The comedian and host of the 'Absolutely Not' podcast self-produced her debut hour, shot at the Lexington Opera House, before selling it to the streamer.
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00:00 Heather McMaster!
00:01 You can't even, as a woman these days,
00:07 be honest about how you feel about yourself, right?
00:10 We have all gotten to that point
00:12 where we have hit our emergency weight.
00:14 For those of y'all who don't know what emergency weight is,
00:17 you're naturally thin and everyone fucking hates you.
00:20 (audience laughing)
00:22 I wanna paint a picture
00:23 of what baby Heather looked like, okay?
00:25 I'd always wear my dad hand-me-down golf shirt,
00:28 just like tucked into the front.
00:30 I'd wear a sensible Velcro sandal
00:31 in case I had to like take off after my mom at Costco.
00:34 I really solidified the look
00:37 when I went to Great Clips one summer
00:39 and I saw my stylish Trish and I just go,
00:41 "Trish, I want you to get out the buzzers
00:43 "and hit the nape of my neck."
00:45 (audience laughing)
00:49 I wanna feel that sweet Georgia heat
00:51 just running down my spine.
00:53 I love a wide vagina joke, you know what I mean?
00:56 'Cause at the end of the day,
00:58 you can't really have a wide vagina,
01:01 but you can have a tiny dick.
01:04 (audience cheering)
01:08 Not you, sir.
01:09 You got a big dick, you got a big dick,
01:11 you got a big dick.
01:12 Only big dicks in my audience.
01:14 (audience cheering)
01:17 (audience cheering)