300 Years of French and Frieed
christmas 2017
Transcript
00:02This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
00:08# Simply amazing, unique and new Every man's waking dream
00:11# Dazzling, eccentric, recherche Suave, the poetry... #
00:13I don't want to be in your bloody videos!
00:17Welcome to the French & Saunders show and our wonderful world
00:20of star-studded showbusiness and entertainment,
00:22back on the air again due to overwhelming public demand.
00:27- # French and Saunders
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undefined:undefined- Oh, there you are.
02:08Praise be.
02:11And I would say, "Blessed be the fruit," but I'm absolutely furious.
02:16Can you please just say "wings"?
02:18- Wings.
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undefined:undefined- No, I'm not. I'm not, am I?
02:41- No.
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undefined:undefined- No, can you not tell me?
04:18Cos I'm going to watch the box set all at once.
04:23Is Nicole Kidman in this one?
04:25- Well, no, not YET.
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undefined:undefined- You weren't.
06:10- We were. We was all laughing at you in gym the other day.
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undefined:undefined- I didn't. At least my mother can sew!
06:31- Don't talk about my family.
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undefined:undefined- I know Cookie Crew, all right?
07:31It's a name a bit like that, right? They're called the Cookie Crew.
07:34- Yeah.
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undefined:undefined- Mm-hm.
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08:38- Amazon!
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undefined:undefined- I would love that.
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:undefined- Aaah...
10:05That's nasty, isn't it? Well, I think we're looking at cystitis.
10:17She, apparently,
10:19is now having an affair
10:21with a man that's doing it
10:23- with a porcupine.
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undefined:undefined- No, no.
11:03Be like us and learn your trade on Crackerjack!
11:0625 years, man and boy.
11:08I'm a 45-year-old woman.
11:09- BOTH:
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:undefined- How much hate could one person have?
13:00Don't push me.
13:02It's my time of the month.
13:07Help me on with my dress, Mummy.
13:09I'm not your mummy, I'm Mammy.
13:30Oh, my good God, Thelma.
13:32What are we going to do?
13:34I ain't going to give up now. I can't go back!
13:38Keep going.
13:40What do you mean?
13:43Go! Straight to comedy heaven, Louise.
13:46Immortalised for ever.
13:49ENGINE STARTS
14:10SHE GROANS
14:14SHE GROWLS
14:19I'm ruddy FUMING!
14:26I've just seen it. I've just seen it now.
14:27- I've just come from the pictures now.
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undefined:undefined- Yes, I am.
15:07- Tick that box, because I am the daughter of Mars and Twix.
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undefined:undefined- Very touristy.
15:51It used to be wild, and now it's just a kiosk and some rides.
15:54Anyway, anyway, anyway, number four on the checklist -
15:58- do I have superlative musculature?
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undefined:undefined- How dare they!
16:07Are you even earning anything from the new film?
16:10- Absolutely nothing, no, no.
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undefined:undefined- Mm.
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undefined:undefined- Yes.
16:48- Tom Hiddleston! I mean, did you ever meet the real Loki?
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undefined:undefined- Yes?
17:10It's all the people out there on the street, you know,
17:12because there was a woman out there
17:13looking at me just now and she's looking at me
17:16and she's thinking, "Oh, there's a woman dressed up like Wonder Woman."
17:19And she doesn't know!
17:23But surely what's worse is, there's actual adults with brains
17:27- going to see these films.
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undefined:undefined- What?
17:36It makes me feel like I don't want
17:38to attend any more disasters ever again.
17:40- Oh, no!
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undefined:undefined- Oh, that's quite a good idea.
18:14Well, someone who looks like me for a start.
18:16What about Catherine Zeta-Jones?
18:17- Too old.
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undefined:undefined- Yes, Mary.
19:39Is it their Kleinian need to misbehave,
19:42thereby revisiting their childhood?
19:46- Blood and sand!
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undefined:undefined- Coffee.
20:02Coffee.
20:04Yes.
20:06VEHICLE APPROACHES
20:19Got ya! Where's the other bloody bugger? I was going for a brace.
20:22In the wheel arch, here with me. There you are.
20:26- Wonderful! I'll get the tractor to you later.
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undefined:undefined- Yeah, it's Rex, thank you.
21:52SHE SNIFFS
21:56I tell you what else we do just to make a few bob is dog looky-likeys.
22:01Who do you think it is?
22:02It's Posh Spice.
22:04Looks exactly like her, doesn't it?
22:06Our film crew went down to Prickly Pear Farm
22:09to see how things are going now.
22:11So, as you know, we're always looking for ways
22:14to keep changing and trying to keep going and, at the moment,
22:18we're diversi-fucking into having burials here, natural burials.
22:24All dead, aren't they?
22:26- Yeah, they're all dead before we bury them.
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undefined:undefined- Too tall, that one.
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undefined:undefined- Four.
25:17- No, three.
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undefined:undefined- Right, have you got a receipt?
25:41- No.
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undefined:undefined- That's him there.
25:50- No, ssh. Ssh!
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undefined:undefined- Yes, I saw him yesterday.
27:15Well, I don't know why you don't just live with the bloody prick
27:18full time since you seem to bloody love him so bloody much!
27:21No-one cares what I think! You never care for my feelings, darling.
27:25Well, bugger, bugger, bollocks to all of you!
27:28Hello, I'm Joanna Lumley.
27:31Much as I've loved working with French and Saunders,
27:33and funny as they are - and they ARE funny -
27:37I've got a very busy life of my own now.
27:40I've got auditions lined up, lots of auditions.
27:43My next one is for London Underground.
27:45"Mind the gap." "Stand clear of the closing doors."
27:48So, could you please get me off their database?
27:51And, Jennifer, stop stalking me!
27:53Lose my number!
27:54Bye!
27:59# When you move in right up close to me
28:06# That's when I get the shakes all over me... #
28:16MUSIC: I'm Not In Love by 10CC
28:28MUSIC: Shout by Lulu
28:37POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
28:45From Bristol, it's best friends Mary and Marina.
28:53POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
28:59- I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm coming out.
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undefined:undefined- No.
29:23- We don't care who's in, who's out.
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undefined:undefined- Isn't it?
29:41- Yeah, cos they named the condition after her.
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undefined:undefined- Truly. We do, yeah. Try us.
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undefined:undefined- No!
30:44Nowadays, we're gender fluid.
30:47- Well, speak for yourself.
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undefined:undefined- No, Pocahontas!
31:50So, plain card, right? And watch these magic fingers.
32:05And there we go - doily!
32:09I'm almost unbelievably beautiful, aren't I?
32:12- Are you?
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undefined:undefined- You're so cute! You're so cute!
32:53- Like, will you help me clean out my closet?
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:undefined- What? What, what?
33:15You haven't blended. Look.
33:16No, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.
33:19- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
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undefined:undefined- No, it isn't.
34:00Look at you! Look at you!
34:01You've missed the whole point of it.
34:03Because I won't look like this when it goes out, will I?
34:07- What do you mean?
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undefined:undefined- We're fa-fa-ing.
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undefined:undefined- Cut!
38:36No, I didn't say a word. That was the parrot.
38:39That was the parrot speaking. Silly parrot!
38:41Can we lose the parrot?
38:43- But this is my husband's parrot.
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undefined:undefined- Where?
39:13Two o'clock, two o'clock. No, my two o'clock. Six o'clock, six o'clock.
39:17There. There!
39:18Oh, yes, that's him, that's him.
39:20- BOTH:
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undefined:undefined- No.
39:45Do you want another picture?
39:46- Of what, sorry?
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undefined:undefined- No, no, don't...
40:04- You could help us.
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undefined:undefined- And yet we are the people with the huge body of work.
40:25Yes, yes. Are you familiar with our work?
40:28- Fa-fa-fa!
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undefined:undefined- BLEEP
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undefined:undefined- No, now!
41:00Doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof...
41:02THEY HUM THE EASTENDERS THEME
41:13- Really quite an oeuvre.
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undefined:undefined- No, don't ask him that.
41:27- He can't answer it. Can you?
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undefined:undefined711
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undefined:undefined
undefined:undefined- Do you need anything?
42:05Oh, here's Demelza!
42:06Here she is. She's come to rescue him. You stay there.
42:10She's come to pretend that he's needed in make-up when he isn't.
42:14- He doesn't need make-up.
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undefined:undefined- Yes.
42:38- Oh, is that Aidan over there? Is that him there?
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undefined:undefined- Aidan! Where's he going?
43:00- Aidan!
undefined:undefined- Aidan! Where's he going?
undefined:undefined- Aidan! Where's he going?
undefined:undefined- AIDAN! What's his second name?
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undefined:undefined- POLDAAARK!
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undefined:undefined
undefined:undefined- Yes.
43:59It's just because he has that little bit of skin on him down here.
44:03This wouldn't be allowed if he was a woman.
44:05You know, cos when a man pulls his trousers down low,
44:07there's that man shape,
44:09I don't know what it is, and there's that bit of skin there
44:12and I like to imagine that, when he wakes up in the morning,
44:15he smells of biscuits...
44:17Stop it! Don't worry about her. She's no danger.
44:20She won't act on anything. She's dead from the waist down.
44:23Seriously, though, if you were a man letching over a woman
44:25the way you letch over him,
44:27I could have you reported and taken off this set.
44:29Steady on! I'm being attacked by a feminist, or something!
44:32- I give up.
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undefined:undefined
undefined:undefined- One with us with Mr Helligan.
44:42- There we go, that's it.
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undefined:undefined780
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undefined:undefined- Are you going to do the accent, Dawn?
45:23- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
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undefined:undefined- Can I ask you a question?
45:45Of course you can!
45:48- Dawn French off the telly-o-vision...
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