The Boondocks Riley's Funny Moments, Season 3

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Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Describe Riley Freeman in one word.
00:04I'd say real nigger.
00:06Real nigger is two words.
00:08I know it's two words, nigger. Real niggers don't follow instructions.
00:11This is Robert Freeman's other grandson, Riley.
00:14He's empowered by the prospect of a black president, but not in the way society would hope or expect.
00:20If my nigger Obama gets up in there, I'm gonna act a fool.
00:24I ain't doing no more homework, nothing. We taking over.
00:27Come on, what's the cop gonna do to me?
00:29I'ma be like, don't make me call the president, bitch.
00:32And the cops, he gonna be like, oh, snap.
00:34Riley a real nigger. The president's a real nigger.
00:37We can't do nothing.
00:39I can't wait.
00:42I'm voting for Obama because he's gonna lower my taxes.
00:45Actually, he has promised to raise taxes at your income level.
00:49Well, I also support Obama because he's against corporate bailouts.
00:53That is also not true.
00:56I'm supporting Obama because he's black.
01:00And he's gonna get the troops out of Afghanistan, right?
01:03Also wrong.
01:04Then what the fuck that nigger gonna do?
01:06It is finally election night. Robert Freeman is throwing a party.
01:11Well, it's been a long black struggle, and I felt me and Brock deserved a party.
01:16All around the room, I see black faces beaming with elation.
01:20It is as though each of them has been elected president.
01:24So I'm thinking that this is gonna be my new look.
01:26Oh, that's the way to go.
01:28I mean, I feel like it's more grown up, you know, like having tighter clothes is definitely gonna make people take me more seriously.
01:33Yo, yo, yo, yo. I heard the presidential limo is gonna be like a crazy pimped out Cadillac now with rims and like machine guns and lasers.
01:41Excuse me. I'd like to propose a toast.
01:44Now, I'd just like to say that today is a very special day for me.
01:48I hope you all enjoyed the cheese, wine and freedom I have struggled so hard to provide tonight.
01:55And because of my pain and suffering, the black struggle is officially over.
02:00No longer can it keep us down. No longer can we be silent.
02:04Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
02:06And now we have the returns from the West Coast coming in.
02:09OK. And so, yes, folks, we are calling it.
02:12Barack Hussein Obama will be the next president of the United States.
02:17Obama, Obama, Obama.
02:30It is days before inauguration and Obama mania is at a fever pitch.
02:35I return to Woodcrest to check on the Freeman's.
02:40I don't necessarily think of myself as a hero.
02:43Uh, and when people always ask me if I want a medal or a monument or a statue in my honor, I say no!
02:47Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
02:49All I want to do is be there in person.
02:51On that glorious day when the first black president take the oath.
02:54I just want to stand in the crowd somewhere in the front.
02:57Maybe in the VIP section.
02:58Maybe next to Beyonce.
02:59Are you aware that some people are paying as much as $50,000 for VIP inauguration tickets?
03:05Well, I don't think you can put a price on decades of struggle.
03:08Obama walked up and said, yes we can.
03:12Yes, can you tell the president-elect it's civil rights legend Robert Freeman.
03:16F-R-E-E-M-A-N.
03:19Who struggled to open the door for him to be president.
03:21You got all that?
03:23Right.
03:24So tell him I'm calling again about those tickets.
03:26Again.
03:27Hey granddad, this was at the door.
03:30Office of the president-elect.
03:33Mr. Freeman, please find and close two VIP tickets to the inauguration.
03:37As well as the inaugural ball with Beyonce.
03:39As a small token of gratitude for all the sacrifices you've made on behalf of me.
03:44And this great country.
03:45I look forward to sharing this historic day with you.
03:48Sincerely, president-elect Barack Obama.
03:54What's going on?
03:55I'm going to the inauguration.
03:56You want to come?
03:57Yeah, boy.
03:59And just like that, virtually foaming at the mouth with unbridled excitement.
04:03Robert and Riley leave for the inauguration.
04:08The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit.
04:14To choose our better history.
04:16To carry forward-
04:16Wait a minute.
04:17Don't say that.
04:17Wait a minute.
04:18Get back.
04:19Get off me, man.
04:20Please.
04:21I have VIP tickets.
04:22We all got VIP tickets.
04:25Hey.
04:25Get your hands off me.
04:27All right, you in trouble now.
04:29I'm calling my nigga Obese.
04:32Please don't tase me.
04:33Don't tase me, bro.
04:34I'm an old man.
04:35I got a heart condition.
04:38You can't do this to me.
04:39I'm a civil rights legend.
04:49Barack Obama?
04:51I just found out that fool is going to raise my taxes.
04:53His promises are just like his tickets.
04:55Worthless.
04:55Good thing I didn't vote for his lying ass.
04:57Obama ain't no real nigga.
04:59And check this out.
05:00I heard he worked for the feds.
05:02That ain't a good look, Barack.
05:04You ever think you're too old to do some of that stuff you do?
05:06Why can't I be a sex symbol?
05:07Why can't I be a heartthrob?
05:09I say do it before it's too late.
05:11And it's going to be too late real soon.
05:13So, uh, yeah.
05:14Hurry up.
05:15Thank you, Riley.
05:16I'm going to really let him have it.
05:17Show him my stuff.
05:18Give that man everything I got.
05:20Pause.
05:21Pause?
05:22Pause what?
05:23You said something gay.
05:24So you got to say no homo.
05:25Or else you's a homo.
05:26What did I say gay?
05:27You said you was going to give this dude everything you got.
05:29No homo.
05:30That's not gay.
05:31I said I was going to give the man everything I got.
05:32Pause, granddad.
05:33If it sound gay, it's gay.
05:35And you got to say no homo.
05:36How I know you not a homo, granddad, if you don't say no homo?
05:39I'm not saying no homo.
05:40OK.
05:41You want to be a homo.
05:42Stop calling your granddaddy a homo.
05:43Then say no homo.
05:44I don't want to say no homo.
05:45I'm going to homo your ass if you don't stop saying pause.
05:48Pause.
05:51Thanks for agreeing to watch the boys tonight.
05:53No problem, Robert.
05:54I mean, this is your big break.
05:55So what is he like?
05:56Who?
05:57Winston?
05:58Uh, nice guy.
05:59Down to earth.
06:00Nothing strange or freaky or bizarre about him at all.
06:02Nope.
06:03Nothing out of the ordinary.
06:05I just think he's the best.
06:07That's what people need more of, positive entertainment.
06:10Without all the cursing and people saying the N-word all the time.
06:14Hey, are there going to be some steamy scenes to look forward to, huh?
06:18Who's the lucky leading lady?
06:19Uh, actually, um, they haven't cast her yet.
06:22Probably, uh, Sanaa, Latham, maybe Halle Berry.
06:25You know, somebody hot.
06:26Man, stop lying.
06:27Granddad's leading lady is a dude.
06:29What?
06:30Shut up, boy.
06:30You don't know nothing.
06:31We read the script, granddad.
06:32How dare you read that script?
06:33That's top secret.
06:34It was really, really terrible, by the way.
06:36Don't front, granddad.
06:38You playing a dude's boyfriend.
06:40It's that Winston Jerome guy in a dress, huh?
06:42You mean Ma Dukes?
06:44You're playing Ma Dukes' boyfriend?
06:46There are no love scenes.
06:47Granddad's going to need to have no homo tattooed on his forehead after this.
06:50There are no love scenes.
06:51Boy, you have to do this.
06:52Ed Wunschler asked for you by name.
06:54It's because of him I quit the game in the first place and gave Jennifer Herman a permanent
06:58severe limb.
06:58Look, nobody needs to be reminded of that tragic day when you gave that girl a permanent
07:02severe limb.
07:03It was the junior league championship against Wunschler's team, and Ed had paid off the
07:07ref.
07:07And, oh, you guys were losing bad.
07:09It was a blowout.
07:10They were calling him the Tiger Woods of kickball before the wife cheating thing.
07:14Now they just call him loser.
07:17Dewey, you suck!
07:19You suck!
07:19Then the crowd starts laughing at you, and we all know you don't like to be laughed at.
07:26And you snapped.
07:27You went crazy.
07:29Oh, Freeman has hit her with the mitt.
07:32Oh, the horror.
07:34And believe me, folks, this was no accident.
07:37He meant to do that.
07:38If that girl is still alive, she will undoubtedly have a permanent and severe limb.
07:44One thing is certain.
07:45She will never play kickball again, and neither should Dewey Freeman.
07:51Well, too bad.
07:52Ed Wunschler owns everything, including the bank that owns this house.
07:54He just got $20 billion in bailout money, and I'm trying to be his best friend.
07:58If Ed wants to tell me to jump, I'm going to say, how high, and throw your ass in the
08:01air.
08:02I'm not going to play.
08:04Okay, fine.
08:05If you don't want to play, you don't want to play.
08:07Ed, here he is as promised.
08:09Now get over here, boy.
08:11Good job, Robert.
08:12I'll remember this when I do my Christmas yacht shopping.
08:16Yeah, boy.
08:17Well, team captain, you've got two days to assemble a new team.
08:22Team captain?
08:23Yep, new team.
08:24No problem, Mr. Wunschler.
08:25We're on it.
08:32Who the fuck are you?
08:34I am Jigme.
08:34I come from Tibet.
08:35I want to defeat the Chinese oppressors in kickball.
08:38Why?
08:39I hate fucking Chinese!
08:42I'd like a word with you in private.
08:46This team is pathetic.
08:48They don't stand a chance against the Chinese.
08:51Not one single goddamn shot in hell.
08:54It'll be an embarrassment they'll never, ever live down for the rest of their miserable
08:58lives until they die.
09:00You know what one of these balls can do to a human body?
09:03They'll get torn to pieces, ripped to shreds.
09:06Some may even lose control of their bowels.
09:09By the third inning, they'll be pissing and shitting on themselves right in front of their
09:13friends and loved ones.
09:14It's going to be flat out fucking terrible.
09:17We must find some better athletes.
09:20This is what you got.
09:21Play kickball!
09:25Huey Freeman on the mat.
09:26There is a lot of excitement about this young man's return to the sport of kickball.
09:31Little Ming Do steps up to the plate.
09:33What a treat to see these two titans of the game face off against one another.
09:37Let's go, Huey!
09:38Show him what's good, Huey!
09:42Huey looks absolutely determined out there, folks.
09:44No!
09:47And goodbye!
09:48And that one is out of here.
09:50Not a good start for Freeman.
09:52You suck, Huey!
09:53You worthless motherfucker!
09:55Next kicker is Lily Chang, a 73-year-old retired farm worker with diabetes.
09:59Folks, she's experiencing complete kidney failure.
10:02Hasn't peed in three years.
10:03This might just be the warm-up that Freeman needs.
10:06And here's the piss!
10:12Holy mother!
10:17Next up is Riley Freeman.
10:20Wait a minute.
10:20Hold on.
10:21What's this?
10:22Oh, my!
10:23His first time at the plate, and he's calling a home run!
10:28And Ming let's go with a fireball run!
10:30He's got it!
10:37Good grief.
10:39Listen, I don't care if the refs are cheating.
10:42We cannot lose this game.
10:43The stakes are too high.
10:45Well, who bet the whole town on a kickball game?
10:47Okay, maybe it was a wrong decision to bet all of our economic futures on a kickball game.
10:52But we're Americans.
10:53We don't quit just because we're wrong.
10:56We just keep doing the wrong thing until it turns out right!
10:59This is stupid.
11:00I'm going home.
11:01What about them, Huey?
11:03Your teammates?
11:04You got them into this.
11:05Now you're turning your back on them?
11:07You got to make the motherfuckers pay.
11:09Come on, Huey.
11:09I don't want to play no more neither, but we can't go out like a bunch of little bitches.
11:13Granddad?
11:14I'm trying to save my house and my big titty boy!
11:17It's up to you, Huey.
11:19The sooner you stop holding back and decide to play like a winner, the sooner we can all go home.
11:26Damn, what now?
11:31What up, little man?
11:32What up?
11:32You bring that extra controller?
11:33Yep.
11:33That's what's up.
11:34Come on in, nigga.
11:37Hey, man.
11:38Apologize to your granddad for me about that little mix-up earlier.
11:41I've been waiting to get rid of that piece of shit car anyway.
11:43You know, because I called him, right?
11:44And I was like, look, y'all need to come get this motherfucker out of here, all right?
11:47Because I don't want this piece of shit no more.
11:48I'm about to cop the new shit, nigga.
11:50You know what I mean?
11:51Oh, okay.
11:52So everything's okay.
11:54Okay?
11:55Nigga, everything is better than okay.
11:57It's thugnificent.
11:58You just wait to see the moves your boy's making.
12:00You know what I'm saying?
12:02Uh, let's just turn the game on.
12:04Oh, yo!
12:06It's Sergeant Gutter.
12:07Turn it up, man.
12:08Turn it up.
12:08Oh, man.
12:09Not this motherfucker again.
12:10I swear to God every time I turn the TV on, I see this nigga.
12:13So is this it?
12:19Is this what the kids like?
12:20This was hot in the streets, Riley?
12:22Well, he sold over a million records.
12:24And he do have the number one song in the country.
12:26And he got a dance.
12:29Is that what it takes for a nigga to go platinum nowadays?
12:31A dance?
12:32Man, anybody can make up a dance.
12:37Man, you look crazy.
12:39You ain't gotta make up no dance just because he got one.
12:42I ain't gonna lie, though.
12:44I kind of mess with it.
12:46I mean, but your stuff is good, too.
12:48Man, you just wait till my new album drops.
12:50All y'all niggas gonna see I still got the game on smash.
12:53Hey, you want to hear some tracks?
13:02Wow, so you doing the robot effects on your voice?
13:06Yes, that auto-tuner, son.
13:08It lets you sing even if you can't sing.
13:13Wow, so you used it on this one, too?
13:18Yep, every song on the whole CD.
13:21Hot, right?
13:23Yeah.
13:25OK, we're back.
13:26This is DJ Vlad.
13:28And I told you, we have a very, very special guest in the studio this morning.
13:31This man right here is a legend in the game.
13:33A pioneer, if you will.
13:35Give him respect.
13:35Thug-nificent!
13:37What up, everybody?
13:38Man, what an honor.
13:39How are you, man?
13:40Who, me?
13:41Oh, you know, I'm Thug-nificent.
13:44What's it like for you older cats now in the game in terms of, you know,
13:47where you fit in musically?
13:48I mean, what was it like when you were at your peak, so to speak, which was so long ago?
13:52I'm saying, I mean, my first joint only came out like four years ago.
13:55You know that, right?
13:56I know.
13:57Seems like 40, doesn't it?
13:59Now, the new CD drops next week, right?
14:01No doubt, no doubt.
14:02The CD is crazy.
14:04It's on fire.
14:05It's got something for everybody, you know what I'm saying?
14:07It's got joints for the streets.
14:08It's got joints for the ladies.
14:09It's got joints for the ladies in the streets.
14:12The CD is called Mo' Bitches Mo' Problems, you know what I'm saying?
14:14So go cop that.
14:15Shout out to B.I.G.
14:16Real hip-hop, you feel me?
14:17B.I.G.
14:19Woo!
14:19Talk about old school.
14:21All right, so Thug-nificent, who are you feeling out there in the game right now?
14:24What are you banging in your trunk right now?
14:25Okay, okay.
14:26You know, I'm definitely feeling a lot of cats in the game right now.
14:28You know what I'm saying?
14:29I'm feeling my main man, Young Kyle Tipper, Jock Daddy Pimp, Little Hobnobber, Google
14:33the Bone Mouth, Little Rich, S. Biden Rose.
14:35I'm feeling Willie Whistleworth C.
14:36My main man, Trick Money Smitty.
14:38Little Fanta putting in his work.
14:39Look out for his mixtape.
14:40Uh, Pewboy Pimp, Nasty Murder Trey, Eppis Green, Little Big Dollar Snowbunny Samson.
14:44Um, I'm feeling a lot of cats right now.
14:45You know what I'm saying?
14:46A lot of people doing their thing.
14:47Now, what about Sergeant Gutter?
14:51Man.
14:52Fuck Sergeant Gutter.
14:53That nigga can eat a dick.
14:54Oh!
14:57Hold on, hold on.
14:57Everyone quiet down, quiet down.
14:59Wow.
14:59I just want to make sure I heard you correctly.
15:01I said fuck that nigga.
15:03I ain't really the type of nigga to be, you know, all on the radio, running his mouth,
15:06starving beef and all that.
15:07You know what I'm saying?
15:08But I'm just saying that shit sound like some bullshit.
15:12And that retarded dance, man.
15:13See, that's what you get when you let 13-year-olds rap.
15:16How old, how old is that nigga?
15:17That nigga 15 years old, dog.
15:19Yo, well, he sound like he 15 months old.
15:21That nigga sound like he got a nipple in his mouth.
15:23Hey, Sergeant Gutter, I got an idea.
15:25Why don't you take your mama's motherfucking titty out your mouth so you can rap, nigga?
15:33The Gnificent CD dropped the next week.
15:36Sound scans say he ain't so shit.
15:39The Gnificent was all fucked up.
15:48Well, why ain't I getting no spins?
15:50No, no, no.
15:51It's your job to make sure it gets played on the radio, not say what?
15:55You want to drop me?
15:56You want to drop Dog Gnificent?
15:57Hello?
16:00Damn, damn, damn.
16:03Um, Thug Gnificent, this might be a bad time, but Sergeant Gutter just posted a response
16:10to you on YouTube.
16:12Hey, dog.
16:13First off, I want to say that I'm a huge fan of Thug Gnificent.
16:16I grew up listening to Thug Gnificent.
16:17Matter of fact, I'd even go ahead as far to say that I love this nigga, no homo.
16:21He was one of the real niggas that made me want to do this shit.
16:24But fuck this old ass nigga, man.
16:27This old nigga is old enough to be my dad, and he telling me to eat a dick?
16:31Nigga, what's wrong with you?
16:33You a grown ass man, and you telling a 15-year-old to eat a dick?
16:36I know your mother raised you better than that, dog.
16:39Matter of fact...
16:42Excuse me, is this Ms. Jankis?
16:43Yes, it is.
16:44My name is Sergeant Gutter.
16:46Now, I don't know if you're aware, but your son said some very rude things about me on
16:49the radio.
16:50Yes, I know.
16:51He said some very rude things.
16:52He's too old to be acting like that, and I know I don't like him using that language
16:56either.
16:57You know, I wasn't talking about...
16:58That was your mama, nigga.
17:00Yo mama, roll your old ass up, nigga.
17:02I hope you go broke, you feel me?
17:04I hope that the IRS is on their way over right now to take your shit, nigga.
17:14I believe this is the gentleman you're looking for.
17:17Otis Jenkins, we're here from the Internal Revenue Service.
17:21Toodles.
17:23Damn, damn, damn!
17:27Boy, what on earth are you doing?
17:28You trying to get yourself killed?
17:30I don't know what to do.
17:31Well, get a job!
17:32I tried that.
17:32Well, try again!
17:34You don't understand, pops.
17:35I always wanted to do this rap thing, and then, you know, by some miracle, I actually
17:39pulled it off.
17:40I just thought...
17:41I just thought it would last longer.
17:42It ain't over, Thugnificent.
17:44I believe in you.
17:45You like, a musical genius, like, like, like Ray Charles, but without the piano skills
17:50or the ability to sing or compose music.
17:53Look, man, I can't do this no more.
17:55Thanks, old man.
17:57I know I told you to eat a lot of dicks, but you all right with me.
18:00Son of a bitch!
18:15Wait, I know this song.
18:30What's good, little homie?
18:31Look, I get off at 5, I can come through, we can ghost ride the company whip.
18:35How you like the new job?
18:36Aw, man, it's some old bullshit, but check it, check it, check it.
18:39Your boy is shooting his own reality show.
18:41What?
18:42Yeah, nigga, you on it right now.
18:43Yo, what up, what up, what up?
18:44Young Reezy, aka the fundraiser, nigga.
18:45Lethal interjection, bitch.
18:46Yeah, man.
18:47All the paper is in reality shows right now, nigga.
18:54The music industry's dead.
18:55I'm trying to get that Flavor Flav money, you know what I'm saying?
18:57That's who I'm looking at right now.
18:58Wow, that sounds like a real good plan, Thugnificent.
19:01Hey, your granddaddy home?
19:02Hey, wake up, old nigga.
19:03Just wanted to let you know, until we get this reality show money, your boy Thugnificent
19:04is going to be right here, handling all your overnight shipping needs.
19:05You smell me?
19:06So ask yourself, what can all this brown Thugnificent do for you, nigga?
19:07Nigga, will you shut the hell up?
19:08Some of us pay our taxes, Mr. Punk-ass-nificent.
19:09I'm never playing kickball again.
19:10Man, I'm about to go look.
19:11Come on, guys.
19:12You know the rules.
19:13I'm sorry.
19:14Look, I don't know who that fake-ass granddaddy is over there, but we got to find out what's
19:15going on.
19:16Maybe he's on drugs.
19:17You guys are overreacting.
19:18Your granddad just wants a little privacy to release his creative juices, and that's
19:19what he's doing right now.
19:20You know what I'm saying?
19:21I don't know who that fake-ass granddaddy is over there, but we got to find out what's
19:22going on.
19:23Man, I'm about to go look.
19:24Come on, guys.
19:25You know the rules.
19:26Robert said no going back home during bongo time.
19:27I'm sorry.
19:28Look, I don't know who that fake-ass granddaddy is over there, but we got to find out what's
19:29going on.
19:30Maybe he's on drugs.
19:31You guys are overreacting.
19:32Your granddad just wants a little privacy to release his creative juices, and that's
19:33what he's doing right now.
19:34Man, I'm about to go look.
19:35Come on, guys.
19:36Look, I don't know who that fake-ass granddaddy is over there, but we got to find out what's
19:37going on.
19:38Maybe he's on drugs.
19:39You guys are overreacting.
19:40Your granddad just wants a little privacy to release his creative juices, and that's what
19:41he's doing right now.
19:42Man, I'm about to go look.
19:43Come on, guys.
19:44Look, I don't know who that fake-ass granddaddy is over there, but we got to find out what's
19:45going on.
19:46Maybe he's on drugs.
19:47You guys are overreacting.
19:48Your granddad just wants a little privacy to release his creative juices, and that's
19:49what he's doing right now.
19:51What's going on?
19:52Ah, s***.
19:53It's the cops.
19:54Wait, Riley.
19:55Wait.
19:56Revolution is all over the world.
19:57Yes, it is.
19:58Boom, bam, boom, bam.
19:59Revolution!
20:00Boom, bop, boom, bop, bop, bop.
20:01Boom, boom, boom, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,
20:02bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,
20:03bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop
20:34Smoke it! Smoke it!
20:38Boys, can you ever forgive me?
20:40I don't think it's a big deal, really.
20:42No, Huey, it's a very big deal. That's why drugs are so dangerous.
20:45Then you get addicted and it destroys your life and the lives of those around you.
20:49You start playing the bongos really loud and then you turn all Bobby and Whitney on us.
20:53I've learned my lesson. I'm never, ever, ever gonna smoke weed again.
20:57Hey, there's Big Bobby. I got something special for you today.
21:06Ooh, lay it on me, man. They call it Skywalker.
21:13Granddad, I know you're still smoking.
21:15What are you talking about?
21:16Huey, I told you that was a terrible mistake I made and I'm never, ever gonna do it again.
21:21I know when you find something you like, you tend to go overboard, so just be very careful.
21:26Like I said, I have no idea what you're talking about.
21:30Toodles.
21:39You're addicted, boss!
21:43Uh-oh.
21:50Sir, can you tell me why you're driving so slow in the fast lane?
21:53Oh, no reason. I guess I just wasn't in that much of a rush.
21:57I didn't know you could get a speeding ticket for going too slow, Officer Douche.
22:02That's Officer Douche.
22:10Something funny?
22:11No, sir, Officer Douche.
22:16Why were you driving so slow in the fast lane?
22:19Oh, just having a pleasant drive on a nice summer's eve, douche.
22:26Will you step out of the car, sir?
22:28Okay, the defendant is charged with suspicion of driving under the influence of marijuana,
22:33as well as possession of a mostly smoked marijuana cigarette.
22:36So, how does the defendant plead?
22:38Robert, I want you to plead guilty.
22:39No way.
22:40Go ahead.
22:41It's just a first offense.
22:43Obama, fix it up for everybody.
22:44What are you talking about?
22:45What are you talking about, Robert?
22:47That's why I voted for Obama.
22:48We can legalize weed.
22:48That's what we need.
22:49But Tom, what happens if he goes to jail?
22:51It's just a first offense.
22:52Everybody can go to jail.
22:53You're not sure about that.
22:54I ain't going in no foster care.
22:56No one's going to foster care.
22:57No one's going to foster care.
22:58Everyone, could you please just shut up?
23:00Settle down, please.
23:02Your Honor, I would like to plead not guilty on the grounds that Obama legalized weed.
23:07Did he?
23:07Because I think I would have heard about that.
23:10I'm pretty sure he did, Your Honor.
23:11Who told you that?
23:12Thug Nificent.
23:13The rapper?
23:14Yes, Your Honor.
23:14Are you sure he's the guy to listen to about legal matters?
23:17What does your lawyer say?
23:18He looks pretty smart.
23:19I said, uh, no, Your Honor.
23:22But Thug Nificent sounded pretty sure.
23:24Huh.
23:25Well, he's pretty sure.
23:26You know, I'm also pretty sure.
23:27But hey, we can look it up if you want.
23:29No big deal.
23:30Yes, please.
23:34Nope, nope.
23:34Sorry about that, man.
23:35Look at this.
23:35Wikipedia says weed is still illegal.
23:38Really?
23:38Yeah.
23:39Wait, oh, look at that.
23:40That's interesting.
23:41Says here that several states have legalized medicinal cannabis.
23:44See?
23:45Unfortunately, this state ain't one of them.
23:47So, you know.
23:47Oh.
23:48So I guess your choices are to move to California, smoke all you want.
23:51Or, you know, just stay here and stop smoking.
23:53Or you can keep smoking and go to jail.
23:55But that'd be kind of silly, don't you think?
23:58Greg got raided!
23:59Look, look, look, look!
24:00They're taking the champagne!
24:01And the citrus buds!
24:02And the fresh mature!
24:03And the early misty!
24:04And the god bud!
24:05And the ice marijuana!
24:07And the island lady!
24:08And the gush!
24:09But I'm not gonna let them get away with this.
24:10I say we fight back.
24:11It's time for civil disobedience.
24:13It's time for action!
24:13Man, you do what you want.
24:14I'm gonna go back to work and cry.
24:23What is this really gonna accomplish?
24:27What happened to you, Huey?
24:28I thought you believed in the revolution.
24:30I thought you were a freedom fighter.
24:31Grandad, you're not gonna end prohibition by getting arrested.
24:34Well, what if me and Rosa Parks had said that on that bus in Montgomery?
24:36What if me and Martin Luther King said that in Selma?
24:39What if me and Nelson Mandela said that during Apartheid?
24:41When were you arrested in South Africa?
24:43Never mind that.
24:43Point is, you sold out.
24:44I think we should just move to L.A.
24:46I'm gonna be the first nigga to be a blood and a crip.
24:49Grandad, nobody solves problems by going to jail anymore.
24:52Fine, what do you suggest?
24:53Look, if it's really that important to you, maybe we should just move to California.
24:58Then I'm gonna start in my own movie about the first nigga to be both a blood and a crip.
25:02I'm gonna play me.
25:03But I'm not leaving my home.
25:04I paid good money for this house.
25:05And now it ain't worth shit, so we're staying put.
25:07Then I'm gonna run up on the Fresh Prince kid and show him who the real Karate Kid is.
25:11They ain't even paying a nigga.
25:13So what's more important, we or us?
25:15We.
25:18Man, he didn't even think about it.
25:21We are here to demand the liberation of our brother, Grant,
25:23from the deep, dark dungeons of tyranny.
25:25This man was a peaceful man.
25:27He was a grower.
25:27He was a healer.
25:28And he gave me really good weed at very reasonable prices.
25:31Grandad, stop snitching.
25:33We won't let you push us around.
25:35We have the right to pursue happiness.
25:37And this is happiness.
25:37And I shall pursue it happily.
25:44Wait, does anyone have the lights?
25:46Robert.
25:47Robert?
25:48Grant?
25:48But I thought you were in jail.
25:49Yeah, I posted bail.
25:50What are you doing here?
25:51So you're free?
25:52Yeah.
25:53Well, I got six months probation.
25:54Can't smoke.
25:55But weed's not worth my freedom.
25:56What are you doing out here?
25:58Wait, wait.
25:59I changed my mind.
26:00No, wait.
26:00Sir, I'm placing you under arrest for disturbing the peace and-
26:03Hey, wait, Robert.
26:03Hey, wait in office, sir.
26:05Come on.
26:05You don't understand.
26:06I changed my mind.
26:07Forget all that stuff I said.
26:08I'll take it back.
26:09Do over.
26:09I'm a Republican, Democrat, Conservative.
26:14Aw, dude, I am so bummed to see you here again.
26:17Your Honor, I plead not guilty on the grounds
26:19I wouldn't have had to do a smoking protest
26:20if you all had just let me have my weed in the first place.
26:22This is silly.
26:23I'm an old man.
26:24I fought for my country.
26:25I earned the right to smoke weed.
26:28But I admit that I probably went too far.
26:30So I guess maybe I am guilty.
26:32Granddad, stop snitching.
26:35Anyway, I learned my lesson.
26:37And I decided if you let me go,
26:39I'm going to move to California
26:40so as to be in compliance with the law.
26:41What?
26:42All right!
26:44Really, Granddad?
26:45Yeah, yeah.
26:46I wanted it to be a surprise.
26:47OK, Mr. Freeman, you got yourself a deal.
26:51I'll agree to no jail time,
26:52and you are free to go to California.
26:56Immediately after serving three weeks of house arrest,
26:58followed by two years probation with mandatory drug testing,
27:01and then we'll throw in some community service just for fun.
27:06Hi, my name is Robert Freeman.
27:07Recently, I started smoking pot.
27:09Marijuana didn't make me happier.
27:11It didn't make me cool.
27:12It didn't do anything except almost cost me
27:14my family and my freedom.
27:16So if you want to be like me, a loser,
27:18go ahead and smoke.
27:24That was crazy.
27:25Granddad, you make weed look so uncool.
27:28I don't think I'm ever going to smoke.
27:31Yeah, I think I'm going to go take a stroll around the block.
27:34Because I can.
27:35Want me to get you anything while I'm out, Granddad?
27:38Yeah, bring me a brand new belt with a big spiked buckle
27:41so I can whip your little smart behind.
27:43Well, for what it's worth,
27:44it's not too terrible having the old Granddad back.
27:47Yeah, well, it's worth nothing, but thank you.
27:57Oh, hell no.
27:59What y'all want, niggas?
28:00Hurry up.
28:01I ain't got all day.
28:02We're looking for a place called Woodcrest.
28:04Is this it?
28:05Maybe.
28:05Look, you want gas or not?
28:07We're looking for a man.
28:08Oh, yeah, I bet you are.
28:10You're looking for the number man, or the weed man,
28:13or the welfare man.
28:14No, the man I'm looking for is named Freeman.
28:17Robert Freeman.
28:18Oh, hell no.
28:19I knew it.
28:20You related to Robert Freeman.
28:22So you know him?
28:23Yeah, I know him.
28:24But Woodcrest don't need no more colors.
28:26We got our color photo field.
28:28So y'all can just get to stepping and getting that piece of shit car,
28:31turning around and headed back up the road, crusty cocoon.
28:34Why don't you just tell me where Robert is
28:36before I put fire across your lip, you big black dummy?
28:41Yeah, start talking, you one-eyed, bitch-eyed fool.
28:44Hey, we ain't got all night, Buffalo butt.
28:47I ain't scared of y'all, the crappy Negroes.
28:49Come on.
28:55Yo, turn on the news.
28:58The attack happened yesterday at this gas station
29:00just outside of Woodcrest.
29:01The victim, a Mr. Uncle Ruckus, no relation, have this to say.
29:05Lord, that was three of them.
29:07Two black nigga man and one black nigga woman.
29:10Oh, they each had big black lips, big black nostrils,
29:13and a big black attitude problem.
29:15Police have released this composite sketch of the attackers
29:19based on the victim's description.
29:20Yo, how you get beat up by a gang of old people?
29:25That's odd.
29:26I ain't seen nothing that bad since Granddad got beat up by Stink Meaner.
29:30Hey.
29:31It's all right, Granddad.
29:32I'd probably kill a nigga too if they embarrassed me like that.
29:35I'd kill the man to self-defense.
29:36In defense of your ego, maybe.
29:38Well, tough tits head for him.
29:40He's dead and I'm going fishing.
29:53Excusez-moi.
29:55We here for Huey and Riley Freeman.
29:59Huey Freeman, please report to the front office.
30:06You know what's going on?
30:07They said our aunt and uncle came to pick us up.
30:09Aunt and uncle?
30:11Man, something's not right.
30:12Come on, let's go.
30:17Just how far away is their classroom?
30:20The moon?
30:21They should have been here by now.
30:22You know, kids always lollygagging.
30:24It'll just be a second.
30:25Can I offer you some water?
30:28Yo, where we going?
30:30I don't know, but we getting out of here.
30:38Well, well, well.
30:41We came a long way to kill y'all little nigglets.
30:44Now it's time for the big bonanza.
30:49You know what this is, suckers.
30:53Pretty.
30:55Yo, you see these two old-ass niggas?
30:59Come on.
31:00Yo, why we running?
31:04Damn, them old niggas can jump.
31:07Yo, you see these two old-ass niggas?
31:09Come on.
31:21Motherfucking ass, I just sold something.
31:24Who you think you fucking with?
31:37Fishin', fishin', I'm baitin' this hook, gonna catch me some fish today.
31:47Good mornin'!
31:48Crabbin', huh?
31:49How's it goin'?
31:50Oh, I think I might catch me a few more today.
31:53Fascinating creature, the crab.
31:55Got that hard exterior, but he ain't really dangerous, except to another crab.
32:00Dumb as all hell.
32:03Can't even walk straight.
32:04Matter of fact, the only thing a crab is good for is holdin' back other crabs.
32:09A crab don't wanna see another crab makin'.
32:12Yeah, uh, I guess.
32:15Crab is like, if I'm gonna die, we all gonna die.
32:19I admire that.
32:22We all gotta die sometimes.
32:24Might as well help each other get there.
32:26I mean, that's what you did to Stink Miner.
32:29Isn't that right, Robert Freeman?
32:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:38no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:39no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:40no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:42no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:45no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:46no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:47no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
32:48no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
33:19Oh, this is terrible. What did I do to deserve this?
33:22Uh, you killed a nigga?
33:24What that got to do with anything?
33:25Eventually, they're going to find out where we live.
33:27Man, I say we go out there and ride on these fools.
33:30Yes, let's kill them before they kill us. That's a plan that can't go wrong.
33:34What if it doesn't end there, Granddad? This could go on forever.
33:37I'm telling you, Granddad, I know exactly how to handle this.
33:40They want to go to war, I'll take them niggas to war.
33:44What's up, nigga?
33:46Hey, stop. That ain't fair.
33:52Hey, stop. Stop.
33:57Okay, that didn't work.
33:59Well, at least you tried. Some people think we should just sit here and wait to be killed. Shoot.
34:03We need protection.
34:06Uh, how was your flight, uh, Mr. Brown? First class was comfortable, I hope.
34:10Your time is running out. What's the job?
34:12There's some people out to get us. We need protection around the clock.
34:15Man, I work for people with real money. Judging from this place, y'all can't even afford Bushido Brown.
34:21We'll pay whatever it costs. How much it gonna cost?
34:24How much is your life worth?
34:25No, see, I'm asking you how much your bodyguard services are gonna cost.
34:28And I'm asking you how much your life is worth, Jack.
34:31This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it.
34:34If I was you, I'd take it.
34:37Okay, fine. Damn it.
34:43Ah, yes. The legendary Bushido Brown. The greatest black karate man to ever live.
34:50That's Grand Master Bushido Brown.
34:52Of course it is.
34:58Come on, boy. Come on. I ain't scared of you.
35:01Come on, boy. Come on. I ain't scared of you.
35:05Oh, like that, eh?
35:08Ow!
35:29Come on over here, nigga, and fight me.
35:31Come on, fight like a man, you little punk bitch.
35:34I'll mess your ass up.
35:36Oh, my leg!
35:49Yes!
35:53Get up.
36:02Bushido.
36:03Ow.
36:04Make your money.
36:08I hate this.
36:35A dynamite.
36:38It is a beautiful day to fuck shit up.
36:46Oh, shit.
36:51Now what are we gonna do?
36:52Aw, man. We gonna die now.
36:54This is all your fault, Granddad.
36:57Wait. This doesn't have to end this way.
36:59Stinkmeaner's death was a huge mistake, but killing us isn't gonna bring him back.
37:03He's right. Look, what happened with Stinkmeaner, it shouldn't have happened, okay?
37:08I admit it. I was embarrassed because I got beat up by an old man.
37:11I was ashamed. I could have walked away from it then, but I didn't.
37:15I didn't mean to kill him. It just happened.
37:18It's my fault. I'm sorry.
37:20There. I've said it. I'm sorry.
37:24It was wrong, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't.
37:27So please, please, can we just end this?
37:33Man, we don't give a fuck about no Stinkmeaner.
37:36What?
37:37Just because he was our nigga doesn't mean we gave a shit about his ass.
37:40We don't need no reason to fuck shit up.
37:43That's why we drink Hennessy.
37:45That's why we smoke menthols.
37:47That's why we's niggas.
37:49We likes to ruin shit.
37:51Hell, y'all just gave us an excuse.
37:53If it wasn't you, we'd probably just pick someone at random and ruin their life.
37:57Huh?
37:58Oh, come on.
38:00Well, now what?
38:01Now you die.
38:07Ooh, the police. Thank God for the police.
38:10I mean, uh, who snitched? Who called the po-po?
38:15All right, you three are under arrest for the murder of Bushido Brown.
38:18Thank you, officer. Thank you.
38:20I can't believe somebody snitched. That's gay.
38:22These three won't be bothering you anymore.
38:24Now, why do you think they were after you guys specifically?
38:26It was a nigga moment.
38:28Oh, of course. A nigga moment.
38:30Well, there's only one way to end a nigga moment for good.
38:33Jail.
38:34Jail?
38:35Jail.
38:36That makes sense. Jail.
38:38Isn't that great, Huey? Jail.
38:40Of course. Oh, thank God for jail.
38:42Glad we could help.
38:44And that's the moral of the story.
38:46Some niggas just need to go to jail.
38:49I might be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga.
38:56I can't believe somebody snitched.
38:58Niggas is out here like running bosses.
39:01Y'all can get off my property now.
39:03And make sure you clean this headless dickhead off my yard.
39:05And get that ass-squirting toilet out of my house, too.