I own nothing
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Limited Edition Umbro X Boots, personally signed by Michael Owen.
00:04They come in a fantastic presentation box.
00:06If you want them, all you have to do is ask this easy aliens question.
00:09How many kids does Brian hope to have with Trent?
00:12That's how many kids does Brian hope to have with Trent?
00:15Once you think you know the answer, pick up the phone and call this number!
00:200901 0707
00:24Lovely, jubbly, hit me one more time please, boys!
00:33Don't forget to ask which in-calls cost 30 earth,
00:35hence we'll call the winner after the show
00:37and reveal the answer and the winner's name at the same time next week.
00:40Come and have a go if you think you're bright enough.
00:43Claws off, Colin.
00:53I just can't get you out of my head.
01:19I just can't get you out of my head.
01:22I just can't get you out of my head.
01:25I just can't...
01:26Brian!
01:27I can't help it, I love Kylie!
01:29I'm spinning around.
01:31Ta-da!
01:32Brian!
01:33You've got gravy on my montage!
01:36Sorry.
01:37What's a montage?
01:38It's a celebration of Lucy's life and everybody in it.
01:41What is that mess, anyway?
01:42It's one of the Naked Chef's recipes, although I've changed a few ingredients.
01:45And I'm not sure how doing it au naturel helped.
01:47Au naturel?
01:49That means in the nude?
01:51Whoa!
01:52I will never get the nutrition to be an astronaut.
01:55Mel, how's Josh?
01:57Will he live?
01:59The doctor says he's got laryngitis.
02:01What's that?
02:02Oh, whoa!
02:03Please tell me you didn't make supper like that.
02:05No, I wasn't wearing the apron then.
02:08Here we are.
02:10Laryngitis.
02:11An inflammation of the mucous membrane of the larynx
02:14characterised by hoarseness or loss of voice.
02:17So which have you got?
02:19He's lost his voice, Brian.
02:21He'll have to stay off school, have no exertion, get plenty of rest.
02:25No change there, then.
02:26Oh, at last!
02:28A fitting outlet for my skills as a nurturing mother.
02:31If I get really lucky, you might develop life-threatening complications.
02:35Sophie, please will you cook something for tea?
02:37Sorry, Lucy, I have to nurse Josh back to health
02:40and devote my life to his care.
02:43Great. Let's just ignore Lucy as usual.
02:47Can you manage?
02:53Oh, Brian, next weekend, Trent and I are going to the World Music Festival.
02:58Is that OK? Knew it would be. Thanks.
03:00Um, will Kylie be at this music festival?
03:03No. There'll be people so much better than her there.
03:06Wow! Better than Kylie? I'm coming with you.
03:08No, you can't.
03:09One, because you're my dad, and two, well, Trent's only got two tickets,
03:13three, Brian, you're an alien freak with all the charisma of a tree stump.
03:17Come on, Brian. Tuesday, six o'clock. It's chess time.
03:20Oh, and look, I'm double booked.
03:22Tuesday at six o'clock, geek avoiding time.
03:30Brian, chess.
03:31Not now, Lucy, I've got to think.
03:33But we always play chess from six till 6.14, when I beat you.
03:36It's crucial to my development.
03:38Well, I'm sorry, something a little more important than your development has come up,
03:41and I can't take you to that chess tournament next weekend either.
03:44Oh, Brian!
03:45I shall be at the music festival.
03:47You promised.
03:48Yeah, like that means anything.
04:00Hey there, dude man, what's the vibe, you know what I mean?
04:03It's like, what's happening on the street?
04:07I think they're putting in residential parking, Mr Johnson.
04:11Yeah, see, I was just thinking what would be well wicked and naughty
04:16would be a couple of days chilling at, say, a music festival.
04:20I've got a couple of tickets, but I promised the other one to mail.
04:23Oh, plop.
04:31Hello there, you. Mind if I sit here?
04:34I'm kind of waiting on someone.
04:36Yeah.
04:37So, would you know where an exceptionally cool and hip girl
04:42could find a special friend type person?
04:45No.
04:47Top thinking, my main man. Refreshment.
04:55Who's this?
04:57Oh, hi, Mill. This is...
04:59Spam. New girl on the block, innit?
05:02Ciao, Rooney.
05:04OK, right.
05:07You looked like you were having a nice time. What was so funny?
05:10Oh, nothing.
05:11Didn't look like nothing to me.
05:13Why? Are you jealous?
05:15No. It's a free country. You can talk to who you like.
05:18Oh, right. So if I was to ask her out, you wouldn't mind?
05:22No. Why would I mind?
05:24No reason at all. Unless you're jealous, of course.
05:29Listen, braindeath, I am not jealous.
05:32Why would I be jealous of someone who dressed like a bum
05:35went off in an Oxfam shop?
05:39She's jealous.
05:42Oh, are you still here?
05:45Apparently.
05:48Listen, Spam, what are you doing tomorrow night?
05:53Oh, the Year Three Science Cup.
05:56The Year Three Science Cup.
05:58Joint first prize.
06:00Judges commending the scope, detail and punctuality of our research.
06:05Whatever happened to those far-off, carefree days?
06:09It was last term. Are you all right?
06:12Well, when it comes to human interfacing, I must confess...
06:16Just tell me.
06:17OK. As Shakespeare once said...
06:19Wendy!
06:20We're moving. My mother's been offered a new job.
06:23Next week, we're all going to live in Birmingham.
06:27You're leaving? But this is terrible.
06:30Hey, come on. It's not that bad.
06:34Yes, it is. You'll be hundreds of miles away.
06:37Maybe even thousands. Where exactly is Birmingham?
06:41Well, it's England's second city, population 1,000,008,000,
06:46a vibrant and exciting metropolis, twimber of Chicago
06:49and set in the heart of the beautiful black country.
06:52Oh, great. So you get one million new friends and I get minus one.
06:56Hey, Lucy, a girl like you, interesting, wild, full of fun
07:02and with first-class analytical skills,
07:04you'll have no trouble getting a new best trend.
07:07Fine. Maybe I'll do that.
07:09Don't let me keep you from packing. I've got new friends to make.
07:17Brian, could you help me make sausage-flavoured ice cream?
07:20Yes, I could.
07:27Right. Family conference.
07:33There are some urgent issues we need to discuss.
07:36Recently, everyone in my life has been totally unreliable.
07:39Lucy, what are you dribbling on about?
07:44Mel failed to turn music down when I was doing my homework.
07:49Sophie failed to provide edible food.
07:52Brian failed to keep regular chess bookings,
07:55causing untold emotional distress.
07:58What about Josh?
08:00Well, I just presumed his failure was guaranteed.
08:03Well, Sophie?
08:05Sorry, Lucy, can we talk about this later?
08:08I've got to take this in to poor Josh.
08:10Brian, anything you'd like to say?
08:13Yes. Mel, have you got any lipstick?
08:16Just curious.
08:18Hiya.
08:19Trent!
08:20Sorry. Good afternoon, Trent.
08:22Mel?
08:23Get a life, geek freak.
08:25Right.
08:26Well, I see my mistake was relying on any of you in the first place.
08:30I'm moving into my own apartment in the attic.
08:32I don't need any of you.
08:34Goodbye.
08:39So, to what do we owe this pleasure?
08:42Well, I've just come to see if you fancy a movie later.
08:46Yeah, I suppose.
08:47Good.
08:48Oh, no, stupid me, I forgot. I can't tonight.
08:52I'm already seeing a film later with, uh, Spam.
08:55That girl from the diner.
08:57Oh.
08:58You two probably ought to be left alone.
08:59Sit down.
09:00Yeah, I'm really sorry to let you down.
09:03You must be terribly upset.
09:05No. Why would I be upset?
09:07Well, you know what with me just dropping you to go out with someone else.
09:11Someone that really likes me.
09:13Yeah, must be a bit of a blow to you.
09:15No, not really.
09:17In any way, she's probably only doing it for a bit.
09:20Girls just aren't interested in you.
09:22Well, Spam certainly seems to like me.
09:25And I think you'll find that she's a girl.
09:30Well, go on then.
09:31But don't you come calling back to me when she dumps you.
09:35Not that I'd care or anything.
09:38Tch.
09:39Men.
09:41Have you got a handbag?
09:43No.
09:57To solitude.
09:59So, I thought you were going to the movies.
10:10Are you checking up on me?
10:12No.
10:13I just happened to be here.
10:15So where's Spam the walking haystack then?
10:20She dumped you, didn't she?
10:22I knew it.
10:23Actually, she's right behind you.
10:25What?
10:26Hi there, hot mummy.
10:27How's it hanging?
10:29Oh, hey, Spam.
10:30No thanks.
10:31While I remember, I've got a spare ticket for the music festival next weekend.
10:36Do you fancy it?
10:37Yes, yes.
10:38Result!
10:41I mean, that would be very nice.
10:43You still want to go to that sad old thing?
10:45I'm not too bothered about it, to be honest.
10:47It's just for geeks.
10:48Well, you won't miss it then, will you?
10:49No, I won't.
10:50Good.
10:51Good.
10:52Well, bye then.
10:53I'm gone.
10:54Well, go.
10:55See ya.
10:56Trent.
10:57Wonderful.
11:01Come along, Josh.
11:03Temperature time.
11:07Why are you gawping like that?
11:12That's not how they do it with dogs.
11:14Why should you be any different?
11:16Now, come along.
11:17I have to tend to my children's every need.
11:20It's what gives my life purpose as an earth mother.
11:24Aw, you love me a lot.
11:29Leave me alone.
11:34Oh, Mel.
11:36You seem angry.
11:37Really?
11:38Well, that's because of Trent and his new little friend, Spam.
11:48If you want to talk about it, Mummy's right here.
11:50No, I do not want to talk about it!
11:52Just get off my case!
11:56Lucy doesn't want me.
11:58You don't want me.
11:59And Mel doesn't want me either.
12:01I'm clearly an utter failure as an earth mother.
12:04I shall just take my thermometer and go.
12:09I could have sworn I had an arm there.
12:14Oh.
12:15Oh.
12:20Take me out!
12:22Welcome to the disaster that is my life.
12:26Girls in Love, Friday 4.30 CITV.
12:45Happy Sunday.
13:09Happy Sunday.
13:10Squeeze, please.
13:15What's in the box that always rocks?
13:29Get right in there with the action with Wicked Sonic Games
13:32and the tastiest funky food at McDonald's.
13:35Sega 2, the next generation.
13:38One with every McDonald's Happy Meal.
13:40I'm loving it!
13:41I'm loving it, too.
13:44KISS presents the R&B Collection.
13:4740 of the sexiest R&B anthems, including Ashanti.
13:54Akon.
13:56And LL Cool J.
14:01Plus massive tracks from Usher.
14:04Nelly.
14:05And Kanye West.
14:07KISS presents the R&B Collection.
14:10Out now.
14:13From the new Barbie Fairytopia movie,
14:15discover Little Lands and the Flower House,
14:18where Bibble hides.
14:19There you are.
14:20And fairies fly.
14:22And an enchanted bridge takes you to Azura's Cottage,
14:25where more fairies live and play in Little Lands.
14:29Fairytopia Little Lands, the new Flower House.
14:33Everybody uno, everybody play.
14:36Cards are quickly flying every single way.
14:40Reverse it, pile it up.
14:41Never gonna give it up.
14:42Skip it, color it.
14:43You're never gonna wanna stop.
14:45La-la-la-la-la-la.
14:46Everybody uno, everybody play.
14:50La-la-la-la-la-la.
14:53Experience the gear-bopping world of Robots the Movie.
14:56Then play Robots the Video Game.
14:58And join the few, the proud, the machines.
15:00Robots the Video Game.
15:03Brats.
15:04Pretty and punk.
15:05Each Brats comes with two pretty and punk mix-and-match bash and accessories.
15:09Pretty and punk.
15:10Pretty and punk.
15:11Pretty and punk Brats.
15:13Aquadraw gives you so much more, more drawing fun for everyone.
15:16The special pen only needs water.
15:18And when your picture fades, you can do another.
15:20Aquadraw is good clean fun.
15:23Everyone's freaking out about The Incredibles on DVD.
15:26Hurry, before it's too late.
15:28Disney presents a Pixar film.
15:29Let's do that again.
15:30The Incredibles on DVD now.
15:41Can I help you?
15:44Dead Lobby.
15:45What?
15:46Oh, dear Lucy, your writing's terrible.
15:52Soppy is getting invisible.
15:55Sophie is getting invisible.
15:59You need to help, cause you are a schlingost.
16:03What?
16:05A big head.
16:08A German.
16:10Ah, a scientist.
16:12Oh, I see, so you need my help.
16:15Oh, hang on a minute though.
16:17Did any of you help me when I needed you?
16:19No, I don't think so.
16:21Goodbye.
16:24Leave it.
16:30Licky said no.
16:33Oh, dear.
16:34Oh, dear.
16:40I'm going to spend the rest of my life invisible.
16:42Destined to wander the streets as a total nobody.
16:47Oh, well, my life's complete, but I can't tell you it's too embarrassing.
16:51No, I can't.
16:53All right, then, you force it out of me.
16:55I'm in love.
16:56But I'm not saying who with.
16:58Oh, all right, I can't withstand your ruthless probing.
17:01It's Trent.
17:02Oh, I can see it all.
17:03A little cottage in the country.
17:05Trent coming home from work, me waiting in the rose-covered doorway.
17:08Jocasta and Algernon playing in the garden.
17:11The kids.
17:12Algernon's the spitting image of his father,
17:14but everyone says Jocasta takes after me.
17:16She's doing ever so well on the violin.
17:17Brian!
17:21Sophie, you look different. Have you lost weight?
17:23How can you just forget about me like that?
17:25I'm your magnokinetic partner.
17:28I'm sorry, Sophie, but sometimes a man needs a new partner.
17:31Someone with wit, grace, charm, style, and a couple of festival tickets.
17:35Someone like...
17:36Trent.
17:38Air you spim.
17:40Yes, that's right, I'm spam.
17:41So, you're the girl that's been upsetting Mel?
17:44Trent was powerless to resist my charms.
17:46Brian, how could you?
17:48We're supposed to care for our children, not ruin their happiness.
17:51Sophie, if you can't look after them yourself,
17:53you should never have made me get them in the first place.
17:57You may have thrown me away like a half-eaten kipper sandwich,
18:01but you have to break it off with Trent for Mel's sake.
18:04Never.
18:05There's nothing you can say that'll make me give him up.
18:08I'll tell Mel who spam really is.
18:10It doesn't matter.
18:11Our love is stronger than chill kill me.
18:14Oh, so it's over before it began.
18:17What am I to do?
18:20You morph into Trent and tell Mel you went to befriend a goon.
18:26Yeah, that ought to do it.
18:32Ready?
18:44Oh, yes?
18:46Hi, I'm Trent.
18:49Obviously.
18:51Look, I just want to say that I've been missing you a great deal,
18:57and I want us to be friends again.
19:01What?
19:02I mean, I want us to be friends again.
19:06Oh, that's good.
19:08That'd be really great.
19:10Well, that makes me happy.
19:12As happy as if a bird was singing of love.
19:15Are you feeling all right?
19:17Never mind.
19:19So, everything's back to normal then?
19:22Yeah.
19:23And let's face it, you and spam were never going to work.
19:26Oh?
19:27Well, yeah.
19:29She was a bit weird, wasn't she?
19:31I mean, she looked like a freak.
19:33I think you'll find that she's a very attractive freak,
19:37and a fun and interesting freak.
19:40Oh, really?
19:41Well, maybe you'd be better off with her then.
19:44Without a doubt.
19:45Well, go on then, and don't ever bother coming back.
19:48Very well, I won't.
19:50And with that, I am gone.
20:08Hello?
20:09Hello, Lucy. I'm in your street. Can I come in?
20:12I think it's best if you don't. Anything else?
20:14Thing is, I'm not myself. I can't concentrate.
20:17Probably too excited about moving.
20:20No, it's because of you.
20:22When I told you I was moving, I pretended it didn't matter
20:25because I thought it would be less upsetting for you.
20:27What?
20:28But I really miss you, Lucy.
20:30I can't bear us not being friends.
20:32Can't we?
20:34No.
20:35People always let you down.
20:37I mean, I could be floating around in the middle of deep space
20:40with you as my lifeline on Earth,
20:42but I hate to find that you've moved to Birmingham
20:44halfway through a mission.
20:46From now on, I'm going it alone.
20:48Oh, well, I tried.
20:50Say goodbye to Brian and Sophie for me.
20:52It was nice knowing you.
20:54Goodbye, Lucy.
20:59Oh, dear.
21:00Sophie.
21:02Whoa, Josh wasn't kidding.
21:05You are going to have a terrible life if you stay all alone.
21:09You won't have any friends or any children.
21:13You'll live all alone in a strange bungalow at the end of a road.
21:17And all the local kids will come and throw stones at your house.
21:21Is that what you want?
21:23Look, it's like Mel always says.
21:25Don't get involved and then no-one can let you down.
21:28I'm right. I know I'm right.
21:30No. You see, the thing is, if...
21:32Look, I don't need you and I don't need your stupid advice.
21:36Oh, great.
21:41Mel, I'm not getting involved with anyone.
21:43That is best, isn't it?
21:45No, Lucy. It's all wrong.
21:47But you're always saying that...
21:49Look, I know that.
21:51But whatever it takes, friends are better than no friends.
21:54Well, make your mind up.
21:56You braindod maroon.
21:59You cretinib.
22:01Mel is crying next door.
22:03Mel is crying next door.
22:05Wow, what does that sound like?
22:07This family is falling apart,
22:09like a piece of very crumbly chocolate cake.
22:12We have to do something.
22:14I've got nobody to talk to and I've got no body.
22:17Mmm, chocolate cake.
22:19We'll have to get Mel and Trent back together.
22:23What if Spam got rid of Trent?
22:25It'll break his heart, you monster.
22:27No. Josh is right.
22:29If Spam rejects Trent,
22:31then Trent will be a sad, pathetic, lonely nobody, just like me.
22:34They'll have to come crawling back to Mel.
22:36There's no way Trent can forget something as wonderful and beautiful as our unique bond.
22:39You're mad, Sophie.
22:40Brian!
22:41That's right. Run away.
22:43There may be no hope left for me,
22:45but we can still save Mel.
22:47OK. If I must, I must. I wouldn't bother myself.
22:50Mel should think herself lucky she's got you as her mother.
22:54Oh!
22:56That's the first nice thing anybody's said to me for ages.
23:01You're dumping me.
23:03You're...
23:05...guess not cool enough for me.
23:08It's for the best.
23:10But you can't dump me. What's wrong with me?
23:13I'm afraid this is how it must be.
23:17Farewell.
23:20Girls are interested in me.
23:30Oh, Trent!
23:37Wendy!
23:39I'm really sorry, and I miss you, and I'm sorry,
23:41and I don't want you to go, and I'm sorry.
23:44You're the best friend I've ever had.
23:46The feeling is entirely reciprocal.
23:48Here. This is to remember me by.
23:51And we can phone and email and write.
23:53Yes! And it turns out I'll be coming back in six months.
23:57What?
23:58Well, my parents decided that uprooting me this close to puberty
24:02could affect my emotional development.
24:04So for now, it's just a short-term posting for my mother.
24:07So you mean to say that I went through all that agony
24:10and you're coming back?
24:12Yes. Oh, it's great, isn't it?
24:15Wendy, you're the most...
24:18You're unbelievable.
24:20I know. It's been said before.
24:33Hi, Mr Johnson.
24:35Oh, hello.
24:39Hello, Mel.
24:41Not seeing Spam tonight, then?
24:43Nah. You look even wanting more.
24:46How are you?
24:47Fine.
24:49Oh, look, I'm not fine.
24:51I missed you, all right?
24:53Well...
24:54And you were right and I was wrong.
24:56About Spam. I was jealous, OK?
24:59Really? Oh, hey, forget about it.
25:02Anyway, I'm not going to see her again.
25:05Had to let her go.
25:07You dumped her?
25:08Yeah. She wasn't good for my image.
25:11So not cool.
25:13Oh, yes. And you're quite sure it wasn't her that was the dumper
25:16and you that was the dumpee?
25:18Spam dumped him.
25:20I overheard her say in a shop somewhere.
25:24Well, it was a joint decision, kind of.
25:27So I was right all along, then.
25:29Girls aren't interested in you.
25:31OK, you were right. I'm completely humiliated.
25:35Yeah, well, I suppose I could overlook it just this once
25:38and force myself to be vaguely interested in you again.
25:42As a friend.
25:44Good.
25:45Yeah.
25:49I'd better go.
25:52Oh, yeah, while I remember,
25:55I've still got a couple of tickets for this music festival.
25:58I'm not a foster bearer, but if you fancy it...
26:01I suppose I might do you a favour and take them off your hands.
26:04Oh! Sorry.
26:05Um, I'll phone you.
26:07Yeah.
26:09Oh, Brian, what is the matter with you?
26:11Oh, nothing.
26:15Sophie?
26:16Don't worry, Mel, Josh has a plan to save me.
26:19Oh, great. Do we say our last goodbyes now or later?
26:22Lucy, just in time.
26:24Josh has got a plan.
26:29We love you, Sophie.
26:34Oh! It's working.
26:36It's love. She disappears if she hasn't got enough love.
26:40Read it, Mel.
26:41Aye.
26:42Just say the word.
26:44I love you, Sophie, and you so owe me for this.
26:49I'm so miserable.
26:51I'm sorry I was horrible to you.
26:56Sweet love, thy soft touch has gone forever.
26:59We'd be lost without you.
27:02It's stopped working. Help!
27:04Thank goodness I've still got Sophie.
27:06She's been my rock throughout all this heartache.
27:09Aw, Brian.
27:13I'm back! Hooray!
27:16Sophie, nice to see you. Where have you been?
27:19I'm going to my room. I need some Kylie.
27:24What a dork.
27:29What are you doing?
27:31Surprise! Everybody's favourite things.
27:34And, um, what's in there?
27:37Whiskers on kittens.
27:39Maybe I ought to just...
27:41Hey, Grady, they were to share.
27:43I'm as confused as you.
27:44All will be revealed in My Parents of Aliens tomorrow at 4.25.
27:49Hello!
27:50Now, earlier on, we asked you how many kids does Brian hope to have with Trent.
27:54You've still got ten minutes to call 0901 0707 123.
27:58We'll call the winners straight away and reveal the answer and the winner's name at the same time next week.
28:03Remember, there's Michael Owen's sign, footy boots up for grabs.
28:06Lovely jubbly!
28:09Tomorrow's the middle of the week, but the show's a top class.
28:12It's all here, my friends. Bean, Art Attack, and more great comedy from My Parents of Aliens.
28:16Brilliant!
28:18I miss you already. Just go. Go! Leave me!
28:21Bye.
28:22Special delivery every Saturday.
28:24Isn't that a superb game?
28:26Oh, I'm so excited!
28:27Oh!
28:31I love an animation!
28:36Saturday morning stuff full of surprises.
28:38MOM, baby!
28:399.25, CITV.
28:44Celebrity Fit Club's Andy Fordham and Natasha Beddingfield on Paul O'Grady, up next.
28:51In a world of LPs and cassettes,
28:54in a time when we carried a massive 25 songs on a C90,
28:59they were some of the biggest stars on the planet.
29:02You loved them then, and you'll love them again.
29:05ITV1's assembled a potent posse of former pop heroes.
29:09They'll all be singing live for a second spin at Stardom,
29:12and you'll be voting to choose the combat champion.
29:15Hit me baby one more time, Saturday 5.45 ITV1.
29:24With the new Crunchers box, but it drifted away
29:28and landed on old Crocs.
29:31The wind blew in a parachute.
29:33We set off together to look for them
29:36and followed the trail to Crocs' den.
29:39He poured them out, but we could tell
29:42they couldn't handle the crunch.
29:44And down the house fell Coco Pops Crunchers,
29:46now having a box as loud as their crunch.
29:49Coco Pops Crunchers, can you handle the crunch?
29:54CRUNCH!
29:55CRUNCH!
29:56CRUNCH!
29:57CRUNCH!
29:58CRUNCH!
29:59CRUNCH!
30:00CRUNCH!
30:01CRUNCH!
30:02CRUNCH!
30:03CRUNCH!
30:04CRUNCH!
30:05CRUNCH!
30:06CRUNCH!
30:07CRUNCH!
30:08CRUNCH!
30:09CRUNCH!
30:10CRUNCH!
30:11CRUNCH!
30:12CRUNCH!
30:13CRUNCH!
30:14CRUNCH!
30:15CRUNCH!
30:16CRUNCH!
30:17CRUNCH!
30:18CRUNCH!
30:19CRUNCH!
30:20CRUNCH!
30:21CRUNCH!
30:22CRUNCH!
30:23CRUNCH!
30:24CRUNCH!
30:25CRUNCH!
30:26CRUNCH!
30:27CRUNCH!
30:28CRUNCH!
30:29CRUNCH!
30:30CRUNCH!
30:31CRUNCH!
30:32CRUNCH!
30:33CRUNCH!
30:34CRUNCH!
30:35CRUNCH!
30:36CRUNCH!
30:37CRUNCH!
30:38CRUNCH!
30:39CRUNCH!
30:40CRUNCH!
30:41CRUNCH!
30:42CRUNCH!
30:43CRUNCH!
30:44CRUNCH!
30:45CRUNCH!
30:46CRUNCH!
30:47CRUNCH!
30:48CRUNCH!
30:49CRUNCH!
30:50CRUNCH!
30:51CRUNCH!
30:52CRUNCH!
30:53CRUNCH!
30:54CRUNCH!
30:55CRUNCH!
30:56CRUNCH!
30:57CRUNCH!
30:58CRUNCH!
30:59CRUNCH!
31:00CRUNCH!
31:01CRUNCH!
31:02CRUNCH!
31:03CRUNCH!
31:04CRUNCH!
31:05CRUNCH!
31:06CRUNCH!
31:07CRUNCH!
31:08CRUNCH!
31:09CRUNCH!
31:10CRUNCH!
31:11CRUNCH!
31:12CRUNCH!
31:13CRUNCH!
31:14CRUNCH!
31:15CRUNCH!
31:16CRUNCH!
31:17CRUNCH!
31:18CRUNCH!
31:19CRUNCH!
31:20CRUNCH!
31:21CRUNCH!
31:22CRUNCH!
31:23CRUNCH!
31:24CRUNCH!
31:25CRUNCH!
31:26CRUNCH!
31:27CRUNCH!
31:28CRUNCH!
31:29CRUNCH!
31:30CRUNCH!
31:31CRUNCH!
31:32CRUNCH!
31:33CRUNCH!
31:34CRUNCH!
31:35CRUNCH!
31:36CRUNCH!
31:37CRUNCH!
31:38CRUNCH!
31:39CRUNCH!
31:40CRUNCH!
31:41CRUNCH!
31:42CRUNCH!
31:43CRUNCH!
31:44CRUNCH!
31:45CRUNCH!
31:46CRUNCH!
31:47CRUNCH!
31:48CRUNCH!
31:49CRUNCH!
31:50CRUNCH!
31:51CRUNCH!
31:52CRUNCH!
31:53CRUNCH!
31:54CRUNCH!
31:55CRUNCH!
31:56CRUNCH!
31:57CRUNCH!
31:58CRUNCH!
31:59CRUNCH!
32:00CRUNCH!
32:01CRUNCH!
32:02CRUNCH!
32:03CRUNCH!
32:04CRUNCH!
32:05CRUNCH!
32:06CRUNCH!
32:07CRUNCH!
32:08CRUNCH!
32:09CRUNCH!
32:10CRUNCH!
32:11CRUNCH!
32:12CRUNCH!
32:13CRUNCH!
32:14CRUNCH!
32:15CRUNCH!
32:16CRUNCH!
32:17CRUNCH!
32:18CRUNCH!
32:19CRUNCH!
32:20CRUNCH!
32:21CRUNCH!
32:22CRUNCH!
32:23CRUNCH!
32:24CRUNCH!
32:25CRUNCH!
32:26CRUNCH!
32:27CRUNCH!
32:28CRUNCH!
32:29CRUNCH!
32:30CRUNCH!
32:31CRUNCH!
32:32CRUNCH!
32:33CRUNCH!
32:34CRUNCH!
32:35CRUNCH!
32:36CRUNCH!
32:37CRUNCH!
32:38CRUNCH!
32:39CRUNCH!
32:40CRUNCH!
32:41CRUNCH!
32:42CRUNCH!
32:43CRUNCH!
32:44CRUNCH!
32:45CRUNCH!
32:46CRUNCH!
32:48CRUNCH!
32:49CRUNCH!
32:50CRUNCH!
32:51CRUNCH!
32:52CRUNCH!
32:53CRUNCH!
32:54CRUNCH!
32:55CRUNCH!
32:56CRUNCH!
32:57CRUNCH!
32:58CRUNCH!
32:59CRUNCH!
33:00CRUNCH!
33:01CRUNCH!
33:02CRUNCH!
33:03CRUNCH!
33:04CRUNCH!
33:05CRUNCH!
33:06CRUNCH!
33:07CRUNCH!
33:08CRUNCH!
33:09CRUNCH!
33:10CRUNCH!
33:11CRUNCH!
33:12CRUNCH!
33:13CRUNCH!
33:14CRUNCH!
33:15CRUNCH!
33:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:37Live from London, it's Paul O'Grady!
33:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:57Wow!
34:00Oh, it's a bit chilly in here, isn't it, with all this?
34:03That's Mr Freeze's headquarters.
34:05Well, good evening, folks, you all right?
34:07CHEERING
34:08Do you know, is it just me, or since the clocks have gone back...
34:11No, gone forward, haven't they? Have they?
34:13CHEERING
34:14Forward an hour.
34:15I can't keep up. I'm permanently knackered
34:17and I'm permanently chasing me tail. Are you?
34:20I missed that hour. Can we have the hour back, please?
34:23And my clock in the front room still says nine o'clock and it's ten
34:26and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm demented.
34:28So I'm running here tonight like Fatima Whipbread Lace.
34:31Anyway, well, we've got a great show for you tonight.
34:33Buster, keep still, please. We've got a great show for you tonight.
34:36Look, that's you in ice. Are you impressed?
34:39Isn't that lovely, eh? Yes, I'm going to learn to do that.
34:42Well, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by Buster
34:45doing something down here...
34:47LAUGHTER
34:48..we've got a great show.
34:50Oh, yes, we've got some beautiful, talented women on the show.
34:54Fabulous.
34:55CHEERING
34:57We've got chart-topper Natasha Bedingfield.
35:00CHEERING
35:03APPLAUSE
35:07And we've got the femme fatale of the hit show Hustle, Jamie Money.
35:10Let me hear you. CHEERING
35:14And also, it's a big night tonight cos we've got the Clash of the Titans,
35:18a celebrity fit club star and world champion darts player, Andy Fordham,
35:22challenges six-year-old Jordan Singh for the Paul O'Grady Trophy.
35:26That's going to be tough. Oh, yes.
35:28There's going to be air flying. I can feel it in me waters.
35:31And later on in the show, I'm so looking forward to this,
35:34I get to use one of these.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:43Er, hello, Clarice.
35:46Oh, that's an on-film, isn't it?
35:48Anyway, I've got me postbag, Buster,
35:50if I put you up there, you won't lick the ice, will you?
35:53Go on, then, good lad. Just have a look at it.
35:55Don't cock your leg, good lad.
35:58Sit there, good boy, there you go.
36:00Look at him posing by his statue.
36:02Dear Paul, blah, blah, blah, blah,
36:04I was wondering if you could mention a happy birthday to Alice,
36:07who's 11 today.
36:09Happy birthday, Alice, in Bristol, you're 11.
36:11Good luck to you, love. What else have we got?
36:13Dear Paul, now that you're turning 60...
36:1560?!
36:1960?!
36:20Jan Whittle from Manchester,
36:22I'll be up there with a brick through your window, love.
36:2549! 60.
36:27I was wondering if you would like to pose
36:29for a sensible use of Saga magazine.
36:36No teething in a string vest.
36:38Hanging on to a zimmer.
36:41All my friends at the Derby and Joan Club
36:43would love to see you in it naked.
36:45What are they like? These are women of today.
36:47Filthy reprobates, the lot of you.
36:49All right, so, Will, 15 quid.
36:52A tenner. I'll do it for nothing.
36:54Come round the front room, I'll show it to you later.
36:56Dear Paul, never miss a show, do you wear a toothpick?
36:59Do you know, I am so sick of this.
37:01Now I'm 60 and now I've got a sheikel on.
37:03No, it's not, it's my own hair.
37:05Look, look, look, look, look, look,
37:07and I've ruined it and I've just spent three hours combing it.
37:09Your hair seems to be completely different
37:11to how it was when you started the first series
37:13from Ian Gibbons in Bournemouth.
37:15Well, Ian Gibbons, that's my prerogative.
37:17Thank you.
37:18And finally, my son David has hooked on your show.
37:21He thought it might be interesting to you
37:23to see a photo he took of his lizard playing the drums.
37:28I'm going to wake up one day, you know,
37:30and realise it's all a bad trip.
37:32Here, look, and there's Harry's lizard.
37:34See you.
37:37Oh, excuse me.
37:39I've just had a fizzy drink, I'm sorry.
37:41Don't write in saying Paul O'Grady belched.
37:43These things happen.
37:45Kids love it, though, they're all laughing, you know,
37:47they all go round doing it and teachers tell me,
37:49oh, tough, you're getting off holidays,
37:51what are you moaning about?
37:52Anyway, here's Jordan with the addresses
37:54if you want to write in.
37:55Jordan, would you like to come in?
37:58All right.
38:01Right.
38:04So...
38:07This is the postal address, that's the front bit.
38:10Paul O'Grady's show can be on television,
38:12PO Box 5-something, London, SE1, 8RY,
38:14and turn round, Jordan, and show them the email,
38:16and there's the email, paulogradyaticb.com.
38:20And little Jordan's been up and down Tottenham Court Road
38:22all day, haven't you, kid?
38:23Good lad.
38:25Now then, Jordan, are you going to beat Andy?
38:27Yeah.
38:28You certainly are, aren't you?
38:29You've got some power in your corner, kid,
38:31some heavy ammunition in your camp.
38:33Me, God help him.
38:34You looking forward to it?
38:35Yeah.
38:36Yeah? Right, you go off and get ready
38:37and get your darts practised, OK?
38:39Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Singh.
38:40Give him a big round of applause.
38:45Thank you.
38:52Is it my imagination, or can you hear the birds?
38:56There's a bird in here.
38:58What sort of bird?