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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [Music]
00:02 [Music]
00:31 [Sniffing]
00:34 Twenty biology quizzes and not one smiley face.
00:38 Their grades are plummeting even faster than I did when I fell out of that airplane.
00:44 Uh, Peggy, remember the therapist said to go easy on your spine.
00:48 You may want to shorten your backswing on those check marks.
00:52 Hank, the best therapy for my back will be lifting my third straight substitute teacher of the year award.
01:00 High above my head in triumph.
01:02 Falling from that plane may have broken my spine, but it could not break my teaching bone.
01:09 No, not even if one existed.
01:11 Uh, Mom, I think you're using the English key to mark the bio tests.
01:17 Oh, um, well yes. Oh, I am not used to teaching so much non-Spanish.
01:23 Come on, Peggy Hill, rookie must have did it together.
01:27 Uh-oh, I don't have the bio answer key.
01:31 Bobby, find me a frog.
01:34 Uh-huh. Well, I would suggest you bleed out the excess pressure in the bypass line because if you don't have...
01:43 You got a business call, Hank.
01:44 Uh, not strictly, no.
01:47 Hank, when was the last time you took a day off?
01:50 Well, I took a day off when Bobby was born, but I wasn't really sick.
01:55 I meant to tell you, it just slipped my mind. I did come in that Saturday.
02:00 What? You get the hell out of here, Hank.
02:03 I'm getting squeezed by some insurance company, Pencil Stain, who claims working too long without a vacation can make you sloppy.
02:10 And when you're sloppy in a propane bus, people die. And then my premiums go up.
02:16 Sloppy? I challenge him to find one single mistake.
02:20 Whoa, whoa, Hank, just take some time off. See you in two weeks.
02:25 Couldn't I just take my vacation at my desk?
02:27 No!
02:28 Teaching band today, are you?
02:37 You know, after you win substitute of the year this time, they might just rename it the Hill Trophy.
02:43 Oh, I can't suggest that, Hank. You'd have to suggest that.
02:50 Well, I sure do have the time. This whole not working thing is gonna give me a heart attack, I tell you what.
02:57 God, that'd be embarrassing. Hank Hill found dead not working.
03:02 Well, I wish I could stay and help, but until they invent a machine that can stand in front of a band and keep the beat, I am needed.
03:10 [Band playing]
03:21 Hmm.
03:22 [Band playing]
03:32 [Sigh]
03:36 Hmm?
03:42 [Band playing]
03:56 [Splash]
03:58 [Band playing]
04:01 [Splash]
04:02 [Band playing]
04:12 Yep.
04:13 Yep.
04:14 Yep.
04:15 So what'd you guys do? Any shaves today, Bill, or just haircuts?
04:19 Well...
04:20 How's that new belt working out, Boomhauer?
04:22 Bill, you kill any bugs?
04:24 Did I? No.
04:26 Yep, I did. It fell in the big jar of blue stuff where I keep my combs.
04:31 Was it small, like an ant, or crafty, like a fly?
04:36 I'm not sure.
04:38 Fly.
04:39 Oh.
04:41 I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up, but my plate's full. Situation with a termite. Possibly more than one.
04:49 Termites? Well, maybe you could use an extra set of hands.
04:53 Wing go! But you gotta chip in for gas. And poison.
05:01 Here is the beauty of tenting. Ground zero's officially hot for a week. It takes two days to spray.
05:09 The rest of the time it's your own private playhouse.
05:14 Go on, take a spin on the bidet. Or did you think it was a water fountain?
05:24 I did.
05:28 I'm going home, Dale. I shouldn't even have let myself sit on a stranger's toilet lid.
05:37 Man, this guy's got bad eyesight.
05:44 So tell me about your day. How was, uh, math?
05:50 We were doing conversions on the overhead projector, and Mrs. Hosner erased her mistakes with spit.
05:58 Oh. Huh. Well, what'd you do before math?
06:01 That's my new favorite class. Shop.
06:04 Shop? Bobby, from now on, when I ask how was your day, I mean, how was shop?
06:11 Oh, it's great. Our regular teacher eloped with the lunch lady, so until the two of them get back from Branson,
06:19 Principal Moss is having us use shop as a study hall. We don't have to make anything.
06:25 What? Hold on, son.
06:28 Uh...
06:32 Now I want you to tell me again slowly. What happened to shop?
06:40 Hmm.
06:44 You look so tired, Aunt Peggy. It's not a pretty look.
06:50 Well, there is no rest for a substitute teacher, Luan, except for ten minutes every hour and 45 minutes for lunch.
06:57 I'm a pre-education major. Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.
07:04 Luan, honey, I was not laughing at you. I was laughing at the idea.
07:13 I'm sorry, Hank. The school board will not authorize the funding for a substitute shop teacher.
07:22 Heck, we can't even afford to fix a dent in the gym floor where Coach had his little fit.
07:27 You know, I remember a fella in my eighth grade shop class, pretty handy with a coping saw, nice guy.
07:34 His name was Carl Moss. Whatever happened to him?
07:39 Got married, had kids, responsibilities. Things change, Hank.
07:44 Well, one thing hasn't changed. Kids need shop.
07:48 Well, who's going to teach them?
07:49 The only man handier with a coping saw than Carl Moss.
07:53 Jack Shermer?
07:54 What? Jack was all flash. I coped circles around... me. I'll teach shop and I'll do it for free.
08:02 Okay, Hank. With your wife already a substitute teacher here, just keep the bitterness and the he's-head-she's-head out of my school.
08:10 We have a very good marriage.
08:12 I don't want to catch you two making out in the teacher's lounge.
08:16 You won't!
08:19 So, uh, should I have the students call me Mr. Hill or Hank?
08:25 Oh, good Lord. And I thought I dodged a bullet when Luanne wanted to teach.
08:30 Are you comparing me to Luanne?
08:32 Hank, sit down.
08:35 I'm going to do for you what at the beginning of my career I did for me.
08:41 Create a unified theory of education.
08:44 Now, teaching can be divided into seven spectras.
08:48 The salutatory, the attendatory, pedagogary...
08:52 Wait, let's see. How's it go? Uh, sir, Arnold prefers dining.
08:56 D. Oh, disciplinaria.
08:59 Which brings us to sanitaria.
09:03 Uh, everybody looks pretty clean.
09:08 Guess we could empty the trash.
09:12 Guess we could empty the trash.
09:16 Hmm.
09:23 Uh, son, could you stand up a minute?
09:27 Cool. Is that a switchblade?
09:34 No, uh, it's a multi-tool.
09:37 But it does have a saw.
09:39 What else does it have?
09:41 It has a file, a serrated sheep's foot blade, a lanyard ring, you know, the usual.
09:47 And for our purposes now, a Phillips head.
09:51 Hey, do that thing again.
09:58 What, this?
10:01 Hey, what were you kids working on before they made this a study hall?
10:05 Birdhouses.
10:07 Let's see 'em.
10:11 Uh-huh.
10:14 Hmm.
10:17 Okay, Joseph, well, I don't see any reason your father needs to find out about this.
10:24 You know, birds can build their own houses. They're called nests.
10:29 But I've never seen a bird build a boomerang or a dartboard.
10:33 [children laughing]
10:35 Okay, everyone, put on your goggles.
10:39 Now, remember, everybody, goggles might make you look cool,
10:44 but they're also part of proper safety attire.
10:49 I have this one student, kind of a troublemaker.
10:53 He likes to leave his rabbit plane lying blade down.
10:57 But a project like this mini foosball set might just turn him around.
11:01 So, can I assume that my lesson plan got an A, or is your highest grade an A+?
11:07 Well, actually, I was having a little trouble with the file card, so, well, I kind of winged it.
11:14 Ah, w-winged it?
11:16 Well, you professional teachers probably have a special term for it,
11:21 but I just fell back on natural instinct.
11:24 It might not have been a pretty win, but I'll take it.
11:27 [guitar music]
11:31 Huh, well, that's strange. We don't seem to have a bevel gauge.
11:35 I bet you've got more tools than the school does.
11:38 And I bet the cost benefit Yahoo, who decided this shop could do without a bevel gauge,
11:44 has never even tried to test a bevel, much less a chamfer.
11:49 Yeah, the big Yahoo.
11:51 That's looking good, Bobby. Just remember to clamp your butt joint.
11:56 [coughing]
11:57 Oh, I get it.
11:59 I'm sorry, Dad, I just didn't see--
12:02 No, no, it's okay. You're right.
12:05 Joke's on me. You should use a miter joint here. That will look better.
12:09 Then a--
12:11 Butt joint.
12:12 Right.
12:13 Okay, son, now you're just rubbing it in.
12:16 [guitar music]
12:21 When we take the rose out of the liquid nitrogen,
12:24 it becomes as brittle as the most delicate crystal wine goblet.
12:29 [chatter]
12:35 Oh! Oh!
12:36 [laughs]
12:37 Oh.
12:38 The exciting thing about the laws of nature is that, well, you never know what to expect.
12:50 [grunts]
12:51 [glass shatters]
12:53 [guitar music]
12:56 [grunts]
12:57 Nice sanding, Joseph.
13:00 Boy, this napkin holder is smooth enough to hold even the finest napkin.
13:05 Your mom's gonna love it.
13:08 You see, this is why we do shop.
13:11 Not to be more popular or to get into college,
13:14 but to sand and drill and chisel things for our moms.
13:20 Yeah.
13:21 Well, hey there, Peggy. Welcome to my classroom.
13:26 Hank, it's Mrs. Peggy Hill in front of the voters.
13:30 Or two-time substitute of the year Mrs. Hill.
13:33 Yes, that sounds more natural.
13:35 Didn't you hear the bell ring?
13:37 In two minutes, these students will be tardy somewhere.
13:40 Did anyone show you how to fill out a hall pass?
13:43 No, but I made my own rubber hall pass stamp.
13:49 Hank, what is gonna happen when that falls into the wrong hands?
13:54 Well, I guess you don't have a stamp to answer that, do you?
14:00 Say, Carl, I hope you don't mind.
14:02 I jotted down some basic supplies we need in shop.
14:07 We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aids.
14:11 Like wood.
14:13 You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn't--
14:16 Give it a rest, Hank.
14:18 All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy.
14:23 Why can't Johnny read? Why can't Johnny read?
14:26 God, that gets old.
14:28 But, Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning.
14:31 And I tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.
14:38 They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.
14:45 Joseph must have used the last piece of maple for his napkin holder.
14:50 I wonder if it was like this teaching shop during World War II.
14:54 I don't know.
14:56 You know what helped us win that war?
14:58 People here at home made do with what they had.
15:02 Like when Clark's chair was squeaking, we all pitched in and fixed it.
15:06 And that's exactly what we're gonna do now.
15:09 This school is one big project waiting to be fixed.
15:12 Anyone notice that broken window in the chemistry class?
15:16 We might all bring some tools from home to fix that window or re-hang the letters that blew off the school last winter.
15:23 And no one's gonna make fun of us for going to "Om Landy Middle School" no more.
15:43 Here I sit, broken-hearted, came to the hall.
15:49 Who brought a cordless power sander?
15:51 I'm on it.
15:53 I'll see you tomorrow back in class, Mr. Hill.
16:02 Remember, I called the drill press.
16:05 Okay then, Susie.
16:08 You know, I think they might like me.
16:10 More important, though, I think they might like shop.
16:13 Well, that's just wonderful, Hank.
16:15 But remember, just because they're liking it does not mean they are learning it.
16:20 Hey, Mr. Hill!
16:22 Oh, and P.S., watch out for the brown nosers.
16:26 If history teaches us anything, it is that an informal pre-election vote or straw poll favors the proven winner or the incumbent.
16:39 For our substitute Teacher of the Year straw poll, the incumbent would be me, Mrs. Peggy with a Y-hill.
16:47 Why should a straw poll favor the incumbent?
16:50 Good question.
16:52 My theory is voting for a winner is a way for you to feel more popular, too.
16:58 Okay, now, please pass your ballots forward so Sean can count them.
17:03 Wow! Cool!
17:06 Well, if possibly burning our retinas is cool, then yes, cool.
17:12 Okay, thank you, Sean.
17:16 Now, I will announce the results.
17:20 Three votes for Laura Croft, whoever the heck that is.
17:25 Four votes undecided, okay.
17:28 Four votes for Mrs. Peggy Hill, I thank you.
17:33 And seven votes for Mr. Hank Hill.
17:38 I don't have any math homework, honest.
17:46 Walk with me, Bobby.
17:49 Oh, I don't understand.
17:51 I mean, most of the students who want to vote for him don't even take shop.
17:55 Dad has very good buzz.
17:58 And what is the word on me?
18:00 I think you're seen as more of an insider.
18:03 One of them.
18:05 A suit.
18:06 You know, they play you down.
18:09 I got it.
18:11 Okay, if the locker room's all regrouted, why don't you go to the cafeteria and work on those dimmer switches?
18:22 Mr. Hill, come quick.
18:26 Something's happened to Bobby.
18:31 See?
18:36 Hank, I caught your boy carrying these chisels and screwdrivers in his toothy, pointy...
18:42 Keyhole saw. They're tools. Carl, you used to know that.
18:46 Oh, yeah, maybe.
18:47 But according to school board's zero-tolerance policy, anything that can be used as a weapon is a weapon.
18:53 Well, that's just asinine.
18:55 Hey, my hands are tied.
18:57 If I showed even a little bit of tolerance, we couldn't call it zero-tolerance.
19:02 I'm sorry, Hank. I'm gonna have to suspend your boy.
19:06 He didn't do anything wrong. I told all my students to bring tools in.
19:11 Well, that cuts in on the paperwork.
19:14 I'm gonna have to suspend you.
19:17 Emily!
19:19 Escort Mr. Hill off school grounds.
19:22 Don't you touch me.
19:25 Kicked out of work, kicked out of school.
19:40 This is the worst vacation ever.
19:43 Bubbles?
19:44 Gotcha.
19:46 Damn zero-tolerance.
19:53 Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a tube of four.
20:00 That's how my dad built my treehouse.
20:03 How he cleaned it, too.
20:05 Bureaucrats like Moss don't respond to reason, Hank.
20:09 Let's toilet paper his yard.
20:11 It's not just Moss. It's the whole dang school board.
20:16 That's gonna take a lot more TP.
20:19 I think they keep it under the sink.
20:40 Dad! Dad!
20:43 Can we borrow your tools?
20:46 I wanted to finish this cutting board for my mom's birthday.
20:49 And we've got no place to put our napkins.
20:52 Well, okay. But you'll have to take turns. I only have three circular saws.
20:58 What about sanders?
20:59 I have enough sanders for everyone.
21:05 By now, you have probably all heard about the suspension of popular shop teacher Mr. Hill.
21:12 And his disqualification for substitute teacher of the year.
21:16 That's so unfair.
21:18 He lost his job.
21:20 I could not agree more.
21:22 And in protest, I, Peggy Hill, have decided to take my name off the ballot.
21:27 Instead, I will run as Mrs. Hank Hill.
21:33 [Sawing]
21:37 You might want to use a router instead of that power drill for your grease moat there.
21:42 Can we do a whole unit on routers next week in class?
21:45 Well, good idea, Susie, but it's not my class anymore.
21:49 I could fight for reinstatement, but I gotta get back to the propane game on Monday.
21:55 Aww.
21:56 But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you've got the talent, metal.
22:05 You see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place, as long as it's well lit and the outlets are grounded.
22:12 Because shop is bigger than any classroom or garage or stupid policy that makes tools illegal.
22:19 It's in our hearts.
22:21 [Sawing]
22:29 Okay, let's sweep up.
22:32 [Sizzling]
22:36 Honey, I called the school. They will let you back on school grounds just for the awards ceremony.
22:42 Well, that's terrific.
22:43 Which I take as a very good indication of my chances. Let's go.
22:47 [Footsteps]
22:49 Now, before we meet our new assistant swim coach, I'd like to announce the winner of this year's Substitute Teacher of the Year award.
22:59 Mrs. Hank Hill.
23:01 What? Oh, gosh, thank you.
23:08 Who would have thought that I would win three years in a row?
23:16 Honey, my speech.
23:22 Look, it's Mr. Hill.
23:24 [Cheering]
23:28 You hear that, Hank? I fell out of a plane, and just two months later, I have landed on my feet.
23:37 Mm-hmm.
23:40 All right, shove!
23:48 Gracious, I accept this on behalf of everyone who has ever fallen out of a plane
23:56 and lived to win her third straight Substitute Teacher of the Year award.
24:01 I am king of the school! Woo!
24:10 [Music]
24:17 [Music]
24:32 [Music]