why did anyone let their kids watch Hocus Pocus?
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00:15 You know, it's amazing to me how no one ever mentions
00:17 that stuff from your childhood has not aged well.
00:19 I mean, how has no one ever brought this up?
00:20 Now, I've seen Hocus Pocus maybe 20 times in my life, okay?
00:23 Growing up in the 90s and 2000s, it was on TV like every Halloween.
00:27 Maybe it still is, I don't know, 'cause like, who watches TV anymore?
00:29 But all the same, 29 years after this movie,
00:31 Disney is finally doing Hocus Pocus 2 for some reason.
00:34 So I thought I would go back and check out the 1993 classic kids movie, Hocus Pocus.
00:38 And let me tell you, okay, oh my goodness, I was not prepared for this movie.
00:42 Have any of you watched this movie recently?
00:44 Because it is not at all how my brain remembers it.
00:46 Let me show you what I mean.
00:47 So the movie starts out in 1693.
00:49 We meet a strapping young man who realizes his sister is missing.
00:52 And it may be sort of kind of might have something to do
00:54 with the coven of witch sisters living just down the road.
00:57 And by witches, of course, they mean just like any single woman over 25.
01:00 Anyway, so he goes off to save his sister from the evil spinsters.
01:03 [music]
01:13 "Oh, look.
01:15 Another glorious morning.
01:18 Makes me sick!"
01:19 I mean, this is basically just me when I've been working on these videos
01:22 for like eight days straight and I hit that point where I'm just like,
01:24 "Hey, Alex, you almost done with the video?
01:25 Sure was a nice day outside."
01:27 [gibberish]
01:29 "My darling.
01:31 My little book.
01:33 We must continue with our spell now that our little guest of honor has arrived."
01:37 You know, this girl is really chill about all this, by the way.
01:40 OMG, there's going to be like so many true crime podcasts about me after this.
01:43 Literal dream come true right now.
01:44 Now, long story short, the older brother guy tries to fight off the witches
01:47 and save his sister, but he gets caught in the witches succeeding their spell
01:51 to suck out the life force of the little girl or whatever this is
01:54 and de-age themselves by like 50 years.
01:56 So these are the Sanderson sisters.
01:57 You have Winnie, Mary, and Sarah.
01:59 And I'll tell you right now, okay, Sarah Jessica Parker in this movie,
02:02 it's one of those pivotal spring awakenings for young Alex.
02:04 Like, this is one of those moments when I was like,
02:06 "Oh, yeah, I'm definitely into girls."
02:08 I'm also pretty sure this movie kicked off my whole like
02:10 "disheveled girls with lots of eyeliner are super hot" thing,
02:13 which has definitely done me more harm than good over the years.
02:16 But you know, now that I'm older watching this movie back, I gotta say,
02:19 Bette Midler circa Hocus Pocus, she can get some.
02:22 Anyway, so like I said, the boy is caught and they turn him into this black cat
02:25 who's cursed to live forever because they said so.
02:27 "Twist the bones and bend the back."
02:30 "Here to take up a demalicant."
02:32 [sad music]
02:40 But then, wouldn't you know, the rest of the town somehow finds out what they're getting up to
02:43 and they storm the house and take the sisters away to be hanged.
02:46 "Winifred Sanderson?"
02:48 "Yes?"
02:48 "I will ask thee one final time."
02:51 "Yes?"
02:51 "What hast thou done with my son Thackeray?"
02:54 "Thackeray."
02:55 [laughs]
02:56 Wait, hold on.
02:57 Thackeray?
02:58 This dude's name is Thackeray?
02:59 Although, okay, to be fair, I feel like in 2022 you could probably go into any kindergarten
03:03 and there'd be at least three kids with that name.
03:05 And then half the other kids are named like Pepto-Bismol or something.
03:08 But whatever, anyway.
03:09 "Fools! All of you!"
03:11 "My ungodly book speaks to you!"
03:13 "When all hallows eve and the moon is around,"
03:16 "a virgin will summon us from under the ground!"
03:20 "And the lives of all the children shall be mine!"
03:23 [screams]
03:25 [groans]
03:27 [groans]
03:28 Jeez, Hocus Pocus!
03:30 What? I mean, you're just gonna show that in a kids movie?
03:34 That's kinda messed up.
03:35 But yeah, so just before they were hanged,
03:37 Winnie makes a prophecy that one Halloween sometime in the future,
03:39 a virgin will light the black flame candle and bring them back to life.
03:42 And so now we hard cut to 1993,
03:44 and we get to meet our main, main character, Max,
03:47 who just moved from LA, California all the way to Salem, Massachusetts.
03:50 And let me tell you, he does not have time for all this magical witch nonsense.
03:53 Which ironically is like the least LA thing I've ever heard, but whatever.
03:56 "That on Halloween night, a black cat still guards the old Sanderson house,"
04:04 "warning off any who might make the witches come back to life!"
04:10 [screams]
04:12 [groans]
04:14 Sweet, Frank.
04:16 Yeah, screw you for caring about teaching and trying to engage your students in a history lesson.
04:19 Psh, fricking lame, am I right, guys?
04:21 Ha! Later, losers!
04:23 ♪ The Super Cool Skateboard Kid ♪
04:25 But I mean, Max over here's got that middle part in his hair,
04:27 and a tie-dye t-shirt over a long-sleeve shirt?
04:30 Like, come on, I would totally subscribe to this guy's newsletter.
04:32 And like, what are you even drawing here, by the way?
04:33 Okay, the Grateful Dead? Like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what is this?
04:36 Sir? Sir, this is a Disney movie made for kids.
04:39 Explain yourself!
04:39 But yeah, so Max over here does not care much for Halloween, or holidays, or anything fun,
04:44 you know, because caring about stuff's for losers.
04:46 "But everyone here knows that Halloween was invented by the candy companies."
04:50 "Oh, it's a conspiracy."
04:52 "It just so happens that Halloween is based on the ancient feast called All Hallows Eve."
04:58 "It's the one night of the year where the spirits of the dead can return to Earth."
05:02 [crowd cheering]
05:04 Okay, I'm sorry, like, why is the entire class cheering right now?
05:07 Halloween is stupid.
05:08 Nuh-uh, Halloween's cool.
05:10 [silly noise]
05:11 "Well said, Allison."
05:13 [crowd cheering]
05:15 "In case Jimi Hendrix shows up tonight, here's my number."
05:22 Just right in the middle of class, huh?
05:24 I mean, okay, I admire the courage, but like, trust me, this never works, okay?
05:27 In my experience, giving a girl your number in front of everyone, or in private, or literally any time,
05:32 just never goes well, okay? Don't even try.
05:34 So this girl's name is Allison, by the way.
05:35 And then Max just, like, follows her home from school like some kind of serial killer.
05:39 "My name is Max Dennison."
05:40 "Yeah, I know, you just moved here, huh?"
05:42 "Yeah, last week."
05:43 "Must be a big change for you."
05:45 "Yeah, that's for sure."
05:47 "You don't like it here?"
05:49 "I don't know, just all this Halloween stuff."
05:52 "Trick or treat?"
05:54 So feeling dejected, Max rides home and decides to cut through the cemetery,
06:04 which leads him to meet up with some local ne'er-do-wells who steal his shoes for no particular reason.
06:08 So yeah, Max is having a real heck of a day, you know what I mean?
06:10 But finally, he gets home and goes up to his room so he can be all cool and emo and stuff.
06:14 [sigh]
06:17 [silence]
06:20 [clears throat]
06:22 "Oh, Allison."
06:25 "What?"
06:26 "Oh, Allison."
06:28 "You're so soft."
06:30 "Whaaaat is happening right now?"
06:33 "Just wanna hug you."
06:34 [door opens]
06:35 "No!"
06:36 "Danny!"
06:37 [Danny screams]
06:39 "I'm Allison."
06:41 "Kiss me, I'm Allison!"
06:43 "No, thank you."
06:44 This is Max's little sister, Danny, and she's excited to go trick or treating that night,
06:47 but Max is not having any of that fun and happiness stuff, okay?
06:50 Pfft, ew, gross.
06:51 But of course, as you might imagine, Max's parents make him take Danny out anyway,
06:54 but like, come on, it's Halloween, how bad could it be?
06:56 [children laughing]
06:58 [silence]
07:00 [silence]
07:04 "Lighten up, Max."
07:06 "Can we go home now?"
07:07 "No."
07:08 [children laughing]
07:12 [explosion]
07:13 You know, as an adult, you always kind of forget this,
07:15 but like, when you're a kid, Halloween is just peak anxiety, okay?
07:18 I mean, it's kind of just like Squid Game for kids.
07:20 Like, you have a chance to get like, ten pounds of candy,
07:22 but throughout the night, some high school teens might show up and just murder you.
07:25 "Stop and pay the toll, kid."
07:27 "Ten chocolate bars, no licorice."
07:29 "Dump out your sack."
07:31 "Dropped it."
07:32 "Max!"
07:33 "Ooooh."
07:34 [chuckling]
07:36 [children laughing]
07:37 "Hollywood!"
07:38 [children laughing]
07:39 "Oh, no!"
07:40 [children laughing]
07:41 "Wait a minute. Everybody pays the toll."
07:44 "Stuff it, zit face."
07:45 Zit face?
07:46 Are we looking at the same dude?
07:48 I'm about to ask him for his skincare routine.
07:50 So in exchange for their lives, they give the Nerdy Whales all their candy,
07:52 and the night is just not really going well.
07:54 That is, until they come to some rich person's house down the road.
07:57 "Wow."
08:00 "Check out this house."
08:02 "Eh, rich people."
08:05 "They probably make us drink cider and bob for apples."
08:08 Can I just stop you for a second and say that bobbing for apples
08:10 is like the grossest thing anyone ever invented.
08:13 But all the same, they decide to head on in and see if they maybe can't get some of those rich people full-size candy bars.
08:17 You know what I mean?
08:18 None of that fun-size garbage in this house.
08:20 "Trick or treat."
08:21 "Trick or treat."
08:22 "Jackpot!"
08:26 "Whoa!"
08:28 See, what'd I tell you? Just an entire bowl full of--
08:31 Wait a second.
08:32 It's just a bunch of old Henry bars in half-size, hundred grand.
08:35 Never mind. False alarm. We're leaving.
08:37 "Max Denison."
08:40 "Alison."
08:41 "I thought you weren't into Halloween."
08:43 "I'm not. I'm just taking my little sister Dani around."
08:47 "That's nice."
08:48 "My parents made 'em."
08:50 "Do you guys want some cider?"
08:52 Yeah, thanks, Alison. But, uh, quick question.
08:54 What the heck is this party?
08:55 Everyone's dressed up like this, people got masks on.
08:57 Okay, I've seen "Ready or Not" and "Get Out," okay?
08:59 I know exactly where this is going.
09:01 "So, um, how was the party?"
09:08 "Boring. It's just a bunch of my parents' friends. They do this every year."
09:11 Your parents dress like this every year?
09:13 Yeah, and then they kidnap local poor kids to sacrifice to Lord Cthulhu at midnight.
09:16 Yeah, right on, man. Ah, crap.
09:18 "By the way, Dani, I love your costume."
09:20 "Thank you. I really like yours, too."
09:23 "Of course, I couldn't wear anything like that because I don't have any--
09:27 What do you call 'em, Max?
09:29 Yabbos?"
09:30 "Max likes your yabbos."
09:36 "Dani, please, I'm begging you, please stop."
09:38 "In fact, he loves 'em."
09:41 "SATAN!"
09:42 You know, nothing says '90s kids movie like, uh, boob jokes 25 minutes in.
09:45 Also, I just want to give a quick shout-out to Alison here for somehow being completely unfazed by this conversation.
09:50 So, Max, Dani, and Alison get to talking, and they decide to go visit the old Sanderson house.
09:54 Because Max doesn't believe in any of that nonsense, and, oh, golly gee,
09:57 I guess we have to spend all night together so you can change my mind, Alison.
10:00 [laughs]
10:01 So they head on over, and, uh, would you believe it's kind of spooky?
10:05 "This is the spell book of Winifred Sanderson.
10:08 It was given to her by the devil himself.
10:11 The book is bound in human skin."
10:14 Yeah, okay, that's enough. I'm out.
10:16 "Black flame candle.
10:21 Made from the fat of a hangman."
10:24 [laughs]
10:25 [grunts]
10:27 That is one of the foulest things I've ever heard in my life.
10:30 "Legend says that on a full moon, it will raise the spirits of the dead and lift by a virgin on Halloween night.
10:36 Do the honors?"
10:39 "No, thanks."
10:40 Yeah, come on, Max. Like, she looks like this and lives in a small town with, like, 40,000 people, okay?
10:45 Put two and two together. Ain't nothing gonna happen if she lights that candle.
10:47 So Max decides to light it himself and see what happens, which is kind of a hilarious self-own, by the way.
10:52 Oh, what's that? Alison, the girl I'm trying to impress, a virgin, needs to light the candle?
10:55 Well, don't mind if I do. But, I mean, he does wear tie-dye shirts, so really it's more of an open secret.
10:59 [music]
11:15 "We are home."
11:16 "Winnie Sanderson, my queen, has returned."
11:18 Oh, yeah, hi to you too, sir.
11:19 That's right, so a virgin lit the candle, and now the witches are back to do whatever they were gonna do before.
11:24 So after a bunch of back and forth, and with the help of Thackeray, the black cat who shows up in the middle of all this,
11:28 they somehow manage to steal the spellbook and escape the witch's house.
11:31 Which, of course, means that the three witch sisters have to go out into the world of 1993 and get their spellbook back.
11:36 "Tis a black river. Perhaps it is not too deep."
11:40 [screams]
11:44 "Tis firm!"
11:48 "Beautiful, Winnie."
11:49 "Tis firm as stone!"
11:51 "Why, it's a road!"
11:52 "Firm as stone!"
11:53 "Sister! My book!"
11:55 And so this brings us to the fish-out-of-water part of the movie, where the three sisters are confused by this wacky,
11:59 futuristic '90s world of creepy crawlers, Garfield telephones, every guy had a soul patch for goodness knows what reason.
12:05 "Bubble, bubble."
12:09 "What is this contraption?"
12:11 "A bus."
12:12 "And its purpose?"
12:14 "To convey gorgeous creatures such as yourselves to your most forbidden desires."
12:19 "We desire...children."
12:23 "Hey, that may take me a couple of tries, but I don't think that'd be a problem."
12:26 [laughs]
12:28 Oh?
12:29 [coughs]
12:30 What was that?
12:31 This is a kids' movie?
12:32 Ah, yes, nine-year-old Sally, here, please sit down and watch this movie full of boob jokes and, uh...
12:37 I can't even say what this is referring to.
12:40 Oh, wow.
12:41 But then, like, despite their confusion about everything, there's also this part where they go to this, like, adult dance party or whatever,
12:45 and suddenly they totally understand how dance music and microphones work, but asphalt confuses them?
12:50 Between you and me, I'm starting to think this movie might not be entirely realistic.
12:54 Now, while this is all going on, Max, Danny, and Allison have escaped with Thackeray to the local cemetery,
12:58 where we all get to learn what's really going on here.
13:00 "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, this is a graveyard."
13:06 "It's hallowed ground. Witches can't set foot here."
13:09 [laughs]
13:10 Oh, wow, okay.
13:11 But, you know, as terrifying as these special effects are,
13:14 how is the CG from this 1993 movie better than, like, every CW superhero show?
13:19 Also, I love how these kids are just, like, barely phased by this talking cat.
13:22 "It's hallowed ground. Witches can't set foot here."
13:26 "He talks."
13:28 Like, first, Max gives Allison his number in front of the whole class, and then she's like, "Huh, that's cool."
13:32 And then Danny's like, "My brother talks about your yabows all the time."
13:35 "Huh, that's weird."
13:36 And now the witches have come back from the dead, and there's a talking cat, and she's just like, "Huh, what a wacky night."
13:40 Like, Allison, come on, you doing okay?
13:42 Anyway, so then Thackeray lays out some wonderful exposition for everyone.
13:45 "Winifred's curse of immortality kept me alive."
13:47 "Then one day I figured out what to do with my eternal life."
13:50 "Now, when Winifred and her sisters returned, I'd be there to stop them."
13:55 "So for three centuries, I guarded the house on all Hallows' Night,"
13:59 "when I knew some airhead virgin might light that candle."
14:02 Now, we also learn that the witches are only back for Halloween night,
14:05 and if they can't absorb any child goo, or whatever this is,
14:08 when the sun comes up, they'll be dead forever.
14:10 And so pretty much the rest of the movie is the Sanderson sisters chasing the main characters all over town,
14:14 trying to get the book back, brought to you by 7-Up.
14:16 And at one point, like I mentioned earlier, they all kind of converge at this adult Halloween dance party thing.
14:20 Danny and Max are there to find their parents and tell them what's going on,
14:23 and Allison's family, I assume, is just too busy with their bloodletting ritual to care either way.
14:27 "Mom?"
14:29 "Hmm?"
14:31 "What are you supposed to be?"
14:33 "Madonna."
14:35 "Well, you know."
14:37 "Well, obviously."
14:39 Okay, seriously, how many boob jokes you gonna put in this kid's movie?
14:42 "This cat here binks, right? He can't talk."
14:44 "My brother's a virgin, he lit the black-pink candle, the witches are back from the dead and they're after us."
14:49 "How much candy have you had, honey?"
14:51 "Mom, I haven't OD'd, I haven't even had a piece."
14:53 Pfft.
14:54 Excuse me? What did she just say?
14:56 "How much candy have you had, honey?"
14:58 "Mom, I haven't OD'd, I haven't even had a piece."
15:00 This girl's like 8 years old.
15:02 How do you know these words?
15:03 What kind of life were you kids living back in LA?
15:05 Anyway, so they end up trapping the witches in the high school clay sculpture kiln,
15:08 and slight tangent here, but like, what is this sculpture supposed to be, okay?
15:11 Who made this?
15:12 [Screaming]
15:31 So they think the witches are dead because they burned them alive,
15:33 but turns out they're not, even though hanging them before worked,
15:36 but incinerating their bodies doesn't, for some reason.
15:38 What are the rules of this movie?
15:39 So the witches come back, and Sarah Sanderson sings a song to brainwash all the kids,
15:43 and uh...
15:44 [Chuckles]
15:45 Remember when I said this movie taught me a lot about myself?
15:47 Anyway, so basically what ends up happening is Max, Danny, and Allison just kind of run around
15:51 and fight back against the witches long enough so the sun comes up
15:53 before they can suck up any of the kids' life energy, bro.
15:56 And they all turn to stone and then disintegrate into nothing.
15:58 [Music]
16:07 And so now the witches are finally, totally, definitely, maybe gone forever,
16:11 and the spell has finally been lifted from Thackeray,
16:13 and his spirit can be free, or whatever.
16:15 The witches are dead.
16:17 My soul's finally free.
16:19 [Gasps]
16:20 Thackeray Beans!
16:22 It's Emily.
16:25 Thackeray Beans? What took thee so long?
16:28 I'm sorry, Emily.
16:29 I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle.
16:34 Okay, but like, why you gotta say it like that, though?
16:36 Like, imagine getting dunked on for being a virgin by some dude named Thackeray.
16:39 Max saved the world from three evil witches,
16:41 and this guy's soul from eternal purgatory, or whatever.
16:44 And the dude's still just like, "Yeah, but like, freakin' virgin, though, am I right?"
16:47 Also, you're from like the 1600s, okay?
16:49 Like, what, you tell me back then you were just pounding that sliz left and right?
16:52 But yeah, so the day has finally been saved, Max and Allison get together,
16:54 and that's pretty much where the movie ends.
16:56 So yeah, much like other movies from the time,
16:58 like Home Alone 1 and 2, Matilda, Blank Check, you know, like,
17:01 this is one of those kids' movies that, watching back as an adult,
17:03 it's like watching a completely different movie.
17:05 Like, 90s Disney just did not care.
17:07 But to be fair, aside from everything I just said,
17:10 I do think overall the movie actually holds up a lot better than you'd think.
17:13 Like, horrifying cat CG and general slapstick and boob jokes aside,
17:16 like, it's actually pretty watchable.
17:18 And then, like I said, 29 years after this movie came out,
17:20 Disney's making Hocus Pocus 2, which comes out on Disney+ on September 30th,
17:24 so, guess what video I'll be making right around that time.
17:27 Now, I just wanna make it clear, just like with my Matilda video, like,
17:30 I'm not saying that this is a horribly offensive movie that, you know,
17:33 like, "Oh my goodness, I can't believe they made this."
17:35 It's one of those things where, you know, as a kid, you watch and you like something,
17:38 and you're like, "Oh, what a fun, wholesome thing I liked when I was a child."
17:41 And then you go back and you watch it as an adult, and you're just like,
17:43 "Oh... oh my goodness. This is... this is not at all what I remember this movie."
17:48 It's like Matilda, when, like, when you're a kid, you're like,
17:50 "Oh, the magical girl is so cool. I like books, too."
17:53 And then, as an adult, you go back and watch Matilda, and you're like,
17:55 "That movie is horrifying!"
17:57 And, like, in Hocus Pocus, you got this 8-year-old girl talking to a 17-year-old girl about her boobs.
18:01 Like, I don't know. It's just weird. It's just... it's just weird on a lot of levels, okay?
18:04 And, like, everyone is so obsessed with the main character being a virgin for some reason, you know?
18:07 It's like, "Okay."
18:08 And, again, this is a kid's movie, but, like I said, back in the '90s, like, there was just no rules.
18:11 Like, nobody cared.
18:13 Like, whenever I talk to my parents or, like, any older adult, you know,
18:15 and they'll say things like, "Oh, all this, like, kid stuff nowadays is so weird and strange, and I don't get it."
18:21 And, I mean, to be fair, you know, Gen Z, Gen Alpha humor is very weird.
18:24 But also, it's like, I don't know, like, in the '90s, when I was a kid,
18:27 things were equally as weird, just in a different way.
18:29 Like, go back, you watch, like, Red and Stimpy, Matilda, you know, any of this stuff,
18:33 and you're just like, "Who thought this was, like, good for kids?"
18:36 You know? I mean, like, no wonder we're all so messed up.
18:38 Anyway, hope you enjoyed the video.
18:39 If you did, don't forget to subscribe, ring that bell, leave a like, leave a comment, all that stuff.
18:43 Send me an email at alexmyerscontact@gmail.com.
18:46 Let me know what movies or TV shows you think I should check out next.
18:49 And, above all else, everybody, have a great day, and I'll see you all next time.