Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 03- Jobbing
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 03- Jobbing
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TVTranscript
00:00 (dramatic music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:08 - Go along the top now.
00:24 This one will probably go back on itself.
00:26 Three.
00:27 - I don't need to throw it, I'm here.
00:29 - Yeah, I have to swing it though.
00:30 - Yeah, no, but I'm tall.
00:31 - This is a big day, this.
00:33 - How many tractors?
00:34 - 100 tractors.
00:35 - 100 tractors?
00:36 - 100 tractors, all for charity.
00:39 - Do you go under the sunroof or?
00:41 - No, not through there.
00:42 I'd much rather do this with my friends, not you.
00:46 - Everyone heard that, didn't they?
00:50 Did everyone heard that Christmas good cheer
00:53 from Caleb Cooper?
00:55 - I need a cable tie.
00:57 - I've never known how they work.
00:59 I'd be a useless policeman.
01:01 - There you go.
01:03 - That's it?
01:03 - That's it.
01:04 - I could be a policeman.
01:05 - Say it.
01:06 Say the whole, you know the thing.
01:08 - I did a thing?
01:09 (laughing)
01:11 (upbeat music)
01:15 (car horn honking)
01:27 (upbeat music)
01:31 (crowd cheering)
01:33 ♪ I wish you a hopeful Christmas ♪
01:37 ♪ I wish you a great new year ♪
01:42 ♪ All that anguish, pain and sadness ♪
01:46 ♪ Leave your heart and let your road be clear ♪
01:50 ♪ They said there'd be snow at Christmas ♪
01:54 ♪ They said there'd be peace on earth ♪
01:57 ♪ Hallelujah, now I know ♪
01:59 ♪ We'll have a good time ♪
02:02 ♪ Christmas will be a good time ♪
02:06 - The annual Christmas tractor run
02:09 heralded the start of the Yuletide festivities.
02:13 (upbeat music)
02:15 And as everyone settled down in front of the boxing day
02:25 telly in their snazzy new jumpers, I didn't.
02:30 (upbeat music)
02:33 Normally I'd be thinking about
02:36 which party shall I go to this evening
02:38 and where shall I go tomorrow lunchtime?
02:40 All I'm doing now is thinking,
02:42 have the pigs got water, have the cows got hay?
02:45 Morning pigs, ready for some food?
02:51 (pigs grunting)
02:54 With dogs.
02:55 Well out you go, out you go.
02:57 (pigs grunting)
03:00 Feeling peckish?
03:03 Ready, steady, and, oh, she's going.
03:08 Oi, move out.
03:10 Come on.
03:11 Give you a bit here.
03:13 There we go.
03:15 And then, dog, get out.
03:19 Sansa, heel, heel.
03:21 How have you got in here?
03:24 How did they get in?
03:26 (pigs grunting)
03:28 It's Christmas time.
03:30 Come on, weaners.
03:33 Come on, weaners.
03:35 Come on.
03:37 Food time.
03:38 Harriet, Sansa, heel, heel.
03:41 Come out, dogs.
03:43 Excellent.
03:47 Now then.
03:49 (pigs grunting)
03:52 (pig thudding)
03:55 Come on.
04:01 Well done, come on.
04:03 I want to know how they can both do that,
04:09 but they won't jump into the back of the Range Rover.
04:11 Come on, Sansa, in.
04:13 Sansa, get in.
04:16 In.
04:17 Come on.
04:18 Get in.
04:20 Sansa, in.
04:22 Oh, you are such a clown.
04:24 (pigs grunting)
04:27 (upbeat music)
04:30 However, while Christmas was busy,
04:37 I did manage to get away for a week in the new year.
04:40 Hello, piggies.
04:45 And when I returned,
04:47 pig sitter Caleb had some surprising news.
04:51 How was holiday?
04:52 Brilliant.
04:53 How have the pigs been?
04:54 Yeah, been a bit of an interesting experience
04:57 looking after them while you've been away.
04:59 What?
05:00 We got five piglets.
05:02 What?
05:03 We got five little piglets.
05:04 Piglets?
05:05 Yeah, piglets, five.
05:07 All doing really well.
05:08 Well, how's that happened?
05:10 I don't know.
05:11 What happened?
05:12 They only got mated.
05:13 Well, you-- A month ago?
05:15 So she was pregnant when I bought her.
05:17 Yeah.
05:17 They were sold as empty.
05:19 Well, you've had a deal and a half then,
05:21 'cause you've got five little piglets
05:22 that you didn't know about.
05:24 Hello.
05:25 Oh, look.
05:26 Oh, they're adorable.
05:30 They're cute, aren't they?
05:32 Well done, mum.
05:33 Oh, look at you.
05:36 Look at you.
05:38 Oh, look.
05:40 Look.
05:42 Oh.
05:44 (laughing)
05:46 They're better than sheep, aren't they?
05:49 Yes.
05:50 Yes.
05:51 Your mother's really not bothered, is she?
05:54 Look at--
05:55 Hello, you.
05:56 As they had sticky up ears,
06:00 it was quickly obvious the father hadn't been
06:03 a pedigree sandy and black,
06:05 but whoever he was,
06:07 he'd produced some very brilliant offspring.
06:10 Come on, put them back down.
06:12 So they live in there for how long?
06:14 They'll be in there for another--
06:15 Well, we'll move them into the other place, won't we?
06:17 Well, yeah, we've got to get them out of your field
06:19 and into the woods.
06:20 Yeah.
06:21 I do want to get them out of this field
06:22 because it's bleak for them up here.
06:24 Oh, look at the really small one.
06:27 She is properly little.
06:30 You got him?
06:30 Look at the micro pig.
06:34 It's nice and warm.
06:36 There's all the run.
06:38 Oh, but she's just--
06:39 Look at her little nose.
06:42 It's like a proud parent.
06:42 Smiling.
06:43 Proud parent.
06:44 (laughing)
06:47 Sadly, this happy moment was short-lived
06:51 because the next day, a little runt piggy went missing.
06:54 And if you don't want to know what happened,
06:59 put your fingers in your ears now.
07:02 I just find it incredible that a pig won't eat an onion,
07:05 but it will eat its own child.
07:07 I know, I know.
07:09 The only thing they don't eat is teeth.
07:11 But they won't have teeth.
07:13 Well, there's no teeth in there.
07:15 There's just a bit of an ear.
07:16 (gasping)
07:18 That's all there was.
07:20 That's how I know it was eaten.
07:22 My first thought was it's been taken by a red kite
07:24 or a buzzard or something,
07:26 but there's no way it could have got into the pig loop.
07:28 It was poorly anyway.
07:29 That's very sad.
07:31 I just hope it was dead before she ate it.
07:34 Oh, stop.
07:35 For now, though, we'd have to put the pig cannibalism
07:41 to one side because if Caleb was right
07:44 and a piglet tsunami was on its way,
07:47 we'd have to get their new home built in the woods sharpish.
07:52 We're gonna have this fence here.
07:54 It's gonna have a gate there, a gate there,
07:56 and a gate there.
07:56 It's 80 meters.
07:57 Yep.
07:58 So this one gate accesses that and that.
08:01 That one does that and that.
08:02 Put a new fence along there and up,
08:06 which is easily done, yes?
08:08 Yep.
08:08 So we're gonna measure out 80 meters.
08:10 Hang on.
08:11 That's perfect, isn't it?
08:14 And Gerald can keep an eye on them.
08:16 Gerald, your lovely woodland...
08:18 Nice southwesterly blowing.
08:20 'Cause Gerald's only,
08:22 Gerald's house is not very far away.
08:25 He's gonna have some pig hearts.
08:29 Oh, bless him.
08:30 Hey, actually, talking of Gerald.
08:32 He had his up, didn't he?
08:34 Yeah, he had his up three days ago.
08:36 Yeah, he rang, he...
08:37 Oh, you talked to him?
08:38 Yeah, I spoke to him two days ago.
08:39 I'm gonna take him some pork.
08:41 He wants some belly pork,
08:42 so he must be feeling a little bit better.
08:44 Apparently.
08:46 He seems happier now, actually, as well.
08:46 No, the word is he's on the mend.
08:49 That's what we like to hear.
08:50 There's a few walls fell down,
08:52 so we need to be back at it.
08:52 I know.
08:53 We do want him back.
08:54 With the plans agreed,
08:57 we had to start by trimming the overhead branches
09:01 so they wouldn't get in our way.
09:03 And because this is a TV show,
09:06 that meant plenty of fuss from health and safety.
09:09 (metal clanking)
09:12 All right, Jesus Christ, manhandling me.
09:17 And then, to make sure you can't escape.
09:20 I can't do this, take it off.
09:25 What?
09:26 I can't have it on.
09:28 You can't not have it on because we're being filmed.
09:32 We ready?
09:33 Looking good.
09:34 (engine revving)
09:39 You managed, Lisa?
09:40 Yep.
09:41 (engine revving)
09:44 I think we're done.
09:47 We're done.
09:47 There you go, princess.
09:53 Thanks.
09:54 (metal clanking)
09:56 (groaning)
09:58 Shit, you all right?
09:59 You all right?
10:03 No, he forgot he was attached.
10:05 Oh shit, you forgot you were tethered?
10:06 Yeah.
10:07 Just come back a little bit, okay?
10:08 You hit your head?
10:09 Just come back a little bit.
10:10 Oh, I need you down a little bit further.
10:12 No, it's hard to, I've got to look at my, no, it's okay.
10:14 Just step up a little bit.
10:15 So, let's be brutally honest.
10:17 With your hand way back.
10:18 It was the health and safety equipment that has injured him.
10:20 We've got a breeze coming up already.
10:22 I did exactly the same thing, remember?
10:23 There you go.
10:24 Yeah, you did it.
10:25 Yeah.
10:26 I think that we've got to get rid of all health
10:27 and safety equipment off the farm.
10:28 It's really injuring people.
10:30 Luckily, Caleb's skull was thicker than the cage it had hit.
10:35 So work continued.
10:37 (upbeat music)
10:40 Keep going, keep going, keep going.
10:43 Come up to me a little bit.
10:48 However, while building the new pig houses,
10:54 I was reminded that the woods were in urgent need
10:58 of some maintenance.
10:59 And the main job, as I discovered back in the autumn,
11:04 was repairing a rapidly collapsing dam.
11:07 This is supposed to all be filled with gravel
11:13 and the gravel has all been washed away.
11:15 There should be five railway sleepers there.
11:19 And then the water goes into the pipe and comes out there.
11:24 If I don't mend this, when the rains start again,
11:29 this will all be washed away and the pond will go.
11:31 There'll be nowhere for the trout
11:33 or the kingfishers that live here,
11:34 the ducks that live here.
11:36 I've got to mend it.
11:38 (soft music)
11:42 However, I was now wise enough to know
11:53 that before doing anything like this
11:55 in a wooded environment full of mices and voles,
11:59 I'd need to consult with Mr. No-No-No himself.
12:03 - Morning, Tom.
12:06 - Morning, Jeremy.
12:08 - How are you?
12:09 - I'm all right, yeah, good to see you.
12:09 - You as well.
12:11 What, dogs, come here.
12:13 Heel.
12:14 I just want to, I'm training them, hang on, sorry.
12:17 - Well, I understand that you have some plans
12:21 to do some works around.
12:22 - Heel.
12:23 - It's rather fetching little pond down here.
12:24 - No, no, no.
12:25 (water splashing)
12:26 Sansa, how are you?
12:27 Heel.
12:29 - Are you planning to come down here?
12:31 - My plan is, okay, here's what I want to do.
12:33 I just want to be able to get along here
12:34 'cause I've got to be able to mend that dam.
12:36 - Okay.
12:37 - Which is, as you can see, is broken.
12:38 - Right.
12:39 - Predictably, Tom's red flags were already out in force.
12:44 - So you've got some previous kind of evidence here
12:49 of having some crayfish.
12:51 - Oh, I think there's loads in here, American ones.
12:54 - Yep, yeah, North American signal, yep.
12:57 - And they're the bad ones.
12:58 - They are the bad ones, yep.
12:59 - That have killed all our English ones.
13:01 - Yep.
13:02 - Now the gray squirrels of the crayfish world.
13:04 - Yeah, effectively, yeah, yeah.
13:05 - Is that right?
13:06 - Well, they're nastier.
13:07 - How big are they?
13:08 I've never actually seen one.
13:09 - 16 to 18 centimeters, like the bigger males.
13:12 - What's that in English?
13:13 - They can grow up to about this big.
13:16 - What, they're like lobsters?
13:17 - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:18 You're gonna see the aggressive males first.
13:20 - How aggressive are they?
13:21 - Super aggressive, they eat their own young.
13:23 - Yeah, a lot of that going on at the moment.
13:27 - 'Cause I've been told there are crayfish in here
13:29 and I was going to catch them
13:32 and then sell them in the shop.
13:34 - Yeah, you can't do that, yeah.
13:36 - Prison sentences?
13:37 - Yeah, yeah, there's prison sentences for that and a fine.
13:40 - Yeah.
13:41 - I think it's about 2,500 quid.
13:43 - 2,000, so if I were to catch one of these crayfish,
13:46 then I could be fined 2,500 pounds.
13:48 - Yeah, yeah, essentially a prison term as well.
13:50 - And possible prison, possible, possible prison.
13:52 - The scale of the situation, yeah.
13:55 Another problem you have is I can see some evidence
13:57 that some of the banks are eroded.
13:59 That's the biggest kind of issue.
14:00 - Oh, they're eating the banks?
14:02 - Yep, with these crayfish burrowing into these banks
14:05 'cause they can burrow about two meters
14:07 at water level back in, right?
14:09 And then it can be quite a complex set of burrows
14:11 that they've got.
14:13 If you're gonna bring machinery down,
14:15 you need to be really careful how close you get
14:16 to some of these banks because they might just give away.
14:18 - In case I squash an invasive crayfish.
14:20 - Yeah, 'cause you might end up with your machinery
14:21 in the lake, which we don't want.
14:23 So I'd be highly cautious about doing anything
14:26 around these banks.
14:28 - How would you recommend I did this work?
14:32 - Like my preference would be that a lot of this
14:33 would be more manual than heavy machinery, to be honest.
14:36 That's the safest way of doing it.
14:37 - With Tom's advice about not using heavy machinery
14:43 taken on board, I set to work.
14:47 (engine rumbling)
14:51 (engine revving)
14:53 - Oh yeah.
15:00 We taught you through it.
15:01 Italian made, low center of gravity, top speed,
15:06 four kilometers an hour.
15:07 That's twice as fast as a snail.
15:11 Speed though was not its party trick.
15:17 No, what Wally, the radio controlled robo-mulcher does best
15:22 is clear away absolutely everything in its path.
15:28 (engine revving)
15:32 Holy moly!
15:33 What manner of thing is this?
15:41 Bloody hell, fire.
15:45 (laughing)
15:47 This is a destroyer of worlds.
15:50 (engine revving)
15:53 They could have had HS2 built in about 20 minutes
15:58 if they'd had one of these.
16:00 (engine revving)
16:03 Forward!
16:04 (laughing)
16:08 I can't even see what it's doing in there.
16:14 (engine revving)
16:18 There's a whole new game.
16:18 This is when you can't see where it's gone,
16:20 you just only use sound to hear what it's doing.
16:23 Oh shit in hell.
16:30 Fuck.
16:38 So I've broken the one bit of dam that remained.
16:44 Shit.
16:45 However, despite the terrible damage I've caused over there,
16:52 I have...
16:52 Ow!
16:53 Blinded myself.
16:58 But apart from the light blinding and the damaged dam,
17:02 I have finally, after two or three years,
17:05 opened up this dam again so we can effect a repair.
17:09 (dramatic music)
17:14 Caleb then joined me to get the ball rolling.
17:18 And to begin with, everything went swimmingly.
17:21 We dug through the subsoil to get at the farm's
17:25 seemingly limitless supply of waterproof clay.
17:29 Juicy clay.
17:30 Which we'd use to create the dam.
17:35 Go on, keep going.
17:39 We then took the old pipe out.
17:42 Stop.
17:44 Gravity.
17:45 Easy transportation.
17:46 And manoeuvred the new pipe into place.
17:51 Keep going that way.
17:52 Yay, look at that!
17:55 That's bang on.
17:55 But from that moment on, the arguing started.
18:00 Because when it came to dam building, we both knew best.
18:05 Look, you see how it's sat in the channel?
18:06 We've just got a field of clay in there now, haven't we?
18:09 No, you're gonna have to lift this up.
18:12 But it isn't just a little bit.
18:14 It's a precise measurement.
18:15 We've just got to lift this up a little bit with the clay.
18:17 We can do that by hand though.
18:18 No.
18:19 And then bed it with clay.
18:20 Yes, but you say a little bit.
18:22 But not like a little bit.
18:23 I'm talking about that much higher.
18:25 You don't want to be that much.
18:27 It will.
18:28 I reckon that much.
18:29 No, that's wrong.
18:30 You're wrong.
18:31 When we get the right height, Caleb.
18:33 We just, honestly, take them out.
18:34 Just please, please listen, please.
18:37 The bottom of this has to be an inch below
18:39 the level of the overflow pipe.
18:42 Yes.
18:45 I know how to do it, but you just keep like,
18:47 shutting me down.
18:48 To settle the dispute,
18:50 we installed a laser measuring device.
18:53 And after that, we started building a temporary dam
18:58 to create a dry working area for the proper dam,
19:02 which is when the squabbling got worse.
19:05 No, please, no, leave those, leave those.
19:08 I'm going to need them to build our top off.
19:10 We're going to put it there, look.
19:11 Please don't, please stop interfering.
19:13 So sensitive all the time.
19:17 Thank you.
19:19 How many more do you need?
19:22 Don't touch the laser.
19:36 Don't touch the laser thing.
19:39 Oh, God's truth.
19:40 Oh, no, don't hit the laser.
19:43 Oh, for fuck's sake.
19:47 I've never seen incompetence like it.
19:52 Why didn't I do, oh.
19:58 Oh, God.
20:00 Right, can you put it on crab steer?
20:06 - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:07 - At the minute, you've got the wheels doing that.
20:09 You want to get them all turning the same way?
20:12 - Yeah.
20:13 - That's not crab steer.
20:17 You're not in crab steer.
20:20 No, Caleb, stop it.
20:21 You've got to get it in crab steer.
20:24 Don't move it until you get it in crab steer.
20:26 - It's in crab steer,
20:30 but I cannot turn the steering wheel, watch.
20:34 (engine rumbling)
20:37 - Please put it in crab steer.
20:39 - It's in crab steer.
20:42 I just cannot move.
20:43 No, you have to turn the steering wheel
20:45 to lock it into crab steer.
20:47 - Jesus Christ.
20:54 - You're going to have to get a chain
20:56 to unlock that branch off.
20:58 (engine revving)
21:02 - Don't worry, Caleb.
21:03 I'm on my way to rescue you from your own incompetence.
21:07 Where would you go?
21:08 Here?
21:09 - At the knuckle.
21:11 - No.
21:12 - At the knuckle.
21:13 - Here.
21:16 (engine revving)
21:19 - You idiot.
21:26 - What?
21:27 - You meant to cut from the bottom.
21:28 (engine revving)
21:31 (tires screeching)
21:34 - Oh, fuck you.
21:39 You knew that was going to happen.
21:43 That wasn't funny.
21:45 - I told you to go around that side and cut.
21:48 I didn't do fuck all.
21:50 - You spent all morning throwing fucking rocks at me.
21:53 And now.
21:54 - Hello.
21:55 - The tree landed on my bloody head.
21:59 - Hi, what's going on?
22:01 - Oh, he's been, the fucking fetus is what's going on.
22:05 - You always think coming with a chainsaw.
22:07 You cut from the bottom because it was pinching.
22:10 - It pinched onto my head.
22:11 - No, it pinched the chainsaw blade.
22:14 Oh, it's fucking bullshit.
22:15 - What are we doing anyway?
22:18 - Oh, well, now I can explain that.
22:20 You'll be pleased.
22:21 Behold.
22:26 - Are you repairing the dam?
22:29 - Yes.
22:30 The pipe that was in there was all brokered.
22:32 So we've got that out.
22:34 We've got some clay to create a temporary dam
22:38 while we build the proper dam.
22:40 - Okay.
22:41 - But then the fetus,
22:42 who's only been driving for a few minutes,
22:44 has managed to drop the telehandler off the track.
22:47 - Yeah, that's.
22:49 - And then he went against the tree branch,
22:50 which I had to cut off.
22:51 And he thought it would be humorous
22:53 if I was cutting near the knuckle,
22:55 'cause he could see from the cab
22:57 that it would push it round and knock me over
22:59 with a running chainsaw.
23:00 - That's untrue.
23:01 - Yes, it's true.
23:02 - No, it's not.
23:03 - You were using a chainsaw?
23:04 - Yes.
23:05 - Like that?
23:06 - Well, I had a hat on.
23:07 - Fucking bullshit.
23:08 Safety trousers?
23:09 - With jeans?
23:12 - You could have cut your leg off.
23:13 - Well, I could have done, exactly.
23:14 But I wouldn't have done if it weren't for Caleb.
23:16 You're gonna have to seriously reprimand him.
23:18 - Well, I know I'm reprimanding you
23:19 for not wearing any technical.
23:20 - I was wearing, I had a visor.
23:23 - Yeah, and then you slip.
23:24 I mean, what is it? - I did slip.
23:25 - What's the weather?
23:26 - Sorry.
23:27 - But anyway, luckily that didn't happen.
23:29 - And why are we doing, I mean, I'm flabbergasted at how you,
23:34 how long has this taken to create this mess?
23:38 You are mending, fixing, repairing a dam
23:44 that is protecting, holding back water.
23:48 And if this goes wrong,
23:51 which there is a likelihood that it will, no offence,
23:54 straight down there, down the East End,
23:57 the only part of Channelington that actually quite likes you,
24:00 you're gonna flood.
24:03 And you haven't notified anybody.
24:05 It's a statutory requirement to notify the local authority.
24:09 You're gonna notify the West Oxfordshire District Council.
24:11 How'd you get on with them at the moment?
24:12 - Well, they're gonna say no, aren't they?
24:13 - Well, they are gonna say no,
24:15 because they're gonna say,
24:16 what precautions have you taken to stop a flood risk?
24:20 None, whatsoever.
24:23 (water gurgling)
24:26 - I've still got a chainsaw.
24:29 - If you had to use it while you'd be fine.
24:30 - Actually, it's a good job I've come.
24:33 - I'm speaking to him again.
24:36 - Stupid man.
24:37 - Oh, and the other thing.
24:38 - Oh, go on then.
24:39 - No, no, no, no, no,
24:40 it's just how are we gonna rectify this mess?
24:43 - What mess?
24:44 - This, look, you've chucked all the,
24:46 I mean, how are you gonna get that out?
24:47 You've just dumped rubbish in a watercourse.
24:50 What is that?
24:51 Any asbestos in there?
24:53 - No.
24:54 - Well, that brick rubble.
24:55 - That was already in there.
24:56 - Just blocking the, ah.
24:58 - Don't shout at me, shout at him.
24:59 - No, it's both of you.
25:00 - No, it's not me.
25:01 - Well, you're here.
25:02 - Well, you've got the digger in.
25:03 - 'Cause I get employed by him to do it.
25:04 - You're aiding and abetting him.
25:06 - I didn't do anything.
25:07 - He's farm manager.
25:08 - Sorry, it goes, the blame goes to me.
25:10 - Well, who was driving it?
25:11 You were.
25:12 - I did, Charlie, I said,
25:13 I don't think this is a good idea to bring this down here.
25:17 - It's not.
25:18 - It wasn't a good idea to do that.
25:20 (upbeat music)
25:23 (pig squealing)
25:26 - We decided after all this to stop damn work
25:31 until the ground was less muddy
25:33 and went back to installing the new fully insulated pig loos.
25:39 And when that was done,
25:42 it was time to move in the new residents.
25:45 - Right, let's get them back.
25:48 (pig squealing)
25:52 (man laughing)
25:53 - That's quite loud.
25:55 - Come on, pigs.
25:56 Come on, piggies.
25:57 - Yep.
26:00 (upbeat music)
26:02 - Go, go, go.
26:07 - Come on, there you go.
26:08 - Piggies.
26:10 - Look at this, a whole pig city.
26:14 Woodland pigs.
26:17 - Hey boys, look, there's snuffling around.
26:19 - They've started truffling already.
26:21 - Yes, look, they've all, look.
26:22 - Oh, look at their little faces.
26:26 I've got to be honest,
26:27 they look happier here than they did in there.
26:29 - I feel happy here looking at them.
26:31 - I do.
26:31 With the pigs settling into their new woodland home,
26:38 Caleb could have their old field back
26:41 so he could use it to make money
26:43 for his side of the operation.
26:45 - I'm going to clear this up, but I'm going to plant grass.
26:48 - What?
26:50 - I'm going to plant grass in here, make hay.
26:53 - Oh, hay.
26:53 - Yeah.
26:54 - Is hay really a good idea?
26:57 - I think so.
26:58 Three cuts, get 200 pound a ton.
27:01 So I'm going to small bale it,
27:03 and we're going to sell them for seven quid a bale.
27:05 - To all the people moving out of London,
27:07 who then get horses.
27:08 - Exactly.
27:09 - So who's moved up?
27:10 Joe Wicks has moved up here.
27:12 - I don't know who that is.
27:13 You could introduce me to them all.
27:15 Look at that for a business plan.
27:17 Made me happier already.
27:18 - Yeah, but what the ladies and gentlemen are doing now
27:21 is shitting themselves laughing
27:22 at the notion that I know Joe Wicks.
27:25 - Yeah, but I don't know Joe.
27:26 - He's that fitness man in COVID
27:27 and he did those exercises online
27:29 and everybody started watching it.
27:31 Anyway, he's moved up here.
27:32 We've got Cowell, we've got Beckham, Natalie Imbruglia.
27:36 We've got Amanda Holden.
27:39 - We can sell hay to their horses, trust me.
27:40 - Yeah.
27:41 Leaving Caleb to prep his field,
27:46 I turned my attention back to the enforcement notice.
27:50 Charlie had now submitted our appeal
27:53 and I had my fingers crossed
27:55 that the farm shop at least could stay open.
27:57 As it was the only way that my farming the unfarm projects
28:02 could ever make money.
28:05 So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up.
28:09 To make sure we had a case,
28:12 the shop had to be squeaky clean,
28:15 which meant everything for sale in there
28:17 had to have come from inside a council imposed
28:21 16 mile radius.
28:24 We all understood that, except Lisa.
28:27 Lisa has a rather Irish attitude to rules and regulations.
28:33 - I went in there the other day
28:35 whilst it was closed after hours.
28:37 Under the counter, everything, red handed.
28:42 If you want any of the products
28:44 you and I have put a moratorium on selling.
28:46 - No, 'cause we keep saying to her,
28:47 you can't sell this and you can't,
28:49 and she literally can't see why.
28:52 So here is a planning enforcement notice.
28:56 If you don't comply, you get prosecuted.
28:58 It's not like a civil thing.
28:59 And I keep saying to Lisa,
29:01 if you carry on selling stuff
29:03 that is in breach of this enforcement notice,
29:06 we, well, it'll be me in the Daily Mail,
29:08 but we will be fined.
29:10 And I, so if you could have a,
29:13 I mean, I talk to her, oh, it'll be all right.
29:16 Which is lovely.
29:17 I mean, I'd love to live in Ireland
29:18 'cause I think a country functions better
29:20 if you have that attitude.
29:21 - I'd like me to do the same.
29:23 - You know, sometimes you're quite firm with me.
29:26 Could you be that firm with Lisa and say,
29:28 Lisa, you have got to take out all this illegal stuff?
29:33 - Mm.
29:43 - Hi, Charlie.
29:44 - We're under the spotlight properly.
29:47 - Yeah.
29:48 - Quite a lot of it is directed at the farm shop as well.
29:51 And I know we've had discussions
29:54 over the past few months about what you can and can't sell.
29:57 - Yeah. - And we've done
29:58 the potato thing, which has gone brilliantly.
30:00 - Yes, it has.
30:01 Everyone loves it.
30:02 - But you've got prices now on the-
30:05 - I have, yeah.
30:06 - We can't do that.
30:07 We really, you can't sell them.
30:09 - Yes.
30:10 - You cannot sell them.
30:12 - Yeah.
30:13 - We can't give them any more ammunition.
30:15 So anything, anything that is 16 miles away-
30:20 - Yeah. - Must go.
30:22 - I mean, as much as I want to respect government councils
30:27 and everything else, at what stage
30:29 do you just really struggle
30:33 with trying to respect what they're doing?
30:35 Because there could be, like, I'm not trading arms here.
30:39 It's just a farm shop.
30:40 - I'll come back to that.
30:41 Where's the monopoly from?
30:43 - I can't sell a monopoly.
30:44 Look, Diddley's Coach.
30:45 - Yeah, I know, but it's made in-
30:47 - Well, it's like the book.
30:49 The book Jeremy wrote. - You can't sell the book.
30:50 We can't sell the book here.
30:51 I mean, we have to follow the rules.
30:53 If we don't follow the rules,
30:55 you could actually end up with a criminal conviction,
30:58 which is ridiculous.
30:59 I understand that, because all we're doing
31:02 is selling some amazing farm produce,
31:05 you know, oils, chutneys, marmalade.
31:09 (footsteps)
31:11 We don't even grow oranges.
31:16 - That's old stock from last year.
31:19 - It doesn't matter whether it's old stock.
31:21 It's- - So they would prefer-
31:22 - Where's it made? - That I wasted-
31:24 - Somerset.
31:25 - It's not 16 miles.
31:27 It's not within our 16 miles.
31:28 - No.
31:29 The longer I look, the worse it becomes, isn't it?
31:31 Handkerchiefs.
31:34 They look quite Italian to me.
31:36 Were they embroidered locally?
31:38 - No.
31:39 - Lisa, we've really-
31:40 - Charlie, I understand.
31:41 I understand.
31:42 I just, I find it really difficult that everything we do,
31:46 it doesn't make any difference.
31:47 It's still no.
31:48 - But we are fighting, you know,
31:50 people who are not being rational
31:52 about the objective, you know, position of this farm.
31:56 All we're wanting to do is sell some local produce,
31:59 which is what we're allowed to do,
32:01 from a shop that we have permission in.
32:03 When we challenge them, which we are doing on the planning,
32:07 we can then say, "This is ridiculous.
32:09 "Let's get a car park in."
32:11 I know it's frustrating.
32:13 Lots of rules in life are frustrating,
32:15 but these we must follow just for now.
32:17 So, in no particular order, marmalade, book,
32:24 presumably socks.
32:26 - No.
32:27 - Yes.
32:28 - Monopoly.
32:29 - Handkerchiefs.
32:30 - Did you manage to get across to her
32:35 the importance of not selling-
32:37 - I did see produce coming out of the shop before I left.
32:40 Books, particularly, monopoly.
32:44 So there's the, yes, I think, actually,
32:46 I think we've got the message through.
32:48 - Right, she's not here.
32:51 I'll bet you any money she's loading her car up
32:54 with all the stuff she took out this morning
32:55 and is putting it back.
32:56 Praying that Charlie had got through to Lisa,
33:04 I got back to my winter jobs.
33:08 Which alternated between tedious...
33:11 - Delicious snack for you, sheeps.
33:22 Oh, for fuck's sake.
33:27 - And unbelievably rewarding.
33:32 - Oh, yes.
33:33 - Mincing.
33:37 - Minced.
33:37 - In addition, there was another winter task
33:42 that I decided was worth doing.
33:45 My job today is to try and save the life of this willow tree,
33:53 which amazingly, even though it's fallen over, isn't dead.
33:57 Obviously, to do this, I needed some help.
34:04 So I called Rupert, the local tree expert.
34:08 What's the plan, then, to make it come back up again?
34:12 - We're going to pollard it right low.
34:13 We're going to take off all the weight
34:15 at the top of the willow, so hopefully...
34:17 - And that's pollarding?
34:18 - It's pollarding.
34:19 It's going to maintain the tree,
34:20 make it last longer, 15 years or so.
34:22 - But there's no roots.
34:24 How's it going to put roots down?
34:25 - They'll come back.
34:26 - Will they?
34:27 - Yeah, yeah.
34:29 (GENTLE MUSIC)
34:32 - After Rupert had used his hydraulic secateurs
34:42 to prune the tree of excess weight...
34:45 - Bloody clatter, I've locked it.
34:55 - ..we joined forces like the Cotswold Thunderbirds,
34:59 with me and a rented bobcat pulling a cable
35:03 attached to the tree,
35:05 and Rupert using his JCB to provide extra leverage.
35:10 - If we can get this tree upright, it'll be a miracle.
35:14 If we get it upright and it survives...
35:16 ..it's going to say, "I'll go to church."
35:21 I wouldn't do that.
35:24 - OK, Jeremy, if you can drive forward.
35:26 - Full power.
35:27 (ENGINE RUMBLES)
35:32 (ENGINE RUMBLES)
35:35 - I'm guessing from the wheelspin,
35:59 we're not making the tree become vertical.
36:02 Just waiting for the cable to snap and slide through the cab,
36:12 severing my abdomen.
36:14 - With the willow still stubbornly horizontal,
36:19 I decided to deploy my chainsaw skills
36:23 on its remaining branches.
36:28 Then Rupert tried to pull the tree up on his lonesome.
36:32 - Here he comes. Here he comes!
36:37 Here he is!
36:43 Is he going to fall straight over again?
36:48 Is he going to go upright, or...?
36:51 Tree is up.
36:55 (CHORAL MUSIC)
36:58 - That's just brilliant.
37:00 Really well done for that.
37:04 - It's good.
37:05 - And honestly, you'd never know we'd had a digger in here,
37:07 or any machinery at all.
37:08 Please, God, don't let Charlie Island down here
37:14 for at least six months.
37:16 (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)
37:24 - February was now upon us.
37:26 And with the pigs enjoying their new woodland home
37:40 and my winter jobs mainly done,
37:43 I went off to do some filming for the Grand Tour.
37:47 And while I was gone,
37:51 one of the pointy-eared mongrel piglets fell ill.
37:55 So Lisa called in Dilwyn the vet.
38:00 - So, he's got blue ears.
38:04 He's been shivering a bit.
38:06 He's a bit unsteady on his legs.
38:08 You can see his belly's quite empty.
38:11 - Why, what's the... - So he's been suckling his mother.
38:13 - What's the blue ears?
38:14 - Blue ears is that he's probably got a bit of septicemia,
38:17 which is basically, he's in shock a little bit
38:20 because he's probably got a bug floating around in his blood.
38:25 I'll take him back.
38:26 I'll put the heater on in the car.
38:28 I'll take him back.
38:30 We'll keep you posted.
38:31 - Poor little one.
38:33 - Lisa then insisted that Dilwyn give the piglet
38:36 the full five-star platinum plus treatment.
38:39 - So that's the pump, and that actually warms up
38:48 the fluids going into him.
38:50 So basically, we're trying to get his, warm up his blood.
38:53 We're warming up his body,
38:55 and this is trying to correct his dehydration, really.
38:59 So, yeah, we'll see how we get on.
39:01 - I returned a week later
39:12 and got straight back into more pig jobs.
39:15 Right, home time.
39:18 The first of which was to return Ajax,
39:21 the boar I'd rented to impregnate the lady pigs.
39:25 - Oh, he must be so looking forward
39:28 to going back to some friends.
39:29 - Do you know how much it cost?
39:31 How much we had to pay?
39:32 For each successful shag he had is 50 quid.
39:37 We have to pay his pimp, a Davis, from whom we rented him.
39:41 - Yeah.
39:42 - 50 quid, and so he's done five or four.
39:45 - That's 80 quid.
39:47 - No, it's 200.
39:49 While we're on the subject of money, Lisa,
39:52 you know when I was away,
39:53 and that piglet was ill?
39:56 - Yes.
39:57 - You sent it to the vet.
39:59 - I did.
40:00 - That's the vet bill.
40:05 - God, they're mighty, and it died.
40:07 Feeding tube, oh, Colossum,
40:09 they had to put the feeding tube down.
40:10 - No, no, nevermind what they did.
40:13 What's that say?
40:14 673 pounds.
40:17 - Oh, I just let them die.
40:20 - What do you, I don't know what you do, actually.
40:21 - Put that one down when it was like that.
40:23 Say goodbye.
40:24 - I didn't know, I knew everyone was awake.
40:26 - 673 pounds and 40 pence.
40:28 - They really tried to keep it alive, didn't they?
40:30 - Yes, they did.
40:31 - Post-mortem.
40:32 - Yes.
40:33 - That's a bit flash.
40:33 - Who asked for a post-mortem?
40:34 - Have you got that picture of it?
40:35 - So here's one picture, look.
40:37 That's at the vet nurse's house,
40:39 'cause they had to take it home for the night.
40:41 - Oh.
40:42 - Well, she was getting paid all night
40:43 to look after that pig.
40:43 She was in the...
40:44 Look at the little thing on his ear, like a...
40:46 - Aw, he looks so good.
40:47 - We're farmers.
40:47 - I know, I...
40:48 - I mean, I like the piglets, but 673 pounds.
40:49 - I'll eat it myself in future.
40:53 - That's bad.
40:54 That's a lot.
40:56 Well, now that we've done a post-mortem, why did it die?
40:59 - I'm just doing that.
41:00 - It had a heart defect.
41:01 - Well, who's to know?
41:03 - Well, we do now, because we spent 673 pounds.
41:07 - Come on, Evan.
41:12 - The extravagance was all the more annoying
41:15 because it was now time to see how Caleb and I were doing
41:18 in our competition.
41:20 - So we've got to add another 1,800 quid to that.
41:23 - Caleb was still massively in the red.
41:26 - Sure.
41:27 - But now the pigs were here,
41:29 my outgoings were also on the rise.
41:31 So you're at 98,500 pounds.
41:37 You've spent so far and made nothing.
41:42 - Don't you worry about me, let's worry about you.
41:43 - Well, now we've got the pig bill.
41:45 - Yeah, 673 pound 40.
41:47 - Yeah, Lisa has screwed me on this one, I'll grant you.
41:51 - Another one coming.
41:52 - Another one what?
41:53 - I've got loads more.
41:54 I've got loads of bills here for you.
41:55 - What?
41:56 - So that machine you hire that you're obsessed with.
41:58 - It is my emotional support machine,
42:00 like an emotional support dog.
42:02 I'm gonna take it on planes with me on holiday.
42:05 Can have its own seat.
42:06 Well, how much was it?
42:07 - 1,050 pound.
42:09 - But I think that could be canceled out
42:11 by how happy it makes me.
42:12 - No, it definitely cannot.
42:13 - What does it make?
42:14 Does it keep me out of your hair?
42:16 - Yeah, it does.
42:17 I like you the machine, don't get me wrong.
42:18 'Cause of the simple reason you're nowhere near me.
42:21 - Yeah.
42:22 - Did you have someone come down with a digger
42:23 and do some, remove a tree?
42:25 - No, no, no, we put a tree back up.
42:26 - Okay, well that is a total of 3,090 pound.
42:30 Just there, if I was you, put it there.
42:35 - 3,090 pounds?
42:37 What else have you got?
42:38 - There's a pig food.
42:39 - Oh, oh, oh.
42:41 2,952 pound.
42:44 - How have they been going to the Savoy?
42:48 - And then you had higher of the bore?
42:49 - Oh, stop saying things.
42:51 What?
42:51 - Higher of the bore?
42:52 - Bore higher.
42:53 - 200 quid?
42:55 - This mountain of bills meant that my profits of 413 pounds
43:00 had been turned into a loss of nearly 8,000 pounds.
43:05 - Shit.
43:08 - Yeah.
43:09 - Come on, pigs.
43:12 However, in a bittersweet way,
43:14 I was about to start seeing a return on my investment.
43:18 - Come on.
43:18 - Go on, Ed.
43:19 - As it was time to take the first batch of pigs
43:22 to the slaughterhouse.
43:23 - Going for an exciting car ride.
43:25 Come on.
43:27 - However, since the abattoir was more than 40 miles away
43:31 and I didn't have a license to transport them that far,
43:34 the government's pig police said
43:36 I must be accompanied by Michaela, a local breeder.
43:39 - Oh no, I've got guilt.
43:49 - You should feel sad when they go to the abattoir.
43:52 It means you've cared about your animals.
43:54 - I do care about them.
43:55 - Yeah.
43:56 You've got to eat them to save them.
43:58 That enables the survival of the breed.
44:04 You can't keep them all alive.
44:05 - Well, that's what I've always said about pandas.
44:09 If you want to save the giant panda, start eating it.
44:13 - Do you know, for every middle white pig in the world,
44:17 there are three giant pandas.
44:19 Middle white pork, you can't beat it.
44:22 It's better than sex.
44:23 - Right.
44:26 - With anyone, even Ewan McGregor.
44:29 - Yeah.
44:30 I'm not sure Ewan's going to be very pleased to hear that.
44:33 (laughing)
44:35 - Right, okay.
44:46 Seven, all seven there?
44:48 - Yeah.
44:49 - Rightio.
44:50 - Come on.
44:52 I've really enjoyed keeping pigs.
44:56 They've not escaped once.
44:57 - Do you like pigs?
44:59 - I love them.
45:00 - Come on then, pigs.
45:01 There we go.
45:02 (pig snorting)
45:05 They're nice pigs, actually.
45:07 These stronger ones you'll be having for bacon
45:08 and sausages, I'd have thought.
45:10 I'm assuming you want everything,
45:12 the butcher will want everything back by the squeal.
45:16 - Oh, don't.
45:18 - Sorry.
45:19 - Every time you go through an abattoir,
45:21 it's your cruel abattoir humor.
45:23 Bye, pigs.
45:31 As usual, I was sad as I drove away.
45:34 But this time at least, I'd behaved more like a farmer.
45:38 Not had any unmanly moments.
45:42 However, that was all about to change
45:48 because an avalanche of heartache was heading my way.
45:53 - Oh my God, they're so far up.
46:00 - One of them is as weak as hell.
46:02 - This is why you're losing so many piglets.
46:05 (upbeat music)
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