Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 07- Parking
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TVTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:39 As the summer heat descended on Diddley Squat,
00:42 [MUSIC]
00:45 Charlie retired to his office to get quotes for building our new farm shop car park.
00:50 [MUSIC]
00:55 This was now extremely urgent as the summer visitors had arrived and were whiling away the hours up there,
01:02 tucking into burgers made with our beef.
01:05 [MUSIC]
01:07 Drinking not only my Hawkston lager,
01:10 [MUSIC]
01:12 but also Caleb's new Hawkston cider.
01:15 [MUSIC]
01:20 And me?
01:21 Yes.
01:23 Oh, look at these, they're spectacular.
01:26 Well, I was now the mushroom king of Chipping Norton,
01:31 delivering them every day to a range of farm shops and pubs in the area.
01:38 Busy, busy, busy.
01:42 Mushrooms are what I provided for the crew's lunch every day, for a month.
01:51 And they're all I could ever talk about.
01:54 Because apparently you take the bags out from where they're going now,
01:57 when they stop flushing, I think they do three flushes.
02:00 Then you take them outside and they continue to just woo outside, but you put new bags in.
02:07 Okay.
02:09 [MUSIC]
02:15 A pause in proceedings was coming though, because as I've just explained so rivetingly to Annie,
02:22 the bags I'd originally bought were exhausted and needed to be cleared out.
02:28 So I could replace them with some new ones.
02:33 Let's put them down this end while we still have strength,
02:37 because by the end of it we don't want to go walking all down there.
02:41 So let's put them over yonder.
02:44 Hi, Charlie.
02:45 Hi.
02:46 How are you?
02:47 I'm very well.
02:49 You sound it.
02:50 Well, it's not great news, I'm afraid.
02:53 That was a surprise.
02:57 So I had three quotes back for the car park.
03:02 Yeah.
03:03 The first one is sort of 67 plus some provisional sums for this and for that,
03:14 because they're not quite sure.
03:16 The next one is 80 plus a bit.
03:20 80,000 pounds?
03:22 And then the one that actually I think is most sort of complete,
03:26 because it includes the new highway entrance, 94,127 pounds.
03:35 For a car park?
03:36 For a car park and the new entrance.
03:38 And we're providing all the stone from our quarry?
03:39 We've got the stone.
03:43 But we're providing -- there's no --
03:45 There's no cost of stone.
03:46 And stone is the horrendous, you know --
03:48 But we have the stone.
03:49 We've got it.
03:50 We've got 50,000 pounds worth of stone.
03:52 That's what it roughly would be.
03:54 97,000 pounds.
03:56 94.
03:58 Even I was astounded.
04:00 90 -- oh, come on.
04:02 I mean, I thought worst case scenario, a car park, when we provide the stone, 20,000?
04:09 Yeah.
04:11 Why don't we do it?
04:13 No, I mean, seriously, how hard can it be to build --
04:15 I know I've said that before, but really, to build a car park?
04:18 Move soil.
04:19 Yeah, you scrape the soil off, put some of that plastic sheeting down to stop the weeds coming through and so on.
04:26 Yeah.
04:27 It's going to take long.
04:28 Yeah, I'm serious, honestly.
04:31 Our stone --
04:33 Yeah.
04:34 Move the stone.
04:35 And then we get a bit of gravel.
04:36 Yeah.
04:37 So we need to hire a bulldozer, a roller.
04:40 Caleb.
04:41 Caleb.
04:43 Do you want a cup of tea?
04:44 No, no, honestly, this is really serious.
04:46 Sorry, darling, we'll be with you in a minute.
04:48 I mean --
04:49 We're going to have to do it ourselves.
04:50 I've got to go in and do this.
04:51 Well, I'm apprehensive about --
04:54 You're always apprehensive, Charlie.
04:56 But this time, this time --
04:58 Actually, I think we can do it ourselves.
05:03 After Lisa had helped me load the bags --
05:09 For Christ's sake.
05:11 We took them to our new compost bed because if we put them on that,
05:17 there was a chance mushrooms would continue to grow out of them.
05:21 Shall I take them out, and you can carry them over?
05:24 Does that work?
05:25 No, we'll just do them individually.
05:26 Okey-dokey.
05:28 Mm-hmm.
05:31 God.
05:33 I'm going to take a few out this time.
05:35 Otherwise, they're going to do it all night.
05:39 Okay.
05:40 All day, all night.
05:55 Do you have to dig them in a bit, or just plonk them?
06:15 Email.
06:18 It doesn't work with a glove on.
06:19 Hang on.
06:20 I'll take it off.
06:22 This is from the mushroom testing people.
06:25 Oh, yes.
06:27 Oh, God.
06:30 Before dehydrated mushrooms can be sold --
06:32 Your lines, basically --
06:34 A bacterial and water activity test must be done through the UKAS UK
06:40 accredited science.
06:42 This is to determine the water and bacterial --
06:47 Knowing Lisa's attitude to paperwork,
06:49 I left her to carry on unloading the mushrooms
06:52 and set about filling in the necessary forms myself.
06:58 Proposed target shelf life, including date of production, one month.
07:02 What's the CCP of this product?
07:09 CCP.
07:10 What is the CCP?
07:11 It says it's the Chinese Communist Party.
07:14 What?
07:16 What is the controlling factor for clostridium botulinum?
07:22 I don't fucking know.
07:26 Having filled out the forms to the best of my abilities
07:30 and bagged up a sample --
07:35 There we go.
07:37 I sent everything off to the mushroom police.
07:41 Brilliant.
07:44 Then, after Lisa and I had disinfected the mushroom bunker
07:49 and restocked it with new bags --
07:52 And are we going to keep going with this?
07:54 God bloody right we are.
07:58 We waited for a day when the shop was closed anyway,
08:02 assembled the diddly squat Avengers,
08:06 and set about building our cut-price car park.
08:12 Right, gather round everyone.
08:14 We've mowed it already. Have you seen?
08:16 Yes, I've seen.
08:17 Is there a measurement for how much space a car has?
08:19 Yeah, there is. We need about 2.4 by 4.8.
08:22 4.8 metres?
08:24 Long ways. So you've got 74 parks, haven't you?
08:27 The disabled ones are different size.
08:29 They're 6 metres by 3 metres.
08:31 And if any more disabled come, they can come out here.
08:34 This is tarmac.
08:35 OK, yeah.
08:36 So it's nice for the wheelchairs.
08:37 We've got another entrance.
08:39 You've got another entrance and you've got a pushbike rack.
08:41 Cycle parking?
08:43 Motorcycle, innit?
08:45 Why don't we just put it saying no cyclists?
08:48 I'm with that.
08:49 I'm with that.
08:50 I think that's a good idea.
08:51 Quick question, how long is this going to take?
08:54 Because we're in July now, I'm just in terms of my timescale.
08:57 How long is it going to take?
08:58 A month.
08:59 It won't take a month.
09:00 20 days to build this.
09:01 20 days, innit?
09:02 Five days a week.
09:03 We're not coming Saturday because it's open.
09:05 We've got to go to church on a Sunday.
09:09 We're going to be done in two days.
09:11 No, we're not.
09:12 We are.
09:13 No.
09:14 Now stop it.
09:15 I can't see what's...
09:16 No, stop it.
09:17 Chief, calm down.
09:18 What's up with him?
09:19 Two days.
09:20 To meet my two-day deadline, we needed, first of all,
09:27 to remove all the topsoil.
09:29 So Caleb got to work with his digger.
09:32 Go back a bit.
09:33 Go on.
09:34 I put myself in charge of soil removal with the dumper.
09:38 Right, now stop, let go of the right and use your left.
09:41 And Lisa got a crash course on how to operate the 14-tonner.
09:46 That's backwards to you. Now down.
09:48 Actually, that's spot on.
09:52 Yeah, thanks, Alan.
09:54 Certainly she preferred Alan as an instructor to me.
10:00 Might want to move your digger.
10:03 Lisa?
10:04 Lisa?
10:05 Yeah?
10:06 If you move your whole digger three feet forwards, it'll help.
10:09 Lisa?
10:10 Yes?
10:11 No, you haven't really got a load there.
10:14 Are you just going to stand there and criticise the entire afternoon?
10:19 You and your high-vis, which you're a feck off.
10:21 Come the morning of the second and final day,
10:28 we had removed nearly most of the topsoil
10:33 and had begun to lay the plastic sheeting.
10:36 So I felt confident we'd get everything done
10:39 by the time the shop opened again the following morning.
10:43 I'm a digger driver.
10:48 Alan, when do you start kneading the stone?
10:56 Now.
10:57 Now?
10:58 ASAP, because if it turns wet...
11:02 Putting Lisa on the dump truck,
11:04 Caleb and I hurried over to the Diddley Squat quarry.
11:08 Now, just a reminder, everybody,
11:12 the stone that Caleb's loading up now
11:15 is what we dug to build the farm track
11:18 that the council then said we couldn't have.
11:21 The upside of that is we've got a lot of stone left over,
11:24 which we can use to make the car park,
11:26 which they also said we couldn't have.
11:29 Some time today would be good, Caleb.
11:32 Am I nearly full?
11:34 Yeah, you impatient fuck.
11:36 Hey, Caleb, I've had an idea.
11:41 What's that?
11:42 We need someone to drive your tractor.
11:44 Yeah, it would be easier, wouldn't it?
11:46 I'll stay on the digger then and just load.
11:48 Well, guess who's just pulled up.
11:51 OK, Lisa and Alan, incoming.
11:56 Keep coming, me old mate.
11:58 Keep coming, keep coming.
12:00 OK, beautiful.
12:02 Garen, Top Gear and go and get me another one, quickly.
12:05 You've got a nice surprise of loose time in the next tractor.
12:08 Hey, Garen!
12:19 This is the full Diddley Squat army out today.
12:24 I like it.
12:27 (ENGINE STARTS)
12:29 Gerald, that was the best bit of reverting I've ever seen on this farm, mate.
12:36 (LAUGHS)
12:38 (RADIO CHATTER)
12:43 (RADIO CHATTER)
12:45 Yeah, I got you, Gerald. What's that?
13:01 No, they was just asking me how long this is going to take to move all this rubble in.
13:06 (RADIO CHATTER)
13:08 (RADIO CHATTER)
13:14 It turns out that Alan speaks fluent Gerald.
13:23 The two of them can have proper conversations.
13:26 They are bloody good mates and Alan, while Gerald was ill,
13:31 was really, really a good mate.
13:35 They've known each other for donkey's years, those two.
13:38 Up at the car park, Lisa was now using a machine which she liked very much.
13:46 Oh, yes. Yes, fabulous.
13:51 Slow down.
13:57 Slow down, sorry. I don't want to slow down.
14:01 (ENGINE STARTS)
14:03 However, as much as Lisa was enjoying life on her cab seat,
14:13 I must say I wasn't on mine.
14:16 And it wasn't just me either.
14:22 Bloody hell.
14:25 I'm not sure how much longer Gerald will be able to do this.
14:27 It's quite bouncy and tiring.
14:30 Are you all right? Is it bouncing?
14:32 No, I can't do no more today like that.
14:34 It's that last bit, isn't it?
14:36 We will manage. I don't know how, but we will manage.
14:39 With Gerald gone, we gave it our best shot.
14:47 But we were now down to one trailer, which, if I'm honest, was a bit too small.
14:57 So soon I realised we were going to miss my deadline.
15:02 Caleb, realistically, we're not going to get this done today, are we?
15:07 No, you won't get all of it done, no.
15:11 Well, we can't transport this stone when the shop is open.
15:19 Cos we'd run over, I don't know, six children a day?
15:26 And that would go on the news, I know it would.
15:28 As night began to fall, our drone revealed that we'd been valiant,
15:35 but that Alan may have had a point.
15:38 We're going to be here next week now, aren't we?
15:54 As the shop wouldn't be closed again for another five days,
15:58 I used the time to take care of some pressing matters.
16:02 Job one, the pigs.
16:05 The sows were due to give birth in a couple of weeks.
16:09 And worried that the previous piglet deaths had been caused by them being squashed...
16:16 Did you get a ladle?
16:19 Whoa, she's just sat on another one.
16:23 I called a meeting with the chaps who'd designed the pigloos.
16:27 So we lost 14 pigs out of 34.
16:33 OK, so high on the mortality.
16:36 And I had a thought that the piglets tend to lie like this along the side of it.
16:42 But when Unit, who is called Unit for a reason, lies down,
16:47 she's that shape, that's her back.
16:49 Yes, that's right. You see what I mean?
16:52 And they were being squished.
16:54 But you need to move her away from the wall of the hut.
16:58 Exactly. So I had a thought.
17:01 What if there was a bit like that,
17:05 so that the piglets could lie in here and the mum could lie there.
17:09 If she squidges right up against the side, they won't be squidged.
17:15 Do you think that would be possible?
17:17 So what you'd have is, if this is a side profile of the hut,
17:21 you'd have a ring that sat like this,
17:24 and then your leg would come down like that.
17:27 Like a rail. Or something. A halo, effectively.
17:30 And it's retrofitable to what you've already got.
17:33 That would be fantastic.
17:35 With the pigmen dispatched,
17:38 I then turned my mind to the next Farming the Unfarmed scheme.
17:43 Bambi.
17:45 In recent years, Diddley's squat had been overrun with deer.
17:50 And as they cause enormous damage to young trees,
17:54 we, along with other landowners and farmers,
17:57 had been asked by the government to reduce their numbers.
18:01 I therefore contacted Hugh, a local hunter
18:06 who also happens to be chairman of the Deer Society.
18:10 It falls on us to manage the deer numbers in this country.
18:16 And part of our role is training people to manage deer properly
18:21 to the highest standards of welfare.
18:23 And the fact is, the deer population is now getting too big.
18:27 Yeah. Which it is. Which it is.
18:29 And people are planting trees like these. Yeah.
18:32 And then the deer eat them.
18:34 Well, I think that the story that needs to be told
18:38 is that if you are going to shoot a deer,
18:42 it's for all the right reasons, coupled with the fact
18:47 that you're only going to do it if you are completely confident
18:52 that you can do it in as humane a manner as possible.
18:56 Up at the farm, Hugh showed me how to assemble a hunting rifle.
19:03 This is going to be the most manly thing ever shown on television.
19:08 (CLICKING)
19:10 With the flat-pack gun assembled, we set off for some target practice.
19:22 So how far away is the target?
19:26 Um, that's probably going to be about 100 yards.
19:30 That's more. 90, 100 yards.
19:32 That's more than that. Say it's more than that for the cameras.
19:34 Sorry? 300 yards, I'd say, that target.
19:37 At least, and a very strong crosswind.
19:39 Yeah, 300 yards with a strong crosswind.
19:41 You're going to do well to hit that.
19:43 I can barely hold my finger up in this gale.
19:45 As we prepared for my practice,
19:49 Hugh explained some more about the need for good deer management.
19:53 Where there are overpopulations of deer,
19:57 we have seen body weights of deer
20:00 way below the average of what they should be.
20:02 And when they then start to be managed properly,
20:04 you start to see the body weights.
20:06 The weight of the carcass is just below what it should be.
20:09 So it does create a welfare issue
20:12 when you have a two-dancer population, yeah.
20:15 And it's a weird world in which we now live
20:18 because there's an overpopulation of deer.
20:20 Yeah.
20:21 The only realistic way you can reduce deer numbers is with a rifle.
20:26 And if you're going to kill a deer, you may as well eat it.
20:30 I mean, it's daft not to eat it. Definitely, yeah.
20:33 Or give it to schools and hospitals,
20:35 as you've been suggesting for a long time.
20:37 And yet, if I were to kill a deer on television,
20:42 they'd all go berserk,
20:44 even though it's good reason, good reason, good reason.
20:47 There's no reason to not do it.
20:49 Yeah.
20:50 The challenge is educating people as to why all this needs to happen.
20:55 It's good for the deer, it's good for the trees...
20:58 Well, yeah.
20:59 ..and it's free food.
21:00 Definitely, yeah.
21:02 I mean, I think if there was a more effective way
21:05 to manage our deer population, we'd be doing it.
21:09 We then got down to business.
21:13 Right, and in.
21:15 With me aiming for the red squares on the paper targets.
21:21 Right, good to go.
21:23 Have a look.
21:30 I'm assuming you were going for the one on the left
21:32 and not in the middle.
21:34 That's a bullseye.
21:36 So...
21:38 ..to prove it wasn't a fluke... Yeah.
21:42 ..you need to do it again.
21:44 And as it happened, I did.
21:47 An even better shot.
21:51 Where is it?
21:52 What you've got even closer to the bullseye. Yeah.
21:55 What am I shooting now, the Rose Heart?
21:59 Yeah, the orange disc.
22:02 That is where you would be aiming when we go out tomorrow.
22:06 Jesus!
22:10 Do you want to see the muntjac now?
22:12 It pains me to say it, but that's five out of five.
22:19 I've found something I'm good at.
22:25 That was very good.
22:28 The next morning, at dawn,
22:31 Robert De Niro and I set off in search of deer.
22:35 What's quite important is wind.
22:41 Well, isn't that it?
22:43 OK. Oh, you get it.
22:46 You bought that from a shop, didn't you? Yeah.
22:49 A man said it tells you where the wind's coming from.
22:52 So what we'll do, just quietly look round this corner,
22:55 come out onto the edge again,
22:57 just creep down the edge to go up the high seat,
23:00 cos it would be quieter than going through the wood.
23:03 While we were scanning the perimeter,
23:06 an opportunity suddenly presented itself.
23:09 There is a buck.
23:13 Now...
23:16 Hang on.
23:22 HE PANTS
23:24 Are you going to shoot?
23:28 No, actually, he's looking straight at me.
23:31 There, you can shoot him now. Yeah.
23:34 OK, that's a really easy shot.
23:39 Shoot.
23:41 OK, here we go.
23:46 OK, it's good now.
23:49 Whenever you're ready.
23:51 Now I've got him.
23:53 Shoot.
23:55 Oh, he's gone in the long grass.
23:59 That's him catching us.
24:01 He's busted us.
24:03 Mr De Niro and the world's most hesitant shooter
24:10 continued onwards until we reached a suitable vantage point.
24:18 If we're out there, out of sight, out of there sends a smell.
24:22 Oh, really?
24:24 Then, after a surprisingly short wait...
24:43 HE SIGHS
24:45 I've got him.
24:51 Shoot.
24:57 It's his perfect one to take.
24:59 OK.
25:01 GUNSHOT
25:10 HE SIGHS
25:12 Anyone for hot dog?
25:17 I want you to try them.
25:19 And I want you to tell me what you think.
25:22 Is this not a vegan sausage, then?
25:24 No, it's not vegan.
25:26 You like that?
25:28 The meat's good?
25:30 What you are eating is Bambi.
25:33 LAUGHTER
25:35 Venison.
25:37 Venison. Unbelievably good meat.
25:40 It's very good. Would you like... Yeah.
25:42 You're American, are you? I am.
25:44 You going to have another? LAUGHTER
25:47 Number two. Oh, yeah.
25:49 So we'd saved some trees and, as a result,
25:52 provided a healthy and inexpensive lunch for the crowds,
25:56 which made me happy.
25:58 But not as happy as I was the next day,
26:02 when the shop closed again and we could resume work on the car park.
26:07 You've got to put the small bucket on there for the trenching, all right?
26:11 Lisa made a beeline for the roller.
26:14 All we had good.
26:17 I'm excellent.
26:19 And Alan gave me the job of digging a drainage ditch.
26:23 Right, I've got to get my tracks to straddle this little ditch here
26:30 so that I can dig a trench down it.
26:33 Now I've got to turn sideways. How do...
26:35 That one's jammed. What is that one... Oh, no, that's...
26:42 After a lot of faff...
26:48 Oh, I may... I'm going to need more revs.
26:51 ..I finally got myself into a ditch-digging position.
26:58 Yes.
27:00 Oh, leave me alone. Leave me alone.
27:05 Hello?
27:09 Yeah.
27:13 It's what?
27:15 Why?
27:22 Oh, shit.
27:26 PHONE RINGS
27:28 Yo, dude. Yo.
27:33 Right, do you want the bad news or the bad news?
27:36 Er, the bad news.
27:39 The cider's exploding.
27:41 What?
27:44 Immediately, Caleb and I headed off to see if Rick, our lager brewer,
27:49 knew what had gone wrong.
27:53 So...
27:55 ..do you have any idea, well, first of all, how many cases are affected?
28:00 How many bottles are we talking about?
28:03 Thousands. Thousands of bottles.
28:06 SHUSHES
28:09 Yeah, it's serious. It's properly serious.
28:11 Cos someone's been injured, I gather. Yeah, Derbyshire, isn't it?
28:14 Someone in Derbyshire's always got a cut finger.
28:16 It could be that the caps aren't on sufficiently well.
28:19 It could be that there's some microorganism in there
28:23 that's eating the sugar.
28:25 So there might be fermentation still happening in the bottles,
28:29 even though they've gone on sale?
28:31 Yeah, that's highly likely.
28:33 That's probably the most likely cause of this.
28:36 Have you got one here?
28:38 I can find one in a moment.
28:40 Turn it on.
28:43 We then experimented by opening a bottle
28:45 so we could work out what warning to give to our customers.
28:49 Pop it in the bucket, Caleb. Get it in the bucket.
28:52 You really do have to be this careful.
28:54 I would, yeah.
28:56 That's fuck all.
29:01 So that's now safe on the top? That's safe, yeah.
29:05 At the bottom of the bottle, there's a white sediment.
29:10 You can see this, actually, on camera, I think.
29:13 So that sediment, Rick,
29:15 is that an indication that this bottle was affected?
29:20 Yes. Yes? Yes.
29:22 And the degree to which it has become explosive
29:26 depends upon how much sugar has been eaten
29:29 by whatever microorganisms are sitting there at the bottom.
29:32 That sediment at the bottom is eating the sugar?
29:34 Yeah, so that's devouring the sweetness,
29:36 so it's turning it into a dry cider,
29:38 a drier cider than it should be.
29:40 And also turning it into, as you say, a Mills hand grenade.
29:43 Yeah.
29:44 The next job was to get a warning message out to the public
29:50 as quickly as possible.
29:52 And since there was no time to call in a professional PR firm,
29:56 I did the wording myself.
29:59 Well, what I've written is, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
30:07 "There's been a massive cock-up and as a result,
30:10 "there's a very slim chance some of our Hawkston CIDR bottles,"
30:14 and I've put CIDR in capital letters,
30:16 "might - there's no easy way of saying this - explode.
30:19 "If the cap has the code L3160 only underwater,
30:23 "pour it away and get in touch."
30:26 Erm...
30:28 Really sorry about this. That's going to get the attention.
30:33 Well, I tweeted that.
30:35 I mean, that is putting your hands up in the headmaster's office.
30:38 "Sir, I've been smoking." Before you've been caught.
30:41 CIDRgate had taken up valuable time,
30:47 so I rushed back to resume my ditch-digging duties.
30:51 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
30:56 Oh, for heaven's sake!
30:58 OK.
31:02 Yeah, couldn't have happened on a worse day, if I'm honest,
31:05 but, all right, I'll see you in half an hour. Bye.
31:08 Where are we going now? Pigs.
31:11 My pig rings have arrived.
31:13 But we've got the farm shop. I know, I know.
31:16 It's just going to be... I know, Caleb,
31:18 but the pig rings have just turned up, so they've got to be fitted,
31:21 cos the pigs are giving birth in about 20 minutes.
31:24 You know who's patented my idea? Pardon?
31:30 Who's patented this idea?
31:32 And he's called it the Clarkson ring.
31:34 The rings. The rings have arrived. They've arrived.
31:40 Whoa, they're more sturdy than I thought.
31:44 Hello, pig. It's Eunette. Hello, Eunette.
31:49 How are you, my darling?
31:51 So, mother pig is within the... She's in there.
31:54 ..and then baby pig...
31:56 We've got a generous piglet-sized safety zone behind.
32:00 Are you impressed with this? They look good, actually, yeah.
32:03 We need to get these in, cos we've still got a car park to build.
32:06 OK.
32:07 We're in. Hang on.
32:10 I'm going to do a little lift now.
32:12 OK.
32:13 Lovely. Job done.
32:20 Really hope these work.
32:24 Good. Thank you. Thank you very, very much.
32:26 Lovely round two. You're welcome.
32:28 Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to it.
32:30 It was heartbreaking last time.
32:32 Once we'd installed the pig rings, I checked social media,
32:36 and sure enough, some of our cider customers
32:40 were sharing their thoughts.
32:51 Fucking Caleb. Thanks a fucking lot. Jesus.
32:55 My PR message had even made it onto the evening news.
33:01 Now, Jeremy Clarkson's Oxfordshire farm has recalled
33:06 some of its bottles of cider, warning they could explode.
33:09 Well, he advises anyone who has bought some to open them underwater...
33:13 Running alongside the other important stories of the day.
33:17 Giant puppets have been parading through Gosport High Street
33:20 this afternoon.
33:21 Farrah, the five-metre-high mechanical fox, travelled through the town...
33:24 CLANG
33:25 After all these distractions, it was inevitable that at the end of play,
33:34 the car park still wasn't finished.
33:37 Keep going. Still thick. It only needs to be very, very thin.
33:42 So I decided that we'd carry on the next day,
33:46 even though the shop would be open for business.
33:49 There you go.
33:50 The following morning, Lisa and I headed over there,
33:57 discussing on the way how much she was enjoying building the car park.
34:02 Well, you are Irish, and I'm not being... I'm not typecasting,
34:07 but it's a being of blood to...
34:08 If you call me Liam, I will be on machinery.
34:11 I want to identify as an Irish builder called Liam.
34:13 That would make me happy.
34:15 So this... Oh, shit. What?
34:18 Well...
34:19 Everyone's parked in it. Oh, fuck.
34:21 Did you not tell the kids not to let people park in it?
34:31 No, it doesn't occur to me.
34:33 Shit.
34:39 Very difficult to make a car park when it's being used as a car park.
34:48 Morning.
34:49 I know... I know... Yeah, look, how are we going to do this?
34:54 I don't... Well, good question. All I can say...
34:56 I mean, he's just driven in now. Unbelievable. Look. Look.
34:59 What were you thinking of in the shop?
35:01 So if anyone's parked in this car park, I need to start spreading gravel,
35:05 so if you wouldn't mind moving it to the overflow car park.
35:08 You've got five minutes, otherwise I'm going to start
35:11 and your car will be collateral damage.
35:13 Anyone?
35:16 Anyone?
35:17 Anyone else parked over here?
35:20 Seriously?
35:22 Where are all those fucking cars coming from, then?
35:25 What's this?
35:27 I don't know. Somebody's pulled in on that.
35:29 Is that nothing to do with us? No, it had nothing to do with us.
35:32 Naturally, I wanted them to move on, but Alan quickly became intrigued.
35:39 What do you do? A rating.
35:41 So we go down a metre, we blast it with 300 PSI there,
35:44 we then inject seaweed, which keeps the fishes open under the ground.
35:47 We do Buckingham Palace, we've got the Royal Garden contracts...
35:50 I'd understood the words Buckingham and Palace,
35:53 but as for the rest, I was completely lost.
35:56 We have got a six-foot clay bed, so what do you do then?
35:59 Clay is not a problem. We work everywhere in the country.
36:02 How do you do that, then?
36:03 So we've got them, but if we work, you will see it fishes.
36:06 Alan said, though, I should ask the man to come back later in the day.
36:10 Could I leave you just a card? Would that be OK?
36:12 Yeah. So without knowing why, I did.
36:16 Brilliant. No, well, that's good. I've got your card. Thanks for that.
36:19 If you wouldn't mind moving, because we have to work on the car park.
36:22 Hi. Morning. Sorry, we've got to do some work in the car park.
36:25 Anyone else part here? No, you're down there.
36:28 As we couldn't start work until Lisa had cleared out the car park,
36:32 I went off to see how the new mushroom bags were doing.
36:37 Oh!
36:39 Why are you doing this to me?
36:45 Once again, I shall enter my little fungal money pit.
36:49 Oh!
36:52 Ooh.
36:56 That's a worry.
36:58 That looks like mould.
37:00 And that is a worry.
37:02 That looks like mould. And that is mould, look.
37:06 And there's mould.
37:08 Mould. Mould.
37:10 That's got mould, look.
37:13 That's mouldy.
37:15 Oh, no.
37:17 So, even though we disinfected this whole area
37:22 before bringing the new bags in,
37:24 it was obviously left over somehow from the previous crop.
37:28 Shit.
37:30 And this is the fan that's keeping the air moving
37:34 to try and stop the mould.
37:36 Oh!
37:41 Oh, my giddy aunt.
37:43 Look in there.
37:46 Oh!
37:48 Oh!
37:50 Oh, sick.
37:52 Oh, that smell.
37:59 Once I'd removed the contaminated produce,
38:03 I totted up the damage.
38:05 I got 68 bags here,
38:10 which are very obviously ruined, full of mould.
38:14 And 68 bags times 17 is a loss of £1,156.
38:22 Plus, each bag would have produced, on average,
38:28 let's say, two kilograms of mushrooms,
38:31 which I would sell for £16, £32.
38:35 So, this is a financial disaster.
38:39 Oh.
38:44 Oh!
38:47 Oh!
38:49 I'm having a horrible day!
38:52 Oh!
38:54 I can't let this go near nature.
38:57 Oh!
39:01 What a bloody oldie.
39:03 I decided the only solution for the diseased pipe
39:09 was to take inspiration from the movie Goodfellas.
39:13 Right, we've gone through the topsoil, we're into the clay.
39:19 I'm not going to bury it until I can see the tips
39:22 of the Sydney Opera House down there.
39:25 Quick line.
39:30 I've no idea what this does, but I've seen Joe Pesky use it.
39:34 For belt and braces, I then buried the equally mouldy filter
39:41 more than a mile away.
39:48 Oh!
39:50 Oh, fucking thing!
39:56 No!
40:00 The world is safe thanks to me.
40:07 By the time I'd buried the equipment, showered, disinfected my hair
40:12 and put on new clothes,
40:14 the man with the incomprehensible machine had returned...
40:18 ..and started work.
40:22 At first, I thought they were fracking,
40:39 but eventually the pennies started to drop.
40:44 They've drilled a hole down there,
40:47 blasted air into it,
40:49 which has caused fractures to go up six metres in the rock.
40:54 Then they fill that with seaweed to keep it open.
40:58 And then the water, not just today, but forever,
41:03 will drain through the clay.
41:05 Cos this has been the bane of our lives, this flooding up here.
41:11 Oh! What a shock! What a shock!
41:14 - That's insane! - Brilliant. You watch again.
41:17 Can I blast it?
41:19 Watch this.
41:23 After the seaweed frackers had finished,
41:32 Caleb went off to have an accident.
41:37 HE CLATTERS
41:40 He's broke the glass now!
41:42 You dingleberry!
41:44 What the fuck?!
41:46 Did anyone else just see that?
41:51 - No, we heard it. - We heard it. Unbelievable.
41:54 We then gently mot one another for a little while.
42:00 Why don't you just throw it like that, look?
42:02 Look, see what challenge?
42:04 - Yeah? Watch. - Ready? Ready?
42:07 - Watch. Like that. - OK, right.
42:09 Let me show you something, ready? Ready? Ready?
42:12 - Such a muffin. - Such a muffin.
42:15 Until eventually, the cut-price diddly-squat car park was finished.
42:23 I thought we did pretty good teamwork there.
42:27 Yeah. That ain't bad.
42:30 The next day, I gave Gerald a lift home after he'd finished work
42:35 and on the way, I caught up with all the local gossip.
42:40 Seeing they get kicked into church.
42:43 Keeps having them Botox bloody things done on his eyes and his cheeks
42:48 and this bloody piece of piss that's cut that off.
42:51 - I know. Yeah. - He's got a bloody nose.
42:54 - He's got a bloody nose and cheeks and piss that's cut that off. - I know.
42:59 - He lives around here, though. - Yeah, I know.
43:02 Anybody with a chainsaw, goes to go down there,
43:05 could bloody saw it off and they'd still be in pocket.
43:08 Yeah.
43:09 That's the only difference with sawing, so he can get that feel for this again.
43:14 - On the old way. - Yeah.
43:16 No, no, not me.
43:18 Having dropped him off, I went to pick up the goats.
43:23 Because I'd come up with a new business plan.
43:27 So, I bought the goats to clear a bank of brambles
43:33 that the machine wasn't able to do because the bank was too steep,
43:37 which is just at the bottom of this hill here.
43:39 But they still aren't big enough to do that, so how's this for a plan?
43:45 I'm renting them out.
43:47 They have become Avis goats.
43:49 They will go to neighbouring farms and clear things up, brambles and so on,
43:54 and earn me money.
43:56 And they shall become bigger and then next year,
43:59 I'll put them down there and they'll get on with it.
44:03 My first customer was a friend who owned a bit of land next to mine.
44:09 It's been slightly embarrassing, this,
44:11 because I used to think this bit of ground through here was mine,
44:14 and it isn't.
44:16 I had to come through here, though, to meet my friend's land agent.
44:20 I'm a bit late. Hello?
44:32 Hello?
44:35 Hello.
44:38 What are you doing here?
44:40 I look after the client here as well.
44:45 What?
44:46 It was you?
44:47 So, I...
44:51 How are we going to negotiate a price, then?
44:53 I do realise there's a slight conflict.
44:55 Slight?
44:56 So, how much... OK, then, Charlie.
45:00 How much is the nameless owner of this field going to pay me for the goats?
45:06 Pay you?
45:07 I mean, look at all the wonderful forage.
45:10 The browse, all that value sitting before you, before your eyes.
45:14 How about we call it zero?
45:17 No, not zero.
45:18 Climb over this fence.
45:20 Climb over this fence.
45:21 How much?
45:24 Well, there's not much value out there, is there?
45:26 I mean, it's just a load of...
45:29 There's no value there at all.
45:31 No, none at all.
45:32 So, how much should he be paying me?
45:34 He should be paying, you know, five or six pence a day per goat.
45:38 Pence?
45:39 Yeah, per day per goat.
45:40 It soon adds up.
45:41 Twenty...
45:43 Oh, no.
45:44 I don't think we can accept that.
45:47 This is a ridiculous situation.
45:51 What is the deal?
45:52 Luckily, luckily, luckily, it's sort of...
45:56 The value is being provided by that lot eating the invading hawthorn and blackthorn.
46:05 Because it then...
46:06 Get on with it.
46:07 It then creates a better wildflower menu.
46:09 Whose side are you on now?
46:10 Yours.
46:11 Right.
46:13 So, actually...
46:15 So, I'm giving him a better meadow.
46:17 Yes, which means he gets paid more by...
46:19 Five peer goats, which is 29 goats.
46:23 12 weeks.
46:24 £121.
46:26 Done.
46:27 Bye, goats.
46:34 Right now, that £121 was very welcome.
46:39 Because, back in mushroom world, my income stream had been hit hard by the mould.
46:45 Which meant, annoyingly, that Lisa's powdered lion's mayon enterprise had suddenly become important.
46:54 So, it's 200... Was it 20 grams?
46:58 It's doing 20 grams a bag.
47:00 Today was the day we'd get the results from the test sample I'd sent off.
47:06 And, assuming all would be well, Lisa had several kilograms of powder ready to go.
47:12 There it is.
47:15 Jeremy's special mushroom powder.
47:18 Why are you selling it if you don't believe in it?
47:21 I don't believe in it.
47:22 Well, you know how much we're going to make, though.
47:23 So, well, how much are you selling that for?
47:25 £9.
47:28 Which gives you...
47:30 10 cups of coffee.
47:32 So, hang on, let me get my...
47:35 Oh, I've got it through.
47:37 Can I have your glasses?
47:39 But if we just grew normal mushrooms...
47:43 God, you're blind.
47:45 They have... Lisa, I have the shelf life samples back.
47:49 They have failed.
47:51 Hold on.
47:53 I have the shelf life samples back.
47:56 It generally indicates that either the mushroom quality was not the best,
48:02 or that it was not adequately cleaned prior to the drying process.
48:06 You'd need to look at the standards of cleaning hygiene
48:09 during preparation of the finished product,
48:11 i.e. hand washing, cleanliness and toners.
48:13 If this product is to be put on the shelves,
48:16 you will need to review the preparation process...
48:18 I think that's... You know, you were asking about the different colours.
48:21 I think that's it. I think some of the rinds I just cut up when I dried them.
48:25 I'm so sorry.
48:26 Oh, fuck you, Bill. I was so annoyed.
48:31 This is just a bit of what we've made.
48:35 We've gone to all this trouble and it's failed.
48:38 So all this has failed.
48:40 The mushroom issues were a bitter blow,
48:48 especially now, in August,
48:50 because we were approaching the end of the farming year.
48:54 And therefore, the conclusion of the contest between Caleb and me
49:00 And then you had the higher of the ball.
49:02 Oh, stop saying things.
49:04 I had tried everything I could think of to make money by farming the unfarmed.
49:10 Yes!
49:11 Some of my ideas had worked.
49:13 No way. Yes way.
49:16 Holy moly!
49:18 This is incredible.
49:20 Yes!
49:21 Aren't they just the best?
49:23 Lots of sausages.
49:25 Jesus!
49:26 Oh, this is so good for my side of the chart.
49:29 And some hadn't.
49:31 Hello!
49:33 Shit.
49:35 But soon we would find out what the big numbers looked like.
49:43 Because at harvest time,
49:45 the spotlight would shift from me
49:49 to Caleb and the crops.
49:53 This year's an absolute pig. It just won't dry at all.
49:56 Here we go.
49:57 Quarter full.
50:01 Is that it?
50:02 Oh, my God!
50:05 Look at the size of that one.
50:07 Oh!
50:09 Oh, my God!
50:11 Look at the size of that one.
50:13 Oh!
50:14 Look at the size of that one.
50:16 Oh!
50:17 Look at the size of that one.
50:19 Oh!
50:20 Look at the size of that one.
50:22 Oh!
50:23 Look at the size of that one.
50:25 Oh!
50:26 Look at the size of that one.
50:28 Oh!
50:29 Look at the size of that one.
50:31 Oh!
50:32 Look at the size of that one.
50:34 Oh!
50:35 Look at the size of that one.
50:37 Oh!
50:38 Look at the size of that one.
50:40 Oh!
50:41 Look at the size of that one.
50:43 Oh!
50:44 Look at the size of that one.
50:46 Oh!
50:47 Look at the size of that one.
50:49 Oh!
50:50 Look at the size of that one.
50:52 Oh!
50:53 Look at the size of that one.
50:55 Oh!
50:56 Look at the size of that one.
50:58 Oh!
50:59 Look at the size of that one.
51:01 Oh!
51:02 Look at the size of that one.
51:04 Oh!
51:05 Look at the size of that one.
51:06 Oh!
51:07 Look at the size of that one.
51:08 Oh!
51:09 Look at the size of that one.
51:10 Oh!
51:11 Look at the size of that one.
51:12 Oh!
51:13 Look at the size of that one.
51:14 Oh!
51:15 Look at the size of that one.
51:16 Oh!
51:17 Look at the size of that one.
51:18 Oh!
51:19 Look at the size of that one.
51:20 Oh!
51:21 Look at the size of that one.
51:22 Oh!
51:23 Look at the size of that one.
51:24 Oh!
51:25 Look at the size of that one.
51:26 Oh!
51:27 Look at the size of that one.
51:28 Oh!
51:29 Look at the size of that one.
51:30 Oh!
51:31 Look at the size of that one.
51:32 Oh!
51:33 Look at the size of that one.
51:34 Oh!
51:35 [BLANK_AUDIO]