American rescue squad action comedy musical movie
A group of mysterious villains known as "The Alliance" sets a trap for the Taxpayer. They imprison him, torture him, and make plans to publicly crucify him. Local janitor Richard Randolph rounds up retired Superheroes, and hatches a plan to rescue the Taxpayer. The villains stage a public rally, where many citizens come to watch the Taxpayer's crucifixion. The heroes invade the bad guy lair, and a large battle ensues. Various comedic and action-packed musical numbers are intertwined throughout the madness. In the midst of the big political debate and battle for mankind will the heroes save the day?
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FunTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:00:41In the beginning
00:00:42There was darkness
00:00:45Good honest hard-working citizens left their homeland in an effort to distance themselves from an overbearing and unscrupulous monarchy
00:00:53this new land brought promise of a second chance an opportunity for the people to pursue their own happiness a
00:00:59Place where the government couldn't just steal your money without asking a place where they could be individuals
00:01:07The people were quite happy with this new arrangement their king
00:01:12Unfortunately was not
00:01:14For a short period his highness maintained a level of control over the new colonies
00:01:20overseeing trade between them and Mother England
00:01:24Taking more money that didn't belong to him
00:01:26But this time the people rebelled as it turned out their struggles for freedom had taught them the true value of
00:01:34independence
00:01:35on July 4th
00:01:381776 they made it official
00:01:41Scribing their plans for Liberty onto the legendary document
00:01:45No longer would they have to suck any shit from their old oppressors. They became the masters of their own destiny
00:01:53Yes on that day the United States of America became the coolest fucking place on earth
00:02:00the celebrations, however
00:02:03Were cut short
00:02:05King George waged war on the free people of America
00:02:09Sending legions of his best troops to do his dirty work
00:02:13Once again, the Americans rebelled this time with guns
00:02:18They were willing to risk everything because they valued their independence even more than they valued their own lives
00:02:26for once they had a taste of the good life and
00:02:30There was no turning back
00:02:33They banded together
00:02:35Fought their hearts out and proved that numbers were not the only requirement for winning a war
00:02:41The British pushed and the Americans pushed back
00:02:45Volunteers from across the land answered the call and fought to defend their country
00:02:52After realizing they were outsmarted and outmatched the British like a bunch of pussies ran away and
00:03:00from that point on
00:03:02America became the nation that you didn't want to fuck with
00:03:08But foreign enemies were not the only threat that America would have to face
00:03:14Some of the lazier and less intelligent members of society believed that freedom should be a right granted only to whites and
00:03:22Again, a war was waged as fate would have it these narrow-minded rednecks got their asses kicked
00:03:31For America was a place where slavery would not be tolerated in any form
00:03:37The
00:03:39Moral conclusion was that no individual should have to work for the benefit of another
00:03:45That all citizens should provide the labor and the resources necessary to support themselves
00:03:51so a pact was made and
00:03:53Every u.s. Citizen promised to carry his or her own weight
00:03:58relying on the taxpayer only when absolutely necessary and
00:04:03once again
00:04:05There was darkness
00:04:07I
00:04:26Hello we need your help
00:04:31He knocked up some unsuspecting unemployed teenager I
00:04:35I'm in no shape for another rescue. I can't the authorities handle this the police are as overworked as you are
00:04:42This girl is alone. She's scared. She's in serious trouble
00:04:47She comes from a fertile family. She can't afford the morning after pill and you know bad dad never sheaths his sword
00:04:55And there's just one more thing
00:05:01She's Hispanic
00:05:05Are you there
00:05:26Are you okay? I was drunk. I told me he loved me
00:05:35I
00:05:37Know problem ma'am. I can provide you with an all-expensive paid trip to Planned Parenthood
00:05:42Or they'll provide you at the state-of-the-art abortion
00:05:45How far along are you?
00:05:47Eight months. Oh boy. No time for the VIP treatment. Looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way
00:06:04Oh
00:06:27This is the taxpayer I've been kidnapped I'm still alive
00:06:31But in three days time I will be executed
00:06:35My captors have no demands and will accept no money as substitution for my death
00:06:41on Tuesday, November 6 at 3 p.m.
00:06:48My sentence will be carried out and I'll be put to justice right before your very eyes
00:06:54Really this type of yard doesn't need an apostrophe. I mean seriously guys
00:06:59This is second-grade stuff here
00:07:05Whom are you calling? There's only one man. I know who can help in a situation like this who the taxpayer? Oh
00:07:13Good idea. Yes, you'll know what to do. Damn it. Pick up. What's the matter? He's not answering. Something must be wrong
00:07:23Well, who in the hell else are we supposed to call how about the police ah, they're no good what about the government
00:07:30That's us. We're supposed to know what to do in an emergency
00:07:33God damn it
00:07:35What do we do when we can't turn to the taxpayer? I
00:07:39Got it
00:07:41What about the playbook? Oh, yeah the playbook. It's got a solution for every possible contingency good thinking boys
00:07:50Yeah, let's see
00:08:00You all done with that, yeah, it's no good to us. Anyway, I couldn't help overhearing but
00:08:06Sounds like maybe you guys could use some help. Oh, yes, we could but the help we need is going to be executed in three
00:08:13days time I
00:08:14Might have an idea if you're thinking of calling the taxpayer. Don't bother. He's not answering. No, this is something else
00:08:23What about common sense and personal responsibility
00:08:25Common sense and personal responsibility. I haven't been active since the Reagan administration
00:08:30Yeah, I heard they flipped the city 20 years ago. They've been living up in the woods ever since I heard the same thing
00:08:37But I think I might know where to find them. What's the point? Those guys have been retired since I
00:08:42Was in the first grade. Yeah, what's so special about them? It's not like they have superpowers
00:08:48Actually, they do. Oh, yeah
00:08:50Yeah
00:08:51Common sense has the power of deductive reasoning. It's able to look at situations without filtering them through bias tradition or faith a
00:09:00true thinker and
00:09:02the other guy
00:09:03personal responsibility
00:09:05It's constantly striving to make himself a better person. He eats right
00:09:10Exercises saves his money. He reads he's 100%
00:09:14Completely self-sufficient and he never asked for anything from anybody else
00:09:19look
00:09:21We're desperate here unless you know how to get a hold of the taxpayer. This might be our only chance
00:09:36Hey, I know you
00:09:39It's hard not to be recognized when you're a billionaire you see the boys and I think it's time for a new stadium
00:09:48That's where you come in
00:09:50New stadium. What's wrong with the old?
00:09:53The local Sports Commission owns the damn thing
00:09:57Most the concession sales pass right by our nose and we don't even get a taste or a sniff
00:10:05concessions I
00:10:07Thought we were talking about football here. You see we've got plans for a
00:10:12billion dollars
00:10:14state-of-the-art
00:10:16stadium on the old Metrodome site
00:10:20Problem is we don't pay for it
00:10:23quite frankly neither do the
00:10:27What's wrong that state-of-the-art stadium I built you 30 years ago and more importantly
00:10:32Why would I pay to see the worst team in sports compete? Oh
00:10:37You're gonna pay for it, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it
00:10:54The following is paid for by pansy for president 2012
00:10:57Here comes a candidate who's fighting for you when there is trouble. He knows just what to do
00:11:04Pansy is his name spending is his game on the wealthy. He will lay the blame
00:11:11He robs from the rich and gives to the poor. There's more poor in their court. He will score
00:11:18some more
00:11:21There's more
00:11:26I'm congressman dick pansy, and I approve this badass music montage
00:11:33Boys and girls
00:11:35We're all gathered here today because we face a crisis an ever-expanding emergency
00:11:41the likes of which man or
00:11:45womankind
00:11:47Has yet to experience you see a new enemy jeopardizes everything we've worked so hard or
00:11:56Haven't worked at all
00:11:58to achieve
00:11:59And further wants us to actually pay for our own food
00:12:05schools roads
00:12:08homes and
00:12:10homes away from homes
00:12:13Now you will be told by this enemy that you no longer possess unlimited rights
00:12:20unlimited freedoms that life
00:12:23Isn't fair that people aren't created equally
00:12:29But what this misguided
00:12:32Ideology seems to be missing is heart ladies and gentlemen my point being
00:12:38That the enemy of which I speak to you today is indeed very powerful, but
00:12:43nevertheless I
00:12:44dick pansy
00:12:46presidential candidate possess a secret weapon designed to destroy and
00:12:51Vanquish it and in the process
00:12:53win the hearts and minds of the masses
00:12:59Consequently I give to each and every one of you gathered here today
00:13:05The ignorance
00:13:08And arrogance orbs
00:13:10Well
00:13:33I'm driving slow in the passing lane no need for headlights in this pouring rain. What is this knob?
00:13:40To the left of the wheel. I don't need insurance on my automobile
00:13:44Driving is just so hard and complex
00:13:47We got really small brains and rubber necks. I'm out on the road, and I'm all alone
00:13:52I'd ask you for help, but I'm on the phone
00:13:59Drivers
00:14:01They're stupid
00:14:04Retarded
00:14:07Oh look an accident
00:14:10I'm parking crooked and way over the line pay no attention to that lane and sign these pickles
00:14:16They seem strangely out of place
00:14:19ROTFL winky smiley face
00:14:24Bad drivers
00:14:31Despite having nearly been killed by the ignorance of a bad driver
00:14:35Richard Randolph arrived safely at his destination
00:14:43What remained to be seen however was whether or not the retired superheroes could be persuaded
00:15:05Who are you?
00:15:08No seriously, who are you? My name is Richard Randolph. I'm a friend friend. I
00:15:15Don't know you
00:15:17Never seen her talk to you
00:15:19Not even acquainted so it stands to reason we're not friends
00:15:24You are good
00:15:29We need your help
00:15:31Yeah
00:15:32Who's we?
00:15:34The entire city and if we don't do something soon the rest of the world, too
00:15:40Talk straight man. We'll give up on us 20 years ago
00:15:44Only the assholes the rest of us still believe in you. I'm sorry to let you down son
00:15:49Something left to believe in you might as well turn around and head back home look
00:15:53The citizens need your help the taxpayers been kidnapped what the taxpayer? Why don't you say so what happened to him?
00:16:01Some people took him bastards. They said they're gonna execute him on the 6th of November
00:16:08Dude are you planning trees?
00:16:11Let me educate you on something myself
00:16:13What the net cooling effect of a young healthy tree is equivalent to 10 room-sized air conditioners
00:16:20operating at full capacity
00:16:2220 hours a day
00:16:25No
00:16:27you see
00:16:28Planting trees is not a luxury
00:16:31It's a necessity
00:16:35Anyway our city hasn't been the same since you two left if you don't take action. It'll never be the same again
00:16:42If the taxpayer is in trouble
00:16:45We have to do something that's right
00:16:48It's the responsible thing to do we're doing it for him not for you
00:16:52You're gonna be doing this for everyone who needs you the city cannot thrive without common sense and personal responsibility
00:16:59We're in
00:17:01If we're going we'll have to make a stop first. Oh
00:17:04Are we all riding together then? It'd be quicker and easier plus. We'll save gas and money
00:17:11Cool, I guess I'll drive
00:17:16Where are we going to the prison prison? I thought you said you're gonna help us save the city. Why are we going to a prison?
00:17:24Your intentions are all well and good mr.. Randolph
00:17:28But with all due respect, there's only one way to save our city
00:17:32How birth control finished yet?
00:17:36Just give me a second
00:17:38We'll hurry up. We've got a visitor a
00:17:42Visitor yeah three of them actually
00:17:50Problem solved how is it that you know so much about plumbing?
00:17:53Simple you can't control your faucet. You got to close off your pipes
00:18:16Common sense it's been a long time indeed it has you look good
00:18:21Cut to the chase the Republic is in big trouble
00:18:25What else is new?
00:18:26It's bad. They've kidnapped the taxpayer. Who's that?
00:18:30You don't know yet some group referring to themselves as the Alliance
00:18:35People need you people are those the same people who put me here for passing out free condoms at the University
00:18:43People make mistakes all right, that's human nature, but they need us now more than ever
00:18:47We're getting the van back together
00:18:55I'm needed here
00:18:57Did you know that the state allows prisoners to impregnate women during conjugal visits?
00:19:03It doesn't make any sense
00:19:05I can either deal with the offspring when they inevitably wind up here, or I can solve the problem before it starts
00:19:12Besides I'm not going to do it
00:19:14Richard Randolph here works for the mayor's office. We can get you a full pardon sounds like fun
00:19:19But can't help a group of people who aren't willing to help themselves. Well. I'm sorry to hear that old friend times-up. You're crazy broad
00:19:25You know we can't make you do anything. You don't want to but just know that you have a personal stake in this mess
00:19:30What are you talking about? There's one confirmed a member of the Alliance who?
00:19:35bad dad
00:19:44Oh
00:19:58Okay, man
00:19:59We have confirmation that common-sense and personal responsibility have been temporarily deputized to fight for the city
00:20:07birth control is a maybe
00:20:09Sorry to interrupt boss, but what happened to Theodore the Department of Labor determined that our hiring practices are not in compliance
00:20:16with their standards
00:20:18He's been replaced by someone who's a little less
00:20:22pigment challenged
00:20:24in English, please
00:20:26We had too many white guys listen motherfucker. I told you you don't get your money. I
00:20:32Got a job now, so you replaced Theodore with a black guy
00:20:37meet Theo
00:20:39Can I get an advance wait wait?
00:20:41How is hiring someone because they're African any less racist than not hiring someone because they're African Theo?
00:20:48You were supposed to be here four hours ago. This kind of tardiness is not allowed in government agencies unless of course. It's the DMV
00:20:57Man, why are you tripping?
00:20:59It's cuz I'm black ain't it. No. It's because you're late. There's a big difference
00:21:06Meanwhile at the bad guy lair
00:21:09Nevertheless, and I've said this before
00:21:12We remain a constituency a nation your coffee sir cream two sugars
00:21:18Hey, I said two cream one sugar you're right, sir. I'm so sorry
00:21:23And Sebastian yes, sir. I told you tie bottom below your belt buckle. I'm sorry sir
00:21:29Is this guy really an essential part of our team? I mean all he does is nap
00:21:35And I thought I was lazy
00:21:38Fucking illegal aliens Jesus Christ not cool Donnie watch the blasphemy
00:21:43It's not nice to say things like that, and it's not illegal alien
00:21:48He's an undocumented American. How did this jibber-jabber foreigner make it in this league anyhow?
00:21:55I was on a two-year waiting list before I got in he just jumps the fence and here he is yeah
00:22:02The evil alliance he fled from is corrupt dangerous bankrupt
00:22:06He just come to our group with all his bad habits and expect a better turnout
00:22:13Check it my tongue. You know
00:22:16Sorry got your film banana
00:22:19Getting a video
00:22:20Shut up. You're dirty Mexican. Oh come on now. That's just plain offensive
00:22:25He's from Mexico, and he's covered in dirt
00:22:28How would you prefer I address him?
00:22:30Veg
00:22:31non-veg I
00:22:33Don't give a shit what you want. I'm ordering you a salad if you don't like it
00:22:38Maybe you should take a fucking English class for serious. I mean this is America
00:22:43right now
00:22:45Calm down people. We'll just call in the translator and get this all sorted out. He has every right to communicate with us
00:22:54Translator
00:23:00Translator
00:23:09Order my client gulab jamun extra curry
00:23:20My family came from India in
00:23:231963 and settled into Mexico where money grows on trees
00:23:27But when looking for prosperity they aimed a little low
00:23:32America is a place to be so that's where I did go
00:23:42My wife and I we got to work on baby
00:23:45She did bear and travel to the USA and through our anger there
00:23:50Healthcare school this is a place to be
00:23:53But the language is too difficult for an immigrant like me I
00:24:01Simply asked the government to translate when I sing but how much does the service cost?
00:24:08They told us to assimilate but could have been more clear I couldn't make any sense of that so I brought my coach
00:24:15over here
00:24:17Oh
00:24:32Wait
00:24:33If he's an illegal immigrant from Mexico, but he's of Indian descent is that still politically correct good question
00:24:40Can we still make fun of it? Yeah now you should never make fun of anyone
00:24:44Except the Republicans those heartless knuckle-dragging racist bastards
00:24:59Just sign your name just sign your name in black or blue. It's all the same
00:25:07You won't feel guilt you won't feel shame as long as you just sign
00:25:16Foods here gang great, but if we're gonna eat I am gonna get loaded first
00:25:36Oh
00:25:42Now come on don't throw your life away
00:25:45Yeah, and we're worried about you. No, everything's cool. It's not like passing a drug test is requirement for my government check
00:26:04Hey
00:26:07Did you know your picture is all over the news today
00:26:10No, how'd I look?
00:26:12What's going on Richard our common sense and personal responsibility really coming back to us. I hope so
00:26:18They're here in the city tonight. Did you put him up in a hotel? Yeah. Well, I mean if you can call it that
00:26:24personal responsibility doesn't believe in wasting money, so
00:26:28How did you get involved in all this? Anyway, I don't know. I guess I was just
00:26:32In the right place at the right time look, I'm not actually supposed to talk about it. Okay. How was your day?
00:26:38Oh, I don't know why I ever decided to become a teacher
00:26:42Because you have a gift. Yeah. Well these little shits don't deserve any gifts. I swear to God. Oh boy. What happened this time?
00:26:49It's like they don't even care and their parents obviously don't either
00:26:52But when these kids come home with D's and F's on their report cards somehow, I'm the bad guy
00:26:58We all need a bad guy
00:27:01I
00:27:10Hear you have a problem with my kids
00:27:15These are yours
00:27:17These are the ones I have this weekend and they said you're threatening to hold them back a grade
00:27:22These are your students. I thought you taught grade school. Hey, you act like it's so easy to get through school in six years
00:27:29It is your kids are fucking stupid, it's not true and I help them with their homework every third Saturday and
00:27:36Readings second Monday of the month unless there's a game on
00:27:41Maybe that's part of the problem. You want a problem bitch?
00:27:44Well, you've got one boys
00:27:47Teach us some manners
00:27:58Birth control get behind me. You never should have come back kill him kill them all
00:28:29Get out
00:28:31Cowards get out of here you little shits looks like your daddy left you again
00:28:38First control you saved our lives
00:28:41That's what I do. How do we ever repay you?
00:28:45That's not necessary, but you can help one another by practicing safe sex
00:28:52Does this mean that you're back I go where I'm needed and you'll stay with us till the end
00:28:57There is no end to what I do
00:29:00Look there's a lot of folks who need you out there and you're gonna need a good night's sleep if you want to help
00:29:05Save people again
00:29:06We would be honored if you would stay in our guest room. I
00:29:10Don't sleep I wait good night
00:29:22Who the hell was that
00:29:24It's birth control, yeah, I gather that much but who is she Oh
00:29:31She was born from an unplanned pregnancy out of wedlock to a pair of individuals who didn't want her and didn't care for
00:29:39She spent her entire childhood alone
00:29:42without support
00:29:44without family
00:29:46When she was old enough to speak she vowed to never let another child suffer her fate vowed to sacrifice
00:29:52Everything in her life to make sure that no other child would grow up without love
00:29:56Because without love life is meaningless
00:30:03And then things got really dark after common-sense left
00:30:10I'm gonna take a shower
00:30:12Hey, wait a minute. I was just thinking if we shower together we can save time money and water
00:30:19Yeah, that makes sense
00:30:38Now what
00:30:43Do you know who I am mr. Taxpayer
00:30:46No, but from the looks of things you're an asshole we'll see about that
00:30:51Do you know why I'm here? Mr. Taxpayer?
00:30:55You gonna beat the shit out of me like the last guy did on the contrary
00:31:00My friends and I all own banks
00:31:04Not the little Mod Pod banks they had decades ago
00:31:08but giant
00:31:10corporate
00:31:11global banks
00:31:13Up until a few months ago
00:31:15We had it all
00:31:17money women
00:31:19yachts drugs
00:31:22Slaves you name it
00:31:24But apparently backing retarded Ponzi scheme loans isn't very financially
00:31:32Responsible don't ask me. I never took an economics class in my life. I was too busy lighting Cuban cigars with Benjamins
00:31:40We tried to change course and steer in the right direction
00:31:44How we should count thousands of entry-level employees but alas
00:31:53Banks are still failing
00:31:56So what do you want with me? Well, there's one thing that would make me feel good
00:32:03Make me feel really good
00:32:06Don't worry this won't hurt much
00:32:14You
00:32:21Good afternoon gentlemen, my name is special agent Walter Kilgore of the ASS. I
00:32:28Specialize in the criminally insane. Is that all you do? Well
00:32:33that and zombies but
00:32:36But I haven't seen any of them around for quite some time
00:32:40Have you?
00:32:43So, what do you have for us well
00:32:45Thanks to advanced techniques in Facebook stalking the mastermind
00:32:50antagonist group known only as the Alliance has had all its members identified as you already know
00:32:57The group has taken captive the taxpayer and is unwilling to negotiate in any capacity
00:33:04now
00:33:05Before we discuss the membership of this group
00:33:08We must first identify the source of these transgressions yo-yo, what do you mean source?
00:33:16Well throughout the course of human history
00:33:18Bad behavior has been caused by one of two fundamental character flaws
00:33:24Arrogance and ignorance wait you mean that's right
00:33:30assholes and idiots
00:33:33For example
00:33:35We have Dick Pansy
00:33:37aka the politician
00:33:40Pansy promotes fairness and equality and yet his net worth is estimated at 12 million dollars
00:33:49Isn't it ironic?
00:33:52He graduated with honors in debate and
00:33:55Was voted most likely to text a picture of his junk to a blackjack dealer in Vegas next
00:34:02We have Christian Jones
00:34:05aka the Bible Thumper
00:34:08He's a pastor at a local church
00:34:10He loves passages from the good book
00:34:14communion wafers red wine and
00:34:17scapegoating
00:34:18he hates gays minorities other religions and
00:34:24free will
00:34:25He is convinced his God is the right one and he won't shut up until you agree with him
00:34:32Next we have Donald Rutger
00:34:35aka the freeloader
00:34:38He dropped out of school in the eighth grade
00:34:41Gave up on his service job after eight hours and has been unemployed ever since
00:34:47He doesn't want to work. He just wants to bang on the drum all day
00:34:53Next we have Saka Rodriguez an illegal immigrant from Mexico City
00:35:00He wants all the rights and opportunities afforded to Americans, but he doesn't want to put in the same work and effort
00:35:09Finally we have Leah lush
00:35:15What's wrong with him
00:35:17Beautiful woman is like kryptonite to common sense. She disrupts his thought process corrupts his intelligence
00:35:24Well that makes perfect sense
00:35:26Why?
00:35:27well
00:35:28There is a third cause of bad behavior in humans, but this only affects the y-chromosome
00:35:35You mean men?
00:35:37That's right
00:35:39The affection and attention of a gorgeous woman has a higher currency than food water
00:35:46or money
00:35:48Sex appeal has destroyed more lives than smallpox polio and the plague combined
00:35:56Good honest hard-working men turn to douchebags overnight with even the mere potential of sex and
00:36:04Yet these women have the stones to complain that there are no nice guys left in the world
00:36:12Well, we should get moving. I agree, but first we need to find some help help. What do you mean?
00:36:18We've been out of action for a very long time, and it wouldn't hurt to find ourself a little backup
00:36:23That's right every good superhero needs a sidekick on a side note
00:36:29Somebody tell me where the comfort station is sure it's down the hall on your left. I'd watch your aim though
00:36:35Why the bathroom attendant has a bit of a temper
00:36:39Excuse me, sir, but could you please explain the sign to me as your wish bad aim caused by a tiny dick
00:36:46Well, too little square should do the trick
00:36:51Stink bomb unleashed when the movement begins with a curveball
00:36:56I'm not sure what you're talking about
00:36:59I'm not sure what you're talking about
00:37:02I'm not sure what you're talking about
00:37:05I'm not sure what you're talking about
00:37:08With the courtesy flush well everyone wins, but if I rule you break
00:37:14That's a big mistake
00:37:20Bloodstains caused by a broken nose an eye for an eye
00:37:39That's just how it goes
00:37:44But clean up is just so easy and quick
00:37:48Cuz three little squares should do the trick
00:37:52Use towels go in the garbage bin
00:37:56Anywhere else would be a sin
00:38:00Don't want to live like a filthy slob
00:38:04A little soap and water should do the job
00:38:08But revenge I'm told
00:38:12It is best served cold
00:38:18For one unlucky bathroom patron
00:38:21Leaving a mess on the counter would be an error in judgment
00:38:25That would haunt him forever
00:38:29Hahahaha
00:38:44Why do grown ass men
00:38:48Break the rules and then
00:38:52Walk around and think
00:38:55Their shit doesn't stink
00:39:14What are you doing?
00:39:16Determining spending levels for government programs
00:39:20You want to try it?
00:39:22Yeah
00:39:23Go ahead
00:39:24What do I do?
00:39:26Well each dart represents $10,000
00:39:30Whichever areas on the board get hit are the ones we spend money on
00:39:34Oh
00:39:35Alright
00:39:36Give it a go
00:39:37Isn't there a better way to do this?
00:39:40Trust me this is the best system we've got
00:39:43Have at it
00:39:47Oh wow
00:39:48Jackpot
00:39:49Way to go
00:39:50Where does the funding come from?
00:39:53From the taxpayer
00:39:55Oh
00:39:57I know we hate the taxpayer
00:40:01But is it really necessary to kill him?
00:40:04Don't we kind of need him?
00:40:06You've got to learn to aim high girl
00:40:09You see why settle for a small fraction of the taxpayer's power
00:40:13When we can have it all
00:40:15Think about it this way
00:40:1630% is a lot smaller than 100% right?
00:40:20You see only by sacrificing him and redistributing his power
00:40:25Can we truly make things equal
00:40:27Those without jobs have come to depend upon those with them
00:40:31And in turn those lucky enough to be employed
00:40:35Maintain a responsibility to help those who need it the most
00:40:40Ew
00:40:42Ugh
00:40:44God dammit not again
00:40:46Gus
00:40:49Are you still reading that silly book?
00:40:52I thought I told you no ghost stories before bed
00:40:56That book was written so long ago
00:40:58It's hardly relevant in this day and age
00:41:00And it's been translated over and over again
00:41:03So many times that nobody really knows what it's supposed to be about anymore
00:41:08Frankly I have a hard time with any book that endorses the mistreatment of innocent women
00:41:14And the murder of helpless children
00:41:18All that scary paranormal stuff
00:41:20It's just going to give you nightmares again
00:41:23Oh come on mom just 10 more minutes
00:41:25No Jacob it's time for bed
00:41:28That's right son do as your mother tells you
00:41:31And I'll be in in a minute to tuck you in as soon as I'm finished with Exodus 21 15
00:41:39Dad is the boogeyman real?
00:41:52Oh son that's only fairy tales
00:41:55Meant to scare little boys like yourself
00:41:58But why?
00:42:00Well some people use make believe in order to force other people to behave
00:42:05Will you check under my bed for monsters?
00:42:08Don't be ridiculous there are no monsters
00:42:11How do you know?
00:42:13Have you seen any?
00:42:15No
00:42:16So there's no reason to go on believing that invisible monsters are always watching you
00:42:22Now say your prayers and go to bed
00:42:36Oh
00:42:41Were you able to get him to sleep?
00:42:43Oh yes he'll be fine
00:42:46I just wish he wouldn't read those awful ghost stories
00:42:49He's got quite the imagination doesn't he?
00:42:52Yes he does and that's what worries me
00:42:55Someday he's going to realize that some of the best parts of his life are make believe
00:43:00Only then can he let the wonder of God in
00:43:05Oh honey you always know just what to say to make me feel better
00:43:09Thank you
00:43:10Don't thank me
00:43:12Thank the love that Jesus put into my heart
00:43:17Good night
00:43:25Gonna do the Lord's will gonna do it well
00:43:28All the other deities can go to hell
00:43:32You will be in heaven as long as you pray
00:43:35I'm royal for eternity if you are gay
00:43:39You heathens better run
00:43:41Here comes the Father and the Son
00:43:45The commandments are really worth a second look
00:43:48And if Westminster will write then read the fucking book
00:43:52They're here to prevent happiness and fun
00:43:55Because their work is never done
00:43:59It's the Father and the Son
00:44:02This battle's just begun
00:44:06Christianity number one
00:44:21Ah come on now what?
00:44:24Is that any way to greet the man whose career you almost destroyed?
00:44:28What are you talking about? I don't even know you
00:44:30Then let me introduce myself
00:44:33I'm Andy Takerson
00:44:35And I'm the CEO of what used to be a very successful car company out of Detroit
00:44:41Oh God not Particular Motors
00:44:44That's right
00:44:46And these men here used to be my direct competitors
00:44:51But it seems now thanks to you Mr. Taxpayer
00:44:57That we have a common enemy
00:45:01I haven't even done anything to you
00:45:03And that's exactly the problem that I'm here to rectify
00:45:06You see in light of recent economic turmoil
00:45:10Our companies find themselves on the verge of extinction
00:45:14Maybe if you guys didn't make such shitty cars
00:45:18We don't see it that way
00:45:20This is America Mr. Taxpayer
00:45:23And subpar automobiles are a staple of this great nation
00:45:27Boys
00:45:33You don't even know what you're doing
00:45:36I know exactly what we're doing
00:45:40If we can't stay afloat through mediocrity and bad business practices
00:45:46Then I'm afraid that we're going to need a handout
00:45:49That's where you come in
00:45:51But those who can't compete will ultimately perish
00:45:54Do you know what a bailout is Mr. Taxpayer?
00:45:58It's a lifeline to those that feel like they're drowning
00:46:03Since you don't seem to appreciate the situation that Particular Motors is in
00:46:10Today we're going to have to give you a little demonstration
00:46:15The safe word is drowning
00:46:39Thank you
00:46:46Thank you all for joining us on such short notice
00:46:49For those who don't know us, I'm Common Sense
00:46:52This is Personal Responsibility
00:46:54Next to him is Birth Control
00:46:56Richard Randolph
00:46:58We held this meeting today in the hopes of finding one or multiple sidekicks
00:47:03Any questions?
00:47:07Yeah, what kind of benefits are you offering?
00:47:10The opportunity to serve your country and make the world a better place
00:47:16Alright then, if there aren't any more questions, I think we'll start the hiring process
00:47:22After looking over your applications, I think we can make an informed decision
00:47:26We'll take the three men in fatigue with extensive military experience
00:47:30Great, congratulations guys, come on up
00:47:32Not so fast
00:47:39Who the hell are you?
00:47:41I work for the Department of Labor
00:47:43I'm here to make sure that your hiring practices are fair, just, and legal
00:47:49To protect minorities, women, handicapped individuals, and those people with alternative sexual orientations
00:48:00That's cool, this is a private gig
00:48:03We don't need any help from the government
00:48:05On the contrary, there's a certain protocol you must follow
00:48:09No, we got this, we're going to war and we're taking the three soldiers
00:48:14I notice your three recruits happen to be white men
00:48:19Everyone who answered the call was a white man
00:48:22Plus we already got a female and a black guy
00:48:25If you can't give me another black, you can give me a gay
00:48:29I assume you've questioned these individuals as to their sexual preferences?
00:48:33What the hell does that matter?
00:48:35I'm not certain if you're aware, but the atrocity that was don't ask, don't tell
00:48:40Has been rightfully overturned
00:48:43How many of you men are homosexual?
00:48:46Well, sir, I once gave a guy a Dutch rudder back in college
00:48:53When I was drunk
00:48:55Does that count?
00:48:57Not good enough
00:49:00Sir, I once had a threesome with a woman and another dude
00:49:06I may be a little gay, close, but no cigar
00:49:12Well, once I accidentally clicked on one of them homosexual internet porn sites
00:49:18Well, let's just say it took me about ten seconds to click off, you know what I mean
00:49:23Can anyone beat ten seconds on a gay porn site?
00:49:26Guilty!
00:49:28Oh, this is lame
00:49:30Ah, thanks for the reminder, I almost forgot about the Americans with Disabilities Act
00:49:36A cripple would look really good on paper
00:49:40Are there any handicapped folk in the crowd?
00:49:51Ah, good morning kids
00:49:52Good morning
00:49:53Hello
00:49:54Do we know what today is?
00:49:55It's Monday
00:49:56And do we remember what happens on Mondays?
00:49:57Allowance
00:49:58You are correct
00:50:01Let's take this out here
00:50:04Karen, we'll start with you, sweetie
00:50:06It looks as though you've completed all the tasks on your list
00:50:10And are therefore entitled to ten dollars of weekly allowance
00:50:14Here you go, sweetie
00:50:15Congratulations
00:50:17Now, Martin
00:50:21You've failed to complete any of the tasks on your chore list for the week
00:50:26And instead have chosen to play outside, neglect your homework, and remain glued to the television set
00:50:32As a result, you don't get any allowance
00:50:35What? That's not fair
00:50:39You know, you're right
00:50:40It isn't fair
00:50:41So here's what I'm going to do
00:50:43I'm going to take half of the allowance that you earned, sweetie
00:50:46And give it to your brother
00:50:48Sweet
00:50:49Wait, how is that fair?
00:50:51Now you each have five dollars
00:50:53He didn't do anything
00:50:55Sweetie, that's what's known as an income transfer
00:50:59And as you continue to progress through life, you'll realize it's what makes the world go around
00:51:04Okay?
00:51:05Now, grab your knapsacks and head outside to your bus stop
00:51:08I don't want you to be late for school
00:51:10Okay?
00:51:11Have a great day, kids
00:51:13And remember, Mommy and Daddy love you
00:51:17Shit
00:51:22Earl?
00:51:23We gotta go, man
00:51:25Even though the congressman was running late
00:51:28His lack of punctuality failed in comparison to that
00:51:32Of his co-worker
00:51:34My alarm goes off at six each day
00:51:40When I wish all my worries away
00:51:46But without thoughts of work racing through my head
00:51:52I usually just go back to bed
00:51:59Public assistance is such a drag
00:52:03When life's left you buried in a hole
00:52:07You swallow your pride and wave a white flag
00:52:11And find your place on the door
00:52:15And when you're out of luck
00:52:17You'll find your place on the door
00:52:21And when you're out of luck
00:52:23You'll find your place on the door
00:52:28Employment was never for me
00:52:31Never dreamed I could see
00:52:33A lunch that came for free
00:52:36I hate to work and so does she
00:52:40So we hope you'll hear of me
00:52:44When you're on welfare
00:52:47Well, life is just so very hard
00:52:51Let me tell ya
00:52:52Living on welfare
00:52:55Why won't the others pay their fair share?
00:52:59It's because they simply don't care
00:53:03Oh!
00:53:23I can make it rain, yes, I have a plan
00:53:27I can do it all, I'm the welfare man
00:53:31Come gather round, don't be afraid
00:53:35It's time for you to get paid
00:53:43What about me, when do I get mine?
00:53:46I just came from the unemployment line
00:53:50And what good sir might your surname be?
00:53:54H-O-W-A-R-D
00:53:58I am the poorest of the bunch
00:54:01Came to claim my free lunch
00:54:03What can you offer me?
00:54:06Won't you try my homemade pot pie?
00:54:10Sounds pretty good to me
00:54:14When you're on welfare
00:54:17Well, life is just so very hard
00:54:20Let me tell ya
00:54:21Living on welfare
00:54:24You never have to pay back this loan
00:54:28But why not?
00:54:29Well, someone answer that phone
00:54:32I got it
00:54:34Hello?
00:54:36Donnie, what the hell are you doing? Where are you?
00:54:39Uh, we're just doing a little musical number
00:54:41Who's we?
00:54:42Uh, my wife, welfare man, couple guys looking for a free lunch
00:54:47Well, how much more singing and dancing do you have left?
00:54:50We did the intro, verse, chorus, guitar solo, verse, chorus
00:54:55All we have is the outro
00:54:57Well, skip the outro, it's redundant
00:54:59And get your ass over here, or else we're gonna find another freeloader
00:55:03Aye aye, captain
00:55:04My god, a man tries to run an evil empire
00:55:11Are you sure you don't want guns?
00:55:14We're sure
00:55:15We haven't had the proper firearm training
00:55:18That's right, guns are dangerous
00:55:20If you say so
00:55:22God, those costumes are badass
00:55:24Where'd you get them?
00:55:26My mother made them
00:55:28Making them is easy
00:55:30It's cleaning them up in between battles that's a little tricky
00:55:33How's everybody doing on drinks and everything?
00:55:35This lemonade is to die for
00:55:37Oh, good, good
00:55:38Just don't drink it too fast, you'll get brain freeze
00:55:40We know, mom
00:55:42Well, sometimes you forget your manners when you're running out to fight crime
00:55:46Mom
00:55:47Oh, and I suggest you take some flashlights with you
00:55:50Sometimes those things go longer than you expect them to
00:55:52If it gets dark out there, you want to be able to see
00:55:54I have flares, I'll be fine
00:55:57Don't get them too close to your face, honey, you might go blind
00:56:00Mom, you're embarrassing me
00:56:02So this is the woman behind personal responsibility
00:56:05Mm-hmm
00:56:06It ain't been easy, though, he wasn't born this way
00:56:08It's taken a lot of work and patience
00:56:11Well, it all paid off
00:56:13Your triumphs as a mother have created the greatest superhero the city has ever seen
00:56:18Yeah, he's better at protecting people than he is keeping his room clean
00:56:21Mom, we got it
00:56:23Oh, sorry, honey
00:56:24Okay, okay
00:56:25Y'all get on about your business, I'll go check on the sandwiches
00:56:29Okay, team, listen up
00:56:33The alliance should be awaiting orders in the main hall on the third floor
00:56:38If you can gain access, you should have a chance to neutralize them
00:56:42As far as we know, the taxpayer's being held at the very lower level
00:56:46Pansy's speech will be given in the auditorium on the main floor
00:56:50There's a service elevator near the south end
00:56:53I don't know how, but we need to stop him before he brainwashes the crowd
00:57:02I'll do it
00:57:04Are you sure?
00:57:06Yeah, I'm sure
00:57:07I got involved because I wanted to help
00:57:09That hasn't changed
00:57:12Good for you, son
00:57:13You'll have to move fast
00:57:15If we let him get to the end of his speech, he'll have the whole crowd turned against us
00:57:19And if that happens, we're fucked
00:57:22No, if that happens, we abort
00:57:25Abort?
00:57:26You can't just abort at the first sign of trouble, there's a human life at stake here
00:57:30Yes, if this is not a good plan to begin with, we should consider other options
00:57:34Aborting anything seems wildly irresponsible
00:57:37If the proper precautions are taken, abortion should never be necessary
00:57:41The odds against us are overwhelming
00:57:43We'll never make it
00:57:44Well, it's your call to make, sir
00:57:46But only if you're sure
00:57:47A mission can't be unaborted
00:57:49And I sure as hell didn't come this far just to give up now
00:57:52Regardless, the boys and I will be monitoring your progress from the Oval Office
00:57:57Remember, your primary objective is to neutralize the Congressman's orbs
00:58:02Without them, he's just another asshole
00:58:06Now, are there any questions?
00:58:08Who's ready for sandwiches?
00:58:10Yum
00:58:11Just be sure to eat them over the plate, or else we'll have crumbs all over the place
00:58:15We know, Mom
00:58:16And be sure to take a sip of water between every bite, it helps with digestion
00:58:20Mom!
00:58:21And darling, I know you ain't going out looking like that, your belt doesn't match your shoes
00:58:25Mom!
00:58:26Okay, we take a quick lunch
00:58:29After that, it's time to kick some ass
00:58:36Meanwhile, at the bad guy lair
00:58:39Okay, now that we're all here
00:58:43We can finally get started
00:58:45Everyone, this is Ronald from Marketing
00:58:48He's here to help us find our identity
00:58:51Now, tomorrow, to coincide with the execution of the taxpayer
00:58:55We will be holding our first ever public rally
00:58:58By the 7th of November, everyone will know who we are
00:59:04Therefore, it becomes imperative that we agree upon a cool, catchy name for ourselves
00:59:10Ronald
00:59:11Thank you
00:59:12The cornerstone of any successful business is creating a name that people will remember
00:59:17Coca-Cola, Budweiser, Sex World
00:59:20These are all businesses that thrive because their names are synonymous with their reputations
00:59:24But part of an effective brand name is creating an identity that is not only pleasing to the ears
00:59:29But also respectful of the people's sensibilities
00:59:32So, I'm going to run down this list of possible titles for this organization
00:59:36And if any of you find a particular name offensive
00:59:38Simply tap the buzzer that's been placed in front of you
00:59:41Any questions?
00:59:43Good, let's begin
00:59:45For starters, how about Hell's Bells?
00:59:48Okay, good
00:59:50The Alpha Males?
00:59:53Alright
00:59:55Angel Wings?
00:59:57Fair enough
00:59:59The American Defenders?
01:00:03The Black Jacks?
01:00:05Spinning Crosses?
01:00:07Evolution of...
01:00:09Men at Arms?
01:00:11Working Toward a Better...
01:00:12The Equal Opportunity...
01:00:15Jesus Christ
01:00:19Hey, fuck you!
01:00:21Okay, alright, if you could all please quit your bitching
01:00:25Alright, you know what?
01:00:26You call this an evil alliance?
01:00:28All I see here is a group of god damn pussies
01:00:37Just have the damn thing, I don't care
01:00:39All I know is this
01:00:40It takes two people to get a bitch pregnant
01:00:42So you're just as guilty as I am
01:00:45Bullshit, no way
01:00:48The most I can do is halfsies on an abortion
01:00:52Whatever, you weren't that good anyway
01:00:54You know what, if you have a problem with it
01:00:56Sign up with the taxpayer
01:01:00You know the best thing about married chicks?
01:01:02They don't try to rope you into a relationship
01:01:07You guys having a meeting or something?
01:01:09My, oh my, what have we here?
01:01:26What's your name, my little dear?
01:01:29I don't know and I don't care
01:01:32Just show me what you got on under there
01:01:36The night is young and we just met
01:01:39But you are hard and I am
01:01:43Your advance I will allow
01:01:46I crave some sex and I want it now
01:01:49For just one night, we can share a bed
01:01:53Or just hump on the floor instead
01:01:56For just one night, we could make believe
01:02:00You won't just finish, get up and leave
01:02:03I don't want you to be my bride
01:02:06I just want to get inside
01:02:10Precautions we cannot afford
01:02:13So hurry up and climb aboard
01:02:17Let's make like the birds and bees
01:02:20And we can exchange STDs
01:02:24Got my results from several labs
01:02:27I hope you're in the mood for crabs
01:02:30I received them from prior trades
01:02:33But all my crabs, they died from AIDS
01:02:37HIV, you're such a jerk
01:02:40Now shut the fuck up and get to work
01:02:43For just one night, we could enter in
01:02:47A contract designed for hitting skin
01:02:50For just one night, we could demonstrate
01:02:54That I didn't have to pay for a single date
01:02:58Two minutes in and he's already done
01:03:01He came to town with a loaded gun
01:03:04Gotta catch my breath and count to ten
01:03:08Okay, I'm good, let's go out there
01:03:11For just one night, we could both take turns
01:03:15With self-inflicted carpet burns
01:03:18For just one night, we could engineer
01:03:22Another Italian chandelier
01:03:26Had to turn, but I did not
01:03:29They never seemed to hit the spot
01:03:32A little lower
01:03:34How about now?
01:03:45For just one night
01:03:48Woah
01:03:53That was shorter than the first
01:03:56My new friend, you must be cursed
01:04:00Your first name I still don't know
01:04:03But look at the time, I gotta go
01:04:18No, not again
01:04:20Please just leave me alone
01:04:22Hello Mr. Taxpayer
01:04:24Allow me to introduce myself
01:04:26My name is Terrence Millen
01:04:27And I'm in charge of the Teachers Union here in town
01:04:30Local 101
01:04:32I understand you have a big day tomorrow
01:04:34Are you nervous?
01:04:36Nothing can surprise me at this point
01:04:38Well, we'll see about that
01:04:40Now sir, I'm not sure how familiar you are
01:04:43With the public education system
01:04:45Between you and me and the four walls here
01:04:47Well, it's a mess
01:04:49Despite record levels of funding
01:04:51Kids still come out as imbeciles
01:04:53And there are certain political individuals
01:04:56That shall remain nameless
01:04:58Well, they seem to think that us teachers
01:05:00Should bear some of the responsibility
01:05:02For this unmitigated failure
01:05:04You say to me, longer school years
01:05:07I say, fuck you
01:05:09You say, shorter vacation periods
01:05:11I say, not on my watch
01:05:13You ask me to contribute a small amount of my income
01:05:16To my own personal retirement fund
01:05:18I ask you to eat shit
01:05:20Am I making myself clear, Mr. Taxpayer?
01:05:23I can't hear you, sir
01:05:25My right ear has been collapsed from blood force trauma
01:05:29I don't even want to tell you what happened to my left ear
01:05:32Now, I know you're being put to death tomorrow, sir
01:05:35But I thought we could have a little fun
01:05:37Before that happens
01:05:40Now, these things are apparently
01:05:42A very painful form of mind control
01:05:45Not that that matters, you see
01:05:48Mr. Taxpayer, I really don't want anything from you
01:05:51I decided to come down here and watch you squirm
01:05:54Now, brace yourself
01:05:57This is gonna hurt like hell
01:06:09If this is a dream
01:06:12Won't somebody turn the lights on?
01:06:15But if this is a dream
01:06:18Then we're too far gone
01:06:21Beneath my feet
01:06:23The city sleeps
01:06:25Across the street
01:06:27The counting sheep
01:06:29I can't hear you, sir
01:06:31My right ear has been collapsed from blood force trauma
01:06:34I can't hear you, sir
01:06:36Across the street
01:06:37The counting sheep
01:06:39Prepare myself
01:06:40To make my mark
01:06:42Believe you me, it's fuckin' dark
01:06:45For just one night
01:06:47And the next afternoon
01:06:49We're solving these problems, we're solving them soon
01:06:52The zombie detective
01:06:53A mustache trio
01:06:55We're ready to go
01:06:56What do you think, Theo?
01:06:58If this is a dream
01:07:01Won't somebody wake me from this nightmare?
01:07:04The problem with the republic democrats of the system
01:07:06They separate within themselves
01:07:08I see inhuman conditions
01:07:10You try to say that it'll be fine
01:07:12On this gradual decline
01:07:14Then you jack my gas up to $3.99
01:07:17Hold up, I think I missed it
01:07:19Habits, I gotta kick it
01:07:20Can't even afford new shoes
01:07:22Let alone the price to kick it
01:07:24Only seeing what life isn't
01:07:25Substandard conditions
01:07:27Got me holding my breath
01:07:28Looking for some American conditions
01:07:31This life ain't shit
01:07:33But taxes, commercials, and some more politics, man
01:07:37I think I quit enough
01:07:39With these man-made laws
01:07:41With no acknowledgement
01:07:43If this is a dream
01:07:45Won't somebody wake me from this nightmare?
01:07:49Out of sex in the scheme
01:07:52Now I need you to make this clear
01:07:55But if this is a dream
01:07:58I am satisfied with all the things that I own
01:08:02But if this is a dream
01:08:05Then we're too far gone
01:08:08Leo, wake up, it's starting
01:08:12Congressman Dick Panzey will address his supporters
01:08:14For the first time since taking office
01:08:16The nature of this press conference has been kept under wraps
01:08:19But many top officials believe this will be Panzey's
01:08:21Long-awaited bid for the presidency
01:08:24Panzey would be only the second white president since the year 2000
01:08:28And although we know nothing about his policies
01:08:30It's clear he is the perfect man for the job
01:08:32Could be the hopey-changey one we've been waiting for
01:08:36Considering his reputation for being secretive about all of his intentions
01:08:39Patriotic supporters are expected to turn out in record numbers
01:08:42Because regardless of his merits or intentions
01:08:44People love to hear politicians talk about stuff
01:08:47With the all-important black, Hispanic, and gay vote still up in the air
01:08:51This could be a crucial night for Panzey and his camp
01:08:54And although he's certain to say only what his mindless followers want to hear
01:08:59I'm sure it will be a night we won't soon forget
01:09:05Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dick Panzey
01:09:13Thank you
01:09:15Thank you
01:09:19Thank you
01:09:20Thank you very much
01:09:22Thank you
01:09:23Thank you
01:09:24I stand at podium to address you on what remains a very, very important day
01:09:30In the history of this great country
01:09:33For today, we finally gain and attain revenge
01:09:38On an individual so vile, so disgusting, so selfish
01:09:43That even I barely possess the adjectives to describe him
01:09:49For this individual has been handed everything in life
01:09:53Spoon-fed on a silver platter
01:09:56Since the moment of his separation from the womb
01:10:00And moreover, what remains so tragic
01:10:03Is that even still, even given this life of ease
01:10:08This life of privilege
01:10:10He remains reluctant to act or respond in generosity
01:10:15When even the most deserving of individual
01:10:18Approaches him with their handout
01:10:20For a handout
01:10:22Great speech
01:10:23I know, he's really good
01:10:24Now ladies and gentlemen, I further stand before you today to remind
01:10:28That we exist not as a nation of individuals
01:10:32No sir, no ma'am
01:10:35But instead as a family
01:10:38A big family
01:10:40A democracy
01:11:23Consequently, it remains the moral duty
01:11:29The moral obligation of the individual duly noted today
01:11:35To help and support people like us
01:11:39And I stand before you today to declare that it is time
01:11:43Finally, that he pay his fair share
01:11:47Yes, ladies and gentlemen
01:11:50Ladies and gentlemen
01:11:51Ladies and gentlemen
01:11:52No longer will this financial criminal
01:12:21Live high on the hog
01:12:23While people like you and I wait anxiously
01:12:26For the table scraps at his feet
01:12:29Now I beg the question
01:12:32Does that seem right to you?
01:12:34No
01:12:35And are we not going to do something about it?
01:12:39Yes
01:12:40No
01:12:41No
01:12:42No
01:12:43Well, not if I, presidential candidate Dick Pansy
01:12:49Have anything to say about it, damn it
01:13:06I...
01:13:09Am...
01:13:11Dead
01:13:19I...
01:13:20Am...
01:13:21Dead
01:13:49Holy shit
01:14:20Hey, sugar
01:14:22I've never seen you here before
01:14:25Welcome to the afterlife
01:14:34Oh, gross
01:14:37Jesus
01:14:44Your exit strategy brings to mind a phrase
01:14:47That's likely to be in your limited vocabulary
01:14:51Not working
01:14:53You got the wrong idea, man
01:14:55I didn't do anything
01:14:57That's the problem
01:14:58I'm on your side, man
01:15:00I'm one of the good guys
01:15:02Well, then you won't mind accompanying me to the good guy headquarters
01:15:07I'm not going anywhere with you
01:15:09Resist arrest, you little shit
01:15:13I'm begging you
01:15:14I'm begging you
01:15:44I'm begging you
01:16:15Something's not right
01:16:18Yeah
01:16:20It's quiet
01:16:22A little too quiet
01:16:45Ugh
01:17:07For before your very eyes
01:17:09We will perform what millions and millions of Americans
01:17:13Myself included
01:17:15Have waited a very, very long time to occur
01:17:20For here before your very eyes
01:17:23And in front of the entire televised world
01:17:27We will finally and mercilessly
01:17:30Crucify the American taxpayer
01:17:35Yes, ladies and gentlemen
01:17:36Yes
01:17:37Yes
01:17:38Yes
01:17:40Thank you
01:17:43Thank you
01:17:47Thank you
01:17:48Thank you
01:17:50Really?
01:17:51I'm up there
01:17:52I see this with you two, you're fucking done
01:17:54You're done
01:17:55I need it
01:17:56How'd it go?
01:17:57It was so good
01:17:58Good, good
01:17:59It was amazing
01:18:04Ladies and gentlemen
01:18:05Ladies and gentlemen
01:18:06There are many points in the congressman's speech
01:18:08That I would like to address
01:18:10But one of them seems to be of the utmost importance
01:18:13For those of you who are familiar
01:18:15With the founding of this great nation
01:18:17You will know that we were established as a republic
01:18:20Not a democracy
01:18:22Now, the two are fairly similar
01:18:24But with one glaring difference
01:18:28The republic is meant to temper the whims of the majority
01:18:32And to avoid hasty decision by mob rule
01:18:34By protecting the individual
01:18:38His success has nothing to do with morality nor obligation
01:18:43He's just an individual
01:18:45Who through hard work, patience, and planning
01:18:49Accrued some wealth
01:18:51And despite what the congressman says
01:18:53That is not our money
01:18:55That is his money
01:18:57Now, I know that our society has its problems
01:19:00And those problems need to be addressed
01:19:03But we cannot just beat, torture, torment, and rape the taxpayer
01:19:09You cannot solve a problem by throwing money at it
01:19:12Money is a remedy, not a cure
01:19:17And you have to remember that the taxpayer is not a superhero
01:19:21He's only human, like you and me
01:19:24So to punish him is to punish ourselves
01:19:29It's time that we stop looking to him for help
01:19:31And start looking towards personal responsibility and common sense
01:19:35They are the superheroes
01:19:37And for a long time, they helped make this country a great place
01:19:42But you have got to have faith in them
01:19:46You have got to believe in them
01:19:48Because only then can we put our petty, insignificant differences aside
01:19:53And really start to solve some goddamn problems
01:19:59I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:03I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:06I do believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:09I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:12I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:15I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:18I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:21I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:24I believe in common sense and personal responsibility
01:20:27It's possible
01:20:28It's my baby
01:20:57USA!
01:20:58USA!
01:20:59USA!
01:21:00USA!
01:21:01USA!
01:21:02USA!
01:21:03USA!
01:21:04USA!
01:21:05USA!
01:21:06USA!
01:21:07USA!
01:21:08USA!
01:21:09USA!
01:21:10USA!
01:21:11USA!
01:21:12USA!
01:21:13USA!
01:21:14USA!
01:21:15USA!
01:21:16USA!
01:21:17USA!
01:21:18USA!
01:21:19USA!
01:21:20USA!
01:21:21USA!
01:21:22USA!
01:21:23USA!
01:21:24USA!
01:21:25USA!
01:21:26USA!
01:21:27USA!
01:21:28USA!
01:21:29USA!
01:21:30USA!
01:21:31USA!
01:21:32USA!
01:21:33USA!
01:21:34USA!
01:21:35USA!
01:21:36After the rally, a new level of respect found its way to Mr. and Mrs. Richard Randolph.
01:21:46The hot chick had a change of heart and decided to use her powers only for good.
01:21:51good. The Bible Thumper was convicted and sentenced to four years in a state-run
01:21:57penitentiary. Four very long, very hard years.
01:22:06Once inside, however, he discovered that sometimes the forbidden fruit is also
01:22:12the sweetest. Bad Dad was forced to open and run a childcare center for all 800
01:22:23of his illegitimate kids. The immigrant was forced to work at the immigration
01:22:37office. There, he felt the cold sting of irony. But irony was not a punishment that
01:22:58he alone would have to endure. Not all endings, however, were quite so grim.
01:23:22Men, that was good work. But now it's time for the mustache squad to raise its game.
01:23:29Starting tomorrow, full facial hair.
01:23:36Birth control, what are you doing here? I'm leaving on a jet plane.
01:23:40Where are you going? I'm headed out east to face my biggest challenge yet,
01:23:44and you're coming with me.
01:23:46Africa? Me? Why me? Because you're Cornelius Pebblefoot.
01:23:59I love that man. As for common sense and personal responsibility, they went back to work
01:24:07and once again made the United States of America the coolest fucking place.
01:24:15On Earth.
01:24:46Donnie, you know why you're here. Ah, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sorry. Fuck. Sorry.
01:25:01Resist arrest, you little shit.
01:25:07No problem, ma'am. I can provide you with a state-of-the-art abortion.
01:25:15Well, shit. I forgot my fucking line.
01:25:46Just be sure to eat over your plate, so, you know, because then, you know, crumbs all over the place, you know.
01:25:52That was great. That was so good.
01:25:56Because you're Cornelius Pebblefoot.
01:26:00You can't even do it. Sorry.
01:26:04Boys, teach her some manners.
01:26:07Fuck it.
01:26:13He's using a child view. Child. Child. What the fuck?
01:26:37Surprise.
01:26:39I'm count, I love it, baby.
01:27:09On account of that fucking look in your eyes.
01:27:11Everything is gonna be alright.
01:27:13If you just grab your ankles and make me famous tonight.
01:27:17I'm councilman, it's Donnie.
01:27:19What I want, it ain't no big surprise.
01:27:23Just a grab a partner, maybe two or three.
01:27:25Cos four is a party and that's quite alright with me.
01:27:39You tell lies and you say no.
01:27:47But when it all adds up in the end.
01:27:51What have you done for me?
01:27:53Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:27:55Cos we need peace to set us free.
01:28:03So when it all comes down to the end.
01:28:08What have you done for me?
01:28:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:28:12Cos there were days when I was barely keeping up.
01:28:20You turned something that was right into wrong.
01:28:28One day I was chilling with my boys.
01:28:30Had the nutsack so we started asking.
01:28:32May be wrong, we didn't get along.
01:28:34Wasn't before long that they started drafting.
01:28:36Now we're sitting here in deployment, action.
01:28:38Playing these funny games while Uncle Sam's laughing.
01:28:40Hearty, hard, hard, we're driving a tank car.
01:28:42Trying to avoid these ghosts, Pac-Man.
01:28:44Someone show me a sign, Batman.
01:28:46You can take it like this or like that, man.
01:28:48I think the way of the system is a trap, man.
01:28:50No more pushing aside, I'm reacting.
01:28:52Yeah, you can check my rap.
01:28:54Understand this ain't disrespect.
01:28:56Understand that I'm a man of my word.
01:28:58And this shit here is absurd.
01:29:00You tell lies.
01:29:06And you say no.
01:29:10But when it all adds up in the end.
01:29:14What have you done for me?
01:29:16Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:29:18Cos we need peace.
01:29:22To set us free.
01:29:26So when it all comes down in the end.
01:29:30What have you done for me?
01:29:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:29:34Cos there were days.
01:29:38When I was barely keeping up.
01:29:42You took something that was right.
01:29:46Into love.
01:29:56Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
01:30:12Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
01:30:24Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
01:30:50Donnie.
01:30:54I don't want to beat around the bush.
01:30:58Cos I hate beating around the bush.
01:31:02Well, you don't have anything on me.
01:31:06So I'm free to go.
01:31:08Want to buy me a drink?
01:31:12You ain't going nowhere, bitch.
01:31:14Detective Dash.
01:31:16I'll take it from here.
01:31:22That's right.
01:31:28Nice to officially meet you.
01:31:32On the record, of course.
01:31:36Who are you?
01:31:38My name is not important.
01:31:40What I'm going to do to you if you lie to me, on the other hand.
01:31:44You see.
01:31:46I came to this godforsaken land six months ago.
01:31:50In pursuit of an illegal substance.
01:31:52That could ruin our civilization even faster than you could say Jersey Shore.
01:31:58I followed the breadcrumbs halfway across the world.
01:32:02And I came to a dead end here.
01:32:04In this very neighborhood.
01:32:06And when mysteries go unsolved.
01:32:10I get angry.
01:32:12And when I get angry.
01:32:14Bones get broken.
01:32:18Now.
01:32:20It has come to my understanding.
01:32:24That the local distributor of such psychedelic delicacies.
01:32:28Is using a child labor fueled paper mache racket.
01:32:32To disguise his drug empire.
01:32:36The heads are personally designed.
01:32:40Filled with various substances.
01:32:42And delivered to the buyer.
01:32:48Now.
01:32:50The most important aspect of this ongoing case.
01:32:54Is that these heads.
01:32:56Bear a striking resemblance.
01:32:58To one found.
01:33:00At a recent crime scene.
01:33:04The inside was lined with the residue.
01:33:08Of an unknown substance.
01:33:10Called marijuana.
01:33:12The outside.
01:33:14Was lined with your fingerprints.
01:33:18On the bottom.
01:33:20Was stapled a calling card.
01:33:22With no name.
01:33:24Number.
01:33:26Or address.
01:33:30So.
01:33:32The most obvious question.
01:33:34Mr. Rutger.
01:33:38Is what can you tell me about this.
01:33:42Bad guy.