Virgin Alexander 2012 Comedy Drama Movie
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We're your one-stop shop for all things movies. We offer a wide variety of content, including:
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TVTranscript
00:00:00So I'm leading the convoy, and then an IED explodes, and we get into a firefight, and all of a sudden,
00:00:05Sergeant Callahan can't wait to tear my uniform off.
00:00:08It's the adrenaline of battle. Women cannot control themselves when...
00:00:14Hey! You've been listening?
00:00:17Yeah. You had sex.
00:00:21I had sex, and I rat!
00:00:25Toss me the rope.
00:00:28I don't think that's what we're hauling.
00:00:31It's right next to the trash.
00:00:38Now we will see what love is.
00:00:55Ow!
00:00:57Has it occurred to you that I'm picky? That I've got standards?
00:01:00I'm sorry. Were you in the ship?
00:01:12I thought you might like to know that life-threatening situations make women really horny.
00:01:17Alexander! I've got a surprise for you!
00:01:25Grandpa, are you serious?
00:01:28Is it malignant?
00:01:30The house. He's giving me the house.
00:01:33Come on, boys. Follow me to the Notary Public.
00:01:37Is he driving?
00:01:44It's a done deal.
00:01:47I guess I'm a homeowner.
00:01:49Maybe now you can convince some girl to fuck you.
00:01:54Well, he's 30 years old, you know. He's a good-looking guy.
00:01:57Never been with a woman.
00:02:00Feels good to help you out.
00:02:02That'll be $5.25.
00:02:24I'm only 26.
00:02:32I'll file the papers with the county and have dinner waiting for you.
00:02:36I love you, my boy.
00:02:47This was a good idea, right?
00:02:50Yeah.
00:02:52Yeah, sure.
00:03:52I love you.
00:04:22I love you.
00:04:52I love you.
00:05:16Do you mind?
00:05:23No.
00:05:25Let's go.
00:05:29Thank you.
00:05:33But I have a meeting.
00:05:53I have an appointment.
00:05:55When?
00:05:57Nine.
00:05:59You make a time.
00:06:05God.
00:06:07Look, all you need to do is pay us $125,000 in the next 10 days.
00:06:14But I don't know where my grandfather is.
00:06:17And he took the car, and I took the car.
00:06:20And he took the car, and I tried to take the trolley, but that girl would...
00:06:24I don't know what any of that means.
00:06:27Well, there has to be something I can do.
00:06:30Hey, you got a minute?
00:06:32Oh, hi, Ben. Yeah, we're finished here.
00:06:34I just dropped off the uniforms for my Little League team.
00:06:37We're gonna have a hell of a season. Those kids, I love those kids.
00:06:40Wait a minute. I just...
00:06:42I don't know what else I can do for you.
00:06:45But I really hope you have a great day.
00:06:51Wow.
00:07:00Marcus Dufault.
00:07:12That's a really nice suit.
00:07:14I think you'll look good in it.
00:07:18That's a really nice suit.
00:07:29Did you get my loan?
00:07:33Yeah. You're going to college.
00:07:37I'm a marketing major. Did I tell you that?
00:07:40You know, have you ever considered a viral campaign for Mr. Bims?
00:07:47What?
00:07:48A viral campaign, like web-based content?
00:07:50I don't know what the hell you're talking about, okay?
00:07:52Just hold on. Hello, this is Sam.
00:07:54A single text can...
00:07:55Shh. Hello.
00:07:56Hi, I'm with the Brewer Collection Agency.
00:08:01So what's the deal with my student loan?
00:08:03It's in your name, right?
00:08:07Yeah, I wouldn't, you know, worry about it.
00:08:10It's all taken care of, kind of.
00:08:12Okay.
00:08:14Okay.
00:08:18Hey! Hey!
00:08:20Get off my water display!
00:08:22Off! Now!
00:08:24Out! Go!
00:08:34Good morning.
00:08:42Hi, sir.
00:08:44No, it's not true. Let's go.
00:08:51My son is a virgin.
00:08:53Excuse me?
00:08:57You want to buy your boy a party?
00:09:00He's 35. He lives at home.
00:09:03Yesterday, he bought a Judy Garland box set on DVD.
00:09:07I'm not gay, Mom.
00:09:11His little brother never had this problem.
00:09:15It's never too late, ma'am.
00:09:21125 grand?
00:09:23It's nothing.
00:09:25Hell, I made more working as a pool shark in high school.
00:09:28Do you have a garage sale?
00:09:31It's all the crap you collect.
00:09:37What about underage kids?
00:09:40Underage kids have a ton of disposable income.
00:09:43They can pay us to party at your house.
00:09:46Hey, you boys seen a piano around here?
00:09:49Yeah, we...
00:09:51No, no, we haven't.
00:10:01Are you comfortable selling drugs?
00:10:03I haven't done it in years, but...
00:10:06I still have some of my old contacts.
00:10:09Very profitable selling drugs.
00:10:11Drugs?
00:10:13Underage kids?
00:10:16Cliff, the only thing I can think of...
00:10:19You pick up your pool cue and enter a tournament.
00:10:22I'll spot your entries...
00:10:24That's so unfair.
00:10:26You know I got carpal tunnel in Iraq.
00:10:29Hey.
00:10:31Hey.
00:10:39Don't you hate it when they get so drippy?
00:10:43What's your name?
00:10:45Alexander.
00:10:50Excuse me.
00:10:54So the vanilla ice cream was semen,
00:10:56and the act of licking it off your hand would turn them on?
00:10:58Uh-huh.
00:11:01Come on.
00:11:13Thanks, Mom.
00:11:24Is dogfighting illegal?
00:11:27You want to fight dogs to the death?
00:11:30I thought maybe it could be amateur dogfighting,
00:11:32not professional dogfighting.
00:11:33Hey!
00:11:35You and Captain Bullshit need to pick up the pace.
00:11:38Sorry, Mr. Bulldocker.
00:11:40Which one of us is Captain Bullshit?
00:11:44Dogs can use headgear.
00:12:01I've got underage kids in my mom's van.
00:12:07I thought it went to the supermarket.
00:12:09They said they've got 200 bucks.
00:12:15The kids are surprisingly angry.
00:12:17I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:19Thank you.
00:12:21I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:23I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:25I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:27I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:29I'm going to talk to them.
00:12:33They broke my keyboard.
00:12:34Just shut up. They'll tire themselves out.
00:12:42Do you think she...
00:13:00This isn't so bad.
00:13:02They took the refrigerator.
00:13:06I didn't think they were that strong.
00:13:13I'm going to go.
00:13:29I'm going to go.
00:14:00They stole my mom's van.
00:14:12You can actually read your veins.
00:14:15And, like, not just the lines, but you can read your veins in this one.
00:14:19This one?
00:14:20Yeah, this one means that you're going to have a very happy...
00:14:22Okay, tell you what. Two words.
00:14:24Bachelor party.
00:14:26Yay!
00:14:28Only if I can take notes.
00:14:30My first class is tonight.
00:14:32Okay. First of all, I love her enthusiasm.
00:14:34That's what I like.
00:14:36You don't talk. I don't need you to talk.
00:14:38No, no. Closed mouth.
00:14:39Fine.
00:14:40Not necessary.
00:14:41Okay.
00:14:42You're still talking.
00:14:43And you, I got it taken care of, all right? We're fine.
00:14:45All taken care of.
00:14:46Hands off the table. Thanks.
00:14:47What? You canceled my loan?
00:14:49It's just a semester delay.
00:14:54Look, here's the thing.
00:14:56Why do you want to go to college?
00:14:58If I had that body, I wouldn't have gone to college.
00:15:00Come on. Stay here with the please.
00:15:02This is what you have.
00:15:04This is what you do. You're beautiful.
00:15:07Hi.
00:15:08Hi.
00:15:15Drive!
00:15:18Where?
00:15:19To MSU.
00:15:21It's only a one semester delay, you bitch!
00:15:25Hey, wait!
00:15:27Wait!
00:15:28Stop!
00:15:33How does a woman exerting her independence make you feel?
00:15:35Shut it!
00:15:36Threatened.
00:15:39Yeah, so I'm still on my break.
00:15:51I love fighting crime.
00:15:53Me too, but I gotta get out.
00:15:55This state is so lucky to have me as a cop.
00:15:58You're the best.
00:16:01So I heard that's a really good school.
00:16:09First time in a dump truck.
00:16:21Hey.
00:16:26If you need anything else...
00:16:29That reminded me of the times I let the convoy out of the green zone.
00:16:33Very similar.
00:16:50What are we doing?
00:17:21Um...
00:17:23Open the fucking door.
00:17:50You're not supposed to be in here.
00:18:21Next.
00:18:26Sweetie, thanks for holding my spot in line.
00:18:28You're welcome.
00:18:37All right, there's no record of any loan here.
00:18:40Bullshit!
00:18:43You take credit card, cash, or personal debt,
00:18:46You take credit card, cash, or personal check with two forms of I.D.
00:18:58Are you still mad about last night? I helped you clean that shit up.
00:19:03There she is.
00:19:12Hey, how's it going?
00:19:14Hey, how's it going?
00:19:17Can we give you a lift?
00:19:20I don't have to be in a cab.
00:19:25Seriously, stop following me.
00:19:28I don't need a lift, I don't need a friend, I just need money. That's it.
00:19:31Yeah, okay. Here.
00:19:33I've got a ten.
00:19:35Cliff, how much do you have?
00:19:37I don't have any money.
00:19:38You've got change from lunch.
00:19:41She's a hooker.
00:19:42Hey, don't say that.
00:19:45I'm going to make up for last night.
00:19:47Hey! Hey!
00:19:49Hey!
00:19:50You can totally prostitute at my friend Alexander's house.
00:19:52She's not a prostitute, she just wears tight clothing!
00:19:56We can make money!
00:19:58He's losing his house!
00:19:59We need to make money to save his house!
00:20:02What's my cut?
00:20:05Uh, 80-40?
00:20:07That's not possible.
00:20:08This isn't the time for fractions.
00:20:10Do you want to turn my friend's house into a brothel or not?
00:20:13This is illegal.
00:20:15Of course it is.
00:20:18We could get in trouble.
00:20:23Lots of trouble.
00:20:30$125,000 in nine days?
00:20:35Is that a lot?
00:20:36Not for a professional.
00:20:38Do you think we can do it?
00:20:40No.
00:20:45We're going to need more girls.
00:20:49Hey, you guys.
00:20:50You want to watch some cars?
00:20:51Like, um, all sudsy and wet with your sexy outfits and everything
00:20:56and totally driving the customers crazy?
00:20:59Right?
00:21:00I'm going to get a bucket.
00:21:01All right.
00:21:04See the brunette with the intense eyes?
00:21:07That's Lo.
00:21:08She's doing her doctorate in women's studies.
00:21:12Don't worry about it.
00:21:14The blonde with the big smile?
00:21:15That's Brooke.
00:21:17She likes to fuck.
00:21:25Wipe out all the drug dealers.
00:21:26I hate drugs.
00:21:27I used to think I was a dog.
00:21:29Really? That's interesting.
00:21:30That's not that kind.
00:21:32That's how I got into the business.
00:21:39Hey.
00:21:44Hello, Mr. Howard.
00:22:01I don't do much entertaining, so...
00:22:03This is great.
00:22:05Check the bedrooms.
00:22:06Oh, I'll show you.
00:22:09Okay.
00:22:13There's no fridge?
00:22:15Teenagers took it.
00:22:19Dude.
00:22:20No offense.
00:22:22I'm so glad you're not coming to my bachelor party tonight.
00:22:31Hello?
00:22:33I would never get laid for people who knew you were my brother.
00:22:38I'll give you $300 if you can pick me up.
00:22:41Brooke can pick you up.
00:22:42What's your address?
00:22:46I got it.
00:22:48Great.
00:22:49I'll see you soon.
00:22:55Were you staring at me?
00:22:58What?
00:23:00What?
00:23:02No, I was thinking.
00:23:05Thinking about what?
00:23:08Stuff.
00:23:10Work stuff.
00:23:12All right, Brooke.
00:23:15Take a picture of you and Hank and text it to all his friends, okay?
00:23:19You.
00:23:20Beer.
00:23:21Condoms.
00:23:22Go.
00:23:23Go.
00:23:28In his bedroom?
00:23:30What?
00:23:34I get laid a lot.
00:23:37So do I.
00:23:45What the fuck?
00:23:49Why did you do that?
00:23:51We can't have a bedroom with a sink on the floor.
00:23:53I found that.
00:23:54This is my stuff.
00:23:55I found it and brought it to my house.
00:23:57And why is she taking notes?
00:24:00Did you lose your parents at a young age?
00:24:02As a matter of fact, I did.
00:24:03So what?
00:24:06If you want to save your house, this has all got to go.
00:24:13You know, maybe if I didn't want to get laid, I'd bring you.
00:24:16It's okay, Trent.
00:24:17I have plans.
00:24:20Dude, just because you're role-playing in a bar doesn't change the fact that you're role-playing.
00:24:26It's worse if you play in public.
00:24:28At least have the decency to stay in the basement.
00:24:44Hi, Hank.
00:24:51Hi.
00:24:53I've missed you.
00:24:59Have fun at your bachelor party.
00:25:02Yay!
00:25:07Okay, that was the greatest moment of my life.
00:25:14Can I see your cell phone?
00:25:16Yeah, sure.
00:25:21All right.
00:25:23Snap.
00:25:27Text it to all your friends.
00:25:30Evening, sir.
00:25:42This guy's playing poker?
00:25:44Nah, some game with dragons.
00:25:46Dragons?
00:25:50Don't bother him.
00:25:51Just seeing what all the fuss is.
00:25:55Gary, you'll be face-to-face with the red fire-breathing dragon.
00:26:00He's going to climb a very moisty wall to get to higher ground.
00:26:05I think I'm going to talk to him.
00:26:07You guys playing for money?
00:26:09We're not playing anything.
00:26:12Hey, Gary's phone's on!
00:26:14You don't use cell phones during a campaign.
00:26:16Why is Gary's phone on?
00:26:17Because my shit's blowing up.
00:26:20What does that mean?
00:26:21Gary, if you don't stay and defend yourself, the red dragon will kill you!
00:26:36This isn't my fault.
00:26:41What was that?
00:26:43Lo's finishing the cleanup.
00:26:45I really don't think you guys should be throwing my things out the window.
00:26:48What was that?
00:26:50Do you play?
00:26:53Yeah.
00:26:54Play for us tonight.
00:26:56I've never played for anyone.
00:26:59You live in a creepy house.
00:27:01Playing piano will just make it a little less creepy.
00:27:04Well, I mean, it's not that creepy.
00:27:09Just play some fucking piano.
00:27:12Okay.
00:27:43Where the morning glories
00:27:47Climb around the bend
00:27:51Whispering pretty stories
00:27:54I long to hear once more
00:28:09Yeah.
00:28:12Yeah, something like that.
00:28:24Guys, thanks a lot.
00:28:25Thanks a lot. We'll see you soon.
00:28:27See you soon. Take care.
00:28:28There you go. Thanks.
00:28:30I'll get it. I'll get it.
00:28:31Give me this.
00:28:32Give me that.
00:28:35Girls in the back?
00:28:36Huh?
00:28:37Girls outside?
00:28:38Jesus.
00:28:42Hey, you did not pay for those.
00:28:43Put them on my tab.
00:28:44The bitch left the door locked.
00:28:51I should have never hired smart girls.
00:28:55Leon, is your sister still in town?
00:28:57Nah, she left Thursday.
00:28:59Collection agency's on the phone again.
00:29:02Alcohol and speakers are in my office.
00:29:04Put them on the counter and microwave a shit ton of pizza.
00:29:07I have movie tickets.
00:29:10Fucking girls.
00:29:21Hi.
00:29:22Here's what I'm asking.
00:29:23Here's what I'd like to know.
00:29:24Could you just come with me for two hours, no questions asked?
00:29:27I mean, you know, just get in the car?
00:29:30I don't care. Just ignore that.
00:29:33Ignore it.
00:29:34Listen to me.
00:29:35I just want to know.
00:29:36I just want your wife to dance.
00:29:40No, you're being unprofessional.
00:29:42Fucking asshole.
00:29:43I need to go home.
00:29:44Where are my girls?
00:29:50These are going to be Eskimo brothers soon.
00:29:52Watermelon flavor tastes like real watermelon.
00:29:58I like cherry.
00:30:00I like cherries.
00:30:02Have you ever tried strawberry and banana together?
00:30:10I'm broke, Leon.
00:30:14Branching out into bachelor parties was going to save me.
00:30:21If they take Bims away, what am I going to tell my Little League team?
00:30:25Have a donut.
00:30:27Come on.
00:30:28Look, have a donut.
00:30:29Look, come visit me in my donut hall.
00:30:31Please.
00:30:35You know, I always thought we should offer.
00:30:38I thought we should offer the donut hall.
00:30:41Do that again.
00:30:44Hello, come and see me.
00:30:47Bite-sized piece of the donut?
00:30:49I'd pay for that.
00:30:53You just saved Bims.
00:30:56We're going to sell donut halls?
00:30:57No.
00:31:01Who's ready to fuck?
00:31:02Who's ready to fuck?
00:31:06What's the definition of a pimp?
00:31:09Don't answer him.
00:31:12What is the definition of a pimp?
00:31:15A procurer of prostitutes.
00:31:20That's what I'm doing.
00:31:23I'm procuring prostitutes in my house.
00:31:26Alexander, stand up.
00:31:33Put your shirt down.
00:31:37I never finished Maroot.
00:31:40I'm going to lose my job.
00:31:42That was supposed to calm him down.
00:31:45I'm going to be homeless and unemployed,
00:31:48and all I can say for myself is that I exploit women.
00:31:51Ow!
00:31:52What did you do that for?
00:31:58Hey.
00:31:59Hi.
00:32:00Hey.
00:32:01Hey.
00:32:06This is a bachelor party, isn't it?
00:32:08If you say so.
00:32:11Then where are the girls?
00:32:15Beside you.
00:32:16That's...
00:32:17Because the closest thing to a vagina is...
00:32:20You're being very mean for no reason.
00:32:22I'm sorry.
00:32:23There's no reason to be mean.
00:32:24I'm not sorry.
00:32:26They keep asking for girls.
00:32:28Okay, about how tall are they, on average?
00:32:30What are you doing?
00:32:31Don't worry about it.
00:32:32Just...
00:32:33Do you mind?
00:32:40You guys didn't have to follow me.
00:32:42Gary, I drove.
00:32:44Yeah, dick.
00:32:51You here to party?
00:32:53You here to party?
00:32:58Yes!
00:32:59I win.
00:33:01Yeah.
00:33:02Again.
00:33:05Okay, gentlemen.
00:33:06Ten dollars a beer.
00:33:08Twelve beer minimum.
00:33:10Who's next?
00:33:15Where are the girls, man?
00:33:16Just tell us.
00:33:19Shot for trade?
00:33:23All right, where is the bachelor?
00:33:25Where are the titties?
00:33:26The titties are here.
00:33:28You said they'd have sex with me.
00:33:29I did say that, but look at...
00:33:31You're getting married soon, right?
00:33:32I don't want you doing something you're going to regret.
00:33:35I brought condoms.
00:33:36All right, all right.
00:33:38What's your fiancé's name?
00:33:40Jennifer.
00:33:41Right, Jennifer.
00:33:42Now, if you come down to the basement,
00:33:45to the bathroom in the basement,
00:33:47in five minutes, you're going to get some you're going to love,
00:33:50but you're not going to have to lie to Jennifer
00:33:52and be ashamed in front of Jennifer, who you love.
00:33:56I love Jennifer.
00:33:58Five minutes.
00:34:02So, where are the titties?
00:34:07Um...
00:34:15Can you keep the truck all night?
00:34:18God damn it!
00:34:19Oh, wait, that's cheating.
00:34:22You know the rules.
00:34:25We must have some real fun.
00:34:36Oh, yeah.
00:34:46Doing great.
00:34:47Doing great.
00:34:48Hey, you guys need anything?
00:34:50What'd she say?
00:34:51No, it's perfect, I love it.
00:34:52Perfect? You swear?
00:34:53Perfect, I swear, I swear.
00:34:54Okay, okay.
00:35:00Someone has to make a decision.
00:35:09Hey!
00:35:12You are the quest I choose.
00:35:15Okay.
00:35:16Guess it's me.
00:35:24Hello?
00:35:35You took your shoes off.
00:35:38Very cool.
00:35:47Okay.
00:36:08Why aren't you playing?
00:36:10No one wants to hear me play, they're here for you.
00:36:16Is this about what you saw up there?
00:36:18No.
00:36:23Well...
00:36:27Maybe it does make you feel better.
00:36:31I don't care.
00:36:44Just play.
00:36:46What do you want me to play?
00:36:47I don't know, it's a brothel.
00:36:50Anything but show tunes.
00:37:16I will be your Tootsie Rootsie.
00:37:18Meet me in St. Louis, Louis.
00:37:20Meet me at the fair.
00:37:22Oh, wow.
00:37:25This is the best.
00:37:29Now you've got your ball of negative energy
00:37:31and we're going to combine them.
00:37:34And we're going to turn it into love.
00:37:37Push through.
00:37:39Push through.
00:37:41Push through.
00:37:43Push through.
00:37:44Love.
00:37:46Push the love
00:37:48into our hearts.
00:37:52That was special.
00:37:55Do you like to experiment?
00:37:57Sure.
00:38:06Okay, that's freaking me out.
00:38:07No.
00:38:15Hey, what's going on down here?
00:38:19Play it again.
00:38:20Yeah.
00:38:21Please?
00:38:23Meet me in St. Louis, Louis.
00:38:26Meet me at the fair.
00:38:30Don't tell me the lights are shining
00:38:33any place but there.
00:38:37We will dance the hoot-chee-coot-chee.
00:38:40I will be your Tootsie Rootsie.
00:38:43Meet me in St. Louis, Louis.
00:38:46Meet me at the fair.
00:38:54Cheers.
00:38:55Cheers.
00:38:57I have no explanation for this.
00:39:14Come on.
00:39:17Who are you?
00:39:20Don't worry.
00:39:21I'll be right back.
00:39:31Those fucking girls.
00:39:37Let's rock and roll.
00:39:44There he is.
00:39:52You guys are in for a treat.
00:40:10You know that experiment thing?
00:40:12Mm-hmm.
00:40:14I think I'm ready.
00:40:18Let's dance.
00:40:19Wait, does this mean we're like dating?
00:40:25Do you want to dance?
00:40:26Sure.
00:40:36Hey, Alexander.
00:40:38Mr. Howard.
00:40:39Can I be your bartender?
00:40:41Sure.
00:40:51He likes you.
00:40:53No, he doesn't.
00:40:57Yeah, he likes you.
00:41:12Hi, it's Alexander and Bucky.
00:41:14We're not home.
00:41:15Leave a message.
00:41:18Alexander, it's Cliff.
00:41:19I'm in.
00:41:23That's four, baby.
00:41:25You're the king, Trent.
00:41:27Damn right I am.
00:41:30Woo!
00:41:32Woo!
00:41:34Woo!
00:41:36Woo!
00:41:38Woo!
00:41:39Woo!
00:41:41Seriously, who wants four hand jabs?
00:41:56You know any Sondheim?
00:42:07Wanna hang out?
00:42:11Yeah.
00:42:30Not bad for your first time.
00:42:37Did you pay for that?
00:42:39I can keep a secret if you can.
00:42:46It was like ultimate relaxation.
00:42:50Just like a wave of...
00:42:54power.
00:42:57Seriously.
00:42:59That was...
00:43:02like...
00:43:04199
00:43:06on a scale of like...
00:43:09one to five.
00:43:12I mean it.
00:43:14I...
00:43:16mean it.
00:43:21It's like my heart...
00:43:25No, don't judge me, but seriously, like...
00:43:30was beating fast.
00:43:33Faster...
00:43:35than it usually does.
00:43:39And I think that means something.
00:43:42Because I have a really slow heartbeat.
00:43:48Trent's been gone for two hours.
00:43:50Now, I love a good hand job, and I got a great one back there,
00:43:53but what the fuck?
00:43:55All it gets a hole in the wall?
00:43:56Dude, it's a glory hole.
00:43:58Yeah, I know what it's called.
00:43:59The whole point is you don't know who's on the other side.
00:44:01I know what the point is.
00:44:04Fine.
00:44:05They said there'd be girls, but I have not seen one.
00:44:08Now, Trent's gotten like nine hand jobs, and I'm really proud of him,
00:44:11but my kids have soccer in the morning.
00:44:13Okay?
00:44:14I don't have time for this.
00:44:16So come on.
00:44:17Who wants to go to a strip club?
00:44:35What?
00:44:53What are you doing here?
00:44:59Why do you have this house?
00:45:05My grandfather's house.
00:45:09But he's gone now.
00:45:11Oh, God.
00:45:14I'm sorry.
00:45:16No, he's not dead.
00:45:19He just took off.
00:45:22After school, my grandpa got sick, and I took over his root.
00:45:29I wanted to go to college, too.
00:45:32What did he have?
00:45:34My grandpa?
00:45:37He had, um...
00:45:40He was diagnosed with, uh...
00:45:48He was full of shit.
00:45:52I don't think anything was wrong with him.
00:45:56So, he just lied?
00:46:02Yeah.
00:46:05He's a liar.
00:46:09Hey, what happened to Cliff?
00:46:13I didn't steal that dump truck.
00:46:15I'm a scrap hauler.
00:46:26Whoa!
00:46:28Guess what?
00:46:29Guess what?
00:46:30I finally did it.
00:46:32I got a bug on Anderson.
00:46:34She doesn't even know she's wearing it.
00:46:37I told you I'd do it.
00:46:43She's peeing.
00:46:46I wish I had a visual right now.
00:46:50I'm gonna die in here.
00:46:52So, were you also raised by a ne'er-do-well old man?
00:46:57No, uh...
00:46:59No, I... I wasn't.
00:47:03That's the biggest purse I've ever seen.
00:47:08What do you have in there?
00:47:12Is this shampoo?
00:47:14If I need to wash my hair in a few minutes, can I borrow some?
00:47:16Come on, who carries around a big bottle of shampoo?
00:47:20Not everyone has a huge house they can just throw all their shit into, okay?
00:47:25Everything I have is in my bag.
00:47:29Really?
00:47:32I'm sorry.
00:47:34I didn't know that.
00:47:36Really?
00:47:39I'm sorry.
00:47:41I didn't know that.
00:47:50I was raised in foster homes.
00:47:54I moved around a lot.
00:47:57So...
00:48:03I'm going to bed.
00:48:04Ruby?
00:48:05What?
00:48:08Take my room.
00:48:11I'll stay down here.
00:48:13Fine.
00:48:15Outstanding party. No bullshit. I spent thousands.
00:48:35You have a sister?
00:48:37Goldfish.
00:48:42You and Jack?
00:48:44Yep.
00:49:04I'm going to bed.
00:49:35Friday
00:50:00I'm not leaving until I see who you are.
00:50:04Fine.
00:50:14I am not giving you your money back.
00:50:22They all left.
00:50:34Yeah.
00:50:55Are they gone?
00:50:57Yeah.
00:51:00Oh.
00:51:06I don't hear anything.
00:51:08She's just walking around.
00:51:12How cool would it be if she weren't home
00:51:14and we heard her having sex?
00:51:19Maybe we could use these to solve crimes.
00:51:23Morning, boys.
00:51:25Morning, Chief.
00:51:26Hi.
00:51:28Phone for you, Chief.
00:51:30No, thanks.
00:51:35Demmer speaking.
00:51:37Oh, I am, uh...
00:51:38No, the boys haven't been arrested.
00:51:39Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.
00:51:45We arrested him last night.
00:51:50We think he stole a dump truck.
00:51:59Wait!
00:52:00Cliff!
00:52:01Cliffy!
00:52:05Just wanted to say, no hot feelings.
00:52:08Just let me go, guys.
00:52:11Sorry about the arrest.
00:52:19Have a good day.
00:52:29Yeah, boy.
00:52:47Oh, come on!
00:52:59Alexander, it's Cliff. I'm in jail.
00:53:01They think I stole the dump truck.
00:53:03Help me!
00:53:05Cliff?
00:53:06What are you doing?
00:53:08Alexander, it's Cliff. I'm in jail.
00:53:10They think I stole the dump truck.
00:53:12You were in jail?
00:53:14I'm in jail.
00:53:15Why didn't you call me?
00:53:16I would have...
00:53:18Oh.
00:53:19Yeah.
00:53:20Oh.
00:53:22You guys had the greatest night ever,
00:53:24and I spent the night in jail.
00:53:26I thought you said you were in that Mexican jail before.
00:53:28Uh, yeah, I was.
00:53:32It's no big deal.
00:53:34Alexander, where's my fucking dump truck?
00:53:37You're fired.
00:53:39And so's your boy toy, Cliff.
00:53:42So I missed out on the greatest party ever,
00:53:46and I lose my job?
00:53:48Thanks, Alexander.
00:53:49And I am not your boy toy.
00:53:51If anything, you are my boy toy.
00:53:53Thanks for a fine night, Alexander.
00:53:56You're welcome, Mr. Howard.
00:53:58There was an old man here?
00:54:01Can you guys quiet down?
00:54:03No, I won't! This was my idea,
00:54:05and you forgot about me.
00:54:07Calm down. It's not like it was a one-night deal.
00:54:10Yeah? I found this outside.
00:54:13Oh, hey, guys.
00:54:16Uh, we made a mistake.
00:54:18So I'm being evicted?
00:54:19Yeah, our guy who posts the notices got screwed up.
00:54:22We should never have posted that notice of foreclosure.
00:54:24That was weeks ago.
00:54:25That's bullshit!
00:54:26Oh, like I said, our guy screwed up.
00:54:31I'm sorry.
00:54:32I'm sorry.
00:54:33I'm sorry.
00:54:34I'm sorry.
00:54:35I'm sorry.
00:54:36I'm sorry.
00:54:37I'm sorry.
00:54:38I'm sorry.
00:54:39I'm sorry.
00:54:40I'm sorry.
00:54:41I'm sorry.
00:54:52Asshole.
00:54:54Sir, I need to go home.
00:54:57I need to sleep.
00:55:00Only when I'll be able to sleep again.
00:55:05It's 9.38. Are we open?
00:55:12Leon.
00:55:15Have you ever been in a fight?
00:55:17Oh, forget it.
00:55:35Who are these guys?
00:55:36They got text.
00:55:38We've gone viral.
00:55:39We've gone viral.
00:55:40Where'd the music come from?
00:55:41They brought their own.
00:55:42Hey, baby, I'm ready.
00:55:43Get your hands off of me.
00:55:45Nerds like Bruce?
00:55:46Not a problem.
00:55:47I mean, that's a lot of fun.
00:55:48Thank you.
00:55:49But coked-up assholes, absolutely not.
00:55:52I have my master's, for Christ's sakes.
00:55:54Wait, you do?
00:55:55Uh-huh.
00:55:56Early childhood development.
00:55:57Hey, I got your master's right here.
00:55:59Okay, so this is what happens with unchecked male aggression?
00:56:06Think you can just take my girls and cunt me out?
00:56:09They didn't seem to think it was a problem.
00:56:11I see.
00:56:12Oh, hobo.
00:56:23Hey, hold on a sec. Hold on.
00:56:25These are my customers.
00:56:28Don't you have any loyalty?
00:56:30You screwed me, so I screwed you.
00:56:32Right? Yeah?
00:56:33So I'm gonna beat the hell out of your boyfriend till I feel better.
00:56:36Hobo!
00:56:39Hey.
00:56:41Wait, let's just get back to work, okay?
00:56:43Yeah, what about him?
00:56:45What about him?
00:56:46You think he can run us?
00:56:48He's just some scrap hauler.
00:56:50Fine, Brooke, let's go.
00:56:51Lo, I don't want you.
00:56:52You're weird. I don't like the way you talk.
00:56:54I wasn't going anyway.
00:56:55Eat me. Let's go. Now!
00:56:57Actually, I'm going back to being an au pair.
00:56:59It's much more rewarding.
00:57:01What?
00:57:02Au pair.
00:57:03Brooke, Brooke, just come on.
00:57:06Ah!
00:57:07Oh.
00:57:08All right.
00:57:09Okay.
00:57:35Okay.
00:57:39Yes!
00:57:41Buckle.
00:57:44Woo!
00:57:48Where's my bat?
00:57:51I threw it at him.
00:57:52You left my bat in there?
00:57:54No, I threw it at him, and it was very menacing.
00:57:58Okay, I am gonna take the cost of that bat out of your pay.
00:58:02No!
00:58:07No, man, look.
00:58:09Like, you left me in there, alone, without any direction.
00:58:14You know why?
00:58:15I was lost in there.
00:58:17You know why you are homeless?
00:58:19Because you are an asshole.
00:58:26Easy on the gravel. Easy on the gravel.
00:58:28Got my door.
00:58:30Okay, you have one more outburst like that,
00:58:32you are never gonna sit on my fucking water feature again.
00:58:36You...
00:58:37Get out.
00:58:38Owe me ten dollars.
00:58:39Get the car door, right now.
00:58:58Do you want some coke?
00:59:29Fuck.
00:59:35Please, I need you to go as far as you are legally allowed to go.
00:59:47Stop. Stop. Stop.
00:59:51You still have one song left.
00:59:54No, please, stop.
00:59:56You are wasting your time.
01:00:14What's your name?
01:00:16Rachel.
01:00:18Rachel.
01:00:21I used to be the guy on stage doing his own striptease.
01:00:25The guy everyone loved.
01:00:27But now, I don't know what happened.
01:00:31We hate those guys.
01:00:34You do?
01:00:36Alright, two club sodas with lime.
01:00:39Thanks.
01:00:43What?
01:00:49No.
01:01:01No.
01:01:07I am not gay. Okay?
01:01:09I'm not gay. Not gay.
01:01:19What are they, huh?
01:01:23Let's just go back inside, Cliff.
01:01:25Looks like you didn't miss the party.
01:01:29I was never in Iraq.
01:01:33What?
01:01:37I was never in Iraq.
01:01:39I was never in Iraq.
01:01:41I was never in Iraq.
01:01:43I was never in Iraq.
01:01:45I was never in Iraq.
01:01:48I was never in Iraq.
01:01:50I made it up.
01:01:54I went to Orlando with my mom and I broke my leg getting off a water slide.
01:02:00It was slippery and...
01:02:04I spent those six months on sick leave.
01:02:07Not in Iraq.
01:02:18Cliff, of course you weren't in Iraq.
01:02:23You knew?
01:02:25You were only gone six months.
01:02:27The military doesn't take people for less than three years.
01:02:30Yeah, well...
01:02:31You're just a liar.
01:02:34You lie about everything.
01:02:37Yeah, well, what about you? Look at all this crap.
01:02:40That's weird.
01:02:42And you stole that piano!
01:02:44Yeah, Cliff, I stole the piano.
01:02:46And this, it's bullshit.
01:02:49All of it.
01:02:51What are you so mad about?
01:02:54Cliff, I'm being evicted.
01:02:57I'm in a massive amount of debt.
01:03:00We turned my house into a brothel.
01:03:03And now I've got a bunch of idiots high on cocaine destroying what's left of it
01:03:08while paying a women's studies doctoral candidate to fuck them!
01:03:13Yeah, but Ruby digs you.
01:03:15Oh, you mean the girl, the hooker,
01:03:19who only did this so she could get back at her pimp?
01:03:22That girl likes me?
01:03:24Wow!
01:03:27Stop whining.
01:03:29Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting in the way of your research?
01:03:32Yes. And you're an idiot.
01:03:35Is that your professional opinion, doctor?
01:03:37Oh, do you want my professional opinion?
01:03:39Hey, I'm paying for this!
01:03:40Just stare at my ass a minute.
01:03:42Okay.
01:03:43My professional opinion is that you lost your parents at a young age,
01:03:46you were raised by a con man,
01:03:48and you've spent the rest of your life avoiding real human interaction,
01:03:51including working at a job with individuals who show the same level of immaturity.
01:03:55You've started a collection of these things in order to grasp at a past that doesn't exist
01:03:59while ignoring the future in front of you.
01:04:01You're incredibly repressed, and that's why you're still a virgin.
01:04:06You're still a virgin because having sex would cause you to open up and grow as a person,
01:04:11to leave these childish things behind, if you will.
01:04:16How was that?
01:04:20Surprisingly accurate.
01:04:23Thanks.
01:04:26You know, I never lied to you about those times I had sex.
01:04:31You know, I never lied to you about those times I had sex.
01:04:35Except for all the sex in Iraq that never happened.
01:04:41Because I have had sex on a handful of occasions.
01:05:01I can't let Ruby take her love to town.
01:05:09What does that even mean?
01:05:11Class, fall!
01:05:13Oh, shit.
01:05:14Whoa, come on.
01:05:18Lucinda, what are you doing?
01:05:20She did it for me. She was trying to protect me.
01:05:22Hey, you!
01:05:26Come on, Cliff.
01:05:31What is it?
01:05:37Cliff.
01:05:39I don't think you're a liar.
01:05:42You just exaggerated for comedic effect.
01:05:46And you're my best friend.
01:05:50Really?
01:05:52Yeah.
01:05:54Can you help me, Cliff?
01:05:56Really need my help?
01:05:58I don't have any military experience.
01:06:03I don't care if Bim's paying that homeless guy to protect him.
01:06:07I got moves he hasn't even seen.
01:06:10All right.
01:06:12Can we come too? I really want to help Brooke and Ruby.
01:06:15Yeah, let's go.
01:06:22You guys are so fucking weird.
01:06:25You gonna pay me my ten bucks or what?
01:06:31How the fuck did you steal my customers?
01:06:33All it took was a text.
01:06:35What happened to your hands?
01:06:37I need to talk to you.
01:06:39What the hell are you doing here?
01:06:41I've been hiding in the basement.
01:06:43Sir, I don't think that this is a good idea.
01:06:45Oh, you don't think this is a good idea?
01:06:47Does it say Bim's Pizza on the poster or does it say Leon and Two Whores?
01:06:50Am I the boss or are you the boss?
01:06:52I'll do it for 500 bucks, fine.
01:07:00I've had a really weird night.
01:07:05Why did you have a weird night?
01:07:07I don't want to talk about it.
01:07:11Are we even close?
01:07:22Oh, shit.
01:07:37Ruby!
01:07:41Is there a problem?
01:07:43Uh, the door is locked.
01:07:53Hi.
01:08:00Ruby?
01:08:02Alexander?
01:08:06They have weapons.
01:08:12Hi.
01:08:14I was coming to get you.
01:08:16They wanted to help too.
01:08:18Thanks.
01:08:21You're all under arrest.
01:08:24Come on, I said you're under arrest.
01:08:26You too, Missy.
01:08:28Hands up. You too.
01:08:34You okay?
01:08:36Yeah, thank you.
01:08:38Hey!
01:08:40No talking.
01:08:51Sir?
01:08:53Did you drive here in the paddy wagon?
01:08:57So, is this a prostitution ring?
01:09:01Seriously?
01:09:03I need some medical attention.
01:09:05You sponsor a Little League team.
01:09:07I love those kids.
01:09:09I'm in a lot of debt.
01:09:11Sir, if it makes any difference, my house is going into foreclosure.
01:09:15It doesn't make a difference.
01:09:17I'm researching the lives of exploited women.
01:09:19My professors have all signed off.
01:09:21I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
01:09:23Well, at least that's something.
01:09:25What about the rest of you?
01:09:27PTSD!
01:09:29I know, soldier.
01:09:31But you broke the law.
01:09:33Sorry.
01:09:35What?
01:09:37Sorry.
01:09:39Sorry.
01:09:41Yeah, sorry.
01:09:43Sorry.
01:09:45Yeah, sorry.
01:09:47Sorry.
01:09:49Me too.
01:09:51Sorry.
01:09:53Sorry.
01:09:55I'm not sorry.
01:09:57Me neither.
01:09:59I'm really sorry.
01:10:01Sorry.
01:10:03You can't say sorry.
01:10:05Hi, Dad.
01:10:07Hank?
01:10:09What, are you mixed up in this?
01:10:11Yeah.
01:10:13Do you have sex?
01:10:15No, I don't.
01:10:17I didn't finish.
01:10:19For what?
01:10:21This guy's been running women out of his house.
01:10:23And this guy?
01:10:25He's been in the men's bathroom for money.
01:10:29Dad, I'm gay.
01:10:33My whole life I've been trying to be something I'm not.
01:10:35Oh, latent homosexuality.
01:10:37Exactly.
01:10:39Thank you.
01:10:41Hank,
01:10:43you're like yourself.
01:10:45You're totally cool role-playing in public,
01:10:47and that made me angry because I couldn't accept who I was.
01:10:51All right, um,
01:10:53how'd you two hear about this?
01:10:55Electronic surveillance.
01:10:57This is how they're going to solve crimes in the future.
01:11:01Did you get a warrant?
01:11:03Uh, why?
01:11:07Of course we did.
01:11:11All right.
01:11:21So what do we do now, Dad?
01:11:35Thank you.
01:11:37Hey, Cliff.
01:11:39Life-threatening situations, man.
01:11:43What does that mean?
01:11:47You gonna claim Bucky or not?
01:11:49He was arrested three days ago,
01:11:51breaking into a soup kitchen.
01:11:53He's been in jail?
01:11:55Dad.
01:11:59Okay.
01:12:01I'll drive.
01:12:07Okay.
01:12:31I still don't know where they're going.
01:12:37Thanks for coming to meet my family.
01:12:57What are you...
01:13:07It's better.
01:13:33Yeah.
01:13:37Okay.
01:13:59Ruby, this is my grandfather.
01:14:01Bucky.
01:14:03Hi.
01:14:06I'm getting evicted from the house.
01:14:11Who needs a house when you got a girl?
01:14:15Why did you give it to me?
01:14:19You're not here to pay my bail, are you?
01:14:25You can't give someone debt.
01:14:27I signed the deed.
01:14:29We went to a notary.
01:14:31But you didn't sign for the debt.
01:14:35That's fraud.
01:14:37He committed fraud.
01:14:41She's a keeper.
01:14:51I know.
01:15:02I'll see you around, Grandpa.
01:15:23Alexander, may I?
01:15:25Alex.
01:15:27Whatever.
01:15:31Bye.
01:15:41Thank you for letting me audition.
01:15:43I always wanted to go to college.
01:15:47When you're ready.
01:16:01Bye.
01:16:31Bye.
01:16:55Hi.
01:16:57Are you here for the auction?
01:16:59Yes.
01:17:03Why do people keep asking that?
01:17:15I just need one more extension.
01:17:19I think you need to get your hands looked at.
01:17:29Please, Mr. Buildocker.
01:17:31I love this job.
01:17:33I love all this crap.
01:17:35I'm sorry you don't have money for school.
01:17:37Why do you think I'm helping you push this piano?
01:17:59Hi.
01:18:01Hi.
01:18:29Don't tell me you're into this shit.
01:18:31I'm about to save an elf princess.
01:18:33Is she good looking?
01:18:59You
01:19:01You
01:19:03You
01:19:05You
01:19:07You
01:19:09You
01:19:11You
01:19:13You
01:19:15You
01:19:17You
01:19:19You
01:19:21You
01:19:23You
01:19:25You
01:19:27You
01:19:29You
01:19:31You
01:19:33I
01:19:35I
01:19:37I
01:19:39I
01:19:41I
01:19:53I can sing too.
01:19:55Yeah, okay.
01:20:07So, how'd it go?
01:20:11I think it went okay.
01:20:13Congratulations.
01:20:16I lied to you.
01:20:19I lied to you. I told you that I get laid a lot and that's not true.
01:20:24I'm a virgin.
01:20:45Let's go.
01:20:54Scene credits, take three, mark.
01:21:15Scene credits, take four.
01:21:45Scene credits, take five.
01:22:15Scene credits, take six.
01:23:16Cut.
01:23:17Cut.
01:23:45Cut.