best of • FLEABAG
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00 Wow, this doesn't happen very often, does it?
00:03 No. No, I suppose it's quite rare, yeah.
00:08 Yeah. I hate myself.
00:11 That...
00:12 And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.
00:17 That was a joke. Oh, no, I know.
00:21 OK. That was like rocks. OK.
00:24 I'm going to go and get my phone.
00:26 I'm going to go and get my phone.
00:27 That was like rocks. OK.
00:30 Perve. Slut.
00:33 Wow!
00:35 You're almost late.
00:37 Let's do a flash poo and prep.
00:38 Oh, Christ, did you wash your hands?
00:40 Of course not.
00:42 Oh, my God, you are disgusting. Fucking hell.
00:45 Hair looks nice. Oh, fuck off.
00:49 Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.
00:52 When are you going to stop bringing that up?
00:54 When you do something better.
00:56 I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.
00:59 You shut in a sink.
01:02 APPLAUSE
01:04 Oh, my God.
01:05 So much for coming to Women's Speak.
01:13 Opening Women's Marks since 1998.
01:17 Please raise your hands
01:20 if you would trade five years of your life
01:26 for the so-called perfect body.
01:30 We are bad feminists.
01:40 Hatching's up with Harry?
01:42 Yeah, we're, um...
01:43 We're engaged.
01:45 God, what? No, we're not engaged.
01:47 The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.
01:50 Dad. Hi.
01:55 Not ideal.
01:57 You OK? You look stressed.
01:59 Well, I'm successful, so...
02:00 BELL RINGS
02:02 Surprise!
02:04 SHE SCREAMS
02:06 It's me, it's me!
02:07 Why did you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!
02:10 I'm sorry!
02:11 I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a surprise.
02:13 It was a ninja surprise. Oh, my God, my hand.
02:15 I'm shaking so much, oh, my God.
02:16 Oh, my God.
02:20 It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.
02:23 Why?
02:25 Flaunting your life.
02:27 No, bang, bang.
02:28 He says he's still got that thing on his...
02:32 What?
02:34 On his...
02:36 Come on, you can do it.
02:38 I don't have to say. Yes, you do.
02:39 No, not here. Come on, please.
02:42 Penis. Thank you.
02:43 He says he still has that thing on his penis.
02:49 Sorry. Christ, woman.
02:51 Something wrong with that one. It's got death in its eyes.
02:54 Yeah, that says she's depressed.
02:56 Huh.
02:57 Aren't we all, girl?
02:59 Look, this is London.
03:00 Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.
03:03 No, no, it's got to be good, all right?
03:05 Help me!
03:06 Pay me and I'll help you.
03:07 Fuck off!
03:08 How much?
03:09 £60.
03:10 £70.
03:11 Done? Yeah!
03:13 Thank you for asking, yeah.
03:14 I'm essentially a documentary maker.
03:16 Docs.
03:17 Oh, really?
03:20 What is your latest project?
03:22 Well, sir, I'm interested in life.
03:24 SHE SNIFFS
03:26 Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?
03:29 Twatnav.
03:34 Don't make this fun!
03:40 Sluts!
03:44 Yes?
03:48 We're going to die here.
03:50 We're going to be raped and die.
03:52 Oh, just open the fucking door!
03:55 It's been fucking forever!
03:57 Welcome.
04:00 Thank you so much.
04:02 Yeah. It's really wonderful.
04:03 Really beautiful grounds. Extraordinary energy, yeah.
04:06 What would you do if someone stole all of those?
04:08 I'd kill myself.
04:10 What is this?
04:14 I don't even do this in my own home.
04:16 Oh, it's very simple.
04:18 We've paid them to let us clean their house in silence.
04:21 SHE LAUGHS
04:22 Your flagrant lack of respect for the one rule that we have here
04:31 is now affecting the other students.
04:33 Clients. Inmates.
04:35 Cleaners. Participants.
04:36 No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
04:43 She always does something slightly different around her period.
04:45 She gets really bad PMT.
04:48 Mum used to call it her monthly confidence crisis.
04:51 But it's PMT.
04:52 The only way she can get through it
04:54 is to reinvent herself in some small way.
04:56 She mustn't see it! She mustn't find out!
05:06 Mm, five-second rule.
05:09 No, I have never bought into that rule.
05:11 That's disgusting.
05:16 It's a sex-hibition.
05:17 But don't panic. It's nothing scary.
05:19 It's simply a journey through my physical and sexual life,
05:22 climaxing in a few pieces inspired by and moulded on your father.
05:26 SHE CHUCKLES
05:27 And there are photos.
05:29 I've taken a photo of my naked body every year for the past 30 years.
05:33 Why? Well, I think it's important for women of all ages
05:36 to see how my body has changed over the years.
05:39 I think they have to have a healthy perspective on my body.
05:42 Nice jumpsuit. Thank you.
05:46 You look well. Where have you been?
05:47 Boots.
05:48 It's lovely there this time of year.
05:50 I didn't realise you were allowed out without your little doggy thing.
05:56 Oh, sorry, have I disappointed you?
05:58 Of course not. Devastated.
06:00 You know, the most fascinating thing about Father here
06:03 is that his mother was originally a lesbian.
06:05 Like the taste of... And we are trying for a baby.
06:07 Oh, Claire. We thought you couldn't have them.
06:12 What? Why? Well, you just seem a little...
06:14 Tell us about Finland.
06:16 Oh, well, it's, um...
06:17 Cold and beautiful and dark.
06:20 I think she might be happy.
06:21 I wish you could have seen him in...
06:23 You know how they can't even masturbate? Shit alive, man.
06:25 Oh, sorry.
06:28 Did you always want to join the priesthood?
06:29 Oh, fuck no.
06:30 LAUGHTER
06:32 Food good?
06:33 Oh, this sauce is disgusting.
06:36 Everything OK? It was delicious.
06:38 Thank you. I thought you'd be in prison by now.
06:40 Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.
06:43 I'm sorry about your eye. Oh, that's OK.
06:45 Gives me some edge.
06:46 I've told them some heroic bullshit.
06:48 Bless you, Sandy. Thank you, Clark.
06:50 I just wanted to pay you back for dinner. Oh, no.
06:53 Thank you. No, really, I insist.
06:54 It'll have to be an instalment. I don't want to.
06:56 I've got no pockets.
06:58 Jesus.
07:05 Have you had a check-up?
07:06 Yes, it's fine. It's really not a big deal.
07:08 It happens all the time. Hello.
07:10 No! What?
07:12 He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings
07:14 if you go for a drink with him. What? I know. Outrageous.
07:17 Oh, there's the main event. Yeah. Very talented.
07:19 She, um... She... Don't say it.
07:22 She... She actually... Just don't say it.
07:25 She actually orgasmed when she finished it.
07:27 Just said it.
07:28 For fuck's sake.
07:31 I know people in this building. Anyone can come.
07:37 Hi, Claire. Hello, Leslie.
07:42 (DOOR OPENS)
07:43 Oh, that's lovely. What is that?
07:53 33 isn't exactly...
07:54 And what had Jesus done by 33?
07:57 Died. Exactly. So get out there and flirt.
08:00 Do you think I should become a Catholic? No, don't do that.
08:02 I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.
08:05 And you're good for me. You make me question my faith.
08:09 And? I've never felt closer to God.
08:12 Fuck you!
08:13 I don't really think it's... I'm not really feeling...
08:19 I don't think it's really affecting me. Oh, my...
08:22 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What am I going to say?
08:26 I sometimes worry...
08:30 ..that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.
08:39 He's a bit annoying, actually. What is that?
08:41 What? That thing that you're doing. It's like you disappear.
08:46 What? What are you not telling me?
08:48 Nothing. Tell me what's going on. I don't need to hear it.
08:50 Nothing. Tell me. Come on, tell me. No. Nothing.
08:52 Ah! Nothing.
08:53 I look so good.
08:56 It's OK. We can sort it out. Just take some of your make-up off.
09:00 I'm not wearing any make-up. What? What has happened?
09:03 I have never seen you look so good.
09:04 No, I don't know. I just woke up looking amazing
09:07 and I was going to think I got a fucking facial for my mother's funeral.
09:10 Oh, what the hell? You look incredible.
09:12 You go in there. I go in there.
09:14 And you make me tell you all my secrets
09:17 so you can ultimately trap and control me. Yeah.
09:19 All the best and we'll see you again. I'm sorry.
09:21 Oh, goodbye, darling. Have a great day. Bye. Bye-bye.
09:24 What...
09:26 ..a...
09:28 ..cunt!
09:29 What a cunt! No, no, please, Charlotte.
09:31 Bashed the fucking rebel to death!
09:33 I need to paint! I need to paint now! Send them away!
09:36 # Sun, green, set, earth... #
09:39 Oh, my God! Sorry, sorry.
09:41 You can't just cancel a wedding. I don't have a choice.
09:44 You have the dress.
09:45 Thanks.
09:48 Claire, just tell me where you are. What the hell has happened?
09:50 No, just come. I need you to...
09:52 I look like a pencil.
09:55 You... You don't look like...
09:57 Don't laugh! It's OK.
09:59 It's not OK. I'm going to lose my job.
10:02 You won't lose your job. It's cool.
10:03 It's not cool. It's edgy.
10:05 Oh, fuck off! Oh, it's cheap.
10:07 It's unsalvageable. Claire, it's French.
10:09 Really? Yes.
10:13 I haven't even asked you how you are.
10:17 How are you? What's going on with you?
10:20 Erm...
10:22 I met someone.
10:23 What? Really? Yeah.
10:25 Oh, my God, that's amazing.
10:27 What does he do?
10:29 He's a priest.
10:30 # La vie est la vie
10:34 # Son prince... #
10:36 How is Claire?
10:38 Well, he's crazy about me, so that's a nightmare.