“What's important now is that she knows that we love her or that she can feel that, 'di ba? And I think that feeling never goes away for patients with dementia.”
Paano nga ba natin ipadadama sa ating mga kaanak na unti-unting nawawala ang alaala ang ating pagmamahal at suporta sa kanila? Iyan ang pinag-usapan ni Doc Anna kasama ang grief, loss and transition coach na si Cathy Sanchez-Babao sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang.
Paano nga ba natin ipadadama sa ating mga kaanak na unti-unting nawawala ang alaala ang ating pagmamahal at suporta sa kanila? Iyan ang pinag-usapan ni Doc Anna kasama ang grief, loss and transition coach na si Cathy Sanchez-Babao sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang.
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00 Every memory is important.
00:03 But what if they all spread like a bubble?
00:08 This is what people with dementia experience.
00:12 It often affects the elderly.
00:15 How do their children who take care of them face this?
00:21 Doc Ana will discuss this with grief, loss, and transition coach Cathy Sanchez-Babao in this episode of Shareko Lang.
00:33 Hello, Kapuso.
00:41 I am Dr. Ana Tuazon, your storyteller and psychologist in Shareko Lang.
00:46 We asked you what you experienced in taking care of your parents who have dementia.
00:53 We will talk about your stories with Cathy Babao,
00:58 the daughter of the famous actress Caridad Sanchez, who was diagnosed with dementia.
01:04 Hello, Cathy, and thank you for being willing to share today.
01:09 Hi, Doc Ana.
01:10 First of all, how is Miss Caridad now?
01:14 Well, my mom just turned 90 last August 1st.
01:19 So, she's at a major milestone, right? She's 90.
01:23 My mom is strong. I mean, physically, she's like, she's very strong.
01:27 She walks when the weather is good, you know, every day.
01:31 She does a lot of things still, right? On her own.
01:36 But of course, she's 90 and like any other super senior, right?
01:41 With dementia or not, sometimes there are challenges, especially like in balance, right?
01:49 So, we're more careful with her.
01:53 But physically, I would say she's like, she's strong. She's strong for a 90-year-old.
02:00 And we're very grateful for that.
02:02 I think that's one of the things that people don't realize, right?
02:07 That having dementia doesn't actually necessarily affect everything.
02:11 In fact, the physical can be so healthy.
02:14 Sadly, sadly, right? A lot of people don't really seek help early enough.
02:20 Because they're just saying, "No, it's just because she's old."
02:25 How was it? How did you get the sense that, okay, something's going on?
02:30 This is not typical of my mom. This is not just aging.
02:34 The first thing I noticed was that there were mood changes, right?
02:40 There were mood changes and then she was happy.
02:46 So, I said, "It's like she's having depression."
02:49 Which later on, we find out that it is one of the first, right?
02:55 Symptoms or signs of possible dementia.
03:00 Things that she used to remember so well, she doesn't remember anymore.
03:07 So, it was then that we had her tested in the memory center of one of our hospitals.
03:17 And it was, through testing, of course, initially, it's always mild cognitive.
03:26 What is the term for it again?
03:28 Mild cognitive impairment.
03:31 But I guess now, through the years, we can see that my mom's progress,
03:38 it's no longer mild cognitive impairment.
03:42 So, that's it.
03:43 I think the key is early detection because then there are things, exercises, medication
03:53 that you can give to slow down, right?
03:57 I mean, it doesn't stop the disease, but it slows down the progression.
04:03 So, maybe for our viewers, our listeners,
04:07 because the first confusion is how do we know if it's just simple forgetting,
04:13 simple aging, or maybe we really need to check.
04:18 These are the things that otherwise, you can never forget dementia, right?
04:23 So, for example, if a person is an accountant and he has good numbers,
04:28 that's one of the last things to go actually.
04:32 So, when we see, "Wait, he's not like this. He's really good at money,
04:38 he's really good at numbers, or he really knows all the birthdays."
04:44 So, we'll look at it like, "Okay, we know this is something that my mother or my parent
04:51 rehearses and practices every day, and yet somehow, the skill is lost."
04:58 So, that's the distinctive difference.
05:02 It's not like, "Wait, I haven't seen this person for a long time. Who is this?"
05:07 That's maybe more normative, right?
05:09 It's just okay because it makes sense that we forgot.
05:13 But if it's something usually either everyday encounters, everyday relationships,
05:18 or in our profession, in our jobs, usually, that's one of the last things that really disappears.
05:27 So, it's really important.
05:29 Some people really feel and hear that it's painful.
05:35 Others say, "This is not the mother I know."
05:39 It's like they don't know each other anymore.
05:41 And yet, you had this very touching moment where you asked her who you are to her.
05:52 Can you tell us a little bit?
05:54 So, when lunch was almost over, she was already eating.
06:00 She feeds herself and all that.
06:02 So, I said, "Oh, mom."
06:05 I don't even remember now if I said, "Mom."
06:08 I said, "You know, this is wrong. You're not supposed to test them."
06:13 But you can't help it, of course.
06:15 I said, "Who am I?"
06:20 "What are we? What are we?"
06:23 "What am I?"
06:25 "What am I? What are you? What am I to you?"
06:29 Then she said, "You."
06:33 She said, "You are love."
06:37 She said, "You are love."
06:43 I said, "Wow, I'm love?"
06:46 She said, "Yes, and I love you very much."
06:50 And the more important thing is, she knows that you're love.
06:55 Yes.
06:58 And for me, she feels it.
07:02 Which I think is the more important thing for me at this point in the journey.
07:08 It doesn't matter if we're siblings, or if I'm her friend, or if I'm her daughter.
07:17 What's important now is that she knows that we love her, and she can feel that.
07:23 I think feeling never goes away for patients with dementia.
07:30 We'll ask the patients what their experiences are.
07:35 One of our patients said,
07:38 "I always think about the sacrifices and hardships he gave us when we were young and still studying."
07:44 "His efforts were almost sweat and blood, to give us what we needed."
07:50 "Now, I need my father. I'm not tired of taking care of him and understanding his condition."
07:58 "I love my father so much. Nothing will change even if he has dementia."
08:06 This is part of it. This is part of taking care of them, loving them.
08:14 It's very important that we don't remember Ms. Caridad just because of her dementia status.
08:24 She's way more than that.
08:27 What are the memories you remember?
08:32 Especially now that you're in a more...
08:34 There's a reversal, right? We're more patient.
08:39 We'll do whatever they want. We'll take care of them.
08:44 Is there anything about this caregiving experience that made you remember,
08:48 "This is how you love and take care of your mother."
08:52 Yeah, she's happy when we're together.
08:59 When her grandchildren are around, she's happy.
09:06 Even if I remember, she doesn't remember if it was her grandchildren.
09:13 But the presence of people, when we talk,
09:17 or when we're at home, there's always a TV or music.
09:23 She doesn't like it when it's too quiet because it's sad.
09:28 But you can still see also that she's feisty.
09:32 It still pops up now and then.
09:36 Her voice is still loud when she's not happy.
09:43 Or when you answer for a long time, her voice gets louder.
09:49 So, yeah, we try to... It's still there.
09:53 Your love for your parents is still there.
09:58 That's why we never talk about them in the third person.
10:04 Especially when you're all together.
10:08 They're there, but we talk to them instead of talking to each other.
10:12 Yes, they can pick up on that. They can feel it.
10:16 Never talk about them in the third person because they're there.
10:23 It's out of respect.
10:25 If you don't have dementia, would you talk about them in the third person?
10:30 No, right?
10:31 It's the same.
10:32 You shouldn't be too young to understand.
10:40 It's not a good practice.
10:42 We have another story.
10:46 "My hobby's mom is the one I take care of who has dementia.
10:50 She's happy.
10:52 She always talks about their happy past.
10:55 I said, it's better that the only thing she remembers is the happy life with her children.
11:03 She doesn't feel every problem in the world
11:06 and the different experiences her children go through now
11:10 because her heart and mind are already set on the happy past with her family."
11:15 Now, there are some, right?
11:18 She's not an upside, but there are some touching moments, sweet moments.
11:23 Sometimes, there are some things, again, with my grandma,
11:29 she's far enough with her dementia that actually she's happier now.
11:34 When it first started, there were more agitations and frustrations
11:38 because she still has an awareness that she's forgetting something.
11:42 But now, she's very living in the moment, very present.
11:48 If the food is delicious, she's happy.
11:52 Did you notice anything?
11:54 At least, there's a little lightness.
11:58 Yes, yes.
11:59 Well, especially starting, I thought about this, especially starting when COVID happened,
12:05 when the pandemic happened.
12:06 Because my mom, even though she's strong, she's nervous.
12:10 I think it's a family trait, actually,
12:15 that she has a high level of anxiety when it comes to her loved ones.
12:21 So, I said, I could imagine,
12:25 it's good that she doesn't completely grasp what the pandemic is and what COVID is.
12:32 Otherwise, she might have a nervous breakdown because of what was happening in the world, right?
12:41 It's all gone.
12:43 So, I said, it's okay that you just live from moment to moment, right?
12:50 You're just mindful of what's there.
12:54 I think that's a gift, that's a lesson that I'm learning from watching her.
13:03 Yeah.
13:04 There's also an aspect of the experience of relatives and loved ones.
13:09 Because there are changes, right?
13:11 And the changes, sometimes, because the filter is just disappearing,
13:15 or actually, I remember, because as a grandchild,
13:19 of course, I don't know a lot about my grandmother.
13:22 I just know her as a grandmother.
13:24 So, as she progressed, I saw, "Oh, this is how she takes care of herself."
13:28 There are stages, right?
13:31 So, instead of mourning the loss of, "Oh, this is how I knew her before,"
13:38 have you discovered anything?
13:40 It's like getting to know her again, right?
13:43 True. To your point, it's like getting to know,
13:46 you know your grandmother better, right?
13:49 It's like getting to know your parents all over again, right?
13:54 Through a different lens.
13:57 Because, of course, you only know them from the time you're pregnant
14:01 and they're your parents, right?
14:03 So, I know she's really cheerful, but now, when she's in the mood,
14:10 she's really cheerful, she's quiet when she dances, she loves to dance.
14:17 You know, when there's music, she likes to dance.
14:23 Because she loves to dance, she's good at boogie.
14:26 So, when there's music, she likes to dance and move around.
14:33 She likes to laugh, laughter.
14:37 She doesn't like sadness.
14:40 Yeah. It's so interesting because, actually,
14:45 you would know if she didn't have dementia necessarily,
14:52 and she was retired and she was enjoying her life,
14:56 it sounds like she would do those things anyway.
14:59 She would dance, she would socialize.
15:02 Yes, that's true. Yeah.
15:05 Although, she probably would have went on working.
15:12 You know, most of the time, she would go on working.
15:15 So, we have another heart that says,
15:19 "Sometimes, you're happy, but sometimes, you're angry.
15:23 You can't understand what they're saying.
15:26 Of course, you're really sorry because the story is repeated.
15:30 Then, sometimes, you suddenly speak directly and it's really upsetting.
15:35 But, there's nothing you can do because you're a parent.
15:38 Even in the last moment, you'll still take care of them until the end."
15:43 You're a 13-year-old, right?
15:45 Yeah, you know, I don't…
15:47 It's a good thing I'm not the type to…
15:51 You know, I'm not the type to…
15:53 Because, during the time in the first few years,
15:56 sometimes, I would laugh and then, later on, you would argue.
16:00 You know, it's like, "Where did that come from?"
16:03 Like, "Where is that coming from?"
16:05 It swings.
16:07 My head is hot.
16:09 My heart is upset.
16:11 But then, later on, in hindsight,
16:13 "Oh, that's it.
16:15 That's it.
16:17 That's science.
16:19 It's a bit too fussy."
16:24 It's not easy to develop.
16:26 Even if you know, "Okay, you know.
16:28 This is the symptom.
16:30 This is not the mother.
16:32 This is the symptom."
16:33 At the same time, of course,
16:35 if you experience someone who said something painful,
16:37 that's your mother.
16:39 Whatever.
16:41 So, it's not easy to develop
16:43 the type of person you're not going to personalize.
16:45 You're not going to take it seriously.
16:47 And in a way, it's such a good life skill overall.
16:50 Imagine if we can interact with our loved ones
16:54 even if you don't agree.
16:57 Even if there's a disagreement.
16:59 You can say, "Hey, wait.
17:01 This is because we don't love each other."
17:03 Or something.
17:05 We just don't agree on that issue.
17:08 Right.
17:10 So, there.
17:12 Yeah, and it can put a strain.
17:16 It can put a strain on families.
17:19 Because, as I said,
17:21 acceptance,
17:25 it's not rare in a family
17:29 that they both received
17:31 that their parent has dementia.
17:36 There's always some divisiveness, I think.
17:41 Or there are some who are in denial.
17:44 And sometimes, the denial is there for a long time.
17:48 So, I guess, there.
17:52 So, how do you resolve that?
17:54 It's hard to deal with a disease like dementia.
17:58 And it depends on the type of dementia.
18:01 There are some who develop it for a long time.
18:03 Because the change can be so gradual at the beginning.
18:08 And at some point,
18:10 actually, we, as mental health professionals,
18:13 as professional supporters,
18:16 after a while, we switch the support to the caregivers.
18:19 Because actually, mommy is happy.
18:21 She's okay, right?
18:23 She's able, she's happy.
18:25 It's the family around them that needs support.
18:29 And this is now your area, right?
18:32 Because you're a grief coach as well.
18:35 Because everyone's going through this grief process,
18:38 which is an interesting experience.
18:40 Because mommy is still there.
18:42 So, actually, there's a lot of opportunity.
18:45 There's a lot of opportunity to have healing,
18:48 to have closure,
18:50 to determine how you want things to go.
18:53 Compared to the grief where there's no chance.
18:56 At the same time, the process is different.
18:59 The pacing is different.
19:01 Some people can accept it earlier on.
19:04 Some people can't.
19:05 Especially if the change is not dramatic.
19:10 The chance is higher.
19:13 "Wait, maybe this is not it."
19:15 Because that's their grief process.
19:17 Yeah, they're still here.
19:18 Even in the latter stages,
19:21 sometimes they hardly speak.
19:24 And they get to that point where they speak.
19:28 Some of them are just bedridden.
19:31 Well, they're still there.
19:33 At least you can still hold them.
19:36 You can still talk to them, reach out to them, hug them.
19:41 Sometimes, even when they squeeze their hands to you,
19:46 you're still there.
19:48 Yes, they're still there.
19:51 True.
19:52 That's how they express it.
19:54 They don't verbalize it.
19:57 It's through touch.
19:59 We have a saying,
20:02 "If they can't remember, the least we can do is remember for them."
20:06 We can hold on to those memories.
20:08 They're not gone.
20:09 We can be the keepers of the memory.
20:13 So, maybe as a last question to you, Miss Kathy,
20:17 what is it that you would like to remember in behalf of your mom?
20:22 Caring.
20:24 Well, actually, her nickname is "Karing."
20:27 That's how her colleagues would call her.
20:30 "Karing."
20:31 So, I said, "Okay, now she's like, even at this stage,
20:35 she's still being true to that nature of hers
20:40 of being concerned.
20:44 Not just as a mother, but as a friend.
20:48 She's all in when it comes to people in need.
20:52 She's there for them."
20:55 So, my mom's a very caring person.
20:58 So, I think that's what I'll always remember about her.
21:03 And that's also kind of like, okay,
21:06 what drives me at this time is to give back the care
21:11 that she's always given to everyone,
21:15 especially to us, especially to her loved ones.
21:20 Thank you so much, Miss Kathy.
21:24 Thank you, Donna.
21:25 You shared with us today.
21:28 In a way, I mean, one thank you.
21:31 I know it's not easy always to share your mom,
21:34 your loved one, with the public.
21:37 And there's a lot of rooting for her and care about her.
21:41 And I think through these sharings,
21:43 they also have, for me, just as a fan,
21:49 it gives us a sense of her,
21:55 even if she's no longer active.
21:57 Thank you, Donna.
21:58 If you have something to talk about,
22:01 just leave a comment below
22:03 or email us at syerkolang@gmailnews.tv.
22:08 We're also streaming on Spotify,
22:10 Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts.
22:14 Thanks for tuning in.
22:16 ♪ ♪
22:21 ♪ ♪
22:26 ♪ ♪
22:31 ♪ ♪
22:36 ♪ ♪
22:41 ♪ ♪
22:46 ♪ ♪
22:51 ♪ ♪
22:56 ♪ ♪
23:01 ♪ ♪