Royal Crackers - Theo's Love Reunion Disaster - Theo reunites with his old lover, Hazelnut, only to suffer a humiliating rejection when he meets her husband and kids. Stream Royal Crackers on Max:
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00:00 [ Children laughing ]
00:04 Honey, those guys have been staring at us
00:06 for the last 15 minutes.
00:08 [ Children laughing ]
00:09 Are you sure that's her? Oh, I'm sure all right.
00:11 Her return address is right here on the corner
00:13 of this ugly card she sent her dad.
00:15 [ Grunting ]
00:20 Man, it's like staring into an alternate reality.
00:23 That could have been my house, my yard, my kids.
00:26 I can't believe I'm saying this,
00:28 but I think this might be it for me.
00:30 The greatest love stories have the twistiest turns, Theo.
00:33 Hands in, everyone.
00:35 Oh, careful.
00:36 Today I stand on the shoulders of everyone in this car.
00:39 Thank you for being on this journey with me today.
00:42 We love you, Theo.
00:44 Time to get my ass [bleep] right.
00:48 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, buddy?
00:50 Excuse me, who are you?
00:52 Everyone relax. I'm not crazy.
00:53 It's me, Theo. Who?
00:55 Theo Hornsby. From "Taint."
00:56 Stop acting like you don't know.
00:58 Theo, what are you doing here? You know this guy?
01:00 Hazelnut, listen to me now. Who's Hazelnut?
01:02 Oh, God. Today I hacked into the computer network
01:04 of a local strip club.
01:06 I got the living shit beat out of me by the manager.
01:08 I committed a federal offense by stealing some dickhead's mail,
01:11 all to be standing here in front of you.
01:13 I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
01:16 This is my son's birthday party. Get out of here!
01:18 But I love you! Buddy, I'm gonna knock you
01:20 the [bleep] out if you don't walk out of here.
01:22 Okay, fine! I'm leaving! God!
01:24 Does everyone in this town resolve everything with violence?
01:26 [all laugh]
01:27 Shut up, you [bleep] hosers! You know what?
01:29 I'm glad we don't have kids, because it looks like
01:31 your uterus only produces assholes!
01:33 [groans]
01:35 Come on. Come on!
01:37 You have to lift the latch! What latch?
01:39 There's a latch on the-- Stop yelling at me!
01:42 Don't hit me! I'm going!
01:44 [groans]
01:46 Oh, my God! Just wait a second!
01:51 He's trying to open it for you!
01:53 [groans]
01:54 Oh, it's stuck! It's stuck!
01:56 Oh! Hazel nut!
01:58 Why?!
02:00 Hazel nut!
02:02 Now he's just gotta stick the landing.
02:06 [upbeat music]
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