When people dump their emotions on you || Acharya Prashant, Vedanta Mahotsav (2022)
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00:00 Pranam Acharya ji. When I am having conversations with my friends and family members, especially
00:10 in the situations when they are complaining about something, about a situation which has
00:16 happened to them, I try to help them with, try to make them understand, see the issue
00:25 clearly, but from my understanding of the concept. But they don't accept it at that
00:37 time. And they even say that I am not asking for any solutions. I am just, we just want
00:44 to be listened. We are not looking for any solutions. Which I, which I feel it's not
00:52 acceptable to me. I feel it's kind of wrong thing to, wrong thing to do. I feel it is
00:59 like, it is not a good habit to dump your emotions onto a person. So, and people feel
01:16 more comfort with a shoulder to cry on than a helping hand which is actually trying to
01:26 help. So, I just want to understand the psychology behind this and how should I approach such
01:30 situations, especially with our closed doors. The question is that happens with friends
01:39 and family members that they come and they went out their emotional garbage right in
02:00 your face and when you listen to that and want to offer a solution, they say it is not
02:08 a solution that we seek. We just seek to be heard. Listen to us and that's all that we
02:18 want. Don't offer us advice. Have I got it right? He is saying he does not like this
02:24 thing. He does not like to become a dump yard of superfluous emotions. See what is happening
02:37 here. The one who is coming to share his or her emotions happens more with women. This
02:47 is more of a characteristic with women, happens with men as well. Again, am I getting it right
02:56 here? Thank you. The person who is displaying such behavior does not actually want to change.
03:06 What to do then? Listen to that person if your listening opens up his or her listening.
03:20 If and only if. You have come to me, you want a shoulder to cry on. Fine, I'll offer mine.
03:28 Take the shoulder. Cry as much as you want to. But now that I have listened to you, I
03:34 want you to listen to me. If such reciprocity can be there, then it's alright to listen
03:43 to such a person because that will afford you the opportunity to speak. However, if
03:51 such a person wants to have a one-way thing, I'll come, I'll dump and I'll walk away.
04:01 Then you are being used as a waste basket. No point. And by turning yourself into that
04:12 kind of waste bin, you are doing no good to that person either. You are only reinforcing
04:22 the sense of victimization that the person is carrying mostly erroneously. That fellow
04:32 says you know I'm a victim and I have been treated unfairly by this, by that and so I've
04:43 come over to you and I'm sharing what I have to. Now when you listen to such a thing, you
04:55 are actually becoming a passive participant in all the mischief that this person is knowingly
05:05 or unknowingly playing. What is the mischief? The mischief is to paint oneself as a victim
05:15 and the entire world as the culprit. I am someone who is always hard done by. I am the
05:27 good one. I am the great one and all those around me are exploitative, cruel and this
05:37 way and that way. And you, since you are my friend or my relative or my lover, so you
05:48 have to listen to me. You have to partake in my nonsense. You don't have to say anything
05:54 because I know if you say something then my mischief might be exposed. So I don't want
06:03 you to say anything. I want you to only absorb all the rubbish I am throwing at you. Now
06:13 you're not merely being a silent absorber here. I'm saying you are becoming a passive
06:20 participant in this harmful process. So tell that person, if you are sharing these things
06:33 with me then allow me to have a say. I'm a well-wisher and you too know that. That's
06:42 the reason you are sharing these things with me. And if I'm a well-wisher, allow me to
06:49 express myself. And if you say you do not want a solution, then why do you want to make
06:57 your problem my problem? Either say you have no problem and if you don't have a problem
07:07 then you must not cry this much. Either say that you don't have a problem and if you don't
07:13 have a problem I'll ask you if you don't have a problem, why are you sulking and weeping?
07:20 And if you say there is a problem then let's come to a solution. This kind of a state where
07:28 you say that a problem exists and yet a solution is not needed is simply hilariously nonsensical.
07:41 A problem exists but I don't need a solution. That merely means that you have a stake in
07:49 letting the problem stay alive. Don't you see that? If you say yes indeed there is a
07:57 problem but a solution is not needed, then it means that the continuation of the problem
08:04 is vital to some of your interests. You deliberately want the problem to remain, then you are a
08:16 big mischief maker, are you not? You have a stake in the problem. Not only do you have
08:25 a stake in the problem, you actually want your problem to extend to me. You want me
08:35 to become a participant in this network of problem. You are sucking me in and you are
08:44 not allowing me to exercise my right to offer or create a solution. You are saying you tie
08:54 your hands and be led by me into this labyrinth of problems. Don't allow yourself to be exploited
09:07 this way. Listening to a suffering person is an act of compassion, definitely. But only
09:24 if the sufferer is first of all desirous of freedom from suffering, then you should in
09:32 fact go out of your way to offer your time, your ears, your energy to the sufferer. You
09:41 say please come speak and let's see what we can do about it. But if the sufferer is actually
09:47 playing games, the sufferer is actually playing a psychological battle, then there is no point
10:05 playing on with him or her. This is a very common tendency. So many of us have this.
10:22 Let's please avoid. If you have a problem that you can solve all by yourself, then don't
10:31 disturb others. If you are in a situation, you don't even want to call as a problem,
10:38 again, don't disturb others. And if you do go to others to share your problem, then give
10:47 others the right to offer a solution. Otherwise, why have you wasted their time? Why have you
10:55 spoiled their mood? Why have you made your problem their problem? The preferable thing
11:03 is that as an adult, your first priority should be to tackle your problems all by yourself.
11:14 Don't be a crybaby. Don't rush to others for every small thing. Tackle them by yourself.
11:22 And if you find that you cannot and all of us do come to that state at some point or
11:30 the other where we all need help and there is no shame in that. But when you do go to
11:37 others to seek help, then please do humbly accept the help. Don't impose your conditions
11:47 on the helper. Don't say you'll have to help me as per the constraints I impose upon the
11:59 help. No. If you know so much, then you should help yourself on your own. When you go to
12:16 share your situation or seek help, then have the humility to listen and accept. Do you
12:33 see this is the reason why scriptures and teachers fail on most people. Even if we go
12:43 to the scriptures, we say I will accept you conditionally. You're telling something to
12:51 me. I'll take it. But only as much as I think is suitable to my ego and only when I think
13:05 I need it. Also in the form that I deem suitable. Now if these are the tight constraints you
13:19 put on the helper, then you will never be helped. Allow the helper to help you. But
13:33 before that, try your best to be helped on your own.
13:45 Acharya ji, what if that person also wants to get the help but he or she thinks that
14:04 they are not ready to accept it. Even they know that they are in trouble.
14:15 That's the situation of entire mankind. We all know that we need help. But help does
14:22 not come for free. Help does not come in a way convenient to us. Help would always require
14:35 that the helped one make a lot of concessions, change himself, adjust himself to become receptive
14:50 to help. And that's why even though we need help, we don't actually accept it even when
15:00 it is there to be taken. Accepting help is a tough ask. You are overweight. You want
15:14 help. You go to a coach. Now the coach won't run the treadmill for you. The coach is now
15:25 helping you by bringing you to the treadmill, setting you the targets, the speed, the inclination
15:34 and other things. He is offering his help. But to take this help, you will have to pass
15:43 through some pain. We don't want to pass through the pain of accepting help. Then we will turn
15:55 to the coach and say, can there be a more painless way please? Now there cannot be a
16:03 painless way. That's the problem. What makes it worse is the more overweight you are, the
16:18 more difficult it is to lose weight. Which means the more you need help, the more difficult
16:26 it becomes for you to accept help. Now see, the more you need help, the more difficult
16:38 it becomes for you to accept help. Because accepting help would mean accepting pain.
16:46 Who wants to accept pain? And there are a lot of shopkeepers who know that. So they
16:58 will say, come to us. We are offering you painless help. And we have such shops galore.
17:08 Come to us. You will be helped that too without any pain. So we rush to them and we happily
17:17 get cheated. But we are relieved that we didn't have to pass through pain at least. Fine,
17:25 I got cheated once again. But I managed to avoid pain. See how smart I am. The mark of
17:34 the spiritual mind is the willingness to take pain. Bring it on. Bring it on. Yes, I am
17:44 ready. Have something here. If you are someone who just cannot go against himself, there
18:04 is no hope, no possibility. All progress is only for those who can stand firm in the face
18:20 of great inner resistance. All your instincts, all your self-preservation tendencies will
18:31 cry out to avoid pain. And you will have to firmly put your foot down and say no. My pain
18:49 is my choice. I am not buckling down, not tipping over. I am not surrendering to my
19:08 dark inner self. Once you learn to willingly take pain, there is a dignity on your face.
19:37 Do something that involves conquering yourself and then see how your eyes look. We were talking
19:54 of the treadmill. Let's say 15 minutes at a certain speed is difficult for you. Now
20:02 run those 15 minutes. And the last 5 minutes are like hell. Every passing second you are
20:14 feeling like pushing the stop button. But you continue to run. And when you step down,
20:24 watch your face. That's what is called dignity. The dignity of consciousness against the dictates
20:39 of our animalistic self. You have conquered something very important right now. And your
20:50 face will be a testimony. You love your face. And that's what I call as beauty. That's the
20:59 moment when one is actually beautiful. That's the moment of your glory. Not when you are
21:09 all cool, composed, relaxed and have put a lot of makeup on. That made-up self is not
21:20 beautiful. You are the most beautiful when there are scars on your face, when there are
21:31 battle marks on your face, when you're blurred and sweat stand as proofs that you are a winner
21:47 indeed. That's when you look so beautiful. All the makeup has been washed away by one's
22:10 own sweat, preferably blood. How about a DP like that? It will help you to lose a lot
22:31 of garbage in your friend list.