The friendship between two life-long girlfriends is put to the test when one starts a family and the other falls ill HD ( Comedy, Drama, Romance )
The friendship between two life-long girlfriends is put to the test when one starts a family and the other falls ill HD ( Comedy, Drama, Romance )
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Ah, childbirth. The most beautiful experience of a woman's life.
00:00:11It's okay. You're in control.
00:00:12I'm in agony!
00:00:14Marginally less painful than having your nose hacked off with a shovel.
00:00:18Breathe, Jess. Breathe.
00:00:20I want Millie.
00:00:21Who? Who is Millie?
00:00:23Millie. My best friend.
00:00:26Although a proper friend would have prevented me from ever having sex in the first place.
00:00:31I met Millie when my dad got transferred from Oregon to London.
00:00:35Okay, everybody. Here is our new girl.
00:00:38Jess. All the way from America.
00:00:40Hey, guys. Nice to meet you.
00:00:42Nice accent.
00:00:43I'm American.
00:00:45Okay. What do we know about America?
00:00:49Millie.
00:00:50They've got electric chairs.
00:00:52Electric chairs.
00:00:57Millie took pity on me and taught me how to speak proper English.
00:01:01Bloody bleeding bumhole bugger. You got it.
00:01:05Yay!
00:01:08Millie's mum was a TV actress.
00:01:13So how does mummy look?
00:01:15Like a right old tart.
00:01:17Back to your homework.
00:01:20Mr Heathcliff had an erect and handsome figure.
00:01:26Hello, ladies.
00:01:28Do you want to come check out my big throne?
00:01:32We did everything together.
00:01:34First kisses.
00:01:40We get the boys!
00:01:42First sexual encounters.
00:01:49Garret gets in some! Garret gets in some! Garret gets in some for the guys!
00:01:54Garret gets in some! Garret gets in some! Garret gets in some for the guys!
00:02:10Millie! What are you doing here?
00:02:12Jess!
00:02:13What the fuck?
00:02:14I just had sex!
00:02:17First little bundle of joy.
00:02:24Kit.
00:02:26Alright, ladies.
00:02:32Congratulations.
00:02:33Who's the dad?
00:02:35I'm kidding.
00:02:37She's not.
00:02:41That's excellent.
00:02:43That's excellent!
00:02:45We can have a family! We can have a family!
00:02:48And because Millie liked to be the first at everything.
00:03:06Millie's roadie turned into a family man with a plan.
00:03:16A really good plan.
00:03:18Put the speakers in. Sell the speakers. That's it.
00:03:21Get the baby bumpers.
00:03:24While I got busy trying to make the world a better place.
00:03:30Scarlett, we're going to plant those tomatoes next, okay?
00:03:33And I fell for someone who looked way better than me in a tool belt.
00:03:38Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Sorry about that. Are you alright?
00:03:41Sorry, mate.
00:03:46When's the second truck coming?
00:03:48What truck?
00:03:49With your shoe collection.
00:03:51And your hair products.
00:03:53Oh, Juliet!
00:03:54Oh, I love my house! This is my house!
00:03:57Our house? Me and the kids are going to live here too.
00:04:00I think we should christen this room.
00:04:02I think we should christen every room.
00:04:10Kiss me.
00:04:12Kiss me.
00:04:14Millie actually became a wonderful mother.
00:04:17I love you.
00:04:18Love you.
00:04:20Ben, show Dad how to do it. Come on.
00:04:22How do you make it wiggle?
00:04:25Oh my God, I'm good at this!
00:04:27While I was still just an auntie.
00:04:29Now you gotta help me make a baby vajaygo.
00:04:31We're trying.
00:04:32That's the best part.
00:04:33And though Millie wasn't always entirely appropriate.
00:04:36Thank you all for coming to celebrate my mother's life.
00:04:40She was always there.
00:04:53Happy birthday, Auntie Jane!
00:05:02Happy birthday!
00:05:05I didn't have many pictures that Millie wasn't in.
00:05:11Until now.
00:05:22Hiya.
00:05:23Hello, you.
00:05:25Come, sit down.
00:05:28So, Millie.
00:05:30I know, I forgot to come back for my check-up.
00:05:33The breast lump biopsy shows that the lump is malignant.
00:05:38Okay.
00:05:40Now, we will need to run further investigations.
00:05:44A CT scan, staging chest, abdomen and pelvis to see if it's spread.
00:05:50We'll also look at your lymph nodes.
00:05:53But for now, what we can do is plan your chemotherapy regime.
00:06:09So that's it, is it?
00:06:11You promised me you'd eat some green.
00:06:13Just cheese and bread. That's all you're gonna eat is cheese and bread.
00:06:20Give mummy a kiss. What's up with mummy?
00:06:23Don't touch your food.
00:06:27Have something.
00:06:39Hey, isn't today a fertile day?
00:06:42You up for a quick spooge before work?
00:06:45Maybe.
00:06:52Oh, wait.
00:06:53What?
00:06:54Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:06:55What for? What?
00:06:57Why?
00:06:58I don't know.
00:07:00I'm not sure.
00:07:02I don't know.
00:07:04I don't know.
00:07:06What for? What?
00:07:08Why? Why?
00:07:12What's that? Some kind of laptop for a hamster.
00:07:15It's my new fertility monitor.
00:07:17I pee on it first thing in the morning and it tells me if I'm ovulating or not.
00:07:21Because heaven forbid we actually have sex for the fun of it one of these days.
00:07:27Well, what if we keep trying and trying and it just never works?
00:07:31Eventually you're gonna go off and make babies with some 22-year-old.
00:07:35I mean, you're not 22.
00:07:38You're a lying cow.
00:07:41Your eggs are ready.
00:07:45Not according to this.
00:07:47What?
00:08:04Have you seen my tuxedo trousers?
00:08:06No, cleaning bag.
00:08:10Bastard black tie, Vince.
00:08:12I bet Jago's not wearing any tux.
00:08:14He better be.
00:08:15What do you mean? Nobody's gonna be looking at you tonight anyway.
00:08:17You're just a handbag holder.
00:08:19Millie?
00:08:21I think Ben's got head L-I-C-E.
00:08:23Oh, Jesus.
00:08:25As soon as they start back at school, every bloody term.
00:08:27You have to fumigate, Millie.
00:08:29I didn't sign up for this.
00:08:31Ah! The nits are sucking out my brain meat!
00:08:33Come on, go and dry your hair back in the bathroom.
00:08:35Go, go, go.
00:08:37My mother is sucking out my brain meat.
00:08:39It was your bright idea to have her move near us.
00:08:41I was blinded by the thought of free babysitting.
00:08:43Oh, my God. Scarlett's got them, too.
00:08:45Oh, Nana, get off!
00:08:47It's not Nana, sweetie.
00:08:49It's Miranda.
00:08:51Millie, you have to comb through the kid's hair.
00:08:53Doesn't she, kid?
00:08:55Absolutely.
00:08:57Fine, I'll deal with the head lice.
00:08:59You go to the benefit and take care of 200 VIPs.
00:09:01You look stunning, but you've got to get them out more.
00:09:03Come on.
00:09:05I'm a PR executive, not a sex worker.
00:09:07Oh, well.
00:09:09Miss, we thought it was in the dry cleaning bag.
00:09:11Oh, my God, Dad, why are you wearing girls' jackets?
00:09:13Can we sacri-dry-clean her?
00:09:15They pop if you squeeze them.
00:09:17Disgusting.
00:09:19All nitty children back in the bathroom. Go, go, go.
00:09:23Because of your support,
00:09:25we've given over 260,000 people safe, clean water.
00:09:27We're going to do even more.
00:09:29Help us build wells tonight.
00:09:35Hello. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
00:09:37Thank you so much for coming.
00:09:39Good evening.
00:09:41Sweetheart, do not get drunk and bid on Julie Conniff, or...
00:09:43OK, how about if I get really drunk but don't bid on anything?
00:09:45Deal.
00:09:47What?
00:09:49Hey!
00:09:51OK, OK, please, tonight,
00:09:53just try not to embarrass me for once.
00:09:55I am working here.
00:09:57By the way, you look amazing.
00:09:59Not enough tits out, according to my mother.
00:10:01She's the expert.
00:10:03Oh, God, all right, I've got to go persuade all these rich people
00:10:05to flash their cash.
00:10:07I'd like you to react as if I'd said something humanitarian.
00:10:09Yeah, hilarious.
00:10:19Happy Valentine's, sexy.
00:10:29A little gift to yourself.
00:10:31I know.
00:10:33I'm already wearing mine.
00:10:37Ha-ha!
00:10:39Right, I'm off.
00:10:41Happy Valentine's Day.
00:10:43Oh, what?
00:10:47Sweetheart, you know I think it's a lot of commercialised bollocks, right?
00:10:49Yes, I do.
00:10:55Hey, I've been thinking
00:10:57that maybe we should put all our eggs in one...
00:10:59test tube.
00:11:01Going for the old fertility treatment.
00:11:03Well, we didn't qualify for free treatment.
00:11:05I'm not talking about doing it on the National Health.
00:11:13You're going on the oil rig again.
00:11:15Only for a short stint.
00:11:17No, they're the worst.
00:11:19Yeah, that's why they pay the most.
00:11:21I don't even take aspirin.
00:11:23I hate the thought of all those horrible drugs.
00:11:25Yeah, I hate the thought of wanking off into a plastic cup.
00:11:27But if it means that we produce an heir
00:11:29to our extensive power tool collection,
00:11:31it'll all be worthwhile.
00:11:33Hey.
00:11:37Happy Valentine's Day.
00:11:45Drill bits.
00:11:51What do you think about it?
00:11:55Okay.
00:12:03Hi.
00:12:15Hi.
00:12:17Hey. What are you up to at lunchtime?
00:12:19Working lunch.
00:12:21Team bonding with the sex gods
00:12:23from water and sanitation.
00:12:25Oh, they're okay.
00:12:27Is everything okay?
00:12:29Billy?
00:12:34You found out a week ago?
00:12:36And you haven't told Kit yet?
00:12:39I have to have chemotherapy.
00:12:41Like, straight away.
00:12:43I'm gonna be bald.
00:12:45Lots of people are bald.
00:12:47Oh, men are bald, Jess.
00:12:49Babies, E.T.
00:12:51Not me.
00:12:53It might take my tits away.
00:12:55They haven't said that yet.
00:12:57Not for sure.
00:12:59Well, I mean, how much cancer can you have?
00:13:01You've had all your checkups.
00:13:05Well, I've been busy.
00:13:07Oh, Jesus.
00:13:09Well, how could the tumor have gotten so big?
00:13:11Because it's aggressive, like you.
00:13:13Jesus.
00:13:15Well, is it contained in my body?
00:13:17Yes. You should have gone back sooner.
00:13:19Yeah, thanks. I hadn't figured that out.
00:13:21You're right. That was a really stupid thing to say.
00:13:23I'm sorry.
00:13:25Is it too late?
00:13:28Let's put these in the wash.
00:13:35You have to think positively.
00:13:37Oh, God, if I die.
00:13:41If you say that again...
00:13:43Well...
00:13:45Don't say that.
00:13:47It's all gonna be okay.
00:13:51I can't believe we're laughing.
00:13:53I can't believe we're laughing.
00:13:57I don't want to go through it.
00:13:59Oh, don't. They won't have to. They're not going to.
00:14:01No, they're gonna watch me go through it,
00:14:03and then they're gonna have all sorts of shit
00:14:05they have to deal with when they're older.
00:14:07We're gonna make it extra wonderful for them.
00:14:09We will. We'll look after them so much,
00:14:11and it's such a wonder you've made them into such wonderful kids.
00:14:27The lovely nurse puts chemotherapy
00:14:29into the IV drip,
00:14:31and the medicine is like an army of soldiers,
00:14:33and they all march into Mummy's body.
00:14:35Left, right, left, right, left, right.
00:14:37Now, chemo soldiers,
00:14:39they shoot the bad cancer out.
00:14:41I want chemotherapy!
00:14:45But these soldiers are a bit rubbish,
00:14:47so they also shoot parts of Mummy's body
00:14:49that aren't Pauline.
00:14:51This makes Mummy feel ill.
00:14:53And just to be very, very safe,
00:14:55the soldiers might zap out all of Mummy's big hair.
00:14:57But all this is so Mummy will get better.
00:14:59Yay!
00:15:01And that, my gorgeous family,
00:15:03is chemotherapy.
00:15:05Very good, Mummy.
00:15:07Whoo!
00:15:13Good plan.
00:15:15No, you go.
00:15:17I'll go.
00:15:19Good plan.
00:15:21No, you go. I'll be fine.
00:15:23I've got Jess to order around.
00:15:25What's now?
00:15:27Okay, I'll get the kids from your mum.
00:15:33Okay, I've got
00:15:35magazines, nail art,
00:15:37funny animals on YouTube.
00:15:39Ooh, I've got a sexy bed.
00:15:41Did you bring a vibrator?
00:15:43Yes, several.
00:15:45Yes!
00:15:47Jess, this is Nurse Sam.
00:15:49Nurse Sam, this is Jess, my elderly companion.
00:15:51Sam,
00:15:53I want a blue cap.
00:15:55Just so you know, with your type of chemo,
00:15:57there's only about a 20% chance it'll save your hair.
00:15:59And some people find it quite painful.
00:16:01Worked for me.
00:16:03Get me the blue cap.
00:16:05She wants the blue cap.
00:16:07She's getting the blue cap.
00:16:11Wow, that is a big prick.
00:16:13Yeah, I know. Bit of a monster.
00:16:15Okay, Millie.
00:16:19Oh, it's a beautiful vein.
00:16:21Yay, my beautiful veins.
00:16:23Always thought you had
00:16:25beautiful veins.
00:16:29You kind of look like a superhero.
00:16:31I just can't place which one
00:16:33and I can't tell if you're good or bad.
00:16:37Maybe Captain America?
00:16:39Maybe
00:16:41Aquagirl?
00:16:43Whichever one it is,
00:16:45lives in an igloo.
00:16:47Is it cold?
00:16:49I have an ice cream headache
00:16:51as though I've eaten the entire shop
00:16:53out of their ice lollies.
00:16:57Definitely Captain America.
00:17:07The chemo took forever.
00:17:09My job, Millie said,
00:17:11is to deal with treats and try not to be annoying.
00:17:13So, Jess,
00:17:15you're in charge of these.
00:17:17Recycled vomit bowls.
00:17:19Well, I won't need those because I took my meds.
00:17:21I might need one after seeing that enormous needle
00:17:23go into your veins.
00:17:25Do you want one of my pills?
00:17:27Girls, we're not at Glastonbury.
00:17:29You can't just swap pills.
00:17:31You spoil sport.
00:17:33Yeah, well, look, anti-nausea tablets
00:17:35work for 80% of patients,
00:17:37but just in case Millie's in the special 20%.
00:17:39Thank you. Good.
00:17:41Keep an eye on her.
00:17:43Thank you, Sam.
00:17:45Ooh, nice hat.
00:17:49How are we going to reboot his image?
00:17:51Easy.
00:17:53We just need loads of charity work and children
00:17:55and doctors maybe to go to hospital.
00:17:57Is it for Millie?
00:17:59We could start by encouraging him
00:18:01not to cheat on his wife with a dominatrix.
00:18:05I mean, I tried to kill that story.
00:18:07Right.
00:18:15Are you done, Sam?
00:18:17Oh!
00:18:19God!
00:18:31Burmese virgin hair?
00:18:33Malaysian virgin hair?
00:18:35Oh, that's me. I'm a Malaysian virgin.
00:18:37You wish.
00:18:39Mongolian virgin hair?
00:18:43God, Millie.
00:18:45These wigs are so expensive.
00:18:47Yeah, look at the state of me, Jess.
00:18:49Money is no object.
00:18:51Everyone, this is Jill,
00:18:53the greatest wig maker
00:18:55Pinewood Studios ever had.
00:18:57Piss off, darling.
00:18:59Hello, Millie.
00:19:01Now, I can make you something,
00:19:03but I think we should just play
00:19:05with some of these wigs, just to get the feel.
00:19:07Okay.
00:19:09I've got a few ready for you.
00:19:11If you could just hold the front, that would be great.
00:19:13Thank you.
00:19:15Of course, we can style it any which way.
00:19:17Oh.
00:19:19Sorry, that's a little bit
00:19:211980s political lesbian.
00:19:23Boring.
00:19:25We have something a little
00:19:27more exciting here.
00:19:29Oh, Varied Studio 54.
00:19:31What do you think, Randy?
00:19:33Darling, it's all a naked blow.
00:19:35You like?
00:19:37It's a little goth.
00:19:39Yeah, it looks like I'm just going to pop out and drink some blood.
00:19:41No, well, this won't do, will it?
00:19:43Is it okay if I just try this one?
00:19:45Sorry, I've been eyeballing it.
00:19:47Oh.
00:19:49Oh, my God.
00:19:55The sun actually will come out tomorrow,
00:19:57Daddy Warbucks.
00:19:59Jill,
00:20:01will you just please make me not look bald?
00:20:03Colour?
00:20:05Something that matches.
00:20:07Upstairs or downstairs?
00:20:09Upstairs it is.
00:20:11Oh, I think I've got something rather special
00:20:13that I made for a
00:20:15Scorsese film.
00:20:17Scorsese film?
00:20:19Yes, it was a couple of years ago.
00:20:21Darling, you never mentioned that.
00:20:23I emailed you.
00:20:25A bit tight, but that's going to be okay.
00:20:27But wait a minute.
00:20:29A few nips
00:20:31and tucks, I think it should be
00:20:33perfect.
00:20:35Thank you.
00:20:37Okay, my pleasure.
00:20:39Thank you, Jill.
00:20:41I kind of thought it would really
00:20:43work, and I think it has.
00:20:47Now, Millie, dear girl,
00:20:49how about we
00:20:51just get rid of all this?
00:20:53What, now?
00:20:55It's all going to go very soon, darling.
00:20:57Best avoid the insane
00:20:59asylum look.
00:21:03Jill, why not?
00:21:05Good girl.
00:21:11I think I'll put the kettle on.
00:21:13Okay, I'll help.
00:21:25It's often those watching who find it the hardest.
00:21:31You ready?
00:21:55Yes.
00:22:05Ew, I look like a leopard.
00:22:07What, a leper or a leopard?
00:22:21Would you like a lock, darling?
00:22:23Ew.
00:22:25I agree, absolutely disgusting.
00:22:27But some people get very sentimental.
00:22:29Thanks, Jason.
00:22:37It's unfair.
00:22:39You look so beautiful.
00:22:43Why, thank you, Mum.
00:22:45Thank you.
00:22:51Looks quite good.
00:22:57Thank you, Jan.
00:22:59You look great.
00:23:09Cheese?
00:23:11Cheese?
00:23:13I'm not eating cheese.
00:23:15Excuse me, who taught you that word?
00:23:17What, cheese?
00:23:19Yeah, really clever.
00:23:21He said the F word the other day.
00:23:23Ben.
00:23:25Dad lost.
00:23:27Get dressed.
00:23:29Mum's still poorly.
00:23:31Fit as a fiddle.
00:23:33Where's your swim bag?
00:23:35Where's Dad?
00:23:37On the boat.
00:23:39Kit, I need some help here.
00:23:41Sweetheart, Daddy's going to drop you off.
00:23:43Ben's not on the automation!
00:23:45Ben!
00:23:47Kit, can you sort Scarlett's shirt?
00:23:49I'm sorry, I've got a work crisis.
00:23:51Tell Hong Kong Darren that I need you.
00:23:53Play the cancer card.
00:23:55Yeah, I've done that a million times.
00:23:57I've got a splitting headache.
00:23:59Scarlett, just go and get any clean shirt.
00:24:01I haven't got a clean shirt.
00:24:03Oh, of course.
00:24:05It's on my list.
00:24:07Ever heard of multitasking?
00:24:09Yay!
00:24:11Not bold. Not in the bold hat.
00:24:13Mum, what if my friends see?
00:24:15You prefer I wear the sun hat?
00:24:17Not the sun hat.
00:24:19Come on, we've paid a fortune for you to go and splash water at each other.
00:24:21Hurry up!
00:24:23Piggyback to the car.
00:24:25Woo!
00:24:27Ben.
00:24:29I told you Mum wasn't better.
00:24:31I'm fine.
00:24:33You're all right. Go back to bed. I'll drive them.
00:24:35Why didn't you say you were feeling unwell?
00:24:39You really
00:24:41don't know women, Dad.
00:24:43I'm not
00:24:45cooking that again. That was a bit bland.
00:24:47Hi.
00:24:49Hello?
00:24:51There should be a person.
00:24:53Excuse me?
00:24:55Come over
00:24:57and sort things out, like
00:25:01get us shopping in,
00:25:03get us kids off to school,
00:25:05arrange us play dates.
00:25:07Like a husband?
00:25:09Sorry, I don't mean to shit on a kid.
00:25:11Right.
00:25:13What about your mum?
00:25:15Al Miranda has very thoughtlessly
00:25:17got herself a job on some
00:25:19crappy miniseries.
00:25:21Oh, she got the part in Shakespeare's Women. Well, good for her.
00:25:23Shakespeare's Shags, more like.
00:25:27Yeah, it's good for her.
00:25:29Not for me.
00:25:31I have got to sleep.
00:25:33My white blood cells are trotted.
00:25:35I'll call you later?
00:25:37Yeah, bye.
00:25:39Is everything alright?
00:25:53Where are you going?
00:25:55What?
00:25:57I just think I should go over there for a few days
00:25:59and help out.
00:26:01Don't you think you've done enough?
00:26:03We've already put off having the IVF.
00:26:05She doesn't know that.
00:26:07And besides, we decided to
00:26:09postpone until after chemo.
00:26:11You decided.
00:26:13How much longer are we going to put our lives on hold?
00:26:15Well, that's a super attitude, Jago.
00:26:17Have you even stopped for a second
00:26:19to think about how Millie feels?
00:26:21What?
00:26:23I just want us to have a baby, Jess.
00:26:25Don't make me into the bastard for that.
00:26:27Excuse me, please.
00:26:29Okay, fine.
00:26:31I will start treatment.
00:26:33You can borrow the money
00:26:35and then go on the rig and pay it back, okay?
00:26:37Jay?
00:26:47You stupid arse crack.
00:26:59Sorry.
00:27:01I'll try one more time.
00:27:03He has a dark-skinned gypsy
00:27:05in aspect.
00:27:07In dress and manner, he's a gentleman.
00:27:09Because he has an erect
00:27:11and handsome figure
00:27:13and rather morose.
00:27:15What do women see in those
00:27:17pouty Mr. Darcy types?
00:27:19Darcy? Heathcliff is a whole other kettle of man-meat.
00:27:21Well, you can check out this
00:27:23and all the others on the website.
00:27:25I'm sure you'll like it.
00:27:27He's a whole other kettle of man-meat.
00:27:29Well, you can check out this bit of man-meat as he walks away.
00:27:31I've got to go find a doctor.
00:27:35Sam?
00:27:37Wow.
00:27:39Stop it, please.
00:27:41Don't ask me again. It's no.
00:27:43Ben, put the car down and eat some greens.
00:27:45Why are you just pushing it around?
00:27:47Mummy!
00:27:49Hey, Mummy.
00:27:51Why am I so popular?
00:27:53Oh, he is a very mean man.
00:27:55That's why I married him.
00:27:57I told Scarlet she couldn't have her ears pierced.
00:27:59She's got hers done.
00:28:01And Bianca's getting them done this weekend.
00:28:03I'm like the only person
00:28:05in my whole class who doesn't.
00:28:07So all the boys have got pierced ears?
00:28:09Felix and Archie have.
00:28:11I think about it over the summer holidays.
00:28:13Oh, great. That's good, consistent parenting.
00:28:15Oh, I didn't say yes.
00:28:17How old were you when you had yours done?
00:28:19Hmm, I can't remember.
00:28:21Miranda says you were ten. You didn't even tell her.
00:28:23Your grandmother is a dirty snitch.
00:28:25I must need some salt or something.
00:28:27Hmm.
00:28:29Why don't you take over
00:28:31and I'll go and finish up the work.
00:28:33Fine. As soon as I vomit in the salad bowl.
00:28:35You okay?
00:28:39Should I grab your pills?
00:28:41They don't work.
00:28:47Vitamin A. I just pureed some vegetables.
00:28:49So did I.
00:28:51Care to try some?
00:28:59Oh, I'm not eating that.
00:29:01It's natural deodorant, sweetie.
00:29:03It's made from arrowroot
00:29:05and sheer butter.
00:29:07Maybe I will have some on toast.
00:29:09They think that aerosol deodorants may cause breast cancer.
00:29:11Oh, and if I use that,
00:29:13it'll make the cancer go away.
00:29:15Ta-da.
00:29:17Why have you brought me an outfit
00:29:19from a 1970s sitcom?
00:29:21Darling, it's vintage
00:29:23to keep Kit interested.
00:29:25Sex is so important
00:29:27and he's awfully dishy.
00:29:29Well, I will make sure I do not wear that.
00:29:31If that side of things slides away...
00:29:33Then?
00:29:35Then what?
00:29:37I've only got myself to blame?
00:29:39Is that what you're saying?
00:29:41I'm trying, really.
00:29:45I know, love.
00:29:47Oh!
00:29:49Hi, Cheryl.
00:29:51Oh, hiya.
00:29:57You are totally brilliant, Sam,
00:29:59and I hope I never see you again.
00:30:01The feeling's mutual.
00:30:03Yeah, that's for you,
00:30:05man-mate.
00:30:07Mum, we made food for you.
00:30:09Oh, that's very kind of you.
00:30:11Nutella and crisp sandwiches.
00:30:13And we bought you a new mug.
00:30:15I made tea, but Dad won't let me boil the kettle
00:30:17so it's hot tap.
00:30:19Mmm, tap water tea.
00:30:21Oh, thank you, children.
00:30:23I'm not too peckish at the minute,
00:30:25but I think Auntie Jess is
00:30:27and she would love a cup of tea.
00:30:29I'll make her one.
00:30:31No, no, just give her mine.
00:30:33Oh, no.
00:30:35Come on.
00:30:37Nutella and crisps, you say?
00:30:39Yeah.
00:30:41On white bread?
00:30:43Mmm.
00:30:45Anything to report on the old baby from?
00:30:49Well?
00:30:51We don't have sex anymore.
00:30:53We just attempt to reproduce.
00:30:55When the basal body temperature
00:30:57and cervical mucus are aligned,
00:30:59then, and I mean only then,
00:31:01am I allowed anywhere near the vagina.
00:31:03What about you and Millie?
00:31:05Can she still...?
00:31:07Nope.
00:31:09She's allowed me to have sex with other girls whenever I want.
00:31:11Very decent of her.
00:31:13No, mate.
00:31:15She only finished her last round of chemo today.
00:31:17I'll at least leave it to the weekend.
00:31:19Yeah, give her a few days.
00:31:21Do you know,
00:31:23it'd probably be easier if me and you just
00:31:25started having sex.
00:31:29Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say that?
00:31:33Injectable gonadotropins
00:31:35regulates the final burst
00:31:37of egg growth.
00:31:39Side effects include fatigue,
00:31:41nausea, bloating.
00:31:43Great.
00:31:47Oh.
00:31:51Look at you,
00:31:53like a modern Michelangelo.
00:31:55Somebody's been hitting the gym.
00:31:57Good to see you.
00:31:59You too, sweetie.
00:32:01I got no reason for the state I'm in
00:32:03but I know what I am.
00:32:05They know what they are, so let me be.
00:32:09Knock, knock.
00:32:11Hi, gorgeous. Hiya.
00:32:13I just wanted to give you a quick heads-up on the last few days.
00:32:15Sure. We've signed a couple of big-name clients.
00:32:17We've got MIA and The National.
00:32:19Yep, I got the emails.
00:32:21I just wanted to let you know
00:32:23we're all here for you.
00:32:25And your haircut looks amazing.
00:32:27It's a wig. I know.
00:32:29Welcome back.
00:32:31Thank you.
00:32:47They've stolen all my eggs.
00:32:49You sound like the Easter bunny.
00:32:51Did you do your mucky business?
00:32:53Yeah.
00:32:55It was really difficult
00:32:57getting that tiny pop.
00:32:59It's gone everywhere.
00:33:01What? How much did you lose?
00:33:03That could be our baby.
00:33:05Don't worry.
00:33:07I managed to scrape most of it off the cubicle wall.
00:33:09At least I think it was mine.
00:33:17Woo!
00:33:19Woo!
00:33:21Come on!
00:33:27Woo!
00:33:49So, Millie, the treatment has worked.
00:33:51But...
00:33:53You've got the but voice on.
00:33:55You know you're an oncologist,
00:33:57and I had hoped to proceed
00:33:59with a lumpectomy and radiation.
00:34:01But based on all of your results,
00:34:03we recommend at this stage
00:34:05to proceed to mastectomy.
00:34:13No.
00:34:15Millie, this will give us
00:34:17our best chance of eliminating the cancer.
00:34:21Well...
00:34:25Single or...
00:34:29Double?
00:34:31Because your cancer is triple negative,
00:34:33I'm looking at your genetic testing results.
00:34:37We advise erring on the side of caution.
00:34:45Oh, pick up.
00:34:47Pick up, Jess.
00:34:49Jacob?
00:34:51Jacob, get in here, baby!
00:34:57We're gonna need a bigger boat.
00:34:59Aah!
00:35:01Oh, my God!
00:35:03Oh, it worked.
00:35:05It worked.
00:35:07Oh, we'll just put the kid in a drawer.
00:35:09We don't live in a Dickens novel.
00:35:11Oh, my God!
00:35:13I can't believe it.
00:35:15Oh, hello?
00:35:17Jess?
00:35:19Um, have you seen Mills?
00:35:21Uh, no. She phoned earlier,
00:35:23but she didn't leave a message.
00:35:25Bloody hell. She was back hours ago.
00:35:29Um, can I call you back?
00:35:31Yep.
00:35:33Okay.
00:35:35Where are you going?
00:35:37I think I might know where she is.
00:35:39She managed to get herself right in the middle of our big moment.
00:35:41How does she do that? It's like telepathy.
00:35:43I love you.
00:35:4520 minutes tops.
00:35:47Okay? Come here.
00:35:53Please tell me that you're not gonna do that
00:35:55for the next nine months.
00:35:57I might.
00:36:05Hey!
00:36:07We're having a baby.
00:36:09Yeah.
00:36:13Thank you.
00:36:21Hey!
00:36:23Hey!
00:36:27We need more of these fucking cowboys!
00:36:29Hey!
00:36:33It's my best friend and partner in crime!
00:36:35Hi, best friend!
00:36:37Hello, sweetheart.
00:36:39Who are your friends?
00:36:41I'm Jeremy, my new drinking buddy.
00:36:43Nice to meet you. Ron, Jeremy.
00:36:45Yeah, what do you fancy? A bit of black or a bit of white?
00:36:47Ah!
00:36:49All right. Back to the bar now!
00:36:51Oh!
00:36:53Right now!
00:36:55Don't just leave your ass,
00:36:57or I'll complain a bit.
00:36:59What the hell is wrong with you?
00:37:01Kit's worried sick.
00:37:03Oh, I'm in mourning.
00:37:05Who died?
00:37:07My tits.
00:37:09It's happening.
00:37:21I'm sorry.
00:37:25All right. I'm gonna go to the bar.
00:37:29To pay the tab, Sister Mary.
00:37:31Hi, Kit.
00:37:33Yeah.
00:37:35No, I've got her. Everything's fine.
00:37:41You okay, Millie?
00:37:43You knew my name!
00:37:45I make a point of learning all the names of my favorite customers.
00:37:49And it's on your credit card.
00:37:51Okay.
00:37:55Can I ask you something?
00:37:57Yeah.
00:37:59Can I ask you something?
00:38:01Yeah. Shoot.
00:38:07Are these breasts you want to touch?
00:38:13Yeah.
00:38:15Yes.
00:38:19That means a lot. Thank you.
00:38:21Anytime.
00:38:23Anytime?
00:38:25Yeah, anytime.
00:38:27That is the worst thing
00:38:29you have ever said to me!
00:38:35Hello?
00:38:37Last time I'm letting you drive my vehicle.
00:38:39God, I hate this car.
00:38:41Abrupt stop?
00:38:43I did it. I got you home.
00:38:45You are a terrible driver!
00:38:47This is a spaceship.
00:38:49I have always, always wanted to be wanted.
00:38:51Always needed to know.
00:38:53If I turn around on the street,
00:38:55someone
00:38:57will be looking at my arse.
00:38:59Well, you know they always are, honey.
00:39:01Oh my god, I am so famous!
00:39:03Millie, you know that.
00:39:05I know.
00:39:07I have spent so much money and time on me.
00:39:09And it looks good.
00:39:13I'm just, I'm so superficial.
00:39:15I am superficial.
00:39:17And I have a huge...
00:39:19ego.
00:39:21Oh my god.
00:39:23I know.
00:39:29But you know, I am going to look like a mutant.
00:39:37Who is going to give a shit
00:39:39about me then?
00:39:41Me.
00:39:43In you go.
00:39:45Get that hot ass in there.
00:39:47These cobblestones
00:39:49are the bane of my existence.
00:39:51How do those Italian bitches do it?
00:39:53Alright.
00:39:55I miss you already.
00:39:57I miss you already.
00:40:19Alright.
00:40:37Alright, my little angels.
00:40:39Dinner is ready.
00:40:41Fish and chips.
00:40:43From the chip shop?
00:40:45No, from the fish shop and the potato shop.
00:40:47Oh, well.
00:40:49I'm guessing you won't want seconds.
00:40:51Hello everyone.
00:40:53Oh, hello Miranda.
00:40:55Would you like some fish and chips?
00:40:57From the chip shop?
00:40:59No, they're homemade.
00:41:01Oh, boo.
00:41:03Boo!
00:41:05Thank you, everybody.
00:41:07Did you go shopping?
00:41:09One of the lovely costume girls from the show
00:41:11got me a discount.
00:41:13It's for Millie.
00:41:15A bra.
00:41:19Oh, wow.
00:41:21It has little cutlets.
00:41:23Just until they say that she's healthy enough for reconstruction.
00:41:25Fingers crossed.
00:41:29I think I'm going to pop upstairs.
00:41:31Good idea.
00:41:33Alright, you guys. Come on, let's eat.
00:41:35Come on, sit down.
00:41:37Auntie Jess?
00:41:39Is Mom dead?
00:41:41What?
00:41:43Is Mom dead?
00:41:45Honey, no.
00:41:47She's in the hospital.
00:41:49Well, when Ella's mom died,
00:41:51she got a scooter and a Nintendo.
00:41:53I want Mom to die so she can get a Nintendo.
00:41:55I don't think that's what he was saying.
00:41:57And actually, she's coming home tonight.
00:41:59Why would he say that?
00:42:01He didn't mean it. Don't throw things at him.
00:42:03Why would he say that?
00:42:05Honey, I want you to sit down.
00:42:07How about I go to the chip shop?
00:42:09Yes!
00:42:11Okay, I will.
00:42:13Great.
00:42:41The surgeon said it.
00:42:43It's a great success.
00:43:11Could you...?
00:43:13Yeah.
00:43:15Yeah.
00:43:41I can't do it.
00:43:45You don't have to show me.
00:43:47I want you to see.
00:43:53Okay.
00:44:11Okay.
00:44:27Jesus.
00:44:35Well?
00:44:37Come on, Franken-tits.
00:44:41I'll get you bandaged up.
00:45:07Here.
00:45:13Oh.
00:45:15Oh.
00:45:17What do you need?
00:45:19Oh, the serum.
00:45:21What's that?
00:45:23The green bottle.
00:45:25The expensive-looking one.
00:45:31A bit more.
00:45:33No, no.
00:45:35I need motion.
00:45:37I'm a facialist.
00:45:39Oh.
00:45:41Maybe I am.
00:45:43Sorry.
00:45:53Cheers, Jess.
00:45:59You're in good hands.
00:46:01Thank you.
00:46:04Hello.
00:46:06How is the patient?
00:46:08These drugs are so good.
00:46:13Would you mind holding my hand back?
00:46:15Don't.
00:46:17It's cold.
00:46:19Stop it.
00:46:23That's my...
00:46:25I always wanted to say that to you.
00:46:29Cheers.
00:46:31Cheers.
00:46:37I think you've got too many teeth.
00:46:41I think you do.
00:46:43How many teeth do you have?
00:47:01Oh.
00:47:03Oh.
00:47:13Jess, you should tell her.
00:47:15I know.
00:47:17I'm sorry.
00:47:19I just don't want to rub it in that my life is great right now.
00:47:21She'll resent you more if you don't tell her.
00:47:25I'm telling Kit.
00:47:27It's my news, too.
00:47:29Please, let me tell her in my own time.
00:47:31Fine, I won't.
00:47:33I'm not going to enjoy this bottle of beer, either.
00:47:35I wish it was a bottle of glue
00:47:37and it would keep your lips shut.
00:47:39That was horrible.
00:47:41I hate you right now.
00:47:43Yeah, I know you do.
00:47:45I'm raging with hormones. I want to rip your face off.
00:47:47Why don't you kiss my face off?
00:47:49All right, we've got to go.
00:47:51Come on.
00:47:53Oh, wow.
00:47:55Get everything?
00:47:57It doesn't make them bigger.
00:47:59Oh.
00:48:01Oh, yeah, do you want a hand?
00:48:11Do you want to say something?
00:48:15Well...
00:48:17No, it's not that.
00:48:23It's not...
00:48:27It's nothing to do with...
00:48:29Oh, idiot.
00:48:31Idiot, idiot.
00:48:57Wait for me.
00:49:01Wait for me.
00:49:07Wait for me.
00:49:11Wait for me.
00:49:17Wait for me.
00:49:27Wait for me.
00:49:37How are the breasts?
00:49:39Excuse me?
00:49:41Sorry.
00:49:43I just haven't seen them in a while.
00:49:45Oh, God.
00:49:47Yes, ace.
00:49:49Oh, wow, you remembered. I'm special.
00:49:51I was beginning to think you showed
00:49:53those bad boys to everybody.
00:49:55I'm not showing them to anyone anymore.
00:49:57That is a
00:49:59very great shame.
00:50:01I'll say. They're in a bin somewhere.
00:50:05Mastectomy. Double.
00:50:13Wow.
00:50:17So, uh, you're not...
00:50:19You're not working today, or...?
00:50:21No, I quit the bar.
00:50:23Got a better job.
00:50:25Where?
00:50:27Going up north to Yorkshire.
00:50:29Up in Yorkshire.
00:50:31I got family up there, so...
00:50:33Yeah, I don't know. It should be fun.
00:50:35I'm a traveling man, I guess.
00:50:37Yeah, I'll miss you.
00:50:41Do you want to get a coffee
00:50:43that isn't covered in pumpkin shit?
00:50:47You know what?
00:50:49I could murder a cold beer.
00:50:51Yeah, let's go get crazy.
00:50:53You want to go take a bite
00:50:55out of this world?
00:50:57What did you get for the...?
00:50:59You celebrate this?
00:51:01Look at this.
00:51:03You bought these for yourself, didn't you?
00:51:05Oh, you know me too well.
00:51:07Well, I go to the little boy's room,
00:51:09then I'll be surprised.
00:51:17Come here, I got a special micro brew to show you.
00:51:21It'll give us both
00:51:23something to find.
00:51:35Can't you do something that doesn't involve
00:51:37being out to sea for weeks and months
00:51:39at a time during 24-scale winds?
00:51:41For that kind of money,
00:51:43I could sell my kidneys.
00:51:45Maybe we could buy a car.
00:51:47And a whole new drill
00:51:49to put the baby in.
00:51:53You've already put your name
00:51:55on the roster.
00:52:01When do you go?
00:52:03I don't know.
00:52:05Depends on the weather.
00:52:07They'll wait till it gets really,
00:52:09really bad.
00:52:19Shit.
00:52:23About time, Millie.
00:52:25What? I emailed you.
00:52:27Jesus, who cares
00:52:29for my few minutes late?
00:52:31Uh, everyone?
00:52:33Surprise!
00:52:37Happy birthday!
00:52:39Happy birthday, Millie!
00:52:41Happy birthday, Millie!
00:52:43Happy birthday, Millie!
00:52:45Happy birthday, Millie!
00:52:47Happy birthday, Millie!
00:52:49So, here's his king,
00:52:51King George, and he likes things
00:52:53thick and he likes things round.
00:52:57Just so you know,
00:52:59I had no knowledge of this party.
00:53:01Kit did it all on his own,
00:53:03which is very nice, but don't be mad at me
00:53:05because I won't know anything.
00:53:07I've got some good ones.
00:53:09This is when they went to Ibiza,
00:53:11and you, well,
00:53:13you both were missing for two weeks.
00:53:15It was before cell phones.
00:53:17And this was when you went away,
00:53:19and the birthday girl...
00:53:21That was right after Millie ate
00:53:23organic mushrooms.
00:53:25Okay, that's enough of that.
00:53:27Cheese!
00:53:31So, thank you all for coming.
00:53:35Firstly, can I just make it clear
00:53:37that this is not my 40th.
00:53:39Okay, so thank you for the lavish party,
00:53:41but not quite the big 4-0 just yet.
00:53:43Thank you, Kira. I know everyone's enjoying
00:53:45eating this expensive meal
00:53:47and sucking on these chocolate balls
00:53:49whilst looking at my wig and looking
00:53:51for tit scars. No.
00:53:53And what else?
00:53:55Oh, yeah.
00:53:57I'm not dead yet, so let's drink to that.
00:53:59Not dead.
00:54:03What?
00:54:05What made you think
00:54:07I would want this?
00:54:09I don't know what you want.
00:54:11Cheers.
00:54:19Don't follow me like
00:54:21an old battersy dog.
00:54:23Excuse me.
00:54:25I've had enough of that.
00:54:29What? You spent most of your 20s
00:54:31face down in a vat full of Jack Daniels?
00:54:33Yeah, yeah, then I grew up.
00:54:35Millie, get back
00:54:37in the party.
00:54:39It's a shit party. I'm enjoying myself.
00:54:41Oh, well, that's good. That's important, because it's your night, isn't it?
00:54:43A little bit of limelight for the heroic spouse.
00:54:45Yeah, that's why I booked your
00:54:47favourite restaurant and paid for your inbred
00:54:49cousins to come all the way up here.
00:54:51Well, I'll reimburse you the 47.50 patron money for the counter back.
00:54:53Do you have no clue how long
00:54:55it took me to organise people that you care
00:54:57about to come all the way down here? No clue!
00:54:59Well, well done, you.
00:55:01Now you've got your database of when you arranged my funeral.
00:55:03Wait!
00:55:05Are you okay?
00:55:07No!
00:55:11Fuck, I don't know how you put up with it.
00:55:13Get off! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:55:17I'm sorry.
00:55:21I'm sorry.
00:55:25It's getting too much.
00:55:27I'm sorry.
00:55:29I'm sorry.
00:55:31It's too much.
00:55:35She's not one of my kids.
00:55:37It's all right.
00:55:39Come on inside.
00:55:45Has he not lived in me for the last ten years?
00:55:47I just wanted to spend an evening with the four of us.
00:55:51If another person looks at me with sad eyes
00:55:53and says, oh, you look so well, Millie,
00:55:55I am going to projectile vomit.
00:56:01Was I awful?
00:56:07No, driver, just go straight.
00:56:09Straight!
00:56:11Wait, this isn't the way home.
00:56:13We're not going home.
00:56:15Can you take us here, please?
00:56:17Hey, mind the...
00:56:19It's too far. No, no, no, no, no.
00:56:21You don't understand.
00:56:23I have a very healthy credit card
00:56:25and I am a massive tipper.
00:56:27Okay, okay.
00:56:29Let me see your phone.
00:56:31This is 250 miles away.
00:56:33You know what?
00:56:35Sir, you can just drop me off right here.
00:56:37Driver, do not stop. Keep driving.
00:56:39Just think of it as an adventure.
00:56:41We'll find a little place just for the two of us to stay.
00:56:43We're going to have crumpets by the fire.
00:56:45Come on. It's my birthday.
00:56:49Look, I'll make it with you.
00:56:51I will get you some clean clothes,
00:56:53some nice, clean underwear,
00:56:55because I know how fond you are of crusty gussets.
00:56:57I haven't eaten in this shit yet.
00:56:59Turn right here. There's a little shop here.
00:57:01All right, I'm going in.
00:57:03Some new niggas coming right up.
00:57:05I'll be back.
00:57:07Watch yourself going across the street, please.
00:57:15Jay, I know it's mental,
00:57:17but she's always wanted to see the moors,
00:57:19weathering heights.
00:57:21What is she, Cape fricking Bush?
00:57:23What are you saying?
00:57:25God, I have no idea.
00:57:27I can't take much more of this.
00:57:29Well, I'll tell her about the baby.
00:57:31Oh, that makes it all right, then.
00:57:33Jess, you don't have to
00:57:35indulge her every bonkers whim, you know.
00:57:37Try saying no to someone with cancer.
00:57:39She hasn't got cancer anymore.
00:57:41Well, now you're the expert.
00:57:43I'll call you later.
00:57:49No, my wife,
00:57:51she had it.
00:57:53I wish we had done
00:57:55something like this.
00:57:57It's good what you do for your friend.
00:57:59Ah, do you want to head a shop?
00:58:01Come on, quick.
00:58:03That was so much fun. It makes me feel so good.
00:58:05You smell like a brewery.
00:58:07You know what? I got us some vodka.
00:58:09Let's have a drink. What?
00:58:11All right, now, listen.
00:58:13I got us matching boots for our hearty hike.
00:58:15Oh, good. You got me a hat, too.
00:58:17Oh, so long, Big Ben.
00:58:19Did you get pajamas?
00:58:21Yes, I got some
00:58:23tantalizing titillating tingles from you.
00:58:25Oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:58:27Turn it off.
00:58:29Oh, life
00:58:31is bigger
00:58:33it's bigger
00:58:35than you
00:58:37and you are not me.
00:58:39We're getting out of
00:58:41London!
00:58:45We're going to the
00:58:47bar!
00:58:49Oh, no!
00:58:55Excuse me.
00:58:57What's your name?
00:58:59Achmed. Achmed?
00:59:11I'm so wet!
00:59:13Oh, my gosh!
00:59:15There they are!
00:59:17There's a sheep!
00:59:21Stop! Stop! Here we are!
00:59:23Achmed, stop!
00:59:25Let us out!
00:59:27Oh!
00:59:29Oh!
00:59:31My Heathcliff!
00:59:33Oh, God!
00:59:35It is unutterable.
00:59:37I cannot live without
00:59:39my life. I cannot
00:59:41live without my soul.
00:59:43I can't believe it!
00:59:45I can't believe we're here!
00:59:47Wait, I need one, too.
00:59:49That was just a dream.
00:59:51That was
00:59:53just a dream.
00:59:55That's me in the corner.
00:59:57That's me
00:59:59in the spotlight.
01:00:01Losing my
01:00:03religion.
01:00:05Trying
01:00:07to keep
01:00:09out of view.
01:00:11And I don't know if I can
01:00:13do it.
01:00:15Oh, no, I
01:00:17said too much.
01:00:19I haven't
01:00:21said enough.
01:00:23I thought
01:00:25that I heard you laughing.
01:00:27Achmed! Come and dance, Achmed!
01:00:29No, no, no.
01:00:31I don't dance.
01:00:33I think I
01:00:35saw you
01:00:37try.
01:00:39That
01:00:41was just
01:00:43a dream.
01:00:45Thank you, Achmed.
01:00:47You're a saint. Achmed!
01:00:49You are one sexy dancer.
01:00:51Take care, now.
01:00:53Drive safely!
01:00:55You've got
01:00:57the Emily suite. Top floor,
01:00:59view of the moors,
01:01:01four poster and gas effect fire.
01:01:03Ooh!
01:01:05And you've got the Brunwell room.
01:01:07Ground floor,
01:01:09shared toilet.
01:01:11Ooh! Can I go back
01:01:13to bed, now? Yes.
01:01:15Let's all go to bed.
01:01:17I mean, not together. Clearly.
01:01:19Thank you.
01:01:23You just scored the best pajamas
01:01:25I've ever worn in my life.
01:01:31Oh, God.
01:01:33I'm so exhausted.
01:01:35What can I do here?
01:01:37I need to get some sleep. No!
01:01:39You have to sleep in the Brunwell suite.
01:01:41I paid for it.
01:01:43Which one was Brunwell again?
01:01:45The big-nosed,
01:01:47unsuccessful, alcoholic, bronte brother.
01:01:49Oof.
01:01:51What a catch.
01:02:01Millie,
01:02:03I have to tell you something.
01:02:33Yes, hello.
01:02:39Yes, hello. I'm sorry to bother you.
01:02:41Um...
01:02:51You ordered something hot?
01:02:55Oh,
01:02:57a little pretty cat.
01:02:59I like your new job.
01:03:03Welcome to Yorkshire.
01:03:05Um...
01:03:09Please say you're not doing this
01:03:11because you feel sorry for me.
01:03:15Or because you're into amputees.
01:03:21For me, the ultimate turn-on
01:03:23would be if you had no limbs at all.
01:03:27Hmm.
01:03:29Okay. Wow.
01:03:31Can I just drag
01:03:33your little nubs in there, pull you out
01:03:35when I just want to have my way with you,
01:03:37and then just stick it back in?
01:03:39Yeah, I don't know. I could do that.
01:03:41Are you kidding me? Come on.
01:03:47You're fucking sexy.
01:03:51Simple as that.
01:03:53Shh.
01:03:55Shh.
01:03:57You're gonna wake my nan.
01:03:59It's a coronation.
01:04:05I'm gonna close your eyes.
01:04:09Close your eyes.
01:04:13Are they closed?
01:04:15Mm-hmm.
01:04:19Even your scars are beautiful.
01:04:21Thank you.
01:04:27I want to do stuff to you.
01:04:41I'll have the full English breakfast
01:04:43with tea and porridge.
01:04:45Someone's hungry.
01:04:47I'll have the toast with butter, too, please.
01:04:51Okay.
01:05:21Oh, shit.
01:05:51Shit.
01:06:17Jess?
01:06:21Jess?
01:06:27I had to see him.
01:06:29It was incredible, Jess.
01:06:31He thinks I'm sexy even without hair and boobs.
01:06:35I mean, you've done some crazy shit in the past,
01:06:37but this one takes the biscuit.
01:06:39You've got a husband.
01:06:41Or did that slip your mind?
01:06:43Kit can't look at me, let alone have sex with me.
01:06:45Then this is the perfect solution.
01:06:48Do you know
01:06:50how it felt to be touched again?
01:06:52Don't ask for my approval.
01:06:54Oh, I won't.
01:06:56This could blow your family apart.
01:06:58Have you not stopped to think about that?
01:07:00What do you know about holding a family together?
01:07:02Try coping with two kids
01:07:04when always at the back of your mind
01:07:06it's there.
01:07:08The fear.
01:07:10Don't get all profound on me.
01:07:12I don't know if you've noticed,
01:07:14but I have this annoying little disease.
01:07:17You're a freaking cancer bully.
01:07:19You bully everyone around you
01:07:21while we all try to deal with your life
01:07:23and take care of your crap.
01:07:25You're acting like a bloody teenager.
01:07:27I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted a medal.
01:07:29You're so selfish.
01:07:31I don't want to be near you.
01:07:33All right, well, have fun.
01:07:35Off you go, back to your cozy little houseboat
01:07:37where all you have to worry about is bringing in
01:07:39your tiny orange cushions when it rains.
01:07:47Oh!
01:07:49Oh, my God, Jessica.
01:07:51Oh!
01:07:57You were there when I pissed on the predictor stick.
01:08:00You were there when both my babies were born.
01:08:04You didn't tell me because you think
01:08:06it's just another thing I might not see, right?
01:08:08Because I'm never going to meet that person.
01:08:10Just say it.
01:08:12I want to go home.
01:08:14You want to go home now?
01:08:16It's funny, because for a minute I thought
01:08:18you were going to stay here and live in his attic.
01:08:20I came here because it might be my last chance
01:08:22to be seen for who I really am.
01:08:25Rose.
01:08:27No.
01:08:29You came here and made me drive 250 miles
01:08:31so that you could get laid by a barman.
01:08:34Oh, man, I'm not falling for it anymore.
01:08:38Just make your own way home.
01:08:40I will.
01:08:42Yeah.
01:08:44By the way, fix your wig.
01:08:46It looks like shit.
01:09:04Oh!
01:09:14Oh, my God.
01:09:33Oh, my God.
01:10:03Jess, it's me.
01:10:05Ring you for the hundredth time.
01:10:07Hey.
01:10:09Hey, baby.
01:10:14What's wrong?
01:10:16Wow.
01:10:18You all right?
01:10:20Um, I got hurt.
01:10:22Oh.
01:10:24What's the matter?
01:10:26I'm so sorry.
01:10:28I was selling them and I thought,
01:10:30I've got to get rid of these for Christmas,
01:10:32but it was 10% off.
01:10:34Mummy, where did you go?
01:10:36Mummy!
01:10:38Okay, back to your homework.
01:10:40It's a minor abruption of the placenta.
01:10:42I want to see you next week, okay?
01:10:52Thank you for my coconut bird feeder.
01:10:56What did Millie get you?
01:11:02I don't know.
01:11:20Okay, passport.
01:11:22Ticket.
01:11:24Picture of me.
01:11:32Happy New Year.
01:11:34Happy New Year.
01:11:38No more dramas, all right?
01:11:40I promise.
01:11:48This one's you, Mum.
01:11:50I'm going to give you some new bosoms.
01:11:52Oh, a bit bigger.
01:11:54It's a bit bigger.
01:11:56It's a bit bigger.
01:11:58It's a bit bigger.
01:12:00I'm going to give you some new bosoms.
01:12:02A bit bigger, please.
01:12:04Mum!
01:12:06When I get mine, they're going to be perfect.
01:12:08Any news on that?
01:12:12Now I'm going to make one of Jess'.
01:12:14I don't think there's enough cookie dough.
01:12:16Is she coming tonight?
01:12:18Yeah, she always comes New Year.
01:12:20Kids, I think Mummy's got a bit of a headache.
01:12:22No, I don't.
01:12:24Sweetie, it's just family tonight.
01:12:26But I want to tell her about my dance prize.
01:12:28Mum?
01:12:34Mum, where's Jess' number gone?
01:12:44Miranda!
01:12:46I brought you some rosehip tea.
01:12:48Thank you.
01:12:50Have a seat.
01:12:52Is everything all right down there,
01:12:54you poor thing?
01:12:56I had some problems.
01:12:58I'm sorry.
01:13:00Does Millie know?
01:13:02She won't talk to me.
01:13:06Everything I do is wrong.
01:13:08That's just the way she is.
01:13:10Perhaps she's punishing me
01:13:12for not being the kind of mother she needed.
01:13:16Feel free to contradict me.
01:13:18I wasn't really there, was I?
01:13:20Flying around the world, never at home.
01:13:22Two husbands,
01:13:24different boyfriends. Selfish.
01:13:26You had an exciting career.
01:13:28Yes.
01:13:30I can't have any drama
01:13:32in my life right now.
01:13:34And Millie is drama.
01:13:38Please, Jess.
01:13:40Help her to sort everything out.
01:13:42I know she's drama,
01:13:44but she's our Millie.
01:13:46So, Dr. B,
01:13:48can you give me some nice drugs
01:13:50for these annoying headaches?
01:13:52Millie.
01:13:56Don't give me that look.
01:13:58I know that look.
01:14:00The results of your MRI
01:14:02have confirmed our worst fears.
01:14:16I'm terribly sorry.
01:14:22Hello.
01:14:46I can't cheat.
01:15:16I can see it in your eyes
01:15:18So how you got it in your head
01:15:22That you could make it on your own
01:15:26You were sheltered, loved, and fed
01:15:28But you just couldn't
01:15:30leave it alone
01:15:32Leave it alone
01:15:34Leave it alone
01:15:38Leave it alone
01:15:42Leave it alone
01:15:44Leave it alone
01:15:48Leave it alone
01:15:52Leave it alone
01:15:54Leave it alone
01:15:58Your heart was here
01:16:02Resting on my lap
01:16:06And I'd do it all again
01:16:08But I'm never coming back
01:16:10But I'm never coming back
01:16:12Well, I know I'm lying
01:16:16Lying in the cold
01:16:20Yeah, there's no one
01:16:22But I look under myself
01:16:24I believe and I will grow
01:16:26I've been all around the world
01:16:30But I got nowhere to go
01:16:34I gave in to this lonely life
01:16:36And you can't change me
01:16:38So leave it alone
01:16:42Leave it alone
01:16:46Leave it alone
01:16:52Leave it alone
01:16:56Leave it alone
01:17:00Toilets for customers only!
01:17:08My god
01:17:10You look so different
01:17:14I am different
01:17:18Jess, I'm so sorry
01:17:28Again?
01:17:30Seriously?
01:17:39Metastatic brain tumours
01:17:41The consultant said he thought he could see some of them lurking behind my eyeballs
01:17:45Like oysters
01:17:47Raw, slimy oysters
01:17:50Delicious
01:17:52I'm legally blind, also
01:17:54Oh, is that why you're wearing those new accessories?
01:17:57How did you even get here?
01:17:59I drove
01:18:01Oh, great!
01:18:03Mr Magoo
01:18:05You do look a little Magoo-ish
01:18:12Why can't they just take the tumour out?
01:18:14They have to take my brain out
01:18:16Well, your tits, your brain
01:18:18Seriously, why can't you talk about radiotherapy or steroids?
01:18:22There's only so much they can do
01:18:26My body's kind of just giving up
01:18:28Thanks for bringing me back for the good bits
01:18:32Come here
01:18:39But your hair grew back so pretty
01:18:44What is happening with you?
01:18:46Oh, nothing much to say
01:18:48Oh no, don't you dare be the martyr
01:18:52He just told me you have brain cancer
01:18:54Excuse me for not bragging about my double hemorrhoids
01:18:57It's huge
01:18:59I have the ass of a baboon right now
01:19:01It's awful
01:19:03They gave me a pillow to sit in
01:19:05It looks like a...
01:19:06Donut
01:19:07Yeah
01:19:08Familiar
01:19:09Actually, things aren't brilliant with the baby
01:19:11Why, what happened?
01:19:13Well, I was running through the Yorkshire Moors and I had a fall
01:19:19I'm sorry
01:19:20Not allowed any more shocks
01:19:22Like your best friend is popping in to let you know she's going to croak
01:19:30How are things with Kit?
01:19:32Things with Kit?
01:19:34A mighty shit
01:19:38Make it right with him
01:19:48Hey baby, how you doing?
01:19:50How was the scan today?
01:19:52Guess what?
01:19:54Millie showed up
01:19:55What, on the scan?
01:19:57Spread
01:19:59She's so sick
01:20:01Please come home
01:20:03Hey sweetheart, it's not long now, okay?
01:20:06I miss you
01:20:07I miss you
01:20:09Hey, show me our bump
01:20:12That's our baby in there
01:20:16Jay?
01:20:19Jay?
01:20:21Damn it
01:20:27Come on
01:20:36I'm on the naughty step
01:20:40Are you ready to talk?
01:20:42I'm not a good person
01:20:46I've hurt you and...
01:20:49I have no excuse
01:20:52Do I know him?
01:20:54No
01:20:56When it's done, it's over with
01:20:58Yeah
01:20:59You know, I haven't been able to look you in the eyes since...
01:21:02Since you couldn't look at me at all
01:21:06I needed to be looked at
01:21:08I know
01:21:09Everything changed, I didn't know how to love you anymore
01:21:12God, I'm such an idiot
01:21:14I wasted time
01:21:16Our time
01:21:18I don't want to go
01:21:19I don't want to go without you
01:21:20I don't want to go without me
01:21:23Get upstairs
01:21:28Get your knickers off and get upstairs
01:21:30Now
01:21:47Is that girl or a boy?
01:21:49I can't tell anymore
01:21:50I know
01:21:51Is it allowed to have a moustache?
01:21:53Don't draw a moustache on her, we like her
01:21:55No we don't, we hate her
01:21:57She's got to be way older than me
01:21:59She was about 20 with that little nipple ring
01:22:03Jess, is it allowed not to have your age on your gravestone?
01:22:10I think you can do whatever you want under the circumstances
01:22:15Although I guess there is that tragic heroin mileage you can get out of people knowing you died so young
01:22:21Although not as young as you said you were
01:22:25It's a tough one
01:22:28I really want there to be a heaven
01:22:31Is that pathetic?
01:22:34Not pathetic
01:22:36Hypocritical maybe
01:22:39I really want there to be a white clouds and all heavens
01:22:44Think they'd let me in there?
01:22:45Not unless they've lowered the entry requirements
01:22:49I went to see a hospice today
01:22:53A hospice, why?
01:22:56For a luxury spa break, why do you think?
01:23:00No, if you go into a hospice you'll never come out
01:23:07You'll get used to it Jess
01:23:10I have
01:23:13When you were born my darling
01:23:15I lay quietly
01:23:17After you'd had your 23 stitches
01:23:19Yep, after that
01:23:21I looked at you and I knew I loved you more than anything else in the world
01:23:27More than Ben
01:23:29Well the same as Ben, though he didn't actually exist at that point
01:23:34I looked at you and I made you a promise
01:23:37I promised you I'd never leave you
01:23:40Jess
01:23:42I promised that no matter what happened
01:23:45I would always look after you
01:23:49But the thing is my darling
01:23:53I won't always be here to look after you
01:23:56Why not?
01:23:59Mummy isn't getting better anymore
01:24:02But I thought that was what the chemo was for and all the pills
01:24:05I thought it was all making you better
01:24:07It worked for a while honey
01:24:11But it stopped making me better
01:24:14So you're not going to die though are you?
01:24:19No, who's going to look after us?
01:24:21What about when I grow up?
01:24:23Well Daddy will be there
01:24:25Oh great
01:24:27Hey I know about girl things
01:24:29And you have Miranda and Jess too
01:24:31You might not die
01:24:34You just have to know my spirit will always be with you
01:24:38What are you talking about?
01:24:40What does that even mean?
01:24:53Did I do it right Mum?
01:24:55That's very good folding sweetheart
01:25:03Thank you
01:25:09You can't go to the hospital you bum head
01:25:23How is she?
01:25:26Spit out a bit of morphine
01:25:29How are the kids?
01:25:32Ben told his teacher to F off
01:25:36And Millie let Scarlet have her ears pierced
01:25:41Will you help Kit take the kids to New York for Christmas?
01:25:45God save me
01:25:47The ride from the airport is just sad
01:25:50It's beautiful
01:25:51People sit around in cafes criticising everything
01:25:54How are you?
01:25:55Well not thrilled
01:25:57I can't get any herbal tea here
01:25:59Give us five Mum
01:26:00Sure
01:26:01I'm going to go and get a cuppa
01:26:04Be in a bit
01:26:05Yes
01:26:08God bless her Jess she doesn't shut off
01:26:13Pass me that box
01:26:15I have something for you
01:26:23I can't help but notice that since you've been pregnant
01:26:26Your mother overdosed you on the Birkenstocks
01:26:30Well they're comfortable and completely on trend
01:26:33No Jess they're not
01:26:35They're revolting
01:26:38So I have these for you
01:26:43Oh my god
01:26:49Unworn
01:26:50I'm going to touch too surely for this place
01:26:57Wow you're really going aren't you?
01:27:00What else would I be giving you my best pair of shoes?
01:27:07I'm holding on
01:27:14Good
01:27:17Please don't let the kids forget me
01:27:20Tell them all the things we did
01:27:23Tell them all the things we did
01:27:27You're my expert witness
01:27:29Even the time you punched up the police officer and then threw up in a bin?
01:27:33Well I had it the student years
01:27:37Okay
01:27:40Never stopped telling them I loved them
01:27:48Alright put them on
01:27:53Oh yeah
01:27:57Yeah these feel right
01:27:59One of these a good seven inches?
01:28:01Just what every girl needs
01:28:03That's what she said
01:28:10Not so bad
01:28:16Do you always think of me when you wear the shoes?
01:28:20Both times
01:28:24Jago likes my Birkenstocks PS
01:28:26You are kidding yourself
01:28:28Okay
01:28:58Come home please come home
01:29:00Oh god
01:29:23Pick up pick up
01:29:28Pick up
01:29:41The baby's coming
01:29:44Jessie
01:29:45Mills help
01:29:47Oh no I'll be there I'll be there
01:29:49Don't panic I'm coming
01:29:53Get my shoes
01:29:55The baby's coming I have to go
01:29:57You can't go you should manage
01:29:59She's got midwife
01:30:01Don't touch the morphine
01:30:03Shush
01:30:05Fine I'll get a nurse who can shush you
01:30:19I have to be there
01:30:24Sod it I'll get you in the wheelchair
01:30:27Okay
01:30:30Okay honey let me get you
01:30:32Okay up we go up up
01:30:34Okay
01:30:36Pick up the shoe click the shoe
01:30:38Don't worry about the boots we'll put them on in the taxi
01:30:40Okay got your glasses
01:30:42Okay your phone
01:30:44Okay we'll take those
01:30:46Okay we're off baby
01:30:48Just wait here
01:30:52Mum
01:30:58Mum
01:31:04Is everything alright doctor
01:31:06Yes this patient has acute suphalgia
01:31:08And requires oxygenation
01:31:10Ten long years on a hospital set
01:31:12I knew it would come in handy
01:31:18Give us a bloody hand
01:31:20Okay missus
01:31:22I'm sure you need an ambulance
01:31:24No but you will if you don't get across London in under twenty minutes
01:31:26Get cocked and move on
01:31:28Let's go
01:31:30Still got it mum
01:31:38I won't Millie
01:31:40Breathe
01:31:42Do you go away
01:31:44Please call immediately
01:31:46Do you go away
01:31:48Call 4457
01:31:56Can you speed it up a bit
01:31:58I'm doing my best this is London
01:32:00I know
01:32:06Get me the bloody morphine
01:32:08Do you have satellite navigation
01:32:10Or do you have GPS or what do you have
01:32:12I know I'm being a back seat driver
01:32:14Sorry
01:32:16You turn left here
01:32:18You know what I should have called an Uber
01:32:20There they are
01:32:22Trying to get some sleep here mate
01:32:24I'm trying to watch my wife have a baby mate
01:32:26What now
01:32:28There it is
01:32:30There's the hospital coming up
01:32:32How much is it
01:32:34I haven't got anything
01:32:36Me neither
01:32:38Oh come on
01:32:40I think this is it
01:32:42Well done
01:32:44Come sit
01:32:52You can have that baby now
01:32:56I'm glad you're here
01:33:00How could you not tell me this was this painful
01:33:02Where's your badge
01:33:04I'm not a doctor
01:33:06It's a long story
01:33:08I'm her mother
01:33:10How did you do this twice
01:33:12I don't know
01:33:16Try the ruler up on the bed
01:33:18Stop rubbing my shoulders
01:33:20I need a knife
01:33:22I just want to cut the baby out
01:33:24She's usually very sweet
01:33:26No I'm not I'm an evil bitch
01:33:28And that's why God is hurting me like this
01:33:30I can't do it
01:33:32I can't
01:33:34I thought I could I can't
01:33:36I know right now it feels like you're shitting out a piner
01:33:38I know that
01:33:40This is the hardest thing you will ever do so keep pushing
01:33:42Keep pushing
01:33:44I know you can do it
01:33:46Okay
01:33:48Okay
01:33:50Good
01:33:54You got anything Jago
01:33:56Nothing
01:33:58That's it
01:34:00That's it
01:34:04It's Jago
01:34:06How do I use it
01:34:08Miranda
01:34:10Jago
01:34:12Hi
01:34:14That's not my wife mate
01:34:16Hey Miranda
01:34:18Yes yes I will
01:34:20You evil bastard
01:34:22How can you not be here right now
01:34:24I know I know baby
01:34:26I'm so sorry I wish I was there I really do
01:34:28I really want to be with you
01:34:30She's nearly there
01:34:32Miranda put the camera down the business end
01:34:34I want to see my baby being born
01:34:36Are you sure
01:34:38Yeah yeah do it
01:34:40I guess I've done worse things
01:34:42That's it that's alright
01:34:44Baby's coming
01:34:46Here we go
01:34:48Go on baby
01:34:50You're almost there
01:34:52Okay okay
01:34:54Push
01:34:56Keep going
01:34:58That's it
01:35:00Push
01:35:02Push
01:35:04Yeah yeah
01:35:06It's coming
01:35:08It's coming
01:35:10It's a baby
01:35:12Yay
01:35:14I love you Jess
01:35:16Hey
01:35:18What is this the boy or a girl
01:35:20Is that beautiful
01:35:22Baby
01:35:24Oh shit
01:35:26Hey
01:35:32Can you get me the towel please
01:35:56Let me take a picture for the father
01:35:58Smile for daddy
01:36:02Lovely
01:36:26Hey
01:36:32Oh wow
01:36:38He's amazing
01:36:40Isn't he beautiful
01:36:42Look at him
01:36:56Sigh
01:37:16Mum pink like
01:37:18Pink mum pink
01:37:20Like pink mum
01:37:22Pink
01:37:24Hey
01:37:26Can't tell if he's good or bad
01:37:28Okay let's do the same this way
01:37:50Good job
01:37:54What
01:38:04What are you saying
01:38:10Vodka tonic
01:38:16You want a vodka tonic now
01:38:18Hey
01:38:22I'm pretty old right
01:38:26From the bar upstairs
01:38:48I love you
01:38:54I love you
01:39:18I love you
01:39:48I love you
01:40:18I love you
01:40:20I love you
01:40:22I love you
01:40:24I love you
01:40:26I love you
01:40:38He did it now
01:40:48No.
01:40:49No.
01:40:56I love you, sir.
01:41:04I love you so much.
01:41:08I'm sorry.
01:41:39♪♪
01:41:49♪♪
01:41:54Perfect.
01:41:55Okay, that's great.
01:41:56Okay, guys, lunch.
01:41:58It's ready.
01:41:59Yay!
01:42:00Thank you!
01:42:02Thank you.
01:42:05Before she died,
01:42:07Millie made Kit promise that he would remarry
01:42:11after a required period of deep and inconsolable mourning.
01:42:16Obviously, I was at the top of the list.
01:42:22Yay!
01:42:25Obviously, that was never going to happen.
01:42:30Yeah, this one came about in the more pleasurable method.
01:42:36Shakespeare's Shags was a huge hit for Miranda,
01:42:40and even her love life got a third act.
01:42:45I'm happy for them.
01:42:47For me, it's different.
01:42:49I've tried a couple of new best friends.
01:42:52I even bought a puppy.
01:42:55But Millie would be delighted to know
01:42:57that I'm finding it impossible to replace her.
01:43:02♪♪
01:43:10Well, almost.
01:43:14♪♪