Daliso Chaponda performing at the 2nd Kigali International Comedy Festival
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Transcript
00:00 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03 The one and only Mr. Dalliso Chapunda!
00:07 [MUSIC - DALLISO, "CHAPUNDA"]
00:28 Oh, thank you so much, Rwanda.
00:30 How are you doing?
00:33 Excellent.
00:33 Well, it's been a brilliant night.
00:34 There's been a lot of performance.
00:35 Can you give everybody who's been on a big round of applause?
00:40 Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.
00:42 This is my first time in Rwanda.
00:46 I'm having a ball of a time.
00:49 And I live in England, and my agent was scared.
00:53 My agent said, don't go to Rwanda.
00:55 And I'll tell you what the problem is, people in England,
00:58 they don't know anything about Africa
01:00 other than what they've read in the newspapers.
01:03 Like when I was going to do a show in Kenya,
01:06 they said, don't go to Kenya.
01:07 There's Boko Haram.
01:08 They'll blow you up.
01:10 I went to Kenya.
01:11 Nobody blew me up.
01:13 Then I was going to South Africa.
01:14 They said, don't go to South Africa.
01:15 It's violent.
01:16 They'll kill you.
01:17 I went to South Africa.
01:18 It wasn't violent.
01:19 No one killed me.
01:21 I was going to Nigeria.
01:22 They told me, don't go to Nigeria.
01:23 They're crooks.
01:24 They'll rob you.
01:25 I went to Nigeria.
01:25 They're crooks.
01:26 They robbed me.
01:26 But what I found amazing about Rwanda
01:33 is you don't live up to a lot of the African stereotypes.
01:36 Because I came here thinking I'm coming to an African country.
01:40 And then I stepped out of the plane.
01:42 I look around.
01:44 The streets are clean.
01:47 I was like, what the hell?
01:48 I'm not in Africa.
01:49 I'm in Wakanda.
01:49 Exactly.
01:50 I was like, what the hell is this?
01:52 And then I was getting a little bit tired of waiting in a queue.
01:55 And I wanted to bribe someone.
01:56 And they said, oh, you can't bribe people.
01:58 You can't bribe people in Rwanda.
02:00 You'll get in trouble.
02:01 I was like, what?
02:01 No corruption.
02:02 But it's Africa.
02:03 They said, no.
02:04 No corruption.
02:05 Then I came to this show.
02:06 It started two hours late.
02:07 And I was like, ah, I'm in Africa.
02:08 I'm still in Africa.
02:14 Ah, but I love--
02:16 I've had a crazy year.
02:18 I did Britain's Got Talent.
02:19 I did Britain's Got Talent.
02:21 For those of you who didn't watch it, I ended up coming third.
02:24 And I'm very-- yeah, I'm happy with third.
02:29 Because the way I look at it, coming third,
02:31 if it was an Olympic 100 meters, is like being the first white guy.
02:38 It's very respectable.
02:41 And my parents, they flew over from Malawi
02:45 to watch me in the competition.
02:47 But what was funny is they were giving me African advice.
02:51 There were things like, hey, you shouldn't eat any food backstage.
02:55 The other contestants will try to poison you.
02:57 And the person who won was brilliant.
03:05 He was a musician.
03:06 His name was Tokyo Myers.
03:07 He was brilliant.
03:08 And he did something amazing.
03:10 Do any of you know how much money you win if you win Britain's Got Talent?
03:14 Quarter of a million pounds.
03:17 Lot of money.
03:19 He took that money and he gave it all to charity.
03:24 Yeah.
03:25 He gave it all to charity to help poor children.
03:28 Isn't that beautiful?
03:30 It's beautiful.
03:31 It's inspiring.
03:32 But I've got to tell you, if I had won, uh-uh, no, no.
03:36 I would not.
03:37 I would not.
03:37 I mean, I'm not a monster.
03:39 I would have given some of the money to help poor women.
03:41 But that would have been one by one.
03:43 Personal arrangement basis.
03:50 But what I'm also enjoying about being back in Africa
03:56 is I don't have to live with the stupid questions.
04:00 Because like, have any of you gone to America?
04:03 America, they ask you stupid questions.
04:06 One person approached me and said, hey, you're from Africa.
04:09 Are there cars in Africa?
04:12 I just said, no, we ride the elephant.
04:15 We put the bag in the trunk.
04:16 We say, go, Dumbo.
04:19 One guy asked me, are there post offices in Africa?
04:21 I said, no, we write the letter.
04:22 We put it on the arrow.
04:23 We shoot it to the next village.
04:26 And people think I'm talking about white Americans.
04:29 No, the craziest questions I got was from black Americans.
04:33 Because to them, Africa is the motherland.
04:36 It's their roots.
04:38 I was talking to one guy, Kyle.
04:39 He just wore black pants.
04:40 He got too excited.
04:42 And he came to me and said, yo, dog, you're
04:44 from the motherland.
04:46 Can you give me an African name?
04:50 Can you give me an African name, a good African name?
04:52 I said, OK, your name is now Muzunzo, good name,
04:55 my brother's name.
04:55 He said, no.
04:56 No, dog, I want a real African name.
04:59 I want a name with a click.
05:00 I want something--
05:01 [CLICKING]
05:04 I said, OK, your name is now Ngo Ngo Ngo.
05:06 He said, that's some cool shit.
05:08 What's it mean?
05:08 I said, it means you're an idiot.
05:10 That's what it means.
05:11 [LAUGHTER]
05:14 But it's good, man.
05:14 It's good.
05:15 And Long John was just on.
05:16 Long John was on from Zimbabwe.
05:19 Great guy.
05:19 A lot of people don't know this.
05:21 I did Britain's Got Talent.
05:22 But first, I wanted to do Zimbabwe's Got Talent.
05:25 Yeah, I wanted to do Zimbabwe's Got Talent
05:27 until I found out no matter how many people voted,
05:29 Robert Mugabe always won.
05:31 [LAUGHTER]
05:36 And they're having their elections.
05:37 They're having their elections on Monday, right?
05:40 And it's all crazy.
05:42 And what I don't understand is America
05:44 has sent supervisors to make sure
05:46 that the elections are fair.
05:48 But I'm like, if you've elected Donald Trump,
05:50 you can't send supervisors to supervise anybody else.
05:55 How can you be telling us how to do it
05:57 when you elected that idiot?
06:00 I mean, I don't understand.
06:02 I honestly don't understand.
06:03 How could America have gone from Barack Obama, who
06:07 was intelligent, eloquent man, to go to Donald Trump?
06:13 That's like if you found out that Jay-Z, he's dumped Beyonce.
06:19 And then tomorrow, you see him walking down
06:20 the street with Shady Boo.
06:21 [LAUGHTER]
06:32 Like, what the hell is going on?
06:33 I don't understand.
06:34 [LAUGHTER]
06:40 But it's hard to give away money if you grew up poor.
06:43 Clap your hands if you grew up poor.
06:47 Yeah.
06:48 I remember Christmas time, the gifts were terrible.
06:52 I once went to my dad and said, dad, why does Father Christmas
06:57 go to the neighbors, gives them the big remote control car?
07:02 Comes here, gives me this little metal one.
07:04 The wheels don't even move.
07:06 My dad didn't want to ruin the matter.
07:08 He told me, look, you have to understand,
07:09 Father Christmas is a racist.
07:10 [LAUGHTER]
07:14 And my favorite thing to do, and I'm sure I'm not the only one,
07:17 is I love to sit with these catalogs.
07:20 Where at the back of the catalog,
07:21 it's got pictures of toys.
07:23 And I'd circle the toys that I wanted.
07:26 And I'd say to myself, one day, when I'm rich,
07:29 I'll buy this toy for myself.
07:32 I don't need you, Father Christmas.
07:34 One day, when I'm rich.
07:37 Now I'm older, I can afford the toys, but I don't want them.
07:41 But I haven't changed so much.
07:42 Now I look at women who are out of my league,
07:44 and I'm like, one day.
07:45 [LAUGHTER]
07:48 When I'm rich.
07:50 But you change how you look at relationships as you get older.
07:54 I remember when I was in my 20s, if I was at a bar,
07:58 and I saw a beautiful 20-year-old with a fat 60-year-old,
08:01 I'd be disgusted.
08:03 I'd say, look at that gold digger.
08:06 Gold digger.
08:08 She take me money.
08:09 But as you get older, you realize you can't judge people.
08:17 So now if I'm in a bar, and I see a beautiful 20-year-old,
08:19 I think to myself, I hope she's a gold digger.
08:24 It's my only chance.
08:27 But money does crazy things.
08:29 Like, did you hear this?
08:30 Usher, the singer Usher, gave a woman herpes.
08:36 And to apologize, he gave her $1 million.
08:41 For $1 million, that sounds like a good deal.
08:45 In fact, if you give me $1 million, you can give me Ebola.
08:48 I don't care.
08:51 At least I'll die rich.
08:56 Oh, it's crazy times, man.
08:59 And I got my first hate mail.
09:01 My first hate mail last year because of a joke
09:04 I did on television in England, on Britain's Got Talent.
09:07 What you've got to understand is the crowd was all white.
09:11 They were all white.
09:13 And I was black.
09:14 I mean, I'm still black.
09:17 But I was black in front of all of these white people.
09:20 So I said, hey, 200 years ago, this
09:23 would have been an auction.
09:24 [GROANING]
09:26 Yeah, you are laughing.
09:28 Some of them got very angry.
09:29 Like, the angry racist guy started
09:31 sending me messages on Facebook.
09:33 They were saying, oh, if you don't like the slavery,
09:36 go back to Africa, monkey man.
09:38 And I was like, I don't think this guy knows how slavery
09:40 works.
09:43 It was more import than exports.
09:44 But the angriest message I got--
09:49 [APPLAUSE]
09:53 The angriest message I got, I have to read to you.
09:55 Because I could not believe a person could be this angry
09:59 at somebody they've seen on television once.
10:02 Maybe someone who's broken your heart.
10:04 But a person, he's seen me do jokes about slavery once.
10:06 He's angry.
10:07 And he messages me.
10:09 Fuck you and your motherfucking father.
10:13 Fuck you, asshole.
10:15 No hello.
10:18 He just started with the insults.
10:21 But I don't want to lose a potential fan.
10:24 And I figure maybe he's been watching too much rap music.
10:27 He thinks you've got to talk to people by saying, what's up,
10:29 mofo, yo-yo.
10:30 So I just said, thank you very much.
10:33 You should put that to music.
10:35 You'd make a good rapper.
10:36 [APPLAUSE]
10:38 Yeah.
10:38 He didn't like this.
10:43 He says, don't you ever be here.
10:45 We'll fucking kill you, you bitch ass mother.
10:47 You're a small mother.
10:48 You're like a dumb ass broke bitch.
10:52 And I said, that does not rhyme at all.
10:54 [LAUGHTER]
10:55 [APPLAUSE]
10:58 But you can't take people seriously.
11:04 People get too angry on the internet, man.
11:06 People get too angry.
11:07 And I can't respect one of these internet trolls
11:10 who write you abuse, because it's too easy.
11:12 They don't like you.
11:13 They're sitting in their room alone.
11:15 They go, send.
11:18 I could respect an internet troll like in the 16th century,
11:22 because that took effort.
11:23 They'd see you and be like, I don't like him.
11:25 I'm going to get him.
11:26 I'd have to get a pen.
11:27 Then, oh, page boy, can you deliver this message?
11:35 Oh, fuck this.
11:36 I have a message for you, my liege.
11:42 Fuck you and your motherfucking father.
11:44 [LAUGHTER]
11:47 But the insults are all stupid.
11:51 The worst insults I've got are racial insults.
11:54 I get them a lot when I go to America.
11:56 I get them when I go to England.
11:57 And I realize, though, that racists are lazy.
12:02 If you think about the racial slurs, it's always lazy.
12:05 Like, nigger comes from negra.
12:07 They're just describing black.
12:09 That's what I see, black.
12:10 All the words, they're just describing what they see.
12:12 And I saw this happen live, because I
12:15 was walking through the streets of Liverpool.
12:17 And I was with a white woman.
12:18 And there was this angry racist.
12:20 He got angry.
12:21 But he didn't have a word for a black person with a white one.
12:25 So he just made one up.
12:26 He went, penguin.
12:27 [LAUGHTER]
12:30 Penguin.
12:32 And I was like, penguins are cute.
12:33 How is this an insult?
12:36 But then I thought about it.
12:37 I thought about it.
12:38 And I was like, there's so many other things
12:40 he could have used which are black and white.
12:42 He could have been newspapers.
12:44 [LAUGHTER]
12:45 Or televisions.
12:48 That song by Michael Jackson.
12:50 Michael Jackson.
12:51 [LAUGHTER]
12:54 [APPLAUSE]
12:57 And my father is a politician.
13:03 This is why this guy messaged me.
13:04 Fuck you and your father.
13:06 But my father is a politician in Malawi.
13:09 And I can finally talk about it, because last year, my dad
13:12 was being investigated for corruption.
13:15 Yes, he was being--
13:17 and last month, he was cleared of all charges.
13:21 Oh, I was very happy, right?
13:23 Because I was like, I was sure he was innocent, like 80%.
13:27 No?
13:29 You know, have you ever had a family member accused?
13:31 You're like, of course I believe you.
13:33 But part of you is like, but what if he's not?
13:36 And he was cleared of all charges.
13:38 And I'm so glad, because if he was guilty of being corrupt,
13:41 the first thing I would have called him and I said, hey,
13:43 dad, you're corrupt.
13:45 Why didn't you give me any?
13:48 Where's my cut?
13:51 But my daddy was the minister of education.
13:53 And no matter what grades I got, they weren't good enough.
13:56 If I got five A's, too busy, you'd say, no.
13:59 You're not reaching your potential.
14:01 Apply yourself.
14:03 If I got seven A's, one B, you'd say, no.
14:05 You're not reaching your potential.
14:07 Apply yourself.
14:09 But I understand he was a self-made man.
14:11 He wanted me to be like him.
14:13 But now, you know, I mess with him.
14:14 I call him because Malawi's falling apart.
14:17 I called him the other day and said, dad,
14:19 there are food shortages all over Malawi.
14:20 People on strike.
14:22 Why aren't you reaching your potential?
14:25 Maybe you should apply yourself.
14:26 And it's hard to find love this day and age, man.
14:32 People in relationships, clap.
14:36 OK.
14:37 Single people, clap.
14:40 Wow, lots of single people.
14:41 Lots of single people, man.
14:43 But the world is built for couples, huh?
14:46 Think about it.
14:46 All the holidays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day.
14:51 Why don't they have one Lonely Bastard's Day, where you just
14:56 buy your own box of chocolate?
14:58 But everybody's insecure about their bodies, men and women.
15:06 Women in the bedroom telling you stuff like, turn off the lights.
15:10 Don't look at me.
15:11 And as a man, you're thinking, I'll see you in the morning.
15:14 Men worry, too.
15:18 Men worry all the time.
15:19 And men can't talk about it.
15:21 At least I've heard a woman say to a friend,
15:24 I'm having a bad week.
15:25 I feel bloated.
15:26 And a friend said, no, you look lovely.
15:28 It's all in your mind.
15:29 This is not happening between men.
15:31 I could not call a man and be like, hey, Jabulani,
15:36 I feel like I'm retaining water.
15:38 He would laugh in my face.
15:41 And men worry because we've got to give the women the orgasms.
15:45 You've got to do it.
15:46 But it's very difficult, because it's not just the bedroom.
15:50 We've got to get you in the mood.
15:53 We've got to turn you on.
15:55 Turning women on is like a video game.
15:58 It's like a video game, because you can have it turned on
16:00 in the club.
16:01 You get in the taxi, say one wrong thing,
16:03 you're back on level one.
16:04 [LAUGHTER]
16:07 And you don't remember the combination.
16:13 And this is why you try to be romantic.
16:16 And it is impossible to be romantic enough,
16:20 because you cannot compete with the movies.
16:23 I remember watching "Love Actually."
16:25 You've watched "Love Actually."
16:26 We're watching "Love Actually."
16:29 My girlfriend nudged me, pointed at the screen,
16:30 and she said, isn't that nice?
16:34 Isn't it great the way that he treats her?
16:37 Why don't you ever treat me like that?
16:40 It's a movie.
16:43 It's a fantasy.
16:43 Could I bring home a porn movie?
16:45 Isn't that nice?
16:46 Isn't it great the way that she treats him?
16:53 Why don't you ever treat me like that?
16:55 With two of your friends.
16:56 [CHEERING]
17:01 [LAUGHTER]
17:04 And what was big news in England?
17:07 I don't know if you watch it here.
17:08 Did you watch there was a royal wedding?
17:11 Did you watch the royal wedding?
17:12 The best thing about the entire day
17:14 is there was an American preacher.
17:17 Did you watch the American preacher?
17:19 Oh my god, he was the best thing.
17:21 He brought some soul to the affair.
17:24 He was talking about what is love?
17:26 Love can change the world.
17:29 And you've got to understand that those British people did
17:32 not know how to deal with it.
17:34 Because have any of you been to a white church?
17:37 Like we are used to churches where people are clapping
17:39 and singing.
17:39 The first time I went to a white church, I was like,
17:42 don't these fuckers believe?
17:45 I was like, you have got to get God's attention.
17:48 They were just like, he nominee, nominee.
17:50 It was boring.
17:52 And then in African churches--
17:53 I don't know if you have it in Rwanda, but in Malawi,
17:56 we have got miracles going down.
17:59 Miracles.
18:00 You have to be careful.
18:01 Someone could throw crutches in your face.
18:03 I was once next to a woman who started speaking in tongues.
18:11 I wasn't expecting it.
18:12 I was sitting next to her.
18:13 She got up.
18:14 She went, [MIMICS TONGUE]
18:16 I didn't know what she was saying.
18:17 Now I moved here, I know it was Kenya, Rwanda.
18:19 That's what she was speaking.
18:22 Got a beautiful language.
18:25 Yeah.
18:26 But my family was so religious.
18:28 My teenage years, I started acting up.
18:31 Your parents would have called a psychiatrist.
18:33 My dad called an exorcist.
18:36 I don't know if any of you have ever been exorcised.
18:39 It's no fun.
18:39 They strap you to the bed with ropes.
18:42 They start pouring holy water in your mouth.
18:45 I was coughing and swattering.
18:48 My dad did not think this was enough.
18:49 He believes you spare the rod, you spoil the child.
18:52 There was a big wooden cross.
18:53 He grabbed it, passed it to the priest and said, beat him.
18:56 Beat the devil out of him.
18:59 The priest began to whack me.
19:00 I was on the bed like, ah, ah.
19:02 So understandably, when the priest said, Satan,
19:06 I figured I better play along.
19:08 I better pretend.
19:10 Now I've watched the exorcist movie.
19:12 I cannot turn my head around 360, but I gave it a shot.
19:14 I was like--
19:15 [APPLAUSE]
19:19 I said, yes.
19:20 I am Lucifer.
19:24 [LAUGHTER]
19:27 And he said, Satan, leave this boy.
19:30 I'm living.
19:34 [LAUGHTER]
19:36 Then I got a great idea.
19:37 I pointed at my dad and said, I'm going into him.
19:40 [LAUGHTER]
19:43 [LAUGHS]
19:46 This is good.
19:47 [APPLAUSE]
19:50 Now I'm going to go, but I noticed before earlier,
19:53 when I did the dirty jokes, you guys weren't sure.
19:56 Are you guys like really conservative in Rwanda?
19:59 OK, I'll do one.
20:00 I'll see if you laugh.
20:01 And if you don't laugh, I'll leave.
20:04 If not, I'll do the dirtier one.
20:05 This is a test.
20:07 Because what's your favorite position?
20:09 Like these two girls here, what's
20:10 your favorite position here?
20:11 What, doggie style?
20:15 No, you must be proud of your face.
20:16 Right.
20:17 No, because I thought the best position was 69.
20:22 69 is great, little give, little take.
20:24 But you can't tell because I'm on stage.
20:26 I am a short man.
20:29 69 is tough when she's taller than you.
20:32 I ended up there going--
20:33 [LAUGHTER]
20:36 I think you're fine.
20:47 I think you're fine.
20:47 I'll do the dirtier one.
20:48 I think you're OK.
20:50 You're OK.
20:50 You're still OK.
20:51 There are no children here.
20:52 There are no children.
20:55 Where are the children?
20:57 How old are you?
20:58 Well, it's your fault to bring your child to this show.
21:04 Also, that child is old enough to know the birds and the bees.
21:09 It's OK.
21:10 I won't tell the jokes in front of seven-year-olds.
21:15 But you, you're ruined already.
21:16 It's OK.
21:17 So this is the final joke I'll tell you.
21:19 And it's the only reason I do dirty jokes
21:21 is because I had a bad experience.
21:24 It was New Year's Eve 2014.
21:27 And I was with a woman who got a great idea.
21:29 She said, you know what we should
21:30 do to bring in the new year?
21:32 Instead of going to a party, why don't we just make love?
21:36 As a man, I don't know how to say no to that.
21:38 I was like, OK.
21:40 I'm going to have sex, OK.
21:42 I should have said no because come December 31,
21:45 she said, you know what would make it even better for me?
21:48 Just imagine, I had an orgasm at midnight with the fireworks.
21:55 Midnight is one second.
21:58 One second.
21:59 I couldn't be early.
22:00 I couldn't be late.
22:02 We had to put the clock next to the bed.
22:04 Had to keep looking at the clock, looking at her,
22:06 looking at the clock, looking at her.
22:09 And I thought I was doing a good job
22:10 until the bastards in the next apartment started to shout,
22:13 10, 9, 8.
22:18 I do not work well under pressure.
22:21 I started pinching and poking.
22:25 They're going 6, 5.
22:27 Then I remembered when women are having orgasms,
22:30 you look a bit like you're getting electrocuted.
22:33 No one warns you you're doing your thing,
22:34 and suddenly she goes, huh.
22:42 And like gibberish comes out.
22:43 She's like, don't touch me.
22:45 Just a fancy.
22:45 So I grabbed her finger.
22:56 I stuck it in the sockets.
22:59 I turned on the power.
23:00 She started shaking.
23:02 Her hair was standing on end, and I
23:04 know I shouldn't have electrocuted her,
23:05 but at least I turned her on.
23:08 Thank you so much, Rwanda.
23:10 It's been fabulous being in Kigali.
23:12 See you again soon.
23:14 Keep it going for Micah.
23:17 [APPLAUSE]
23:20 (dramatic music)