Chris Waitkus: Not Rocket Science | movie | 2023 | Official Clip
Chris Waitkus takes the stage at the Zephyr Theater in Los Angeles in this Debut Stand Up Comedy Half Hour Special. He h | dG1fdmNWMFdrRFpEMm8
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I am circumcised. I didn't think it was super valuable.
00:02I thought there was no value in not having that part.
00:06Until I got to college.
00:07When you're in college, there's a lot of value in being circumcised.
00:10Because I joined a fraternity.
00:12And in my fraternity, they made everyone get naked.
00:14And then whoever had a foreskin, we made those guys wrestle.
00:17And then the loser had to get circumcised.
00:20I know. It's a terrible thing. It's very bad.
00:23We should not have done it. I was the president at the time.
00:27It was my idea.
00:30The guy who lost, his name is Matt. He hasn't talked to me in nine years.
00:34I still have it. It's in a jar.
00:36It's a great way to get pledges. Honestly.
00:39You show it to people. You let them know we mean business.
00:42It's a good idea.
00:46That was gross. I'm sorry.
00:48That one was worse than the last one.
00:50I'm sorry. No more.
00:52Now feels like a good time to tell you I was molested as a child.
00:57Don't feel bad.
01:03Some of you are laughing. Some of you are uncomfortable.
01:05Don't feel bad for me. I'm fine.
01:07I'm pretty well adjusted.
01:09If you're going to feel bad for somebody, feel bad for all the kids in my class
01:11that found out I got molested
01:13and then came to me for sex advice.
01:17All these fifth graders.
01:19They were like, Chris, dude, we heard you had some sex.
01:21I bet it was great, man. What's it like?
01:23And I had to sit there and be like,
01:25Honestly, guys, pretty gay.
01:33Mostly butt stuff.
01:35No eye contact.
01:37Would not recommend to a friend.
01:39It's like,
01:41Do you like video games, man?
01:43Yeah, that's how they got me too.
01:45You gotta be careful.
01:47It's just not worth it.
01:49Spyro the Magic Dragon on PS1.
01:51It's not worth it.
01:54I just didn't know
01:56they were going to make that many more PS's.
01:58It's like,
02:00Fuck.
02:02Fuck.
02:04Am I getting clapped off for being molested?
02:08That's the craziest thing that's ever happened, dude.
02:14This is going great, dude.
02:18Thank you. Thank you.
02:20We exaggerate on stage.
02:22Everything I said is 100% true.
02:24Just so you know.
02:26Comedians tend to exaggerate.
02:28That's what we do.
02:30We embellish life to make it funny for you guys.
02:32That's great on stage.
02:34Not good off stage.
02:36You can get in a lot of trouble
02:38off stage embellishing.
02:40I called the cops once.
02:42There were these kids that were bullying me,
02:44throwing fireworks at my driveway.
02:46I got fed up, so I called the police.
02:49I was like,
02:51I'm being terrorized.
02:53They have a bomb.
02:55These people.
02:57They have a bomb.
02:59They shut half the city down.
03:03There was a lot of government money being spent.
03:05They say snitches get stitches.
03:07That's not entirely true.
03:09I didn't get stitches.
03:11I got a subpoena
03:13for filing a false police report.
03:15Just be honest.
03:17We'll be right back.