deaddogsmoking
  • 6 months ago
First broadcast 1st November 2010.

Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

Louise Minchin
Arlene Phillips
Jack Whitehall
Jermaine Jackson
Kelly Holmes

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Ask Rod Gilbert, our special guests are, she's not here to judge, it's Arlene
00:29Phillips, and five-star stand-up Jack Whitehall. They're here every week. You can answer the
00:37unanswerable. It's Greg Davies, and it's Rod's flatmate Lloyd. Ladies and gentlemen, Ask
00:45Rod Gilbert. Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find
00:56answers to the questions that keep us all awake at night. Some questions go to the heart
01:00of who we are as human beings, such as, when I go and buy a newspaper, why does the person
01:05on the till try and flog me a massive family bar of chocolate for a pound? It's happening
01:11more and more. A newspaper? That'll be 70 pence, sir. Do you want this massive bar of
01:15chocolate for a pound? No, I don't. Who are you? Some kind of recession hit Willy Wonka?
01:20You lost the chocolate factory in the downturn, got a job in a newsagent, now you're trying
01:24to get a shot of as much of the liquidated stock as possible? You don't get this happening
01:28in other places, do you? Other people don't try and shift irrelevant stuff onto you for
01:31no reason. Do you take this woman to be your wife? You do? Brilliant, how about a George
01:35Foreman grill for 20 quid? Nurse, pass me the scalpel. Certainly, doctor, before I do,
01:40can I interest you in this set of T-file non-stick pans? Stop offering us irrelevant rubbish
01:46or we'll start doing it back to you. Next time you're buying a paper and someone asks
01:49you if you want a massive bar of chocolate for a pound, say no thanks. Why? Do you want
01:53a dead seagull? No? How about a naked picture of my auntie? Do you want that? Do you? How
01:58about a nice bowl of shreddies? Do you want a nice bowl of shreddies? Is it? What about
02:02a panini sticker of David Ginola? No? You don't want that? Well, that is a shame. It
02:06looks like the chocolate deal is off, so give me my ruddy newspaper and I'll be on my way.
02:18On with the show. In a world full of nonsense and piffle, we need someone with credibility
02:22to help find the answers to our questions. So, as always, we begin by asking, who is
02:26tonight's authenticator? Breaking news. Our reporters say she's bilingual, a degree in
02:32Spanish from St Andrew's University. She's appeared on Spooks, appearing as herself.
02:37She's done a lot of charity work. She completed a leg of the Around the World in 80 days for
02:41children in need. And, of course, she reads the news. Yes, breaking news, I can confirm
02:45tonight's authenticator is Louise Minchin.
03:00Hello. Hello, God.
03:05Hello, Louise. Hello, hello. Thank you for coming on the show. Are you well? Pleasure, yes,
03:09very well indeed. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. Good. I said there that you read
03:12the news, but you do loads of stuff on TV. Yes, I do lots of things like Real Rescues,
03:16Missing Live, The One Show sometimes. You had a bit of a thingy with Will Smith as well,
03:20didn't you? Didn't you get a bit close to him? That wasn't my fault. So what happened...
03:24I didn't say it was your fault. For some reason, it can only happen on The One Show, so for
03:29some reason we were trying out blueberries and my co-presenter Matt said he didn't really
03:33like them and Will Smith said it's because you haven't been giving them properly. So
03:37he threw a blueberry into Matt's mouth, but it didn't hit Matt's mouth, it hit his nose
03:43and the blueberry fell somewhere that possibly it shouldn't have done. You can imagine.
03:51Louise, how are you going to help us tonight? Well, Rod, just like I tell everybody what's
03:55in the news, I'm here tonight to provide facts and information which can hopefully get us
03:59closer to the answers to the questions tonight. Wonderful, thank you. And when I think we
04:03have an answer, I will do this. Arlene, welcome to the show. What have you been asked this
04:11week? Well, bizarrely, what I've been asked this week is, on my Twitter, to say happy
04:17birthday to someone's auntie. This is the problem with Twitter, isn't it? I want to
04:23know, is everyone on Twitter asked this question as frequently as I am? Are you on Twitter,
04:29Louise? No. Are you on Twitter, Greg? No. Are you on Twitter, Jack? Mm-mm. But you get
04:35propositioned a lot on Twitter, don't you? Yes, I do. What have you learnt this week,
04:41Jack? When I was on the train station, waiting for my train, this guy comes up to me and
04:45goes, you're the guy from Blue Peter, aren't you? And I was like, no, no, no, I'm not the
04:49guy from Blue Peter. He was like, no, no, you're definitely the guy from Blue Peter.
04:52I was like, I think I'd know if I was the guy from Blue Peter. It's not the kind of
04:55thing you stumble into by accident. And before you know it, you're hosting Blue Peter. But
04:59he was so persistent. I looked up, my train was four minutes away. I was like, I can't
05:02be bothered to have this argument. So I was like, yes, I'm the host of Blue Peter. And
05:06then for four minutes, I stood on this platform, answering all these questions about Blue Peter.
05:09And he was upset. He was like, so what's the garden like? And I was like, oh, it looks
05:13a lot bigger on television than it is in real life. And then someone else walks past and
05:17goes, oh, you're Jack Wildhoff from Up The Week. And then it was just complete silence
05:22because I felt really awkward because I'd lied about being on Blue Peter. And he was
05:25like, why did you lie to me? I was like, you made me lie. I didn't want to pretend to be
05:29on Blue Peter. And then I went off to get my train. And before I went, he was like,
05:32but is the garden actually bigger? I don't know.
05:36So on with the show. Let's find out who wants to know what. Who have we got tonight?
05:41Oh, it's Wayne Rooney. Let's have a look.
05:47Let's hear him what he's got to say before we laugh.
05:50Rod, do you think I was right to go to Dubai without any sunscreen?
05:57It's hard to say, isn't it? Time will tell, I suppose, Wayne. Who else have we got here?
06:03Ah, Cheryl Coe. Shall we have a question from Cheryl? Why not?
06:07Cheryl says, Rod, do you think my new wax work is realistic?
06:12Well, Cheryl, I do think it's very realistic. I genuinely cannot tell the difference.
06:17And I was at the unveiling and I chatted you both for at least an hour afterwards.
06:23Who's next? Let's have a look. Oh, Jermaine Jackson. Are you a fan of the Jacksons?
06:29I was a huge Michael Jackson fan. Right, let's find out what Jermaine wants to know.
06:34Hi, Rod. We Jacksons are known for our dangerous dance moves. But my question to you is, Rod,
06:39which body part is the most dangerous?
06:44Louise, can you see what you can find out? What part of the body is the most dangerous?
06:49Well, if I said to you, right, there's a duel, you're going to be in a duel,
06:52and here I have a wonderful collection of body parts in, like, a foam case, you know,
06:56like, you normally choose your pistols from it, and you had a collection of body parts you could choose from,
07:00what would you choose? A box of body parts? What kind of duel is this?
07:05That isn't what Jermaine Jackson is asking you. He's not saying which is the most dangerous body part to hit someone with.
07:11Say you're fighting Lloyd. Lloyd, pick your weapon. What would you choose, Lloyd, from a box of weapons?
07:16I would choose the small intestine.
07:21Funnily enough, I think I'm out of them, Lloyd. Why do you want the small intestine?
07:26Because it's 25 foot long. I could use it as, like, a slimy lasso.
07:32Ah, now you're thinking. Greg, what would you go for?
07:36I have to select a body part from your serial killer casket.
07:41I'd probably put a rib cage round my head.
07:45That's a very defensive stance. That's very negative.
07:48No, they're very flexible as well, because my entire head would be protected,
07:51and if he, Lloyd, attacked me with his slimy lasso, I would pull two of the ribs out,
07:55I'd throw them as knives into Lloyd's head, then I'd pull an extra rib out, throw it on the floor,
08:00and I'd get off with her. It'd be brilliant.
08:07What would you have from my slightly macabre box of weird body parts?
08:11For me, there is no option. It's the voice box, and it yells,
08:15Kill him!
08:21Of course!
08:23They may say sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never harm me.
08:28Let me tell you, words can do a great deal of harm.
08:32They do also say sticks and stones may break my bones,
08:34but a big slimy intestine lasso will also help.
08:39Have we got any information that might lead us any closer to an answer?
08:42You mentioned voices, didn't you?
08:44Squeaky voice comedian Joe Pasquale holds the world record
08:47for the most martial arts throws in one minute.
08:50No, he doesn't!
08:51In April 2009, he performed 29 martial arts throws in 60 seconds.
08:56A courtier, yeah, and Floella Benjamin's a ninja.
09:01You haven't thought of the head yet in this equation.
09:03Nobody's mentioned the head. The head's quite a powerful tool.
09:06Your head's always reminded me of one of those things,
09:08you know, those big brass balls they have more boats round?
09:11Aw!
09:13Your head is disproportionately...
09:15What's the average weight of a normal human head, please?
09:17Well, now you mention it, the average weight of the human head is five kilos.
09:22Right, let's weigh Greg's head.
09:24Oh, you just happen to have some scales here, do you?
09:27Arlene, would you mind doing the honours?
09:29Can you weigh Greg's head for me?
09:31Because a normal human head is five kilos.
09:34Right, let's have a look.
09:36A normal human head is five...
09:38Wait, let's first off, let's try and...
09:40What's your guess? Five kilos is the normal human head.
09:43Let's play guess the weight of the troll's head and you catch...
09:50Right, guess the weight, you win a prize.
09:53So, Lloyd, what's your guess, please, for Greg's troll's head?
09:576.5 kilograms.
09:596.5 kilograms for the fish.
10:01Jack Whitesall?
10:02I'm going to go for six kilograms.
10:06Six kilograms, conservative estimate. Arlene?
10:086.2 and a half.
10:106.2 and a half. And Louise?
10:12I wanted six.
10:13Yeah, for Louise, you mentioned six kilos.
10:15I'm going to go 14 kilos.
10:19Greg, would you pop your bulbous skull into the scales, please?
10:22I certainly will, but I would point out that your head,
10:25there is no differentiation between your head and your neck.
10:28You're essentially a tube.
10:32Get your body off the chair. Come on, Greg, get it...
10:34Get your head in there properly.
10:36Get this out of the way.
10:38All right!
10:40Get your head in there.
10:42Get your head face down.
10:46Get my other leg, please.
10:49Ron, I've got his arse in my face!
10:52Can you get his bum out of my face, Ron?
10:54No! Stop it!
10:56Oh, Arlene!
10:58Oh!
10:59Six.
11:01And take your head out of the scales.
11:03What is it?
11:05Six kilos is the maximum on you, and it was on there comfortably.
11:09So it's at least six kilos.
11:11Let's try Jack's head.
11:13Yeah, let's try Jack's head.
11:15Let's try Jack's head.
11:17For comparison, let's just pop a normal head in the scale.
11:20Do you want to just take me there?
11:22Well, we're here, though.
11:24That's it, this is the way to do it.
11:26Arlene, can you...?
11:34Oh, it's the same weight!
11:41It's the same weight.
11:43It's heavier.
11:48Just to put Greg's massive, bulbous, thick head in context,
11:53if it was at least six kilograms,
11:56can you put that in context for us?
11:58What would that be the same weight as?
12:00Is it about the size of a bison or something like that?
12:03A bison. Possibly.
12:05Your head is the same weight as a bison.
12:09That's not a fact.
12:12That's not a fact.
12:14A cow's head is 11 kilograms.
12:16So he's about half the size of a cow's head.
12:21Which is quite big.
12:23That is the most flattering thing I've ever heard said about you.
12:26Anyway, closest to the thing was...
12:28I'm going to go with Arlene Phillips.
12:30I'm with 6.25, we'll go with that.
12:32Arlene, you win a fish.
12:34APPLAUSE
12:39Louise, do you have anything else for us
12:41that might take us closer to an answer
12:43on what's the most dangerous body part?
12:45I've got someone who can help us. It's Dr Quintin Fogg.
12:48He's a lecturer in anatomy and he's on the line for you.
12:51Dr Quintin Fogg. Hi, how are you doing?
12:53Hello. Are you a doctor of...? What is your expertise?
12:56I'm a scientist trained in anatomy, so I'm an anatomist.
12:59OK. So, top three.
13:01Is this at number three? Is this in any particular order?
13:04Yeah, this is third from the top.
13:06The number three is an index finger.
13:08An index finger. What, really?
13:10The most dangerous body part? Surely not.
13:12It can poke in an eye, a nose, in a mouth,
13:15any other place you care to think of.
13:17Yeah. Yeah.
13:19And there's also a sharp nail on the end.
13:21Oh, what was that about a nail on the end?
13:23There's a nail on the end, so it can cut the soft tissue very easily.
13:26So it comes with a little bit of an extra bang in that
13:29it's got a little bit of dirt or bacteria underneath.
13:32What's at number two, Dr Fogg?
13:34Stomach acid, or the stomach, is a really dangerous thing
13:37if you can harness the power of the acid which the stomach secretes.
13:41Ah, like an alien. Like an alien, yes.
13:44So what would you do, then, to use it as a weapon?
13:47You'd have to be quite sadistic and cut it open and fling it at someone.
13:54So flinging a fairly hydrochloric stomach at somebody intact.
13:58And what, dare I ask, is number one and the most dangerous body part?
14:02Well, number one's a little bit more obvious,
14:04and that's the top of your head, or top of your forehead.
14:07It's really dangerous for your opponent
14:10because it's reasonably thick bone,
14:12but it's also got a really tight tendon
14:14stretched over the surface of it, which makes it incredibly strong.
14:17Is that why exclusively Scottish people use it as a weapon?
14:20It may well be, yes.
14:22Thank you very much. I will consider that as an answer,
14:24and thank you for your time.
14:26Yeah, no problem. Cheers, mate.
14:27Cheers, mate. Bye-bye. Bye.
14:33So, Jermaine Jackson, you asked which part of the body is the most dangerous,
14:37and the answer is the top of your forehead.
14:40Unless you're Mel Gibson, in which case it's definitely
14:42the big racist drunken hole in the front of your face.
14:50Who's next? Let's have a look.
14:53Of course, friend of the show, Kim Yong-il.
14:56Every week we have a question from Kim Yong-il.
14:59Rod, Alan Sugar has asked me to go on Celebrity Apprentice,
15:02but he wanted to know if I was any good in the bedroom.
15:06I'll level with you, Rod.
15:07I'm a dog's leg short of a casserole in the sack these days.
15:12Kim, I appreciate your honesty, but I think they said boardroom.
15:16Who else have we got?
15:19Dame Kelly Holmes.
15:21Hi, Rod. The fastest man in the world is Usain Bolt.
15:25So my question to you is,
15:27who would win a race between Usain or a bear?
15:34Louise, you see what you can find out. What do we think?
15:36Usain Bolt versus a bear. Harleen, what do you reckon?
15:39I could only imagine a bear lumbering, not speeding.
15:44And Usain Bolt is a man so fast on his feet that he...
15:50You feel like you haven't seen him as he went by.
15:52That is fast.
15:54Basically, I'm thinking that if you get chased by certain bears,
15:58you're supposed to run in a zigzag motion,
16:01and if Usain Bolt did that,
16:03he would leave his lane and be instantly disqualified.
16:15I'll tell you another little fact about bears
16:17that you might be interested in,
16:19which is they show that they are naturally quite good at martial arts.
16:25Which is the one with the stick? Is it kendo or taekwondo?
16:28Kendo. I'm trained in that one.
16:30Are you trained in that? Sort of.
16:33I've done it. I've done it once when I was...
16:37Do you only have to do something once
16:39in order to claim you're trained in it? Yeah, basically.
16:42I've done loads of stuff. I'm going to make a list.
16:45Have you ever seen a bear doing kendo?
16:47Doing fairly... Being pretty good with a stick?
16:49Yeah, that's what happens on the first lesson.
16:51They bring in a bear and ask you to be...
16:53People always laugh at my things, it is true.
16:55Louise, can you see... Have we got one?
16:58Yes, we've got a picture of a bear who could possibly
17:01give Usain a bit of trouble.
17:03There he is, watch this. Oh, years of training.
17:05Look at that. Yeah, deadly.
17:07Oh, come on. It's not bad.
17:09Well, surely this bear's going to do pole vault.
17:12Look at that.
17:18Look at that.
17:25Hello. Hello.
17:27Hello.
17:29What do you say to that?
17:33Could you do that, Jack Whitehall?
17:35After one lesson, be honest, were you as proficient as that bear?
17:38That bear, I can tell, has had a lot of training.
17:41They do that in the wild? That's an expert.
17:43Sadly, he's not had training in martial arts,
17:45but he can play the drum majorette.
17:51I'll put that music to it.
17:53All right, let's play it again, let's play it again.
17:55So what you're saying is that bears can do majorette work,
17:58but not martial arts? Yeah.
18:00OK.
18:02HE HUMS
18:04HE HUMS
18:06HE HUMS
18:08HE HUMS
18:10HE HUMS
18:12APPLAUSE
18:16Can we come back to the question?
18:18This is a race between a man and a bear.
18:20Are we allowed to shave the bear?
18:22No!
18:28No, no, this is a perfectly respectable Sunday family athletics meeting.
18:33Why should you be able to indulge your personal fantasies
18:36before the race?
18:38No, no, it's to do with wind resistance.
18:40Oh, right.
18:42Are you saying vote versus a bear,
18:44and I'm going grizzly bear, normal athletics meeting?
18:47I think a grizzly bear would win. Deal.
18:49Yeah. Go on.
18:51You hear about people getting chased by bears and...
18:53Yeah, you never hear about people getting caught.
18:57Being chased suggests there's a gap between you and the bear.
19:00HE HUMS
19:02Well, I mean, there's got to be a point before you get caught
19:06where you're being chased.
19:08Unless you're just sat...
19:10Unless you're just sat underneath a tree and the bear just jumps out.
19:15Or sleeping in your tent, peacefully, and the bear enters.
19:20I still imagine there'd be...
19:24Oh, I love the... I love the picture you put in.
19:27And I love the camp entrance the bear made there as well.
19:31Here I am.
19:33I shaved for you.
19:36APPLAUSE
19:39Let's get some more information,
19:41or are we any closer to finding an answer, Louise?
19:43The average speed Usain Bolt when he ran the 100 metres
19:46during the final of the 2009 World Championships in Berlin
19:50is 10.44 metres per second,
19:54which is 23.4 miles an hour.
19:57Bears have been known to run at speeds of up to 30 miles an hour
20:00for a quarter of a mile.
20:02Therefore, the bear wins.
20:04I will take that as an answer.
20:06APPLAUSE
20:10So, Jane Carey-Holmes, you asked who would win in a race,
20:13Usain Bolt or a bear, and the answer is the bear would win.
20:16Bears can maintain speeds of up to 30 miles an hour
20:19across a wide variety of terrains.
20:21One was clocked at that speed recently,
20:23running through a forest, crossing a stream
20:25and hurtling down the side of a mountain,
20:27which coincidentally is the same route George Michael took
20:29when he gave me a lift home from the pub the other day.
20:32APPLAUSE
20:36Now, before the show started, I gave our studio audience
20:39the chance to send their questions to me,
20:41so let's look at what you want to know.
20:43Who have we got tonight?
20:45Katrina McGale.
20:47Is it pronounced Katrina McGale?
20:49Where are you, Katrina? I'm here.
20:51Oh, there you are. Hello. Hiya.
20:53And what is your question?
20:55My question is, why do people pay to go up tall buildings
20:58and then pay to look at stuff on the ground through binoculars?
21:02You think you should just stay on the ground in the first place
21:04and just look at stuff down there?
21:06Yeah, just save themselves some money, see, on the ground.
21:08Well, I think it's a perfectly legitimate complaint.
21:10Why do people do...?
21:12Because Katrina doesn't know how fun it can be.
21:14If you're at the top of a tall building and you have binoculars,
21:16there's so much stuff.
21:18You can see the tops of people's heads and the tops of buildings.
21:21I think she's got a... You can sit down if you want now, Katrina.
21:23I think she's got a really good point.
21:25It's exactly what we do. We go all the way up to the top
21:27and then you look down at the bottom.
21:29I think you have to put a bit of distance between yourself
21:31and something else to really appreciate it, though, don't you?
21:33Yeah, like my ex-girlfriend.
21:43What else have we got?
21:45Er...
21:47Oh, this came in on Twitter from Simon Gowan.
21:49Why do humans have toes?
21:51Any thoughts on that, Louise, before I set you to work?
21:54Well, your feet are pretty important,
21:56so your toes must keep you balanced, mustn't they?
21:58Can you see what you can find out? Yeah.
22:00Why do humans have toes?
22:02Arlene, you're a dancer. Are toes useful in dancing?
22:05Toes are very useful in dancing. Are they?
22:07Yeah, because if you've got your toes, you can go up on,
22:10or your heels you can rock back on, and you can wiggle your toes.
22:13It's not really dancing, is it, that?
22:16The foot is an irritating thing to look at,
22:18cos it looks very like a hand, but it's utterly useless.
22:21I would just as happily have a hoof.
22:24You can't, though.
22:26In the bath. Yeah.
22:28No, all right, toes. I'm talking about the toed element.
22:30That's what you do, you test the water by dipping your toe in it.
22:33No, you just dip the end of your foot in,
22:35it just happens to be toes on the end.
22:37But I don't like that, cos the toe always deceives you,
22:39cos when you're testing a bath and you put it in,
22:41and it feels like, oh, actually, that's not that hot,
22:43and then you do that thing where you lower yourself into the bath,
22:46and when you do lower yourself into the bath,
22:48it's always the ball that just hits it first,
22:50and your toe has lied to you, cos it said that it was quite hot,
22:53and then you got into a bath of lava.
22:55And you started dancing like a bear.
22:57If the toe's deceiving you like that,
22:59imagine how much a hoof is going to deceive you.
23:01If you had hooves, how would you get over a cattle grid?
23:07The same way as I get over a cattle grid now.
23:10Or I would go to the massive inconvenience of my life,
23:13every time I came to a cattle grid, I'd go round it,
23:15go through the little gate.
23:16Go on, what have you got for us?
23:18Well, according to a study, the way in which a person moves their feet
23:22A woman who's impressed by a male admirer will move her feet towards him
23:25if her feet are crossed or tucked under her body.
23:27Oh, God, I'm spoiled for choice.
23:29That means she isn't interested.
23:30Just tuck your feet under there.
23:32Oh, hang on a minute.
23:33Every single woman in the audience is pointing her feet my way.
23:39Interesting.
23:40Do you do things with your feet?
23:42Are you conscious of it?
23:43I am quite conscious of my feet, actually.
23:45Are you?
23:46Yeah.
23:47What, like in a...
23:48Not in a romantic... You know what I mean?
23:50You'd give out messages deliberately with your feet and you'd know...
23:53Especially when you're sitting and doing the news on breakfast,
23:56it's quite important where your feet are.
23:58Is it? Go on.
23:59If you're not facing with your knees towards your co-presenter,
24:03you look like you don't like them.
24:05Yeah, and you can't have your feet up on the desk.
24:07No.
24:08Sort of feet being... Feet and toes and stuff.
24:10You might not agree with that, but what you will agree with
24:13almost certainly is that toenails are utterly pointless.
24:15What is the toenail for?
24:16I guess it's to protect our little sensitive bit underneath it.
24:19That little bit underneath it wouldn't be sensitive unless it had nails.
24:22It's only sensitive because there's nails on top of it.
24:24Yeah, I guess it's a kind of catch-22.
24:26It is!
24:27It's quite a good way to get your girlfriend out of the room
24:30if you're watching, like, TV and enjoying it.
24:32She comes in,
24:33can we watch Gossip Girl? Start eating one of your toenails.
24:36Louise, have you got anything for us?
24:38Why do we have... Why do humans have toes?
24:40Have you got anything for us?
24:41Yes, Professor Robin Crumpton, he's Professor of...
24:43Professor Robin Crumpton?
24:44Yes, of anatomy at the University of Liverpool,
24:47says...
25:02Really? So they're not as useless as I thought?
25:04Not at all.
25:05I'll treat that as an answer.
25:14Thanks, Simon, I think that answers your question.
25:16That's nearly all the questions we've had sent in this week,
25:18but Arlene, you are here, our special guest.
25:20Do you have a question for us this week?
25:25Rod, would life be better with or without gravity?
25:31I'm definitely going to go without.
25:33Are you a fan of gravity, Louise?
25:35I'd happily get rid of it.
25:36Would you?
25:37Yeah.
25:38I think we'd find it a bit difficult without it, wouldn't we?
25:41I mean, I wouldn't be able to be looking at this computer.
25:43Of course you would.
25:44Would I?
25:45You'd be up there doing it.
25:49Gravity wouldn't make any difference to you, Greg.
25:51I think even without gravity that you'd still be on the ground.
25:55I'm so fat.
25:57No, I genuinely think that if there was no gravity on the Earth,
26:01the Earth would be solely populated by you and elephants.
26:08What would you do, Greg?
26:09What would you do when it's just you and elephants roaming the Earth?
26:12I would dress as a giant mouse and become their ruler.
26:18Everything to do with wildlife would be better without gravity.
26:20You go to a zoo, for example, and you spend half an hour...
26:23I spend half my life looking for marmots.
26:25You spend half your life looking for marmots?
26:29You know what I mean?
26:30In zoos, you spend an awful lot of time thinking,
26:32is he in there? I can't see. Was that him?
26:34If you went to a zoo, no gravity, they'd all just be, there he is.
26:37They'd all be out in the open. You could see them all.
26:39I would be quite surprised if I was floated through the air
26:42and then, from behind, I got mauled by a tiger.
26:46You'd have to keep your wits about.
26:47If you went to a zoo, anyway,
26:48they'd probably give you, like, a taser on the way in with your map.
26:51Have you got any information for us
26:53about whether life might be better or worse without gravity, Louise?
26:55Well, Russell Brand is going to be sent into space.
26:57Not by NASA.
26:58Katy Perry has reportedly brought to him a $200,000 trip
27:02on the Virgin Galactic spacecraft for his 35th birthday.
27:05Do you know what? Lloyd's girlfriend got him for his birthday.
27:08It wasn't a... No, it wasn't a £200,000 trip into space.
27:11It was a banana holder.
27:14A plastic banana holder.
27:16No, it's a banana protector.
27:18It's not a banana... It's not a banana protector.
27:21Have you ever heard of a banana protector, Louise?
27:23That's what he had for his birthday.
27:25I'm not an imbecile. I can hold a banana.
27:27Why are you protecting?
27:29What? But you're not man enough to protect it.
27:33APPLAUSE
27:35What are you worried about?
27:37What? Why?
27:39Why do you need a banana... What are you worried about?
27:41Are you going to get mugged by a monkey on the way home?
27:43What are you worried about?
27:45Anyway, it looks exactly like a banana.
27:47If you were going to get mugged by a monkey,
27:49he's going to spot you more easily cos you've got a massive thing
27:51that looks like a banana with a banana inside.
27:53I'm not trying to protect myself from a monkey.
27:55Well, why else would you protect a banana?
27:57You use it because if you're putting a banana in a bag
28:00or a rucksack or something,
28:02it's a very soft fruit that gets easily bruised,
28:05and so in order to stop it getting black and mashed up,
28:08you put it in a banana protector,
28:10then when you get to your destination,
28:12open the banana protector and the banana is perfectly fine.
28:17It doesn't even fit most bananas. I've tried.
28:19Mate, it fits 98% of bananas.
28:23That's what it says.
28:24And I'll tell you now, the other 2% can go take a running jump.
28:29Jack, better or worse without gravity? Final thoughts.
28:32I think it is better with gravity.
28:34Lloyd, what do you think?
28:35You don't tamper with a classic.
28:39I think it's going with, Greg.
28:41Of course with.
28:43Why?
28:44Where's your sense of fun?
28:46Where's your spirit of joie de vivre?
28:48I think floating through life could be everyone's dream.
28:52And you know what, if we could just try it for a little while,
28:55maybe we'll all fall in love with it.
28:57Oh, my.
28:58Oh, it's lovely.
29:00Leave the children out here
29:04Let them lead the way
29:07Louise, what do you think? Better or worse without gravity?
29:10What are you going to go for? What do you personally prefer?
29:12To be honest, you've kind of sold me on without gravity.
29:15Oh, thank you. Yeah.
29:16A bit of floating about.
29:18And particularly when Arlene expresses it like that.
29:20Yeah. Greg? Yes, Rod?
29:22Could you think of a way that we could prove
29:25whether life was better or worse with or without gravity?
29:28Don't ask me that question, Rod,
29:29because I've been giving this a lot of thought before the show.
29:31Have you? Yes, I have.
29:33You can think of a way of proving whether life would be better or worse without gravity, can't you?
29:36Indeed, I can. I've got it right here.
29:38Lloyd, I think you'd better...
29:40Get ready, Lloyd.
29:41I'm just going to make a little alteration to it, though, if you'll forgive me.
29:44I don't want to do it this week.
29:47Unlucky Lloyd.
29:48Oh, no. You're off the hook.
29:50It says Lloyd's Gravity Free Day on there.
29:52Not anymore. Come on. Let's go.
29:59Welcome to Gregor Norrie.
30:05Little Rod Gilbert woke up bright and early.
30:08I wonder what adventures I'll get up to today, he thought.
30:12I might go downtown and start arguments with people
30:15by taking a ridiculously contrary stance on issues of common sense.
30:19That is not what I do!
30:21Little did Rod know, overnight, one of his fantasies had come true.
30:27Gravity had disappeared.
30:29So when he tried to get up...
30:47Get on with it!
30:48Why, I've always maintained that life without gravity would be better.
30:52I think I'll get dressed and go exploring.
30:57Unfortunately, all of Rod's clothes had floated away,
31:01apart from a disgusting pair of pink leggings that he immediately put on.
31:10Let's get him on the right way round, otherwise you'll look foolish.
31:19Oh, maybe you could do a bit of dancing, J-Lo style.
31:23Shut your face, Annie!
31:27Whoa!
31:29Having no gravity is tricky, but I still maintain it's better,
31:33said a stupid Rod.
31:35Time for breakfast. Where are my cornflakes and milk?
31:39Unfortunately, the lack of gravity meant that the corn...
31:45Unfortunately, the lack of gravity meant that the cornflakes
31:48wouldn't stay in the bowl.
31:50Breakfast was a disaster.
31:56APPLAUSE
32:02Fortunately, a big, messy blackcurrant cheesecake was floating by,
32:07and Rod enjoyed a massive bite.
32:16You are...
32:18Oh, dear me.
32:20Fortunately, there was a gigantic chocolate cake
32:24drifting past, which Rod enjoyed heartily.
32:38Oh, come on!
32:40Little Rod was full and exhausted.
32:43He was. So it was time for bed.
32:45It is time for bed.
32:47Sadly, his bed and duvet had floated off,
32:50so he had to spend the rest of his life...
32:53So he had to spend the rest of his life floating in space.
32:57Forever!
32:59The end!
33:05You're in serious trouble, Ransom.
33:14Louise, do you have a final fact that can help us
33:16whether life would be better or worse without gravity?
33:18I think I've got a sneaking suspicion which it is.
33:20I do.
33:21Dr Paul Safin from the School of Physics and Astronomy
33:24at the University of Nottingham said...
33:26Get on with it!
33:27..that gravity on Earth suddenly disappeared,
33:29air, water, plants, animals and all of us would fly off into space.
33:33Basically, life would not be better...
33:35Right, I wouldn't mind.
33:37Somebody press the button.
33:39Just press the button!
33:40It works!
33:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:49There you have it, Arlene.
33:50You asked, would life be better or worse without gravity?
33:53The answer is, it's definitely worse.
33:55And that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:57So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:59you can tweet the show, but for tonight, it's thanks to Arlene Phillips...
34:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:04..Zach Whitehall, Greg Davies, flatmate Lloyd,
34:08and tonight's authenticator, Louise Minchin.
34:13I'm Rod Gilbert.
34:14You can ask me literally anything.
34:17Goodnight.
34:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:27Apprentice boss Lord Alan Sugar is fired up for the Graham Norton Show,
34:31next here on BBC One.
34:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE