Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 02- Porking
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 02- Porking
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TVTranscript
00:00 (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
00:02 (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
00:08 Gerald had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
00:26 Something that Caleb and I discussed while trying to do what our absent friend normally does.
00:32 Bollocks.
00:34 No.
00:36 No.
00:38 - I tell you, it's bloody complicated. - Yeah.
00:41 I've been phoning round doctors and things I know.
00:45 - Yeah. - And his odds are really good.
00:48 - But it's scaring him to death. - Yeah.
00:53 - He doesn't understand, you know, that. - No, I know he doesn't understand.
00:56 And he's bewildered because, for obvious reasons, somebody said, "Look, I'm sorry, it's cancer."
01:02 - That's all he heard. - Yeah.
01:04 He's desperately upset. Terrified, poor man.
01:08 He's a strong man, isn't he? I mean, he's worked the land all of his life.
01:13 He's not unfit, is he? You know, he could do a day's work at this.
01:17 He's 74. He's amazing.
01:20 Amazing.
01:21 We were now heading into late autumn.
01:46 And on Caleb's side of the farm in one of the arable fields, things were not going well.
01:52 So Jeremy and Charlie said it was too late to plant oilseed rape.
01:57 I took the decision as farm manager now to plant it myself.
02:01 And unfortunately, it's failed.
02:03 Fucking annoying.
02:12 And when Caleb came over to see me, he became even more annoyed.
02:16 Who the fuck is that?
02:23 Well, now it's interesting you should ask that because it's actually half of Groove Armada.
02:28 - Who? - Half of Groove... He was in Groove Armada.
02:34 I don't know who that is. Why is he drilling my field?
02:40 The thing is that fellow Doncaster boy Andy Cato no longer does this for a living.
02:46 Like me, he's now moved into farming.
02:58 And a couple of weeks earlier, he and his business partner George Lamb...
03:03 ...had dropped round to talk about their big idea.
03:09 I know it's called regenerative farming, isn't it?
03:11 But I'd really like to understand what it is.
03:14 Basically, our current farming system declares war on natural systems.
03:19 And it's got us in a bit of a fix.
03:21 Our soils have been pounded and poisoned to a point where they're within a few decades of giving up.
03:27 We've lost 80% of our insects.
03:29 So we can't keep doing that.
03:31 And regenerative farming is a way of farming which tries to copy natural systems.
03:37 - But it's not organic. - No.
03:39 Inorganic, the main thing is about not using any chemicals.
03:44 Where we're different is we're about assessing each bit of farmland...
03:49 ...and trying to figure out what it needs.
03:52 So if we went and we took the plant and we took a reading from it...
03:55 ...and it told us that you were missing a boron or magnesium or something specific...
04:00 ...we can feed according to need.
04:04 Rather than going and just dumping thousands of kilos onto the field...
04:07 That's what we do. We just literally fill the sprayer up with gallons and gallons of chemicals...
04:14 ...and just go out and do every field.
04:16 Andy then explained that the goal with regenerative farming...
04:20 ...was to copy the way nature likes to mix things up.
04:24 One thing you'll never find in the woods or even along a hedgerow or any natural system...
04:29 ...is one type of plant.
04:32 Nature never allows one type of plant to grow in a big area.
04:36 If you look in a droughty year like this year, all the bits that stood up to it...
04:40 ...are the hedgerows and the woodlands and the bits that we haven't touched.
04:43 - You mean the bits that have stayed green? - Yeah.
04:46 And the thing is, as the hedgerow or the woodland or the meadowland prove...
04:51 ...when that's working, you don't need to put anything on it...
04:55 ...because nature's got it sorted.
04:57 So what we've got to get away from is monocultures.
05:00 [THUD]
05:01 [THUD]
05:03 You're suggesting planting wheat and something else in the same field at the same time?
05:09 Absolutely. So the idea of wheat and beans is a good starting point.
05:14 - In the same field? - In the same field.
05:16 There's two things happening there.
05:18 One is the nitrogen from the atmosphere, of which there's an infinite abundance...
05:23 - Eighty percent of which, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
05:26 Well, the beans are taking that down and putting it in the soil where we need it...
05:29 ...to replace fertilizer inputs.
05:32 - The beans are? - The beans are.
05:34 Yeah, because they're great nitrogen fixers.
05:36 And so by putting two plant families in the same field...
05:40 ...we're starting that process of feeding the soil microbes...
05:44 ...which we need to help recover, with a diversity of plants.
05:48 But obviously your yields are going to be way down.
05:51 You're not going to grow as many beans as if you just had a bean field...
05:55 ...as if you just had a wheat field, surely.
05:56 Here's the thing. The overall output from that field will be higher.
06:00 - Really? - Yeah.
06:02 I know what you mean. Net margin-wise, at the bottom line.
06:07 Yes, overall you might do less yield in actual weight with us...
06:11 ...but if you take all those input costs out, for example...
06:14 ...the chemical prices are going up and up and up, your margin is higher.
06:18 Plus, you're also building health into your soil...
06:21 ...which means you're going to farm indefinitely.
06:24 If you carry on using the same extractive system...
06:26 ...which is all based on chemicals, the likelihood is...
06:29 ...in a couple of generations' time, you're not going to be able to produce food on your farm.
06:33 So if we started to think, not in terms of yield...
06:36 ...like the weight of the crop we get out of the field, but in how much money...
06:39 ...because we only ever talk about, "We've got so many tonnes per acre."
06:44 If we start to talk about how many pounds...
06:47 - ...sillings and pence per acre... - What was... Yeah.
06:49 I mean, I like the sound of this.
06:52 You're not having to give Mr. CF Industries £100,000 for your fertiliser.
06:56 Exactly.
06:58 Then came the really enticing bit.
07:00 Andy and George would guarantee to buy any crops we grew using their method...
07:06 ...for a premium price.
07:08 - You buy the... You buy it? - We buy it off you.
07:11 - Ah, right. Okay. - What?
07:13 - That's even better. - You buy it for more than I would get from an ordinary grain merchant or...
07:17 - Yeah. For sure. - And then who do you sell it to?
07:21 George, today we're at about 250 regular customers...
07:23 ...and that spreads from everything from small artisan bakeries right through to Marks & Spencers.
07:28 - Marks & Spencers? - Marks & Spencers.
07:30 Marks & Spencers. So your flour that you sell us can be going into M&S.
07:35 Charlie and I were sold.
07:40 So I'd handed over one of the fields to Andy...
07:43 ...to see if his new soil-friendly system would work.
07:51 And now I just had to hope that Caleb wouldn't mind.
07:55 That's pissing me off, seeing him in there.
08:00 No, you don't know what he's drilling yet. He's got wheat and beans.
08:03 - I see a bean bag. - Yeah, he's got wheat and beans in his hopper.
08:07 It's my field, though. I've drilled this field for the last six years now.
08:12 Well, you won't have to this year, because he's doing it.
08:15 He's putting it in with a disc drill. It's not going to work, either.
08:19 - Why not? - Look out there. What do you see?
08:22 - Mud. - No, the other thing with the mud.
08:25 - Stones. - Yes. Do you know how a disc drill works?
08:28 We've got a time drill for that reason. It moves the stone out of the way...
08:31 ...then plants the seed. Yes?
08:33 You put a disc over that, that will go over the stone...
08:36 ...and plant the seed on top of the stone.
08:38 - Will it? - Yes.
08:41 He's probably on, I don't know, boys' land or something. This is man's land.
08:47 I then put on my Boutros Boutros hat, because it was time for the two of them to meet.
08:53 Be nice. Don't be petulant like a child.
08:57 - Andy, Caleb. - How you doing?
09:02 - Caleb, Andy. He's thrilled. - Nice to meet you.
09:05 - He's absolutely thrilled. - Looking pretty thrilled, yeah.
09:08 - No, because... Well, here's somebody else. - Hi.
09:11 - Have you been planting with a trowel? - I've been scratching around like a chicken.
09:16 So, the first thing he says is you're using a disc drill, which won't work in that field.
09:21 - So, not a stone? - It's a lot of stone.
09:24 - Do you think it'll work? - I'm with you with the stones.
09:27 The thing with this drill is that it's set up to sow two things at the same time...
09:31 ...and put a bit of probiotic liquid down with the seed at the same time.
09:35 So, if we can get through the stones, we can get the job done.
09:38 - What's the liquid for then? Fertilizer? - No, it's like...
09:42 Because we're trying to end this field, we're going to try and bring the soil back to life.
09:45 - And get all the things... - That's a life. It is a life.
09:47 You're telling me if I farm that bit there and you rip this bit up and put your...
09:51 ...whatever you're doing in here, you'll get a better yield than I would?
09:55 - No, no, no. - OK. Would you make more money than I would?
09:58 - Let's go back a step, because if... - I'm talking to the sun.
10:02 - What's that?
10:04 - If... - My neck.
10:07 - Do you want me to come down the downslope? - Yeah, that's alright.
10:11 - Yeah, that's better. - That's better.
10:12 - So, what are you putting... You're planting wheat? - And beans.
10:16 How do you harvest it and not lose anything out the back?
10:20 You just set it so you're not losing anything out the back,
10:23 then it'll go to a grain cleaner and we'll split the beans out.
10:25 - Which costs more money as well. - But you don't have to take care of that,
10:28 because part of the deal is that we'll just take the wheat and beans together,
10:32 - and we'll soil that. - They do that.
10:34 - We sell it to you then? - Yeah.
10:36 - And they pay a premium. - Right.
10:40 Next question then. Were you in a band?
10:42 - I was in a band. - I can tell.
10:44 - Because? - Because you left your tractor running at a pound a litre.
10:47 It was now late November,
11:00 and I had my head buried in my latest homework.
11:05 Yorkshire pigs.
11:08 Who were you looking at?
11:09 Because despite Charlie's protests,
11:12 I'd bought some pigs and their arrival was only days away.
11:17 Corrugated iron.
11:20 As a result, I had to get three big pens built in the potato field.
11:27 This would be a lot of work and I really needed some expert help.
11:36 - Caleb is ill. - OK.
11:38 First rule, I would have thought of farming, you go to work. The end.
11:44 - There's a really bad cold going round. - It's a cold!
11:48 - It's horrible. - Fetuses, honestly.
11:50 Could you grab the telehandler, since it's an emergency?
11:53 Look at this. This is the diddly squat heavy machinery unit,
12:02 swinging into action here.
12:05 Whoa!
12:06 Oh, bloody hell! Wind!
12:10 No! I've got my own sail!
12:15 - So have you heard what pigs I'm getting? - No.
12:20 - They're called Shandy and Blacks. - No!
12:23 And they are from... See the forest over there?
12:27 - Yeah. - That's where they're from, the forest of Witchwood.
12:30 - You're kidding! - No.
12:33 - A few years ago, there was only one man-pig left. - Four?
12:39 - Yeah, only one left in the whole world. - No way!
12:42 Yeah, and it was rescued by a farm in Deane and they're bringing it back.
12:46 So I've decided to get Shandy and Blacks.
12:48 It sounds like a sort of thing a northern woman would drink in a pub on a Friday night.
12:53 - 83 metres. - There.
12:55 - So this is the other corner. - Here we go.
12:59 Look, a farmer at work, possibly with a light cold, mild flu, but able to go to work.
13:05 Having measured out the pens, our next job was to install the fences
13:12 using a post knocker I'd nicked from Caleb's yard.
13:16 Right. So what we need to do is get that pin...
13:20 - In the middle. - ...into there.
13:22 - OK. Ooh, wow. - We happy?
13:28 - Yeah. - Oh, nice.
13:30 Can you imagine putting someone's head there?
13:33 - Gone. - Gangs of London.
13:36 - Gangs of London, this would be a great one. - We should do Gangs of Chipping North.
13:39 Put people's heads on it.
13:42 - Shall I put these every three metres? - Yeah.
13:46 It really is raining now and officially night.
13:57 I've done the maths.
13:58 And we're going to have to put in 75 fence posts
14:01 before we start putting the actual fencing up, yeah?
14:04 We're not quick, but it is our first day.
14:07 And I think we can be proud of ourselves.
14:10 Right, we've got to thread this through here.
14:20 Yeah.
14:23 Ooh, that was juicy.
14:25 Right, now, here we go.
14:27 When I drive forwards, it's going to tension it.
14:31 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:42 - Jeremy. - Whoa.
14:44 - You pulled it over. - What?
14:47 I was screaming at you and you pulled it over.
14:51 I was screaming at you and you can't hear.
14:53 - What have I pulled over? - You pulled the last post over.
14:57 Aegis.
14:59 Fucking ripped the whole thing up.
15:03 You were meant to be looking at me.
15:08 - We could have spoken on the phone. - We can all blame each other.
15:11 I was trying to make sure the thing wasn't bobbling at the front.
15:14 We blame each other.
15:16 We're going to have to put the corner post in a different...
15:19 This is more of a problem. No, stop just for a second.
15:21 The corner post has to go there to be in line with that and in line with this.
15:25 And we've loosened the ground up, haven't we?
15:27 We have. Yeah, we have.
15:30 When the fences were all up,
15:34 we quickly discovered we'd given ourselves a problem.
15:37 Hang on, let's think about this.
15:40 Have you opened that one?
15:42 Yep.
15:48 Right, so we have to open this one first.
15:49 Or we have to take this one off. Do we?
15:51 Well, if we open this one first...
15:53 No, it's...
15:56 - We fucked up. - I know we did.
15:58 - That pen should have been... - So take that off.
16:00 Yes.
16:02 Despite the setbacks, though,
16:04 we managed, without Caleb or Charlie, to finish the pens.
16:08 And then we had to start work on the pig houses,
16:12 which came with my least favourite thing,
16:16 an instruction manual.
16:18 For this to this, it's 30... Fuck off, 30 minutes, my arse.
16:22 That goes on there, like that, yeah?
16:25 It's like IKEA, but for pigs.
16:28 - Yeah? - Uh-huh. Yeah.
16:31 Is that on the... Is that on the... Where it's painted?
16:34 - OK. - Perfect.
16:37 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - What?
16:42 There's no door. We're supposed to use that.
16:45 Oh, those go there.
16:47 Jesus.
16:49 - OK. - I just picked up the newest bit of wood.
16:51 I didn't realise you needed a door, but pigs need doors.
16:54 We've got to swivel it around, haven't we?
16:56 - We've now been exactly half an hour. - Right.
16:59 Sansa, Aria.
17:02 Oh, I'm going backwards.
17:04 Sansa, Aria.
17:06 Come here.
17:08 Sansa, Aria.
17:10 Dogs.
17:12 Oh, they're here.
17:15 Sit.
17:16 Sit.
17:18 Aria, sit.
17:20 Sit.
17:23 Sit.
17:25 Oh, God.
17:27 Right, look, with its firm-ish...
17:30 That's good, let's get one. Next one.
17:32 I can't remember how many days it's taken us to build this pig.
17:43 Migration centre.
17:44 But we have pretty much done it.
17:47 Yep.
17:50 Perfect.
17:52 I am actually feeling really rather pleased with that.
17:59 If there's any pig farmers watching who want to write in,
18:02 do mark your envelope.
18:05 Yeah, we were impressed as well.
18:07 Diddly Squat Farm, Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire.
18:12 But despite our best efforts,
18:14 the pig hotel wasn't quite finished by the time our guests arrived.
18:19 - I'm Jeremy. - Hello, Jeremy.
18:24 - How are you? This is Lisa. - Hello.
18:26 - Hello, there. How are you? - Nice to meet you.
18:28 - Nice to meet you, too. - Hi, there.
18:30 - Hi, I'm Peter. - Nice to meet you.
18:32 - Hi, Josh. Nice to meet you. - Hi, Josh. How are you?
18:34 - What have we got here? - Proper pig boards.
18:36 - What are they for? - Steer the pig to the right.
18:38 - Steer the pig to the right. - Right.
18:40 Steer the pigs in the paddocks so they don't run that way.
18:42 Oh, they use the... Oh, I see.
18:45 Oh, right. Easy. You can't put them on the lead.
18:48 I've seen "Babe".
18:50 I know how it works.
18:53 Piggies!
18:55 How old are these ones?
18:57 Are they what you call weaners or are they gilts?
19:00 Yeah, moving on from weaners to gilts here.
19:02 I can't wait to get them. Can we get them out?
19:04 Yeah.
19:06 Here they come!
19:09 Good pigs.
19:10 Oh, they are fantastic! Look at them.
19:15 You rare breed, you.
19:18 So those are... How old?
19:20 They're coming up to a year now.
19:22 - I love their socks they've got on. - I know!
19:25 But there's one... Oh, bigger pig.
19:29 Much bigger pig coming.
19:32 - Why is this one so much bigger? - She's much older.
19:35 - How old is she? - This is a breeding sow.
19:38 About two.
19:39 So she has had "Babe".
19:41 - They haven't met before. - Oh, haven't they?
19:43 No. So there might be a little of working who's who.
19:46 I'll keep these back, shall I?
19:48 - And they're all lady pigs. - All lady pigs.
19:50 Can you see they've got their hackles up on the back of their neck?
19:53 - Oh, like a dog. - That's how you know they're getting a bit grouchy with each other.
19:56 And they just don't like each other because...
19:59 They've not met before. They'll make friends soon.
20:01 - Oh, fight, fight, fight! - Be nice.
20:06 This is a proper...
20:07 She's much bigger than them as well, but they've got each other, so they'll stand their ground.
20:11 Shall we get the electric gates on?
20:15 - There you go. You're on now. - Yeah.
20:17 - We're on. So if they touch it now... - There you go. It's working.
20:21 - The electric fence is definitely on. - Yeah.
20:24 It was then time to put the young piglets in their compound.
20:29 - Ten in here for you. - I'm looking forward to this. This is going to be great.
20:34 Oh!
20:35 Come on, piggies! Welcome to Diddley Squat.
20:39 - They're gorgeous, aren't they? - Aren't they fantastic?
20:42 - Yeah, they're glorious. - Piggly Squat. That's what the herd's called.
20:46 - It's a superb breeding site. - When the sun shines on them, they look metallic.
20:50 Yeah, chestnut. They're like conkers.
20:53 Nobody here will remember the NSU R080.
20:56 There was a car called the NSU R080.
21:00 - You used to be able to get that in exactly the same colour. - Yeah, really.
21:03 - A sort of metallic bronze. - Yeah.
21:06 - He's already found the potatoes, look. - Yeah.
21:10 They're gorgeous. Oh, look at them running around. They like it.
21:13 - This is besides itself. - You're so cute.
21:21 - Aren't they just the best? - Yeah.
21:24 - It's potatoes, potatoes. - Look at them. They've gone mental.
21:29 It's lunch. It's literally lunch everywhere you look.
21:32 Look, they all follow each other. Oh, my God, they're so cute.
21:35 That one thinks it's a dog.
21:38 What are you all doing down there?
21:44 So how long are they here? A couple of months and then they go to the woods?
21:49 - Yeah. They winter up here. - Piggilies.
21:52 So they've eaten all the potatoes.
21:55 - And then they're off. - Piggilies Squat.
21:59 Finally, we had to release the last group of pigs into the pen where...
22:03 sex would take place.
22:06 So this, for the middle fields, is a sow, a gilt and a boar.
22:09 - A sow's had babies before, no? - Yeah. Gilt? - Gilt hasn't.
22:13 This is Mabel. She can be a bit cheeky.
22:16 - And Mabel is a sow? - Yes.
22:19 - Come on, Sarah. - Come on, Sarah.
22:22 - Come on, darling. Come, Piggie. - I do know the boar is called Ajax.
22:26 - Ajax? - Ajax.
22:28 - Here we go. - He's a young boar.
22:31 Here he is.
22:34 He's nowhere near as stocky as I thought he'd be.
22:37 - He's young, though. - Here he goes.
22:40 - Hello. Look at this. This is the meeting of... - Hello, sailor.
22:44 - Sarah and Ajax. - Love at first sight.
22:47 Oh, they're kissing.
22:50 There was, however, no time to enjoy this Mills and Boon moment.
22:56 Because we had to get the Thrupples' pig house built before nightfall.
23:01 Here comes your house, Ajax and Sarah and Mabel.
23:09 So if there's a big clonk, I can squidge a pig.
23:16 That's good.
23:20 It is now...
23:24 dark.
23:26 OK.
23:35 Uh-oh. The sow is now going to join Lisa.
23:39 - Let's see. OK. Let's see. - Oh, no.
23:42 More worryingly, here comes the boar.
23:45 - There he goes. - Oh, no, no, no.
23:48 - Not all of you. - No.
23:53 - Jeremy? - Um, Jesus.
23:56 The piggly squat pig settled down to the business of settling in.
24:20 # Pearls from a summer sea
24:23 # But all I can give you is a kiss in the morning and a sweet apology
24:28 # And tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day... #
24:34 I, meanwhile, crapped on with farming life,
24:38 which this week included one of Charlie's skull-numbing catch-ups.
24:42 If we were to plant woodland, there is the woodland carbon code.
24:47 So, the long and the short of it is we could put those into a herbal lay.
24:51 We have to tell Defra or Keen we need to make that application by the end of March.
24:55 So lots of form-filling, lots of...
24:58 They've all allocated a certain percentage of their income
25:01 to environmental, social and ESG governance.
25:04 You know, particularly the food industry, scope three,
25:07 they've all got to be carbon neutral...
25:10 And after I woke up two days later,
25:14 I was off to the mill to get some spelt wheat.
25:17 Right, I'll just load this grain lorry by myself,
25:21 because Caleb is still being a millennial.
25:24 There we go.
25:27 [Lorry engine]
25:30 [Lorry engine]
25:47 [Lorry engine]
25:50 Can we edit this out?
26:00 [Music]
26:04 A week after the pigs arrived, I took Lisa to see them,
26:14 because my breeding plans had hit a snag.
26:17 So, the big problem I've got is whenever you see the boar mounting that saddle...
26:26 How can I put this delicately? He can't reach.
26:30 Do you have to give him a hand?
26:33 Well, he's much smaller than she is.
26:36 So when he gets on her back, his penis isn't long enough
26:43 to get into her.
26:45 There's a way of working that out, isn't there?
26:49 Hello, pigs!
26:52 Luckily, we arrived just in time to see the little boar having yet another attempt
26:57 to mount the much bigger sow.
27:00 Well, there he goes.
27:03 But this is the problem, look. Look how much smaller he is.
27:07 He's too small.
27:09 It's not going in.
27:12 It's not in. It's not in, you blithering idiot.
27:14 It's not coming out either, to be honest.
27:17 His cock's come off. Where's it got... His cock's not coming out.
27:20 Come on!
27:22 Um...
27:26 I don't know what you do about this.
27:30 She's being very patient.
27:32 Well, she's desperate, but you have to move your feet forwards.
27:36 That was just the most terrible shagging ever.
27:42 He's desperately... She just pushed it.
27:44 Oh, no, you've electrocuted her.
27:47 Oh. Look, he's saying sorry.
27:50 We decided to leave him in the sex pen for another week
27:55 in the hope he'd get the birds and the bees sorted out.
27:59 This meant we could focus on other things, which was handy,
28:06 because a couple of days later...
28:10 Jeremy, a farmer down the road, brought some old friends back.
28:14 There you go. Look who it is!
28:18 Hello, sheeps!
28:20 A moment only slightly spoiled by a social faux pas.
28:27 Hello, Jeremy the Younger.
28:29 -How are you? -Good.
28:31 -Congratulations on your marriage. -Thank you.
28:34 -I didn't know. -We invited to the wedding, darling.
28:37 -I did know. -Yes.
28:39 Where are you going?
28:40 Then it was time to prep the barn
28:45 where our remaining cows would be living through the winter.
28:48 Another job where Caleb was conspicuous by his absence.
28:53 -He's better, fully recovered. -Yeah.
28:55 -So much better, he's gone on holiday. -You're joking.
28:58 -How long? -All week.
29:00 -What? -He's gone to Cornwall.
29:02 He'll get a nosebleed, because it's more than a mile from Chipping Norton.
29:06 He's gone in this weather. I suppose he thinks...
29:09 -Yeah? -His side of the farm, the arable side...
29:12 He can't do anything, so he may as well be on holiday.
29:15 -Our side of the farm... -I thought you were a farm manager.
29:17 The profitable side of the farm...
29:19 We have to put in a shift.
29:22 How did the world work without telehandlers? I do not know.
29:35 Yeah, forward.
29:36 -Yes! -Ha, ha, ha, ha!
29:43 -Come on, cows. -Gently.
29:50 Look, your hotel.
29:54 -Yeah. -Go on.
29:57 -That's the one. That's the one. -Oh, man.
30:02 -Yay! -I'll let you out in five months.
30:05 Look at that, Mr. Cow.
30:08 Okay. We're done.
30:10 Pretty idyllic summit that is. Look at that.
30:14 You look delicious.
30:19 We had to assume, while all this was going on,
30:31 that the boar had done his thing in the sex pen
30:34 and that we could now introduce him to the ladies in the next pen along.
30:39 Hello, pigbies.
30:43 This turned out to be one of the wettest and most confusing hours of my entire life.
30:50 There comes the rain again. Now.
30:54 Okay, Annie and Alex.
31:00 Oh, shit, this is like Tetris, wait.
31:02 -Well, it's really raining. -Okay.
31:07 Yeah.
31:09 This is heavy rain now.
31:11 -Quickly, do it, do it, do it. -Really?
31:14 -Yes. -Yes, well done, Lisa.
31:16 -Well done, you. -Oh!
31:18 It's attached somehow to the electric.
31:21 Can you stop the pegs coming out?
31:23 It's only a... It's just a clearing up shower.
31:29 That doesn't work.
31:30 You're dead right.
31:33 -You have to un... -I know we didn't measure it properly, did we?
31:37 No, we didn't. We didn't.
31:39 Okay, quickly, open that one.
31:44 Open that one.
31:46 And I'll somehow get the boar without the...
31:51 -We only need the one with the penis. -Oh, okay.
31:55 -Not her. -There you go.
31:57 -Not this one. -Oh, shit, no, fuck!
31:59 -Where's that one come from? -What?
32:02 -And that one with the gilts got in. -Which was which now?
32:05 Which one was it?
32:07 Uh, this one?
32:09 Yeah, this one, the little ginger.
32:12 The little... Well, we've got to get that back.
32:14 Oh, Christ.
32:16 I fucking hate farming.
32:18 Come on. Come on.
32:20 No, no, stop it.
32:24 Stop it. Go. No.
32:26 Go. No, stop. You, stop. Stop. Stop.
32:29 As I tried to grab the young filly, the older lady pig,
32:33 got cross that her boyfriend was suddenly interested in a slimmer alternative.
32:38 No, no, stop it. She's jealous.
32:41 He's going to pork her.
32:44 He's on already.
32:46 But the big sow wants to be porked. Look.
32:49 Look, if I pretend to be jagging her here,
32:55 she's going to leave that one alone, right?
32:57 Yes, we've got to keep this one.
32:59 No, look, look, she's jealous.
33:01 The only solution was to distract the older sow with something better than sex.
33:06 Have a ginger nut biscuit.
33:08 -No, she... -Look at this.
33:10 She doesn't know it's not the boar now.
33:12 You see, I'm trying to spot him. He's cocked. Yes, he's cocked out.
33:16 -Okay. -He's cocked out.
33:18 And in. It's in.
33:20 -Because she doesn't know... -No, let him finish.
33:22 -That I'm not... No, but I... -No, let him just finish.
33:24 Get the biscuits, darling. Get the biscuits.
33:26 Which one for?
33:28 -For this one. -Look, she's fascinated by the whole thing.
33:31 No, look, don't put your face in... Oh, Christ.
33:34 Here, have a biscuit.
33:36 -Oh, God. -It's the longest... Come on, man.
33:39 Jeremy, I think you should be doing this bit.
33:42 Has he not finished yet?
33:46 Jeremy, can you do on the back of her, please?
33:48 And I'll do the biscuits.
33:50 Come here. Right.
33:53 She's got to think that she's having sex.
33:54 And I'm now giving her that impression, according to my book.
33:58 Oh, she's having a biscuit and sex simultaneously.
34:02 And she prefers biscuits.
34:04 -Here, biscuits, biscuits. -Will you hurry up?
34:07 Honestly.
34:09 You having sex?
34:11 Lovely and romantic. It's very wide.
34:22 No, don't. Just listen. Pay attention to the pig.
34:24 -Here, biscuits, biscuits. -Don't interrupt.
34:26 Don't pull it out.
34:28 He must finish in a minute.
34:31 Oh, he's had huge quantities of sperm.
34:36 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
34:38 Back it goes. The pork screw is away.
34:40 Okay, quickly.
34:42 Eventually, we got all the pigs sexed and back to where they were supposed to be.
34:47 And I could relax.
34:49 [PIG SNORTING]
34:50 Oh, shit.
34:53 What the hell?
34:56 What the hell is that?
35:00 Has one of the pigs been sick in my pocket?
35:05 You're kidding.
35:07 -Look. -What the...
35:09 [PIG SNORTING]
35:11 What the bloody hell's that?
35:14 Is that... Is it...
35:16 [PIG SNORTING]
35:18 Oh, for fuck's sake.
35:20 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
35:25 It was now almost two months since the other Donny boy had planted his wheat and beans in the field.
35:46 And Charlie reckoned we should check up on how his regenerative farming was going.
35:51 So, can I just ask, Charlie, all the stuff that looks like grass...
35:57 -Isn't grass. That's wheat. -Yeah.
35:59 That's wheat. And then these here, they're beans.
36:03 -Were beans. -Oh, look. I picked up the roots.
36:05 That's quite exciting.
36:07 And this is what Caleb said won't work, but it is working.
36:10 -He said the drill wouldn't work. -Well, it has.
36:12 -Correct. -That's bloody good, isn't it?
36:15 -Yeah. -Who knew?
36:16 Old Groove Armada. He's done a good job in here, hasn't he?
36:19 Well, it looks okay. And then...
36:21 Look. There's no disease. They're clean.
36:24 Look at all those worms, Jeremy.
36:26 -That's what he'll get excited about. -Oh, he will?
36:29 Yeah. Earthworms.
36:31 Do you know what this shows?
36:33 It shows that you've uprooted a perfectly healthy plant.
36:36 -Thus depriving you of some cash. -There's some nodules on there.
36:38 Since we're here, we might as well have a biology lesson.
36:40 There's some nodules on here.
36:43 And that's the bit that the magic happens in the legume,
36:45 where it makes nitrogen from the atmosphere
36:48 and stores it in the plant.
36:50 So that's what we're trying to do, isn't it?
36:52 Well, not in the plant. Back in the soil, is it?
36:54 This won't release the soil till we kill it and destroy it.
36:57 But they've gone pink. See how it's fleshy pink in there?
37:00 -Yeah. -Which means they're active.
37:03 So the bacteria in your soil are making nitrogen.
37:06 A man from Groove Armada is making nitrogen in my soil.
37:11 Nobody's ever said that before. It's never been used as a sentence.
37:14 Charlie and I then headed to the office
37:19 to discuss the council's enforcement notice,
37:22 which didn't just shut down the restaurant.
37:26 It made running the farm shop nigh on impossible as well.
37:30 They wanted us to close the small bar
37:34 where customers could buy my Hawkston beer.
37:38 They didn't want us parking cars in the fields
37:41 and said the loos had to go.
37:44 And worst of all, they were insisting we shut the burger van...
37:49 Check on one burger, two truffle, one chilli. Thank you very much.
37:53 ..which was now the only realistic way of selling our meat.
37:58 Thank you very much. Thank you.
38:00 The restaurant, I could never see that coming back.
38:06 But we had to do something to protect our shop.
38:09 Farm shop.
38:12 Farm shop, we've got some choices to make.
38:15 OK.
38:17 If they make that enforcement notice stay, no car parking,
38:20 they'll ban parking on the road
38:22 and we won't be able to sell anything other than an apple.
38:25 So I was thinking, why don't we try and move the farm shop up here?
38:31 That's out of Chadlington's parish council area
38:35 and more importantly, this bit isn't in the area of outstanding natural beauty.
38:39 No.
38:41 So what if we put it there? We just close it down here,
38:44 massive losses with all of the work we've done,
38:47 getting power there, getting the loos installed,
38:51 concrete floor, everything, building the shop itself.
38:54 Yeah.
38:56 So why don't we go to the council and say,
38:58 how would you feel if we moved the shop into the top end of the farm?
39:01 So I get the theory, I get the logic,
39:04 but...
39:05 I knew there'd be a but.
39:07 There's no guarantee that they will grant permission here.
39:10 So what we should do is, personally I feel...
39:15 You think fight it?
39:17 I don't think fight's necessarily the right word.
39:19 It's the emotive word, but actually what I think we should do
39:21 is put our views across in a sensible, logical, objective way,
39:25 which has not been...
39:27 Fight the fuckers.
39:29 Which has not been done...
39:31 Hammer them into the ground like tent pegs.
39:33 Which probably we do need to be more forceful than others.
39:35 Yeah.
39:37 And such as, you know...
39:39 Lava trees.
39:41 Well, they say we can't have a lava tree.
39:43 So when you're a shop girl then, you're not allowed to go to the...
39:46 Well, there won't be a lava tree.
39:48 Or a shop boy. You could be either.
39:50 It's more difficult.
39:52 A boy can go behind a bush and...
39:54 If you're working there and you need to go to the loo,
39:56 you have to get in the car, close the shop,
39:58 come all the way down, back up.
40:00 So there is a problem.
40:02 So what we do...
40:03 Not move it.
40:05 Not move it, speak to a barrister...
40:07 Not fight them.
40:09 And then we put in a robust, objective response.
40:12 Robust.
40:14 Yes.
40:16 Well, I've been watching Yellowstone.
40:18 And then when somebody displeases them, they murder them,
40:20 take them across the straight line and throw them into a ravine.
40:23 I've been looking at that scene a lot.
40:30 So I went to his own office to start work on the appeal.
40:33 And while he did that,
40:38 Lisa and I went back to the muddy business of pig farming.
40:42 Oh, shit. Look at this.
40:48 I was stuck as a don't know what.
40:57 Stuck into the mud.
40:58 Yeah, this is...
41:00 They're coming out to see the show.
41:02 Yes, they're coming out to laugh at me.
41:04 Look, they are...
41:06 Look, look at them.
41:08 Look at them.
41:10 They're hilarious little ears.
41:12 They're going to line up and laugh at us.
41:14 They're growing so fast, aren't they?
41:16 They really are, yeah.
41:18 Right.
41:21 I think we're going to have to accept
41:23 this is going to stay here until either
41:25 we get some frost or...
41:27 No, I'm going to get the tractor. We can pull it out of that.
41:30 As I returned with the Lambo,
41:33 Lisa and I got a bit of a surprise.
41:36 Hi, Lisa.
41:39 Oh, hey, Kay.
41:41 How are the hounds?
41:43 Judith, you're back.
41:45 Judith?
41:47 Judith Chalmers.
41:49 Who's that?
41:51 Holiday person.
41:54 Holiday person?
41:55 Not bad, right?
41:57 Not bad?
41:59 Yeah, look.
42:01 Well, last time I see this field
42:03 was a lovely potato field.
42:05 I know, but now look at it.
42:07 It's a massive pig enterprise.
42:09 That was brilliant, wasn't it?
42:11 Firstly,
42:13 firstly, hear me out.
42:15 Who the fuck done the fencing?
42:17 We did.
42:19 Who's we?
42:21 Lisa and me.
42:23 We got the whole fencing done.
42:24 Look at it.
42:26 What's the matter with it?
42:28 Well, firstly, it hasn't even got all the posts the same height.
42:30 Well, that doesn't matter, Caleb.
42:32 It does.
42:34 And there's the road, look. Again, I can't...
42:36 Don't be picky.
42:38 What's the matter with the road?
42:40 Well, everyone can see it. It looks shit.
42:42 Look, look. Look down that line.
42:44 Did you use a string line or not?
42:46 What?
42:48 Did you use a string line?
42:49 We didn't really have time for that.
42:52 But not one has escaped.
42:53 We put a sign on the road saying,
42:55 "Caleb built these fences."
42:57 It's just all brilliant.
42:59 The pigs look amazing, actually.
43:01 Let me explain how it works,
43:03 just because I've been reading a book.
43:05 We've got the wieners there.
43:07 Yeah.
43:09 We've got the boar,
43:11 and two sows in here.
43:13 But we started there,
43:15 and then we put him in there with three sows.
43:17 Hang on.
43:19 So he's now done the lot.
43:22 Honestly, there's been pig orgy going on.
43:24 You put the boar in here,
43:26 and then in a weak space,
43:28 you put it in with the other lot?
43:30 Yeah.
43:32 What's wrong with that?
43:34 No, you're joking. You're kidding.
43:37 Please tell me you're lying.
43:39 No.
43:41 Have you counted their nipples?
43:43 No.
43:45 A pig's got like 14 nipples.
43:47 They have litters of like 10 to 14.
43:50 But that's what I've done it.
43:51 Yeah, but you space it out a little bit.
43:53 You don't have 50 piglets at the same time.
43:56 You're going to have 50 small little piglets
43:59 running around at the same time.
44:01 Honestly.
44:03 Fucking hell.
44:05 I'd be highly cautious about doing anything around these banks.
44:11 Oh, yeah.
44:13 Shit.
44:16 I've never seen incompetence like it.
44:19 Oh.
44:20 I'm flabbergasted.
44:25 [Music]
44:27 [Music]
44:29 [Music]
44:30 (upbeat rock music)
44:33 (upbeat rock music)
44:36 (upbeat rock music)
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44:52 (upbeat rock music)
44:55 (upbeat rock music)
44:58 (upbeat rock music)
45:01 (upbeat rock music)
45:04 (upbeat rock music)
45:07 [BLANK_AUDIO]
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45:37 [BLANK_AUDIO]