Retribution - Movie Review
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00:00 Yeah, see this is why it's smart to upload reviews of movies the week they come out.
00:04 Had I done that, I'd have a review for Gran Turismo for you this week.
00:08 As it stands, I'm like, in the words of Barry Burton from the original Resident Evil,
00:13 "What is this?"
00:14 We'll see if the YouTube algorithm gods are pleased with this sacrifice of my sanity.
00:19 So Retro- it's called Retribution, right?
00:26 Good news, it is in fact Retribution.
00:29 It's a film in which-
00:29 It's a film starring Liam Neeson in which he gets in the car,
00:33 he's driving his kids to school,
00:35 and then some bomber calls a cell phone that's in his car and is like,
00:38 "There is a bomb under your seat."
00:40 And yeah, he has to drive around, do these tasks for this bomber.
00:43 If he gets out of the car, there's a pressure plate, the bomb will blow up.
00:46 If he doesn't do what he says, the bomb will blow up.
00:48 It's pretty much the movie Phone Booth on wheels, or a more claustrophobic version of Speed,
00:53 though it doesn't matter if he goes above or below 50,
00:56 that's not the reason the bomb might blow up.
00:58 So I guess it's just called Speed Limit?
01:00 You can already tell I'm bitter and grumpy about this movie,
01:02 so I'm not even gonna save face.
01:03 Let's just do it.
01:04 Traditions are traditions.
01:05 I don't even know when this became a tradition, but it is to me.
01:09 Is it me or do my thoughts get more concise the more I drink scotch on camera?
01:13 If not, well, give me this one delusion.
01:15 All right, first of all, Liam Neeson's weirdly cast in this movie.
01:18 You see Liam Neeson, you're like, "Okay, he's gonna get on the phone with the guy,
01:21 he's gonna be like, 'I have a particular set of skills.'"
01:22 No, it just feels like he's like,
01:23 "They haven't told me if I'm in Obi-Wan season two yet.
01:26 I need this job."
01:27 But he plays a Wall Street dad,
01:29 and early on you're supposed to get the feeling that this guy's a bullshit artist,
01:32 and someone who's causing all these problems in his life is really pissed at him,
01:37 and he might have skeletons in the closet.
01:38 More of a trickle that you're supposed to experience
01:41 because you already get the vibe from this guy.
01:44 That's why Colin Farrell in Phone Booth was perfect.
01:46 You know this guy's a sleazebag, you know he has skeletons in the closet.
01:49 Pop the popcorn, we wait with bated breath.
01:52 Man, I just started right in.
01:53 Let's talk about the positives first.
01:54 Positives are...
01:55 Sometimes the movie reminded me of another movie that it pulled from that did it better.
02:09 In a weird roundabout way, thinking of a better movie while watching a bad movie
02:13 can be construed as a positive by your brain.
02:17 The script in this movie, well, it was kind of funny.
02:21 Unintentionally so.
02:22 This dude, a couple rows behind me, it was an empty theater.
02:24 It was me, him, I think a family way up there.
02:28 This dude was just laughing.
02:31 Bless him.
02:31 Example, there's a scene where he's trying to get in touch with his wife.
02:34 People in this office are giving him the stonewall,
02:36 so he has to be like, "I need to talk to my wife.
02:38 The kids are in danger."
02:39 So the wife gets on the phone like, "Hey, how are the kids?
02:42 What's wrong?"
02:42 And he was like, "Kids are fine.
02:43 I just had to get you on the phone.
02:45 We're in a car with a bomb."
02:46 It's an odd way of saying the kids are fine.
02:49 I feel like the phrase is either the kids are fine
02:52 or they're in a car with a bomb.
02:54 What's your definition of fine there, Dad of the Year?
02:57 I suppose it's a little thing, but there are so many little things in here.
03:01 In a world where devil's in the details,
03:03 there's so many moments where I was like,
03:04 I...
03:06 It's hard to talk about because a lot of the bullshit in the movie
03:11 is wrapped into spoilers.
03:12 I've seen that a lot in movies.
03:14 You can almost feel the screenwriters being like,
03:16 "But if we have a lot of the contradictions and the bullshit
03:20 wrapped into spoilers,
03:21 and people who review the movie can't talk about that."
03:24 Boom.
03:26 That's a thing though.
03:27 Here I am.
03:28 Scotch in hand.
03:28 I don't give a fuck.
03:31 So I'm going to talk about it.
03:32 Spoiler alert.
03:33 I know we're kind of breaking protocol, but don't care.
03:36 I'm telling you, I've seen the movie.
03:37 It's not worth caring about.
03:38 "What's the over/under?
03:39 Blue Beetle makes more than this movie this weekend."
03:42 Right, exactly.
03:42 It doesn't matter.
03:43 I'm not going to tell you everything.
03:44 I'm not going to tell you the big scheme,
03:46 the big plan, the who, the why.
03:48 You know what you need to know.
03:49 The movie's not good.
03:50 You should skip it entirely.
03:51 Great. All right.
03:52 Let's have a little fun here in talking about some of the bullshit
03:55 that's kind of wrapped into spoilers.
03:56 There's a scene where he's at a dead stop.
03:58 All the police have surrounded him.
04:00 This is actually the scene the movie got far more interesting.
04:04 It is a subject of much interest when thinking about the film
04:08 as much as I'm going to pre-review.
04:12 After this review, I'm never thinking about the movie again.
04:14 But when thinking about the film before I go on camera,
04:16 I'm like, "Yeah, this was the most interesting part of the movie."
04:20 It's when the car stopped moving and he's talking with the cops
04:23 and the cops are like, "Yeah, this cop lady is like, 'I don't believe you.'"
04:26 He's like, "There's a bomb under my seat."
04:28 She's like, "That's very quantifiable.
04:29 You is there?"
04:30 "I still think you're the one doing it, sir."
04:34 Who's clearly doing this under duress.
04:37 And he's like, "He's been calling me from this phone."
04:39 She's like, "That's the phone?"
04:40 He's like, "Yes."
04:41 I don't know why my--
04:42 That's my Liam Neeson voice.
04:43 This is as good as I get.
04:44 I don't know.
04:45 This is the phone.
04:46 Here, take this phone, go elsewhere.
04:48 He might call you on it, then you'll know.
04:50 Or you can just triangulate the position of whatever phone--
04:53 There are a hundred things you could do with this phone if I just give it to you.
04:57 I'll stay down here where there's no cell phone signal
04:59 and he can't detonate the bomb.
05:01 The only thing that can detonate the bomb is if I get up.
05:03 And I'll wait.
05:04 It's fine.
05:04 So anyhow, after the cops are like, "Yeah, you're on a pressure plate
05:07 and there's a bomb attached to that."
05:08 "I kind of don't believe you though.
05:09 Why don't you really tell the truth?"
05:11 He hauls ass, he takes off, the cops chase him.
05:15 And it feels like--
05:15 It's like he just goes around a corner and the cops are like, "Where'd he go?
05:20 I don't know.
05:21 He was right here.
05:23 I--"
05:24 Because then he parks and has a 10-minute conversation with the bomber.
05:30 It all just made no sense.
05:32 It's like, "Where are the cops?
05:33 They were just on your ass."
05:35 You have a very recognizable car with no doors at this point.
05:38 Why are they not there right now?
05:40 At a point, the car tips on its side, still doesn't blow up.
05:43 The car in which he's sitting on a pressure plate is on its side
05:47 in which he is not applying the correct amount of pressure to keep that bomb from going off.
05:53 Still hasn't gone off.
05:54 You ever weigh yourself on a scale sideways?
05:57 Doesn't really work.
05:58 Then he falls in a river.
05:58 The car does finally blow up.
06:00 And the cop who was suspecting him the whole time is like, "The car blew up and he's safe in the river."
06:06 In fact, that's the fishiest thing I've seen from this suspect yet.
06:09 I should be like, "That's definitely our guy."
06:11 But I think I believe him now.
06:13 Not of approval to end credits.
06:16 That's where the movie ends.
06:17 Definitely what we used to call MOW, Movie of the Week.
06:21 The movie's just boring.
06:22 It's as simple as that.
06:23 But if the shoe fits, actually, this is important.
06:28 Man, you ever hear a phrase in a totally otherwise terrible script
06:32 that just kind of weirdly blows your mind?
06:34 It shouldn't, but it does.
06:36 There's a line in this movie where someone says,
06:38 "In Cinderella, if the slipper fits so perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
06:41 I was like...
06:42 Um...
06:48 Oh...
06:51 I don't know.
06:52 I don't know.
06:54 But I'm gonna think about that.
06:56 That was kind of a rabbit hole back to the point that got me on that tangent.
07:00 If the shoe fits, then the shoe of retribution fits to be.
07:04 Dog shit.
07:05 All right, so Barbie, have you seen it?
07:07 What did you think about it?
07:08 Just playing the odds, folks.
07:09 Who are we kidding?
07:10 Or retribution or any made-for-TV movie that got a theatrical release.
07:14 Have you seen it?
07:15 What did you think about it?
07:16 Whatever you thought, comment below, let me know.
07:17 And as always, if you like what you've seen here and you want to see more,
07:19 click right here to see more.
07:21 [Music]