• last year
Transcript
00:00Hello, in this video, this video is addressed to my twin flame, Cheyenne.
00:07Hi, Cheyenne.
00:08For those just watching, I thank you for watching.
00:12In this video, Cheyenne, I'm going to make one part.
00:16And I recited the Quran yesterday.
00:25If you notice something different about me these past couple of weeks,
00:31I'm getting a little bit sick from reciting the Quran.
00:35I think it's because it's working.
00:40So, also, I got extra sleep these past couple of days.
00:51I was able to lay down because I wasn't getting tortured.
00:55I did get tortured a couple of times, and I started to do the lumarian technology, and it stopped.
01:01So I was able to lay down and fall on and off of sleep until 11.50 a.m.
01:08And that's something that my brain injury has needed so badly,
01:13is sleep, the correct amount of sleep, and I haven't been able to get it.
01:19So, I have some notes here, Cheyenne.
01:24And something that happened yesterday, one of my bras is kind of loose,
01:32and I have your photo here.
01:37It's a little bit on the side.
01:41And yesterday, it kept falling out.
01:43So then I finally just put it on the bed, and then it was blowing around from the fan.
01:48And I just knew that that was kind of you communicating with me,
01:52that you were like, really, really want to talk to me, and you're upset, Cheyenne.
02:01So, I wrote quite a bit of notes.
02:08Actually, no, I didn't.
02:17I'm going to show you the places I live now, Cheyenne.
02:21And this is going to be proof for you and me.
02:24And I didn't say this is going to be proof for me and you.
02:28This is proof that I was running away from a crime against me.
02:33Because I've lived, I've had about 25 different places where I've lived.
02:42So, the average person lives in 11 homes over their lifetime.
02:48And I'm only 38, and I've had like 25 different places that I've lived.
02:53So, I broke it down.
02:55And this isn't perfect notes.
02:57I didn't take pictures of every single place I live, but I have to, like, just kind of show you what I have.
03:04About seven of the places I've lived were for many years with my mother and my brother.
03:17Six years, six places I lived a year or less.
03:28And 12 of the places I lived five months or less.
03:32So, this isn't, like, travel.
03:35This is, like, places I've lived.
03:37So, there's a lack of stability.
03:39And it was extremely stressful to live like this.
03:44It made me sick.
03:46And I'm going to show you.
03:54And part of the reason why I had to live like this was because I couldn't.
04:07I was so physically and mentally tortured, I couldn't hold down a living wage job.
04:15Or I couldn't even apply for a living wage job.
04:18I wasn't allowed.
04:20And the one time I did, it only was for five months.
04:28And I had to work.
04:30I was forced to, like, work.
04:34Well, I was asked and sort of obligated to work over 50 hours, between 50 and 55 hours at that living wage job.
04:44And it was so boring.
04:49And there was no customers.
04:51I was getting S-U-I-C-D-A-L.
04:57So, all of these places I've lived, I'm going to just break it down for you.
05:07And then I'll show you the photographs.
05:10So, between zero and five years old, I live in Goffstown in an apartment complex.
05:19Well, maybe I should show you the photographs.
05:23I'll show you the photograph to kind of make it, like, so you can understand.
05:31And kind of follow along with the visuals.
05:34So, this is Timberwood.
05:41So, that's where I grew up from around one to five years old.
05:481 Timberwood Drive, Unit 302.
05:53Very, very small town.
05:56Very, very small town.
06:00And then I moved to Mast Road.
06:03Goffstown Animal Hospital.
06:06It's now connected to the animal hospital.
06:09So, this is the Mast Road home.
06:12So, my dad and my mom rented a house in Goffstown from five to, like, between five and eight years old.
06:25And this is the Goffstown Animal Hospital.
06:29And this is where I lived, up here in this room right here.
06:36And now they've connected the animal hospital with this house.
06:44See that window? That's where I lived.
06:49And it was a pretty spacious house, but it was old.
06:55And I'll show you the front of what it looks like.
07:16There is a little bit of a backyard with a couple trees.
07:26So, this was 721.
07:33721 Mast Road.
07:37And I'm not going to go into detail about the houses and everything, like, all of the memories and everything.
07:46So, that was an old house. I think it was kind of haunted.
07:55I wouldn't pick any of these places that I lived. I wouldn't pick any of them.
08:00This is the nicest place I've ever lived, not environment-wise.
08:06However, this apartment, because of the cleanliness in the inside, how it's brand new.
08:13And, like, it's all mine, and you're Shia. It's the nicest place.
08:20So, after Mast Road, I moved to Auburn, New Hampshire.
08:27And was forced to live with my mom and dad ex-stepfather, who wasn't a father.
08:36Um, and I'll show you...
08:45Hold on. I didn't say hold on.
08:49Where is the...
08:56So, this is the driveway, 464 Chester Road.
09:01This is the creepy driveway of the... in Auburn, where you can't see the house.
09:08You have to walk a few hundred feet to get to the house, so that alone is very scary, being in the middle of the woods.
09:17See how long this driveway is? You can't see the house.
09:31464 Chester Road.
09:35Hey, where's the... where's the photos of my room?
09:42So, this is what... I'm not going to show you all the photos of it.
09:48However, basically, this is what it looked like from the front.
09:54And I live right... I live right there.
10:01This is a nightmare house. Dungeon house.
10:07This is what the back of the house looked like.
10:14That used to be a little, small pool. In the wintertime, he never closed it. One of his dogs fell in it and froze to death.
10:22And seemed to be on purpose. Seemed to be on purpose. I'm not going to say if that's true or not.
10:30This was my room, so it did not have hardwood floor. They made hardwood floor. It had the most ugliest pink.
10:38Like, really tacky, cheapest, ugliest pink.
10:43This was my room.
10:45See... see this opening? This piece of fabric flap covering this area?
10:53This was never closed off. There was a long, dark, tunnel-ish area where you could store things.
11:01Where it was not capable of a seat because... I was never told where the lights were to how to turn them on.
11:11This flap was a nightmare because this long tunnel... I was told people were living in there to try to survive.
11:22I was told there was things that were going to jump out. There was, like, animals that were going to crawl out.
11:30There was going to be someone hiding in there to try to kill me and come out. I could never close it off.
11:36It was just layers and layers of fabric.
11:40And I actually did write several pages about this little... thing.
11:46However, that's not a door. That's not a door. This is...
11:52That's like... like... not... like, that doesn't go way up as a door.
12:00The way it's cut off with the picture, it looks like it's like a whole door. It's not. It's like... this high.
12:09And you can crawl in. It's like this long tunnel that's, like, not... like, full of dust and all. Like, unfinished.
12:18And... ow, I'm getting itchy.
12:22I'm getting itchy.
12:24I'll have to explain that more about what that room... what that... what they... how they used that.
12:31But this is the other part of the room. That was the closet.
12:37And I fit my bed here. I fit my bed... I literally put my bed in every single position.
12:44And I was forced to put my mattress... I was forced to put my mattress in front of this, on the side of this.
12:52And I... it was saying... it was because I was trying to block it so if someone were to try to come in, it would be blocked by the bed.
13:03But that was the only part. I didn't block it all the time.
13:07I've had my mattress here. I've had my mattress here. I've had my mattress here. I've had my mattress here.
13:12I've had my mattress... like, everywhere.
13:19So, I'll explain more about that room another time.
13:26However, this...
13:34But this stove...
13:37This stove, I think, is different because this went all the way up.
13:43This didn't just go into the chimney, from what I remember.
13:57This doesn't really look like the wood stove that... I think they got a new wood stove.
14:07But this is one of the worst places I've ever lived.
14:15And very tacky, gaudy.
14:18This was the bathroom that I always used.
14:21There's the bathtub under there.
14:24Tacky, gaudy, like, 80s...
14:3180s kind of decoration.
14:37So, that was Auburn. So, I lived in Temple at the Mass Road.
14:42So, after Auburn, I moved to...
14:47Well, between middle school and high school, my mom split up from Joe.
14:53We moved to Hooksick, Granite Hill, condominiums.
14:59And I just took a photo of the sign because I was getting really tired of taking all the photos of these places.
15:07And I had to Google Map everything and then search for the house.
15:16And obviously, this was... Hold on.
15:30Granite Hill was a nice place. The condo was pretty nice. I had a big room.
15:34But I just had a bed and a desk without a chair.
15:47I would never really pick these homes, but this is what Granite Hill on Hooksick Road...
15:59It was nice. It was a pretty nice place to live.
16:05However...
16:08So then, we went back to Auburn. My mom went back to live with...
16:16Well, I never called him my stepfather, my stepdad. He was just Joe.
16:21And I hate that name. I'll hate that name for the rest of my life.
16:25Not like other people named Joe. However, I'll hate that name.
16:32Then, from Auburn, I graduated from high school.
16:37And then...
16:42I think I was... I think...
16:49It's a little bit of a blur when I lived in Hooksick and then when my...
16:56It's a little bit of a blur when I lived in Hooksick and then when my mom went back to live in Auburn.
17:06However...
17:11Then I went off to college in San Francisco. I lived in three college dorms.
17:16Sort of like in between the Tenderloin, which is a very bad area, and Knob Hill, which is a nice area.
17:24And...
17:27I was pretty sheltered my whole life, so when I went to school, I basically just...
17:36hung out with my roommates or whoever else was near, around, and did my work.
17:46I was... So, I'm not going to talk about...
17:50college, but I lived in three different places in college.
17:56I had the first dorm. I lived with two other girls who became my friends.
18:05And then... At the time.
18:08And then, the second college dorm was...
18:14a bigger room with one, two, three other girls.
18:23And then, I think the last dorm I lived in was a private room.
18:32And I was pretty... I had a lot of solitude in that room.
18:38I don't know why I never went to the kitchen, though.
18:41I remember microwaving pasta in my microwave...
18:44boiling pasta in my microwave, and it was constantly spilling over.
18:49So...
18:53With the college dorms, those were less than a year.
18:56Just like...
18:59partial fall, winter, and spring, summer, season.
19:03Partial fall, winter, and spring, summer, season.
19:07And... So, that was like three years.
19:10However, I really... I took online courses after that, on my own, in my early, late twenties.
19:21When I lived in Maplehurst with my mom and my brother,
19:24I started to take up online classes to try to finish my degree.
19:28I had to stop somehow.
19:31And then, I tried to take online classes again when I was twenty-eight.
19:39And then, somehow, I had to... I... And then, I had to stop, because I couldn't...
19:44I didn't have the time, and I was... At the time, I was...
19:48trying to work a full-time job and pay my room that I was renting, an apartment.
19:54So...
19:57So, after college, I lived... I went back and lived with my mother in Auburn, in... in jail.
20:06And...
20:09Then, they split up, finally.
20:14And me and my mom and brother went and lived on the west side, in a little shitty apartment,
20:20in a very ghetto-ish area.
20:23And...
20:26In the west side of Manchester.
20:29This was probably one of the ugliest places I've lived in.
20:34Very bad time for...
20:38Just felt awful.
20:41I was really feeling sick. But this was the outside of...
20:47This is what it looked like, where me and my mom and brother lived.
20:52I was right there. That was my room.
20:57Wait, no.
21:02No, this was my room, right here.
21:14This is the front of the apartment. It was a three-apartment complex.
21:20So, there was three floors. We were on the third floor.
21:23Third floor. This was a very bad time.
21:31And this is what it looked like from the side, getting in.
21:35So, we'd get... We'd go up here, through the stairs, and go up here.
21:42I just... I never liked west side of Manchester, my whole life, either.
21:48And, I'll show you.
21:51The kitchen was really, really small.
21:54I had absolutely no appetite in this kitchen.
22:01This was my room where I lived. It was less than a half a year or so.
22:06Or, I believe.
22:09When we moved into... My mom rented a house.
22:13But I put my bed right there. This was a very bad time.
22:17And then... So, I lived here.
22:20In this room, my brother lived there.
22:23And my mom lived sort of in the front, and this off to the side.
22:28This was the living room, and then there was a little room off to the side that was wicked small that she lived in.
22:34She was sleeping on the floor.
22:40I don't really know why she didn't bring the bed. It was probably because it... I don't know.
22:46So, that was a temporary place.
22:49So, after we lived there, she found a place in Mabelhurst.
22:58This was the Mabelhurst house.
23:01We lived there for several years.
23:05And, just a reminder, my brother...
23:09He's been very sick, like living in his room.
23:14Going out in the other common areas, very little, for like 20 years.
23:20He's had a very bad life.
23:23And something's going to happen because he didn't get any help from anybody.
23:29I obviously... I was his sister, and I had absolutely no...
23:34I was completely full-body possession.
23:36I was completely full-body possession.
23:39However, they didn't really help my brother.
23:45So, this was... My mom...
23:48Well, my mom's sick, too.
23:51This was the Mabelhurst house. All of these places are pretty ugly.
23:55This is, like, because it had no roof. It's just a flat, flat...
23:59It had a flat roof.
24:02And it had cement on the ground. That's, like, the basement area.
24:07Because they... And then...
24:10I lived in the back corner.
24:13This was a nice place, though, on the inside.
24:16And the pictures are way better looking than what it looked.
24:25But this was 214 Mabelhurst F.
24:30And...
24:38This was where... This was the back of the house.
24:42And we'd pretty much go back in here.
24:45Walk up these stairs and walk in through the back way.
24:48Because the driveway was bigger.
24:53So, this was...
24:56So, this was...
24:59I lived in the front with the front area.
25:03And then I moved up back here in this...
25:06No.
25:08I lived... This is the back.
25:11I lived in this room.
25:13But I lived in the front here first with my own bathroom.
25:20But then I moved there because we had to start renting out the rooms to people.
25:23We'd just, like, go on Craigslist and put ads,
25:27there's a room for rent.
25:30And they'd all just kept to themselves.
25:37So, that was Mabelhurst.
25:41That's the house where I started the online courses.
25:45Tried to finish my degree, but it didn't work out.
25:49I was getting extremely brutally tortured in that house.
25:53So, the torture, that became more obvious.
25:57This was the house where the hacker started to make it obvious.
26:03This is where the hacker revealed himself to me.
26:07And in that shitty apartment in Westside,
26:10I was, like, wicked possessed.
26:13Like, wicked sick.
26:15Couldn't work a job. Like, so sick.
26:19Like, my brother was wicked sick.
26:21My mom was wicked sick.
26:25And then when we moved to this house,
26:30she ended up having to file for bankruptcy, I think, on this place.
26:39But this was probably the nicest place I ever lived with my mom.
26:47Because it was pretty new and clean inside.
26:49But she could barely afford the rent.
26:54And my brother did help.
26:57I wasn't allowed to really make a living wage.
27:02And so, if I was working retail,
27:05I was just making little bits of money here and there
27:08for maybe some clothes, some food.
27:12So, after, we had to end up leaving this house
27:19and moving to Moskoma Lake.
27:23Now, the good thing about Moskoma Lake
27:27was that she was renting in Lebanon.
27:30No, not Lebanon.
27:34Enfield. E-N-F-I-E-L-D.
27:39So, Enfield, I'll show you.
27:43So, we left Maplehurst.
27:47And when I was living in Maplehurst,
27:51I ended up moving...
27:55Oh, I forgot about that place.
27:58I rented a room from this girl.
28:01I was living off the floor on a twin mattress
28:05and didn't have any furniture.
28:08Not even a desk.
28:12That was really embarrassing for a few months.
28:17In Manchester.
28:20And...
28:23I don't remember the street of that.
28:26She ended up wanting to go back to school
28:28and go live with her parents
28:31to do something else, a different profession.
28:35So, I don't even know...
28:38So, I left Maplehurst and lived in this room.
28:42And it was very, very embarrassing.
28:45I was getting extremely tortured.
28:47I was basically just bouncing around.
28:49But she had to...
28:51I didn't really have a notice.
28:53I had two weeks to try to find a place.
28:55I couldn't find a place for the amount of...
28:58I was only paying $400 for that room.
29:01So, I couldn't find anything cheaper.
29:03So, then I went and lived in my car that I had.
29:06And that was in a freezing winter.
29:09And at that time, I was working at
29:12Joanne Fabrics and
29:16Ellie Tahari and Merrimack Outlets.
29:19And I didn't know anything about living in a vehicle.
29:22I thought you could car camp in
29:26grocery store parking lots, hotel parking lots.
29:29So, I did meet several police
29:33that were knocking at my window saying,
29:35you got to move along, you got to move along.
29:37But they weren't mean to me.
29:39And they probably recognized me.
29:41And I didn't know that they knew who I was
29:44probably at the time.
29:46So, that was extreme. I was getting frostbite.
29:48I wasn't allowed to get proper bedding
29:50when I was living in my car.
29:53And...
29:56So, I forgot about...
29:59So, there's more than 25 places that I lived.
30:04But I was...
30:07Then, when I was living in my car,
30:10I found on Craigslist this girl
30:13who wanted to make a fashion show.
30:15I met her. We did not get along.
30:17She was, like, wicked confusing.
30:20And, like, just...
30:22We couldn't communicate.
30:24It was, like, impossible.
30:26There could have been something wrong with her.
30:28So, then I'm, like, okay...
30:30Well, I was possessed to continue...
30:32to continue making the fashion show.
30:35And...
30:38Basically, it wasn't a good idea
30:40because I ended up being, like,
30:42$1,000 in debt
30:43that I still never paid off.
30:45Those credit cards...
30:48That's basically the only debt that I own, though,
30:50right at this point.
30:52And they've...
30:54So, it really made my credit very poor.
30:56And I have all these programs of...
30:58I'm gonna, like, die
31:00or, like, have extreme panic attacks
31:02if I owe people debt.
31:04But $1,000 really isn't that much money.
31:08But after that fashion show,
31:10that was a totally rigged program
31:13to make me want to K-I-L-L myself.
31:16I went back and lived with my mom.
31:18And...
31:20At Maplehurst,
31:22the house I just showed you.
31:24So, then...
31:26We moved to Muscoma Lake.
31:28Muscoma Lake was nice
31:30because it was right on a lake.
31:32However, it was full of mold.
31:34I should have...
31:36They didn't...
31:37I should have lived in the sunroom
31:39and not that attic.
31:41The attic's not even...
31:43This attic...
31:45So, this...
31:47125
31:49New Hampshire Route 4A.
31:52125
31:54New Hampshire Route 4A
31:56in Enfield.
31:58This was the place.
32:00And, yes, it was nice
32:02because it was on a lake.
32:04However,
32:05I had to live
32:07up here.
32:10And it was not...
32:12It was not furnished.
32:14Like, it wasn't...
32:16It was all exposed.
32:18Like, beams of dusty
32:20wood.
32:22And they don't even show it
32:24on the listings.
32:26Basically,
32:28this is the opposite side
32:30of where I lived.
32:32See how it has that?
32:33And see how you can't stand up?
32:35I couldn't really stand up
32:37in the room
32:39that I was living in.
32:41I mean...
32:43But this wasn't even this area.
32:45This was so dusty and moldy.
32:47I wouldn't have been able to...
32:49too claustrophobic to live there.
32:51But I lived on the other side.
32:53And that was with an air mattress.
32:56Basically, an air mattress
32:58and clothes.
32:59That's all I had.
33:01But this was
33:03where the stairs...
33:05This is where the kitchen was.
33:07I was right up here.
33:09And there was so much
33:11humiliation,
33:13rituals,
33:14and so much evil going on.
33:16And some of the photos
33:18are my mother's
33:20decorations of
33:22of what...
33:25Some of the photos online
33:27are my mother's
33:29decorations.
33:31But this is not
33:33my mother's decorations.
33:35This is not...
33:36This was a photo
33:38from probably the past
33:39that they used.
33:41My mom would never buy
33:43polka dot bedding.
33:45She has a little bit of a...
33:50I don't know.
33:52A little bit bohemian.
33:54But this was the front door.
33:58It just...
34:00It was cold inside
34:01with the bricks.
34:03And the attic was
34:05unlivable in the summer
34:06because it was so hot.
34:07Unlivable
34:09in the winter.
34:10There was a little sunroom
34:11and I did a lot of sewing.
34:13But I was so physically
34:15tortured in this house.
34:17I was so physically tortured
34:19in all these houses
34:21and barely able to work
34:22a part-time job.
34:23I was...
34:24And when I did work
34:25the part-time jobs,
34:26it was so labor intensive.
34:28I was dying
34:29from the labor intensity.
34:32So,
34:33after Muscova Lake,
34:36then I got that
34:37high-paying job
34:38for five months
34:39and lived in that
34:414 Ela Street.
34:45Basically,
34:46when I got that
34:47really high-paying job,
34:48every single penny
34:50was stolen
34:51from the witchcraft.
34:53And I was literally
34:54counting my pennies
34:55at the end of the month.
34:57And I was working overtime
34:59making $55,000,
35:02working overtime
35:03because I was asked to.
35:05I was offered.
35:07And every single penny...
35:09I could barely
35:11pay the car bill
35:14to give to my mom
35:15because she was paying...
35:17she was dealing
35:18with the car payment.
35:19I could barely
35:20send my mom
35:21the $200-something
35:23every month
35:24because all the money
35:26was just being
35:27taken from me.
35:30And,
35:31should I have gotten
35:32that apartment?
35:33No,
35:34I should have
35:35stayed living
35:36in that attic.
35:37However,
35:40this apartment,
35:41I was also
35:42getting tortured.
35:43It was completely
35:44unfurnished.
35:45It was completely
35:46embarrassing.
35:47It was like
35:48$1,000 a month
35:49which was like
35:50a third of...
35:51And,
35:52by the way,
35:53I've never made
35:54that kind of money
35:55in my entire life.
35:56I was totally set up
35:57to make me feel
35:58like a complete idiot.
36:00It was brain-dead work.
36:01I was basically
36:02cleaning the whole time
36:04in an empty store
36:0550 hours a week
36:07and standing around
36:09and folding clothes
36:12where you didn't even
36:13have to fold the clothes.
36:14Everything was so
36:15neat and perfect.
36:17And that was
36:18some kind of
36:19S-U-I-C-D-A-L
36:20programming.
36:22So,
36:24let me show you
36:25the Fort Elah apartment.
36:27Did I like
36:28living in this
36:29Fort Elah apartment?
36:31No,
36:32because
36:33they were using...
36:35I was being
36:36attacked really bad
36:37and...
36:39Hold on.
36:40Where's...
36:56This is what
36:57Timberwood apartments
36:58looked like
37:01when I was like
37:02zero to five years old.
37:05That was a nice
37:06little apartment complex
37:07because it was pretty new.
37:10This was the...
37:11I never would
37:12choose to live
37:13in a house like this,
37:14but this was
37:15the first thing
37:16I found
37:17and I was basically
37:18forced to not
37:19look around.
37:20Basically,
37:21I lived in that...
37:22There's a big house
37:23and they're all
37:24split up
37:25into apartments
37:26and I lived
37:27right in this
37:28bottom floor.
37:29There was a couple
37:30that lived
37:31above me
37:32and they tend
37:33to do that,
37:35put me
37:36around
37:38couples
37:39to make me
37:40uncomfortable.
37:42So,
37:43that was where
37:44I lived
37:45and I was
37:46forced to
37:47live in
37:48that apartment
37:49and that was
37:50where I lived
37:51down on this floor.
37:52It was really cute.
37:53Basically,
37:55I took a really
37:56boiling hot bath
37:57and turned
37:58lobster red
37:59every single time.
38:00They had me
38:01turn on the oven
38:02and leave on
38:03the gas
38:04to try to kill me
38:05with the oven
38:06gasoline.
38:08They were trying
38:10to
38:13show people
38:14how easy it was
38:15to break in
38:16when one of my
38:17family members
38:18left my key
38:19and one of my
38:20family members
38:21just basically
38:22opened the window
38:23very easily
38:25and it would be
38:26too hot to
38:27lock and close
38:28the windows
38:29because I had
38:30no A.C.
38:33So,
38:34that was
38:35five months,
38:36not even five months
38:37living there.
38:38It was like four months
38:39probably.
38:40No, probably
38:41five months maybe.
38:44Then,
38:46couldn't afford
38:47this apartment.
38:48Moved to
38:50Mount Shasta.
38:51Lived in my car.
38:55Something really,
38:56really bad happened
38:58where I was
38:59put in a mental
39:00institution
39:01and then my mom
39:02drove me,
39:03dragged me back
39:04to New Hampshire.
39:06Then I went,
39:07drove down to
39:09visit my dad.
39:10Not welcome
39:11living at my dad's.
39:13Just not comfortable
39:14and it was obvious
39:15that they were
39:16making it uncomfortable
39:17for me.
39:18Yeah,
39:19I was just always
39:20treated like a little
39:21child,
39:22little dumb child.
39:23No job,
39:24no life.
39:25Just
39:26completely lost.
39:27Nowhere to go.
39:29No family,
39:30no lifestyle.
39:32Then I lived
39:33and worked at,
39:34I skipped
39:35a few things.
39:36I didn't,
39:37I lived in
39:38Shivananda
39:39Yoga Center.
39:41I lived in
39:42the Michigan Yoga Center
39:43and I lived in the,
39:45in the Bhavana Center
39:46in West Virginia.
39:48And that was like
39:49five months each.
39:51So,
39:53I have to
39:54try to remember
39:55how I lived,
39:57when I lived
39:58in those places.
40:01But the Mount Shasta,
40:04and I went back,
40:05we lived at the,
40:06we lived at the
40:07Bhavana Society
40:08and moved back.
40:09Then basically
40:10I was forced
40:11to kind of leave
40:12because
40:13I was,
40:14it was so labor intensive.
40:16My arms were like
40:17three times the size
40:18of my,
40:19my body.
40:22And I was having like
40:23heart attack symptoms
40:24and
40:26it was,
40:27I,
40:28I was going to die
40:29if I kept,
40:30kept up the pace
40:31of what I,
40:32what I was doing.
40:33So then I went
40:34to Mount Shasta,
40:35lived in my car.
40:36I thought I was going to
40:37do some
40:38camping.
40:39It,
40:40I had some of the most
40:41unbearable panic attacks
40:42when I pitched a tent.
40:44Very cheap tent
40:45that was kind of
40:46falling apart.
40:47Then
40:49I,
40:52I was,
40:53I was hospital,
40:55then I had to go to
40:56the hospital again.
40:59No,
41:00I went to the hospital
41:02and then I had to
41:03walk around
41:04and act like,
41:05in like
41:06freezing cold weather
41:07and act like I,
41:08and I couldn't,
41:09wasn't allowed to
41:11So then
41:13I ended up
41:14moving,
41:15finally moving
41:16to Dunsmuir.
41:18This isn't like
41:19the perfect time.
41:20I'm not explaining it
41:21well enough.
41:22I finally,
41:23I finally,
41:24I,
41:25I did take trips
41:26to back to
41:27see my mom
41:29and like
41:30take a break
41:31from living in the car
41:32like three or four times.
41:34But then I finally
41:35came back out
41:37and I found this place
41:38in Dunsmuir
41:41and I lived there
41:42in Dunsmuir
41:44and I was thinking
41:45how in,
41:46I was only paying
41:47$500 a month.
41:48I ended up being able
41:49to finish my book.
41:51I basically just sat in there
41:52and finished
41:53and edited my book
41:54the whole time
41:55and then I started
41:56to try to promote
41:57the fashion
41:58with,
41:59on Instagram
42:00with posting lots of
42:01photos of myself.
42:05And
42:06then
42:08but that was,
42:09I,
42:10I had a couple,
42:11couple,
42:12it was like
42:13a bed and breakfast
42:14at their Airbnb
42:15but then they
42:16stopped because of
42:17coronavirus
42:18and they,
42:19so they started
42:20renting rooms
42:21and the two other girls
42:22didn't like me.
42:23One of them told me
42:24to kill myself
42:25and I think it was
42:26set up because
42:27one of them
42:29was a
42:30girl
42:31from India
42:32who was like
42:33a Bollywood
42:34star
42:36and I didn't look
42:37her up on the internet.
42:38Basically,
42:40like I,
42:41she didn't really
42:42act like
42:45she was like a
42:47famous
42:49actress
42:50but that was
42:51completely set up
42:52to make me feel
42:53very uncomfortable
42:55because of the programs
42:56that were occurring.
42:57But those two
42:58started to gang up
42:59on me.
43:01They were trying
43:02to get me kicked out
43:03and
43:05I just was
43:06leaving them alone
43:07and just working on
43:08editing my book
43:09and
43:10she wanted
43:11advice because
43:12she didn't have a car
43:13and I refused
43:14because of so many
43:15strokes I had.
43:16I didn't trust
43:17the safety level.
43:18I didn't trust
43:19that I could drive
43:20with,
43:21drive someone around
43:22so I said,
43:23no,
43:24I'm not going to
43:26and that's when
43:27they started
43:28to be mean
43:29but they,
43:30they started,
43:31the other one was
43:32like just this old
43:33past middle-aged
43:34lady that was
43:36just
43:38was pissed off
43:39because I had
43:40the nicer room
43:41but she was
43:42paying less rent.
43:43Just a bunch of drama
43:44and
43:45I just kind of
43:46wanted to be left alone
43:47but I was getting
43:48severely tortured
43:49in that,
43:50everywhere I went.
43:51So after Dunsmere
43:53they stopped,
43:55they wanted to,
43:57we all had to leave
43:58because
43:59they wanted to
44:00rent it out to like
44:01just one person
44:02and turn it into
44:03an apartment
44:05and so
44:06I tried to get
44:07that place
44:09in
44:12Yreka
44:14but what was a dump
44:15and full of cockroaches
44:16and so then
44:17I drove down
44:19to Southern California
44:20and lived in my car
44:21for a couple years.
44:23Visited my mom
44:24a couple times
44:25because my leg
44:28at the time
44:29the doctor didn't tell me
44:30it was an infection.
44:32It was just a mystery
44:33that was going on
44:34in my leg.
44:36So I had
44:37an infection
44:38in my leg
44:39that the doctor
44:40refused to tell me
44:42but I could barely walk
44:44and it was all swollen
44:45and I was like
44:47using crutches,
44:49barely moving
44:50out of the car
44:51so I went
44:52and lived with my
44:53mom to try
44:54and get off my leg
44:55for a couple months
44:56and that's when
44:57I ended up
44:58being able to
44:59get this place
45:00and
45:04then I've been here
45:05now for two
45:06and a half years
45:08but I forgot
45:09to tell you about
45:10New York City.
45:11I lived in Astoria
45:12and Jersey City
45:14around
45:152014.
45:18Astoria a few months
45:19Jersey City a few months
45:20and then I quit school
45:22and I had that
45:23little part-time job
45:25at Mart
45:26on Mart
45:28where there was
45:29barely any customers
45:30it was wicked
45:31S-U-I-C-D-A-L
45:32boring
45:33and I was just
45:35basically walking around
45:36for hours and hours
45:37at a time.
45:39It was so boring
45:40and
45:42I was traveling
45:43three hours
45:44for that job
45:45three hours a day
45:47so I had to quit
45:48that job
45:49leave Jersey City
45:50and my mom
45:51picked me up
45:52on all my belongings.
45:55I think my dad
45:56did come out
45:57at one point
45:58and bought me some
46:01things at
46:02Walmart
46:04or Target
46:05he bought me like
46:06a bath mat
46:07and some living essentials
46:08I remember that
46:09I remember he did that
46:11but then a few months later
46:12I went back and lived with my mom
46:16and I lived with my dad
46:17for a few months
46:18when he was
46:19him and his
46:20second wife
46:21Diane were living
46:22together in this apartment
46:24I lived with my dad
46:25for like
46:26I don't know
46:27a year
46:28or longer
46:29when I was living
46:30in high school
46:31when I was in high school
46:32and
46:35I lived in my car
46:37and I lived in
46:38Oregon retreat
46:39for a few months
46:40no
46:41for a few weeks
46:42but I had to leave
46:43because I was
46:44pretty much dying
46:45my spirit was like
46:46lifting out of my body
46:47and I was pretty much
46:48dying
46:49so I went back
46:50home then
46:52so I was constantly
46:53trying to
46:54do the live and work
46:55trade retreats
46:56trying to get away
46:57and stop living
46:58with my mom
47:00however
47:01those live and work
47:02trade retreats
47:03were so labor intensive
47:07it was
47:08extremely painful
47:09and they had
47:10like
47:11you had to get up
47:12at like 5, 6, 7
47:13a.m. every day
47:14because of the
47:15religious
47:17them being
47:18religious meditation
47:19retreats
47:20and I was getting
47:21so sick
47:22so painful
47:23it was torture
47:24so
47:27in the Berkley place
47:29I lived in Berkley
47:30I didn't explain this
47:32well enough
47:34when I went and lived
47:35in Berkley
47:36that was the time
47:37where I was
47:38taking those
47:39online courses
47:41and
47:45then I went to Berkley
47:46I think
47:48to
47:49I went to Berkley
47:50California
47:54during the time
47:55my mom was living
47:56in Maplehurst
47:59and
48:01tried to take
48:02and I took
48:03courses
48:05in school
48:07not online
48:09however
48:10it wasn't working
48:11because
48:12I switched to online
48:13it wasn't working
48:14out because
48:16I was like
48:17I couldn't just
48:18live off the
48:19financial aid
48:20and I tried to get
48:21a retail job
48:22and it didn't work
48:23it was like
48:25very evil
48:26like
48:27I couldn't figure out
48:28the
48:29their computer system
48:30but they weren't teaching me
48:31type of thing
48:32and it was
48:33the retail was like
48:34barely any customers
48:35again
48:36it was very elite
48:37like you had to sell
48:38like
48:39any like aggressively
48:40if anyone came to the store
48:41because nobody was coming in
48:43so
48:44then that Berkley place
48:47it was an office
48:48where I was living in
48:49with a big
48:51plastic
48:52it was
48:53there was a twin bed
48:55and
48:56there was such a
48:57with the plastic
48:58covering on the mattress
49:00was she said
49:01this stays on
49:02so
49:03I'm thinking to myself
49:05I didn't think
49:06to put an air mattress
49:07on it
49:08I didn't
49:09I don't think
49:10I had the money
49:11at the time
49:12and
49:13I didn't have a way
49:14to lug it back
49:15to the place
49:16an air mattress
49:17wasn't an option
49:18where was I going
49:19to put a mattress
49:21but she had a thick covering
49:22and every time I laid on it
49:24and moved my body
49:25and turned my body
49:26it would squeak
49:27wicked loud
49:28so I ended up
49:29sleeping on the
49:30wooden floor
49:31with my blankets
49:33like half the time
49:34it was like a three month
49:35I was living in
49:36three months
49:37it was
49:40very very bad
49:45where is it
49:46oh
49:50so I still
49:51have an email
49:52that I copied
49:54of her
49:56this was the room
49:57it looks much
49:59it looks larger
50:00than it is
50:02it looks larger
50:03the way that they made
50:04the photograph
50:05it's not
50:06it's not large
50:07it's extremely skinny
50:08and they fit a twin bed
50:09this going this side
50:10they fit a twin bed
50:11going this side
50:12so I was laying
50:13on the floor
50:14with this little much space
50:15next to the twin bed
50:16when I wasn't
50:17when I didn't want to
50:18when I couldn't
50:19tolerate that
50:20plastic
50:21noisy
50:22thing
50:23and there was a
50:24whole thing
50:25that was going on
50:26with it
50:27and then I had
50:28a little desk
50:29where I was
50:30sitting right there
50:31working on my
50:32fashion blog
50:33at the time
50:34and there was
50:35interviewing fashion
50:36people
50:37and that was
50:38a whole humiliation
50:39ritual
50:40when I had to
50:41interview all
50:42these fashion
50:43companies
50:44and like
50:45just think one day
50:46that maybe I'll
50:47do a
50:48humiliation
50:49ritual
50:50I didn't like it
50:51it wasn't really
50:52my style
50:53it's
50:54so this place
50:55the address
50:56was
50:572526
50:58Regent
50:59Boulevard
51:00see how it
51:01says two
51:02bedroom
51:03one bath
51:04that wasn't
51:05a bedroom
51:06it was like
51:07an office
51:08size
51:09it wasn't
51:10even the
51:11size
51:12of an
51:13office
51:14so
51:16did I
51:17show you
51:18the place
51:19I went
51:20and I lived
51:21with my
51:22grandmother
51:23for a few
51:24months
51:25when my
51:26mom went
51:27into the
51:28hospital
51:29because I
51:30put her in
51:31the hospital
51:32because she
51:33went into
51:34a state
51:35of psychosis
51:36I didn't
51:37want to live
51:38with my
51:39brother alone
51:40so I
51:41moved in
51:42and lived
51:43with my
51:44grandmother
51:45for a few
51:46months
51:47after
51:48that's when
51:49I came
51:50back
51:51in 2014
51:52from living
51:53in my car
51:54in Maplehurst
51:55but I didn't
51:56like living
51:57with my
51:58grandmother
51:59and she was
52:00kind of making
52:01fun of me
52:02and then
52:03like
52:04she'd have
52:05people over
52:06and they'd
52:07be like
52:08wow you
52:09really can't
52:10take care
52:11of yourself
52:12can you
52:13so I've
52:14listed 26
52:15places
52:16but I'm
52:17pretty sure
52:18I've lived
52:19in more
52:20than 26
52:21places
52:227 places
52:23I've lived
52:24with my
52:25mom for
52:26many years
52:276 places
52:28a year
52:29or less
52:3012 places
52:315 months
52:32or less
52:33so this is
52:34not
52:35this is
52:36called
52:37this is
52:38extreme
52:39stress
52:40this is
52:41extreme
52:43I really
52:44I really
52:45couldn't
52:46make it
52:47I could
52:48really barely
52:49survive
52:50I wasn't
52:51really making
52:52it
52:53so I didn't
52:54really explain
52:55it completely
52:56the best that
52:57I needed to
52:58for you to
52:59explain it
53:00as well as
53:01I should
53:02however
53:03I basically
53:04just wrote
53:05down the
53:06list really
53:07quickly
53:08and
53:09um
53:10I'm not
53:11sure
53:12I'm
53:13sure
53:14I'm
53:15sure
53:16I'm
53:17sure
53:18I'm
53:19sure
53:20I'm
53:21sure
53:22I'm
53:23sure
53:24I'm
53:25sure
53:26I'm
53:27sure
53:28I'm
53:29sure
53:30I'm
53:31sure
53:32I'm
53:33sure
53:34I'm
53:35sure
53:36I'm
53:37sure
53:38I'm
53:39sure
53:40I'm
53:41sure
53:42I'm
53:43sure
53:44I'm
53:45sure
53:46I'm
53:47sure
53:48I'm
53:49sure
53:50I'm
53:51sure
53:52I'm
53:53sure
53:54I'm
53:55sure
53:56I'm
53:57sure
53:58I'm
53:59sure
54:00I'm
54:01sure
54:02I'm
54:03sure
54:04I'm
54:05sure
54:06I'm
54:07sure
54:08I'm
54:09sure
54:10I'm
54:11sure
54:12I'm
54:13sure
54:14I'm
54:15sure
54:16I'm
54:17sure
54:18I'm
54:19sure
54:20I'm
54:21sure
54:22I'm
54:23sure
54:24I'm
54:25sure
54:26I'm
54:27sure
54:28I'm
54:29sure
54:30I'm
54:31sure
54:32I'm
54:33sure
54:34I'm
54:35sure
54:36I'm
54:37sure
54:38I'm
54:39sure
54:40I'm
54:41sure
54:42I'm
54:43sure
54:44I'm
54:45sure
54:46I'm
54:47sure
54:48I'm
54:49sure
54:50I'm
54:51sure
54:52I'm
54:53sure
54:54I'm
54:55sure
54:56I'm
54:57sure
54:58I'm
54:59sure
55:00I'm
55:01sure
55:02I'm
55:03sure
55:04I'm
55:05sure
55:06I'm
55:07sure
55:08I'm
55:09sure
55:10I'm
55:11sure
55:12I'm
55:13sure
55:14I'm
55:15sure
55:16I'm
55:17sure
55:18I'm
55:19sure
55:20I'm
55:21sure
55:22I'm
55:23sure
55:24I'm
55:25sure
55:26I'm
55:27sure
55:28I'm
55:29sure
55:30I'm
55:31sure
55:32I'm
55:33sure
55:34I'm
55:35sure
55:36I'm
55:37sure
55:38I'm
55:39sure
55:40I'm
55:41sure
55:42I'm
55:43sure
55:44I'm
55:45sure
55:46I'm
55:47sure
55:48I'm
55:49sure
55:50I'm
55:51sure
55:52I'm
55:53sure
55:54I'm
55:55sure
55:56I'm
55:57sure
55:58I'm
55:59sure
56:00I'm
56:01sure
56:02I'm
56:03sure
56:04I'm
56:05new ideas and I know how much you like the food Shia, all the food research and
56:14you're idealist, empathetic, insightful, gentle.
56:24You're very unforgiving Shia, you're very hard-working, you're very
56:31suspicious, you're not witty, you're very unusual, you're very unconventional, you're
56:37very understanding and trustworthy, you're studious, you're straightforward,
56:44you're sophisticated, you're sharp-eyed, you're sentimental, you're sensitive, you're
56:49resourceful and reserved, you're religious and polite. So I'm going to stop
56:55talking about you Shia and I used the pendulum and what did it say? I didn't read
57:05the notes Shia. You're happy Shia, you're happy there's gonna there's gonna be
57:11karma and justice involved with what has happened to us and I did also get
57:19something about violence and freedom on the pendulum I didn't really know what
57:23that meant about you. So I'm going to talk to you tomorrow. I love you Shia.
57:31Thank you everybody for watching. Thank you so much Shia for watching.