• 4 months ago
First broadcast 20th November 1994.

Lovejoy buys a collection of Islamic antiques from retired diplomat Harold Plumb, who warns him that by rights some of the collection should have gone to the Foreign Office.

Ian McShane ... Lovejoy
Dudley Sutton ... Tinker Dill
Caroline Langrishe ... Charlotte Cavendish
Frank Finlay ... Harold Plumb
Terence Rigby ... John Hill
Clare Byam-Shaw ... Rachel
Christopher Benjamin ... Walid
Bernard Spear ... Morrie Samuels
Amelia Curtis ... Viki
Dominic Taylor ... Piers Dow
Roger Frost ... D.S. Harrison
Sean Gascoine ... D.C. Cox (as Sean Gascoigne)
John Bluthal ... Popov
Jonathan Magnanti ... David
David Ashford ... Car Showroom Manager
Katrina Buchanan ... Cleaner

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00♪
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01:00♪
01:10Half a dozen sessions with Maurice Samuels here to help tone my body.
01:15Get the circulation going, make me fit and supple.
01:19Oh! You know, I think Amnesty International would have something to say about this if they knew what went on down here.
01:25Oh! My body will not take much more of this, Murray.
01:30Oh, yes it will. You'd be surprised what it's capable of.
01:33So, what's your line?
01:35Huh?
01:36What game are you in?
01:37Your job.
01:38Oh, I'm into antiques.
01:40We get quite a few dealers in here.
01:42When they've been lifting old, dusty brick-a-brack all day, they need a bit of steam and a schmice.
01:49Like them rufty, tufty scaffolders.
01:52Yeah? Tell me, who else comes in here apart from the S&M crowd?
01:56Who else?
01:58All sorts. Especially all sorts.
02:01Yesterday, you know who was lying on this very slag?
02:04Sure do.
02:06A retired British diplomat.
02:10A man who spent his whole life in the Middle East.
02:12Been everywhere. Spoke every Arab dialect there was to speak.
02:16And you gave him a real going over, didn't you, eh, Murray?
02:20In fact, this might interest you.
02:22The only thing that interests me, Murray, is what time you finish.
02:25He told me he was going abroad and he had this collection of Islamic antiques he wanted to get rid of.
02:31Gave me his name and address.
02:34He might be worth a shot.
02:36Will you listen to me? Will you listen to me?
02:40Oh, it's a magnificent spread, Lovejoy.
02:43My mouth is watering already.
02:45Let me taste those sausages and that bacon, Tinker.
02:48Morning, Tinker.
02:50Good morning.
02:51Lovejoy.
02:52Morning, Charlotte.
02:54Well, well, well.
02:56Caught in the act.
03:00Hmm?
03:02All the toxins drained out of him one day and he's busy putting them all back the next.
03:06Charlotte, yesterday I had three apples and one banana.
03:10Today I'm having some food.
03:13You promised, Lovejoy. You said you'd give it a try.
03:16Food is an essential part of any well-balanced diet.
03:19Isn't that true, Tinker?
03:20Absolutely right.
03:22Why starve yourself to death in order to live longer?
03:25I'm not worried about you, Tinker, tucking into all that high cholesterol grub.
03:28You're far too old for it to affect you anyhow.
03:30Oh, thank you very much. Tea?
03:32But you, Lovejoy, you've still got a few more miles left on the clock.
03:36Don't you think it's worth giving it a try, just a little teeny-weeny try?
03:39At no salt makes you aggressive.
03:43Charlotte, if it tastes good, spit it out. It's terrific.
03:47Why are you dressed like that, anyway?
03:49I came round to ask you if you wanted to play tennis.
03:52Charlotte, I hate to disappoint you, but Tinker and I have got an appointment
03:55with a retired British diplomat about some Islamic artefacts.
03:58That's absolutely right. We have to see him after breakfast.
04:01Never set out on an empty stomach. That's what we old folks say.
04:29Mr Clumb?
04:31Yes?
04:33Lovejoy and Tinkerdill.
04:35Majordell.
04:37Yes?
04:39Maurice Samuels, Islamic artefacts. I called you.
04:42Oh, yes, so you did.
04:46Well, I suppose you'd like to come in.
04:48Yes.
04:52Excuse the mess. I'm packing.
04:54Seem to have spent the last 12 months packing and unpacking.
04:59Take a seat, please. Take a seat.
05:03Lovejoy tells me you've lived all your life in the Middle East, Mr Plumb.
05:07Oh, that's right. That's right, yes.
05:09Pick any road between Istanbul and Arden, Cairo, Kabul,
05:13you'll be damn sure old Harold Plumb has travelled along it.
05:16I used to drink with the British ambassador of...
05:18No, no, no. I was never in the jet stream. I was consular.
05:22You know, passports, travelling the souk and the odd deaths,
05:25the wooden wheels of diplomacy creaking and grinding over the bumps.
05:29Either of you ever been to the Middle East?
05:32Never. Not yet.
05:34Oh, you should. Go to the desert.
05:36Tread in the steps of Thesidur in the Rub' al-Hali.
05:39Do you know, it's quite awesome to wander among the endless sand dunes.
05:43Know that it's what, oh, over 1,000 kilometres between you and the sea.
05:47I think I'd be inclined to stay on the beach.
05:50Believe it or Thesidur who said that if you enter the desert,
05:53it leaves an imprint on you, brands you as a nomad.
05:56You always have a yearning to return, wherever you are.
05:59Some in it strong, others weak.
06:04As for me, I always take a bowl of the red sands of the desert
06:08from outside of Riyadh with me, wherever I go.
06:11Curbs the desire, so to speak.
06:13Oh, look. Dried figs.
06:17Camel shit, actually.
06:22You do have something to show us, don't you?
06:24Oh, I do indeed. But in the Middle East, everything had its own speed.
06:28Now, you and Mr Dill here are lucky.
06:30You're only getting the Reader's Digest version.
06:33But first, I want to give you a small treatise on diplomatic protocol.
06:39We do have quite a full day, Mr Plumb.
06:42This is for your own good.
06:44Call me Harold. Sounds better.
06:46Certainly, Harold.
06:49If you are a member of Her Britannic Majesty's diplomatic service
06:55and you are fortunate enough to be presented with a gift
06:58from a member of the country that you're in,
07:01you may keep that gift, provided that the value does not exceed £100.
07:06If, on the other hand, the value does exceed £100,
07:09it has to be handed over to the Foreign Office,
07:12but it's eventually put into auction,
07:14and the original recipient may bid for the gift if he so wishes,
07:18in that way it avoids corruption or influence.
07:22Are you following me so far?
07:24So far. So good.
07:27Now, during my career in the Middle East,
07:30I was naturally presented with many gifts,
07:33some worthless, others valuable.
07:35Some of the valuable ones I did hand over to the Foreign Office,
07:39but others... You didn't.
07:43Well, they were far too valuable for me to bid for anyway,
07:47and, in some cases, far too beautiful to relinquish.
07:56This house belongs to my son.
07:59He's away on holiday with his wife and two children in Normandy.
08:03His wife expects, nay, demands, that I be gone before they return.
08:07I'm going to San Francisco to live with my other son in two weeks' time.
08:11So, if there is anything here you wish to purchase,
08:15the price will be in dollars,
08:18and I add the caveat that it will technically
08:21be the property of the Foreign Office.
08:24Well, I think we get the point, Harold.
08:27Would you like to show us the stuff?
08:31Now...
08:35A 17th-century incense burner given me by the wazir of Shebam in Yemen.
08:41I smell the frankincense.
08:43Look into the mirrors and they say you can see Arabia.
08:49Now, this, lovejoy, takes me back to Saudi Arabia,
08:52sitting under the stars by the Hejaz Railway,
08:55with a Bedouin family drinking chamomile out of this bowl,
08:58which was used by Loras.
09:00Quite a gift, huh?
09:03You have some provenance to you?
09:06Anything written down?
09:08They're nomads. Can't write.
09:13Thank you for showing us your collection, Harold.
09:16I don't think we'll take up any more of your time.
09:19Now, let me see.
09:22What's this?
09:25Ah, yes. Iznik, Turkey.
09:27I'm told it's from around 1550.
09:29Very rare. It was given to me by the brother of King Hussein
09:32when I was in Amman in the early 60s.
09:34And I do have a letter, not the original, but a photocopy.
09:41Oh, sorry. Excuse me, please. Thank you.
09:46I think one of these sold last year in Christie's for a fortune.
09:51Oui, monsieur. Très bien. D'accord.
09:54Glad you stayed now.
09:56Everything has its own speed, lovejoy.
09:58Everything has its own speed.
10:00I wonder what else the old goat's got.
10:02Sorry about that.
10:04The bag.
10:06Ah, thank you. Do sit down, please.
10:09Now, let me see.
10:11What's this?
10:15Oh, yes.
10:22Ottoman tomback helmet.
10:25Absolutely right.
10:27Tinker.
10:29Ottoman horsesham from...
10:31Right again. Date. Want to try a date?
10:34What, 17th century?
10:3616th, actually.
10:38Always had a theme for the old Ottomans.
10:40Now, those two pieces were given to me
10:42by a relative of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk
10:44for a small consular favour when I was in Ankara, 59.
10:49See what I mean about them being too beautiful
10:51to hand over to the Foreign Office?
10:53Certainly can.
10:55Now, this is our further copy
10:58of the letter that came with them.
11:01Ah, we've got more stuff in storage in Dubai,
11:04if you're interested, but, um...
11:06Well, the helmet,
11:08the chamferon, the jug...
11:11$100,000.
11:14Cash.
11:19$100,000.
11:23I'd like to have the stuff photographed
11:25and then show the photos to an expert.
11:27Sorry, no can do.
11:29I think you'd only fair to point out
11:31I've had one offer already.
11:33That phone call was from Paris.
11:35They can be over here in, what, 48 hours?
11:42Pity to see it go, actually.
11:48But we need time to think.
11:53Tick, tock.
11:56Tick, tock.
12:02Yep.
12:03Fine, Harold, we'll pick you up tomorrow.
12:09Harold's agreed that we can take the stuff
12:11to Waleed on one condition.
12:13What condition?
12:14You stay in the car with Harold while I show Waleed the gear.
12:17As a kind of hostage.
12:30More snacks between meals, I see.
12:32It's lunch, actually, Charlotte.
12:34I wasn't going to swallow, I was just going to chew them.
12:37Where are the suits?
12:38My accountant and a VAT inspector.
12:40Heavy duty.
12:41Closing in, are they?
12:43Negotiating a VAT refund, actually.
12:46Don't forget Lovejoy's pie, Tinker.
12:48Tend to go off very quickly.
12:55Charlie Gimbert's not going to like this Lovejoy.
12:57He's not going to like it one bit.
12:59He's not going to find out.
13:01Unless you tell him.
13:03Besides, I think this will make a better impression on her.
13:11Used to have my shirts made a few yards down on the right.
13:14Egyptian cotton, Lovejoy.
13:15Finest cotton in the world.
13:17I have a rather good man in Bishop's Stortford.
13:20Tell me the plan.
13:22The plan is I go upstairs to see Waleed.
13:25Who's Waleed?
13:26Running part of ADMB?
13:28Waleed's an ex-employee of the Louvre.
13:30You mean Waleed was sacked from the Louvre, don't you?
13:33Due to illness and fatigue.
13:35They got sick and tired of him.
13:37He's an expert in Islamic art.
13:40You want a fortune for this stuff,
13:41I want to make sure it's kosher.
13:45Well, as you say,
13:47it's an Ottoman copper gilt tombac helmet.
13:5116th century.
13:53I remember something like this in the Topkapi Museum in Istanbul.
13:57Now look here.
14:00Look.
14:01You see that mark?
14:03That is the emblem of the Ottoman court arsenal at Hagia Iran.
14:08This is a very fine piece, Lovejoy.
14:11This is a very fine piece, Lovejoy.
14:14Where do you say you got it from?
14:16I didn't.
14:18Yet.
14:25Here we are, you see, look.
14:27The same mark.
14:29The arsenal.
14:31You know, I've always wondered if they had a football team.
14:34I'll bet it was very, very boring if they did.
14:38Very good piece.
14:40Not unique, but quite fine.
14:47We had a jug like this in the Louvre.
14:50Quite rare.
14:54Hardly a scratch on it.
14:56Got any provenance?
14:58Could have.
15:00Are these things stolen?
15:02No.
15:04No.
15:08You're here to sell?
15:10You want to buy?
15:14Let me contact my brother.
15:17Tell me something, Harold.
15:19Yes, Tinker?
15:21If Lovejoy were miles away in some secret location at this moment
15:25with all of your stuff,
15:27and I were to open this door and race down the street to join him,
15:31and you being not exactly a four-minute miler yourself,
15:35what would you do?
15:39You wouldn't know anything had happened to you
15:42until you had a drink of water.
15:45Yeah, yeah.
15:47OK, Yussef.
15:52How's our accidents here?
15:54Masala.
15:57Well, we go to 40,000 for the jug
16:00and 50 each for the helmet and the shawl.
16:09That's 140,000 pounds sterling, not Lebanese pounds, right, Wally?
16:14Sterling. The bank's around the corner.
16:17We can have the cash here in ten minutes.
16:20Don't get an offer like this every day, do you, Lovejoy?
16:25You can have first refusal.
16:29He could have walked out of Wally's office with 140,000 pounds.
16:34So what stopped him?
16:36Stopped me? I'll tell you what stopped me.
16:38I have been waiting for a deal like this for years.
16:41The opportunity comes along once in a lifetime,
16:44and when it does, you have to go for it all the way, isn't that right?
16:47And this is all confirmed in your horoscope, is it?
16:49Charlotte, Wally is one of the sharpest operators in St James's.
16:53He was obviously going to double the amount on his end, right?
16:56Here it is. I knew I'd seen it somewhere.
16:58What does it say? Estimated between 100,000 and 150,000.
17:01Estimated.
17:02He was going to offer me one third of that. See how sharp he is?
17:05Razor sharp.
17:09All we have to do is put together
17:12$100,000 for dear old Mr Plumb.
17:16No, excuse me. Wait a minute. What do you mean, we?
17:19Charlotte, this is the deal of the decade.
17:21Today, I could have creamed off £80,000 of pure profit.
17:25But why stop at £80,000?
17:27Lovejoy, if you had £80,000,
17:29your bank could give you your own cash machine.
17:32Tink, that money is already on the table.
17:34What I'm suggesting is that we each put in roundabout £20,000, right?
17:38£20,000? Just like that?
17:41You just had a VAT rebate.
17:43Lovejoy, that was for £65.
17:46I bought lunch. We ate it.
17:49Lovejoy, go to Walled. Take the money.
17:52You deserve to be certified if you don't.
17:55There's nothing involved. No scheming, no ducking and diving.
17:59Just need to make a couple of calls. Here, use this.
18:02You see...
18:03Pardon me for saying this, but I think that you are both missing the point.
18:07Those three pieces could fetch over a quarter of a million quid, right?
18:11But you said yourself the gear is bent. It's bound to go bottom up.
18:15I know I said that, but I only said that to scare him.
18:18He himself said that it was almost impossible to prove, right?
18:22Almost I don't like. Take the cash, Lovejoy.
18:26Charlotte.
18:28This deal is good. I mean, I can... I can smell it.
18:32You can have your cargo plated, trust me.
18:34You are not making any sense.
18:37You've never even seen 80,000 in one lump.
18:40And now you're walking away from it.
18:42You're barking mad. Wired to the moon.
18:45No, I'm not, but if neither of you is willing to go along with me...
18:50I shall go it alone.
18:52I thought you were broke.
18:54I shall borrow it.
18:56Borrow it?
19:15I shall borrow it.
19:17We flew from Gatwick to Rhodes, back to Gatwick,
19:45turned around, then on to Malaga,
19:47and we got a stop over in Torremolinos.
19:50Then back to Gatwick, off to Faro, and back again at lunchtime.
19:54Sounds like you hardly have time to drink your duty free.
19:57Have you seen your mum lately?
19:59Er, a fortnight ago.
20:01She comes to stay for the odd weekends when I'm here.
20:06Has she got another...
20:09Well, you know, is there a new friend, or is she...
20:12Is she still with... What's his name?
20:14Well, you know what I'm asking, don't you?
20:16Dad. What?
20:17You don't have to be embarrassed.
20:19She still sees Howard occasionally, that's all.
20:21But they're not living together, if that's what you mean.
20:23Howard the creep.
20:24Still cooking, is he? Still using the smoke alarm as a timer?
20:27He's an airline caterer, actually, and he helped me to get this job.
20:32Just don't tell her you've seen me.
20:36She always asks me if I've seen you.
20:38And I nearly always say no.
20:41Well, this time next week, I think things are going to be a little different.
20:44You and I are going to fly off to somewhere
20:46with palm trees and white sandy beaches,
20:48and you will not be serving the in-flight meals.
20:51If only I'd a pound for every time I went there.
21:02These are the deeds to the flat and all the papers that go with it.
21:05One more task.
21:06You bought it, so you can do what you want with it.
21:08Vicki, I'm not going to sell it, love. It's your home, isn't it?
21:11I'm just going to put it up for security until next week.
21:14There's absolutely no risk.
21:16I'm just going to show my bank or something, that's all.
21:19Look, Vicki, if you don't trust me...
21:22Of course I trust you. You're my dad, aren't you?
21:39Look, Vicki, if you don't trust me...
21:41Of course I trust you. You're my dad, aren't you?
21:50Yeah. Just going, Your Honour. Just going.
21:54No choice, am I?
21:58$4,000.
22:00$4,000.
22:02$4,000.
22:04$4,000.
22:06$4,000.
22:09$95,000.
22:13Where did you say it was?
22:15Paddington, John.
22:17Paddington? Screwed a few drums in Paddington, I have.
22:21Might even have done this one, you never know.
22:25Never thought I'd be doing business with you, Lovejoy.
22:29Sign both, keep one.
22:32It's 10% over one month.
22:34And if you don't come up with the reddish, you're out on the street, no messing.
22:38You got that straight, right?
22:40Yes, John, I have. $99,000.
22:44$100,000.
22:46I shall be back here by the 31st.
22:49No problem, John.
22:52What's it for?
22:54Come on, Lovejoy, if it's tasty, I might go in with you.
22:57It's not your kind of thing, John, it's antiques.
23:00A couple of Turkish bits of armour and a Turkish jug.
23:04Leave it out.
23:06$100,000 sounds like a Turkish mug to me.
23:10Worth three times that, actually, John.
23:12Bookie gear, is it?
23:14No, well, sort of. Could be, might be.
23:16Certainly not that sort of stuff, you know.
23:21No risk, just got to keep stum about it, you know.
23:25Oh, yes, very nice, John.
23:29Did you lay that?
23:31Out of your league, Lovejoy.
23:39John?
23:41Got it from a Norwegian.
23:43It's been recovered.
23:45One has. Don't like it. Gives me the screamers.
23:48What's it for?
23:50It's been recovered. One has.
23:52Don't like it. Gives me the screamers.
23:54See you on the 31st.
23:56And make that 11 o'clock, will you?
23:58No problem.
24:01And I'm quite a good judge of men's characters.
24:04You didn't look to me like a person who would pass on a deal like this.
24:10Oh, look, I've decided to throw in the rest of the stuff.
24:13I'm sure your friend Tinker will think of something highly decorative
24:16to do with a camel crap.
24:18And what about the copies of the letters?
24:20Oh, yes, yes, well, they're both letters.
24:23I've even translated them for you.
24:25They're marked where you have to change the names.
24:32Well, that's it then, Harold.
24:35All that remains is to say thank you and wish you a pleasant time in the States.
24:38I hope you'll enjoy a bit.
24:40I've lived here too long outside the shelter of my colonial life, Lovejoy,
24:43to live in a city.
24:45I shall be back to the desert before long.
24:47And just one last thing.
24:50Don't contact me again.
24:54What is that? What on earth is that?
24:57Dried fruits of the desert. Try one.
25:00I don't think so.
25:02Very low in cholesterol, Charlotte.
25:04It's out of big health food. Could catch on.
25:06I've just had my live yoghurt. I couldn't possibly eat another thing.
25:09Oh, I've seen a couple of those pop up.
25:11So, you've actually done it.
25:13He's raised the money.
25:15These are mine. They're all mine.
25:17Until I sell them for 150,000 smackers, that is.
25:20Sound the trumpets. Hail the conquering hero.
25:23Yes, thank you very much, Tink. But I won't be sharing the profits with you.
25:27How does this look? Better on the horse.
25:29Thank you, Charlotte.
25:30I cannot believe this thing is worth 50,000.
25:33Yes, well, it is. And as soon as Popov knocks off a couple of letters of provenance,
25:36I shall stick them in an auction house.
25:38Well, you're not sticking them in mine.
25:40Popov is a forger. He should be in prison.
25:43Popov is an artist. He should be in the National Gallery.
25:53A small dab with the old India tea bag.
25:57So as not to make it look too perfect.
26:02And there you have it.
26:04Yeah, it just needs a little distressing.
26:06All right, so-so. You press it a few times with an old, hot, flat iron.
26:11You're looking now at 300 pounds.
26:13Not bad. 20 seconds' work.
26:16Put a decent frame round here looking at 400 pounds.
26:18I don't want you to get carried away by all this modern technology.
26:21You're an artist, Popov, of the old school. You love your work.
26:24You know me, you know I will never prostitute my art.
26:27Except for money, that is.
26:29Of course. Got a couple of photocopies here, right?
26:32I want you to create originals from them,
26:34using the name Yusuf Al Jumma instead of Harold Plumb.
26:40And, of course, you won these yesterday.
26:43Of course.
26:45100 pounds each.
26:46COD?
26:47The old school, eh?
26:49That's right.
27:11Come.
27:16Lovejoy?
27:17Not here.
27:18Who are you?
27:19I'm Major Dill, a sort of an associate, Chappie.
27:23Well, Major Associate Chappie, I'm Sergeant Harrison.
27:26This is Detective Constable Cox.
27:28How do you do?
27:29We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antique Squad.
27:31We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antique Squad.
27:33We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antique Squad.
27:35We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antique Squad.
27:37How do you do?
27:38We're from Scotland Yard, the Art and Antique Squad. CID.
27:41How do you spell that?
27:42We understand that Lovejoy...
27:44Who is actually known to us from previous experiences...
27:46That Lovejoy's been dealing in certain antique Turkish artefacts,
27:50which are the rightful property of someone else.
27:52Is that so?
27:53Well, Lovejoy's every move is about to be monitored.
27:56His entire life and this place will be taken apart atom by atom
27:59and molecule by molecule.
28:01We'll find what we're looking for one way or the other.
28:04Or he can just hand the stuff over to us
28:07and nothing more will be heard about it.
28:09How about that for a proposition?
28:11You're very tall, aren't you?
28:15I'm sorry, I just can't answer for Lovejoy.
28:20What's this, then?
28:22Not cannabis, is it?
28:24No, no, it's Arabian fruits of the desert,
28:27a form of dried fig.
28:29Dried fig, eh?
28:31I'm starving.
28:35That's disgusting.
28:37Tastes like camel shit.
28:41I've been grasped up, Tink.
28:43The swine has grasped me up.
28:45Who?
28:46The snake who lent me the money, the skunk, the puss-pimple.
28:48Who was it?
28:50Can't tell you.
28:52I'll just have to flog the stuff to Walid and settle for the 80 grand.
28:56My heart bleeds for you, Lovejoy.
28:58How will you manage?
29:04I don't know.
29:29You're wasting your time.
29:31What?
29:32They've gone, haven't they?
29:33Beirut.
29:35Beirut?
29:36They always go round this time of year for about five or six months.
29:39They leave an address, phone number?
29:41No, never.
29:42They let their stuff pile up till they get back.
29:44I stick it in the office for them.
29:48Excuse me.
29:51Hello, there.
29:52I'm Detective Sergeant Harrison from the Art and Antiques Squad.
29:55I'm looking for Mr Walid.
29:58PHONE RINGS
30:00Watch this, Lovejoy.
30:0250 bouncers in the morning and 50 in the evening.
30:05Have you got that?
30:06Maybe I can use it to bounce out the window when the police come for me.
30:09Ah, that's the trouble, Lovejoy.
30:11They're already on to you.
30:13You can't sell this stuff publicly.
30:15I can't even auction it off.
30:17Ask Harold for your money back.
30:19By the way, I saw him in the diplomatic service list under Consul for Ankara.
30:24Tinky's not going to give me a refund.
30:26Please stop doing that. You're making me very nervous.
30:28It makes me feel seasick.
30:32There is, of course, one possible way out.
30:34Take the pearl-handled revolver from the safe.
30:37Pre-empt any visit by the Art and Antiques Squad
30:40by going to the Foreign Office.
30:42The Foreign... Are you mad?
30:44They'd throw me in the tower.
30:46No, they won't.
30:47You said yourself that they'd auction the stuff.
30:49Level with them.
30:51Tell them you put up $100,000
30:54and you're prepared to turn the pieces over to them
30:56on condition that when the hammer goes down
30:58they give you 5% on top of your investment
31:00or at the very least give you your money back.
31:02Well, that way everybody wins.
31:04It's worth a shot.
31:06The trouble is there's a time limit on my loan.
31:08Who did you get this loan from, anyway?
31:11It doesn't matter. The game is up.
31:1311am on the 31st.
31:15Everybody knows that government departments take forever, Charlotte.
31:18I'm willing to bet that Charlotte was at school
31:21with somebody who is now married to somebody
31:23who is high up in the Foreign Office.
31:25Right?
31:26Only married to?
31:28I think I can do a bit better than that, Tinker.
31:37You must be Charlotte.
31:39And you must be Lovejoy.
31:41Piers Dow, Rachel's assistant.
31:43Pleased to meet you, Piers.
31:44Do you want me to carry that?
31:45No, no, no, I can manage.
31:47By the way, this is Durber Court.
31:49White and grey, Carrara marble.
31:51If we have a do in here, we never allow red wine because of the stains.
31:55Rachel tells me you come all the way down from Suffolk.
31:58Yes, you know it at all.
31:59Really? No, no.
32:00I was up there for an all-night rave about a month ago.
32:10Rachel said we should hold the meeting where you feel most at home.
32:15This is all part of the Locarno suite.
32:26Through there is where the Locarno Treaty was signed in 1925.
32:30If you'd like to put your things on the table,
32:32I'll go and tell Rachel you're here.
32:34You would like some coffee, I take it?
32:37How much is it?
32:38Yes, please, that would be lovely.
32:45Oh, yes, the old Locarno ballroom.
32:48And I thought it was in Streatham.
32:50Lovejoy?
32:52Lovejoy, will you please close these doors?
32:55Charlotte, I'm a taxpayer.
32:56I'm simply seeing how my money is spent.
32:58And when did you last pay any tax?
33:01Oh, Charlotte!
33:03Look at this.
33:05Look at the shine on this, the depth of the shine on this.
33:09I mean, people would give their right arm to know how this is done.
33:12Well, there's your answer.
33:18Oh, coffee.
33:22Black, please.
33:23Um, Mavis.
33:28Lovejoy.
33:29What?
33:30Charlotte.
33:31It's been wonderful to see you.
33:33You too.
33:35Rachel.
33:36This is Lovejoy.
33:37Rachel.
33:38Hello, Lovejoy.
33:39This is Lovejoy.
33:40Rachel.
33:41Hello, Lovejoy.
33:42Piers is going to take some pictures of these ancient bits and pieces you've brought
33:45to show somebody upstairs.
33:46Is that all right?
33:48Why don't we all sit down?
33:54I understand you bought them from a retired British diplomat.
33:58That's right, yes, a Mr Harold Plumb.
34:00He's been a British consul all over the Middle East.
34:02Really?
34:03Obviously, he's hoarded a lot of stuff
34:06and just never got around to returning it all back to you.
34:09And from what Charlotte tells me,
34:11you want us to auction them and give you your money back.
34:15Plus 5% of the total auction price.
34:18Yes, you see, we realise, Rachel,
34:20that technically this stuff does belong to you,
34:22but this benefits everyone with the least hassle.
34:27Well, Lovejoy, I've got some good news and some not-so-frightfully good news.
34:32Which would you like first?
34:34Hit me with the good.
34:36Well, these items do not and have never belonged to the Foreign Office.
34:40We have no claim over them whatsoever.
34:42Phew!
34:44Right.
34:46Hit me with the bad.
34:48We do know someone who does have a claim over them.
34:51It's not Harold Plumb, is it?
34:53No, it's Sheikh Faisal bin Fahd Al-Atabi.
34:57Who?
34:59Sheikh Al-Atabi. He's a Kuwaiti businessman.
35:02He owned a collection of very valuable Islamic antiques,
35:04which were looted by the Iraqis during the invasion of Kuwait.
35:08Well, so what? I mean, they made hundreds of tom-back helmets and chanfrons.
35:12But these three pieces are particularly well-documented.
35:15Yes.
35:17We're very grateful to you.
35:19We hadn't realised they'd already reached this country.
35:22What about your man Plumb?
35:24What, are you going to have him arrested for possession of stolen property?
35:28That'll look good in the papers, won't it?
35:30Harold Plumb is dead.
35:32He died several years ago, shortly after he retired from the service.
35:36Uh, that was him.
35:39So who's this person Lovejoy's been dealing with?
35:44That's my Harold Plumb.
35:46No, his name is Harold Yusuf Qasim.
35:49He's an Egyptian. He's one of the front men
35:51who've been selling off Al-Atabi's collection, piece by piece.
35:54His mother was an English nurse, who married an Egyptian kalesh driver.
35:58A handsome cab driver, I suppose you'd call him.
36:01Never been a diplomat, of course.
36:03No, never. He worked the embassies as a falash.
36:06A what?
36:08A falash.
36:10Somebody who makes the tea, runs errands, takes messages, that sort of thing.
36:13Tea boy.
36:15Lovejoy, you've just given $100,000 to a tea boy.
36:20I believe he was fired from our embassy in Amman
36:23for having dubious allegiances, just before the start of the Gulf War.
36:26Well...
36:28I'm sure old Sheikh Al-Mahakmah, Mahakmah, whatever his name is,
36:33won't mind stumping up $100,000 for the return of his tea boy.
36:37He won't mind stumping up $100,000 for the return of his stolen property, will he?
36:41We could always return it for you, if you wish.
36:44We'd explain the circumstances, of course.
36:47Of course you would. I'd prefer to hand it over personally.
36:50I do like a drop of champagne, you see.
36:52You do realise the legal status of these things, don't you?
36:55But they allegedly belong to someone else.
36:58I think it's only fair to warn you that we believe
37:01there are two detectives from Scotland Yard's art and antiques squad waiting downstairs.
37:05I think it'd be much better off all round
37:08if you left these things here with us, Lovejoy.
37:29Oh, good afternoon. I think I'm looking for your father and your grandfather.
37:32Harold Plumb, Yusuf Kassim, whatever his name is.
37:35Father's called Bernard, lives in Leeds.
37:38Sounds to me like you're looking for the house sitter.
37:40The what?
37:41The house sitter. You were looking after the place while we were away.
37:44So where's he now?
37:45Oh, God knows. We've been back almost a week.
37:48We got him from the agency up in town.
37:51Why don't you ask them?
37:56Aaaaah!
38:03Mr Plumb. Mr Plumb, just one moment, Mr Plumb.
38:07We haven't finished counting all the money yet.
38:09Oh, it's all there. Believe me, it's all there.
38:15Ah!
38:18Now you'll have to tell me, Lovejoy, where did you get the money from?
38:22Don't ask, Charlotte. Just don't ask.
38:25As bad as that, is it?
38:28Worse. Much worse.
38:31Oh, come on, Lovejoy. It can't be that bad.
38:34It is.
38:36I put up Vicky's flat as security.
38:41You put up your daughter's flat as security?
38:44Yeah, and she's probably going to lose it.
38:46Boy, oh, boy, that must have taken some doing.
38:49Was your tail rattling as you slid across the floor?
38:52Charlotte, I didn't think this deal could fall through.
38:55Waleed's offer was like having it engraved on a tablet of stone.
38:58Couldn't lose 80 grand pure profit.
39:01Got greedy?
39:03Yeah, I was going to take her on holiday as well.
39:05Well, it looks like the only travelling she's going to be doing
39:07is in the back of a removal van.
39:09Oh, don't show. Please, I feel gutted.
39:12You know something, Lovejoy?
39:14When you die, you'll have so few friends,
39:17there'll only be one handle on your coffin.
39:19And that'll be on the inside.
39:23Such a great pity it all fell apart.
39:25That's what you get when you deal with hyenas like John Hill.
39:29I tried my best with these things.
39:32This paper is Turkish.
39:34This paper is Jordanian.
39:39No matter. Maybe I framed them and I put them in a car boot sale.
39:45It's beautiful work, Pop-Pop.
39:47It's beautiful work.
39:49Here.
39:53No, no, no. The old school Pop-Pop always pays its debts.
39:57Wait a minute, Lovejoy.
39:59I do a deal with you.
40:01I also have family trouble.
40:03My granddaughter Tatiana was also screwed by John Hill.
40:08Out of money, I mean.
40:10She's from St. Petersburg.
40:12Same family business.
40:14Bit of this, bit of that.
40:16She came here on a tourist visa with a few things.
40:19She sold John Hill a small Fabergé egg.
40:22I saw it in his safe. Very pretty.
40:24Fall off the back of a troika, did it, Pop-Pop?
40:27Yes, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know.
40:30Anyway, they agreed to $1,000.
40:33Of course, he never paid her one lousy cent.
40:36Of course. What do you expect with a hyena like that?
40:39I had to give her the money to go home, poor child.
40:42Lovejoy, if I can suggest a way of getting the egg back,
40:46you can keep the 200 pounds. What do you say?
40:50If you can suggest a way of getting my daughter's flat back,
40:54you can keep the 200 pounds.
40:56What do you say to that?
40:59It's very simple, Lovejoy.
41:05The old Geiger counter, eh?
41:08The only thing missing is a beautiful scientist
41:12with blonde hair and a white coat.
41:14And revenge could be ours.
41:23What?
41:25Oh, no. Absolutely no way.
41:29Mr Hill. Mr John Hill.
41:32Who the hell are you?
41:34Dr Cavendish, Radiological Contamination Test Department.
41:39By law, we have to follow up any incident
41:42which has been reported to us.
41:44Incident? What incident?
41:46Some time ago, you bought an egg, a Fabergé egg.
41:50Yeah, I bought an egg. What of it?
41:53I bought it.
41:55Have you ever heard of Chernobyl, Mr Hill?
41:58What's that, a drink or something?
42:00It's a place in Russia
42:02where there was a nuclear accident a few years ago, remember?
42:05What are you getting at?
42:07Your egg is probably radioactive.
42:11Radioactive?
42:13What are you talking about?
42:16It's a scam, innit?
42:18You're making all this up, innit?
42:20We're on site and ready to proceed.
42:24Who's on the blower? What's going on?
42:27Normal procedure.
42:29We've cleared the area and had it sealed off.
42:32Sealed what off?
42:34Specialist clean-up department.
42:37We have to have them.
42:39Oh, my God.
42:41This is on the level. This is serious stuff.
42:44We've got to have them.
42:46Oh, my God.
42:48This is on the level. This is serious, innit?
42:51We don't make these things up, Mr Hill.
42:53No. No, of course not.
42:55Of course not.
42:57Now, may I have a look at the egg?
43:00Go on, then.
43:02Thank you, Mr Hill.
43:11It's all serious, innit?
43:16What's that? What's that clicking?
43:19That's normal.
43:21That's just background radiation.
43:24Now, let's move a little closer...
43:28and see what we've got here.
43:35There's a problem.
43:38This is really active.
43:42What do you mean, active?
43:44A bit. On the warm side.
43:58Now, anything that came into contact with the egg...
44:02would have been contaminated.
44:04Code red. I need two for a lift.
44:07What about me? What's going to happen to me?
44:15What's going to happen to me?
44:27Bloody hell.
44:29Have you had any vomiting, weight loss, hair falling out?
44:32No, nothing like that.
44:34Don't go to the top, Dr Cavendish.
44:36Will I snuff it? Will I die?
44:38We're going to have to get you to a specialist...
44:41just as soon as we can.
44:43What the hell's going on here?
44:45Popov's egg is killing me.
44:47Popov's egg is killing you?
44:49I'm a goner, Lovejoy.
44:51What do you mean, you're a goner?
44:53I came to see if we could work out something on the flat.
44:56It's the 31st. My time's up.
44:58Your time's up? What about me?
45:00Vomiting, weight loss, hair falling out?
45:02I'm going, Lovejoy.
45:04Going where, John?
45:06What about the flat in Paddington?
45:08What the hell do I want with a flat in Paddington?
45:11You're a good priest, Lovejoy.
45:13I mean, a really good one.
45:20That man Popov really is a genius, Lovejoy.
45:22Look at this. The harder you push the handle,
45:24the faster the signal sounds.
45:26Oh, well, where there's no sense, there's no feeling.
45:28Very good day's draft, Charlotte.
45:30Vicky gets her flat back, Popov gets his egg back.
45:32John Hill gets what he deserves.
45:34Lovejoy!
45:36Hang on. Hang on a minute.
45:39I found a priest, but he's on his way.
45:41But I've got a confession to make to you.
45:43You've got to confess to me.
45:45Dr Cavendish said you behaved like a real man up there, John.
45:47I know all that crap.
45:49Excuse me, please, gentlemen. I'm in rather a hurry to get rid of this egg.
45:52And Mr Hill here has rather a lot of scrubbing to do.
45:56You see, Lovejoy, the thing is, the $100,000 I gave you,
45:59well, they was counterfeit, wasn't they?
46:02What?
46:04You gave me $100,000 worth of counterfeit money
46:06against my daughter's flat?
46:08Yeah, I didn't see why not at the time.
46:10You still might finish up with the smacking, if you know what I mean.
46:13But now you've got the deeds back, we're all square, right?
46:16Right. Right?
46:18Do you know what I should do to you, John?
46:20Do you know what I should do to you?
46:22Come on, please. We really must make a move.
46:24I hope it drops off.
46:26Yeah?
46:28Yeah.
46:30Well, yours too.
46:33Ooh!
46:35Did you ever follow up that tip I gave you about that diplomat chap?
46:38Oh, yeah, I did, Murray, but he's gone by the time I got there.
46:41Oh, pity about that.
46:43But it's funny I should mention a man having something to sell,
46:46because only this morning I had a Chinaman in here
46:48and he said he got a load of antiques out of China.
46:51Hey, I haven't finished yet.
46:53Goodbye, Murray!
46:55Where are you going, Lovejoy?
47:33Mmm!
47:58Ah!
48:02Ah!