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00:00 What's up everybody? It's summer school around Chains Church. That means whenever
00:04 you're watching this I film this during the summer. And this summer we're
00:08 studying manology. Sisters, you need to tap in here if you want to understand
00:15 your boyfriend, your husband, your son, your father better. You need to tap in.
00:19 Listen to me. Listen to me. This message is called I Got Needs Too. Find out what
00:25 your man's needs are. Take care.
00:29 This is about to be a long few weeks, right? Because if I had said woman...
00:37 It's okay. But really quick, let me in this room, New Jersey, let me
00:48 really, I want you to hear the heart behind this series. My heart is to
00:56 attempt to address the disparity as it relates to the proportion of men that
01:06 are a part of the Christian faith. A disparity that exists in the Christian
01:12 faith that does not exist in the other two world major religions. It's a huge
01:23 disparity that exists. So the question that we have to ask is when it comes to
01:29 other faiths, particularly the two others that are the largest
01:35 populated world religions, why is the proportion of men to women relatively
01:41 equal? And then when it comes to those of us who claim to be a part of
01:47 something that is the truth, the percentage of the participation of men
01:54 is so drastically different. Now there has been research
02:00 done on this. I've been exploring this. There's been research that's done on
02:04 this. There have been grants that have funded research to try to explore why
02:09 some of these disparities exist. And there are a number of reasons
02:14 that are really just specific to men themselves. So there's
02:18 some things that men themselves have to kind of work out and address, but we
02:23 can't fix them. Everybody's got to fix themselves. But there are some things
02:27 that we do as a faith that do not help our cause. And those are the things that
02:34 we need to address. We need to remove the hurdles and the barriers we
02:39 unintentionally create. And if you love your husband, you love your father, you
02:44 love your son, you love your brother, you love your nephew, if you love in any way
02:51 any man in your life, this should matter to you too. Does that make sense? So I
03:00 think this week you might be expecting, these next few weeks you may be
03:03 expecting me to take a side. I'm not taking a side. Right? I'm not attacking
03:11 the women. I'm not tearing down the men. I want to address this disparity in the
03:18 churches I serve. I can't address it for the body of Christ. I'm not responsible
03:23 for the body of Christ. God has set me as a steward over change. And so I want to
03:30 be faithful and do everything I can to make sure we're removing those barriers
03:35 at change. Because some of those hurdles are hurdles that can be addressed. One of
03:40 the barriers is simply this, it is the absence of integrity in spiritual
03:44 leadership. Men don't follow men, they can't trust. I wouldn't follow spiritually
03:53 a man if I leave the room and my wife is with you, I got to wonder. Not me.
03:59 Am I making sense? This is the absence of integrity in spiritual leadership, moral
04:08 integrity and financial integrity. The absence of those things become hurdles
04:11 for men. The lack of discipline that men see in other men who are in spiritual
04:17 leadership. Guys, this data, this not my opinion. When men look at other men,
04:25 they're inspired by what looked like discipline. The presence of judgment and
04:37 condemnation among other believers. And then there is what we're going to
04:43 attempt to explore and address this month, that is the lack of relevancy with
04:50 ministry. Because of the disproportionate amount of women to men in churches,
04:57 churches can unintentionally minister in a way that is disproportionate. So you're
05:06 asking a man now to come to something that's not even relevant for him. He's
05:12 been beat up all week in culture, beat up all week at work. And then you're inviting
05:21 him to come to another beat-up session on his day off, win the game coming on.
05:29 Y'all aren't talking to... I got to get up, put on clothes. So that's what, that's the
05:39 heart of manology. It is a... Hey, when it comes to the disproportion that exists as
05:47 relates to ministering to their needs, we want to apply the ministry of the word to
05:51 the needs of men. And sisters, I need your support. God created us for collaboration
05:56 with each other. The enemy wants us contentious, but God created us for
06:00 collaboration. And so I want you to be open. I want you to open your heart, men
06:05 and women. Men, there are some areas I believe God's word is going to challenge
06:08 us in. There are some things we need to understand about ourselves. And sisters,
06:11 there are some things I think that God's going to share with us this month that
06:14 will help you understand that. So the book of Genesis chapter 25, beginning at
06:18 verse number 27, I'm going to read a few verses here. It says this, "The boys grew
06:27 up and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was
06:32 content to stay at home among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game,
06:37 loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob. Once Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in
06:42 from open country, famished. He said to Jacob, 'Quick, let me have some of that
06:46 red stew. I'm famished.' This is why he was called Edom. Jacob replied, 'First, sell
06:52 me your birthright.' 'Look, I'm about to die. What good is the birthright to me?
06:59 Did you die, though?'" You're not about to die. You didn't die. Calm down. You're
07:06 exaggerating. "But Jacob said, 'Swear to me first.' So he swore an oath to him,
07:13 selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some
07:20 lentil stew. He ate and drank and got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright."
07:27 I want to stop the reading of Scripture there, and I want to tag a title of this
07:31 text, this first sermon in this series called Manology. I want to say this. Here
07:37 it is. Fellas, don't leave me out here by myself this month.
07:41 Here it is. Here's the topic of today's teaching. I have needs too.
07:49 [Laughter]
07:59 [Laughter]
08:09 [Laughter]
08:19 [Laughter]
08:31 I have needs too. One of the concepts that Scripture conveys about the nature
08:41 of God is that God is the God who meets needs. As a matter of fact, a tent maker
08:49 from Tarsus told believers in Philippi that he had gone through some situations
08:58 that had given him an education that God makes provision for his people. Paul
09:05 testifies in Philippians chapter 4. He says, "My God shall supply all my needs."
09:14 As a matter of fact, he doesn't simply say, "God will supply all my needs," which
09:20 says that every need I have, God will make sure is supplied. He says, "God will
09:25 supply all the need," which means that if all the need isn't supplied, God isn't
09:32 finished supplying. If things aren't finished, God isn't done because God is a
09:42 finisher. However, it's important to note that if God has determined to be the God
09:49 who meets needs, it's because he knows he is serving people who will always have
09:55 them. Part of what it means to be God is to be self-sufficient. This is a human
10:04 divine distinction. God has no needs. He doesn't need to grow because he already
10:11 is everything he will be. He has no need to change because he is already the
10:18 ultimate expression of perfection. He has no lack because he is the source of all
10:26 abundance. He has no esteem issues because he's constant and clear on who
10:31 he is. God has no needs, but humans do. And to be human means to not be God, and to
10:39 not be God means that there are some things you need that you can't meet
10:44 yourself. Did you hear what I just said? God is the only one that can meet all of
10:55 his own needs. The rest of us have physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual
11:05 needs, relational needs that cannot be met by themselves, and to ask someone to
11:12 ignore those needs is to disregard their humanity. It is to unintentionally
11:24 dehumanize them because to tell me to ignore my needs is to tell me to be God.
11:35 Stay with me. We're going. Come on. Come on. Did you hear what I just said? To tell me
11:41 to ignore my needs says to me you expect me to be God. And everyone has needs, rich,
11:55 poor, black, white, brown, male, female, young, old. Everybody is rich in some area and
12:01 poor in another. However, this month we are discussing a demographic that in
12:05 contemporary religious spaces is often dismissed, disregarded, and demonized. This
12:10 month we're not saying nobody else has needs, but this month I'm acknowledging
12:18 everybody has needs, but this month I'm not saying one set of needs with one
12:23 demographic is more important than another set of needs for another
12:27 demographic, but this month can we have a month? Y'all aren't talking to me.
12:39 It's 52 weeks in a year. Can we have four?
12:44 This month we want to focus on the needs of men. I know our society has a history
12:57 of toxic patriarchy, a history of the subjugation of women, the denial of the
13:01 right to vote, lack of access to certain roles, disproportionate in income and
13:06 compensation. All of these are real ills that are impacting our sisters that need
13:10 to be discussed and addressed. However, in an attempt to create solutions, we engage
13:14 in activity that is an expression of an overcorrection to the degree that
13:19 there's an abdication of our responsibility to be our brother's
13:22 keeper. And as a consequence, there has been the inauguration of an epidemic of
13:28 hungry men. Let me clarify what I'm communicating when I say hunger. Hunger
13:37 is a craving for something that meets a God-given need. Hunger is a craving for
13:45 something that meets a God-given need. It doesn't mean that what you're craving
13:51 is godly. Did you hear what I just said? It doesn't mean that what you're craving
13:59 is godly. It means that what you're craving is an ill, sometimes an
14:05 illegitimate attempt to meet a legitimate need. And if there is a word
14:15 that you would say, Pastor Darius, in two decades of serving people, specifically
14:21 men, in two decades of serving people, not just through the vehicle of ministry, but
14:28 also recently through the vehicle of the marketplace, in your time of pastoring
14:33 and mentoring and discipling and coaching and having conversations with
14:38 men, what is a word that you would use to describe the dominant emotional
14:45 disposition of most of the men you encounter? And the word is hungry.
14:53 Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. And not all men are hungry because they're
15:03 malfunctioning. Some men are hungry because we're malnourished. It's getting
15:10 a little tight. All right. Some of us are hungry because our needs are treated
15:15 like preferences. Some of us are hungry... Did you hear what I just said? Some of us
15:24 are hungry because we have somehow came up with an unbiblical ideology of
15:32 masculinity that says my strength is revealed in my ability to go without
15:40 what God created me to need. So somehow being a man means being happy, being
15:50 miserable. I should have did this one online, Marcus. Be a man. Somehow
16:05 masculinity has been conflated.
16:12 Has been conflated with misery. As a man... Now I'm not talking about man-created
16:20 needs. I'm not talking about lasciviousness. I'm not talking about
16:24 excessiveness. I'm not talking about craziness. I'm not talking about
16:27 something that is a preference that a man is calling a need. I'm talking about
16:34 God-given needs. I'm getting ready to share. There are ten of them that you need. And when
16:45 you're trying to function while you're malnourished in some area, you're going
16:51 to malfunction. I want y'all to hear me and I am telling you some of the ills,
16:58 the issues, the problems, the challenges, the hang-ups, the stupidity, the
17:04 self-destructive behavior that we are seeing in men is not the problem. They're
17:10 hunger pains. Some of the issues that we are seeing in the lives of men are
17:18 symptoms of men that are malnourished in certain areas because hunger impacts
17:26 your ability to function optimally. You know how you are when you're hungry.
17:41 You know you're not your best attitudinally when you're hungry. You're
17:52 not the most patient person. You at the restaurant and you like, "Where the food at?
18:04 Why they taking so long with my food?"
18:12 Because we don't function optimally when we're hungry. Think about this. Hunger
18:22 impacts a number of things. One of the things that hunger impacts is focus. It's
18:29 hard to focus when you're hungry. Man, early in ministry we used to go to all these
18:35 like conferences and stuff where you're learning and learning leadership and
18:39 learning church strategy and all that stuff. We'd be in sessions all day and I'd be
18:42 sitting there and that person could be as anointed as Jesus, but after a certain
18:47 amount of time, "I'm hungry." It's like you got a word, but you need to hurry up. I was
18:54 looking for one of them old church mothers who got some of the butterscotch
18:58 in their purse. It's like, "I need... I'm hungry." I remember growing up in church. We had
19:08 long church growing up. I'm talking about long church growing up. Jesus, it was long
19:15 church growing up. And then I used to want to be a preacher because I look up...
19:20 See, I grew up in a church where they had the throne chairs and the preacher sat in
19:27 the highest chair. And they had church nurses that had no medical training.
19:34 [applause]
19:36 They would come and bring the preacher Gatorade and orange juice and water. I
19:52 was sitting there as a little boy saying, "I want to be a preacher!"
19:56 [applause]
19:58 It's hard to focus when you're hungry. And if you see a unfocused man and the
20:12 only thing you attempt to do is to fix the focus, you are fixing the fruits, but
20:18 you're not fixing the root of the problem. You don't fix some man's focus
20:24 simply by fixing some men's focus because sometimes the inability to focus
20:30 is evidence that that's a hungry man. He is unclear on his assignment, so he's
20:36 hungry for validation. He's hungry for affirmation. So he's jumping from career
20:42 to career to career. You were engineer, now you a rapper. And now, y'all not
20:48 talking to me, now you go from a rapper, now you a producer. Now you go from a
20:53 producer to a rapper. What do you want to do with your life? And we say things like,
21:01 "He's unclear. He's inconsistent. He don't know what he want out of life. He's
21:06 hungry!" And he's looking for something that makes him feel like something. I'm
21:15 gonna say that one more time. He's looking for something that makes him
21:19 feel like something. So he will pursue things he's not even called to because
21:25 it fills a void that's not being ministered to.
21:32 You're not searching for a career, he's searching for himself.
21:46 Unsatisfied. No promotion is ever enough. I've never seen a chronically, we all
21:54 clear it unclear in certain seasons, but I've never seen a chronically unclear
21:59 man that didn't have deep emotional wounds. Never seen it.
22:07 It affects your focus. Hunger affects not just our focus, it affects our fortitude.
22:16 I don't know, because this is just the first lesson of this, and we still
22:20 getting to know each other. Just kind of, Jerz, I know y'all, some of, but after the pandemic,
22:25 some of y'all, you new too, so we all kind of getting to know each other.
22:29 So I'm kind of, you know, maybe by the third lesson we really gonna be all the
22:36 way there, but at least I can't commit ministry malpractice and not
22:43 address this. See, fortitude comes from the Latin word fortis, which means
22:47 strong. Fortitude is strength of mind. When hunger walk in, strength walk out.
22:57 Come on now, anybody that has ever tried to stay on any type of eating regimen,
23:09 you know it's more difficult to resist the Oreos. Come on, it is more difficult
23:20 to resist what you don't need when you hungry. I'm gonna say that one more time.
23:30 It is more difficult to resist what you don't need when you're hungry. Things I
23:36 normally wouldn't eat when I'm full are things I become open to when I'm hungry
23:43 because hunger wears down your resistance and hunger makes things that
23:48 will kill you eventually attractive to you momentarily. Y'all aren't talking to
23:54 me, and whenever you see a man engaging in chronic self-sabotaging behavior, why
24:03 do you keep doing what's killing you? You better hear this here. You better catch
24:07 this now because sometimes the thing that's killing you is feeding you.
24:14 These chips are killing me, but they're feeding me. These cookies are killing me,
24:24 but they're feeding me. Come on now, this processed food is killing me, but it's
24:29 feeding me, and even though it doesn't hold me eternally, it does satisfy me
24:35 temporarily, and so I keep going back to something I know I need to stay away
24:43 from because even though it's killing me, it don't feel like death. It's killing me
24:51 softly. It affects your focus when you're hungry. It affects your fortitude when
25:04 you're hungry. It affects your fragility when you and I are hungry. Fragility
25:10 refers to delicatelessness or easily broken. Boy, I don't have time.
25:19 See, I know the sisters have the reputation for moodiness.
25:46 I know when people, generally speaking, start talking about moodiness, they
25:53 immediately relegate moodiness to women, but I've been in the game two decades,
26:03 and I am telling you, the sisters are not the only ones moody. Men can be moody
26:16 walking the door kissing on you on Monday and walk in and don't speak on
26:22 Tuesday. Y'all are talking to me, and I need some men to admit that you know you
26:32 can be moody. One day you talkative, the next day you don't want to talk. One day
26:38 you Prince Charming, and men talk about how women confuse them, but I've been in
26:50 the game a long time, and some women are confused. It's like you don't know what
26:56 you want. You want me to be Mother Teresa and a city girl at the same time? I am
27:02 confused.
27:05 [Applause]
27:21 You want both?
27:25 [Laughter]
27:51 [Applause]
28:05 These symptoms are often expression of hunger, and there's an incredible example
28:13 of this in our text zone today, and our text today is interesting. It's the story
28:18 of this exchange between two brothers. These brothers are Esau and Jacob, and so
28:24 the Bible says something really, really interesting that Esau and Jacob both had
28:29 different interests, and one of Esau's interests was hunting. The Bible says he
28:33 had a taste for wild game, and the Bible says one day Esau is out hunting, and he
28:43 comes in, and he is incredibly hungry, and the Bible says Jacob has some soup. So
28:51 Esau says to Jacob, "Who is so much in this?"
28:56 "Somebody be your own people. I don't have time, because you have somebody that
29:09 should be covering him, exploiting his hunger."
29:13 Did you hear what I just said? I want you to catch this. The Bible says Esau comes
29:28 in, he says, "I'm hungry. I'm about to die." He isn't about to die, but when you're
29:38 famished, you overestimate your condition, and things feel much worse
29:48 than they are. So Jacob, he says, "I need you to give me something to eat right now."
29:55 Jacob says, "Uh, no. I'll give you this food if you give me your birthright." Now, what's
30:08 the birthright? The birthright was an inheritance reserved for the eldest son
30:13 that included specific material possessions, family privileges, and
30:19 spiritual blessings. Even though they were twins, Esau came first, so Esau was
30:26 the oldest. So he was the one that had the birthright. Material possessions,
30:33 family privileges, and spiritual blessings. Jacob said, "I'll give you some
30:40 soup if you give me your birthright." This man gave up his whole future.
30:57 He blew his entire future for some soup.
31:11 Esau, what are you doing? And you're a strong man, because you're a hunter. But
31:28 being strong doesn't mean, Esau, you don't have needs. And when you go an extended
31:39 amount of time, Esau, without getting those needs met, the longer you go, the
31:48 less rational you become. You spent all that time hunting. You should have
31:58 prepared. And please don't misunderstand me. I'm not making excuses for Esau's
32:06 behavior, because Esau, and only Esau, is responsible for his behavior. But I want
32:11 you to be clear that even though there's never an excuse, there are reasons. And I
32:23 want you to know that there are men that are like Esau who are out hunting
32:28 because they're hungry. I'm not gonna bother this, but if you just came in from
32:35 hunting,
32:38 if you just came in from hunting, you should have something with you. You can throw on
32:47 the fire real quick. But maybe he's been hunting and not coming up with anything
32:56 that actually fill him. Because most men who are workaholics are hunting. And they
33:10 get the boat and the boat won't do it. And they get the other cars and the other
33:13 cars won't do it. And he blows the birthright on a bowl of soup. How could
33:26 somebody so smart do something so dumb? Hunger. How could somebody so wise do
33:38 something so silly? Hunger. Why in the world would you give away your birthright
33:48 for a moment? Hungry. And Esau is often judged. Should he be accountable for his
34:02 behavior? Yes. But Esau is often judged because we tell his story, I'm done. We
34:10 tell this story, but we don't hear his version. And before I leave, Esau texts
34:18 me this week.
34:22 He say, "D," I say, "What up?" He say, "I got something to say." He say, "Tell the people
34:34 I'm accountable for my behavior. I'm responsible for my behavior. Tell them
34:42 there are no excuses for my behavior. But make sure they know I didn't do it
34:52 because I was evil. I did it because I was empty."
35:05 Tell them, "D," tell them, "I got needs too." Now I know what some people are saying, "Pastor,
35:16 only God can satisfy hunger." That's true, but there's a role people play, right?
35:23 It's called interdependence. God uses people. I don't even have time, but
35:27 theologically I can unpack this and show you that the Bible says God creates the
35:33 first human species, Adam, and then looks at Adam, God who's omnipresent, looks at
35:39 Adam and says it's not good for him to be alone. How can he be alone if God
35:43 there? Y'all missed it. He says it's not good for man to be alone. God is there. As
35:52 long as I got King Jesus, I don't need anybody else. God is there. God's like, "No,
36:00 there's a need he has that I cannot meet. There are needs he has I cannot meet
36:07 directly. I need to meet those needs indirectly, so I'm gonna create somebody
36:14 that will do for him what I can't do."
36:20 That is the first, the creation of Eve is the first expression of what we call
36:27 incarnational ministry. It is God saying, "I'm gonna meet the needs of people by
36:32 using people." So God looked at Adam and said, "I need a human to do this. I need a
36:48 human because Adam and Esau have needs." Esau told me to tell you—y'all want to
36:58 hear what he had to say? I'm gonna text him back after the service.
37:00 Esau told me to tell you, number one, he's got verbal needs. Esau said, "I
37:09 need to hear some things." And here's the thing, Eve, you
37:17 underestimate the power of your words.
37:21 Your words. See, all words don't weigh the same. Somebody else can say the same
37:30 thing to me Pastor Shemekah say, but her words carry weight. Come on now. I can
37:37 hear a—I can hear 10,000 you did good, but when when she say, "You killed it." Wait a
37:43 minute, girl. Play with me if you want to. Don't you talk to me like that.
37:51 The created order was upset because of Eve's influence with her words. The Bible
38:09 says Adam was not deceived. He knew he shouldn't have done it, but Eve's words
38:18 has so much power. Words matter. I'm not gonna bother this until next week.
38:35 Delilah didn't win Samson with her waistline. She won Samson with her words.
38:43 She talked that man out of the secret to his strength.
38:49 I literally had to tell Pastor Shemekah one time, I said, "I need you to talk to
39:01 me the way you talked to our boys when they were little." Look at them muscles.
39:08 Look at you moving that thing. Look at my little baby. Your strong. Look at you. You
39:15 so smart.
39:27 Because we get it when we three, and we respond a certain way when we three, and
39:34 because we don't respond the same way when we 33, you can assume it don't
39:39 impact us the same way. But when I hear it at 33, it impacts me the
39:46 same way it did at three. I just don't smile the way I did at three. Because
39:53 when you tell a three-year-old that, they like, "Show me your muscle."
39:59 And you may tell me that at 33, and I may say, "Appreciate it," but on the inside, I'm
40:05 like, "I need somebody to talk back to me today. We need to hear."
40:16 I'm done, Tario. I know you may say, "Everybody's doing it." We need it from you.
40:32 Everybody's words are the same. We need it from you. Your words are way different.
40:45 And so, does that make sense? So a man begins to frequent and become
40:51 obsessed with that which validates the uniqueness of his identity. He needs to
41:05 hear from you. He's got verbal needs. He needs to hear your admiration,
41:18 hear your appreciation. Come on, hear your attraction. He need to hear you think he
41:32 fine. "You don't want to talk to me?" First Song of Solomon 1, 2. "Let him kiss me with
41:46 the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine." Talk to me like that.
41:55 He's got verbal needs. I'm not even gonna bother this. Yes, I am. Jesus gets baptized
42:03 and the Bible says that the Father speaks. "This is my beloved Son in whom I'm
42:13 well pleased." And Jesus now can do ministry out of affirmation, not for it.
42:24 He says, "I'm not looking for something outside because I got it before I left."
42:34 He has verbal needs. He's got emotional needs. He has recreational needs and he
42:50 has relational needs. Too many men are trading their future for soup.
42:56 And we can keep berating, insulting, condemning them, or we can challenge men
43:15 to do the work. "God, I got to deal with this," because this is why some of you
43:17 are frustrated. Some of you are frustrated because you're trying to get
43:21 answers from him he don't have. So you're willing to meet a need he can't identify
43:30 yet because the level of self-awareness hasn't been raised to the point where he
43:37 can separate the need from the craving. So he keeps asking you for what he's
43:43 craving for. And what he's craving for is never enough and it keeps changing
43:49 because he hadn't identified the real need. Too many are trading their future
44:00 for soup. I'm not just talking about relationally, I'm talking about
44:04 professionally. Building empires, destroying their castle. You just traded
44:11 your birthright for soup. And we can keep berating or condemning, or we can say
44:19 we've been called to be our brother's keeper because we have an example of a
44:25 man who did not succumb to his hunger. Jesus. Forty days of fasting in the
44:33 wilderness and the enemy said, "Take these stones and make them bread." And he said,
44:40 "Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth
44:47 of God." God help us to help feed these hungry men. You received this word today.
45:04 (audience applauding)