Ultima： Runes of Virtue (Part 1) by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00BITTREU! BITTREU! BITTREUT MICH!

00:10BITTREU! BITTREU!

00:13Fuck you EA! You killed Ultima! Fuck you!

00:16BITTREU! BITTREU! BITTREUT MICH!

00:28This game SUUUUUCKS!

00:58I've got poser critics making videos about which one's better.

01:01Losers.

01:02Anyway, yeah, I picked a side.

01:04You wanna know what side I was on?

01:06Fuck you! That's my side!

01:08I'm a PC gamer, motherfuckers!

01:10That's why I'm showing you all this awesome Ultima shit

01:12that your dumbasses ain't never played before!

01:14Cause it just so happens whenever I picked up a console game,

01:17it just so happened to be by you fucking Billy

01:20or Heroes of the fucking Lance!

01:22Fuck this shit! I hate consoles!

01:24That's why I'm so fucking pissed off right now,

01:26cause now I find out there's a bunch of Ultima games on the Super Nintendo

01:29and I don't wanna fucking play them!

01:31First you got Ultima 6, which is basically a straight-up port of the PC game.

01:35So if you wanna know if it's any good,

01:37all you gotta do is think about playing the PC version,

01:40then imagine replacing the mouse and keyboard with a fucking D-pad.

01:44It sucks!

01:45No more hotkeys, no more clicking and dragging,

01:47everything, EVERYTHING is done through the menus,

01:50one fucking tap at a time.

01:52Oh, it takes forever to do anything in this game,

01:55just looking at this shelf of potions makes me cringe.

01:58I gotta go and pick up each and every one of these individually

02:01by stepping up next to it and going through the same menu

02:04and moving the cursor step by step over the icon and picking it up.

02:08Do I want this?

02:09Do I want this?

02:10Do I want this?

02:11Do I want this?

02:12Do I want this?

02:13Do I get to pick where it goes?

02:14Nope!

02:15Now I get to shuffle my fucking inventory!

02:17Oh, no, correction,

02:18now I get to shuffle about five of my companions' inventories

02:23with a Super Nintendo controller!

02:25This interface adds days to the gameplay,

02:29and to think I complained about the PC interface before.

02:32Jesus Christ!

02:33And then there's Ultima 7, and oh, man, I was afraid of this one.

02:37Remember having the backpacks full of beef jerky and coins

02:40and tons of other random crap?

02:42My God, even with a mouse, this game was an organizational nightmare.

02:45Can you imagine trying to find that one magic ring in all this junk

02:49with a Super Nintendo controller?

02:51It'd be like trying to wipe your ass with a squeegee.

02:53Well, it's not like that at all.

02:55Here, it's the complete opposite interface from Ultima 6.

02:58Here, they basically just dump all of the RPG elements

03:01aside from looting the container that's right in front of you.

03:04It's certainly not slow anymore.

03:06Combat in Ultima 6 was turn-based.

03:08Here, it's in real time.

03:09You just sort of run up to what's over there

03:11and mash the attack button until the bad thing is...

03:13Bullshit!

03:14Dynamite!

03:15Gremlins!

03:16Lady!

03:17You have fucking gremlins with dynamite in your basement!

03:21The Avatar, the Slayer of Exodus, is one-hit by a gremlin.

03:24Fuck you!

03:25The Avatar's got this funny little flailing motion when he attacks.

03:28He swings like a nerd. I love it.

03:33As you can tell, the game is completely stripped down from the PC version.

03:36I guess they figured the only way to translate the game to a console

03:39was to trim everything out until all they were left with

03:42is a sloppy, button-mashy...

03:43Bullshit!

03:44Oh, that was bullshit!

03:45The fuck was that?

03:47Oh, great, it's a spider. Yeah, good.

03:49The Avatar's dead and the world is now doomed because of a fucking spider.

03:52There's barely even a story in this game

03:54since they made it completely linear.

03:56There's no exploration or open world.

03:58We're just left with this Zelda-ish game

04:00with sloppy controls and absolutely no balls.

04:03They took out all the blood and gore.

04:05You remember that dismembered body?

04:07Remember that dude fucking pitchforked to the wall?

04:09It's gone.

04:10You just hear about it secondhand.

04:12You don't even have any companions anymore.

04:14They want nothing to do with you.

04:16And why would they? This game sucks.

04:18The only entertainment I found

04:20was in beating sheep to death with my bare hands.

04:22Just punch them right in the fucking face.

04:24Bam!

04:25No, I can whip a horse to death so hard

04:27a chicken comes out.

04:29I just beat a chicken out of a horse's ass.

04:32Yeah, there's no moral consequences in this game.

04:34They took that out for space.

04:36Just whip some sheep to death.

04:38Who gives a shit?

04:43Oh, oh, I take it back.

04:45It does punish you for being evil.

04:47You get more jokes.

04:49You can see both extremes here.

04:51This one lurches along like a clockwork turd

04:53because they tried to keep everything in.

04:55And this one becomes a completely different type of game

04:58with bad controls and worse hit detection

05:00because they ripped everything out.

05:02So that's when they decided to try something new

05:04and design an Ultima game specifically for the consoles.

05:07Ultima Ruins of Virtue.

05:11You guys smell that?

05:13Smells like something that starts with a B

05:15and ends in trail.

05:45It's the Karate Kid.

05:47That is so not what YOLO looks like.

05:49And he's the worst character, too.

05:51You can compare their starting abilities

05:53and equipment here.

05:55Like Dupre has the most health but low magic

05:57and he starts with a sword and armor.

05:59Okay, whereas YOLO is a complete pussy

06:01and he starts with a bow and a hamburger.

06:03He starts with a fucking hamburger.

06:06Yeah.

06:08Mariah gets a wand of fireballs.

06:10YOLO gets a Big Mac.

06:12I haven't even started playing yet and I'm pissed off.

06:14This game's already completely shit the bed.

06:16What is up with the hamburger? Jesus Christ.

06:18Okay, so we've got a Black Knight

06:20as the villain here.

06:22Kind of a step down from the immortal Mondain

06:24and unbeatable Guardian, know what I'm saying?

06:26I'm bored.

06:28I've not had fun since I last

06:30terrorized Britannia.

06:32I know. I shall kidnap

06:34Lord Foden.

06:36That should really annoy Lord British.

06:39Of course.

06:41I'm bored. I haven't had any fun

06:43since I last terrorized the world.

06:45Well, I know.

06:47I will kidnap Suzette Kimball,

06:49acting director of the United States

06:51Geological Survey.

06:53Oh, that'll really annoy President Obama.

06:57He then summons a Moongate right there,

06:59which is impossible,

07:01and appears right in the poor guy's home,

07:03which is impossible because Moongates

07:05do not work this way in Ultima.

07:07They open at fixed points at specific phases of the,

07:09you know, moons because, oh, like they care.

07:11The Black Knight's primary henchmen are trolls,

07:13who don't exactly instill much terror

07:15in his enemies. Perhaps they might be more

07:17intimidating if he gave them more destructive

07:19weapons than fucking boomerangs.

07:21So he brings the guy back to his room,

07:23which has a secret door leading to

07:25a prison cell next to it, I guess.

07:27Oh, whoa.

07:29Whoa, hang on. Oh my God. Wait, stop, please.

07:31You remember that one time in Final Fantasy XIII

07:33where I started talking about the robes,

07:35like I completely obsessed over it?

07:37And I tried to explain it as best I could,

07:39but it's like in ten seconds

07:41I had like ten minutes of thoughts.

07:43I don't know, it's like

07:45when my brain sees something that's wrong,

07:47it devotes all of its run time

07:49to its solution, and in that span

07:51of time, it's like time dilates,

07:53and I just have all these

07:55thoughts, and it

07:57just happened.

07:59Okay, these are pretty much my exact thoughts

08:01in order in the ten seconds it took for this

08:03scene to play out. No joke.

08:05Why does he have three pictures of the same guy

08:07plastered all over the wall of his room?

08:09Wait, is that Lord Tholden?

08:11What the fuck it is?

08:13Is he obsessed with this guy?

08:15He's got pictures of this guy plastered all over the wall of his room,

08:17and now he's taken down in the dungeon,

08:19and oh my God, he's gonna bring out the gimp.

08:21And there's his coat of arms on the wall

08:23with the feminine symbol inside of it.

08:25What? Why?

08:27It's not an Ankh, it doesn't look like one.

08:29Why would he have an Ankh if he's evil?

08:31It looks like the symbol for women.

08:33Holy shit, if I just take a step back

08:35this entire room is the inside

08:37of the Black Knight's mind.

08:39His inner desires lay bare on the walls.

08:41Okay, you've got the Black Knight here,

08:43his sigil, his icon,

08:45and we can see he wants to be

08:47surrounded, embraced by this guy.

08:49The shield and armor project

08:51evil, strength, and menace, but

08:53inside he's a woman?

08:55Why is there a full-length mirror

08:57with a chair in front of it right in the middle

08:59of the room? Who does that?

09:01Why would you...

09:03There's nothing else there, there's just a chair and a mirror.

09:05So what? He goes to the middle of the room

09:07and... Oh my god, no.

09:09No, this can't be happening.

09:11Don't you get it? The bedroom dungeon?

09:13His unfulfilled sexual desires?

09:15His frustration at his gender identity?

09:17A full-length mirror and a chair for modeling and tailoring?

09:19He's making a woman suit!

09:21Would you fuck me?

09:23I'd fuck me.

09:25Fuck me hard.

09:51I'm flying, I am flying

09:55I...

09:59I'm flying, I am flying

10:09You...

10:13You don't even wanna know what it's like watching a Chuck Norris movie.

10:15It's like being stuck

10:17in the limbo world of Inception.

10:19Also ja, Nysel erzählt dem britischen Lorden über die Verkündung, und er sagt, wir müssen den Avatar summonieren, um ihn zu retten.

10:25Und ich meine, wirklich? Du wirst mich anrufen, für jede verdammte Sache, die in Britannien falsch läuft.

10:30Also summiert er den Mondgate, und ich erscheine sofort, einfach sofort. Aber was, wenn ich in der Dusche wäre, Kumpel?

10:37Und das, wenn er glücklich wäre. Du willst nicht wissen, was ich wahrscheinlich tue.

10:40Aber komm schon, Mann, das ist nicht der Avatar! Hallo? Ich bin der Avatar!

10:45Bruder, wir haben uns kennengelernt! Ich habe deinen dummen Arsch aus dem Abyss gezogen!

10:49Unglaublich! Niemand erkennt mich! Lord British erkennt mich nicht!

10:53Aha, ja, ich sehe, wie es ist. Das ist eine kalte Scheiße da, Mann!

10:57Wie immer, das erste, was ich in jedem Ultima-Spiel tue, ist, um den Kastel herumzurennen, um Scheiße zu stehlen.

11:02Aber in diesem Fall gibt es nichts. Und nein, du kannst keine verdammten Lächeln töten.

11:06Glaub mir, ich habe viel versucht.

11:08Obwohl, du kannst die Kanonen auslösen, was nichts erreicht.

11:11Nun, ich denke, es tötet Dutzende Dörfer, die sich um den Kastel umdrehen,

11:14die sich in Terror und Verwirrung verpissen müssen.

11:20Der Kastel wurde getötet! Es ist auf Feuer!

11:23Mann, es kommt noch einer!

11:26Oh, mein Gott!

11:29Lord British ist verletzt!

11:31Ich bin der Avatar! Wir sind hier, um ihn zu retten!

11:33Ruhe! Ruhe!

11:36Mein Gott, was zur Hölle ist das?

11:38Warte, das ist Sherry, die Maus?

11:40Sie ist etwa sechs Meter hoch. Sie ist größer als du.

11:43In jedem anderen Spiel, sie ist, naja, sie ist eine verdammte Maus.

11:46In Ultima 6 kannst du sie wirklich in deine Tasche stecken.

11:48Wann wurde sie von einem radioaktiven Husten enttäuscht und wurde so ein grotesker Mutant?

11:53Hey, cool, er verkauft Kasteln.

11:55Na, ja, ich nehme sie.

11:57Obwohl, in meinem Inventar sind es offensichtlich Kasteln.

12:00Welche Art von Zeugner-Husten macht so einen Fehler?

12:03Oh, und Lyceum wird mit einem A in den Ultima-Spielen genannt.

12:06Verdammte Husten.

12:07Übrigens ist es wirklich handig, eine Zeichnung zu lesen,

12:09Willkommen im Lyceum!

12:11Im Hintergrund des Lyceums!

12:13Du musst dir einfach die Türen von Kastelbritannien lieben,

12:15die mit gigantischen, verdächtigen Ratten und menschengrößeren, verdammten Kobras kratzen.

12:20Und das ist wie der Moment, in dem du den Fuß auf die Treppe setzt.

12:22Du denkst dir, Lord British würde ein paar Leute hier runterschicken,

12:25jeden Tag, um die gigantische, verdammte Serpent-Besitzung zu minimieren.

12:29Er hat es viel zu lange verlassen.

12:30In diesem Moment muss man die regelmäßige Armee mobilisieren.

12:33Und wenn du sie tötest, explodieren die Kobras.

12:35Verdammt, alles explodiert, wenn du sie tötest.

12:37Verdammt!

12:40Wow, da ist ein Raum voller Lava, Mann!

12:42Das ist in den Türen unter dem Kastel!

12:44Jemand sollte den Briten über den Aktiv-Magma-Flux unter seinem Thron erzählen.

12:48Weißt du was?

12:49Verdammt ihn!

12:52Und ja, genau wie du den Avatar erwartest,

12:54werde ich von einem verdammten Rat getötet.

12:56Warte mal, war es das?

12:57War es einer der Ratten?

12:59Ich bin mir ziemlich sicher, dass es ein Rat war, aber...

13:00Nein, schau!

13:01Es hat mich nicht getroffen!

13:02Es ging weg von mir!

13:03Und es war nicht einmal nahe von mir, als ich mich getroffen habe!

13:05Was zum Teufel hat mich getroffen?

13:06Und das passiert das ganze Spiel.

13:08Ich kann nie sagen, wie ich getroffen werde.

13:10Und der große Grund dafür ist, dass ich nicht weiß, wann ich getroffen werde.

13:12Es gibt keine visuellen Hinweise,

13:14wie mein Charakter flasht oder so.

13:16Es gibt keine Soundeffekte aller Art.

13:18Es ist völlig verrückt!

13:19Es ist völlig unvorhersehbar.

13:21Schau dir das an!

13:22Das hätte getroffen werden sollen.

13:23Das hätte getroffen werden sollen.

13:24Das hätte definitiv getroffen werden sollen.

13:26Manchmal kann ich einfach durch ganze Möbel fliegen.

13:28Ich habe keine verdammte Ahnung, wie ich das überlebt habe.

13:31Ich habe keine Ahnung, wann ich getroffen werde.

13:34Es gibt keine flaschende Schiene oder Soundeffekte aller Art.

13:37Man muss immer aktiv sein, um seine Gesundheit zu beobachten.

13:40Oh ja, und kurz gesagt,

13:41der Fluss ist grundsätzlich sinnlos.

13:43Die Stadt Britannien besteht jetzt aus

13:45wirklich drei Gebäuden.

13:46Der Bürgermeisterhaus,

13:47eine Läden, die drei Hamburger für 15 Dollar pro Stück verkaufen,

13:51und ein Gebäude, das ein bisschen wie eine Läden aussieht,

13:53aber wahrscheinlich nicht,

13:54weil alles, was drin ist, ist ein Piano

13:56und ein Typ hinter dem Tisch mit dem Namen GnuGnu,

13:58der nichts verkauft.

14:01Das ist es.

14:02Lord British muss die Scheiße aus Britanniens

14:04drei zahlreichen Bürgern bezahlen,

14:06wenn die Hamburger so teuer sind.

14:08Hi da!

14:09Willst du einen Reis in meine Küche?

14:10Der letzte da ist ein rotes Ei.

14:13Was zur Hölle hat er einen Teleporter benutzt?

14:15Dieser scheiß Arschloch!

14:17Ich schwöre Gott,

14:18wenn ich noch einmal Ultima 7 spiele,

14:19werde ich ihn umdrehen,

14:20damit ich in die Forge der Wünsche gehen kann,

14:22das dunkle Geist von Exodus nehmen kann

14:24und es direkt in die Leerheit schicken,

14:25diesen verdammten scheiß Arschloch!

14:27Wer hat einen Teleporter gebaut,

14:28den etwas verarscht?

14:29Dieser verdammte Arschloch!

14:30Verdammt, dieser Typ!

14:31Der hat mich angeschaut!

14:33Verdammt, verdammt, verdammt, verdammt!

14:35Was macht der riesige Seahorst da draußen?

14:37Verdammt, verdammt, verdammt, verdammt!

14:39Geh von hier raus, Seartholz!

14:40Halt die Tür, ich wechsel die Luft!

14:41Tut mir leid, tut mir leid!

14:47Was war das?

14:48Das ist ein verdammter Seahorst!

14:49Was tut er da draußen,

14:50andem er atmet!

14:51Verdammt, ich...

14:52Nein, nein, nein, nein!

14:54Nein, nein, nein, nein!

14:55Das geht nicht so hin, okay?

14:56Verdammt!

14:57Fuck seahorses! I am not living in fear of goddamn seahorses!

15:01Cheating shit whistler. Seahorses breathe lightly.

15:05Yeah, I knew that! You wanna try that again, Seabiscuit?

15:08Cause you just made it shit!

15:10Okay, that's it! Piss now!

15:12You just called down the thunder, you son of-

15:14Ow! Goddammit! Do you see how much health that takes off in one hit?

15:18It's like half my fucking balls!

15:20Fuck! You motherfucker! I am gonna fuck you angry!

15:23I'm gonna eat your ass with tartar sauce and those cheesy fucking garlic biscuits I got at Red Love!

15:28Shit! You dick minstrel!

15:31Fine. You know what? Fine.

15:33You win this round, seahorses. You're real tough. Real badass!

15:38Okay? So laugh it up!

15:40But you know what? Humanity always wins in the end.

15:42Cause you know why?

15:44Next coral reef I see, I'm gonna pollute the fuck out of it!

15:47So choke on these nuts!

15:50This is literally the first monster you encounter when you set foot outside the fucking castle.

15:55A fucking seahorse that apparently has Godzilla's atomic breath.

15:58I mean, what the fuck?

16:00There haven't even been any seahorse monsters in the Ultima games until now.

16:03What do we have? Oh, we have fucking sea serpents.

16:06Oh, but that's just fucking stupid.

16:08We have giant squids. Yeah, we could release the Kraken.

16:11Or, you know, seahorses.

16:13Oh, and dragon turtles that already breathe fire.

16:16Yeah, I would believe Gamera kicking my ass.

16:19Gamera has already been established!

16:21But you know what the real joke is?

16:23I think it's the only monster in the entire game that doesn't even attack you.

16:27Until you attack it, of course.

16:29And when you do, it brings the wrath of God down upon you.

16:32But you just started the game. It's a monster.

16:35So of course you're gonna attack it, because it's there!

16:38And it's a fucking seahorse. Who gives a shit?

16:40The biggest they ever get is 14 inches.

16:42And then this happens.

16:44Just why seahorses? Why?

16:46You couldn't think of anything less intimidating, like sea otters?

16:49Except they're vampires with heat vision and acid for blood.

16:52I can't even...

16:57Ah, great. Now I've got seahorses.

17:02It's just gonna sit there, isn't it?

17:04Shitting all over the floor.

17:07Well, I have to kill it. I mean, we both know where this is going, yeah.

17:10But do you want seahorses in your house?

17:14Oh! Wow!

17:16Anti-climax for the win!

17:18Carpet's fucked. Don't care! That was awesome!

17:22Shit!

17:44Okay...

17:49Oh, God! Son of a bitch! Oh, that hurts!

17:57Snakes!

17:59Why did it have to be snakes?

18:01Ah!

18:31Yeah!

19:32Oh, God!

19:35Oh, God!

19:37Oh, God!

19:39Oh, God!

19:41Oh, God!

19:43Oh, God!

19:45Oh, God!

19:47Oh, God!

19:49Oh, God!

19:51Oh, God!

19:53Oh, God!

19:55Oh, God!

19:57Oh, God!

19:59Oh, God!

20:01Oh, God!

20:03Oh, God!

20:05Oh, God!

20:07Oh, God!

20:09Oh, God!

20:11Oh, God!

20:13Oh, God!

20:15Oh, God!

20:17Oh, God!

20:19Oh, God!

20:21Oh, God!

20:23Oh, God!

20:25Oh, God!

20:27Oh, God!

20:29Oh, God!

Ultima： Runes of Virtue (Part 1) by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment

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