Watch Dick Figures- The Movie (2013) Full Movie For Free
Transcript
00:00:00 [MUSIC]
00:00:10 [MUSIC]
00:00:35 This is a story about stick figures who live in a world full of monsters and
00:00:43 explosions and raccoons and a lot of other cool stuff too.
00:00:49 And it all takes place on a little planet we like to call Earth.
00:00:56 There it is.
00:00:59 [MUSIC]
00:01:09 >> Who the fuck cares?
00:01:14 >> I got the words of Port-au-Prince.
00:01:16 >> My God, do you think there's gonna be toys at this school or what?
00:01:20 >> Ew, boys have cooties.
00:01:21 [MUSIC]
00:01:25 >> Adios, assholes, I'm late for a rave.
00:01:28 [MUSIC]
00:01:38 >> Where'd you learn to walk?
00:01:45 Cripple school, nice.
00:01:47 >> If you're happy and do not crap your hands.
00:01:51 >> Hey bitch, you want a pixie stick?
00:01:53 >> My mom says those turn you into a whore.
00:01:55 >> Probably.
00:01:56 >> Hello, Blue.
00:01:58 >> Hey, Lord Tourette's.
00:01:59 >> First day of class?
00:02:01 >> Yeah.
00:02:02 >> Mine is Lou.
00:02:03 Say, there's a young jerk face looking for you.
00:02:06 Says he wants to beat your back until you die.
00:02:09 Well, ta-ta.
00:02:10 [LAUGH]
00:02:11 [MUSIC]
00:02:14 >> Wee.
00:02:16 >> Sup, brah?
00:02:17 You new here or what?
00:02:19 >> Yeah, first day.
00:02:20 >> Must be, cuz otherwise you'd know to eat this sea sauce from fifth graders.
00:02:25 >> Sorry, I didn't know.
00:02:26 >> Yeah, prize for playing on the fifth grade playground is your milk money.
00:02:31 >> [COUGH]
00:02:34 >> But I'm lactose intolerant.
00:02:36 >> Really?
00:02:37 Well, let's see if you're fist-ose intolerant.
00:02:39 >> [COUGH]
00:02:42 >> What's the matter, blue kid?
00:02:44 >> My mom says I drink too much water, that's how come I cry so much.
00:02:47 >> And pee.
00:02:49 >> Gross.
00:02:50 >> [COUGH]
00:02:51 >> You know, I got held back five years.
00:02:53 >> But my muscles didn't.
00:02:55 >> [SOUND]
00:02:57 >> Old McDonald had a farm.
00:02:59 Now you're gonna die, nerd.
00:03:02 >> No.
00:03:03 >> [SOUND]
00:03:05 >> What is that?
00:03:06 >> Wow.
00:03:07 >> Look, it's an asteroid.
00:03:09 >> [SOUND]
00:03:11 >> [SOUND]
00:03:13 >> [COUGH]
00:03:15 >> [SOUND]
00:03:25 >> Sup?
00:03:28 >> Huh?
00:03:29 >> Oh my God, what's that?
00:03:31 >> It's a new kid.
00:03:33 Get him.
00:03:34 >> [SOUND]
00:03:44 >> [SOUND]
00:03:54 >> [SOUND]
00:04:04 >> [SOUND]
00:04:14 >> [SOUND]
00:04:24 >> [SOUND]
00:04:34 >> [SOUND]
00:04:44 >> [SOUND]
00:04:52 >> [SOUND]
00:04:54 >> Oh my God, you're so sexy.
00:04:56 >> I know.
00:04:57 >> Dude, you saved my life.
00:04:59 >> I know.
00:05:00 >> What's your name?
00:05:01 >> I know.
00:05:02 I mean, I'm Red.
00:05:03 >> My name's Blue.
00:05:04 No matter what happens, I promise, I will always be your friend.
00:05:09 >> I know, cuz I'm awesome.
00:05:12 >> [SOUND]
00:05:22 >> [SOUND]
00:05:32 >> [SOUND]
00:05:42 >> [SOUND]
00:05:52 >> [SOUND]
00:06:02 >> [SOUND]
00:06:12 >> [SOUND]
00:06:18 >> [SOUND]
00:06:28 >> [SOUND]
00:06:35 >> Come on, Blue, please.
00:06:37 >> I'm not gonna tell you.
00:06:38 >> Please, please, please.
00:06:39 >> No way.
00:06:40 I got you the greatest birthday present of all time.
00:06:42 I'm not gonna spoil the surprise.
00:06:44 >> You're such a jerk.
00:06:46 >> My God.
00:06:49 >> Wow, you're a jerk and a wuss.
00:06:52 >> No.
00:06:55 >> All right, you pussy, I gotta go to work.
00:07:02 I can't wait to see what you get me for my birthday.
00:07:05 >> Hey, toots.
00:07:06 >> Go to hell, Red.
00:07:07 >> Okay, see you there.
00:07:08 >> Hey, get out, though.
00:07:11 Get out of here.
00:07:12 >> Dude, this place is a dump.
00:07:14 >> If there is a dump, it's your bed.
00:07:16 >> God damn it, dude, not again.
00:07:18 Use the toilet.
00:07:21 >> Gelato.
00:07:24 >> Mr. Dingleberry.
00:07:26 >> You haven't paid rent in eight months.
00:07:28 >> My God, you're right.
00:07:30 Here, let me get my checkbook.
00:07:32 >> Okay, I'll just wait right here.
00:07:36 >> Gelato, gel, okay.
00:07:41 >> Expired, expired, rotten, poison.
00:07:44 >> Dude, you've been playing that first level for three hours.
00:07:46 Can you really not make that jump?
00:07:48 >> I can make it.
00:07:49 I just hate that little guy.
00:07:51 >> Go, babbleria.
00:07:53 >> Move over.
00:07:54 I've got a degree in advanced joystick theory, and I ain't afraid to use it.
00:07:58 >> Yeah, I heard you practicing last night.
00:08:00 >> Olivia, oh, my, you do it for me every time.
00:08:05 >> There, done with this hand-crocheted towel of Olivia Munn.
00:08:08 Time to jack off.
00:08:09 >> Let me show you how this shit's done, son.
00:08:11 >> The fuck?
00:08:12 Who took the lights?
00:08:13 >> I mean, we haven't paid the electricity bill in seven months.
00:08:16 >> We pay for electricity?
00:08:17 >> You don't.
00:08:18 I do.
00:08:19 >> Wait.
00:08:20 All of our food's going to go bad.
00:08:22 >> All of our food is bad.
00:08:25 >> Can't live.
00:08:27 Precious food.
00:08:29 Don't waste.
00:08:30 >> Dude, you know that's all expired.
00:08:32 >> I don't care.
00:08:35 >> Oh, God, not the milk.
00:08:38 I'll keep you safe in my belly, cow juice.
00:08:41 I think I'm going to fall.
00:08:43 >> Hey, listen, I got a big problem.
00:08:45 I totally just lied to pink.
00:08:46 >> Eggs!
00:08:48 >> Her birthday's next week, and I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything.
00:08:53 >> Give her this mayonnaise jar.
00:08:56 >> No, come on.
00:08:57 You know what girls like, right?
00:08:58 What should I get her?
00:08:59 >> Hey, you should go see the raccoon.
00:09:01 >> See who?
00:09:02 >> The raccoon.
00:09:03 >> What are you trying to say?
00:09:05 >> I can only say so many words before --
00:09:10 >> The raccoon!
00:09:11 >> Oh.
00:09:13 >> He's got the coolest stuff.
00:09:20 >> Yeesh, I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop.
00:09:24 >> You should get her this cool hat.
00:09:26 >> Yeah, try it on.
00:09:27 >> So you want a gift for your girlfriend, eh?
00:09:32 >> Whoa, how did you know?
00:09:34 >> You talk very loud.
00:09:36 >> Did you touch that fucking bathrobe?
00:09:41 >> No.
00:09:42 Idiot.
00:09:43 >> So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time, and I want to get her something super romantic.
00:09:49 >> I've got the perfect gift for you.
00:09:51 But first, a story.
00:09:55 >> No, old people stories.
00:09:57 >> A long time ago in ancient Hapa, my country was at war.
00:10:04 My small village was all that was left.
00:10:07 Knowing I may die in battle, I gave my wife a symbol of undying love, a lotus flower.
00:10:15 Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, the greatest sword of destiny, I left to confront my fate.
00:10:22 But a mighty beast, Ocho Muerte, emerged from the sea and took my wife.
00:10:30 I was too late.
00:10:33 In my rage, I fought the Takagami Demon Army and slew ten hundred thousand hundred warriors.
00:10:42 Honorably, all that remained was the Lord Takagami himself.
00:10:47 Though wounded, he shattered the bread and scattered it to the wind.
00:10:52 As he lay dying, he said to me, "Fuck you."
00:10:56 He was a douchebag.
00:10:58 You may have won the battle, Raccoon, but the ghosts of my warriors will haunt the great sword of destiny forever.
00:11:07 And with that, he died. But his curse remains, guarding the sword against any who may seek to use its great power again.
00:11:17 But the power of the bread was too strong even for me.
00:11:22 And in the fury of battle, I found I destroyed not only the Takagami Demon Army, but all of Hapa.
00:11:31 Dishonored, my kinsmen banished me from my home, never again to return.
00:11:39 Oh, sorry. I was so bored by my own story.
00:11:44 Wait, so where's the sword?
00:11:46 There is only one left alive who knows.
00:11:49 Who?
00:11:50 Hold up. Why the hell would I give Pink a sword? This is retarded.
00:11:53 No! Bring me the sword, and in return, I shall give you the greatest gift a girl.
00:11:59 No, a woman. No! A goddess could hope to ever receive.
00:12:06 Is it... a dick?
00:12:07 Yes.
00:12:08 Oh, really?
00:12:09 No. Ha ha ha. You're very gutterable.
00:12:11 Well, who even knows where it still is?
00:12:13 You must find the man who considers me his greatest enemy.
00:12:18 My son. Son-son!
00:12:28 Nope. You're weird. I'm just gonna go buy her some flowers.
00:12:31 Shit, I'll find that sword. This sounds awesome.
00:12:34 What? Really?
00:12:35 Yeah, man. It's a 10,000-year-old sword, hidden in Japan, guarded by demon ninjas?
00:12:41 That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of!
00:12:43 Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed going after that thing.
00:12:45 Maybe. But at least I'm not a goddamn pussy.
00:12:49 I'm not a pussy!
00:12:50 You are a pussy with a kaputor vagina.
00:12:54 I told you about the braid because I thought you would have the courage to do something... extraordinary.
00:13:01 Yeah, right. All he does all day is sit in his room playing with his joystick. He'd totally get killed.
00:13:07 Have fun staying home, man! I'll send you a postcard.
00:13:13 This was a mistake. Only a true hero could find the greatest sword of destiny. But I can see now, it is not you.
00:13:23 You're wrong!
00:13:29 Oh?
00:13:30 Yeah! I'm gonna find the shit out of that sword!
00:13:32 He's going to be very dangerous.
00:13:35 Good. Pussies hate danger. And I'm not a pussy.
00:13:41 Gimme that!
00:13:43 Oh yeah! Time to get our quest on!
00:13:47 Woo!
00:13:48 Okay, maybe I was wrong. This is pretty scary.
00:13:57 Seriously?
00:13:58 Do you wanna get Pink a sick present or not?
00:14:00 Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's go.
00:14:02 Oh yeah. Follow my lead.
00:14:08 Oh crap, there's guards! What do we do?
00:14:11 Cartwheel.
00:14:12 Cartwheel?
00:14:13 Holy shit! Did you see that?
00:14:17 Uh, no.
00:14:18 Me neither.
00:14:19 Hey you! How did you get behind those crates?
00:14:22 Uh, cartwheel, dude!
00:14:23 Where did he go?
00:14:26 Damn, cartwheels every time.
00:14:28 Woo! See? How would you have any fun without me?
00:14:33 Reading is fun.
00:14:34 Your mom's fun? Ha ha ha! Now let's find ourselves a boat!
00:14:39 How about this one?
00:14:42 It's perfect.
00:14:48 Dude, let's just get on that one.
00:14:50 No way! Have you seen how awesome this thing is?
00:14:53 The guns have guns!
00:14:55 This one's got boobs and beer.
00:14:58 And?
00:14:59 I'm gonna regret this.
00:15:04 Oh brah! This booze cruise is for college house dudes and dudettes only!
00:15:09 Hmm?
00:15:10 Oh, holy shit! You're that freshman 15 dude, dude!
00:15:14 Didn't you like nail 15 freshman chicks in like one night?
00:15:17 Naked party!
00:15:18 Here we go!
00:15:19 Oh shit, that's like four!
00:15:23 Fuck my life!
00:15:24 Oh yeah, that's back in my college years.
00:15:26 Can't believe it's only 15.
00:15:28 Yes, brah, yes! That's what I'm talking about!
00:15:31 Dude, welcome aboard bro-dude-bro.
00:15:33 Kegs are on the poop deck, babes on the port side, but watch out for Neptune.
00:15:37 Ah! Party foul!
00:15:40 Woo! CDC and VACUUM!
00:15:42 Oh wow, that was way easy.
00:15:44 Oh, brah, this party train sailing for port? Cool.
00:15:47 So consider yourself the third wheel.
00:15:49 Wait, but I thought we were cool.
00:15:51 You thought thinking was cool? Dude.
00:15:53 What the hell?
00:15:57 Sorry dude, should have paid more freshman chicks!
00:16:00 How the fuck am I gonna get to Japan?
00:16:03 Take your car, stupid!
00:16:05 Hey, we only have room for one more pallet.
00:16:08 Should we load the beer or the life vests?
00:16:10 Load the beer!
00:16:11 No regrets!
00:16:12 No regrets!
00:16:13 Let's get this party started.
00:16:22 Captain TJ, make that tanker...
00:16:24 Drop!
00:16:25 Drop!
00:16:26 And so Red and Blue took a booze cruise across the ocean blue.
00:16:36 But they were attacked by pirates and they were all beheaded!
00:16:39 Just kidding.
00:16:41 They all got sea scurvy and died out of their butts.
00:16:44 No, no, these are all lies.
00:16:46 Unfortunately, they made it to Japan.
00:16:49 But pirates sounded pretty cool, right?
00:16:51 Alright, here's Japan.
00:16:53 Woo! I'm back!
00:16:56 Konnichiwa!
00:17:09 Dude, this place is so racist!
00:17:12 Bar payphone, bitches!
00:17:14 You ladies wanna sumo wrestle?
00:17:17 I'm gonna die here.
00:17:19 See dudes, no regrets!
00:17:21 No regrets, dudes!
00:17:23 I'm so happy!
00:17:25 I am so angry!
00:17:48 I'm in danger of failing at Ninja Video Game Academy!
00:17:51 Oh, what happens when Blue Sun comes out and I'm in love with him?
00:17:53 Fuck you!
00:17:55 Why do the koi fish cry?
00:17:58 Why do the koi fish die, die, die?
00:18:01 This place is too cartoony for me.
00:18:03 Why do the koi fish cry?
00:18:06 Oh, sick, ramen!
00:18:12 This is some crunchy-ass rice.
00:18:14 Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones.
00:18:17 That's a lot of painful poops.
00:18:19 But this is gonna be a bad one.
00:18:21 Yeah, good luck with that.
00:18:23 You need directions, are you?
00:18:26 Oh yeah, wow, that would be great, thanks!
00:18:28 Domo arigato.
00:18:30 Hi, Blue Sun!
00:18:31 Um, we're trying to get to this restaurant.
00:18:33 Do you know it?
00:18:34 Hehe, oh, hiya!
00:18:37 Are you okay?
00:18:38 This restaurant is very close.
00:18:41 What is wrong with her face?
00:18:43 Follow that railroad to hero Red Rocks and one of those brothers.
00:18:48 Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh.
00:18:50 You are extremely unhelpful.
00:18:52 Yatta! Now I must go to school today.
00:18:55 Okay, sayonara!
00:18:57 Oh my god, all those animes were documentaries!
00:19:08 [Suspenseful music]
00:19:14 Ah, that sushi restaurant better be close.
00:19:16 I'm hungry for some more cell phones.
00:19:18 [Phone ringing]
00:19:19 Dude, I think we're here.
00:19:21 [Suspenseful music]
00:19:27 How are we gonna know what the raccoon's kid even looks like?
00:19:29 Freeze, have a seat.
00:19:32 Huh, guess he's not here.
00:19:36 Can I help you?
00:19:38 Konnichiwa.
00:19:39 We, uh, we've traveled a long way to find this village.
00:19:43 Do you know the raccoon?
00:19:45 The raccoon?
00:19:47 I hate that guy.
00:19:49 His voice sounds so stupid.
00:19:51 Alright, guys?
00:19:52 Ha ha ha, totally.
00:19:54 Eat your noodles.
00:19:55 I don't want to eat my noodles.
00:19:57 I am Sun Sun, son of Papa Sun.
00:20:01 The one you call the raccoon.
00:20:04 Whaaaaat?
00:20:06 This is my wife, wife Sun, and my son, grandson Sun.
00:20:11 Huh, raccoon looks nothing like his family.
00:20:13 A family he abandoned when he dishonored the mighty Hapan with the greatest sword of destiny.
00:20:19 It was too powerful for him, and you will never find it!
00:20:24 Oh, this is some bullshit!
00:20:27 I want some goddamn sushi!
00:20:29 I will cut the sushi.
00:20:32 Cut the sushi after I cut you!
00:20:35 Wasabi!
00:20:39 Spicy seaweed!
00:20:42 Miso!
00:20:44 Hot tea!
00:20:47 Oh, raccoon, okay.
00:20:51 I will make you sushi.
00:20:53 Oh, thank you, Godzilla.
00:21:00 I think I'll let the cell phones better.
00:21:02 So the raccoon, uh, Papa Sun, said that you know where to find the sword?
00:21:06 I swore an oath that I would never reveal the location of the weapon, so it may never fall into his hands again.
00:21:12 Oh, no, it's not for the raccoon. It's for me.
00:21:14 Oh, well, that's fine. It's just up at that mountain.
00:21:18 Nope.
00:21:29 Red Sun, you're so fat.
00:21:31 I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch.
00:21:33 Ah, that explains it.
00:21:35 Oh, say.
00:21:41 Oh, damn. I bet they got hella swords in there.
00:21:44 Hey, hey, wait, you no pay!
00:21:47 Oh, Mr. Makerson, you stop. Very dangerous. You go no further.
00:21:53 Sorry, man, we're kind of getting our quest on.
00:21:55 Yeah, don't worry about it, pussy.
00:21:57 Getting my quest on, singing the club song.
00:22:00 Watching the girl kick in the thong.
00:22:02 Red, dude, wait!
00:22:03 All the girls are like, "Shoot that brain out of his head."
00:22:05 This motherfucking man is a devil of a dude.
00:22:08 Boulders, arrows, sticks, and spiders.
00:22:10 I'm not scared of anything, not even fire.
00:22:13 A creepy-ass castle in the mountains.
00:22:15 Walk up right inside and I'll kick it in the ass.
00:22:18 Ow, a splinter.
00:22:24 This place might be dangerous after all.
00:22:27 Whoa, there it is.
00:22:31 Man, that little panda was right.
00:22:44 Oh my god, that's a bad one.
00:22:46 Invasive maneuvers.
00:22:48 It's just the hilt of the sword.
00:23:01 The what of the sword?
00:23:03 It's just the handle.
00:23:04 That sucks.
00:23:05 You think? We came all this way for the goddamn handle?
00:23:09 Man, this is a cool drawing.
00:23:11 It's got like all three condiments.
00:23:13 You mean continents?
00:23:15 Yeah, uh, there's Squiggle, Super Squiggle, and America.
00:23:20 Which one are we on now?
00:23:21 We're on Squiggle.
00:23:23 So, there's two pieces left?
00:23:25 I guess so, I don't fucking know.
00:23:27 Oh, hey guys, what's up?
00:23:42 We are the Takagami Demon Army.
00:23:45 Our blades burn like fire, and our fire stings like ice,
00:23:50 and our ice is really fucking cold.
00:23:54 We are cursed to protect the great sword of destiny
00:23:57 from anyone who seeks to use its mighty power.
00:24:01 We don't want to use it.
00:24:03 I just wanted a birthday present for my girlfriend.
00:24:06 Then we shall kill her too, 'cause she will have the sword.
00:24:09 Wait, dude, can we talk about this?
00:24:12 The only thing we're going to talk about
00:24:15 is how old dead you're about to be.
00:24:19 This party sucks.
00:24:21 Run for it.
00:24:22 Seize their souls.
00:24:24 From our point of view, they are the villains, not us.
00:24:27 Dude, that fish craves.
00:24:32 Stop running your mouth and start running your legs.
00:24:34 Why? Are the cops coming?
00:24:36 Yes.
00:24:37 [screaming]
00:24:39 This is all your fault.
00:24:46 How do I ever let you talk me into this?
00:24:48 Dude, shut up. The cops are coming.
00:24:50 They're not cops, they're demons.
00:24:52 Oh, really?
00:24:53 Why do demons scare you less than cops?
00:24:55 Demons don't have guns.
00:24:58 [thud]
00:25:00 I should have never gone on this stupid quest.
00:25:14 I would have been better off getting her that bear trap.
00:25:16 Oh, you mean that sweet hat?
00:25:18 [grunting]
00:25:21 [grunting]
00:25:23 [grunting]
00:25:30 [grunting]
00:25:34 [grunting]
00:25:38 [grunting]
00:25:49 [grunting]
00:25:51 Red, come on!
00:25:53 [grunting]
00:25:57 Be very careful with that dynamite.
00:26:03 It's going to the explosion factory.
00:26:05 [grunting]
00:26:07 [screaming]
00:26:15 [screaming]
00:26:18 [explosion]
00:26:20 [gasp]
00:26:23 Holy crap, we made it.
00:26:24 And we're floating away!
00:26:26 What you talking about?
00:26:28 I mean the tides are carrying us out to sea.
00:26:30 Oh, yeah! Bermuda Triangle, here we come!
00:26:33 Well, what are we going to do?
00:26:35 I don't know, but hey, at least we got sushi.
00:26:37 [screaming]
00:26:40 See ya, Japan! You think crazy!
00:26:42 [moaning]
00:26:47 Rowboat trip!
00:26:49 Woo!
00:26:50 Will you shut up? I don't know if you noticed or not, but we're in some deep shit.
00:26:53 Uh, I think it's called a rowboat.
00:26:55 That isn't funny!
00:26:57 We're stuck in the middle of the ocean with only the hilt of this stupid sword,
00:26:59 and now we're going to die out here and I'm going to miss Pink's birthday!
00:27:01 I don't know why you're doing all this crazy stuff for her anyway.
00:27:04 Who cares? She's just a girl.
00:27:06 Well, I love her, okay? That's why.
00:27:09 What does that mean?
00:27:12 Wait, you really don't know what love means?
00:27:15 Of course you don't.
00:27:17 It's this feeling you get when you see someone.
00:27:19 Deep down inside of you, your heart starts pumping and you just feel happy all over.
00:27:23 It's the strongest, most wonderful feeling you can have for someone.
00:27:26 So you mean a boner?
00:27:29 No!
00:27:30 Dude, I'm in love all day!
00:27:31 You are such an idiot!
00:27:32 I wouldn't do all this for a boner. I'd just go online and look up pictures of your mom.
00:27:36 Shut up! I'm doing this because I think she's in love with me too!
00:27:40 No way, man. She likes me.
00:27:42 What?
00:27:43 Yeah, dude. She's always giving me those dirty looks.
00:27:46 Because she hates you!
00:27:48 Red, not every girl in the world thinks you're cool, hot shit.
00:27:51 Yeah, they do. Why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in kindergarten?
00:27:55 To save my life?
00:27:57 Ha ha ha ha! What? No!
00:28:01 Dude, I was trying to impress all those chicks.
00:28:03 What?
00:28:04 Yeah, it worked pretty good too.
00:28:06 You beat me up, embarrassed me, screwed my ex-girlfriends,
00:28:09 crapped on my bed, stole my shit, ate my food, and taken my money for years!
00:28:13 And I stayed friends with you this whole time because for some reason,
00:28:16 I actually thought you were my friend too!
00:28:19 Well, you must feel pretty stupid.
00:28:22 Fuck you!
00:28:24 You're such an asshole!
00:28:30 I can't believe you let me think we were actually friends!
00:28:32 Well, maybe I'd be friends with you if you weren't such a gotcha!
00:28:36 Loser all the time!
00:28:38 I'm a loser? I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet!
00:28:42 That was one time!
00:28:44 You're just racist against elephants!
00:28:46 I can't believe I stuck by your side for twenty goddamn years!
00:28:51 I'm not your friend anymore!
00:28:53 Good! I'm not yours!
00:28:55 Great!
00:28:56 Awesome!
00:28:57 Good! I'm glad!
00:28:58 [Screaming]
00:29:00 [Gagging]
00:29:04 [Screaming]
00:29:12 [Screaming]
00:29:14 Hey baby! This one's for you!
00:29:33 Oh my god, who is that?
00:29:35 Yeah!
00:29:41 So, what are you doing after recess?
00:29:44 [Screaming]
00:29:46 Huh?
00:29:49 Holy shit.
00:29:51 Red? Red, are you dead?
00:29:53 Nah man, just tanning my back!
00:29:57 Goddamn it!
00:29:58 Where are we?
00:30:00 We're in paradise, man!
00:30:02 [Makes airplane noises]
00:30:03 No we're not! We're on deserted island!
00:30:05 We should really sail to dinner island first!
00:30:08 No, deserted island! Oh my god!
00:30:10 Is there a burrito island?
00:30:12 That sounds way better!
00:30:13 Oh my god! Oh my god, I'm actually gonna die!
00:30:16 I'm gonna die next to an asshole and I'll never see pink's boobs again!
00:30:19 Yeah, and I'm getting real worried this place doesn't have internet!
00:30:22 Oh shit, maybe!
00:30:24 Oh no, where's my phone?
00:30:27 Wait, dude! Do you need a bowl full of tiny cell phones for lunch?
00:30:30 Oh yeah!
00:30:31 [Groaning]
00:30:33 Ow ow ow ow ow! Come on!
00:30:37 Nope!
00:30:38 Dude!
00:30:39 [Groaning]
00:30:40 It's not coming out!
00:30:42 [Groaning]
00:30:45 Here, let me try!
00:30:47 Ow! Not so hard, asshole!
00:30:49 How about this?
00:30:50 [Screaming]
00:30:51 Stop it! Let me just try to dial it with my butt muscles!
00:30:55 [Groaning]
00:30:59 Yep, this is my nightmare.
00:31:01 [Phone ringing]
00:31:03 Huh, it's ringing!
00:31:04 I can't believe I'm doing this!
00:31:06 If you fart, I'll kill you!
00:31:08 It's impossible! If I fart, I'll kill you!
00:31:10 Hello, you've reached Global Rescue Services. Ready to rescue you wherever you are.
00:31:14 Especially if you're stuck on a deserted island.
00:31:17 Huh, hello? Can you hear me?
00:31:19 Well, hello yourself, baby. You can rescue me anytime.
00:31:22 What are you wearing? What are you doing?
00:31:24 Oh, you know, just bored at work. I get off at 7 if you want to meet up at Burrito Island and--
00:31:28 [Fart]
00:31:29 Oh, oh my god!
00:31:32 Oh, I think I broke the phone.
00:31:35 [Screaming]
00:31:36 Screw you!
00:31:38 That is it!
00:31:40 Where are you going?
00:31:41 Home! You can finish this goddamn quest on your own!
00:31:45 I knew you were a pussy!
00:31:48 This was the stupidest idea!
00:31:53 Stupid, lame-ass blue!
00:31:55 That sword is gonna be tight!
00:31:58 Getting my beach on, singing the beach song, hoping that a crab doesn't nibble my balls.
00:32:03 [Fart]
00:32:07 [Screaming]
00:32:13 Wow.
00:32:18 This place is paradise.
00:32:21 The sun is so warm. The water's so clear.
00:32:24 The sand, like diamonds beneath my feet.
00:32:27 The air smells so sweet, like...
00:32:29 smoke?
00:32:32 Red?
00:32:35 [Screaming]
00:32:39 Red, what did you do?
00:32:42 What? Oh, that.
00:32:45 You ruined everything!
00:32:47 It's not that bad.
00:32:48 We're gonna be burned alive!
00:32:50 What is that?
00:32:52 King Kong!
00:32:53 Is that a plane?
00:32:54 Bees!
00:32:56 Holy shit, it is a plane!
00:32:58 Skydemons!
00:33:00 Cheerio, old chaps! Grab a hold!
00:33:03 [Screaming]
00:33:10 Perfectly executed signal fire, old chaps!
00:33:24 Spotted it a fortnight away.
00:33:26 Still a damn shame you burned down Burrito Island.
00:33:28 That was Burrito Island?
00:33:30 No!
00:33:32 Maybe it was Booby Island.
00:33:33 No!
00:33:36 Who are you?
00:33:38 You're flying with Captain Major Lieutenant Krooky Grim, Private First Class, retired.
00:33:43 [Laughing]
00:33:45 You're a pilot?
00:33:47 And an alcoholic.
00:33:48 A thousand flights, a thousand crashes.
00:33:50 Perfect record.
00:33:52 [Engine revving]
00:33:54 [Mumbling]
00:33:55 Trying to flip us over, you old bitch?
00:33:57 Did I mention I'm blind?
00:33:59 Alcohol blindness.
00:34:00 You and me both, brother.
00:34:02 Woo!
00:34:04 What are you doing flying all the way out here?
00:34:06 On my way to Gay Parade.
00:34:08 I'm meeting an old friend from the war, Colonel Dingleberry.
00:34:11 Mr. Dingleberry?
00:34:13 [Screaming]
00:34:15 He was a private when I knew him.
00:34:17 Haven't seen him since D-Day, or Dingle Day as he liked to call it.
00:34:20 Ho ho!
00:34:21 We are on a top secret mission to stop two blokes from finding the great sword of destiny.
00:34:26 Uh, what two blokes?
00:34:28 Oh, the dossier said their names were...
00:34:30 [Mumbling]
00:34:31 Red and Blue.
00:34:32 [Dramatic music]
00:34:34 Say, tell an old blind man your names.
00:34:38 Uh, Tom.
00:34:39 And Tom.
00:34:41 Tom and Tom.
00:34:43 Not enough Toms in the world, Ivo.
00:34:45 Is that right, Joe?
00:34:46 For sure.
00:34:48 This mission's important to me, lads.
00:34:50 So important that I've quit drinking.
00:34:53 [Dramatic music]
00:34:55 In fact, I think my alcohol blindness is being cured as we speak.
00:34:59 I... I think I see a cloud.
00:35:01 An eagle, bastard!
00:35:03 My God, the sun!
00:35:05 Oh shit, he's gonna see us! What do we do?
00:35:07 Run away, man!
00:35:08 [Panting]
00:35:09 Dude, we're screwed!
00:35:12 Maybe not.
00:35:13 You think what I'm thinking?
00:35:15 Never.
00:35:16 We just get this guy sloshed and he'll be as blind as a pelican!
00:35:18 Pelicans aren't blind.
00:35:19 Come on!
00:35:21 Here, Krooky, a toast.
00:35:23 For good luck!
00:35:24 I mustn't have a drop.
00:35:25 The fate of the queen depends on it.
00:35:27 Wouldn't be very proper to turn down a shot of English gin, would it?
00:35:30 Bitch, prop us my middle name.
00:35:32 [Gulping]
00:35:34 Woo-hoo! Tally-ho!
00:35:36 [Gunshot]
00:35:37 See? I told you this was a bad idea!
00:35:40 [Gunshot]
00:35:41 Dude, you're a lightweight!
00:35:42 Boulder Dash!
00:35:43 I know that sound.
00:35:45 Gentlemen, we're under attack.
00:35:47 [Gunfire]
00:35:50 Holy crap! Are you serious?
00:35:52 Don't worry, chaps. There's a .50 cal in the top turret.
00:35:55 One of you old boys be a sport and fend off those Jerrys for a pip, will you?
00:35:59 Right. You shoot the machine gun, I'll keep the old guy flying the plane blind.
00:36:03 That is the worst plan I've ever heard!
00:36:05 All right, fine.
00:36:07 But in case I die, I still hate you.
00:36:10 I hope they shoot you in the face!
00:36:12 [Grunting]
00:36:14 [Horn honking]
00:36:15 [Gunfire]
00:36:20 Seize their souls!
00:36:22 Oh, shit! Jetpack Demon ninjas!
00:36:24 We toasted to you, so now we gotta toast to me.
00:36:28 Well, it's only customary.
00:36:30 Good job!
00:36:31 Oh?
00:36:32 Okay. I got this.
00:36:34 [Gunfire]
00:36:36 [Grunting]
00:36:37 [Gunfire]
00:36:41 [Grunting]
00:36:42 [Gunfire]
00:36:45 [Gunfire]
00:36:47 [Gunfire]
00:36:50 Nice evasive maneuvers!
00:36:52 You leave my mother out of this, you twat!
00:36:55 Your mother? Everybody's got a mother!
00:36:58 Your mom's got a mother!
00:37:00 [Laughing]
00:37:02 [Gunfire]
00:37:05 [Grunting]
00:37:08 [Gunfire]
00:37:09 [Screaming]
00:37:13 [Grunting]
00:37:15 Oh, my God, I just puked.
00:37:17 Don't get cocky!
00:37:18 Crooky?
00:37:19 [Snoring]
00:37:20 [Growling]
00:37:23 Jupiter Olympus?
00:37:25 No!
00:37:26 [Screaming]
00:37:28 [Growling]
00:37:32 Hey, what is your favorite animal?
00:37:35 I like the color green a lot, but also the bathroom, 'cause that's where you can bomb.
00:37:40 [Grunting]
00:37:41 [Gunfire]
00:37:43 Hey, hey, I got the last one. You guys see that?
00:37:46 Of course you did.
00:37:47 You guys see that?
00:37:49 [Panting]
00:37:51 Pull him up! We're gonna crash!
00:37:53 Are you hungry?
00:37:54 You gotta pull up right now, we're gonna crash!
00:37:56 [Grunting]
00:37:57 [Screaming]
00:37:59 [Growling]
00:38:03 [Grunting]
00:38:05 [Growling]
00:38:10 [Growling]
00:38:15 Everyone okay?
00:38:17 I'm fine.
00:38:18 I... I'm dying.
00:38:21 Oh, shit.
00:38:22 Oh, God.
00:38:23 [Coughing]
00:38:26 Here, take this.
00:38:29 What is it?
00:38:30 You two must finish my mission now.
00:38:32 Stop those bastards red and blue from finding the great sword of destiny.
00:38:37 It's hidden atop Littori Fel.
00:38:42 What? What does that mean?
00:38:43 I'm counting on you, my dear Tom and Tom.
00:38:47 No, wait! What is Littori Fel?
00:38:49 Another flight, another crash.
00:38:52 Perfect record.
00:38:55 Ah, I tell you.
00:38:59 May the eagles carry you up to heaven.
00:39:02 That dude's gotta have a hangover tomorrow.
00:39:05 Woo-wee!
00:39:07 Dude, wait.
00:39:08 Since it looks like we're stuck together, we may as well work together.
00:39:12 I mean, I guess it was pretty sharp shooting up there with those ninjas, even though you barfed like a loser.
00:39:18 Shut up.
00:39:19 Come on, let's go find that blade.
00:39:24 Ooh, la-la.
00:39:25 Yeah, I'm gonna go probe this waitress for information.
00:39:28 Wait, you're gonna do what?
00:39:30 Red, where are you going?
00:39:33 [crash]
00:39:36 [phone ringing]
00:39:40 Pick up, pick up, pick up.
00:39:42 Hey, it's Blue. Just text me. No one listens to voicemails.
00:39:47 Hey, Blue, it's Pink. Just calling you for the hundredth time.
00:39:52 Where have you been?
00:39:53 Mailbox full. You crazy.
00:39:55 Damn it!
00:40:00 [dog barking]
00:40:07 [knocking]
00:40:09 'Sup, bitch?
00:40:11 Hey, Stacey. You haven't seen Red around, have you?
00:40:13 Blue hasn't been answering his phone for like two days.
00:40:16 Who's Red?
00:40:17 That guy you have sex with every day?
00:40:19 Mmm.
00:40:21 Which one?
00:40:22 The one with the hat.
00:40:24 Oh, Steven?
00:40:25 'Sup, babe? Ready for a round trace?
00:40:28 Ugh, never mind. Red, when do you get that hat?
00:40:35 Sorry we couldn't meet again, old crooky grin, but I'm sure I'll see you soon.
00:40:40 I'm super old.
00:40:42 Are you sure it was Rouge et Blue?
00:40:44 Oh, yep. They went that way.
00:40:46 Fantastique. We will find them no matter what.
00:40:48 Gendarmerie, mobilisement.
00:40:50 Calm the area and your mustaches.
00:40:52 Especially you, Jacques.
00:40:54 Oui.
00:40:55 [laughing]
00:40:59 Excellent work, Colonel Dingleberry.
00:41:02 The sword is safe thanks to you.
00:41:04 You said I'd get a reward?
00:41:06 And you shall.
00:41:08 You'll be seeing your friend crooky grin sooner than you think.
00:41:13 [sword clanging]
00:41:14 Oh, shit!
00:41:15 Should've seen that coming.
00:41:16 [groaning]
00:41:18 Yeah, let me show you how to French kiss.
00:41:21 Why don't you show me your tour Eiffel instead?
00:41:25 [laughing]
00:41:26 What?
00:41:27 Red, what are you doing?
00:41:28 Beat it, man.
00:41:29 Can't I have a private moment here?
00:41:32 [kissing]
00:41:34 Garcon, there seems to be an asshole in our soup.
00:41:37 [gulping]
00:41:39 Dude, Takagami and those ninjas could still be out there.
00:41:42 We've got to find Le Tour Eiffel.
00:41:44 Don't worry about him.
00:41:45 Why don't you, Escargot, get us a bottle of wine?
00:41:48 [laughing]
00:41:49 [cheering]
00:41:51 [laughing]
00:41:53 [laughing]
00:41:55 Il a beaucoup de crabe a penise.
00:41:58 [groaning]
00:42:00 Don't forget that bottle of wine!
00:42:02 Seriously? We don't have time for this.
00:42:04 Have you seen this place?
00:42:06 There's wine and women everywhere!
00:42:09 We're in paradise, mon soeur!
00:42:11 Nope, this is Paris.
00:42:13 We've got to find that stupid blade and get out of here.
00:42:15 [groaning]
00:42:16 Why are you always bossing everybody around?
00:42:18 What are you, the king of Europe?
00:42:20 We just don't have time for another interruption.
00:42:23 ♪ Fromage, fromage ♪
00:42:26 ♪ In France it's called fromage ♪
00:42:30 [screaming]
00:42:32 ♪ It isn't a mirage ♪
00:42:34 ♪ And it paid some homage ♪
00:42:40 ♪ Baguette, baguette ♪
00:42:43 ♪ It looks just like a duck ♪
00:42:46 ♪ You bake it in the oven ♪
00:42:48 ♪ And it smells just like a-- ♪
00:42:50 Shit!
00:42:51 ♪ 'Cause France's favorite meal is-- ♪
00:42:53 That baby Nazi ass sees power fart!
00:42:55 [cheering]
00:42:59 Oh, he swears just like my son.
00:43:02 Dude, is that Lord Tourette's?
00:43:03 Well, hello!
00:43:05 Motherfuckers!
00:43:06 Yeah, that's Lord Tourette's.
00:43:07 [laughing]
00:43:08 Dude, what are you doing in Paris?
00:43:10 Playing the accordion.
00:43:12 But why are you in Paris?
00:43:14 To play the accordion!
00:43:16 Garçon, I believe there's an accordion in our soup.
00:43:20 Garçon, I believe there is a man in our soup.
00:43:26 What are you two doing here?
00:43:28 [gasps]
00:43:29 We're here to play the accordion too!
00:43:31 Really?
00:43:32 No.
00:43:33 Wait, we're not?
00:43:34 No, we're trying to find something called "le tour eiffel."
00:43:38 Le tour eiffel?
00:43:40 Oh, you must mean the Eiffel Tower.
00:43:45 That's what it is?
00:43:46 French is retarded!
00:43:48 [speaking French]
00:43:50 Spread out.
00:43:51 Find those assholes Rouge and Blue.
00:43:54 And kill them!
00:43:56 [gasps]
00:43:57 I'm always getting down.
00:43:59 Down, down, down.
00:44:01 No one kills a mime in my town.
00:44:04 Stop it!
00:44:05 Now the French police are trying to kill us too!
00:44:07 This quest sucks.
00:44:08 Whose dumb idea was this?
00:44:09 Yours, numbnuts!
00:44:10 Now shut up and hide!
00:44:12 Shut!
00:44:16 Waiter, do you work here?
00:44:18 We ordered crab legs.
00:44:20 Oh, why, yes you did.
00:44:23 They're right here.
00:44:24 Waiter, have you seen these two men?
00:44:27 Uh, crab legs?
00:44:29 [speaking French]
00:44:30 Yeesh, your food looks delicious.
00:44:38 Ma, the crab's legs won't come off.
00:44:41 You must first crack the shell.
00:44:44 There you go, take a bite.
00:44:46 Ma, your food is cooked so fresh, it is still crying.
00:44:54 May I try your bite?
00:44:56 Please, it is too much for us.
00:44:58 Merci beaucoup.
00:45:00 It is rather tender.
00:45:07 It's our, uh, most famous dish.
00:45:10 Men, men, you must come over and try this crab.
00:45:14 Monsieur, we have finished our sweep.
00:45:22 Rouge and Blue are nowhere to be found.
00:45:24 Very well, we'll return tonight for dinner.
00:45:28 And make sure you have plenty of crab.
00:45:30 Gendarmerie, mobilisement!
00:45:32 Check the next restaurant.
00:45:35 [laughs]
00:45:37 Take me back to the ocean.
00:45:39 Come on, dude, be quiet and we can get out of here.
00:45:42 Did that crab just fart?
00:45:46 Crabs do not have buttholes.
00:45:49 [screams]
00:45:51 Don't let them eat me!
00:45:52 Open fire!
00:45:54 [screaming]
00:45:56 We gotta get out of here!
00:45:59 Get in! I'm the hotline!
00:46:01 Shut up!
00:46:03 Come on, come on, come on!
00:46:05 I'm not going to jail again!
00:46:07 [laughs]
00:46:08 Thank God! Lord Tourette, can you get us to the Eiffel Tower?
00:46:11 You bet your sweet ass!
00:46:12 Now buckle the fuck up!
00:46:14 It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
00:46:16 [tires screeching]
00:46:19 Alert all units, give me everything!
00:46:24 Freeze, Americans!
00:46:29 [tires screeching]
00:46:31 [tires screeching]
00:46:33 I'll be back!
00:46:47 [grunts]
00:46:48 [tires screeching]
00:46:50 [grunts]
00:46:53 [tires screeching]
00:46:57 [grunts]
00:47:00 [grunts]
00:47:01 [grunts]
00:47:04 [tires screeching]
00:47:06 [grunts]
00:47:14 [screams]
00:47:15 Umbrellas! Get your umbrellas!
00:47:19 [tires screeching]
00:47:21 [laughs]
00:47:23 [gunfire]
00:47:26 [screams]
00:47:27 Take the wheel!
00:47:29 Right!
00:47:30 [grunts]
00:47:31 [grunts]
00:47:33 [grunts]
00:47:34 [grunts]
00:47:36 [grunts]
00:47:37 [grunts]
00:47:39 Huh? Aha!
00:47:41 [grunts]
00:47:43 [grunts]
00:47:45 [tires screeching]
00:47:48 [horn honks]
00:47:50 [grunts]
00:47:52 [horn honks]
00:47:54 [screams]
00:47:56 [grunts]
00:47:58 [grunts]
00:47:59 [grunts]
00:48:00 [grunts]
00:48:02 [laughs]
00:48:04 [tires screeching]
00:48:06 [gunfire]
00:48:07 [tires screeching]
00:48:08 Where are we going?
00:48:12 Follow me! We'll guide you to the--
00:48:14 Cock!
00:48:15 --the Paris!
00:48:16 The what of what?
00:48:17 Changes are great.
00:48:19 [grunts]
00:48:21 [screams]
00:48:23 [laughs]
00:48:25 [grunts]
00:48:28 [tires screeching]
00:48:29 [grunts]
00:48:30 [screams]
00:48:35 Fred!
00:48:36 [tires screeching]
00:48:37 [screams]
00:48:40 Gotcha!
00:48:41 [grunts]
00:48:42 Holy crap!
00:48:44 I almost died!
00:48:46 You're welcome, motherfucker.
00:48:48 [tires screeching]
00:48:49 Come on!
00:48:51 [grunts]
00:48:53 [grunts]
00:48:55 [explosion]
00:48:57 [tires screeching]
00:48:58 There he is!
00:49:03 Let's tour him fast!
00:49:05 [laughs]
00:49:06 Fun fact!
00:49:11 This tower was--
00:49:12 A rat cat!
00:49:13 --in 1889!
00:49:14 Gross.
00:49:15 [tires screeching]
00:49:18 Oh, crap!
00:49:21 They got us surrounded!
00:49:22 Oh, you are surrounded!
00:49:24 Get off of our cock!
00:49:25 You get off of my cock, dick!
00:49:27 Oh, how dare you!
00:49:29 Be careful.
00:49:30 He curses well.
00:49:31 LT, can you hold them off while we get the blade?
00:49:33 Leave it to me!
00:49:35 Come on!
00:49:37 [grunts]
00:49:38 Oh, my God, I'm out of shape.
00:49:40 Dude, I'm a King Kong.
00:49:42 How about a little lullaby?
00:49:44 [laughs]
00:49:45 ♪ Go to sleep, make the tea ♪
00:49:50 ♪ With cream-sauce fresh baguettes ♪
00:49:54 ♪ Drink some wine, my sweetheart ♪
00:49:58 And my fucking ass shorts!
00:50:00 Zut alors!
00:50:01 I am becoming very...
00:50:04 ...sleepy.
00:50:06 [grunts]
00:50:08 He's talking to his pal!
00:50:10 ♪ Lullaby will make you sleep ♪
00:50:14 I say drag to the fucking deep!
00:50:17 [dramatic music]
00:50:20 ♪ ♪
00:50:24 Uh, now what?
00:50:26 Stick it in.
00:50:27 Stick it in!
00:50:29 You're such a creep.
00:50:31 [dramatic music]
00:50:32 [zapping]
00:50:35 [gasps]
00:50:36 [groans]
00:50:38 Two pieces down, one left to go.
00:50:41 I wonder what that last piece is.
00:50:43 I hope it's a dragon.
00:50:44 I really don't think it's a dragon.
00:50:46 [burps]
00:50:47 Oh, Splendid!
00:50:48 You found it!
00:50:49 Yeah, but we're still missing that last piece.
00:50:52 Oh, wait, the letter!
00:50:53 [paper rustles]
00:50:54 Damn it, it's in French.
00:50:55 I can read it.
00:50:56 [grunts]
00:50:57 It says, "The last piece of the sword is a..."
00:51:00 [rustling]
00:51:02 "...gem."
00:51:03 It's a gem, and it's hidden in a house...
00:51:05 [rustling]
00:51:06 "...in a mountain behind your..."
00:51:08 [rustling]
00:51:10 "...hometown."
00:51:12 Fantastique!
00:51:13 [gasps] Really?
00:51:14 Très bien.
00:51:15 Yeah, that's super convenient.
00:51:16 Good...
00:51:17 [gibberish]
00:51:18 ...luck, you two.
00:51:19 I hope you find your destiny.
00:51:23 Oh, man.
00:51:24 Thanks, Lord Tourette's.
00:51:25 See ya.
00:51:26 Adios, little green man.
00:51:27 Au revoir.
00:51:28 Motherfuckers!
00:51:29 [dramatic music]
00:51:31 [grunts]
00:51:32 [gasps]
00:51:33 [gasps]
00:51:34 [yells]
00:51:35 Run!
00:51:36 Don't let them get away!
00:51:38 They are defiled Francis Cox!
00:51:40 [thud]
00:51:41 That sword will be mine!
00:51:44 [roars]
00:51:47 [dramatic music]
00:51:50 [music ends]
00:51:52 And so, Red and Blue escaped from the Takagami Demon Army
00:51:57 and the French police,
00:51:58 and took a long, convoluted map journey home
00:52:01 to find the last piece of the great sword of destiny
00:52:05 so Blue can get Pink a birthday present.
00:52:08 Or something.
00:52:09 I don't know. This movie's crazy.
00:52:11 Am I in your mind?
00:52:13 Are you in mine?
00:52:16 [yells]
00:52:18 [gunshot]
00:52:19 [dramatic music]
00:52:22 [explosion]
00:52:25 I am never taking a plane, boat, submarine, turtle,
00:52:28 dragon, motorcycle, rocket, parachute, train, hand car again.
00:52:32 Yeah, I mean, probably not.
00:52:34 [upbeat music]
00:52:35 [gasps]
00:52:36 [upbeat music]
00:52:39 Ah, America.
00:52:41 It's good to be back.
00:52:43 Okay, according to LT,
00:52:44 the gem of the sword is hidden in a mountain.
00:52:47 Are there any mountains around here?
00:52:49 Huh, I never noticed that before.
00:52:52 'Sup, boys?
00:52:53 Stacy, I see two mountains right here.
00:52:57 Aw, crap, not now.
00:52:58 Dude, we don't have time for this.
00:53:00 Well, she can wait a little bit,
00:53:01 but the gem hasn't gone anywhere for like a billion years.
00:53:04 Pink's birthday party is starting any minute.
00:53:06 I gotta get there.
00:53:07 No gem, no sword.
00:53:08 No sword, no present.
00:53:09 No present, no blue and pink.
00:53:11 Relax, I'll just have a drink or two.
00:53:14 You never just have a drink or two.
00:53:16 I promise, just a couple bottles,
00:53:18 we'll have that whatever it is in no time.
00:53:20 Red, seriously, what the hell?
00:53:22 We're so close.
00:53:23 Don't be such a stick in the bud, dude.
00:53:25 We made it home.
00:53:26 It's party time, man.
00:53:28 Hey, ladies!
00:53:30 I don't know why I ever trusted you.
00:53:31 You never follow through on anything.
00:53:33 This is the most important thing
00:53:34 that's ever happened to me and you're bailing?
00:53:36 [roaring]
00:53:38 [cheering]
00:53:39 Dude, there's boobs in here!
00:53:41 What am I supposed to do?
00:53:43 Be my friend.
00:53:45 Sorry, bro, this train's leaving for Waste Space USA.
00:53:48 Population?
00:53:49 These hoes, these nuts, and this bottle of Jack.
00:53:52 Get over here, girl.
00:53:53 Put your face on my sack.
00:53:54 Woo!
00:53:55 [roaring]
00:53:57 Red!
00:54:07 Dude, this party sucks.
00:54:09 Eh, at least there's free beer.
00:54:13 Happy birthday to me.
00:54:16 Happy birthday.
00:54:18 Where's Blue?
00:54:19 Jesus!
00:54:28 That raccoon's reward better be worth it.
00:54:31 I don't need that jerk.
00:54:33 I can do this alone.
00:54:35 This is for you, Pink.
00:54:37 I'm coming, baby.
00:54:38 Time to get my quest on.
00:54:41 Begin epic montage!
00:54:45 [theme music]
00:54:48 It's an epic montage.
00:55:09 Just an epic montage.
00:55:14 Oh.
00:55:17 Yeah, it's an epic montage.
00:55:21 It's an epic montage.
00:55:38 [theme music]
00:55:41 Hey, what's going on?
00:55:47 Oh, my God!
00:55:51 What the hell?
00:55:52 [screaming]
00:56:07 Oh, my God!
00:56:09 Check this out!
00:56:10 It is so cool.
00:56:12 Isn't this cool?
00:56:15 [grunting]
00:56:16 Oh, boss, that feels crazy.
00:56:19 [screaming]
00:56:21 I suppose we should be thankful, Blue Sun.
00:56:25 You led us straight to the greatest sword of destiny.
00:56:29 And now, I am going to avenge every person who has died, ever!
00:56:35 Wait, what about all those people who died of old age?
00:56:39 Them, too!
00:56:41 That's a stupid plan!
00:56:43 Now give me back that sword!
00:56:45 You're a stupid plan.
00:56:49 Throw the round head into the volcano!
00:56:52 [screaming]
00:56:55 My coarse knife!
00:57:03 Red, what are you doing here?
00:57:05 After I finished drinking all those girls and screwing all that beer,
00:57:08 I decided I should come back for my friend.
00:57:11 I must be dead.
00:57:12 Blue Sun, the Red One tells the truth.
00:57:15 You have a very good friend, indeed.
00:57:18 You were right, man.
00:57:19 For once, I gotta finish what I started.
00:57:21 Plus, that sword is pretty tight.
00:57:23 That's what I've been saying the whole time.
00:57:26 So, you're back?
00:57:28 I'm back, dude.
00:57:30 You, you're back?
00:57:33 It is time to finish what I started 10,000 years ago.
00:57:37 Are you still butthurt about that little geisha you called a wife?
00:57:42 The only one who is about to be hurt is you.
00:57:47 You really think you can defeat all of us?
00:57:52 Didn't you know I can go all night, baby?
00:57:58 I'm nocturnal.
00:58:01 We're in for a huge fight, aren't we?
00:58:07 You know it.
00:58:08 Try to take some notes.
00:58:10 Yeah, right.
00:58:11 I didn't play all those video games for nothing.
00:58:14 New challenger appears.
00:58:22 K.O.
00:58:23 Flawless victory.
00:58:25 Finish him.
00:58:26 Oh my god, this is actually working.
00:58:28 Yeah, dude, keep doing it.
00:58:30 Hadouken.
00:58:31 Brutality.
00:58:32 Inabilities.
00:58:34 Beastianity.
00:58:35 Gross.
00:58:37 You can't kill me.
00:58:46 You're just a stupid raccoon.
00:58:49 You need better insults.
00:58:53 K.O.
00:58:54 Father, son.
00:59:05 Oh, shit.
00:59:07 If you ever want to fight evil, you must keep your elbows straight.
00:59:14 Father, one day I want to go to America.
00:59:18 But it's not a country yet.
00:59:22 You are Lord Takagami?
00:59:25 Did you ever wonder why we have the same last name?
00:59:29 Impossible.
00:59:33 K.O.
00:59:34 [Fighting sounds]
01:00:02 Father, son, why did you become so evil?
01:00:07 I had to avenge all the people who have died in the world.
01:00:11 But by killing people, aren't you creating more people you need to avenge?
01:00:17 Yes.
01:00:18 This way, I can do this sweet job forever.
01:00:23 You are evil.
01:00:26 And you kept your elbows straight.
01:00:31 Sayonara, father, son.
01:00:34 Oh, shit.
01:00:44 Nature's ninja.
01:00:47 Raccoon, you okay?
01:00:49 I am so sad.
01:00:52 But you did it, man.
01:00:54 You freaking cut your dad's head off.
01:00:57 It is true.
01:00:59 Takagami is finally defeated.
01:01:02 Yeah, that hombre is muerte.
01:01:05 What is that?
01:01:10 Mucho muerte.
01:01:25 [Fighting sounds]
01:01:34 Follow me.
01:01:36 Oh, fuck.
01:01:50 Holy shit.
01:01:52 That's mucho muerte?
01:01:53 That is a big ass sushi.
01:01:55 Boys, your town is in grave danger.
01:01:59 Oh, my God.
01:02:00 Pink.
01:02:01 She's probably fine.
01:02:03 [Fighting sounds]
01:02:07 Okay, we should probably get down there.
01:02:09 Let's go.
01:02:10 Quickly.
01:02:11 There is no time for runes.
01:02:13 Hey, Pink.
01:02:20 Have you ever met my sister?
01:02:23 Happy birthday.
01:02:25 Thanks.
01:02:26 I just wish Blue was here.
01:02:28 Whatever, bud.
01:02:29 Boys are overrated.
01:02:31 [Screaming]
01:02:38 What the fuck is that?
01:02:40 Wow, this party's crazy.
01:02:42 [Fighting sounds]
01:02:50 [Grunting]
01:02:52 Blue?
01:02:58 What's going on?
01:02:59 Sorry I'm late.
01:03:00 It's a long story.
01:03:02 Just like my dick.
01:03:03 Really, Red?
01:03:04 [Grunting]
01:03:06 Mucho muerte.
01:03:08 Go back from whence you came.
01:03:10 [Laughing]
01:03:13 You can't kill Takagami that easily.
01:03:17 Oda-san, you were ocho muerte, too?
01:03:21 When you defeated me, I trapped your wife for eternity.
01:03:28 But Takagami could never marry Akechi.
01:03:33 But Oda-san, I loved her.
01:03:37 And how about a reunion?
01:03:40 [Grunting]
01:03:43 Boys, it's up to you now.
01:03:47 [Grunting]
01:03:49 No! No!
01:03:51 [Grunting]
01:03:53 [Grunting]
01:03:56 No, Papa-san!
01:03:58 [Screaming]
01:04:00 Blue, help!
01:04:02 Pink!
01:04:03 [Screaming]
01:04:05 Dude, the sword!
01:04:08 [Screaming]
01:04:10 [Grunting]
01:04:13 [Screaming]
01:04:16 [Roaring]
01:04:17 Guard wheel, dude!
01:04:20 [Grunting]
01:04:24 Blue!
01:04:25 [Roaring]
01:04:28 [Screaming]
01:04:30 [Screaming]
01:04:32 [Grunting]
01:04:33 [Screaming]
01:04:35 Blue!
01:04:36 [Screaming]
01:04:38 No!
01:04:39 [Grunting]
01:04:41 [Screaming]
01:04:43 [Grunting]
01:04:45 [Roaring]
01:04:47 Dude, it's slipping!
01:04:49 You can't pull me up with just one arm!
01:04:51 But I'll drop the sword!
01:04:53 Do it, or you'll drop me!
01:04:58 Sorry, dude.
01:04:59 What?
01:05:01 No!
01:05:05 [Gunshot]
01:05:07 Red, did you just imagine dropping me?
01:05:10 Maybe.
01:05:12 I fucking--
01:05:14 Red!
01:05:19 Stop imagining ways to kill me and pull me up!
01:05:22 Nah.
01:05:23 [Screaming]
01:05:27 I thought we were actually friends this time.
01:05:35 Yar!
01:05:38 [Grunting]
01:05:41 [Grunting]
01:05:42 [Roaring]
01:05:49 [Grunting]
01:05:52 [Grunting]
01:05:54 [Roaring]
01:05:58 [Explosion]
01:05:59 [Screaming]
01:06:02 [Explosion]
01:06:11 [Coughing]
01:06:15 Holy shit.
01:06:16 You okay?
01:06:18 No way.
01:06:19 You?
01:06:20 Nah.
01:06:21 Hey, man.
01:06:22 I'm sorry I've been such an asshole.
01:06:24 I've, uh, never really had a friend before.
01:06:27 Really?
01:06:28 Yeah.
01:06:29 It's all good, man.
01:06:30 Just stop pooping in my bed, okay?
01:06:32 I never pooped in your bed.
01:06:33 I've been pooping in my sleep.
01:06:35 Nah, I'm just messing with you.
01:06:36 I poop in your bed.
01:06:37 But I won't anymore.
01:06:40 Papa-san?
01:06:45 Papa-san!
01:06:46 Raccoon, is that you?
01:06:48 [Coughing]
01:06:50 Raccoon.
01:06:52 [Groaning]
01:06:54 I'm alive.
01:06:56 Whoa.
01:06:57 We thought you were super dead.
01:06:59 Seriously.
01:07:01 Not yet.
01:07:05 Mama-san?
01:07:06 [Coughing]
01:07:09 Uh, Papa-san.
01:07:11 [Groaning]
01:07:13 I thought I lost you forever.
01:07:16 No, my love.
01:07:18 Only for 10,000 years.
01:07:20 I will never lose you again.
01:07:23 That's your wife?
01:07:26 Yes.
01:07:27 I could not face my son after destroying Hapan,
01:07:30 and I feared the sword would rust forever.
01:07:33 Thanks to your bravery,
01:07:35 it has been reconstructed,
01:07:37 and I could finally save my wife.
01:07:40 Wait.
01:07:41 So this whole time,
01:07:42 we were actually risking our necks for you?
01:07:44 We got tricked!
01:07:46 I did trick you into finding the sword for me.
01:07:49 But what you found for yourself was friendship.
01:07:53 That's true.
01:07:54 Fame.
01:07:55 Yeah, yeah.
01:07:56 Pink!
01:07:57 Blue!
01:07:58 Pink!
01:08:01 I was so worried about you.
01:08:03 I thought you were dead.
01:08:04 You know I never miss your birthday party.
01:08:07 Young lovers,
01:08:08 this sacred rotus flower
01:08:10 has kept our love strong for 10,000 years.
01:08:14 May it do the same for you.
01:08:18 Nintendo.
01:08:21 Blue, it's beautiful.
01:08:23 I told you I'd get you something special.
01:08:28 I love you.
01:08:29 Huh.
01:08:30 I love you too.
01:08:31 I got a boner!
01:08:33 Good one.
01:08:34 Dude, aren't you glad you went on this quest?
01:08:36 Yeah, man.
01:08:37 I told you I wasn't a pussy.
01:08:38 Psh, I always knew we could pull it off.
01:08:41 Really?
01:08:42 Well, yeah.
01:08:43 'Cause we're awesome!
01:08:47 That shit was totally amazing
01:08:50 Your brain cannot even comprehend
01:08:53 So much passion and excitement
01:08:56 For the sake of your couch,
01:08:58 I hope you're wearing a pants
01:09:00 We've learned so many things together
01:09:03 To pen and speed and friend people of mind
01:09:06 This film attends the interaction
01:09:09 And everyone together's in for 21 times
01:09:12 Yeah!
01:09:13 Dig figures, dig figures
01:09:15 You just watched a whole fucking career
01:09:19 Dig figures, dig figures
01:09:22 Bow before all heaven and knock your previous car
01:09:25 Dig figures, dig figures
01:09:28 Someone get a doctor, post a phobia
01:09:30 Fuck your total critique
01:09:32 You asked them, they deliver
01:09:34 If you don't make dig figures
01:09:36 Get the heart of a figure after a dick
01:09:38 I can pretend, forget explosions
01:09:41 And trip like demon angels with factual grease
01:09:44 Your life is a hot iron garden
01:09:47 Now you're so excited that you're letting all over the place
01:09:51 Wonder-loving explosion-frozen octopus
01:09:54 Sorry for the spoiler, but it's your fault
01:09:57 They'll teach you the means to do the sad tracks
01:10:00 Before you watch the movie
01:10:02 I mean, for God's sake, who does that stupid piece of shit?
01:10:04 Dig figures, dig figures
01:10:06 Save the world, but do you think about that?
01:10:10 Dig figures, dig figures
01:10:13 You just watched a film easy as a bat
01:10:16 Dig figures, dig figures
01:10:19 Now the wind blow like a stupid heart
01:10:21 It knows the part of a joke
01:10:23 You asked them, they deliver
01:10:25 A movie so great it's made your junk explode
01:10:29 Oops, our bad
01:10:32 Sorry about your junk
01:10:39 Just kidding, fuck you
01:10:41 Dig figures
01:10:44 (Dig figures)
01:10:47 (Dig figures)
01:10:50 (Dig figures)
01:10:52 (Dig figures)
01:11:05 (Dig figures)
01:11:07 (Dig figures)
01:11:09 (Dig figures)
01:11:11 (Dig figures)
01:11:13 (Dig figures)
01:11:15 (Dig figures)
01:11:18 (Dig figures)
01:11:20 (Dig figures)
01:11:22 (Dig figures)
01:11:24 (Dig figures)
01:11:26 (Dig figures)
01:11:28 (Dig figures)
01:11:30 (Dig figures)
01:11:32 (upbeat music)
01:11:34 (upbeat music)
01:11:37 (upbeat music)
01:11:39 (upbeat music)
01:11:42 (upbeat music)
01:11:47 (upbeat music)
01:11:51 (upbeat music)
01:11:56 (upbeat music)
01:12:00 (upbeat music)
01:12:07 (upbeat music)
01:12:09 (upbeat music)
01:12:14 (upbeat music)
01:12:18 (upbeat music)
01:12:24 (upbeat music)
01:12:32 (upbeat music)
01:12:34 (upbeat music)
01:12:40 (upbeat music)
01:12:47 (upbeat music)
01:12:53 (upbeat music)
01:12:59 (upbeat music)
01:13:02 (upbeat music)
01:13:08 (upbeat music)
01:13:14 (upbeat music)
01:13:20 (upbeat music)
01:13:26 (upbeat music)
01:13:28 - That shit was crazy, yeah.
01:13:50 Yeah!