Top 10 Most Savage House Comebacks
Nobody delivers a comeback like House. Welcome to MsMojo, and today we’re counting down our picks for the most cutting and amusing quips from Dr. Gregory House on the TV series “House.”
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00:00 Make that squawking sound. It's completely harmless.
00:03 I'm gonna give you a prescription, and you are gonna go away.
00:06 Welcome to MsMojo, and today we're counting down our picks
00:10 for the most cutting and amusing quips from Dr. Gregory House
00:15 on the TV series House.
00:17 I still know how to handle a patient.
00:19 Get me blood. Lots of blood.
00:21 You're better. Big shower.
00:24 Number 10. Aliens.
00:27 Cain and Abel. The truth is out there.
00:30 In this episode, House's team gets a young patient
00:34 who is seemingly abducted by aliens
00:37 after experiencing a strange event in his room
00:40 and ending up on his front lawn.
00:42 Naturally, House and most of his team are sceptical.
00:46 He had all his vaccinations, fractured his right ulnar at age 3,
00:50 chickenpox at age 5.
00:51 Did he ever get his feelings hurt?
00:53 I'll need to know that, too.
00:56 However, Dr. Robert Chase is a bit more open-minded.
01:00 The Australian doctor wants to believe,
01:02 citing the vastness of the universe as evidence
01:06 of the likelihood that we're not alone.
01:08 Enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies,
01:11 100 billion stars per galaxy,
01:13 and 10 million billion planets in the universe,
01:15 that we're the only ones with life.
01:17 However, House is ready with a witty rejoinder
01:20 about how humanity is still unique in one respect.
01:25 I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors.
01:28 Number 9 sounds familiar.
01:30 Living the Dream.
01:32 Hospital inspections would probably be stressful enough in any hospital.
01:37 However, Princeton, Plainsboro has House running around.
01:42 What do you want?
01:42 An autographed picture would be nice.
01:45 Oh, and I'm also going to save your life.
01:51 And wouldn't you know it,
01:52 the guy has kidnapped his favorite soap opera star
01:55 while the inspection is taking place.
01:58 Just let me go.
01:59 I won't press charges.
02:00 Forget the whole thing.
02:02 That's probably true.
02:03 Seems how you have a brain tumor.
02:05 While he manages to stay out of the inspector's way
02:08 for most of his time there,
02:10 House eventually runs into him in the morgue.
02:13 When the inspector, Dr. Jamie Conway,
02:16 hits House with a familiar social nicety,
02:19 House responds with a legendarily sarcastic response.
02:23 Dr. House, I don't think we've met.
02:25 Dr. Jamie Conway, I've heard your name.
02:27 Most people have.
02:28 It's also a noun.
02:29 Given how many people's names are also common nouns,
02:33 here's hoping you can use this line the next time someone says this to you.
02:38 Number 8, Love and Hate.
02:40 Occam's Razor.
02:41 House and Dean of Medicine, Dr. Lisa Cuddy,
02:44 have a contentious relationship.
02:47 You're half an hour late.
02:48 Busy case load.
02:49 One case is not a load.
02:50 So how are we doing on cotton swabs today?
02:53 If there's an acute shortage, I can run home.
02:55 No, you couldn't.
02:56 Nice.
02:58 Among the many things they argue over
03:01 is House's shirking of his hours at the hospital clinic.
03:05 Even when he does show up,
03:06 his attitude about it often puts patients off.
03:10 However, as much as he gets to her,
03:13 so too does she get to him.
03:15 After a particularly contentious meeting between the two of them,
03:19 House is questioned about their apparently fractious chemistry.
03:24 Is this important?
03:25 Uh, no.
03:25 Good.
03:26 What's with you and her?
03:30 Don't.
03:31 You're a thing for her.
03:32 House responds with his own opinion on the old expression
03:35 about the thin line between love and hate.
03:38 There is not a thin line between love and hate.
03:40 There is, in fact, a great wall of China with armed sentries posted
03:43 every 20 feet between love and hate.
03:46 It's a great line, though given his and Cuddy's
03:49 eventual romantic relationship,
03:51 maybe it's not exactly accurate in this case.
03:56 Number 7.
03:57 Easiest Diagnosis
03:59 Que sera, sera.
04:00 As we stated, House hates being forced to do clinic duty,
04:05 and given some of the obnoxious and downright stupid things
04:09 he hears from patients, it's pretty understandable.
04:13 One of the gold standard examples of the latter
04:16 comes in the form of a man who comes in complaining of arm pain.
04:20 It's usually worst in the morning, especially if I've slept on my arm.
04:24 Except the man's arms only hurt in very specific circumstances,
04:29 after he's slept on them at night.
04:32 So your arm only hurts after you lie on top of it all night.
04:36 House's blunt and sarcastic response to the man is priceless.
04:41 Well, have you thought about, I don't know, not doing that?
04:44 If only all his diagnoses could be this simple and easily treatable.
04:49 Number 6.
04:50 Working Hard
04:52 Remorse.
04:53 When House goes through therapy, one of the things he needs to do
04:56 is reach out to people he's wronged.
04:59 However, given his abrasive personality, that's a long list.
05:03 To that end, House decides to reach out to Lorenzo Wibberly,
05:07 a guy whose tests he switched with in school.
05:10 Of all the people to go the extra mile for, why this guy?
05:14 I don't know. He just kind of smells good and makes me laugh.
05:18 Why not Cuddy? You never apologised after you defaced her photo.
05:21 But Wilson thinks his friend has more to apologise to Cuddy for.
05:26 Through their conversation, Wilson realises it's because House cares for her more,
05:32 and thus finds it more difficult.
05:34 I'm just pointing out that it's much easier to soothe your guilt by throwing money at a stranger
05:39 than by making amends to a person you actually care about.
05:43 House, eager to end the discussion, comes up with a dynamite,
05:47 though childish and transparent, excuse.
05:50 I'm gonna pretend to go to work now.
05:52 Number 5.
05:59 Urgent Call, Both Sides Now
06:02 Speaking of excuses, another quarrel between House and Cuddy leads to another fantastic one.
06:09 To annoy each other, both of them send an eccentric elderly patient,
06:13 Eugene Schwartz, to bother one another.
06:16 Sorry to interrupt. Here's my poo.
06:18 Dr. House said to bring it over and leave it with you as soon as I could.
06:23 His complaints that he's squawking prove amusing, even if it does end up being something serious.
06:30 However, the childishness of House and Cuddy treating him like a yo-yo
06:35 means that the former gives out House's number to Eugene.
06:38 You just squawked!
06:40 What?
06:40 Eugene Schwartz, your patient from yesterday, I just squawked!
06:44 To avoid speaking to him, House decides to use not just one phone excuse,
06:49 but combine all of them into one. Truly, the man's a genius.
06:54 I'm sorry, but I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon
06:58 on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
07:01 Number 4.
07:02 Bet, Fools for Love
07:04 When a woman is unable to breathe during a robbery, she and her husband turn to House.
07:10 House wants to recreate the stressful moment to induce a reaction.
07:15 Foreman objects, and House decides they should make it interesting with a wager.
07:20 You don't think I'm gonna get a response?
07:22 No.
07:22 You're on.
07:24 50 bucks.
07:25 I'm not betting on the patient's-
07:26 A hundred bucks, if you say so.
07:29 During the test, there is a reaction, alright, but from her husband, not from her.
07:35 Foreman objects when House insists that he pay up for the bet that they didn't make.
07:41 Told you it would work.
07:42 Worked on the wrong patient.
07:44 We could spend all day arguing right or wrong.
07:46 Give me the hundred bucks.
07:48 We didn't bet.
07:49 However, House's hilariously juvenile argument is compelling.
07:54 We didn't bet.
07:55 We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not.
07:58 Give me the hundred bucks.
07:59 After all, Foreman does give him the hundred bucks.
08:03 Maybe we should try this sometime.
08:05 Number 3.
08:06 Bonus Points
08:07 Humpty Dumpty
08:09 It's rare, but sometimes the main characters bring House cases themselves.
08:14 In this case, Cuddy's handyman, Alfredo, falls off her roof, and two of his fingers turn darker.
08:21 Cuddy takes the case to House, who offers several potential diagnoses,
08:26 along with some other cutting remarks on Cuddy's appearance.
08:30 Sorry, trouble concentrating.
08:31 After she thanks him due to how long Alfredo has worked with her,
08:35 House drops a line that nearly perfectly sums up his character - sarcastic, irreverent,
08:42 and somewhat impersonal.
08:44 Thank you very much.
08:45 This guy's been working for me for a long time, and I...
08:47 I only get bonus points if I act like I care.
08:49 The same episode has another winning comeback later on, but of the more immature variety.
08:55 However, it's a little simple comparatively.
08:58 Are you being intentionally dense?
09:01 Huh?
09:01 Number 2.
09:02 Medical Limitations
09:05 Sleeping Dogs Lie
09:06 In this episode, the team treats Hannah a woman with extreme insomnia.
09:11 As her condition deteriorates, it becomes clear that she needs a liver transplant.
09:17 Fortunately, her girlfriend Max is a match.
09:20 Unfortunately, Hannah was planning to break up with her.
09:24 She's a good person.
09:25 We've just been together so long, I...
09:28 I'm tired of her.
09:33 Although Dr Cameron wants to tell Max, or get Hannah to,
09:37 the transplant goes through with Max seemingly none the wiser.
09:42 Ultimately, though, House diagnoses Hannah with a truly unexpected disease - the Black Plague.
09:49 Small percentage of plague cases present with sleep disturbance.
09:53 Imagine an idyllic river of bacteria.
09:58 After delivering the news, he offers both reassurances
10:02 and a wicked burn, adding insults to infection.
10:07 Don't worry, it's treatable.
10:08 Being a bitch, though.
10:11 Nothing we can do about that.
10:13 Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
10:18 Either/or, One Day, One Room.
10:21 This one's a real toss-up.
10:23 Fighting, Nightfall.
10:35 It's common courtesy, right?
10:38 Same old, same old, Merry Little Christmas.
10:48 Well, if you're just going to sum up the show like that...
10:51 Bullet, Euphoria, Part 1.
11:00 One of the least effective ways to use them.
11:03 Woe is me, insensitive.
11:13 Who had it worse?
11:15 Check my eyes for jaundice, in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.
11:19 I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
11:23 I can't run.
11:24 Before we continue, be sure to subscribe to our channel and ring the bell to get notified
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11:38 Out With It, The Mistake.
11:43 After a patient dies after seeing House's team, it turns out that Chase may have made
11:49 a costly mistake with her results.
11:52 He's sued for malpractice over her death.
11:55 You didn't ask her anything about the stomach pain?
11:57 I made one little mistake.
12:01 As little mistakes go, that was a biggie.
12:05 House digs deeper, learns that Chase learned of his own father's death as the patient came
12:11 in to get a test, leaving him distracted.
12:14 Given that House was aware that Chase's dad was sick, he feels responsible too.
12:20 I thought you screwed up because you were drunk.
12:21 I would have fired you.
12:22 And you?
12:24 You were depressed and distracted.
12:26 I assumed you'd gotten a phone call from your stepmom.
12:30 And given that his ex, Stacy, is the hospital's lawyer, he doesn't feel like sharing.
12:36 When Stacy confronts him over this, House comes up with a hysterical secret to be hiding
12:43 instead of the real reason.
12:45 What are you hiding?
12:46 I'm gay.
12:46 Oh, that's not what you meant.
12:49 It does explain a lot, though.
12:51 No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers.
12:55 He came up with that awfully quickly.
12:59 Is there a House remark you think is more remarkable than the ones on our list?
13:04 Share your results in the comments.
13:06 I've got rectal bleeding.
13:08 What, all of you?
13:09 Do you agree with our picks?
13:11 Check out this other recent clip from MsMojo.
13:13 And be sure to subscribe and ring the bell to be notified about our latest videos.
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