These Racing Games Suck!
Going. Going. Head's Gone.
Transcript
00:00 Hello all of you little demons, Jules here for WhatCulture.com, and yes, you have read
00:04 the title, I am back for another Not List, aka an episode of These Things Suck, a format
00:12 where I and my neck vein Jeremy decide to take a screeching whistle-stop tour around
00:17 the video game industry, find things that make us feel so goddamn angry inside, that
00:21 make us just wanna curl up into the fetal position and cry a little bit, and then make
00:24 videos about them for your entertainment. You are very, very welcome.
00:28 And today we are talking about an absolute skidmark of a topic, because we're discussing
00:34 racing video games that yes, absolutely suck.
00:38 Because while our real lives might be filled with traffic queues, spiralling fuel prices,
00:42 and of course the fact that most of us own something far less impressive than a supercar,
00:46 when it comes to video games we're piloting such beasts that even the rev of their engines
00:50 would make our rides leak oil. And I ride a bike, so that's very weird.
00:54 But yes, you know the format by now, we're not talking about the Forzas, the crashed
00:58 Nitro Karts, or even the F-Zeroes, no, we're talking about the absolute stinkers that crashed
01:03 and burned straight into a brick wall as soon as they started. Fantastic. So let's get
01:07 on with it as I'm Jules, this is WhatCulture.com, and yes, these racing video games suck.
01:15 I tell you Sonic, seriously mate, how are you a mascot for this gotta go fast mentality
01:24 yet have been in so many absolute skipfire racing games?
01:29 In fact, outside of the genuinely brilliant Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed and
01:33 maybe one or two surprisingly okay racing titles, his other racetrack endeavours have
01:38 been less burning rubber and more absolute skids. And right in the utter pits of this
01:43 are the likes of Sonic R and Sonic Free Riders.
01:46 Now to begin, Sonic Free Riders for the Xbox 360 feels exactly like that, a free ride that
01:52 coasted on the goodwill generated from prior Sonic Riders titles that crashed and burned
01:56 right out of the gate. For you see, dear friends, in yet another of their "well let's have
02:00 a cheeky bump first before we do anything", the devs decided to pivot this entire game
02:05 around the Xbox 360's Kinect. Which, uh, hoo hoo, lest we not forget, is about as responsive
02:12 as the Grim Reaper's non-existent genitals, and was such a taint on this game in equal
02:18 measures.
02:19 Using naught but their own flabulous and pale goblin-like bodies, players were then asked
02:24 to use motion controls to gracefully glide around tracks. Except, seeing as the Kinect
02:28 barely wanted to register its own existence in our reality, ended up with us flailing
02:32 around as Sonic slammed his face into walls and then ground his mush along at a snail's
02:37 pace. Now at this point in time, I thought that maybe this was the most pain that Sonic
02:41 could put me through when it came to racing titles, but then I remembered that darkest
02:45 of clouds that loomed over the franchise. Sonic R was here, and it was bringing the
02:50 thunder. And by that I mean that it made an absolutely arse-wobbling squelch when it landed
02:56 on the Sega Saturn.
02:57 This game, ooh, my sweet prince, this game. It is so ineffably bad that it warrants a
03:04 hazardous waste warning symbol on the box. The way that it approaches its very controls
03:08 scream of a design team looking to reinvent the wheel but only developing a new way to
03:13 eat bloody pot noodles, as the sludgy turning circles combined with blistering speed is
03:18 like the team was out to lunch every waking moment. Plus, for some ungodly reason, they
03:23 decided to include platforming elements in their racing games, meaning that you have
03:27 to jump over obstacles as they present themselves to you. And sometimes you just have to stop.
03:33 You just have to stop racing. And that's what people want, right? That's what people
03:36 want to do in a racing game. Is stop.
03:39 So I ask you, do you want to play a game with controls that feel as effective as trying
03:43 to get your cat not to sit on your keyboard? Do you want to play a game with graphics so
03:47 sharp that you could cut f***ing beef on them? Do you want to play a game with a camera so
03:51 disgustingly rigid that it clips through every single wall it can?
03:55 Now if you answered yes to any of these, then I can only assume that that's a cry for
03:58 bloody help, and I hope that you get the attention that you need, my friend. But it is a cry
04:02 that unfortunately will be drowned out in the mire of just sheer, utter horror.
04:09 And also admittedly some pretty good soundtracks. That was the one game saving feature that
04:12 it had. Pretty bop-filled. But anyway, explosion.
04:15 [Explosion]
04:16 So I know what you're thinking to yourself, oh baby, it sure is nice to live in the world
04:21 of 2022 where borders are kind of opening up again and now travel across the world is
04:26 finally accessible... sometimes, when we feel like it, assuming that there's not another
04:30 massive catastrophe going on. Still we have a little bit more freedom is what I'm trying
04:33 to say.
04:34 But wait my friend, before you pack your string vest and pairs of socks that come with sandals
04:38 stitched to them, how about we look around to see if video games can save you a bit of
04:42 cash and a bit of jetlag, as there is actually a game on the market that apparently lets
04:46 you experience North Korea in all of its mysterious glory.
04:50 That's right, North Korea! Wow! Woo! Wee! Wow!
04:57 [Airhorn]
04:58 Yes, that's right, thanks to the likes of Pyongyang Racer, we can experience the actual
05:04 streets of Pyongyang. Or should that be Hollywood set cutouts, because those houses and buildings
05:10 that you're driving past really are looking pretty flat my friend. And where are the bloody
05:13 people? And why are there only like two or three cars on the road at a single time? And
05:17 why is that rather stern police officer here telling me what to do with every waking second
05:21 of my life?
05:23 Okay, so beyond all of these very weird gameplay elements, this game absolutely stinks like
05:30 rotten eggs. For some reason, your car burns through oil at a rate that would make even
05:34 America itself sweat, and thus you're constantly having to collect random oil drums that have
05:38 been scattered around the very, very bland streets. In fact, going out of your way to
05:43 collect these drums is the only challenge presented to the player, as there's not
05:46 even enough traffic to require extreme drifting, nor any incentive to drive quickly lest the
05:51 officer on duty chews me out again.
06:04 So all that's left to do is bumble around collecting postcards of famous Pyongyang landmarks,
06:09 which is highly ironic seeing as the country itself would likely count these images as
06:13 evidence of you being a spy, and are so utterly grainy that it fills your eyes with sand just
06:18 by looking at them.
06:19 In short, it is a bizarre game from an even more bizarre place.
06:24 21. 21. No, that is not the number of seconds it takes Vin Diesel to make any reporter he
06:32 finds attractive feel uncomfortable after an interview has started, but the max, the
06:37 max player count on the week of launch for Fast and Furious Crossroads, which didn't
06:44 land with a squelch on the market, no no no my friend, it smashed through the marketplace,
06:49 it destroyed everything, and then puked on the dashboard while giving us thumbs up.
06:53 Car crash.
06:54 The peak player count, on its week of launch, 21, I genuinely think that I could muster
07:00 up more people to lick electrical fences than that by just yelling out my front door, and
07:04 remember, my neighbours hate me. I mean, could you imagine living next door to this?
07:08 That being said, for those unlucky few, they had to contest with a game so unbearably ugly
07:12 through and through that 21 likely came to reflect the number of minutes they could stomach
07:16 before deleting this from Steam. Whereas most racetracks are designed with some thought
07:21 and care for the player's enjoyment, Fast and Furious Crossroads looked like it based
07:25 its entire course creation mentality on the emotional investment of its lead voice actors,
07:29 as the resulting flatline makes for an experience akin to falling asleep at the wheel.
07:34 Seriously, Vin, what were you doing in between takes for this? Tranquilizers and tequilas?
07:38 Not that you'll have to worry about driving headfirst into oncoming traffic, because while
07:42 these cars may look like they're made out of tinfoil draped over the graphics engine
07:46 from Lego Racers, each is secretly a tank and therefore can crash its way through with
07:51 nary a worry. I know that the film franchise is one to take the laws of physics over its
07:55 knee from time to time and give it a nutter spanking, but here it feels so lazy and slapdash
08:00 to the point that it's utterly aggravating.
08:02 Now, if we were being kind to the game, we could describe its gameplay moments as 'cinematic'
08:08 in the way that it tries to tie all of the action set pieces together with dynamic cutscenes
08:12 and stuff like that, but if we're being honest, this is less 'cinematic' and more
08:16 ropey VHS that you recorded off of ITV with all the ad breaks included, because I tell
08:22 you this for f***ing none, Dr. Frankenstein himself would have a hard time trying to breathe
08:27 life into this f***ing corpse.
08:29 This burnout clone with a popular IP stapled to its mug was about as low as video game
08:35 tie-ins can stoop, and thankfully audiences around the world voted with their wallets
08:39 and turned Crossroads into simply being crossed off any future wish lists.
08:43 I tell you what Joe, I'm getting so sick and tired of talking about these bad games
08:47 man, I feel like I'm just wearing myself thin. Can we just talk about some good racing
08:51 games, like Micro Machines on the Mega Drive, that was like the epitome of brilliance, right?
08:58 Oh bollocks.
09:02 Yeah hello? Yeah look, we've got quite a serious problem. Jules is going massively
09:07 off script and I'm going to need you to step in here. Yeah, oh we're doing racing
09:12 games? Well yeah, that's why I called you. Yeah great, okay cool. Oh thank you so much,
09:18 great. Oh nice, well hey good to speak- oh, oh he's gone.
09:24 Hello dialer dickhead, Jules speaking. Wait, there's actually somebody else on the other
09:29 end of the phone this time.
09:30 Right then Jules, you smelly egg sundae, it's me! Back on the channel because you're
09:34 talking about racing games and that's what I do now, so I'm going to step in. Seriously
09:39 though, how is my hand getting signal? It's a hand! You mentioned Mega Drive Micro Machines
09:44 like it's the best thing since sliced, not wet bread, because it was! And when it came
09:49 to the most recent Micro Machines game, all Codemasters had to do was take Toybox Turbos,
09:53 a game they made three years prior that was really good, just do it again, put the licensed
09:57 stuff in it, and they'd be golden. But they didn't. They started with that idea and
10:02 then thought no, let's strip out everything that actually makes the game fun. No single
10:06 player whatsoever, loot boxes galore, product placement that would make even Wayne's World
10:10 jokes feel toned down, and more focus on weird deathmatch modes over actual racing. It's
10:16 astonishing to see them make a Micro Machines spiritual successor so right, and then make
10:20 an actual Micro Machines game so wrong. This idiot pre-ordered it and played it for about
10:26 22 minutes. I'm still salty about it, it's been five years! I'm still salty about it.
10:32 Anyway, it's good to see you, I'm really glad the series is still going. Kisses!
10:37 Thanks for calling in, Rich! Still don't know how you did that. Bye!
10:42 Good to see you.
10:45 Okay, let's talk about Big Rig's over-the-road racing. You knew that it was going to be on
10:49 this not list, so let's just talk about it now. And here's the thing, I actually
10:53 feel kind of bad for this game. I really, really do. Because while it is, on every conceivable
10:59 level, absolutely, technically, awful, there is a story behind it that is kind of heartwarming,
11:06 that will maybe make you see this game in a different light. Because yeah, it's a
11:10 game that is so unbelievably broken that it's almost impossible to hate it with any real
11:14 intent. Sure, the title 'Through the F***ing Floor Racing' would be more appropriate,
11:18 sure the AI is so incompetent that you can't actually lose the race as they aren't programmed
11:23 to cross the finish line, and yes, the ability to reverse at speeds faster than light itself
11:27 exists because nobody bothered to put a limiter on this feature will definitely break your
11:31 brain, but it's so wonky that it will reduce you to fits of laughter over fits of anger.
11:36 Plus, when you read into the title's development story, you'll find a tale of a small dev
11:40 team with minimal budgets forced to release the game in a pre-alpha state by their publisher.
11:45 But here's the thing, I'm actually glad that this game was released in the state that
11:49 it was. I know it sounds really weird, it should never be encouraged that a publisher
11:52 forces a game out onto the market when it clearly isn't ready, but here, because of
11:57 the state that it was in, that's why it achieved such a level of infamy that allowed
12:01 it to become a cult classic within some circles. If it came out as a polished or a more realised
12:07 version of this game, you know what it would be? F***ing boring. Here though, it's so
12:12 insane off the wall that you cannot deny its presence. Because of the fact that it sold
12:18 so well because people were so drawn to its utter weirdness, it's getting a sequel.
12:23 It would not have got a sequel had it come out as a better game. It basically got to
12:28 live again because it died so very, very hard. So what we're gonna do right now is give
12:34 this game a little smack on the wrist, acknowledge that it is, on paper, literally the worst,
12:39 and look forward to the insanity that is sure to come down the line.
12:43 So yeah, this game sucks, but I'm kind of glad that it does.
12:46 Oh Christ, okay, so we're gonna be talking about a game now called Cosmic Race. Now I
12:54 want you, if you've got a dual screen, it'd be a lot easier. If you've got a triple screen,
12:59 you rich bastard, stop rubbing it in. Go over to Wikipedia and type in Cosmic Race PS1.
13:05 Go down there and you tell me what are the first things that you see when you look at
13:09 its Wikipedia page. I'll tell you for those who can't be bothered to check.
13:12 Cosmic Race is a spaceship racing game. That's it. That's all you get when it comes to its
13:18 gameplay. Seven words, or six and a half if you're gonna be technical about it, to sum
13:21 up its entire essence. And that sort of thing shakes me to my very core. What is so bad
13:27 here that people couldn't even begin to try and comprehend writing what it is on Wikipedia?
13:34 Well let's find out. Because yes, that should have been a warning not to open this Pandora's
13:39 Box of pain and was definitely ignored by yours truly as I loaded up a copy and witnessed
13:44 something akin to an intense acid trip and a three day festival come down all at once.
13:50 Because Cosmic Race is more than a spaceship racing game. It is a waking nightmare.
13:56 So after you've selected your Sonic OC Do Not Steal DeviantArt Post-It Note Pilot, and
14:01 let's face it, we all chose the Giga Chad Leo, you then get to select from a series
14:05 of courses that looks as if you stared directly into the sun but also had pink eye at the
14:10 same time. Like literally, this is bacteria, right? This is not a course.
14:14 Well if you thought that was sick, well you're about to come down with a case of what the
14:18 f*** fever, as suddenly the game throws you into utter chaos. Cars race the opposite way
14:23 through the track, there's an arrow constantly pointing to absolutely nothing, there's
14:27 a mini-map in the top right that looks like a game of centipede is being played out by
14:31 itself, and then of course there's the graphics which clip in and out of reality so much
14:35 that you think that bloody Doctor Strange had been messing with the code. This is, without
14:40 a shred of hyperbole, the worst racing game I have ever played. The actual worst.
14:47 But you know what makes it somehow even more stinky?
14:55 You accelerate by pressing R1. Case f***ing closed. Burn this sick filth.
15:02 There we go my friends, another not-list from yours truly. Thank you very much Joe for editing
15:07 today, send some love his way as well, and if you want to catch us on the social medias
15:11 then you can do so by following us over on Twitter @RetroJ but the O is a zero and Joe
15:15 has put his handle up right here as well so go follow him too my friends.
15:20 Now before I go and try and calm down from the sweaty mess that I have become after filming
15:25 this, I just want you to know one thing. This series is filmed with hyperbole, with over-the-top
15:31 anger, and I encourage you not to try and take anger forward into your real lives because
15:35 it's not healthy. It's a draining experience and you will come out the other side of it
15:39 actually learning nothing from it. Sometimes anger will crop up in our life but I urge
15:44 you, if you can, have the ability to step away from situations that are causing you
15:48 anger or people that are doing that, then I encourage you to do so because it's not
15:51 a pleasant experience to hang onto and can manifest in some pretty bad ways. Big love
15:56 to you. Go out there with love in your hearts instead. Build bridges instead of burning
16:00 them and remember, you deserve love and so does your neighbour. If you can carry that
16:03 mentality forward, you will live a healthier and happier life. And trust me, that's all
16:08 I want for you, alright? Now go out there and smash it with kindness. As always, I've
16:13 been Jules, you have been awesome, never forget that and I'll speak to you soon. Bye.