Andre Braugher may be gone but these quotes will live forever! For this list, we’ll be going over some of the best and/or funniest quotes by Captain Raymond Holt from “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.”
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00:00 Ouch. You ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.
00:07 Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we're counting down our picks for the top 10 Holt quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
00:13 Cowabunga, mother.
00:15 For this list, we'll be going over some of the best
00:17 Boost my bottom!
00:18 I'm boosting!
00:20 and/or funniest quotes by Captain Raymond Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
00:24 She is magnificent.
00:26 Vindication!
00:31 Number 10. Who's guarding Hades?
00:34 Hello, Raymond.
00:35 Although normally a paragon of professionalism,
00:42 Captain Holt does have a long-lasting and occasionally childish rivalry with Madeline Wunsch.
00:48 It usually consists of them lobbing rather creative insults at each other.
00:53 Oh my God. Wunsch sounds like lunch.
00:57 Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.
00:59 As hilarious as his realization that Wunsch rhymes with lunch is,
01:03 we had to give our pick to this interaction,
01:06 in which Holt questions who's guarding Hades if she's come to meet him.
01:10 Captain Wunsch, good to see you.
01:12 But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?
01:16 Not only do we appreciate Holt's use of Greek mythology in an insult,
01:20 but we also can't help but imagine Wunsch as a three-headed dog.
01:24 I will attempt to cooperate with you under these new circumstances.
01:29 Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
01:31 I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.
01:35 Number 9. The human animal.
01:37 Captain Holt is a refined and classy man with many diverse interests.
01:42 This isn't Burning Man, Boyle. Tell me what I'm eating.
01:45 Food, however, is not one of them.
01:48 Most of Holt's favorite meals seem geared towards being as flavorless and bland as possible.
01:53 Now describe what you taste.
01:55 Cheese.
01:57 And?
01:59 Cheese.
02:00 That's why it's so surprising that Holt approaches Charles Boyle,
02:04 the precinct's resident foodie, for food-related advice.
02:08 Hello, Boyle. After you're done here, meet me in my office.
02:10 I have something I need to ask you. It's food-related.
02:13 However, once they're in his office, Holt immediately dashes Boyle's hopes,
02:17 proclaiming his lack of interest in food and claiming that he'd prefer to consume
02:21 all the nutrients required for the human body through smoothies.
02:25 I have zero interest in food.
02:27 If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies
02:32 containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.
02:35 The mechanical way he describes it is funny and helps to fuel the impression
02:39 that he may secretly be a robot that learned to feel.
02:43 Number 8. Bloop.
02:45 Speaking of Holt's stilted robotic personality,
02:48 the man may be a fantastic captain and a great husband,
02:52 but social interaction is still not his strong suit.
02:55 Your husband is a real hero.
02:57 If you ask me, he should have been up there with Detective Boyle today.
03:00 What for?
03:01 For saving my life.
03:03 Although generally more competent in this area than most of the squad,
03:06 when he does screw something up, he can be as awkward as any of them.
03:10 He means metaphorically, you know, saving him from all that paperwork.
03:14 Paper cuts are slow death, baby.
03:16 No, I was referring to how he threw his body at an emotionally disturbed criminal
03:19 who was trying to kill me.
03:20 After telling Sharon, Terry's wife, that Terry's back on active duty,
03:24 Holt acknowledges that he's caused a problem
03:27 and then transparently fakes getting a text by imitating an alert noise with his mouth.
03:32 Oh, I've caused a problem.
03:34 I think I am getting a text message.
03:39 Bloop.
03:40 Pretty much any time Holt says a nonsense word is great,
03:43 but the added layer of clumsiness makes this one something special.
03:48 #7. What's Up?
03:50 This is day 1,282 of a nine-year mentorship I had mapped out for you.
03:55 Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3,300.
03:59 It was real.
04:00 When the precinct is in danger of closing,
04:02 Amy Santiago is disappointed that she'll lose Holt as a potential mentor.
04:07 After Holt reveals that he was intentionally mentoring her after all,
04:11 she begs him to speed mentor her, typing up everything he says.
04:16 It should take 70 seconds for you to fully gauge someone's character.
04:19 Here's what to look for.
04:20 Grammar, posture, scent, attire, level of perspiration, type of shirt color.
04:24 What's the best type of shirt color?
04:25 English spread, obviously, but let's hold the questions until the end.
04:28 While a lot of Holt's rapid-fire work and life advice is funny,
04:32 the greatest is easily his take on what various greetings mean.
04:35 "Good morning" and "How are you?" both naturally mean "Hello,"
04:39 but according to Holt, "What's up?" is a clear red flag.
04:43 When people say "Good morning," they mean "Hello."
04:45 When people say "How are you?" they mean "Hello."
04:47 When people say "What's up?" they mean "I am a person not worth talking to."
04:51 We're pretty sure most of the Nine-Nine has said that before, though.
04:55 The Box is one of the more unorthodox episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
05:02 following Holt and Jake Peralta attempting to break a suspect in the interrogation room.
05:06 "Okay, we have a few more questions for you, Doctor."
05:09 "Doctor, huh? It's funny when people call dentists 'Doctor.'"
05:13 While Holt primarily plays the role of the more level-headed and intelligent cop on the team,
05:18 one topic sets him off.
05:20 "If you had cancer, you wouldn't call it 'dentist.'"
05:22 "You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school."
05:25 "Why? Because there are fewer dental schools."
05:27 "Because most people want to become actual doctors."
05:30 Although Holt at first appears to be trying to get a rise out of the suspect
05:33 by disparaging his profession as a dentist,
05:36 the Captain soon makes it clear that his feelings about who the title of Doctor does
05:40 and does not belong to are more passionate than at first glance.
05:44 "A PhD is a doctorette. It's literally describing a doctor."
05:48 "Maybe let's refocus."
05:49 "No, the problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word 'doctor.'"
05:54 Personally, we'd love to hear more of his thoughts on etymology. Seriously.
05:58 "I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything,
06:01 and nobody even cares about etymology!"
06:04 "Apparently that was a trigger for me."
06:07 "Yeah, apparently."
06:09 Madeline Wunsch creates or capitalizes on many problems for Holt.
06:20 Early in Season 2, Holt faces several dovetailing issues,
06:24 including a wasteful task force and an internal affairs investigation.
06:28 "Wunsch circling me like a shark frenzied by chum."
06:33 "The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire."
06:37 "An internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity."
06:40 "And you ask, 'Is everything okay?'"
06:43 While drowning his sorrows at the bar, Hitchcock and Scully ask him if everything's okay.
06:47 Holt replies with an impassioned monologue with practically Shakespearean imagery,
06:52 as he laments his current situation in a verbose and brilliantly acted manner.
06:57 "Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel,
07:01 my precinct from my customary helm, my office, and you ask, 'Is everything okay?'"
07:06 You can really tell that actor Andre Brower went to Juilliard.
07:09 "And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp,
07:13 and with it, the very essence of what defines me as a man.
07:20 And you ask, 'Is everything okay?'"
07:26 Too bad he wasted such a fantastic speech on two of his dopiest detectives.
07:31 Raymond Holt has struggled throughout his career as a police officer.
07:37 "Yes, you should be very proud of yourself.
07:39 I know things aren't exactly where you want to be right now,
07:41 but I promise you they will improve."
07:44 Given that he's part of several marginalized groups,
07:46 he has faced plenty of discrimination and ridicule.
07:49 That's why it's so heartwarming to see him support Rosa when she comes out as bisexual.
07:54 "Every time someone steps up and says who they are,
07:56 the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
08:00 So, thank you."
08:03 Holt is also impressed by his detectives for their responses,
08:07 contrasting them to that of his former colleagues,
08:10 saying that they were not "awake."
08:12 "I must say, this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues.
08:16 They were not, as the kids say, awake."
08:18 "Do you mean woke?"
08:19 "I did mean woke, but it's grammatically incoherent."
08:21 His refusal to use the correct term "woke" is yet another classic Holt moment too,
08:26 since it touches on him being a stickler for grammar.
08:29 Due to an unfortunate setup, Rosa and Jake end up imprisoned.
08:36 "Rosa, we're here for you."
08:37 "Rosa, whatever you need."
08:39 "Rosa."
08:40 While visiting the former, Captain Holt and Terry go to comical lengths
08:45 to be accommodating towards her and anything she requests.
08:48 Eventually, she gives them a list of things she wants,
08:50 one of these involves driving her motorcycle,
08:53 which neither finds excitement at the prospect of.
08:56 "Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle,
08:59 so she wants us to take it out once a day. Here."
09:02 "I think you should do this. You're more the biker type.
09:05 I've seen you use a toothpick in public."
09:07 Although Terry tries to beg off, citing his three kids,
09:10 Holt asks if his life somehow matters less
09:13 because he doesn't conform to heteronormative standards.
09:16 "Are you saying my life matters less
09:18 because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?"
09:22 "Are you really playing the gay card right now?"
09:24 "Yas Queen."
09:25 Holt is such a great gay character
09:27 precisely because he doesn't conform to gay stereotypes,
09:30 which makes his monotone delivery of "Yas Queen" even funnier.
09:34 "This year we compete for the most elegant and regal of all prizes."
09:41 "A championship cummerbund."
09:43 "Or belt, as normal people call it."
09:45 While not the most outwardly affectionate man in the world,
09:47 Holt does have a lot of love to give.
09:49 One of the more heartwarming relationships on the show
09:52 is between the captain and his dog, Cheddar.
09:55 But as hilariously awesome as his exclamation of
09:58 "You took the wrong Fluffy Boy!"
10:02 when confronting the man who kidnapped the Corgi was,
10:05 even greater is a case of mistaken dog identity.
10:08 During one of the precinct's annual Halloween heists,
10:11 Holt trains his Fluffy Boy to retrieve the belt
10:14 at the center of that year's heist for him.
10:16 However, much to Holt's surprise,
10:18 the belt, or cummerbund, is a common cummerbund.
10:22 And the dog who brought it to him is a similarly ordinary female dog.
10:27 "Wait a minute."
10:28 "This isn't the championship cummerbund."
10:30 "This is some common cummerbund."
10:33 "You're not Cheddar."
10:35 "This is some common bitch."
10:36 Before we get to our top pick,
10:38 here are a few honorable mentions.
10:40 Sarcasm.
10:42 So what does that make facetiousness?
10:44 "I bet you feel real good about calling her dancing a hobby, huh?"
10:47 Sarcasm.
10:48 The coward's lie.
10:50 Everything is garbage.
10:51 This is definitely a mood.
10:53 "Everything is garbage."
10:55 "Oh, I know."
10:56 "You find something you care about, and it's taken from you."
10:59 "Your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt."
11:04 "Ooooh!"
11:05 "Never love anything."
11:10 Birthed her.
11:11 We'd watch that birth video.
11:13 "Whoa, you really made the balloon arch."
11:16 "Made? No, I birthed her."
11:19 BRB.
11:20 He makes a fair point.
11:21 "Oh, I'm fully freaking out."
11:22 "I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public."
11:25 "BRB, what does it even mean?"
11:27 "Be right back."
11:28 "It has the same number of syllables as the acronym, what's the point?"
11:30 Crime has continued.
11:32 There's no pleasing some people.
11:34 "I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life."
11:36 "I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you."
11:39 "And yet crime has continued."
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11:54 Number 1.
11:57 "Bone?"
11:58 This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest quotes in all of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
12:03 "Are you trying to Monty Hall me?"
12:06 "It's unbelievable."
12:07 "I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life."
12:12 After being forced onto the night shift, Captain Holt and his husband Kevin have an argument over the Monty Hall problem,
12:18 sniping at each other constantly over the phone.
12:21 While Amy tries to educate Holt on the math problem,
12:24 Rosa theorizes that the Captain and Kevin being kept apart is the issue.
12:28 "Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart."
12:32 "You two just need a bone."
12:33 "What did you say?"
12:35 "Don't say it again."
12:36 "I said you two need a bone."
12:37 However, Holt takes loud and vocal issue with the crudity of Rosa's verb choice.
12:43 "How dare you, Detective Diaz? I am your superior officer!"
12:50 "Bone!"
12:51 "What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business."
12:55 The Captain's ensuing meltdown may leave Amy nearly catatonic, but it has us in stitches.
13:01 "Bone!"
13:03 "Don't ever speak to me like that again."
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13:14 [music]