Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 06- Mushrooming - Tele Channel
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 06- Mushrooming
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00:30Now that we were heading into high summer it was time for one of the most enjoyable
00:37jobs on the farming calendar. Putting the cows back in the fields after their winter
00:44confinement in the shed. Right so we get four in the trailer and off to cow ground. Yep.
00:51Open that gate up. I like working with you now. What, you didn't used to? No. Go on then cows,
01:07good cows. Go on. Get on. Yes. Go on. There we go. Go on. Right. You going to go on your
01:17own and I'll get the next four in. This is one of my favourite days. Releasing the cows
01:26into the fields because they're so happy. After what, five, six months being locked
01:32up in the barn? They suddenly have the freedom, all that grass and they sort of, just like
01:37oh I remember. I arrived at the cow field remembering well the last time we did this.
01:47Look at them, excited. Cows, free. So happy. I'm free and out. Can you release the raptors?
01:59Wait. There you're free, now go.
02:18Is that it? Come on, what's all the running around? You're supposed to dance around and be happy.
02:31You ungrateful bastards.
02:37After that letdown I went to inspect my space penises, fully expecting some more
02:44disappointment. Right, I'm rather optimistically going to bring one crate, two crates, two
02:54crates for my mushrooms. Get into my Darth Vader outfit, my rubber gloves on.
03:00Yee! Holy moly. Look at those. And those. This is amazing. Look at these beauties, look at this.
03:20This could work, this could actually work. What you do to pick them, it's a twisting strangling
03:29motion. Like, that's not quite right. God I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.
03:41Having boxed up the mushrooms, I hightailed it over to the farm shop before it opened for business.
03:47Lisa? Yeah? I've got good news. Yeah? Wow, they're beautiful. They are, aren't they?
03:57What are they? Grey oyster mushrooms. I've made a thing for them. So we're selling them by the punnet.
04:03Yep. How much do you reckon for a punnet? I say £3, £3.50. Yep. We then went to show them to Scott,
04:10the chef in the shop's burger van. Wow. Aren't they beautiful? And these are all grown up at the...
04:16We're growing these and we're going to have a regular supply of mushrooms. We can do mushrooms
04:21on toast or something. Yeah, mushrooms on toast. Yeah, amazing. Everybody wants mushrooms on toast.
04:26Maybe make some mushroom ketchup if you get to the end and you've got loads left. Ooh. Nice. Yeah.
04:31Mushroom soup? Yeah, whatever you like. I mean, we can get a mushroom crepe. Vegan burger? Yeah.
04:34Finally we get some vegan. Shit. What have you done? What's wrong, love? I know. What's wrong?
04:46You all right? Are you crying or laughing? We've won the appeal. Shut up. No way. Oh, no.
04:54Oh, my God. We've won the appeal. Well done. Oh, wow. Oh, what happened? Tell me, tell me, tell me.
05:02Stop. I'm just reading it. I'm reading it. Well done, guys. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I'm so worried.
05:09It's a hell of a long document, but... Bloody hell, that's juicy.
05:12Point 41, I shall, for the purposes of clarity and understanding, this is the planning inspector,
05:19correct the allegation to a change of use to a mixed-use comprising agriculture, cafe,
05:26restaurant, farm shop, parking and lavatory facilities. He's given us the whole shebang.
05:33The whole lot. Yes. I mean, we aren't... It seems we aren't... That's gone. We aren't allowed to
05:38have a restaurant there. I take that. But we can have this here. Amazing. And we can make that a
05:43cafe in there. Do we? This is the biggest fuck you to the council I've ever... Oh, my God. I've
05:54been so worried. That is amazing. But it's also, like, common sense. Well, of course it's common
05:59sense. I know. The council didn't have any, and there's an inspector. Do you think the council
06:02will appeal? I don't think... And spend everyone else's money? I don't think the council will
06:06appeal. This inspector's taken... How long has he taken? Four months? I don't think he's going
06:11to have made a mistake, has he? Basically, we're safe, and it seems to be for three years.
06:16We're good. We're good to go for three years. We're back in business.
06:27Lisa decided to celebrate this victory over the council by inviting all her
06:33thin, blonde Oxfordshire friends over for a spot of goat yoga.
06:48I'm sure this was all very modern, but I hadn't bought the goats to be used as wellness props.
06:55I'd bought them to lay waste to my brambles, something they could hopefully start doing
07:01now they had a campsite. However, we could only move them up there if they were big enough.
07:11Right. Do you know what we're doing? We've got to weigh them. And then, if it's underweight...
07:18Yep. That's less than, I think, 17 kilograms. We spray it red. Not the whole thing. 17 kilos?
07:25Yeah. And then if it's ready to go outside, it's green, and we're hoping they're all green,
07:30because Lisa's coming to take away the milk machine. Yeah, they're on solids now, aren't they?
07:35How do we get them into the harness? Yeah. Yeah, look. Well, you know how you get into it.
07:42Right. OK, let's take a fatty. Stop eating my jeans. Quick. Stop it! No!
07:51Ow! Ooh! Stop it! OK, that is 96. You didn't... No, well, 96 watts.
08:0096 pounds. Kilograms. It's not 96 kilograms. It's heavier than me. Right, it's green.
08:08Don't let go until we spray it. Yeah, we'll just spray it. It's all right.
08:12Don't let go. Don't let go. Bring it back. That's going to lose it.
08:17Wait, I'm just going to... Oh, my God. It's going to be days. Stop it. No, that's not going to work.
08:23You've got to get it in the middle. It's fucking heavy enough, I can tell you. This one's just coughed
08:27and been sick all over. Get off! Get off! This one is 16 with two back legs on the floor. Well,
08:34that's not... It's not accurate. That is definitely over 17. In the middle of this festival of
08:39incompetence... Come on, man. ..Lizzie, the goat expert, arrived. Hi, Lizzie. What are you, er,
08:47doing? Weighing them. How's that going? Not very well. No, you surprised me. What did we say?
08:55Yeah, but we haven't marked it. I have. Oh, you have? Yes. Is there an easier way of doing it?
09:00Yeah, I can definitely think of one. Use the scales, that would be my recommendation.
09:05How do you make a goat stand on a weigh scale? It's just... He'll stand there. It'll be fine.
09:14So that's plugged into the mains, yeah? Yeah, all good.
09:17Will you stand just by the screen? Yep. When I put him on, it should give you a weight.
09:22Oh, yeah, 19.46. There you go. So... Ow! That really hurts. You're getting weighed next for
09:29being a horrible goat. Christ almighty. This is a porker. Wow. 28.66. So next time, if you put your
09:39hand... Yes, I've got that wrong. Yeah. 23.92. So you have grown good, solid, healthy goats.
09:46So we're happy. We're happy. We're very happy. You've done a very good job.
09:51The boys are certainly over 17. Yep. And are... Ready to go out. Very ready to go out. Right.
10:00Before moving the goats to their campsite, there was something I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
10:06What's this I heard about while I was reading in my book? That if they escape, then they're...
10:13That would be... Yeah, like... Get off.
10:16I can't stop it. If you get the fencing wrong, it's carnage, because you'll never keep them in,
10:22like, ever. Once they learn, they're so clever. If they start escaping, that's... Oh, fuck me!
10:30I think it's time to... Jesus Christ. Right.
10:37Sorry, what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?
10:40It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right. So... Oh!
10:47Do you want a lunchbox? Yeah. You need a cricket box. They do know.
10:52It's because I cut their balls off. Ow! That really hurts. Don't do that again.
10:57Do not... Don't do that again. Get off! They used to be so sweet. They were so small and cute.
11:05Now they're just eating things. But if one does keep getting out... Yeah. Best one in the world,
11:11what damage is it going to do, apart from kicking people in the nuts? So, we had one really bad
11:16group years and years ago, and they went for all our sapling trees, and they went through two fields
11:21to get to the sapling trees. They could go onto the roads and cause an accident. Or, like, your
11:25chillies. I mean, I don't know how many chillies they'd eat, but they would certainly go through
11:29your polytunnel. Horns in a polytunnel wouldn't be a good mix. So, really, we've got to be very
11:34careful. You really, really do. Yeah. Oh, my God. Can you imagine that? Look at Joey. He's in real trouble.
11:40It's our decoy here.
11:44He likes you a lot. Nothing sacred. Ow!
11:49We then showed Lizzie the field where the goats would live.
11:54If I leave this alone for much longer, it'll all just be bramble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll take
11:59the worst of the brambles out. And at every opportunity, she came back to the topic of their
12:06escaping skills. And do they need things to climb on? We tend not to give them stuff outside, because
12:13they roll them into the electric fence and then use that as an escape. No. Yes. What, like Stalag Luft 3?
12:19Yeah, honestly. Rewind. If we put the sort of wooden toys they've got in their barn now... Yeah.
12:27...and put them in here, they'll push them up to the fence and use them as a launching pad. Yeah, we found
12:31that with, like, you know, the big sort of oil barrels. They would roll them up into the fence,
12:34either short the fence out or use them to hop over. No. That's so cruel. They'll definitely, they will be up
12:39on that pig hark and over that fence, like, within hours if they had access to it. Jeez. Clever.
12:46They're very intelligent. Do not underestimate them.
12:48While we were wondering if a goat could jump a fence on a motorcycle, Caleb and Charlie were
13:01having a much grander day in London. They'd been invited to Downing Street to talk to the Prime
13:08Minister about his Back British Farm to Fork initiative. And given the importance of the
13:15meeting, they met in a cafe for a pre-match chat. So, today? Yeah. Quite a lot of people going?
13:23Quite big. Cheers. Jeremy told me to say, he said, Caleb, um, if you want any talking points,
13:29just tell Ricky that he's probably not going to be Prime Minister anymore. Rishi. Rishi. The
13:34President. Oh, the Prime Minister, sorry. That's, that'll be a great place to start. I would definitely
13:38go... Hello, Mr President. How are you, Ricky? I'd be afraid you'd come and see me on the weekend.
13:42You're not going to be Prime Minister next time. Um, so what are you going to talk about?
13:47What's your focus? I want to go in on young farmers. Good. Young people getting into farming.
13:52Yeah. You can't go and farm your own farm nowadays. A, they're so expensive,
13:56and B, everything's in a, in a scheme. Yeah. I got a quote for tracts yesterday. Yeah. After
14:02discount, it's £205,000. I know, it's insane. Oh, Christ, we'd better go. We're going to be late.
14:13Trafalgar Square. Oh, I drove through here. Yeah. I, I didn't put my indicator on in this
14:18junction here. Really? Yeah. There's Nelson, look. Who's Nelson? He was an Admiral. He's
14:25quite high up, isn't he? He won a battle. Well, do you know what he's looking at? What? So,
14:30you see where those flags are? Yeah. That's Admiralty Arch. Okay. Right. And he's looking,
14:35on the top of the arch, there are loads of ships. Right. And he, he, he, he led the Battle of
14:41Trafalgar against the French. All that concrete to build a man that's looking over some...
14:46I heart London. Fuck that. Can I press the button? You press the button.
14:53Where are we going? We're going down Whitehall, which is... What is that? It's, it's a... No,
14:58what? It's a very, uh, let's keep going. So, here we are. This is Whitehall. This is where it all
15:05happens. What happens? Management of the country. There you go. Cabinet officers. What's that? You
15:12know what the cabinet is? No. They're sort of the more senior ministers. And they all work in there,
15:16do they? I don't know what time it is. What time is it? It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,
15:22it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's... No, we're a bit early. We'll hang around.
15:38Morning. Morning. Morning. You're now just going to try and get people to say good morning? Yeah.
15:47Morning.
15:49They'll think you're a fruitcake.
15:51I'm just saying, morning.
15:54They don't want to talk.
15:57Soon it was time for them to head for that famous black door.
16:05Ready? We've got a knock.
16:11What, knock?
16:14Hi, guys. How are you doing?
16:17Thank you very much.
16:19If you knock that loud again, I'll throw you out.
16:22Say that again? Don't knock so loud.
16:24Sorry, where from? I don't care.
16:26OK. Bye for now. OK.
16:30Told us.
16:33While Caleb and Charlie were being told off
16:36by the Downing Street door police...
16:38Come on, goats, let's get you in.
16:40..Lisa and I were finally moving the goats into their new home.
16:45So the idea is, this is their training garden. Yep.
16:49And they live in here until they've really eaten all the dock leaves
16:52and what have you. OK. Then you move them down.
16:55And the idea is that their mouths get, you know, used to...
16:58Hardened. Yes, exactly.
17:00And they get hard mouths.
17:02But then you see the bramble bushes,
17:04which is what I really wanted to start eating. Yes, yes.
17:07So when they start hitting brambles,
17:09that's going to be the interesting thing for me.
17:11That's what I want them to eat.
17:13Before all that, though,
17:15we had to go through the unpleasant but necessary business
17:19of getting them used to the electric fencing.
17:22Out you come.
17:24Oh, they are coming out.
17:26So the white fence is gentle power. Yes.
17:29And the orange fence is the National Grid.
17:32Oh, look, I'm plotting a...
17:34I've got an escape route here.
17:36Hey, guys, follow me.
17:39I reckon we can be over in a jiffy.
17:43Whoa, was that a zap?
17:45Oh, no, they're eating the gateposts.
17:49OK, I'm not eating the gateposts anymore.
17:52Oh!
17:56Sorry.
17:58Wow.
18:06It's not funny. No, it's really mild.
18:08It's not funny.
18:10I shouldn't laugh.
18:12I'm not amused.
18:14I don't like to see animals in pain,
18:16but they do have to learn.
18:19And quite quickly, they got the message.
18:23Well, look at them all now in the middle.
18:25Yeah. Their escape plans are in tatters
18:28because of my security.
18:30Eat.
18:32Get your mouths hardened and then you can go and eat brambles.
18:37Back at number 10,
18:39Charlie was taking part in a highbrow think tank discussion.
18:43But you went through the list of grants there.
18:46Mm. And you haven't listed them all.
18:49No. And all the schemes.
18:51No. You do need a PhD now in grant applications if you're a farmer.
18:56Meanwhile, out in the garden,
18:58President Ricky was in full schmooze mode.
19:01How are you, Richie? Very nice to see you.
19:03So what have you got? Is this all from the farm?
19:06We've got a Fendham flag sausage,
19:08our traditional butcher sausage, our great bramble bagels.
19:11And then we've just got some bacon going as well.
19:14Oh, my God. We were having Cabinet up there.
19:17Literally, that was a Cabinet room there
19:19and everyone was just distracted and smelling your stuff coming through.
19:22It was great.
19:24Look at this.
19:26Then in the actual Cabinet office...
19:28How are you?
19:30..Caleb got to meet the Prime Minister.
19:32Thanks for coming. Caleb, how are you?
19:35And this was his big moment
19:37to talk about attracting youngsters into farming.
19:41Are you OK? I'm very well, thank you.
19:43You've got lovely hair. Me? Yes.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:47That's good. Had you heard otherwise? No, no, no.
19:49It was the general public.
19:51When the conversation moved outside,
19:53Caleb finally did talk about young farmers.
19:57But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point.
20:01You know, farming's not a job, it's a way of life. Yeah.
20:04That is it. There's no other option there.
20:06It's a way of life. You don't get up there and go,
20:08oh, I've got to go to work today.
20:10I never ever wake up in the morning and go, you know what,
20:12I've really got to go to work today, I've got to do an 8-to-5 job,
20:14I can't wait to finish.
20:16Halfway through the day you have your lunch and you go,
20:18oh, I want to go home. I never do that.
20:20I wake up in the morning and go, right, what am I doing today?
20:22Yesterday, the day before, sorry, I was out there
20:24milking cows in the morning.
20:26Then I went out there and started mowing for silage.
20:28And then I was spraying. No day is the same.
20:30You have to have a dream.
20:32Because a dream is somewhere to go and somewhere to get to.
20:34And as soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in two years,
20:36three years, five years, you've done it.
20:38Set another dream.
20:40And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't work unless you...
20:44While Caleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt,
20:48Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker
20:51to see if any more had fruited.
20:55Oh, shit!
20:57Oh, my God!
21:00Oh, my God!
21:02What's wrong?
21:05Oh, God!
21:07Look at this.
21:09How many we've got. Thousands and thousands.
21:11Oh, my God, so those are those?
21:13It's incredible.
21:15Oh, my God!
21:19Jesus!
21:21These are ready.
21:23They're very ready.
21:25Right.
21:2824 hours ago, that didn't exist.
21:31And where's the matter come from that's made it in 24 hours?
21:38You need to get selling mushrooms.
21:43What's more, the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms
21:46had started to appear.
21:50It's like a sponge that's mated with a cauliflower.
21:53And that's a mushroom.
21:56The man said that he reckons that they're space penises.
22:00That does look like it's from space, that really does.
22:08There was no way we could fit even a tenth of this lot
22:11into the farm's shop.
22:13So I had to abandon my plans for the day
22:16and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
22:21Now, can I interest you in the new Diddley Squat range?
22:24Grey oyster mushrooms.
22:26These are not like you get at the supermarket.
22:28Or lion's mane mushrooms.
22:31Please, may I have some of those?
22:33Yes, of course.
22:35That is cost... That's 427 grams.
22:39That would be £12.81.
22:42OK. Ooh!
22:44Just out of curiosity,
22:46are you selling space penises?
22:50No.
23:00Up in Piggie Wood, it had now been 11 weeks
23:03since Ajax the boar had done...
23:06more things with the sows.
23:08These are the four in question.
23:10Well, hopefully pregnant. Yeah, yeah.
23:13So a local pig expert had come round to scan them.
23:17And the news was good.
23:20They're all pregnant. They're all pregnant, yeah.
23:22All up the duff.
23:23So we don't have to sell them,
23:25cos if they hadn't have been up the duff,
23:27they're just eating food for no reason
23:29and they'd have to be baconed.
23:31Gerald! Oh, Gerald, hello, hello.
23:33Oh, sorry.
23:36You all right? Yeah.
23:38Lovely piggies. Aren't they great?
23:40Yeah. You ever kept pigs?
23:42Well, I'm actually...
23:44This is the mother's?
23:46Yeah. I've heard stories about sows and boars.
23:49They can be nasty, can't they? What can?
23:52Sows, and when they've got the right stuff with the combine,
23:56then you're shooting.
23:58When they've got those broths coming out the side,
24:00turn to...
24:03Um, Gerald? Yes, my love?
24:05When you planted all these trees, was it 60 years ago or so?
24:08Yeah. You planted these trees?
24:10Yeah. 60 years ago? No way!
24:12Yeah. This was all bombing on,
24:14all the summits, found it there,
24:16and all the way up then, yeah,
24:18they grazed right to the...
24:20These were all tyres and that.
24:22So these trees are younger than you?
24:25Yeah.
24:27Oh, this is Gerald's wood.
24:29Used to get the old shovel like that...
24:31Wow, Gerald.
24:32..and then drop that thing in and then heal them in.
24:35I went round with a...
24:37It's called, damn funny enough,
24:39and then with a pole with the fluid in there.
24:42As the years went on, there was...
24:45All those wellingtonies was and all,
24:47that was all walkon, they were original wood, they were.
24:50You know, there was...
24:52At least once a fortnight,
24:54got the feet up for the, um...
24:57Stinging nettles.
24:59Similar to that, it was.
25:02That's when bosses were bosses
25:04and you didn't say no to them.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:09Oh, I'm really chuffed.
25:11I did not know that you'd done this.
25:13I'm... That's brilliant.
25:15So it shall become known, we shall rename it Gerald's Wood.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:25We were now well into June
25:27and life on the farm was a smorgasbord of busyness.
25:39Up in a field called Downs Ground,
25:41I took part in my first ever grass harvest.
25:46This involved wrapping bales of grass in plastic sheeting,
25:50which we'd feed to the cows in the winter.
25:56So we're collecting silage, yes?
25:59Silage is grass that has been put in a bag,
26:02which is wet and it's going to ferment
26:04with all the sugars that naturally come off the grass,
26:07so we're feeding the cows with high sugar content.
26:12Caleb was still annoyed that when my pigs had been in this field...
26:17..they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
26:23Why have we got Jeremy? Keep out.
26:26Because you keep fucking up this field!
26:29But nevertheless, it looked like we were getting a good crop.
26:37I quite like being a grass farmer.
26:39It's quite sort of mathematical and pleasing, you know?
26:42I've done that right.
26:43It's like, you know, when you mow your lawn
26:45and you don't have to go over a bit, you've already done.
26:49I wonder if he mows his lawns.
26:53All done.
26:54As soon as the grass harvest was finished...
26:58So we need to have a look at the fertiliser spreader. Yeah.
27:01..it was time for the annual red tractor inspection,
27:04where we have to prove the farm is clean and well run.
27:08Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.
27:10And given that Caleb was now farm manager...
27:1316680.
27:16..things this time round were very unstressful.
27:21NSF record book. That's great.
27:24It's all here.
27:25You've got your Thursday box up here, which is great.
27:28Correct signage. Yeah. Lovely.
27:30Sun bucket there. That's great. Morning.
27:32How you doing? Morning. You've got mushrooms.
27:35Everywhere, he just appeared with mushrooms.
27:38I just live underground, though.
27:41Yep, no matter how busy Caleb was...
27:46..the mushrooms were keeping me busier.
28:03So, this is the fourth road bridge I've created,
28:07because all day I've been selling mushrooms constantly,
28:12and we still have this many,
28:14and tomorrow morning there'll be this many again,
28:17and the next day, and the next day.
28:21In fact, I had so many mushrooms
28:24that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van,
28:28I was now hawking them round local pubs
28:31and even rival farm shops.
28:35I had some last night.
28:37I cannot tell you how good they are.
28:39I mean, I cut some last night.
28:41Amazing. Jesus, I had these last night.
28:43They're fantastic.
28:45But even though my incredibly varied sales patter
28:48was shifting some decent quantities...
28:50Five. We'll have five kilos.
28:521.2. 6.1 kilo.
28:55..I was still barely scratching the surface.
29:00For fuck's sake!
29:08However, there was still time amongst all the madness
29:12to pause for the occasional treat.
29:16I've got a big surprise for you.
29:18Oh, is it a proposal?
29:22Every time I think you've got a surprise,
29:24I'm like, he's going to propose!
29:26Every time!
29:30Remember the tree fell down?
29:32We put it back up again.
29:34Yeah. Come and have a look.
29:39Look at that.
29:41That's the tree we put back up.
29:43Oh! Wow.
29:45I thought you were going to say,
29:48I'm so happy. Yeah.
29:50Cos it had been down for six months and it's alive.
29:56Do you know what's weird?
29:58It's that the little branches are growing from absolutely everywhere.
30:01I know, it's incredible.
30:03That is what's called bursting back into life, isn't it?
30:05It sure is, yeah.
30:07Well done. That's really nice.
30:09I'm really happy with that.
30:11Yeah. I'll think about the proposal, OK? I'm not ready yet.
30:14Yes.
30:18However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
30:21isn't always a source of joy.
30:25Sometimes it can be downright annoying.
30:29A point brought into sharp focus...
30:31Oh, Christ, I'm waiting.
30:33..when Caleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.
30:38I mean, is this...?
30:40We just can't get to it any more.
30:42We'll have to come through with a chainsaw and cut all this back.
30:45When were we last here?
30:47It wasn't that long ago.
30:51Now a jungle has happened.
30:56Happily, though, this meant I had an excuse to fire up Wally...
31:02..my most favourite machine in the world.
31:08Oh! I'm back.
31:11The emotional support unit.
31:17The machine of destruction.
31:19Look at it.
31:21Mincing.
31:25Atomising.
31:32What is...? Huh? Chainsaw trousers.
31:34Are those just the front of you?
31:36Yeah, yeah, so if you're going through like this, yeah,
31:38and you hit yourself, they hit this,
31:40and it tangles it up and stalls the engine.
31:42It is broke back.
31:44What's that?
31:46Yeah, it's good dogs. Good dogs.
31:48Sit. Sit.
31:50Sit.
31:52Sit.
31:54Sit.
31:56Sit. Sit.
31:59Now it's gone. And that one's gone as well, then.
32:03WHIRRING
32:06Having cleared a new path to the damn site,
32:09we got into a construction worker state of mind
32:13and moved on to the next job.
32:16Lunch.
32:24That looks better now, doesn't it?
32:28I've had a thought.
32:31Why are we using that tube
32:33when we could use these sleepers instead?
32:37Oh, I see. Just put the sleepers across and then put the...?
32:40If we put the sleepers across there...
32:42You see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:44If we've got the digger, dug out a hole...
32:46Put some post in like this. Exactly.
32:48Exactly. Put some post in, you slot one in,
32:50then another, then another.
32:52Then all you have to do with the clay is back up the sleepers,
32:56and then the water simply comes over the top of the sleepers.
33:05Haven't we done that before?
33:07I just got it in my head, oh, well, we need a pipe,
33:09but we don't need a pipe, do we?
33:11We'll take the pipe out of the way, then, won't we?
33:13Use it somewhere else. Take it back to the farm.
33:15We'll take that back to the farm, certainly.
33:23Unhook it.
33:25You know what I've just worked out?
33:27What's that?
33:29We are now exactly back to where we began in January.
33:35Pipe at the top of the field, nothing done down there.
33:40Never going to finish this fucking dam.
33:45However, now we have the sleeper plan in place,
33:49I was much more optimistic that we would.
33:52Pull it through, crowd her back, tuck crowd her in.
33:55For the first time ever, I want to leave further ahead
33:59than we were when we got here.
34:03Having prepped the site and rammed some supporting posts into the mud,
34:08it was time to place the sleepers.
34:11Ready? Go.
34:14Right, digger man.
34:17Bud crack alert! Bud crack alert!
34:21Warning. Warning.
34:27Down. More rabs.
34:29Using the digger scoop,
34:31I then pushed the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
34:36However...
34:39It floats.
34:41We hadn't thought of that, had we?
34:43I'll stand on it forever.
34:46Do you not bring any nails in at all?
34:48It's not... You'll never...
34:50If you put a nail in over the top of the sleeper,
34:53you're creating a bigger crack. The water will get through.
34:56I just want to put a nail there so I can get up it.
34:58Yes, I know, but when the next sleeper goes on top,
35:00there'll be a nail-sized gap between the two of them.
35:02So we need some...
35:04Well, clamps.
35:06Something like clamps.
35:08What you can do is get a big screw.
35:10To go through a southern railway,
35:13to go through a southern railway sleeper...
35:15Yeah.
35:17..we've got to go to Stoag.
35:19I'm not suggesting we put another sleeper on
35:22until that one is securely fastened in place.
35:26Look.
35:28Why isn't that in a book somewhere, that wood floats?
35:31Can you rest that on top of that?
35:33Yeah, can you stand on it, then?
35:37You got it? There you go.
35:39There we go.
35:41Right.
35:43Another afternoon's work,
35:46and what we've done is...
35:49..nothing of any great worth.
35:54I'm not going to be defeated by this dam, though.
35:56I'm just not.
35:59It would, however, be a while before I could get back to the dam,
36:03because, predictably, there were more mushrooms to shift.
36:08Shit!
36:13However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
36:16She reckoned that if we dried the lion's mane mushrooms
36:19in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit and sold them as a powder,
36:24she'd make more money than I was, selling them as actual mushrooms.
36:30OK, so you can sell 100 grams for £3.
36:33Yeah. And they last five days? Mm-hm.
36:36I can sell 100 grams for £30, and it lasts for a year.
36:42So, lion's mane, I went into Chippy earlier,
36:44and there's a little health food shop in there,
36:46and I asked them how much they sell their lion's mane for,
36:49and they say they get it in once a week,
36:51and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
36:53It's really good. It says here,
36:55lion's mane mushroom powder, 30 servings, for £40?
37:00Yes. £40? Yes.
37:03I put it in my coffee every morning,
37:05and it's like having a spearmint that goes through your head.
37:08Your whole mind just opens up and you're really clear-thinking,
37:12and the mornings I don't take it, I really notice the difference.
37:15It's amazing.
37:16Hold on, it says here that it's good for your focus, memory and digestion.
37:21Yeah. Right.
37:22So, this is the nutrition values on it, yeah?
37:26Yeah. Total fat, 0. Excellent.
37:28Sodium, 0. Excellent.
37:30Total carbohydrate, 0.
37:32Natural sugars, 0.
37:34Added sugars, 0.
37:36Protein, 0.
37:37There's nothing in it. Excellent.
37:40Well, how can it help your memory and focus and digestion
37:43when it contains nothing?
37:45The magic of mushrooms.
37:46Yes, I know, but if you add butter, there's a point to it.
37:50How can people... Why?
37:52Are you complaining or are you growing mushrooms?
37:54I'm going to struggle to stand in the shop and say,
37:57would you like to buy this mushroom powder?
37:59They go, what's in it? Nothing.
38:01Honestly, Lisa, do your friends eat this shit?
38:06Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.
38:10I don't understand this at all.
38:12Hello.
38:13Hello, cheerful.
38:15Welcome to a world where Lisa is planning on selling 50 grams for 40 quid.
38:21Wow. What are you doing?
38:23So, look, this is my little dehydrator. Yeah.
38:25So, this here was a full tray and it goes down next to nothing
38:30and then I'll just put it in a blender, blend it up,
38:32stick it in little bags, put it best within 12 months.
38:36You're going to sell powder in baggies from a Range Rover?
38:39So, you... OK.
38:41How do you know it lasts a year?
38:43Because once it's dried and powdered, it has 12 months,
38:47because the stuff I buy is dried and powdered and that's it,
38:49and it's 12 months.
38:50So, how do you think they will know that they've tested it?
38:53They've done their testing, yeah.
38:54But that's not they've done their testing.
38:56They have, and ours is even better because it comes from down the road.
38:59They've done their testing. Uh-huh.
39:01So, they've validated... Yeah.
39:03..and verified... Yeah.
39:05..the fact that... Because dehydrating, you're taking all the moisture out...
39:07Yes. ..to remove the water content...
39:09Yes. ..so it doesn't grow...
39:11It doesn't grow mould... Bacteria.
39:13Yes, exactly.
39:14So, you've done your hazard analysis and critical control point checks.
39:18Hasap. It's food, basic food standards.
39:21No, no, no. This is from farm to farm, so you don't have to do that.
39:25Because... No, no, no.
39:27That's if you're selling to the wider market.
39:29I am allowed, Charlie.
39:31I am allowed to grow tomatoes here and sell them in the shop,
39:34and you're allowed to do that within a farm shop thingy?
39:37No.
39:38But, you know, once it's dried, it's dehydrated,
39:40there's nothing in it but powder...
39:42How do you know it's dry?
39:44Because it'll go into a powder.
39:46Yeah, but in three weeks' time, it might be full of mould,
39:48and yet you've sold it to somebody, and then it's mouldy.
39:50So, it didn't last a year. It would have lasted...
39:52Well, I can... Three weeks.
39:54OK, so what's your solution, Charlie?
39:56We could test it, and then... And then...
39:58No, test it, and there'll be a laboratory.
40:00We're going to find out who, you know, tests it.
40:02Or we could just sell them as mushrooms all day.
40:05But that's a waste, though, because I want a lion's mane in your tea
40:08in the morning, or your coffee. You don't.
40:10Nobody wants that. While we're doing...
40:12How many men do that? None.
40:14No, not the men that you know, because you were born two millenniums ago.
40:17This millennium, people, they know all about it.
40:19OK, as a solution, why do you need to put a year on it?
40:23You just put six weeks, two months.
40:25OK. And that... And that covers my ass.
40:27Yeah. OK.
40:29But you'll have to test it for that long.
40:31OK, oh. Right, OK, onwards.
40:33I shall go and swab him. OK, well, I'm going to...
40:35I might as well just keep on drawing here, yeah?
40:37OK, you need to... You need to record what you're doing.
40:40OK. I have dried this for two hours.
40:43I'll do a video, yeah. Good.
40:45I've got to take some... Happy hassapping.
40:47OK, so, first of all, video.
40:49First of all, I wash the mushroom...
40:51No, I didn't. First of all, I cut them off the base,
40:54then I wash them in there, in a fridge, in a...
40:58First of all, I cut the bottom off,
41:00and then I wash them, and the whole kitchen has been...
41:04..certified.
41:10As we came to the end of June,
41:12everything on the farm was looking wonderful.
41:17But there was a big but,
41:19because Charlie was not a happy man.
41:24Put simply, the weather had not been playing ball.
41:29March had been the wettest for 40 years.
41:34May had been freezing.
41:38And June had been the hottest on record.
41:43This looks a mess, doesn't it?
41:45Why?
41:46And already, Charlie could see the effects of all this turbulence
41:50by examining what remained of Caleb's oilseed rape.
41:55You know, it hasn't pollinated brilliantly, it hasn't...
41:59So we've got quite a few misses,
42:01and that's probably when it was cold and miserable in April.
42:04Yeah. It hasn't thrived, has it? No.
42:09You know, we're half a tonne an acre down. Yeah.
42:12Across 25 acres, 12 tonnes. Yeah.
42:16£5,000.
42:19That's a hit, isn't it?
42:20You know, it will be a real challenge in this crop to make a profit.
42:23Yeah.
42:26And once his happiness hoover was switched on,
42:29he was sucking it up from everywhere.
42:32They're kind of not, but they're not...
42:34They're not animals, but they're definitely not crutch.
42:37Oh, here we go. Hello.
42:38This is bound to be good news, everybody.
42:41Why have you brought me... What is it, barley?
42:43So, I've just been for a crop walk. Yes.
42:46What we've got with the spring barley is,
42:48you know it went in a bit later? Yeah.
42:51It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
42:54Don't tell me that's bad to have all...
42:56Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
42:59You might not be able to make beer out of it.
43:03Because you've got these very early mature ones,
43:06and then there's still enough oomph in the soil
43:09to throw out these little tillers,
43:12and those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.
43:15Because we're going to have some immature, fat grains
43:19in with the mature grains.
43:20Because you can't physically go and take all these out.
43:24So, you know...
43:26What do we do? There's nothing we can do.
43:28We just have to hope that it's warm and, you know, dry
43:31and they mature at harvest.
43:32Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone from here.
43:36Are you saying that this won't make...
43:38Well... What weather do we need?
43:41We just want not too hot,
43:43because I don't want these to mature too early.
43:45Goldilocks temperature, just right.
43:48Like today? Like today.
43:50For the next six weeks? For the next six weeks.
43:52Eight weeks. Eight weeks.
43:53If the weather plays ball, we've got half a chance.
43:56If it doesn't, I'm worried.
43:59Yeah, we all know about that.
44:01You know about that? We've got barley in, we've got wheat in.
44:04And how's your spring barley doing?
44:06It seems to be OK, I think.
44:08You're listening to this. Their spring barley's all right.
44:10Where are you? Market Harbour, Leicestershire.
44:14So what would you say about our spring?
44:17The lower shoots are the problem, aren't they?
44:19The lower shoots are the problem, exactly.
44:21Not what you want to be hearing.
44:29Charlie's gloomy arable forecast
44:31put something of a dampner on proceedings
44:34as the farm manager and I met for a whiteboard catch-up
44:39and found that Caleb's outgoings
44:41had now gone through the £100,000 barrier.
44:47It's scary.
44:49We're having to spend £102,000
44:52and we can't control the outcome.
44:54Geopolitical events, weather...
44:57The price at the end of the day.
44:59Yeah, exactly.
45:00It's like going to a casino.
45:02If it's a £2 minimum bet, you'll have a punt.
45:05Fun night out with your friends.
45:07If it's a £50,000 minimum bet, you're not going to bet.
45:11No.
45:12How much would we spend five years ago?
45:15Oh, probably half that, don't we?
45:17Because the first-hider price has doubled.
45:19£78,000.
45:20Can you imagine spending £78,000...
45:23On something you're going to throw on the ground?
45:25Yeah.
45:26You can't even measure its success.
45:28I mean, I've got four tonne left over.
45:30Do you know what that is?
45:32Every time I come to the end of the road, I've turned it off quicker.
45:35Chemicals have gone up by 35%, 40%.
45:41Chemicals, you know, they've gone up.
45:44I mean, for example, glyphosate, yeah?
45:46Used to be £40 for a 20-litre can.
45:49£162 now.
45:51£162 for a 20-litre can of glyphosate.
45:55That's weed killer, basically.
45:57Yes.
45:58Christ, these figures are terrifying.
46:01My only positive is that while my side of the board was also in the red,
46:06some of my schemes did look like they'd soon be making a profit.
46:11Honey, that...
46:13That will start coming back in again, won't it?
46:15Yeah, a couple of weeks.
46:17Mushrooms, that could go green.
46:20Mustard, who knows?
46:22That should be a good moment.
46:24Pigs are costing so much. What's going on?
46:26Well, no, to be honest, this is the total loss at the moment.
46:30By the time all those that we're selling are sold... Yeah.
46:33..and sold through the shop... We should.
46:35..that should go green.
46:37Hang on, why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?
46:40It's your field.
46:42But it's... I thought it was your experiment.
46:45Yeah, on your field.
46:46How is it fair you make the decision... Yeah.
46:48..and it's on my side? I know.
46:50It should be on your side. No.
46:53LAUGHTER
47:00LAUGHTER
47:06I'm fucking crying. What's going on?
47:09I've never...
47:11With Caleb's side of the board looking so shaky,
47:14it was vital that my unfarmed project succeeded.
47:19So we had to get a shift on,
47:21making sure the shop and the burger van,
47:24newly liberated from their cancelled shackles,
47:27were ready and able to deal with the summer holiday tourists.
47:31Check on one burger, one bacon.
47:33Thank you very much.
47:35Go. Measuring.
47:37This meant getting cracking with the car park.
47:40What are we on now? 45.
47:43We'll go 68.
47:45I didn't think this would be difficult...
47:48There.
47:49..or expensive... 53 metres.
47:52..or time-consuming... Right here.
47:55..but I was wrong.
47:57Very wrong.
48:04£80,000?
48:06Why don't we do it?
48:08We're going to have this done in two days.
48:10No, we're not.
48:25.
48:55.
49:25.