Pete Davidson: Turbo Fonzarelli 2023
Transcript
00:00 (gun clicking)
00:02 (soft music)
00:05 (soft music)
00:08 (gun clicking)
00:11 (gun clicking)
00:13 (sighing)
00:17 (announcer speaking in foreign language)
00:23 (sighing)
00:26 (announcer speaking in foreign language)
00:38 (soft music)
00:40 - I just turned 30 this week, so yeah.
00:50 (audience cheering)
00:52 No, it's over, dude, it's over.
00:55 I just stopped, I had to stop doing hard drugs
00:58 'cause you can't be a drug addict in your 30s, you know?
01:01 I'm not like that guy, you know that guy
01:04 that could just do like one bump of Coke
01:06 and he's like, "Oh, I'm so bad," you know?
01:08 Or that guy who'll have like two beers
01:11 and he'll be like, "I might have diarrhea tomorrow."
01:12 You're like, "Fuck you, dude, fuck it."
01:14 Doing drugs in your 20s is fine, there's an excuse.
01:19 You're like, "I'm finding myself."
01:20 It's like, it's cute, you know?
01:22 Do a little bump off an iPad with your friends,
01:25 it's adorable.
01:26 Say cute things like, "I'm a crispy little dolphin."
01:30 Or your boys are like, "Eek, eek, eek," you know?
01:35 And then one of your boys has a kid and you're holding it
01:37 and you're like, "I think I'm a drug addict.
01:39 "I think I need some help."
01:42 I was on a magical drug for the last two and a half,
01:48 three years called ketamine, it was amazing.
01:50 Oh, what a time.
01:52 I thought of amazing ideas, great ideas,
01:56 like an Italian sleep aid called melatonin, sorry.
02:01 So dumb, you go to sleep right away.
02:05 Well, melatonin, sorry.
02:07 No prescription, some guy just gives it to you
02:11 under a bridge and kisses you on the cheek.
02:13 Take one when you hit the thermopipe, all right?
02:18 Hey, oh, sorry.
02:20 If you don't know what ketamine is,
02:24 you probably did it accidentally once,
02:25 if you're a coke head, yeah.
02:27 You'll be doing coke all night, you'll do one bump,
02:30 you'll be like, "Whoa, this is not cocaine."
02:36 Also, am I gay?
02:38 It's embarrassing when you're not on ketamine anymore,
02:45 though, you're like, "Ooh, ugh."
02:48 I'm embarrassed, I was out and about like that,
02:51 that's not cool, you know?
02:53 You know, I was at funerals like that,
02:55 that's fucked up, right?
02:56 I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral like that.
02:58 Yeah, I have to live with that, you know what I mean?
03:02 She'll never know, but still, it's not the point,
03:04 you know what I mean?
03:06 If she was there, she would probably be like,
03:07 "Hey, who are you and what the fuck are you doing
03:10 "at my funeral?"
03:10 You know, I don't know.
03:13 It's embarrassing.
03:14 I was so high, I thought it'd be a good idea
03:16 to go up to her family and go,
03:17 "Hey, I'm just here to pay my R-E-S-P-E-C-T-s."
03:20 Yes.
03:22 Started renting movies on Apple,
03:31 fuck Apple and their rental service, scumbags.
03:35 They're like the mafia, those fucking assholes.
03:37 They're such assholes as a company.
03:39 Did I buy the new phone?
03:40 Of course, but fuck them.
03:43 They're like the mob.
03:44 They're like, "Oh, you're not gonna get a new phone?
03:46 "Okay, guess whose phone's at 43% forever?
03:49 "Fuck you.
03:50 "Every day of your life is now a guess, my friend.
03:53 "You just buy your new dream car, save up?
03:57 "Oh, great, charger port's different, yeah.
04:00 "Every time you get a blowjob now,
04:02 "you gotta be like, 'Sorry, they got a new charger.
04:04 "Sorry about that.
04:06 "I know, Apple, I know.
04:07 "Sorry."
04:08 Scumbags!
04:12 You ever go to rent a movie on Apple
04:14 and it's $4.99 to buy and $3.99 to rent?
04:19 And you're like, "Fuck you, dude!
04:21 "Really?
04:22 "You're gonna make me own Jeepers Creepers 2,
04:25 "you fucking assholes?"
04:26 I don't know.
04:31 My mom's having a midlife crisis.
04:34 Yeah, she's really far up my ass right now.
04:39 You know, she's 55.
04:42 She hasn't been with anybody since my dad died,
04:44 so it's been like 23 years since she's, you know,
04:47 spread 'em, I guess, I don't know.
04:49 But she called me, she's having a midlife crisis.
04:54 She was like, "I wanna get a facelift."
04:56 I was like, "For what?"
04:57 I was like, "You don't even use your face."
04:59 (audience laughing)
05:02 I could get it if she was out getting tagged or something,
05:07 but like, you know, what are you gonna get a facelift for?
05:10 To watch Grey's Anatomy?
05:11 I love Eric Dane.
05:17 Yeah, my mom won't fucking date.
05:24 I'm trying to get her to date, you know?
05:26 She was like, "Your father with my man."
05:28 You know?
05:29 And I'm like, no, at first, it's been 20 years
05:33 of this fucking Nicholas Sparks bullshit.
05:36 I'm tired, I'm tired of it.
05:38 She needs to get out there, okay?
05:40 She needs to sign up to Hinge or fucking Bumble,
05:43 whatever the fucking, the one the ladies get to choose.
05:46 Whatever, girls are so cute.
05:47 They're like, "It's cool.
05:48 "We get to choose who comes on our face."
05:51 Anyway.
05:52 Ain't that nice?
05:56 She needs to get out there,
05:58 'cause all that weird energy
06:02 that's supposed to be on a cock
06:04 goes to me and my sister, okay?
06:08 And it's fucking weird.
06:10 I'll go over to my mom's, I'll hang out,
06:15 I'll eat dinner for an hour,
06:16 and she's like, "Where are you going?"
06:18 I'm like, "Home, what do you mean?
06:21 "Unless we're about to fuck in the shower, I don't...
06:24 "My duties as a son are done."
06:27 It's to the point where I might just fuck her,
06:37 just to get her off my back.
06:38 Yeah, that's what,
06:40 "Ah, maybe you're just not as good as a son
06:41 "as you think you are, huh?
06:43 "I'm the fucking son of the century right here.
06:46 "Give me my ribbon."
06:47 If I fuck my mom over Thanksgiving,
06:51 my grandpa would kiss my forehead and go,
06:53 "Hey, what do you do for your mother?
06:54 "You're a good son, you're a good man, you're a fucking..."
06:56 She's smiling finally, hey.
06:58 She needs to get out there, trying to find her a suitor.
07:09 Someone to fuck my mom, that's a difficult thing,
07:12 'cause you want it to be good,
07:13 but you want the guy to be good as well,
07:14 and that's a rarity.
07:17 Want the type of guy that fucks her missionary only,
07:19 but still makes her come twice,
07:21 rolls over, hands her the remote,
07:22 goes, "Her Dancing with the Stars is on."
07:24 You know, that guy.
07:26 Where is that guy?
07:27 My mom's a good catch.
07:33 55, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years,
07:36 it's like fucking brand new down there.
07:38 Refurbished iPhone, right?
07:41 Screen cracks, you're like, "Should I get a new one?"
07:44 You're like, "No, send it to this weird company
07:47 "called Insurion, and then in three weeks,
07:49 "you get it back, and when you charge it, it's all weird."
07:51 But it gets the job done, pretty much.
07:53 That's my mom's pussy, dude!
07:55 55, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years,
08:00 brand new down there.
08:01 It's like she's like a classic car.
08:03 She's like a '68 Mustang with like 2,000 original miles on it,
08:07 all original interior.
08:09 You go to the dealer, you get behind the wheel,
08:11 you're like, "Where the fuck's this been hiding?
08:13 "It's like brand new in here, what's its story?"
08:16 You know?
08:17 Then the guy's like, "Well, some old guy had it and died.
08:21 "And his son kept it in the garage for 23 years."
08:25 But, better make a move fast,
08:29 I hear the son's thinking of keeping it for himself.
08:31 "Hey, I like the way she drives.
08:36 "This thing is priceless to me."
08:40 My mom was a single mom, you know?
08:47 But all moms are single moms, you know, right?
08:50 You know you're alone, right?
08:52 My mom was so tired all the time,
08:58 and now that I look back, horny, apparently.
09:00 Horny and tired.
09:02 So like, I never wanted to tell her any of my troubles
09:08 because she had no time for anything.
09:09 And any time I told her a problem,
09:12 she always had one solution.
09:13 She'd be like, "You should take a nap."
09:15 No matter the severity of the situation.
09:18 That's the type of person my mom is, in complete denial.
09:20 I could be, well, both my wrists could be cut,
09:23 and I could be holding a knife,
09:24 and I could be like, "I don't wanna be here!"
09:26 And she'd be like, "Have you slept today?
09:30 "You look tired, you look tired."
09:32 She's that type of mom, you know?
09:36 And I remember I had a huge problem when I was 10.
09:39 I thought I was gay, you know?
09:41 I was wrong, but I thought at 10,
09:43 because I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio.
09:45 I was in love, yes.
09:47 I was into girls too, but from Staten Island in 2002,
09:50 no girl was hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in Staten Island.
09:53 What a piece of ass he was, oh my God.
09:55 He still gets pussy today,
09:57 based off what he looked like in 2002.
09:59 He is the GOAT.
10:00 I hope he never gets married,
10:01 running the best catch and release program
10:03 the universe has ever seen.
10:06 Leave him alone, I hope one day I get invited
10:08 to the big yacht in the sky,
10:10 with Tobey Maguire, and sometimes Emile Hirsch, you know?
10:13 Matching Dodger hats, chicks half our age, guts going.
10:17 He don't give a fuck.
10:18 Leonardo DiCaprio don't give a fuck.
10:20 He's all sluppy, he's not even in shape.
10:25 He's all fucking fat, slowly morphing into Jack Nicholson.
10:28 You don't give a shit.
10:30 Walking around on his yacht, looking at babes going,
10:32 hey, I still fuck.
10:34 (audience laughing)
10:36 I still fuck.
10:37 I make one movie so good every three years,
10:42 I just get to fuck.
10:47 The ice caps are melting.
10:48 So when I was 10, I was on my porch, all gay,
10:55 thinking about this guy, you know,
10:57 fresh off of a double VHS of Titanic.
11:00 Spit in my mouth, Jack, I would say.
11:01 Let's fog up a Model T together.
11:07 My dream is to be Fabrizio.
11:11 You know, that's my dream in real life,
11:15 'cause Fabrizio was Leonardo's best friend,
11:17 and then he died.
11:18 That's my dream, dude.
11:20 So I remember I was sitting on my porch, you know,
11:28 and I was like, how am I gonna tell my mom I'm gay?
11:31 You know what I mean?
11:32 My mom's like an Irish Catholic Staten Island mom.
11:35 Like, she didn't tell me I was Jewish 'til I was 25,
11:37 and that's because I found out.
11:39 I did a 23andMe or Ancestry, whatever.
11:44 One of my boys came back, he did it,
11:45 he came back Neanderthal,
11:47 and he was talking all this weird Neanderthal shit.
11:50 He was like, I'm Neanderthal.
11:51 It's actually like the rarest fucking, fucking, duh.
11:53 I was like, you're still a dork.
11:56 You're still a fucking stupid dork.
11:58 But he was talking all this shit,
12:00 and I was like, I gotta get swabbed.
12:02 Maybe I'm Neanderthal or something, I don't know.
12:04 And he came back, I was like 50% Jewish,
12:06 and I called my mom, 'cause I was raised Catholic,
12:08 and you know, all that forever, you know.
12:13 And I was like, Mom, am I Jewish?
12:14 And she was like, yeah.
12:16 So how am I gonna tell her I'm gay,
12:20 you know what I'm saying?
12:21 So I was sitting on my porch all gay,
12:23 my mom pulls up, right, slams the car door.
12:27 She looks at me, she goes, what's wrong?
12:28 I go, nothing.
12:29 And then she says, no, what's wrong?
12:30 I guess she noticed I looked a little gay.
12:32 And I go, I think I'm gay.
12:35 And she goes, are you tired?
12:37 And I go, no, I'm just,
12:38 I don't think sleeping fixes homosexuality.
12:42 Imagine if it did, imagine if gays are just tired.
12:44 Elton John must be exhausted.
12:47 She goes, why do you think you're gay?
12:53 I go, 'cause of Leonardo DiCaprio.
12:55 She goes, that's not gay.
12:56 I go, yes it is, I have posters of him in my room.
12:59 Like Titanic and the beach, you know.
13:02 Not even the movie, The Beach, just him on the beach.
13:04 With Toby, you know, matching Dodger hats, you know.
13:08 She goes, that's not gay.
13:10 I go, yes it is.
13:11 Right there, that was too long of a problem for my mom.
13:13 She just snaps.
13:15 She just goes, all right,
13:16 you wanna know if you're gay, Peter?
13:18 And I'm like, whoa, what the fuck is this?
13:19 A circus all of a sudden?
13:21 Step right up, my son the queer.
13:24 I'm like, relax, you know, we have neighbors.
13:29 They're starting to gather, you know what I mean?
13:31 She goes, this is how you know you're gay.
13:34 She goes, let me ask you this.
13:35 Do you wanna suck his dick?
13:37 I don't know what that means.
13:39 I'm 10, I just don't answer.
13:41 She goes, do you wanna suck his dick?
13:42 And I just keep going, 'cause I don't know.
13:44 I don't know what that is.
13:46 She goes, pull his pants down, grab his dick, you know.
13:49 Put it in your mouth 'til it expands.
13:51 I was like, what?
13:52 Expands?
13:53 The fuck you talking about?
13:54 I'm 10, I got a baby button cock at the time.
13:56 Remember, baby button cock, little weird boy cock.
13:59 It expands, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
14:03 She goes, do you wanna get fucked from behind, Peter?
14:06 By Leonardo DiCaprio?
14:08 Do you wanna look behind you
14:09 and Leonardo DiCaprio's behind you?
14:11 He puts his dick in your little butthole, it expands.
14:13 I was like, you gotta stop with the expansion thing.
14:16 You know, I'm 10, it's 2002.
14:17 Only expansion I'm aware of,
14:19 Houston Texans are now in the NFL.
14:21 That is it, I don't know about cock expansion, mom.
14:24 She goes, you get fucked from behind by Leonardo.
14:27 And he's going to town, and he mushes your face in the pillow
14:31 and then you're down there for 20 seconds
14:33 and then you look up and all of a sudden,
14:35 Leonardo's outside the window waving at you.
14:38 And you're confused
14:39 'cause you're still getting fucked from behind.
14:41 And then you look behind and it's Tobey Maguire.
14:44 Tobey Maguire.
14:45 Is that what you want?
14:48 I was like, sounds like you need a nap
14:49 and that's what you want, you fucking psychopath.
14:52 I just said no.
14:56 And she goes, not gay.
14:57 This is gonna sound weird.
15:05 I don't like doing make a wishes.
15:07 (audience laughing)
15:09 Just 'cause they're sad, yeah, that's all.
15:12 By the way, not getting a lot of offers.
15:14 Believe it or not,
15:16 it's not a lot of people's dying wish to meet me.
15:18 It's usually their wish for me to die, actually.
15:22 Complete opposite, there's a foundation for that.
15:25 I don't like doing them 'cause they're sad, that's all.
15:28 They make me really sad, you know?
15:30 Especially when you're like in a K-hole,
15:32 you know what I mean?
15:33 When you're all on ketamine
15:34 and they're like, this kid is sick.
15:36 You're like, I know.
15:37 And I'm pretty sure I could cure him.
15:41 Listen to Alan Watson, put on The Last Dragon, let's go.
15:48 They're just sad, that's all.
15:51 The Make-A-Wish Foundation called me,
15:52 they're like, we got one for you.
15:53 I was like, that's a weird way to go about it, right?
15:57 I don't know the right one, but.
15:58 Not like, hey, we caught one, real sicko.
16:02 Real sick, real sick one.
16:05 That's what we do.
16:06 They called me, his name's Cavity's dying of cancer.
16:10 I was like, that's so sad, I'm sorry.
16:11 They're like, yes, and his dying wish is to meet you.
16:14 I was like, is it brain cancer?
16:15 So I set it up, you know?
16:22 They were like, do you wanna do this?
16:23 I was like, yeah, you know, I just drove into a house.
16:25 I could use good press, you know what I mean?
16:27 In my defense, that house cut me off, all right?
16:33 Fucking, it was fucking.
16:34 I didn't put that in the article.
16:38 So I'm nervous, right?
16:41 Because I'm not like a good Make-A-Wish guy candidate.
16:44 Like if there was a Make-A-Wish video game,
16:46 I wouldn't be a character you could select.
16:49 Like, "Veep Davidson!"
16:51 You know?
16:53 It wouldn't be me, you know?
16:56 You know who's good at that?
16:57 Johnny Depp, you know, Johnny Depp comes in,
16:59 dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, you know,
17:01 he's like, (mimics sputtering)
17:03 and the kids are laughing and the nurses are wet.
17:05 It's fucking awesome.
17:07 They're fucking all like soaked.
17:08 He's good, you know?
17:12 Or John Cena, the wrestler, he's amazing.
17:14 I think he's done the most ever.
17:16 God bless him, he's amazing.
17:17 He comes in, he has like a championship belt,
17:19 he's all wrestler-y, and he's like,
17:21 "What's up, son? What's up, son?
17:22 "How you doing, champ?"
17:23 You know, and the kid's like, "Oh," you know?
17:25 And he's like, "Wanna hold my belt?
17:26 "Huh, wanna hold my belt?"
17:28 And I'm watching it, I'm like,
17:29 "I don't have a belt."
17:30 You know?
17:30 "What am I gonna do?
17:31 "I have nothing.
17:32 "What am I gonna do, give him my phone
17:33 "and be like, 'Hey, scroll to the right.
17:34 "'Wanna see some ass, dude?'
17:35 "Fuck yeah.
17:36 "Yeah, dude, she's cool, dude.
17:38 "She's actually your doctor."
17:39 Anyway.
17:40 (audience laughing)
17:43 So I was all nervous, you know?
17:46 'Cause I was like, I wanna, you know,
17:47 show up for this kid, I wanna kill it, you know?
17:50 The Make-A-Wish, not actually.
17:52 That would be easier.
17:53 And wouldn't that be great?
17:54 You get murdered by your favorite celeb?
17:56 It's been great, you know?
17:58 Bang.
18:00 (audience laughing)
18:00 So I was thinking, I was like,
18:01 "What's my belt?"
18:02 You know?
18:03 "I wanna crush this, you know?
18:04 "This is a huge deal.
18:05 "I wanna do well."
18:07 And I was like, "Oh."
18:08 I was like, "Okay."
18:09 I was like, "Let's think about it.
18:10 "The kid is gonna die, right?"
18:12 (audience laughing)
18:13 That, no, that's, I'm not being a dick.
18:14 That's just what a Make-A-Wish is.
18:16 That's all.
18:18 You know?
18:18 Otherwise, why would you hang out
18:19 with a kid for three hours?
18:20 That's weird, you know?
18:22 (audience laughing)
18:23 You'd be a pedophile, actually, yeah.
18:25 Ironically, for a pedophile,
18:27 that would be their Make-A-Wish, you know?
18:29 Hang out with a dying weak one, you know?
18:31 (audience laughing)
18:34 Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
18:37 I was molested, so I could make those jokes.
18:39 Yeah.
18:40 I don't give a shit, so there you go.
18:42 Oh, I'm not saying that to be cool.
18:44 I just, I don't have the internet.
18:45 I don't like to do interviews.
18:46 I don't wanna have to be like,
18:47 "Well, actually."
18:48 (audience laughing)
18:51 So I was like, "This kid's gonna die, right?"
18:56 So I was like, "This kid's gonna die.
18:57 "There's nothing I could do, right?"
18:58 But what I could do, I was like,
19:00 "I could tell him all of my secrets."
19:03 Right?
19:05 I have a lot of secrets.
19:06 I don't kiss and tell, 'cause I'm an old-school broad.
19:09 (audience laughing)
19:10 I keep it to the chest, and I hope God gets ya.
19:13 That's how I roll.
19:15 I have a lot of secrets, you know?
19:16 Things I can't tell my friends or my therapist,
19:19 you know, 'cause I don't trust them, you know?
19:21 And I'm pretty sure one of them works for the Daily Mail.
19:24 (audience laughing)
19:26 But I was like, "I could tell this kid, you know,
19:28 "'cause it's like, you know, it's not going anywhere."
19:30 (audience laughing)
19:32 It's like a sure thing.
19:34 Very few things in life are sure, you know?
19:36 It's kinda nice, you know?
19:38 So that's what I did.
19:39 I hung out with him for three hours,
19:40 sung like a canary, told him everything.
19:42 I was like, "This guy's actually cool.
19:44 "This guy's not, you know?
19:45 "This guy's in the Illuminati, you know?
19:47 "This guy needs to be burned to come, you know?
19:51 "One of those is me, and I won't tell you which one."
19:53 (audience laughing)
19:54 And we had an amazing time.
19:55 He was so happy, I was so happy,
19:58 and a huge weight was like lifted off of me, too.
19:59 I got to like tell him some stuff, you know,
20:01 get some stuff off my chest.
20:02 And it was great, it was beautiful.
20:04 He hugged me, he was like, "That was so much fun, Pete.
20:06 "He's like, 'I'll see you around.'"
20:07 I was like, "Well, I don't know about that, but, you know."
20:10 (audience laughing)
20:11 I was like, "Godspeed, little man, you know?
20:13 "Huh, how cool was that?
20:14 "Hit him with the Godspeed, huh?
20:16 "How often do you get to do that in life?"
20:18 I remember I was driving home, I was like,
20:19 "Godspeed, you motherfucker, that's pretty cool.
20:21 "What are you, Magnum PI?
20:23 "That was awesome."
20:23 (audience laughing)
20:25 And I felt great.
20:27 And then a week went by,
20:28 and I went on the Make-A-Wish website,
20:30 and the kid was still alive.
20:32 (audience laughing)
20:35 Started getting a little nervous, you know what I mean?
20:43 (audience laughing)
20:45 I don't know who this kid knows, you know?
20:47 (audience laughing)
20:49 So I called up the foundation, you know,
20:51 check up on him, you know?
20:52 Make sure no miracles are afoot, you know?
20:55 (audience laughing)
20:57 Hey, I held up my end!
20:59 (audience laughing)
21:02 I was promised a dead child!
21:04 (audience laughing)
21:05 I'm tired of people lying to me!
21:07 (audience laughing)
21:10 So I call up the fucking make-a-liars.
21:12 I go, "Hey, you fucking lying, sexist shit."
21:16 (audience laughing)
21:17 They go, "Who is this?"
21:18 I go, "It's Pete Davidson."
21:19 They go, "Oh, Pete, Kevin was just telling us
21:22 "what a wonderful time he had with you."
21:23 I go, "I had a great time too."
21:25 He said, "Yeah, you really shared a lot."
21:26 I go, "Oh, fuck, did he?
21:27 (audience laughing)
21:29 "I guess a pinky promise means dick to Kevin."
21:31 (audience laughing)
21:34 I go, "How's he doing?"
21:37 And they go, "Well, you know, not well,
21:38 "but there's always hope."
21:39 I go, "Yeah, well, how much?
21:41 "How much hope do you think?"
21:42 (audience laughing)
21:44 'Cause if cancer don't get him, I will at this point, okay?
21:46 No's too much.
21:49 They go, "We appreciate your concern."
21:51 I go, "Oh, I'm very, very concerned.
21:53 "You let me know when it happens."
21:56 They go, "We will."
21:58 Hung up, you know, next week.
22:00 Freaking out a little bit, you know?
22:01 Just looking at the phone, you know?
22:04 And then, you know, finally, you know.
22:06 (audience laughing)
22:09 They called, you know, and yeah.
22:11 Wish fulfilled.
22:13 (audience laughing)
22:18 Joke over, he dies, that's it.
22:21 There is no happy ending.
22:23 It is a happy ending,
22:24 in that it's exactly what was supposed to happen.
22:26 (audience laughing)
22:29 I was watching Chappelle's specials, you know?
22:33 And I noticed, yeah, he's the best.
22:35 I noticed when he's like crushing and having a good time,
22:37 he'll be like, "Ah!"
22:38 You know?
22:39 (audience laughing)
22:41 That actually hurt a little bit.
22:43 Chappelle got some thick legs doing that.
22:47 I was like, I wish I had one of those things,
22:49 you know, where I'm crushing and I get to, you know,
22:51 whatever that, you know.
22:53 Maybe when I'm doing well, I'll go like this.
22:56 (audience laughing)
22:58 Wish fulfilled.
23:00 (audience laughing)
23:03 Maybe I'll carry around packing peanuts in my pocket.
23:07 And after a punchline, I'll be like.
23:11 (audience laughing)
23:15 (audience laughing)
23:17 It's been a very sad year.
23:19 I lost my stalker.
23:22 (audience laughing)
23:24 Ain't that sad?
23:25 You know, you really don't know what you got till it's gone.
23:28 (audience laughing)
23:30 You know, I remember when I first met my stalker,
23:32 she was outside my house.
23:34 (audience laughing)
23:35 You know, it's weird when you get a stalker,
23:37 'cause there's two parts of your brain.
23:38 You know, first time you get a stalker,
23:40 you're like, "Oh my God, this is so weird and scary."
23:42 But then there's the other part of your brain
23:44 that's like, "I guess I'm doing well."
23:46 (audience laughing)
23:47 And then you get a good look at your stalker
23:49 and you're like, "Maybe not so well."
23:50 (audience laughing)
23:54 I'll never forget, I met her.
23:55 She was outside my house wearing a shirt with my face on it.
23:59 And it wasn't even a flattering photo.
24:01 (audience laughing)
24:02 It was like blown up and warped.
24:04 My eyes were all over.
24:07 It was like a nightmare.
24:08 It was so, it insulted me.
24:10 I almost wanted to go, it was so bad.
24:11 I wanted to go up to her and be like,
24:12 "Hey, if you're ever gonna do this,
24:14 "here's five photos of myself that I like, okay?"
24:18 (audience laughing)
24:20 So, you know, I pull up, she's out there,
24:22 and she's a stalker, so you know, not hot.
24:27 (audience laughing)
24:29 That's just what you picture when you picture a stalker,
24:31 not hot.
24:32 If they were hot, they wouldn't be a stalker.
24:34 They'd be my girlfriend, you know what I mean?
24:37 So, yeah.
24:38 How much do you love me?
24:39 We'll figure it out, get up there.
24:40 (audience laughing)
24:41 So, I'm outside, right?
24:43 And I pull up and she's there,
24:45 and I don't have a gun, right?
24:47 But she doesn't know that, right?
24:49 So, I was watching a lot of SVU at the time,
24:51 and I notice when they're approaching the perp,
24:54 they usually get out of the car,
24:55 they kind of show their gun,
24:56 and they usually put it kind of in their jacket like this,
24:59 and they walk to, you know, let 'em know they got one,
25:01 but you know, not to alarm people, you know?
25:03 And I didn't have a gun,
25:04 but I was like, "She don't fucking know that," right?
25:06 So, I made a finger gun,
25:08 and I put it in my pocket like this,
25:11 and I started walking towards her, okay?
25:13 (audience laughing)
25:15 So, I'm looking at her like this,
25:17 and she's kind of smiling at me.
25:19 She's kind of, I was like, "Why is she smiling?"
25:22 And then I was like, "Oh, she thinks I have a boner."
25:25 Okay, yeah.
25:26 This is like her make a wish, you know what I mean?
25:28 This is, and then I literally went,
25:31 "Not a boner, just a finger gun,"
25:34 which I think is worse.
25:35 I think I should have just had a boner,
25:36 to be honest with you,
25:37 'cause now I'm like a loser in front of my own stalker,
25:40 and I'm, now she's winning.
25:42 Now I'm bothering her in a weird way.
25:44 (audience laughing)
25:45 So, I go, "What are you doing here?"
25:48 And I don't know where to look,
25:49 'cause I'm on her shirt, and I'm all over the place,
25:54 and she's, you know, I'm a little scared to talk to her,
25:56 so I'm just confused.
25:58 I was like, "What are you doing here?"
25:59 And she was just like, "I love you," you know?
26:02 And I was like, "That's very nice,
26:04 "but you can't be here," and she goes, "Why?"
26:06 And I was like, "Oh, I don't know.
26:08 "It's never gotten this far, to be honest with you."
26:10 (audience laughing)
26:11 Usually you go, "Get the fuck out,"
26:12 and people are like, "Ah, sorry."
26:13 You know, I didn't expect someone to challenge,
26:15 and I was like, "I don't know.
26:16 "You just can't be here."
26:18 And she was like, "Why?"
26:20 And I was like, "I don't know where to go," you know?
26:22 And I was trying to think what to say,
26:25 and then I was thinking about it.
26:26 She seemed a little nuts, you know?
26:28 You know, I'm crazy, so like crazy people could,
26:32 you know, we could tell, you know?
26:35 She's definitely a little nuts, you know what I mean?
26:37 She's, you know, I mean, first of all, look at the shirt.
26:39 You know, you know, you know,
26:43 and she's stalking me, you know what I mean?
26:45 That's, you know.
26:45 (audience laughing)
26:47 So I felt a little bad, you know?
26:49 I was like, "You gotta be, you gotta be like nice
26:51 "and careful with this situation," right?
26:54 So I told her, I was like,
26:57 I kind of, I went like elementary school on her.
27:01 I went like, "Hey," I was like, "You can't be here
27:04 "because this is where I go poopy."
27:07 (audience laughing)
27:10 And after I said that, a little like light flickered
27:15 in her eye, like she was a who from Whoville.
27:18 She was like, "What?"
27:20 I was like, "Yeah, I go poopy here."
27:22 She goes, "Ugh."
27:22 I was like, "You wouldn't wanna be here
27:26 "while I'm doing that, right?"
27:27 And she goes, "No," and I got like a little embarrassed.
27:30 I was like, "Why?
27:31 "You'd be so lucky.
27:33 "You'd be so lucky if you were around my poopy."
27:36 She was like, "What?"
27:37 I was like, "Yeah, you shouldn't come here.
27:39 "I could be pooping and that's gross, you know,
27:41 "and I have Crohn's, so it could be a war zone up there."
27:44 (audience laughing)
27:45 And she was like, "Okay, I'm sorry.
27:47 "I won't ever come back here."
27:48 And then she left, right?
27:50 And I thought the problem was solved.
27:51 No, that is just our first encounter, okay?
27:53 (audience laughing)
27:54 It's a very long story, so buckle in.
27:56 Also, I do have Crohn's.
27:58 I told people I had Crohn's when I was like 20, 1920,
28:01 'cause I had it really bad, and then now it's mostly fine,
28:04 like 90% of the time.
28:06 But like, it's weird.
28:10 I don't like telling people that,
28:12 like, you know, 'cause I got good meds,
28:14 'cause, you know, things are going all right,
28:15 so I'm doing okay.
28:17 But the reason why I'm, I don't,
28:19 that's a gross thing to say,
28:20 but I have to kinda say it
28:22 because people come up to me outside
28:26 and like try to bond with me over like Crohn's.
28:29 (audience laughing)
28:31 And it's just like, not even like at the bathroom,
28:34 you know what I mean?
28:35 Like, I'd just be like in line, like at a store,
28:37 you know, and someone will come up to me and be like,
28:39 "Hey, me too."
28:42 (audience laughing)
28:44 And I'm like, "What?"
28:45 And they just go like, "Mm, yeah.
28:46 (audience laughing)
28:48 "I got a poopy butthole as well.
28:51 "Name's Phil."
28:52 You know what I'm like?
28:53 "Ah, you know, fuck it."
28:54 I don't have the heart to be like,
28:57 "I don't have your Crohn's."
28:58 You know what I mean?
28:59 Like, "Mm."
29:00 I'm like the Magic Johnson of Crohn's, you know?
29:02 (audience laughing)
29:05 Okay, so I go out of town, right?
29:12 My mom and my mom's 79-year-old friend, Terry,
29:18 are watching my house.
29:19 Terry is a girl.
29:20 My mom told me I have to tell people that Terry is a girl.
29:25 (audience laughing)
29:26 After a show once, she came up to me,
29:27 she was like, "You know, Terry could also be a guy's name
29:29 "and we love Terry.
29:30 "And if this comes out and people start talking,
29:33 "we don't want anyone to think she's a guy,
29:35 "so you should say that she's a girl."
29:38 And I said, "Hey, Mom, nobody gives a fuck
29:42 (audience laughing)
29:43 "about you or Terry."
29:46 (audience laughing)
29:49 So my mom and my mom's 79-year-old female friend, Terry,
29:56 are watching.
29:57 Yeah, now the joke's gonna work.
29:59 (audience laughing)
30:01 They're watching my house, okay?
30:03 My mom's oblivious to reality, okay?
30:05 She's a very smart lady, but she's just,
30:08 she's one of those moms that's always like, "Really?
30:11 "No."
30:12 You know, just doesn't believe anything, you know?
30:14 I told her, I was like, "Someone knows where we live.
30:16 "Someone could come over and, you know, hurt you."
30:19 And she goes, "No, no, they're looking for you.
30:21 "They're looking for you.
30:22 "They're not gonna hurt me."
30:25 I'm like, "That's fair, but could you just like humor me?
30:28 "Like, this is scary."
30:29 And I was like, "There's someone, I have a stalker,
30:32 "and you just gotta be aware, you know,
30:34 "in case she comes by."
30:35 And she goes, "All right, well, what does she look like?"
30:37 I was like, "You'll know."
30:39 I go, "Trust me, you know, unmistakable, okay?"
30:42 So I go out of town, okay?
30:46 Stalker comes back.
30:47 She rings the doorbell.
30:48 My mom answers and goes, "Hey, who are you?"
30:51 (audience laughing)
30:52 That's what my mom sounds like, by the way.
30:54 Like an Adam Sandler, "Whoopi" Halloween character.
30:56 (audience laughing)
30:58 "How you doing?"
30:59 So fellas, imagine that, while you're tagging it, huh?
31:02 "Oh!"
31:03 (audience laughing)
31:06 She'll probably say things like, "Oh, thank you, thank you!"
31:09 (audience laughing)
31:11 She's been out the game so long, she don't know dirty.
31:13 "Thanks, sir!"
31:14 (audience laughing)
31:17 So my mom goes, "Hey, who are you?"
31:25 Stalker goes, "I'm Pete's friend."
31:27 My mom, of course, goes, "Well, come on in!"
31:30 (audience laughing)
31:32 Stalker proceeds to watch Grey's Anatomy
31:34 with my mom and Terry for three hours.
31:38 (audience laughing)
31:41 Three hours goes by, my mom finally thinks,
31:44 "Maybe I should call Peter, see if he's coming by
31:46 "to hang out with his friend."
31:48 She calls me, she goes, "Hey, where are you?"
31:50 I go, "London."
31:52 (audience laughing)
31:53 She goes, "Oh, well, your friend's here."
31:56 I go, "Is she hot?"
31:57 And my mom goes, "No!"
32:00 (audience laughing)
32:02 And I go, "You're under attack!
32:04 (audience laughing)
32:06 "Run for your fucking life!"
32:08 (audience laughing)
32:11 I go, "Very important, you gotta go to the garage
32:16 "and call the cops, but pretend like nothing's wrong, okay?
32:18 "Now, I hope none of this ever happens to any of you,
32:21 "but I did get to hear my mom act on the phone."
32:24 (audience laughing)
32:25 Which is priceless for me.
32:28 My mom's always like, "Put me in your stuff."
32:30 And I was like, "All right, make it to the garage."
32:33 (audience laughing)
32:34 "You make it to the garage, get an audition or something."
32:39 (audience laughing)
32:42 So my mom goes to the garage, I go, "Call my boy.
32:44 "I don't know if anybody else has a boy like this,
32:45 "a friend that you've been friends with for a decade.
32:47 "You guys do drugs almost every single day together,
32:50 "and then you don't see him for three months,
32:51 "and then the next time you see him, he's just a cop."
32:54 (audience laughing)
32:57 And you're like, "Tasty?"
32:59 And he's like, "Uh-uh, Officer Tasty now."
33:02 (audience laughing)
33:03 Better change your name on my phone to Officer Tasty.
33:06 So Tasty goes over, okay?
33:09 I'm on speakerphone now with Tasty, my mom, and my stalker,
33:13 female Terry Fledd, okay?
33:15 (audience laughing)
33:24 Tasty goes, "We got her, what do you want me to do?"
33:27 I was like, "You're the cop."
33:29 He goes, "Well, I have her in handcuffs."
33:31 I go, "Very good."
33:32 (audience laughing)
33:33 "It's good."
33:34 He goes, "She's holding a present."
33:36 I go, "Okay."
33:37 I was like, "Open it."
33:38 He goes, "What?"
33:40 I go, "Open it."
33:41 He goes, "Why?"
33:42 I go, "It's a present."
33:43 (audience laughing)
33:45 What do you mean?
33:46 She's a stalker, you know?
33:48 She probably knows me pretty good, you know?
33:51 Probably a good gift, I don't know.
33:53 I got a lot of shitty gifts.
33:54 She might have, you know.
33:56 He goes, "Bro, it could be a bomb."
33:59 I go, "Dude, she can't make a bomb.
34:00 "She can't even make a T-shirt.
34:01 "You think she's gonna fucking put a bomb together, dude?"
34:04 He goes, "All right."
34:08 I'm on speakerphone, I just hear this.
34:11 I hear, (blowing)
34:13 and then my boy just goes, "Oh!
34:17 "No!
34:19 "Bro!
34:22 "This is disturbing!"
34:25 Which is a very big word for tasty.
34:28 He's never pulled the three syllables before.
34:30 I go, "What is it?"
34:33 He goes, "Bro, it's 20 pairs of soiled underwear."
34:37 Oh, fuck you, no one's ever done that for you.
34:41 Don't talk about my girl like that.
34:46 Only I can.
34:47 You wish your girl gave you 20 pairs of dookie draws.
34:52 Yeah, it's fucking thoughtful.
34:54 I called my girl, I was like, "You gotta step it up!
34:57 "You never even met female Terry."
34:59 20 pairs, yes, it's gross, but it's thoughtful.
35:07 One pair is gross.
35:09 One pair is a hit.
35:10 That's a fuck you, here's my shit, you know what I mean?
35:13 20 pairs is a crime of passion.
35:16 Yeah, it's crazy, but then again, so is love.
35:22 I have Crohn's, maybe she was trying to communicate with me
35:24 through some weird fecal matter thing.
35:27 I don't know, she's bonkers.
35:29 20 pairs, that's thoughtful, that takes time.
35:33 You can't knock out 20 pairs of doodie draws in one day.
35:38 Even if you had diarrhea,
35:40 by the 11th pair, it'd be a little light.
35:42 I like to think it was a day at a time.
35:46 I do, every night.
35:48 I like to think about it.
35:51 I like to picture, you know, she comes home from a long day
35:54 of eating Hot Pockets on an Acer computer, right?
35:57 She runs upstairs, you know?
36:02 She starts undressing, you know?
36:06 In front of the wall of Pete.
36:09 It's all just posters of me,
36:15 but she don't even know how to make posters either,
36:17 so I'm all just everywhere.
36:20 (audience laughing)
36:23 She puts on a sexy song, well, sexy to her,
36:27 so like Mambo No. 5, essentially.
36:29 (audience laughing)
36:32 Starts the seance, you know, lights a candle,
36:35 blows it out with a fart, you know, it gets going.
36:37 (audience laughing)
36:40 She looks up at me, you know, I'm looking at her somewhere.
36:46 She plants 'em, you know?
36:50 (audience laughing)
36:52 One, two, three, four, five, six.
36:55 (audience laughing)
36:56 (mumbling)
36:59 (farting)
37:01 Did you say I really don't want.
37:05 (farting)
37:07 And she fucking gives a noogie, you know,
37:14 gets a good fucking.
37:16 (audience laughing)
37:18 And then she fucking Kobe right into a little box for me.
37:22 And she goes, ooh!
37:23 19 to go, poopy surprise for Petey, ooh!
37:29 It's my fantasy and I'll jerk off to it if I want to.
37:34 (audience laughing)
37:37 Tasty goes, what do you want me to do?
37:40 I go, get rid of her and keep one of those pads.
37:43 (audience laughing)
37:46 So now I gotta get a restraining order.
37:49 You know, so that means I have to go to court,
37:51 tell a bunch of, you know, officials I'm afraid of this lady.
37:55 (audience laughing)
37:58 So I'm at court, about to go in, Tasty comes back to me.
38:03 He goes, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
38:06 I go, fuck you, you know, what'd she say?
38:09 (audience laughing)
38:12 He goes, she's not gonna be able to be here today.
38:17 She's gonna be on the iPad.
38:19 And I go, what, what the fuck?
38:20 She's not, what do you mean she's not gonna be here?
38:22 She's a stalker, her job's to show up.
38:24 What do you mean?
38:25 (audience laughing)
38:28 What, she try to get in my head or something?
38:30 'Cause it's working.
38:31 (audience laughing)
38:33 So I was a little sad, you know?
38:36 'Cause that dookie surprise was thoughtful, so gross.
38:41 You know, so I was a little excited to see her a little bit.
38:44 I didn't try to look hot or anything,
38:47 but you know, I picked an outfit, you know, yeah.
38:50 Hell yeah, you know, an outfit that said, you know,
38:53 like, hey, don't give up, you know what I mean?
38:56 (audience laughing)
38:58 Some things are worth fighting for.
38:59 Restraining order, smashmaning smorter.
39:03 (audience laughing)
39:06 I go, what happened, Tasty?
39:11 What happened to my girl?
39:13 He goes, bro, she was deemed unfit to stand trial.
39:18 Deemed unfit to stand up at a trial.
39:24 That means a bunch of medical professionals
39:26 and officers of the law saw her and were like, no.
39:29 (audience laughing)
39:33 I immediately felt insulted.
39:35 It's a little fucked up, don't you think?
39:38 That's embarrassing for me, don't you think?
39:41 Deemed unfit.
39:42 I don't think you understand how insane that is.
39:46 Let me put it in perspective for you.
39:48 Jeffrey Dahmer was deemed fit to stand trial.
39:53 A guy who murdered and ate gay people.
40:00 One chick is into me, off to the nut house.
40:03 (audience laughing)
40:04 Are you fucking kidding me?
40:06 That's ridiculous.
40:08 Killing and eating gays in poopy pants aren't the same.
40:11 First time in my life I was like, I gotta vote.
40:17 System is corrupt.
40:22 Tasty goes, there's one more thing.
40:32 She said you guys have been communicating.
40:34 I go, dude, I swear to, he goes, telepathically.
40:37 I was like, whew.
40:37 (audience laughing)
40:39 Thought they found my burner.
40:41 He goes, telepathically.
40:46 She said that you actually told her
40:47 to come over with your mind.
40:49 I go, whoa, that's fucked up.
40:52 And then he left and I was alone.
40:54 And I was a little sad and I was in my cool outfit.
40:56 And I just had a moment of honesty and I was just like,
41:00 hello.
41:03 (audience laughing)
41:06 I miss you.
41:09 You weren't supposed to tell anybody that we could do this.
41:15 Also, you were supposed to kill Terry and my mom.
41:19 So we get the house.
41:22 I got your panties in my pocket.
41:26 Zip lock to preserve the stanch.
41:30 (audience laughing)
41:33 So I go to trial.
41:38 I win, which is nice.
41:41 I never win in life.
41:42 Judge comes up to me and he goes,
41:46 she fits the requirements for prison.
41:48 I go, what?
41:49 He goes, do you want to send her to prison?
41:51 I go, no, I just want her off my lawn.
41:53 Like Gran Torino, get off my lawn.
41:57 But no big deal.
41:58 You know what I mean?
42:00 Restraining order, you know, like,
42:01 restrain her to like, I don't know, the upper deck
42:03 so she can still pay for shit.
42:04 You know what I mean?
42:05 Come to the show.
42:07 He goes, you don't want her arrested.
42:08 I go, no.
42:09 He goes, that's very noble of you.
42:10 I went, thank you, sir.
42:11 And then he goes, we will do plan B then.
42:17 He just smacks the hammer.
42:19 And everybody's like, whoa, wait, what's plan B?
42:22 He goes, oh, it's nothing.
42:24 He goes, we're going to sentence her to like six months
42:26 in a mental rehab facility.
42:27 I was like, what?
42:29 I was like, that's not safe.
42:30 I was like, that's like the one place I'd bump into her.
42:32 Might as well sentence her to Dave and Busters
42:37 while you're at it.
42:38 Rehab's like, cheers for me.
42:43 It's where everybody knows my name.
42:45 Months went by, I got the restraining order.
42:53 Didn't really hit me until the first time
42:54 I pulled up to my house and no one was there.
42:58 And I went, oh.
42:59 I was reminiscing with my mom.
43:04 I was like, remember?
43:05 Remember she'd be out there?
43:06 Mm-hmm.
43:08 Remember?
43:09 Remember for Christmas one, she sent us all those cookies
43:11 and we made female Terry eat them first
43:13 to make sure they were good?
43:16 So I started missing her a little bit.
43:23 So once in a while, I'd be like, hello.
43:25 Where are you?
43:27 She wasn't receiving my signals.
43:28 So I made a finsta and I started stalking her a little bit.
43:36 I found her.
43:38 She's doing well.
43:39 Seems to be for the best.
43:43 And I was scrolling through.
43:47 Because she's a stalker.
43:48 I'm like, you don't just stop stalking.
43:51 You pick someone else, I assume.
43:54 And I was going through her Instagram
43:56 and I found out she's a Jack Harlow fan now.
44:01 And I like Jack, but that fucking hurt.
44:03 You know what I mean?
44:05 That's a kick in the dick.
44:06 I was like, if you become a Matt Rife fan,
44:08 I'll fucking kill myself.
44:09 I swear to God.
44:10 So I was watching it.
44:15 I came across this video of her outside of a Jack Harlow show.
44:21 And Jack Harlow comes out and I see her.
44:25 I zoom in and she's wearing a Jack Harlow t-shirt.
44:29 And I guess she figured out how to do it because he
44:31 looked good in the photo.
44:33 And I was like, oh.
44:35 Oh, I was just practice.
44:37 Jack comes out.
44:42 She goes, I love you, Jack.
44:43 Even worse, Jack goes, hey, I love you too.
44:48 Says her name.
44:49 I went, oh.
44:51 I went, oh, I bet that meant so much to her.
44:54 You know, I was calling her the thing.
44:56 You know?
44:56 I didn't know.
45:00 I didn't know.
45:01 I feel like I'm going to throw up watching this.
45:06 Jack's about to get in his vehicle to leave.
45:09 And she goes, hold on, Jack.
45:10 I got a present for you.
45:11 I was like, oh.
45:12 Guys, I felt like I was about to watch my girlfriend get
45:18 fucked by my best friend.
45:19 I was like, no.
45:22 No.
45:24 She goes into her backpack.
45:25 You know, and her arm gets deeper and deeper.
45:27 And I was like, no.
45:27 Oh, my god.
45:30 And then she pulls out an envelope, hands it to Jack,
45:35 and goes, I made that for you.
45:36 And he goes, thanks so much.
45:37 Puts it in his jacket, drives off.
45:39 Video over.
45:40 I log out.
45:42 And I start smiling to myself.
45:43 Just an envelope, huh?
45:50 Ha!
45:52 You can't fit 20 pairs of dookie draws in an envelope.
45:56 Couple of legal disclaimers.
46:03 So she actually didn't send me 20 pairs of underwear.
46:08 She sent me two.
46:09 But it smelled like 20.
46:10 She also did not become a Jack Harlow fan.
46:15 I just made that up for hilarity.
46:18 And three, and this is the most important,
46:19 I did fuck her brains out.
46:22 I'm just kidding.
46:23 I just ate her box.
46:24 That's it.
46:25 I got super freaked out because my address got out.
46:32 So I bought--
46:34 I moved to the woods.
46:37 It's awesome.
46:39 I was looking for a house for a really long time.
46:41 And my realtor really did not like me.
46:44 Because at first, she was excited.
46:46 She was like, you're my first, you know, bee.
46:48 And I was like, uh.
46:49 I was like, uh.
46:52 You know?
46:53 But she would get annoyed because I saw like two--
46:55 this is not a joke.
46:56 I saw like 200 houses.
46:58 I wanted every one.
46:59 Like I would cock tease.
47:00 I'd be like, this is going to be it.
47:02 And then, you know.
47:04 Because I would get excited.
47:05 She hated me because it was taking so long.
47:07 And I understood.
47:08 But I would get very excited about every house.
47:10 Because I grew up in mostly just apartments.
47:13 So every house was crazy to me.
47:16 You know, I'd be like, oh my god, like a backyard.
47:18 Like, what the fuck?
47:20 An above ground pool.
47:21 How'd they get it out the ground?
47:23 Oh my god.
47:24 This must be one of them Frank Lloyd Wright houses.
47:27 I would get intoxicated by words I never heard before.
47:33 She'd be like, this could be your foyer.
47:34 I'd be like, fuck yeah, it could.
47:36 Yeah.
47:38 Yeah.
47:39 Foyer.
47:41 Then there was this one house that I was like, I--
47:45 I was like, I'm going to get this house.
47:46 I knew I was going to get it.
47:48 OK.
47:49 I was with my boys and her.
47:51 She was really exhausted.
47:53 She didn't believe-- she wouldn't believe
47:55 that I was going to pick one.
47:57 But I was like, I really love this house.
47:58 All that was left to see--
48:01 and it was the master bedroom, OK, which is now the primary.
48:04 OK.
48:05 At the time, I did not know it is now called the primary.
48:09 OK.
48:09 I thought it was called the master bedroom.
48:11 I also didn't know it was called the master bedroom because
48:14 of slavery.
48:15 I did not know that.
48:16 I thought it was the master bedroom because in life,
48:19 when you buy a home, you, of course, become a master.
48:23 [LAUGHTER]
48:26 You know?
48:27 People come over, they're like, nice house.
48:28 You're like, yeah, I'm a fucking master.
48:30 [LAUGHTER]
48:33 I don't really think of slavery when I'm in houses.
48:36 You know what I mean?
48:36 That's all.
48:37 You know?
48:38 I don't go-- and I'm like, which one's the slave room?
48:40 You know, I'm not--
48:42 show me the slave room.
48:44 So I love this house.
48:46 I think I'm about to get it.
48:47 I decide, like, it's been a long time.
48:50 I'm going to do a bit for my realtor, make her laugh.
48:52 You know?
48:54 So there's a coat rack in the living room.
48:57 OK.
48:57 I grab it.
48:58 And I go, show me the master bedroom!
49:02 [LAUGHTER]
49:06 I know.
49:14 My realtor, who is black, by the way, is speechless.
49:20 She's-- she looks like she's trying to tell me something,
49:23 probably to stop.
49:26 But I'm in full bit mode.
49:27 So every time she goes, I go, don't interrupt the master!
49:33 [LAUGHTER]
49:36 Show me my master bedroom, the room bigger than all the rooms,
49:41 for I am the king!
49:42 [LAUGHTER]
49:46 My boys are on the floor dying laughing,
49:48 because they're racists.
49:49 So they're having the fucking best time.
49:51 [LAUGHTER]
49:54 Finally, she grabs the coat rack and goes, stop!
49:58 She goes, you've got to stop.
50:02 I'm trying to tell you it's the primary bedroom.
50:05 It's not the master bedroom.
50:06 It's because of slavery.
50:08 It's a big deal about that now.
50:11 I was like, oh.
50:11 [LAUGHTER]
50:15 My boys started, like, slowly getting up.
50:17 Like--
50:18 [LAUGHTER]
50:21 Yeah.
50:23 And then she just handed me the coat rack.
50:25 [LAUGHTER]
50:28 And it was quiet and awkward.
50:30 And I didn't know what to do.
50:31 But then I was thinking, you know,
50:33 if I've learned anything in almost 15 years of comedy,
50:37 it's that you commit to the bit.
50:41 Yes.
50:42 Especially if it's not working.
50:46 So that's what I did.
50:47 I went, you didn't let me finish!
50:50 We are all masters of our own rooms.
50:54 It's a figure of speech.
50:57 Getting rid of slavery would have been my first degree.
51:00 [LAUGHTER]
51:04 Upon further review, I will take this house
51:09 if you sign this NDA.
51:11 [LAUGHTER]
51:15 Perhaps in the primary foyer.
51:17 [LAUGHTER]
51:23 So I live in the woods.
51:24 [LAUGHTER]
51:33 My mom made a fake Twitter account
51:36 to defend me from trolls.
51:39 Aw, it's always aw when it's not your mom.
51:41 You ever realize that?
51:42 Someone else's mom, aw, when it's your mom,
51:45 you're like, fuck you!
51:46 [LAUGHTER]
51:49 So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me online,
51:52 like, a couple of years ago.
51:54 The username was Joe Smith, 1355.
51:58 That's very smart.
51:59 That is not her name.
52:02 But she's a mom, right?
52:03 And she doesn't know how Twitter works.
52:04 So the username might have been Joe Smith, 1355.
52:08 But the profile name was Amy Davidson.
52:10 [LAUGHTER]
52:16 Icing on top, profile picture, also Amy Davidson.
52:19 Yes.
52:19 [LAUGHTER]
52:24 So I'm reading hate tweets one night
52:25 while I masturbate to make myself stronger.
52:28 [LAUGHTER]
52:30 And I was scrolling through, and I
52:33 see this one account defending me left and right.
52:35 Now, back in the day, when you used Twitter on Safari,
52:38 you didn't see the profile name or the picture.
52:40 You just saw the username.
52:41 So I'm reading all these tweets.
52:43 And people are being very mean.
52:44 But Joe Smith, 1355, defending me left and right.
52:47 I was reading all these nice tweets about me.
52:50 Joe Smith, 1355.
52:51 It was to the point I was like, this is why I do this.
52:54 Thank you, Joe Smith, 1355.
52:59 You know?
52:59 And then I was reading all these tweets.
53:01 And then there was one tweet that was too specific.
53:04 And I literally said out loud, this is my mom.
53:06 [LAUGHTER]
53:09 Which is a weird thing to say, mit jerk.
53:11 [LAUGHTER]
53:13 And then have to finish after that.
53:15 Like, after this, I am going to call her.
53:17 [LAUGHTER]
53:21 I knew right away this was the tweet.
53:23 The hate tweet was, Pete Davidson is gay.
53:26 [LAUGHTER]
53:28 Joe Smith, 1355, writes, actually, he's not.
53:33 He may have thought he was gay as a child because
53:39 of Leonardo DiCaprio.
53:41 Take a nap, hater.
53:43 [LAUGHTER]
53:45 I call my mom.
53:46 I go, Joe Smith, 1355?
53:52 She goes, what gave it away?
53:55 I go, your profile name and picture are of you.
54:00 And she goes, ah, Terry.
54:02 [LAUGHTER]
54:05 Which means my mom made a Twitter account
54:08 with her 79-year-old female friend Terry.
54:11 And Terry was calling the shots.
54:14 [LAUGHTER]
54:15 Guys, thank you so much.
54:16 That's been a lot of fun.
54:17 [APPLAUSE]
54:18 Have a good night.
54:19 All right.
54:20 [APPLAUSE]
54:24 [MUSIC - KIA BOY, "CORNY"]
54:27 Boss up now, I tell them when to go like I'm E40.
54:29 2019, I spent half the checks I got on Cody.
54:32 Now I got superpowers.
54:33 Look at how high I be floating.
54:34 I don't ever play no games, but I'm always loading.
54:37 I got a sweet tooth, so I dip my car in candy coating.
54:39 Kia boy, when I was 13, what I drove was stolen.
54:42 My 28th birthday, my homie Pete bought me a Rollie.
54:44 All these rappers corny.
54:46 Why when it was really beef?
54:47 The way you act don't match the way you talking on your story.
54:49 We got the footage from the hotel because my dog recorded.
54:52 Put him to sleep, turn the audio up.
54:53 You hear him snoring.
54:54 I'm from Cleveland, but we on bullshit like Michael Jordan.
54:57 They gonna protect me at all costs
54:58 because what I do important.
54:59 Don't wake the beast inside of me up.
55:01 He been laying dormant.
55:02 2012, I lost two million fucking up a doorman.
55:05 Skinny tatted, tall white boy, rock and rolling.
55:07 I killed a lot of rappers.
55:08 I don't respect law and order.
55:10 Open that backpack like I'm Dora.
55:11 Pull up in Explorer.
55:12 Switched out, pull up in that Aspen.
55:14 Blew the fucking motor.
55:15 Four leaves in the blood I'm mashing.
55:16 I'm smoking a clover.
55:17 Seven figures if they booking me.
55:19 Tell the promoter.
55:20 Walking out with bags that look like I just came for Kroger's.
55:22 The truth is that I fucked your mom.
55:24 You'll find out when you're older.
55:25 Can't stop, won't stop, always rolling.
55:27 Gotta keep it on me so I don't get lonely.
55:30 We the new mob and I feel like Tony.
55:32 Reppin' for the team 24 like Kobe.
55:34 Why you mad, ho?
55:36 Get your man, ho.
55:37 We gon' light his ass up like a candle.
55:39 What's the plan, ho?
55:41 What you saying, ho?
55:42 Shake it to your cheeks, spray to show your ass, ho, yeah.
55:45 All we gotta do is pull up.
55:46 We gon' have all the bitches.
55:47 All you gotta do is say it's up.
55:49 You gon' have our attention.
55:50 Niggas don't be there, so I don't kick it.
55:51 Less is about some business.
55:52 Trap nigga, we done brought my way to--
55:56 (dramatic music)
55:58 [BLANK_AUDIO]