Absolutely Anything is a 2015 British science fantasy comedy film directed by Terry Jones, and written by Terry Jones and Gavin Scott. It stars Simon Pegg, Kate Beckinsale, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Rob Riggle, Eddie Izzard and Joanna Lumley, with the nonhuman characters' voices provided by John Cleese,
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00:00:0030 seconds and counting. Power transfer is complete. We're on internal power with the
00:00:17launch vehicle at this time. T-minus 20 seconds and counting. All the second stage tanks now
00:00:22pressurized. 15 seconds. Guidance is internal. 12, 11, 10, 9. Ignition sequence starts. 6,
00:00:335, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. All engine running. Liftoff! We have a liftoff! And so in 1972, the Atlas
00:00:47tower rocket blasted off from our planet. A four stage rocket that launched a probe
00:00:53way out into the blackness of space. The probe would use the energy from the sun and the
00:00:58gravitational pull of our neighboring planets to cross our solar system. That momentum would
00:01:04then carry it on into the farthest reaches of the universe. The mission, to find intelligent
00:01:11life, similar to ours, out there in deep space. The probe carried a tablet which had
00:01:18inscribed on it the image of us humans, a man and a woman, and a map to locate us in
00:01:23the universe. Stage four disconnects and our probe is fired on its long journey. The world
00:01:30wished it bon voyage and may it find a friend out there in deep space.
00:02:01Mad and bad and funny things
00:02:07All there for me and you
00:02:17Anything
00:02:24Anything
00:02:27Absolutely anything
00:02:33For you
00:02:36I would give you everything
00:02:42It's in my power to do
00:02:49Shiny pointy funny things
00:02:55A thousand pairs of shoes
00:03:04Anything for you
00:03:25Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. When I interviewed Neil Clark for the book program, I knew he
00:03:35was extraordinary. Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel, reviewers agree he's
00:03:41joined the ranks of Britain's immortals. Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clark.
00:03:46So I suppose I wanted to start off by asking you, how did you manage such amazing insight
00:03:58into the soul of modern man? And how do you know what men and women really want? Just
00:04:03really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos.
00:04:07Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that by looking into my own soul, Catherine. I
00:04:14studied its flaws, its potential, its urgent needs. I listened to its cries for help.
00:04:22Its yelps of anguish. And I spent five long years in a book which I hoped would throw
00:04:31open the doors of human perception and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility.
00:04:39Sorry about this.
00:04:58Don't watch TV.
00:05:00Your dog was barking.
00:05:02My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell.
00:05:05I rang the doorbell because your dog was barking.
00:05:09Your lease has no pets.
00:05:11Well, he is a guide dog.
00:05:14You're not blind.
00:05:16I prefer the term optically challenged.
00:05:19You're not optically challenged either.
00:05:22Fiona, you live like three floors up. I mean, I don't believe...
00:05:25You don't control your bloody dog. I am going to get it sent to Battersea Dog Show.
00:05:31What?
00:05:36Come on, Dennis. Let's go and evacuate your bowels.
00:05:40Come on, Dennis.
00:05:47Come on.
00:05:49Hi, Neil.
00:05:50Hi, Catherine.
00:05:52Hey, it's funny. I was just dreaming about you.
00:05:55Really?
00:05:56Yeah, you were presenting me with an award for my novel.
00:05:59Oh, did you deserve it?
00:06:01Well, I was proud but humble.
00:06:03Have you finished it, actually, in real life?
00:06:06Absolutely. Almost, yeah.
00:06:08Because last spring you were on chapter...
00:06:10Yeah, I've renumbered them. In fact, I've removed them.
00:06:13Oh.
00:06:14Yeah, I find the whole concept of chapters just gets in the way, so...
00:06:17Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
00:06:20I want reading it to be like being sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
00:06:24Like going on Facebook?
00:06:26Like Facebook, yeah. That's a good one.
00:06:29Ahem.
00:06:32Like being sucked into a giant vortex.
00:06:35Dennis, why do you let me say things like this?
00:06:38Hey. Come on.
00:06:59Shh.
00:07:29Ahem.
00:07:45Hmm.
00:07:47Hmm?
00:07:49Ah.
00:07:51Garax Garengo Pacta.
00:07:53Ha-ha!
00:07:55Ha-ha!
00:07:57Ha-ha!
00:07:59Ha-ha!
00:08:01Ha-ha!
00:08:03Ha-ha!
00:08:05Ha-ha!
00:08:07Ha-ha!
00:08:09Ha-ha!
00:08:19Come on, Ray, it's only 20 quid.
00:08:21No, I can't, Neil. Yeah, but it can't lose.
00:08:23I guarantee you a 50% return on your money before the end of classes today.
00:08:30So when do you make your move on Miss Booker Brines downstairs, then?
00:08:33Oh, I don't. Sounds like she's a bit literal-minded.
00:08:36No foresight. Whereas me?
00:08:38I can see for miles into the future.
00:08:40A man needs a woman, Neil.
00:08:42I got Dennis. Dennis is male.
00:08:45And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
00:08:47PHONE RINGS
00:08:49Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life.
00:08:53Walk.
00:09:14Accessing representative images of Earthlings.
00:09:23HE MUMBLES
00:09:38Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged.
00:09:44I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
00:09:48Is that better, Cardy?
00:09:50Understanding you now, Sharon.
00:09:52By the power invested in me by the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
00:09:56I hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth.
00:10:00With great respect, Sharon,
00:10:02we should not pronounce a destruction order
00:10:05before we've given these Earthlings a chance to prove themselves.
00:10:08God! They've penetrated intergalactic space!
00:10:11Lorian is right.
00:10:13They're clearly not a superior species.
00:10:16Look at the way they copulate!
00:10:19If these Earthlings can convince us that they are superior beings,
00:10:24then they may join our society.
00:10:26If they cannot, we must eliminate them
00:10:28for the moral well-being of the entire intergalactic community.
00:10:32Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
00:10:34Not at all, Miss Barker.
00:10:38No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
00:10:40No, I don't want to see you either.
00:10:42We had a great time last summer. It's over.
00:10:45What part of over do you not understand?
00:10:47Thank you for calling. Bye-bye.
00:10:50These questions of yours make it sound as if I thought
00:10:53this bloody author can string two words together.
00:10:56But he can. It's a wonderful book.
00:10:58Darling, didn't you read the memo?
00:11:00We're doing a demolition job.
00:11:02But it's the best thing he's ever written. Everyone says so.
00:11:05That's why we have to pee on it from a great height.
00:11:08I want ten new questions, please, before noon.
00:11:18Don't you know? She never reads the books. She hates books.
00:11:22Why is she presenting a book programme, then?
00:11:25Am I spying trouble? Just wondering.
00:11:29No, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
00:11:33but that's what people tune in to see.
00:11:35Not books, not authors, God forbid,
00:11:39but Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego.
00:11:43I think people watch because it's a book programme
00:11:45and they love books.
00:11:47Books are finished.
00:11:49Our job is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination
00:11:52with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
00:11:55So not just selling out, then. We've sold out.
00:11:57Exactly.
00:12:00For God's sake, smile!
00:12:16It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
00:12:19What?
00:12:21The price of pickles.
00:12:23Don't even look at the marinated herring. Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
00:12:28I didn't want them anyway.
00:12:34Oh, God.
00:12:36Oh, God.
00:12:38Oh, God.
00:12:40Oh, God.
00:12:42Oh, God.
00:12:45Thanks.
00:12:47Erm, I also offer support and counselling on dips,
00:12:49dried fruit and pasta sauces.
00:12:54She's gone.
00:13:01The usual test, Cheryl?
00:13:03The usual test, Skydeep.
00:13:05One earthling will be chosen randomly
00:13:07as defined by the intergalactic manual of good and evil.
00:13:11Page 56, paragraph B.
00:13:13Er, page 56, paragraph D.
00:13:17Erm, right.
00:13:19To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil.
00:13:24How will they prove it?
00:13:26They will be given the power that all superior beings have.
00:13:30The earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything.
00:13:34What if he uses his power for evil?
00:13:37The earth will be eliminated.
00:13:39But if he uses it for good?
00:13:41Then we welcome them to the intergalactic community.
00:13:44Are we ready, gentlemen?
00:13:46Commencing random selection of earthlings.
00:13:50Processing.
00:13:53Processing.
00:13:55Earthling.
00:13:57Charlie, come on. Wait.
00:14:00Selected.
00:14:02Ah.
00:14:04The earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good
00:14:09rather than for evil.
00:14:21God.
00:14:31Fuck you.
00:14:39Ah!
00:14:43All they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books.
00:14:47Well, my producer just wants me to dig up dirt on Ammonotop III.
00:14:51I keep telling him he had the kind nature.
00:14:54And lovely hands.
00:14:56I would have loved to spend an evening with Ammonotop III.
00:14:59Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie.
00:15:02And to spend all day long talking about embalming.
00:15:05Or finding a good one that's still breathing.
00:15:08Oh, tell me about him.
00:15:10What about Grant?
00:15:12Oh, well, Colonel Grant turned out to have issues.
00:15:15Issues? Yeah, like being clinically insane.
00:15:18Is she?
00:15:20Maybe that's overstating it.
00:15:22Just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous.
00:15:27What about him upstairs?
00:15:29Oh, he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket.
00:15:32Oh, so he's gay.
00:15:34What?
00:15:35Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.
00:15:39That's the way life works.
00:15:41No, he's not gay.
00:15:43He's...
00:15:45very likeable.
00:16:06Mr. Clark.
00:16:10Hi.
00:16:12This is the 12th time you've been late this month, Mr. Clark.
00:16:15Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.
00:16:17Yesterday, you had food poisoning.
00:16:19Friday, you thought it was Saturday.
00:16:21Monday, you forgot to put your clock forward.
00:16:24Oh, everybody does that.
00:16:26Week last Wednesday, it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
00:16:30Yeah, I showed you the picture.
00:16:32That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
00:16:35Well, he's a great man.
00:16:37Great enough to appear in photographs when he is dead.
00:16:41You, Mr. Clark, are totally irresponsible.
00:16:44You are idle.
00:16:46And you are feckless.
00:16:48Feckless?
00:16:50Yes, you're without feck.
00:16:55If I could replace you, I would.
00:16:58If I could replace you, I would.
00:17:03Yeah, well, so would I.
00:17:05I just don't have anybody to replace me with.
00:17:28You're like a skier.
00:17:30I've had my moments.
00:17:33Hello, gorgeous.
00:17:35How about cocktails for two this evening?
00:17:37Go halves?
00:17:39Drop dead, Ray.
00:17:41All right.
00:17:43Think about it and get back to me.
00:17:47No.
00:17:49Neil? Yeah.
00:17:51You could do anything. What would you do?
00:17:53Hello, Neil, love.
00:17:55Hello, Neil, love.
00:17:57Tinned mouse or fricassee of war, Victor?
00:17:59I will have the roast headmaster, please, Mrs. B.
00:18:02You are a wan.
00:18:04There you go.
00:18:06Thank you.
00:18:08I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs. B.
00:18:13You'll enjoy that, Mr. Ray.
00:18:15As long as you don't eat it.
00:18:18No, I mean, if you could make anything you want happen,
00:18:22what would it be?
00:18:24I would make Dennis regurgitate my notes from chapter three.
00:18:32If you could make something impossible happen.
00:18:35In tact.
00:18:41What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?
00:18:44What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?
00:18:47What, even if she thought you were a little shit?
00:18:50Come on, Ray, that would be taking an unfair advantage of an innocent girl.
00:18:54OK, but suppose there was one thing you could do
00:18:57that would change your life for the better.
00:18:59Oh, that's easy. I would make alien spaceships destroy Tennessee.
00:19:09Sounded like it was in the school.
00:19:15Out of the way! Out of the way! Stand back! Stand back! Stand back! Stand back!
00:19:18Just stay calm.
00:19:24Oh, my God!
00:19:30Who was that?
00:19:32It was the salubrious Gat of Galaxy G946WOT.
00:19:39Gat, what do you think you're doing?
00:19:41Just practising, Sharon.
00:19:43If you diss your review yet, we may not want to destroy the species.
00:19:47Are you kidding?
00:19:49445,349,722 new alien species encountered.
00:19:54Number granted membership of the intergalactic community of superior beings...
00:19:59zero.
00:20:01We have high standards.
00:20:03You know you're going to wipe them out.
00:20:05It all depends on the earthling.
00:20:07And signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever.
00:20:10The opposite certainly personally would work.
00:20:14In other news...
00:20:18Hello, Dennis.
00:20:20Oh, Dennis.
00:20:22Couldn't you have waited?
00:20:29It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive School
00:20:32that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
00:20:36A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack,
00:20:39but say there were no connections with reports of a UFO sighting in the area.
00:20:44The headteacher, Mr Rob...
00:20:50Oh, sure, Dennis. It was an alien spaceship.
00:20:54What are you talking about?
00:20:56If I could make an alien spaceship destroy 10C,
00:20:58then I wouldn't be farting around with this, would I?
00:21:01I'd just say, dog mess, clean yourself up.
00:21:05Woof!
00:21:07See?
00:21:25Woof!
00:21:35Woof!
00:21:42It's just shock.
00:21:44It's just post-hallucination shock.
00:21:46That's all it is.
00:21:52I mean, it couldn't have been an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
00:21:55I mean, it's just something it couldn't have.
00:21:57Woof!
00:21:59Oh, my God.
00:22:02Woof!
00:22:10Oh, damn it!
00:22:19Whiskey?
00:22:21Go back in the bottle.
00:22:23See?
00:22:25You see, there's nothing. There's nothing.
00:22:27There was nothing. It's nothing.
00:22:29Whiskey, go back in the bottle.
00:22:38Oh, my God.
00:22:41I have to wave my hand.
00:22:53Whiskey.
00:22:55Exchange yourself for another bottle.
00:22:57A single bottle.
00:23:01Hey, come back!
00:23:03Woof!
00:23:24Door open quick.
00:23:27Not that quick.
00:23:29I didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged.
00:23:38It's closed.
00:23:43Oh, shit.
00:23:47Ah!
00:23:49Got you!
00:23:51Go get him!
00:23:53Priority!
00:23:55Get him!
00:23:57Come on, come on!
00:24:06Woof! Woof!
00:24:08Shh. Dennis, be quiet.
00:24:10Oh, shit.
00:24:18All right, laddie. You're next.
00:24:21Woof!
00:24:24Meet me at home having dinner with Dennis.
00:24:32Oh, jerk!
00:24:34Chubsy!
00:24:37If you say one word about this, constable,
00:24:39you'll be on community relations.
00:24:48Oh, my God. Tennessee!
00:24:51Oh, shit.
00:25:01Let everyone who died be alive again.
00:25:10Woof!
00:25:12Woof!
00:25:14Woof!
00:25:16Woof!
00:25:22Woof!
00:25:30Oh, God!
00:25:32No, no, no, no!
00:25:34I meant everybody in Tennessee be alive again!
00:25:37Obviously! Not everyone who's died ever!
00:25:39Are you crazy?!
00:25:45Shit, shit.
00:25:47And everybody who died in the bomb blast and is alive again
00:25:50will be completely uninjured.
00:25:52Oh, shit, shit, shit!
00:25:54Oh, OK. Me feel better.
00:25:57Oh, that's better.
00:25:59Me have a really good idea about what to do next.
00:26:02Oh, that's a good idea.
00:26:04Let the explosion never have happened.
00:26:06Now, I mean, if you could make anything you wanted happen,
00:26:09what would it be?
00:26:11I'm sorry, what?
00:26:13If you could do anything, what would you do?
00:26:16That's very weird. I just... I think I just dreamt that I could.
00:26:19What?
00:26:20Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave my hand
00:26:23and say such-and-such, and it would happen.
00:26:25So what'd you do?
00:26:27I made alien spaceships destroy Tennessee.
00:26:29Good thinking.
00:26:31I would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground I walked on.
00:26:34Oh, you wouldn't be so cruel.
00:26:41Hello, and welcome to Book News,
00:26:43the show where you get to know what books are coming to you
00:26:46and authors get what's coming to them.
00:26:49What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?
00:26:52Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger?
00:26:56You've come to the right place to find out.
00:26:59Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley,
00:27:02whose latest novel is entitled What You See With Your Eyes Open.
00:27:07Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago.
00:27:10It got what they call mixed reviews and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
00:27:15What possessed you to write another one?
00:27:18Well, my wife was dying.
00:27:20You were estranged, weren't you?
00:27:22Well, yes, but on her deathbed, she urged me to write another book.
00:27:26Knowing that she would never have to read it.
00:27:28Well...
00:27:29Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction.
00:27:32What? He was 14, James.
00:27:34That's got nothing to do with his book.
00:27:36Well, neither has the show, Kath.
00:27:38Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity.
00:27:42But me, I quite like it.
00:27:45Play your cards right, you could get your own office,
00:27:49and a bigger desk, and a view.
00:27:51Don't quibble with me, Mr Stanley.
00:27:54I care about you in this land.
00:27:56It's found on every page of this book...
00:27:58Sorry, that you don't.
00:28:01Mind you, you've got to play your cards right.
00:28:04What are you doing here?
00:28:05Oh, don't I get a kiss?
00:28:07Go away.
00:28:08That wouldn't be fair to you, Kath.
00:28:10This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me.
00:28:13What? I'm calling security.
00:28:15No, not just the charming, high-flying military strategist.
00:28:18Hello, security.
00:28:19Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either.
00:28:21Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.
00:28:24Or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance.
00:28:28Just a humble officer who adores you.
00:28:33Okay, Grant, I appreciate that you like me.
00:28:37Like? Like?
00:28:39What do you think, I'm one of these cardboard cutouts?
00:28:41Like? No. No, no, no.
00:28:43Adulate. Worship.
00:28:46Okay, well, I don't adulate or worship you.
00:28:49I don't even really like you.
00:28:51So that's why I'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone.
00:28:55So there's some hope.
00:28:56No, no, no. There's no hope.
00:28:59Kath, I came all the way to England to see you.
00:29:02Doesn't that show you how much I care about you?
00:29:03No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
00:29:05Obsession's not a quality that I admire.
00:29:07Really?
00:29:09I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
00:29:14You work for the BBC, don't you?
00:29:17I do.
00:29:20You know who ultimately controls the British Broadcasting Corporation?
00:29:25A little guy that used to work down the hall for me at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
00:29:30And he did it in his spare time.
00:29:36I'll catch you later, honey.
00:29:45It was a party. I was doing a documentary.
00:29:48I was drunk.
00:29:50He was judging me.
00:29:55BELL RINGS
00:30:15Let 10C become a model class.
00:30:17Kind and considerate.
00:30:19Oh, and eager to learn.
00:30:25Good afternoon, 10C.
00:30:27Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
00:30:31Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?
00:30:35What? The whole chapter?
00:30:37Yes.
00:30:38Oh, good. How exciting.
00:30:40He's letting us read the whole chapter.
00:30:42Great.
00:30:43Well, you get on with it, then.
00:30:46Ah! Get off!
00:30:54Let 10C become a model class.
00:30:57Kind and considerate.
00:30:59Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
00:31:01Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?
00:31:05What? The whole chapter?
00:31:07Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
00:31:09Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?
00:31:14Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change.
00:31:18And what you did with the guitar, quite beggar's belief.
00:31:21That is not how kumbaya goes.
00:31:23Neil, it's so good to see you.
00:31:25I love what you're wearing. It really does.
00:31:27It's just a great ensemble.
00:31:29So similar to what you were wearing before.
00:31:31But your laissez-faire attitude to work,
00:31:33it's a great counterpoint to my by-the-book approach.
00:31:35Great having you on the staff, Neil.
00:31:37Thank you.
00:31:38Right, you...
00:31:40It must love you an awful lot to fly across the Atlantic.
00:31:44You just can't bear losing anything.
00:31:46As far as Grant's concerned,
00:31:48I'm just a piece of lost property he wants to retrieve
00:31:51and put back on his mantelpiece.
00:31:53He was really scary. Crazy.
00:31:56I had a boyfriend like that once.
00:31:59Sass, you wouldn't take no for an answer.
00:32:01Do you? What happened?
00:32:03I married him.
00:32:05Mr. Erickson, you know the romance languages around Italian?
00:32:09Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.
00:32:11Well, I was wondering how they got their name.
00:32:13It's to do with Rome. Ancient Rome.
00:32:15Oh.
00:32:16From the Latin.
00:32:18So it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic.
00:32:21Actually, I'm thinking of switching to, um, economics.
00:32:24Oh!
00:32:26Here's...
00:32:29Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
00:32:34Ray!
00:32:38Oh.
00:32:50I could do abso-fucking-lutely anything.
00:32:59Yeah.
00:33:03Me be President of the United States.
00:33:10Hmm.
00:33:12That's funny.
00:33:14Me be President of the United States.
00:33:16Thank God we found you, sir.
00:33:18We've been looking for you everywhere.
00:33:20Oh, my God!
00:33:22There he is!
00:33:24Oh, my God!
00:33:27Oh, my God!
00:33:29They're shooting!
00:33:38I am sorry about that, Mr. President.
00:33:41Here are the briefing papers for Syria, the deficit,
00:33:45Israel in the Middle East, China, global warming,
00:33:48unemployment, and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
00:33:52Jesus!
00:33:54Get yourself a hose!
00:34:02I can do...
00:34:05anything.
00:34:07Okay, but what do I really want?
00:34:17Give me a really big dick.
00:34:20Ow!
00:34:22Ow! Not that big!
00:34:24Obviously. Just dick.
00:34:26Return to the old size.
00:34:29Oh.
00:34:31Oh.
00:34:33Okay, um...
00:34:35Let me have a penis that women find exciting.
00:34:41Yeah, it's good. Yeah. Can I have it in white?
00:34:44Right. Okay. Um...
00:34:46Let me have a really great body.
00:34:49Oh. Oh.
00:34:52No. Um, no, look, no, look.
00:34:55Give me the body of a great man.
00:34:58What the fuck?
00:35:00Not Albert Einstein.
00:35:02Let me have the great body of a man.
00:35:12Me be able to see Catherine from downstairs.
00:35:20Shit!
00:35:25Let me not be able to see her.
00:35:28No, I don't mean me go blind.
00:35:30Let me be able to see, but flawed be as it was.
00:35:38Catherine, from downstairs, forget what just happened.
00:35:42Oh, God.
00:35:44Oh, God.
00:35:46Catherine, from downstairs, forget what just happened.
00:35:49Oh, God.
00:35:59Quietly. Quietly.
00:36:12Um, Ray?
00:36:14You know earlier on we were talking about being able to do anything?
00:36:18Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, um...
00:36:21This is going to sound kind of stupid, but, um...
00:36:25Suddenly I can.
00:36:27Can what?
00:36:29Do anything. Just make things happen.
00:36:31Things that shouldn't happen, I just wave my hand and they do.
00:36:36Are you feeling okay?
00:36:38Yeah. Um, just look.
00:36:44You, tell us who you were.
00:36:46You'll never believe this, but I was a conjurer.
00:36:50I went by the name of the Great Alfredo.
00:36:53Uh, real name was Bredge Hoskins.
00:36:56I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot.
00:36:59This is just 3-D projection or something, right?
00:37:02Oh, of course, it's all gone now. I blame the wogs.
00:37:05Hey. All that black minstrel stuff.
00:37:07Once they started allowing that...
00:37:09That's not me, that's what I'm saying.
00:37:11The Jews took over the business. It's never the same again.
00:37:14Hey, just go and jump out the window.
00:37:16Why don't I? Watch this.
00:37:31How did you do that?
00:37:33I don't know.
00:37:35I could swear it was the skeleton talking.
00:37:37Yeah, it was.
00:37:39Okay. Let me see you do another one.
00:37:42What? What? I can't think of anything.
00:37:44Oh, come on. You know, how about some flowers?
00:37:48Bunch of flowers in my hand.
00:37:50That's pathetic.
00:37:52How about room be covered in flowers?
00:37:56Come on, Ray.
00:37:58Ray, think of something more imaginative.
00:38:02Bloody hell, Palmer, did you just throw this out the window?
00:38:06Neil, did you throw this out the window?
00:38:08That's very funny.
00:38:10What are you doing here? Come on, get on home. I'll cover for you.
00:38:13Oh, my God.
00:38:17This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.
00:38:20Told you.
00:38:22You know what? We could own a racehorse.
00:38:25Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world.
00:38:28No shit.
00:38:38We win every time?
00:38:40They're all ours.
00:38:42Let's forget about the horses.
00:38:44We could have anything, Neil.
00:38:46Wealth, fame.
00:38:48Women.
00:38:50We could make any woman fall in love with us.
00:38:53Neil, any woman we want.
00:38:57Good night, Catherine. See you later.
00:39:04Jump in, babe.
00:39:06Curb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant.
00:39:09That doesn't really apply to people with my security clearance.
00:39:11Besides, how else are you going to get home?
00:39:13On the tube. Go away.
00:39:15The London Underground is worse than anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
00:39:18You don't deserve that.
00:39:20No, I don't deserve this either. Please, leave me alone.
00:39:22Okay, okay, I get it. But you got to let me down gently, huh?
00:39:26What does that mean?
00:39:28Well, there's somebody else, right?
00:39:30No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
00:39:33It's...
00:39:35You and I are not compatible.
00:39:38So we could grab some coffee, sit and talk.
00:39:41But what would that even achieve? There's nothing to talk about.
00:39:44Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us.
00:39:47It's got a view of St. Paul's Cathedral.
00:39:50Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
00:39:53Here's the key.
00:39:55I don't want it.
00:39:57And when I get you up there, you're going to think you died and went to heaven.
00:40:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:40:05Oh, my God.
00:40:36Oh.
00:40:38Fuck Grant.
00:40:39Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.
00:40:40Fuck Grant.
00:40:45Fuck James Cleverill.
00:40:47Fuck James Cleverill.
00:40:54Fuck all TV producers.
00:40:56Especially the ones that say you can sleep with them.
00:40:59But if I play my cards right.
00:41:05Hey.
00:41:11Why do I always end up with the control freaks?
00:41:14Oh, Giz.
00:41:15Yeah?
00:41:16Who?
00:41:17You upstairs.
00:41:19Oh, honey, he's not gay.
00:41:21He's attractive.
00:41:23He's kind.
00:41:24Well, then fuck him.
00:41:26No, he's nice.
00:41:28No, I don't mean fuck him.
00:41:30I mean...
00:41:32Fuck him.
00:41:36You mean fuck him.
00:41:38What, right now?
00:41:40No, not now.
00:41:42You've got to let me do your make-up first.
00:41:48Malfunction.
00:41:49Galactic power failure.
00:41:51Barbara, we'll have to suspend the test.
00:41:54What?
00:41:55This is on the blink, Sharon.
00:41:57The Earthling won't have galactic power until I get it working again.
00:42:00Barbara!
00:42:01I thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything.
00:42:05Soon.
00:42:10Catherine from downstairs be madly in love with me.
00:42:13That was quick.
00:42:19Hi.
00:42:20Hi.
00:42:21You're not gay, are you?
00:42:23No, I'm not.
00:42:25Let's go to bed.
00:42:26Okay.
00:42:33Oh, shit!
00:42:36Oh, fuck!
00:42:37Wait!
00:42:44I'm sorry!
00:42:49I'm sorry!
00:42:50I'm sorry!
00:42:51I'm sorry!
00:42:52I'm sorry!
00:42:53Okay.
00:42:55Galactic power now returning to Earthling.
00:43:13Going to get ready for work.
00:43:23Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
00:43:36I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles right this moment, it's the middle of the night for crying out loud.
00:43:42Weather, be like it usually is in Los Angeles during the day.
00:43:48So pedantic.
00:43:53Alright.
00:43:57Clothes, get dressed on me.
00:44:04And smarten yourselves up.
00:44:06Better.
00:44:23Miss Pringle, this really has to stop.
00:44:36Oh lord.
00:44:38Oh lord.
00:44:50Okay.
00:44:51That was a very interesting... Ow!
00:44:53Ow! Can you just stop that please?
00:44:55Can you stop tapping?
00:44:57Let's just have a break, shall we?
00:44:59Right, what's next?
00:45:02Oh, this one's in German.
00:45:07Let me be able to understand German.
00:45:15What are you talking about, Dennis?
00:45:18Look, just shut up, okay? I can handle this.
00:45:22She's not going to ask me to marry her.
00:45:24Or have my children, okay?
00:45:28Dennis, what are you talking about?
00:45:33That's a good idea actually, what are you talking about?
00:45:35Dennis, be able to talk.
00:45:37Biscuits.
00:45:40What?
00:45:41Biscuits.
00:45:42Maybe if I make her fall in love with me like a little bit, you know, so she doesn't want to marry me but she wouldn't have sex on a regular...
00:45:47Biscuits!
00:45:48For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard!
00:45:49What?
00:45:50Biscuits!
00:45:51Red biscuits, black biscuits, nothing else matters!
00:45:54Is that all you think about?
00:45:55Yes! Yes!
00:45:56Biscuits!
00:45:59Alright, Dennis, become a rational thinking creature.
00:46:03Look, I just can't concentrate on anything until I've had one of those biscuits.
00:46:06I know, it's crazy, but that's how it is.
00:46:08I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.
00:46:09So please, give me just one biscuit, then I'll be able to think about something else.
00:46:14That makes sense.
00:46:16Oh, oh, oh, he's getting the biscuits, he's getting...
00:46:17Oh, this is it!
00:46:19Yeah!
00:46:21Woof!
00:46:22He's got them!
00:46:23Woof!
00:46:24He's got them!
00:46:25He's going to throw one.
00:46:26Get ready, get ready, here it comes!
00:46:31God, it must be terrible being a dog.
00:46:34I never realized you had so many cravings.
00:46:36It's no worse than you and that bitch.
00:46:37What bitch?
00:46:38The bitch you were shagging last night!
00:46:40Oh, my God, she's not a bitch, okay?
00:46:43She's a lovely human female and we weren't just shagging.
00:46:46Right.
00:46:47Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.
00:46:49A little leg dance, huh?
00:46:50Just above the sock.
00:46:51How about it?
00:46:52Come on, Daddy.
00:46:53I thought I turned you into a rational thinking creature.
00:46:56Rational thinking creatures still have desires.
00:46:58Oh, well, we can soon deal with that.
00:47:00Woof!
00:47:01No!
00:47:02No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
00:47:04Why not?
00:47:05They're what makes my life worth living.
00:47:07Biscuits!
00:47:08Shagging!
00:47:09I don't think I like your conversation.
00:47:10But I worship you, Master.
00:47:12I love you so much, I can't bear displeasing you.
00:47:15I know, I know.
00:47:16My whole world collapses when you're cross with me.
00:47:18Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk.
00:47:20Oh, no.
00:47:21Don't take away my power of speech now that I can think rationally.
00:47:23That would be so cruel.
00:47:25Oh!
00:47:26I heard the bell.
00:47:27Somebody at the door.
00:47:28The bell!
00:47:29There it goes again.
00:47:30The bell!
00:47:31Oh, the bell!
00:47:32Hey, hey, somebody.
00:47:33There it goes again.
00:47:34Hey, hey, somebody at the door.
00:47:35Oh, no.
00:47:36Have I done something wrong again?
00:47:37No, just be quiet.
00:47:38Do you understand me?
00:47:39Is anything to stop you being angry with me?
00:47:42The bell!
00:47:43There it goes again!
00:47:44Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:47:45Dennis, listen.
00:47:46Just listen.
00:47:47Listen, listen, listen.
00:47:48Be quiet.
00:47:49That is an order.
00:47:50Right.
00:47:51Quiet.
00:47:52I like obeying orders, especially your orders.
00:47:54Good.
00:47:55Well, then shut the fuck up.
00:47:57Right?
00:47:58Right.
00:47:59Shut the fuck up.
00:48:00Yeah, yeah.
00:48:03Good boy.
00:48:09Oh, God, I made her do it.
00:48:12I made her do it.
00:48:14Okay.
00:48:16Hi.
00:48:17Hey.
00:48:18Can I come in?
00:48:19Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:48:20Of course.
00:48:23So, look, um, about last night.
00:48:26Yes.
00:48:27Is this a bad time?
00:48:28No, no, no, no.
00:48:29Okay, um, I just, I don't want you to think that I, um, do that sort of thing all the time.
00:48:35Because, because I don't.
00:48:37Um, I was slightly drunk.
00:48:39Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.
00:48:41Otherwise we probably would have done the thing with the...
00:48:43No, no, that's not what I mean.
00:48:44I mean, I, I like you.
00:48:45I, um, I've always really enjoyed talking to you.
00:48:48I just, I probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if I hadn't...
00:48:52Been pissed as a newt.
00:48:54Well, sort of.
00:48:56Yeah.
00:48:57Okay, well, then let's just forget it.
00:48:58It never, it never happened.
00:48:59No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil.
00:49:01Well, um, what did you want, then?
00:49:04Shag her, Neil!
00:49:06That's Dennis.
00:49:09Dennis?
00:49:10Yeah, he is a plumber.
00:49:12Um, I'm having a few problems with my waterworks.
00:49:14My water pipes.
00:49:15Shag her, Neil!
00:49:17I'd better get him the shagger.
00:49:19It's a special wrench that plumbers use.
00:49:24I thought I told you to shut up!
00:49:25I'm sorry.
00:49:26I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
00:49:27I'm really sorry, sorry.
00:49:28You're supposed to be a rational thinking creature.
00:49:29Sorry, sorry, I can't help myself.
00:49:30Sorry.
00:49:31Oh, dear.
00:49:32I want to shag your leg.
00:49:33Shh.
00:49:34It's not a great time, to be honest.
00:49:35Maybe later, if you behave.
00:49:37Oh, couldn't, couldn't find the shagger,
00:49:39so we just went with the old, the coupler.
00:49:41I love you, Neil!
00:49:43Shut up, Dennis!
00:49:45It's odd, isn't it?
00:49:46Shouting at the plumber like that.
00:49:48But, uh, the fact is, he's my brother.
00:49:50The plumber is my brother.
00:49:51Say you love me, Neil!
00:49:53And we're very close.
00:49:55God, Rosie was right.
00:49:56Rosie?
00:49:57Please, can I shag your leg?
00:50:00Jesus, Neil, how could you?
00:50:02The next morning?
00:50:03What I did for you.
00:50:05Why do I always end up with creeps?
00:50:07I'm not a creep!
00:50:08There's a cat, Neil!
00:50:09Neil!
00:50:10Hey, you!
00:50:11Oh, my God, go on!
00:50:12Neil, it's a ginger toad!
00:50:16Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes.
00:50:21So, she thinks I'm gay.
00:50:24I mean, so what?
00:50:25You know, I mean, it means that she won't want to marry me,
00:50:28or have my kids.
00:50:30Bingo.
00:50:31Problem solved.
00:50:33Thank you, Dennis.
00:50:41Catherine!
00:50:46Catherine!
00:50:50Um, me be on the bus.
00:50:56I don't mean on the bus, I mean in the bus!
00:50:59Ah!
00:51:01Annoying the engine and the passenger accommodations!
00:51:06Ow!
00:51:10Hey!
00:51:13Catherine!
00:51:24Catherine!
00:51:26Catherine!
00:51:28Whoa!
00:51:29Ray!
00:51:30You've got to stop Miss Pringle.
00:51:31She's set up shrines all over the school.
00:51:34There's even a website.
00:51:35Look, you wanted her to worship you, okay?
00:51:37Not like this!
00:51:38Ray, I don't have time for this.
00:51:39Wait, wait, wait!
00:51:40You haven't lost the powers, have you?
00:51:41No, I haven't lost the powers!
00:51:42Ray!
00:51:43You have!
00:51:44I haven't lost the powers!
00:51:45Ray, become a duck!
00:51:49Ray!
00:51:50Ray, stop it!
00:51:51Ray, stop it!
00:51:52Ray, stop it!
00:51:53Ray, become a sausage!
00:51:54I haven't lost the powers, Ray, okay?
00:51:56This is not...
00:51:57Neil!
00:51:59Oh, that's his car!
00:52:02Behold, the car of Ray!
00:52:08Catherine, can we talk?
00:52:10No.
00:52:11But I love you.
00:52:12You also love Dennis, apparently.
00:52:14Did you take that off there?
00:52:16No, this is mine.
00:52:17Yours.
00:52:18Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
00:52:20I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
00:52:22You love him, he loves you.
00:52:24I'm happy for both of you.
00:52:25Just don't bring me into it.
00:52:26Yeah, no, but there's something I need to tell you about Dennis.
00:52:28You are going to have to pay for that now that you've touched it.
00:52:30It's mine!
00:52:31No, it isn't.
00:52:32I heard what you said to each other, Neil.
00:52:34Yeah, look, there's something crucial about Dennis, you don't know.
00:52:36He's not a man!
00:52:37I don't want to hear this, Neil!
00:52:38I know, but I'm just saying he's not a man.
00:52:40Ow, get off!
00:52:41You pervert!
00:52:42Ow!
00:52:43Come here and steal our stuff!
00:52:44I told you that's not your sausage!
00:52:46It is my sausage.
00:52:47Give it back!
00:52:48Just give it back!
00:52:49Let go!
00:52:50Give me 80p!
00:52:51Mine!
00:52:53I'll just get you change.
00:52:55No, it's, it's, never mind.
00:52:56You'll know because it's £4.20.
00:52:57Keep it!
00:52:58It's too much for a tit.
00:52:59Have it your way.
00:53:00She'll think so too.
00:53:02She really does.
00:53:06Sausage, become Ray.
00:53:08Jesus, Neil!
00:53:10Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels?
00:53:12There he is!
00:53:15Get up off me!
00:53:17Leave me alone!
00:53:21He must have been angry.
00:53:26It's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever.
00:53:29Why can't we just get on with the destruction?
00:53:33Because there are rules, Maureen.
00:53:35No!
00:53:36We must follow galactic procedures.
00:53:37Rules didn't stop you from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
00:53:42They were delicious.
00:53:43Very crunchy.
00:53:50Surprise, surprise!
00:53:51Oh my God!
00:53:52Wait, wait, wait!
00:53:54You're crazy, do you know that?
00:53:57Crazy in love, darling!
00:53:59Get out of my flat, Grant!
00:54:01Well, I can't because you've locked the door now, babe.
00:54:03Well, then get out the way you got in!
00:54:04Oh, honey.
00:54:06Come on now, that ain't nice!
00:54:08Just get out, Grant!
00:54:10I never want to see you again!
00:54:11Get out of my life!
00:54:13Get out!
00:54:15Come on now, open the door!
00:54:17Sorry.
00:54:19Sorry about the noise.
00:54:20At least it wasn't barking.
00:54:24Not you.
00:54:25Walk out the front door.
00:54:26Okay, let's sneak in the back.
00:54:27Make your way up to my place.
00:54:28No moves.
00:54:29No funny business.
00:54:30You can just stay out of his way and I will make you dinner.
00:54:34I hate doors!
00:54:36Invite Dennis.
00:54:37Behave like grown-ups.
00:54:38Catherine!
00:54:39Okay.
00:54:40Catherine, come back!
00:54:41I'm leaving!
00:54:42Okay!
00:54:43I'm coming!
00:54:44Hold it on, wait for me now!
00:54:48She's coming for dinner!
00:54:51Whoa.
00:54:52Hey, it was just about to start.
00:54:54She's coming to dinner.
00:54:56Who?
00:54:58Catherine.
00:54:59The bitch?
00:55:00Don't call her that.
00:55:02All right, I don't want you chipping in either, okay?
00:55:04Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
00:55:06Me? A dumb animal?
00:55:08Yeah, well, you know how to pretend, don't you?
00:55:10It's just, it's called acting.
00:55:12Oh, you mean like when I'm having my tummy tickled?
00:55:14You love having your tummy tickled.
00:55:16All right, dog.
00:55:18What?
00:55:19It's a sham, Neil.
00:55:20All dogs do it.
00:55:22Why?
00:55:23Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
00:55:25Because they love having their tummies tickled.
00:55:27Uh-uh.
00:55:28Dogs pretend to like it because they know human beings like doing it.
00:55:34Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog, okay?
00:55:37Can't I join in the conversation just a little bit?
00:55:40No.
00:55:42That is so cruel.
00:55:44Somebody at the door!
00:55:45Hey, hey!
00:55:46It's the bell!
00:55:47It's the bell!
00:55:48I know it's the bell, Dennis!
00:55:49Right. No, no, sorry.
00:55:51Just one more peep out of you, okay, and the flea collar is going back on again.
00:55:55Right, right, right.
00:55:56Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:55:58Bark.
00:56:00Woof.
00:56:02Do it properly.
00:56:04Woof! Woof!
00:56:05Yeah, good. Okay, thank you.
00:56:07Got it.
00:56:10Hi.
00:56:11Has he gone?
00:56:12No, I don't think so.
00:56:14Dennis, down!
00:56:16Named him after the plumber then, did you?
00:56:18Uh, yeah.
00:56:21Aw, do you want your tummy tickled?
00:56:25Why do dogs like that so much?
00:56:35So the producer promises to take me out of the general office
00:56:38and give me a big desk with a view, but he won't.
00:56:41He's just trying to get me into bed.
00:56:46What did you want to tell me?
00:56:49Just try this first.
00:57:06Oh, that's incredible.
00:57:10That's the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted in my life.
00:57:16Mmm.
00:57:17I had no idea you were such a fantastic cook.
00:57:21I... I...
00:57:22That's unlike anything I've ever tasted.
00:57:24What is it?
00:57:25I just said,
00:57:26let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,
00:57:29unlike anything she's tasted before.
00:57:31And...
00:57:32It is.
00:57:34Really?
00:57:35Really.
00:57:38I can make things happen.
00:57:41Anything.
00:57:43That's what I was trying to tell you this morning.
00:57:45You know, I wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber.
00:57:48I was talking to Dennis.
00:57:50The dog?
00:57:51Dennis the dog.
00:57:53Who answered you back?
00:57:55Yeah, because I made him talk.
00:57:59Oh.
00:58:00With my powers.
00:58:03Special powers.
00:58:06I mean, what, you want a bigger desk?
00:58:08You got it.
00:58:09You want a great view?
00:58:10You got it.
00:58:11Um...
00:58:13Neil,
00:58:14how long have you had those special powers?
00:58:16Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
00:58:18Very suddenly?
00:58:19Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.
00:58:22Just ask me to do something, anything, just, you know.
00:58:25Listen, Neil, it's okay.
00:58:28You can get help with this.
00:58:29Son of a bitch!
00:58:32Jesus!
00:58:33I'm out of here!
00:58:35There's nobody else, huh?
00:58:36Who is this guy?
00:58:37She didn't tell you?
00:58:38I'm her fiancé.
00:58:39You're not my fiancé, Grant.
00:58:40Oh, yeah?
00:58:41And you weren't just making out with this apology of a man?
00:58:43Stop this!
00:58:44You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier?
00:58:46I'm sorry, Neil.
00:58:48That long.
00:58:49I'm warning you.
00:58:50You're warning me?
00:58:51Yeah, I'm warning you.
00:58:52Who is this guy?
00:58:54You suck on this, asshole.
00:58:55Grant!
00:58:56All I have to do is go like this and say what?
00:59:00Where did you find this fruitcake?
00:59:01Put that away, Grant.
00:59:03What can I say?
00:59:04Grant become a fairy?
00:59:05It's Grant, not Grunt.
00:59:07Stop it!
00:59:08And you're the goddamn fairy.
00:59:09How about Grant go back to where you came from?
00:59:11It's Grant!
00:59:12How about kiss my ass, Grant?
00:59:13Neil, don't.
00:59:14He's crazy.
00:59:15How about you say,
00:59:16please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain.
00:59:19Grant, stop it!
00:59:20I prefer let all bullets bounce off me.
00:59:22Go on, shoot me.
00:59:24Oh, my God, you're both crazy.
00:59:26He doesn't dare.
00:59:27Neil, please, please.
00:59:29Pull the trigger.
00:59:30What's the matter, Grant?
00:59:31Shut up.
00:59:32Go on, shoot me.
00:59:33Neil, he will.
00:59:34No, he won't.
00:59:35Yes, I will.
00:59:36No, you won't.
00:59:37Grant, drop the gun.
00:59:39You little shit!
00:59:42You idiot!
00:59:43I wouldn't do this if I were you.
00:59:45I wouldn't do this if I were you.
00:59:46Go on, I hate you.
00:59:47Go on.
00:59:52Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throw me.
00:59:55Shut up!
00:59:56It's Grant!
00:59:59Help!
01:00:00Help!
01:00:01Who the heck was that?
01:00:02That's Dennis.
01:00:04It's just a dog.
01:00:06English dick.
01:00:12Oh, shit!
01:00:13Shit, what happened?
01:00:14Do you want me to make it better?
01:00:16It hurts!
01:00:17Grant's arm be better.
01:00:22Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is this?
01:00:25Grant, be stuck on the ceiling.
01:00:27Oh, shit!
01:00:28Oh, shit!
01:00:29Oh, shit!
01:00:30Oh, shit!
01:00:31Oh, shit!
01:00:32Oh, shit!
01:00:33Grant, be plastered to the wall.
01:00:36Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
01:00:37Let's talk about this.
01:00:38Grant, be buried head first in the plant pot.
01:00:40What do you mean, plant in plant?
01:00:44Grant, be standing in front of me.
01:00:51Yeah.
01:00:52You want to be nice to me, Grant.
01:00:54Okay, maybe I can help you.
01:00:55Who?
01:00:58I could make your life absolutely hell,
01:01:00or I could say Grant be holding a million dollars.
01:01:09Oh, yeah!
01:01:10Or I could say the million dollars disappear.
01:01:13Oh, fuck! Come on!
01:01:16I can do anything.
01:01:17All I have to do is wave my hand.
01:01:20You've got to wave your hand?
01:01:22That's right.
01:01:23Isn't he great?
01:01:24I love you. I love you so much.
01:01:26Dennis, keep out of this.
01:01:27But you are great.
01:01:28Neil, you can do anything.
01:01:29Dennis, shut up.
01:01:30Master!
01:01:31Neil!
01:01:40Hi.
01:01:41Made your mind up yet?
01:01:43How about tonight?
01:01:44Good girl.
01:01:45Eight o'clock, my place.
01:01:46Yeah.
01:01:47Always pick the wrong guy.
01:01:48Anyway.
01:01:49Oh, and I got you a new desk.
01:02:00Fuck.
01:02:24Fuck.
01:02:26What?
01:02:27What?
01:02:30Well, it's about time.
01:02:33Now, listen up.
01:02:34When I take that gag out of your mouth,
01:02:36you're going to say exactly what's on that piece of paper.
01:02:38You understand?
01:02:39The moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper,
01:02:43I kill the dog.
01:02:45Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
01:02:46Understand?
01:02:47Nod if you understand.
01:02:51Okay.
01:02:52Okay.
01:02:53I'm going to take the gag out now.
01:02:55Remember.
01:02:56One wrong word,
01:02:59and the dog gets it.
01:03:04Okay.
01:03:05Read.
01:03:07Item number one.
01:03:08Let's go.
01:03:09Come on.
01:03:10Item number...
01:03:11All pasty white Englishmen.
01:03:12Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears and wet feet.
01:03:19Now, wave your hand.
01:03:21What?
01:03:22Wave your hand!
01:03:27Yes! Yes!
01:03:28Oh, it's beautiful.
01:03:39Neil!
01:03:41Neil!
01:03:50Neil?
01:03:56Neil?
01:04:02Neil?
01:04:11Hey!
01:04:13You don't worship me, do you?
01:04:14What?
01:04:16Ray.
01:04:17You're Ray.
01:04:20I've got to find Neil.
01:04:21Isn't he here?
01:04:22He wasn't at school, either.
01:04:23He was acting with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
01:04:27Neil's got these powers.
01:04:28No, I know. I know.
01:04:30He got Miss Pringle to worship me,
01:04:32and now she's turned me into religion.
01:04:34They think I'm immortal.
01:04:36So what?
01:04:37They want me to prove it
01:04:39by rising from the dead.
01:04:42We've got to find Neil.
01:04:45Wait.
01:04:48Hey!
01:04:50Hey!
01:04:51What are you doing?
01:04:54No.
01:04:56I've got it.
01:04:58Where's your car?
01:04:59What?
01:05:00I know where they are.
01:05:04It's just out here.
01:05:05We can...
01:05:06Shit!
01:05:07Lord!
01:05:08Oh, no.
01:05:09Run for it!
01:05:11Get him!
01:05:12Lord!
01:05:16Yeah!
01:05:17This is working beautifully.
01:05:18Okay, keep going.
01:05:19Number three, let's go.
01:05:21Okay.
01:05:23Uh, three,
01:05:24all British police to have pink uniforms.
01:05:28My personal favorite.
01:05:32Hey!
01:05:34Come on!
01:05:35Come to us!
01:05:37Hey!
01:05:39Hey!
01:05:45What's this all about?
01:05:51Bloody hell!
01:05:53Ah!
01:06:02There he is!
01:06:14Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:06:16Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:06:23Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:06:24Oh!
01:06:25Oh!
01:06:28Oh, it's beautiful!
01:06:29I can't believe it!
01:06:30All right, next one.
01:06:31Come on, read.
01:06:33Let all traffic lights be permanently self-green.
01:06:36Come on, let's just...
01:06:37Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:06:39Hey.
01:06:40Huh?
01:06:41Do it!
01:06:42Do it!
01:06:44Do it!
01:06:45Do it!
01:06:46Do it!
01:06:47Do it!
01:06:48Do it!
01:06:49Do it!
01:06:50Do it!
01:06:51Do it!
01:06:53Do it!
01:06:55Wait, now listen.
01:06:58Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:07:07Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:07:08All right.
01:07:11Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:07:12Yeah, that was so good!
01:07:14Grant, are you in there?
01:07:16Skip to the end.
01:07:18Hurry up, just skip to the end!
01:07:20Skip to the end, just...
01:07:21There.
01:07:22Come on, quick!
01:07:23Read it!
01:07:24Okay, okay.
01:07:25Item 417.
01:07:27Catherine West.
01:07:28Come on!
01:07:29All right.
01:07:30Let him go, Grant!
01:07:32Why should I?
01:07:33Go on, Neil.
01:07:34Read the last item.
01:07:36Item 417.
01:07:38Catherine West be madly, deeply in love with Colonel Grant Kochev
01:07:42and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex.
01:07:47You bastard.
01:07:49Come on, now.
01:07:50Wave your hand.
01:07:51Come on.
01:07:52Neil, don't!
01:07:53Or the dog gets it.
01:07:54Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
01:07:55Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
01:07:56But I don't want to love him, Neil.
01:07:58I don't want to go anywhere near him.
01:07:59I don't want to die.
01:08:02Yeah.
01:08:05Grant, I love you.
01:08:08Please, please, let's have sex now.
01:08:10Oh, yeah.
01:08:14Dennis, be free.
01:08:15I'm free, I'm free!
01:08:17Please.
01:08:18No.
01:08:20Grant, become a corgi.
01:08:21What?
01:08:22Oh, shit.
01:08:23Do it, do it, Grant.
01:08:25Do it, do it.
01:08:27Me be free.
01:08:29Yes, yes.
01:08:31Master.
01:08:32Yeah.
01:08:33You chose to save me rather than that bitch.
01:08:34Yeah, don't call her that.
01:08:36Catherine be her normal self and not in love with Grant.
01:08:41And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
01:08:49Ray!
01:08:50Oh, no.
01:08:51Get off me!
01:08:52Neil, stop!
01:08:53Lord, show us how to conquer death!
01:08:56Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray the way that you used to.
01:09:01What the hell, Ray?
01:09:03It's nothing to do with me.
01:09:05Get lost, you creep!
01:09:08Everyone else, forget about Ray!
01:09:13Thanks, Neil.
01:09:14Thanks a whole bunch.
01:09:16Ray, could you take me home, please?
01:09:17Yeah, sure.
01:09:21I'm sorry.
01:09:27Any thoughts?
01:09:29Pathetic!
01:09:31He has no concept of good or evil.
01:09:34Well, the dogs seem all right.
01:09:37Yes, yes, the dogs are the right people.
01:09:46I'm sorry.
01:10:08Oh, hey.
01:10:09Catherine, hi.
01:10:10Hey, sorry about the other night.
01:10:12Can I cook you supper?
01:10:13No, thanks, Neil.
01:10:14I'm doing a whole suckling pig.
01:10:15No.
01:10:16Hey, what's the matter?
01:10:17Is it because I made you throw yourself at Grant?
01:10:19No.
01:10:21Look, you did what you had to do.
01:10:22It worked.
01:10:23Forgotten.
01:10:24Well, what is it, then?
01:10:26Do you know what it feels like to be in someone else's power?
01:10:29To have no will of your own?
01:10:32I thought that I made you love me.
01:10:35What?
01:10:36You know, with my powers.
01:10:39Oh, my God.
01:10:41Did I really come home early tonight because I wanted to,
01:10:43or did you make me?
01:10:44What?
01:10:45Have I always lived opposite you,
01:10:46or have you somehow rearranged things?
01:10:49I'm never going to know.
01:10:50Look, I love you.
01:10:51How can any woman love a man who can make her do whatever he wants,
01:10:54any second, every day, forever?
01:10:58Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you.
01:11:00Not in a million years.
01:11:02Catherine.
01:11:10Sharon!
01:11:11Sharon!
01:11:12Terrible news!
01:11:14This is indeed grave news.
01:11:16It appears that the cerebrus gas
01:11:18has been interfering with our translation devices.
01:11:21What's he done, Sharon?
01:11:23I'm afraid, Janet,
01:11:24that we have been calling ourselves
01:11:26by foolish-sounding earthling names.
01:11:30Female ones, at that.
01:11:32It seems that Sharon is particularly favored
01:11:35among female earthlings from Australia.
01:11:39What's the shame of it?
01:11:41Sharon, I mean, what should we be calling you?
01:11:45Call me the death-dealing darkness-bringer!
01:11:49Yes, old death-dealer!
01:11:54Great waffles, master.
01:11:56Who cares about waffles?
01:11:57Catherine hates me.
01:11:59Ray hates me.
01:12:01Everybody hates me!
01:12:02I don't hate you, and I care about waffles.
01:12:05I think I like them even more than biscuits.
01:12:07Even red biscuits!
01:12:08Dennis, this is all my fault.
01:12:10I was just thinking about myself,
01:12:12what I could get.
01:12:14And yet with these powers,
01:12:16I could have solved every problem in the world.
01:12:19I could have made people happy.
01:12:20You couldn't make Catherine happy.
01:12:22Because I wanted her to love me.
01:12:24I was being selfish.
01:12:27I mean, take world hunger.
01:12:29Let everybody in the world
01:12:31have as much food as they want.
01:12:34I mean, take homelessness.
01:12:36Let everybody in the world
01:12:37have somewhere to live.
01:12:38No, no, no.
01:12:39Live in their dream house.
01:12:41And war.
01:12:42Senseless war.
01:12:43Over.
01:12:44Forever.
01:12:45Let there be no reason for anyone
01:12:46to make war on anyone anymore.
01:12:48Yay!
01:12:49Yeah!
01:12:50Oh, and reverse global warming.
01:12:53Has it happened?
01:12:55Has it happened?
01:13:01The latest nation to succumb
01:13:03to the sudden, mysterious, exponential growth
01:13:05in world food supplies is China,
01:13:08where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising.
01:13:11Well, today a party of picnicking schoolchildren
01:13:13brought down a mile-long section
01:13:16of the Great Wall of China.
01:13:18As homelessness becomes a thing of the past,
01:13:20the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert
01:13:23has become a gated community
01:13:25known as Bogeyes Towers.
01:13:26Property developers are now converging on Antarctica.
01:13:29Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
01:13:31Well, that was a good one.
01:13:33Let there be no reason to make war on anyone anymore.
01:13:36How could that go wrong?
01:13:38For no reason at all,
01:13:40New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
01:13:43Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
01:13:46And in a surprise move,
01:13:47the tiny island of St. Kitts and Nevis
01:13:49has declared war on the entire rest of the world.
01:13:52Our war correspondent says he is unavailable for comment
01:13:55because he's too busy covering all the other wars
01:13:58which have just broken out for no reason at all.
01:14:01A short time ago, scientists were afraid
01:14:04of constantly rising global temperatures,
01:14:06but none of them have any explanation...
01:14:08Oh, my God, global warming.
01:14:10...for this sudden return, not only to the last ice age,
01:14:13but to a snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
01:14:18On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic
01:14:21into the Captain Scott gated community have been put on hold.
01:14:25Shit, shit, shit, shit!
01:14:27Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
01:14:30Yeah, but this is just unfair.
01:14:32Let everything go back to how it was
01:14:34before I started trying to make everything better for everybody.
01:14:37Beautiful, though the Earth looks from space,
01:14:40we all know how fragile it is,
01:14:42how much damage human beings have done to it,
01:14:45and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
01:14:51Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
01:14:53It just drives you bloody mad.
01:15:05Tell Catherine I love her.
01:15:07Don't do it, Master! I love you!
01:15:10I've made arrangements for your biscuits.
01:15:12You'll never have to worry about them again.
01:15:14You are the kindest, Master.
01:15:16Just, just, okay? I can't concentrate.
01:15:19Master, don't you love me?
01:15:21I can't stand it, Dennis.
01:15:23I can't stand the responsibility.
01:15:25You need to get that into your stupid dog brain.
01:15:29Neil!
01:15:34I'll save you, Master. Here I come!
01:15:40Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
01:15:42Master, help!
01:15:44Help! Help!
01:15:50There you are.
01:15:52Thank you, Master.
01:15:54Bless you.
01:15:57You do love me, Master.
01:15:59Of course I love you, Dennis.
01:16:01I just don't love myself.
01:16:07Time's up. Prime the destruction generator.
01:16:10Hang on. We need to check if he's passed the test.
01:16:13Well, he did start all those wars.
01:16:16That was good.
01:16:18But then he stopped them all.
01:16:20But why?
01:16:22He said he was trying to make things better for people.
01:16:27That's very appalling.
01:16:30The only good is to destroy.
01:16:32The only evil is weakness.
01:16:35Weakness must be annihilated.
01:16:38Agreed. Vaporize the Earthling and his wretched planet.
01:16:43I told you so.
01:16:45Reprime the destruction generator.
01:17:16Try her again, Neil.
01:17:18Go on.
01:17:20She won't have me.
01:17:22Then give up the powers.
01:17:24I can't.
01:17:26Then give them to me.
01:17:28You wouldn't have the powers, but you'd know what they were.
01:17:31And being a dog, all I want to do is follow orders.
01:17:34I'll do what you tell me to.
01:17:36Dennis, you're a genius.
01:17:38Not bad, huh?
01:17:41Destruction generator already charged.
01:17:44Death dealing darkness bringer.
01:17:49Commencing destruction.
01:17:56It is a curse that our neurons take so long to pronounce.
01:18:00Yeah, it's like you just wave your hand, like that.
01:18:03I feel it.
01:18:04Wow!
01:18:06Yeah, there you go.
01:18:07So what's it gonna be?
01:18:09Biscuits?
01:18:11But the power made you miserable.
01:18:13Yeah, but I don't have them anymore, do I?
01:18:15Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
01:18:18See?
01:18:22What are you thinking, Dennis?
01:18:33Forgive me, Master.
01:18:35What are you gonna do?
01:18:38Talk.
01:18:39That's the only short one.
01:18:42If I have any power, let the source of that power be destroyed.
01:18:47Forever.
01:18:49Scourge Timber is at Earth's root.
01:18:53No!
01:19:05I can't see anything.
01:19:07I can't see anything.
01:19:09I can't see anything.
01:19:17Wait!
01:19:23No!
01:19:25No!
01:19:48All this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up.
01:19:53Fiona Blackwell, go away.
01:20:05Fiona, how lovely to see you.
01:20:09Hey, great news. I got my sight back.
01:20:13Hey, I think I hear Catherine.
01:20:15I hear Catherine.
01:20:22Catherine.
01:20:23Hi.
01:20:24Hey.
01:20:25Look, letters become cucumbers.
01:20:28Us beyond the prow of the Titanic.
01:20:31I got rid of the powers.
01:20:34I'm impressed.
01:20:37Yeah, so maybe we could have some dinner sometime.
01:20:42Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
01:20:44Okay.
01:20:59How about tonight?
01:21:01I'll be down in half an hour.
01:21:04We're going out to dinner.
01:21:06I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
01:21:08I suppose I better keep my mouth shut.
01:21:10Turn me back, Dan.
01:21:12I can't. I like you as you are.
01:21:14Stubby legs, look at you.
01:21:16I'm not a dog. I'm a man.
01:21:18Hey, nobody's perfect.
01:21:34Whatever you want to do
01:21:36What would you do?
01:21:38And who would you do it to?
01:21:40If you could be whoever
01:21:43You want to be
01:21:46Am I crazy?
01:21:49Or did this just happen to me?
01:21:52Absolutely anything and anything at all
01:21:58Streaking through the light
01:21:59What you better say
01:22:00This star is interconnected
01:22:02Absolutely anything and anything at all
01:22:08Shining like a star
01:22:10Ringing like a star
01:22:11Oh, absolutely anything
01:22:16This is chewing a biscuit, boss.
01:22:17I'll try and give you that right now.
01:22:18Hold on one second.
01:22:21Red biscuit, right?
01:22:23No! No!
01:22:29Oh, got it.
01:22:34This is like porn, now shagging noise.
01:22:39Oh, look, there's the red bit.
01:22:46I'm done.
01:22:47Okay, okay.
01:22:49That's enough chewing biscuits while I'm fucking off now.
01:22:55So now I got everything
01:22:58Whatever you want, you get
01:23:00When I write this song
01:23:02Everyone sings along
01:23:04But I can hear the thunder
01:23:06Gonna rain it down
01:23:08Rain it down
01:23:10Have it all
01:23:12Was a bit of a ball
01:23:13But the truth keeps rolling around
01:23:15I think I'm gonna cuckoo
01:23:19Tell me that I'm wrong
01:23:21Answer me like voodoo
01:23:24Yeah, I'm gonna play along
01:23:26I think I got the power
01:23:28What you gonna do?
01:23:29I'll make a happy hour
01:23:31What you gonna do?
01:23:32So come on, people
01:23:33Come on, people
01:23:36Show me what you got
01:23:37I'm gonna get you jumping
01:23:39Jumping on the spot
01:23:40With a little something
01:23:41Something that you got
01:23:43So come on, people
01:23:45Yeah, come on, people
01:23:49Absolutely anything
01:23:51Anything at all
01:23:55Streaking through the light
01:23:56Truth that I'm inside
01:23:57This star is in a galactic
01:24:00Absolutely anything
01:24:01And anything at all
01:24:03I can see the future
01:24:04But I never get to tell
01:24:05Shining in the starlight
01:24:06All I wanna do is say
01:24:08Absolutely anything
01:24:14Absolutely anything
01:24:26Absolutely anything
01:24:35Absolutely anything
01:24:41Truth that I'm inside
01:24:42This star is in a galactic
01:24:44Absolutely anything
01:24:45And anything at all
01:24:47I can see the future
01:24:48But I never get to tell
01:24:49Shining in the starlight
01:24:50All I wanna do is say
01:24:51Absolutely anything
01:24:55Ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:02Ooh, ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:13Ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:25Ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:31Ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:37Ooh, absolutely anything
01:25:44Ooh, absolutely anything