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TVTranscript
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:04 [music]
00:06 ♪
00:16 (bell ringing)
00:18 ♪
00:28 (clicking)
00:30 ♪
00:38 (humming)
00:40 ♪
00:48 (clicking)
00:50 ♪
00:57 (clicking)
00:59 ♪
01:03 Go!
01:04 Whoo!
01:05 (tires screeching)
01:07 ♪
01:18 ♪
01:22 Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy.
01:24 The following tale of alien encounters is true,
01:27 and by true, I mean false.
01:30 It's all lies, but they're entertaining lies,
01:33 and in the end, isn't that the real truth?
01:37 The answer is no.
01:39 Our story begins on a Friday morning
01:42 in a little town called Springfield.
01:45 TGIF! Guys, I'm off to Moe's!
01:49 But, Homer, it's ten in the morning!
01:51 Don't worry, I have a plan.
01:52 I saw this in a movie about a bus
01:54 that had to speed around the city,
01:56 keeping its speed over 50,
01:58 and if its speed dropped, it would explode.
02:01 I think it was called
02:03 "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
02:06 First, I hook this common VCR
02:09 into the security camera system like so.
02:12 Then I insert this old videotape of us
02:15 working on a continuous loop.
02:18 (static)
02:20 (static)
02:22 (beep)
02:23 (static)
02:24 (beep)
02:25 (static)
02:26 (beep)
02:27 (static)
02:28 (beep)
02:29 (static)
02:30 (beep)
02:31 (static)
02:32 So, another Friday is upon us.
02:34 What'll you be doing, Smithers?
02:36 Something gay, no doubt.
02:38 Wha-- what?
02:39 You know, light-hearted, fancy-free.
02:41 Mothers, lock up your daughters.
02:43 Smithers is on the town.
02:45 (laughs)
02:46 Exactly, sir.
02:48 (laughs)
02:50 Thank God it's Wednesday.
02:52 (gulps)
02:53 It's Friday.
02:55 Uh-oh, wrong pills.
02:57 (slurps)
02:59 Uh, little help?
03:01 (train whistling)
03:04 Sorry, Donkey Kong, you're just not a draw anymore.
03:11 (barking)
03:12 (thud)
03:13 Hey, he's still got it.
03:16 38, 39, 40 quarters.
03:21 This better be good.
03:23 (knocking)
03:26 Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.
03:29 What a wreck!
03:31 Thank God it's Friday.
03:36 (humming)
03:39 (static)
03:40 Hello?
03:41 (static)
03:43 Hello?
03:44 (dramatic music)
03:47 (growling)
03:52 Bad dog.
03:53 (meowing)
03:55 Bad cat.
03:56 (meowing)
03:57 (licking)
03:58 Bad phone.
04:00 Hmm.
04:01 Show, show.
04:02 All right, it's time for ABC's TGIF lineup.
04:06 Lise, when you get a little older,
04:08 you'll learn that Friday's just another day
04:11 between NBC's Messy Thursday
04:13 and CBS's Saturday Night Crap-o-rama.
04:16 Another duff, Homer?
04:18 Nah, it's Friday night, Moe.
04:20 I want to try something special.
04:22 Ah, sure, sure.
04:24 Here you go.
04:25 Duff, from Sweden.
04:28 Goal!
04:30 Wait a minute, there's a duff.
04:32 (laughing)
04:33 You got me, didn't you?
04:35 All right, here you go.
04:36 Red Tick Beer.
04:38 Hmm.
04:40 Cold, refreshing,
04:42 and something I can't quite put my finger on.
04:46 (barking)
04:49 Hmm, needs more dog.
04:51 (slurping)
04:54 Well, it's 1 a.m.
04:56 Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
04:59 Just a second, Homer.
05:00 You got to take a breathalyzer test
05:02 before I let you drive home.
05:04 (gasps)
05:06 (whirring)
05:08 (trumpet playing)
05:10 Eh, I guess I'll walk home.
05:13 (moaning)
05:18 (barking)
05:27 (whistling)
05:31 (train whistle blowing)
05:33 (train whistle blowing)
05:35 (train whistle blowing)
05:37 (train whistle blowing)
05:39 (train whistle blowing)
05:41 (moaning)
05:44 (moaning)
05:46 (train whistle blowing)
05:48 (screaming)
05:50 (train whistle blowing)
05:51 (screaming)
05:52 (train whistle blowing)
05:54 (train whistle blowing)
05:56 (train whistle blowing)
05:58 Oh, Don, I'm glad to see you.
06:00 I went for the morning paper and I got lost.
06:02 No time for you, old man.
06:04 (whistling)
06:06 (whimpering)
06:16 (whistling)
06:23 (whistling)
06:25 (whimpering)
06:35 Please, don't hurt me.
06:37 Don't be afraid.
06:39 (screaming)
06:41 Homer, it's 2 a.m. What happened?
06:49 It was an alien march.
06:51 It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid."
06:54 Have you been drinking?
06:56 No. Well, ten beers.
06:58 (grumbling)
07:00 I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.
07:03 Maybe you just dreamed it.
07:05 Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to,
07:07 I was covered with a sticky translucent goo.
07:09 Explain that.
07:11 More sausage?
07:13 Dad, according to Junior Skeptic magazine,
07:16 the chances are 175 million to one
07:18 of our lives actually coming in contact with ours.
07:21 So?
07:23 It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens
07:25 are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs.
07:27 Oh, and you, Dad.
07:29 (whimpering)
07:31 I am the thing from Uranus.
07:34 (laughing)
07:36 Oh, it's Bart.
07:38 I can't believe it.
07:40 I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday.
07:43 It's your birthday?
07:45 Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dogs.
07:48 Santa's little helper, it's your birthday?
07:50 Oh, we got to get you a present.
07:53 Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
07:55 We love you, boy.
07:57 Good doggie. Good doggie.
08:00 Lousy, lovable dog.
08:02 Oh, it was awful.
08:05 They set me on a cold metal table
08:08 and prodded me with humiliating probes.
08:10 And--oh, wait. That was my physical.
08:13 Great story, Hubba, really.
08:15 The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel.
08:20 And he appears every Friday night, like Urkel.
08:24 Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass--
08:28 I mean, Simpson--
08:30 so I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
08:33 (humming)
08:36 (sighs)
08:38 You don't have to humiliate me.
08:41 I just torched a building downtown,
08:43 and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
08:45 Oh, yeah, right.
08:47 I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
08:50 (humming)
08:52 (humming)
08:54 Fruitcake.
08:56 Look at this, Scully.
09:06 There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting
09:09 in the heartland of America.
09:11 We've got to get there right away.
09:13 Well, gee, Mulder, there's also this report
09:15 of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons
09:17 coming into New Jersey tonight.
09:19 I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.
09:23 Hello, can I help you?
09:29 Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
09:31 (gasps) Is this about that pen that I took from the post office?
09:34 I swear, I didn't know I'd put it in my purse.
09:37 Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up,
09:40 and that just made things worse.
09:42 Actually, we're here to see your husband
09:44 about his UFO encounter.
09:46 Oh! Come. Come in.
09:49 Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup
09:54 and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.
09:57 Yo!
09:59 No, I'm sorry.
10:01 (muttering)
10:03 Oh, this makes me very angry.
10:06 Now we're going to run a few tests.
10:09 This is a simple lie detector.
10:11 I'll ask you a few yes or no questions,
10:13 and you just answer truthfully.
10:15 Do you understand? Yes.
10:17 Whoa!
10:30 (panting)
10:32 Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
10:34 No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
10:37 His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
10:39 Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
10:42 All right, Homer.
10:54 We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
10:57 Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club,
11:00 where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
11:04 Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
11:07 We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
11:10 You are one fine-looking woman, lady.
11:15 If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that.
11:19 I am so sorry.
11:24 Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her.
11:27 I'd pay you a penny.
11:29 So, uh, who are you guys, anyhow?
11:31 Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI.
11:34 FBI, huh? Uh, excuse me.
11:37 All right, they're on to us. Get 'em back to SeaWorld.
11:41 (meowing)
11:44 So it's this blue M&M, red M&M.
11:47 They all wind up the same color in the end.
11:50 Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar?
11:54 I was standing right here
11:56 when a horrible creature emerged from the woods.
11:59 For the love of God, help me!
12:04 I've been here for four days and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth!
12:07 There he is!
12:09 Come back here, you!
12:12 Slow down! I'll get ye!
12:14 (grunting)
12:16 This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
12:19 Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
12:22 (grunting)
12:24 Oh, he bit me with my own teeth!
12:26 No, this is much more irritating.
12:28 I've seen enough, Mulder. Let's go.
12:30 Yeah, okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us.
12:33 There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive.
12:36 Are we alone in the universe? Impossible.
12:39 When you consider the wonders that exist all around us--
12:42 Voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia,
12:45 the unsolved mysteries of... unsolved mysteries.
12:49 The truth is out there.
12:52 (grunting)
12:54 No! Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy?
12:58 (gasps) She's at the fence!
13:00 (whale calling)
13:02 Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone.
13:05 No one believes me.
13:07 Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer"?
13:10 I don't believe you, Homer.
13:12 You do? Oh, Marge, you make me so happy.
13:16 Hmm, you're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
13:20 Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
13:22 Homer, please!
13:24 I try to be supportive, but this has gone too far.
13:27 Please, just let it be.
13:29 No, I can't. This is my cause.
13:32 I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon.
13:35 What was his name? Apollo Creed?
13:37 Please, let's just go to sleep.
13:39 No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy.
13:43 Unless you're feeling amorous.
13:46 No, I'm not.
13:48 Well, then, good night.
13:50 Hey, Dad, what's the word for "Planet Crackpot"?
13:53 Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
13:55 Well, actually, Dad, I believe you.
13:58 You do? Yes, I do.
14:00 You seem so damn sure.
14:02 Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
14:05 Hell, yes. That's my boy.
14:07 Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up.
14:10 You're on the move, I'm right. This Friday, we're going back to the woods
14:13 and we're going to find that alien.
14:15 What if we don't?
14:17 We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox Network.
14:20 They'll buy anything.
14:22 Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
14:26 ( laughing )
14:28 I killed me.
14:33 Bud. Wise. Er.
14:37 Bud. Wise. Er.
14:39 Of course.
14:41 Yo, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
14:43 No, son, you don't want to drink beer.
14:45 That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
14:48 Besides, it's such a beautiful night.
14:50 How about a ghost story?
14:52 And that is how much college will cost for Maggie.
14:57 No, no, no!
15:00 You know, Dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien.
15:06 I've really had a great time out here.
15:08 Yeah, me too.
15:10 It's him!
15:13 I bring you peace.
15:21 As a representative of planet Earth,
15:25 let me be the first to say...
15:27 ( screaming )
15:29 It's gone!
15:35 We still don't have any proof.
15:37 Oh, yes, we do. I got it all on tape.
15:40 Good work, son! We did it!
15:43 We did it!
15:45 And so, from this simple man came the proof
15:50 that we are not alone in the universe.
15:52 I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
15:55 Ah, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
15:59 Oh. Uh, fine.
16:01 Let me just get, uh, something out of my car.
16:07 ( knocking )
16:09 I don't think he's coming back.
16:15 Tonight on "Eyewitness News"...
16:19 a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
16:22 Does Sunny and Cher still have that stupid show?
16:25 No, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
16:28 Good night!
16:30 But first, E.T. phoned Homer.
16:34 Simpson, that is.
16:36 Marge, kids, they're about to show my videotape.
16:39 Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost,
16:42 has given us this videotape.
16:44 It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.
16:47 ( chuckles )
16:49 I bring you peace.
16:54 The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture
16:57 the past two Friday nights.
16:59 Will it appear again this Friday?
17:01 The entire Channel 6 News team will be there,
17:03 and I'm sure Phil, the boom mic operator,
17:05 is getting fired tomorrow.
17:07 Very unprofessional, Phil.
17:09 Well, E.T., what do you think about the alien now?
17:11 I think there must be a more logical explanation,
17:14 and I think the people of this town
17:16 aren't going to be won over by three seconds of videotape.
17:18 ( doorbell rings )
17:20 Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien.
17:25 Any questions at all? Dr. Hibbert?
17:28 Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
17:31 Uh, the second one.
17:33 Xylophone. Next question.
17:35 Is the alien Santa Claus?
17:37 Uh, yes.
17:39 Uh, were you on my roof last night
17:41 stealing my weather vane?
17:43 This interview is over.
17:45 I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens.
17:50 He came in peace and then died,
17:53 only to come back to life.
17:55 And his name was...
17:57 E.T., the extraterrestrial.
18:00 ( sniffs )
18:01 I love that little guy.
18:03 ( doorbell rings )
18:07 ( snorts )
18:09 Leonard Nimoy, what are you doing here?
18:15 Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained,
18:18 cosmic forces shall draw me near.
18:20 Uh-huh.
18:21 Hey, Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
18:23 Surprise me.
18:25 Take a look at this, Lisa.
18:29 You don't see any "Homer is a dope" T-shirts, do you?
18:32 We sold those out in five minutes.
18:34 Dope!
18:36 Oh, Arch, how could you?
18:38 These shirts are 100% cotton.
18:40 And look at the fine stitching on "dope."
18:43 I'll take two.
18:45 ( gasps )
18:50 Ah!
18:52 Look, there it is.
18:56 ( music playing )
18:58 Homer, Homer, Homer, I'm so sorry.
19:01 I doubted you.
19:03 I bring you love.
19:06 Is that the love between a man and a woman
19:09 or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?
19:12 ( laughs )
19:13 Uh, I bring you love.
19:16 It's bringing love. Don't let it get away.
19:19 Break its legs!
19:20 ( all cheering )
19:23 ( music playing )
19:25 Wait!
19:28 You want an alien?
19:29 This is your alien.
19:31 Hello, children.
19:33 I bring you love.
19:35 It's a monster!
19:37 Kill it! Kill it!
19:39 It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns.
19:41 Oh, it's Mr. Burns.
19:44 Kill it! Kill it!
19:46 Now, let me explain.
19:48 Every Friday evening after work,
19:49 Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments
19:51 designed to cheat death for another week.
19:53 First, Mr. Burns' chiropractors
19:55 perform a slight spinal adjustment.
19:57 ( grunts )
19:58 Ooh. Ah, ah, ah.
20:01 Then a team of doctors administers eye drops...
20:06 painkillers...
20:09 Ooh.
20:10 And a vocal cord scraping.
20:12 Don't worry. You won't feel a thing
20:15 till I jam this down your throat.
20:17 The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns
20:20 twisted and disoriented.
20:22 ( humming )
20:24 The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
20:30 But what's with the glowing?
20:32 Um, I'll field that question.
20:34 A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant
20:37 has given me a healthy green glue.
20:39 Left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
20:43 And now that I'm back to normal,
20:45 I don't bring you peace and love.
20:47 I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and--
20:49 I'm for a booster!
20:51 ♪ Good morning, star shine ♪
20:55 ♪ The Earth says hello ♪
20:59 ♪ You twinkle above us ♪
21:02 ♪ We twinkle below ♪
21:06 ♪ Good morning, star shine ♪
21:10 ♪ You lead us along ♪
21:13 You said you'd bring them peace and love,
21:16 and it looks like you did it.
21:18 I'm proud of you, homie.
21:20 ( groans )
21:21 Thanks, Marge.
21:23 ♪ To be a big brother ♪
21:25 ♪ To be a big brother ♪
21:27 ♪ Everybody's singing a song ♪
21:30 And so concludes our tale.
21:34 I'm Leonard Nimoy.
21:36 Good night, and keep watching the skis-- uh, skies.
21:41 ( music playing )
21:45 ( music playing )
21:49 ( music playing )
21:53 ( music playing )
21:56 ( music playing )
22:00 ( music playing )
22:03 ( music playing )
22:06 ( music playing )
22:10 ( music playing )
22:13 Shh!
22:36 ( music playing )
22:39 (dramatic music)