Why I'm Not Afraid of my Shadow - how I cope with the density -TW
Why I'm Not Afraid of my Shadow - how I cope with the density -TW
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00:00 off my feet and make my world unstable again, like the ground beneath me would suddenly become shaky.
00:07 But these past years something has really shifted. I have witnessed myself in full
00:13 remembrance of who I am even in moments of deep despair. I have felt utterly heartbroken,
00:19 yet happy to be having the human experience I came here for. I have held several truths at once
00:25 and zoomed out of my own suffering enough to create consistent space around my responses.
00:30 I revisited a place where I tried to end my life several times and I wasn't afraid because I'm
00:37 showing up so differently now. The short version of this video is I don't mind the weight of my
00:43 feelings anymore because I don't allow them to dictate how I treat myself, which then disempowers
00:49 them from showing up at my door so frequently. If you choose to love yourself and see yourself
00:55 accurately even in your darkest hour, what power does the darkness really have?
01:00 P.S. It's possible to be done with your self-sabotage, to declare you're leaving the
01:07 past version of yourself behind with immense conviction, yet still spiral back into that old
01:13 place the very next day. Showing up differently takes time, takes years, but being present for
01:19 each of those moments with grace will hold you through it. Every time you pick yourself back up
01:24 again, you're learning something that your future self will carry instinctively. Okay,
01:30 let's get right into it. I know that the main things that ailed me and prevented me from living
01:40 life as a more normal human being outside of just coping with my existence every day were feelings
01:47 of deep depression, feelings of anxiety, social anxiety, worthlessness, shame, and guilt. Those
01:53 were kind of like the main things that have plagued me for a lot of my life. I initially
01:58 thought like you just experience it once and then you gain these tools and then you never have to
02:03 deal with it again, but it really is an ongoing practice and relationship and so I just wanted to
02:08 go through all of those main things that plagued me and how I confront them now. And I wanted to
02:13 start off with depression. It for me manifests as a feeling of deep hopelessness, like I could just
02:19 sleep in bed all day and I don't care about time passing or disappearing. If it's been more than
02:27 four hours and I feel that deep, deep sense of despair, I tell someone because otherwise I will
02:33 allow myself to fade into oblivion. So first thing I do is reach out to a friend, even if it's just a
02:39 text like, "Hey, I'm feeling really depressed. I'm really in it right now," and asking them for what
02:45 you might need as support, whether that's seeing them face to face or just checking in on you in a
02:51 few days or making a plan for the future so that you aren't wallowing for too long. It makes it
02:57 harder to believe the negative stories that you're writing for yourself about yourself or about life,
03:02 and I usually don't want to. I don't want to see people when I don't feel good about myself, when
03:07 my energy is down, when I just want to lay in bed. And so I will also communicate in those times like,
03:12 "I'm feeling super blue, but I'm trying not to isolate. Would you be down to do some really
03:16 chill activities?" Even if you don't even talk, but you co-work together or watch a movie together,
03:21 that is something that has really helped me. It's like just allowing yourself to be met where
03:26 you're at, and it gives you a lot of time to confront that fear and realize, "Oh, you're still
03:32 loved, you're still valued, you're still helpful and worthy even when you feel this way." And that
03:37 was a really big game changer for me, thinking that I always had to be like the happiest, brightest,
03:43 fullest version of myself to be loved, and that is not the case. But more importantly, long term
03:49 is figuring out and making a map of what makes you feel depressed, what circumstances, what areas of
03:55 your reality, and taking steps to change those things. If they are repeatedly coming up, finding
04:00 a way to hold yourself accountable to do something that feels good consistently for a long period of
04:05 time. Starting a new class at the YMCA or Joanne's Fabrics had crafting classes the last time I was
04:12 there, and they're really cute. You can learn how to sew or knit with other crafty, quirky people,
04:18 and everyone in Joanne's Fabrics is a really interesting person, I just have to say that.
04:22 But finding somewhere that you can show up that brings you joy and helps you feel
04:28 joy in your body is a good long term addition to coping with depression. And it's more than
04:33 just a coping method, it's like, even when you're feeling good, you should show up and do it and
04:38 fill your body with even just a pocket of stability in your day to day. And I've spent a
04:44 lot of time doing therapy, talking about my feelings, but at a certain point, your body
04:50 just wants to release all of that muckiness too. I like to do pranayama, I like to do yoga,
04:55 I like to dance and do things to move the energy through and not just sit in the heaviness of what
05:01 I'm feeling. So any form of movement could be really beneficial to you and maybe the appropriate
05:07 response if you've been going to therapy and you feel like you're hitting a wall, add some somatic
05:12 practices, do some self pleasure, go to an ecstatic dance, implementing some pocket of light into your
05:19 life. There was a point where I realized that my mental health was more important than any career
05:25 path or job path that I was considering taking. Even when I dropped out of college, that was such
05:31 a big area of shame and fear for me because I felt like I was letting my whole family down. I had
05:37 moved across the country and it was this whole big deal for me to then drop out and have to start
05:42 from square one. But I kept putting my mental health on the wayside and it just got worse and
05:49 worse to the point where I had like over five life, I'm just going to say it, suicide attempts
05:54 in the first month that I had left. And I just realized that I needed to put my mental health
06:01 first. When I hit that huge rock bottom when I was 17, I just realized I could not keep avoiding
06:07 and putting band-aids on this big wound that was like all of my childhood trauma and all the
06:14 reasons that I hated myself. And I needed to deal with that first. I needed to deal with my internal
06:19 experience and I found ways to make it work. Even just working a really shitty retail job was enough
06:25 to keep me afloat for that period of time. And it was a way that I met myself where I was at
06:30 because going to school, having to show up for classes, having to do homework, having to fully
06:34 understand and socialize and learn can be really challenging. But for me at the time, just going
06:41 into work and being able to mind my business and make enough to survive was an adequate buffer for
06:47 me to kind of be able to breathe a little bit deeper without having tons of anxiety all the
06:53 time. At a certain point, I definitely realized that I needed to prioritize my mental health over
06:58 everything, even if that looked like dropping out of college and being a failure to my family
07:03 and feeling embarrassed about it. I am so happy that I made that choice. And had I stayed in
07:08 college, I may not have made it to this very moment. So just please integrate what you're feeling
07:14 and identify the ways that you can show up differently. If dropping out of college is not
07:18 a choice for you, find a way to make it a little bit more easeful. Take one or two less classes or
07:24 like I said, implement something that feels good. Try a different routine, get a therapist, do a
07:29 somatic practice, see how that feels. But be proactive. Don't let it continue falling to the
07:35 wayside. And I think that's one of the biggest tips for me responding to any of my feelings is
07:40 rather than bypassing them or pretending to be happy, I take them seriously. I know how quickly
07:45 I can spiral into the worst places. And so I take my anxiety and depression seriously when I feel
07:52 it. I act on that, not necessarily panicking, but knowing how to respond and knowing how important
07:58 it is that we actually address what's going on inside. I struggled with manic depression for a
08:03 very long time. So I would feel deep depression and hopelessness. And then I would feel the
08:08 complete opposite of that, like on top of the world. I couldn't even imagine or remember why
08:13 I was so depressed. And Glennon Doyle taught me this to write a letter to yourself from your
08:17 depressed state so that you can like document this is what it feels like when I'm depressed.
08:21 I hate everything. I don't remember the last time I feel joy. Everything feels impossible and
08:27 pointless. Okay. And then when you're in your really happy state, also writing a letter to
08:32 yourself, like I believe that love lies everywhere. All I want to do is dance, sing and express
08:38 myself. I wake up and I feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world and having both of those so
08:43 that you can remember when you are really sad, that you are capable of feeling joyful in every
08:49 cell of your being. And when you're really happy, you know, to continue to show up for those feel
08:53 good practices, because it can also get to that deep down place. Overall, how I deal with this
09:01 existence and the constant changes is being in a space of loving awareness of neutrality and
09:09 pretty much unconditional acceptance, whatever is rising or falling, I decide to take the backseat
09:14 and completely surrender. And it really is a state of being a state of awareness that you can tap
09:21 into where you're literally not attached to any positive or negative outcome you believe so deeply
09:28 in what is possible for you and the good of life and humanity. And yet you're not attached to any
09:33 of it, not needing to get so concerned about everything all the time. And the biggest way
09:38 this has impacted my mental health is that even when I am really sad, even when I am really
09:43 depressed or questioning, I am not reacting to those feelings really intensely. I'm like, oh,
09:49 yeah, there's that feeling that's going to change within a few hours or a few days. And it's such a
09:55 big difference, like to how I used to respond to be in the moment of complete and utter despair and
10:01 know that it is going to shift and that you can trust that joy is going to come again, make such
10:06 a big difference. And even with weird interactions I have with people, or if I overate and don't feel
10:13 good in my body, or if something that I really wanted didn't come true, all of these random
10:19 different scenarios, I know how to completely let them go quickly alchemizing every little thing,
10:24 there's no room to rest in doubt or fear because I trust so deeply that everything's going to be
10:30 okay and that it is not personal. The things that happen to me, if I have a weird exchange
10:35 with someone, they're just not my people, the chemistry is off, it's not a personal attack on
10:40 me. And there's nothing wrong in the moment, even if things are really shitty and don't feel good.
10:46 It's like I'm not really wrapped up in it. And I'm able to more quickly rewrite my experience
10:52 in each now moment to be what I want and to be more of what I actually believe in for my life
10:57 and practice my belief system in the moment when everything is going to shit and be like, "Oh yeah,
11:02 don't I believe that every feeling is a teacher? Don't I believe that everything's going to be
11:08 okay?" I do, so I'm going to act upon that. I'm here to have an experience and I'm here to learn
11:13 and nothing was guaranteed to me anyway. The only thing that I can really be sure of is how I'm
11:18 going to show up and respond to life. And so I don't mind if I'm devastated. I don't mind if my
11:23 greatest dreams come true. Either way, the whole step of the journey, I'm excited to be here at
11:28 all. And it makes all of life feel so fun just choosing a state of loving awareness so that no
11:34 matter what happens, I am neutralizing every happening and every occurrence. And it feels
11:40 like ultimate freedom to me. And I will continue moving through life with this as I continue being
11:46 devastated and let down and completely brought up and amazed and shocked by life. I'm not going to
11:52 attach to my joy so fully or avert from my pain so fully. And I seriously think that my version
12:00 of freedom and liberation is being able to remember God in every single moment, no matter
12:07 what is rising or falling, being in that stable witnessing place. Even rewriting fear in the
12:13 moment can be a way to stay curious about change and showing up differently. Like, wow, I wonder
12:19 why this is here for me today. I wonder why this is showing up for me today and what lessons I have
12:23 to learn from this or even I'm being shown that I need more resources to respond to fear. How can I
12:29 do that? I'm open to receiving practices and resources to calm my nervous system when I feel
12:35 afraid. And I wanted to move into anxiety because this is really debilitating and probably like the
12:43 louder mental illness experience that I had. Anxiety to me mostly manifests in my heart and in
12:51 my mind. A lot of overthinking, a lot of feelings of unworthiness, racing, racing heart, inability
12:59 to speak and inability to be seen. I don't want to be seen. I want to hide myself when I feel
13:05 anxious and everything that I do, I'm wronging it. No matter what, even if it's like a neutral thing,
13:10 I'm basically shit talking and canceling myself in every moment. So that's anxiety for me. Another
13:16 thing that makes me want to isolate and what I do when I feel really anxious is immediately do an
13:22 act of love for myself. So my go-to is usually to cook a really healthy nourishing meal for myself
13:28 because when I used to be anxious, I would binge eat. It's a ritual for me and I may not even eat
13:34 it in that moment, but just cooking myself something that feels really good and that isn't
13:39 a punishment to my body is enough to remind me that I'm not doing that anymore, that I'm not in
13:46 that deep, heavy self-sabotaging place anymore. So that is just something that works for me. I
13:52 actually don't really eat when I'm anxious because I immediately get bloated, but after I've cooked,
13:57 obviously if I'm hungry, I will take some deep breaths, be intentional, say some prayers and do
14:04 a little bit of pranayama. So this is pretty much my go-to for calming anxiety in my body,
14:09 in my nervous system while I am cooking or cleaning, whatever my act of love is. Maybe I'm
14:15 going for a walk. I also do the simple breath work of inhaling for four counts and exhaling for eight.
14:22 I've mentioned this so many times, but it seriously ended my anxiety. Extending your exhale longer
14:27 than your inhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system. So singing can also do this as
14:33 well and I highly recommend the moment that you start to feel anxious, maybe sighing like,
14:38 shaking your body, sighing, making a noise out loud. I also like to break down the
14:46 mantra. So just chanting, feeling the energy releasing from my chest,
14:54 using the entirety of my exhale with the ah, and then going oh, and feeling the energy clear from
15:02 my throat, feeling blockage being released, using the full extent of my exhale. And then I say,
15:09 and feel my thoughts start to clear, feel my crown being purified. And I will do that for
15:18 eight rounds and maybe that takes like a couple minutes and it is so relaxing and healing.
15:24 And I just highly recommend that for the physiological calming of anxiety and to get
15:30 you out of a state of fight or flight, that might be your first initial response is to do that. Just
15:36 extend your exhale and do that while you are perhaps cleaning your room or getting something
15:45 else done that feels really good. That's just my thing is that when I have anxiety, I have a lot of
15:50 like erratic energy. And so if I'm cleaning my space, I can feel mentally like I'm clearing space
15:56 inside of myself. If I'm cooking, it feels like I'm moving this energy somewhere useful. It's such
16:02 a physical experience for me that I need to kind of release the intense energy of it. Also, if I
16:08 have been anxious repeatedly for a few days, once again, I will look at the information of my life
16:14 and the situations that have brought me to that place and try to shift them. If it's a certain
16:20 person that I'm avoiding a confrontation that I don't want to have. If it's a meeting that I'm
16:25 really nervous about, I really try to sit in those scenarios and be like, what's the worst thing that
16:32 can happen? You will survive that. What's the best thing that can happen and get excited for it?
16:37 Anxiety can be for me thinking of the future. So I really try to go into every one of those scenarios
16:44 and remind myself that it's going to be okay, literally no matter what happens in my life,
16:50 and that I do have incredible will and faith to get through any situation. And also, if there is
16:56 someone that I don't really want to talk to, or something that I feel shame about, I just really
17:03 forgive myself. And I remember that I don't need to force anything, identifying what thought pattern
17:08 and what story is unfolding in your head and doing something to clear that illusion, whether it's
17:15 communicating with a person or affirming yourself in that everything is going to be okay. And having
17:22 backup plans for things is something that really helps me. I feel so confident in myself when I'm
17:28 feeling anxious and I leave the house and I decide to trust. And no matter how the day goes, even if
17:33 I do have awkward or weird exchanges, I'm so proud of myself for even trying. And that's the point
17:38 that I've gotten to now where my anxiety doesn't inhibit me from doing absolutely anything. It just
17:44 feels like a little inconvenience. It just feels like a little bit of discomfort at this point
17:49 because of the breathing that I'm doing and that I'm still believing that I'm capable of everything.
17:55 And so it doesn't have to be as intense as it once was. Even just responding to myself and my deep
18:02 fears with love is a huge paradigm shift for me because when I used to feel anxious, I would self
18:09 harm. For the most part, my initial response to anxiety is to get out of my head if I can't
18:15 anchor in a positive story and just get into my body, get into my breath, try not to indulge or
18:21 believe anything that's going on in here. Basically when I'm sad now and I hear my mind trying to tell
18:27 me how my life is going to pan out and how awful, unworthy, incapable I am and my dreams are, I don't
18:35 believe it. I'm like, "Oh, this isn't the time for manifesting. This isn't the time for creating
18:39 stories or fantasizing about life. I'm not buying any of this." And I completely don't indulge those
18:48 thoughts. It is really, really helpful. And I only create and cast those dreams and daydream when I'm
18:55 feeling good in my body because that is a truer story for me. That is when love is speaking to
19:01 me more clearly. So highly recommend that to witness everything that you're feeling and not
19:06 indulge it. It's okay that it's rising, so you don't have to damn yourself, but do not indulge
19:12 them. Don't ask, "Well, why am I unworthy?" And list all the reasons that you are. Just be like,
19:17 "Oh, I see you unworthiness. I'm going to treat myself differently now." All of your feelings
19:22 are valid and welcome. Whatever is naturally rising for you is valid because you're feeling
19:27 it in your body and that's that. It's the natural phenomena that's occurring as Ram Dass says. And
19:33 so just know that there are reasons that you're battling these intense emotions and that... I mean,
19:40 it might sound corny, but I think you're a warrior. We are all battling these thought patterns in our
19:45 heads and healing from our trauma. And no one is going to know how hard it is to just get up every
19:52 single day and brush your teeth and go out into the world like you. No one's going to know what
19:57 a struggle it's been just to have the courage to go to a grocery store or go out to eat at a
20:01 restaurant alone. So please affirm yourself that you've been through so much and the fact that you
20:06 are even having one less anxiety attack a week is something to celebrate and is something to be proud
20:12 of yourself for. And there's no reason to feel like there's something wrong with you because you
20:16 are battling depression or anxiety. And I'm going to cry because this is a conversation that I have
20:22 with myself a lot is like, "It's okay that you're feeling this and that you're battling this and you
20:26 are actually carrying the stories of your past and your life really well." Not everyone can carry
20:32 these stories and this weight so gracefully. So don't be hard on yourself for feeling these ways.
20:38 Just know that you're right on purpose and every single moment is a new opportunity to begin again
20:45 and to show up differently. Another thing that would cause me a lot of contention in my life
20:51 is family relations, feeling a lot of guilt. I took so many years away from my family because
20:58 my depression was telling me that everyone sort of disapproved of me, especially after dropping
21:03 out of college. I felt like such a disappointment and I couldn't take the comments. I could not
21:08 alchemize those. I would just have anxiety attacks all the time in front of my family and have to run
21:13 to the bathroom to cry and break down and it was so heavy and I'm really happy that I took time
21:20 away from them. And if you need to do that to stabilize yourself right now, I recommend it.
21:25 I feel like everyone at some point has to do that, is take a little bit of time and space away from
21:30 their family. Now I'm going back more frequently and the relationship is so much better. Forgiveness
21:35 is such a big part of the healing journey. There's not one person who's going to get everything right
21:41 in your life. There's not one person who's going to know exactly how to love you and do it perfectly
21:45 every time. It's something that we get to teach each other and grow through side by side and
21:51 especially with parents and family. It really is hard to expect that suddenly they'll change because
21:56 you change as a person and you don't like their behavior. And having the courage to vocalize
22:02 little things, so vocalize how you feel most loved, vocalize the comments that are not helpful or
22:08 useful, comments about weight and appearance are really unwelcome. For example, is something that
22:15 you could maybe say? Overall, trying to see the nuances of your family's background and experience
22:21 and inquiring further, what was your childhood like? What happened to you? And whenever I speak
22:27 about compassion and forgiveness, I feel like a lot of people think that I'm taking too much
22:32 responsibility to help my parents heal or like overcompensate for them. A few videos ago when
22:38 I was interviewing my dad, someone commented how I was still doing all the emotional labor of like
22:43 asking my dad what his childhood was like and seeing if he's okay rather than having him ask
22:49 me those questions, which is obviously something that I would enjoy. I'm okay with our relationship
22:55 being how it is, even if I'm the one who's always wanting to dive deep and heal things and clear the
23:01 past. I know that if I held an expectation that he would never meet, I would just never be happy.
23:07 I would never want to see my dad and it just wouldn't work. And I can't expect a version of
23:13 him that he's never been. I can't expect love from him that he's never experienced himself.
23:19 We are so lucky to have this safety and this, even the language that we speak with as like
23:27 Gen Z millennial people at this point is so kind and so aware. And that is a blessing that this can
23:35 be our baseline that we know deep intimacy and deep love and that we expect it from our parents
23:41 sometimes feels like a little bit unfair because they don't know this kind of love. They don't know
23:47 this kind of intimacy. I think that a lot of them were brought up in a rougher world and this is
23:51 just my two cents. I always welcome you to have your own thoughts and feelings about things, but
23:59 for me, because I feel really anchored within my own state of love and my friends that feel like
24:04 my family, I am completely unattached to my mom or dad ever affirming me or saying anything to make
24:12 me feel better about myself or my life. I'm just like, I'm good on that. I have people who love me
24:17 the way that I want to. And in regards to my relatives, I think we're just here to teach each
24:22 other and help each other to grow. I think we were intentionally placed in this family unit to help
24:28 each other evolve. And if I can take the role of being a space holder or being just someone who
24:36 anchors in compassion and clears story lines, then I'm going to do it because expecting them
24:43 to be different than who they are just feels like a lot of disappointment. And I don't need them to
24:47 be different. Honestly, they've taught me so much just being who they are. And now I just want to
24:53 show them love. And it really fills my heart when I go home and I can cook really healthy, nourishing
24:59 meals. And I essentially mother my family and relatives and I show them the love that I know
25:05 and that I've cultivated. That feels so good and so fulfilling. And it's enough for me just acting
25:11 in love is enough to fulfill me and I don't actually need them to change. But I remember when
25:17 I was going to therapy, my therapist wanted me to be so angry at my parents and at these different
25:22 characters and figures. And I was like, I'm just not like, I know that anger is valid. And I do
25:29 have moments of feeling like this was wrong and bad. And I was a victim of certain situations,
25:34 but I don't condemn them. I think that's really what it is, is like anger is valid.
25:40 Accountability is valid and important, but I don't feel the need to condemn them. Even just
25:45 if I never talk to certain people again, doesn't mean that I don't forgive them, that I don't see
25:50 and love them. It just means that they're not going to add to my life. It's not serving where
25:56 I'm going. There's not an energetic match there, but I can still forgive and have compassion and
26:01 love. So I'm not saying this to completely take on the emotional burden of everything
26:05 that has happened to you and put yourself in unsafe situations. Just know that like
26:10 forgiveness can happen even if it's not communicated. And even if you're not seeing
26:14 that person, it's more of just releasing the expectation that they will show up as different
26:19 people. Of course, inviting that, welcoming different conversations and communicating
26:25 what you need, what feels good and what may have not felt good in the past. But being really honest
26:30 with how your feedback is normally received, how they normally react to you and how that makes you
26:36 feel and just really taking all that information and doing something useful for it, whether that
26:41 is creating space, whether that is communicating or just biting your tongue and releasing any
26:47 expectation that they will change. It is such a delicate dance and a lot of us, it feels kind of
26:53 inevitable that there are some aspects of our familiar relationships that we are just sort of
27:00 putting up with or we are taking on a little bit extra emotional burden to allow ourselves to be
27:07 around them. And I don't know if there's a way around that when you want to make a relationship
27:11 work and you're trying to change and accommodate, but the other person can't. It's just really up
27:16 to you if you have the energy to do that or not. And I feel like I have the energy, so I'm doing it.
27:20 Also learning really helpful ways to communicate things that aren't judgy and attacking,
27:27 like communicating things from a really neutral and nuanced space with your family. And communication
27:33 was a part of my forgiveness, at least with my dad. I went to visit him one time where I did
27:39 vocalize everything that happened to me when I was younger that he didn't know happened to me,
27:43 ways that I was hurt or assaulted. And it was really emotional. I started off the conversation
27:52 kind of telling him why I even wanted to share these heavy things with him. And I was like,
27:57 you know, I've struggled with sadness for a lot of years and it took me a long time to realize that
28:02 the things that I was going through caused me to feel really depressed and unworthy. And I never
28:08 really shared with you what happened to me. And I just wanted you to know some of my experience so
28:14 that you can understand what I've been carrying. And I'm not angry at you. I'm not upset with you,
28:22 because that's how I genuinely felt. If I was angry or upset, I probably would have said,
28:26 "I feel hurt that I was put in a position where this could happen to me."
28:30 I would love to know what was going on in your perspective. That's something that I might invite.
28:35 But I was like, I'm not angry or upset. I just wanted to be witnessed in this with you. And I
28:41 wanted you to know my experience. Trying to both be the objective witness to it, because I think
28:47 that just gets you to the answers more quickly. And it's not like pretending that everything is
28:53 okay, but just trying to keep a level ground enough so that there's safety on both ends.
29:00 And my mom, for example, is losing her memory. And so I haven't been able to communicate any of
29:08 this with her, but I've been able to forgive her without words, just in my own awareness of what
29:13 she has been through. And there was a point where I tried to talk to her about things. I did sex
29:19 work when I was underage because I needed to pay my rent. And I felt really resentful of her because
29:25 I was put in that position. And I remember I was selling my laptop to pay my rent that month,
29:29 and she ripped the laptop out of my hand, started yelling at me. And I told her, like, I've done
29:33 much worse than this. And I don't know if she fully understood that. But then we got into this
29:38 argument, and I was yelling and crying. And she just could not see it. She just could not understand
29:45 why I had any reason to be upset. And it was so invalidating. And I just like ran to the bathroom
29:51 and started crying like I did my whole childhood. We had many conversations throughout the years
29:55 that were like that. And I eventually started to realize like how much guilt she was carrying
30:01 around things. And I've seen through the cracks of my mom into her deep grief. And I think that
30:09 I've also been able to forgive her because I don't need her anymore, in a way. Like I'm not
30:13 relying on her for any, any need of mine. That just makes it easier. I think that's probably
30:19 why I've been able to forgive all of my family, because I don't consistently need something that
30:25 I'm being disappointed by, or I'm not having any expectations for them that aren't being fulfilled.
30:30 It's just kind of like, I can have you in my life in this way that feels good with a lot of space,
30:36 but I'm completely self-sufficient. And that's not available for everyone. And I think that's
30:40 why forgiveness can be hard. That was heavy. This whole video needs a little bit of a trigger
30:44 warning. But anyway, just working on your relationship with your family in general
30:48 could be very beneficial to your mental health. It has been for me. And I'm really seeing the
30:54 importance of forgiveness more and more as I get older, as my family gets older, and you run out
31:01 of time to say things that are important or start conversations that are important. And I think just
31:05 understanding, seeking to understand is a great way to begin to forgive. Hopefully you have willing
31:11 participants in your family to answer your questions that you have. Yeah, I'm just going to
31:16 close that up there. So I made a list of non-negotiables of what I need to feel safe. This
31:20 is what I seek in any place that I'm moving to, or in any point in my life when I'm rooting myself
31:27 down. I know these are like my subconscious needs. It's good to know what your needs are to thrive
31:33 in a place. Please, if you're watching this video, just write these things down, write your coping
31:37 methods, write your needs, write how you feel like you can respond to your family. Just having it in
31:42 a cohesive way is really helpful if it's not a built-in program yet. But what I need to feel safe
31:49 and these are non-negotiables for me, a stable home where I can work well. I need a sanctuary
31:54 that I can be myself in, that I can film in and get my work done because that makes me feel stable
31:59 and secure. I need access to nature. Even in New York, I felt pretty good about it because I could
32:04 always take the train to Hudson or just get out of the city for a little bit. I need friends who are
32:10 mature and secure in themselves. I will not indulge connections where I'm guessing someone's intentions
32:17 or if they actually care about me or if they're shit-talking me. That is not allowed on my island
32:22 of love. So just secure, mature people who I feel really safe with and I can have all of my walls
32:30 down with. I need a stable routine, a satna, daily discipline in my spiritual practice. I need healthy
32:38 diet options. Now, every time that I travel, if I'm staying at a place for a week or a few weeks,
32:43 the first thing I do is go to the farmer's market or go to the grocery store and fill the fridge
32:47 with food that makes me feel good. Cooking and nourishing myself well is just a big part of my
32:52 self-care. So that's a non-negotiable. Good food, good water. Space to practice, space to do yoga,
32:59 space to do my little dance workouts. Even at my grandma's house, I go to her basement. The reason
33:04 I'm listing these things is because you can take them with you in other places and establish them
33:09 in other places. When I go to my grandma's house, I also go to Trader Joe's the first day I arrive
33:14 and get tons of veggies and things that I can eat. And there's a park next to her house that I always
33:19 walk in and this is how I anchor home anywhere that I am. And then a safe space to share my
33:25 feelings in general. So I make sure to keep up with my friends and send voice messages. I have
33:30 like three people that we just consistently send voice memos back and forth to each other
33:35 through all time and space. It's like a little safe void portal for us to shoot our feelings into.
33:42 So those are my non-negotiable things that make me feel home and safe wherever I am.
33:47 And as far as my daily practice, it's gotten simpler and simpler and pretty much any doorway
33:55 I can enter through that reminds me of who I really am and what I'm really here for and that
34:00 I am safe and that love is inherent. That is my practice. So sometimes it's an art practice,
34:06 sometimes it's movement, usually it's yoga. And every single day I do meditate. I really love
34:12 meditation, just sitting quietly with myself. It instantly soothes me because I'm calming my mind
34:21 and I'm usually really tired of my mind at some point in my day. I'm just like, I need to shut
34:25 this shit off. So I sit down. Basically it's discipline, but it's not rigid. It's a disciplined
34:32 practice of showing up, but what I'm showing up for can change and feel easeful and natural in my
34:38 body and not like I'm forcing it. So that's been a really big change for me is that it's many
34:45 different things. And as long as I'm showing up in some form every day, I feel really good about it.
34:50 And lastly, I really quickly wanted to mention financial stability because not worrying about
34:55 when you're going to get your next meal or if you can pay your rent is such a huge weight off
35:00 of your shoulders. I mean, I think that that was also feeding into my deep feelings of despair for
35:05 so long, just constantly being worried about my bank account and my basic needs being met.
35:11 It's so exhausting and the reality of so many people. And it's a hard one to even speak upon
35:16 because there are so many issues that feed into that being in a capitalist society. And
35:24 the one thing I'll say everywhere that I've moved, I immediately got a job there. I do YouTube now,
35:29 but before that I would just immediately have a stable job where I knew I was going to get a
35:34 paycheck within two weeks. And in between that, I would also sell clothes on Depop and I would do
35:40 other random jobs like modeling things. You can do figure drawing, modeling. You don't have to be a
35:46 certain height or look a certain way for that. If you just want to volunteer at a college or a local
35:51 art school or something, you can even show up and be like, "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm
35:55 available for this." Or I have found modeling jobs on Craigslist, which were a little bit sketchy,
36:00 but the ones that I did, I got paid really well for and it wasn't creepy. I did sculpture modeling
36:05 for this one artist. Even if it's like a random job that I didn't actually want to be doing or
36:09 wasn't my passion, it was enough to make me feel stable and allow me to have energy to do a little
36:15 bit of what I actually wanted until I could transition. And now that I do have a more stable
36:22 income, I also have a Roth IRA, which makes me feel more secure about my future, just building
36:28 compound interest. I don't know if that's even helpful to mention, but I do want to acknowledge
36:33 that not having money and financial stability can feed into really bad mental health and taking
36:39 whatever steps that you need to to find stability, whether that is living at home for a little bit
36:44 or decreasing your expenses or just finding a side hustle that you like or changing something
36:49 in your lifestyle to try and save a little bit of money every single week, like meal planning
36:54 and budgeting, simple things like that that you can integrate to start to build a little bit of
36:59 a savings to feel slightly more held financially. Maybe peace out and woof and volunteer on a farm
37:06 in a different country and gain some trade skills so that you can do a trade that you actually enjoy.
37:12 Or I also think that like woofing and volunteering is a good thing to do when you are in transition.
37:18 So there are so many different options to break free, even from this capitalist society, if you
37:23 want, at least for a little bit. But I wish I had more financial advice. If you're looking for it,
37:28 though, we have the World Wide Web to seek and search. I just didn't want to overlook that
37:34 financial stability can help you feel just stable overall. And it's such a blessing and privilege.
37:40 Yeah, but these are a few of the main things that keep me feeling stable and secure no matter what
37:45 the weather and ready to be anchored within my own plane of love, no matter what shifts or changes.
37:51 So I hope that you got a few takeaways from this. If you have anything that you would add to what I
37:56 just shared, please leave it in the comments below so that we can all learn from one another.
38:01 I appreciate you so deeply. I'm sending you so much love on your journey forth. And I'm really
38:06 grateful to be uncovering and becoming side by side on this earth at this time. It's a really
38:14 special time to be alive as I feel like a lot of us are doing the ancestral healing for our lineage.
38:20 A lot of us are showing up differently. And we have so many resources available to us at this
38:25 point that it's really cool. It feels like anything could happen. Spirituality and healing
38:30 and wellness feels way more accessible than ever with the Internet. So it's cool to be using it for
38:37 good. Thank you so much for rising every single day. I'll see you soon. Bye.