(no soundtrack) Bowsette's Princess Lessons - Chapter 1 audiobook
Transcript
00:00Bowsette's Prince's Lessons. By Yu Mei.
00:07As the explosion shattered the wall of King Toadstool's palace, sending a marble pillar
00:11tumbling to the ground, Princess Peach could only sigh.
00:16Yes, it was going to be one of those days.
00:20Her beloved father, King Toadstool, had finally decided to abdicate the throne to enjoy a
00:25quiet retirement playing golf and tennis.
00:28By the laws of the Mushroom Kingdom, a Toad Council of Regents would be appointed to safeguard
00:33the throne until Princess Peach reached the age of majority, and finally take the title
00:38of Queen Toadstool.
00:41At the moment, King Toadstool was quietly snoozing, a few inches from the shadow of
00:46the collapsing pillar that would have crushed him, had Mario not kicked his chair out of
00:50the way.
00:52As Mario scooped up Princess Peach and dove to safety, the pillar smashed across the dining
00:57room table, flattening his homemade cake into a pancake.
01:01King Toadstool started awake for a moment. He scanned the room and spotted the magnificent
01:06ancient crown resting on a pedestal at the center of the dining room in front of him.
01:12Satisfied that everything was perfectly in order, the king smacked his lips before dozing
01:17off again.
01:18That's nice, dear, he seems like an upstanding young man, and once you're old enough, you'll
01:24inherit the crown.
01:27The champions of the realm, Sir Mario and Sir Luigi of the strange, distant land of
01:31Brooklyn, New York, had heroically volunteered to seek out the lost relic for the occasion.
01:37It was rumored to have been worn by the first queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, before being
01:42hidden away in the pyramids of Dry Dry Desert.
01:46Not wanting to let the boys have all the fun, Princesses Peach and Daisy had eluded their
01:51chauffeur, Old Toadsworth, and tagged along for the adventure.
01:55Their first double date?
01:57The quest to find the crown of Queen Toadstool had been fraught with romance and danger,
02:02but that's another story for another day.
02:05Suffice to say they successfully found the crown and brought it home triumphantly.
02:10Sure, Peach and Daisy had both gotten spanked as a reward for leaving their chaperone behind,
02:16but even that had been a sort of bonding experience for the two spirited princesses.
02:21The banquet had been prepared, and Peach and Daisy had both baked the cakes themselves
02:26as tokens of gratitude to the Mario brothers.
02:30With a little coaching from Peach, Daisy had finally figured out how to bake a cake that
02:34was sweet rather than salty.
02:37They had just sat down, rather gingerly, on silk cushions, in the two princesses' cases,
02:42to enjoy the celebration.
02:45That was precisely the moment Bowser, King of the Koopas, chose to launch a full-scale
02:50attack on the palace.
02:53It had been a whole two weeks since Bowser's last kidnapping attempt.
02:58Peach should have known it was all too good to be true.
03:01Apart from the fact that Daisy's attempt at decorating her cake with a letter L in green
03:06frosting was rather improved after being squashed flat by the crumbling pillar, this dinner
03:11was a complete disaster.
03:14From behind the cloud of the crumbled debris, an army of Koopas and Goombas leapt into the
03:19fray, squaring off against the valiant but overmatched royal toad guards.
03:25Peach heard Bowser's laugh before she saw him, along with a strange puttering sound.
03:30Bowser arose, riding his flying clown car, laughing maniacally.
03:36Then he choked on the dust and smoke in the air.
03:39Kame Koopa, a geriatric witch and Bowser's most loyal advisor, flew to his side astride
03:49her broomstick.
03:50My lord, remember your asthma?
03:54Bowser slapped his chest, gasping for air.
03:57This is worse than when I had to smoke six cartons of Marioris to film that anti-smoke
04:03in PSA.
04:04I'm...
04:05Where was I?
04:06Oh, yes.
04:07Ha ha ha ha ha!
04:10Come before me, mushy mushroom weaklings!
04:13King Koopa's back, baby!
04:16Now where's my beautiful Koopy Hoopy Bokobunny buttercup?
04:21Ah, there you are!
04:24As Bowser caught sight of the tell-tale silhouette of the crown and gown of a princess behind
04:28the fog of war, he darted towards his target.
04:33Realizing her king had abandoned her, Kami's glasses almost fell off her beak in shock.
04:38But your terribleness, what about the...
04:42As Bowser reached out and grasped the princess, he made a fishy face as he lunged forward
04:47to steal a kiss.
04:49My sweetie queen, come give your favorite bad boy some sugar!
04:56Two gloved fists slammed into Bowser's face in a quick jab-cross-hook boxing maneuver.
05:01Yuck!
05:03You are even uglier than that creep Tatanga, squealed Princess Daisy, hopping back from
05:07his grasp into a mixed martial arts fighting stance.
05:12Bowser shook his head before recognizing his mistake and backing away.
05:16Oh, shell, you're not my peaches.
05:19You are that hothead from Sarasaland.
05:21Bwah!
05:22I don't want you!
05:24I'm a tyrant with taste!
05:27Daisy's face flushed to a furious red.
05:30She grasped at the clown car to drag the enemy down, pulling it slightly off-balance.
05:34What's that supposed to mean?
05:35Am I not good enough for you?
05:39Ignoring Daisy's furious retorts, Bowser craftily piloted his clown car in a spiral to throw
05:45Daisy off his tail, then hovered out of reach to survey the battle.
05:50Cowering under the table, Luigi heard a familiar screech.
05:54He emerged from behind the tablecloth just as Daisy lost her grip on the clown car above
05:59them, hurtling to the hard marble stone floor below.
06:03Without thinking, Luigi stumbled forward and caught her, breaking her fall.
06:09The force of the impact knocked Luigi flat on his back, his head cracking against the
06:13wooden table behind him on the way down.
06:17Daisy winced and rubbed her tailbone before spotting her rescuer.
06:20Oh, Luigi, you saved me!
06:23You were a man among men!
06:25Overcome with joy, Daisy ran her fingers through Luigi's hair, sending his hat flying
06:30as she kissed him full on the lips.
06:33As she finished the kiss, Luigi's head fell back limply, his eyes dazed, a goofy smile
06:39on his face.
06:40Luigi, speak to me!
06:42Daisy pressed her ear to his chest, realized he wasn't breathing, and immediately began
06:47performing CPR.
06:51Luigi was floating in an ocean of blackness.
06:53Then, a shining light appeared above him.
06:56He started to swim towards it.
06:58A beautiful voice echoed from the light.
07:00Luigi, can you hear my voice?
07:04Luigi's mustache trembled, his eyes watered as he looked up in awe.
07:08Who's there?
07:09A glittering hand emerged from the light, as though beckoning him.
07:13It's me, Luigi!
07:15Luigi reached out for the delicate fingers.
07:17Are you an angel?
07:20The angelic hand slapped him sharply across the face.
07:23Wake up, Luigi!
07:25Luigi snapped awake.
07:27He had a fleeting sense that he was drowning, before a blast of sweet air filled his lungs.
07:32Daisy pulled away from him, her eyes shut tight and brimming tears.
07:37Don't you dare die on me, Luigi!
07:39I never!
07:40I never got to say!
07:42No, Daisy!
07:43Luigi stuttered.
07:45Daisy's eyes popped open.
07:46Luigi, how dare you stare me like that!
07:50Daisy kissed him so forcefully, Luigi flailed his arms, desperate for air again.
07:56As she finished the smooch with a pop, Daisy ruffled Luigi's hair gently.
08:00You'll never guess what happened!
08:03You just saved my life!
08:04Oh, you were my hero!
08:07Luigi had a sneaking suspicion they had forgotten something important, but before he could interject,
08:12Daisy kissed him again.
08:14As the battle raged around them, Luigi decided that whatever it was he was trying to remember,
08:19it could probably wait.
08:22Kammy Koopa desperately flew after her master, pleading with him to listen.
08:27But either Bowser couldn't hear her nagging voice above the din of the battle below, or
08:31he didn't care.
08:33Unable to locate Princess Peach in the chaos, Bowser spotted an equally tempting target
08:38and zoomed towards it, leaving Kammy choking on his exhaust.
08:41Mario!
08:42You poser!
08:43Quit muscling in on my turf!
08:47Why can't you ever catch a hint?
08:49As the last of the Royal Toad Guards was knocked out, Mario held off a troop of Koopas on his
08:54own, kicking one into a line of Goombas to create a path of escape for a group of widows
09:00and orphans.
09:01At the sound of Bowser's voice, Mario met his enemy's eyes with a silent stare, his
09:06face set.
09:11Bowser hesitated.
09:12Oh!
09:13Still doing the strong, silent type stick!
09:17Let's passe, these days.
09:19Chicks dig a guy who's emotionally vulnerable and open.
09:22I think that's what my date coach said before I had him thrown in the dungeon, anyway.
09:29Oh!
09:30Ignoring Bowser's bloviations, Mario jumped onto the smashed remains of the dining room
09:34table to gain height, then made a leap at Bowser's clown car.
09:38But the red-blooded, red-hatted Italian stallion fell short by an inch, his fingers sliding
09:44against the smooth surface of the flying machine.
09:47Mario tucked and rolled to break his fall, then ran a wide circle through the melee,
09:52downing Bowser's soldiers as he sought another way to gain height.
09:56Bowser shook his fist as he spun in midair.
09:59You mustachioed mook!
10:01You're gonna scoff the paint job!
10:04Old Kammy Koopa finally caught her breath, and managed to wheeze out, almost piteously.
10:10Your horribleness, the crown, remember the crown?
10:14She pointed weakly to the crown of Queen Toadstool, still resting untouched in the
10:19middle of the war-torn remains of the dining room.
10:22Unfortunately, Bowser caught sight of another crown, resting on the head of another princess,
10:27wearing a tell-tale pink ballroom gown.
10:30There could be no mistake this time, Bowser nearly fell out of his clown car, as he dove
10:35forward, and grasped Peach under the shoulders to lift her up.
10:38My Peachy Weechy!
10:42As Bowser felt two gloved fists slam into his face in a familiar one-two-three combo,
10:47he dropped Princess Peach, feeling ringing in his ears, along with a strange sense of
10:51deja vu.
10:52Oh, where did you learn to do that?
10:56Peach stepped lightly back from her unwanted suitor, before dashing to a decorative suit
11:00of armor to pull a sword from its sheath.
11:03Dizzy's been encouraging me to take up boxing, though to be honest I much prefer fencing.
11:08Bowser shrugged.
11:09Oh, I'm on Peachy again!
11:12We both know how this works.
11:14I'm basically invincible, even without a power-up, so you play hard to get, but we
11:20both know that eventually.
11:22Swallowing a red mushroom from the dinner table, Mario leapt into the air, knocking
11:26Kammy Koopa off her broomstick as she tried to intercept him.
11:30Bowser was finally in reach.
11:32The mushroom's power activated, doubling Mario's height and muscle mass, just as his boot landed
11:38on Bowser's skull.
11:40Bowser's nose slammed against the edge of his car, leaving him with a bloody nose.
11:44Arrgh!
11:45No fair!
11:46You guys always gang up on me, whined Bowser, as his overwhelming army of loyal minions
11:53ganged up on his enemies.
11:55Smoke flared from Bowser's nostrils.
11:57It's not fair!
11:59Why don't I have someone by my side to help me out of a jam?
12:03Someone I can rely on!
12:06Kammy Koopa's arthritic bones trembled as she picked herself back up from the floor.
12:10Lord Bowser, the plan?
12:13You must tease the crown of Queen Pinsu in order to-
12:17With a roar, Bowser turned on his wise counselor and blasted her with his fiery breath.
12:22Silence, crown!
12:23Can't you see I'm expressing my deeply felt needs and my own personal truth here?
12:30Kammy swayed back and forth dangerously before coughing up a puff of smoke.
12:34Yes, me lord!
12:37As the wizened witch slumped forward and collapsed, Bowser caught sight of the ancient crown in
12:42the midst of the sound and fury of battle.
12:44Ah-ha!
12:45The crown of Queen Toadstool!
12:48Kammy, you go toward the dodo?
12:50How could you forget?
12:52Peach lunged for Bowser, only for him to twist away, the blade glancing off his shell.
12:57Mario!
12:58Stop him!
12:59He's up to something!
13:00Still feeling the strength of the mushroom's power, Mario grasped Bowser's vehicle in both
13:05hands, and to Bowser's annoyance, Mario was strong enough to keep him from flying off.
13:11With a sly grin, Bowser pressed a red button, labeled, Do Not Press, and an ejector seat
13:17launched him into the air.
13:19Without Bowser's weight, the clown car jerked forward, taking Mario by surprise and knocking
13:24him off balance.
13:26Bowser's trajectory sent him crashing into the pedestal, displaying the ancient crown,
13:31but he arose unscathed, holding the prize in his claws.
13:35Fools!
13:36I don't need to marry Princess Peach to seize control of the Mushroom Kingdom anymore.
13:42You seem something of a geek about the ancient lore of Mushroom Kingdom.
13:47Just a hobby, you understand.
13:50And wouldn't you know it, the first Queen Toadstool was a powerful enchantress, and all of her
13:55magic was stored in her crown.
13:58That's why it was hidden away.
14:00You see, he who wears the crown will gain the power of Queen Toadstool, and, by right
14:06of conquest, the entire Mushroom Kingdom.
14:09As the crown began to glow with magical light, Bowser held it aloft above his head.
14:14In horror, Mario and Peach both made a mad dash towards him, only to trip over something,
14:20Luigi and Daisy, still in one another's tender embrace.
14:24Still covered in lipstick, Luigi snapped his head up, taking in the scene around him.
14:29Oh, I knew we forgot something important, Bowser guffawed as he slammed the crown down
14:35over his skull with force.
14:37Oh, don't worry, Peach Fuzz, I'll still have you once I'm your rightful king.
14:42A radiant light erupted from the crown, engulfing Bowser in pink flames that shot upwards to
14:48the sky, ripping a hole through the stone ceiling.
14:51Everyone, friend and enemy alike, shielded their eyes in terror as Bowser's deep, booming,
14:58hideous laughter rose over the rushing whirlwind.
15:01Then, as the flames dissipated, Bowser's voice cracked.
15:07Bloody asthma!
15:09He laughed again, but this time, it was different.
15:12Bowser's laugh was high-pitched, almost musical.
15:15Bow before me, I'm Bowser, Queen of the Koopas.
15:18Keph, pardon me, I meant king.
15:20Of course, I'm Bowser, Queen of Mushroom Kingdom.
15:24As he tried to introduce himself as King of Mushroom Kingdom, only to instead hear the
15:28word queen, Bowser felt his throat, then looked down to examine himself.
15:34He was dressed in an elegant, black ballgown, and his hands had too many fingers.
15:39No one spoke.
15:41Before them was a beautiful woman, whose face and blonde hair gave her a striking family
15:45resemblance to Princess Peach.
15:47But her eyebrows were thick, her teeth and nails dangerously sharp, and she had a turtle
15:52shell and tail.
15:54Peach lifted her sword, gritting her teeth.
15:57Bowser, what's your idiotic scheme this time?
16:00What's the point of that silly discuss if you were going to announce yourself?
16:03Daisy struggled to disentangle herself from the dogpile, blushing as she realized she
16:08and Luigi had been distracted from the brawl.
16:11What disguise?
16:12Waluigi?
16:13Do we need to kick her butt?
16:15Peach gestured her sword, annoyed.
16:17Daisy, that's dust Bowser.
16:19Don't be fool.
16:21He must have gotten Kame to put an illusion on him or something.
16:24Daisy pointed desperately.
16:25Peach, watch out!
16:26Seeing an opportunity, Bowser dove for Peach's sword arm and rested the hilt from her grasp,
16:33then grasped Peach around the waist, planning to pick her up like he always did.
16:37Mario leapt up to intervene, but before he could, Peach used a judo throw to toss her
16:43assailant to the ground with such ease, it surprised even her.
16:48As Bowser lay on the ground gasping, Daisy pumped a fist.
16:51A girl, Peach!
16:53A perfectip in tsunage!
16:55Just make sure you pay more attention to your surroundings next time!
16:59You totally let him sneak up on you!
17:02Annoyed, Peach was about to chew Daisy out, but at the sight of Daisy exuberantly holding
17:07out her fist, Peach finally cracked a smile and daintily shook Daisy's fist in her hand.
17:14Okay, Peach, next training session we teach you the art of the fist bump!
17:19Mario scratched his head, and now that the battle was over, finally broke his stony silence.
17:24What?
17:25How did you do that, princess?
17:27Bowser weighs over a ton, an illusion shouldn't change it.
17:31They all turned to look as Kamekoopa lifted her head from the floor to wheeze.
17:35Oh no, the crown's magic!
17:38The ancient scrolls said that it contained all the power of the first queen of the Mushroom
17:43Kingdom.
17:44Groaning, Bowser lifted his head from the ground.
17:47Yeah, he who wears the crown shall become king of the Mushroom Kingdom.
17:51That's how you translated it.
17:53Kamekoopa gulped.
17:54Well, King Koop, the ancient language mentioned a queen of the Mushroom Kingdom.
18:02I assumed from the context that the magic conferred the right to the throne upon the
18:07way o'er all, but now I'm wondering if...
18:11Bowser looked down, finally registering his magnificent breasts for the first time.
18:16Strange, all this time he'd wanted to touch boobs, and now here they were, and they were
18:22horrible.
18:23You turned me into a woman.
18:24Change me back, right now, Kame!
18:26Steam billowing from his nostrils, Bowser crawled toward Kamekoopa on all fours and
18:31shook her, his hair blazing from blonde to vivid red, and his pale skin darkening to
18:36a golden brown, similar to his old scales.
18:40Kame's head rattled like a cowbell.
18:42But my lady, your ferociousness!
18:46I don't perceive such magic.
18:49The queen of the Mushroom Kingdom was the greatest enchantress of the millennium.
18:54Seething, Bowser dropped Kame and yanked at the crown on his head, only to find it stuck
18:59tight.
19:00Pulling until veins appeared on his arm muscles, Bowser yanked the crown off his skull.
19:05With a soft pop, Bowser expanded into his original, macho, turtlish self.
19:11Ha ha, that was easy.
19:13The king is back, baby.
19:15Now, forget this stupid thing.
19:17I know what I really want.
19:20Tossing the crown aside in disgust, Bowser trundled towards Princess Peach, knocking
19:25Mario to the floor with a single flick of his finger.
19:28Grasping Peach around her trim, dainty waist, Bowser ignored her adorable little screams
19:34and lifted her up like a toy.
19:36As he turned to retreat, he found himself face to face with Mario, who had scrambled
19:40back to his feet ready for a scrap.
19:43Finally, things were getting back to basics.
19:46Bowser knew this was what he was good at.
19:48He never should have listened to Kame's conspiracy theories about that stupid.
19:53Behind Mario, Bowser saw the crown float into the air and shoot towards his face like a
19:58bullet.
19:59Just as Mario's fist sunk into Bowser's gut, the crown flew back into place on Bowser's
20:03head, and with a poof, Bowser turned into a woman again.
20:07For the first time in his life, Bowser felt how hard Mario could really punch.
20:12Mario!
20:13squealed Luigi as he rushed to Daisy's side.
20:16You hit a woman, what would Mammy say?
20:19Mario paled as he watched Bowser writhe on the ground at his feet.
20:23Instinctively, his blue-collar Italian family values instincts kicked in.
20:27Mamma mia, I'm so sorry, ma'am.
20:31I did not mean to.
20:33Wait, that's Bowser, Luigi, that's not a woman, I think.
20:38Bowser rolled on the ground a couple times, rasping.
20:41Kame, fix this.
20:43By this point, Kame had crawled back to her broom, hoping to make a tactical retreat unnoticed.
20:48Oh, yes, my lord.
20:51It seems that the crown has some unaccepted properties.
20:55It was supposed to act as a sort of magical, legally binding contract.
21:00I'll just hop back home to my library and see what my research can turn up.
21:07Princess Peach, I won't mind hosting our beloved king here for a day or two.
21:14I'll be back to pick you up just as soon as I've found something in Toodaloo.
21:21Kicking her broom until it sputtered into gear like a motorcycle, Kame zipped into the
21:25sky and out the giant hole left in the wall.
21:29Bowser's eyes snapped open.
21:30Magic, of course.
21:31I have all of Queen Toadstool's magic.
21:34Wa-ha-ha-har!
21:35Feel my wrath, hocus-pocus, abracadabra, alakazambippity-boppity-boo.
21:39Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Daisy all leapt into battle stances as sparks flew from Bowser's
21:47fingertips.
21:48Then, with a blast like a rocket, flames leapt from his palms, sending him rocketing backwards
21:54and straight to the stone floor with a crunch.
21:57Mario took a careful step forward to examine his old foe, who was out cold, his eyes spiraling.
22:04Mario picked Bowser up in his arms as easily as he'd ever scooped up Peach.
22:08I suppose we should put in… her, and the rest.
22:12Peach flashed a delightful smile, stepping forward gracefully, with royal poise.
22:17Please, Mario.
22:18Allow me.
22:19Oh, Bowser.
22:20As Peach softly took Bowser's hand in hers, the former king, now queen, of the Koopas,
22:26shook his head to clear his vision, and answered only with an exhausted grunt.
22:31Wha-?
22:32To everyone's surprise, Peach rolled back her head and laughed a deep guffaw.
22:36Hey-hey-hey!
22:37Oh, Bowser, darling, prepare to be kidnapped by me, the evil Peach, Princess Toadstool
22:43of Mushroom Kingdom.
22:45Bowser smiled stupidly, before falling into a stupor.
22:48Peaches, you're kidnapping me!
22:50That's diabolical!
22:51I'm so proud!
22:52Peach bent down to plant a kiss on Mario's nose.
22:56Thank you for humoring me.
22:57Mario, dear, you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.