LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND Full Movie

Ted Film

last year

Transcript

00:00:00 [silence]

00:00:18 Good afternoon everyone, I hope you checked your inboxes.

00:00:20 Yeah, you better have checked your inboxes.

00:00:22 Because we left a memo regarding mandatory overtime by all employees.

00:00:25 All employees better be doing overtime.

00:00:27 Because the company benefits from every employee who's doing overtime.

00:00:30 The company benefits and so will you.

00:00:32 And we benefit from every employee who does overtime.

00:00:34 Absolutely.

00:00:35 I know it's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:00:38 Stick around. Overtime.

00:00:40 [music]

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00:03:18 [music]

00:03:25 Guys, wait. I'm tingling.

00:03:27 You know you can get a cream for that.

00:03:29 No, I mean it's my ex-girlfriend.

00:03:31 Look, I'm telling you, cream does wonders for any problem.

00:03:33 No, it's not that at all.

00:03:35 It's just, I get this sort of tingling sensation whenever my ex-girlfriends are around.

00:03:38 It's like a sort of sixth sense.

00:03:40 Lisa must be around here somewhere.

00:03:42 Lisa?

00:03:43 Guys, why are you so mean to her?

00:03:45 She was always really nice to me. She probably came to apologize.

00:03:47 Look, you just don't understand how girls work.

00:03:49 Alright, look, once you realize that girls are predisposed to extract valuable time, energy, and most importantly, money,

00:03:54 you'll understand where me and Neil are coming from.

00:03:56 I'm not your girlfriend, Matt.

00:03:58 Look, with girls, you gotta be ruthless.

00:04:00 Well, maybe Neil doesn't want to be ruthless.

00:04:02 What? What are you talking about? Of course he does. It's his ex.

00:04:05 Now just go stand there by the tree. This is man talk.

00:04:07 Bye.

00:04:08 Go.

00:04:09 Yeah. Yeah, ruthless.

00:04:18 Can't let Lisa see that I'm still single.

00:04:20 Yeah, gotta save face. Hey, hey you!

00:04:22 Me?

00:04:23 Yeah, yeah, you. Wanna make 20 bucks?

00:04:25 Sure.

00:04:26 What's with him?

00:04:34 Oh, he lost his circle privileges.

00:04:36 Right.

00:04:37 So, about the 20 bucks.

00:04:39 Oh, great. Alright, 20 bucks to pretend to be this guy's girlfriend.

00:04:42 This guy?

00:04:44 You gotta be kidding me.

00:04:45 Girls gotta have standards.

00:04:47 Oh, for crying out loud. What's the big deal?

00:04:49 I mean, no one would believe that a girl like me was going out with a guy like you.

00:04:54 Like, just to think that...

00:04:56 Alright, alright, 40 bucks.

00:04:57 Okay.

00:04:58 Okay.

00:04:59 Neil, give her the 40.

00:05:02 Come on, come on, don't be cheap. Nice lady.

00:05:06 She's doing you a good favor here.

00:05:08 Alright, you good? You good? Now let's do this.

00:05:11 Sorry about all this.

00:05:14 Guys, wait for me.

00:05:19 [Door opens]

00:05:20 Lisa!

00:05:25 Neil!

00:05:26 How did you get in here?

00:05:27 Hi, Lisa.

00:05:28 Eric, don't break rank.

00:05:30 I thought you changed the locks.

00:05:33 You changed them.

00:05:34 No, guys, I did it. And I did it.

00:05:36 Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:05:38 Yeah.

00:05:39 Yeah? Well, your windows are still made of glass.

00:05:42 Our slumlord landlord isn't gonna fix that.

00:05:45 Yeah, neither are you.

00:05:46 Hush, Eric. What are you even doing here?

00:05:48 I, uh, came here for my stuff.

00:05:51 Like what?

00:05:52 Like, uh, my hammer.

00:05:55 Hey, that's it. You're done, Lisa. I'm calling the cops.

00:05:58 Oh, and my cell phone.

00:06:00 Fine, just take it and get out of here, Lisa.

00:06:02 [Clears throat]

00:06:03 Who is this, Neil?

00:06:06 This is my new girlfriend, Abby.

00:06:08 That's not my name.

00:06:10 Abby.

00:06:11 Hi.

00:06:13 Hi. Well, that's cool. 'Cause I have a new boyfriend.

00:06:16 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:18 Who?

00:06:19 Uh, him.

00:06:21 Huh? Me? Really?

00:06:24 That's my roommate, Lisa.

00:06:26 Uh, I really meant him.

00:06:28 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:30 That's my other roommate, Lisa. You're over two here.

00:06:32 I really meant him.

00:06:35 Hi.

00:06:37 This is my brand new boyfriend.

00:06:42 Isn't he...

00:06:44 Fucking gross.

00:06:45 Rugged.

00:06:46 Oh, yeah? Well, if you're her new boyfriend, what's her name?

00:06:48 Lisa, don't say a word.

00:06:50 Ugh.

00:06:51 But, Eric, shut up.

00:06:52 Well? Hmm?

00:06:54 Ugh.

00:06:55 Ha! See? I knew it.

00:06:57 I was just happy she noticed me.

00:06:59 I knew you weren't a boyfriend.

00:07:00 How much did she pay you to do this?

00:07:02 She gave me $40 to stay with her.

00:07:04 Paying someone $40 to be their boyfriend?

00:07:06 Well, that's low.

00:07:08 That's funny, 'cause Abby over here sure doesn't look like your "girlfriend."

00:07:13 Oh, yeah? How do you figure?

00:07:14 Well, first of all, a girl has to have some standards.

00:07:18 Look at her, and look at you.

00:07:20 Like trying to fit a small, square peg into a round hole.

00:07:25 And B, she doesn't smell like you.

00:07:28 You were smelling me?

00:07:30 That's it. $40 is not worth putting up with you freaks.

00:07:34 Ha ha ha! Who's winning the limbo contest now?

00:07:39 What?

00:07:41 Just leave. Get going. Now.

00:07:45 I'm not done with you, Neil.

00:07:47 I'll be back for my stuff later.

00:07:49 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch!

00:07:52 What a waste of $40.

00:07:57 I don't know. I, uh, I think she wants you back.

00:07:59 Why would you even say something like that?

00:08:01 Yeah, seriously, Eric. Why would you curse that upon him?

00:08:03 He's better off now than ever.

00:08:04 She doesn't want me back. She just wants to make my life miserable.

00:08:08 Come on, Neil. It's not so bad.

00:08:09 Hey, uh-uh. I buy a good first slice.

00:08:12 I hope you got meat lovers this time, Matt.

00:08:16 Yeah, you would say that you do.

00:08:18 What the hell are you still doing here?

00:08:23 She also said I could take whatever I wanted.

00:08:26 What? No! Get the hell out.

00:08:28 Um, these are ours. Sorry.

00:08:32 Um, that too. Thanks.

00:08:35 Well, uh, hold it, hold it.

00:08:37 You're good to go. You can never be too sure with hobos.

00:08:43 Jeez. At least she's been such a bitch since I broke up with her.

00:08:50 I thought she broke up with you. Is that what she's been telling people?

00:08:53 Forget about her, Neil.

00:08:54 Let's not be too hasty, Matt.

00:08:56 I mean, breakups are a delicate situation. Like those Russian fabric eggs.

00:09:01 It's Fabergé.

00:09:03 No, no, it's not. He dumped her. That egg is smashed. Move on.

00:09:07 I think you should re-examine the situation. I mean, it's been like two days since you guys split.

00:09:12 About that, yeah.

00:09:13 Right, so there's some heated emotions getting in the way of everyone's thinking right now, and you should probably just talk to her.

00:09:18 Nah, she just wants to move on.

00:09:20 Get her goods and go. I mean, she broke in here.

00:09:23 Rash, yes. But if you look past all the raw emotion, you might be able to see what you actually want from all this.

00:09:29 Nah, I don't think so.

00:09:31 Why did you guys even break up? You two were perfect together.

00:09:34 She was... too loud.

00:09:37 Tell me about it.

00:09:39 No, I mean, in bed.

00:09:41 What?

00:09:42 I wanted to liven things up, so I told her to be louder, get into it.

00:09:47 And?

00:09:49 And she took it way too far, started yelling and screaming, you know, really getting into it.

00:09:54 Wait, so that's why you used to crank your music?

00:09:57 Funny I like those tunes. I'll never listen to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" the same way again.

00:10:02 I told her to tone it down, but she said it was only getting better for her the louder and angrier she got.

00:10:07 That's when we started to fight.

00:10:09 But before all that, don't you miss being with her?

00:10:12 Well...

00:10:13 Neil, don't listen to him. Look, you got your own boob tube right here.

00:10:16 Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, I hadn't been spending that much time with you guys while I was with Lisa.

00:10:20 Nothing like pizza and TV, right?

00:10:22 Yeah, two pizza pies coming right up.

00:10:23 Wait, you got pie?

00:10:25 No, you douchebag. It's not actually pie. I'm just calling it pizza pie, like the gangsters of old New York used to do.

00:10:31 I've never heard of that before.

00:10:33 Yeah, me neither. Does anyone still call it that?

00:10:36 Does it matter? It's cool, unique.

00:10:38 Uncommon, and with good reason.

00:10:40 What? No way. Look, a grinder is a hoagie, it's a footlong, they're all tasty sandwiches.

00:10:45 I'm just saying, pizza pie? It doesn't sound that appetizing.

00:10:49 Excuse me, I like a pizza, put some whipped cream and cheese on it, ooh, and some sprinkles, yum yum.

00:10:54 Yeah, it's like cheesecake. Just doesn't sound like you'd ever want to eat it.

00:10:58 What do you have against cheesecake?

00:10:59 Yeah.

00:11:00 Listen to it. Cheese. Cake. Sounds like someone took some fresh gouda and threw it on some crust.

00:11:07 I like cheese and all, but a big honking slab of thick gooey just never really tempted me.

00:11:13 You do know it's not actually cheese.

00:11:15 Well, I know that now, but when I was little, the name was all I had to go on.

00:11:19 No, he's right.

00:11:20 Bullshit.

00:11:21 I'm just saying, a whole cake full of cheese? It sounds a little...

00:11:27 What the hell is that?

00:11:30 I can't really describe it.

00:11:31 You still haven't.

00:11:32 I boiled it down to an action.

00:11:34 What the hell is that? That doesn't say shit to me.

00:11:37 Yeah, it does. It's like, uh, too sweet.

00:11:40 No, not at all.

00:11:42 Yeah, no, it's like when you wipe your brow 'cause it's hot, or you keel over 'cause you're sick.

00:11:46 Going like, "Ugh," saying it's too sweet or something.

00:11:50 Eric, that's ridiculous.

00:11:52 Well, that's what I did.

00:11:53 Dude, no wonder Lisa broke up with you. You can't even communicate your own fucking thoughts.

00:11:57 Hey, that was a low blow. I broke up with her, remember? She's the crazy one.

00:12:01 And don't you forget it. I just had to refocus your anger onto her. We're all friends here. Let's get to that TV.

00:12:08 [scratching]

00:12:10 So where the hell is Howie? We can't watch TV without him.

00:12:22 Did we lose it?

00:12:23 Get his whistle.

00:12:25 Got it.

00:12:30 Come on.

00:12:35 [whistle]

00:12:37 I hear him. Again.

00:12:41 [whistle]

00:12:43 Found him.

00:12:48 Oh, Howie, thank God.

00:12:50 How could we ever lose you?

00:12:52 Good thing we attached this locator to him just in case. Oh, put this back, Eric.

00:12:56 No, Eric, in its holder. If we lose that whistle and then Howie again, we're screwed.

00:13:03 Okay, okay.

00:13:05 Yeah, we'll be back to where we were before, Lisa. Remote-less.

00:13:10 And thus TV-less. Remember when we broke a remote and got stuck in the Spanish-hung shopping network?

00:13:14 Ah, si, si.

00:13:16 [speaking Spanish]

00:13:18 [speaking Spanish]

00:13:21 [speaking Spanish]

00:13:23 Vamonos, baby. I love you, Howie.

00:13:25 Look how cute he is.

00:13:27 So much better than that dog we wanted.

00:13:29 No, I stole him when I broke up with Lisa. She got him when we were still together.

00:13:33 Said she needed something size-wise in her life.

00:13:36 Well, fuck her! I stole her remote.

00:13:42 Right.

00:13:44 Well, anyway, like we said, good thing. It's been a good addition to our family.

00:13:48 Jeez, girls are complicated.

00:13:50 Yeah, but TV isn't.

00:13:52 Or maybe it is.

00:13:56 Damn it.

00:13:58 No, no, I'll fix it.

00:14:00 Yeah, from the sound of it, girls never seem to say what they're thinking.

00:14:04 It's like you need some sort of decoder ring to figure out--

00:14:06 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, you got it.

00:14:08 Who do you think that is?

00:14:10 What were you saying, Eric? What was you saying?

00:14:12 You seem like a good kid.

00:14:14 I think you'll fit in just fine at the National Security Agency.

00:14:17 Anyway, here's your first code to break.

00:14:25 Did a girl write this? It looks like a breakup note.

00:14:29 What?

00:14:31 Yeah, it looks like she's trying to break up.

00:14:33 Impossible.

00:14:37 I've got a supercomputer working on that one for four months.

00:14:40 I just read it.

00:14:42 No, no, you did much more than that.

00:14:45 You're good.

00:14:47 Here, try this one.

00:14:53 Looks like she's avoiding sex tonight.

00:14:55 It's a common avoidance maneuver.

00:14:57 How could we be so blind?

00:15:00 Quickly, come with me.

00:15:02 Director.

00:15:06 What is the meaning of this?

00:15:08 The new guy, he's a crypto analysis prodigy.

00:15:10 He can crack anything.

00:15:12 Well, is that so?

00:15:14 Let's see if he can crack this.

00:15:21 It's a trick. It has to be.

00:15:24 What do you mean?

00:15:26 A yes or no answer will lead to disaster.

00:15:28 This is a question not meant to be answered.

00:15:30 Where did you get this?

00:15:33 My wife.

00:15:35 Well, that was weird.

00:15:38 Yeah, it was almost like...

00:15:40 The television...

00:15:41 Is watching...

00:15:42 You!

00:15:44 Okay.

00:15:46 After that, I need something to drink.

00:15:50 I'll have an MD.

00:15:51 What?

00:15:52 Oh, come on, Eric. You lost at the nose game.

00:15:54 You're the last person to touch their nose after a request,

00:15:56 so you've got to take the walk of shame.

00:15:58 What? That's a stupid game. Who came up with that?

00:16:01 It's been passed down from generation to generation.

00:16:03 It's creation lost to the sands of time.

00:16:05 I think it started with Jesus and his apostles.

00:16:07 You know who was heading into there.

00:16:08 It's an invaluable tool for lazy people with quick hands everywhere.

00:16:11 Yeah, you know Matt's got the quickest hands around.

00:16:13 All those years of solitary practice.

00:16:15 Yep, and now you're taking a walk.

00:16:17 But I don't...

00:16:18 Sorry, Eric. It's the rules.

00:16:20 I just gotta know.

00:16:22 Why the nose?

00:16:24 Well, I think if you stuck your finger up your ass,

00:16:26 it would cause a few problems after multiple attempts.

00:16:28 Yeah, some real potential for a twisted Tootsie Roll.

00:16:30 What?

00:16:31 Lookie.

00:16:32 No, no, no.

00:16:33 Don't.

00:16:34 It is strange.

00:16:35 I guess I can understand it, though.

00:16:37 Your hand isn't normally near your face.

00:16:38 You've got to be quick if you want to avoid being the last one.

00:16:40 Yeah, totally.

00:16:41 Hey, don't think I'm going to forget.

00:16:42 I'll have an MD.

00:16:44 Ugh, fine.

00:16:47 [footsteps]

00:16:49 Yeah, there's been a lot of weird, stupid things that have been invented over time.

00:16:54 Like this thing.

00:16:55 Seriously, who thinks of this shit?

00:16:57 Someone missing a finger, I guess.

00:16:59 Yeah, but how does everyone even know about that?

00:17:01 I mean, before the internet, people were like...

00:17:03 dumb.

00:17:04 I don't know.

00:17:05 I guess people maybe did it at family gatherings in order to entertain each other

00:17:08 and then they passed it on or something.

00:17:10 Maybe they read it in the newspaper.

00:17:12 Yeah, but still.

00:17:13 How did that first person figure that out?

00:17:16 Luck?

00:17:17 I'm not so sure.

00:17:18 I think one guy was just puffing on some wacky weed,

00:17:20 shoved his thumb between his fingers, and figured out pulling his finger off.

00:17:24 I mean, people like that are really into weird, trippy shit like this.

00:17:26 Yeah, tell me about it.

00:17:27 I used to have this one friend who smoked a lot of dope,

00:17:29 and one day when he was at his usual Chinese buffet,

00:17:31 he thought he could understand what the workers were saying.

00:17:33 He called me up and said, "I can learn Chinese by smoking weed!"

00:17:36 What?

00:17:37 Turns out the workers were trying to learn Spanish,

00:17:39 and my friend was a fluent Spanish translator.

00:17:41 I don't know about people these days.

00:17:43 Well, whoever figured that out was probably related to this guy.

00:17:46 Yeah, that one's a classic.

00:17:47 Wherever it came from.

00:17:50 At least I never knew about that one.

00:17:52 Oh, God, not her again.

00:17:53 Look, just let that slut go.

00:17:55 Sorry, man.

00:17:56 I've just been thinking about her.

00:17:57 She's been acting really weird lately.

00:17:59 I mean, I guess I can understand her breaking and entering,

00:18:02 but bringing that smelly hobo in here?

00:18:03 Dude, just let it go, alright?

00:18:06 And once you realize you're better off living the life of a bachelor,

00:18:08 you'll be living the high life, like me.

00:18:10 I mean, drink served to you, watch all sorts of great TV,

00:18:13 and be one with--

00:18:14 Don't say universe.

00:18:15 I was gonna say couch.

00:18:18 Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:18:19 I mean, what do you think about her bringing that hobo in here?

00:18:22 I mean, he could have left some germs behind or something.

00:18:24 Don't you think it's a little weird that she tried to make it seem like he was her boyfriend?

00:18:27 I don't know.

00:18:28 I thought it was weirder that we missed him.

00:18:30 The second time.

00:18:32 Eric, where's that drink?

00:18:34 Can't have pizza pie without a cold MD.

00:18:36 Yeah, it's coming.

00:18:38 [phone rings]

00:18:41 You gonna answer that?

00:18:43 Nope.

00:18:44 What if it's important?

00:18:45 Well, if it's important, they'll call back.

00:18:47 You're not even gonna screen it?

00:18:48 Waste of time? I know I'm not gonna answer it.

00:18:53 See? Problem solved.

00:18:55 [phone rings]

00:18:58 No way, dude.

00:18:59 There's only two of us here. You can't do that.

00:19:00 Besides, you're closer.

00:19:02 Can't deny that.

00:19:06 Geez, remind me never to call you if I ever go to prison.

00:19:10 Hello?

00:19:11 Oh, hey, Scott.

00:19:13 Yeah, we're all here.

00:19:15 No, Lisa's on the prowl.

00:19:17 I don't know.

00:19:18 I don't know.

00:19:20 I don't know.

00:19:22 I don't care.

00:19:24 Yeah, okay, see ya.

00:19:28 What did he want?

00:19:29 He's on his way over.

00:19:30 What for?

00:19:31 I don't know.

00:19:32 Does he want to watch TV?

00:19:33 I don't know.

00:19:34 Well, when's he gonna be here?

00:19:35 I don't know.

00:19:36 What if Lisa sees him?

00:19:37 I don't care.

00:19:38 Geez, what do you know?

00:19:39 I'm fucking thirsty and someone owes me a drink.

00:19:41 Eric!

00:19:42 Yeah, it's coming.

00:19:43 But I found something, though.

00:19:45 Some sort of doll.

00:19:46 You mean one of your action figures?

00:19:48 Hey, those are collectible.

00:19:50 And no, this is definitely a doll.

00:19:52 It looks like some kind of voodoo doll.

00:19:57 Geez, look at this thing.

00:19:59 Lisa must have left it here.

00:20:01 It's kind of like Neil.

00:20:03 Why would you even start something like that?

00:20:05 Yeah, it does look like him.

00:20:06 You too, Eric?

00:20:07 Not really, it looks just like you.

00:20:09 It's pretty beat up, too.

00:20:10 What?

00:20:11 It looks like the arms have been stabbed.

00:20:13 Oh my God.

00:20:14 And it looks like the head's been reattached.

00:20:16 It can't be.

00:20:17 Right here where the heart used to be is now a twizzler.

00:20:20 Well, that's not that bad.

00:20:21 It's black licorice.

00:20:22 She is psychotic.

00:20:24 I wonder if it works.

00:20:28 Oh my God, it's working!

00:20:30 It's gonna make him kiss his own ass.

00:20:32 No, you schmucks, I was just messing with you.

00:20:34 Do you think that thing actually works?

00:20:36 Well, it might have.

00:20:37 I mean, remember that one day we had to reattach a decapitated head?

00:20:40 It's just like this voodoo doll.

00:20:42 You can't be serious.

00:20:44 Oh, wait, that was a dream I had.

00:20:47 You dream about me?

00:20:49 It's okay, Matt.

00:20:50 I dream about you guys, too.

00:20:52 I don't dream about you guys.

00:20:53 Wait, what do you dream about?

00:20:55 Just, you know, the three of us living together.

00:20:57 Forever.

00:20:58 I love it here.

00:20:59 That's fucking creepy, dude.

00:21:01 What, you dream about Neil's head being cut off?

00:21:03 I don't dream about any of you!

00:21:06 There, there, we weren't fighting.

00:21:08 There, there, Howie.

00:21:10 We're upsetting him.

00:21:11 I think he'll be okay.

00:21:12 He knows we're friends.

00:21:14 He's not a real person, Eric.

00:21:15 I'm just making the point that Lisa's a crazy psycho bitch with voodoo Neil dolls.

00:21:19 What, by talking to the remote?

00:21:20 By luring him back to the couch with the seductive calls of Howie.

00:21:23 It's TV that'll never do you wrong.

00:21:25 I'm sure she's just venting or something.

00:21:27 You know, taking her anger out in non-harmful ways.

00:21:30 I'm sure she's hurt that you guys broke up.

00:21:32 She might even be trying to patch things up.

00:21:34 Patch things up?

00:21:35 What, like my head back to my torso?

00:21:37 Eric, Lisa clearly wants this guy dead.

00:21:39 I don't know about that.

00:21:41 Anger is her form of communication.

00:21:43 Unconventional?

00:21:44 Yeah, but it's been consistent since the breakup.

00:21:48 What I see is that she's planning something bigger.

00:21:51 I keep thinking she can't handle this breakup the way I can.

00:21:55 I think I need to do something about this.

00:21:56 See, there's a problem right there.

00:21:57 You're thinking about things.

00:21:59 We all know the cure for thinking, don't we boys?

00:22:01 TV.

00:22:03 It happens here every Friday night.

00:22:06 Yeah.

00:22:07 Ted over here is going to help us out with this operation.

00:22:09 You ready, Ted?

00:22:11 Yeah.

00:22:12 Let's do this.

00:22:13 Come on.

00:22:14 Alright.

00:22:15 Guys, they think it's some kind of game.

00:22:17 Sick.

00:22:19 Hey, guys.

00:22:23 Ted, what are you doing here?

00:22:25 Ted, your character died.

00:22:27 Flag Roth, the wizard mage, died and left the dragon.

00:22:29 Go, go, go.

00:22:30 Everyone freeze.

00:22:31 Everybody freeze.

00:22:32 What?

00:22:33 What's going on?

00:22:34 What?

00:22:35 Nothing.

00:22:36 I don't have anything.

00:22:37 What do you want?

00:22:38 Give me that.

00:22:39 What?

00:22:40 Give me that.

00:22:41 Dice.

00:22:42 That's a felony, man.

00:22:43 Oh, my God.

00:22:44 It's a felony.

00:22:45 No.

00:22:46 You can't have them.

00:22:47 I need them.

00:22:49 Okay, coming downtown with you, man.

00:22:51 Coming downtown.

00:22:52 You're going to be sick.

00:22:54 Oh, my God.

00:22:55 My mom's going to kill me.

00:22:57 Well, that was interestingly bad.

00:23:04 Man, TV's been sucking recently.

00:23:06 It seems like our society is degenerating into a populace that's only interested in lower and lower forms of entertainment.

00:23:11 That's perpetuating the de-evolution of our culture.

00:23:14 Wow, that was really sophisticated of you.

00:23:18 Yeah, right on the back of a cereal box.

00:23:20 Wow, what kind of cereal do you eat?

00:23:22 Philosophicos.

00:23:24 I was kidding, you douchebag.

00:23:26 I have to disagree with you, Matt.

00:23:29 I'm sure he's a douchebag.

00:23:31 I think he meant about the TV sucking, Matt.

00:23:33 Here.

00:23:34 Let me show you the TV's not completely down the tubes.

00:23:36 Careful with them.

00:23:37 Soft hands.

00:23:38 There's got to be some quality stuff on here to watch.

00:23:40 I wouldn't doubt it.

00:23:41 TV's got all sorts of hidden gems.

00:23:42 You probably won't find much, though.

00:23:44 Most of it's pretty crappy.

00:23:45 I don't know, Matt.

00:23:46 We've had some great times in here together.

00:23:48 Do us proud, Neil.

00:23:49 Good luck.

00:23:50 Balls, balls, balls.

00:23:52 We've got all sorts of balls.

00:23:54 Big balls, little balls, yellow balls, frisbee balls, black balls, blue balls, ugly balls, blue balls, salty balls, did I mention blue balls?

00:24:00 Everyone loves balls.

00:24:01 Have we got a deal for you.

00:24:03 Buy a ball, get a ball.

00:24:04 Come in for a pair today at Big Al's Big Balls Emporium.

00:24:08 QED.

00:24:11 Wow.

00:24:12 Betrayed by our own TV.

00:24:14 How could this be?

00:24:16 Oh, it's pretty simple.

00:24:17 People are subjected to many forms of entertainment.

00:24:19 All the new forms have to push the risque limits in order to garner the most attention.

00:24:23 It's a recipe for disaster.

00:24:25 No, I mean about you being right.

00:24:27 You're almost never right, especially about how your precious TV is losing its luster.

00:24:30 Well, you tend to look past it and enjoy it for what it is.

00:24:33 I don't know, guys.

00:24:34 There's still some good stuff out there.

00:24:36 Like this hit new superhero show my internet blogging sites keep talking about.

00:24:39 This better not be another one of your stupid Asian cartoons.

00:24:42 Jeez, Matt, it's called anime, and no, this isn't.

00:24:45 Good, because I don't think I could take another five minutes of anime lines, over-expressions, and senseless emphasis.

00:24:51 What?

00:24:52 Oh, come on. Every anime is, "Hello! How are you doing?"

00:24:55 Well, it's none of that.

00:24:57 Yeah, we'll see.

00:24:58 Heads up.

00:24:59 Nice catch.

00:25:01 Wouldn't want to hurt your precious baby.

00:25:03 Hey.

00:25:04 That's all of our babies.

00:25:06 Okay, so...

00:25:08 [phone rings]

00:25:10 For Christ's sake.

00:25:14 [phone rings]

00:25:16 Hello?

00:25:19 Hi.

00:25:20 Yep.

00:25:22 Mm-hmm.

00:25:24 Right here.

00:25:26 It's Lisa.

00:25:29 Lisa!

00:25:30 Yes, Neil.

00:25:31 You still have more of my stuff.

00:25:34 Don't play coy, Neil. I know you're there.

00:25:37 It was the wrong number.

00:25:42 It was Lisa.

00:25:44 Is she seriously going to do this?

00:25:47 How about that show, Eric?

00:25:48 No way. I refuse to have my entertainment sphere be penetrated by this psycho.

00:25:51 Either you settle this, or I will.

00:25:54 Maybe it's not even her.

00:25:56 See?

00:25:59 Oh, that is it.

00:26:01 Lisa, you're being permanently disconnected.

00:26:04 Oh, man. I always wanted to have a bitch in one line like that.

00:26:08 Oh, that settles that.

00:26:10 That was extreme.

00:26:12 Hey, she had it coming.

00:26:14 Why do you always have to be the beaver in Neil's dam, Matt?

00:26:17 You've been causing a lot of problems lately.

00:26:20 Where do you come up with this stuff, Eric? That was actually pretty...

00:26:23 [phone rings]

00:26:25 He never answers the first one.

00:26:29 Just waiting it out.

00:26:31 There.

00:26:33 This is something else.

00:26:36 I swear to God.

00:26:38 Neil? What?

00:26:40 No, wait. Lisa has my phone.

00:26:42 Good call. I'm proud of you.

00:26:45 Just turned it off.

00:26:47 I hate when my dome is assaulted.

00:26:49 This is why girls are the root of all evil.

00:26:51 Let's just get to that show.

00:26:53 Maybe you should just talk to her. She has been very forward.

00:26:56 Eric!

00:26:57 Yeah, okay.

00:26:59 This is the College Crew!

00:27:02 Frat man with a stomach of infinite capacity!

00:27:07 Blade with the power of social invisibility!

00:27:10 Has a car, lad!

00:27:15 Who has a car?

00:27:17 And a mazo with the power of telekinesis!

00:27:22 Wow, what an awful show.

00:27:30 Yeah, why aren't any good superheroes made anymore?

00:27:33 Because they can't be the classic superheroes, like Batman.

00:27:36 Please, are you kidding me? Batman?

00:27:38 Come on, he wasn't that bad.

00:27:40 I don't give a shit about Batman. He's not a real superhero. He's got a lot of money.

00:27:43 He keeps a small boy in a cave.

00:27:45 Well, that's true. He did keep a small boy in a cave.

00:27:48 But he was a dark hero, bound to service by the events of his childhood.

00:27:51 That's not even the fucking problem.

00:27:53 He's basically Sherlock Holmes without the cool accent.

00:27:55 I'm gonna fight crime by being a detective!

00:27:57 Yeah, that's cool.

00:27:59 Oh, please. Who's your superhero?

00:28:01 Spider-Man.

00:28:03 The semen slinger?

00:28:05 At least he actually has superpowers.

00:28:07 Peter Parker's original conception was to make science cool and relate to other teenagers.

00:28:11 He was a high school student and he dealt with everyday problems. I could totally see that happening.

00:28:15 No, originally Peter Parker was a jock with brains.

00:28:18 Totally not happening.

00:28:20 At least Batman's a hero that you can go around saying,

00:28:22 "With a little hard work and studying, I could be him someday."

00:28:25 He wouldn't spend the rest of his life looking for a radioactive beetle.

00:28:28 Radioactive beetle...

00:28:30 Batman couldn't even keep his villains under control.

00:28:32 It's a nice job security, if you ask me.

00:28:34 A corporate entity such as Wayne Enterprises must have had a hand in sales such as security devices to shipping and construction.

00:28:39 Making sure his villains weren't truly locked away forever,

00:28:42 Batman had a pretty good guarantee that Gotham would be facing some tough times ahead.

00:28:45 He'd be making profit repairing all the destruction caused by his publicly hated thorns,

00:28:49 meanwhile ensuring a positive life for Batman and a financial foothold for Wayne Enterprises.

00:28:53 So you're saying Batman actually expects his villains to escape?

00:28:56 Totally. If he's so technologically advanced, how come each of his villains has escaped like a hundred times?

00:29:01 Well, you have to keep the cast of characters relatively contained.

00:29:04 People love seeing some of their favorite villains.

00:29:06 Sure, and Bruce Wayne profits from it all.

00:29:08 I mean, if you're here as the almighty dollar, then B-money's your man.

00:29:11 Well, what about Superman, guys? He's always been my hero.

00:29:14 Okay, talk about lame.

00:29:16 Yeah, totally, come on. Man of Steel, truth, justice, and the American way.

00:29:19 The only real American way is Captain America. It's in his fucking title.

00:29:22 Yeah, Superman's way too damn powerful to be a good hero.

00:29:25 Plus, we should do what we do with all illegal aliens and throw them out of the country.

00:29:29 Superman's character is all about the social struggles of being different.

00:29:32 Yeah, but he looks great in a fly in his Jack-Beyond-Belief.

00:29:35 Oh, yeah, that's totally a social outcast.

00:29:38 And yet everything is such a huge struggle for his super strength, too.

00:29:41 Like, he can stop a meteor from falling at 500 miles an hour, but he has trouble lifting a fucking car?

00:29:45 I mean, it's like super strength is the ability to be just strong enough for a given task.

00:29:49 What a crock of shit.

00:29:50 Yeah, totally.

00:29:51 I kind of like your show, Eric. College kids don't really act like that.

00:29:57 Yeah, though I could use an M.D.

00:30:00 I'll drive.

00:30:01 Woo-hoo! Team to myself.

00:30:05 Eric, hold the fort. And if Lisa comes around again, call the cops.

00:30:09 Jeez, dude, why do you gotta keep bringing her up? You can never be too careful.

00:30:12 No one hangs up on me!

00:30:14 Ah! She's still here!

00:30:18 Shit, dude.

00:30:19 What do we do? What do we do?

00:30:20 Why didn't you feel her with your sense?

00:30:22 I don't know.

00:30:23 Come on, Eric. You can't go out there now, not with her watching and waiting.

00:30:27 Lisa, what do you want?

00:30:28 Do you want me to say it in front of everyone? You know what I want!

00:30:32 No, I don't. That's why I asked you.

00:30:37 No, don't.

00:30:38 Shh. She's not over here.

00:30:40 I, uh, I think she saw you guys.

00:30:42 Neil, just open the door!

00:30:44 Don't, it's a trap.

00:30:45 I'm alright, Neil. I'm alright. Open the door.

00:30:50 I'm alright, Neil. Open the door. I just want to talk. I'm alright.

00:30:54 Open the door. I'm alright.

00:30:57 Neil, open the door. I just want to talk. I'm alright.

00:31:01 Come on, please?

00:31:03 Neil?

00:31:05 No way, man! I've seen this shit before. Don't do it!

00:31:07 Neil, just open the door. I just want to talk. I'm alright.

00:31:10 If she's serious, what if she just wants to talk?

00:31:12 No way, man! It's just a lure! All praying animals have one.

00:31:15 She's just trying to lull you into a false sense of security, then she's gonna put a fucking axe in your head!

00:31:19 Come on, man. You don't need this. Let's go.

00:31:21 Neil! Don't make a noise!

00:31:31 I think I should go talk to her.

00:31:32 No, no, no. Shh. You don't need to, alright? Shh.

00:31:35 I don't think you should listen to him, Neil.

00:31:37 Yeah? Listen to this.

00:31:39 (Sawing)

00:31:49 Hey there. I'm Steve, and this is Travels with Steve.

00:31:53 On today's adventure, we're gonna tell you all about beautiful Wister Mass.

00:31:57 Get out of here.

00:31:58 (Screaming)

00:32:00 (Screaming)

00:32:02 She's like a zombie or something, hanging around our door.

00:32:06 No way. A zombie would be smarter. Better looking, too.

00:32:09 Guys, zombies don't exist.

00:32:11 Oh yeah? That's what the government wants you to think.

00:32:13 Impossible.

00:32:14 You know, Ignatz is a zombie's greatest ally. Knowledge, their worst enemy.

00:32:18 So you're trying to tell us that the Walking Dead are real?

00:32:21 Why wouldn't they be? I mean, think about it.

00:32:23 There's hundreds of thousands of undiscovered plant and animal life out there in the world.

00:32:26 What's to say the Walking Dead isn't one of them?

00:32:28 Science. An organism that survives without the need for oxygen?

00:32:31 Evolution at its finest.

00:32:32 Animating a dead body?

00:32:34 Shutting down a currently functioning one by attacking the central part of the brain.

00:32:37 Restarting it as a shell of its former self, using electrical impulses already hardwired in all of us.

00:32:42 Craving for human flesh?

00:32:43 A myth. A source of energy isn't needed by the virus.

00:32:46 Though the hunt for living flesh is an unfortunate byproduct of it.

00:32:49 No way. Zombies aren't threatening. I can power walk faster than them.

00:32:52 Oh yeah? A zombie's power, unlike the mythical vampire or otherwise, is in its numbers, not the individual.

00:32:58 Their tirelessness and their sheer volume is what makes them so terrifying.

00:33:01 If you were confronted with one Zed, I'd hope you'd win, but now consider this entire block, or even this whole city, infested.

00:33:07 What would you do? Where would you go?

00:33:10 I'd, um... I'd go home. I live in the country.

00:33:14 Okay. Now consider the psychological threat.

00:33:17 What if your father, your mother, or even your best friend became infected?

00:33:21 How would you kill that?

00:33:23 The constant beating, banging, barraging on the door, disturbing you while you eat, sleep, or watch TV?

00:33:31 Stop it! You're scaring me.

00:33:33 There, there, Eric. Just trying to save you now while I can.

00:33:37 I'll take your mind off it.

00:33:50 The most terrifying thing is happening in your bed.

00:33:54 In the shower.

00:33:59 No matter where you run, you're going to be...

00:34:02 ...f***ed by fear.

00:34:06 You're not that scared... for a chick.

00:34:11 Summer 2012.

00:34:13 Tall ones cough and bottom ones ling, and the rest is marbles. The not-turtles is marbles.

00:34:19 The giant crabs are everywhere. Everyone, run for your lives. RUN!

00:34:23 Maybe that slut Lisa is infected or something.

00:34:28 Isn't that the cram I mentioned?

00:34:30 Hey, that's not nice.

00:34:31 Hey, I'm just saying. Maybe she's some sort of demon zombie who craves pissing off her ex-boyfriend and his TV-watching friends.

00:34:37 No. I mean calling her a... a slut. I don't think that's really nice of you.

00:34:42 Sorry, dude, but it comes with the territory. I mean, she was the one who decided to go all uber-bitch.

00:34:46 She can take her title with her.

00:34:48 Neil, I'm sure you don't think calling her a... is right next-girlfriend or not.

00:34:53 I don't know. I think she slept with about 12 guys. I think.

00:34:57 I never really asked her that. I guess that's kind of slutty if you care about that sort of thing.

00:35:01 Yeah, see? Total slut. It's not like she, I don't know, sucked 37 dicks or anything.

00:35:05 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's completely different.

00:35:07 Come on, guys. This isn't right.

00:35:09 What do you mean?

00:35:10 You're saying that sucking 37 dicks isn't as slutty as sleeping with 12 guys?

00:35:13 Totally not.

00:35:14 No way.

00:35:15 No way.

00:35:16 Eric, 37 dicks or 12 guys, which is sluttier?

00:35:19 I don't feel comfortable talking about this, guys.

00:35:21 Come on, douchebag. Man up and answer the question.

00:35:23 Well, I mean, sexual intercourse is something special shared between two lovers, and it shouldn't be entered in too lightly.

00:35:31 I think if a girl is just throwing herself around like that, well then, she's not a very good-willed girl.

00:35:37 I can see what you mean. It's just... 37 dicks is a lot of dick.

00:35:43 I don't think the term slut should be thrown around like a nickname.

00:35:46 You think slut? You think sex. 12 guys? Total slut.

00:35:49 This is like what? 21, 22...

00:35:51 23!

00:35:52 Right, 23. So let's say she gets her first lay when she's 18. That's like three guys per year. Total slut.

00:35:57 Well, by that method, let's say she was a teeny bopper and started experimenting when she was 15.

00:36:01 With 37 dicks, that's 5D per Y.

00:36:04 D per Y?

00:36:05 Yeah, D per Y. Dicks per year.

00:36:06 Oh.

00:36:07 That's not even considering her relationship spans.

00:36:09 Even if she wasn't sucking other dick during relationships, an average relationship span of, say, six months,

00:36:15 the frequency of dicks has to go up when she's single in order to maintain that 5D per Y.

00:36:20 Wow. I feel awful when I think of it like that.

00:36:25 At least I never did anything like that, though. I was just saying that to prove my point.

00:36:28 That was a mouthful.

00:36:31 You guys are awful saying things like that.

00:36:34 Man, that is a lot of dick. I'm gonna have to rethink this one.

00:36:37 Man, I could use a drink.

00:36:40 Yeah, me too.

00:36:42 What are you doing?

00:36:45 Not getting my drink.

00:36:47 Yeah, but you started with your hand on your nose.

00:36:49 That's the game.

00:36:50 No, that's total disqualification. You can't start with your finger on your nose.

00:36:53 What? Why?

00:36:55 'Cause then you could just never have to get your own stuff.

00:36:57 You get an advantage being the asker, but that's it. Sorry, dude.

00:37:00 I'll have an MD.

00:37:02 What?

00:37:03 Punishment for your crime against humanity.

00:37:05 Humanity?

00:37:06 Gonna make an example out of this one. Sorry, Eric.

00:37:08 You know, Matt, it seems like I'm always getting you a drink.

00:37:11 But someday, somebody else is gonna get mine.

00:37:15 Gotta pick your battles, man.

00:37:17 Hey!

00:37:28 Hey, nothing.

00:37:29 No, really. I think Lisa's gone.

00:37:31 Again? Maybe it's for good this time.

00:37:35 She can't really be gone.

00:37:37 Why don't you go check?

00:37:38 I can't.

00:37:39 Why not?

00:37:40 She might do something dumb. You saw the voodoo doll.

00:37:43 Maybe you're overthinking the situation. Your fear seems out of place.

00:37:46 I don't want to get my head cut off.

00:37:48 Look, Neil, you want her gone, but you're concerned that she is.

00:37:52 Why don't you reassess the situation and then talk to her?

00:37:55 Yeah, don't listen to this douchebag.

00:37:56 Alright, we've had so much fun today, just kicking back and watching TV.

00:37:59 It's like I said, girls are high maintenance and dangerous no matter who they are.

00:38:02 It's for the better.

00:38:03 Yeah, but--

00:38:04 You can work, come home, and watch TV.

00:38:06 We can make fun of Eric together.

00:38:07 It's worked for me and life is great.

00:38:09 Yeah, but don't you want more?

00:38:10 Hell no.

00:38:11 I know to go and get more just leads you down a troublesome trail.

00:38:14 I'd rather stick with what works.

00:38:15 Look, you tried to track down the love life path, and now you're shitting bricks because of it.

00:38:19 So you know what? Come back to the couch. Your seat's getting cold.

00:38:22 Neil, just check.

00:38:24 Lisa's been at this for some time now. Give her a chance.

00:38:26 Trust me, there might still be some electricity left in this one.

00:38:29 I think I'm going to listen to Eric on this one, man, alright?

00:38:33 It'll only be a minute.

00:38:34 I'm telling you, dude, security surrounds this couch.

00:38:37 I know it for certain. See you in a bit.

00:38:40 I'll wait here.

00:38:44 [Door opens]

00:39:12 Lisa!

00:39:13 Neil!

00:39:14 What the hell are you doing?

00:39:15 You weren't going to cut that cord, were you?

00:39:16 Am I not?

00:39:17 Do you want to shock yourself to death?

00:39:19 At this point I'd let you if it wasn't powering our TV.

00:39:21 Oh, of course, your precious TV.

00:39:23 Jeez, Neil, you've really taken a turn for the worse without me.

00:39:27 What the hell is wrong with you?

00:39:28 You've still got some of my stuff.

00:39:30 I was getting to that. You'll get it. I just want to be alone.

00:39:34 We are alone.

00:39:35 That's not what I meant. We want to watch TV in peace.

00:39:38 Is that it? Is that what you're going to do with yourself?

00:39:41 Just get a decent job and sit and settle?

00:39:43 I want more. You should know what my ambitions are.

00:39:45 Then get more. It's not going to come to you in some song and dance.

00:39:49 And those buffoons in there aren't going to help you.

00:39:52 Well, Matt isn't at least.

00:39:54 Those are my friends in there.

00:39:55 Well, you have to understand that there comes a time in life

00:39:58 where you have to start making decisions for yourself.

00:40:01 What choice are you going to make?

00:40:02 You're not going to make me do this, are you?

00:40:04 Damn it, Neil, if not now, then when?

00:40:06 Well, I'm certainly not going to choose you. You're crazy.

00:40:09 That wasn't the option. We're over, remember?

00:40:11 Yeah, good thing too.

00:40:13 You say that like it was some sort of prison sentence.

00:40:15 Well, I sure as hell feel free now.

00:40:17 Damn it, Neil, why are you siding with them?

00:40:19 I didn't even say anything about them.

00:40:21 You didn't have to.

00:40:22 I came out here to talk to you.

00:40:23 No, you came out here to save your precious TV time.

00:40:26 What, are you just watching the Spanish shopping channel again?

00:40:30 No, we've got a long stick.

00:40:32 Well, I'm not leaving until I get what's mine.

00:40:36 I know you're keeping them.

00:40:38 We want you to leave.

00:40:39 Why are you being such a bitch?

00:40:41 Me?

00:40:42 Didn't Matt send you down here to get rid of me?

00:40:45 No, I came out here on my own.

00:40:47 Liar. You can't make a decision for yourself, Neil.

00:40:50 You've got to have someone lead you around, or you'll just hang around and veg.

00:40:56 Hell, you've got a poor reason for hanging around here.

00:40:59 Damn it, I thought this was going to resolve something.

00:41:01 Just give me my stuff, and we'll solve this issue.

00:41:04 You're so damn possessive.

00:41:05 Don't just walk away from me.

00:41:07 What do you want me to do?

00:41:08 You want your stuff? You've already taken everything else that's mine.

00:41:10 Isn't that good enough for you?

00:41:11 No, not at all.

00:41:13 What do you even want them for, anyway?

00:41:16 You just want an excuse to stay here, don't you?

00:41:18 Yeah, you wish.

00:41:20 You're just trying to get me to lead through reverse psychology.

00:41:22 Well, it's not going to work.

00:41:24 What did I ever see in you?

00:41:25 Don't sell a relationship so short.

00:41:27 You couldn't enjoy it for what it was worth, remember?

00:41:31 Be louder.

00:41:33 Yeah, you certainly took a liking to that, didn't you?

00:41:35 You're an asshole.

00:41:37 That is really rubbing off on you.

00:41:39 Yeah, well, you're crazy.

00:41:41 I told you, don't just walk away from me.

00:41:43 Watch me.

00:41:45 Go to hell!

00:41:47 So what do you think?

00:41:53 Is it going to work out?

00:41:54 I think he should get mad at the drink.

00:41:55 Told you, dude. Total bitch, huh?

00:41:58 Neil, don't give up on her yet.

00:41:59 If you're trying to pass things up, Eric, you're a fool.

00:42:02 You're just overly concerned with what everyone else thinks of her.

00:42:05 She can't hate you.

00:42:06 She's doing everything in her power to bug the hell out of us.

00:42:09 She keeps a massacre doll of me.

00:42:11 She must really hate me.

00:42:13 Welcome back, dude.

00:42:19 Damn it, Matt.

00:42:20 Hey, I told you, stability.

00:42:22 I can assure you that she'll never treat you wrong.

00:42:24 I don't know.

00:42:25 I just can't help the feeling that Lisa's plotting something bigger.

00:42:28 It's not like she's going to blow up the apartment with her brain or anything.

00:42:31 So what do you think Eric's on to, anyway?

00:42:34 Probably just some Asian love-hate theory of his.

00:42:36 Like those animes he watches.

00:42:38 Oh, look. Here comes the matchmaker now.

00:42:41 How do they make it so green?

00:42:43 What?

00:42:44 Your drink. How do they make it so green?

00:42:46 It's like the ooze from Ninja Turtles.

00:42:49 You know, I always thought drinking MD would make me a turtle.

00:42:52 A turtle.

00:42:56 Not a martial artist. A turtle.

00:42:58 Yeah, I think you'd be evolving the wrong way if you turned into a turtle.

00:43:01 Well, then again, for you, that might be an improvement.

00:43:03 Did you guys know that the creators of the turtles took cheese graters

00:43:06 and they put them on their head and swung it around?

00:43:08 And that's how they came up with the idea for Shredder.

00:43:11 Is that what your blogs tell you?

00:43:13 Wiki.

00:43:14 Oh, right. My second guess.

00:43:15 You live on those websites, Eric.

00:43:17 And yet you stay culturally ignorant and socially dense.

00:43:19 Huh?

00:43:20 I wonder if you went in a fight between the Power Rangers and the Ninja Turtles.

00:43:23 Rangers?

00:43:24 Turtles.

00:43:25 I'm just surprised you know who the Power Rangers are.

00:43:27 Well, it did start out as a Japanese show called Super Sentai Series.

00:43:30 That's right. You're an Asian kid stuck in an American body.

00:43:33 How could I forget? You're such an Asi-Arican.

00:43:35 What?

00:43:36 Asi-Arican.

00:43:37 An American kid so enveloped in Asian culture that he forgets his own roots.

00:43:41 It's people like you that allow the teriyaki flood to come rushing into our country.

00:43:44 From food to fashion to entertainment.

00:43:46 What, is America not good enough for you?

00:43:48 You don't like our cheeseburgers and our fast cars?

00:43:50 That's a bit harsh, Matt.

00:43:52 It wouldn't be a fair fight anyway.

00:43:54 I mean, there's only four turtles and five Power Rangers.

00:43:56 No, it'd still be a fair fight.

00:43:57 They've got two girls, but just basically one dude.

00:43:59 Turtles would still win.

00:44:01 Tell him I do. The Rangers are way better.

00:44:03 Dude, they're basically just different nationalities wearing different colored spandex and talking to a giant fucking floating head.

00:44:08 Oh, because talking to a giant rat is cooler than that.

00:44:10 Hey, a genetically altered rat who knows martial arts, you can't beat that.

00:44:13 They're better trained and more hardcore than the Rainbow Crew.

00:44:16 Well, what about the Megazord?

00:44:18 Look, every Power Rangers episode is the same damn formula.

00:44:21 One, there's a normal human problem.

00:44:23 Billy's got homework.

00:44:24 Or Kimberly chipped a nail.

00:44:25 Oh, whatever.

00:44:26 Two, some big beastie comes down from outer space and gets fought by the Power Rangers.

00:44:29 Three, the creature gets fucking gigantic.

00:44:31 Four, the Rangers call out the Megazord and they go all Godzilla on the city, causing millions in structural and collateral damage.

00:44:37 And five, they finally get around to beating the monster and somehow manage to translate their success back to the problem at the beginning of the episode.

00:44:43 Why do they always repeat? There's no way they could beat the better trained turtles.

00:44:46 Well, the pattern is because the American show is comprised of footage from the original Japanese series.

00:44:51 He's right.

00:44:52 Bullshit.

00:44:53 No, really, go back and watch the show. They were smart to use helmets to conceal the actors.

00:44:56 The American show just cannibalized the footage from the Japanese one.

00:44:59 Going all Godzilla was just a result of the Japanese audience's loving that man in a rubber suit type stuff.

00:45:04 The Yellow Ranger was originally a dude in Japan.

00:45:06 That's why she didn't wear a skirt.

00:45:08 Whatever, they still couldn't beat the turtles.

00:45:10 But they had the Megazord!

00:45:11 Oh, so you're assuming they can use everything at their disposal?

00:45:13 Of course they'd fucking win. They'd fucking stomp the turtles with their huge fucking robot.

00:45:17 Turtles had a blimp?

00:45:18 Shut up, Eric.

00:45:19 It'd be like pinning a meat-covered baby against a... pit bull.

00:45:23 So they would win.

00:45:25 Shut up, Eric.

00:45:26 Get my pocket knife out of here.

00:45:28 What the... what the hell?

00:45:31 Oh, no, that's a midget knife.

00:45:32 Yeah, that's a knife.

00:45:34 Dude, it's a tower.

00:45:36 Seriously, a tower. You don't see that every day.

00:45:39 A tower.

00:45:40 A medieval tower.

00:45:42 Can you imagine this with cannons and knights and s***?

00:45:44 Wow, wow.

00:45:47 Jesus Christ, how'd you ever become a doctor?

00:45:49 Little boys in your veins.

00:45:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:55 Fight the fight, I'll fight the fight.

00:45:57 Yeah, I live for nothing, I die for creed.

00:45:59 Creed, ah!

00:46:00 Pain in the ass, I gave you an Oscar-winning performance last time.

00:46:04 And now you come around and chase me with a camera.

00:46:06 Now I know what it feels like to have the paparazzi chase you around, 'cause you're so damn popular.

00:46:11 This is Excel.

00:46:13 Yo, yo, yo, my main man Luke here, spore in a 1960 pre-Cold War short stack.

00:46:18 He's been suffering with his crude cue for some time.

00:46:21 Watch what happens when we take his limb blocker and turn it into a pimp blocker.

00:46:26 Oh, s***, is that my locker?

00:46:28 No, that... is that my locker?

00:46:30 Oh, my... is that my... that is my locker!

00:46:32 Oh, s***!

00:46:33 Oh, my God!

00:46:34 Oh, mother...

00:46:35 Oh, man, it's so...

00:46:37 Check out the spinners!

00:46:39 The spinners!

00:46:40 Oh, my God!

00:46:42 Oh, s***!

00:46:43 Oh, s***!

00:46:44 Yeah!

00:46:45 Yeah!

00:46:46 Oh, s***!

00:46:47 Oh, yeah!

00:46:48 Oh, my God!

00:46:49 Oh, man, it's so beautiful, I just want to rub up against it!

00:46:53 Oh, it's... oh, it's amazing!

00:46:55 It's so...

00:46:56 Oh, jeez!

00:46:57 Oh, my God!

00:46:58 Oh, my God, all the honeys are gonna be wanting to put their books in my locker!

00:47:02 Oh, oh, yeah!

00:47:03 Oh, s***!

00:47:04 Oh, yeah!

00:47:05 It's the only way I can get through the day.

00:47:08 [SIGHS]

00:47:10 Jeez, man, don't drop it in the ass.

00:47:20 Yeah, what are you doing?

00:47:22 I'm trying to see if Lisa's still here.

00:47:24 Why?

00:47:25 Anything?

00:47:27 No.

00:47:28 She must really be gone.

00:47:30 I didn't want to embarrass you, Neil, but now I really don't care!

00:47:34 I want my bras back!

00:47:36 Guys, do you know what this means?

00:47:37 To finally have the support you always dreamed of.

00:47:40 No, that I can't sense her anymore.

00:47:42 She must be getting around it somehow.

00:47:44 Maybe you don't sense your ex-girlfriends, but you only sense people who think of you as an ex-boyfriend.

00:47:51 Which would mean, if she's starting to like you again, you can't sense her.

00:47:55 That's ridiculous.

00:47:57 Get off the couch, Eric.

00:47:59 But...

00:48:00 No, no, no more ridiculous ideas.

00:48:02 I don't know, guys.

00:48:03 I think I'm onto something.

00:48:05 If she's thinking of you as a boyfriend and all the mushy stuff that comes along with that,

00:48:08 I could definitely explain why you can't sense her.

00:48:11 It'd be like if she doesn't kill me, let alone while thinking of me as a boyfriend when she doesn't.

00:48:15 Oh, God, this is divine.

00:48:17 TV is so much nicer with luxury seating.

00:48:19 You guys are so lame!

00:48:21 All you do is watch TV!

00:48:23 Neil, I'm leaving!

00:48:24 Sure this time?

00:48:25 Is she really going?

00:48:27 This could be it, Neil.

00:48:28 She might really be leaving.

00:48:30 Who cares?

00:48:31 Shh!

00:48:32 Seriously, you gotta just chill out, man.

00:48:34 Chill out, man. Come on.

00:48:35 Shh!

00:48:36 Just relax. Be happy for once.

00:48:39 Matt, will you just let...

00:48:40 Shh!

00:48:41 Oh, shit!

00:48:44 She's coming in.

00:48:48 Do something.

00:48:49 What do you want me to do?

00:48:50 Lock the door.

00:48:51 It is locked!

00:48:52 Brace it!

00:48:53 Come on, Eric! Help!

00:48:57 I don't want to impede their luck!

00:48:59 Eric!

00:49:00 I thought you said this was locked!

00:49:02 I thought it was locked!

00:49:03 Guys, it is locked! I locked it!

00:49:05 The door is clearly not locked!

00:49:07 God, fucking door!

00:49:09 Fucking slumlord!

00:49:12 Damn it, Lisa! Just go away!

00:49:15 You guys, it's just me!

00:49:16 Scott?

00:49:17 Jeez, what the hell was that about?

00:49:21 Sorry, I forgot you were coming.

00:49:22 Why didn't you call?

00:49:23 I did call. You weren't picking up your phone.

00:49:25 I mean, we even called the house phone, too.

00:49:27 We? Oh, great. That's it. I'm done.

00:49:29 What's wrong, Matt?

00:49:30 Shannon?

00:49:31 Yeah, we had the double date tonight, remember?

00:49:33 What's with the security?

00:49:35 Lisa's got a bee in her bonnet.

00:49:37 A bee in her bonnet?

00:49:39 Yeah, like she's pissed off.

00:49:41 Why didn't you say that?

00:49:42 What did you do to her?

00:49:45 Me? I didn't do anything.

00:49:47 Well, you must have, otherwise she wouldn't be mad.

00:49:50 Why do you have to say it like that?

00:49:51 Because if you didn't start something or just listen to her, then she wouldn't be flipping out right now.

00:49:56 She's crazy! Why would I--

00:49:57 Dude, no. Don't.

00:49:59 Sometimes it's just easier.

00:50:02 Good boy.

00:50:03 Now, shall we?

00:50:05 I don't want to be a third wheel. I'm fine just watching TV.

00:50:08 Come on, we have tickets already.

00:50:10 Why don't you just beg Lisa for her forgiveness and smooth it over with some flowers and chocolate?

00:50:15 Yeah, this can still work out.

00:50:17 You know what, Shannon? Maybe we can cancel tonight.

00:50:20 I mean, there are other things we can do.

00:50:22 No! No, we're not just going to--

00:50:27 It's been like this all day, Eric?

00:50:29 Yep. It's not so bad. I just think Lisa and Neil aren't completely over.

00:50:34 Wait, they broke up?

00:50:36 Supposedly. I think that right now, they're more concerned with what each other thinks of the other.

00:50:42 What?

00:50:44 Neil thinks Lisa wants to kill him.

00:50:46 Oh. Would she?

00:50:50 I think she still loves him, but Matt would say otherwise.

00:50:53 Not, huh?

00:50:56 [door slams]

00:50:57 Where'd you put those things?

00:51:04 Ah.

00:51:05 Here you go, champ.

00:51:09 You lost your couch privileges, huh?

00:51:23 Yeah.

00:51:25 You, uh, do know there were chairs here, right?

00:51:28 We can't use those. That would break with tradition.

00:51:31 Hmm. So...

00:51:36 This is it?

00:51:38 Listen, I don't know how you slipped past our defenses, but you should be on some double trouble date with Neil and Lisa.

00:51:43 But you screwed that up, and now you're sitting here with us. Enjoy the privilege.

00:51:46 Well, I didn't mean to offend your child, Matt.

00:51:49 I just wanted to shed a little light on this matter of obsession, and not a light coming from a box.

00:51:53 No, you just wanted us to know that you're against our TV-watching ways. What's so wrong with this?

00:51:57 What do you got here?

00:51:58 Pizza pie. It's for a TV-watching experience. You want some?

00:52:01 No, thanks.

00:52:02 I was talking to Scott.

00:52:04 So, Neil, don't you think you should see what Lisa's doing?

00:52:07 He's fine right here, watching some top-notch programming.

00:52:10 I was talking to Neil.

00:52:11 Oh. I really don't think it's such a good idea. Besides, Matt says this is for the best.

00:52:15 Well, Matt also thinks that toasted bread has fewer calories.

00:52:19 The toaster burned some of them away.

00:52:21 This is what I'm trying to say.

00:52:22 That toasted bread has fewer calories?

00:52:25 No, that Neil shouldn't be led around by Matt.

00:52:27 I'm not leading him around.

00:52:28 Oh, yeah? Well, then why doesn't Neil try getting back together with her?

00:52:32 She told me things were really heating up between you two.

00:52:34 Yeah, I bet they were heating up.

00:52:35 What is that supposed to mean?

00:52:36 Look, girls think every relationship is some kind of firework show.

00:52:39 Like, every love is supposed to be a set of rose petal trails and palms.

00:52:42 It's a fabrication by the media, depicting a world of rainbows and lollipops,

00:52:45 making it real tough on guys everywhere.

00:52:47 Sometimes guys just want to hang out with guys, kick it back, shoot the shit.

00:52:50 What is so wrong with that?

00:52:51 If guys worked a little harder at what they claim to love, then there wouldn't be trouble in love land.

00:52:56 Guys are too preoccupied with what their next meal is or when the next TV show is on

00:53:01 to give a damn at a relationship.

00:53:03 Hey!

00:53:04 Is that my Scott?

00:53:05 That's because Scott is whipped beyond belief.

00:53:08 No, he's not.

00:53:09 He totally is. You got him whipped to be the boy you want him to be.

00:53:11 Matt, you're just jealous.

00:53:15 Yeah.

00:53:16 Yeah, sure. I want to be dressed like Scott.

00:53:18 I read your book the other day, by the way. "The Whipping Boy."

00:53:20 You don't read books, Matt.

00:53:22 Good one, Eric.

00:53:23 Scott, tell him you're not whipped.

00:53:25 Scott!

00:53:26 Well...

00:53:27 Tell him!

00:53:28 I'm not whipped!

00:53:30 See?

00:53:31 Wow. Yeah, you proved me wrong.

00:53:34 That was kind of gross.

00:53:36 What?

00:53:37 You just bent over backwards for us, Scott.

00:53:40 I thought you were going to put up a struggle or something, but...

00:53:43 you snapped like a twig bridge.

00:53:46 I did not bend for her.

00:53:48 Dude, you totally did.

00:53:50 No, he didn't.

00:53:51 Scott, stand up for yourself.

00:53:53 I didn't, guys.

00:53:56 Jeez, Scott. Stop.

00:53:59 I'm sorry you have to see this, Eric.

00:54:01 This is not a good model for a growing boy.

00:54:03 Matt, you are something else.

00:54:05 You think you're the ringleader now that Neil is out of a girlfriend.

00:54:08 Well, he didn't make her flip out.

00:54:10 Yeah, well, he might as well have.

00:54:12 Matt's sense of being in a relationship is that he's made out with a couple of MD more times than he needs to.

00:54:17 You have no--

00:54:18 Me what?

00:54:20 It's sort of unsettling knowing that this couch has seen more ass than you ever will.

00:54:25 You have no idea what you're talking about.

00:54:29 Oh, no?

00:54:30 Have I struck a nerve with you, Matt?

00:54:32 I just want you to get a little taste of your own medicine.

00:54:34 Jeez, Scott, you're good, man.

00:54:35 Shut up, Eric.

00:54:36 Oh, that's original.

00:54:38 Pick on a little guy to boost yourself up.

00:54:40 Are you done yet?

00:54:41 Do you like it?

00:54:43 Like what?

00:54:45 The satisfaction of making other people's lives feel broken and imperfect, thus completing your own.

00:54:51 Come on, Shannon.

00:54:54 No. I just think we've had these tickets forever.

00:54:57 And Matt's gone and ruined Neil's relationship for his own satisfaction.

00:55:01 I didn't ruin anything.

00:55:03 Well, you did tell him to start trying to lead his life without Lisa.

00:55:05 I didn't make the decision for him.

00:55:07 But you had a big influence.

00:55:08 I'm just trying to bring that to light.

00:55:10 That's what I've been hearing.

00:55:12 But Matt over here is too deaf and dumb to take it to heart.

00:55:15 Yeah, if I thought what you said made any sort of sense, I wouldn't do this.

00:55:18 Do what?

00:55:19 Now, you see, what we have here is the beautiful Worcester skyline, covered in trees.

00:55:23 But thanks to the saving grace of the Asian longhorn beetle, these godawful obstructions will soon be gone.

00:55:28 Forever.

00:55:29 Come on, get out of here.

00:55:30 I'm working on the damn thing.

00:55:33 Anthony, you got the lowest score on the test.

00:55:35 I'm afraid you'll never be a doctor.

00:55:37 [howling]

00:55:40 Cal, Cal, give me your diploma.

00:55:42 You wouldn't have a hot damn camera.

00:55:44 Captain freaking video.

00:55:46 All right, are you done now?

00:55:48 Yo, this ain't your grandmama's show.

00:55:51 It's Dope TV.

00:55:52 Just call up and we'll do sh*t.

00:55:54 1-800-DOPE-TV.

00:55:56 What? That's not enough numbers?

00:55:59 Put a pound sign in there.

00:56:01 Anywhere. We'll figure it out.

00:56:03 Dope TV!

00:56:06 Hmm. Now's my chance.

00:56:09 Scott and Janet have never played this before.

00:56:11 They won't know what hit 'em.

00:56:13 What if I don't make it?

00:56:15 I will.

00:56:16 Let's do it.

00:56:18 I sure could use a drink.

00:56:21 [heartbeat]

00:56:23 [pop]

00:56:40 What? How?

00:56:44 Take the walk, Eric.

00:56:45 I'm sorry, Eric. You know you don't have to do this.

00:56:48 Matt says it's the rules.

00:56:50 I was the last one to touch my nose.

00:56:52 Matt also says that dogs roll around in the dirt for minerals.

00:56:55 Really? Well then how do they get such nice shiny coats then?

00:56:58 The point is, you don't have to be listening to him.

00:57:01 Yeah, maybe.

00:57:03 But this is how it is.

00:57:05 See? I didn't make that choice for him.

00:57:11 Well, you could have influenced him to make the right decision.

00:57:14 What is right, anyway?

00:57:15 He's got you there.

00:57:16 Scott, don't team up with him.

00:57:18 Neil, haven't you had enough of this?

00:57:21 I don't think this situation is improving.

00:57:23 Why aren't you listening to Eric?

00:57:25 Eric? I tried and it just stirred up some old flames.

00:57:28 Maybe I don't think Lisa's ever gonna change.

00:57:30 Besides, what's wrong with all this?

00:57:32 This? This slump of mindlessness?

00:57:35 Hey, watch it, alright? You're treading on thin ice.

00:57:37 This is my sphere of entertainment you're talking about.

00:57:39 Sphere of entertainment? Don't make it sound so regal.

00:57:42 This place has been tuned to perform at its peak level.

00:57:44 You blocked the windows with posters.

00:57:47 Well, there is a nasty glare without them.

00:57:49 You have a giant-ass remote that you talk to.

00:57:51 Hey, whoa! Don't talk about Howie that way.

00:57:53 Yeah, he's family.

00:57:54 I'm just saying that this sphere isn't offering an environment to grow.

00:57:58 Come on, Shannon, this is kind of nice. It's quiet, quaint.

00:58:01 I mean, we don't really sit around like this that often.

00:58:03 We're always doing... stuff.

00:58:05 Right. This is why I don't let you watch TV. It sucks you in.

00:58:09 That's why I don't let you go back to Lisa.

00:58:11 See? You are holding him back.

00:58:12 She's just going to continue to hate and hurt until she gets her stuff back.

00:58:15 Then why don't you just give it all back then?

00:58:17 Yeah, lure her back here and just smack her.

00:58:19 You want me to go to jail, dude?

00:58:20 Hey, just don't call me, remember?

00:58:21 Matt, you're terrible.

00:58:23 I mean, aren't there equal rights nowadays?

00:58:25 Oh, you would say that, you caveman.

00:58:27 Hey, just saying.

00:58:29 Well, you shouldn't.

00:58:31 Say something, Scott.

00:58:33 Uh, yeah. Yeah, Matt, don't... say such things.

00:58:39 I'm just saying, if I had to deal with someone like Lisa,

00:58:42 I could take a smack every now and then when they're out of line.

00:58:44 Equal rights means equal opportunity to defend oneself.

00:58:46 Yeah, I don't think it works like that.

00:58:48 I mean, just because you, you know, spend time with your lover, you know,

00:58:51 listen to her wants and needs,

00:58:53 you know, you can just put some tampons in your pocket for her once in a while.

00:58:57 It doesn't give you the right to be a woman.

00:59:00 Tampons in the pocket?

00:59:02 Dude.

00:59:04 What?

00:59:05 There are just some lines that shouldn't be crossed.

00:59:07 You put tampons in your pocket.

00:59:09 You make him put tampons in his pocket.

00:59:11 When we go hiking or wherever, a purse would be a burden.

00:59:15 Well, don't touch them!

00:59:17 Dude, that's not the point. That's a violation of your personal space.

00:59:19 You're violating his personal space.

00:59:21 What is the big deal?

00:59:23 What if you get pulled over by the cops or something and they search you?

00:59:25 You're gonna look like some kind of weirdo.

00:59:27 You gotta defend your limits, dude. I mean, with girls, you gotta be ruthless.

00:59:29 Oh, is that panning out for you?

00:59:31 Not like you look like a dead dog carrier.

00:59:33 Scott, don't.

00:59:35 For her, do tell.

00:59:37 Happened back in Bean Town.

00:59:39 Shannon carries around dead dogs. You carry around dead dogs.

00:59:41 It's more than just that.

00:59:43 How can it be more than that?

00:59:45 It has to do with my friend's dog.

00:59:47 While I was dog-sitting it, it died.

00:59:49 I put the dog into some luggage to take it to the vet,

00:59:51 and as I was getting out to the subway,

00:59:53 a guy stopped to help me because I was struggling.

00:59:55 And why am I even telling you this?

00:59:57 Oh, you're too far in. You can't stop now.

00:59:59 I don't want Matt to hear it.

01:00:01 What?

01:00:03 What happened to Matt over the years?

01:00:05 Well, he asked me why I had such heavy luggage,

01:00:07 and I told him it was computer parts.

01:00:09 And when I got to my stop,

01:00:11 I went to thank him,

01:00:13 and he punched me in the face,

01:00:15 and he took the luggage, and he ran.

01:00:17 He punched you in the face?

01:00:19 Damn it, Matt!

01:00:21 He really punched you in the face?

01:00:23 Yeah, he did.

01:00:25 I couldn't believe it either.

01:00:27 What did the guy seem like? Was he sketchy looking?

01:00:29 No, the guy was in a suit and tie. It was totally unexpected.

01:00:31 I don't believe you.

01:00:33 I think I must think you're some kind of freak carrying around dead dogs.

01:00:35 Oh, my God.

01:00:37 You're going to get remembered as the girl who carries around dead dogs forever.

01:00:39 It just goes to show you that men are up to no good.

01:00:41 No, it just goes to show you

01:00:43 that you should have defended your limits

01:00:45 and told your friends to go pick up their own damn dead dog.

01:00:47 See, Neil, this is why you shouldn't be getting back with Lisa.

01:00:49 She's just going to end up killing your dog.

01:00:51 Well, I don't have a dog.

01:00:53 Yeah, and you don't have tampons in your pockets either.

01:00:55 That's true. I don't want that.

01:00:57 Scott, let's salvage this night and go see that play.

01:00:59 Do we have to?

01:01:01 Yes, Scott. Look at this place.

01:01:03 What does it have that makes you want to stay in this dump?

01:01:05 The cave of entertainment.

01:01:07 Come on, Scott. I'm done here.

01:01:09 You're blocking the damn TV.

01:01:11 Scott, we're leaving.

01:01:13 You know what?

01:01:15 I think I want to stay.

01:01:17 Call a girlfriend to go out with you.

01:01:19 Excuse me?

01:01:21 Dude, reconsider.

01:01:23 I don't know what you're trying to pull here, Matt,

01:01:25 but I have worked too hard on this one

01:01:27 and I'm going to let some brain box

01:01:29 pose a bigger influence on him than me.

01:01:31 Just go. Just go.

01:01:33 Save us. This could get worse.

01:01:35 I just want to watch TV with the guys.

01:01:37 Yeah, you want that?

01:01:39 Yeah, I do.

01:01:41 Yeah? Grab your ear, then.

01:01:43 And you two, you better stop watching this thing

01:01:45 before you choke on stupid.

01:01:47 [Groaning]

01:01:49 Eric, we're leaving.

01:02:01 What? Larry Singer is on next.

01:02:03 We love him.

01:02:05 Do you really like being here with them?

01:02:07 You know, Shannon, sometimes it's just easier.

01:02:09 Yeah, and cheaper sometimes, too.

01:02:11 Scott, we're going.

01:02:13 Yes, ma'am.

01:02:15 See you guys, ma'am.

01:02:17 Boys.

01:02:19 We have a unique bond here.

01:02:21 Maybe you just can't see it.

01:02:23 I just know what works for me and Scott.

01:02:25 But I want you to think about

01:02:27 what you could be missing in the rest of the world.

01:02:29 We're making our own memories here.

01:02:31 What's so good about the rest of the world?

01:02:33 What about

01:02:35 starting a relationship

01:02:37 and having a family?

01:02:39 I have a family.

01:02:41 One where their IQ passes their age.

01:02:43 I like my friends.

01:02:45 You like your couch spot, too.

01:02:47 Yeah.

01:02:49 I'm just saying,

01:02:51 I think Matt's been shaken up

01:02:53 with a woman on his turf.

01:02:55 Maybe with his defenses down, you can get your point across to Neil.

01:02:57 Eric, Singer's starting.

01:02:59 Coming.

01:03:01 Bye, Shannon.

01:03:03 Hey, Eric.

01:03:09 How's the MD?

01:03:11 Gotta pick your battles, man.

01:03:13 So they gone or what?

01:03:15 Yeah, they're gone.

01:03:17 Man, I was getting worried.

01:03:19 I hate having to defend my sphere from women.

01:03:21 Matt, what's a chode?

01:03:23 What?

01:03:25 Before. You called me a chode. What's that?

01:03:27 Ah, geez. Well, it's like a...

01:03:29 It's like a... It's a chode.

01:03:33 It's like, um...

01:03:37 It's sort of like...

01:03:39 Kind of...

01:03:41 Down here or something?

01:03:43 Like, I guess...

01:03:45 What the hell is that? That doesn't tell me shit.

01:03:47 Well, screw you. It's hard to describe.

01:03:49 Sure as hell try.

01:03:51 No way. I'm just taking a page out of your book.

01:03:53 You can't do that.

01:03:55 I just did, you stupid chode.

01:03:57 What do you even want to know, anyway?

01:03:59 Because I keep a list of everything you call me on my blog.

01:04:01 I can't even tell if you're serious or not.

01:04:03 You know, it's kind of reminding me of a fish head.

01:04:05 You know, a chode of a fish head.

01:04:07 I'm glad you're here to help me out.

01:04:09 Alright, look. I got it. Remember Brian from school?

01:04:11 Who?

01:04:13 Brian. He was all, like, tiny and deformed.

01:04:15 Had, like, short arms and fingers and shit like that.

01:04:17 Oh, yeah. Didn't he have some rare deformation that screwed with his bones?

01:04:19 I don't know.

01:04:21 Anyway, he's chodey.

01:04:23 Huh. Well, I'm still not really clear on what a chode is,

01:04:25 but I guess I'll just think of Brian whenever I hear it.

01:04:27 Great.

01:04:29 Poor guy can't go one day without someone using his physical deformations as an example.

01:04:31 If it gets used as an example, it helps the learning process.

01:04:33 He shouldn't always be painted in a way that's not chodey.

01:04:35 Yes.

01:04:37 He shouldn't always be painted in a negative light like that.

01:04:39 Now Eric's going to think of Brian every time he hears "chode."

01:04:41 Sorry. Object association is the best way to remember it.

01:04:43 It's how I do it.

01:04:45 What, do you associate girls with, like, knives or paint or something?

01:04:47 No way.

01:04:49 Above all that, my wallet.

01:04:51 I just got to remember how much girls I actually require.

01:04:53 Unless you find one with a good rate.

01:04:55 Of course.

01:04:57 You ever think that letting a girl into your life might actually change it for the better?

01:04:59 No.

01:05:01 I couldn't picture a man with a significant other.

01:05:03 I thought she was totally succumbing to his demands.

01:05:05 I mean, unable to stay quiet.

01:05:07 Unable to react quickly to changing circumstances.

01:05:09 Like a computer.

01:05:11 So you're saying I need a robot girlfriend?

01:05:13 Oh yeah.

01:05:15 I'm sure your thumb drive will fit her USB port just fine.

01:05:17 At least it's not like Brian.

01:05:19 Chode?

01:05:21 Oh, come on.

01:05:23 Look, all I'm saying is he's so short and squat.

01:05:25 Reminds me of a dwarf.

01:05:27 I thought he was a chode.

01:05:29 Same thing. Just my thumb drive functions way better than his tunic and dick.

01:05:31 What?

01:05:33 Dwarves are so chodey and squat and short, they gotta have tunic and dicks.

01:05:35 I'll never look at Gimli the same way again.

01:05:39 Yeah, just a fact of life.

01:05:41 Poor guy. It's gotta be tough handling a stunt nose like that.

01:05:43 He probably deals with it the same way we all deal with our small problems.

01:05:45 Reading a book.

01:05:47 Just kidding.

01:05:53 You know what?

01:05:55 Let's bring him out. Let's bring him out here.

01:05:57 Yeah!

01:05:59 Bullshit!

01:06:01 Bullshit!

01:06:03 He's my man!

01:06:05 No, just because you were born a man.

01:06:07 You want a resolution? Let's get a resolution.

01:06:09 That's resolution!

01:06:11 That is resolution!

01:06:13 You just want to make me look like a dick.

01:06:15 You can't compare to that bullshit.

01:06:17 That's my dick!

01:06:19 That's my dick!

01:06:21 You're a fucking dick!

01:06:23 You're a fucking dick!

01:06:25 You're a fucking dick!

01:06:27 You're a fucking dick!

01:06:29 I'll beat you up.

01:06:31 No, I'm throwing this shit.

01:06:33 I'm throwing this shit.

01:06:35 Don't, fat!

01:06:37 We'll be right back.

01:06:39 Wow.

01:06:41 There's so much swearing on this show.

01:06:43 Why do they have to beep it out?

01:06:45 Yeah, I know. We know what they're saying. Why can't they just let it go?

01:06:47 It's probably just a cultural preservation thing.

01:06:49 To keep the public away from it for as long as fucking possible.

01:06:51 Yeah, but it cuts out the dialogue.

01:06:53 And it makes everyone sound like a robot.

01:06:55 In that case, R2-D2 probably cusses like a fucking sailor.

01:06:57 All it does is bloop and bleep.

01:06:59 What?

01:07:01 Think about it. If all the other bots could speak,

01:07:03 why wouldn't they put voice modulators into the R2 models?

01:07:05 He probably didn't need one.

01:07:07 I mean, wasn't his job just to talk to the ships?

01:07:09 The R2 models must have been programmed to cuss like hell.

01:07:11 And to preserve the culture of the galaxy, they were all bleeped.

01:07:13 So you're saying that every time R2-D2 makes any noises,

01:07:15 he's cussing like a truck driver?

01:07:17 R2, shut down all the garbage compactors on the detention levels.

01:07:19 No, shut them all down.

01:07:21 Oh, hell no. I'm not going to shut them all down.

01:07:23 Oh, hell no. I'm not sticking my fucking dick into another fucking computer.

01:07:25 Last time I did that, I got a fucking virus, you son of a bitch.

01:07:27 You hacked that shit yourself, you asshole.

01:07:29 Wow.

01:07:31 That's disturbing.

01:07:33 Oh, right, R2.

01:07:35 We'll take care of everything.

01:07:37 Yeah, you better, you fucking...

01:07:39 Seriously, what the fuck?

01:07:41 I used to have my jets. Where the hell did they go?

01:07:43 I want my flamethrower back.

01:07:45 I can't do shit with this little fucking taser thing I got.

01:07:47 I used to fucking fly. Can you believe that?

01:07:49 You have any idea how fucking annoying that is to roll around in a plane?

01:07:51 You have any idea how fucking annoying that is to roll around in a plane?

01:07:53 When I could fucking fly at one point?

01:07:55 God damn it, you tell them to suck my fucking little metal dick.

01:07:57 God damn it, you tell them to suck my fucking little metal dick.

01:07:59 Only use your time for something more constructive.

01:08:01 Only use your time for something more constructive.

01:08:03 Yeah, if I had 10% of the free time you have,

01:08:05 I'd have like, 7 extra hours in my day.

01:08:07 You're saying my days have 70 hours in them?

01:08:09 You're saying my days have 70 hours in them?

01:08:11 Yeah. Yeah, you're that lazy.

01:08:13 Okay, whatever.

01:08:15 Can I get back on the couch now?

01:08:17 Sorry, Eric. The couch is for winners.

01:08:19 Bullshit!

01:08:21 I am sick and tired of this, Matt.

01:08:23 You are not right.

01:08:25 Turn off the TV.

01:08:27 Fuck no.

01:08:29 I've tried to be nice, but I don't think I can take it anymore.

01:08:31 Eric, turn the fucking TV-

01:08:33 Quiet! Do you hear that?

01:08:35 No, it's completely quiet.

01:08:39 Listen.

01:08:41 God.

01:08:43 It is quiet.

01:08:47 Maybe Lisa's really gone.

01:08:49 Exactly. They can watch TV in peace.

01:08:51 No, Matt. I have to do this.

01:08:53 Maybe she's still here.

01:08:55 And maybe she's not.

01:08:57 Maybe we should go check.

01:08:59 I still think there's something here, Neil.

01:09:01 You and Lisa have been longing for each other, but you express it through your anger.

01:09:03 It's too dangerous. This could all be part of her plan.

01:09:05 Or in your case, it's paranoia.

01:09:07 I listened to you before, Eric.

01:09:09 What's going to change now?

01:09:11 You, Neil. You have to change.

01:09:13 You can't keep wanting what other people want you to want.

01:09:15 You have to do whatever it is that you really do want.

01:09:17 What?

01:09:19 A life living in fear is a life half-lived.

01:09:21 It sounds to me like you don't want Lisa to be gone.

01:09:23 Aren't you at least curious whether she wants you back or not?

01:09:25 Or do you just want to watch some more TV?

01:09:27 No way, Neil. Look. This is for the better, alright?

01:09:29 You can watch way more TV without her.

01:09:31 Don't you want more than that, Neil?

01:09:33 I do.

01:09:35 What if she's waiting for you right now?

01:09:37 I have to go get her.

01:09:39 Well, she's certainly not going to come to you.

01:09:41 She's been trying, but you keep the door locked.

01:09:43 It doesn't matter what I want.

01:09:45 I just want to help you make the right choice.

01:09:47 We should check if she's still here.

01:09:49 Matt, go get the door.

01:09:51 Eric, check that window. I'll get this one.

01:09:53 Ready? Go.

01:09:55 Clear!

01:10:03 Clear.

01:10:05 All clear here, too.

01:10:11 I guess she's really gone.

01:10:13 I wonder where she went.

01:10:15 Who cares? Seriously, dude.

01:10:17 It's probably just post-traumatic breakup residue or something.

01:10:19 It'll pass.

01:10:21 Look, we got a good thing here. Let's just keep it forever, yeah?

01:10:23 I just thought I was onto something.

01:10:25 Jeez, Bruce.

01:10:27 Thanks for coming out here on such short notice to see me.

01:10:29 I know you have that deadline

01:10:31 for that new office building next Monday

01:10:33 and your car just got towed and...

01:10:35 Hey, I only had to take two buses and a cab to get here.

01:10:37 You're worth it.

01:10:39 I just really needed to talk to someone.

01:10:41 I can see that.

01:10:43 You sounded distressed when I talked to her on the phone.

01:10:45 Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.

01:10:47 I just want to talk to

01:10:49 someone else about anything else.

01:10:51 Okay, how about politics?

01:10:53 No way! Politics are terrible.

01:10:55 It's about who has the most poll

01:10:57 or the most money.

01:10:59 It's not even a representation of the people anymore.

01:11:01 Don't even get me started.

01:11:03 Okay, fine. How about superpowers?

01:11:05 Oh, yeah?

01:11:07 What about them?

01:11:09 I've just always had this theory that

01:11:11 everyone has a secret power hidden inside of them.

01:11:13 You mean how

01:11:15 Bruce Wayne is really Batman?

01:11:17 No, even less than that.

01:11:19 I just think that everyone has something inside of them.

01:11:21 Like a power or a talent.

01:11:23 Besides, Batman isn't a superhero.

01:11:25 So, it's something you're born with.

01:11:29 Yeah. Maybe something trivial

01:11:31 like the ability to always know where your car keys are.

01:11:33 Or maybe something so great

01:11:35 that the government has to snatch you up

01:11:37 and erase your existence.

01:11:39 But I think everyone has something.

01:11:41 Right.

01:11:43 Surely you have some evidence to back this up.

01:11:45 Well, take my power, for instance.

01:11:47 Your power to make

01:11:49 little babies cry by looking at them?

01:11:51 No, silly.

01:11:53 I have the power to instill desire in females.

01:11:55 Oh, you're serious?

01:12:03 Fat lot that did you.

01:12:05 You're still a virgin.

01:12:07 That's by choice.

01:12:09 Well, how come you've never used this on me?

01:12:11 Because it goes against my superhero code of ethics.

01:12:13 I would never enchant a taken woman.

01:12:17 Let's not bring him into this.

01:12:19 Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.

01:12:21 I was just trying to prove my power.

01:12:23 Well, I'll be honest with you.

01:12:25 You're not doing a very good job.

01:12:27 It seems like all men think they have this power

01:12:29 by force or wealth.

01:12:31 You know, I guess you could ask me.

01:12:33 I enjoy a man who needs his woman.

01:12:35 Who can't sleep if she's not next to him.

01:12:37 A pushover.

01:12:41 A romantic.

01:12:43 Hey!

01:12:45 Ah-ha!

01:12:47 Did you notice anything strange about that?

01:12:49 That people in the city would step on you

01:12:51 as soon as they look at you?

01:12:53 No.

01:12:55 What we just saw was a by-product of Homeless Al's superpower.

01:12:57 His power to live off

01:12:59 baked beans and brandy?

01:13:01 No.

01:13:03 Judging by his survival rate,

01:13:05 Homeless Al has the ability to survive hypothermia every night.

01:13:07 Which is a pretty good superpower

01:13:09 for a homeless guy.

01:13:11 But it comes at great cost.

01:13:13 Ooh, the plot thickens.

01:13:15 Yep. No one seems to notice him as they walk by.

01:13:17 To the point where they stumble over him

01:13:19 because he's practically invisible.

01:13:21 A tragic superhero flaw.

01:13:23 So instead of proving that

01:13:25 everyone has a superpower,

01:13:27 Homeless Al just proved that everyone in the city

01:13:29 is an asshole. Congratulations.

01:13:31 Alright, well, take Nelson here.

01:13:33 Nelson?

01:13:35 Ooh, does he share your power over women?

01:13:37 No.

01:13:39 Nelson has the ability to instantly transform

01:13:41 his environment into a kung fu movie.

01:13:43 I have yet to see it,

01:13:49 but someday it will be a spectacle to behold.

01:13:51 Okay.

01:13:53 Let's say I believe you.

01:13:55 What would my superpower be?

01:13:57 I've always wanted to be in a musical,

01:13:59 or blow up my ex-boyfriend with my brains.

01:14:01 Well, that's radically different.

01:14:03 Um, but how about

01:14:05 something more useful?

01:14:07 Like the ability to move on.

01:14:09 Let go.

01:14:11 Let go? Like, let go of my hands

01:14:13 around his throat?

01:14:15 No, I mean, turn the other cheek.

01:14:17 Look to greener pastures.

01:14:19 Go out with someone who thinks you're smart,

01:14:21 funny, and beautiful.

01:14:23 I can't put that in a fight.

01:14:25 Well, maybe that someone is right in front of you and you haven't even noticed it yet.

01:14:27 Huh? Sorry, I was thinking.

01:14:29 God, I must have hit you hard when he dumped you.

01:14:33 Is that what he's telling people? I dumped him.

01:14:35 What? Are you kidding me?

01:14:37 Then why are you still stalking the poor bastard?

01:14:39 Um, I can't say.

01:14:41 Look, Lisa, I mean this

01:14:43 in the nicest way possible.

01:14:45 You need psychiatric help.

01:14:47 The only reason that you still pursue someone,

01:14:49 someone that you dumped,

01:14:51 is that you have serious mental issues.

01:14:53 Or that you still seriously like the person.

01:14:55 I think you need to move on.

01:14:57 Hmm.

01:14:59 I never thought about it that way.

01:15:01 You're right.

01:15:05 Yeah?

01:15:11 Yeah.

01:15:13 I don't know how I could have been so blind.

01:15:15 Lisa, I...

01:15:17 It was never about getting my stuff back.

01:15:19 Thanks, Bruce.

01:15:21 Lisa, wait, I...

01:15:27 Fuck!

01:15:29 [Music]

01:15:31 [Music]

01:15:33 ♪ ♪

01:15:50 ♪ Ma quitte arrêt' toi, mon ami ♪

01:15:55 ♪ L'amour de l'eau fraîche et des fruits ♪

01:16:00 ♪ Abandonner de nos vies l'ennui ♪

01:16:05 ♪ Voir danser de nos envies la pluie ♪

01:16:10 ♪ ♪

01:16:23 Lisa!

01:16:24 Neil, take me back.

01:16:27 You mean it?

01:16:29 I knew there was a reason my ex-girlfriend said she wasn't dating anymore.

01:16:32 It must be because you really love me.

01:16:34 How could I ever leave you?

01:16:35 How could I ever let you go?

01:16:38 ♪ ♪

01:16:41 No, dude, no!

01:16:42 Fuck you, too, Larry!

01:16:44 Shut the fuck up!

01:16:45 ♪ ♪

01:16:50 My remote!

01:16:52 [phone rings]

01:16:54 You're keeping this, too?

01:16:58 Neil, my stuff.

01:17:05 And this is for my bra.

01:17:08 I haven't been able to change my channels, Neil.

01:17:11 [speaking Spanish]

01:17:14 I thought you might have changed, but you still only care about TV.

01:17:17 But I have changed. I'm choosing you.

01:17:19 Damn it, Neil, you are never going to change.

01:17:22 I have done everything for you, Neil,

01:17:24 and you just sit and be controlled.

01:17:27 I don't care anymore.

01:17:31 Lisa, no!

01:17:33 Howie, no!

01:17:34 Lisa!

01:17:35 Howie!

01:17:36 Lisa!

01:17:37 Howie!

01:17:38 She took the remote.

01:17:39 You can't change this shit.

01:17:40 It's not even TV.

01:17:41 Damn you and your TV.

01:17:42 It's what got me in this mess in the first place.

01:17:44 Hey, it's what we have together, dude.

01:17:46 Yeah, don't blame him and the TV. This is your fault.

01:17:48 Shut up, Eric.

01:17:49 Don't pass the blame around.

01:17:50 You're the one who lost everything, so do something about it.

01:17:52 If you want Lisa, go get her.

01:17:53 Go get that. Go get Howie.

01:17:59 Damn it, dude.

01:18:00 I was just trying to show you that it's your decision to make.

01:18:03 Come on, man. Now we got nothing.

01:18:05 What kept us together is gone.

01:18:07 You know, maybe Lisa is a little left kilter,

01:18:09 but I can't tell you if you love her or not.

01:18:13 Forget this, man.

01:18:14 God damn it, Neil.

01:18:17 [Music]

01:18:37 Me too.

01:18:38 [Music]

01:19:02 [Music]

01:19:27 [Music]

01:19:30 [Music]

01:19:33 [Music]

01:19:46 [Music]

01:20:14 [Music]

01:20:36 Stop the cab.

01:20:37 [Music]

01:20:51 Neil, you came back.

01:20:53 I had to.

01:20:55 I had a big choice to make, and you were a really big part in it.

01:21:02 Damn it.

01:21:04 I can't believe this.

01:21:05 My sphere has been under siege all day, and now I'm ruined.

01:21:08 Yeah.

01:21:10 I'm going to miss the three of us hanging out.

01:21:12 Why the hell did you spur him on in the first place?

01:21:15 I felt like this was bigger than we could perceive.

01:21:18 It'd be selfish to keep him here for our own reasons,

01:21:20 and I wanted to help him make the right choice, whatever it was.

01:21:24 Great.

01:21:25 Now we're going to have to find a new roommate from the look of it.

01:21:29 I wonder what Brian's up to.

01:21:31 Who?

01:21:32 Jode?

01:21:33 Yeah.

01:21:35 Matt, I'm sorry.

01:21:37 I didn't mean to break up our trio.

01:21:39 Whatever.

01:21:40 Look, I just knew girls were more trouble than they're worth.

01:21:44 You probably just have to find the right one.

01:21:46 What, like Lisa?

01:21:48 I have no idea what Neil even sees in her.

01:21:50 Why the hell did you put him up to this, Eric?

01:21:52 That's what I've been saying.

01:21:53 I don't think either of us knows what's best for him.

01:21:58 Oh, look, here come the lovebirds now.

01:22:10 Crazy psycho bitch.

01:22:13 [music]

01:22:29 [music]

01:22:57 [music]

01:23:01 Done good, Neil.

01:23:03 Now we can eat.

01:23:08 Fuck.

01:23:10 [laughter]

01:23:16 [music]

01:23:22 [music]

01:23:32 [music]

01:23:42 [music]

01:23:52 [music]

01:24:02 [music]

01:24:12 [music]

01:24:22 [music]

01:24:32 [music]

01:24:42 [music]

01:24:52 [music]

01:24:58 Damn.

01:24:59 With all this pizza pie, I sure could use a drink.

01:25:04 Shit.

01:25:05 [BLANK_AUDIO]

LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND Full Movie

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