Stuart Goldsmith: Like I Mean It | movie | 2019 | Official Clip
Comedian’s Comedian Podcast host and ‘expert stand-up’ (Times) Goldsmith now commits to the bit. This year: second | dG1fNVBfbmN1eTY0dFE
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Short filmTranscript
00:00 Ladies and gentlemen, I have one last story to tell you.
00:02 I'm going to tell you about how I dropped him.
00:04 Now...
00:05 When you hear people say, "Holding the baby,"
00:15 like, "Muggins here was left holding the baby,"
00:18 that sounds like a negative thing, doesn't it?
00:19 But it turns out it's preferable...
00:21 ..to dropping the baby.
00:25 We take him swimming,
00:29 and I resent that, because as far as I'm concerned,
00:32 the defining characteristic of becoming an adult
00:35 is that no-one can make you go swimming anymore, right?
00:37 You're a kid, you're like, "Come on, we're going swimming."
00:40 "I don't want to." "No-one cares."
00:41 You get dragged along, you've got to get all changed
00:44 and it's all awkward and cold and there's all pubes on the floor
00:48 and none on you and you're like, "Oh, God, I don't know,"
00:51 and then you go for a swim, which is basically a walk,
00:53 except you can immediately die.
00:54 And then you get back from your swim
00:57 and you've got to do the same thing again in reverse
00:58 and it's all cold and chafing and wet and awful and towels
01:01 and you think that's it, you become a grown-up,
01:04 you think, "That's it, no-one can make me go swimming anymore.
01:08 "I'm an adult."
01:09 And then you have a child and your partner goes,
01:10 "Well, you're taking him swimming,"
01:11 and you go, "No, there was a line in the sand,
01:14 "there was a principle..."
01:16 So, anyway, I take him swimming and we go...
01:18 ..we go to our local fantastic baby swimming club.
01:22 Now, there's a lot of things you can do with your baby during the day.
01:24 A lot of them are just basically parent suicide prevention.
01:28 They're just, "Get them out the house, get them back in the world,
01:30 "get them doing stuff."
01:31 They're not all good.
01:32 Baby yoga, I've got some questions about.
01:35 I think... I've never been, but I assume it's just a hippie
01:38 with six babies on a foam mat going, "Just breathe, babies, just breathe.
01:42 "You're probably a bit tired out, a bit wound up after your fifth nap.
01:45 "Just breathe while I count the money."
01:47 But I tell you, a really good one is baby sign language.
01:52 I cannot stress how good this is.
01:54 If you're having a kid, when they're a baby,
01:55 take them to baby sign language.
01:57 They can communicate before they can talk.
01:59 You can learn some basic signs and actually have a chat with them.
02:01 You can learn, like, milk, biscuit, breech, breech,
02:05 snipers, three, on the roof, go, go, stack up, A squad.
02:09 But I do approve of baby swimming, so we go along to rubber ducks
02:20 and we all get in the swimming pool together
02:23 and we swish the babies from side to side.
02:25 I don't know why we take them swimming.
02:26 Everyone knows babies can basically swim anyway.
02:29 We've all seen the Nirvana album cover.
02:30 You wave ten bucks at them and they're just like...
02:34 I think it's because he used to be sperm quite recently,
02:37 so he sort of remembers.
02:39 So we get them there and we swish them around
02:47 as we all sing the school song.
02:49 Often, I'm the only dad there and as a result,
02:51 I've got a deeper register in my voice,
02:53 which means that everyone can hear that I don't know the words or the tune
02:55 and I've got no concept of what key is.
02:57 And it's just me and nine mums in bikinis
03:01 and you can't make friends with them because it's hard.
03:03 I don't respect you at all.
03:07 Swish them from side to side.
03:11 # Welcome everyone to rubber ducks
03:14 # We'll have lots of fun at rubber ducks
03:16 # I wish I were dead at rubber ducks... #
03:19 And I used to resent it. I don't mind it now.
03:23 He quite enjoys it.
03:24 So we finish up and then after the session,
03:26 we go into the changing rooms.
03:28 99% of the mums are in the fema...
03:30 Sorry, 100% of the mums are in the...
03:33 There's not one who snuck in.
03:36 Just hiding in a locker.
03:37 "It's been ages. Give us a look."
03:40 I mean, 99% of the time, I'm the only dad in the gents' changing rooms.
03:45 In the mums' one, they've got chat and bonding and mutual support
03:48 and our trust games, I don't know, knitting.
03:51 And crucially, they have a travel cot,
03:54 which you can put your baby in
03:56 while you do the chafey getting changed awkward bit.
03:58 There's no travel cot in the gents' changing rooms.
04:01 There is now.
04:03 Since the incident.
04:06 So...
04:07 So there's nowhere to put him but a bench.
04:11 So there's a bench there, a bit lower, lower...
04:13 Not a lot lower.
04:15 And I didn't drop him, I put him.
04:18 I put him on the bench.
04:20 And I told him, "Don't fall off.
04:23 "You fall off. No."
04:25 Right? So I held him with one foot.
04:28 So I turned naked to wring my shorts out in the little grill thing there.
04:32 But I couldn't quite reach, so I chanced it and I just hopped.
04:36 He seized the moment.
04:37 He spooned himself off the bench.
04:39 I teleported back across the room and I caught him,
04:41 but I caught him too late.
04:43 I caught him like this.
04:45 Like that. Like...
04:47 I protected the floor, is what I did.
04:50 I got... Probably the replay would show that I got him on the bounce.
04:53 It was probably like...
04:54 HE GROANS
04:55 LAUGHTER
04:57 And he didn't cry, which is worse than if he'd cry.
05:03 LAUGHTER
05:04 And I'm gathering him up and drying him and drying myself
05:08 and freak him out.
05:09 And, of course, the big question, do I tell his mum?
05:11 "No."
05:12 LAUGHTER
05:14 But then what if he's got concussion and they're together
05:16 and I've gone off somewhere else in a few hours,
05:18 and he starts... HE GROANS
05:20 And she doesn't know why.
05:23 Still no. She's got enough on her plate.
05:24 It's fine.
05:26 So I finished getting him dry and I went out just as I was leaving.
05:29 There was another dad in the room on that occasion.
05:31 He was getting his little girl ready for the next session
05:34 and he dealt with it brilliantly.
05:35 He didn't look at me or make eye contact at all.
05:37 LAUGHTER
05:39 Until just as I was leaving, I pushed the door open
05:45 and I shot him a glance that I intended to mean,
05:49 "We shall say nothing of this."
05:51 And he looked back at me with a look that I interpreted as,
05:56 "Fathers for justice."
05:57 LAUGHTER
05:58 So...
06:00 Went outside to the car park, got the kid in his car seat,
06:03 put him in, strapped him in his little baby car seat
06:06 in the back of the car.
06:07 I got in the back of the car next to him, shaking,
06:09 closed the car door.
06:11 He started howling and I joined in.
06:13 LAUGHTER
06:15 Thank you very much.
06:16 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:18 Thank you.
06:19 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:21 Thank you.
06:22 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:24 It's always nice to perform in a venue that looks and feels
06:27 like a really oversubscribed one of those Puzzle Room escape games.
06:31 LAUGHTER
06:32 LAUGHTER
06:33 LAUGHTER
06:34 LAUGHTER
06:35 LAUGHTER
06:36 LAUGHTER
06:37 LAUGHTER
06:38 LAUGHTER
06:39 [BLANK_AUDIO]