Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 06- Mushrooming - Box Media
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 06- Mushrooming
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TVTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:32 Now that we were heading into high summer, it was time for one of the most enjoyable jobs on the farming calendar.
00:40 Putting the cows back in the fields after their winter confinement in the shed.
00:47 Right, so we get four in the trailer and off to cow ground.
00:51 Yep.
00:52 Open that gate up.
00:57 I like working with you now.
01:02 What, you didn't used to?
01:03 No.
01:04 Go on then cows, good cows.
01:08 Go on.
01:09 Get on.
01:10 Yes.
01:11 Go on.
01:12 Here we go.
01:13 Go on.
01:14 Right.
01:17 You gonna go on your own? I'll get the next four in.
01:22 This is one of my favorite days, releasing the cows into the fields because they're so happy.
01:30 After what, five, six months being locked up in the barn?
01:34 They suddenly have the freedom, all that grass and they sort of decide, oh I remember.
01:38 I arrived at the cow field remembering well the last time we did this.
01:46 Look at them, excited cows, free.
01:51 So happy.
01:52 I'm free and out.
01:55 And you release the raptors.
01:59 Wait.
02:03 There, you're free, now go.
02:09 Is that it?
02:21 [Cows moo]
02:22 Come on, what's all the running around? You're supposed to dance around and be happy.
02:28 [Cows moo]
02:29 You ungrateful bastards.
02:33 After that let down, I went to inspect my space penises, fully expecting some more disappointment.
02:47 Right, I'm rather optimistically going to bring one crate, two crates, two crates for my mushrooms.
02:56 Get into my Darth Vader outfit, my rubber gloves on.
03:01 Yee! Holy moly!
03:10 Look at those.
03:12 And those.
03:16 This is amazing.
03:17 Look at these beauties, look at this.
03:20 This could work, this could actually work.
03:24 What you do to pick them, it's a twisting, strangling motion, like, that's not quite right.
03:33 God, I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.
03:41 Having boxed up the mushrooms, I high-tailed it over to the farm shop before it opened for business.
03:48 Lisa? Yeah? I've got good news. Yeah?
03:53 Wow, they're beautiful. They are, aren't they?
03:57 Of what are they? Grey oyster mushrooms. Oh my God. I've made a thing for them.
04:02 So? So we're selling them by the punnet. Yep.
04:04 How much do you reckon for a punnet? I say £3, £3.50. Yep.
04:08 We then went to show them to Scott, the chef in the shop's burger van.
04:12 Wow. Aren't they beautiful? And these are all grown up at the... Yes.
04:16 We're growing these and we're going to have a regular supply of mushrooms.
04:20 We can do mushrooms on toast or something in the morning. Yeah, mushrooms on toast.
04:23 Yeah, amazing. Everybody wants mushrooms on toast.
04:26 You can maybe make some mushroom ketchup if you get to the end and you've got loads left.
04:29 Ooh. Nice. Yeah? Mushroom soup? Yeah, whatever you like.
04:32 I mean, we can get a mushroom... Vegan burger. Yeah?
04:34 Finally we get some beef on top. Cheers.
04:36 Oh, is that vegan?
04:38 What have you done?
04:41 What's wrong, love?
04:44 Oh, no. What's wrong? Are you all right?
04:47 OK, you're laughing. Oh, are you crying or laughing?
04:50 We've won the appeal. Oh! Shut up.
04:52 No way! Yeah. Oh, no.
04:55 Oh! Oh, my God.
04:57 We've won the appeal. Well done.
04:59 Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Tell me, tell me, tell me.
05:02 Stop. The price. I'm just reading it. I'm reading it.
05:04 Well done, guys.
05:06 Oh, my God. Oh, God. I'm being so worried.
05:09 It's a hell of a long document, but... Bloody hell, that's juicy.
05:12 "Point 41.
05:14 "I shall, for the purposes of clarity and understanding,"
05:17 this is the planning inspector,
05:19 "correct the allegation to a change of use to a mixed use
05:23 "comprising agriculture, cafe, restaurant,
05:28 "farm shop, parking and lavatory facilities."
05:32 He's lying. He's given us the whole shebang.
05:34 The whole lot? Yes. I mean, we aren't...
05:36 It seems we aren't... That's gone.
05:38 We aren't allowed to have a restaurant there. I take that.
05:41 But we can have this here. Amazing.
05:43 And we can make that a cafe in there.
05:45 Do you really?
05:47 This is the biggest "fuck you" to the council I've ever...
05:51 Oh, my God! I'm being so worried.
05:56 That is amazing. But it's also, like, common sense.
05:59 Well, of course it's common sense. I know.
06:01 I didn't have any and there's an inspector.
06:03 Do you think the council will appeal?
06:05 I don't think the council will appeal.
06:08 This inspector's taken... How long has he taken? Four months?
06:11 I don't think he's going to have made a mistake, has he?
06:14 Basically, we're safe and it seems to be for three years.
06:17 We're good to go for three years.
06:20 We're back in business.
06:22 HE LAUGHS
06:28 Lisa decided to celebrate this victory over the council
06:32 by inviting all her thin, blonde Oxfordshire friends over
06:36 for a spot of goat yoga.
06:39 So really squeeze and retract the shoulder blades.
06:41 Open up the chest.
06:43 Into your warrior three position.
06:45 Keep the hips square, shoulders square, core on.
06:48 And then press through that...
06:50 I'm sure this was all very modern,
06:52 but I hadn't bought the goats to be used as wellness props.
06:56 I'd bought them to lay waste to my brambles.
06:59 Something they could hopefully start doing now they had a campsite.
07:04 However, we could only move them up there if they were big enough.
07:11 Right. Do you know what we're doing?
07:14 We've got to weigh them.
07:16 And then, if it's underweight... Yep.
07:19 ..that's less than, I think, 17 kilograms.
07:22 We spray it red. Not the whole thing.
07:24 17 kilos? Yeah. Whoa.
07:26 And then if it's ready to go outside, it's green.
07:29 We're hoping they're all green,
07:31 because Liz is coming to take away the milk machine.
07:33 Yeah, they're on solids now, aren't they?
07:35 How do we get them into the harness? Yeah, here, look.
07:38 Well, you know how you get into it.
07:40 Right, OK, let's take a fatty.
07:44 Stop eating my jeans.
07:46 I... Stop it! No!
07:49 Ow! Ooh! Stop it!
07:54 OK, that is 96.
07:56 You didn't... No, well, 96 what?
07:59 Pounds. Well, no... Kilograms.
08:01 It's not 96 kilograms. It's heavier than me.
08:05 Right, it's green. So...
08:07 Don't let go until we spray it.
08:09 Yeah, we'll just spray it. It's all right.
08:11 Don't let go, don't let go! Bring it back!
08:13 That's got to lose it.
08:15 This is going to... Oh, my God. Come on.
08:18 This is going to be for days.
08:20 Stop it.
08:22 No, it's not going to work. You've got to get it in the middle.
08:25 It's fucking heavy enough, I can tell you.
08:27 This one's just coughed and been sick all over.
08:30 Get off! Get off!
08:32 This one is 16 with two back legs on the floor.
08:34 Well, that's not... It's not accurate.
08:36 That is definitely over 17.
08:38 In the middle of this festival of incompetence...
08:41 Come on, Nan.
08:43 ..Lizzie, the goat expert, arrived.
08:45 Hi, Lizzie.
08:47 What are you doing?
08:49 Weighing them.
08:51 How's that going? Not very well.
08:53 No, you surprised me. What did we say? 18.7?
08:55 Yeah, but we haven't marked it. I have.
08:57 Oh, you have? Yes.
08:59 Is there an easier way of doing it?
09:01 Yeah, I can definitely think of one.
09:03 Use the scales, that would be my recommendation.
09:06 How do you make a goat stand on a weigh scale?
09:08 It's... Just, he'll stand there. It'll be fine.
09:11 HE BLOWS HORN
09:14 So that's plugged into the mains, yeah?
09:16 Yeah, all good.
09:18 So, I've got my hand just by the screen.
09:20 Yep. When I put him on, it should give you a weight.
09:23 Oh, yeah, 19.46.
09:25 There you go. So, how...
09:27 Ow! That really hurts.
09:29 You're getting weighed next for being a horrible goat.
09:32 Christ almighty.
09:34 This is a porker. Wow.
09:36 28.66.
09:38 So, next time, if you put your hand...
09:41 Yes, I've got that wrong. Yeah.
09:43 23.92. So, you have grown good, solid, healthy goats.
09:47 We're happy. We're happy. We're very happy.
09:49 You've done a very good job.
09:51 The boys are certainly over 17. Yep.
09:55 And are... Ready to ride.
09:57 ..very ready to go out. Right.
09:59 Before moving the goats to their campsite,
10:03 there was something I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
10:06 What's this I heard about while I was reading in my book?
10:09 That if they escape, then they're...
10:13 That would be... Yeah, like...
10:15 Get off.
10:17 If you get... Stop it.
10:19 If you get the fencing wrong, it's carnage,
10:21 cos you'll never keep them in, like, ever.
10:24 Once they learn, they're so clever, if they start escaping...
10:28 Oh! Fuck me!
10:30 I think it's trying to... Jesus Christ!
10:34 Right.
10:37 Sorry, what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?
10:41 It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right.
10:44 Oh!
10:46 Do you want a lunchbox? Yeah.
10:49 You need a cricket box. They do know.
10:52 It's because I cut their balls off.
10:54 Ow! That really hurts. Don't do that again.
10:57 Do not... Don't do that again.
10:59 Get off!
11:01 They used to be so sweet.
11:03 They were so small and cute.
11:05 And now they're just eating things.
11:07 But if one does keep getting out... Yeah.
11:10 ..best one in the world, what damage is it going to do?
11:13 Apart from kicking people in the nuts.
11:15 So we had one really bad group years and years ago,
11:18 and they went for all our sapling trees,
11:20 and they went through two fields to get to the sapling trees.
11:23 They could go onto the roads and cause an accident.
11:26 Or, like, your chillies. I don't know how many chillies they'd eat.
11:29 They wouldn't eat chillies. They'd go through your polytunnel.
11:32 Horns in a polytunnel wouldn't be a good mix.
11:34 So, really, we've got to be very careful. You really, really do, yeah.
11:37 Oh, my God, can you imagine that? Look at Joey, he's in real trouble.
11:40 This is our decoy here.
11:42 They'd like to eat a lot. They're actually not that sacred.
11:47 We then showed Lizzie the field where the goats would live.
11:53 If I leave this alone, for much longer, it'll all just be bramble.
11:58 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll take the worst of the brambles out.
12:01 And at every opportunity,
12:03 she came back to the topic of their escaping skills.
12:08 And do they need things to climb on?
12:11 We tend not to give them stuff outside,
12:13 cos they roll them into the electric fence and then use that as an escape.
12:16 No. Yes. Whoa. What, like Stalag Luft 3?
12:19 Yeah, honestly. Well, so they...
12:21 Rewind.
12:23 If we put the sort of wooden toys they've got in their barn now
12:26 and put them in here, they'll push them up to the fence
12:29 and use them as a launching pad. Yeah, we found that with, like,
12:32 you know the big sort of oil barrels, they would roll them up into the fence,
12:35 and then short the fence out or use them to hop over. No. No.
12:38 That's so cruel. They'll definitely...
12:40 They will be up on that pig hark and over that fence, like, within hours,
12:44 if they had access to it. Jeez. Clever, Liz.
12:47 They're very intelligent. Do not underestimate them.
12:50 While we were wondering if a goat could jump a fence on a motorcycle,
13:00 Caleb and Charlie were having a much grander day in London.
13:05 They'd been invited to Downing Street to talk to the Prime Minister
13:10 about his Back British Farm to Fork initiative.
13:14 And given the importance of the meeting,
13:16 they met in a cafe for a pre-match chat.
13:20 So, today? Yeah. Quite a lot of people going.
13:23 Quite big. It is. Jeremy told me to say, he said,
13:26 "Caleb, if you want any talking points,
13:29 "just tell Ricky that he's probably not going to be Prime Minister any more."
13:32 Rishi. Rishi. The President. Oh, the Prime Minister, sorry.
13:36 That'll be a great place to start. I would definitely go...
13:39 "Oi, hello, Mr President. How are you, Ricky?"
13:41 "I'd be frightened you'd come and see me on the weekend."
13:43 "You're not going to be Prime Minister next time."
13:45 So, what are you going to talk about? What's your focus?
13:48 I want to go on young farmers. Good.
13:50 Young people getting into farming. Yeah.
13:52 You can't go and farm your own farm nowadays.
13:55 A, they're so expensive, and B, everything's in a scheme. Yeah.
13:59 I got a quote for a tractor yesterday. Yeah.
14:01 After discount, it's £205,000. I know, that's insane.
14:05 Oh, Christ, we'd better go. Hmm? We're going to be late.
14:08 Trafalgar Square. Oh, I drove through here. Yeah.
14:16 I didn't put my indicator on in this junction here. Really? Yeah.
14:21 There's Nelson, look. Who's Nelson?
14:23 He was an admiral. He's quite high up, isn't he?
14:26 He won a battle. Do you know what he's looking at? What?
14:29 So, you see where those flags are? Yeah.
14:32 That's Admiralty Arch, OK? Right.
14:34 And he is looking, on the top of the arch, there are loads of ships.
14:38 Right, and he's up there.
14:40 He led the Battle of Trafalgar against the French.
14:43 All that concrete to build a man that's looking over some...
14:46 I heart London. Fuck that.
14:50 Want to press the button? You press the button.
14:53 Where are we going? We're going down Whitehall, which is...
14:59 What is that? It's a... A what?
15:02 It's a very, er... Just keep going.
15:04 So, here we are. This is Whitehall. This is where it all happens.
15:09 What happens? Management of the country.
15:12 There you go. Cabinet offices. What's that?
15:15 You know what the cabinet is? No.
15:17 It's one of the more senior ministers.
15:20 And they all work an hour, do they?
15:22 I don't know what time it is. What time is it?
15:24 11 minutes past nine.
15:26 No, we're a bit early. We'll hang around.
15:29 Morning.
15:40 Morning.
15:42 Morning.
15:44 Are you now just going to try and get people to say good morning?
15:47 Yeah. Morning.
15:49 They'll think you're a fruitcake. I'm just saying morning.
15:53 They don't want to talk.
15:56 Soon it was time for them to head for that famous black door.
16:02 Ready? We've got to knock.
16:07 Right.
16:11 What, knock?
16:13 Sorry?
16:15 Hi, guys. How are you doing?
16:17 Thank you very much.
16:19 If you knock that loud again, I'll throw you out.
16:22 Say that again? Don't knock so loud.
16:24 Sorry, where from? I don't care.
16:26 OK. I'm not. OK.
16:28 Told her.
16:32 While Caleb and Charlie were being told off
16:36 by the Downing Street door police...
16:38 Come on, goats, let's get you in.
16:40 ..Lisa and I were finally moving the goats into their new home.
16:44 So the idea is, this is their training garden. Yep.
16:49 And they live in here until they've really eaten all the dock leaves
16:52 and what have you. OK. Then you move them down.
16:55 And the idea is that their mouths get, you know, used to...
16:58 Hardened. Yes, exactly.
17:00 And they get hard mouths.
17:02 But then you see the bramble bushes,
17:04 which is what I really wanted to start eating. Yes, yes.
17:07 So when they start hitting brambles,
17:10 that's going to be the interesting thing for me.
17:12 That's what I want them to eat.
17:14 Before all that, though, we had to go through the unpleasant
17:18 but necessary business of getting them used to the electric fencing.
17:23 Out you come. Oh, they are coming out.
17:26 So the white fence is gentle power. Yes.
17:29 And the orange fence is the National Grid.
17:33 Look, I'm plotting an... I've got an escape route here.
17:37 Hey, guys, follow me.
17:39 I reckon we can be over in a jiffy.
17:42 Whoa, was that a zap?
17:46 Oh, no, they're eating the gateposts.
17:48 OK, I'm not eating the gateposts any more.
17:52 Ooh!
17:55 Sorry.
17:58 Oh!
18:01 HE PANTS
18:03 HE BARKS
18:05 Not funny. No, it's really mine. It's not funny.
18:09 I shouldn't laugh.
18:11 I'm not amused. I don't like to see animals in pain,
18:15 but they do have to learn.
18:17 And quite quickly, they got the message.
18:22 Look at all now in the middle. Yeah.
18:25 Their escape plans are in tatters because of my security.
18:29 Eat.
18:31 Get your mouths hardened and then you can go and eat brambles.
18:35 Back at number ten,
18:39 Charlie was taking part in a highbrow think tank discussion.
18:43 But you went through the list of grants there.
18:46 And you haven't listed them all. No.
18:49 And all the schemes. No.
18:51 You do need a PhD now in grant applications if you're a farmer.
18:55 Meanwhile, out in the garden, President Ricky was in full smooze mode.
19:00 How are you, Ricky? Very nice to see you.
19:03 So what have you got? Is this all from the farm?
19:06 We've got a Fendham flag sausage,
19:08 our traditional butcher sausage, our great bramble bagels.
19:12 And then we've just got some bacon going as well.
19:14 Oh, my God. We were having cabinet up there.
19:17 And literally, that was a cabinet room there.
19:19 And everyone was just distracted and smelling your stuff coming through.
19:22 It was great.
19:24 Look at this.
19:26 Then, in the actual cabinet office...
19:29 How are you? Very pleased to meet you.
19:31 ..Caleb got to meet the Prime Minister.
19:33 Thanks for coming. Caleb, how are you?
19:35 And this was his big moment
19:37 to talk about attracting youngsters into farming.
19:41 Are you OK? I'm very well, thanks.
19:43 You've got lovely hair. Me? Yes.
19:46 That's good. Had you heard otherwise?
19:48 No, no, no. It was the general public.
19:51 When the conversation moved outside,
19:54 Caleb finally did talk about young farmers.
19:57 But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point.
20:01 You know, farming's not a job. It's a way of life. Yeah.
20:04 That is it. There's no other option there. It's a way of life.
20:07 You don't get up there and go, "Oh, I've got to go to work today."
20:10 I never ever wake up in the morning and go, "You know what?
20:12 "I've really got to go to work today. I've got to do an 8-to-5 job.
20:15 "I can't wait to finish." Halfway through the day, you have your lunch
20:18 and you go, "Oh, I want to go home." I never do that.
20:20 I go, "Right, what am I doing today?"
20:22 Yesterday, the day before, sorry, I was out there milking cows in the morning.
20:25 Then I went out there and sat a moment for silage.
20:27 And then I was spraying. No day is the same.
20:29 I think everyone should have a dream,
20:31 because a dream is somewhere to go and somewhere to get to.
20:33 As soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in two years, three years,
20:36 five years, you've done it. Set another dream.
20:38 And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't work unless you use them.
20:41 While Caleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt,
20:47 Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker
20:50 to see if any more had fruited.
20:52 Oh, shit!
20:56 Oh, my God.
20:58 Have they not grown?
21:00 Oh, my God.
21:03 What's wrong?
21:05 Ah.
21:07 Oh, God!
21:09 Look at this. How many we've got. Thousands and thousands.
21:12 Oh, my God. So those are those?
21:14 It's incredible.
21:16 Oh, my God.
21:18 Wow. Jesus.
21:21 These are ready.
21:23 They're very ready.
21:25 Right.
21:27 24 hours ago, that didn't exist.
21:30 And where's the matter come from that's made it?
21:34 In 24 hours.
21:36 You need to get selling mushrooms.
21:42 What's more, the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms
21:46 had started to appear.
21:48 Oh, wow.
21:50 It's like a sponge that's mated with a cauliflower.
21:53 And that's a mushroom.
21:55 The man said that he reckons that they're space penises.
21:59 That does look like it's from space. That really does.
22:07 There was no way we could fit even a tenth of this lot into the farm shop.
22:12 So I had to abandon my plans for the day
22:16 and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
22:20 Now, can I interest you in the new Diddley Squat range?
22:24 Grey oyster mushrooms.
22:26 These are not like you get in the supermarket.
22:28 Or lion's mane mushrooms.
22:31 Please may I have some of those?
22:33 Yes, of course.
22:35 That is cost... That's 427 grams.
22:39 That would be £12.81.
22:42 OK. Woo!
22:44 Just out of curiosity,
22:46 are you selling space penises?
23:00 In Piggywood, it had now been 11 weeks
23:03 since Ajax the boar had done...
23:06 more things with the sows.
23:08 These are the four in question.
23:10 Well, hopefully pregnant. Yeah, yeah.
23:12 Stop.
23:14 So a local pig expert had come round to scan them.
23:17 And the news was good.
23:20 They're all pregnant. They're all pregnant?
23:23 All up the duff.
23:24 So we don't have to sell them, cos if they hadn't been up the duff,
23:27 they'd be just eating food for no reason and they'd have to be bacon.
23:30 Gerald! Oh, Gerald, hello, hello.
23:32 Hello.
23:34 You all right? Yeah.
23:38 Lovely piggies. Aren't they great? Yeah.
23:41 You ever kept pigs?
23:43 I must say, I'm almost eight when they are young.
23:45 Who have you mothers put in? This is the mothers? Yeah.
23:47 I've heard stories about sows and boars and that.
23:49 They can be nasty, can't they? What can?
23:52 Sows and when they got to the right stuff with the combine,
23:56 then you're shooting.
23:57 When they got those brass coming out of the sowing.
24:00 Serenity.
24:02 Um, Gerald? Yes, my love?
24:05 When you planted all these trees, was it 60 years ago or so?
24:08 Yeah. You planted these trees? Yeah.
24:10 60 years ago. How old were you? Yeah.
24:12 This was all bombing on, all the summits, found it there,
24:16 and all the way up then, yeah, the grays right to the...
24:19 These were all Tash and Tyre, isn't that?
24:22 So these trees are younger than you?
24:25 Yeah.
24:26 Is it all? This is Gerald's wood?
24:29 Used to get the old shovel like that. Wow, Gerald.
24:32 And then drop that thing in and then he'll...
24:34 I went round with the...
24:36 It's goddamn funny enough,
24:38 and then with the pole with the fluid in there.
24:42 As the years went on, there was...
24:44 All those wellingtones was and all, that was all walkon.
24:48 They were original wood, they were.
24:50 You know, there was...
24:51 At least once a fortnight, got the feet up for the...
24:55 Come for the stinging nettles.
24:58 Similar to that, it was.
25:00 That's when bosses were bosses and you didn't say no to them.
25:05 LAUGHTER
25:07 I'm really chuffed. I did not know that you'd done this.
25:13 That's brilliant.
25:15 So it shall become known, we shall rename it Gerald's wood.
25:19 You used to fill that, right?
25:21 In a little biller at the top by the boat.
25:24 We were now well into June,
25:27 and life on the farm was a smorgasbord of busyness.
25:32 Up in a field called Downs Ground,
25:41 I took part in my first ever grass harvest.
25:45 This involved wrapping bales of grass in plastic sheeting,
25:50 which we'd feed to the cows in the winter.
25:53 So we're collecting silage, yes?
25:58 Silage is grass that has been put in a bag which is wet
26:02 and it's going to ferment with all the sugars that naturally come off the grass,
26:06 which is good for the cows with high sugar content.
26:11 Caleb was still annoyed that when my pigs had been in this field...
26:15 ..they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
26:19 Why have we got Jeremy? Keep out.
26:25 Because you keep fucking up this field.
26:28 But nevertheless, it looked like we were getting a good crop.
26:32 I quite like being a grass farmer.
26:39 It's quite sort of mathematical and pleasing, you know, I've done that right.
26:43 It's like, you know, when you mow your lawn
26:45 and you don't have to go over a bit, you've already done.
26:48 I wonder if he mows his lawns.
26:51 All done.
26:54 As soon as the grass harvest was finished...
26:57 So we need to have a look at the fertiliser spreader. Yeah.
27:01 ..it was time for the annual red tractor inspection,
27:04 where we have to prove the farm is clean and well run.
27:08 Yeah. That's fine. That's fine.
27:10 And given that Caleb was now farm manager...
27:13 16680.
27:16 ..things this time round were very unstressful.
27:20 The NSF record book, that's great.
27:23 It's all here.
27:25 You've got your first aid box up here, which is great.
27:28 Correct signage. Yeah. Lovely.
27:30 Sun bucket there. That's great. Morning.
27:32 How you doing? Morning. You're at Mushrooms.
27:35 Everywhere, he just appears with mushrooms.
27:38 I just live underground, though.
27:40 Yep, no matter how busy Caleb was...
27:44 ..the mushrooms were keeping me busier.
27:50 So, this is the fourth road bridge I've created
27:54 because all day I've been selling mushrooms constantly
27:59 and we still have this many,
28:01 and tomorrow morning there'll be this many again.
28:04 So, I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:07 I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:09 I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:11 I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:13 I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:15 I'm going to have to get rid of this.
28:17 So, tomorrow morning there'll be this many again,
28:20 and the next day, and the next day.
28:22 In fact, I had so many mushrooms
28:27 that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van,
28:31 I was now hawking them round local pubs
28:35 and even rival farm shops.
28:37 I had some last night. I cannot tell you how good they are.
28:42 I mean, I cut some last night. They're amazing.
28:45 Jesus, I had these last night. They're fantastic.
28:48 But even though my incredibly varied sales patter
28:51 was shifting some decent quantities...
28:53 Five. We'll have five kilos.
28:55 1.2. Six point one kilo.
28:58 ..I was still barely scratching the surface.
29:01 For fuck's sake!
29:11 There was still time amongst all the madness
29:14 to pause for the occasional treat.
29:17 I've got a big surprise for you.
29:20 Oh! Is it a proposal?
29:23 HE LAUGHS
29:25 Every time I think you've got a surprise,
29:29 I'm like, "He's going to propose!"
29:31 Every time!
29:33 Remember the tree fell down?
29:37 We put it back up again. Yeah.
29:39 Come and have a look.
29:41 Look at that.
29:46 That's the tree we put back up.
29:48 Oh! Wow.
29:50 I'm so happy. Yeah.
29:53 Cos it had been down for six months and it's alive.
29:58 Do you know what's weird?
30:01 It's that the little branches are growing from absolutely everywhere.
30:04 I know, it's incredible.
30:05 That is what's called bursting back into life, isn't it?
30:08 It is, yeah.
30:10 Well done, that's really nice. I'm really happy with that.
30:12 Yeah. I'll think about the proposal, OK? I'm not ready yet.
30:15 However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
30:21 isn't always a source of joy.
30:24 Sometimes it can be downright annoying.
30:29 A point brought into sharp focus...
30:31 Oh, Christ, what?
30:33 ..when Caleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.
30:38 I mean, is this...?
30:40 We just can't get to it any more.
30:42 Is this...? Do we have to come through with a chainsaw and cut all this back?
30:46 When were we last here?
30:48 It wasn't that long ago.
30:50 Now a jungle has happened.
30:54 Happily, though, this meant I had an excuse to fire up Wally...
31:03 ..his most favourite machine in the world.
31:07 Oh! I'm back!
31:11 The emotional support unit.
31:14 The machine of destruction.
31:19 Look at it.
31:22 Mincing.
31:23 Atomising.
31:28 (Engine revs)
31:30 What is...? What? Chainsaw trousers?
31:35 Are those just the front of your...?
31:37 Yeah, yeah, so if you're going through like this, then, you hit yourself,
31:40 they hit this and it tangles it up and stalls the engine.
31:43 It is broke back.
31:45 What's that?
31:47 Yeah, it's good dogs. Good dogs.
31:49 Sit. Sit.
31:51 Sit. Sit.
31:54 Sit.
31:57 Sit.
31:59 Now it's gone.
32:01 And that one's gone as well, then.
32:03 (Engine revs)
32:05 Having cleared a new path to the damn site,
32:10 we got into a construction worker state of mind
32:14 and moved on to the next job.
32:16 Lunch.
32:25 That looks better now, doesn't it?
32:27 I would have thought,
32:31 why are we using that tube when we could use these sleepers instead?
32:36 Oh, I see, just put the sleepers across and then put the...?
32:40 If we put the sleepers across there, you see what I mean?
32:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we've got the digger, dug out a hole...
32:46 Put some post in like this, exactly like behind this. Exactly.
32:49 Put some post in, you slot one in, then another, then another,
32:52 and all you have to do with the clay is back up the sleepers,
32:56 and then the water simply comes over the top of the sleepers.
33:03 Haven't we done that before?
33:07 I just got it in my head, "Oh, well, we need a pipe,"
33:09 but we don't need a pipe, do we?
33:11 We'll take the pipe out of the way, then, won't we?
33:13 Use it somewhere else. Take it back to the farm.
33:15 We'll take that back to the farm, certainly.
33:18 MUSIC PLAYS
33:21 Unhook it.
33:26 You know what I've just worked out?
33:28 What's that?
33:29 We are now exactly back to where we began in January.
33:35 Pipe at the top of the field, nothing done down there.
33:40 Never going to finish this fucking dam.
33:46 Now we have the sleeper plan in place,
33:49 I was much more optimistic that we would.
33:52 Pull it through, crowd her back, tuck crowd her now.
33:56 For the first time ever, I want to leave further ahead
33:59 than we were when we got here.
34:01 Having prepped the site and rammed some supporting posts into the mud,
34:08 it was time to place the sleepers.
34:12 Ready? Yeah.
34:14 Right, digger man.
34:16 Bud crack alert! Bud crack alert!
34:21 Warning! Warning!
34:23 LAUGHTER
34:25 Down.
34:28 More rabs.
34:29 Using the digger scoop,
34:31 I then pushed the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
34:35 However...
34:38 It floats.
34:41 We hadn't thought of that, had we?
34:43 I'll stand on it forever.
34:45 You're not bringing any nails in at all?
34:51 It's not. You'll never...
34:53 If you put a nail in over the top of the sleeper,
34:56 you're creating a bigger crack. The water will get through.
34:59 I just want to put a nail there so I can get up it.
35:01 Yes, I know, but when the next sleeper goes on top,
35:03 there'll be a nail-sized gap between the two of them.
35:05 So we need some...
35:07 Well, clamps, something like clamps.
35:10 Or we can just get a big screw.
35:12 To go through a Southern Railway sleeper... Yeah.
35:16 ..we've got to go to Stoag.
35:18 I'm not suggesting we put another sleeper on
35:21 until that one is securely fastened in place.
35:25 Look, why isn't that in a book somewhere, that wood floats?
35:30 Can you rest that on top of that?
35:33 Yeah, can you stand on it, then?
35:35 You got it? There you go.
35:38 There we go.
35:40 Right.
35:42 Another afternoon's work,
35:46 and what we've done is...
35:48 nothing of any great worth.
35:52 I'm not going to be defeated by this dam, though.
35:56 I'm just not.
35:58 It would, however, be a while before I could get back to the dam,
36:02 because, predictably, there were more mushrooms to shift.
36:08 Oh, shit!
36:10 However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
36:16 She reckoned that if we dried the lion's mane mushrooms
36:20 in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit and sold them as a powder,
36:24 she'd make more money than I was, selling them as actual mushrooms.
36:29 OK, so you can sell 100 grams for £3. Yeah.
36:33 And they last five days? Mm-hm.
36:36 I can sell 100 grams for £30 and it lasts for a year.
36:41 So, lion's mane... I went into Chippy earlier,
36:44 and there's a little health food shop in there,
36:46 and I asked them how much they sell their lion's mane for,
36:49 and they say they get it in once a week and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
36:53 It's really good. It says here, "Lion's mane mushroom powder,
36:57 "30 servings for £40." Yes.
37:00 £40! Yes.
37:03 I put it in my coffee every morning, and it's like having a spearmint
37:06 that goes through your head.
37:08 Your whole mind just opens up and you're really clear-thinking.
37:11 And the mornings I don't take it, I really notice the difference.
37:14 It's amazing. Hold on.
37:16 It says here that it's good for your focus, memory and digestion.
37:20 Yeah. Right.
37:22 So, this is the nutrition values on it, yeah? Yep.
37:25 Total fat, 0. Excellent. Sodium, 0. Excellent.
37:29 Total carbohydrate, 0. Excellent. Total sugars, 0.
37:33 Added sugars, 0. Protein, 0.
37:36 There's nothing in it. Excellent.
37:39 Well, how can it help your memory and focus and digestion
37:42 when it contains nothing?
37:44 The magic of mushrooms. Yes, I know, but if you add butter,
37:48 there's a point to it. How can people... Why?
37:51 Are you complaining or are you growing mushrooms?
37:53 I'm going to struggle to stand in the shop and say,
37:56 "Would you like to buy this mushroom powder?"
37:59 And they go, "What's in it?" Nothing. Whatever.
38:01 Honestly, Lisa, do your friends eat this shit?
38:05 Only one who's everyone takes lion's mane.
38:10 I don't understand this at all. Hello.
38:13 Hello, cheerful.
38:15 Welcome to a world where Lisa is planning on selling 50 grams for 40 quid.
38:21 Wow. What are you doing? So, look, this is my little dehydrator.
38:25 Yeah. So, this here was a full tray and it goes down next to nothing.
38:30 And then I'll just put it in a blender, blend it up,
38:33 stick it in little bags, put it at best within 12 months.
38:37 You're going to sell powder in baggies from a Range Rover?
38:39 So, you... OK. Amazing.
38:41 How do you know it lasts a year?
38:44 Because once it's dried and powdered, it has 12 months,
38:47 because the stuff I buy is dried and powdered and that's it,
38:50 and it's 12 months. So, how do you think they will know that they've tested it?
38:53 They've done their testing, yeah. But that's not "they've done their testing".
38:56 They have, and ours is even better because it comes from down the road.
38:59 No, no, no. They've done their testing. Uh-huh.
39:01 So, they've validated... Yeah.
39:03 ..and verified... Yeah. ..the fact that...
39:05 Because dehydrating, you're taking all the moisture out... Yes.
39:08 ..to remove the water content... Yes. ..so it doesn't grow...
39:11 It doesn't grow mould... ..bacteria. Yes, exactly.
39:14 So, you've done your hazard analysis and critical control point checks.
39:18 HACCP. It's food, basic food standards.
39:21 No, no, no. This is from... This is from farm to farm,
39:24 so you don't have to do that, cos... No, no, no.
39:27 That's if you're selling to the wider market.
39:29 I am allowed, Charlie, I am allowed to grow tomatoes here
39:32 and sell them in the shop, and you're allowed to do that
39:35 within a farm shop thingy. No.
39:37 But, you know, once it's dried, it's dehydrated,
39:39 there's nothing in it but powder...
39:41 How do you know it's dry?
39:43 Because it'll go into a powder.
39:45 Yeah, but in three weeks' time, it might be full of mould,
39:48 and you've sold it to somebody, and then it's mouldy,
39:50 so it didn't last a year, it will have lasted...
39:52 Well, I can put it... Three weeks.
39:54 OK, so what's your solution, Charlie?
39:56 Well, you'll have to test it, and then... No.
39:58 And then... No, test it. Yes.
40:00 There'll be a laboratory. We're going to find out who, you know, tests it.
40:03 Or we could just sell them as mushrooms.
40:05 All day. That's a waste, though, because I want a linesman
40:08 in your tea in the morning, or your coffee.
40:10 You do. But nobody wants that. While we're doing...
40:12 How many men do that? None.
40:14 No, not the men that you know, because you were born two millenniums ago.
40:17 This millennium people, they know all about it.
40:19 OK, as a solution, why do you need to put a year on it?
40:22 You just put six weeks, two months. OK.
40:25 And that... And that covers my ass.
40:27 Yeah. OK. But you'll have to test it for that long.
40:30 OK. Oh. Right, OK, onwards.
40:33 I should go and... OK, well, I might as well just keep on drying here, yeah?
40:37 OK, you need to... You need to record what you're doing.
40:40 OK. I have dried this for two hours. I'll do a video, yeah.
40:44 Good. I've got to take some... Happy, happy.
40:47 OK, so first of all, video.
40:49 First of all, I washed the mush... No, I didn't.
40:52 First of all, I cut them off the base, then I washed them in there, in a fridge,
40:57 in a... First of all, I cut the bottom off, and then I washed them,
41:01 and the whole kitchen has been, um, certified.
41:10 As we came to the end of June, everything on the farm was looking wonderful.
41:15 But there was a big but, because Charlie was not a happy man.
41:23 Put simply, the weather had not been playing ball.
41:28 March had been the wettest for 40 years.
41:32 May had been freezing.
41:38 And June had been the hottest on record.
41:41 This looks a mess, doesn't it? Why?
41:46 And already, Charlie could see the effects of all this turbulence
41:50 by examining what remained of Caleb's oilseed rape.
41:54 You know, it hasn't... It hasn't pollinated brilliantly, it hasn't...
41:59 So we've got quite a few misses, and that's probably when it was cold
42:02 and, you know, miserable in April. Yeah.
42:05 It hasn't thrived, has it? No.
42:08 You know, we're half a tonne an acre down. Yeah.
42:12 Across 25 acres, 12 tonnes. Yeah.
42:16 £5,000.
42:18 That's a hit, isn't it?
42:21 You know, it will be a real challenge in this crop to make a profit. Yeah.
42:24 And once his happiness hoover was switched on,
42:29 he was sucking it up from everywhere.
42:32 They're kind of not, but they're not... They're not animals,
42:35 but they're definitely not crutch.
42:37 Oh, here we go. Hello. This is bound to be good news, everybody.
42:40 Why have you brought me... What is it, barley?
42:43 So, I've just been for a crop walk. Yes.
42:45 What we've got with the spring barley is, you know, it went in a bit later.
42:49 Yeah. It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
42:53 Don't tell me that's bad to have all...
42:55 Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
42:58 You might not be able to make beer out of it.
43:01 Because you've got these very early mature ones
43:05 and then there's still enough oomph in the soil
43:08 to throw out these little tillers.
43:11 And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.
43:14 Because we're going to have some immature, fat grains
43:18 in with the mature grains.
43:20 Because you can't physically go and take all these out.
43:23 So, you know... What do we do?
43:26 There's nothing we can do.
43:28 We just have to hope that it's warm and, you know, dry
43:31 and they mature at harvest.
43:33 Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone from here.
43:36 Are you saying that this won't make...?
43:38 Well... What weather do we need?
43:41 We just want not too hot, because I don't want these to mature too early.
43:45 Goldilocks temperature, just right.
43:48 Like today? Like today.
43:50 For the next six weeks? For the next six weeks.
43:52 Eight weeks. Eight weeks.
43:54 If the weather plays ball, we've got half a chance.
43:56 If it doesn't, I'm worried.
43:59 We all know about that. You know about that?
44:02 We've got barley in, we've got wheat in.
44:04 And how's your spring barley doing?
44:06 Seems to be OK, I think.
44:08 You're listening to this? Their spring barley's all right.
44:10 Where are you? Market Harbour.
44:13 Leicestershire. Leicestershire, yeah.
44:15 So, what would you say about our spring...?
44:17 It's the lower shoots are the problem, aren't they?
44:19 The lower shoots are the problem. Exactly.
44:21 Not what you want to be hearing.
44:24 Shit.
44:26 Charlie's gloomy arable forecast
44:31 put something of a dampner on proceedings
44:34 as the farm manager and I met for a whiteboard catch-up
44:38 and found that Caleb's outgoings
44:41 had now gone through the £100,000 barrier.
44:45 It's... It's scary.
44:49 We're having to spend £102,000
44:52 and we can't control the outcome.
44:54 Yeah. Geopolitical events, weather...
44:57 The price at the end of the day. Yeah, exactly.
44:59 Because, I mean... It's like going to a casino.
45:02 If it's a £2 minimum bet, you'll have a punt. Yeah.
45:05 Fun night out with your friends.
45:07 If it's a £50,000 minimum bet... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:09 ..you're not going to bet. No.
45:11 How much would we spend five years ago?
45:14 Oh, probably half that, don't we?
45:16 Because the first-highest price has doubled.
45:18 £78,000. Can you imagine spending £78,000?
45:21 On something you're going to throw on the ground? Yeah.
45:24 You can't even measure its success.
45:26 I mean, I've got four tonne left over.
45:28 Yeah, I think... Do you know what that is?
45:30 Because I've been really... Every time I come to the end of the road,
45:33 I've turned it off quicker. I mean, seed costs have gone up by 35%, 40%.
45:38 Chemicals, you know, they've gone up.
45:43 I mean, for example, glyphosate, yeah?
45:45 Used to be £40 for a 20-litre can. Yeah.
45:48 £162 now.
45:50 £162 for a 20-litre can of glyphosate?
45:54 As wheat, kind of, basically. Yes.
45:56 Christ, these figures are terrifying.
45:59 The only positive is that while my side of the board was also in the red,
46:05 some of my schemes did look like they'd soon be making a profit.
46:09 Honey, that... That will start coming back in again, won't it?
46:13 Yeah, a couple of weeks. Yeah.
46:15 Erm, mushrooms... Yeah.
46:17 ..that could go green. Yeah.
46:20 Mustard, who knows? That should be a good... It should go green.
46:23 Pigs are costing so much. What's going on?
46:25 Well, no, to be honest, this is the total loss at the moment.
46:29 But by the time all those that we're selling are sold... Yeah.
46:33 ..and sold through the shop... We should.
46:35 ..that should go green.
46:37 Hang on, why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?
46:40 It's your field.
46:42 I thought it was your experiment.
46:45 It's on your field.
46:47 How is it fair you make the decision... Yeah. ..and it's on my side?
46:50 I know. It should be on your side. I know.
46:52 LAUGHTER
46:56 I'm fucking crying! What's going on?!
47:09 I've never...
47:11 With Caleb's side of the board looking so shaky,
47:14 it was vital that my unfarmed project succeeded.
47:18 So we had to get a shift on,
47:21 making sure the shop and the burger van,
47:24 newly liberated from their cancelled shackles,
47:27 were ready and able to deal with the summer holiday tourists.
47:31 Check on one burger, one bacon. Thank you very much.
47:35 Go. Measuring.
47:37 This meant getting cracking with the car park.
47:40 What are we on now? 45.
47:43 We'll go 68.
47:45 I didn't think this would be difficult... There.
47:49 ..or expensive... 53 metres.
47:52 ..or time-consuming... Right here.
47:55 ..but I was wrong.
47:57 Very wrong.
47:59 £80,000? Why don't we do it?
48:08 We're going to have this done in two days. No, we're not.
48:12 Oh!
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