right then.
20:37Try again.
20:42Yes?
20:43What? I don't believe it.
20:46Barbara, bloody pig's come back. Where do you find him?
20:50Find him? We've bought him.
20:52Bought him? Off who?
20:54The bloke who owns this farm. Is he in?
20:56I own this farm.
20:58Since when?
21:00Look, buddy, we knocked a cow down in the road and damaged her motorhome in the process.
21:05And the bloke who owns this farm sold us this pig as compensation.
21:10You know what it's worth?
21:12Nothing.
21:13Exactly.
21:14What's this bloke look like?
21:16Like green grass from out of beets.
21:19Oh, I don't believe it.
21:21Barbara, he's at it again.
21:23Dad!
21:25You're a quiet one, aren't you?
21:27I like that.
21:29Dad, you've been selling our livestock again.
21:32That's him.
21:33It's her dad. He's wired to the moon.
21:37We let him hang around. He's harmless enough.
21:39Harmless? We gave him a hundred pounds for this pig.
21:42Hundred?
21:43And we want it back.
21:45You'll be lucky. Looks like he's already drank it.
21:48A bit of a tease, are we?
21:51I likes a str...
21:53I loves a struggle.
22:00Oh, so it was you that killed my cow, was it?
22:06Oh!
22:18Excuse me, Squire.
22:20You're not still serving food, are you?
22:23We're a bit busy tonight.
22:27But we can squeeze you in. Take a seat.
22:29Thank you very much. Thank you.
22:32BELCH
22:34How dare you!
22:39Number eight!
22:49Do you want me to take your order?
22:55I'll have two nut cutlets, please, flower.
23:01One, two, three, four...