Fish Without a Bicycle Full Movie
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30Do you believe in destiny, fate some people call it, or could it be that the road not
00:00:41taken could have been the right road, you know, if you'd only taken it?
00:00:48I for one have no idea.
00:00:51That's why I've been documenting the recent events in my life, trying to figure out how
00:00:58I've made the mistakes that I've made, and God knows there have been a lot of them.
00:01:05Anyways, just trying to figure it all out, you know, this life thing where I fit in.
00:01:13So here I am, one hour and thirty-seven minutes away from being a quarter of a century old.
00:01:21I wonder what my mom would think of all this.
00:01:31Anyways, where to start?
00:01:34Hmm, Danny.
00:01:36See there was this guy.
00:01:50Sleepy, I'm sleeping.
00:01:57Are you feeling more breakfast-ish or lunch-ish?
00:02:01Something meaty-ish.
00:02:04That's my girl.
00:02:12Mmm, bacon bread.
00:02:15That was Danny, the most perfect, loving, sensitive guy on the planet.
00:02:20And to top it all off, he saves lives for a living.
00:02:23So why did I leave him and end our perfect little white picket fence existence?
00:02:28Let me introduce you to Michael.
00:02:30Have you ever met somebody who made your heart beat so fast you thought you might throw up
00:02:34all over his brown suede loafers?
00:02:36Well, I have.
00:02:39Thank you, Miss Juliana.
00:02:41Thank you very much.
00:02:47Miss Juliana, can you wait out back for a moment?
00:02:54Thank you.
00:02:55Thank you.
00:02:56Good job.
00:03:09Hey, I'm glad you got some talent.
00:03:11I don't want my future wife to be a total hack.
00:03:14Future wife?
00:03:16You do remember you're talking to a practically married woman.
00:03:20What, the fireman?
00:03:22Please, we, as in you and I, are going to be together.
00:03:26I knew that the minute I heard your voice over the telephone line,
00:03:30before I even saw you, it could have been some ugly fat girl.
00:03:34It's got to win some points.
00:03:37Have a drink with me.
00:03:38No.
00:03:39What are you afraid of?
00:03:41Boo.
00:03:42Okay, I'll tell you what, a business drink.
00:03:44You know, two peers enjoying a distilled alcoholic beverage,
00:03:48discussing the art of acting and all that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:03:54Good.
00:03:55See you tonight at the bar.
00:03:57The bar?
00:03:58That's a little vague, isn't it?
00:04:00No, silly girl, it's really called the bar.
00:04:03It's on Sunset.
00:04:04First of all, silly girl, I think not.
00:04:06Second of all, I don't date.
00:04:08I live with someone that I'm going to marry.
00:04:10Yeah, right, you keep telling yourself that.
00:04:13Oh, by the way, you got the part.
00:04:17See you there.
00:04:19Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
00:04:21That doesn't mean, no, no, no, I'm not going.
00:04:25I can't go.
00:04:27I won't be there.
00:04:35Hi.
00:04:36Hi.
00:04:37Looking for someone?
00:04:39I don't even know why I'm here.
00:04:41And it's not what you think.
00:04:43I'm not that kind of girl.
00:04:46Looking for someone?
00:04:48I don't even know why I'm here.
00:04:50And it's not what you think.
00:04:52I'm not that kind of girl.
00:05:15I'm not that kind of girl.
00:05:38Baby?
00:05:40Yeah.
00:05:45Don't wake up all the way, go to sleep.
00:05:49Did you get it?
00:05:52Yeah.
00:05:56Congratulations.
00:05:59Must be smart up there.
00:06:02Smart people on the moon.
00:06:10Good job.
00:06:15Go to sleep.
00:06:19Want to go to the stereo light?
00:06:31Some people say a single moment can change your whole life.
00:06:35A left turn, a right.
00:06:39A decision alters everything.
00:06:42Now I know what they mean.
00:06:54Go back to sleep.
00:06:56Okay.
00:06:58I'll see you in two days.
00:07:00Call me at the station?
00:07:02Okay.
00:07:04Congratulations.
00:07:24Okay.
00:07:45This better be highly entertaining.
00:07:47Vic, it's me.
00:07:48I did something really, really bad.
00:07:50Yeah, what did you fuck some random guy?
00:07:53Well, he's not exactly random.
00:07:56I can't fucking believe this.
00:07:57What the hell happened?
00:07:59Remember that Michael guy I told you about, the director?
00:08:01Oh, by the way, I got the part.
00:08:03Of course you did, you filthy whore.
00:08:05Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:08:06So not funny right now.
00:08:08Okay, so then I met him, you know, face to face for the first time.
00:08:11Almost peed my pants.
00:08:12Because he's like this sexy, clever, I don't know.
00:08:16He makes Danny seem really simple and...
00:08:19When I'm with him, it's like being, you know, in clever, clever land.
00:08:22I know that's no excuse, and I'm a horrible human being,
00:08:24and I'm going straight to hell in a basket full of ham.
00:08:27Well, I'm not going to disagree with you there, but...
00:08:31You know, I keep saying, baby,
00:08:32you've got to get a couple more notches in your belt
00:08:34before you settle down and get married.
00:08:37You don't even know yourself yet.
00:08:39Have you ever been alone?
00:08:40No, you've always had some adoring guy there,
00:08:43some guy to pick up the pieces when you fall
00:08:46or when you barely stumble or stub your toe.
00:08:49And I just think it's time to get out into the world and take some risks.
00:08:52And you know what else, baby?
00:08:53Vic, you're doing that preachy thing again.
00:08:56Hey, Hoback, you want my help or not?
00:08:59Hoback. Yeah, I do.
00:09:02Don't tell Danny a thing.
00:09:05Move in with me for a little bit until you sow your wild oats.
00:09:09I've always wanted to use that expression.
00:09:11And when you're done, you go back to Danny.
00:09:13Or you might not go back to Danny.
00:09:15I mean, baby, he is your first.
00:09:18Like if you've eaten brie your whole life.
00:09:22Sure, it's a mild and tasty cheese,
00:09:25but how do you know it's your favorite
00:09:27until you try, let's say, a Gouda or a Spicy Pepper Jack?
00:09:32So come stay with me for a little bit.
00:09:36Try lots of different cheeses.
00:09:37And when you're done, Danny will be waiting.
00:09:40Oh, but really important, okay?
00:09:41So listen up.
00:09:42Do not, I repeat, do not tell him there's someone else.
00:09:46He'll fuck up the whole thing.
00:09:48That's so wrong.
00:09:50Do you think it'll work?
00:09:52Absolutely.
00:09:53Just tell him you need a little time to find yourself.
00:09:56Code for I want to fuck other people.
00:09:58He loves you. He'll wait.
00:10:00Goddamn, I am good.
00:10:02Or really evil. Jury's still out.
00:10:04Hey, I am not the one with the big scarlet A on my chest.
00:10:07Touche.
00:10:09Now, on to the important stuff.
00:10:12I want to hear all the gruesome details about the sax.
00:10:14Are you working lunch?
00:10:15Okay, how was the oral?
00:10:17Ah, inappropriate.
00:10:19Please, you had sex on the first date.
00:10:21Well, technically it wasn't even a date, so that's even worse.
00:10:24So cut the demure act and no longer holds up.
00:10:26Yeah, he was good, fine. He's very skilled.
00:10:29How was the tongue action?
00:10:30Oh God, not the propeller, I hope.
00:10:32Definitely a less is more kind of guy.
00:10:35What about the cock?
00:10:37Let's just say his peignoir is quite adequate.
00:10:41His penoir?
00:10:42His peep.
00:10:43Peep?
00:10:45Fine, his penis.
00:10:47It's pornographically large and it curves to the right
00:10:53with veins and ridges and things, but not too many.
00:10:56And his semen tastes like warm maple syrup.
00:10:59Graphic enough for you?
00:11:05Well done, my little girl is growing up.
00:11:08He's just good at everything.
00:11:10Very different than with Damien.
00:11:11I guess I actually do like sex.
00:11:13I think I saw God.
00:11:15He was perfect, it was perfect.
00:11:17He actually has a remote for the fireplace.
00:11:20Ah yes, nothing like fake locks to set the mood.
00:11:24Remote control fireplace.
00:11:27A little cheesy, I know.
00:11:29Nonetheless, I made sure it was part of the selling price.
00:11:32Oh, so you own this place then?
00:11:35I do, yes.
00:11:36Not only am I mildly handsome and relatively talented,
00:11:39I also have family money.
00:11:41That must be nice.
00:11:43I've had to work since I was 13.
00:11:46That's probably good for you.
00:11:47It builds character.
00:11:49I presume that means that you have a new character?
00:11:53Evidently.
00:11:58I should go.
00:12:00I'm going to go.
00:12:01Do you want to see my etchings?
00:12:03Etchings?
00:12:05Smooth.
00:12:06They were very good etchings.
00:12:08Very masterfully done.
00:12:10Shut up.
00:12:11He just, I don't know, okay.
00:12:13Maybe it wasn't that romantic.
00:12:14He says these things, you know,
00:12:16that on somebody else it might not seem like that big of a deal,
00:12:18but on him it's just perfect.
00:12:21Perfect.
00:12:22I know the type, danger.
00:12:23That's all I'm saying.
00:12:24Oh God, can we hold you to that?
00:12:26Yeah, you can.
00:12:27Just do what you want.
00:12:28It's about time you had a little danger in your life.
00:12:29Yes, that is true.
00:12:30I should have danger.
00:12:32I should throw worry to the wind.
00:12:34You guys better look out,
00:12:35because I'm a danger girl from now on.
00:12:37I'm going to wear a cape the whole thing.
00:12:38Okay, okay, if one more person, any of you,
00:12:40say danger in the next two minutes, I'm going to lose it.
00:12:42And sweetie, it's throw caution to the wind.
00:12:45Whatever.
00:12:47Oh, what time is it?
00:12:48Oh, keys, late, rehearsal.
00:12:50I got to go.
00:12:51Bye, Adam.
00:12:52Ah, Miss Juliana, meet Master Benjamin.
00:12:54You'll be playing the role of Johnny.
00:12:56It's just Ben.
00:12:59You look like a Johnny.
00:13:01I'm kind of like a cowboy.
00:13:03Oh, well, I'm from Dayton, Ohio, actually.
00:13:06But, you know, it's funny,
00:13:07I always had kind of a non-sexual crush on Clint Eastwood.
00:13:11Really?
00:13:12Yeah, quintessential Marlboro man.
00:13:13Me too.
00:13:14Okay, enough niceties.
00:13:16Let's get a couple things out of the way.
00:13:18I am the director.
00:13:19Therefore, as actors,
00:13:20I expect you guys to follow my direction and fill it.
00:13:24I know what I'm doing, so trust me,
00:13:26and I promise you I will steer you in the right direction.
00:13:29Okay?
00:13:30Juliana, all that smiling you were doing in the audition,
00:13:34it's out.
00:13:35This character doesn't smile.
00:13:37All right?
00:13:39And Brad.
00:13:40Ben.
00:13:41Ben, I'm sorry.
00:13:42Ben, you seem too...
00:13:45faggoty, for lack of a better word.
00:13:48Man them up, okay?
00:13:49Maybe wear a cowboy hat to every rehearsal.
00:13:52Boots, I think it would be a good idea to ground you.
00:13:55All right?
00:13:56Okay, why don't we do this?
00:13:57We'll take it from the top.
00:13:58No pressure, relaxed.
00:14:00I'll watch it.
00:14:01If I see something I don't like, I'll stop you.
00:14:04Okay?
00:14:05So let's take it from the top.
00:14:07This is when you're first coming in,
00:14:09the first time you're seeing her, right?
00:14:13Okay, let's stop right there.
00:14:17You're a good actor,
00:14:18but I don't believe you at all.
00:14:21All right?
00:14:22You're coming in like a dancer.
00:14:24This guy's not a dancer.
00:14:25He's a cowboy.
00:14:27You understand?
00:14:28You're coming in with this apology.
00:14:30This guy doesn't apologize to anybody.
00:14:32You come in, you own your space.
00:14:34Most importantly, you own her.
00:14:36Someone you want, a sexy gal, okay?
00:14:39You gotta be, you know, this is an alpha male,
00:14:42not a beta male.
00:14:43Okay.
00:14:44You looking at me?
00:14:45Yeah.
00:14:46All right?
00:14:47Alpha male.
00:14:48Gotta change your thinking a little bit.
00:14:49All right?
00:14:50Can you do me a favor?
00:14:52Can you tighten your neck up a little bit?
00:14:54You know what I mean by that?
00:14:55A little loosen the neck, a bit of a swivel head.
00:14:57All right?
00:14:58Tighten up.
00:14:59All right?
00:15:00Square up.
00:15:01Square up.
00:15:02Man up.
00:15:03Okay?
00:15:04Take it again.
00:15:05Have fun.
00:15:10No!
00:15:11Okay, so you're winding up.
00:15:13All right?
00:15:14You were really something in there.
00:15:16Yeah?
00:15:17Yeah.
00:15:18Something good or something really bad?
00:15:21Because that's really one of those open-ended comments
00:15:23that could go either way.
00:15:24It's kind of like you look stunning.
00:15:27Could mean you're a real beauty
00:15:29or you could stop people in their tracks
00:15:31with the sheer grotesqueness of your physical form.
00:15:34Exactly like that, yeah.
00:15:37You're funny.
00:15:39Funny ha-ha or funny weird?
00:15:41See, that's another one.
00:15:42Oh, yes, it is.
00:15:50So is he stalking you or...?
00:15:54Mine.
00:16:00Wow, that was very awkward.
00:16:04You think?
00:16:08Oh, Jesus.
00:16:14Whew.
00:16:16Oh, my God.
00:16:23Wow.
00:16:24Wow.
00:16:28That wasn't too bad.
00:16:29First time swallowing, huh?
00:16:31Yep.
00:16:32Yeah, we'll get used to it.
00:16:33We get married.
00:16:34That is part of the prenup.
00:16:36Prenup?
00:16:37Family money, remember?
00:16:38Pretty romantic prototype there.
00:16:40Yeah, well, what can I say?
00:16:42I'm smooth.
00:16:44Oddly enough, you are.
00:16:46Okay.
00:16:47Yeah.
00:16:50Cheek, cheek.
00:16:52Gotta wait 20 minutes before I kiss the mouth.
00:17:19Pay attention to me.
00:17:22Meow.
00:17:25Come on, sweetheart.
00:17:28You've been meditating for like two hours.
00:17:32Pay attention to me.
00:17:34Pay attention to me or I'm gonna urinate on the ground.
00:17:37Okay, first of all, I'm having proximity issues, okay?
00:17:39And second of all, stop being so fucking needy.
00:17:41Not a good color on you.
00:17:44Sorry.
00:17:46Left my first love in a crying heap on the ground today.
00:17:48I might be a little needy.
00:17:49Okay, first of all, we ought to establish something.
00:17:51I'm not that guy, all right?
00:17:52I'm not so much with the being needy.
00:17:54If that's who you are, go to Vicky.
00:17:56God knows she has nothing better to do
00:17:58than be at your beck and call.
00:18:03You amaze me.
00:18:09Come on.
00:18:11Wait.
00:18:12Sugar snatch.
00:18:14All right, I'm sorry, I'm...
00:18:17I'm trying to get centered.
00:18:18You're all over me.
00:18:19I had a stressful week.
00:18:23Where are you going?
00:18:25You're leaving?
00:18:26That's mature.
00:18:35Okay, so I realized I was still in my jammies.
00:18:38If you laugh, I'll kill you.
00:18:50What happened?
00:18:51He has proximity issues.
00:18:54What?
00:18:55I put my arms around him
00:18:56because I needed some attention,
00:18:58you know, with the whole Danny thing.
00:19:00He said that I was needy and yelled,
00:19:02proximity.
00:19:03What a fucking asshole.
00:19:05Baby, don't even make this about you for a second.
00:19:08We're gonna go home,
00:19:10unpack your things over Cosmos,
00:19:12and I'm sure he'll realize the error of his ways.
00:19:15I'm sure he'll realize
00:19:17I'm sure he'll realize the error of his ways
00:19:19and call and beg for your forgiveness.
00:19:22Maybe I'm making a mistake.
00:19:25I mean, Danny's so perfect, right?
00:19:32Do I smell that?
00:19:36No, you're right.
00:19:39And I never told you this,
00:19:41but he used to make me dress up
00:19:44in heels and this crotchless fishnet body stocking
00:19:49when I cooked him dinner.
00:19:51Don't laugh, creepsicle.
00:19:56At first, it was just for special occasions,
00:19:58you know, like birthday, Valentine's Day,
00:20:01and then he wanted it all the time.
00:20:05Cheesy.
00:20:07And the sex was just so acrobatic.
00:20:11He always wanted it to last like three hours
00:20:14with all these positions he read about
00:20:16in some Kama Sutra book.
00:20:18And if I wasn't in the mood, he'd get all pouty.
00:20:21There's one time he freaked out and broke that snow globe.
00:20:25Remember that one that played for Elise?
00:20:27I love that thing.
00:20:30I love Michael.
00:20:33I'm gonna call him.
00:20:36No. Yeah.
00:20:37Baby, you cannot give away your power like that.
00:20:40Okay, hey, listen, listen.
00:20:43Yeah. Yeah.
00:20:46Yeah, I love that song.
00:20:48Yeah, crank it.
00:20:50Ha-ha.
00:20:51Ha.
00:20:54Ha-ha.
00:20:56No.
00:20:57Holy shit.
00:20:58Then let me call her still on,
00:21:00because you could be a fly girl.
00:21:02Don't bother me. I'm dancing.
00:21:04Is that what you kids are calling it these days?
00:21:08Turn it down. Turn it down.
00:21:10Hello?
00:21:11Hey, it's Ben.
00:21:13Ben?
00:21:15Oh, Ben.
00:21:17Sorry, I just...
00:21:19Are you okay? Do you need anything?
00:21:22No.
00:21:23I was hoping maybe we could run lines over dinner.
00:21:26I can't. I gotta go.
00:21:29Okay.
00:21:31We need to go out.
00:21:33We are going out,
00:21:36torturing lots of men,
00:21:38and not mentioning this bond of Satan.
00:21:42Hey, can I buy you a drink?
00:21:44What?
00:21:45Can I buy you a drink?
00:21:47If you buy me a drink,
00:21:49will I be expected to talk to you?
00:21:51Yeah, that's... that's...
00:21:53I'll talk to you later.
00:21:56Hurry up.
00:21:58I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:22:00I'm sorry.
00:22:02I'm sorry.
00:22:03I'm sorry.
00:22:05I'm sorry.
00:22:06I'm sorry.
00:22:08I'm sorry.
00:22:09Yeah, that's kind of what I was aiming at.
00:22:12Then it would be a bad investment for you.
00:22:15Bye.
00:22:17Holy shit, baby, that was harsh.
00:22:20That was so unlike you and frighteningly close to me, but well done.
00:22:23Let the torture begin.
00:22:25Welcome to the dark side.
00:22:32Two shots of tequila?
00:22:34Are you in the Solid Gold Dancer?
00:22:36Yeah, do I have to pay extra for the comedy?
00:22:38No, comedy's on the house.
00:22:41That's mighty right of you.
00:22:43Thanks.
00:22:45Yeah! Yes!
00:22:58When I first met him,
00:23:00Danny was, like, so manly
00:23:04and fit.
00:23:07What?
00:23:08What?
00:23:09Manly and fit.
00:23:12I used to like it.
00:23:14And then after a while, his limbs were just heavy.
00:23:20Limbs.
00:23:21That's a funny word, limbs.
00:23:23Yeah, it's hilarious.
00:23:25I guess he just had a fitness fetish.
00:23:29Fetish.
00:23:31A foot fetish.
00:23:33And actually a fetish for gay porn.
00:23:36Well, the gay porn thing is understandable.
00:23:41But feet, that's...
00:23:43Gross.
00:23:45Can I have two more?
00:23:46Gross.
00:23:47Thanks.
00:23:48I guess I didn't know everything about the perfect couple.
00:23:51I suppose that could be because you totally ditched me when he came into the picture,
00:23:54but we'll save that discussion for another time.
00:23:57Anyway, why didn't you tell me?
00:23:59You said it was disrespectful to discuss your relationship with other people.
00:24:05Well discussed away.
00:24:07How'd the scene go down?
00:24:08What scene?
00:24:09Oh, the breakup scene?
00:24:12More horrifying than you could possibly imagine.
00:24:30What are you doing up?
00:24:36It's funny, I was actually just thinking about when you used to hang out and wait for me by the door,
00:24:40just like a little puppy.
00:24:46Going somewhere?
00:24:56Hi.
00:24:58Aw.
00:25:00It's nice to see you, baby.
00:25:05I'm leaving.
00:25:12You're leaving?
00:25:17You're leaving, leaving?
00:25:20Yeah.
00:25:24Where are you going?
00:25:27I gotta, I gotta go find myself.
00:25:29I don't know, I'm confused.
00:25:31You gotta go find yourself?
00:25:32I know that sounds cliche.
00:25:33I'm sorry, I don't know.
00:25:35I don't have any answers.
00:25:38What do you mean you gotta go find yourself?
00:25:40Find yourself?
00:25:41What are you talking?
00:25:42I'm not happy.
00:25:44How can you not be happy?
00:25:46What's there not to be happy about?
00:25:47We've got a wonderful life here.
00:25:49Something's different.
00:25:51Something's just changed for me.
00:25:56Are you seeing someone?
00:26:00Are you seeing someone?
00:26:04Don't even tell me.
00:26:05Are you seeing someone?
00:26:07Let's not do that.
00:26:09Are you seeing someone?
00:26:13Just let me go.
00:26:14Let you go? You're not walking out this door until you tell me what the fuck is going on.
00:26:18Fine.
00:26:19I'm seeing someone, okay?
00:26:23I'm sorry.
00:26:24Who?
00:26:27Just let me go.
00:26:28Who are you seeing?
00:26:30Just let me go, please.
00:26:33Get the fuck out of here.
00:26:34Get the fuck out of here.
00:26:36Get the fuck out.
00:26:37That's horrifying.
00:26:39My dear girl, you have been so sheltered.
00:26:45Let me tell you a little story.
00:26:48I was dating this guy, Jonathan.
00:26:50Total trust fund baby, right?
00:26:53Yeah.
00:26:54I'm bored.
00:26:55I'm going to go.
00:26:57When you're over this, call me.
00:27:01Better yet, don't call me.
00:27:03I will call you.
00:27:05I'm not done talking yet.
00:27:06Really, Vic?
00:27:07Are you ever done talking?
00:27:10No, you cannot just say that.
00:27:12No, you cannot.
00:27:13You're not going to.
00:27:16You cannot just leave.
00:27:17Fuck you.
00:27:18Fuck you.
00:27:19Fuck you.
00:27:22Motherfucker.
00:27:33Needless to say, he never did call.
00:27:38That is the foulest thing I've ever heard.
00:27:43You're my hero.
00:27:45Yep, that's me, the superhero that flings tampons at the speed of light.
00:27:50So in comparison, I would say your breakup was quite dignified.
00:27:55I got both.
00:27:58Another round, please?
00:28:00No, I can't.
00:28:03It's okay, I'll hold your hair while you puke.
00:28:15Okay, get it out.
00:28:16All out, baby.
00:28:17It's out.
00:28:18It's out.
00:28:19Okay.
00:28:22Okay.
00:28:23Sorry.
00:28:24Sorry.
00:28:26All right.
00:28:27Up.
00:28:28See Daisy.
00:28:30Okay.
00:28:31Okay.
00:28:32Over here.
00:28:36Thank you.
00:28:37Thank you.
00:28:46That cabbie was hot.
00:28:50I wanted to give him my number, but you can't take the help.
00:28:54The help?
00:28:56What are we, the Kennedys?
00:29:02Ronnie, I want my key back.
00:29:08Shh.
00:29:15No messages.
00:29:18I don't get it.
00:29:19He used to call me like every ten minutes in the beginning.
00:29:21In the beginning, Jules?
00:29:22You've known the man a month.
00:29:23This is still the beginning.
00:29:25I wonder if he's met somebody else.
00:29:27Maybe I should go talk to him.
00:29:28Will you take me?
00:29:29No.
00:29:30No way.
00:29:31You do not want him to see you or smell you like this.
00:29:33Men are very visual, a.k.a. shallow.
00:29:35Next time he sees you, you have to look hot-ass.
00:29:37That is, if you're hell-bent on this guy, which I don't get.
00:29:39But whatever.
00:29:41You also need to remind him that there are plenty of guys
00:29:43who want to give you the hot beef injection.
00:29:45Hot beef injection?
00:29:47I know, good stuff.
00:29:48Compliments of the cinematic gem, The Breakfast Club.
00:29:50When's the next rehearsal?
00:29:51One day.
00:29:53Okay, that gives us two days to get you a rockin' dress
00:29:55and three dates.
00:29:56We'll call Lola.
00:29:57She knows tons of guys.
00:29:59Why doesn't he call?
00:30:00Why?
00:30:01Why?
00:30:02Why?
00:30:03Why?
00:30:04I have a game plan, and who better to guide you
00:30:06than the Princess of Darkness?
00:30:07That, of course, being me.
00:30:09That's what I do these days, give myself self-proclaimed titles.
00:30:11God, my life is sad.
00:30:13Yeah, well, I don't feel like playing.
00:30:15I just want to love him.
00:30:17I have no game.
00:30:19And what happens when you just love him?
00:30:20Let me remind you.
00:30:21Proximity, need I say more?
00:30:23Yeah, yeah.
00:30:25You know, and he totally had me.
00:30:27And hello?
00:30:28The first time I went to his place,
00:30:30he asked me if I wanted to see his deck.
00:30:33His what?
00:30:34No, not my dick.
00:30:35My deck, as in my patio, balcony.
00:30:39Right, yeah.
00:30:40That's, that's what I thought you meant.
00:30:41Right.
00:30:43Shelf?
00:30:44Shelf.
00:30:55How come your telescope's facing that hotel?
00:30:58Because I have an unhealthy fascination
00:31:00with watching strangers have sex.
00:31:03Wow.
00:31:04Yeah.
00:31:05Can't believe you didn't even try and make something up.
00:31:08Deny it.
00:31:10But at least you realize it's unhealthy and perverse.
00:31:13I never said perverse.
00:31:14You're so puritanical.
00:31:16And yes, that is a word.
00:31:19Did you go to Catholic school?
00:31:20As a matter of fact, I did.
00:31:22And is Puritan anything like Amish?
00:31:24Because if it is, you're way off.
00:31:26Look, drinking, heavily.
00:31:29Wow.
00:31:31Impressive.
00:31:32I will now get you some more of the blood of Christ.
00:31:36Okay.
00:31:37From that moment, he owned me.
00:31:40I don't know, the whole thing just sounds a little too perfect.
00:31:43Call me cynical.
00:31:46Cynical?
00:31:48Guys like that know all the right things to say.
00:31:51I call them the wordsmiths.
00:31:53They're the most dangerous of their species.
00:31:57Cynical.
00:32:02Cynical.
00:32:24Smells like a vajinga in here.
00:32:26Honey, I'll get you both your alcohol.
00:32:28You know what, you should really treat yourself to a nice douche.
00:32:30You can come in here whenever you want, okay?
00:32:33That's just crazy talk.
00:32:34Don't you know the incredibly manly neighbor always gets the spare key?
00:32:37Honey, stop it.
00:32:38You need my protection.
00:32:40I do not.
00:32:42Oh!
00:32:43Good morning, my little brajo.
00:32:45Too loud.
00:32:47I need something greasy.
00:32:49Greasy?
00:32:51Don't make me laugh.
00:32:53Ronnie, go back to your apartment.
00:32:54FYI, my underwear drawer is now booby-trapped.
00:32:58Did you say booby?
00:33:01Have you ever seen that ad that said,
00:33:03every woman should own a dress that can make a grown man cry?
00:33:06Words to live by.
00:33:09Welcome to the Meat Palace.
00:33:11Would you like to try our zesty jalapeno poppers today?
00:33:14No, I'm trying to cut down.
00:33:16What do you want?
00:33:18Philly cheesesteak.
00:33:20Do you have a Philly cheesesteak?
00:33:22Philly cheesecake?
00:33:23No.
00:33:24Philly cheesesteak sandwich.
00:33:27I'm sorry, what was that?
00:33:28Philly cheese shake?
00:33:30No.
00:33:32Philly chee...
00:33:34Fuck.
00:33:36Two burgers,
00:33:38onion rings, fries, and two Diet Cokes.
00:33:43So it lives.
00:33:45That was high comedy.
00:33:47I think you have to be borderline retarded to work at these places.
00:33:56Oh yeah.
00:34:11Oh yeah.
00:34:13This is so the one.
00:34:17Oh for God's sake, who dresses you?
00:34:21Next time, it is all you.
00:34:25You're mommy's big girl now.
00:34:29Are you sure?
00:34:31Go.
00:34:36You should get a Playboy wax.
00:34:38Playboys?
00:34:40Yeah, they leave like a little landing strip.
00:34:43It's also called the Brazilian or around the world.
00:34:46Wow.
00:34:47You're a nerd.
00:34:48Wow.
00:34:49Your knowledge of hair removal is astounding.
00:34:52You should write a book.
00:34:54Or a pamphlet, at least.
00:34:56Hilarious.
00:34:58Holy shit.
00:34:59Good?
00:35:01Yeah.
00:35:02What would I do without you?
00:35:03Become a victim of the poly-cotton blend for starters.
00:35:06He looks spanking hot.
00:35:08He's toast.
00:35:09High five.
00:35:14Ow, no punching, no violence.
00:35:19Ow.
00:35:23I wonder if he's thinking about me.
00:35:27I heard if you write a guy's name a thousand times,
00:35:30that he'll come back to you.
00:35:33Or there's this spell with five red candles and honey,
00:35:38but I'd need a lock of his hair.
00:35:41Let's just try my way first before we run out
00:35:43and get a cauldron in the eye of Newt.
00:35:49I'm oddly attracted to Moe.
00:35:51Yeah, me too.
00:35:52Vicky, my cable's out.
00:35:54The yank's around.
00:35:55Maybe if you paid the bill, fucking guinea.
00:35:58Come here, Ronnie.
00:35:59Come sit by me.
00:36:00I'm feeling needy.
00:36:01She asked me to come sit by her.
00:36:03Dare I take that as a sign?
00:36:05Beat it.
00:36:06The yank's around.
00:36:07All right, I'm going to make some dinner.
00:36:09We just ate 18 candy bars.
00:36:11Okay, work with me.
00:36:12Distraction.
00:36:13Operative word.
00:36:14Okay?
00:36:15Okay, baby.
00:36:16Betty Crocker your ass off.
00:36:18Funny.
00:36:20Do me a favor.
00:36:21Keep it down in there.
00:36:22I already missed three and eight.
00:36:24What are you cooking?
00:36:26Boiled eggs.
00:36:27Why?
00:36:28You know how I feel about bubbles in water.
00:36:30Oh, yeah, right.
00:36:31I forgot.
00:36:32Can't play like O'Neal.
00:36:33Hey, girls, let me tell you something, all right?
00:36:35Yankees aren't a baseball team.
00:36:37It's a way of life.
00:36:38So let's get with it.
00:36:40How would you describe me?
00:36:42What do you mean?
00:36:44I was just thinking, you know?
00:36:46I don't even know how I'd describe me.
00:36:48That can't be good.
00:36:50What are my hobbies, my dreams, my aspirations?
00:36:55All that stuff I said about finding yourself
00:36:57wasn't just shit off the top of my head.
00:36:59I think you need to spend a little time alone.
00:37:02Maybe men aren't the answer.
00:37:04In the infamous words of Bono,
00:37:06a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
00:37:11So with this Michael thing, why do you want him so bad?
00:37:14Because.
00:37:17Because.
00:37:20Because.
00:37:23Because?
00:37:25Because.
00:37:29Because of the wonderful things he does.
00:37:34Okay, I'm going to pretend that never happened
00:37:36and I have that 30 seconds of my life back.
00:37:39Hey, guys, I love you.
00:37:40Come here.
00:37:42I love you.
00:37:43I love you, but not in a gay way, you know?
00:37:45Just like Viking men.
00:37:47But if you just have to have him back, here's the game plan.
00:37:50We're going to go get manis and petties
00:37:52and bikini waxes tomorrow.
00:37:54You'll be wooed by three men.
00:37:55I'll take care of that.
00:37:56Who you will use for your ego boost
00:37:57and then toss aside later.
00:37:59You'll be wooed by three men.
00:38:00I'll take care of that.
00:38:01Who you will use for your ego boost
00:38:02and then toss aside like rubbish.
00:38:04Finally, you will show up at rehearsal
00:38:06looking like Venus de Milo.
00:38:08With arms, of course.
00:38:10You will seduce him and leave him wanting more
00:38:12and the rest will be cake.
00:38:14Tell him that your character would dance
00:38:16in the scene that you're doing.
00:38:17Give your scene partner a pseudo lap dance.
00:38:19Shut up.
00:38:20Lap dance?
00:38:22Lap dance.
00:38:23Hey, hey, no balls.
00:38:24How about this, yeah?
00:38:26Huh, baby?
00:38:27Here you go, no balls.
00:38:29You know what this stands for?
00:38:30Boston sucks.
00:38:31That's what it stands for.
00:38:32Windex.
00:38:41Sure.
00:38:42No, you don't know who you're dealing with right now.
00:38:44Okay?
00:38:45Please, don't start with me.
00:38:49Yeah.
00:38:50So who's the man?
00:38:51Say it.
00:38:52That's right.
00:38:53That's right.
00:38:54Talk to you tomorrow.
00:38:56Score.
00:39:00Yeah?
00:39:02Hey.
00:39:03Smooth opener, but I'm not your girl.
00:39:06Double score.
00:39:08Are you guys roommates?
00:39:09Hot.
00:39:11Don't worry, Goldilocks.
00:39:12She's your girl.
00:39:13Yeah, sometimes we get drunk
00:39:16and go down on each other in front of company.
00:39:19Mimosas, anyone?
00:39:22Okay, kids.
00:39:23Have fun.
00:39:24Have her home by midnight or I'm calling Papa Bear.
00:39:27First one to Araya last year.
00:39:29My chakras are really off, you know?
00:39:33You got a lot of hair.
00:39:37Araya suggested I go to this meditation retreat
00:39:40up in Joshua Tree.
00:39:41So, man, it was four days of zen.
00:39:44Can you put up one of those scrunchie things
00:39:46so it doesn't shed all over the errand mobile?
00:39:48And it was zen that I realized
00:39:50I was a ninja in a past life.
00:39:52So I went out and got every book about ninjas.
00:39:55So I thought we'd go to the Mondrian for a little brunch.
00:39:58I got the best banana pecan crepes
00:40:00and then to Richie's for some chai.
00:40:02Oh, is Richie's a new coffee house?
00:40:04Oh, you're sweet.
00:40:05Don't lose that.
00:40:06Richie Geer's house, baby doll.
00:40:09He and my dad did a little movie together.
00:40:11You might have heard of it.
00:40:13It was really good.
00:40:15He and my dad did a little movie together.
00:40:17You might have heard of it.
00:40:18An Officer and a Gentleman.
00:40:27Oh, so you like to read?
00:40:30Actually, their book's on tape.
00:40:36So, uh...
00:40:40How about a little...
00:40:42Humvee before brunch?
00:40:47Did you just ask me to give you a head?
00:40:56Cancel bachelor number three.
00:40:58Don't even think about questioning me.
00:40:59And no, I don't want to talk about it.
00:41:01You have a visitor.
00:41:02Hi.
00:41:03Hi.
00:41:05What are you doing here?
00:41:07Boy, she really knows how to make a guy feel welcome, doesn't she?
00:41:10Sorry.
00:41:11Seriously, though.
00:41:12What are you doing here?
00:41:14Well, I just wanted to check up on you.
00:41:17I, you know, seemed pretty upset last night, so...
00:41:21Oh, that's nice.
00:41:23I'm fine, really.
00:41:25I was just kind of feeling a little depressed and...
00:41:30Hi.
00:41:32Hi.
00:41:33Hi.
00:41:35You, um...
00:41:36You want to...
00:41:37Yeah, let's.
00:41:38Yeah? Okay.
00:41:41You look really pretty today.
00:41:43Oh, thanks. How do you...
00:41:45Um...
00:41:46Thanks.
00:41:47Pretty cool, that is.
00:41:48That's annoying.
00:41:49Nice save.
00:41:50Thanks.
00:41:56So, what are you, auditioning for one of those blind date shows or something?
00:42:00Rehearsing?
00:42:01What did Vic tell you?
00:42:02Oh, she just told me that you've been on a few dates recently, that's all.
00:42:05Yeah, it's kind of silly, but, um...
00:42:08I'm trying to build up my self-esteem.
00:42:11For who? Michael?
00:42:14How'd you know that?
00:42:15Well, I'm a pretty... I'm a smart guy.
00:42:19Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about it.
00:42:21Alright.
00:42:22I mean, I shouldn't talk about it with you, you know.
00:42:24Okay.
00:42:25Might make rehearsals weird, awkward.
00:42:28Right.
00:42:30I love him.
00:42:32Hmm.
00:42:33But he makes me feel all, uh...
00:42:35All cloudy.
00:42:37All cloudy, you know, like...
00:42:39Like the morning after you've taken NyQuil.
00:42:42Oh, uh, medicine head, you mean.
00:42:46NyQuil, that's the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head.
00:42:49Aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine?
00:42:52Yeah.
00:42:53I thought I was the only one who stored arbitrary information in my mental Rolodex.
00:42:59No, no, I have a plethora of arbitrary facts myself.
00:43:02Arsenal, if you will.
00:43:03I will.
00:43:04Like, did you know that if you, uh, chopped up a Japanese sea cucumber and you put it in a dish,
00:43:09it would retake its original shape in 24 hours?
00:43:12Can't say that it did.
00:43:14Did you know that the woman who lived across the hall from the Jeffersons is really Lenny Kravitz's mom?
00:43:19That's fascinating, but I did know that.
00:43:22Uh, what's a tiramisu?
00:43:24An Italian dessert made with ladyfingers, soaked in espresso, topped with mascarpone cheese, and shaved Ghirardelli chocolate.
00:43:30Thank you very much.
00:43:31Very good.
00:43:32Who's the third tenor?
00:43:34Uh, I don't know.
00:43:37I don't know, you stumped me with that one.
00:43:39Yeah, good tangent though.
00:43:40No, that was a very good, very good tangent.
00:43:43So, um, so should we talk about, uh, Michael a little more?
00:43:49Maybe?
00:43:51Actually, I don't want to talk about it.
00:43:55I feel better.
00:43:57Well, that's good.
00:44:00Good, all right.
00:44:03Well, gosh, in that case, I guess I was your third blind date then.
00:44:07Golly, I guess you were.
00:44:15You're cool.
00:44:17Gee, thanks.
00:44:26He's a hottie.
00:44:27Can I have him?
00:44:28No.
00:44:29Why, do you want him?
00:44:31No, I don't want him.
00:44:33I'm in love, remember?
00:44:35He's just a nice guy, that's all.
00:44:37What, I can't date a nice guy?
00:44:41Touché.
00:44:44Remember, sexy and aloof.
00:44:48I can't do sexy and aloof.
00:44:51It's like a role.
00:44:52You're playing Marilyn Monroe.
00:44:56I feel more like Marilyn Manson.
00:44:58I can't do this.
00:44:59I can't pull this off.
00:45:02Whatever happened is simple, you know?
00:45:04Like, boy meets girl, boy loves girl, vice versa, they ride off into the sunrise.
00:45:10Sunset.
00:45:11Whatever, you know what I mean?
00:45:13And when did life get so complicated?
00:45:16Wish things were simple again, you know?
00:45:19Like when I was little and everything was like a slice of pie.
00:45:22Easy as pie.
00:45:23Whatever, you know what I mean?
00:45:26I just don't think I can do this adult thing.
00:45:30It's a lot of work.
00:45:32You just have to stop being so naive.
00:45:34Men are exactly like dogs.
00:45:36They have to be trained.
00:45:38A well-trained dog will always be there for you, licking you and panting like an idiot.
00:45:42That's kind of cynical, I mean...
00:45:45I want a man to be my equal, not my pet.
00:45:49You know, maybe I am looking at life through rose-colored glasses, but I just...
00:45:53It's rose-colored bifocals.
00:45:56Bifocals?
00:45:58That's weird.
00:46:00You know what?
00:46:02Maybe you're right.
00:46:04I mean, my way isn't exactly working like a charm.
00:46:08And I have always been good with animals.
00:46:11That's my girl.
00:46:15You're a genius.
00:46:16Sorry, it worked. It worked.
00:46:19I did the...
00:46:20Let's not pick out the china just yet.
00:46:22What happened?
00:46:23Well, I did everything you said.
00:46:24The lap dance, everything.
00:46:25And at one point, he took off his shoe and he threw it at me and said I was damn sexy.
00:46:29Isn't that great?
00:46:30He thinks I'm damn sexy.
00:46:31Oh, my God.
00:46:32I'm so excited I could throw up.
00:46:33Can you not give it in the news, please?
00:46:36First of all, I'm not too thrilled about you just jumping right back into this.
00:46:41Did he even apologize for proximity?
00:46:44Well, no.
00:46:45I mean, it didn't come up, but...
00:46:47How convenient for him.
00:46:49And secondly, the guy's a dick.
00:46:52I'm not listening. I'm not listening.
00:46:57Come on, Beck.
00:46:59Just be happy for me.
00:47:04You can't just be happy for me.
00:47:07You know what?
00:47:09Enough with the preaching already, okay?
00:47:11As you so condescendingly put it, I'm a big girl now, so why don't you start treating me like one?
00:47:19So I guess we're not painting my apartment this weekend?
00:47:26Women.
00:47:37Hi.
00:47:38Hi.
00:47:40What are you doing?
00:47:42I'm going to go to Michael's.
00:47:52Why would you do that?
00:47:54Um...
00:47:56I don't want to get into this with you.
00:47:58I don't... I don't...
00:48:00I don't... I don't want to fight with you.
00:48:02I don't want to fight with you.
00:48:04I don't want to fight with you.
00:48:06I don't want to fight with you.
00:48:08I don't want to fight with you about this.
00:48:10I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight with you at all.
00:48:12I just think it's maybe a respect issue that if you're staying at my house and then I walk in and you're leaving, you might want to tell me why.
00:48:19It's always about you, isn't it, Beck?
00:48:21It's a respect issue, isn't it?
00:48:24No, it is a respect issue, and it isn't always about me, actually.
00:48:28You do this every time.
00:48:31You do this every single time.
00:48:35You were all excited about, do the dress, and do this thing, and get him back, and then I get him back, and what do you say?
00:48:41I didn't realize you were going to be an idiot about it.
00:48:44I didn't realize that, like, I was going to help you with something, and then you were going to fucking run back to him.
00:48:49That's great.
00:48:50That's great.
00:48:51I'm an idiot.
00:48:52You know what?
00:48:54Aren't I always an idiot according to you?
00:48:56Actually, most of the time, yes.
00:48:59Yes, you are.
00:49:01I'm trying to help you.
00:49:03And you wonder.
00:49:04You wonder why you don't have any friends.
00:49:07You wonder why there's no guy that sticks around.
00:49:11No guy fucking sticks around because I don't stick around.
00:49:14Right.
00:49:15Fine, go.
00:49:16Go, go, go.
00:49:17Go.
00:49:18Go.
00:49:19I'm happy you're going.
00:49:20I'm happy you're coming.
00:49:21Good, good.
00:49:22Because I'm not coming back, okay?
00:49:23You can't get paid when you're here.
00:49:24You know, it's fucking hard.
00:49:25Yeah, because that's what's important to you, isn't it?
00:49:29Meaningless sex.
00:49:30Meaningless anything so that you don't have to think about yourself.
00:49:34This guy that you're going to go stay with, he doesn't give a shit.
00:49:38He doesn't give a shit.
00:49:40Nobody gives a shit, do they?
00:49:41No, they don't.
00:49:42It's all, it's just all a big joke.
00:49:45Yeah.
00:49:46Not to me, it isn't, okay?
00:49:50Okay.
00:49:58Hey, beautiful.
00:50:00Hey.
00:50:04Thanks for coming.
00:50:06I didn't know who else to call.
00:50:08Oh, it's no problem.
00:50:12Where's Michael?
00:50:14It's his Pilates night.
00:50:17He's done at eight.
00:50:19Pilates.
00:50:27I'm scared.
00:50:30All the time.
00:50:34I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or why.
00:50:41And I don't want to end up like my mom.
00:50:47She gave up.
00:50:52She gave me her engagement ring, you know?
00:50:57And I can't even wear it, I'm still so angry.
00:51:04But I'm starting to understand how life can do that to you, you know?
00:51:10Make you want to give up.
00:51:14I mean, is this it?
00:51:17Is this what we were in such a hurry to grow up and do?
00:51:21Because if this is it, I'm not so sure I'm interested.
00:51:30I really need her now.
00:51:36I miss my mom.
00:51:41I really miss my mom.
00:51:47I miss my mom.
00:52:09When I was little and I felt bad,
00:52:13my dad used to always dance with me.
00:52:17Here.
00:52:21Here.
00:52:24Here.
00:52:26Here.
00:52:47Hi, baby. What are you doing with that big bag? Are you moving in?
00:53:01Vic and I had a fight. I need to stay with you till I find a place.
00:53:05Oh, thank Christ. Ding dong, the witch is dead.
00:53:08No, don't do that.
00:53:10Oh, feisty. Okay.
00:53:13Tell you what. How about you blow me to take your mind off things?
00:53:18Now you like that.
00:53:20I'm kidding.
00:53:23Wow. Okay. It's gonna be like that.
00:53:27Just don't drag me into your little drama then.
00:53:35You're mean.
00:53:43Why do you act like this?
00:53:45Is it some deep-seated psychological trauma from your childhood or what?
00:53:50Do me a favor. Spare me the psych 101, please. It's so boring.
00:53:54I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here.
00:53:56Seriously, why do you act like this?
00:53:59Well, because I refuse to sugarcoat. That's why.
00:54:02I speak the truth. It may come across a bit harsh.
00:54:04But I refuse to deal with the bullshit most people pawn off as common courtesy.
00:54:09That's why.
00:54:10What? You're above common courtesy?
00:54:13Uh, yeah. I believe I am.
00:54:15Yeah? Well, you're certainly not above acting like a jackass.
00:54:23You know, you might actually try being nice to people sometime. You might like it.
00:54:27You pompous, arrogant jackass.
00:54:30Oh, my God. You are goddamn sexy when you're mad.
00:54:34Ow! Don't. That'll teach me.
00:54:37All right. That's it.
00:54:38Easy, easy, easy, temper. Come on. Take it easy.
00:54:40I'm sorry. I was being shitty, all right?
00:54:42I think it was the pilates released some toxins.
00:54:45I just want to come over and apologize.
00:54:47Tell you I'm sorry.
00:54:49Being shitty and stuff.
00:54:52Maybe also to bite your neck.
00:54:56Stop.
00:54:58Creep.
00:55:00Wait a minute. Am I a creep or am I a jackass?
00:55:03Both.
00:55:04I can live with that.
00:55:08You're skinny. You smell like apricots.
00:55:11Oh, you're goddamn sexy.
00:55:15Well, there's no need to blaspheme.
00:55:18Ah!
00:55:20Ah, I got me an eye.
00:55:27Love is a burning thing
00:55:31And it makes a fiery ring
00:55:37Bound by wild desire
00:55:41I fell into a ring of fire
00:55:45I fell into a burning ring of fire
00:55:50Went down, down, down
00:55:52The flames went higher
00:55:55And it burns, burns, burns
00:55:58The ring of fire
00:56:00The ring of fire
00:56:06I fell into a burning ring of fire
00:56:11Went down, down, down
00:56:13The flames went higher
00:56:15And it burns, burns, burns
00:56:18The ring of fire
00:56:20The ring of fire
00:56:23The ring of fire
00:56:26The ring of fire
00:56:29The ring of fire
00:56:32The ring of fire
00:56:35The ring of fire
00:56:37The taste of love is sweet
00:56:42When hearts like ours meet
00:56:47I fell for you like a child
00:56:51Oh, the fire went wild
00:56:56I fell into a burning ring of fire
00:57:01Went down, down, down
00:57:03The flames went higher
00:57:05And it burns, burns, burns
00:57:08The ring of fire
00:57:10The ring of fire
00:57:13And it burns, burns, burns
00:57:16The ring of fire
00:57:19The ring of fire
00:57:21The ring of fire
00:57:24The ring of fire
00:57:33Come in
00:57:38Hi
00:57:43Thanks
00:57:45You look great
00:57:47I'm really glad you came
00:57:49I'm really glad I came
00:57:51I'll stop talking now
00:57:54You were really something out there
00:57:57Thanks
00:57:59No, no, I mean
00:58:01You really have, that's something
00:58:04Now you sound like my mom
00:58:07She would have been proud, Jules
00:58:10You think?
00:58:15I really miss her
00:58:31Hey
00:58:32Yeah
00:58:33You're gonna get mascara
00:58:36All over this badass dress
00:58:39That you have not even commented on
00:58:44You look...
00:58:46Foxy
00:58:49That was some shameless fishing
00:58:51Utterly shameless
00:58:55Why don't you come with us to the bar for a drink?
00:58:57Who's us?
00:58:59The cast and me and...
00:59:01Michael
00:59:03Sure
00:59:05I'll bring Ronnie with me
00:59:07That way I don't have to be alone with him
00:59:08At least not until I'm good and liquored up
00:59:10Oh good, a panty sniffer
00:59:12What can I say, I'm having a dry spell
00:59:18Okay
00:59:21High five
00:59:25No punching
00:59:26Why with the punching?
00:59:29Hey
00:59:31These just came for you
00:59:33Wow, hey hot stuff
00:59:35Hey
00:59:36You're great
00:59:37Thanks
00:59:38I'll leave you to bask in your glory
00:59:41Okay, I'll see you later
00:59:50Dad
00:59:55Dad
01:00:00Dad
01:00:05I think it'd look better on me
01:00:09Get out of here
01:00:10Finish getting changed
01:00:14You know you should wear that thing more often
01:00:16I know it's cheesy
01:00:18And he calls me princess
01:00:20But hang on, I'm sure all dads do that
01:00:22No, not mine, thank Christ
01:00:25I don't think it's cheesy
01:00:27I think it's fitting
01:00:30You know what, your performance tonight
01:00:33In my opinion
01:00:35Was worthy of an Oscar nod
01:00:37Oh, you don't say
01:00:39No, I do
01:00:41Especially based on all the agents that left their cards for you
01:00:45You weren't too shabby yourself there, mister
01:00:48As for the agent thing
01:00:50I think I'm gonna have to pass
01:00:53I mean, I don't know, I...
01:00:55I don't know what's happening out there
01:00:57Under the lights and everything, but
01:00:59There's just something missing
01:01:03Well, you'll find that missing link
01:01:08And I don't mean a Neanderthal man
01:01:11Goofball
01:01:13I already have my caveman
01:01:16I know, and he does Pilates
01:01:19Have you always been this funny and charming
01:01:22And all around perfect?
01:01:24Yes, yes, and yes
01:01:26No, no
01:01:28Actually, I used to be a bit of a shady bastard
01:01:32I've been sober for four years
01:01:34And I actually have tattoos
01:01:36That I don't even remember getting
01:01:39Can I see one?
01:01:41You know, I don't think management would take too kindly
01:01:44To me dropping trial right here in front of the bar
01:01:46So maybe we should wait for another time
01:01:48Good thinking
01:01:51You're an odd bird
01:01:53I like it
01:01:55Hey, great job on the play tonight
01:01:57Thanks
01:01:58Yeah, I loved that costume and that hat was boss
01:02:00You should keep acting, good for you
01:02:02Yeah, hey, did you see Vicki around?
01:02:04Uh, no, but you know what?
01:02:06I'll go look for her
01:02:07I gotta walk around anyway, my foot keeps falling asleep
01:02:09I'll see you later
01:02:16Hey
01:02:18My two favorite people in the world talking
01:02:21They didn't know each other?
01:02:22Now we are, right, Vic?
01:02:24Okay, then just keep, you know, keep doing that
01:02:27And I'll just go back to where I came from
01:02:29Just don't wanna...
01:02:30Actually, we were just done
01:02:32I think you and I should get reacquainted
01:02:35I love you, sweet head
01:02:37Did I do good?
01:02:39I told you, sugar snatch, you were fine
01:02:42Talk about it later
01:02:43And do me a favor, please take off that ridiculous thing
01:02:46Don't worry, Mikey, you can wear it later
01:02:48Thanks, great talking to you
01:02:51I feel like we're really connected
01:02:53Gotta talk to guys
01:02:55I know
01:02:56Ronnie's looking for you
01:02:57I'll bet
01:02:58Man, you give him one great blowjob, they turn into a fucking beer tick
01:03:01He can wait, I need a smoke
01:03:04Wow, you were really great in the play
01:03:07I was a little disappointed, though
01:03:09I thought you might take your top off
01:03:11But that didn't happen
01:03:13I saw you last year in Danny and the Deep Blue Sea
01:03:17Man, you didn't take your top off then, either
01:03:19Cheated
01:03:20I usually see you up at Runyon
01:03:23Hiking up at Runyon, but I haven't seen you around in a while
01:03:25But you're probably busy, you know
01:03:29I'll put the top off
01:03:32Thank you for coming to the show
01:03:35Um, you know, you might wanna come back
01:03:38Anything can happen, it's live theater, you know
01:03:41We'll see you later
01:03:44Can I have one word for you?
01:03:46Stalker
01:03:47Oh, you are sweet
01:03:49Except he kept staring at my breasts
01:03:52A little awkward
01:03:54Besides, there's something to be said for being stalkworthy
01:03:57And now I know you're drunk
01:03:59I'm not drunk, give me one of those
01:04:01And smoking now, too?
01:04:03You are just living on the edge
01:04:05I told you, Vic, I'm throwing around caution when it's windy
01:04:10Oh, oh, look at me
01:04:12Breaking the no smoking in bars rule
01:04:15I'm a lawbreaker, rebel
01:04:18Jules, I need to tell you something
01:04:21I am a rebel
01:04:23Cool
01:04:24Oh, oh, I forgot to tell you
01:04:27Mike asked me to marry him
01:04:29Well, I mean, he didn't exactly propose, but he asked me to move in
01:04:33So I'm going, too, isn't that great?
01:04:36I'm happy for you, babe, whatever makes you happy
01:04:39And now you guys are getting along
01:04:41And, I don't know, maybe we can go on a double date
01:04:44You and whoever, and me and Michael
01:04:50Me and Michael
01:04:52Michael and I
01:04:54Isn't he amazing?
01:04:56He's amazing, Lauren
01:05:01Yes, I am a director and you are an actress
01:05:05How could you tell?
01:05:07You've got that je ne sais quoi
01:05:10A what?
01:05:11Sorry, that's French, studied in Europe
01:05:14That it quality, you know
01:05:16You should audition for my theatre company sometime
01:05:19You have your own company?
01:05:21Uh-huh
01:05:22Not only am I relatively handsome, I also have family
01:05:27You're more than relatively handsome
01:05:30Really?
01:05:31Hey, my jawline, what is it?
01:05:34My deep, dark, mysterious eyes, oh, the cleft
01:05:37Thank you, I had that, you know, surgically implanted
01:05:42Hey
01:05:43Hey
01:05:44Everybody's looking for you, they're taking pictures over there
01:05:46Oh, I'll go get Michael
01:05:50I'm gonna take this thing off
01:05:52Excuse me
01:05:58Michael
01:06:05Thank you
01:06:08Thank you
01:06:09Later
01:06:10Thanks a lot, asshole
01:06:12Now shut up
01:06:13You
01:06:14Okay
01:06:15What the fuck are you looking at?
01:06:20You know what, I'm looking at a truly pathetic human being
01:06:22Right, I get it, you're defending her honor, how gallant
01:06:25Just shut the fuck up, all right, you're not talking any way out of this one
01:06:28Let's go
01:06:29Are you kidding me?
01:06:30Is this where you tell me to step outside or put up your dukes?
01:06:33Or how about getting ready to open up a can of whoop-ass?
01:06:35Okay, how about whoop-ass?
01:06:36Oh, my God, no, not my face, not my face, please, not my face
01:06:44Baby, I am so sorry
01:06:49I saw this coming from a mile away
01:06:53I hate to say I told you so, but
01:06:55But you will anyway, right?
01:06:58Great
01:07:00Why don't you give yourself a great big pat on the back?
01:07:03You were right again
01:07:07Right about Michael, Danny, everything
01:07:15And did you ever think to just cut me a little bit of slack?
01:07:20I know I'm making mistakes left and right, and I am scared to death
01:07:25And I thought by this point in my life, maybe I could have a career or love or something
01:07:34So there you go
01:07:37You're the genius, I'm the idiot
01:07:40No, you're not an idiot
01:07:44I'm the idiot
01:07:48I can't believe I made the one person that I actually give a shit about
01:07:54I feel like this
01:07:58I'm trying to say something here, I just don't know how
01:08:05Jules
01:08:08You can have love
01:08:11What are you talking about?
01:08:16I love you
01:08:19I've loved you since the third grade
01:08:25Wow, that felt good to say out loud
01:08:29Do you remember when you were riding on my handlebars and you fell off and broke your tooth?
01:08:37That's when I knew
01:08:40I've tried to deny it and everything else and
01:08:46I mean, it's not like I'm generally attracted to women, it's just you
01:08:52I guess
01:08:54I'm gay, I don't know, I don't know
01:09:01I guess that's why no guy has ever stood a chance, because I've always been in love with the girl next door
01:09:08I know that sounds kind of sappy, but
01:09:10Okay, stop, please stop, okay?
01:09:12You're just gonna, you're gonna stop talking now, and we're gonna pretend that this never happened
01:09:18We're just gonna go back to the way things were before, okay?
01:09:21No, no we are not
01:09:25Jules
01:09:30I don't expect you to
01:09:33love me back, I just, I just want you to acknowledge what I just told you
01:09:41I can't do that
01:09:44This never happened
01:09:47This never happened
01:10:17This never happened
01:10:47Through this madness
01:10:52I can take it now
01:10:59Everything I planned
01:11:03Has crumbled into sand
01:11:08I once slipped into the sea
01:11:13Won't someone please save me from this pain
01:11:20Cause I'm going insane
01:11:24So take hold of me
01:11:29Just take hold of me
01:11:33Yeah, take hold of me
01:11:37You'll never let me go
01:11:42It can't be all that bad, darling
01:11:47Man trouble, right?
01:11:54Yeah
01:11:56Yeah
01:11:58Actually a little bit of everything trouble
01:12:02I feel lost
01:12:04Oh, lost is okay
01:12:06Sometimes you gotta be lost before you can find your way
01:12:10Confucius said that
01:12:13Or maybe it was John Lennon
01:12:16But talk, darling, it'll make you feel better
01:12:20Okay
01:12:32I don't know what I'm doing
01:12:35And I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life
01:12:39I think I'm in love with this guy
01:12:41But he just turns me inside out, you know?
01:12:45And then my best friend, out of the blue, kisses me and says
01:12:49I love you, I've always loved you
01:12:52Oh, well I'm rooting for that best friend
01:12:55I mean, if he says he loves you
01:12:58And he's your best friend, it's problem solved
01:13:02Not quite
01:13:05He's a she
01:13:07Well, honey
01:13:09Life's too short to worry about
01:13:12Color, gender, all that nonsense
01:13:17What matters
01:13:19Is who's your soulmate
01:13:23Could be a 65-year-old guy
01:13:26Could be a woman
01:13:29Who you bumped into
01:13:31And you dropped your book and she picks it up
01:13:33And looks straight into your soul
01:13:37Don't push away anything that doesn't fit into your little idea box
01:13:42As for what you're going to do with the rest of your life
01:13:46I can't help you there
01:13:49But I think you already know
01:13:54Look within
01:13:56That's where the answers lie
01:13:58I think I read that in a fortune cookie somewhere
01:14:04Oh my, look at that sparkler
01:14:08Yeah, it was my mom's
01:14:12She gave it to me before she died
01:14:16Said I might need it someday
01:14:19I had a daughter once
01:14:24I had a whole life
01:14:27I had a whole life once
01:14:34Seems like two lifetimes ago now, though
01:14:39Looks like I've got a little time on my hands
01:14:43Want to go grab a bite?
01:14:45Talk?
01:14:48I'm Juliana, by the way
01:14:51I'm Greta
01:14:53It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance
01:14:55Likewise
01:14:58Thank you
01:15:00I'll get that
01:15:03My chair
01:15:04Does it fold up?
01:15:05Yes
01:15:06Cool
01:15:08It's got a little handle
01:15:10Nifty
01:15:13You know, the star down here
01:15:14They have a bottomless cup of coffee
01:15:16They do?
01:15:26Hi, Mom
01:15:30I don't know where to start
01:15:35Um
01:15:37I'm sorry
01:15:39I'm sorry
01:15:41I'm sorry
01:15:43I'm sorry
01:15:45I'm sorry
01:15:47I'm sorry
01:15:49I'm sorry
01:15:51I'm sorry
01:15:53I'm sorry
01:15:56I forgive you
01:16:00There, I said it
01:16:04And I really wish that I'd said it before you died, but
01:16:09I was too busy holding a grudge to notice all the signs
01:16:15I guess you knew you wanted to die
01:16:19I guess everybody knew but me
01:16:26And I know that what you did to me wasn't your fault
01:16:30You were sick
01:16:31You needed help
01:16:32You needed somebody to help you
01:16:34But goddammit, Mom, why'd
01:16:43I'm sorry
01:16:45I just
01:16:47Wish you would've let somebody help you, you know?
01:16:55Do you remember
01:16:58That time
01:16:59That I
01:17:00I cut my foot
01:17:02When I went to the bozo circus
01:17:04And you let me sleep next to you
01:17:06And
01:17:08You sang me the Irish blessing
01:17:10And I picked at that mole on your neck
01:17:12Until I made it bleed
01:17:15I know that's a really weird thing to store in your mental Rolodex, but
01:17:21God, I loved laying there next to you
01:17:26The way your skin felt
01:17:32Anyways, I'm rambling
01:17:38I hope you're happy up there
01:17:41I hope they have lots of lemon drops
01:17:44Because I remember how much you liked those
01:17:55God that loves us all
01:18:02Hold you in the palm of his hand
01:18:11Oh
01:18:13I almost forgot
01:18:16Thanks for having such great taste in men
01:18:20Dad misses you a ton
01:18:23I love you
01:18:26Bye
01:18:52Bring down all of the stars
01:18:57Swallow your television
01:19:01Swans are smashing
01:19:06Kiss killer, take out the trash
01:19:11Bring down the stars
01:19:15Bring down the stars
01:19:19Bring down the stars
01:19:22You just follow your heart, dear
01:19:25And ask for a sign
01:19:40A sign
01:19:43Ask for a sign
01:19:46A sign
01:19:52Bring it down with me
01:20:11Bring down the stars
01:20:18Hey, it's um, it's Jules
01:20:20Hi, I'm sorry, I know it's late
01:20:23I just um, I'm leaving tomorrow
01:20:26And I wanted to say something to you before I went
01:20:31Yeah, I know, it's all very cloak and dagger
01:20:34But um, I'm staying at the hostel by the Y
01:20:37So if you could meet me in the morning
01:20:40Oh no, it's safe
01:20:42One more night's not gonna kill me, I hope
01:20:46Anyway, I'll see you then
01:20:49Okay, bye
01:20:52So, that's it
01:20:55That's my story
01:20:56And I'm sticking to it
01:20:59That's how I got to be right here, right now
01:21:03On my birthday
01:21:04August the 7th
01:21:06The year of our Lord, 2003
01:21:10Was it my destiny to meet Greta on the street corner?
01:21:14Is it my destiny to travel the country telling untold stories?
01:21:19I don't know
01:21:21But I feel like I'm starting to figure it out, you know?
01:21:25But for now, I am leaving Los Angeles
01:21:30Kind of like that Sheryl Crow song
01:21:32Only it's different because it's LA instead of Vegas
01:21:37But you get the idea
01:21:41Good, you're still here
01:21:45What are you doing, making a living will?
01:21:48Uh, yeah, no, kind of
01:21:52Wow, when you decided to take up smoking you really committed to it
01:21:57I got your message, I wanna go with you
01:22:00You do?
01:22:02Well, it's not like I've got any pressing business here
01:22:04Plus I got fired from the restaurant
01:22:08I was out last night
01:22:09That's why you got the machine
01:22:11I was drinking dirty martinis, wallowing in self-pity
01:22:15And when I got home, there was your message
01:22:18Linking at me like a beacon
01:22:21In the night
01:22:22I kept trying to call, but this Russian guy
01:22:25Kept answering the phone, trying to get me to have phone sex with him
01:22:28Yeah, that's Dimitri
01:22:30He lives across the hall
01:22:32Claims he used to be a czar from the old country
01:22:35Real charmer
01:22:37Yeah, Ronnie's gonna babysit the apartment
01:22:40So can I come?
01:22:42I've got a car, that's gotta be a selling point
01:22:46And if you're worried about me hitting on you, don't
01:22:49The idea of unrequited love is kind of intriguing
01:22:53Hopeless romantic
01:22:58Hopeful
01:22:59Good
01:23:09You know what?
01:23:13I really need to go do this by myself
01:23:16Can I at least drive you to the airport?
01:23:18Hmm, bus station
01:23:20Glamorous, nothing like going in style
01:23:26By the way
01:23:28You're a really good kisser
01:23:31Yeah?
01:23:32Yeah
01:23:33I mean, if I, you know, played for that team
01:23:36I'd definitely pick you
01:23:39Well, it would be between you and Angelina Jolie
01:23:49So?
01:23:50Aren't you even gonna ask me where I'm going?
01:23:53What I'm doing? Why?
01:23:55Nah, you're a smart girl
01:23:57You'll figure it out
01:24:00Can we please blow this pop stand?
01:24:03Actually, I need to wait for somebody
01:24:07To say goodbye
01:24:09Prince Charming, no doubt
01:24:11Yeah, Prince Charming
01:24:16It's for you, Julie
01:24:18His name is Michael
01:24:22How'd you get this number?
01:24:24I have my ways
01:24:26I'm Batman
01:24:28Wow, not even a chuckle
01:24:30Okay, I get it, you're mad
01:24:32I was ill-behaved
01:24:34But, you know, I've been doing some soul-searching
01:24:37I even miss the way you eat when your mouth is full
01:24:41Come on, I'm being sappy
01:24:43There's gotta be proof that I'm being sincere
01:24:45Come on, please
01:24:47You know I hate to beg
01:24:49You know what I could do?
01:24:51I could stand outside your window
01:24:53With a boombox playing Peter Gabriel
01:24:57You've got a lot of issues, Michael
01:25:00And I really hope you figure them out
01:25:03For your sake and, um...
01:25:07For the sake of every other woman
01:25:10In the greater Los Angeles area
01:25:15It's been a slice, Michael
01:25:18It's been a slice, Michael
01:25:21I gotta go
01:25:23Okay, I think you're being a little dramatic, don't you?
01:25:27Hello? Hello?
01:25:32Hey
01:25:34Hey
01:25:44Hi
01:25:47Hi
01:25:50Hello
01:25:58Wow, um, I had this all worked out in my head
01:26:02And now I'm completely blank, but here goes
01:26:06Okay, last night, I was really confused
01:26:10And this person told me to ask for a sign
01:26:14And I did
01:26:16And right in that moment, I saw this billboard
01:26:19And I looked up, and it was for Mentos
01:26:23The brush maker?
01:26:25Yeah
01:26:26And I, uh, I thought of you
01:26:29I have no idea why a bad mint advertisement
01:26:32Would make me think of you, but it did
01:26:36I don't need some abstract, arbitrary sign
01:26:40To tell me what's been true all along
01:26:46It should have been you
01:26:47I mean, I've always been picked, you know
01:26:50And then I just kind of went along for the ride
01:26:53But if I got to pick, I'd choose you
01:27:00Now, I know this is probably, like, a shock and surprise
01:27:04And I don't even know if you find me remotely attractive
01:27:06Or completely hideous
01:27:16Yeah
01:27:25Yeah
01:27:31You know, I was wondering how long I was going to have to wait for that
01:27:37So I have a, uh, my white steed is parked out front
01:27:43Yeah, tempting, um, but
01:27:47I've actually got to go
01:27:50I have to, um, wow, this is cliche
01:27:54I have to find myself
01:27:56Which I'm estimating will take about a year
01:27:59Because I'm an optimist
01:28:01And, um, at the end of that year
01:28:03If, you know, you're still interested in this
01:28:07I was thinking we could meet at, um
01:28:11Where'd they meet in Sleepless in Seattle?
01:28:14Empire State Building
01:28:16Hmm, right, though that seems a little melodramatic and practical
01:28:20It's far
01:28:21Far, yeah
01:28:22So how about at the end of a year
01:28:27Uh, at the stroke of midnight
01:28:30We could meet at the, um, the
01:28:34Starbucks on the corner of Highland and Franklin
01:28:38Starbucks is very romantic, thanks
01:28:39Okay, I added the midnight thing for dramatic effect
01:28:42Yeah, um
01:28:47Deal?
01:28:48Deal, yeah
01:28:50Yeah, let's just kiss
01:29:04Okay, break it up
01:29:08She's, um, she's got a best to catch
01:29:14Um
01:29:17Call me
01:29:20I will
01:29:21Okay
01:29:23All right
01:29:25Bye
01:29:26Bye
01:29:28Bye
01:29:29Bye
01:29:33You done good, kid
01:29:35Thanks
01:30:05Bye
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