The Smothers Brothers confound every attempt by Jack to force them into his straitjacket comedy formula while performing his theme song, but, even scarier to Jack, he is pinned under an unexploded bomb in a World War II London air raid. The UXB squad turns out to be the Smothers. Tom can't remember which wire to pull, while Dick uses the opportunity of Jack's being immobilized to lock in an appearance on Jack's final program.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00 [music]
00:13 From Hollywood, the Jack Benny Program, with his special guest, the Smothers Brothers.
00:18 [music]
00:21 [applause]
00:24 [music]
00:35 No, no, no. That's not right.
00:37 I said it wasn't the trees.
00:38 I know you said it wasn't the trees, but then you said, "Oh no, it isn't the breeze."
00:42 Well, you said it wasn't the breeze.
00:43 Well, no, first it wasn't the breeze. It was the trees.
00:46 Oh yeah, well...
00:48 [laughter]
00:50 If it's the trees, it can't be the breeze. And I said, "Oh no, it isn't the breeze."
00:55 So that... So how... I'm awful right.
00:58 [laughter]
01:01 You are right. But just forget everything I've told you.
01:06 Just say, "Can it be the trees that fill the breeze, please?"
01:11 Okay.
01:12 Can it be the... What?
01:15 Trees.
01:16 Can it be the trees that fill the breeze, please?
01:20 [laughter]
01:22 That's stupid. How can it be the trees that fill the breeze, fellas?
01:25 Okay.
01:26 [applause]
01:45 Of course, ladies and gentlemen, you know those are the Smothers brothers.
01:49 [applause]
01:54 You know, the reason I had them out here at the opening is I thought for a change,
01:59 it would be kind of nice to have someone else do my theme song instead of that orchestra of mine.
02:06 See, it's not that I have anything against my musicians,
02:09 but when the brass section blows through their instruments and those fumes fill the breeze,
02:15 [laughter]
02:17 believe me, it's a rare but not magic perfume.
02:21 [laughter]
02:26 Normally, having trouble like that at the opening of a show would upset me, but not anymore.
02:31 I feel that these things really aren't too important.
02:36 You know, I found out that the only important thing in life is your health.
02:41 Yes, sir, that's the important thing.
02:45 But fortunately, I don't get sick very often because I keep myself in real good condition,
02:50 you know, physical condition, and the way I do that is by getting plenty of exercise.
02:56 Every morning, I used to get up at 7 o'clock and turn on my TV set,
03:00 and do all those exercises they show you on television.
03:05 But after about eight weeks, I had to stop.
03:07 Then you see, I found out that those exercises were for women, and my whole shape was changing.
03:13 [laughter]
03:21 As a matter of fact, I didn't notice it myself until one day I, um...
03:26 Well, I better save that for the Johnny Carson show.
03:30 [laughter]
03:33 And now, ladies and gentlemen, getting on with the show,
03:36 I'd like to bring on my guest, two very fine entertainers, the Smothers Brothers.
03:41 [applause]
03:49 [music]
03:56 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boy, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:04 [knocking]
04:06 [laughter]
04:07 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boy, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:11 ♪ Only song I ever did sing is "Pull that cabbage down" ♪
04:15 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boy, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:18 ♪ The only song I ever did sing is "Pull that cabbage down" ♪
04:22 Take it, Tom!
04:23 No.
04:23 [laughter]
04:25 I said no, I didn't want to take it.
04:27 [laughter]
04:27 You're supposed to take it. Aren't you a folk singer?
04:30 Yes, but I said no because I didn't want to take it.
04:32 Wait a minute, you're a folk singer. Have you read the folk singer's guidebook?
04:36 Yeah, but I didn't want to...
04:38 And what does the guidebook say? It says all folk singers are obligated to do what?
04:43 You're obligated to take it.
04:49 [laughter]
04:51 Without hesitation? Without thinking?
04:55 Like a reflex, Tommy. Take it, Tom. Boom, boom, boom.
04:57 Yeah, right!
04:58 When I say take it, hop to it.
04:59 [laughter]
05:01 ♪ Pull that cabbage down ♪
05:04 Take it, Tom.
05:05 Boom, boom, boom.
05:07 [laughter]
05:11 Hundreds of years ago, the railroad started in America.
05:14 Rugged men of yesteryear went out in the wilderness with vision in their eyes
05:19 and big nine-pound hammers in their hands.
05:22 Went out in the wilderness to build the great spider web of steel rails,
05:26 the transcontinental railroad to span our country
05:29 as these men went out in the wilderness and toiled
05:31 and inched their way across the vast bosom of America.
05:34 [laughter]
05:38 I thought I'd throw a little sex in the show.
05:40 [laughter]
05:45 This wasn't just a fun job.
05:46 There was dangers in this job as they built the railroads up the mountains
05:51 and down the mountains and then across the deserts and over raging rivers
05:58 and they had to span crevices, deep crevices in the ground
06:02 and in the bottom of the crevices, there was pumas.
06:05 [laughter]
06:06 These were pumas with claws and foam coming out of these pumas' mouths
06:10 and the railroad men, they're going, "Woo! Look at those pumas down there!
06:14 [laughter]
06:15 "I'm not going to build any railroads!"
06:16 "Across the crowd, there's pumas in the cracks!"
06:19 "Where are the pumas?"
06:21 "There were no pumas in the crevices because we don't have pumas here.
06:24 "There are no pumas in America."
06:25 [laughter]
06:31 "Well, maybe some came over to visit, you know."
06:35 [laughter]
06:37 "They don't visit!
06:38 "Now, if you want to keep your story truthful, you get rid of the pumas right now."
06:42 "I'm not going down that crevice."
06:44 [laughter]
06:48 And there was these vicious beasts in these deep crevices
06:52 and these rail men said,
06:55 "Wow! Look at those vicious beasts in the crevices!
06:57 [laughter]
06:58 "They look like pumas!"
07:00 [laughter]
07:03 But they weren't.
07:04 [laughter]
07:06 And they were so afraid, yet the railroads were completed.
07:09 Yet the Transcontinental Railroads were completed
07:12 and a big feast transpired for these rugged railroad men
07:16 and the sole substance for this big feast for these railroad men,
07:20 the sole substance was hot cakes boiled in cabbage juice.
07:24 [laughter]
07:27 It's not so popular now.
07:28 [laughter]
07:30 So they had to sing about something else.
07:31 [music]
07:33 ♪ Bought myself a bicycle, I learned to ride it well ♪
07:37 ♪ Crash into a telephone pole and broke it all in pieces ♪
07:40 [laughter]
07:41 ♪ There was gal on boasting that old Cape Brown ♪
07:44 ♪ The only song I ever did sing was "Pull the Cabbage Down" ♪
07:48 ♪ Oh, working on the railroad, working all day long ♪
07:52 ♪ Take it ♪
07:52 [music]
07:53 [laughter]
07:57 You did...
07:58 Have you ever read the folk singer's manual?
08:00 [laughter]
08:01 It says when someone says, "Take it," you're supposed to take it.
08:03 I said, "Take it," and you didn't take it!
08:05 I'm sorry.
08:06 I'm very sorry.
08:07 Really, I'm sorry.
08:08 Don't get belligerent!
08:12 You didn't take it!
08:13 [laughter]
08:14 I said, "I'm sorry."
08:15 That's all I can say.
08:16 I'm sorry.
08:16 That's okay, then.
08:18 Don't make any more mistakes.
08:20 [laughter]
08:22 ♪ Working on the railroad, working all day long ♪
08:25 ♪ Take it ♪
08:25 ♪ Working, working, working, working, working, working, working ♪
08:29 ♪ Pull the cabbage down, boy ♪
08:31 [laughter]
08:33 ♪ The only song I ever did sing was "Pull the Cabbage" ♪
08:35 ♪ Pull the cabbage down, boy ♪
08:37 ♪ Turn that old Cape Brown ♪
08:39 The only song I ever did sing was "boil that cabbage down"
08:52 [applause]
09:07 Well, Paula, that was very, very good.
09:09 Thank you.
09:10 You know, you boys have been quite successful the last few years. It must make you very happy, huh?
09:16 Well, it makes us happy, but it really makes our family very happy, especially our little old grandmother.
09:21 Oh, your grandmother, huh?
09:23 Yeah, we have a little old grandmother, and she lives up in Barney Gulch, a little town in northern California.
09:29 And since things have been going well, nobody ever hardly knew her,
09:33 but now they refer to her as Smothers Brothers Mothers Mother.
09:37 [laughter]
09:43 No.
09:45 [laughter]
09:47 Yes, she has a mailbox this long.
09:49 Oh, Paula, tell me something about yourself. Where did you go to school?
09:55 Well, we went to high school down here in Redondo Beach, California, and then we both went to college.
10:00 Oh, you went to college, both of you. What did you study?
10:03 Well, I was studying business administration, and Tommy was studying medicine.
10:08 [laughter]
10:16 He looks like a puma to me.
10:18 [laughter]
10:22 Tommy, you were studying medicine?
10:24 Yeah, I was going to be a brain surgeon.
10:27 [laughter]
10:32 A brain surgeon?
10:34 Yeah, I couldn't be a puma. There's no puma.
10:37 [laughter]
10:43 You studied to be a brain surgeon?
10:46 Yeah, but I decided against it. I mean, you know, I was 18 years old, and my mother still was cutting my meat for me.
10:53 [laughter]
10:58 Well, I can see where that might lessen your confidence.
11:02 I was pretty good with a fork, but a knife, I was lousy.
11:06 [laughter]
11:09 Well, tell me, how did you... how did you kids happen to get into show business?
11:16 You know, we were watching television, a program, and there was this guy that came out, and he just... he didn't do anything. He just kind of stood around, and he stared at the audience.
11:25 Tommy, Tommy.
11:26 He did too. He just went out, and he stood out there, and he kind of stared at the audience. He didn't do anything.
11:31 Well, the way I figured, if he could go out there and stand around and do nothing, I guess I figured we could maybe do something.
11:36 Tommy.
11:37 [laughter]
11:55 Gee, he looked a lot younger on television, didn't he?
11:57 [laughter]
11:59 He doesn't know what we're talking about.
12:01 I do too, and that was years ago.
12:05 Anyway, I'm glad I was responsible for you going into show business.
12:09 Now, I know you're going to do another number, so what's it going to be?
12:13 How does he know we're going to do another number?
12:15 [laughter]
12:17 When he pays, he knows.
12:19 [laughter]
12:20 Gee, well, he better pay us plenty, because brain surgeons don't work cheap.
12:24 [laughter]
12:26 I know, I know. Just... just do your number.
12:30 [applause]
12:36 We'd like to do a song of a young man who just lost his sweetheart.
12:40 He's feeling very sorry for himself.
12:42 It's entitled "I Never Will Marry."
12:45 Some say that love is a gentle thing
12:52 But it only has caused me pain
12:59 For the only girl I ever did love
13:06 Gone on that midnight train
13:11 I never will marry
13:18 I'll take me no why
13:25 I expect to live single
13:32 All of my life
13:42 When I was very young, I remember there was a little girl that lived down the street from me.
13:48 And we always used to say that when we grew up, we'd be married.
13:52 And it was sort of a childish thing in a puppy love.
13:56 Yet as years went by, this puppy love grew into something very dear and very precious to me.
14:02 You know, they tell us that love is a gentle thing.
14:06 But I think each person here who has truly loved and been loved
14:12 Has shed a tear and experienced heartache.
14:17 And the girl I learned to love so very much
14:21 Broke my heart and left me for another man.
14:25 Yet I love her still.
14:28 And I swear by all the stars in the skies that as long as I live
14:32 I never will marry
14:34 Unless I can marry her.
14:38 I'll mess around a little bit, but you know...
14:40 [audience laughter]
14:52 [audience applause]
15:01 You know, there's something about those boys that's very familiar.
15:06 They remind me of a couple of fellas I met when I was in London in 1944.
15:11 It was during the war and I was over in Europe entertaining the servicemen.
15:16 And while I was there, I also did a few shows at the London Palladium.
15:22 Well, one night, the enemy planes came over and put on one of the most devastating air raids of the entire war.
15:30 I'll never forget it.
15:32 I had finished my show at the theater and I was walking back to my hotel.
15:37 When the sirens started to wail, the bombs dropped, and the searchlights were crisscrossing the sky.
15:49 By Jove, they gave us a bit of what for tonight!
15:52 No, no, this one's even worse than the other one.
15:55 Shh, it's the duck.
15:56 Listen.
16:00 You hear something?
16:01 Cool 'nother duck.
16:02 Sounds like we've got a real-life bomber out here.
16:04 Blimey, that's a big 'un!
16:08 Well, we'll go and get the bomb-diffusing squad.
16:10 Hold it.
16:11 There's a bloke under here.
16:14 I'll be hurry!
16:15 Hold on.
16:17 [applause]
16:32 What are you doing there?
16:34 What am I doing?
16:35 I try to catch this for a souvenir.
16:39 What do I do?
16:41 He's an edgy one, isn't he?
16:43 American, you know.
16:48 Hey, pull this off of me, will you please?
16:50 Hold it!
16:54 Can you hear it ticking?
16:57 The slightest little jolt will sell the whole thing off.
17:00 You mean...
17:01 Let me put it this way, Governor.
17:03 If you sneeze, you'll never hear the Gesundheit.
17:10 All right, clear the area.
17:13 Everybody out.
17:14 Clear the area.
17:16 [screams]
17:23 Hey, clear the area.
17:24 He said everybody clear the area.
17:28 For heaven's sake, can't you see I'm trapped under here?
17:32 For heaven's sake, can't you see he's trapped under there?
17:37 Get a spider.
17:38 Take this thing off.
17:39 Tommy, go ahead and get started.
17:41 Not until he closes his eyes.
17:44 Why should I close my eyes?
17:46 I don't like anybody looking over my shoulder while I'm working.
17:51 If I make a little mistake, you'll go blabbing it around to everybody.
17:56 If you make a mistake, I won't tell anybody, believe me.
18:01 Not even the guy who picks up my lips.
18:08 Okay, in that case, you can watch.
18:11 No, thank you.
18:13 Now, first, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:17 First, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:20 Yeah, I heard him.
18:21 All right, Tommy, you get looking on that end.
18:22 I'll look on this end.
18:26 It's getting louder.
18:28 It's getting louder.
18:33 That sounds hollow.
18:38 It's alarming.
18:40 Shh, it's talking to me.
18:42 Talking to you?
18:44 Hey, the bomb's talking to me.
18:45 It even knows my name.
18:46 It said Tommy.
18:48 I never knew a bomb before.
18:51 I never bought one.
18:52 Will you be quiet, please?
18:56 Now, let's get this cover off.
19:05 Look at this clock.
19:07 What a beautiful mechanism.
19:10 That's an XK-41, that's a Swiss movement.
19:14 No, no, the XK-41 happens to be a German movement.
19:18 It's a Swiss movement.
19:19 It's a German movement, XK-41's German.
19:21 It's a Swiss movement.
19:22 It is not.
19:23 Who cares?
19:25 Stop talking and work.
19:28 It's always the fellas who are just lying around there that keep rushing.
19:34 Why wouldn't I rush you?
19:35 I don't even think you fellas know what you're doing.
19:38 Will you two, I just defused the bomb.
19:40 Just a little while ago, right over there.
19:49 What's over there?
19:52 Tommy, I thought you said you defused that bomb.
19:56 I did what I always do.
19:58 I detached the white wire from the blue wire.
20:01 It's supposed to be the green wire from the blue wire.
20:05 I thought it was the white wire.
20:07 No, no.
20:09 It's always been the green wire from the blue wire.
20:11 Just a little mistake.
20:13 I mean, everybody makes a mistake.
20:16 You know, nobody's perfect.
20:18 Gee, if everybody was perfect, if you were perfect, and if you were perfect, and I was perfect, what kind of world would this be?
20:24 This would be some world, believe me.
20:26 Look, if I want philosophy, I can listen to Bertrand Russell or Jack Parr.
20:34 Now get back to work, will you?
20:36 Okay.
20:38 Well, according to this clock, we've got about two minutes before the bomb goes off.
20:43 So we'd better hurry.
20:44 Yeah, I'll get behind this cog wheel here, and I'll detach this wire right there.
20:50 Hey, Tommy, I just noticed something.
20:52 Do you know who this is?
20:55 No, who?
20:56 That's Jack Benny.
20:58 You mean the guy that's playing at the Palladium?
21:00 Yeah, it's Jack Benny.
21:03 Are you really?
21:07 Yes, yes, I'm Jack Benny.
21:09 Hey, nice to meet you.
21:11 Don't get up.
21:15 Go to the truck and get the guitar.
21:17 Guitar?
21:19 We wanted to get into show business, Mr. Benny, and we'd sure like to do a number for you.
21:23 But there's no time, you said yourself, there's only two minutes left on the bomb.
21:27 Great. Tommy, let's do that special song we've been working on.
21:30 Yeah, that's a...
21:33 We've only got two minutes.
21:35 That's all right, the song takes a minute.
21:38 I have a funny number. If you feel like laughing, go right ahead.
21:42 No.
21:44 Look at boys.
21:45 What tempo?
21:49 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:51 No.
21:52 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:53 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:55 That's not the way it goes.
21:57 I don't care.
22:00 How'd you like that one?
22:01 Fine, fine.
22:02 How about an encore?
22:04 Never mind the encore, we've only got a few seconds left.
22:07 Let's do it again.
22:09 Bella! Bella! Bella!
22:36 Fellas.
22:38 Fellas, I'm sorry.
22:40 If I told my producer once, I told him a thousand times.
22:44 When we do a sketch, don't use a real bomb.
22:49 Hey, Dickie, you know, I can just see it in tomorrow's headlines in the papers.
23:03 Benny's bombed Smothers Brothers.
23:07 Thanks, boys. Thanks very much for being on the show.
23:27 You know, this is one of the dirtiest shows I've ever been on.
23:33 Ladies and gentlemen, well, that's the show.
23:42 Good night, folks, and I'll be seeing you soon.
23:46 (APPLAUSE)
23:50 (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
23:54 (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
23:58 (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
24:03 (MUSIC PLAYING)
24:07 (MUSIC CONTINUES)
24:12 (MUSIC CONTINUES)
24:16 (MUSIC CONTINUES)
24:45 (MUSIC CONTINUES)
24:49 (upbeat music)