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00:00:00Yes, yes of course madam. This is a newsflash. Can anybody identify the following faces?
00:00:07If his kickback's full of wrinkles, he's a navel man.
00:00:09If he reeks of rum and winkles, he's a navel man.
00:00:11If he hums a little ditty and he tells you that you're pretty, you can bet your Bristol city he's a navel man.
00:00:21The wonderful thing about baking a cake, it's like waiting for a birth.
00:00:25You put something in, you wait, you worry, and something wonderful comes out.
00:00:30I said, do you mind if we go over and see mother on Sunday?
00:00:37Come on son, I take it you can remember your own name?
00:00:41Jenkins, sir.
00:00:42Can't hear you son, get some air into your lungs.
00:00:44Jenkins, sir.
00:00:46Begging leftovers is hardly a sign of affluence.
00:00:48You mean that shepherd's pie?
00:00:50The rustic pot roast.
00:00:52It was for the chickens.
00:00:53And they didn't like it.
00:00:56Sorry, Grayson.
00:00:57You call me school bully.
00:01:00You miserable little tick.
00:01:06It's a bit of a snag because it's so difficult to talk properly with it in your mouth.
00:01:27Very good.
00:01:28The BBC would like to congratulate you on your good taste.
00:01:30Obviously you know what you like.
00:01:32Video tasties from the BBC and from any video shop.
00:01:36Even the one around the corner.
00:01:38Well don't just sit there, enjoy yourselves.
00:01:40There's plenty more where these came from.
00:01:57The BBC
00:01:59The BBC
00:02:01The BBC
00:02:03The BBC
00:02:05The BBC
00:02:07The BBC
00:02:09The BBC
00:02:11The BBC
00:02:13The BBC
00:02:15The BBC
00:02:17The BBC
00:02:19The BBC
00:02:21The BBC
00:02:23The BBC
00:02:26The BBC
00:02:28The BBC
00:02:30The BBC
00:02:32The BBC
00:02:34The BBC
00:02:36The BBC
00:02:38The BBC
00:02:40The BBC
00:02:42The BBC
00:02:44The BBC
00:02:46The BBC
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00:02:58The BBC
00:03:00The BBC
00:03:06It's a letter from mother.
00:03:08Oh yes.
00:03:10She wants to know if they're going over to see her on Sunday.
00:03:12Oh.
00:03:19Ah. I'd better be off.
00:03:21Time and motion wait for no man.
00:03:24There you are. Umbrella.
00:03:26Thank you, darling.
00:03:27Briefcase.
00:03:28Thank you, darling.
00:03:31Back at the usual time?
00:03:32Of course.
00:03:34Oh, wait.
00:03:35A piece of white cotton on your coat.
00:03:37Oh, a narrow escape.
00:03:38London businessman saved from white cotton terror.
00:03:41Well, have a good day at the office.
00:03:43I won't.
00:03:55Damn, I wanted to have a look at the roads on Sunday.
00:03:58I've got to go over and see the hippopotamus.
00:04:03Hippopotamus?
00:04:08Not a hippopotamus.
00:04:10An Elizabeth's mother.
00:04:24Morning, Jan.
00:04:50Morning, Mr. Perrett.
00:04:54Eleven minutes late. Staff difficulties at Hampton Wick.
00:04:58Leslie Woodcock from the Tribesville department,
00:05:00he wants to talk to you about the farewell present
00:05:02for Doris Cobleau from Crumbles.
00:05:04How long has she been here?
00:05:05Three years, and she's a bitch.
00:05:06Oh, we sent 10p.
00:05:08Let's start last night's letter, shall we,
00:05:12to Geoff Maynard Reynolds,
00:05:14formerly the summoner.
00:05:15We thank you for your letter of the seven things.
00:05:17I'm sorry you're finding it inconvenient
00:05:19to change over to the Metzinger scale.
00:05:21Let me assure you that many of our suppliers
00:05:23are already finding the new scale
00:05:25as the most realistic method
00:05:26of graining plums and green ages.
00:05:28And with the coming of Medification,
00:05:30I feel confident that...
00:05:32No, the advent. Yes, advent of Medification.
00:05:34I feel confident that the bloody phone will ring all day.
00:05:40Hello?
00:05:41Oh, I'll see if he's in.
00:05:43Are you in, C.J.?
00:05:45Yes, yes, I'm in.
00:05:46Yes, he's in.
00:05:48Oh, no, C.J.?
00:05:50Yes, C.J., yes. Certainly, C.J.
00:05:52I sent it down this morning. It suited me best.
00:05:55Certainly, C.J.
00:05:57Seeing C.J. at four o'clock this afternoon.
00:06:08Send him in, madame.
00:06:11Sit down, gentlemen.
00:06:22Oh, sorry.
00:06:24I think it's the chairs, C.J.
00:06:26Most embarrassing. I must complain to the makers.
00:06:28Well, gentlemen, it's all stations go
00:06:31on this exotic ices project.
00:06:33The pigeon woman has put in a pretty favourable report.
00:06:36I didn't get where I am today without knowing
00:06:38a favourable report when I rerun.
00:06:40Great. Super.
00:06:41So the next thing to do is to make a final decision
00:06:43about our flavours.
00:06:44Yes, we're having a tasting in my office tomorrow, C.J.
00:06:47Jones laying it all off.
00:06:48You've got a good woman there.
00:06:50Yes.
00:06:52HE SNORES
00:06:55HE SNORES
00:07:20I... I... I...
00:07:22What?
00:07:24Nothing, C.J.
00:07:26Ice creams based on exotic fruits.
00:07:28This one's going to be a real winner.
00:07:30I didn't get where I am today without being a real winner
00:07:32when I see one.
00:07:33Great. Super.
00:07:34That's about it, then.
00:07:36Would you stay behind a minute, Richard?
00:07:38HE SNORES
00:07:43Cigar?
00:07:44Oh, C.J.
00:07:47HE SNORES
00:07:50Young Tony's a good lad.
00:07:52Yes, C.J.
00:07:53I'm grooming him.
00:07:54Yes, C.J.
00:07:55This exotic ices project, very exciting.
00:07:58Yes, C.J.
00:08:00Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
00:08:02It depends on the question.
00:08:04This one's very personal indeed.
00:08:08Are you losing your drive?
00:08:10No, C.J., I'm not losing my drive.
00:08:11I'm glad to hear it.
00:08:12We're not one of those dreadful firms
00:08:14that think has chapped no good after he's 46.
00:08:16Goodbye, Richard.
00:08:20Night, C.J.
00:08:25HE SNORES
00:08:34Ah, ten minutes late.
00:08:36Signal failure. Clock's on.
00:08:38Thank you, darling.
00:08:39Have you had a good day at the office?
00:08:40No.
00:08:41What's for supper?
00:08:42Liver and bacon.
00:08:43Oh, Mother rang.
00:08:45She wants to know if we're going over to see her on Sunday.
00:08:49HE SNORES
00:08:55Are you listening, Reggie?
00:08:59Yes, of course I'm listening. What?
00:09:01I said, do you mind if we go over and see Mother on Sunday?
00:09:05HE SNORES
00:09:06HE SNORES
00:09:12Sorry, what?
00:09:13I said, do you mind if we go over and see Mother on Sunday?
00:09:17Yes, that's what I thought you said.
00:09:19Well?
00:09:20Well, what?
00:09:21Do you mind?
00:09:23No, of course not.
00:09:24I'm going to see the hippo first thing on Sunday.
00:09:27Go and see your mother.
00:09:30HE SNORES
00:09:37HE SIGHS
00:09:42Better be off. Time and motion wait for no man.
00:09:51There you are. Umbrella.
00:09:52Good morning.
00:09:53Briefcase.
00:09:54Good morning.
00:09:56Back at the usual time?
00:09:57Of course.
00:09:59Wait.
00:10:00More sips, I'm done.
00:10:01Oh.
00:10:02LAUGHTER
00:10:04Quick thinking housewife saves dormitory town from zip horror.
00:10:08You wouldn't want Mrs Milford to see you with your zip undone.
00:10:11No, no, I suppose not.
00:10:17LAUGHTER
00:10:24Have a good day, darling.
00:10:26Have a good day at the office.
00:10:27I won't.
00:10:28Morning, Jones.
00:10:32Morning, Jones.
00:10:33Morning, Mr Perry.
00:10:36LAUGHTER
00:10:37Eleven minutes late.
00:10:38Staff shortages at Nine Elms.
00:10:40Right, let's get on with last night's letter, shall we?
00:10:43To, er...
00:10:44To Eldie.
00:10:46To Eld...
00:10:47Eldie...
00:10:49Eldie...
00:10:52Nice dress, Jones, isn't it?
00:10:54I've had it three years.
00:10:56Right.
00:10:57I'm ready.
00:11:06I said I'm ready.
00:11:09Ready for what?
00:11:12For the letters, of course.
00:11:13Oh, yes, yes.
00:11:15It's to, er...
00:11:17To, er...
00:11:19To Eldie Mayhew, Mile End Farm, Bamstead St Peter.
00:11:21Thank you for your...
00:11:23For your...
00:11:24Thank you for your...
00:11:26For your letter of the eighties.
00:11:27But I'm sorry, we will not be able to renew the contract for your rhubarb
00:11:30under the new common market agreement we have undertaken
00:11:32to buy Euro rhubarb from France
00:11:35in exchange for Euro plums,
00:11:37which the French re-export to Italy
00:11:39in exchange for Dutch green gauges from Austria.
00:11:43To, er...
00:11:44Sir...
00:11:45Stand, sir.
00:11:48Would you get me Doc Morrissey, extension 242?
00:11:51Are you ill?
00:11:52I don't know.
00:11:54I think the Doc Morris will help.
00:11:55All he ever does is tell you he's got it worse.
00:11:56Gives you two aspirins.
00:11:58I don't know.
00:11:59He was very thorough with me that time I was chesty.
00:12:05Hello.
00:12:06Mr Perrin for you.
00:12:07Oh, no.
00:12:08Yeah, Doc.
00:12:09It's Reggie Perrin, yes.
00:12:10I'm coming down to see you.
00:12:11Er, this morning would be best for me.
00:12:14Right.
00:12:15Seeing Doc Morrissey, 230.
00:12:19Oh, come in.
00:12:20Ah, Reg.
00:12:21Hi, Doc.
00:12:22Well, that secretary of yours got any more chest trouble?
00:12:25No.
00:12:26No, it's about me, actually.
00:12:27You should always open the window.
00:12:28She'll think she's in the draft.
00:12:29I know.
00:12:30Yes, yes, yes.
00:12:31Now, I've been feeling rather odd, Doc.
00:12:33My legs feel heavier, keep shivering.
00:12:36I don't exactly feel ill, though.
00:12:38You find you can't concentrate?
00:12:40Sorry, what?
00:12:42You can't concentrate?
00:12:44You having headaches at all?
00:12:46Yes, just been having them...
00:12:47Don't tickle me.
00:12:48Oh, sorry.
00:12:49Are you sleeping well?
00:12:50No, but...
00:12:51Don't talk to me.
00:12:52I'm sorry.
00:12:57How's that boy of yours?
00:12:59How's his acting coming along?
00:13:00Er...
00:13:02Oh, he should stick to the amateur stuff like his father.
00:13:05Yours was the finest Othello I've ever seen.
00:13:07Definitive.
00:13:08Albert Finney couldn't have done better.
00:13:12The best Othello that sunshine deserts strollers have ever had.
00:13:16Pity Edna made us from dispatch.
00:13:18Made such an adenoidal dismal owner.
00:13:21That's your boy's name again?
00:13:23What?
00:13:24Oh, it's...
00:13:27Cross tick?
00:13:29Oh, Mark.
00:13:30That's right, yes.
00:13:31How's your girl?
00:13:32What's her name?
00:13:33Linda, isn't it?
00:13:34How's she?
00:13:35Oh, pregnant again?
00:13:41Oh, running to fat, yes.
00:13:44Are your bowel movements up to scratch?
00:13:51Wetting the bed?
00:13:52No.
00:13:54No.
00:13:57Oh, you go first thing in the morning.
00:13:59Oh, yes, of course.
00:14:01Where are we going for our holidays this year?
00:14:07Oh, elephant hunting.
00:14:09No, whales.
00:14:13Could you just stand up and open your shirt?
00:14:15Yes.
00:14:17There.
00:14:21OK.
00:14:22Good.
00:14:24Right.
00:14:26That's it.
00:14:29Had any dreams about naked sportswomen?
00:14:33Yes.
00:14:34As a matter of fact, I have, I have.
00:14:35Most of you know, yes.
00:14:36Only last night I dreamt I was watching
00:14:38the Whiteman Cup at Wimbledon, yes.
00:14:40Everyone was stark naked.
00:14:41Even the line judges.
00:14:44Who won?
00:14:45To be honest, I didn't much bother with the scores, eh?
00:14:48I think it was the ones with the very big first serves.
00:14:53I see your ticker's racing at the clippers.
00:14:56It's not surprising, really.
00:14:58Do you find you can't finish the crossword like you used to?
00:15:02Nasty taste in the mouth in the mornings.
00:15:05Can't stop thinking about sex.
00:15:08Can't start doing anything about sex.
00:15:10Wake up with a sweat in the mornings.
00:15:12Keep falling asleep during play for today.
00:15:14You've proved me, Doc.
00:15:15It's exactly how I've been feeling, yes.
00:15:16So do I. I wonder what it is.
00:15:21You are too aspirin.
00:15:24This mulberry and quince is super.
00:15:27Yum, yum.
00:15:28Write it all down.
00:15:30This lime's bleeding diabolical.
00:15:34Write it all down.
00:15:36If you've all finished, ladies and gentlemen,
00:15:38Tony here will collect your cards and we'll have the
00:15:40verdict from the computer before you can say
00:15:42prune and pumpkin neobolitan.
00:15:45It's almost as exciting as the Eurovision Song Contest.
00:15:49Yes, it is.
00:15:50You have left undone those things that ought to have been done up.
00:16:04That's a nice dress, Joan. Is it new?
00:16:06You asked me that this morning.
00:16:09Well, ladies and gentlemen,
00:16:11ladies, me,
00:16:14thank you all for your efforts.
00:16:15You've been helping to launch a new sales campaign
00:16:17that can lift Sunshine Dessert out of the bad times we've been having.
00:16:20What bad times?
00:16:22Sorry, Sir J, slip of the tongue.
00:16:25A sales campaign that can help to lift Sunshine Dessert out of
00:16:27the marvellous times we've been having
00:16:29into the even more marvellous times to come.
00:16:31You feeling all right?
00:16:32It's wonderful, Sir J, I'm feeling wonderful.
00:16:35It's not awfully keen on ice cream.
00:16:37What?
00:16:40Yes, well, I've got the results from the computer.
00:16:43What? Two minutes?
00:16:44What about that, eh?
00:16:49Miracles of modern technology, thank you, Tony.
00:16:51Well, we'll begin our sales campaign
00:16:53and the three most popular flavours we'll start with
00:16:56are Buchen, Plummester and West Germany.
00:17:00What?
00:17:01There's been an electrical fault.
00:17:03Oh, you amaze me.
00:17:04This is no good, Helen.
00:17:06I didn't get where I am today
00:17:07selling ice creams tasting of Buchen, Plummester and West Germany.
00:17:10There's obviously been...
00:17:23I'm sorry.
00:17:26It doesn't matter.
00:17:29You should have married Henry Possett.
00:17:32I didn't want to marry Henry Possett.
00:17:35You're tired, that's all.
00:17:37You need a really good break.
00:17:39You need a month off, Reggie.
00:17:41Yes, well, I can't just now.
00:17:42Not when we're setting up this exotic ices project.
00:17:45Ask C.J. for a holiday tomorrow.
00:17:47You've never had a whole month off.
00:17:49What's going to happen to all those exotic ices?
00:17:51There's a sad, deprived nation out there
00:17:53desperate for mango delight, fig surprise,
00:17:56strawberry and lychee and...
00:17:58Now, you go in to see C.J. tomorrow and you tell him...
00:18:01Tell him where to stick his fig surprise.
00:18:05I just might...
00:18:06Be firm and masterful.
00:18:10Yes, I will.
00:18:12I will.
00:18:14One, two, three, four...
00:18:16Make them sweat outside the door.
00:18:19Five, six, seven, eight...
00:18:21Always pays to make them wait.
00:18:23Nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
00:18:25Done!
00:18:27Up!
00:18:29Reggie!
00:18:30Sit down.
00:18:31Thank you, C.J.
00:18:32Be firm, be masterful.
00:18:33It's only human.
00:18:34What?
00:18:36Nothing, C.J.
00:18:39Funnily enough, C.J., I wonder...
00:18:40I'll come straight to the point.
00:18:42I didn't get where I am today by watching.
00:18:44No, C.J., no.
00:18:45Never use two words where one will do.
00:18:47That's my motto, that's my axiom.
00:18:49That's the way I look at things.
00:18:50Yes, C.J., I wonder, C.J., while I was here...
00:18:52What a surprise you could learn, Reggie,
00:18:54that overall sales in April across the whole spectrum were down.
00:18:570.1%?
00:18:58No, not particularly, C.J.
00:19:00I don't think...
00:19:01Reggie!
00:19:02Pull your socks up.
00:19:03I say to you that overall sales in April across the whole spectrum were down 0.1%.
00:19:07I leave you to draw your own conclusions.
00:19:09And pull your socks up.
00:19:10Yes, C.J.
00:19:11I didn't get where I am today without learning how to handle people.
00:19:14No, C.J.
00:19:15I give them a warning shot across the bows,
00:19:17but I don't let them realise I'm giving them a warning shot across the bows.
00:19:20Yes, C.J.
00:19:21Not that I want to be entirely surrounded by yes-men.
00:19:23No, C.J.
00:19:25So my message to you is this.
00:19:27Go full steam ahead on the exotic ISIS project.
00:19:30This is the big one.
00:19:31I want reports daily.
00:19:33Absolutely, C.J.
00:19:34Daily?
00:19:35Yes, of course, C.J.
00:19:36It's all well in hand.
00:19:39Well, what do you want to see me about?
00:19:41Be firm.
00:19:42Be decisive.
00:19:43Be masterful.
00:19:44What?
00:19:45Well, what is it?
00:19:46Be masterful.
00:19:48I want a holiday, C.J.
00:19:49I want a holiday, and I want it now.
00:19:52Do you now?
00:19:53Yes, C.J.
00:19:54I really must ask you for at least four.
00:19:56Four would be...
00:19:57Well, not less than three.
00:19:58Not less than three.
00:19:59Certainly not less than three.
00:20:01Days.
00:20:02It's a bad time to ask you.
00:20:03Can't spare me.
00:20:04Yes, I quite understand.
00:20:05I just thought while I was here, C.J.,
00:20:06I would agree that long weekends?
00:20:07No, absolutely impossible.
00:20:08That's a good question.
00:20:09Thank you anyway, C.J.
00:20:10Sit down!
00:20:14You're on edge.
00:20:15You need a holiday.
00:20:16Yes, that's why I asked you for one, C.J.
00:20:18Impossible.
00:20:19I'll tell you what we'll do, though.
00:20:20We'll compromise.
00:20:21I didn't get where I am today
00:20:22without learning how to compromise.
00:20:25Take the afternoon off.
00:20:27Thank you, C.J.
00:20:28I don't know what you do at the weekends, Reggie,
00:20:33but take your wife into the country
00:20:35for a quiet couple of days, just the two of you.
00:20:37You'll return a different man.
00:20:38That's what Mrs. C.J. and I do,
00:20:40and we return different men.
00:20:43Thank you, C.J.
00:20:44I will, C.J.
00:20:50Reggie!
00:20:52Middle age can be a difficult time.
00:20:54We're one of those dreadful firms
00:20:55that squeeze a man dry and then abandon him.
00:20:58We value experience too highly.
00:21:00Goodbye, Reggie!
00:21:08Oh!
00:21:09You're home early.
00:21:10Yes.
00:21:11Nothing wrong, is there?
00:21:13No, no.
00:21:14Why should there be?
00:21:15No, no.
00:21:16I haven't been sacked.
00:21:17Sunshine desserts aren't going bankrupt,
00:21:18and I wasn't arrested for plunging naked
00:21:20into the fountains of Trafalgar Square after all.
00:21:23No, I shouldn't have.
00:21:24I don't think you'll be wrong.
00:21:25Oh, I don't know.
00:21:26I just thought maybe it's because you're home early.
00:21:28I mean, you usually come home at the usual time.
00:21:32Yes.
00:21:33Did you ask C.J. about the holiday?
00:21:35Yes, yes.
00:21:36Isn't that the award ceremony we've got at Epsom?
00:21:38Well?
00:21:40How did it go with C.J.?
00:21:41And the holiday?
00:21:42Oh, very well.
00:21:43Very well indeed.
00:21:44Very, very well.
00:21:45Yes.
00:21:46I've got the afternoon off.
00:21:48Oh, well, never mind, darling.
00:21:50Well, never mind.
00:21:51Nice, long, quiet weekend, eh?
00:21:53Well, don't forget we're going to see Mother on Sunday.
00:22:02Yes, well, never mind.
00:22:03We'll have a nice, long, quiet tomorrow, tomorrow.
00:22:07Yes, oh, just the two of us in the country.
00:22:09A walk, a beer.
00:22:11Beer.
00:22:12Walk.
00:22:13Beer.
00:22:14And I'll cook us a lovely dinner tonight.
00:22:16I've got a nice piece of fillet steak.
00:22:18Ah, lovely.
00:22:20And this afternoon we'll do absolutely nothing.
00:22:23And after we've done that, we'll do some more nothing.
00:22:28Oh, no.
00:22:30I don't care who it is.
00:22:31They're not coming in.
00:22:36I'm sorry, we don't want any today, sir.
00:22:37Reggie.
00:22:38Oh, hello, Jimmy.
00:22:39Come in.
00:22:43Your brother.
00:22:44Oh, hello, Jimmy.
00:22:45How's the army?
00:22:46Nice and grumble.
00:22:47May I have a drink, Jimmy?
00:22:48Ten past three, almost tea time.
00:22:50Whiskey, please.
00:22:53Look, no beating about the bush.
00:22:55Bit of a cock-up on the catering front.
00:22:57Muddle over shopping.
00:22:58Fact is, right out of food.
00:23:00Just wondered if you'd got anything.
00:23:02Just bread or something.
00:23:03Pay, of course.
00:23:04I wouldn't hear to it, Jimmy.
00:23:05Oh, thanks.
00:23:06Decent of you.
00:23:07Wouldn't have asked for any kiddies, yelling, general hoo-ha.
00:23:09Bit of a cock-up over pay.
00:23:11Wifely ructions, storm cones hoisted.
00:23:13Oh, yes, of course.
00:23:14What would you like then?
00:23:15Some bacon and eggs.
00:23:16Danish salami.
00:23:18Half a loaf.
00:23:19Carrots.
00:23:20Oranges.
00:23:21Sprouts.
00:23:23Two pork chops.
00:23:25A piece of fillet steak.
00:23:27Yeah, that lot will do fine, thanks.
00:23:30Right.
00:23:32Cheers.
00:23:33Cheers.
00:23:39On duty tonight, tactical exercises.
00:23:41Burnt cork on face.
00:23:42Africa represented by a bagshot heath.
00:23:45British parachute into Ascot.
00:23:47Communists hold Camberley.
00:23:48Chinese frigates off Woking.
00:23:54Yes, that sounds fun.
00:23:57Going on leave soon.
00:23:58Need a holiday.
00:23:59Yes.
00:24:01Oh, visitors.
00:24:02Bad luck.
00:24:03Argo!
00:24:05Tricky blighters, visitors.
00:24:06Never know when to leave.
00:24:08Always outstay their welcome.
00:24:09Yes, some of them do, Jimmy.
00:24:10It's not the drink before you drink.
00:24:11Almost tea time.
00:24:12Besides, mustn't drink and drive.
00:24:13Very wise.
00:24:14Same again?
00:24:15Yes, please.
00:24:17Hello, Doug.
00:24:18Hello, Lois.
00:24:19Hello, Uncle Jimmy.
00:24:20Hello.
00:24:21How's my favourite piece?
00:24:22Oh, I've just cycled over.
00:24:23I'm so hot.
00:24:24I'm sweating.
00:24:25God.
00:24:26Nonsense.
00:24:27Still, the exercise will do me good.
00:24:28I'm carrying too much weight.
00:24:29Nonsense.
00:24:30What's the matter with the car, then?
00:24:31Tom's crashed it.
00:24:33Stupid nit.
00:24:34Oh, dear, dear.
00:24:35What a shame.
00:24:37Yes, he was showing a client around the house.
00:24:39Valued at £42,960.
00:24:42And he drove straight through the bow window of the dining room.
00:24:45Treacherous chaps, cars.
00:24:46Here we are.
00:24:49Oh, thanks.
00:24:50Literally save our bacon.
00:24:52Tom's crashed the car, Mum.
00:24:54And we promised to take Adam and Dracasta to the safari park tomorrow.
00:24:57I was wondering if you and Dad could take us.
00:24:59There's so many people.
00:25:00Yes, we'd love to normally, Linda.
00:25:01Yes, of course we will.
00:25:02But of course we will.
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Of course we will.
00:25:05That's what I said, of course we will.
00:25:07Of course we will.
00:25:30Look!
00:25:31Jack!
00:25:38Who's Mr. Savadiac?
00:25:47Isn't he marvellous?
00:25:48The cars are all moving around in herds and all the animals are parked.
00:25:53Oh, where's paper, boss?
00:25:58Look!
00:25:59Zebra crossing.
00:26:04I dump biggies.
00:26:08That's not the right way to say it, Adam.
00:26:10It's I've done biggies.
00:26:13Let them talk the way they want to, Mum.
00:26:15Well, they should be helped to speak correctly.
00:26:17They might want jobs for the BBC one day.
00:26:19Ladies from the BBC newsroom, it is all said, I've done biggies.
00:26:29Richard!
00:26:30If Dad feels like that, he should get it off his chest.
00:26:32Sorry, but why am I a bearded prick?
00:26:35You really want to know?
00:26:36Yes.
00:26:37Because you have a bright red open planned finished playpen,
00:26:39you put supposedly witty house adverts in the Cookham and Thames Ditton Chronicle,
00:26:43you brew your own parsnip and nettle wine,
00:26:45you smoke revolting pipes,
00:26:47you built a gothic stone folly in your garden,
00:26:49and you called your children Adam and Jo Castor
00:26:51and made them eat garlic bread the moment they were off their breasts.
00:26:58Not at all.
00:27:02Move on, darling.
00:27:03I'm not moving on until you start enjoying yourselves.
00:27:07All right, it's a failure.
00:27:08I'm a failure, everything I've planned's a failure,
00:27:10but we're here now and I'm not moving until you bloody well start enjoying yourselves.
00:27:17Shut up!
00:27:19Please, stop making this spectacle of us.
00:27:21Oh, it's your head you have to mention.
00:27:28Father, not in front of the children.
00:27:30They're not children, they're tiny adults.
00:27:32Well, not in front of the tiny adults, then.
00:27:34Please, darling, move on.
00:27:36I'm not until you start enjoying yourselves.
00:27:43We are enjoying ourselves.
00:27:45It's a marvel.
00:27:46Oh, all right.
00:27:50Blast! Bloody thing!
00:27:53Hate car, I hate bloody machines!
00:27:56I don't poopypops in my panties.
00:27:59I don't poopypops in my panties.
00:28:01Yes, I wonder if you really think that was a good idea.
00:28:05It's going to get a bit uncomfortable for you later on, you know.
00:28:08Not just for him.
00:28:11It was supposed to be an outing.
00:28:13I think, on reflection, the safari park wasn't a very good idea.
00:28:16Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, I think that's very helpful.
00:28:18Yes, it's hardly started yet.
00:28:20We've got plenty of time.
00:28:22Yes, that's very helpful. Yes, it's hardly started yet.
00:28:25We've got the monkeys on the roof to come yet,
00:28:27rubbing themselves against the aerial, doing their poopypops all over my pants.
00:28:31Look, lions.
00:28:32Oh, look at the nice lions.
00:28:34Please don't say that. Lions aren't nice.
00:28:36We want them to grow up to see reality as it is.
00:28:38Ah, but is it?
00:28:39Is what?
00:28:40Is reality as it is.
00:28:42Well, of course it is.
00:28:43Don't be absurd, Dad.
00:28:46Ah.
00:28:51Thank you, Sterling Moss.
00:28:55I've seen livelier lions in Trafalgar Square.
00:29:00Oh, God!
00:29:03Lions won't move, cars won't start.
00:29:06Hold that.
00:29:07Hell with it, I'm going out.
00:29:08Is that altogether wise?
00:29:10Look, the animals are all properly groomed.
00:29:12In any case, I am going out.
00:29:14All right?
00:29:15Into a world, blessedly, free of garlic and sweat and poopypops and everything.
00:29:21You can stick it in your pants, shall I?
00:29:23A load of garlic up your...
00:29:25And drown in your own little wine, all right?
00:29:28Reggie, come back!
00:29:44Ah!
00:29:55Oh.
00:29:57Sorry.
00:29:58It doesn't matter.
00:29:59I understand.
00:30:01What should you understand?
00:30:03I know how you feel.
00:30:05I understand.
00:30:06Oh.
00:30:07Oh, yeah!
00:30:12Morning, Dad.
00:30:13There it is.
00:30:14Right.
00:30:17Eleven minutes late, a defective junction box and you mauled him.
00:30:20Oh, don't that remind me.
00:30:21Colin Edmonds from Admin rang.
00:30:23You have the wrong kind of hat stand.
00:30:25Yours has four pegs.
00:30:26Sir?
00:30:27It seems you only have entitlement to a three-peg stand.
00:30:30Ah.
00:30:31Oh, my God, is this the beginning of the end?
00:30:33Food for an executive.
00:30:35I'm hanging naked for a minute.
00:30:36Hand of Big Ben.
00:30:37I've only three.
00:30:38Peg Manny cried.
00:30:40David Harris-Jones and Tony Webster are coming in any minute
00:30:43to discuss the trials and errors areas of exotic ices.
00:30:47Oh, my God, I haven't even worked out their areas yet.
00:30:50Quick, quick.
00:30:51John, maps, maps.
00:30:55Lancashire?
00:30:56It is Lancashire.
00:31:02Waste cable basket.
00:31:10That's Tony's area.
00:31:12Hard for sure.
00:31:17Handbag wheels.
00:31:30Right, that should do.
00:31:31That should be fine.
00:31:33Yes, right, come in.
00:31:34Ah, Tony, David, come in, come in.
00:31:36Just in time.
00:31:37Well, sit down there, sir.
00:31:38Well, we've chosen the areas for the new sales campaign.
00:31:41Here they are.
00:31:42Lancashire.
00:31:43Tony.
00:31:44David.
00:31:45Hertfordshire.
00:31:46Great.
00:31:47Super.
00:31:48Now, these areas have been selected.
00:31:53These areas have been chosen by the computer
00:31:55from information fed to it from our market research preliminary records.
00:31:59Right.
00:32:00Super.
00:32:01Oh, I see, yes.
00:32:02My area takes in all the new towns in a sort of way.
00:32:05My area takes in all the new towns in a sort of wedge,
00:32:08shaped like a giant handbag.
00:32:10That's it.
00:32:11Yes, that's it.
00:32:12Super.
00:32:13Um, just one point.
00:32:15Yes.
00:32:16Well, 20% of my area seems to be in the sea.
00:32:20Spotted it.
00:32:21Very good.
00:32:22Excellent area.
00:32:23Very, very sharp, yes.
00:32:24Yes, quite right.
00:32:25Lots and lots of trawlers,
00:32:26tankers, liners, plengers, submarines,
00:32:27Isle of Man ferries,
00:32:28whole new sales area breaking totally new ground.
00:32:30I see.
00:32:31That's great.
00:32:32Super.
00:32:33Good, that's it.
00:32:34Don't let the flask around your feet no time to waste.
00:32:36Correct.
00:32:37Super.
00:32:45What is it?
00:32:48It's an ice cream pagoda.
00:32:50Oh, my God.
00:32:53It's a symbol of the exotic ices project.
00:32:56Is it really?
00:32:57Oh, my God.
00:33:00CJ said that you can have half a dozen
00:33:02if you wanted some to give your friends.
00:33:03That settles it.
00:33:04Time to go home, Joan.
00:33:05Poet's Day.
00:33:07Poet's Day.
00:33:08Push off early tomorrow, Saturday.
00:33:11Joan, they still have not repaired that window.
00:33:13Would you get the 24-hour emergency maintenance service, please?
00:33:17Maintenance?
00:33:18I have Mr. Perrin.
00:33:2024-hour emergency maintenance service.
00:33:22Look, I've gone home.
00:33:24I see.
00:33:25Get Mr. Perrin that.
00:33:26Would you, Perrin?
00:33:27Yes, Mr. Perrin.
00:33:28Yes, yes.
00:33:30Joan, are you doing anything exciting this weekend, Joan?
00:33:34Well, I may go to the laundrette tomorrow.
00:33:37Don't go after Perrin here.
00:33:38Look, this window in my office has still not been repaired,
00:33:40and I absolutely...
00:33:41You'll do it tomorrow?
00:33:42Right, fine.
00:33:43That's all I want to know.
00:33:44Thank you, Mr. Perrin.
00:33:45Now, you see, Joan?
00:33:46A little firmness, a little authority.
00:33:50Are you doing anything exciting over the weekend, Joan?
00:33:53Well, you've just asked me that,
00:33:54and I said I was going to the laundrette.
00:33:57Are you doing anything exciting this weekend, Mr. Perrin?
00:34:00It's absolutely riveting, yes.
00:34:01I'm cleaning up the loft tomorrow,
00:34:03and on Sunday I'm going to visit my mother-in-law.
00:34:05So when I've done that,
00:34:07if I've got any energy left over,
00:34:08I may have a bit of a...
00:34:18You may have a bit of what?
00:34:20I may have a bit of a go at the garden.
00:34:23So your boyfriend isn't taking you anywhere exciting, then?
00:34:26I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, Mr. Perrin.
00:34:29I thought nothing of it.
00:34:30It's my chance at all.
00:34:31Come, let's ask him.
00:34:32Yes, you can.
00:34:33I'll phone.
00:34:34Pardon?
00:34:35I'll phone.
00:34:37Look, I think something may crop up this weekend, Joan,
00:34:40and if it... and when it does crop up,
00:34:42if it does crop up,
00:34:43I'll be in touch on the phone.
00:34:46On the phone.
00:35:07Hello, Joan, hello.
00:35:08Hi, I'm Reggie.
00:35:09Hello, Joan.
00:35:11Hello, Joan.
00:35:12Reggie here.
00:35:14Yes.
00:35:15You know, I said something might crop up this weekend.
00:35:17Well, it has cropped up.
00:35:19Unexpectedly.
00:35:20So I wonder if you could possibly come round tomorrow morning
00:35:23about 11 o'clock.
00:35:2511 o'clock tomorrow morning.
00:35:27Right, yes, you will be cooking your dinner, I suppose.
00:35:41Yes, I'm still hanging on.
00:35:44No, I'm sorry, I can't explain, but the...
00:35:46Suffice to say that the whole future of sunshine desserts is at stake,
00:35:49not to mention Reginald Iolanthe Perry.
00:35:52You'll come.
00:35:53Oh, good.
00:35:54Maurice, thank you.
00:35:55Good, Joan, I'll see you tomorrow.
00:36:07Bye, darling.
00:36:13Hello, Joan.
00:36:14Oh, Joan, come and sit.
00:36:15Sit down, Joan.
00:36:16Would you like a...
00:36:17Would you like a sherry while you're...
00:36:26Come in, Joan, and you sit down.
00:36:29Would you like a...
00:36:30Would you like a...
00:36:31A sherry...
00:36:32It's getting worse.
00:36:39Oh, my God, she's come.
00:36:43Oh, my God.
00:37:02Hello, Joan.
00:37:03Come in.
00:37:04Hello, sir.
00:37:09Won't you sit down?
00:37:11What's all this crisis about?
00:37:12Oh, you'll soon see.
00:37:13Won't you...
00:37:14Won't you...
00:37:16Won't you like a sherry while you're...
00:37:19Oh.
00:37:20Just a sherry.
00:37:21A sherry?
00:37:22Yeah, just a little one before we go upstairs.
00:37:24Oh, yes.
00:37:28Upstairs?
00:37:29Yeah, it's hot, isn't it?
00:37:30Oh, very.
00:37:31Yeah, it's a hot Sunday in summer.
00:37:33Sunday in summer.
00:37:34I don't know what all this is about, Mr. Perry,
00:37:36but I have come 20 miles.
00:37:37Can't we get straight down to it?
00:37:42We'll get down to it in a minute.
00:37:44Excuse me.
00:37:46Hello.
00:37:47Oh, hello.
00:37:48Yes, I'm getting along all right, thank you.
00:37:51No, no, I haven't had my dinner yet.
00:37:54Yes, of course.
00:37:55The pickle's on the shelf.
00:37:56Will you keep the pickle in the jar in my pickle jar?
00:37:59I'm not angry, darling.
00:38:00I just happen to know where the pickle...
00:38:02Darling, I'm not angry.
00:38:05No, no, not interested in anything.
00:38:06No, it's not a bad time to...
00:38:08Come on, come on.
00:38:11That was my wife.
00:38:12So I gathered.
00:38:13She's away for the day.
00:38:14The whole day.
00:38:17Yes, she's gone to see the hippopotamus.
00:38:22Gone to see her mother.
00:38:23She resembles a hippopotamus, yes.
00:38:25Gone to see Elizabeth, her mother,
00:38:26because Elizabeth doesn't resemble a hippopotamus at all.
00:38:28Is it more sherry?
00:38:29No, thank you.
00:38:30Certainly.
00:38:33Well, this is Jolly Nice, Joan.
00:38:35Yes.
00:38:36Yes, indeed.
00:38:38And isn't it...
00:38:41rather...
00:38:45It's hot, isn't it?
00:38:47Well, it hasn't got a lot hotter in the last minute.
00:38:49Yes, I know.
00:38:51I prefer the heat to the cold, don't you?
00:38:53I find it...
00:38:55Warmer?
00:38:56Yes.
00:38:58What is this crisis all about, Mr. Perry?
00:39:01There is no crisis, Joan.
00:39:03I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:39:04I'm sorry.
00:39:05I'm terribly sorry.
00:39:06I'm terribly sorry.
00:39:07I'm sorry.
00:39:09I shouldn't have asked you to come over today at all.
00:39:11Oh, why now, Reggie?
00:39:12Why, after all these years?
00:39:13Well, it certainly seems such a waste.
00:39:15I'm sorry.
00:39:16I shouldn't do something...
00:39:17Oh, my God.
00:39:21Dead answers.
00:39:22No, to hell with this.
00:39:24The rest.
00:39:25Yes, the rest.
00:39:26The world doesn't...
00:39:27I'd better have it make me some of it.
00:39:28Hello.
00:39:29Hello.
00:39:30Oh, hello, darling.
00:39:31No, I'm...
00:39:33No, I didn't think I rang off a...
00:39:38No, I've not been working too hard.
00:39:40Do I?
00:39:41Didn't think I sounded odd?
00:39:44Yes, I should be having it quite soon.
00:39:50Of course, I haven't forgot to ask about your mother.
00:39:52How's your mother?
00:39:53Oh, dear.
00:39:56Oh, dear.
00:39:58Oh, you know, dear, you know, dear.
00:40:00All right, well, give my mother your best drink.
00:40:02Your mother, my best drink.
00:40:04Your mother, my best drink.
00:40:07Where's my wife again?
00:40:11I thought when I kissed you, you'd be...
00:40:14Be outraged.
00:40:15Outraged.
00:40:16Scream the house down.
00:40:17Oh, no.
00:40:18Oh, I dreamt of this for eight years.
00:40:21Oh, good Lord.
00:40:24Good Lord, have you really?
00:40:26Oh, good Lord.
00:40:28What a nice house this is.
00:40:30Yes, it is quite...
00:40:31I bet there's a lovely view from upstairs.
00:40:33Yes, I bet there is.
00:40:34I mean, there is.
00:40:36I think the view would be...
00:40:38Would be best from the spare bedroom.
00:40:53I...
00:40:59I think the view would be better from over here through the window.
00:41:03Oh, Joe.
00:41:05Oh.
00:41:07Oh, thank you.
00:41:10There.
00:41:11There's a jolly nice button on your bed.
00:41:14Yes, they undo very easily, too.
00:41:17Oh, yes, so they do.
00:41:22My buttons undo pretty easily.
00:41:25Yes, they do.
00:41:27British buttons are pretty good on that.
00:41:30I think this wallpaper's quite nice, don't you?
00:41:33I can't go through with this.
00:41:34Yes, you can.
00:41:35No, you can't.
00:41:36Yes, you can.
00:41:37I'm sorry, I can't.
00:41:38You can't what?
00:41:39I can't go.
00:41:40I can't remember where we bought the wallpaper.
00:41:43Oh, come on, Reggie.
00:41:44Never mind about the wallpaper.
00:41:46It's to hell with the wallpaper.
00:41:47Who cares about the wallpaper?
00:41:48Oh, hell.
00:41:49Oh, damn.
00:41:50Oh, shit.
00:41:51Oh, just unlucky.
00:41:53Oh, damn, damn, damn.
00:41:57You'll have to answer it.
00:41:59No, no, but I bet I had it.
00:42:01It might be somebody.
00:42:08Hello, Mark.
00:42:09Hello, Peter Mildon.
00:42:10Not interrupting anything, am I?
00:42:12No, no, but I'm just having 40 winks.
00:42:16I'll join the bearded wonder brigade.
00:42:19Oh, it's hot, isn't it?
00:42:20Yes, it is.
00:42:21Do you want a beer?
00:42:22Oh, yeah, thanks, Dan.
00:42:23Oh, I see you've got another
00:42:25of Dr. Snurd's pictures of the Alba.
00:42:27Yes, yes, Alba Fair.
00:42:28Did you like it?
00:42:29Oh, lovely, awful.
00:42:30Yes, it is, isn't it?
00:42:31Yeah.
00:42:32Why are all your pictures painted by your dentist?
00:42:33Well, I keep buying them in case he stops giving me injections.
00:42:36Oh.
00:42:37That reminds me.
00:42:38I need my Ted seen too.
00:42:39Your Ted?
00:42:40Ted.
00:42:41Ted Heath.
00:42:42Teeth, huh?
00:42:43Oh, yes, yes.
00:42:44I can't keep up with this rhyming slang.
00:42:45No, no.
00:42:46Well, it's not all the gen Chitty Chitty.
00:42:47No, no.
00:42:48Chitty Chitty.
00:42:49Chitty Chitty.
00:42:50Bang, bang.
00:42:51Rhyming slang.
00:42:52Oh, yes.
00:42:53Your mother's gone away.
00:42:54Oh, yes.
00:42:55Oh, yes.
00:42:56Oh, yes.
00:42:57Oh, yes.
00:42:58Oh, yes.
00:42:59Oh, yes.
00:43:00Oh, yes.
00:43:01Oh, yes.
00:43:02Oh, yes.
00:43:03Oh, yes.
00:43:04Oh, yes.
00:43:05Oh, yes.
00:43:06Oh, yes.
00:43:07Oh, yes.
00:43:08Oh, yes.
00:43:09Oh, yes.
00:43:10Oh, yes.
00:43:11Oh, yes.
00:43:12Oh, yes.
00:43:13Oh, yes.
00:43:14Oh, yes.
00:43:15Oh, yes.
00:43:16Oh, yes.
00:43:17Oh, yes.
00:43:18Oh, yes.
00:43:19Oh, yes.
00:43:20Oh, yes.
00:43:21Oh, yes.
00:43:22Oh, yes.
00:43:23Oh, yes.
00:43:24Oh, yes.
00:43:25Oh, yes.
00:43:26Oh, yes.
00:43:27Oh, yes.
00:43:28Oh, yes.
00:43:29Oh, yes.
00:43:30Oh, yes.
00:43:31Oh, yes.
00:43:32Oh, yes.
00:43:33Oh, yes.
00:43:34Oh, yes.
00:43:35Oh, yes.
00:43:36Oh, yes.
00:43:37Oh, yes.
00:43:38Oh, yes.
00:43:39Oh, yes.
00:43:40Oh, yes.
00:43:41Oh, yes.
00:43:42Oh, yes.
00:43:43Oh, yes.
00:43:44Oh, yes.
00:43:45Oh, yes.
00:43:46Oh, yes.
00:43:47Oh, yes.
00:43:48Oh, yes.
00:43:49Oh, yes.
00:43:50Oh, yes.
00:43:51Oh, yes.
00:43:52Oh, yes.
00:43:53Oh, yes.
00:43:54Oh, yes.
00:43:55Oh, yes.
00:43:56Oh, yes.
00:43:57Oh, yes.
00:43:58Oh, yes.
00:43:59Oh, yes.
00:44:00Oh, yes.
00:44:01Oh, yes.
00:44:02Oh, yes.
00:44:03Oh, yes.
00:44:04Oh, yes.
00:44:05Oh, yes.
00:44:06Oh, yes.
00:44:07Oh, yes.
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00:48:00Oh, yes.
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00:48:15Oh, yes.
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00:48:19Oh, yes.
00:48:20Oh, yes.
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00:48:22Oh, yes.
00:48:23Oh, yes.
00:48:24Oh, yes.
00:48:25Oh, yes.
00:48:26Oh, yes.
00:48:27Oh, yes.
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00:48:30Oh, yes.
00:48:31Oh, yes.
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00:48:41Oh, yes.
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00:49:12Oh, yes.
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00:49:15Oh, yes.
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00:49:19Oh, yes.
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00:49:24Oh, yes.
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00:49:26Oh, yes.
00:49:27Oh, yes.
00:49:28Oh, yes.
00:49:29Oh, yes.
00:49:30Oh, yes.
00:49:31Oh, yes.
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00:49:33Oh, yes.
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00:49:41Oh, yes.
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00:49:45Oh, yes.
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00:49:51Oh, yes.
00:49:52Oh, yes.
00:49:53Oh, yes.
00:49:54Oh, yes.
00:49:55Oh, yes.
00:49:56Oh, yes.
00:49:57Oh, yes.
00:49:58Oh, yes.
00:49:59Oh, yes.
00:50:00Oh, yes.
00:50:01Oh, yes.
00:50:02Oh, yes.
00:50:03Oh, yes.
00:50:04Oh, yes.
00:50:05Oh, yes.
00:50:06Oh, yes.
00:50:07Oh, yes.
00:50:08Oh, yes.
00:50:09Oh, yes.
00:50:10Oh, yes.
00:50:11Oh, yes.
00:50:12Oh, yes.
00:50:13Oh, yes.
00:50:14Oh, yes.
00:50:15Oh, yes.
00:50:16Oh, yes.
00:50:17Oh, yes.
00:50:18Oh, yes.
00:50:19Oh, yes.
00:50:20Oh, yes.
00:50:21Oh, yes.
00:50:22Oh, yes.
00:50:23Oh, yes.
00:50:24Oh, yes.
00:50:25Oh, yes.
00:50:26Oh, yes.
00:50:27Oh, yes.
00:50:28Oh, yes.
00:50:29Oh, yes.
00:50:30Oh, yes.
00:50:31Oh, yes.
00:50:32Oh, yes.
00:50:33Oh, yes.
00:50:34Oh, yes.
00:50:35Oh, yes.
00:50:36Oh, yes.
00:50:37Oh, yes.
00:50:38Oh, yes.
00:50:39Oh, yes.
00:50:40Oh, yes.
00:50:41Oh, yes.
00:50:42Oh, yes.
00:50:43Oh, yes.
00:50:44Oh, yes.
00:50:45Oh, yes.
00:50:46Oh, yes.
00:50:47Oh, yes.
00:50:48Oh, yes.
00:50:49Oh, yes.
00:50:50Oh, yes.
00:50:51Oh, yes.
00:50:52Oh, yes.
00:50:53Oh, yes.
00:50:54Oh, yes.
00:50:55Oh, yes.
00:50:56Oh, yes.
00:50:57Oh, yes.
00:50:58Oh, yes.
00:50:59Oh, yes.
00:51:00Oh, yes.
00:51:01Oh, yes.
00:51:02Oh, yes.
00:51:03Oh, yes.
00:51:04Oh, yes.
00:51:05Oh, yes.
00:51:06Oh, yes.
00:51:07Oh, yes.
00:51:08Oh, yes.
00:51:09Oh, yes.
00:51:10Oh, yes.
00:51:11Oh, yes.
00:51:12Oh, yes.
00:51:13Oh, yes.
00:51:14Oh, yes.
00:51:15Oh, yes.
00:51:16Oh, yes.
00:51:17Oh, yes.
00:51:18Oh, yes.
00:51:19Oh, yes.
00:51:20Oh, yes.
00:51:21Oh, yes.
00:51:22Oh, yes.
00:51:23Oh, yes.
00:51:24Oh, yes.
00:51:25Oh, yes.
00:51:26Oh, yes.
00:51:27Oh, yes.
00:51:28Oh, yes.
00:51:29Oh, yes.
00:51:30Oh, yes.
00:51:31Oh, yes.
00:51:32Oh, yes.
00:51:33Oh, yes.
00:51:34Oh, yes.
00:51:35Oh, yes.
00:51:36Oh, yes.
00:51:37Oh, yes.
00:51:38Oh, yes.
00:51:39Oh, yes.
00:51:40Oh, yes.
00:51:41Oh, yes.
00:51:42Oh, yes.
00:51:43Oh, yes.
00:51:44Oh, yes.
00:51:45Oh, yes.
00:51:46Oh, yes.
00:51:47Oh, yes.
00:51:48Oh, yes.
00:51:49Oh, yes.
00:51:50Oh, yes.
00:51:51Oh, yes.
00:51:52Oh, yes.
00:51:53Oh, yes.
00:51:54Oh, yes.
00:51:55Oh, yes.
00:51:56Oh, yes.
00:51:57Oh, yes.
00:51:58Oh, yes.
00:51:59Oh, yes.
00:52:00Oh, yes.
00:52:01Oh, yes.
00:52:02Oh, yes.
00:52:03Oh, yes.
00:52:04Oh, yes.
00:52:05Oh, yes.
00:52:06Oh, yes.
00:52:07Oh, yes.
00:52:08I'll g Illustrator
00:52:09Oh, yes.
00:52:10Oh, yes.
00:52:11Oh, yes.
00:52:12Oh, yes.
00:52:13Oh, yes.
00:52:14Oh, yes.
00:52:15Oh, yes.
00:52:16Oh, yes.
00:52:17Oh, yes.
00:52:18Oh, yes.
00:52:19Oh, yes.
00:52:20Oh, yes.
00:52:21Oh, yes.
00:52:22Oh, yes.
00:52:23Yes.
00:52:23God, I can't sit looking at that damn thing all day.
00:52:24Oh, yes.
00:52:25Leslie Woodcock from Trifles Phone, he wants to see about this year's Sunshine Dessert
00:52:28Strollers' production.
00:52:29Oh, thank you very much, Ellen.
00:52:30Well, he said that he thought last year's Harold Pinter was a bit heavy, so they're
00:52:33These windows have still not been repaired.
00:52:35Get me the 24-hour emergency maintenance service, please.
00:52:37Hello. Maintenance. I have Mr Perrin for you.
00:52:4024-hour emergency maintenance service.
00:52:42Now, come in, yes.
00:52:44Mr Burlap, would you?
00:52:46Burlap, yes, Perrin here. Thank you.
00:52:48Did you, um...
00:52:50Did you get to the laundrette?
00:52:52Burlap, Perrin here.
00:52:54Look, look, these windows have still not been repaired.
00:52:56I'm... I'm sorry, Mr Burlap.
00:52:58I don't care if all your employees have got mumps.
00:53:01The point... we have.
00:53:05Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:53:07I hope it doesn't do any permanent damage to the...
00:53:11I'm sorry, Mr Burlap. I'm sorry.
00:53:13But I want somebody here this morning,
00:53:15and I absolutely insist that both of these windows
00:53:17are repaired before I leave this evening.
00:53:19Is that clearly understood? Thank you, Burlap.
00:53:21Now, you see, Joan, a bit of fairness, a bit of authority.
00:53:24Close your windows, Mr Perrin. There's only one broken.
00:53:27Oh, yes.
00:53:29Yes, well, we'll soon see about that, won't we?
00:53:47Morning, Perrin here.
00:53:49Oh, it's me, darling. How are you?
00:53:51Not too bad. Haven't slept a wink.
00:53:53Otherwise, fine.
00:53:55It's about Mother, isn't she?
00:53:58GROWLING
00:54:00Are you still there, Edgy?
00:54:02Yes, yes, still here, darling.
00:54:04She's not at all well.
00:54:06Oh, dear.
00:54:08GROWLING
00:54:10Are you still there, Edgy?
00:54:12Yes, still here, darling.
00:54:14But she's got to go into hospital.
00:54:16Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:54:18So I'll have to stay over another day.
00:54:20You'll have to cancel the dinner party and put the CJs off.
00:54:22Yes, I'll tell you what, darling.
00:54:24Shall I cancel the dinner party and put the CJs off?
00:54:26All right, bye-bye, darling. Take care, darling.
00:54:28Have a good day at the office.
00:54:30I won't.
00:54:32Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:54:34GROWLING
00:54:38Oh, shame.
00:54:52Do you need tissues, Edgy?
00:54:54Ursula's forgotten those.
00:54:56Oh, no, sorry, Peter, I haven't.
00:54:58You can use my Greater Manchester Development Plan supplement.
00:55:06GROWLING
00:55:10No, I will not put the CJs off.
00:55:12I'll have some fun instead.
00:55:14I will not cancel the dinner party.
00:55:16I'll just cancel the dinner.
00:55:18Dinner party without food is very good.
00:55:20Yes, yes.
00:55:22Dinner party without food. Excellent.
00:55:30Morning, John.
00:55:32Morning, Mr. Perkins.
00:55:34Ah, yes.
00:55:36Eleven minutes late.
00:55:38Overheated axle at Berrylands.
00:55:40Take a letter, would you?
00:55:42To the traffic manager of British Rail, Southern Region.
00:55:44Yes, sir.
00:55:46Despite my letter of Friday last...
00:55:48By the way, John, I'm giving a little dinner party tonight.
00:55:50Without food.
00:55:52At eight o'clock.
00:55:54Yes, I've already invited somebody.
00:55:56Would you invite for me David Harris-Jones
00:55:58and Davina Letts-Wilkinson
00:56:00from Custards.
00:56:02With her Custards.
00:56:04Oh, yes, my uncle, Percy Spillinger.
00:56:06Spillinger Towers, Abinghammer.
00:56:08He doesn't put the cat among the pigeons.
00:56:10I don't know who will.
00:56:12I shan't invite you, John, because I like you.
00:56:14Hello.
00:56:16Ah, yes, he is. C.J.
00:56:18Ah, morning, C.J.
00:56:20I want to see you, Reggie.
00:56:22Yes, certainly, C.J.
00:56:24Well, any time this morning will suit me best.
00:56:26Certainly, C.J.
00:56:28Seeing C.J. at 2.30 this afternoon.
00:56:38Come.
00:56:40Ah, Reggie, there you are.
00:56:42Sit down.
00:56:44Sorry, C.J.
00:56:46You're going places in this firm
00:56:48sooner than you think.
00:56:50Thank you, Davina. Thank you, Tony.
00:56:52Careful of the chairs.
00:56:54Thanks for the invite for tonight, Reggie.
00:56:56Gorgeous.
00:56:58Yes, now, Reggie,
00:57:00I want you to make a speech on Friday
00:57:02at the British Fruit Association
00:57:04seminar at Bilberry Hall.
00:57:06Oh, my God. Wonderful, C.J.
00:57:08Some fellow was going to talk
00:57:10on improvements in kitchen hygiene,
00:57:12but he's had to cry off with food poisoning.
00:57:16I want you to talk
00:57:18on the role of luxury desserts
00:57:20in a competitive industrial society.
00:57:22Oh, my God.
00:57:24Wonderful, C.J.
00:57:26I've decided on the title for your speech myself.
00:57:28Wonderful, C.J.
00:57:30Oh, my God.
00:57:32What? I'm sorry, C.J., I meant to say
00:57:34wonderful out loud and oh, my God to myself.
00:57:36I mean, oh, my God.
00:57:38The title of the speech is
00:57:40Are We Getting Our Just Desserts?
00:57:50Now, about your dinner party
00:57:52this evening, Reggie...
00:57:54Yes, Reggie.
00:57:56Reggie, Mrs. C.J. and I
00:57:58are looking forward to this evening immensely,
00:58:00but I must warn you that Mrs. C.J.
00:58:02doesn't see eye to eye with our piss-eyed friends.
00:58:04Fish?
00:58:06Yes, C.J., absolutely no fish.
00:58:08Absolutely no fish, no.
00:58:10No meat, nothing.
00:58:12I hope this doesn't upset any apple-carts.
00:58:14No, no apple-carts. No, sir, it doesn't upset anything, C.J., no.
00:58:16If you don't like something, you don't like it.
00:58:18A very shrewd observation, C.J.
00:58:20It's no use kicking against the pricks.
00:58:22No, C.J.
00:58:24Neither Mrs. C.J. nor I
00:58:26have ever kicked against the pricks.
00:58:28I imagine not, C.J.
00:58:30Send Harris-Jones in, will you?
00:58:32Goodbye, Reggie.
00:58:34Hello, Reggie.
00:58:36Not at all, please,
00:58:38with your present words.
00:58:40Sorry, C.J.
00:58:42Hello.
00:58:44Hi, Davina. Come on in.
00:58:46There we are.
00:58:48What a lovely dress, Davina.
00:58:50Shows off the best legs in the convenience foodstuffs industry.
00:58:54Thanks. What a gorgeous room.
00:58:56Your wife must be so clever.
00:58:58Please help yourselves.
00:59:00Thanks. Gorgeous.
00:59:02Five.
00:59:04Super. This is welcome.
00:59:06C.J. gave me a grilling today.
00:59:08C.J. is a pig.
00:59:10Who else is coming? C.J.
00:59:12Why didn't he tell me?
00:59:14Just like a man.
00:59:16This dress isn't C.J. at all.
00:59:18C.J. is the last person in the world I want to see.
00:59:20Hello, C.J. Nice to see you.
00:59:22Here we are.
00:59:24May I introduce everybody?
00:59:26C.J., Mrs. C.J.,
00:59:28oh, yes, you know each other.
00:59:30I'm C.J. from Custard,
00:59:32and David Harris Jones are my uncle.
00:59:34Percy's still in Jersey.
00:59:36We met in the drive.
00:59:38He nearly knocked me down.
00:59:40Oh, I say, what a lovely pair.
00:59:46I like the pictures. Are they Scotland?
00:59:48The Algarve.
00:59:50I didn't get where I am today without knowing the Algarve when I see it.
00:59:52Can I try, C.J.? I buy them from my dentist.
00:59:54I once bought six sets of false teeth
00:59:56from a mulatto greengrocer in Marrakesh.
00:59:58I thought I might meet a chap one day.
01:00:00Lost his choppers.
01:00:02They'd be worth their weight in gold.
01:00:04Yes.
01:00:06Well, this is nice.
01:00:08Yes, isn't it? Yes, looking forward to this, Reggie.
01:00:10Yes. No lunch today.
01:00:12Yes, and no dinner tonight.
01:00:14Yes, I always think the secret of a successful party
01:00:16is the right mix of people, don't you?
01:00:18I'm sorry Elizabeth can't be here.
01:00:20Her hippopotamus isn't well.
01:00:24Olive, Mrs. C.J.?
01:00:26No, no, thank you.
01:00:28I must leave room for what's to come.
01:00:30When it comes, if it comes.
01:00:34These little mats are nice.
01:00:36There's some kind of a bird on mine.
01:00:38Oh, green woodpecker.
01:00:40I once bought a stuffed woodpecker
01:00:42at Chipping Norchard.
01:00:44Yes, well I thought as it was such a lovely evening
01:00:46I thought the garden.
01:00:48Oh, the gut eating in the garden.
01:00:50Well done, Reggie.
01:00:52Shall we bring our drinks?
01:00:54Thank you.
01:00:56I'm so hungry I could eat.
01:01:04Lovely garden, Reggie.
01:01:06Somebody's got green fingers.
01:01:08Yes, yes, yes, indeed.
01:01:10Well, shall we go into the dining room?
01:01:12The dining room at last!
01:01:16This is the dining room.
01:01:18Supper, supper, supper.
01:01:20I thought you'd like to see it.
01:01:22Very nice.
01:01:24What a nice table.
01:01:26Yes, supper.
01:01:28Well, it certainly is a supper.
01:01:30It isn't, there isn't any.
01:01:32Yes, I might as well tell you I've invited you all round here
01:01:34and I'm not going to give you anything to eat.
01:01:36I think we live in a world where we're far too greedy
01:01:38and there isn't enough food to go round.
01:01:40What you would have had this evening would have been liver pâté,
01:01:42salmonella, guinea fowl and red wine,
01:01:44lemon meringue pie.
01:01:46Instead, I'm going to send a cheque for £20 to Oxfam.
01:01:48All right.
01:01:50What a gesture. Gorgeous.
01:01:52Yes, and you would have all had to invite me back
01:01:54so you can all send a cheque for £20 to Oxfam as well.
01:01:56Another drink, Kirstie?
01:01:58Oh, no, wait a minute.
01:02:00You read like a word, Reggie.
01:02:06Morning, Joan.
01:02:08Morning, Mr. Perry.
01:02:10Eleven minutes late, somebody's stolen the lines at Serpentham.
01:02:12Well, I think I'll clear my desk, Joan.
01:02:14Good idea. That shouldn't take long.
01:02:16No, it shouldn't.
01:02:22It didn't.
01:02:24Is that wise?
01:02:26No.
01:02:28How's your speech coming along, Mr. Perry?
01:02:30Fine, wonderful, Joan. Very good indeed. Thank you.
01:02:32Well, I'm sure you're going to give a wonderful performance.
01:02:34Yes, I am. It's going to be very good indeed.
01:02:36Not that anybody will listen to it, of course.
01:02:38I often have the impression they don't listen to a single word I say.
01:02:40In fact, I often wonder if my voice is actually audible to anyone except myself.
01:02:42Keep out!
01:02:44You see what I mean?
01:02:46Morning, David. Morning, Tony.
01:02:48I'm sorry I haven't got time to discuss the exotic ISIS project this morning.
01:02:50I have my speech to prepare.
01:02:52I have far more important things on my mind than mango delight,
01:02:54big surprise, strawberry and eerie gribble.
01:02:56All right? That's why we came.
01:02:58Just to wish you good luck for your speech.
01:03:00Not feeling nervous, I hope?
01:03:02No, not feeling nervous.
01:03:04Great. Super.
01:03:06Public terrors have no speaking for me.
01:03:08I have one or two important points to make.
01:03:10Great. Super.
01:03:12Sitting in the front row, lending moral support.
01:03:14Great. Super.
01:03:16Good luck, Reggie. Good luck.
01:03:18I'm sure you're going to give a wonderful speech, Mr. Perry.
01:03:20You could impress that lot standing on your head.
01:03:24And in conclusion, may I say...
01:03:28I don't think that would be a very good idea.
01:03:30Now, get lost!
01:03:34Morning, Reggie. Morning, Joan.
01:03:36Well, I just looked in to wish you luck with your speech.
01:03:38Oh, thank you, C.J.
01:03:40I have every confidence in you, every confidence.
01:03:42Will it be any good? I think I may cause a few surprises, C.J.
01:03:44Not too many, I hope.
01:03:46Just a little stimulus, nothing too extreme.
01:03:48There's no need to be nervous.
01:03:50I shall be sitting in the front row rooting for you.
01:03:52Oh, thank you, C.J.
01:03:54If you do feel nervous, just look down and you'll see my face.
01:03:56That's very thoughtful of you, C.J.
01:03:58Well, I won't waste any more of your valuable time.
01:04:00Right, C.J.
01:04:02Well, Reggie, nice office you have here.
01:04:04Yes, yes, yes, I've always had a soft spot for the gasworks
01:04:06and the marshalling yard, yes.
01:04:08Yes, my only regret is that the smog from the asbestos recycling plant
01:04:10does tend to obscure the aperture,
01:04:12but there we are.
01:04:14Yes.
01:04:16Well, now, where was I?
01:04:18You won't take up any more of my valuable time, C.J.
01:04:20Right, you can get on.
01:04:22Well, Joan, what's it like to have Reggie for a boss, eh?
01:04:24Incredible, C.J.
01:04:26There you are, Reggie, straight from the horse's mouth.
01:04:30I mustn't waste any more of your valuable time.
01:04:32Right, C.J.
01:04:34Well, good luck, Reggie.
01:04:36Earwig, C.J.
01:04:38Earwig?
01:04:40Sorry, thank you, C.J., I said earwig instead of thank you, sorry.
01:04:42Careful, Reggie.
01:04:44I didn't get where I am today by saying earwig instead of thank you.
01:04:46Sorry, just a slip of the parsnips.
01:04:48Make sure that sort of thing doesn't happen at Bilberry Hall.
01:04:50Parsnips?
01:04:52Sorry, that was another slip of the parsnips.
01:04:54Reggie, I hope I haven't made a mistake
01:04:56in getting you to make this speech.
01:04:58Of course not, C.J.
01:05:00It's a slip from me.
01:05:02Have a little champagne, not too much, just enough.
01:05:04I didn't get where I am today without having a little champagne, not too much, just enough.
01:05:06Hey, Joan!
01:05:08Certainly not, C.J.
01:05:10Yes, well, I won't waste any more of your valuable time.
01:05:12Right, C.J.
01:05:14I didn't get where I am today without being glad when C.J. leaves the room.
01:05:16Reggie!
01:05:18I have every confidence in you.
01:05:20We aren't one of those dreadful firms
01:05:22that believe a man's ideas are old-fashioned and out of date
01:05:24just because he's 46.
01:05:26Goodbye, Reggie.
01:05:28Reggie Perrin, sorry I'm late.
01:05:30Quite all right, sit you down.
01:05:32Thank you.
01:05:34My name's Hump, by the way.
01:05:36Oh, bad luck.
01:05:40Let me give you some wine.
01:05:42Dutch curry.
01:05:44Thank you.
01:05:46I'm lecturing the philosophy of fruit
01:05:48at the University of Budleigh-Salterton.
01:05:50Well, never mind.
01:05:52Don't drink too much.
01:05:54All right, darling, not a fool.
01:05:56May I introduce the chairman of the seminar,
01:05:58Mr. Elgin Watkins.
01:06:00Hi, Watkins, how are you?
01:06:02Mr. Watkins is chief scientific advisor
01:06:04to the Bridge End College of Pesticides.
01:06:08How ridiculous.
01:06:12We thought we'd lost you.
01:06:14Let me fill you up.
01:06:16Dutch curry.
01:06:18You missed a very interesting little talk
01:06:20from Dr. Hump this morning.
01:06:22He touched mainly on the role of fruit puddings
01:06:24in a competitive society.
01:06:28His thesis, in a nutshell,
01:06:30was that pudding should not be,
01:06:32indeed cannot be,
01:06:34less, or indeed more,
01:06:36competitive than the society
01:06:38for which, and indeed by which,
01:06:40they are produced.
01:06:42Now that is uninteresting.
01:06:46Somebody kicked me.
01:06:48It was me. Don't drink too much.
01:06:50All right, well, don't kick me, darling.
01:06:52Oh, me? No.
01:06:54Watkins.
01:06:56I'm looking forward to your talk.
01:06:58Oh, yes, all right.
01:07:02Welcome, welcome, welcome back.
01:07:04Now, if we can
01:07:06concentrate after our lunch.
01:07:10We come to what will undoubtedly be
01:07:12the high spot, the undoubted high spot
01:07:14of this afternoon's talk.
01:07:16I refer, of course, to none other
01:07:18than...
01:07:20To none other than...
01:07:24To none other than our first speaker
01:07:26this afternoon.
01:07:28He is indeed a household name to many of us.
01:07:30Indeed, if not more.
01:07:32And his subject this afternoon
01:07:34is...
01:07:36His subject...
01:07:38His subject...
01:07:40His subject is the subject
01:07:42for which he is a household name to many of us.
01:07:44If not more.
01:07:46In fact, he needs no introduction from me.
01:07:48So, here he is.
01:07:54Thank you.
01:07:56Thank you very much indeed.
01:07:58Thank you, Mr. Whatever-your-name-is.
01:08:02When my boss said to me,
01:08:04Reginald Ireland, prepare in your senior sales
01:08:06a week of sunshine desserts
01:08:08and a whole new seminar
01:08:10about fruit and instant puddings
01:08:12at Bilberry Hall, I want you to talk
01:08:14on how we're getting our just desserts,
01:08:16my first thought was,
01:08:18what a pathetic title for a talk.
01:08:22And I thought again.
01:08:24And my second thought was,
01:08:26what a pathetic title for a talk.
01:08:28Well, I've come here anyway
01:08:30because I have something very important to say to you.
01:08:34We are told that we need more gross.
01:08:36Six percent pure.
01:08:38Six percent pure.
01:08:40More chemicals
01:08:42to cure more pollution
01:08:44caused by more chemicals.
01:08:46More car parks for more tourists
01:08:48who want to get away. More car parks.
01:08:50This is rubbish.
01:08:52More rubbish.
01:08:54That's a very good point, Ham.
01:08:56More rubbish lying around everywhere.
01:08:58What has all this gross done for me?
01:09:00I'll tell you.
01:09:02One day I'll die
01:09:04and on my grave will say,
01:09:06lies Reginald Alancy Perrin.
01:09:08He didn't know the names of the trees and the flowers
01:09:10but he knew the rhubarb
01:09:12and crumbled sales figures for Schleswig-Holstein.
01:09:16Look at those trees.
01:09:18Beautiful.
01:09:20But soon they'll all be cut down
01:09:22to make more underground park-outs.
01:09:26I have got good news for you.
01:09:28They cost half the parking meters in London.
01:09:30I've got Dutch parking meter disease.
01:09:34I wish he'd stick to the point.
01:09:36I am today talking about Dutch parking meter disease.
01:09:38Ladies and gentlemen,
01:09:40in the audience here,
01:09:42my boss, a toothbrush.
01:09:44Let's have a big hand for CJ.
01:09:46That's enough.
01:09:48Ladies and gentlemen,
01:09:50as we become what we do,
01:09:52you show me a hero
01:09:54who makes form to tongues
01:09:56and I will show you a happy man
01:09:58who earns his living perforating lavatory paper.
01:10:02What do you believe in?
01:10:04I hear you ask.
01:10:06Do I hear you ask?
01:10:08I don't hear but I'll tell you anyway.
01:10:10I know that I don't know.
01:10:14I believe in not believing.
01:10:16You see, for every man who believes something,
01:10:18there's something who believes the opposite.
01:10:20What's the point?
01:10:24I think we've heard enough of this.
01:10:26But...
01:10:28But if...
01:10:30Get rid of it, what, CJ?
01:10:32Baldy Humphrey.
01:10:34You know, he's bald, don't you?
01:10:36He made a right cock up.
01:10:38He put pesticide on his hair,
01:10:40hair restorer on his plums,
01:10:42now he's as bald as a kook
01:10:44got a garden full of hairy plants.
01:10:46Win them back to my side.
01:10:48Anybody here from Canada?
01:10:50Anybody here from Australia?
01:10:52Tarpally? Anybody here from...
01:10:54Stand up those from Tarpally,
01:10:56shake hands with the person on the right.
01:10:58I didn't get where I am today
01:11:00shaking hands with the person on my right.
01:11:02I mean, what use is life
01:11:04if it isn't for those people who have to live it?
01:11:06Oh, now here he comes,
01:11:08old Baldy Humphrey.
01:11:10Lecturer in Applied Manure at the University of Steepleback.
01:11:14Thank you.
01:11:16Thank you for a very stimulating address.
01:11:18Go, Baldy!
01:11:20That should cause something to discuss.
01:11:24Thank you very much
01:11:26for a more stimulating address.
01:11:28Come!
01:11:30He didn't call you Baldy.
01:11:32I'm not bald.
01:11:50You're very depressed, aren't you?
01:11:52You didn't even wince when I crashed the gears.
01:11:54I had so much to say to them.
01:11:56We're nervous, that's all.
01:11:58I was drunk.
01:12:00I used the wrong words.
01:12:02I insulted Dr. Humph.
01:12:04I even asked
01:12:06if there was anyone there from Tarpally.
01:12:08There wasn't.
01:12:10Is that to be my life's message?
01:12:12Is there anybody there from Tarpally?
01:12:14Never mind, Reggie.
01:12:16I love you.
01:12:18Listen, I love you too, darling.
01:12:20I must just pop out to the gents.
01:12:22Bye, darling.
01:12:26Look after yourself, won't you?
01:12:28Take care.
01:12:30And try not to think too unkindly of me.
01:12:36Reggie!
01:12:38How long are you going to be?
01:12:40About a minute.
01:12:56I love you.
01:13:26Why not
01:13:28really
01:13:30end it all?
01:13:32Prove once and for all
01:13:34I'm not a fraud.
01:13:36Just walk out to sea
01:13:38with my hands
01:13:40raised above my head.
01:13:42Walk on
01:13:44until only the fingers are visible.
01:13:46The last defiant gesture
01:13:48to a hostile world.
01:13:50I'm not a fraud.
01:13:52I'm not a fraud.
01:13:54I'm not a fraud.
01:13:56Oh!
01:14:22Goodbye, Reggie's clothes.
01:14:24Goodbye, old Reggie.
01:14:26Hello, new life.
01:14:30I'm new town.
01:14:32New life.
01:14:34I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone.
01:14:36I am free.
01:14:40Yes, I think I'll be
01:14:42an Australian today.
01:14:44Excuse me, sport.
01:14:46Where's the nearest
01:14:48friggin' beer so I can get me a frosty?
01:14:50No,
01:14:52I don't think
01:14:54I'll be an Australian.
01:14:56I feel
01:14:58like being French today.
01:15:00Excuse me,
01:15:02mad Frenchman.
01:15:04Could you tell me where's a good hotel
01:15:06where I can get fine foods
01:15:08and fine wines?
01:15:10I could.
01:15:12Oh, you're a mountaineer as well, sir.
01:15:14Yes, that's right.
01:15:16Yes, mountaineer, explorer, cement tycoon,
01:15:18yes.
01:15:20Oh, God, what have I done?
01:15:22I'm all alone in the world now.
01:15:24No family,
01:15:26no friends.
01:15:28I want to see her.
01:15:30I love her.
01:15:32And I want to make sure she isn't seeing Henry Possett.
01:15:34Excuse me,
01:15:36are you looking for Mrs Perrin?
01:15:38Oh, aye, aye.
01:15:40I'm there.
01:15:42She's gone to Worthing. Her mother's in hospital.
01:15:44Thank you.
01:15:46Thank you.
01:15:48Thank you.
01:15:50Hello, my darling Elizabeth.
01:15:52I'm writing this to tell you that I am not dead,
01:15:54that I love you
01:15:56and always will.
01:15:58I know this will come as a great shock after ten weeks,
01:16:00but I simply have to write.
01:16:02My name is now Donald Potts and I am living in a bed sitter.
01:16:04It's horrible
01:16:06and I like it.
01:16:14Thank you.
01:16:44Thank you.
01:17:02Oh, my darling Elizabeth.
01:17:04We never talked enough or loved enough
01:17:06or lived enough.
01:17:08When did I last tell you that I love you,
01:17:10which I do so very much?
01:17:12I want you to know that I shall never see you again
01:17:14and I can't even send you this letter
01:17:18and that you'll never receive my best wishes
01:17:20for the future
01:17:22and how much I love you.
01:17:26Your ever-loving
01:17:28Reggie.
01:17:42Henry Possett?
01:17:44No! No!
01:17:46I must go back.
01:17:48I must.
01:17:50But how? How?
01:17:56Come on, come on.
01:17:58Hello.
01:18:00Don't be frightened.
01:18:12You don't recognize me, do you?
01:18:14No, I'm afraid I don't.
01:18:16Was I expecting you?
01:18:18No, definitely not.
01:18:20Most definitely not.
01:18:22Are you the man about the boiler?
01:18:24No, I'm...
01:18:26I'm not the man about the boiler.
01:18:28You aren't the Phantom of the Thames Valley?
01:18:30No, no, no.
01:18:32I'm not the Phantom of the Thames Valley either.
01:18:34How do you know my name?
01:18:36Prepare yourself for a shock.
01:18:38You won't faint, will you?
01:18:40Of course I won't faint.
01:18:42Who are you?
01:18:44Yes, darling, yes, it's me, Daddy.
01:18:46I didn't kill myself.
01:18:48And, uh,
01:18:50and that's about it, really.
01:18:52You really pretended to be all those people?
01:18:54Yes.
01:18:56You're really living in a room where the lights go off
01:18:58whenever the landlady watches BBC Two?
01:19:00You're really working at a sewage plant?
01:19:02Yes.
01:19:04You're really in it, aren't you?
01:19:06Yes.
01:19:08I'll go back to Mum.
01:19:10Yes, you think it'll be a shock for her?
01:19:12Well, I don't think she'll say,
01:19:14oh, you're not dead, have a cup of tea.
01:19:16No, I suppose not.
01:19:18Look, Linda, I was wondering if you could possibly break the news...
01:19:20Oh, Dad!
01:19:22No, I'm thinking of her.
01:19:24I'm not frightened to tell her,
01:19:26but I think it might be better coming from somebody else,
01:19:28preferably another woman.
01:19:30Do you think so?
01:19:32Yes.
01:19:34All right, Dad, I'll tell her.
01:19:36I've got some new prune wine we haven't tried yet.
01:19:38I'd rather celebrate.
01:19:42Dad, I think you'd better see this.
01:19:46Nude osteopath found in topless model's cupboard?
01:19:48No, no, no, here!
01:19:52There's shortly to be a memorial service
01:19:54for Klimthorpe man Reginald I. Perrin,
01:19:56who is presumed to have killed himself
01:19:58when his clothes were found recently
01:20:00on a beach in Dorset.
01:20:02Well, got back just in time, didn't I?
01:20:06You can't go to your own memorial service.
01:20:08Why not? I would have thought of all the people I've got a right to be there.
01:20:10Yes, but there won't be a service if everyone knows you're not dead.
01:20:12No, I suppose not.
01:20:14This is?
01:20:16Yes.
01:20:18Cheers.
01:20:20Cheers.
01:20:22Oh, yes, lovely.
01:20:24Yes, it is.
01:20:26Oh, come on, Dad, come with me into the kitchen.
01:20:28Oh, me tea's just...
01:20:30Hello, Mum, come in.
01:20:32Hello, Linda.
01:20:38I've got something to tell you, Mum.
01:20:40There's someone I want you to meet.
01:20:42Oh, that sounds intriguing.
01:20:44I've got some news for you, too.
01:20:46Prepare yourself for a shock, Mum.
01:20:48I'm going to be married.
01:20:50What?
01:20:54Don't look so shocked, Linda.
01:20:56It's only to Henry Possett.
01:20:58Oh, dear.
01:21:00Isn't that awful, saying only Henry Possett?
01:21:02Mum, you can't.
01:21:04Oh, dear, do you think it's too soon?
01:21:06We won't announce it for a long while yet.
01:21:28Hmm.
01:21:34Rather fun being at your own memorial service.
01:21:36Shouldn't really be here,
01:21:38but I can't help feeling very proud.
01:21:40Pretty poor turnout, though, isn't it?
01:21:44What on earth will the vicar find to say?
01:21:52Here are the gumboots you ordered, Madam.
01:21:58My somewhat unusual text
01:22:00is taken from a play
01:22:02in which Reggie's son, Mark,
01:22:04has just made his West End debut.
01:22:08Mark's part in the play
01:22:10was not a large one.
01:22:12He had just one line.
01:22:14Yes, you've guessed it.
01:22:16Here are the gumboots you ordered, Madam.
01:22:20I don't know what you're talking about,
01:22:22but I'm sure you've guessed it.
01:22:24Here are the gumboots you ordered, Madam.
01:22:28I didn't get where I am today
01:22:30going on and on about gumboots.
01:22:32Just one line, yet a vital line.
01:22:36For if the lady had not received
01:22:38the footwear in question,
01:22:40she would not have gone out
01:22:42into the farmyard mud that dark night.
01:22:44She would not have been
01:22:46ritually slaughtered
01:22:48by the maniacal cowman.
01:22:50And there would have been
01:22:52no play.
01:22:54Sorry, I must have...
01:22:56Sorry.
01:22:58I chose this text
01:23:00because I had
01:23:02a feeling that Reggie
01:23:04would have liked it.
01:23:06Reggie was a man
01:23:08with a taste for the unexpected.
01:23:10And I think he had
01:23:12an innate feeling
01:23:14for those on the periphery of life.
01:23:16The underdogs,
01:23:18the misfits,
01:23:20the backroom boys,
01:23:22the providers of life's
01:23:24actual and metaphorical
01:23:26gumboots.
01:23:28Reggie was a kindly man.
01:23:30And we offer
01:23:32our sympathy to his
01:23:34wife, Elizabeth.
01:23:38And we offer our sympathy
01:23:40to his daughter, Linda,
01:23:42and her fine young husband, Tom.
01:23:44Arrgh!
01:23:46Indeed,
01:23:48the whole family feel united
01:23:50today.
01:23:52They are all deeply moved.
01:24:00It would be presumptuous of me
01:24:02to speculate on the reasons
01:24:04for Reggie's tragic death.
01:24:06It may well be
01:24:08that the rat race
01:24:10had grown increasingly distasteful
01:24:12to this least rat-like
01:24:14men.
01:24:16Reggie was a
01:24:18kindly man.
01:24:20Were he here today,
01:24:22his sympathy would go out to that
01:24:24little bird that is flitting in fear
01:24:26across the vault of our lovely church.
01:24:32Let us also
01:24:34take comfort in our faith.
01:24:36There is a sense
01:24:38in which Reggie Perrin is not dead.
01:24:40He is in a very real
01:24:42and meaningful way here
01:24:44with us today in this very church
01:24:46at this very time.
01:24:50Let us all remember Reggie Perrin
01:24:52in silence.
01:24:58Quiet!
01:25:10Oh, I don't think I've...
01:25:12Oh, I was an old friend
01:25:14of Reggie's. Martin
01:25:16Wellborn. I lived in Brazil.
01:25:18We lost touch.
01:25:20Thank you so much for coming.
01:25:22I'm having a few people back to the house.
01:25:24Would you care to join us?
01:25:26Oh, thank you very much.
01:25:32Henry, this is Martin Wellborn,
01:25:34an old friend of Reggie's.
01:25:36I'm sure you two will get on like
01:25:38a house on fire.
01:25:40How do you do? It's like shaking hands
01:25:42with a warm mullet.
01:25:44Congratulations on your
01:25:46engagement, Mr. Posset. Oh, thank you.
01:25:48But please, Elizabeth
01:25:50and I are trying to keep it a secret.
01:25:52It wouldn't be seemly to announce it yet
01:25:54with Reggie still practically warm.
01:25:56No, not with Reggie still practically warm.
01:25:58I hadn't seen Reggie
01:26:00for 25 years, you know.
01:26:02I sequestered myself in Brazil
01:26:04following an amorous disappointment
01:26:06that you revealed.
01:26:08Let me introduce you to some people.
01:26:10This is Reggie's daughter, Linda,
01:26:12and her husband, Tom. An old friend of Reggie.
01:26:14Merlin Wishbone. Oh, good.
01:26:16Let me get you something to eat.
01:26:18Thank you. Nice to meet you, Mr. Wishbone.
01:26:20Or should I say, Daddy.
01:26:24Try one of these scampi concoctions.
01:26:28They're delicious. I think not.
01:26:30Reggie was a nice man,
01:26:32but he didn't like me
01:26:34very much for some reason.
01:26:36I don't think that's true. You weren't there.
01:26:38No, that's true.
01:26:42Oh, let me introduce you
01:26:44to Linda's uncle, Jimmy.
01:26:46Jimmy Anderson. This is an old friend
01:26:48of Reggie's from the Argentine,
01:26:50Melvin Washroom.
01:26:52I'm a voluble.
01:26:54Oh, thank you. I don't know that I like being
01:26:56sent on my way with scampi and chicken voluble.
01:26:58Jack hits the bucket.
01:27:00Everybody comes round. Nosh, nosh, gargle, gargle,
01:27:02rhubarb, rhubarb. Odd.
01:27:04Yes, it's very odd, yes.
01:27:06I've often wanted to know, what's it like in Peru
01:27:08in winter? Brazil.
01:27:10Really? It's like Brazil? No, no.
01:27:12I was in Brazil, not
01:27:14Peru. I'm sorry.
01:27:16Memory like a slip. Could have sworn Tom said Peru.
01:27:18No, Tom said the Argentine, but it was Brazil.
01:27:20Oh.
01:27:22What's it like in Brazil in the winter?
01:27:24Chilly.
01:27:28You must meet
01:27:30Reggie's son, Mark. Mark?
01:27:32He's an old friend of your father's
01:27:34from Brazil, Melvin Winscreen.
01:27:36Oh, hello.
01:27:38Stupid sermon.
01:27:40I rather liked it.
01:27:42How's the play going? Oh, it closed on Saturday.
01:27:44Oh. You're out of work, then?
01:27:46No, I wish I was. No, I'm doing
01:27:48experimental German mind play in a converted railway
01:27:50shed in Kentish Town. It's very good, very
01:27:52breathy. It's called
01:27:54Can Egbert Pumpernickel Reach True
01:27:56Maturity and Defeat the Great Plague of the Walking
01:27:58Sticks.
01:28:00Do you play Egbert Pumpernickel? No, I play a rolled umbrella.
01:28:04Your father
01:28:06was an awfully nice chap, I always thought.
01:28:08Well, yes, I suppose he was, come to think
01:28:10of it. Yes, I suppose he was,
01:28:12come to think of it. What about when they made Reggie Perry
01:28:14and they threw away the mould?
01:28:16Can I get you another kitchen? Kitchen?
01:28:18Kitchen sink, drink, send the old painter off with a bit of
01:28:20a booze-up. Thank you, yes, yes.
01:28:22Send the old painter off with a bit of a booze-up.
01:28:24I
01:28:26thought so.
01:28:28Martin, well-born indeed.
01:28:34Oh, C.J., I don't think you've
01:28:36met a friend of Dad's from Brazil,
01:28:38Melville Windpipe.
01:28:40How do you do?
01:28:42I was Reggie's boss.
01:28:44Any friend of Reggie Perry is a friend of mine.
01:28:46When they made Reggie Perry
01:28:48and they threw away the mould.
01:28:50But I don't want to hear it from you.
01:28:52Nice to meet you, C.J.
01:28:54Odd sermon, that, eh,
01:28:56Windpipe? I think that fellow must have
01:28:58spent his life indulging in gumboot
01:29:00diplomacy, eh?
01:29:02Oh, my God, he's cracking jokes
01:29:04now, isn't he?
01:29:06So you were in Venezuela?
01:29:08Brazil. Same thing.
01:29:10I didn't get where I am today by knowing the
01:29:12difference between one foreign country and another.
01:29:14Excuse me, I must rescue
01:29:16Mrs. C.J. She finds company difficult.
01:29:18Yes.
01:29:20Oh.
01:29:22You know, you remind
01:29:24me of Reggie.
01:29:26Take away that beard and you'll be very similar.
01:29:28By Jove, see it now?
01:29:30Yes. Yes, a lot
01:29:32of people often used to say that. In fact, they used to
01:29:34call us the Terrible Twins. Yeah, you look a bit older,
01:29:36of course. Well, not older. Exactly, more
01:29:38less young. No, we were the same
01:29:40age, as a matter of fact, yes.
01:29:42Yes, my appearance is the result of
01:29:44the Brazilian climate.
01:29:46Yeah, tricky plight of the climate.
01:29:48One of these foreigners are all a bit bonkers.
01:29:50Yes, I'd be a bit bonkers if I lived in Helsinki
01:29:52or Dakar.
01:29:54Are they looking after you all right, Mr. Welborne?
01:29:56It must be very difficult not knowing it.
01:29:58Yes, it must. I mean, yes, it is.
01:30:00I think I'd better be
01:30:02on my way now, Mrs. Perrin, if you'll excuse me.
01:30:04Goodbye. Goodbye, Robin.
01:30:06Goodbye, Mr. Perrin.
01:30:08May I say, Mrs. Perrin,
01:30:10you're exactly as I'd imagined you.
01:30:12Oh, thank you.
01:30:14Mr. Welborne? Yes?
01:30:16Perhaps I could take you for a drive one day.
01:30:18Show you a little of the English
01:30:20countryside. Oh.
01:30:22Thank you.
01:30:36Would you like that? I'm sorry?
01:30:38Well, if the idea doesn't bore you.
01:30:40No, not at all, Mrs. Perrin.
01:30:42The idea doesn't bore me at all, Mrs. Perrin.
01:30:44I'm looking forward to hearing about Brazil.
01:30:46What?
01:30:48You must know it so well.
01:30:50Yes, yes.
01:30:52And Brazil is the largest country
01:30:54in Latin America and the fifth largest
01:30:56in the world, comprising
01:30:583,287,195 square miles.
01:31:02The great lowlands
01:31:04of the Amazon basin.
01:31:06The vast plateau in the highlands
01:31:08to the south of the Amazon.
01:31:10The basin of the Parona
01:31:12in the south, the coastal plains
01:31:14in the east. Your knowledge
01:31:16of it all is almost
01:31:18inciting pity.
01:31:20It's all so different here.
01:31:22I've enjoyed
01:31:24today the
01:31:26English countryside.
01:31:28The sun burning
01:31:30broken bottles in the hedges.
01:31:32Glinting
01:31:34on upturned prams
01:31:36in village ponds. Shining
01:31:38with a silvery sheen on
01:31:40the bellies of poisoned fish
01:31:42in the canal.
01:31:44Clashing off notices saying
01:31:46War Department. Keep
01:31:48out.
01:31:52It's all changed,
01:31:54Elizabeth.
01:31:56And yet, to me, it's still
01:31:58quite simply
01:32:00home.
01:32:02I've enjoyed
01:32:04it too.
01:32:06It's almost like being with Reggie again.
01:32:10This is nice.
01:32:12Yes.
01:32:14Tell me, Elizabeth,
01:32:16wouldn't
01:32:18Henry Posset be upset if he
01:32:20knew I was here like this?
01:32:22I've broken it off
01:32:24with Henry Posset, Martin.
01:32:26Oh, have you?
01:32:28Is there any
01:32:30particular reason
01:32:32why you're here?
01:32:34Well, it's just
01:32:36that I've been
01:32:38Is there any
01:32:40particular reason for breaking it off with Henry Posset?
01:32:42I suppose the reason
01:32:44was you, Martin.
01:32:48I see.
01:32:52Well, thank you.
01:32:54Do you know,
01:32:56you just sit like Reggie with your feet
01:32:58straight out in front of you like that.
01:33:02I really...
01:33:04But he always sat at the other end of the
01:33:06sateen. Oh, did he? That is an amazing coincidence.
01:33:08Yes, yes. Mind you, I'm not surprised.
01:33:10When we shared rooms together,
01:33:12he always used to...
01:33:14Did he tell you we shared rooms together?
01:33:16No. No? Oh, that's odd.
01:33:18Because we did. We shared rooms together.
01:33:20And in those days,
01:33:22we always used to sit at opposite ends of the sateen
01:33:24from each other.
01:33:26Just as well, really. Otherwise,
01:33:28we'd have been sitting on top of each other.
01:33:30Was Reggie
01:33:32a sort of restless sort of chap?
01:33:34Did he walk around the room a lot?
01:33:36Not much. No, not like me,
01:33:38because I do a lot of restless walking around the room.
01:33:40Yes.
01:33:42Darling,
01:33:44I don't want to criticise Reggie's taste
01:33:46in any way, but I must say I'm not over-enamoured
01:33:48with his paintings of the Algarve.
01:33:50It's amazing, isn't it, that you've lived in Brazil
01:33:52for so long, but you still recognise
01:33:54the Algarve.
01:33:58Yes, yes.
01:34:00There is a reason for that, Elizabeth.
01:34:02There was a letter from Reggie
01:34:04in which he said...
01:34:06I think I can remember
01:34:08almost his exact words.
01:34:10I've just bought another awful painting of the Algarve
01:34:12painted by my
01:34:14doctor. Dentist.
01:34:16Dentist. That's it, dentist.
01:34:18Yes, that's it.
01:34:20Did he tell you where the lavatory was as well?
01:34:24What?
01:34:26Well, just now, when you went to the lavatory,
01:34:28you seemed to know where it was.
01:34:32Yes, yes, yes, he did.
01:34:34I think it was the same letter.
01:34:36It may have been another letter. I'm not absolutely sure.
01:34:38He said, I must stop writing now.
01:34:40Martin, I've got to go to the loo,
01:34:42which incidentally is at the top of the stairs.
01:34:46He seemed
01:34:48obsessed with letting me know the layout of the whole house.
01:34:50Perhaps he was short of news.
01:34:52Yes, he probably is.
01:34:54Ah.
01:34:56Ah.
01:35:00Why don't you sit here?
01:35:04What is it like?
01:35:06It's just like the old days.
01:35:08Just like old...
01:35:10having old Reggie, is it?
01:35:12For you, is it?
01:35:14You know, I don't feel a bit guilty about Henry Possett.
01:35:16But I do feel
01:35:18guilty about Reggie.
01:35:20No, no, no, you mustn't. He wouldn't mind.
01:35:22Of course I can't, but I'm sure
01:35:24I'm sure he wouldn't.
01:35:26Let me tell you this, Elizabeth.
01:35:28If I were Reggie,
01:35:30which of course I'm not, and I were standing
01:35:32in this room at this very moment, I think
01:35:34I think I'd be very proud
01:35:36to see how much you had loved him.
01:35:38Yes, I did love him.
01:35:40And now I love you, Martin.
01:35:42Oh, dear.
01:35:44No, of course not, darling.
01:35:46Elizabeth.
01:35:48Yes?
01:35:52Will you marry me?
01:35:54But you can't marry Mum, Dad.
01:35:56It'd be bigamy.
01:35:58It can't be bigamy. I've said it a couple of times.
01:36:00Yes, but Mum doesn't know that.
01:36:02It's bigamy as far as she's concerned.
01:36:04It isn't bigamy as far as anybody's concerned.
01:36:06Look, Mum will find out it's you.
01:36:08You can't hide that sort of thing from your own wife.
01:36:10I must say, I think you're behaving very irresponsibly.
01:36:12What about your mother?
01:36:14She shouldn't be falling in love with me so soon after my death.
01:36:18It's very flattering, but it is a bit of an insult.
01:36:20What will you do for money?
01:36:22I'll get a job.
01:36:24And if I don't, I'll live off your mother. I'll let her enough.
01:36:26Haven't you any pride?
01:36:28Look, darling, it's my money.
01:36:30I earned it.
01:36:32Now listen, Linda, look, seriously, darling, look.
01:36:34Things weren't working out properly.
01:36:36This way they may.
01:36:38Why don't you wish me luck?
01:36:40I do, Dad.
01:36:42I do.
01:36:44Thanks.
01:36:46You've certainly led a very varied and exciting life.
01:36:48Yes, thank you, darling.
01:36:50You know, you haven't told me anything at all about your parents, Martin.
01:36:56Oh, my God.
01:37:00It's not easy for me to talk about them, darling.
01:37:02Try.
01:37:04Yes, yes, I'll try.
01:37:06My father,
01:37:08my father was an anthropologist.
01:37:10He was killed in Turkey.
01:37:12And
01:37:14his mule was struck by lightning
01:37:16in the Garden of Eden.
01:37:18How dreadful.
01:37:20Yes.
01:37:22And when my mother heard the news,
01:37:24she fainted and broke her neck.
01:37:28How can you break your neck
01:37:30fainting?
01:37:36She was standing on the top of the
01:37:38parapet.
01:37:42Why do you never speak of them?
01:37:44We quarrel, you see, darling.
01:37:46I didn't speak to my parents for eight years.
01:37:48Awful. Did you make it up?
01:37:50Yes, yes, I made it.
01:37:52Yes, I made it all up.
01:37:56Did you ever have
01:37:58other women?
01:38:00There was only one, darling.
01:38:02She was the daughter of an
01:38:04osteopath in Harrogate.
01:38:06She was
01:38:08sucked down before my very eyes in the mangrove
01:38:10swamps of the Amazon rainforest.
01:38:12You had your share
01:38:14of tragedies. Yes, one soldier's arm,
01:38:16darling. Do you have any
01:38:18pictures of any of them? No, no.
01:38:20None at all. No pictures, no family trophies of any
01:38:22kind. No, absolutely none.
01:38:24No, they were all burnt in a gas mains
01:38:26explosion in Chortlecombe Harding.
01:38:30Tragedies all over the world.
01:38:32Where did you say your father
01:38:34was killed? Yes.
01:38:36Where did I say that?
01:38:40I find it very
01:38:42painful to keep going over this if you don't mind.
01:38:44Yes, try to forget.
01:38:46Yes, I've forgotten it already, darling.
01:38:48One look at you and it's gone right out of my head.
01:38:50It's as though none of it
01:38:52had ever happened. Would you be happy
01:38:54to live here? Oh, yes, darling, yes.
01:38:56In a funny way, you know, Reggie's
01:38:58taste and mine are very similar.
01:39:00Yes, you're alike in so many ways.
01:39:02Are we? Are we really?
01:39:04And yet, deep down, you're very different.
01:39:06Oh, how do you know?
01:39:08Well, an intuition.
01:39:10I think we're probably more alike than you think.
01:39:12I'm sorry, darling, I think I know...
01:39:14I won't argue, darling.
01:39:16Why should I argue?
01:39:18Lovely wife, lovely new home.
01:39:20All I need
01:39:22now is a job. Oh, yes,
01:39:24I meant to tell you. I've heard about a job
01:39:26that might suit you.
01:39:28Come in.
01:39:30Ah, nice to see you,
01:39:32Mr. Windpipe.
01:39:34Ah,
01:39:36new chairs, I see. Yeah. How do you know?
01:39:38Uh, no, I didn't know.
01:39:40They just look new.
01:39:42You're right. Very observant.
01:39:44The old ones used to make an embarrassing noise. Do sit down.
01:39:46No, thank you very much.
01:39:50That's rich.
01:39:52I get new chairs because of the noise. They make the same noise
01:39:54in the old days. That would have made me very angry.
01:39:56Not anymore. Life's too short. I'm going to come straight to the point.
01:39:58Cigar? No, thank you, sir.
01:40:00I could have sworn your name was Windpipe.
01:40:02No, that was a mistake, sir. Good.
01:40:04Splendid. Glad to hear it. Where was I?
01:40:06You were coming straight to the point, Cedric.
01:40:08I like you, Melvin.
01:40:10I like the fact that you come from Mexico.
01:40:12Untruthful preconceptions
01:40:14about British industry.
01:40:16Are you sure your name wasn't
01:40:18Windpipe? Absolutely, Cedric.
01:40:20I've got a job for you. Well, that's very
01:40:22nice of you, Cedric, but I'm not very keen
01:40:24on the grind of office life. I have rather tried
01:40:26to escape from that. No, no, no. Nothing like that.
01:40:28I know what you mean. There's not much fun, you know,
01:40:30in a job like mine. You amaze me.
01:40:32I didn't get where I am today
01:40:34without knowing there's no fun in
01:40:36getting where I am today.
01:40:38Let me tell you this, Melvin.
01:40:40My overall sales last month across the whole spectrum
01:40:42were down 0.3%. Ah, as usual.
01:40:44What?
01:40:46Is that usual?
01:40:48I'm very sorry to hear it. Oh, I couldn't care less
01:40:50myself. What's business all about? Profits?
01:40:52Don't you believe it? Products. Well, another one.
01:40:54Happiness.
01:40:58I'm setting up a foundation
01:41:00to make the employees happy.
01:41:02Ah, how will you do that?
01:41:04How will you do it, you mean, since you're going to run it?
01:41:06Do you know who opened
01:41:08my eyes to all this? Reggie Perry?
01:41:10Right! Good God.
01:41:12Now, would you please
01:41:14send her in, Marian dear,
01:41:16if it's not too much trouble? I want you to meet your secretary.
01:41:18Oh, thank you, Cedric. Hmm, wonder who I'll get.
01:41:20It'll be rather fun having a new secretary.
01:41:22It's the same secretary.
01:41:24Melvin, I want you to meet Joan Greengrass.
01:41:26Joan, this is your new boss,
01:41:28Melvin Washday. Hello.
01:41:30It's Martin Wellborn, actually.
01:41:32Do sit down.
01:41:38I hope I enjoy
01:41:40working for you as much as I enjoyed working
01:41:42for Mr. Perry. Oh, thank you.
01:41:44You enjoyed working for Mr. Perry, did you?
01:41:46Oh, very much. I only hope you
01:41:48find me satisfactory.
01:41:52I'm sure I am, sir.
01:41:54I'll find you very satisfactory.
01:41:56Good, good. I'm sorry to bother you again,
01:41:58Marian dear, but could you send him in?
01:42:00Your departmental head.
01:42:02You will be entirely independent,
01:42:04but you will, of course, be responsible to him. I see.
01:42:06I think.
01:42:08Now, Tony, come on in.
01:42:10Now, let me introduce Mr. Martin Wellborn.
01:42:12Great. Nice to meet you.
01:42:14New chairs, Tony. Great.
01:42:16Do sit down.
01:42:18Sit down.
01:42:22I think I preferred him the way he was before.
01:42:24Now, Tony, will you fill Melvin in
01:42:26with our plans? Thank you, CJ.
01:42:28We're setting up a foundation to make
01:42:30the employees happy. There have been
01:42:32some terrible mistakes. There was a disastrous
01:42:34scheme to sell exotic ices.
01:42:36It's ludicrous. People got
01:42:38depressed. Oh, Reggie.
01:42:42I'm sorry.
01:42:44I'm all right now.
01:42:46You sure are.
01:42:48Tell me, CJ,
01:42:50have we found a name for the foundation?
01:42:52I didn't get where I am today without
01:42:54naming it the Reginald Perrin
01:42:56Memorial Foundation.
01:42:58Great. Super.
01:43:06Now, I'd just like to say a few words.
01:43:08As you all know, we're gathered here today
01:43:10because I have decided
01:43:12Oh, dear.
01:43:14What am I saying? I'll get into trouble.
01:43:16Martin and I have decided
01:43:18Come here, Martin. He's shy.
01:43:20You know, I think
01:43:22Martin's very brave to marry me.
01:43:24He's very brave to marry into
01:43:26all of you lot. And he hasn't
01:43:28even met my mother yet.
01:43:34You all know Martin. He was a friend
01:43:36of Reggie's. And I'm sure
01:43:38if Reggie was alive today,
01:43:40he'd be glad.
01:43:42No, because if Reggie was alive, I wouldn't be able to
01:43:44Oh, dear. What am I saying?
01:43:46Let's all have a drink.
01:43:48Bravo.
01:43:50Here we are, Father.
01:43:52Bravo.
01:43:54To your true father.
01:43:56Yes. Yes. Half the battle's won.
01:44:00The other half could prove stickier.
01:44:02Yes. Storm came hoisting.
01:44:04Yes, quite.
01:44:06Do you mind if I join you, Mark?
01:44:08No, no, no.
01:44:10Cheers.
01:44:12Look, Martin, this is no skin off my nose, right?
01:44:14But I think you ought to know this.
01:44:16She's marrying you to relive her life
01:44:18with Father. I mean, you know,
01:44:20it's just a word of advice.
01:44:22Thank you.
01:44:24Yes, well, I suppose I'd better be going.
01:44:28No, really, no. I must scarf up.
01:44:30Oh, stardom course. Didn't I tell you? I've got a part in a new film.
01:44:32I play a man who's been turned into
01:44:34a pig by a mad scientist.
01:44:36If you want to go home and learn me grunts, I'll see you.
01:44:40I'm going to go make some coffee. Will you help me?
01:44:42Oh, I'll make it, Squirtlebones. I love making coffee.
01:44:44I'm a coffee person.
01:44:46Mum and I'll make it. Won't we, Mum?
01:44:48Oh, I see.
01:44:50Chinwag time. Planning something secretly.
01:44:52Well, off you go. No one's noticed a thing, have we, Martin?
01:44:54No. No, we haven't
01:44:56noticed a thing, Jimmy.
01:44:58All right, Linda. What is it?
01:45:00Surely you know what it is.
01:45:02You must have realised, Mum.
01:45:04About Martin. What about him?
01:45:06He's not what he seems.
01:45:08Do you mean he has a past? How thrilling.
01:45:10I knew straight away. I can't see...
01:45:12Oh, what is it? Did he have five wives?
01:45:14Oh, don't be silly, Mum.
01:45:16Oh, he's not Martin Borman, is he?
01:45:18No.
01:45:20He's not Martin Wellborn, either.
01:45:22Mum?
01:45:24He's Dad.
01:45:26He's Reggie. Oh, yes, I knew that.
01:45:30Well, you can fool some of the people
01:45:32some of the time. You can even fool all the people
01:45:34all the time. But you can't fool a wife.
01:45:36Well, I do think you might have told them all
01:45:38before tonight. Oh, I'm not going to tell them tonight.
01:45:40Well, when are you going to tell them, then? I'm not.
01:45:42Never. Never?
01:45:44But you've got to. Linda,
01:45:46Reggie wasn't very happy as Reggie.
01:45:48He seems much happier
01:45:50as Martin Wellborn.
01:45:52But it's a lie. I know, but it's fun, isn't it?
01:45:54Mum!
01:45:56Oh, you look so shocked.
01:45:58Why are children always so boringly strict
01:46:00about their parents?
01:46:02What do you do me out of my wedding day?
01:46:04My second honeymoon?
01:46:06Come on. Bring that earwig in.
01:46:08Earwig?
01:46:10Trey? Earwig?
01:46:12Perrin? Wellborn?
01:46:14What does it matter what we call things?
01:46:16Come on.
01:46:18Here we are.
01:46:20Everything all right? Yes.
01:46:22Oh, good. As I say, this is jolly nice.
01:46:24I really feel as though I've known you all such a long time.
01:46:26Do you really, dear? How nice.
01:46:28That's what it's all about, people.
01:46:30I'm a person.
01:46:32Of course you are.
01:46:34I don't bother with the coffee. Let's have some more champagne.
01:46:36Oh, I've got a better idea.
01:46:38I've got a bottle of fig wine in the boot.
01:46:40He's got a better idea.
01:46:42He's got a bottle of fig wine in the boot.
01:46:44Tom, you've forgotten the keys.
01:46:46Oh, he's such a forgetfulness person.
01:46:48Uncle Jimmy.
01:46:52Oh.
01:46:54Excuse me.
01:46:56Smallest room.
01:46:58Must be the bottle of fig wine.
01:47:00Funny chap, Johnny Psychology.
01:47:06Hello.
01:47:08Hello.
01:47:10I was just thinking, darling,
01:47:12we could go over and see your mother this weekend, if you like.
01:47:14Yes. Yes, that'd be nice.
01:47:22Is everything all right, darling?
01:47:24Oh, yes.
01:47:26I've never felt righter.
01:47:28Oh.
01:47:30Martin. Yes, darling?
01:47:32I've completely forgotten
01:47:34Reggie ever existed.
01:47:38Good.
01:47:40Good.
01:47:44Good.
01:47:54Good.
01:48:24APPLAUSE