Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 08- Calculating
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 08- Calculating
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TVTranscript
00:00:00 [MUSIC]
00:00:10 [MUSIC]
00:00:35 Driest February ever, wettest March for 40 years.
00:00:39 >> Yeah.
00:00:40 [BLANK_AUDIO]
00:00:42 >> It didn't rain at all, but was cold in May.
00:00:45 [BLANK_AUDIO]
00:00:48 >> Then it went hottest June ever.
00:00:50 [BLANK_AUDIO]
00:00:53 >> Since then, it's been- >> The wettest July.
00:00:55 [BLANK_AUDIO]
00:00:58 >> The wettest July and the coldest.
00:00:59 >> Yeah.
00:01:00 [MUSIC]
00:01:03 >> Without the weather had done the exact opposite of what we needed all year long.
00:01:08 [MUSIC]
00:01:10 >> We were praying for an old-fashioned autumn with lots of warm sunshine.
00:01:15 [MUSIC]
00:01:16 >> But no, the crucial harvesting month was also refusing to play ball.
00:01:22 [MUSIC]
00:01:23 >> Today's going to be sunny, look at it.
00:01:25 [MUSIC]
00:01:27 >> And now Caleb had killed the crops off to ready them for the combine.
00:01:32 [MUSIC]
00:01:33 >> But what was ticking?
00:01:34 [MUSIC]
00:01:38 >> The longer they sat in the field too wet to harvest, the more they would deteriorate.
00:01:45 >> We need under 15.
00:01:47 [MUSIC]
00:01:48 >> 18.4, shit.
00:01:50 [MUSIC]
00:01:52 >> We're probably okay at nine.
00:01:54 [MUSIC]
00:01:55 >> 18.3.
00:01:56 [MUSIC]
00:01:58 >> Has to be less than nine, 17.5.
00:02:01 >> Bollocks.
00:02:02 >> Hiya, have you done a moisture test?
00:02:04 >> I can feel it's wet already.
00:02:06 >> 18.6.
00:02:07 >> This year is an absolute pig, it just won't dry at all.
00:02:11 >> What is it?
00:02:12 >> 17%.
00:02:13 [MUSIC]
00:02:15 >> I think I've broken a record of how many times I can moisture test a field.
00:02:18 [MUSIC]
00:02:21 >> Moisture test, moisture test, then moisture test again, then do another moisture test.
00:02:25 [MUSIC]
00:02:30 >> Get to the end of the day and go, no, it's not going to go today.
00:02:33 [MUSIC]
00:02:34 >> To add to the pressure, Andy Cato was now worried about how well his wild farmed wheat field would perform.
00:02:42 >> Morning.
00:02:43 >> How are you?
00:02:44 >> Good day.
00:02:45 >> Because he feared he'd been too conservative with the nitrogen fertilizer.
00:02:51 >> I don't think we've got it quite right here.
00:02:53 We've ended up using an absolutely minuscule amount of nitrogen in this field, about 11 kilos.
00:02:59 >> I think on, how much have you put on that field over there?
00:03:01 >> No idea.
00:03:02 >> A couple of hundred maybe?
00:03:03 >> Caleb knows.
00:03:04 >> Yeah.
00:03:05 >> So a couple of hundred kilos on that and 11 too.
00:03:06 >> I would guess, I don't know, but I guess it'd be somewhere around there.
00:03:09 But I think we haven't quite got the balance quite right in this field.
00:03:12 We've undercooked it a bit, it's just a little bit lacking in energy.
00:03:16 [MUSIC]
00:03:20 >> After sitting on our hands for day after frustrating day, conditions did finally start to improve.
00:03:30 >> Sounds better.
00:03:33 Oats, we need under 15%.
00:03:39 15% now.
00:03:42 So by the time Simon gets here, that will be fit to go.
00:03:46 >> As usual, Charlie had gone on holiday for the harvest.
00:03:50 This meant Caleb was fully in charge.
00:03:53 So while we waited for the combine to arrive, he summoned me to his office for what he said was an important meeting.
00:04:08 >> Hey-up.
00:04:09 >> So this is...
00:04:11 >> Welcome to my office.
00:04:13 >> How long have you had this?
00:04:16 >> Since you made me farm manager.
00:04:18 >> That's months ago.
00:04:19 >> I know.
00:04:21 I just cleared a bit of space and...
00:04:22 >> Who's done your interior decoration?
00:04:24 Nicky Haslam, is it?
00:04:25 >> No, me.
00:04:27 It's a works office.
00:04:30 [LAUGHTER]
00:04:32 >> It's good.
00:04:33 I found this table out the old shed out the back there.
00:04:36 As well as this one here is actually just like a trestle with some...
00:04:39 Oh, the electric's not the best in here.
00:04:42 >> It's the shittest office I've ever been in.
00:04:44 >> It's not. It's dry.
00:04:45 >> You've got a washing machine, though.
00:04:47 >> Yeah, and a tumble dryer.
00:04:49 Anyway, more importantly, Charlie's in the US of A.
00:04:52 >> I know.
00:04:53 >> Yeah.
00:04:54 >> Well, harvest is around the corner, so obviously...
00:04:55 >> Exactly, so he's gone away.
00:04:56 >> Yeah.
00:04:57 >> But as farm manager now, it makes me responsible for the health and safety on this farm.
00:05:01 >> Oh, God.
00:05:02 >> Ten minutes, it's all going to take.
00:05:03 I've got to go through this folder.
00:05:05 >> What is it?
00:05:06 >> You can read it if you want.
00:05:07 Read all the risk assessments and stuff like that I've done.
00:05:09 >> Have you done risk assessments?
00:05:10 >> Yeah.
00:05:11 >> I've had two.
00:05:12 Because it's on my head.
00:05:13 If you injure yourself now, yeah, do you know whose fault it is?
00:05:15 Mine. I go to prison.
00:05:17 And this fate isn't for prison.
00:05:19 The other day, we were cutting stone for the car park, yes?
00:05:22 >> Yeah.
00:05:23 >> What happened when you pull up the drive?
00:05:25 >> Oh, the trailer came up.
00:05:27 >> Yeah.
00:05:28 That's quite dangerous, though, because if there was overhead power...
00:05:29 >> Why is it dangerous?
00:05:30 >> Well, because if there was overhead power...
00:05:31 >> There aren't overhead power cables.
00:05:32 >> OK, there isn't any, but if there was and you didn't realise...
00:05:34 >> But there isn't.
00:05:35 >> You could have taken them out and killed maybe yourself or somebody else.
00:05:39 >> But there isn't.
00:05:40 >> Do you know the correct way to get out of a tractor if you've hit a power cable?
00:05:44 >> No.
00:05:45 >> The correct way to get out of a tractor, if you've touched a power cable, yeah,
00:05:49 because it was short through your tractor, yes, is to bunny hop.
00:05:53 Open the door, top step, and just jump as far as you can away from it.
00:05:57 >> I can't bunny hop.
00:05:58 >> You'll probably break your leg if you jump from the back of that tractor.
00:06:00 >> My knees are not up to any...
00:06:02 I'll sit in it because the rubber tyres will insulate me.
00:06:04 >> Yeah, but you can't ring me then because there's no signal.
00:06:06 >> Why not?
00:06:07 >> Because the electricity will knock out your signal.
00:06:10 >> And people will miss me after a while.
00:06:12 >> I wouldn't.
00:06:13 [laughter]
00:06:15 >> Anyway, have you got what three words on your phone?
00:06:17 >> Yep.
00:06:18 >> OK, just in case of an accident, you can tell me what specific three words and I'll know where you are.
00:06:23 >> I don't understand what three words. I thought you had to choose the words.
00:06:26 >> No.
00:06:27 >> Because it said, "You choose three words for wherever you are."
00:06:30 But I thought, well, if I send that to you, how do you know what three words I've chosen?
00:06:35 >> I'm going to warm this one up.
00:06:38 [laughter]
00:06:40 >> I promise. I promise. I honestly... I've got it on the phone and it said whatever, walnut, toffee, cat.
00:06:49 >> Yeah, yeah.
00:06:50 >> Well, I don't want those words. Somebody else has chosen them.
00:06:53 >> Yes.
00:06:54 >> Well, I don't like that. I write newspaper columns. Nobody chooses the words for them. I choose the words.
00:06:59 >> Yeah, but the person who wrote this free word programme chose the words for each place.
00:07:03 >> Well, I've got it anyway.
00:07:05 >> Good.
00:07:06 >> All right. At random. No smoking when refuelling.
00:07:10 >> No.
00:07:11 >> I never knew that. I always used to light up when I was filling up the car. Always.
00:07:17 >> I wish you did.
00:07:24 A couple of hours later, Caleb met up with Simon and his combine to harvest the oats he'd planted in the fields where the rape had failed.
00:07:34 >> Have you got a walkie-talkie, Simon?
00:07:37 >> Yeah, I've got you.
00:07:39 And I suspect he was hoping to get it all done without my help.
00:07:47 I think he's hoping I won't find him, but I shall. Then I shall offer my assistance and he will be happy.
00:07:56 Good news! I'm here to help.
00:08:00 >> Oh, no.
00:08:02 >> You can have this trailer. I'll have the other trailer, OK?
00:08:07 The trailer Caleb wanted me to use was only half full, so I had to hook it up and then carry on filling it.
00:08:16 Genuinely, I still don't know how to hook a trailer up.
00:08:24 >> Up. Go up.
00:08:26 >> Is that right?
00:08:29 >> No. Use your joystick. Unlock it on the little button for the hydraulics.
00:08:34 >> You need the hydraulics? Use that little...
00:08:38 Is it locked or not?
00:08:41 >> I don't bloody know.
00:08:42 >> Is it locked on the little button?
00:08:44 >> What?
00:08:45 >> Are we ready?
00:08:48 >> Roll forward a little bit more.
00:08:50 >> What? Backwards?
00:08:51 >> You've got to go forward a little tiny bit.
00:08:53 >> How can they refuel a fighter jet in mid-air at 30,000 feet and yet somehow farmers have not yet invented an easier way?
00:09:03 >> I know, you roll forward again.
00:09:04 >> I have to roll forward.
00:09:06 >> Whoa, shit.
00:09:08 >> Hey, now we're cooking. Only took fucking three hours.
00:09:14 >> Right, there you go. Do you want to try your hydraulics before we go?
00:09:19 >> How do I try hydraulics?
00:09:21 >> You have to unlock the hydraulics and then use the little joystick.
00:09:23 >> How do I unlock the hydraulics? I think.
00:09:26 >> Go down. No, no, no, go down.
00:09:33 [HORN HONKS]
00:09:35 >> Whoa!
00:09:36 >> Oh, you fucking...
00:09:39 >> I can't... I can't stand him.
00:09:47 >> Give him a shovel and some bags. That's what we used to do with the students. Make them shovel it up again.
00:09:51 [HORN HONKS]
00:09:52 >> No!
00:09:53 >> No!
00:09:54 >> Fucking hell.
00:09:55 >> Right, that is up.
00:09:56 >> No, stop!
00:09:59 >> Ah, shit. Can we have an agreement?
00:10:04 >> Well, from now on then, you plug it in.
00:10:06 >> When you plug those hoses in, can they always be the same?
00:10:10 >> Yes, that's what I always do, but your tractor's shit, for one. You're incapable of driving it, for two.
00:10:16 >> It's not me.
00:10:17 >> Well, it is. Every time you jump in it, you press the wrong one.
00:10:20 >> That's because every time I get in it, each button does a different thing. You would agree with that?
00:10:26 >> Yeah, because it's a shit tractor.
00:10:29 >> Luckily, my godson was doing work experience on the farm that week, so he got to experience the joy of shoveling up my spilled oats.
00:10:39 >> Here we go. Coming in.
00:10:43 >> While I headed over to Simon to take the rest of his load.
00:10:48 >> Now, let's not muck it up, Jeremy. Let's not muck it up.
00:10:52 [Music]
00:11:02 >> He's nervous now. He's all over the place.
00:11:05 >> Go over left a little bit. Go left. Go left.
00:11:09 >> Oh, all of that just went over. Look how much.
00:11:13 >> You just spilled loads.
00:11:15 >> What? What have I done wrong now?
00:11:18 >> You just spilled loads and loads over the left-hand side. You were too close.
00:11:22 >> Oh, I don't understand. I don't understand anything.
00:11:26 >> When it was time to take my next load, Simon made a rather humiliating decision.
00:11:43 >> I'm loading my stationary. I know you can see it at home and you're laughing at me, but the important thing is, Caleb's not here to see it.
00:12:01 >> But even though I'd lost whatever harvesting skills I'd once had, we did manage that day to get both fields of oats harvested and in the shed.
00:12:13 >> Eat your heart out, muck Scotland. We can have some muck-chipping Norton porridge.
00:12:18 >> However, we couldn't savour the normal joy of harvesting because once again, the weather reared its ugly head.
00:12:31 >> So now we'll go into the Met Office. They're saying 10 o'clock tonight, rain.
00:12:35 >> I'd mind saying 9 o'clock.
00:12:37 >> Have you got this particular app of doom?
00:12:40 >> Is that the Norwegian? Which one's that one?
00:12:42 >> It's rain today.
00:12:44 >> I've just been looking at BBC Met Office. That Norwegian one's very good.
00:12:48 >> Yeah.
00:12:49 >> They're all saying that now. They're all saying 10 o'clock.
00:12:51 >> 10 o'clock?
00:12:52 >> 10 o'clock.
00:12:53 >> Holy shit, look at that.
00:12:55 >> That is coming. It's going to get medieval on our bottoms.
00:13:00 >> With every app saying wind and rain was on the way, Caleb made a late afternoon decision.
00:13:07 >> I think in terms of what we do next is we finish this field off, yes, because we're here anyway.
00:13:12 >> You're the farm manager.
00:13:13 >> And then we move down to the wild farmed.
00:13:16 >> Yeah. Okay, well that'll keep Andy happy.
00:13:18 >> Yes, and get that done. I think the problem that Andy's worrying about, yeah, our wheat now, yeah, will be fine against the weather.
00:13:23 >> It'll take a little bit of battering before it loses the milling quality.
00:13:26 >> Yeah, before you can make it into bread, not cow food.
00:13:31 >> Exactly, or chicken food. But the problem is I think he's worried about is that that's such an old variety, I think he's worried about it losing the milling quality.
00:13:40 >> Which it might in bad weather.
00:13:42 >> Yes.
00:13:43 >> Andy had predicted that because he'd been too cautious with the fertiliser, his field wouldn't produce a massive yield.
00:13:56 And he wasn't wrong.
00:13:58 >> I mean, a third of the field and it's less than half the trailer full.
00:14:05 >> Well, we're easily going to get this field done.
00:14:08 >> Yeah.
00:14:09 >> It's pretty low, isn't it? Is it worth doing?
00:14:14 >> Yeah. You're just being awkward. You've been awkward all year about somebody stealing your field.
00:14:18 >> Why shouldn't I let someone else drill my field?
00:14:21 >> You're always going to be negative, so I'm not going to listen to you. Because I look after fellow Doncastrians.
00:14:26 >> Doncastrians?
00:14:27 >> That's what we're called.
00:14:28 >> Dear Lord.
00:14:29 >> He's from Donny, I'm from Donny.
00:14:30 >> I bet you're in some sort of cult.
00:14:32 >> Doncaster has given the world Kevin Keegan, Diana Rigg, and now we're saving farming.
00:14:40 >> I'm not being horrible, but I have no idea what you're on about.
00:14:45 >> You've never heard of Kevin Keegan?
00:14:46 >> No. Was he a Prime Minister?
00:14:49 >> No, he was Captain Footballer.
00:14:51 >> Oh.
00:14:52 >> Working without a break into the night, we got Andy's wheat in just before the rain came.
00:15:15 [Music]
00:15:20 >> And the next day, this new age mix of wheat and beans went off to be milled.
00:15:27 >> This meant we could turn our attention to the problem child. The oilseed rape.
00:15:38 >> Now let's just remind ourselves. There's a saying which says if you haven't got your rape planted by the time of the Morton Show, which is a farming show near here, which is early September, don't plant it because you're too late.
00:15:52 >> We didn't get our rape in by the Morton Show. We advised Caleb not to plant rape. He went ahead and planted it anyway. Most of it failed. This field didn't fail.
00:16:05 >> We're waiting to see what the yield is. How many fields have we got? We've got two fields of it, haven't we?
00:16:10 >> We normally put about 100 hectares in, yeah?
00:16:13 >> Of oilseed rape?
00:16:14 >> Of oilseed rape. And this year we've got 20.
00:16:17 >> Yeah, because how much failed?
00:16:19 >> Only one field at 80 hectares.
00:16:20 >> No, two fields failed.
00:16:21 >> No, one field failed.
00:16:22 >> Oh.
00:16:23 >> Say sorry.
00:16:25 >> I'm sorry you planted the wrong crop.
00:16:29 >> No, say sorry.
00:16:30 >> Sorry that your mistake was bigger than it was.
00:16:32 >> Keep your nose for one minute.
00:16:33 >> All right, you've done a very good job.
00:16:35 >> Thank you.
00:16:36 >> Here we go.
00:16:39 >> Where do we want it to be?
00:16:40 >> Underneath nine. Twelve. I reckon another two hours we'll be going.
00:16:47 >> So, a couple of hours later we came back to do another moisture test.
00:16:54 >> What was it this morning?
00:16:55 >> It was 12%.
00:16:57 >> And we need it to be less than nine?
00:16:58 >> Yes.
00:16:59 >> I don't remember very much from the years I've been farming, but the one thing I do remember,
00:17:04 and this was on television, is Charlie said to me that a contractor, Caelan or Simon,
00:17:10 will always say, "Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about the moisture."
00:17:13 And Charlie said, "Never, ever let them harvest it if it's too wet. Never, ever let them do that."
00:17:20 So, if it's over nine, I mustn't let him combine it.
00:17:28 >> What is it?
00:17:29 >> So, it's ten, so it's still too wet.
00:17:31 >> So, now you can make the decision now because you're going to say, "I'm a contractor."
00:17:34 So, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to get this off today at 10%,
00:17:38 take a little bit of the drying charge, or wait until the end of the week when our wheat's ready,
00:17:42 and if we lose the Haberg on the wheat, we're going to lose the milling quality.
00:17:46 The last thing we want to do is be caught out harvesting this when our wheat's ready.
00:17:49 So, you make the call. Go for it, because you'll go, "You know, that's a contractor.
00:17:52 Don't you know that I'm a contractor?"
00:17:54 Go on. Call it.
00:17:57 >> Charlie said, "Don't harvest."
00:17:59 >> Yeah, I know what Charlie said, but this is your decision now.
00:18:02 Call it. Go on. By the time we get it going, we've got to get a sign up here.
00:18:05 >> I can't call it when you keep talking.
00:18:07 >> All right, go on then. I'll shut up.
00:18:09 >> "I'm just a contractor."
00:18:11 >> So, there's probably five or six hours in total to get the rape in.
00:18:16 >> Yeah.
00:18:17 >> And the wheat--
00:18:18 >> It's going to be ready on Wednesday afternoon. I guarantee that wheat will be fit Wednesday afternoon.
00:18:23 Make the call.
00:18:26 >> I cannot believe Charlie's gone on holiday.
00:18:29 >> Oh, can you please just make the decision, please?
00:18:31 >> I can't make a decision.
00:18:32 >> I'll do it for you, then we're going. Ready?
00:18:34 >> Charlie told me not to do this.
00:18:36 >> I'm calling Simon. We're calling it.
00:18:38 >> When Simon arrived, I went off to do mushroom business.
00:18:50 Leaving Caleb waiting anxiously to find out whether his rape gamble had paid off.
00:18:57 >> Simon, do you copy?
00:19:01 >> Yeah, I've got you.
00:19:02 >> Are you getting on well?
00:19:04 >> Yeah, well, yes. We're running quarter full.
00:19:08 >> Quarter full?
00:19:10 >> At the moment, it's saying a quarter of a tonne to the hectare.
00:19:15 >> Shit, now.
00:19:20 >> A lot of these plants just haven't got any pods on at all.
00:19:24 That's the trouble with rape. It's a volatile crop.
00:19:27 >> I returned when they were on the second and final field of rape.
00:19:43 >> How was-- how was--
00:19:46 >> Shockingly bad.
00:19:47 >> How bad?
00:19:48 >> Really bad.
00:19:49 >> No, what was the yield?
00:19:51 >> Oh, like, average of like 300 kg a hectare.
00:19:55 >> You're joking.
00:19:56 >> Has that trailer got the first field on it?
00:19:58 >> Yeah, I wouldn't go and have a look if I was you.
00:20:01 Don't do it to yourself, honestly.
00:20:03 See what I mean?
00:20:08 >> Yeah. 25 acres?
00:20:11 >> Yeah.
00:20:12 >> Shit.
00:20:15 >> Once again, it was the weather that had dealt the killer blow.
00:20:20 >> That's a rape stalk. Where's all the pods gone?
00:20:24 >> Oh, shit, there's no pods at all.
00:20:26 >> And look, if you look this way, look behind you.
00:20:28 Can you see it? Where it's a little bit thinner, and it's gone out in the wind,
00:20:32 it's got so brittle, and that storm coming, and the rain coming,
00:20:35 it's knocking out the rapeseed that we want. Honestly.
00:20:40 >> You do look-- I mean, I'm pissed off. You are pissed off.
00:20:42 I mean, I can see you're pissed off.
00:20:45 >> I'm just fed up.
00:20:46 >> I mean, I would normally-- I'd normally talk to you and say you were told not to plant rape.
00:20:52 >> I'm not in the mood.
00:20:54 >> I mean, you know. Cheer up.
00:20:59 >> Oh, I've just had enough.
00:21:01 >> What?
00:21:02 >> You put all that time and effort in, and money.
00:21:04 I know it's not my money, okay. You know, the old habits of joking and all that,
00:21:08 but it's still-- I still don't want us to do badly. You know?
00:21:13 >> You know?
00:21:14 >> I'll get you a beer.
00:21:17 >> Oh, mate.
00:21:22 >> It's annoying, though, isn't it? You know what I mean?
00:21:26 We're in this together, aren't we?
00:21:29 >> Yeah.
00:21:30 >> I'll go and get the trailer. I'll drop this one off, and then I'll meet you back here, yeah?
00:21:34 >> Yeah.
00:21:36 [Music]
00:21:38 >> Once the rape was in, there was a harvesting pause.
00:21:50 So I went to London to see my new granddaughter.
00:21:54 Leaving Caleb in charge of the now very pregnant pigs.
00:22:01 [Pig snorting]
00:22:10 >> She's very close. She's extremely close, I reckon, tonight.
00:22:15 She wants comfort.
00:22:19 A bit like going into the maternity centre with the other half.
00:22:25 Hold her hand.
00:22:31 Massage their back.
00:22:33 Scratch me on their ears.
00:22:36 You OK? Yeah.
00:22:39 Yeah, you're good.
00:22:42 Calm the down, look.
00:22:49 >> The next day, the piglets started to appear.
00:22:59 [Pig snorting]
00:23:03 >> Lots of them.
00:23:05 >> In fact, there were so many...
00:23:12 >> ...that Dilwyn the vet had to come along to do a bit of social engineering.
00:23:21 >> ...14, 15, 16 in here.
00:23:23 >> Yeah, that's too many.
00:23:25 >> She'll be struggling to rear more than 12.
00:23:28 >> Yeah. >> 12, 13.
00:23:30 >> I think the best thing to do is to get the smaller ones and the smaller ones over there.
00:23:35 >> She's farrowing outside. >> Yeah.
00:23:38 >> Put them over there. That'll give them a chance. They'll see how we get on.
00:23:42 >> Yeah.
00:23:43 >> Yeah, look at that. They're minute.
00:23:47 >> They're tiny. >> Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:49 >> Look at mother.
00:23:52 [Pig snorting]
00:24:05 >> That's having a good feed now.
00:24:07 [Pig snorting]
00:24:13 >> It's wicked isn't it, when you see that.
00:24:15 [Pig snorting]
00:24:21 [Guitar strum]
00:24:23 >> When I returned, Lisa and I rushed over to Pig City to say hello to the new arrivals.
00:24:29 >> Oh, this is amazing.
00:24:34 >> Look at the size of that one.
00:24:36 >> You're a hot... there I have you already.
00:24:39 >> And here you are, sucking straw.
00:24:43 >> Oh my God, there's loads.
00:24:47 >> Well done. We're not going to call you Swizz anymore.
00:24:51 >> In March, Swizz gave birth to three. >> That's right.
00:24:56 >> This time, eleven. >> No.
00:24:58 >> Yes. >> Swizz?
00:25:00 >> Eleven.
00:25:01 >> So the total number of pigs we had in March was 28 piglets. >> Yeah.
00:25:07 >> This time, 53.
00:25:09 >> Whoa, I think that's because they're fit, running up and down that hill.
00:25:12 >> I think it's because they're happy, because they're in the woods. >> Yeah, I think so.
00:25:15 >> But, this is the main thing for me. You know my pig ring? >> Yes.
00:25:20 >> Has it worked?
00:25:22 >> Last time, 28% were squashed by their mothers.
00:25:27 >> This time, 13%.
00:25:30 >> Oh, that's very good. That's excellent.
00:25:33 >> Hey-up.
00:25:34 >> Dude, have you seen how many piglets we've got?
00:25:36 >> Have I seen? I was here helping deliver them.
00:25:38 >> I'll tell you what though, I hate to admit this, yes?
00:25:42 >> Clarkton's ring, it worked. >> Yeah.
00:25:46 >> I mean, you can just see, she's pushed up here against the ring, and the piglets can run behind her.
00:25:53 >> I mean, that's extraordinary.
00:25:56 >> We then had to break off from pig midwifery, because it was time to harvest the barley.
00:26:11 And, as Charlie had feared...
00:26:14 >> You know, it went in a bit later. >> Yeah.
00:26:17 >> It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
00:26:20 And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.
00:26:24 There were signs that the erratic weather had ruined this crop as well.
00:26:30 >> This is the barley, and the problem we've got here, look.
00:26:34 Look at the green in that, look. That's a green one.
00:26:39 Shouldn't be doing that.
00:26:41 The winter wheat was next in line for a haircut.
00:26:50 >> Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
00:27:07 And then Caleb headed over to the last of the big crops.
00:27:11 >> Durham wheat, here we come.
00:27:16 Where he was teamed up with the assistant combine driver.
00:27:24 >> All right, mate? Yeah? >> Good.
00:27:32 >> Yeah, you can't...
00:27:34 Them bloody things, you don't want to be...
00:27:36 They'd be better off if you could come and play with it, wouldn't they?
00:27:38 >> Yeah, that's all right, ain't it? I thought I'd jump in and see you.
00:27:41 >> Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:43 Some rum-hole stuff, this stuff.
00:27:45 You must... Ain't even got time to fart, or should you think?
00:27:48 Still don't know how to come in, which way to come in, do they?
00:27:51 You know, we can't get the rest of the tip in this trailer yet.
00:27:54 It's still drying and all that.
00:27:56 Only went to Romania, didn't it?
00:27:58 >> Pardon?
00:27:59 >> It's old Mrs. Haston, Bozer's assignment.
00:28:02 It's still in that place, it's a lot of barfields of chock,
00:28:05 where all those boys were six-sixing, I think it was.
00:28:09 Still, that was farming, wasn't it?
00:28:12 >> Yeah.
00:28:13 An exhausted Caleb finished a couple of days later.
00:28:22 But there was very little time to relax.
00:28:25 >> Hey-up.
00:28:26 Because Charlie had returned.
00:28:29 >> You haven't got a tan? Are your limetail all intact?
00:28:32 >> I'm all here.
00:28:34 And immediately wanted a catch-up on the crops.
00:28:38 >> I've got the spring valley in. >> Good.
00:28:40 >> I hope that makes malting. >> Yeah.
00:28:42 >> That's the one that's worrying me the most.
00:28:45 >> The durum, that must make pasta grade. >> Yeah.
00:28:48 >> Because Canada's having a shocker again, it's really hot.
00:28:51 So the price of durum, if it's good...
00:28:53 >> Well, it's the price of durum.
00:28:55 >> Really good? Five, six hundred pounds a tonne? >> Okay, yeah.
00:28:58 >> You go that side.
00:29:00 While Charlie and Caleb were collecting samples
00:29:04 to ascertain the quality of what we'd harvested,
00:29:07 I was pulling together the last bits of revenue from farming the unfarmed,
00:29:12 with one unexpected income stream coming from what traditionally is our most jinxed crop.
00:29:19 >> Heel, heel.
00:29:21 Potatoes.
00:29:24 Ariat, no, that's my potatoes.
00:29:26 No, get off my potatoes. Go on, this way.
00:29:29 No, you eejits. Go on, this way.
00:29:31 Basically, Lisa had commandeered one of the fields idea marked for mustard
00:29:36 and planted spuds in it because she wanted to have another crack at making crisps.
00:29:43 >> Do you know how many crisps people eat in England every year?
00:29:47 >> No. >> Six billion.
00:29:49 >> Six billion packets of crisps. >> Packets.
00:29:52 >> One a little bit. >> One a little bit. >> Linnock is so rich. >> Yeah, exactly.
00:29:55 This all sounded very exciting,
00:29:58 but working out how we stood financially triggered another bout of diddly-squat maths.
00:30:05 So we've got 50 tonnes. That's...
00:30:08 Well, one tonne is 100,000 kilos, isn't it? Yeah.
00:30:13 Is it? What's one tonne?
00:30:15 >> A thousand. >> A thousand kilograms is one tonne. Right.
00:30:19 So it's half a million grams divided by 120.
00:30:25 So you should be getting 4,000... no, 4,200 packets of crisps out of here.
00:30:31 No, you... that... you... no.
00:30:33 It's a million grams in a tonne.
00:30:35 So it's 50 million. I may have got my decimal point wrong.
00:30:39 >> I think you might have. >> 400,000 packets of crisps.
00:30:41 No, that would be 4,166...
00:30:44 Lisa, your business plans are worse than mine.
00:30:46 No, no, no. Let's see your numbers on mustard.
00:30:47 I haven't done them.
00:30:49 Well, how do you know you're going to be ahead of the event?
00:30:51 Eventually, we agreed the potatoes would bring in... something or other.
00:30:56 And then I set off with my trailer to harvest the mustard fields Lisa hadn't commandeered.
00:31:04 Ooh, this is going to be tight.
00:31:14 [ENGINE STARTS]
00:31:16 I think that will just about get the tractor through.
00:31:21 But what about the trailer?
00:31:25 Erm...
00:31:33 Oh, shit.
00:31:41 [ENGINE STOPS]
00:31:43 What the hell am I going to do now?
00:31:50 Well, how are we going to get the combine in?
00:31:56 Well, how are you going to get the tractor moving?
00:31:58 I can get that out of the way. I can get that...
00:31:59 Go on, then. Can you move this?
00:32:01 Because I'm properly stumped on that one.
00:32:04 [ENGINE STARTS]
00:32:08 Don't do that!
00:32:10 Oh.
00:32:13 I did not think of doing that.
00:32:18 I did not think of doing that.
00:32:22 Bollocks.
00:32:28 Stump... Fucking hell.
00:32:32 There's drivers and there's screwdrivers.
00:32:36 And you're a screwdriver.
00:32:38 No, I just... I forgot I could lift it up. That would have got it through.
00:32:41 Yeah.
00:32:42 But I forgot I could lift it up.
00:32:43 How are we going to get that in, though, more importantly?
00:32:46 Erm...
00:32:48 The problem with planting crops on ground that's not usually farmed,
00:32:54 and I should have realised this,
00:32:56 is that none of the gates are designed for modern farm machinery.
00:33:03 So, Simon and Caleb had to make a long and irritating detour.
00:33:08 Jesus Christ.
00:33:11 Yeah.
00:33:13 And then, to get into the actual mustard field,
00:33:17 we had to smash a fence down.
00:33:20 Right, what are we doing here?
00:33:27 This was the field where, five months earlier,
00:33:32 Caleb had been less than impressed by my planting skills.
00:33:36 So, look, you start drilling here, and then you come along.
00:33:39 Fucking great miss.
00:33:41 Oh, look, another miss.
00:33:44 But, now we were here, to me, the results looked pretty impressive.
00:33:50 So, once Simon had finished combining,
00:33:59 I brought my trailer in, ready to receive my load.
00:34:03 There's the fan.
00:34:09 And here comes the mustard. There it is!
00:34:12 Look at that! There's tonnes of it!
00:34:15 Is that it?
00:34:23 Right.
00:34:29 Well, I guess I'd better cancel the speedboat order.
00:34:33 Having readjusted my financial expectations,
00:34:38 I set about turning the few seeds I did have into a delicious mustard.
00:34:44 What I've done so far is put 1.3 litres of vegetable oil in there.
00:34:51 I'm now going to add - this is for 40 jars -
00:34:54 2.2 litres of cider vinegar.
00:34:59 It seems like James May decided to do a cookery show.
00:35:03 You just sit down and put things in jars.
00:35:06 Bee juice.
00:35:11 Cider!
00:35:13 400 millilitres.
00:35:16 I may have overdone it with the cider, but it'll be fine.
00:35:19 Light, soft brown sugar.
00:35:22 For the whisking, apparently, I have to be quite frantic,
00:35:25 so I need a hat.
00:35:28 Apparently, this is a hat.
00:35:30 Now, my mustard seeds now need to be cracked
00:35:39 to let the stuff out of them.
00:35:42 And I have a mustard cracker.
00:35:45 You just put the seeds in...
00:35:47 WHIRRING
00:35:49 ..the seeds in...
00:35:51 I've got to take the lid off.
00:35:58 Why have you put the bloody...
00:36:13 WHIRRING
00:36:15 Now, being careful to take the lid off your mustard cracker,
00:36:29 pour these into the top.
00:36:31 There we go. Lovely.
00:36:36 Ready?
00:36:38 WHIRRING
00:36:41 Right. Now, that doesn't look very different,
00:36:44 but they have been cracked.
00:36:46 And whisk away.
00:36:51 Once the finished mustard had been decanted into jars,
00:36:55 I took all, um, 36 of them up to the farm shop.
00:37:01 Ooh!
00:37:04 Check it out.
00:37:06 Jeremy's hot seed.
00:37:07 Well, it's mustard seed. Look, cider and honey mustard.
00:37:10 So those are cider. Those are cherries.
00:37:12 Jeremy's hot seed with a cherry either side.
00:37:15 Yeah, I don't know why.
00:37:17 Is that an apple?
00:37:19 Could be apples. Yeah, it's apples. They're apples.
00:37:21 And they're £6.
00:37:23 But we need to explain...
00:37:25 No, for this size...
00:37:27 No, I've really done the maths on this.
00:37:29 £6.
00:37:31 £7 in Delfthorde.
00:37:33 It's quite small. OK, £6.50.
00:37:36 £5.50? No, it's £6.
00:37:38 If you want to lose money, it's £5.50. It's £6.
00:37:40 OK. I promise you, it's £6.
00:37:42 OK. Because we were supposed to have grown, um...
00:37:45 Are those Christmas baubles local?
00:37:49 Um...
00:37:51 The next morning, Charlie came to see me with some important news,
00:37:58 because he'd had the results from the quality tests on our crops.
00:38:03 Morning, Jeremy.
00:38:05 Charlie, how are you?
00:38:07 I must be honest, I was quite nervous.
00:38:10 The milling wheat, the winter wheat, is milling wheat.
00:38:14 Yeah, it's made the grade.
00:38:16 Yeah, your durum wheat is exceptional on some counts...
00:38:20 ..and not quite so exceptional on others.
00:38:24 15% moisture, spot on.
00:38:29 Yeah. Protein, 15.4.
00:38:31 Yeah. Exceptional.
00:38:33 Hagberg. It's meant to be 250.
00:38:36 It's 133.
00:38:38 So, that's how elastic the dough would be.
00:38:45 Gives it a nice elasticity, so stretchy dough.
00:38:48 You know how pasta...
00:38:50 I'd love to pretend I knew what that meant.
00:38:53 It can't be used.
00:38:57 So, you can't make pasta out of it?
00:38:59 You can't make pasta out of it.
00:39:01 So, we just have to feed it to the cows that we don't have?
00:39:04 Yeah.
00:39:06 Oh, how many tonnes did we have?
00:39:09 We had about 150.
00:39:11 150 tonnes, and we should have got £400 a tonne for it.
00:39:16 Yeah. That's £60,000.
00:39:18 And we're actually going to get... What do we get from...?
00:39:21 Probably feed wheat today, we make 175.
00:39:24 £26,250.
00:39:28 So, we've lost £33,750.
00:39:32 So...
00:39:34 £33,750.
00:39:36 Because it rained.
00:39:40 It doesn't stop, I'm afraid.
00:39:43 Well, it gets worse.
00:39:45 We've got the barley results back.
00:39:47 So, the barley...
00:39:50 Well, it won't germinate,
00:39:53 because some of it is, as it says, it's just dead.
00:39:56 So, it doesn't have the required germination.
00:39:59 What does it mean? Can we not make...?
00:40:01 It means we can't use it for malting barley.
00:40:03 Sucking out...
00:40:07 How are we going to make the beer?
00:40:09 Um...
00:40:13 And again, just forgetting the beer for the moment,
00:40:16 what would we have achieved had we sold it?
00:40:19 There are about 180 tonnes of barley.
00:40:22 And it would have gone for...?
00:40:24 £235.
00:40:26 A tonne. Yeah.
00:40:28 So, we'd have got £42,000
00:40:30 if we could have sent it down to Hawkeston.
00:40:32 Yeah.
00:40:33 And what are we going to get?
00:40:35 £160.
00:40:37 As animal feed again.
00:40:39 £28,000. So, we've lost...?
00:40:41 £14,000.
00:40:43 £14,000.
00:40:45 So, we've lost £14,000 on the barley.
00:40:48 £34,000 on the...
00:40:50 £34,000 on the...
00:40:52 pasta wheat.
00:40:54 Barley is a problem.
00:40:56 That is a big problem. I've got to ring the brewery now.
00:40:59 Your durum wheat, unless we can improve that a little bit,
00:41:02 which it might improve in store, it sometimes does,
00:41:06 it's feed wheat.
00:41:08 But I'm not in full despair of this yet.
00:41:11 Oh, it's all been terrible news.
00:41:15 So, we've... I...
00:41:17 Yeah, I'm not enjoying this job this year.
00:41:20 (SIGHS)
00:41:22 To cheer myself up after this dire forecast,
00:41:27 I decided it was time to spring a nice surprise on Lisa.
00:41:31 So, on a lovely sunny day,
00:41:34 I drove us over to see Tim, the cow farmer.
00:41:38 Follow me.
00:41:43 I like a little bit of a run-out.
00:41:45 I know.
00:41:46 (CLEARS THROAT)
00:41:48 (DOG BARKS)
00:41:50 No.
00:41:52 Pepper!
00:41:54 Oh, no way! Yeah.
00:41:56 We haven't seen her for a year. Oh, of course it is.
00:41:58 Look at her face. And the really big surprise...
00:42:01 Yeah? That is Pepper's calf.
00:42:04 I don't understand. Pepper got pregnant.
00:42:09 This is Pepper's calf. Oh, little...
00:42:13 Oh!
00:42:15 You are the cutest little thing. You are a sweetheart.
00:42:18 Look at the little diddly Pepper.
00:42:21 Really good-looking calf.
00:42:24 Oh, look at her little... She's got her little snubby face.
00:42:28 Oh!
00:42:30 Pepper, well done. You look fantastic as well.
00:42:33 Oh!
00:42:35 No, cos when I said to Charlie,
00:42:37 "What will happen to Pepper?" You know, and all the mothers...
00:42:40 Yeah. ..could be sent back to term, he said,
00:42:42 "You've got to ask questions that you don't want to hear the answer to."
00:42:45 Imagine my surprise when... Where are we? Nine months later.
00:42:49 That's the best surprise you could have given me.
00:42:53 Aw! Tim!
00:42:55 How the bloody hell did you do that?
00:42:58 The same bull that was at yours. No. Same bull. Yep.
00:43:01 Maestro. Yep, Maestro.
00:43:03 Breakheart. Breakheart Maestro.
00:43:05 What, you mean we brought her back here and she got up the duff immediately?
00:43:08 Yeah. Well, about a month afterwards.
00:43:10 She was rude, to be honest, Tim.
00:43:12 She didn't like Oxfordshire. Yeah.
00:43:14 She didn't like Oxfordshire. She's moved back into Northamptonshire.
00:43:17 She doesn't like... Doesn't like the Oxfordshire Council.
00:43:21 Yeah, so, little heifer calf. That's amazing.
00:43:23 And Rosie and Harry have called her Tabitha.
00:43:26 Tabitha? Or Tabby for short, yeah.
00:43:28 She's quite a character. Is she? Yeah.
00:43:31 Pepper and Tabby. Pepper and Tabby, yeah.
00:43:34 So gorgeous. And she's a really good mum.
00:43:37 I'm just so thrilled. I know.
00:43:40 I believe shit, apart from that.
00:43:43 That's fantastic.
00:43:45 The world's most famous cow is now a mum.
00:43:50 A week later, all the results from the harvest were in.
00:44:08 Which meant it was time for the grand whiteboard finale.
00:44:13 Well, here we are. Big moment.
00:44:17 Caleb and I therefore met in the office to find out who'd won.
00:44:21 So, by farming the unfarmed land on the farm...
00:44:28 Yep.
00:44:30 ..I made £27,614.
00:44:35 Profit? Profit. Wow.
00:44:38 That is an awful lot of work for not quite enough money
00:44:42 to buy many countrymen.
00:44:44 I could earn more than that by making people cups of coffee
00:44:47 on Paddington Station.
00:44:49 But... Is it a profit, though?
00:44:52 You've done better than I thought you would have.
00:44:55 Look at the cows. The cow, that, honestly, that is...
00:44:59 As a cow farmer, that is amazing.
00:45:02 How many cows was that? That was from five.
00:45:05 £5,000 a cow?
00:45:07 The average beef farmer now a year would be getting,
00:45:09 as a fat cattle, maybe £1,800.
00:45:11 Well, that is because we got the burger van.
00:45:14 Yeah, so we have an outlet for them. Yeah.
00:45:16 Mushrooms. Look at that.
00:45:19 I mean, we should definitely do more mushrooms.
00:45:22 Look at that. We're not wasting, like, more mushrooms.
00:45:24 Nearly £7,000 profit on mushrooms. That was a good idea.
00:45:27 The goats... We're going to keep the goats?
00:45:30 Yeah, of course we're going to keep the goats.
00:45:32 You should slaughter them. What do you mean, slaughter them?
00:45:34 You should kill them. No! And then eat them. No!
00:45:37 They're 29-boy goats. You can't do anything with them.
00:45:40 No, I like them. Nettles, total disaster.
00:45:42 Yeah, let's not do that.
00:45:44 The venison... Well, I think we should keep doing it.
00:45:47 We've got to keep doing it. Yeah, because there's so many deer around.
00:45:50 I mean, the upshot is...
00:45:52 it didn't lose money.
00:45:54 You got a profit of £27,614, but it was a loss of work.
00:45:58 Hello. Hi, Charlie. Hi, how are you?
00:46:00 Just doing my numbers. Very good.
00:46:03 I've got... Look at this.
00:46:05 30% uplift on farming the unfarmed.
00:46:08 It's a 50% uplift.
00:46:10 No. Yes.
00:46:12 Why is it?
00:46:14 Because you've made £27,000 and you've spent...
00:46:17 53. Just done 54, yeah.
00:46:19 So...
00:46:21 If you gave me a pound, I've given you £1.50 back.
00:46:24 That's exactly what's just happened. Oh.
00:46:27 Oh, I've... Oh, well...
00:46:29 So fucking confused.
00:46:31 Anyway, we haven't lost money.
00:46:33 That's the important thing. No, he's made a profit.
00:46:35 I've made a profit. Anyway...
00:46:37 With my side out of the way, it was now time for Charlie
00:46:40 to let Caleb know how he'd done.
00:46:42 All right, green or red?
00:46:44 No, no, I'm just... No, you want the red one first.
00:46:47 So, contract, so this is paying you, paying Simon,
00:46:52 and hiring £46,279.
00:46:57 OK? So that gave you a total cost...
00:47:02 £183,000.
00:47:05 £183,000.
00:47:07 And £11,000. Zero, one, one.
00:47:09 £183,000. So that's how much?
00:47:11 It's mad to think you've got to spend that to grow food.
00:47:14 That, all that cost is to simply...
00:47:16 I know, and then we haven't just...
00:47:18 No, my heart's really going to pitter-patter, cos...
00:47:21 So is mine. So, rapeseed.
00:47:23 Green pen, isn't it? Green pen.
00:47:25 Rape, we'd actually, there was more of it than...
00:47:27 £10,172.
00:47:30 So it looks like you were right to plant rape.
00:47:34 Right and wrong. One field was very, very poor, yes,
00:47:38 but luckily, and I thank Berry Hill South for this,
00:47:41 we had a really good harvest in there, and the yields...
00:47:45 Was really high. The one that looked awful...
00:47:48 Was good. Was good. And the field that looked...
00:47:50 The problem is, if you hadn't grown rape,
00:47:52 you would have planted something else,
00:47:54 which would have been even more profitable than that. Yes.
00:47:57 But luckily, I covered my costs and made a little bit on the rape that we had.
00:48:00 No, you have. OK, good.
00:48:02 All right, what have we got next?
00:48:04 Wheat. Wheat.
00:48:06 The good news, it made milling.
00:48:08 And we... Yes.
00:48:10 Yep, the winter wheat... So that's bread.
00:48:12 Bread. Human food. Yep.
00:48:14 £93,204.
00:48:17 And that's at £250 a tonne. £250 a tonne, yep.
00:48:21 Come on, let's keep going.
00:48:23 Oats. Yep. Made milling.
00:48:25 And who knew there's been a real disaster
00:48:27 across Northern Europe this year with oats?
00:48:29 What a rotten bit of luck for the Finns.
00:48:31 Er, £26,835.
00:48:35 Then we come down to grass seed,
00:48:37 which was your haylage field at the top. Yep.
00:48:40 £4,890.
00:48:43 How many cuts did you get in the end? Three.
00:48:45 You did get three? Three, but it didn't make any hay.
00:48:48 So we won't be able to sell any to Amanda Holden?
00:48:50 No, unfortunately not.
00:48:52 Andy Cato's field? Wild farmed.
00:48:54 £7,206.
00:48:57 It's not as good as our best wheat field,
00:48:59 but it's better than our worst wheat field.
00:49:01 So that's made a profit.
00:49:03 If that was into wheat, we'd have got, you know, more there.
00:49:05 No, no, if I might, let's be positive.
00:49:08 OK, you might have earned more
00:49:10 if we'd have farmed your way on that field. Mm-hm.
00:49:13 But we haven't lost any money,
00:49:15 and we might, and hopefully we have...
00:49:18 Improve the soil. ..improve the soil.
00:49:20 And that is something I'm...
00:49:21 I know I don't want to sound like some virtue-signalling idiot
00:49:24 on Instagram, but I do care about the soil, so that...
00:49:27 Good.
00:49:30 Durham wheat, pasta?
00:49:32 You didn't think it was going to make it, did you?
00:49:37 No, and it has.
00:49:39 Has it? It's...
00:49:40 So, it got up to 170 hagberg,
00:49:43 but because this year's been so difficult, you know,
00:49:46 we've worked with Matthew, and they've milled it,
00:49:49 and they've made a grist, so it's made pasta.
00:49:52 Yes! That is good news.
00:49:54 We've got a million as well on the wheat, haven't we?
00:49:57 So...
00:49:58 £60,165.
00:50:02 We are going to...
00:50:03 £60,000...
00:50:05 165.
00:50:08 165!
00:50:11 That looks like a good round number, doesn't it, there?
00:50:14 Look at it!
00:50:15 Jesus Christ, that's fantastic.
00:50:17 However, spring barley...
00:50:19 Here it is.
00:50:20 It was the...
00:50:21 We can't use it to make Hawkston beer, can we?
00:50:23 It's the finest quality animal feed.
00:50:26 £25,526.
00:50:31 But if we got the...
00:50:32 If we got malting on the spring barley,
00:50:34 we would have made £60,000.
00:50:36 So, pretty much double...
00:50:39 OK, now can we do the adding up?
00:50:41 This is the important thing.
00:50:43 You've got to beat £27,600 in order.
00:50:46 So, £200,000...
00:50:48 What?
00:50:50 ..and £27,998.
00:50:54 So, your total, Caleb, at the top, is £44,987.
00:50:58 Oh, he's beaten me.
00:51:01 Well, there you go.
00:51:04 Woo!
00:51:06 Well done.
00:51:07 First year of being farm manager,
00:51:09 and you've kicked my arse completely.
00:51:11 But we're a team.
00:51:12 So, if we add those two together,
00:51:14 40, 50...
00:51:16 72,500.
00:51:17 72,000.
00:51:18 £72,000.
00:51:19 Well, that's...
00:51:20 A thousand acres, £72 an acre.
00:51:23 Let's go to the pub today, then.
00:51:26 But, Caleb, as you know,
00:51:28 farms always demand cash, don't they?
00:51:30 And we've started next year's cycle.
00:51:32 Actually, I need all of that to fund the seed,
00:51:35 the fertiliser and the sprays.
00:51:37 So, we can't go to the pub?
00:51:38 No.
00:51:39 Well, you need every single penny.
00:51:41 Every single penny.
00:51:43 For seed, ferts and sprays for next year.
00:51:45 That's not even covering the contracting charge.
00:51:48 I'll take you for a pint, then.
00:51:51 Well, I'll tell you something else as well.
00:51:53 If I hadn't have farmed the unfarmed,
00:51:55 we'd be in trouble.
00:51:56 Yeah.
00:51:58 The other thing as well is that, again,
00:52:01 I'm in the fortunate position of having other income streams.
00:52:05 But if you're a normal farmer,
00:52:07 and this is your full-time and only job,
00:52:10 you get two years where you don't make any money.
00:52:14 Yeah.
00:52:15 You're screwed.
00:52:16 It's really tough.
00:52:17 Because of the fluctuations we saw in the price of wheat
00:52:21 and in the price of fertiliser...
00:52:23 Yeah.
00:52:24 ..you don't know where you are.
00:52:25 You can't plan.
00:52:27 Literally, a butterfly can flap its wings in China
00:52:30 and you go bankrupt.
00:52:32 It's that nuts.
00:52:34 You're used to having a relatively stable income
00:52:38 in terms of subsidies, but they're going.
00:52:40 It's really hard to get...
00:52:41 I like to think the future of farming is bright and light
00:52:44 and especially young generation coming in.
00:52:46 Especially me. I'm 25 years old.
00:52:48 I've got maybe potentially 60 harvests left.
00:52:50 How?
00:52:51 I don't know. I honestly don't know.
00:52:53 How?
00:52:54 But I want to stay positive because I love what I do.
00:52:58 I've just been to the president again.
00:53:00 Prime Minister, sorry.
00:53:01 President!
00:53:02 OK, now.
00:53:04 President.
00:53:06 It was hard, giving Charlie every penny we'd made
00:53:12 to buy seed and fertiliser for the following year.
00:53:16 Because it meant we'd been through a lot to earn nothing at all.
00:53:24 # Well, I think it's fine
00:53:28 # Building jumbo planes
00:53:32 # Or taking a ride
00:53:36 # On a cosmic train
00:53:39 # I know we've come a long way
00:53:45 # We're changing day to day
00:53:48 # But tell me, why do the children play?
00:53:54 # Hey, hey, hey
00:53:57 # When you crack the sky
00:54:03 # Scrapers fill the air
00:54:07 # But will you keep on building higher
00:54:10 # Till there's no more room up there?
00:54:13 # I know we've come a long way
00:54:17 # We're changing day to day
00:54:21 # But tell me, why do the children play?
00:54:25 # Hey, hey, hey
00:54:28 Yup, it had been yet another tumultuous year.
00:54:38 But, as is now customary,
00:54:42 Team Diddley Squat gathered to mark its passing.
00:54:48 A picnic in the woods, next to one of my lesser triumphs.
00:54:53 - Dam's not quite finished. - Look at it.
00:54:57 - You know we've gone backwards. - Have you started it?
00:55:02 Such a mess. That is a disgrace, to be honest.
00:55:05 It's like a pair of children being played down there, isn't it?
00:55:08 - Yeah. - What?
00:55:10 That's exactly what it is.
00:55:13 - Oh! - Oh!
00:55:16 - The dogs are still untrained. - You are filthy.
00:55:19 Go away. Go away.
00:55:21 You know, I was thinking the other day,
00:55:25 farmers moan, often with good reason.
00:55:28 "Probably difficult. Don't get much pay.
00:55:32 "Get lambasted by everybody for harming the environment."
00:55:35 Why do they keep doing it?
00:55:37 Why are they fighting to keep the industry going?
00:55:40 You know, why would you?
00:55:42 And then I remembered you saying four years ago,
00:55:45 "It's a way of life, farming."
00:55:47 - You'd agree? - Yeah.
00:55:49 Yeah, I mean, you know, in the first year I went,
00:55:52 "Shall I go back to London or shall I stay here?"
00:55:55 - It doesn't even enter my head. - Oh, fuck.
00:55:58 It doesn't even enter my head now.
00:56:03 I mean, I've got to go to London next Tuesday
00:56:06 and I'm already dreading it and trying to think of excuses for not going.
00:56:10 - You know you went away to Africa? - Yeah.
00:56:12 - You know, I'm going to miss this. - Yeah.
00:56:15 I kind of missed you.
00:56:17 The plane's going to crash just as you say that.
00:56:21 - When you said "kind of"... - Really?
00:56:24 I miss him as a person, I don't miss him helping on the farm.
00:56:27 But, like, you know, our cup of teas and our little chats
00:56:30 and our meal out on the weekend and chit-chats and farming chats and...
00:56:35 You do need that community around.
00:56:37 You do need that sort of...
00:56:39 - I know. - And we've had the usual year of rows,
00:56:42 difficulties, bad weather, disappointments, deaths,
00:56:46 the pigs were just awful, Baroness and so on.
00:56:49 But let us look at it this way.
00:56:52 I became a grandfather for the first time since we were last here.
00:56:57 You became a father again.
00:57:00 And you, the G-dog, beat the big C.
00:57:04 - Yeah. - I think we can drink to that.
00:57:07 - Cheers, guys. - Well done, mate.
00:57:09 - Cheers, everybody. - Well done.
00:57:11 - Cheers. - Thank you.
00:57:13 - Thank you and thank you. - You're welcome.
00:57:16 Thank you, everybody, for helping to make this the best job in the world.
00:57:20 I would like to thank everybody, all the film crew and all my friends here.
00:57:25 All of you have been so kind to me and my family.
00:57:29 And thank you very much.
00:57:32 - Gerald, we're here for you all the time. - That's good.
00:57:35 - Cheers. - Cheers, guys.
00:57:38 # I was born in the wagon of a travelling show
00:57:46 # My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw
00:57:49 # Papa would do whatever he could
00:57:54 # Preach a little gospel
00:57:57 # Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:58:01 # Jim Seams, Tramp and Thieves
00:58:04 # We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:58:07 # They'd call us Jim Seams, Tramp and Thieves
00:58:10 # But every night all the men would come around
00:58:14 # And lay their money down
00:58:18 # I never had schooling but it taught me well
00:58:21 # With this move, this style
00:58:24 # Three months later I'm a gal in trouble
00:58:27 # And I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:33 # And I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:39 # She was born in the wagon of a travelling show
00:58:43 # Her mama had to dance for the money they'd throw
00:58:46 # Grandpa would do whatever he could
00:58:50 # Preach a little gospel
00:58:53 # Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:58:58 # Jim Seams, Tramp and Thieves
00:59:01 # We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:59:03 # They'd call us Jim Seams, Tramp and Thieves
00:59:07 # But every night all the men would come around
00:59:10 # And lay their money down. #
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