A pair of witches and their pet cat welcome a long-lost niece into their new Kansas home and also have to contend with a | dG1fYy1QNmJIWmM3Wlk
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Short filmTranscript
00:00 [crickets chirping]
00:12 [howling]
00:17 Let's see Lorraine, what do the spirits have in store for you today?
00:21 [gasps]
00:23 What? I'm seeing something.
00:25 Is it a man?
00:26 Well I'll be darned. It is!
00:28 [audience laughter]
00:31 Do you know a... Bill?
00:33 No.
00:34 How about a Bob?
00:35 No.
00:36 Jack?
00:37 No.
00:38 Mike?
00:39 No.
00:40 You don't know anybody named Mike?
00:41 No!
00:42 [audience laughter]
00:44 Girl, you gotta get out of the house more.
00:46 [audience laughter]
00:47 Lucky for you, I'm running a special on love potions this week.
00:51 Oh!
00:52 Now, for only $99.95, you can get my special deluxe love kit, guaranteed to give you a lifetime of matrimonial bliss with the man of your dreams!
01:02 Oh, well take it!
01:04 Smart girl.
01:06 And uh...
01:07 [audience laughter]
01:08 Wouldn't it be worth an extra 20 bucks for him to be faithful?
01:12 Definitely.
01:13 [audience laughter]
01:16 Now what you do, Miss Wiesner, is you drink this little bottle of love potion,
01:20 and then you get naked, and you dance around this little red candlelight crazy until you work up a real good sweat!
01:26 [audience laughter]
01:29 Ew! Not a pretty picture.
01:32 [audience laughter]
01:34 Oh, Redfield, don't be so catty.
01:36 What?
01:37 Oh, I was just talking to the cat.
01:39 Oh.
01:40 Um, anyway, you do this every night until Mr. Right windsurfs into your life.
01:46 Oh, Elvira, how can I ever thank you?
01:49 Next time, bring cash.
01:51 [audience laughter]
01:54 Hello?
01:59 [door creaks open]
02:00 Hello! I'm back!
02:03 [audience laughter]
02:04 Come in.
02:06 [door creaks open]
02:07 Careful of the step.
02:09 [audience laughter]
02:12 Minerva?
02:14 What the heck are you doing with that shopping cart?
02:16 Oh, don't worry, dear. I'll send it right back to the store.
02:20 Minerva, what have I always told you about exposing yourself?
02:24 Oh, dear. Did I tuck my skirt into my pantyhose again?
02:28 [audience laughter]
02:30 No. I mean exposing your witchcraft.
02:33 Ugh. Come on, you know the rules.
02:36 As long as you don't do it in public, you can do it as much as you like.
02:39 Or until you need glasses.
02:41 Oops. Too late.
02:44 You shut up, you furball, or I'll have you neutered again.
02:48 [audience laughter]
02:50 Oh, Elvira, I hate living in the closet.
02:54 Look, I don't like it any better than you do,
02:57 but I'm sick and tired of pulling up steaks just to keep from getting burned at one.
03:01 [audience laughter]
03:03 Besides, I like living here in Manhattan.
03:06 Oh, yes. Glamorous Manhattan.
03:09 When you told me we were moving to Manhattan, I thought,
03:12 "Broadway. Times Square."
03:15 But nooo. You meant Manhattan, Kansas.
03:19 The little apple. The city that always sleeps.
03:23 [audience laughter]
03:25 The main thing is that nobody's caught on to the fact that we're witches,
03:27 and I'd like to keep it that way. Okay?
03:30 [audience laughter]
03:32 Well, it's not as if we were Siegfried and Roy.
03:36 I mean, we can only do a few harmless parlor tricks,
03:40 like moving shopping carts, fixing parking meters, switching price codes.
03:44 You can switch price codes? Of course. Look.
03:47 I got this family-sized jar of chunky peanut butter for only 25 cents.
03:52 Did you get my shaving cream?
03:55 I knew I forgot something.
03:57 Oh, great. I'll just spread this on my legs and let the rats chew off the hairs.
04:01 [audience laughter]
04:03 Now can you please take this shopping cart back to the store?
04:07 Well, can't I at least ride in it?
04:10 Minerva? I'll push it. I'll push it.
04:14 Oh, Minnie. Bring back some kitty litter, or you'll be sorry.
04:19 [audience laughter]
04:22 [TV playing]
04:28 Look at that, Renfield. A five-tray electric food dehydrator.
04:33 I imagine we could make hundreds of pounds of beef jerkin.
04:37 [audience laughter]
04:39 Stop. I'm grueling. Switch it back to Sharon the fat lady.
04:43 [audience laughter]
04:46 Minerva, get the door!
04:48 [doorbell buzzes]
04:50 I'm coming. I'm coming. Hold your horseshoes.
04:55 [doorbell buzzes]
04:57 Hey there, pretty lady.
04:59 Renfield, did we order a hunky stud muffin from the home shopping club?
05:04 [audience laughter]
05:06 Who is that? Oh!
05:08 [audience laughter]
05:10 Excuse me, but which one of you is a psychic?
05:12 I am.
05:14 I have to excuse my aunt. She's getting senile.
05:17 I was going to put her in one of those homes, but you know how they mistreat the elderly.
05:22 Okay, you can have him. I had the insurance salesman.
05:27 [audience laughter]
05:29 So, you must be Elvira.
05:33 No, I must be dreaming.
05:36 [audience laughter]
05:39 And you are?
05:42 Chip. Chip Taylor.
05:44 Oh, Chip as in potato?
05:47 [audience laughter]
05:50 Bet I can't eat just one.
05:52 [audience laughter]
05:56 Walk this way.
05:58 [audience gasp]
06:00 [audience laughter]
06:06 Dr. Dingy Sailor.
06:08 [audience laughter]
06:13 Let's see.
06:15 Oh, Chip. I see big things in your future.
06:20 [audience laughter]
06:24 Really?
06:26 Yes. Would you like to see more?
06:30 Yes, ma'am.
06:32 But actually, what I really came here for was,
06:36 friends of mine told me that you sell love potions and I'd like to buy one.
06:40 How much is it?
06:42 I don't know.
06:44 How about if I just lip wrestle you for it?
06:47 [audience laughter]
06:51 Minerva, get the door!
06:54 Oh, hold that thought, Chip.
06:58 Right between your knees.
07:01 [audience laughter]
07:06 Oh, put me down for two boxes of chocolate mint and one vanilla cream. Thanks!
07:11 [audience laughter]
07:16 I thought you didn't have to pay until you got the cookies.
07:19 Oh, by the way, I can see that you're busy.
07:22 Busy? Whatever gave you that idea?
07:25 [audience laughter]
07:26 See? I'm completely free.
07:28 At least for the first three minutes.
07:30 [audience laughter]
07:32 Uh, how about if I just come back tonight?
07:36 Oh, tonight? Groovy.
07:38 Yeah, come back tonight and I'll give you my happy hour special.
07:42 Two for the price of one.
07:45 [audience laughter]
07:48 Are you still here? What do you want?
07:51 My name is Paige Grayson.
07:53 Yeah, so?
07:55 I'm your niece.
07:57 On my knees? I ain't getting on my knees for no girl scout.
08:00 [audience laughter]
08:02 No, no. I'm your niece.
08:06 Autoviral!
08:08 Minerva!
08:11 [audience laughter]
08:13 Minerva!
08:16 Oh, I'll have one chocolate mint and two golden nut clusters.
08:20 [audience laughter]
08:22 Minerva, this young lady in the clunky shoes seems to think she's related to us.
08:27 You must be Paige. Oh, darling. I'm your great aunt Minerva.
08:32 Oh, let me look at you.
08:36 Oh, my, how you've grown.
08:39 But you've never seen me before.
08:41 [audience laughter]
08:42 Well, I'm assuming you used to be much smaller.
08:45 [audience laughter]
08:48 Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Who is she?
08:50 She's Elvin's child.
08:53 But my brother never told me he had any kids.
08:56 He didn't know it himself. He died before she was born.
09:01 Her mother disappeared a few years ago in a mysterious boating accident in the Bermuda Triangle.
09:07 Poor dear Paige. She was raised by nuns on a remote island off the coast of Maine.
09:13 [audience laughter]
09:16 Now she's come to stay with us.
09:19 Well, that just explains everything.
09:21 [audience laughter]
09:23 It wasn't until I turned 18 that the sisters warned... uh, told me about you.
09:29 [audience laughter]
09:31 This is the first time I've ever been away from boarding school.
09:35 Oh, so that's a uniform.
09:38 Oh, thank God. I thought you just had really bad taste.
09:41 [audience laughter]
09:44 The sisters taught us not to dress in a way that could tempt men to sin.
09:48 Well, let that be a lesson to you, dear.
09:51 Never take fashion tips from a nun.
09:54 [audience laughter]