Fantastic quests you missed in CD Projekt RED's masterpiece.
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00:00 The Witcher 3 absolutely owns. You know this, I know this, but one positive trait that is often
00:06 overlooked is just how funny it can be. So with that in mind then, I'm Josh from WhatCulture.com
00:10 and these are 10 hilarious Witcher 3 quests you totally missed.
00:14 10. Shock Therapy
00:17 At a cave in Ard Skellig, Geralt will encounter a druid who asks for assistance. He'll inform you
00:23 that a fellow druid, Egil, has suddenly and mysteriously gone mute. With none of their spells
00:29 or potions doing the trick, he enlists the help of a witcher to scare Egil since eliciting strong
00:35 emotions is said to be a cure for whatever ailment he has. By the time players arrive at this point
00:41 in the game, they will of course be accustomed to receiving strange requests, so nothing seems too
00:47 out of the ordinary at first. And with the promise of a rare Gwent card as payment, the job is pretty
00:52 much impossible to refuse, unless you hate Gwent of course, in which case you need to get a grip.
00:59 What follows then is Geralt playing cruel pranks on the druid to annoy him as much as possible.
01:04 Extinguishing the fire after he lights it, setting some angry wasps on him,
01:08 and rattling pots and pans when he falls asleep will all do the trick here. The druid will
01:14 eventually speak again, but will be deeply upset with you and your shenanigans. And that's because
01:19 it turns out that the druid was undergoing a vow of silence, which you were just tricked into
01:25 breaking for a laugh. But hey, at least that new Gwent card will help alleviate the guilt, am I right?
01:31 Number 9 - Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:35 Not only does this side quest have an incredible pun title, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:41 sees Geralt of Rivia set out on one of his strangest escapades to date as part of the
01:46 Blood and Wine expansion. The quest can begin by picking up a notice or by stumbling upon a
01:51 closed exhibition at Lilivia Square. Either way, Geralt will eventually be approached by a distressed
01:56 man who asks for his assistance on a pretty sensitive matter. That's because it transpires
02:01 that the genitals of a famous statue have gone missing, and it's up to Geralt to recover them
02:07 so that the exhibit can be reopened. And with the missing treasured bollocks said to boost the sex
02:12 drives of whoever holds them, anyone could be a suspect. Following the scent of the perparetis
02:18 cologne back to their house, Geralt will find an older man having an impassioned affair with
02:23 a young woman, with the stolen artefact being the cause for his rejuvenated spark. Plays must then
02:30 decide whether to recover the stones or let the man make the most of his newfound mojo. Let him
02:35 keep them though, and Plays will return later on to find that the man has died of what can only be
02:41 described as a bad case of, to be polite, shagging himself silly.
02:46 One of the three DLC quests added to the game, Fool's Gold can be started in the small village
02:54 of Lurch, where Geralt will encounter a group of bandits happily roasting a pig that they claim to
02:59 have caught in a village. One of the locals is devastated by the pig's death however, and after
03:04 dispatching the bandits he'll tell the Witcher about the piggy magic that's taken over the area.
03:10 Intrigued by the mystery, Geralt's investigations will take him to a sealed temple reached via a
03:16 portal. Further exploration reveals that the pigs themselves roaming the village are actually the
03:21 humans said to have gone missing as they were transformed into the animals for stealing cursed
03:26 gold. With a little help from the remaining villager, Geralt solves this oddball mystery,
03:31 though the funniest part of the quest comes when first exploring the temple. While there,
03:36 Geralt encounters one of the pigs who understands what the Witcher says. What follows is a delightfully
03:42 weird scene in which the monster hunter chats with a pig, and the pig uses grunts to answer
03:47 yes or no to his questions. He can even feed the hungry pig some food if the player wants to.
03:53 So yeah, Geralt can now add talking to animals to his extensive list of talents.
03:57 When we first meet Geralt at the start of the game, he's hot on the trail of Yennefer,
04:05 whose letter leads the monster hunter to the small region of White Orchid. But even with
04:10 the pressing matter at hand, as well as dealing with a pesky griffon upon arrival, there's no
04:14 task that's too small for Geralt or the player, including helping a kindly old woman get her frying
04:21 pan back. If players aren't spurred on by the urgency of Geralt's mission, they can discover
04:26 said woman by a hut on the riverbank. She'll then tell the Witcher about an odd encounter that she
04:31 had the night before, in which a stranger asked to borrow her precious pan but failed to return it.
04:36 Unable to break into the hut herself, she asks Geralt if he wouldn't mind retrieving the cooking
04:42 implement for her. Thus begins a frying pan spick and span. However, after entering the building,
04:48 Geralt discovers the scene of a murder alongside a pile of letters written using the soot scraped
04:54 from the pan. The implication being that the deceased man was a spy. Even this quest journal
05:00 entry mocks the banality of this task, as retrieving frying pans simply isn't as exciting
05:06 as slaying monsters. And yet, if we got the quest, we certainly did it anyway.
05:10 Number 6 - The Tower Out of Nowheres
05:13 In The Witcher 3, developer CDPR's abiding satire isn't limited to tackling themes of monsters and
05:20 men. The writers likewise took this epic fantasy setting and used it to give their thoughts on
05:25 the gaming industry at large, namely the controversy surrounding Digital Rights Management or DRM for
05:32 short. This tongue-in-cheek allegory is the subject of the quest, The Tower Out of Nowheres.
05:38 In it, Geralt will be informed by a group of disgruntled villagers that the sudden appearance
05:42 of a tower is the reason for the non-stop storm in the area. And being a Witcher, he'll naturally be
05:48 asked to investigate further. Upon reaching the tower, players discover the tower's newest owner
05:53 sealed behind a barrier. Talking to him reveals that the tower has a "Defence Regulatory Magikon"
05:59 or DRM for short, that only the tower's original owner can't deactivate. The only teensy-wincey
06:06 problem is that the former owner is now dead. It's therefore up to the Witcher to search for
06:11 the only means to lift the lock, that being a book known as "Gothfried's Omni-Opening Grimoire" or
06:18 GOG for short, which is in the real world, a digital store owned by the developers which was
06:24 against DRM, so that the barrier can be unlocked. So yeah, well played CD Projekt Red. I've played
06:30 this mission like twice and I've only just now got the joke.
06:33 A quest that isn't marked on the map, Face Me If You Dare is one of the easier quests to miss
06:41 entirely. And it's also one of the game's most hilarious encounters, so please check it out.
06:46 While travelling through Velen, Geralt can stumble upon an emboldened knight standing
06:51 near the bridge to Crow's Perch. His name is Ranvid of the Small Marsh and he's on a quest
06:56 to slay 100 knights to win the affection of a woman. Though Geralt is sarcastically dismissive
07:01 of his challenge, Ranvid is insistent but ultimately proves to be no match for a seasoned
07:07 monster hunter. However, the knight doesn't give up easily. He can be met again a few days later
07:13 by the Tretagorg Gate with a new shield and even better armour. But still, it takes more than new
07:18 equipment to best a witcher and he goes down again. Still, Ranvid isn't done and players can
07:24 meet him a final time in Novigrad where he's enlisted the help of two thugs as backup. Geralt,
07:29 by now grown increasingly annoyed with the knight's efforts, has the choice to either de-escalate the
07:34 situation and send him home or just fight him to the death and get rid of him. Either way,
07:39 the player won't be dealing with this guy again. The Sunnylands of Tucson may be terrorised by a
07:48 ferocious vampire but the Blood and Wine DLC isn't all about bloodshed and massacres. In fact,
07:54 there are plenty of lighthearted adventures to embark on like the one we've already mentioned
07:58 and one of the better ones is a portrait of the Witcher as an old man. After completing the
08:04 Warble of a Smitten Knight, head to the Market Square just south of the Grand Palace signpost
08:08 and you'll be approached by an artist who's struck by Geralt's distinctive physique and will
08:13 want to use him as his next model. If Geralt agrees, he'll be tasked to meet the painter when
08:18 the light is better and the pair will travel to a prime location. However, this being a quest,
08:23 Geralt will need to recover the artist's paints from some thieving neckers before they can properly
08:28 start. After all that, players will then be given a choice of how they'd like to immortalise the
08:33 Witcher through the medium of art. Whether they choose posing on horseback, standing heroically
08:39 with their sword or just casually reclining, the outcome will be similar and that's because Geralt
08:44 will return the next day to discover that the artist had sneakily painted him with most of his
08:50 clothes off. And you know what? To be honest, I'd probably have it no other way.
08:54 The bulk of The Witcher 3's humorous quests send players headfirst into bizarre situations to enjoy
09:02 some fun in between the more serious plot beats. Paper Chase, however, is a little different. This
09:08 time, the joke is on the player. Again, part of the Blood and Wine DLC, players can find this
09:14 quest by talking to a vineyard owner near Trenton's workshop. It turns out that he actually
09:19 owes Geralt payment from years ago and decided to place the coin in a savings account at the bank,
09:24 which would have gained a healthy amount of interest by now. All Geralt needs to do, he's told,
09:29 is walk into the bank and withdraw the funds, but bureaucracy is rarely that simple. And as a result,
09:36 a clerical error means that the Witcher is forced to chase down various forms in what becomes a
09:41 perpetual cycle of dead ends and unhelpful tellers. Instead of hunting monsters, players will spend
09:47 their time hunting documents. And it's as tedious as you'd expect. In this quest, the action-packed
09:53 gameplay players are used to is replaced by exciting moments, including watching a cat
09:58 wash itself, getting into an argument about cutting a line, and charming a clerk into
10:03 speeding things along. So yeah, this is why Witchers don't use banks. This is why they take
10:10 cash payments up front. Located deep within the labyrinth of sewers underneath Novigrad,
10:18 this side quest is extremely easy to miss. However, A Tome Entombed is a part of the game that players
10:24 certainly won't want to skip. While exploring the sewers, players will eventually come across
10:29 a weak wall next to a sealed gate. Knock it down with arde and Geralt will find himself in a tomb,
10:34 where he'll be met with a scholar struggling to move the lid on a stone sarcophagus. The stranger
10:39 will inform Geralt that he's a professor of archaeology from Oxenfurt who has reason to
10:43 believe that an important lost text resides in this tomb. When helping the academic open the
10:49 lid, the pair are greeted by a slumbering vampire who's not too pleased with being disturbed. Still
10:55 insistent that the tomb could still be in the tomb, perhaps kept under the vampire's pillow
11:00 for reading, the professor asks Geralt to just have another look. If he agrees, the monster will
11:06 have had enough of his nonsense and just attack outright, leaving the monster hunter with no
11:10 choice but to kill the creature for what turns out to be no reason at all.
11:15 1. Equine Phantoms
11:18 When Geralt encounters a hermit in the Blood and Wine DLC, he's presented with a seemingly
11:23 unsolvable mystery to hunt down an invisible wraith. To aid his investigation, the hermit
11:28 brews the witcher a special potion containing a potent hallucinogenic said to reveal the unseen.
11:34 When he awakes after drinking it, Geralt discovers that a side effect of the potion
11:38 allows him to talk to animals, including his trusty steed Roach. What follows is a
11:44 hilarious buddy comedy caper in which the pair set out to solve the contract together.
11:49 Roach is absolutely the star of the show here. He's a sharp-witted expert on monster hunting,
11:54 and letting him take the lead makes for a hilarious and refreshing change of pace.
11:59 Moreover, the quest showcases the writing team at the top of their game. Not only is Equine
12:04 Phantoms scattered with amusing horse puns, but it also takes the opportunity to poke fun at
12:09 aspects of the game such as Roach's ability to materialise from nowhere alongside his
12:14 unresponsive controls. This quest is simply a delightful experience from start to finish,
12:19 and when it's over, players will wish they could spend more time chatting to this unsung
12:24 equestrian hero. So that's our list! What did you guys think down in the comments below?
12:28 And are there any great ones I missed off here? While you're down there as well,
12:34 could you please give us a like, share, subscribe and head over to wotculture.com
12:37 for more lists and news like this every single day. Even if you don't though,
12:40 I've been Josh, thanks so much for watching, and I'll see you soon.