Onadore Channel
  • 8 months ago
The Donor Party (2023)
Transcript
00:00:00 [MUSIC]
00:00:10 [SOUND]
00:00:23 [MUSIC]
00:00:33 [MUSIC]
00:00:43 [MUSIC]
00:01:11 Sorry.
00:01:13 Todd.
00:01:14 >> Jacqueline.
00:01:15 >> Hi.
00:01:17 Wow, look at you and all of that.
00:01:21 What are you doing here?
00:01:23 I mean, it's funny seeing you here.
00:01:25 I thought you had an apartment downtown.
00:01:28 >> No, we bought a house around the corner.
00:01:31 >> For the school?
00:01:33 >> You remember Gia, don't you?
00:01:35 >> Yeah, last time I saw her, her face was kind of covered by her crotch.
00:01:40 >> I heard you got married.
00:01:41 Congratulations.
00:01:42 >> Thank you.
00:01:43 >> That's so sweet of you to say.
00:01:44 >> Thank you.
00:01:44 Yeah, I'm a dad.
00:01:46 >> Yeah, yeah, how'd that happen?
00:01:48 I mean, I know how that happened.
00:01:50 Just, you said you didn't want babies when we were married.
00:01:55 >> Yeah, well, turns out I was wrong.
00:01:58 Kids are great.
00:02:00 >> He's a great dad.
00:02:02 I'm really happy for you guys.
00:02:04 >> Thank you.
00:02:05 I couldn't be, well, we couldn't be happier.
00:02:09 >> I'm living my best life.
00:02:11 >> Yeah, of course.
00:02:12 >> Yeah.
00:02:13 All right.
00:02:14 Well, we should get going.
00:02:16 >> Okay.
00:02:17 >> Got to get this in the ground.
00:02:18 >> Yeah, yeah.
00:02:19 >> You know, but it was really --
00:02:20 >> To get deep.
00:02:21 >> It was great to --
00:02:22 >> Oh, I -- let's not smother the --
00:02:26 >> Really great.
00:02:28 >> Yeah.
00:02:30 So great to see you.
00:02:35 >> Can I help you?
00:02:37 >> Hi, yeah.
00:02:40 I have a -- there's a -- of this plant.
00:02:44 It's a dwarf tangerine, and I bought it here a year ago, and it's grown some, it just doesn't grow any fruit.
00:02:51 And I've tried everything, even like a citrus steak.
00:02:54 >> I think it's growing great.
00:02:56 These leaves are gorgeous and lush.
00:02:59 But you see this?
00:03:01 Something happened to it.
00:03:03 Disease, trauma?
00:03:06 >> It's going to die?
00:03:07 >> No, no, it will keep growing.
00:03:09 It will never bear fruit.
00:03:11 >> [ Crying ]
00:03:21 >> That was supposed to be me, you know?
00:03:23 >> Yeah.
00:03:24 >> He said kids will change us, and I love us.
00:03:27 >> Me, too.
00:03:28 >> I thought he would change when you had kids and when my brother had kids and when his cousins had kids, and I waited and I waited.
00:03:35 And then he just didn't want to have kids with me.
00:03:39 >> I know, and this is probably the wrong time to say I told you so, but, honey, I have literally been telling you the exact same thing for 15 years.
00:03:49 >> I wasted all my good eggs on that asshole, and now I'm never going to be a mom.
00:03:54 >> No, yes.
00:03:55 >> I'm never going to be alone.
00:03:56 >> Yes, you are.
00:03:57 You just -- you have to get back out there.
00:03:59 >> I am out there.
00:04:01 >> I am out there, and it's like every good guy is married or they don't want to have kids or the older guys, they already have kids and they don't want to have any more or the young guys, they just want to fuck a elf.
00:04:13 But I'm not even a elf.
00:04:15 I'm just an elf.
00:04:17 I just want to skip the dating part and get to the mom part.
00:04:23 >> No, no, don't skip the dating part.
00:04:25 The dating part is where all the good, fun sex happens.
00:04:28 No, when you get to the mom part, it's just, you know, scheduled sex once a week and the foreplay is like he brushes his teeth.
00:04:36 That's me.
00:04:37 >> My mom was the best, and she made me feel like I could do anything and like I was exactly perfect just the way I was.
00:04:47 I want to do that for a little one.
00:04:50 I want to be that mom for somebody.
00:04:53 >> I don't know why you're tripping.
00:04:55 You don't need a husband to have a baby.
00:04:57 >> No, that's true.
00:04:58 You could totally just adopt.
00:04:59 Although adoption is not cheap.
00:05:01 I had friends who did it.
00:05:03 It's like 40 grand all said and done.
00:05:05 >> Fuck me.
00:05:06 I wasn't talking about adoption.
00:05:08 >> Artificial insemination is worse.
00:05:10 Mike and Lydia, they went through six IVF treatments at 25 grand a pop.
00:05:15 >> Well, fuck me.
00:05:16 You don't have to buy it.
00:05:18 Just go and get some.
00:05:20 >> What are you getting?
00:05:21 >> What?
00:05:22 >> You know.
00:05:23 Get some.
00:05:24 >> Mm-hmm.
00:05:27 Mm-hmm.
00:05:28 Mm-hmm.
00:05:29 >> Oh.
00:05:30 >> That's called stealing sperm.
00:05:32 >> It's not stealing if they freely give it away.
00:05:35 >> Condoms break.
00:05:37 Accidents happen.
00:05:39 Especially if you plan.
00:05:41 >> No, that's insane.
00:05:43 You can't do that.
00:05:44 You can't just -- although, I mean, if there -- no.
00:05:49 It's just -- it's wrong.
00:05:51 >> Is it wrong?
00:05:53 >> I mean -- I mean, it could work.
00:05:56 >> Right.
00:05:57 >> It could work.
00:05:58 >> What is happening right now?
00:06:00 >> I kind of think you're the devil.
00:06:02 But it is not the worst idea.
00:06:04 >> If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, then it is the worst idea.
00:06:09 >> It's the best worst idea.
00:06:11 >> Oh.
00:06:12 >> How will he ever find out?
00:06:13 >> You know, I'm not going to call him and tell him.
00:06:15 You guys aren't going to call him and tell him.
00:06:17 I mean, most guys ghost me anyway.
00:06:20 And this time I want him to ghost me.
00:06:23 >> And he gets to have sex with you and you get a baby.
00:06:27 Win-win.
00:06:28 Win-win.
00:06:29 >> Okay, I think you guys are forgetting something.
00:06:31 >> Right.
00:06:32 >> What?
00:06:33 >> What if his sperm is slow or he's shooting blinks?
00:06:36 >> We'll have a backup.
00:06:37 >> I'm thinking two, maybe three.
00:06:38 We got to flood the fallopian tubes when the egg drops.
00:06:40 >> Yeah, yeah.
00:06:41 >> You're talking about an orgy?
00:06:42 >> It's like having three one-night stands in the same day.
00:06:46 >> Okay.
00:06:48 >> Oh, my God.
00:06:50 No.
00:06:51 No, I can't do this.
00:06:52 This is crazy.
00:06:54 I don't want to just fuck some rando to get a baby, you know?
00:06:57 That's why I can't go to the sperm bank in the first place.
00:07:00 Aside from the fact that it will bankrupt me.
00:07:03 I want to know that the father of my child is a good person.
00:07:07 >> Right.
00:07:08 >> You know, like a kind person.
00:07:11 Ideally artistic and intelligent and a good sense of humor.
00:07:17 >> Who the fuck am I kidding?
00:07:19 I should just freeze my eggs until I find Mr. Right.
00:07:24 >> I deal.
00:07:26 What if we found him for you?
00:07:29 [♪♪♪]
00:07:34 [♪♪♪]
00:07:45 >> You want some nuts?
00:07:47 >> I don't know.
00:07:48 I can put nuts in it for you.
00:07:50 Would you like that?
00:07:51 I can put nuts anywhere you like.
00:07:52 >> Okay, babe, shut it down.
00:07:54 We have guests.
00:07:55 All right, but mom has the kids, so we will have time for your special birthday treat later.
00:08:00 Don't get too fucked up.
00:08:02 >> Okay.
00:08:03 I have an idea, though.
00:08:04 What if we just send all these jokers home and then we have later now?
00:08:07 How about that?
00:08:09 >> All of our best friends?
00:08:10 You mean those jokers?
00:08:14 >> What about her?
00:08:15 What about that joker?
00:08:16 I don't know her.
00:08:17 Who is she?
00:08:18 >> That's Jackie's friend from work.
00:08:19 >> Oh, the lesbian.
00:08:20 >> Yes.
00:08:21 >> Yeah.
00:08:22 Why is she here?
00:08:23 >> She's Jackie's plus one.
00:08:25 >> Oh.
00:08:26 Are they?
00:08:28 >> No.
00:08:29 Just don't.
00:08:30 >> Why is Jackie coming?
00:08:31 >> Because she's like family.
00:08:32 >> Is she like family, though?
00:08:35 >> I don't know.
00:08:36 Maybe I just had it in my head that we were going to take a Jackie break after Thanksgiving.
00:08:40 >> All right, she had just found out that Todd was getting remarried.
00:08:44 >> I know.
00:08:45 >> She just found out.
00:08:46 >> Believe me, I was sympathetic with all the crying and the carrying on, but did she have to teach our 6-year-old about blow jobs?
00:08:52 >> She didn't.
00:08:53 >> All about blow jobs?
00:08:54 >> She didn't hear that whole thing.
00:08:55 >> Soup to nuts.
00:08:56 >> Nope, nope.
00:08:57 Maybe the soup, but not the nuts.
00:08:58 >> That's not even our job to do that.
00:09:00 It's the Internet's job.
00:09:02 >> You will barely know that she is here.
00:09:05 [ Music ]
00:09:15 >> I can do this.
00:09:16 It's just casual sex.
00:09:18 I can do that.
00:09:19 I can totally do that.
00:09:21 [ Music ]
00:09:30 >> Do you guys have everything you need?
00:09:31 >> Yes, we do.
00:09:32 >> Thank you.
00:09:33 >> Hi.
00:09:34 >> Whose playlist is this?
00:09:35 >> These are Jeff's favorite songs.
00:09:37 [ Music ]
00:09:43 >> Nope, can't do it.
00:09:44 >> No, stop, stop, stop.
00:09:46 >> No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:48 On paper, this all sounded great, but now that I'm actually here, I can't, I can't do it.
00:09:52 >> Okay, just--
00:09:53 >> Well, listen, I 100% agree, but please don't leave me here.
00:09:56 >> I--
00:09:57 >> I have to have one more conversation about IPOs.
00:09:59 I will murder someone.
00:10:00 >> What's going on?
00:10:01 >> She's reconsidering.
00:10:02 >> No, no, no, you cannot back out.
00:10:04 >> Yes, I can.
00:10:05 >> No.
00:10:06 >> Because this is crazy.
00:10:07 >> Yes, it is crazy.
00:10:08 Like Uber Eats and standing desk, but crazy can be genius.
00:10:12 >> Great dress.
00:10:13 >> Yeah.
00:10:14 >> You don't think it's too much?
00:10:15 >> No, I'm going to get the job done.
00:10:16 >> No.
00:10:17 >> I was going to return it.
00:10:19 >> Oh, whoops, I'm sorry.
00:10:21 >> $450?
00:10:22 >> Yes.
00:10:23 >> See, that's what I'm talking about.
00:10:24 This dress is not me.
00:10:26 Sleeping with three guys is not me.
00:10:28 >> Okay, it is not you.
00:10:30 That's clear.
00:10:31 Now, is this how you want to have a kid?
00:10:33 No, but is this your only option?
00:10:34 Yes, okay, we did our part.
00:10:36 You got to do your part.
00:10:38 >> You promise that there's no way they can find me afterwards?
00:10:42 >> No, you just need to make sure that no one figures out what you're doing tonight,
00:10:45 because I will 100% throw you under the bus if Jeff finds out that I was part of the--
00:10:50 >> Hey.
00:10:51 >> Hey.
00:10:52 >> Oh, hey.
00:10:53 >> Honey.
00:10:54 >> Jack, good to see you again.
00:10:55 >> Yeah, you too.
00:10:56 Happy birthday.
00:10:57 It's a book.
00:10:58 >> Could have sworn it was a canoe.
00:11:00 [laughter]
00:11:02 >> It's signed to you.
00:11:04 >> Oh, wow, thank you.
00:11:05 >> Oh, and isn't it lent?
00:11:07 I mean, didn't you give up refined sugar last year?
00:11:09 I thought you did.
00:11:10 What are you giving up this year?
00:11:12 >> I'm just giving up.
00:11:14 >> Oh.
00:11:16 >> Okay.
00:11:17 >> Literally just turning 45.
00:11:18 >> I know.
00:11:19 What's up with that?
00:11:21 >> Dueling blue.
00:11:22 [music]
00:11:26 >> Oh, my gosh, yes, I would love to.
00:11:27 >> It would be my pleasure.
00:11:30 >> Is he okay?
00:11:32 >> He's fine.
00:11:33 None of the men in his family live past 88, so now he thinks he's on the down spiral.
00:11:40 >> I thought you said this was going to be a big shindig.
00:11:43 >> Yeah, well, it turns out Jeff doesn't have enough friends to make it a shindig.
00:11:48 >> Well, someone's going to notice.
00:11:51 >> Too late for that now, because donor number one is ready to hit.
00:11:56 >> So are you ready?
00:11:57 >> Well, my ovulation app says it's go time.
00:12:01 >> Go on in, sleaze the day.
00:12:03 [music]
00:12:12 >> Hi.
00:12:13 >> Oh.
00:12:17 Hi.
00:12:20 >> Hi.
00:12:21 >> I'm MJ.
00:12:22 Skullneck.
00:12:24 >> Did you know this was a birthday party?
00:12:26 >> Yeah, yeah, I did.
00:12:28 >> Okay.
00:12:29 I don't really know why I'm here.
00:12:31 I'm not even that good friends with Amadine, or at all, actually.
00:12:36 >> Well, you and I can be friends.
00:12:39 >> Wow, thank you.
00:12:42 >> Friends with benefits, if you want.
00:12:48 So, MJ, that's not short for Mary Jane, is it?
00:12:52 >> No, no, no.
00:12:54 I wish.
00:12:55 Actually, no, I don't wish that my name were Mary Jane.
00:12:58 >> No.
00:12:59 >> And my MJ is for Maurice Jerusalem.
00:13:02 Maurice is my mother's grandfather's name, and Jerusalem is the city where I was conceived.
00:13:07 >> Oh, that's nice.
00:13:08 >> I often say, well, thank goodness that I wasn't conceived in Frankfurt, because then I'd be quite an MF.
00:13:14 >> Uh-huh.
00:13:17 >> Hey, guys.
00:13:18 >> Hi.
00:13:19 >> Want some of this?
00:13:20 It's pretty good.
00:13:21 I'm taking an Uber later, and I like to do soundbite when I'm in a car with a stranger.
00:13:26 >> Oh.
00:13:27 >> Well, you have got to try this.
00:13:30 It's a Syrah.
00:13:31 >> Okay.
00:13:32 >> Give it a shot.
00:13:33 Tell me what you think.
00:13:35 >> Wow.
00:13:36 >> Not bad, right?
00:13:37 >> Yeah.
00:13:38 >> Almost makes up for the fact that they call it K-Syrah-Syrah.
00:13:42 My ex-wife was the regional sales manager for the estate.
00:13:46 She ran off with the Somali -- the Somali -- the fucking wine guy.
00:13:51 She ran off with the wine guy.
00:13:53 >> Ah, gotcha.
00:13:54 >> Yeah.
00:13:55 >> Should I spit it out?
00:13:56 >> Would you please?
00:13:57 You make me feel so good.
00:14:00 I'm Armin, by the way.
00:14:01 >> Hi.
00:14:02 >> You're Molly's friend, the one who works for Jennifer Aniston's charity, right?
00:14:06 >> Oh, I actually did the standee for you guys.
00:14:08 Yeah, my company.
00:14:09 Hey, my company works -- we actually make those cardboard standees that, you know, you can sit on a star's lap in a movie lobby.
00:14:15 >> Cool.
00:14:16 >> Yeah, so -- wait, so you know Amandine as well?
00:14:20 >> She's just a work friend.
00:14:22 I mean, you know, she wouldn't know where I live or anything like that.
00:14:26 And actually, I don't even work there anymore.
00:14:28 I'm moving away to another city far away.
00:14:32 >> Oh, wow.
00:14:33 So Jen is more horrible bosses unless Rachel in real life noted.
00:14:37 >> No, no, no, no.
00:14:38 She's great.
00:14:39 It's just I needed a challenge.
00:14:41 Wanted to mix things up a bit, so.
00:14:43 >> You know what, I think that is so healthy to shift gears.
00:14:46 Jeff and I, well, actually most of the guys here, we had a start-up, not like Amazon or anything, but once it got big enough, I got to sell it.
00:14:54 Now I can kind of do whatever I want.
00:14:55 Pretty cool.
00:14:56 >> Yeah, it's nice.
00:14:57 >> Yeah, yeah, it's really cool.
00:14:59 I actually put money into GameStop as well as -- I don't know, well, and I made $3,700.
00:15:04 >> Oh, wow.
00:15:05 >> Nice, buddy.
00:15:06 >> Yeah, thanks.
00:15:07 >> Pretty good.
00:15:08 >> So it's like same thing.
00:15:09 Right now I got a lot of free time, get to travel, which I love so much.
00:15:12 I was working so much before.
00:15:14 >> Right, I guess.
00:15:15 It takes a minute to do a start-up.
00:15:18 >> Oh, yeah.
00:15:19 I mean, all I did was code, code, code and pound energy drinks.
00:15:22 >> Wow.
00:15:23 >> That's why I'm trying to see as much of the world.
00:15:24 >> I'm so sorry.
00:15:25 It's just my mom broke her hip.
00:15:28 >> Oh, my God.
00:15:29 >> And I'm just dealing with my brother's -- we're trying to figure out if we should put her in her home.
00:15:34 >> Oh, let me know if you need any help.
00:15:36 >> Nope, done.
00:15:37 >> Oh, good.
00:15:38 >> So what were you saying?
00:15:39 >> About the travel.
00:15:40 I have a lot of time to do that.
00:15:43 >> She's going to bail.
00:15:45 >> Well, it sounded to me like you didn't want her to go through with it.
00:15:49 >> It's not true.
00:15:50 But do you know how hard it is to find a single man who is disease-free in the suburbs?
00:15:55 I just -- I don't want to disappoint them.
00:15:59 It's possible that I may have told them that I have a friend in need of a confidence boost.
00:16:06 >> You're more worried about your guy friends being happy than your best friend?
00:16:09 >> Okay, we'll call it a win-win situation.
00:16:12 I mean, what's wrong with having a plan B?
00:16:14 >> Oh, I've got a plan B.
00:16:15 I've got a plan C.
00:16:16 Because the plan is to get her the D.
00:16:19 >> What is it?
00:16:22 What is that?
00:16:23 >> It's Molly.
00:16:24 >> I don't know.
00:16:26 >> M-D-M-A.
00:16:27 >> I don't -- E.
00:16:29 >> I don't know what you're saying.
00:16:30 >> X.
00:16:31 >> X to C.
00:16:32 >> I know that one.
00:16:33 >> Yes.
00:16:34 >> It's enough to problem the pump.
00:16:36 >> Okay.
00:16:38 Oh, donor number three, the French teacher whose wife just died.
00:16:42 I'll give him that.
00:16:44 My friend getting pregnant tonight.
00:16:51 >> Talk me off, will you?
00:16:52 >> Oh, God.
00:16:53 I thought you were the carer.
00:16:55 I am so sorry.
00:16:57 >> Behind the table, cool outfit.
00:17:00 >> I can take it off.
00:17:02 >> Okay.
00:17:05 >> A little more.
00:17:06 A little more.
00:17:08 I like this one.
00:17:10 It's floral and complex and yeasty.
00:17:19 >> Like a vagina?
00:17:21 >> I get a slightly different note.
00:17:25 >> It's got a really good mouth feel.
00:17:27 I can --
00:17:35 >> Amadine.
00:17:37 >> That's a beautiful name.
00:17:39 >> Not my name.
00:17:40 I hate my name.
00:17:42 Tell you what, how about you give me your number and I'll call you whatever or whenever you want.
00:17:53 >> Balls.
00:17:57 >> Yo, Jim, can I grab you for two, buddy?
00:18:01 >> Hi.
00:18:02 >> Hey, what's up?
00:18:03 >> What's up?
00:18:05 >> What are you doing with my sister?
00:18:07 >> Is that a real question?
00:18:09 >> Right.
00:18:11 Right.
00:18:13 It's just that she's been through a really ugly divorce recently, so --
00:18:20 >> So you want me to sleep with your sister.
00:18:23 That's sweet of you.
00:18:25 >> No.
00:18:26 No.
00:18:27 No.
00:18:28 I'm just -- I'm more than -- you know, she's very -- she's not a lesbian.
00:18:34 >> Are you sure?
00:18:35 Because?
00:18:36 >> Yeah.
00:18:40 Would you mind not hitting on my sister at my birthday party, please?
00:18:44 >> I would mind.
00:18:46 But I won't.
00:18:48 >> I'm giving my present to you.
00:18:50 >> Wow, thank you so much.
00:18:51 >> Happy birthday.
00:18:52 >> Yeah.
00:18:53 I'll treasure it.
00:18:54 >> You should.
00:18:55 >> Have a great time.
00:18:56 >> You too.
00:18:57 >> Not too great.
00:19:06 >> Oh, shit.
00:19:07 Oh, shit.
00:19:08 Oh, shit.
00:19:09 >> There's just no -- you know what?
00:19:11 >> Every ten minutes I have to go.
00:19:13 >> Sweetheart, you can get lasers.
00:19:15 It will zip that right back up.
00:19:17 >> You just take a laser up there and they just tighten it all up?
00:19:20 >> It went from basset hound to chihuahua.
00:19:23 Worth every penny.
00:19:24 >> Wow.
00:19:25 >> You know it's true.
00:19:27 >> Okay.
00:19:28 >> You got kids?
00:19:30 >> No.
00:19:31 Husband.
00:19:32 >> Not anymore?
00:19:34 You should keep your distance.
00:19:36 You might get baby fever.
00:19:38 Not kidding.
00:19:39 Happened to me.
00:19:40 All my friends started having kids.
00:19:42 I thought I should have kids.
00:19:44 All these friends, they're going to be gone when she pops the baby out.
00:19:48 She'll make new friends.
00:19:50 The kids, friends, parents.
00:19:52 She'll think she has new interests.
00:19:54 But they're really the kids' interests.
00:19:57 And when the kids graduate, whoo, gonzo.
00:20:00 All these people that she invested all her time with, she'll realize she has nothing in common with them.
00:20:06 And then she'll realize that her husband is staying too late at work.
00:20:11 So she'll shoot her face full of botox, get a boob job.
00:20:15 >> Get a mommy makeover.
00:20:17 >> Exactly.
00:20:18 To chase what she used to look like before the kids literally sucked the life out of her.
00:20:24 Instead, she'll just look like she's trying too hard.
00:20:27 And he'll leave her for an actual 20-year-old.
00:20:29 >> Who loves giving blowjobs.
00:20:31 >> Fucking blowjobs.
00:20:35 >> All because she thought it'd make her life complete to have a baby.
00:20:38 >> Oh, no, no, no, no, that's got Molly's lipstick on it.
00:20:42 I think this is your shade.
00:20:44 >> Thanks, Judy.
00:20:45 >> You don't regret having babies, right?
00:20:48 >> Oh, no, god, no.
00:20:50 They're the loves of my life.
00:20:52 As much as I hate my ex, I'll always be grateful to him for giving me my babies.
00:20:57 >> Listen to me.
00:20:59 >> Don't listen to me.
00:21:00 I just need to get laid.
00:21:03 >> Okay.
00:21:04 Be careful what you wish for.
00:21:06 >> On that note, I think I'm ready.
00:21:11 >> All right, snorkel?
00:21:13 >> No, I never get into the ocean.
00:21:15 >> Oh, god, what do I say?
00:21:17 Tell them how wet your pussy is.
00:21:19 They love that.
00:21:20 I hate that word.
00:21:22 >> Pussy?
00:21:23 >> Yeah.
00:21:24 >> What do you say?
00:21:26 >> I don't.
00:21:28 >> So when you told Todd to, like, uh, uh.
00:21:31 >> We didn't talk, Judy.
00:21:34 >> Or before.
00:21:37 Or after.
00:21:39 >> Oh, god.
00:21:41 Okay, so tonight, you're going to say some nasty porn star shit.
00:21:46 Just get disgusting.
00:21:48 >> That's not me.
00:21:50 >> I know that's not you, but tonight, you're not you.
00:21:53 Okay, you're not the NPR loving, farmer's market going, avocado toast eating jackal.
00:21:58 You are going to be something different.
00:22:00 You are the only fan.
00:22:01 Like Jackalina.
00:22:02 You're going to be a slut tonight, okay?
00:22:04 >> Yeah, okay, okay.
00:22:05 You're a slut.
00:22:06 >> Well, I'm a slut.
00:22:08 >> I'm a slut.
00:22:10 >> Really?
00:22:11 >> Yeah.
00:22:12 >> You never been, uh, swimming?
00:22:13 >> Oh.
00:22:14 >> You like to surf?
00:22:16 >> Uh, no, I would never do surfing.
00:22:19 >> So you'd never, you just, you'd never do it?
00:22:22 >> No, I'm scared of sharks.
00:22:24 >> There's great white sharks that you should be scared of, but they're east coast, man.
00:22:27 >> Just.
00:22:29 >> All the west coast sharks.
00:22:30 >> I got you.
00:22:31 >> They're the least nice of sharks.
00:22:32 You gotta get, you gotta get out of here.
00:22:34 >> Jeff is over there.
00:22:36 >> Jeff?
00:22:37 >> I am so, yeah.
00:22:38 >> Excuse me, pal.
00:22:39 >> Okay.
00:22:40 >> Am I in trouble?
00:22:41 >> No.
00:22:42 >> Okay.
00:22:46 >> God, I need a drink.
00:22:48 >> Your glass is right there.
00:22:50 Just.
00:22:55 >> Oh, no, Molly.
00:22:56 Molly, that's Molly in there.
00:22:57 You drunk it all.
00:22:58 That's all of it.
00:23:00 >> It's in your body now.
00:23:08 >> Okay, wow.
00:23:10 >> That's just stuff.
00:23:11 >> Wow.
00:23:12 Wow.
00:23:13 >> Don't need those.
00:23:15 >> Right.
00:23:16 >> Yeah, so.
00:23:18 >> Wow.
00:23:19 Wow.
00:23:20 Wow.
00:23:21 That is, that is so tone.
00:23:24 >> Thank you.
00:23:25 >> You do Pilates?
00:23:27 >> I do, yeah.
00:23:28 >> I can tell, I can tell.
00:23:30 >> You can touch it if you want.
00:23:32 >> I would, I want.
00:23:34 >> Okay.
00:23:35 >> Okay.
00:23:36 You're sure that you want me to do this?
00:23:41 >> I think I couldn't be more clear.
00:23:44 Yeah, I do.
00:23:45 I do want you to do this.
00:23:47 >> Okay.
00:23:48 >> Yeah.
00:23:49 >> Okay, great.
00:23:50 I'll be over here.
00:23:51 >> Okay.
00:23:52 >> Wait, I don't have a condom or anything.
00:23:54 >> Oh, I.
00:23:55 >> I don't want to assume when I go out.
00:23:57 >> I just, I just.
00:23:58 >> Oh, do you have a medium?
00:23:59 Okay.
00:24:00 >> Here.
00:24:01 >> Oh, wow.
00:24:02 Wait, should we like set the mood?
00:24:03 I have, I have Spotify premium.
00:24:04 >> No, we don't need that.
00:24:05 >> No ads.
00:24:06 >> We don't need that.
00:24:07 >> I can put a slow jam playlist.
00:24:08 >> Okay, wait, wait, wait.
00:24:09 I've never done this before.
00:24:10 Well, no, I mean, I've had sex.
00:24:11 >> Yeah.
00:24:12 >> You know, but like.
00:24:13 >> Good, that's good.
00:24:14 >> Not like with people around, you know.
00:24:15 >> It's just us here.
00:24:16 >> Wait, wait, but that's not true.
00:24:17 That's not true.
00:24:18 Actually, when I was in college, my girlfriend and I, we went camping.
00:24:19 >> Oh, okay.
00:24:20 >> Consensual.
00:24:21 And, and, oh, and, wow.
00:24:22 And there was a, there was a tent next to us.
00:24:23 >> Mm-hmm.
00:24:24 >> And there were people having sex in there loudly.
00:24:25 >> This is some porn star nasty shit.
00:24:26 >> It's not like they're having such a good time.
00:24:27 >> I will murder.
00:24:28 >> They ruined our vibe.
00:24:29 >> Your pussy.
00:24:30 >> I want you to murder my pussy.
00:24:31 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:32 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:33 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:34 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:35 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:36 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:37 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:38 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:39 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:40 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:24:41 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:02 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:28 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:36 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:37 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:38 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:39 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:40 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:41 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:42 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:43 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:44 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:45 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:46 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:47 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:48 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:49 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:50 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:51 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:52 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:53 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:54 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:55 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:56 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:57 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:58 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:25:59 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:00 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:01 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:02 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:03 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:04 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:05 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:06 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:07 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:08 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:09 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:10 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:11 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:12 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:13 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:14 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:15 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:16 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:17 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:18 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:19 >> I'm not gonna do it.
00:26:21 >> How you feeling?
00:26:22 >> Oh my gosh, I feel great.
00:26:24 I love these people.
00:26:25 These are, these are good people.
00:26:28 >> Yeah.
00:26:29 >> Oh, I forgot.
00:26:30 The donor number three canceled.
00:26:32 Who are we gonna get to fill the empty slot?
00:26:35 >> Her empty slot?
00:26:36 Like a vagina.
00:26:37 >> That's good.
00:26:39 >> Like her vagina.
00:26:41 >> I know a guy.
00:26:42 >> You do?
00:26:43 >> But you need to sit down.
00:26:45 >> Oh my god, you are such a good friend.
00:26:47 You know, we should do things, you and me.
00:26:50 It doesn't always have to be the three of us.
00:26:53 >> Right.
00:26:54 >> Call me, girl.
00:26:55 >> And also, you're so pretty.
00:26:56 I never told you that before.
00:26:58 >> I would have, but I'm not going to.
00:27:00 >> But not.
00:27:01 >> I know I shouldn't.
00:27:02 I'm doing the work.
00:27:03 >> Good.
00:27:04 >> Good.
00:27:05 >> Do you want to touch my hair?
00:27:06 My hair is so soft.
00:27:08 I have a conditioner that costs $125.
00:27:12 >> That's a lot of money.
00:27:14 >> That is so dumb.
00:27:15 >> It's beautiful.
00:27:16 >> I'm going to call my guy, but you sit down.
00:27:19 >> Don't do a lot of things.
00:27:21 >> Okay.
00:27:22 >> I'll sit in my den.
00:27:23 I have a great chair in there.
00:27:25 >> Lay out.
00:27:26 >> Hi.
00:27:27 >> Where is the closest bathroom?
00:27:28 >> It's right over there.
00:27:29 >> Okay.
00:27:30 >> Whoa, your boobs got big.
00:27:31 Do they hurt yet?
00:27:32 >> They will.
00:27:33 When you start nursing.
00:27:34 >> Are you going to nurse?
00:27:35 I loved nursing so much.
00:27:37 Oh my gosh, but it does hurt when it chafes.
00:27:41 And I got mastitis so bad one time.
00:27:43 Jeff had to put hot compresses on my boobs and milk me like a cow.
00:27:48 >> This is so much information.
00:27:50 Are you okay?
00:27:51 >> Oh, no, they got better.
00:27:53 Thank you for asking, though.
00:27:55 >> So in the bathroom is there.
00:27:58 Thank you.
00:27:59 >> Remember, breastfeeding is best feeding.
00:28:03 >> Okay.
00:28:04 >> Hello?
00:28:13 >> I'm almost done.
00:28:14 I'm almost done.
00:28:15 >> Okay.
00:28:16 Well, pregnant lady needs to pee pee.
00:28:19 >> I have terrible bowel syndrome.
00:28:25 >> Okay.
00:28:27 I'll find another.
00:28:29 >> That was fun.
00:28:36 >> Yeah, that was fun.
00:28:39 >> Okay.
00:28:40 >> Oh, no.
00:28:41 Oh, no.
00:28:42 >> What?
00:28:43 >> The condom broke.
00:28:44 >> Oh, no.
00:28:46 >> Oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.
00:28:48 I don't know how this happened.
00:28:50 >> It's okay.
00:28:51 It's okay.
00:28:52 >> I'm so sorry.
00:28:53 I'm so sorry.
00:28:55 >> Oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.
00:28:59 I don't know how this happened.
00:29:01 >> Maybe you just -- you're too big.
00:29:04 >> That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
00:29:08 >> I'm on the pill.
00:29:10 So it was just, you know, these Vestiges.
00:29:13 >> Oh, don't worry about that.
00:29:15 I'm clean.
00:29:16 I give my blood to quest all the time.
00:29:18 They should give me a punch card.
00:29:20 >> What?
00:29:21 >> Oh, I have a blood disorder.
00:29:24 >> Like, are you a hemophiliac?
00:29:27 >> No, no.
00:29:28 I just bruise really easily.
00:29:30 Oh, look here.
00:29:31 See that?
00:29:32 >> Oh.
00:29:33 >> That's from a collision with a shopping cart.
00:29:36 >> Thank God.
00:29:37 Good for you.
00:29:39 >> It's pretty funny, actually.
00:29:41 Child Protective Services used to call my parents all the time.
00:29:44 >> Oh.
00:29:45 >> Yeah.
00:29:46 >> I'm going to go first, and then I'll come later just as it's done.
00:29:51 So conspicuous.
00:29:53 >> Okay.
00:29:54 >> Okay.
00:29:55 >> Okay.
00:29:56 [panting]
00:29:58 >> Look at me now.
00:29:59 >> Yeah.
00:30:00 >> Okay.
00:30:01 >> Okay.
00:30:02 >> Yeah.
00:30:03 [music]
00:30:19 >> Okay.
00:30:20 >> Getting a little help from gravity.
00:30:22 >> Listen, I totally appreciate you finding him a super great, but did you know he had
00:30:25 a blood disorder?
00:30:26 >> Okay, getting a full DNA workup was not on the checklist.
00:30:29 But on a related note, donor number three did cancel.
00:30:32 >> Oh, the French teacher?
00:30:33 >> Oui.
00:30:34 >> Crap, he sounded promising.
00:30:35 >> On an unrelated note, there might be a little itsy bitsy problem with Molly.
00:30:39 >> Oh, is she drunk?
00:30:41 >> Well, when --
00:30:42 >> Oh, she used to do this to me all the time in college.
00:30:44 >> I'd meet a guy I was really into, and then she'd get super hammered, and then I'd have
00:30:47 to walk her back to the dorm room.
00:30:49 >> That's probably it.
00:30:51 I'm going to go.
00:30:52 I'm going to see you out there.
00:30:54 >> Hey.
00:30:55 >> What?
00:30:56 >> Can you get me a snack?
00:30:57 >> No.
00:30:58 [laughter]
00:31:02 >> Get on up here, buddy.
00:31:04 Your turn.
00:31:05 Your turn.
00:31:06 You burn them.
00:31:07 >> Happy birthday, buddy.
00:31:08 >> Here we go.
00:31:09 >> All right.
00:31:10 This is my favorite.
00:31:12 We're in his garage.
00:31:13 We're working, about to make millions.
00:31:15 >> Ripes.
00:31:16 >> And what happens?
00:31:17 His septic tank breaks.
00:31:18 And so we are literally working in his shit.
00:31:21 And what did you say to me?
00:31:22 What did you say?
00:31:23 >> I couldn't smell it.
00:31:24 >> Couldn't smell it.
00:31:25 >> Yeah.
00:31:26 >> Couldn't smell his own shit.
00:31:27 >> I just thought you guys were trying to get out of working.
00:31:28 [laughter]
00:31:29 >> We were.
00:31:30 >> Well, shut up about it.
00:31:31 I destroyed that septic tank.
00:31:32 >> Tim!
00:31:33 Everybody, Tim is here.
00:31:34 Tim is here.
00:31:35 And all of the beautiful artwork that we have in our house, it's almost all him.
00:31:39 >> I love them.
00:31:40 I was going to ask.
00:31:41 I love the dog painting.
00:31:42 It's so fun.
00:31:43 >> Yeah.
00:31:44 I tried to buy it all.
00:31:45 >> You basically did, I mean.
00:31:46 >> Jackie.
00:31:47 It's Tim time.
00:31:48 It's Tim time.
00:31:49 Tim.
00:31:50 Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
00:31:51 Come on.
00:31:52 >> Tim time.
00:31:53 Tim time.
00:31:54 >> What's Tim time?
00:31:55 >> Honey, your gift is here.
00:31:56 >> And yours.
00:31:57 >> Here we are.
00:31:58 Yep.
00:31:59 Careful.
00:32:00 Careful.
00:32:01 It's still a little wet.
00:32:02 >> So she --
00:32:03 >> Excuse me.
00:32:04 Excuse me.
00:32:05 What?
00:32:06 Oh, my God.
00:32:07 Wow.
00:32:08 I mean --
00:32:09 >> Look at that.
00:32:10 >> Can I get a picture?
00:32:11 >> Yeah.
00:32:12 >> Oh, my God.
00:32:13 >> Wow.
00:32:14 >> I mean --
00:32:17 >> Thank you.
00:32:18 Thank you.
00:32:19 >> All right.
00:32:20 >> Wow.
00:32:21 >> Wow.
00:32:22 >> All right.
00:32:23 She just loves art, you know.
00:32:24 >> Yeah.
00:32:25 >> Tim, I mean, this is phenomenal.
00:32:26 Really phenomenal.
00:32:27 How did you get the --
00:32:28 >> Well, for your face, I actually used one of your --
00:32:29 >> Oh, my God.
00:32:30 >> I actually used one of your --
00:32:31 >> You used it?
00:32:32 >> Yeah.
00:32:33 >> Oh, my God.
00:32:34 >> I mean, I just --
00:32:35 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:36 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:37 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:38 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:39 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:40 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:41 >> I'm so proud of you.
00:32:42 >> For your face, I actually used one of your old wedding photos.
00:32:45 I had to age it up just a little bit, just a little bit.
00:32:48 >> Okay.
00:32:49 >> And then for your body, I used -- I used that guy.
00:32:53 >> How you doing?
00:32:55 >> Oh, man.
00:32:56 >> Oh, man.
00:32:57 >> He's pretty proud of himself.
00:32:59 >> He's so good.
00:33:01 Oh, so talented.
00:33:02 He does baby portraits, too.
00:33:04 You have to do ours.
00:33:06 >> Okay.
00:33:07 Okay.
00:33:08 Thank you.
00:33:09 Thank you.
00:33:10 Thank you.
00:33:11 >> Yes!
00:33:12 >> So you must really love dogs.
00:33:17 >> Um, actually, I'm allergic.
00:33:20 >> Oh.
00:33:21 >> You know, people just send me pictures of their dogs, and then I paint them.
00:33:25 >> But you must like them a little bit, right?
00:33:28 >> I don't.
00:33:29 I can't stand them.
00:33:30 They slobber, they crap on the floor, they eat your shoes.
00:33:34 But people love dogs, so easy money.
00:33:38 >> I don't understand what's going on.
00:33:40 >> We were just very friendly.
00:33:42 And who the hell is this guy?
00:33:45 Yeah, so what, he's got a handsome face and perfect hair and considerable talent and --
00:33:49 >> Oh, God.
00:33:50 >> Okay.
00:33:51 All right.
00:33:52 You know who would make a good impression?
00:33:55 A Jeff Goldblum standee.
00:33:57 She loves him.
00:33:59 And you would be like her hero.
00:34:01 >> Yeah, but right now all I have is some of the Dodgers and an old Batman.
00:34:06 >> To the Batmobile, then.
00:34:09 >> I'll be back.
00:34:11 >> That was the Terminator.
00:34:13 Oh, my God, I'm losing it, Amadino.
00:34:14 I'm losing it.
00:34:15 Fine.
00:34:16 Go find it.
00:34:17 Okay.
00:34:18 I'm coming right back.
00:34:19 >> Okay, so what about babies?
00:34:21 >> Um, can't stand babies.
00:34:24 I'm sorry.
00:34:25 I can't stand them.
00:34:26 Babies are -- babies are stupid.
00:34:28 >> I mean, you ever try to have a conversation with a baby?
00:34:31 It's remarkably one-sided.
00:34:32 >> Well, they're babies.
00:34:33 >> Yeah.
00:34:34 >> So they can't even talk.
00:34:35 >> Because babies are stupid.
00:34:37 >> So you don't like babies or dogs?
00:34:39 >> Or surfing.
00:34:40 I hate surfing.
00:34:41 >> Well, how do you make art about something you don't even like?
00:34:44 >> That's why they call us starving artists.
00:34:46 Speaking of which, there's the food.
00:34:48 Excuse me.
00:34:50 >> Okay, look, we got a problem.
00:34:52 MJ got feelings.
00:34:53 >> What do you mean feelings?
00:34:55 >> He's got feelings.
00:34:56 You need to bounce before he gets back, okay?
00:34:58 >> Well, I'm thinking of bouncing right now.
00:35:00 >> Absolutely not.
00:35:01 No.
00:35:02 One D down, two more Ds to go.
00:35:04 >> I can't do this.
00:35:05 >> Yes, you can.
00:35:06 The goal is to be awesome.
00:35:08 >> Mom.
00:35:09 >> Hold now, mom later.
00:35:11 There's a through line.
00:35:13 >> Okay.
00:35:14 >> You're good.
00:35:15 Thanks.
00:35:16 >> Wow.
00:35:17 You weren't kidding about this starving artist.
00:35:20 >> Pavlovian.
00:35:21 All these art openings always have amazing spreads, and if I keep my mouth filled with food, people
00:35:26 think they're rude if they come up to me and ask me, "What were you trying to say with this
00:35:31 piece?"
00:35:32 >> Just give you the money and leave you alone, right?
00:35:34 >> You want to be my agent?
00:35:36 >> Ha, ha.
00:35:37 >> Well, there we go, yeah.
00:35:40 I'm sure she's perfectly nice, but I get hit on by that type all the time.
00:35:48 What's your type?
00:35:50 >> Oh, unbearable, self-involved assholes.
00:35:53 No one eat?
00:35:54 >> Okay.
00:35:55 You're right.
00:35:56 I should apologize to her.
00:35:57 I'm sorry I'm a little salty.
00:35:59 My ex recently got in touch with me and called me a sellout because I painted a mural for
00:36:05 YouTube.
00:36:06 One mural, okay?
00:36:08 Diego Rivera did his best work.
00:36:10 Four Rockefeller commissioned murals.
00:36:12 The Sistine Chapel was a commissioned mural.
00:36:15 Commerce and art, corporate art.
00:36:17 What's the big deal now?
00:36:18 Now my ex is going out with some 50-year-old.
00:36:21 He's 50.
00:36:22 He designs food courts at malls, okay?
00:36:24 I'm a sellout.
00:36:25 >> Oh, fuck off.
00:36:26 >> I'm sorry.
00:36:27 I haven't had the pleasure.
00:36:29 >> And you're not going to.
00:36:31 All the men here have younger wives.
00:36:33 Look, our host, your patrons, seven years apart.
00:36:37 >> Oh, he looks old.
00:36:38 He has no hair.
00:36:39 >> Prego and deer in the headlights, more like ten years.
00:36:42 Silver fox and Kim Kardashian and especially surf and turf.
00:36:46 What do you think that is?
00:36:49 >> Uh, all women are gold diggers?
00:36:53 >> Supply and demand.
00:36:55 There's not much demand for aging, aimless artistes.
00:37:00 >> Did you two have fun?
00:37:04 >> I think I'm in love.
00:37:06 >> You look kind of cute when you get your ass handed to you.
00:37:09 >> Thank you.
00:37:10 >> Yeah.
00:37:11 >> Hey, Tim, I love it.
00:37:13 Thank you so much.
00:37:14 Again.
00:37:15 Although I'm going to have to hide it in my office so Molly doesn't get sad every time I take my shirt off.
00:37:20 >> Thank you.
00:37:21 I was trying to convey that feeling of freedom.
00:37:23 >> Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:37:26 Sounds like somebody surfs.
00:37:28 >> Not as much as I'd like to.
00:37:29 >> Heard that, my man.
00:37:30 >> Yeah, when I'm out there, man.
00:37:32 >> You talk too much.
00:37:34 Stop talking.
00:37:35 >> Really, Sandy?
00:37:37 >> Tim, you have to show Jacqueline all of your art.
00:37:41 We have so many of his pieces.
00:37:43 >> We have a lot.
00:37:44 They're basically my Borgias.
00:37:46 >> You're so funny.
00:37:48 He's so funny.
00:37:49 And good looking, huh?
00:37:51 >> Sure.
00:37:52 >> Yeah.
00:37:53 >> Why don't you go on the gallery walk upstairs?
00:37:56 >> I thought nobody was allowed upstairs.
00:37:58 >> No, special people are allowed upstairs.
00:38:00 >> Go, go, go, go.
00:38:02 >> Got it.
00:38:03 >> Scooch your booties.
00:38:04 >> Show you upstairs.
00:38:05 >> Okay.
00:38:08 >> What?
00:38:09 >> You what?
00:38:11 >> What?
00:38:12 >> I do.
00:38:13 You don't.
00:38:14 I do.
00:38:16 >> Do you want to go have a glass of water?
00:38:19 >> There's a dog, another dog.
00:38:23 Dog, dog, baby, baby, baby, baby.
00:38:28 There's a good one this way.
00:38:36 And a lifestyle.
00:38:39 >> That's Molly.
00:38:41 >> I'm not a libber, needless to say.
00:38:47 >> Well, I -- it's lovely, you know, the use of your brush
00:38:54 strokes and colors.
00:38:56 >> Please, please, please, please, stop.
00:38:58 Can we please not talk about my work?
00:39:01 >> Okay.
00:39:03 Let's talk about you.
00:39:06 >> That sounds even worse.
00:39:08 How about we talk about you?
00:39:11 >> How about we don't talk?
00:39:15 >> Okay.
00:39:17 Yes.
00:39:18 Yeah.
00:39:19 I love this.
00:39:20 I love this.
00:39:21 I love you.
00:39:22 Stop, stop.
00:39:23 I love this.
00:39:24 I love all of your features.
00:39:26 All of it.
00:39:27 When you speak, you speak with so much expression.
00:39:30 This here, this.
00:39:32 I want to paint you.
00:39:34 >> Okay.
00:39:35 >> Okay.
00:39:36 Oh, yeah.
00:39:38 It's so refreshing to be with an older woman.
00:39:42 Let's pass all this baby bullshit, you know?
00:39:45 None of these fucking gold diggers.
00:39:47 I only want to be with older women who are postmenopausal.
00:39:51 >> How old do you think I am?
00:39:54 >> I wasn't talking about you.
00:39:57 >> Oh.
00:39:59 >> Oh.
00:40:01 Yes.
00:40:03 You have a bush.
00:40:07 You have actual pubic hair.
00:40:09 You have actual pubic hair!
00:40:11 I've been working with these life study models, and they're
00:40:15 all completely shaved.
00:40:16 They look like Barbie dolls.
00:40:18 It's perverse.
00:40:19 They look like little girls.
00:40:21 Who wants to make love with little girls?
00:40:24 >> Hopefully nobody.
00:40:25 >> Exactly.
00:40:26 All these women mutilating their bodies to live up to some
00:40:30 imagined standard that the patriarchy has set for them.
00:40:33 Why do all women have to be perfect little sea cubs and be
00:40:37 completely shaved?
00:40:38 You know, they don't.
00:40:39 Let it grow.
00:40:40 Let it go wild.
00:40:42 Let it go on teeth.
00:40:44 Get in my mouth, wild, long, flimsy hairs.
00:40:47 >> Or maybe just -- I mean, I think I prefer just a little
00:40:50 trimmed.
00:40:51 >> No, you're wrong.
00:40:52 Let it go.
00:40:53 Live in your skin.
00:40:55 All the years that you've lived.
00:40:57 All of that hair.
00:40:59 All of your blemishes.
00:41:01 All of these sun spots, these liver spots.
00:41:04 All of them.
00:41:05 All of these age spots.
00:41:07 All of these herpes scars here.
00:41:09 All of these wrinkles, wrinkles, wrinkles, wrinkles, wrinkles,
00:41:12 wrinkles, wrinkles.
00:41:13 It's your imperfections that make you perfect.
00:41:17 >> Nope.
00:41:18 Can't do it.
00:41:19 >> What do you want me to say here?
00:41:22 >> Honestly, nothing.
00:41:24 Because everything that comes out of your mouth is just
00:41:28 -- is drying me up.
00:41:31 >> I'm trying to compliment you here.
00:41:33 >> And that's what you landed on?
00:41:35 >> I'm not trying to be a dick.
00:41:37 >> Well, then, it must just come naturally.
00:41:41 >> Hey.
00:41:42 Hey.
00:41:43 I was trying to do you a solid.
00:41:46 >> A what?
00:41:47 >> Molly told me that you needed to fuck the pain away, and so
00:41:50 do I.
00:41:51 We're the same.
00:41:52 You said it.
00:41:53 I think the best idea is for us to go to the dentist.
00:41:57 >> The best idea is for us to let our bodies do the talking.
00:42:02 >> Ow.
00:42:03 >> I think the best idea is for you to never, ever touch me
00:42:06 again.
00:42:07 >> My painting hand.
00:42:13 >> There she is.
00:42:14 There she is.
00:42:15 >> How was it?
00:42:16 >> I want the deets.
00:42:18 I want the dirty, dirty deets.
00:42:20 >> That was fair.
00:42:21 >> That didn't happen.
00:42:23 >> No.
00:42:24 Why didn't you do Tim?
00:42:25 >> Maybe I would have if he didn't treat me like a pity
00:42:28 fuck.
00:42:29 You were supposed to find me nice guys so I could have nice
00:42:32 babies.
00:42:33 >> But also cute and artistic and funny and smart.
00:42:36 >> And?
00:42:37 >> I have a fortified A-bad.
00:42:39 >> You're going to love my guy.
00:42:41 >> I don't know.
00:42:42 I think I'm good, you guys.
00:42:44 >> No, you're not good.
00:42:45 I know you don't want to roll the dice with mj.
00:42:48 >> It's just one person.
00:42:49 >> And it's mj.
00:42:51 >> Okay.
00:42:52 Fine.
00:42:53 >> But he has got to go.
00:42:55 >> No.
00:42:56 I can't kick out Tim.
00:42:58 >> Yes, you can.
00:42:59 It's your house.
00:43:00 >> But do I have to?
00:43:02 >> Yes, you do.
00:43:03 >> Okay.
00:43:04 >> Sisters before misters.
00:43:05 >> That's easy for you to say.
00:43:07 >> I'm a mister.
00:43:08 >> She's right.
00:43:09 >> Thank you.
00:43:10 >> Sisters before misters.
00:43:11 That's what we always say.
00:43:12 >> We do.
00:43:13 >> Oh, but poor Tim.
00:43:14 >> Poor Tim?
00:43:15 >> Poor tiny Tim.
00:43:16 Wait.
00:43:17 Is he tiny?
00:43:18 Or is he a bit grossy little?
00:43:20 I don't want to know.
00:43:21 I don't want to know, but I do want to know.
00:43:23 But I don't want to know, but I do.
00:43:25 And it's killing me.
00:43:26 It's tearing me apart.
00:43:28 >> Stress is the future, right?
00:43:30 Choking the present.
00:43:32 >> Okay.
00:43:33 >> What you guys all need is more time on the ocean.
00:43:36 >> Wow.
00:43:37 >> Yes.
00:43:38 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:43:39 Thank you.
00:43:40 >> Totally projecting.
00:43:41 >> I heard it didn't go well.
00:43:47 So you should probably leave.
00:43:49 So it's not weird.
00:43:51 Because I don't want it to be weird and for death.
00:43:54 >> I should leave.
00:43:55 No, no, no.
00:43:56 I'm friends with both of you.
00:43:57 She's the one who should leave.
00:43:58 She should leave.
00:43:59 >> That's not going to happen, Tim.
00:44:00 But it's okay.
00:44:01 It's okay that you go.
00:44:02 Because you know what?
00:44:03 We love you.
00:44:04 And you know what?
00:44:05 So it's okay.
00:44:06 You should go.
00:44:07 >> No, no, no.
00:44:08 Maybe I don't want to go.
00:44:09 >> What is that?
00:44:10 That was so much fun.
00:44:11 Oh, my gosh.
00:44:12 Do it again.
00:44:13 >> No, no, no.
00:44:14 Okay.
00:44:15 Just one little thing.
00:44:16 >> Okay.
00:44:17 >> Okay.
00:44:18 Just one little thing.
00:44:19 >> Oh, see, dad?
00:44:20 >> Hold on a second.
00:44:21 Jacqueline?
00:44:22 >> Nope.
00:44:23 >> On land you guys are CEOs.
00:44:24 But out there on the ocean, I'm chairman of my board.
00:44:27 >> Oh, nice.
00:44:28 That's kind of cool.
00:44:29 Yeah.
00:44:30 >> Yeah.
00:44:31 Nice shirt.
00:44:32 >> Hey, what about you?
00:44:33 Got anything on your horizon to actually have my radar on?
00:44:38 >> Jeff?
00:44:39 >> Huh?
00:44:40 Oh, no, no.
00:44:41 Nothing special.
00:44:42 You know, just a bunch of stupid pictures.
00:44:44 You know, it's like Uber for kitty cats.
00:44:47 It's like door dash for my ass.
00:44:50 I don't know.
00:44:57 >> Oh.
00:44:58 I'm sorry.
00:44:59 >> No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:45:00 Please, please, please, please, please, please.
00:45:02 >> Don't go.
00:45:03 Please don't go.
00:45:04 Just buying myself another hour of smiling stupidly.
00:45:07 You want a hit?
00:45:09 >> No, I'm good.
00:45:10 Thanks.
00:45:11 You hook up with the asshole -- I mean, artist?
00:45:15 >> No, I didn't.
00:45:17 >> I'm not judging.
00:45:18 >> No, seriously, I didn't.
00:45:20 What about the guy with the glasses?
00:45:22 Was it that obvious?
00:45:24 >> I didn't see anything.
00:45:26 >> You're, um, you're with the surfer guy.
00:45:30 >> Yep.
00:45:31 But I'm pretty much here alone.
00:45:34 The second we get around his friends, it's like I don't even exist.
00:45:37 I thought an older guy would be past all that bullshit.
00:45:40 >> That's when they summit Mount Bullshit.
00:45:42 >> I know.
00:45:43 >> Yeah.
00:45:44 >> Right?
00:45:45 >> Yeah.
00:45:46 >> But it's so different for us.
00:45:48 Like, I want to have kids.
00:45:50 It's like we're in our 20s.
00:45:52 >> I mean, I'm probably a scout trooper than you.
00:45:56 >> I know this is going to sound crazy, but I work with horses, and we start breeding our mares when they're 5,
00:46:03 and we put them out to pasture when they're 15, which is -- which is what in human years?
00:46:08 >> 35.
00:46:09 >> I'm 31.
00:46:11 >> I mean, if he's not serious, am I going to have to get started on another guy?
00:46:15 God.
00:46:18 >> You know what?
00:46:20 Fuck it.
00:46:21 Fuck it.
00:46:23 We wait for everything in our lives.
00:46:25 We have to wait for them to ask us to prom.
00:46:27 We wait for them to ask us to marry them.
00:46:30 We have to wait until they're ready to have kids.
00:46:32 Well, I am done waiting.
00:46:34 I am done waiting for permission to live my fucking life.
00:46:38 >> Yeah.
00:46:39 >> You know what?
00:46:40 Fuck him.
00:46:41 >> Yeah.
00:46:42 >> Fuck his party.
00:46:43 I'm out of here.
00:46:44 >> Hi, is this on?
00:46:45 Hey, hello.
00:46:46 >> Hello.
00:46:47 >> Oh, hi.
00:46:48 Is it your birthday?
00:46:51 >> Yeah.
00:46:52 >> Ah, happy birthday.
00:46:54 >> Wow.
00:46:55 >> Okay.
00:46:56 >> Why don't you bozos get me a stripper?
00:46:59 >> Come on, Jeff, you know I'm not babo.
00:47:01 >> Holy shit, that is the shirtless chef.
00:47:03 >> Wait, wait, who's that?
00:47:04 >> Um, who is that?
00:47:06 >> He does online cooking videos.
00:47:08 Shirtless.
00:47:09 >> Oh.
00:47:10 >> As in zero shirt.
00:47:12 >> Smash subscribe.
00:47:13 >> Yeah.
00:47:14 >> You're welcome.
00:47:17 >> You wouldn't have to be Jacqueline, would you?
00:47:20 >> I would.
00:47:21 >> Ah, it's a pleasure to meet you.
00:47:24 >> Pleasure is all mine.
00:47:27 >> Ah, Amandine told me some fascinating little tidbits about you.
00:47:33 >> Oh.
00:47:34 >> It's hot in here.
00:47:37 I don't know why I'm wearing this anymore.
00:47:40 Ah, a little radish.
00:47:42 Ah.
00:47:43 Hey, um, can I steal a -- can I steal a Jacqueline for a second?
00:47:49 >> No.
00:47:50 >> Just take a minute.
00:47:52 >> No, I don't -- Jeff, I --
00:47:55 >> Ah.
00:47:57 >> Why did you quit working for Jen Aniston?
00:48:00 >> Um, yeah, I mean, it's not totally confirmed yet, but yeah.
00:48:05 >> Okay, well, do you have anything lined up?
00:48:08 >> Ah, not yet, just kind of going around, trying to figure out where I want to land.
00:48:13 >> Uh-huh, well, that's perfect, because I have a friend who just started a nonprofit that supports educational programs for girls in third world countries.
00:48:22 I know.
00:48:23 >> That's great.
00:48:24 Well, listen, why don't you give them my contact, and I --
00:48:26 >> Okay, Mira.
00:48:27 >> Oh.
00:48:28 >> Yeah.
00:48:29 >> Hi.
00:48:30 >> Hey, I want you to meet somebody.
00:48:31 >> Okay.
00:48:32 >> This is Jacqueline McGinley.
00:48:33 >> Hi.
00:48:34 >> She just announced her position as director of Jen Aniston's foundation.
00:48:38 >> What?
00:48:40 >> Now you guys talk.
00:48:43 >> Jen Aniston.
00:48:45 >> Yeah.
00:48:46 >> You know I'm a huge fan.
00:48:47 I was just at her benefit at the Getty last month.
00:48:49 >> Wow.
00:48:50 >> Did you do that?
00:48:51 >> I did, yeah.
00:48:52 >> You did.
00:48:53 Oh, my goodness.
00:48:54 This is fate.
00:48:55 >> Yes, yes.
00:48:56 >> This is fate, because I'll tell you, I was at the grocery store yesterday, and I was checking out the tabloids.
00:49:01 And I usually check out the tabloids, but I just happened to see Jen, and they were talking about how she's childless, and I went home to Khalil, and I told him, why doesn't she just adopt, you know?
00:49:11 And then I meet you here tonight.
00:49:13 >> Yeah.
00:49:14 >> So why doesn't she adopt?
00:49:16 >> Oh, I don't -- we don't really talk about that.
00:49:19 >> Well, would you?
00:49:21 Would you?
00:49:22 Because adoption is just such a blessing.
00:49:24 >> Yeah.
00:49:25 I mean, we adopted four out of my six.
00:49:27 One from Mozambique, one from Peru, one from Russia, and one from China.
00:49:31 >> All you need is Australia, and you got a little continental set.
00:49:34 >> Oh, my God, you're funny.
00:49:36 >> She's very funny.
00:49:39 >> Girl, are you hungry?
00:49:41 We got some more cheese.
00:49:42 >> Oh, you know I'm lactose intolerant, so.
00:49:45 >> I bet you are.
00:49:46 >> Yeah, I can tell.
00:49:47 So -- but I was saying is that, you know, motherhood is just a blessing, no matter how you do it.
00:49:54 >> Can I ask you something?
00:49:56 >> Not the first time someone's asked me that.
00:49:58 Let me just be completely honest.
00:50:01 With my first two, I thought that, you know, I don't know if I could love another the way I did them.
00:50:07 But then when I saw Donya's face, I just -- I knew she was my child.
00:50:12 >> I don't know.
00:50:13 >> Love is not really a zero-sum game, you know?
00:50:16 >> Wow, that is so sweet.
00:50:19 I want to kill myself.
00:50:21 >> Oh, my God.
00:50:23 >> I must hurry now.
00:50:26 This way.
00:50:28 Must go faster.
00:50:30 Must go faster.
00:50:38 Sorry, I thought the situation called for a bit of a diversion.
00:50:43 >> Yeah, thank you.
00:50:44 >> Of course.
00:50:45 So you work in the not-for-profit space.
00:50:49 I admire that.
00:50:51 Very satisfying.
00:50:54 >> Are you doing that on purpose?
00:50:56 >> I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure what you mean.
00:50:59 >> The talking like Jeff Goldblum thing.
00:51:03 >> Ah, well, I certainly hope I can measure up.
00:51:08 >> Oh, I think you're even better than the real thing, truly.
00:51:14 So you're an actor.
00:51:16 >> Do you have a thing against actors?
00:51:18 >> No, no, no, no.
00:51:20 I think that's great, you know?
00:51:23 You're sensitive and artistic.
00:51:27 Is that why you're so bustling?
00:51:32 >> Oh, this is my instrument.
00:51:35 >> And it is a Stradivarius.
00:51:43 A Stradivarius.
00:51:44 >> I know.
00:51:45 The kind of guitar Jimi Hendrix played.
00:51:50 >> So what have I seen you in?
00:51:53 >> Well, I got cast in an episode of "Flash," but I wore a mask, so you can't really tell it was me.
00:51:58 >> I bet you were great.
00:52:00 >> The fight choreographer thought so, yeah.
00:52:03 I mean, it's not really easy being a Latino actor.
00:52:05 The Goldblum thing helps out.
00:52:07 I get to go out for hot nerdy types now.
00:52:09 >> I like hot nerdy types.
00:52:11 >> Then he's better than type cast as a gangbanger.
00:52:15 >> You know what would be a dream role?
00:52:17 Playing Goldblum's kid, like in a "Jurassic" sequel or a Wes Anderson movie.
00:52:21 Like the son he never knew.
00:52:23 I can play against type.
00:52:25 I can play someone stupid.
00:52:27 >> I want you to fuck me stupid.
00:52:29 >> Wait, you mean like I want to fuck you comma stupid?
00:52:33 Like you think I'm dumb?
00:52:35 >> I want you to fuck my brains out.
00:52:37 [music]
00:52:55 >> Which brings me to WFTs, right?
00:52:58 Weed Fungible Tokens.
00:53:00 Kind of like an NFT that you can smoke.
00:53:03 But it's also on the blockchain.
00:53:05 Every ounce of weed you buy or every pre-roll you buy --
00:53:09 >> Okay.
00:53:10 >> It's cool, it's cool.
00:53:12 Some people aren't into weed.
00:53:13 It's totally cool.
00:53:14 >> Yeah.
00:53:15 >> So it is a weed product.
00:53:16 >> You get it from the -- it's data.
00:53:18 >> You do order it on data.
00:53:20 >> I'm sorry.
00:53:21 I'll be right back.
00:53:22 >> Absolutely cool.
00:53:24 >> Hey, dodo bird.
00:53:26 What the heck are you doing here?
00:53:28 >> Mr. Blunt and I need --
00:53:30 >> Oh, rats!
00:53:33 >> Well, where's Nana?
00:53:35 >> She's in the car waiting.
00:53:37 >> Oh, is she?
00:53:38 Oh, yeah.
00:53:39 There she is.
00:53:40 [honking]
00:53:41 >> Hey.
00:53:42 You know, it's my birthday, right?
00:53:45 And I get whatever I want on my birthday.
00:53:47 That's the rule.
00:53:49 So what I want is for you to get in there and eat all of your leftover Easter candy.
00:53:57 Every single thing.
00:53:59 Get in there!
00:54:00 Gobble it up!
00:54:02 >> You're going to have a good
00:54:04 night.
00:54:05 Yeah, bitch.
00:54:06 >> Hey, Sophie.
00:54:07 Hey, girl.
00:54:08 What are you doing here?
00:54:10 >> Hi, string bean.
00:54:12 >> Hi.
00:54:13 You're supposed to be at your
00:54:14 grandma's house.
00:54:15 >> I forgot, mommy.
00:54:16 >> Okay.
00:54:17 All right.
00:54:18 Go on up and get it.
00:54:19 >> Maybe not.
00:54:20 Because when I will be awake past my bedtime, I will turn into a zombie chicken over thing.
00:54:27 So maybe your mommy should go up.
00:54:29 >> No, she can't go up there.
00:54:31 - I'm not gonna tell her. - No, she's okay.
00:54:34 [sighs]
00:54:36 Oh. Okay.
00:54:38 Alright, Mommy will be right back.
00:54:40 - Okay, love you so much. - Okay.
00:54:43 [phone beeping]
00:54:45 - How was your night? - Good.
00:54:47 - Yeah. - [groaning]
00:54:50 [alarm beeping]
00:54:52 [groaning]
00:54:55 [alarm continues beeping]
00:54:57 - Oh, God. - Can't hold you?
00:54:59 - [groaning] - Ow, geez.
00:55:03 [groaning]
00:55:06 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
00:55:08 - Shh. You're not even here. - [groaning]
00:55:11 [groaning]
00:55:13 Oh. Oh.
00:55:15 I'm sorry, but it sounded like you had a really good moment.
00:55:18 - Oh, my God, Haley, get out. - Oh, my God.
00:55:20 Come on. I mean, it's not like you haven't heard me at sex lots of times.
00:55:25 We were roommates in college, and I used to have sex all the time.
00:55:28 - In the bedroom. - Okay, okay.
00:55:30 - 'Cause she was sleeping. - I wasn't sleeping.
00:55:32 Oh, see? So that's okay.
00:55:34 Okay, okay. Hang on. I'm not even here.
00:55:37 No, you guys, take your time, okay? I just needed this.
00:55:40 - Right? - Look, I can't even see you.
00:55:43 Okay. Strip the bed when you're done.
00:55:47 - Shh. - [laughing]
00:55:49 - Oh. - Yeah.
00:55:51 - Is that good for you? - Oh, my God, yeah.
00:55:54 I mean, other than the last ten seconds,
00:55:57 that was-- that was the best sex I've ever had.
00:56:00 - Like, ever. - Thank you.
00:56:03 Look, I know I'm not the real Goldblum,
00:56:06 but I really hope my major wish come true.
00:56:09 You have no idea.
00:56:12 This is so unfair.
00:56:17 You're hella smart, you do charity work,
00:56:20 and you are smoking hot,
00:56:23 especially for someone with stage four lymphoma.
00:56:26 - What? - It's okay.
00:56:28 Amandine told me, and honestly, thank you.
00:56:32 As an actor, I don't have a ton of money,
00:56:35 and I can't give nearly as much as I'd like to charity.
00:56:39 I always thought of the Goldblum thing as, like, a gimmick for parties,
00:56:42 but knowing that my skills could bring you joy in the end...
00:56:47 - Yeah. - Oh, I just-- I'm deeply honored.
00:56:50 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
00:56:54 I hate to sound petty with everything that you're going through,
00:56:58 but you don't have any STDs, do you?
00:57:01 No, no.
00:57:03 Oh, normally I would use a condom,
00:57:05 but seeing as how you're a Mormon and only have a week left to live,
00:57:08 I thought I could take the risk.
00:57:11 Are you strong enough to get up on your own?
00:57:13 - Do you need help? - I think I got it, thank you.
00:57:17 I'm just gonna take a minute.
00:57:20 - You rest. - Okay.
00:57:23 ( indistinct chatter )
00:57:28 Now I hate surfing.
00:57:31 ( doorbell rings )
00:57:33 Oh, boy.
00:57:35 - Hi! - Hi! Happy birthday!
00:57:41 - Thank you. - Thank you for having me.
00:57:43 - Thank you. - Thank you.
00:57:46 - Is, um-- is Armin here tonight? - Armin, are you kidding me?
00:57:49 Armin here, yeah, yeah, of course.
00:57:51 - And he's, you know, had a couple. - Okay.
00:57:53 - Should I go, or-- - Uh, no!
00:57:55 No, no, no, of course not. No, you--
00:57:57 God, you drove all the way here. I mean, please, make yourself at home.
00:58:00 Have something to eat, have a drink. It's so good to see you.
00:58:02 - Oh, my goodness, you too. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:04 - Happy birthday. - All right.
00:58:05 - We'll talk. - All right.
00:58:07 - Dude, is that-- - Hey!
00:58:09 - I'm so sorry! - I know. I'm not hurt.
00:58:11 - I know, I know. - No.
00:58:13 Molly mentioned it. I couldn't uninvite her.
00:58:15 - Do you want me to ask her to go? - No, no.
00:58:17 That makes me look like I can't handle it,
00:58:19 and, you know, that's how the terrorists win, so no.
00:58:21 Right.
00:58:23 - Do you believe how fat she got? - Hey.
00:58:25 - Yikes. - Oh, buddy, that's not fat.
00:58:28 - She's fucking pregnant? - Yeah, I'm so sorry.
00:58:32 I didn't know how to tell you that.
00:58:34 - No, it's fine. It's fine. - I'm crying.
00:58:36 You know what? I'm gonna go say hi.
00:58:38 No, don't say hi!
00:58:40 Why would you say hi?
00:58:42 Don't say hi.
00:58:44 - Key goals are key. - Oh, yes.
00:58:46 - Just keep doing them. - Joyce! Hey.
00:58:49 Fancy seeing you here.
00:58:51 - Yeah. - Well, they're my friends, too.
00:58:53 Yeah. Because of me.
00:58:55 Are we really gonna do this? At your best friend's party?
00:58:58 See? You said it. My best friend.
00:59:00 So...
00:59:02 - Do you want me to leave? - Oh.
00:59:04 Now you care about what I want. Hmm.
00:59:07 No, you know what? I'm sorry.
00:59:09 It's fine. We're grown-ups,
00:59:11 and, um, congratulations.
00:59:13 I'm very happy for you,
00:59:15 and you look beautiful.
00:59:17 - Thank you. - Yeah.
00:59:19 I appreciate that. I feel bloated and disgusting, but...
00:59:21 No, it suits you.
00:59:23 Uh, the pregnancy.
00:59:25 - Not the... - Mm-hmm.
00:59:27 Um, how's Peter doing?
00:59:29 You don't really want to know that, do you?
00:59:31 Not at all. I just hope you're happy.
00:59:33 - Very happy. - Good.
00:59:35 - Good, good, good. - Yeah.
00:59:37 - Um... - Yeah.
00:59:43 Great to see ya.
00:59:45 - Cool. - Yeah.
00:59:47 Make a wish.
00:59:52 Is that what Anteater Charity does?
00:59:54 He was already on my original list because of the gold ring thing,
00:59:57 but he just got cast in a play,
00:59:59 and he was supposed to perform tonight.
01:00:01 I had to think of a life-or-death reason to get him to sleep in.
01:00:04 - So? - Answer.
01:00:06 That was the only way to get him to agree to go raw, doll.
01:00:09 Dead girls don't need condoms.
01:00:11 Mormon?
01:00:13 Oh, you know, that guy must have slipped out.
01:00:15 He's an impressive asshole.
01:00:17 - Hey. - Hi.
01:00:19 See that, uh, that pregnant woman over there?
01:00:21 The one on the right? That's my ex.
01:00:23 And I'm about to say something or do something
01:00:25 that will get me excommunicated or imprisoned,
01:00:27 so, you know, could you distract me or something?
01:00:30 Um, yeah.
01:00:32 - Yeah? - Yeah, sure.
01:00:34 Okay.
01:00:36 Okay.
01:00:40 - What's this from? - Oh.
01:00:42 Knee replacement.
01:00:44 Warranty ran out a couple years ago, so...
01:00:46 Oh, I can give you a good referral for your mom's hip.
01:00:49 My guy, he's, like, the best in the biz, so...
01:00:52 - Oh, yeah. Great. - Yeah.
01:00:54 Thank you. I think scars are pretty sexy.
01:00:57 - Oh, really? - Yeah.
01:00:59 - Well, I do have another one. - Oh.
01:01:01 Yeah, right here, where Joyce ripped out my heart with her bare hands.
01:01:03 - Do you want to see it? - Wow. Joyce?
01:01:05 - Yeah. - Oh, wow.
01:01:07 Yeah, that's a terrible name for a villain.
01:01:09 - Yeah, it really is. - Yeah.
01:01:11 It's even got "joy" in it.
01:01:13 How can I be mad at that?
01:01:15 Oh, I walked in on mine getting a B.J.
01:01:17 Blowjobs are overrated.
01:01:21 You're just saying that to make me feel better.
01:01:23 Yeah, I am. 100%. Blowjobs are awesome.
01:01:26 You know, they had the nerve to send me a Christmas card.
01:01:29 - What? - Yeah.
01:01:31 So I drew a dick on her face and sent it back.
01:01:33 Ha-ha! Nice.
01:01:35 ( chuckles )
01:01:37 See that in there?
01:01:43 Those are my friends.
01:01:45 And she had her friends.
01:01:48 I just don't get it. Why does she think she needs mine?
01:01:51 You know? I know it's pathetic,
01:01:54 but, like, fuck, come on.
01:01:56 No, no, I totally get it.
01:01:58 I ran into my ex with his beautiful new wife and their baby.
01:02:01 The baby that he didn't want to have with me at my garden shop.
01:02:04 Did you shove him into a cactus?
01:02:06 I mean, that would have been my go-to move, just right in there.
01:02:08 - No, but I should have. - Yeah, you should have.
01:02:10 You know, my mom got divorced at the age of 44,
01:02:14 and I can honestly say I don't think she's ever had sex since.
01:02:19 I think she's hanging out at the wrong retirement homes.
01:02:22 - Yeah? - I really do.
01:02:24 Thing is, I--
01:02:29 I don't feel any different than I did when I was 25.
01:02:32 Yeah, same. It's crazy.
01:02:35 I went to see this band last week, and I swear to you,
01:02:38 I raised the average age of that room by at least ten years.
01:02:42 - Eh. - Yeah.
01:02:44 And I caught the eye of this woman, and I smiled at her,
01:02:47 and she looked at me like I was a pedophile.
01:02:49 - Okay. - Yeah.
01:02:50 - But in her defense-- - But? What?
01:02:52 Just-- Wait. Guys at clubs are creepy.
01:02:55 They are. I mean, I go dancing,
01:02:58 and I swear, every single guy in there is looking at me like I'm in heat.
01:03:01 Why can't a girl just look fly and go dancing? You know?
01:03:05 I hate to break it to you, but dancing has always been about sex.
01:03:09 - Yeah. I mean, I saw this National Geographic video-- - Are you flirting with me?
01:03:12 ( laughs )
01:03:14 Anyway, I saw this video of these crazy little red and yellow birds,
01:03:17 and they were doing, like, this mating ritual,
01:03:19 and I swear to you, it looked exactly like the Hammer Time movie.
01:03:22 No idea what you're talking about.
01:03:25 MC Hammer, Hammer Time, can't touch this.
01:03:28 I don't know. Can you show me? I mean, is it hard?
01:03:31 - Serious? - Yeah. What does it look like?
01:03:33 - I don't know. - I'll show you.
01:03:35 - Okay. - All right, you ready?
01:03:37 - Uh-huh. - So it's like-- it's like...
01:03:40 ( laughs )
01:03:42 Wow. That is, uh-- that is something else.
01:03:46 - Yeah. - I mean, I would--
01:03:49 - I would definitely swipe right. - Yeah?
01:03:51 - Yeah, I would swipe right if I were a bird. - Okay, good.
01:03:54 Good to know.
01:03:56 ( laughs )
01:03:58 Can I ask you something?
01:04:09 And it's 100% okay if you say no, obviously.
01:04:12 Yeah.
01:04:14 Can I kiss you?
01:04:16 I just really want to kiss you.
01:04:18 I'm not supposed to.
01:04:24 Oh, uh, okay. Why?
01:04:27 Because Molly's my best friend and Jeff is your best friend,
01:04:32 and if it didn't work out between us,
01:04:34 then that would be awkward for them.
01:04:36 Right. Yeah, absolutely.
01:04:38 And, you know, then who would invite us to these?
01:04:42 ( music playing )
01:04:45 I was just thinking, I mean,
01:05:01 kissing doesn't have to mean anything, right?
01:05:04 - Totally. - We could just make out.
01:05:06 - It doesn't have to be a relationship. - Nope. Yeah.
01:05:11 Can I ask you something?
01:05:13 And you can 100% say no?
01:05:16 Yeah.
01:05:18 Do you want to go have sex?
01:05:21 100% yes.
01:05:23 Okay.
01:05:25 ♪ You and me ♪
01:05:30 ♪ Let's get together ♪
01:05:32 ♪ You and me ♪
01:05:38 ♪ We'll be forever, be forever ♪
01:05:41 ♪ Oh, you and me ♪
01:05:44 - Hey. - Hey.
01:05:46 - Hi. - Hi, you.
01:05:48 - I love you. - I love you, too.
01:05:50 - How are you feeling? - I'm hot.
01:05:52 - Oh, I'm so hot. - Right?
01:05:56 - Are you hot? - No.
01:05:58 'Cause I am so-- I mean, you are very hot.
01:06:00 You are a very attractive human being.
01:06:02 Mm.
01:06:05 ( panting )
01:06:07 Yeah.
01:06:12 If you want to have sex with my sister-in-law,
01:06:15 then you should do it, 'cause that's beautiful.
01:06:17 And then we'd be real sisters forever.
01:06:20 - Yeah. - Yeah.
01:06:22 - Forever. - Oh, my God.
01:06:24 Oh.
01:06:26 Oh, God, this feels so wrong.
01:06:30 - Do you want me to stop? - No.
01:06:32 - God, no, no, no. - Okay.
01:06:34 - Keep going. - Okay.
01:06:36 - You have a vision. Sit down. - Yes.
01:06:38 - I can see some water. - Okay.
01:06:40 - That's whose magic. - I bet it does.
01:06:42 - Oh. - Shh.
01:06:44 Listen to how thirsty I am.
01:06:47 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
01:06:49 - It's dry in there. - Okay.
01:06:51 - Okay. - All right. 'Cause I'm so hot.
01:06:54 Oh.
01:06:58 Oh, God, no. What are you doing?
01:07:00 - What? - Oh, God.
01:07:02 Well, we didn't-- we didn't use protection, so I pulled out.
01:07:05 No, but that's not what was supposed to happen.
01:07:07 - What? - Oh, God. Okay.
01:07:09 - I mean, that's okay. - Oh, God.
01:07:12 - That's okay. - Okay.
01:07:14 Oh, here, I'll, uh-- I'll do that.
01:07:17 I don't want you to do the dirty work.
01:07:19 - It's okay. I got it. - Okay.
01:07:21 - Sorry about that. You know. - No, it's okay.
01:07:25 - And, uh, that was amazing. - Yeah.
01:07:28 - It really was. - Yeah.
01:07:30 - So... - Oh.
01:07:32 - I'll just see you out there. - All right.
01:07:37 Shit.
01:07:46 Hey, Siri?
01:07:51 How long does sperm last outside the body?
01:07:55 [phone beeps]
01:07:57 [phone beeps]
01:08:02 No, no, no, no, no. No, this is wrong. No, no, no.
01:08:10 [phone beeps]
01:08:13 [phone beeps]
01:08:16 [phone beeps]
01:08:22 [phone beeps]
01:08:24 Okay. All right.
01:08:32 Hurry, hurry, hurry.
01:08:35 - Hurry, hurry. - Oh, God.
01:08:41 I don't want it to get on my dress, please.
01:08:43 I can feel it going down my back.
01:08:45 - Ew. - Oh, please.
01:08:47 - All right. Hold still. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:08:49 - Okay. - Are you sure you're okay?
01:08:51 - Yeah, I kind of got to the crack. - All right.
01:08:53 - Thank you, thank you, thank you. - I'm gonna go.
01:08:55 So, you know, you can't pay me enough to do the second part.
01:08:58 No, no, no. No, no, no. I know. I know. Okay.
01:09:00 - Hey, Junior. - Hey.
01:09:03 - Why are you in such a good mood? - Oh, I'm just hanging.
01:09:05 - I'm farting. - I'm not.
01:09:07 - What's up? - Hey, man.
01:09:13 - Sneaking around with Jacqueline, too? - What?
01:09:19 She's quite the slippery mix, that one.
01:09:21 Okay.
01:09:24 Oh, shit.
01:09:27 - Hey, do you know where Jeff is? - I love this party.
01:09:33 - Hi. - Hey.
01:09:39 - Hello. - There's the birthday boy.
01:09:41 - Yeah, I've been in the pool. - Hey.
01:09:43 - Get inside me. - No, sweetie.
01:09:45 - Why don't you get out of the pool, huh? - No, no, no, no.
01:09:48 You come in the pool, 'cause guess what it is.
01:09:51 It's later.
01:09:53 Get in your birthday suit, you birthday boy.
01:09:57 And come on, this whole pool feels like seconds.
01:10:00 I don't think now is the best later, okay?
01:10:05 Fine. Then just go back inside.
01:10:09 No, I mean, look, you know I'm totally down for the later thing.
01:10:12 - The plan. I just... Now is... - No.
01:10:14 It was a moment, and it was gonna be beautiful.
01:10:17 Gonna be beautiful and perfect, but you ruined it.
01:10:20 So I guess we'll just keep never, ever having sex.
01:10:25 Ever, ever, ever, ever.
01:10:28 One day we'll have sex, and we'll be like, "We have to throw a parade."
01:10:31 - We're gonna go get Jackie. - Yay, we have sex.
01:10:34 - So, you and Armin? - What am I gonna tell Molly?
01:10:40 Girl, I told Jeff I wasn't flirting with his sister,
01:10:43 which is a promise I don't intend on keeping.
01:10:45 Okay. You're the best.
01:10:48 I'm here for any moral support.
01:10:54 Okay. Well, thank you.
01:10:57 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
01:10:59 Hey, guys, have you seen Jackie? No? All right.
01:11:05 - Hey, have you seen Jackie? - You gotta be kidding me. You too?
01:11:09 You know, you have a beautiful wife.
01:11:12 You should take care of her, or someone else will.
01:11:15 Okay. Okay. Listen to me, flea market Picasso.
01:11:20 Your next words, I would choose them very carefully.
01:11:23 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Or what?
01:11:25 Oh! Oh, you made me spill my drink.
01:11:28 - I think you should leave, huh? - I would prefer not to.
01:11:32 I don't give a fuck.
01:11:34 - Okay, bye. - Oh, shit.
01:11:42 I was just doing crunches.
01:11:44 - You mean occupy. - Yeah.
01:11:47 - Come on. - Oh.
01:11:50 But...
01:11:52 Uh, I'm... I'm sorry, Jeff. I, uh...
01:11:55 I need you to get Molly out of the pool
01:11:57 where she's swimming in her under things.
01:12:01 - Absolutely not. - Okay?
01:12:03 Jeff, um, does this mean I'm not invited to Thanksgiving?
01:12:06 Get her out of the pool! God!
01:12:11 Get your hands up.
01:12:13 - Hey, you're Molly. - Hi.
01:12:20 Hi. Just, um, I just have to go help Molly.
01:12:23 - Oh, and, uh... - Yeah?
01:12:25 Let's just keep this act to ourselves, yeah?
01:12:28 Yeah, yeah, definitely.
01:12:30 - On the down low. The QT. - Yeah.
01:12:32 Totally.
01:12:34 Um, then again, it's like, we're not in junior high, right?
01:12:37 We don't need Jeff and Molly's permission to, I don't know, say,
01:12:41 go to a concert. I'm on the board at Step Up.
01:12:43 They can get us some primo seats.
01:12:45 What do you say?
01:12:47 - Yeah. - Yeah.
01:12:49 - Okay, cool. Got you a glass? - Oh, no.
01:12:52 Good. You're one of the NFTs, right?
01:12:54 This is weed, fungible tokens. It's an investment.
01:12:57 Hey.
01:13:03 Jeff won't have sex with me.
01:13:06 Um, I don't think his birthday party is the best time to do it, you know?
01:13:12 We barely even have sex anymore, ever.
01:13:15 Honey, you guys have been married a long time.
01:13:18 You know, at the end, for Todd and I,
01:13:21 I mean, we had sex maybe, like, twice a month.
01:13:25 Yeah, but you were unhappy.
01:13:27 When we started dating, we had sex two times a night.
01:13:31 We just recently went on a romantic spa getaway,
01:13:34 and we had sex one time in three nights.
01:13:38 Maybe men slow down as they age.
01:13:41 That's what I wanted.
01:13:43 That's not me, is it?
01:13:46 Well, this definitely is you.
01:13:50 I mean, this reminds me of some of the fun times we had in senior year.
01:13:53 Right? 'Cause I used to be fun.
01:13:56 Like, I was fun, right?
01:13:58 But, like, I'm not any fun anymore.
01:14:01 - Yes, you are. - I'm not even a fun mom.
01:14:04 Like, I thought I'd be a cool mom, but I'm not.
01:14:06 It's like a yelp. I yelp when I can.
01:14:08 I do what I do. Everybody does.
01:14:12 Come here, baby.
01:14:15 - I almost had sex with Tim. - What?
01:14:19 - I really wanted to. - Molly, he's the worst.
01:14:22 It's your fault that I didn't do it.
01:14:24 I just was thinking about you and Todd,
01:14:26 and I didn't want to wreck my marriage.
01:14:28 I love Jeff. I love him. He's a good man.
01:14:32 I'm so bored.
01:14:35 I'm, like, so, so, so bored,
01:14:37 and I just, like, I hate my new friends.
01:14:40 No, no, no, no, no.
01:14:42 I don't hate them. I don't hate them.
01:14:44 I just... I do hate me when I'm with them.
01:14:48 I fucking hate all of it.
01:14:51 Like, I hate dance tryouts,
01:14:53 and I hate room moms.
01:14:55 "Oh, please upload photos of your sweet little angels
01:14:58 "onto the shared Shutterfly site.
01:15:00 "Why didn't you upload any photos?
01:15:02 "You forgot to upload the photos.
01:15:04 "Could you just do that, please? Could you please do that?"
01:15:07 And, Jackie, don't be a mom.
01:15:09 I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that.
01:15:14 But you won't give me any fun anymore
01:15:16 because I'm not fun anymore, and I'm never gonna see you.
01:15:19 When you even see me, I'm not your best friend.
01:15:22 Wait. Am I even your best friend anymore?
01:15:25 - Of course you are. - Really?
01:15:28 - Yeah. - Holy...
01:15:30 Come on. Sisters before misters.
01:15:32 - I love you. - I love you.
01:15:35 - Also, why am I in the pool? - I don't know.
01:15:44 I think maybe it's not everybody who would get in.
01:15:47 Yeah. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to get out
01:15:50 and do the cake.
01:15:52 Oh, no, the cake.
01:15:54 Oh, no, Jeff's birthday. I'm gonna miss Jeff's birthday.
01:15:57 No, no, no. I think I have you peaked there.
01:16:00 That's true.
01:16:02 It's probably true.
01:16:04 All right. Okay.
01:16:06 I'm not... I'm not...
01:16:08 Can I... Can I borrow you for a sec?
01:16:10 I'm just helping Molly with the cake.
01:16:12 - It'll be quick. - Oh, that's okay.
01:16:15 I'll be right back. Okay.
01:16:17 ♪ I can't see the world from the trees ♪
01:16:19 ♪ And all these boulders leave the rain falling ♪
01:16:22 ♪ I know you have the best fireball ♪
01:16:25 ♪ But the time has turned and got the worst of me ♪
01:16:28 ♪ I'm not going for your candle ♪
01:16:31 Joyce. Hey.
01:16:33 Just wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Jacqueline.
01:16:37 How convenient.
01:16:39 It's a pleasure to meet you.
01:16:41 How long have you two been together?
01:16:43 Um, we're not... We're not actually dating.
01:16:46 Dating. Uh...
01:16:48 Yeah, but it seems promising.
01:16:50 You know, just nice to be with someone who doesn't play games.
01:16:53 Oh, yeah. I get that.
01:16:56 I do adore games.
01:16:58 Probably because I enjoy the company of other human beings.
01:17:00 - A lot, yeah. - I shouldn't be in the middle...
01:17:02 Is everything all right over here? These people bothering you?
01:17:04 Who the fuck is this guy?
01:17:06 - Uh, he... - Wait a minute.
01:17:08 I know you. Are you the shirtless chef?
01:17:10 Oh, my God, I love your brine chicken breasts. They're so good.
01:17:13 It's a smoked paprika and pineapple juice that makes it.
01:17:15 - Boom! - Do you drink a lot of pineapple juice?
01:17:17 - Tons. - Oh.
01:17:19 - It's got that sweet sauce? - Yeah, it's got that sweet sauce.
01:17:21 Okay, what is going on here?
01:17:23 Just talking to people at a party I was invited to, so...
01:17:27 Hi. It's me.
01:17:31 - Everything from the bathroom. - I know it's not Jeff Goldblum,
01:17:33 but it is a dinosaur, and they are apex predators,
01:17:36 and you're the apex predator of my heart.
01:17:39 Hey, yo, before you leave, we're gonna have a little survey.
01:17:42 Show of hands.
01:17:44 Who here has not had sex with Jacqueline tonight?
01:17:48 Show of hands, please.
01:17:50 One, two, three, four, five.
01:17:53 That's more than I would have thought.
01:17:55 Did you have a gangbang at my birthday party?
01:17:57 - No. No. - Okay.
01:17:59 Whoa, whoa. You're slut-shaming her.
01:18:01 No, it's truth-telling. She fucked four guys at my house.
01:18:04 Oh, my God. When you went upstairs,
01:18:07 please tell me that you did not have sex in my bed.
01:18:10 No, I didn't. He is the only guy I didn't have sex with.
01:18:14 - Hmm. - I'll buy that.
01:18:16 Yeah. Obviously, I mean,
01:18:19 you're uninvited to Thanksgiving.
01:18:21 You know what? This guy. Yeah. Okay. I get it.
01:18:24 You had sex with the shirtless chef, Locking?
01:18:26 And this one. Yes. Okay. I get it.
01:18:29 But him? Really? Him over me? You've gotta be kidding me.
01:18:36 - I thought I was your wish come true. - You are.
01:18:38 - Happy birthday to you. - Oh, for fuck's sake.
01:18:42 - Happy birthday to you. - Happy birthday to you.
01:18:46 Everybody's singing.
01:18:48 Happy birthday, dear Locking.
01:18:54 - Hello. What's the matter with you? - Happy birthday to you.
01:18:58 Honey, make a wish. I love you.
01:19:01 I wish this night would fucking end.
01:19:04 - It didn't. - That was pretty dark.
01:19:07 - I should go. - No. No. You're not going anywhere.
01:19:10 - Didn't it mean anything to you? - Yeah. Of course it did.
01:19:13 It was fun. Can't that be enough?
01:19:16 Physical touch? That's my love language.
01:19:19 Well, acts of service are mine.
01:19:22 Jacqueline, I thought we had a connection.
01:19:24 We did. We do.
01:19:27 You slept with Armin, but I asked you not to.
01:19:30 - Why not me? - Wait.
01:19:32 Molly, did you have something to do with this?
01:19:36 Nope.
01:19:38 No, no, no. She told me way before the party not to have sex with Armin.
01:19:44 - Again, why not me? - This is like "The Bachelorette."
01:19:48 - No, we're fucking. - Oh, there's fucking on "The Bachelorette."
01:19:51 You guys, there's a really simple explanation for all this.
01:19:55 Jacqueline has stage four lymphoma.
01:19:57 She's got a week left to live.
01:19:59 So? She's up with a bunch of guys. Who are we to judge?
01:20:02 Wow, you look amazing for stage four cancer. You really do.
01:20:05 Oh, good job, Jen-Jen. This is why you quit Jen Aniston's charity?
01:20:08 You know, Jen Aniston, can you put in a good word for me before, like, you know...
01:20:12 I'm not dying, okay? And I didn't quit my job.
01:20:15 And my mom didn't break her hip.
01:20:17 And I think that covers all the lies.
01:20:19 And I am really, really sorry if I hurt you guys.
01:20:23 I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday.
01:20:28 Apology accepted. I'll get the door.
01:20:34 We were just making out in the closet. It's not a metaphor for anything.
01:20:37 You know, if anybody should be having sex, it's me.
01:20:40 It's my party. It's my party.
01:20:42 - Jeffrey, grow up. - Where are you going?
01:20:44 - Party's over. - What do you mean, the party's over?
01:20:47 Oh.
01:20:49 Enjoy your walk of shame, slut.
01:20:52 I knew you'd come back for me.
01:21:01 Listen, you misogynistic, untalented nut sack.
01:21:05 If I'm really such a slut, then why didn't I sleep with you?
01:21:08 And also, fuck you for calling me a slut.
01:21:10 I can sleep with whoever I want and however many people I want.
01:21:13 Just because you didn't get laid doesn't make me the bad guy.
01:21:16 And actually, it was a deliberate choice not to sleep with you
01:21:20 because the very thought of the miniature you made me sick.
01:21:23 Well, why would there be a miniature me?
01:21:29 Because you were all selected for a very special purpose.
01:21:34 - Yes. - It's beautiful.
01:21:36 Is this a Mormon thing? Like, your sister-wives?
01:21:39 - Wait a minute. Is this a key party thing? - Oh, my God. Is this a coven?
01:21:42 Where the fuck are my... Never mind.
01:21:44 - You told me the condom broke. - It did. It did.
01:21:47 Technically, you know, I just... I might have helped it a little bit.
01:21:50 Girl, this is deceivious.
01:21:52 I like it.
01:21:54 She wants a baby, so one of you lucky guys is gonna be a baby daddy.
01:21:58 Yay!
01:22:00 And who wants cake?
01:22:03 Well, at least I know it's not mine. I pulled out.
01:22:06 - How? - I... Uh...
01:22:11 - What? - Finds a way.
01:22:13 Okay, so which one was I?
01:22:15 Oh, God. So I have to...
01:22:17 - I'm gonna be sick. - I want a DNA test.
01:22:19 I feel really used right now. Like, I'm losing money coming here.
01:22:22 I didn't eat carbs.
01:22:24 Bottom line is, none of these men gave their consent.
01:22:27 - What you did is fraud. - Well, it's only fraud
01:22:29 if she tripped them into having sex.
01:22:31 I mean, look at her. I say they hit the jackpot.
01:22:34 Thank you. Stop fucking whining.
01:22:36 I know y'all wanted to get a piece of Jackie's McGinley's virginity.
01:22:39 This was just supposed to be a one-time thing.
01:22:41 I'm probably gonna plan B the whole thing anyway, so...
01:22:43 - Oh, no, don't say that. - That's not what I'm saying.
01:22:45 - Life is precious. - Cake-ing.
01:22:47 Each and every one of you are good and decent men, except you.
01:22:50 And I'm so sorry for lying,
01:22:53 but I... I had a really good time.
01:22:56 But if we met in real life, okay, on a real date,
01:22:59 who would you pick? 'Cause if it were up to me,
01:23:02 I would pick you in a heartbeat.
01:23:04 Oh, that is really thoughtful
01:23:07 and amazing to hear.
01:23:09 Um... okay.
01:23:11 - Well, that settles it. - Oh, my God.
01:23:14 - Get up. Get up. - Jacqueline, will you marry me?
01:23:17 - No. - I don't want our baby to enter the world a bastard.
01:23:20 Yeah, that bastard could be my kid.
01:23:22 Oh, let's hope not. Points for creativity,
01:23:25 but legal or not, this plan is insane.
01:23:27 Yes. Yes, you're right. It is. It is insane.
01:23:30 I didn't want to get pregnant this way. I really didn't.
01:23:32 I would love to have a baby with a loving husband.
01:23:35 And, yes, I could adopt, and I could go to a sperm bank.
01:23:39 I want to know who the father is,
01:23:41 because one day I can look at my child and I can say,
01:23:44 "Your father was a kind and decent man."
01:23:47 And they don't have an app for that.
01:23:49 - Oh, my God. - Came up with this crazy plan...
01:23:51 - You see what I'm thinking? - I can get a prototype up in a month.
01:23:54 - Oh, my God. - And a horrible person.
01:23:56 And I'm sorry. I just wanted to have a baby of my own,
01:23:59 if I still could.
01:24:01 I mean, my God, when you just put it like that, I just...
01:24:04 Are you insane? Are you insane?
01:24:07 Have you people all lost their minds?
01:24:09 This... this woman stole your sperm.
01:24:13 She stole your sperm, man!
01:24:16 She stole your sperm! She stole your sperm!
01:24:19 - She's a sperm burglar. - What?
01:24:21 Yeah. You ask me.
01:24:23 Your ex got off the crazy train
01:24:26 just in the nick of time.
01:24:28 - Oh! - God damn it!
01:24:32 I wanted to do that.
01:24:34 Oh, my God! My water just broke!
01:24:37 - Oh, no! - How? Coming from me?
01:24:39 - Baby, you're waterboarding him! - Oh, my God!
01:24:42 - Get me out! - Salty brine.
01:24:45 - I think that's gonna stain. - You have to get me to the hospital, like, now!
01:24:49 Baby, I'm three tumblers deep into the scotch here.
01:24:52 - What are you gonna do, ding-dong? - I can take you. I can take you. I got this.
01:24:56 ( screaming )
01:24:58 ( screaming )
01:25:01 Isn't there, like, a breathing thing you could be doing right now?
01:25:04 Yeah, right. Remember, baby?
01:25:06 - Baby, he is... he... he... who... - Okay.
01:25:09 - He... he... who... he... he... - ( screaming )
01:25:12 - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
01:25:14 - No pushing in the car. - Oh, my God!
01:25:17 - Get in the car, all right? - Yeah, yeah. Minutes away. Minutes away.
01:25:20 Oh, look, look. Put this here. Put that right under there.
01:25:23 Squeeze your legs together real tight.
01:25:25 - It's real leather. - Breathe.
01:25:27 - It's real leather. We paid for the nice leather. - Oh, yes.
01:25:31 ( screaming )
01:25:34 - Oh! - Get out of the car.
01:25:37 - Get out of the car. Get out of the car. - Oh, God!
01:25:40 - Hey, you! - Yeah, what was that?
01:25:42 - Wait. What's up? - ( crying )
01:25:45 My dad was a piece of shit. He was never around.
01:25:48 ( crying )
01:25:50 You have to promise me you're not gonna be like that.
01:25:53 I'm never gonna leave you. Ever.
01:25:57 Okay, I know you're scared. I'm scared, too, but we're a team.
01:26:01 Okay? It's you and me versus everybody.
01:26:04 - Okay. - Okay?
01:26:06 - Okay? - Yeah.
01:26:08 - You ready to meet our daughter? - Yeah.
01:26:10 - Come on. Let's do it. Let's go. - Yeah, yeah.
01:26:12 - Here's a wheelchair. - Oh, God.
01:26:14 - Okay, I don't wanna fall. - Okay.
01:26:17 Okay, now you can pull.
01:26:20 ( screaming )
01:26:22 Hee-hee-hoo!
01:26:24 Hee-hee-hoo! Hee-hee-hoo!
01:26:27 ( crying )
01:26:30 There isn't gonna be anyone there for me.
01:26:35 I'm gonna be all alone.
01:26:38 I've got no one by my side, no one to hold my hand.
01:26:42 Oh, my God. What have I done?
01:26:45 I've just been-- I've just been so focused on getting pregnant
01:26:48 that I didn't even think about how I was gonna raise the kid.
01:26:52 I mean, why would I choose to be a single mom?
01:26:56 This is crazy.
01:26:58 This is something we should have thought about, like, three hours ago.
01:27:01 Hold up. I was raised by a single mother, and I'm the shit.
01:27:04 - Yes. - But I don't-- I don't know that I'm gonna be a good mom.
01:27:07 - Hey, I do. - I know you're gonna be a good mom.
01:27:10 - No, you don't know that. - I do.
01:27:12 No, you don't. Forget about all the therapy
01:27:14 that the kid is gonna have to have after he finds out how I got pregnant.
01:27:18 I mean, Jeff and I, we always say it's a good day
01:27:21 if we only added 15 minutes to our kid's therapy.
01:27:24 Yeah, but you guys have each other.
01:27:26 I've just caught myself, and I'm-- I'm no picnic, guys.
01:27:29 You know that. I mean, what if I ruin this kid?
01:27:32 I won't let you. You need to tap out, I'm there. Boom.
01:27:35 Yeah, me too.
01:27:37 If you need to tap out, I'm totally gonna pay for a babysitter for you.
01:27:43 Y'all are like the straight white sisters I've never had.
01:27:46 Are you serious?
01:27:48 I love you guys so much.
01:27:51 - You-- - Ladies.
01:27:53 This zone is for loading and unloading only.
01:27:55 - Oh, he's serious. - I'm gonna need you to move your car.
01:27:57 I'll have to empty out your vehicle.
01:27:59 - Oh. - Oh.
01:28:01 - Okay. - Okay.
01:28:05 Take me home so I can give the birthday boy the ride of his life.
01:28:08 - He has definitely earned it. - And I'm gonna go sit on his sister's lap.
01:28:13 - I'm gonna sit on his face. - I've earned it.
01:28:16 - I love you guys. - I love you.
01:28:20 Thank you.
01:28:22 I mean, who knows if this is even gonna work, right? What are the odds?
01:28:25 I mean, it's just gonna be a little cold.
01:28:27 There you go.
01:28:29 There's the heartbeat.
01:28:34 Oh, my God.
01:28:36 Do you mind just holding still? Thank you.
01:28:39 Oh, hold on.
01:28:41 I think I see another.
01:28:43 - What? - Okay.
01:28:46 One.
01:28:48 There's two.
01:28:50 And, yep, that's three.
01:28:53 Congratulations. You're having triplets.
01:28:56 - Yay. - Three babies.
01:29:01 Damn. You really are a sperm burglar.
01:29:04 ( music playing )
01:29:08 ( music playing )
01:29:11 ( music playing )
01:29:14 ♪ Hey, daddy, daddy, won't you look my way ♪
01:29:29 ♪ Let's get lost in a new dimension ♪
01:29:32 ♪ Hey, daddy, daddy, won't you come say hey ♪
01:29:35 ♪ So desperate for your whole attention ♪
01:29:38 ♪ 'Cause we're living our best lives so don't you leave, no ♪
01:29:41 ♪ I just gotta know you better ♪
01:29:44 ♪ We're living our best lives so don't you go, no ♪
01:29:47 ♪ I just gotta hold you better ♪
01:29:50 ♪ They make the drinks to go down, down ♪
01:29:53 ♪ They play the beat to get down, down ♪
01:29:56 ♪ Baby, let's get out on that town, town ♪
01:29:59 ♪ They make the drinks to go down, down ♪
01:30:03 ♪ Down, down ♪
01:30:06 ♪ They make the drinks to go down, down ♪
01:30:10 ♪ Down, down ♪
01:30:12 ♪ They make the drinks to go down ♪
01:30:15 Shirtless chef. Today, we're risking it to win the biscuit.
01:30:18 We're making a pineapple chicken breast brine.
01:30:21 Let's see how it turns out. We've never done this before. Boom!
01:30:24 One pound organic chicken breast.
01:30:26 One cup pineapple juice.
01:30:28 Tablespoon salt.
01:30:30 And mix it.
01:30:32 Garlic.
01:30:34 Two tablespoons smoked paprika.
01:30:36 Brine for two hours.
01:30:39 Sear both sides with a little avocado oil.
01:30:42 Bake at 450 for 20 to 25 minutes.
01:30:44 Work out while you wait.
01:30:46 Bam, bam.
01:30:48 Delicious.
01:30:50 We just invented a new recipe. Boom!
01:30:52 That's Shirtless Kitchen, baby!
01:30:54 ♪ She eats the floor like Deezer ♪
01:30:56 ♪ I know her feet hurt ♪
01:30:58 ♪ I'm a sweet pearl off the heels like Swiffer ♪
01:31:00 ♪ You and that tight that'll brief her ♪
01:31:02 ♪ I never had a cancer ♪
01:31:04 ♪ Do you like Libras? I'm a romancer ♪
01:31:06 ♪ I gotta have balance, you apply pressure ♪
01:31:08 ♪ I'm a spencer to salte your dress up ♪
01:31:10 ♪ So I can pressure you by raising my pressure ♪
01:31:12 ♪ Get my blood boiling out of the healer ♪
01:31:14 ♪ Find out that wine is juicy, I tell ya ♪
01:31:16 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:31:18 ♪ Look at that big old brunt ♪
01:31:20 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:31:22 ♪ Making that big thing jump ♪
01:31:24 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:31:26 ♪ Look at 'em trying to stunt ♪
01:31:28 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:31:30 ♪ Tell your girls we're getting real, boy, get your feelings hurt ♪
01:31:32 ♪ Shorty really want her space, you can back, back up ♪
01:31:35 ♪ She about to throw that butt, she about to sweat that dance ♪
01:31:38 ♪ She don't need no room to stunt, anything to back her face ♪
01:31:41 ♪ Talking 'bout you looking hate, the girl don't play ♪
01:31:43 ♪ She can throw her back and twerk for days ♪
01:31:45 ♪ She can throw that butt, make it go round and round ♪
01:31:47 ♪ When it's up, it's still gonna shake ♪
01:31:49 ♪ Throw it on the asphalt ♪
01:31:51 ♪ If you crack, it's okay 'cause it's asphalt ♪
01:31:53 ♪ When it's fat like that, it's a matter of feet ♪
01:31:55 ♪ You throwin' it back, that's a ass up ♪
01:31:58 ♪
01:32:00 ♪
01:32:02 ♪
01:32:04 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:06 ♪ Look at that big old brunt ♪
01:32:08 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:10 ♪ Making that big thing dunk ♪
01:32:12 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:14 ♪ Look at 'em trying to stunt ♪
01:32:16 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:18 ♪ We been low with them pumps ♪
01:32:20 ♪ Look at that brunt ♪
01:32:22 ♪ We the thing, blessed feet like a nun ♪
01:32:24 ♪ We can have several seats, that's a pun ♪
01:32:26 ♪ We got stacks and cakes and buns ♪
01:32:28 ♪ She eats the floor like dessert ♪
01:32:30 ♪ I know her feet hurt, I'ma sweep her off the heels like Swiffer ♪
01:32:32 ♪ You in that tight, that'll pre-furt ♪
01:32:34 ♪ A really good dancer, she really different ♪
01:32:36 ♪ I never had a cancer, do you like Libras? ♪
01:32:38 ♪ I'm a romancer, I gotta have balance, you apply pressure ♪
01:32:40 ♪ I'ma spence up to salte your dress up ♪
01:32:42 ♪ So I can press you, my rays at my pressure ♪
01:32:44 ♪ Get my blood boiling, hotter than Heller ♪
01:32:46 ♪ Finer than wine and juicy, I tell ya ♪
01:32:48 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:50 ♪ Look at that big old brunt ♪
01:32:52 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:32:54 ♪ Making that big thing dunk ♪
01:32:56 ♪ Look what I'm trying to stunt ♪
01:32:58 ♪ Drop, drop, drop, drop ♪
01:33:00 ♪ Look at that low and up pump ♪
01:33:02 What'd I miss?
01:33:07 [crickets chirping]
01:33:09 [BLANK_AUDIO]

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