In this British comedy, a professor travels up river in Africa to open schools. But his new pupils are not receptive and when the commander of the local base succumbs to malaria, he takes on his duties too. Aided by the crew of the boat he arrived on he starts collecting taxes from the locals!
Source: IMDB
Source: IMDB
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Short filmTranscript
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00:08:08Excuse me. What does that mean?
00:08:11Oh, that? That's the Teaching and Welfare Institution for the Reformation of Pagans.
00:08:15I see. A new order, isn't it?
00:08:17Oh, certainly not. No, no. It's a very, very old society.
00:08:19Why, we've got members all over the world.
00:08:21Of course, the majority of them are only honorary members.
00:08:23Oh, I say, this case goes with my luggage.
00:08:25But I'm a life member, yes. I'm a proper twerp.
00:08:29Well, good day.
00:08:30Good day.
00:08:39Get out of the water!
00:08:41Sit!
00:08:43No, out!
00:08:45Please, sit! Out!
00:08:57Well, what's the matter with you?
00:09:02Well, so long, Hamilton.
00:09:05Goodbye, sir. Give my regards to Piccadilly.
00:09:11No, out!
00:09:13Where at?
00:09:14Once east.
00:09:15Step forward, march!
00:09:17Forward!
00:09:20Left turn!
00:09:22Right face!
00:09:23Quick march!
00:09:26Oh, I was just admiring your soldiers.
00:09:28How do you do?
00:09:29How do you do? Professor Sivitz?
00:09:31Yes, that's right. Mr. Saunders?
00:09:32No, Commissioner Saunders has gone on leave.
00:09:34I'm Hamilton.
00:09:35If you'll come along with me, I'll show you to her quarters.
00:09:37Oh, thanks.
00:09:38Oh, I'd better ship out my luggage first.
00:09:40Oh, don't bother about that. I'll send the boys out.
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00:13:45Now, we'll start with the alphabet.
00:13:50Now, the first letter of the alphabet is A.
00:13:54Uh, you. Now, what is the first letter of the alphabet?
00:13:57What is the alphabet?
00:13:59Well, uh, well, the alphabet is just, um...
00:14:02Well, it's a row of letters, you see. It's a...
00:14:04It's the thing that A is the first letter of.
00:14:06It's a word, really. I'll write it down for you.
00:14:09A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
00:14:14There you are.
00:14:15Now, the first letter of the alphabet is A.
00:14:17Have you got that?
00:14:18Yes.
00:14:19Good.
00:14:20Now, the second letter of the alphabet is B.
00:14:27Served you jolly well right.
00:14:28Let that be a lesson in...
00:14:30Oh, oh, oh, good morning.
00:14:32Uh, and you'd better come round the side.
00:14:33You'll be able to see better.
00:14:38And don't want any more injustice from you, either.
00:14:39Because if I do have any, I...
00:14:44Oh, very funny. Very funny.
00:14:47I suppose you're laughing at me, are you?
00:14:49Well, let me tell you, if I come out there,
00:14:50you're all going to laugh at the other side of your face.
00:14:51Yeah, and I'll tell you...
00:14:53Oh, well, uh, I'll tell you some other time.
00:14:55Would you like to come inside?
00:15:02Well, uh, we'll take numerals.
00:15:05Can you tell me how many fingers I have in both my hands?
00:15:07Polowanka.
00:15:08No, no, I said on both hands.
00:15:10Polowanka.
00:15:11Oh, well, all right.
00:15:12Then how many have I got on one hand?
00:15:13Polowanka.
00:15:14Polowanka.
00:15:22Oh, all right.
00:15:23Don't be long.
00:15:29Now, as I was saying, we'll take, uh, we'll take numerals.
00:15:32One, two, three, four.
00:15:35Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
00:15:38So you know the numerals, eh?
00:15:40Yes.
00:15:41Well, uh, where did you learn them?
00:15:43Machinery class.
00:15:44Machinery, eh?
00:15:45Well, how far did he take you?
00:15:46Compound multiplication.
00:15:48What?
00:15:49Compound multiplication.
00:15:50Compound multiplication?
00:15:52Oh, did he?
00:15:53Oh, well, I think that's far enough for one term.
00:15:55Uh, we'll take geography.
00:15:57Now, uh, the shape of the world is...
00:15:59Round.
00:16:00I know.
00:16:01I know.
00:16:02I'm teaching you.
00:16:03You're not teaching me.
00:16:04You keep quiet.
00:16:05Now, see, the shape of the world is round.
00:16:08And it revolves on its axis, which is, uh, kept at the North Pole.
00:16:12There.
00:16:13Now, these are the parallels of latitude, which go this way.
00:16:18And these are the, the, uh, the, uh, the lines of, uh, uh, well, those are the ones that
00:16:25go the other way.
00:16:26Now, we will concentrate on, uh, this hemisphere.
00:16:32Hey, what do you think you're playing at?
00:16:34Darts.
00:16:35Well, see, this is not a dartboard.
00:16:37It's a geography lesson.
00:16:38Sit down.
00:16:39How dare you?
00:16:40This is the world.
00:16:41And these, these, uh, are the parallels of latitude, which, which go this way.
00:16:44And, uh, the other lines are the, uh, the, the, the...
00:16:47Well, in any case, you can't start till you get a double.
00:16:52Good.
00:16:53I'll leave you 2.99 to go.
00:16:58So that's why my Hussars were late on parade.
00:17:00Yes, Lord.
00:17:02Yeah, but these things have been known for years.
00:17:03Why do you fear them now?
00:17:04Lord, we fear them not because we knew them not.
00:17:08Oh, I'm sorry.
00:17:09I thought you were alone.
00:17:10Oh, that's quite all right, Professor.
00:17:11Do come in.
00:17:12I, I want to talk to you.
00:17:13Come and sit down.
00:17:14Dismiss these things from your mind, and Lord Tiberius will teach your children other things.
00:17:18All right, Sergeant.
00:17:20Anything wrong?
00:17:21No, no.
00:17:22Nothing serious, but...
00:17:23I, I wish in future that when you're teaching the native children that you'd,
00:17:26you'd leave out references to the sun, the moon, and the stars.
00:17:29What, no astronomy?
00:17:30Yes, well, I'd have to take you too literally.
00:17:32You know, you told them the earth revolves from west to east.
00:17:34Well, so it does.
00:17:35Yes, I know, but, but, but look at the result.
00:17:38This morning, my Hussars stopped in their barracks waiting for the parade ground to come round to them.
00:17:44That's ridiculous, isn't it?
00:17:47That's ridiculous, isn't it?
00:17:49Why, their barracks are in the west.
00:17:51Yes, well, remember what you teach the kids.
00:17:53Yes.
00:17:54What about you?
00:17:55I think I'm in for a dose of fever.
00:17:57Can I get you an aspirin?
00:17:58No, I think I'll go to bed for a couple of days and let it take its course.
00:18:01Yes, I should.
00:18:02Don't you worry.
00:18:03Everything will be all right.
00:18:04I'll take over your duties.
00:18:05Oh, no, no.
00:18:06You look after your school and leave my duties alone.
00:18:07And remember, in the future, no astronomy.
00:18:13Good heavens.
00:18:17Hey.
00:18:18Sergeant, colonel, somebody.
00:18:20Come here, quick, come here.
00:18:21Captain Hamilton's fainted.
00:18:22Do something.
00:18:23Get somebody, quick.
00:18:24Get the district nurse.
00:18:25What is this?
00:18:26Why, he's fainted, can't you see?
00:18:27Cerebral coma caused by climatic influence.
00:18:30What?
00:18:31Oh, is that what it is?
00:18:32Oh.
00:18:33Do something else.
00:18:34Say, get in the doctor.
00:18:36There is no doctor, no.
00:18:38But patients susceptible to treatment.
00:18:41Previous experience stimulate confidence.
00:18:44Oh, I see.
00:18:45He's had it before.
00:18:46Yes, Lord.
00:18:47All white men get it frequently.
00:18:48Oh, really?
00:18:49Eh?
00:18:50Now.
00:18:55Lord, circumstance is unfortunate.
00:18:59Circumstance?
00:19:00What are you talking about?
00:19:01Sandy and Wayne and Melentina have an indisposition.
00:19:04We are a sheep with no shepherd.
00:19:06Well, it'll get better, won't it?
00:19:07Yes, Lord.
00:19:08But no convalescence may be expected until tomorrow.
00:19:10And tomorrow, and tomorrow.
00:19:12Did you leave any instruction?
00:19:15Yes, yes.
00:19:16He told me to carry on.
00:19:17You, Lord?
00:19:18Yes, well, I don't suppose there's much to do.
00:19:20You look after the soldiers, and I'll be here when I'm wanted.
00:19:23But, Lord, inexperience prohibits knowledge of routine.
00:19:26Oh, no, no.
00:19:27I'll soon pick it up.
00:19:28Besides, there are plenty of rubber stamps here.
00:19:29But, Lord.
00:19:30Don't make any arguments.
00:19:31Now, you go and tell all your sheep that I'm the new shepherd.
00:19:34Yes, Lord.
00:19:37And in future, I shall inspect the troops.
00:19:40Yes, Lord.
00:19:41Aye.
00:19:42And don't let me catch any of them laughing.
00:20:13Oh.
00:20:15Oh.
00:20:16Ahem.
00:20:18Abibu!
00:20:23Yes, Lord?
00:20:24Oh, uh, Abibu.
00:20:25There's a note here in Commissioner Sander's diary
00:20:27about some, uh, some taxes that have got to be collected.
00:20:29Has that been done?
00:20:30No, Lord.
00:20:31We were awaiting the revisitation of the most unreliable riverboat.
00:20:34Oh, no, no.
00:20:35We can't wait for that.
00:20:36So, uh, where's the boat here?
00:20:37Unfortunately, caused by a mechanical failure.
00:20:40Unfortunately, caused by a mechanical breakdown.
00:20:42Oh, no, no, no.
00:20:43That's a lot of nonsense.
00:20:44I mean, that's the trouble with this place.
00:20:45There's too much, uh, superfluity of departmental procrastination.
00:20:47Oh, I mean, you've got me talking like you now.
00:20:49Listen, it says those taxes have got to be collected this month.
00:20:51You'd better get me a canoe.
00:20:52Canoe, Lord?
00:20:53But this is an inadequate vehicle for a helicopter station.
00:20:56I don't want any argument.
00:20:57It says those taxes have got to be collected,
00:20:58and I'm going to do it today.
00:20:59You get me a canoe,
00:21:00and if anybody asks me where I've gone,
00:21:01well, uh, tell them I've gone for a row.
00:21:10Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer.
00:21:15Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer, Buccaneer.
00:21:18Now, isn't there anything we can do about these flies?
00:21:20Lord, this is nothing.
00:21:22Wait until the sun sets.
00:21:24Sunset?
00:21:25I mean, you mean tell me we're going to be in this, uh,
00:21:27this coracle at sunset?
00:21:28You will not reach the first village until tomorrow,
00:21:31and then a day.
00:21:32Tomorrow, and then a day?
00:21:33Now, how long is this river?
00:21:35Lord, it stretches across Africa.
00:21:37Across Africa?
00:21:38Well, we ought to be in Australia by now.
00:21:40Now, if this fellow's sunk here, let's unpaddle more.
00:21:42We'll get somewhere.
00:21:46In, out.
00:21:48In, out.
00:21:50In, out.
00:21:52In, out.
00:21:54In, out.
00:21:56In, out.
00:21:57In, out.
00:21:59Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:22:03Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:22:07Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:22:10Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:22:14Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:22:17Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...
00:22:24Good heavens, look!
00:22:26I didn't know there ran pleasure trips on this river.
00:22:28That, lord, is Sandy's ship, the Zare.
00:22:30Oh, the most unreliable riverboat, eh?
00:22:32Well, tell them to stop.
00:22:33You want them to stop, Lord?
00:22:34Yes, yes.
00:22:35Come on, do something, quick.
00:22:36Go on.
00:22:37Pull the rope.
00:22:38Hey, hey.
00:22:43Hey, what are they doing with this canoe?
00:22:44Look where we are.
00:22:45They'll run us down.
00:22:46No, Lord.
00:22:47They will stop.
00:22:48Yeah.
00:22:49Woo-hoo.
00:22:50Woo-hoo.
00:22:56Hey, you there.
00:22:57Play something.
00:23:02Not that, you idiot.
00:23:03Sound the retreat.
00:23:04Hey, hey.
00:23:05Be careful.
00:23:06What are you doing?
00:23:07Hey, look out.
00:23:08Look out.
00:23:09Hey, hey.
00:23:13I'm sure they're going to report them to somebody or other.
00:23:16Hey.
00:23:17Hey.
00:23:18Backpedal.
00:23:19Backpedal.
00:23:20What do you think you're doing up there?
00:23:21Hey.
00:23:22Hey.
00:23:23Hey, ship ahoy.
00:23:24Ship ahoy, I say.
00:23:25Somebody?
00:23:26Where are you?
00:23:27That's noise out there.
00:23:28Hey, what?
00:23:29What do you want?
00:23:30Are you the captain of this ship?
00:23:31No.
00:23:32Hey, no you don't.
00:23:33I want to see the captain.
00:23:34Well, you can't.
00:23:35He's asleep.
00:23:36Hey, wait a minute.
00:23:37Well, who's steering the ship?
00:23:38He is.
00:23:39Hey, hey.
00:23:40How many of you steer the ship if he's asleep?
00:23:41I say, come out of there.
00:23:42Well, I can see you.
00:23:43It's like poking a cuckoo clock.
00:23:44There's people like this to make this river
00:23:46unsafe for white men to row on.
00:23:49Well, what do you want?
00:23:50I want to come aboard.
00:23:51What for?
00:23:52Never mind what for.
00:23:53Come on, throw me a rope.
00:23:54Hey, I'll catch you.
00:23:56Hey, what's the matter with that?
00:23:57I don't want all the rope.
00:23:58I only want one end of it.
00:23:59Well, don't shout at me.
00:24:00Cut off what you want and throw the rest back.
00:24:02Well, catch this.
00:24:03Go on.
00:24:04Tie it onto something.
00:24:05Not me.
00:24:06Why not?
00:24:07I'm off duty.
00:24:08Here.
00:24:09Off duty?
00:24:10Would you ever do anything like that?
00:24:11Off duty?
00:24:12Come on, give me a bunker.
00:24:13Yes, Lord.
00:24:19Well, what do you want me to do with the rope?
00:24:21You can coil it up a little bit.
00:24:22Yes, Lord.
00:24:23Well, what do you want me to do with the rope?
00:24:24You can coil it up as far as I'm concerned.
00:24:26And what are you doing up the river anyway?
00:24:27You should have been back days ago.
00:24:28It just fitted a new bigot.
00:24:29We're running it in.
00:24:30Running it in?
00:24:31Yeah, nearly running it into worse.
00:24:32All right, all right.
00:24:33It's not my watch.
00:24:34Well, whose watch is it?
00:24:35The captain's.
00:24:36Well, what does he think he's doing?
00:24:37I told you, he's sleeping.
00:24:38Well, go down and wake him up.
00:24:39He isn't down.
00:24:40He's up on the bridge.
00:24:41Yeah, well, I don't care where he is.
00:24:42I'll go and talk to him.
00:24:43Oh, no, you don't.
00:24:44It's really the house regulations.
00:24:45You mustn't talk to a man at the wheel.
00:24:46Well, what does he expect me to do?
00:24:47Send him a postcard?
00:24:48All right, I'll see if he'll see you.
00:24:49Hey.
00:24:50There's a bloke down here who wants to see you.
00:24:51What kind of a bloke?
00:24:52Well, he's, uh, well, I'll tell you now.
00:24:53He's listening.
00:24:54Well, tell him I'm busy.
00:24:55He's busy.
00:24:56Oh, well, let me talk to him.
00:24:57All right.
00:25:10Well, I'm sorry.
00:25:11I've got to go.
00:25:12I'm sorry.
00:25:13I'm sorry.
00:25:14I'm sorry.
00:25:15Hello!
00:25:16Are you the captain?
00:25:17Yes.
00:25:18Who are you?
00:25:19Well, I represent the commissioner.
00:25:20My name is Pippets.
00:25:21Pippets?
00:25:22Go on.
00:25:23Any relation to Bones?
00:25:24Yes, I'm his uncle.
00:25:25Don't interrupt me when I'm on the phone.
00:25:26Hello?
00:25:27Hello?
00:25:28No, we're talking into that.
00:25:29He's not there now.
00:25:30Well, where's he gone?
00:25:31Up here.
00:25:32Well, I can see that, you old fool.
00:25:33I don't want to talk to you.
00:25:34I want to talk to the captain.
00:25:35Well, I am the captain.
00:25:36Yeah, well, I don't care who you are.
00:25:37Well, what?
00:25:38You're the captain.
00:25:39Which means you're the fellow I've been talking to.
00:25:40That's right.
00:25:41I'm the captain.
00:25:42I'm the captain.
00:25:45Well, where does this thing lead you?
00:25:46Up here.
00:25:47Up?
00:25:48Well, I've been talking from here.
00:25:49Come down here.
00:25:50You're Bones' uncle, eh?
00:25:51Yes.
00:25:52Yes.
00:25:53You told me you had an uncle who was potty.
00:25:54Yeah, that's right.
00:25:55He's nothing of the kind.
00:25:56Besides, that was my brother.
00:25:57Well, what do you want?
00:25:58I want to go up the river.
00:25:59Can't.
00:26:00You'll have to wait until we come back.
00:26:01Back from where?
00:26:02We're going up to the residency to pick up Captain Hamilton.
00:26:03Oh, well, that's just what you're not going to do, you see, because Captain Hamilton's down
00:26:07with fever.
00:26:08I've been trying to tell you all along, I'm here in his place.
00:26:09Blimey, are you going to collect the hut taxes?
00:26:11Yes.
00:26:12Come on.
00:26:13Turn the boat around.
00:26:14Can't.
00:26:15Can't you hear him at can't?
00:26:16No.
00:26:17No what?
00:26:18No, I can't.
00:26:19You can't what?
00:26:20Can't turn the boat around.
00:26:21There ain't no room to maneuver.
00:26:22But you don't have to maneuver.
00:26:23All you've got to do is tie one end of the boat to the bank and let the current drift you
00:26:24around.
00:26:25Here, here.
00:26:26What about the canoe?
00:26:27It's in the way.
00:26:28Well, tell him to get out of the way.
00:26:29Oh, and Armit.
00:26:30Sir?
00:26:31Take the canoe back to the residency and tell them not to do anything till he hears from
00:26:32me.
00:26:33Yes, Lord.
00:26:34Go on.
00:26:35Keep going.
00:26:36Keep going.
00:26:37Well, come on.
00:26:38Come on, let's get moving.
00:26:39Well, where's the soft starter?
00:26:40Have you got one on this thing?
00:26:41Eh?
00:26:42Well, come on.
00:26:43Don't stand there doing nothing.
00:26:44Give some orders or something, can't you?
00:26:45Go on, get steeper.
00:26:46Where's the whistle?
00:26:47Ah, here it is.
00:26:48Let's blow the whistle, then.
00:26:49Oh.
00:26:50Oh.
00:26:51Well, now, can we get this boat to go any faster?
00:26:52I mean, we're doing a knot and a half already.
00:26:53Why, it's taking us 10 minutes to pass that tree.
00:26:54Who's he dead?
00:26:55He's stuck.
00:26:56He's dead.
00:26:57He's dead.
00:26:58He's dead.
00:26:59He's dead.
00:27:00He's dead.
00:27:01He's dead.
00:27:02He's dead.
00:27:03He's dead.
00:27:04He's dead.
00:27:05He's dead.
00:27:06He's dead.
00:27:08Who's he dead?
00:27:09He's stuck!
00:27:10Oh, stop before!
00:27:11Look, he's absentminded.
00:27:12What?
00:27:13Oh, bless you.
00:27:14I've seen the ICC velin.
00:27:15Oh, that thing?
00:27:16Yeah.
00:27:17Why didn't somebody tell me?
00:27:18What am I standing here staring for?
00:27:19I found out you liked it.
00:27:20Liked it.
00:27:21What are you doing?
00:27:22Drawing?
00:27:23No, making up me log book.
00:27:24Your what?
00:27:25My log book.
00:27:26What's the time?
00:27:27How do I know what the time is?
00:27:28Where are all the people?
00:27:29They'll be in the village waiting for you.
00:27:30Oh, come on.
00:27:31We've got ashore.
00:27:32Hang low the boat.
00:27:33I haven't got a boat.
00:27:34That's all the nonsense. We've got to get ashore somehow.
00:27:37Hey, you're the captain of this ship. How do you get ashore?
00:27:39Oh, when I want to go ashore, I don't usually start from here.
00:27:42Well, when you start... What do you mean you don't usually start from here?
00:27:45You're a fettler to help, aren't you?
00:27:46Well, there must be some way of getting ashore. I'll show you how to do it.
00:27:48Here, here. Wait a minute. You're not going to swim, are you?
00:27:51No, I'm going to use that log as a stepping stone.
00:27:53What log? Well, that log.
00:27:54Oh, I can't see any log.
00:27:56You can't see anything.
00:27:57Well, I'll show you where there's a log there, or not, you watch me.
00:28:04Yeah, I told you there wasn't any log.
00:28:09Well, gentlemen, you know what I'm here for.
00:28:10I'm here to collect your taxes.
00:28:12The sooner we get it over with, the better.
00:28:14Now, you first. Come forward.
00:28:21What's your name?
00:28:22Mbla Ponglo Kiowai.
00:28:25Oh, is it? Oh. Is that the name there?
00:28:27How does he spell it?
00:28:28Well, uh... Um, uh...
00:28:30U-M... Listen, you've got it there somewhere. Look it up.
00:28:34Ah, yes. Here it is. 15 bundles of rubber.
00:28:3615 bundles of rubber. That's right.
00:28:38Well, have you got them with you?
00:28:39Lord, me have no rubber.
00:28:41Well, what have you done with it?
00:28:42Lord, me sold rubber to Imago for 25 gold.
00:28:47Well, you've got no right to go around selling government property.
00:28:50You'll have to hand over the goats.
00:28:51Lord, me have no goat.
00:28:53But you just said that you...
00:28:54Me change goat with Tahisi for wife.
00:28:58Well, that's a nice state of affairs.
00:28:59What do we do now?
00:29:00Let's see the wife.
00:29:01Yes. Do you mind bringing your wife...
00:29:02I say, listen, I'm running this.
00:29:04Well, all right. I'll remind you for a minute.
00:29:06Next.
00:29:07Chief Tahisi. 10 bundles of rubber.
00:29:09Chief Tahisi.
00:29:14Well, come on. Where is it?
00:29:15Lord, me in a poor man.
00:29:18Yes, I'm a poor man too, but I gotta pay my taxes.
00:29:20Come on. 10 bundles of rubber.
00:29:21Lord, how can I give you what me no got?
00:29:24Well, haven't you got any rubber?
00:29:25No, Lord.
00:29:26Well, what's the matter with it? Where is it?
00:29:28The goats are eating it.
00:29:29The goats eat... Oh, have they?
00:29:31Well, you better give us the goats.
00:29:33Lord, the goats are dead.
00:29:35The goats are dead.
00:29:36This is a lot of nonsense, you know.
00:29:38These people haven't got any money,
00:29:39they haven't got any rubber, they haven't got any goats.
00:29:40He hasn't even got a wife.
00:29:42Well, make them pay in salt.
00:29:44Well, how much salt goes to a goat?
00:29:45I could tell you if it was mutton.
00:29:47Well, how much goes to mutton?
00:29:47Well, when I eat mutton, a couple of sprinkles.
00:29:49Listen, we're not eating mutton. We're eating goats.
00:29:51Oh, we're not eating anything... Oh, shut up.
00:29:54What's the matter with all these people?
00:29:55I think they're a mug.
00:29:56Eh?
00:29:57They think you're a mug.
00:29:59Oh, they do, do they?
00:30:00Yes, well, I'll show them.
00:30:01Hey, you, unflop on one of your names.
00:30:03Come here.
00:30:05Do you know that debating taxes are very serious offence?
00:30:08That's the only way to treat you people.
00:30:09That's the way they treat me at home.
00:30:13Here we are.
00:30:14What's that?
00:30:15My income tax form.
00:30:17Don't earn much, do you?
00:30:18No, not much.
00:30:19Listen, I don't want any cheap from you.
00:30:21Anyway, that's not at all to do with what I earn.
00:30:23That's what I declare.
00:30:25Yes, well, come on, everybody.
00:30:26Get around here.
00:30:27Come on, line up.
00:30:28Come on, all of you.
00:30:30We're going to get some system into this.
00:30:31Now, this is Schedule E.
00:30:33This is what you come under, you see?
00:30:35It says here that the taxes should be charged on fees,
00:30:37salaries, or any other emoluments.
00:30:39What's an emolument?
00:30:40An emolument?
00:30:41Yes.
00:30:41Well, uh, an emolument is, uh, well, it doesn't say.
00:30:45I know what an emolument is.
00:30:46What?
00:30:47It's a stone thing they put over you when you're dead.
00:30:48Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:30:50He's thinking of a crypt.
00:30:51I mean, when you're dead, they'll put a museum over you.
00:30:53Have you got any emoluments?
00:30:54No, Lord.
00:30:55Crop's very poor.
00:30:57Now what do we do?
00:30:58They haven't got any emoluments.
00:30:59Well, I'll have to find some.
00:31:00Ingozian.
00:31:01Ingozian.
00:31:02Ingozian.
00:31:03Ingozian.
00:31:04Oh, yes, Ingozian.
00:31:05Ingozian.
00:31:06I'm in a hurry.
00:31:07Too fast, and I'm bound to run a bomb.
00:31:09I have five in Kerala.
00:31:10It's a good game.
00:31:11It's only Ingozian.
00:31:12What did he say?
00:31:13He says you can't touch him.
00:31:14He's a one-man company.
00:31:15Oh, is he?
00:31:16Yeah.
00:31:17Well, I would give his one-man band.
00:31:18You can't get away with that.
00:31:19The sticker says here that he's chargeable on bonuses,
00:31:21commissions, and any other fluctuating emoluments.
00:31:23Lord.
00:31:24Oh, man.
00:31:26Me got family to support.
00:31:28Well, you can claim relief.
00:31:29You see, there's a paragraph that takes care of all that.
00:31:31Yes, there it is.
00:31:32Allowance for wife.
00:31:33125 pounds.
00:31:34Lord, me got 15 wives.
00:31:3615?
00:31:37What does that mean?
00:31:38You don't want relief.
00:31:39You want more than your money.
00:31:40Is there anything about more than one wife?
00:31:41It says here, a total amount of relief given
00:31:43should not exceed that which should have been given
00:31:45had no such application been made.
00:31:47Yes, there you are.
00:31:48You see, that takes care of all that.
00:31:49Yeah, wait a minute.
00:31:50EG.
00:31:51What's EG mean?
00:31:52EG?
00:31:53Well, uh, EG means, uh, well, it's a figure of speech.
00:31:57Like LBW or NBG.
00:31:59But it must say something else.
00:32:00Can't put EG by itself.
00:32:02EG computed on the net income.
00:32:04Net income?
00:32:05Well, that's no use.
00:32:06That's for fishermen.
00:32:07Oh, no.
00:32:08Your net income is the amount assessable
00:32:10after deduction has been allowed for fluctuating emoluments.
00:32:13Listen to the old fool.
00:32:14He's delirious.
00:32:15Give him some quinine.
00:32:16Now, listen.
00:32:17This is getting us nowhere at all.
00:32:18We've been sitting here half an hour.
00:32:19We've got no salt, no rubber, no goats, and no taxes.
00:32:22No taxes.
00:32:23No taxes.
00:32:24Thank you, Lord.
00:32:25No taxes.
00:32:26Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:32:27Come back here.
00:32:28Hey, come back.
00:32:29Where do you think you're going to?
00:32:30Come here, everybody.
00:32:31What's the matter?
00:32:32What are you playing at?
00:32:33I've had enough of this nonsense.
00:32:34You're not going to make a fool out of me.
00:32:36You know very well what your taxes are,
00:32:37and you know they're going to be paid.
00:32:38And I'm going to see that they are paid.
00:32:39I don't care how they're paid, as long as they get paid.
00:32:41Anyway.
00:32:42Whether they're paid in salt, mustard, pepper, goats.
00:32:44Or wives.
00:32:45Or wives.
00:32:46Yeah, listen.
00:32:47You better come along with me before they
00:32:48count you in as one of the goats.
00:32:49Come on.
00:32:50You haven't got that hat on.
00:32:51I think you better go.
00:32:52No.
00:32:56Come on.
00:33:12Ah, Bubble.
00:33:14Ah, there.
00:33:15Hey, guys.
00:33:16Huh?
00:33:17Do you smell something?
00:33:20Blimey, yes.
00:33:21No, I can't smell anything.
00:33:22You can't?
00:33:23I mean, you want your nose attended to
00:33:24while it's suffocating.
00:33:27Has something died in here?
00:33:28Yeah, perhaps I've left something turned on.
00:33:31Oh, I can smell it now.
00:33:33Awful, isn't it?
00:33:34Yeah, you're sure it's not something
00:33:35you left in your log book.
00:33:36Yeah, that reminds me.
00:33:399.30 AM.
00:33:41We smell.
00:33:42Hey, you speak for yourself.
00:33:45Oh!
00:33:46It's coming from out there.
00:33:47Is it?
00:33:48Oh!
00:33:53Oh!
00:33:56Oh, I see it.
00:33:57Now, what is it?
00:33:58Well, look.
00:33:59Let's take the taxi.
00:34:01Oh, what am I going to do with all this stuff?
00:34:03I'll just get the motor cologne if I were you.
00:34:05Motor cologne?
00:34:06I mean, you don't need motor cologne.
00:34:07You need carbolic.
00:34:09Hey, what are you doing?
00:34:10I'm counting them.
00:34:11Counting them before?
00:34:12Put them in me log book.
00:34:13Well, what was that going to do?
00:34:14Well, we've got to put them somewhere, haven't we?
00:34:16Put them somewhere.
00:34:17You get up on the bridge and get this ship moving.
00:34:18We've got to get a can of air through here.
00:34:20Oh, I'll just turn the boat around.
00:34:22We're going home.
00:34:23Debbie, you've got another three villages to go to yet.
00:34:25Three more villages?
00:34:26Oh, oh.
00:34:27Well, I'm not thinking any more goats anyway.
00:34:29Oh, I can't.
00:34:31Oh, lovely.
00:34:32There are hundreds of them.
00:34:33What's that noise?
00:34:34Drums.
00:34:35Drums?
00:34:36Yes, it's the morning paper.
00:34:37Oh, what's it say?
00:34:39Sanders has gone.
00:34:40Well, that's yesterday's news.
00:34:41What's in the stock press?
00:34:43Hey, we can't start.
00:34:45Why not?
00:34:46Goats have eaten the steering wheel.
00:34:47Yes.
00:34:48What do you mean the goats have eaten it?
00:34:50Don't tell lies like that to me.
00:34:52You've broken it.
00:34:53That's what you've done.
00:34:54Can you cover the cockleball story about the goats eating it?
00:34:57Goats don't eat anything except in commie papers.
00:34:59There we go.
00:35:17You hear the drums.
00:35:18Lord Sandy has gone.
00:35:20But even though he is across the seas,
00:35:22the quarry taxes shall be paid.
00:35:24As I have promised.
00:35:26Lord Bosambo, it is ordered that we pay no more taxes.
00:35:29Ordered?
00:35:30You son of a lizard.
00:35:32Whose orders?
00:35:33Prince Mbappé said it.
00:35:34Mbappé?
00:35:35I'm not I, your king?
00:35:39Little king with a big mouth.
00:35:44My tamby.
00:35:45You have the madness to come some drink.
00:35:53So this is the secret of my people's madness.
00:35:56Mbappé, my brother, you know this thing is against the law.
00:36:00The law?
00:36:01Am I a savage that I should be told what I shall eat and drink?
00:36:04This is bad palaver.
00:36:05Not for a hundred moons has there been white man's gin
00:36:08in a quarry country.
00:36:09I'm not a savage.
00:36:10I'm not a savage.
00:36:11I'm not a savage.
00:36:12I'm not a savage.
00:36:13I'm not a savage.
00:36:14I'm not a savage.
00:36:15I'm not a savage.
00:36:16I'm not a savage.
00:36:17I'm not a savage.
00:36:18I'm not a savage.
00:36:19I'm not a savage.
00:36:20I'm not a savage.
00:36:21I'm not a savage.
00:36:22I'm not a savage.
00:36:23I'm not a savage.
00:36:24I'm not a savage.
00:36:26I'm not a savage.
00:36:29I'm a savage from a quarry country.
00:36:32What will Lord Sandy say?
00:36:36There's no Lord Sandy.
00:36:37Sandy's gone across the big waters.
00:36:39You will obey Lord Sandy's law while I am chief
00:36:42and that will be until the day I die.
00:36:44That day may dawn more quickly than you think.
00:36:48You dare to threaten me?
00:36:51Then we shall see what is the will of the people.
00:37:01Come on the tribe!
00:37:22Bati, my brother, it is in my thoughts that this is a killing parable.
00:37:27Bosambo, my brother, the same thought has occurred to me.
00:37:32People of the Akore, it is I, Bosambo, your chief, who speaks.
00:37:37Yes, your chief, by kind permission of the white man, Sandy.
00:37:41That is so, for all men know that I am Lord Sandy's man.
00:37:45And under Lord Sandy, have I not brought peace and safe living to all my people?
00:37:52And did not Lord Sandy say we are loved as his children by the white king across the sea?
00:37:59Sandy lies. He says the things that suit him.
00:38:02Did he not prevent the Akore to make the proper sacrifice to God?
00:38:06Yes, he did.
00:38:07Had not God forsaken the Akore, so does Piero de Rossi, a young man grown soft.
00:38:12Would you not like to return to the days when the Akore were a mighty race?
00:38:16People of the Akore, it is for you to choose.
00:38:20Who will you have for your chief?
00:38:22I, Mbappé, who will let you worship God as of old and become a mighty race?
00:38:27Or will you have Bosambo and lick that white man's hand?
00:38:31I, Mbappé, who will let you worship God as of old and become a mighty race?
00:38:34Or will you have Bosambo and lick that white man's hand?
00:38:37I, Mbappé, who will let you worship God as of old and become a mighty race?
00:38:41Mbappé, you have maddened my people with the white man's gin.
00:38:45And when Lord Sandy returns, he will hang you from the highest tree.
00:38:50Then in return, by the next full of the moon, I shall have united all the tribes.
00:38:55And together, we'll sink the white man into the sea.
00:38:58Mbappé, you're a damn nigger.
00:39:00Tie him up. He shall be our first sacrifice to die.
00:39:14What was that?
00:39:15That was the voice of Lord Sandy's boat bringing Lord Hamilton and the soldiers.
00:39:19Now, what will you do, old little chief?
00:39:22You shall receive Captain Hamilton, Bosambo, seated in your great chair,
00:39:25and smiling, so that he shall think that all is well.
00:39:28For my spearmen will be round you.
00:39:30Do you think I fear your spears?
00:39:33My spears are not for you, my brother.
00:39:35They are for Captain Hamilton, should you cause him to suspect.
00:39:40Kill the white man.
00:39:42That must not be, for to kill the white man is to kill their quarry.
00:39:46There shall be no killing yet.
00:39:48The time is not ripe. The tribes are not prepared.
00:39:50To strike now would ruin all.
00:39:51How much any uncovers our secret, that too would ruin all.
00:39:54In that case, Hamilton must die, and other plans be made.
00:40:01You will watch for my signal.
00:40:03If Hamilton's suspicions are aroused, I shall drop my hand, so, and you will kill.
00:40:09But, until I drop my hand, let all spears be hidden.
00:40:12Kill her.
00:40:21Kill her.
00:40:36I say, don't these goats travel far?
00:40:40What about poor old Albert? He's in the middle of them.
00:40:42Well, after sharing a cabin with you, I expect he's used to it.
00:40:47Hey, hey, you in the outings?
00:40:49Yes, what do you want?
00:40:51Oh, good. Maybe we can change some of those goats for something that smells a bit sweeter.
00:40:55Let's land.
00:41:05Back pedal faster, can't you?
00:41:07Well, I'm trying to go as fast as I can.
00:41:09Oh, shh.
00:41:10Look out.
00:41:15Look out now.
00:41:16Look out now.
00:41:18Come on. Got him.
00:41:20All right. Come on.
00:41:21Hurry up.
00:41:23There we go. Nearly there.
00:41:27Is that the best you can do?
00:41:28Yes, of course.
00:41:30Look out for the bump.
00:41:32Here we are.
00:41:34Right.
00:41:39Here you got it.
00:41:40What's the matter?
00:41:41You've got to get your feet wet.
00:41:42Well, it's about time they were introduced to water.
00:41:44Don't help Albert tire.
00:41:45Here, what are you going to do?
00:41:46I'm going to collect the taxes.
00:41:47Where are you going to put them?
00:41:48Where do you think I'm going to put them? In the Noah's Ark.
00:41:50There's still plenty of them in the funnel.
00:41:52What do you want me to do?
00:41:53Well, there's plenty for you to do, isn't there?
00:41:54Go and open the windows and air the boat.
00:41:55What about the goats?
00:41:56The goats, yes. Well, I'll take them for a walk.
00:42:16We were not expecting you, Professor.
00:42:18Welcome to the Aquarius.
00:42:19Oh, thank you very much.
00:42:20Captain Hamilton's down with fever, so I've come in his place.
00:42:23Oh, you live here, don't you?
00:42:25It's rather a nice place you've got.
00:42:27I tell you, who's that in memory of?
00:42:29I'm afraid that's the Tribal Guard.
00:42:31A bit hideous, isn't it?
00:42:32Oh, I don't know.
00:42:33We've got statues worse than that in London.
00:42:35I don't know.
00:42:36I don't know.
00:42:37I don't know.
00:42:38I don't know.
00:42:39I don't know.
00:42:40I don't know.
00:42:41I don't know.
00:42:42I don't know.
00:42:43I don't know.
00:42:44There are statues worse than that in London.
00:42:50Oh, Bosambo.
00:42:51This is Lord Tibetti, who stands now in Lord Sandy's place.
00:42:56Tibetti?
00:42:57Not the brother of Bonesy Tibetti?
00:42:59No, I'm Bone's uncle.
00:43:01Lord, it fills me with sorrow that I cannot entertain you as I would.
00:43:06You have come to the Aquarius at an unlucky time.
00:43:08There are evil spirits in my village.
00:43:12Yes, Lord. We have the sickness of many spots.
00:43:17That's all right. I've had the measles.
00:43:20Lord, why have you given us the happiness of this visit?
00:43:23Happiness? I'm afraid there's not going to be much happiness for you in it.
00:43:26Why? What wrong have we done?
00:43:29You've broken the law. That's what you've done.
00:43:32In what way have we broken the law?
00:43:34Well, you know perfectly well that when I come up here to collect taxes,
00:43:37they should all be waiting for me on the river bank.
00:43:39I shouldn't have to come up here to fetch them.
00:43:41I've had quite enough of that with all the other tribes.
00:43:44Lord, that's a small matter.
00:43:46Nikala.
00:43:49Lord, the taxes will be put on your fine boat that you may leave immediately.
00:43:53Good. Leave immediately?
00:43:55Somebody may think you want to get rid of me.
00:43:57I was thinking of staying the night. Haven't you got a spare bedroom?
00:44:00Lord, that would give me the greatest happiness.
00:44:04But we have filled the guest hut with our sick.
00:44:07Ah.
00:44:11Ah, that's an interesting curio.
00:44:14What's it made of?
00:44:19That's funny. I know that smell.
00:44:23Ah. Benzene.
00:44:27Hey, Anjanji. Hey, Baka.
00:44:29The taxes are all aboard, Professor.
00:44:31What, already? That's quick work.
00:44:33I wish everybody else paid up as quickly as that.
00:44:35Tomorrow would have been soon enough. I'm in no hurry.
00:44:37I should advise you to leave at once, Professor.
00:44:39There's rain in the hills, and the river will have risen by tomorrow.
00:44:41Oh? How much does it rise?
00:44:43Six or seven feet.
00:44:44Six or seven feet?
00:44:45Good heavens, it's up to me portholes already.
00:44:47Well, I must get a move on.
00:44:48Well, bye-bye, Bisambo. Bye-bye.
00:44:50The palaver's finished.
00:44:51Thank you, Professor.
00:45:01Ah!
00:45:10Ah!
00:45:19What's happening?
00:45:20Oh, nothing, Professor. Nothing at all.
00:45:21Just a little tribal game.
00:45:22Ah. Looks exciting.
00:45:23I should like to have joined in.
00:45:25If the time had been right, you would have joined in.
00:45:27You must excuse me.
00:45:32How about off?
00:45:34Oh, come on. Untie the boat. We're moving.
00:45:35The river's coming up. There's going to be a flood.
00:45:37I've got some bad news for you.
00:45:38What is it?
00:45:39The taxis have escaped.
00:45:40Well, how did that happen?
00:45:41Well, I sent them for a walk, like you said, and they ain't come back.
00:45:43What do you mean, you sent them for a walk?
00:45:45I told you to take them for a walk.
00:45:46Where'd you get that scent from?
00:45:47From the guns.
00:45:48Yes, sir. I don't want any wisecracks from you.
00:45:50Go on.
00:45:57You didn't send them for a walk soon enough.
00:46:09That's all very well, but what am I going to say to Hamilton
00:46:11when he asks for all the taxes I've collected?
00:46:13Oh, tell him a lion ate them.
00:46:15A lion?
00:46:16I mean, how can a lion eat all those goats?
00:46:18There were hundreds of them.
00:46:19What are you doing now?
00:46:21Working out how many there were.
00:46:22Well, you don't need all those calculations.
00:46:24Yes, I do. There's so many of them, it ain't easy.
00:46:26There's the black one, that's four.
00:46:28There's the brown and white one, that's eight.
00:46:29There's the one with the twisted horn, that's 12.
00:46:31There's the...
00:46:3212? There's only three there.
00:46:33Where'd you get the 12?
00:46:34Well, I added up their fees, and then I divided by four.
00:46:37Added up their feet, divided by four.
00:46:39I never heard this nonsense in all my life.
00:46:41Added up their feet...
00:46:42Suppose you're one of them standing on his hind legs.
00:46:44Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that.
00:46:45No, you never think of anything.
00:46:47You are doing a long, idiotic, senseless sum, all for nothing,
00:46:50when all you've got to do is to add up their horns and divide by two.
00:46:53Oh, yeah.
00:46:58What's happened?
00:46:59Something's hit the boat.
00:47:00Yes, my head.
00:47:02Albert! Albert!
00:47:05Albert!
00:47:07Albert!
00:47:09What are you doing?
00:47:10What's the matter?
00:47:11We've stopped.
00:47:12Well, you needn't stop with such a jerk, need you?
00:47:13In any case, you can't stop here, there's a flood coming.
00:47:15Well, you'd better come quick.
00:47:16We're on a sandbank.
00:47:17On a sandbank?
00:47:18Oh, I like that.
00:47:19That's nice.
00:47:20Now what are we going to do?
00:47:21I don't know.
00:47:22We can't do anything until the flood comes.
00:47:23Oh, yes, we can.
00:47:24Go on, you get over to the side on the sandbank and push us off.
00:47:25What, me?
00:47:26Yeah.
00:47:27Oh, yeah.
00:47:28I'm going to get my feet wet again, I know.
00:47:29Yeah, and what about the crocodiles?
00:47:30Don't mind about the crocodiles.
00:47:31The crocodiles will go.
00:47:32Go on, over you go.
00:47:33Go on.
00:47:38Oh, I've seen one.
00:47:39A great big black crocodile swimming towards me.
00:47:41What?
00:47:45Blimey, he's climbing aboard.
00:47:47Don't be ridiculous.
00:47:48Crocodiles don't climb.
00:47:55Don't be afraid.
00:47:56Don't be afraid.
00:48:02What's that?
00:48:11It's Brisembo.
00:48:12Yeah.
00:48:16Lord, you must turn back.
00:48:18The accordion.
00:48:19My brother.
00:48:20All right, sit down.
00:48:21Take your time.
00:48:22Take your time.
00:48:23Now tell me slowly.
00:48:24What's the matter?
00:48:25Lord, he must return to the accordion at once.
00:48:26They're in revolt.
00:48:27Oh, are they?
00:48:28Well, we should put a stop to that.
00:48:29Albert, turn the boat around.
00:48:30Why?
00:48:31Hurry, Lord.
00:48:32There'll be much blood and murder.
00:48:33Murder?
00:48:34Oh, Albert, wait a minute.
00:48:35Wait.
00:48:36It's just quite a little bit of thought.
00:48:37Lord, even now, they're preparing a human sacrifice
00:48:39for D'Ar.
00:48:40And that is against Lord Sandy's law.
00:48:42It's against my law, too.
00:48:43They can't do things like that.
00:48:44Well, what's come over them?
00:48:45They'll be all right when I let them.
00:48:47Lord, my brother has given them the devil drink.
00:48:49They're mad with gin.
00:48:50Gin?
00:48:51Plenty gin, Alberti.
00:48:52And a machine that makes more.
00:48:54Somebody's going to catch it.
00:48:55Did you hear that?
00:48:56I should say so, too.
00:48:57Where did they get this gin from?
00:48:59Lord, the devil machine was in the things
00:49:00my brother brought with him.
00:49:01Oh, no, no.
00:49:02It couldn't have been.
00:49:03Why, his luggage was searched.
00:49:04But, Lord, I saw it with my own eyes.
00:49:06A case so big and so high.
00:49:09A large wooden case.
00:49:11With, uh, with fragile on the side.
00:49:13Such a case, Lord.
00:49:14Yeah, well, I know that case.
00:49:15Well, that contained a present for you.
00:49:17I helped to get it up the river.
00:49:19You did?
00:49:20Well, I shouldn't lie to be in your shoes.
00:49:22Why?
00:49:23What do you mean?
00:49:24Only the last man that smuggled gin to the natives
00:49:25was houndstooth, wasn't he?
00:49:26Hey, you don't think I'm responsible for that gin, do you?
00:49:28Well, you helped them to get the case in, didn't you?
00:49:30I did nothing of the kind.
00:49:31Besides, how did I know it was a thing for making gin?
00:49:33Well, don't apologize to me.
00:49:34Keep it for Hamilton.
00:49:36Hey, Hamilton mustn't hear anything about this.
00:49:38We've got to get that thing back before anybody
00:49:40knows about it.
00:49:41Lord, I beseech you to hurry.
00:49:42Yes, we're going to hurry.
00:49:43But as soon as she's going up there alone,
00:49:45we'd better send a wireless message for the soldiers.
00:49:47And remember, not a word to anybody.
00:49:49Oh, it's all right with me.
00:49:50I won't split.
00:49:51Wait till Hamilton reads it in my logbook.
00:49:52Yeah.
00:49:53Hey, you put a word of that in your logbook,
00:49:54and I'll chuck you in the river, logbook and all.
00:49:58I say, anybody know how this thing works?
00:50:00Yes, I do.
00:50:01You do?
00:50:02Good.
00:50:03Yes, you tap out a message on that little knob.
00:50:04Well, I know that, you old fool.
00:50:05I mean, do you know how it's done?
00:50:06Yes, in shorthand.
00:50:07Shorthand.
00:50:08Don't you know anything about the Morse code?
00:50:10All that dot-dash stuff?
00:50:11Yes.
00:50:12When a dot is short and a dash is long?
00:50:13That's right.
00:50:14And you have a different combination for each letter?
00:50:15Yes.
00:50:16Oh, no, I don't know anything about that.
00:50:17No.
00:50:18Mummy, do you?
00:50:19No.
00:50:20Well, how am I going to send out a message
00:50:21if nobody knows the code?
00:50:22All right, all right.
00:50:23Keep your hair on.
00:50:24There's a book here with it all in.
00:50:25Oh, good.
00:50:26That's better.
00:50:27Let's have a look at it.
00:50:28Yes, there we are.
00:50:29A is dot-dash.
00:50:30B, dash, dot, dot, dot.
00:50:31That's right.
00:50:32And C is dash-dash, dash-dash.
00:50:33That's right.
00:50:34Dash-dash, dash-dash.
00:50:35What are you talking about, dot-dash, dot-dash?
00:50:36Why don't you speak before you think?
00:50:37I mean, speak before you think.
00:50:38Oh, shut up.
00:50:39It's dash-dash, dash-dash, dash-dash.
00:50:40Listen, you mind your own business.
00:50:41I'll tell you what we'll do.
00:50:42We'll write the message down first,
00:50:43and then we'll translate it afterwards.
00:50:44All right.
00:50:45From Professor T.
00:50:47You don't want to put all that in a message.
00:50:48It'll take all night to send it.
00:50:49It'll make it snappy.
00:50:50Well, we can write it down first,
00:50:51then cut out the superfluous words afterwards.
00:50:52That's all right.
00:50:53Hurry up.
00:50:54Well, I'm being as quick as I can.
00:50:55Now, how shall we start?
00:50:56Start?
00:50:57We're in a bit of a mess.
00:50:58Yes, you'll be in a bit of a mess, too,
00:50:59if you don't keep quiet.
00:51:00Besides, we're not in a bit of a mess.
00:51:01We're in a heck of a mess.
00:51:02We're in a mess.
00:51:03We're in a mess.
00:51:04We're in a mess.
00:51:05We're in a mess.
00:51:06We're in a mess.
00:51:07We're in a mess.
00:51:08We're in a mess.
00:51:09We're in a mess.
00:51:10We're in a mess.
00:51:11Yes, you'll be in a bit of a mess, too,
00:51:12if you don't keep quiet.
00:51:13Besides, we're not in a bit of a mess.
00:51:15We're in a heck of a mess.
00:51:17Send all available soldiers.
00:51:20You don't want to put available.
00:51:21That's superfluous.
00:51:22All right, then.
00:51:24Send all soldiers up the river.
00:51:26That's superfluous, too.
00:51:27They know we're up the river.
00:51:29Do they?
00:51:30Oh, well, all right, then.
00:51:31Send all soldiers.
00:51:33Make arrangements.
00:51:34Leave immediately.
00:51:35What do you want to put all that for?
00:51:36You're not writing a love letter.
00:51:37Well, I'm going to let them know what I'm talking about.
00:51:39It's your purpose.
00:51:40Of course it is.
00:51:41No, it isn't.
00:51:42Yes, but you don't want to tell them anything
00:51:43about making arrangements.
00:51:44Leave immediately.
00:51:45That's enough.
00:51:46Listen, if we cut it down any shorter,
00:51:47it won't be any good sending it at all.
00:51:49All right, we'll start again.
00:51:54Send all soldiers on.
00:51:56That's right.
00:51:57Tell them to leave immediately.
00:51:58Right.
00:51:59Leave immediately.
00:52:02There we are.
00:52:04There it is.
00:52:05Go on, cut this out as fast as you can.
00:52:07Hey, you, put these earphones on and see
00:52:09if you can pick up any answers.
00:52:10Lord, Lord.
00:52:11Yes?
00:52:12I beseech you to hasten.
00:52:13The drums are already calling the tribes to the feast.
00:52:15In an hour, it will be too late.
00:52:17I know, I know.
00:52:18We're hastening as much as we can.
00:52:19The flower's finished.
00:52:21I got it.
00:52:22I got it.
00:52:23I got a message.
00:52:24See it.
00:52:25See it.
00:52:26See it.
00:52:27See it.
00:52:28See it.
00:52:29Spot.
00:52:30Stick.
00:52:31Spot.
00:52:32Spot.
00:52:33Stick.
00:52:34Spot.
00:52:35Spot.
00:52:36Of course, you are.
00:52:41Dash.
00:52:42Dot.
00:52:43Dash.
00:52:44Dash.
00:52:45They are finished.
00:52:46Good.
00:52:50From Desir.
00:52:53Hey, it's a strange order, Sergeant.
00:52:55This is a letter for soldier to request a superior command.
00:53:01Can you hear anything?
00:53:03Can you hear anything?
00:53:08Oh, look what the old fool's done now.
00:53:11Now we're trying to know whether they've got the message or not.
00:53:14You'd better send a pigeon.
00:53:15Well, where else are we going to get a pigeon from?
00:53:17We've got some upstairs on deck.
00:53:18That's right.
00:53:19Well, why don't I think someone say so?
00:53:24Well, where are they?
00:53:25I'll show you.
00:53:28There you are.
00:53:29Oh, you've got a lot of them, haven't you?
00:53:30Well, get one out.
00:53:31You hear that message?
00:53:32Pass it to each leg and send it off at once.
00:53:33Well, that's no good.
00:53:34Pigeons can't fly at night.
00:53:35Can they?
00:53:36Well, I don't care.
00:53:37Put it on top of the mast so he can make an early start in the morning.
00:53:39All right.
00:53:40Yeah.
00:53:41Oh, look, look.
00:53:42House on fire.
00:53:43Oh, yeah.
00:53:44Lord, those were the fires of the human sacrifice to tar.
00:53:46What's it all in aid of?
00:53:47If they won't get the bloodlust of human sacrifice, no white man will live.
00:53:51Yeah, and you'll get blamed.
00:53:52You started all this.
00:53:53You'd better put it right.
00:53:54Yeah, well, what can I do?
00:53:55You expect me to be walking blindly to a bloodlust?
00:53:58Lord, Sandy would have walked in and given them one of his terrible looks,
00:54:01and the rebellion would have been quelled.
00:54:03Oh, I give terrible looks.
00:54:04That's all they want.
00:54:05What about this?
00:54:06That will only upset them more.
00:54:08Oh, will it?
00:54:09Listen, I don't need that from you, my boy.
00:54:10I can look as terrible as Sandy as anybody else.
00:54:12Yes, but look at the start you've got.
00:54:13Yes.
00:54:14That's quite enough.
00:54:15Listen, for that we'll go.
00:54:16You and Harbottle too.
00:54:17Where is he?
00:54:18Where is he?
00:54:19Harbottle?
00:54:20Where are you?
00:54:21I'm here.
00:54:22You got that pigeon ready to send?
00:54:23Yes.
00:54:24All right, well, try and get this boat moving.
00:54:25Yes.
00:54:26Lord, there's no time to go by the river.
00:54:27You must take a path through the forest.
00:54:29Well, what about the soldiers?
00:54:30Who's going to tell them where we are?
00:54:31Send for Sambo.
00:54:32He can meet them.
00:54:33Yes, that's all right.
00:54:34Yes, you meet them and tell them to hurry.
00:54:35Which way do we go?
00:54:36You're going to find a path through the woods.
00:54:37Ah, I remember.
00:54:38My mother said I never should.
00:54:40Lady, they love book in the woods.
00:54:42Yes, I know.
00:54:43Well, you get going.
00:54:44Go on.
00:54:45Why don't you get a move on?
00:54:52Hey, hey.
00:54:53Stop waving that lamp about.
00:54:54What do you think you're doing, signaling?
00:54:56Let's have a go.
00:54:57Boat at it.
00:55:18Oh, look.
00:55:19It's an idea from the party.
00:55:27Well, they don't seem to be doing much harm, do they?
00:55:29No, but they're walking themselves up to something.
00:55:31Perhaps it's going to be a cabaret.
00:55:33Cabaret.
00:55:34Yeah.
00:55:40We'll have a look somewhere else, won't we?
00:55:48We'll have a look.
00:55:49All right.
00:55:56Oh, look.
00:55:57There's a baby.
00:56:02Give it to me.
00:56:20I know what I'm going to do.
00:56:21Hey, hold those.
00:56:24Put it down.
00:56:25Put it down.
00:56:41Oh, look.
00:56:42There he is.
00:56:44Hey, hey.
00:56:45You, Buffalo Will.
00:56:46Stop this, you lot.
00:56:47Come here.
00:56:48What's going on?
00:56:49Hey, what are you playing at?
00:56:50Who's in charge of this place, Buffalo?
00:56:51Where's the man of this town?
00:56:52Let me go.
00:56:53Let me go.
00:56:54Let me go.
00:56:55Let me go.
00:56:58Hey, this is all your fault.
00:56:59You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
00:57:01Stop all this nonsense at once.
00:57:02Go on, everybody.
00:57:03Go on.
00:57:04Tell everybody the party's over.
00:57:05Go on.
00:57:06Get out of it.
00:57:07Skedaddle.
00:57:08Go on.
00:57:11Now, listen.
00:57:12I was asking you to hand over that gun to me at once.
00:57:14It's against the law.
00:57:15I'm sorry.
00:57:16You've got no license.
00:57:19Listen, white man.
00:57:20There's only one law here.
00:57:22Knob down.
00:57:25Oh, is that so?
00:57:26Well, what's that baby doing up this time of the night?
00:57:28Should have been in bed long ago.
00:57:43Oh, blimey.
00:57:44They've got him.
00:57:45That's right.
00:57:46Well, there's only one thing for us to do.
00:57:47That's right.
00:57:48Hop in.
00:57:53Fail.
00:57:56Fail.
00:58:01Fail.
00:58:02Fail.
00:58:03Fail.
00:58:04Fail.
00:58:05Fail.
00:58:12Quit him now.
00:58:13No.
00:58:14Stop.
00:58:15Wimuel will stop and Liz become Doc.
00:58:18Come on!
00:58:43Albert!
00:58:45Albert, open the door!
00:58:48Help us! Help us!
00:58:59I wish you'd shut up! How on earth can I...
00:59:03How on earth can I hear anything with you kicking up all that noise?
00:59:07I don't suppose you know the way to the river, do you?
00:59:18Help us! Help us!
00:59:37Harbottle! Albert!
00:59:40Don't you cry. I haven't got anything for you.
00:59:44You must stop crying, you know. You're going back in the face.
00:59:48Oh dear, oh dear. Alice, now you go to sleep like a good little child, will you?
00:59:54And I'll tell you a nice little bedtime story, shall I?
00:59:57Right, I will.
00:59:58Well, once upon a time there was a little boy called Cinderella, you see.
01:00:02And he took his mother's cow to market and he sold it for a bag of beans.
01:00:05Well, when the beans grew up, the little boy cut them down, you see.
01:00:09So the giant said, who's been eating my porridge?
01:00:13No, I'm sorry. He said, who's been cutting down my beans?
01:00:16And the little boy said, I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little axe.
01:00:21So the giant fell off the top of the cherry tree and broke his neck and they all lived happily ever after.
01:00:27There. Now what do you think of that?
01:00:30All right, all right. I didn't write it. It's history.
01:00:34Yes.
01:01:10Here, here. Say, what's all this? Have you been out shopping?
01:01:14Albert!
01:01:16Albert!
01:01:17Albert!
01:01:18Hey, hey, what are you doing here?
01:01:20Dada.
01:01:21Huh?
01:01:22Dada.
01:01:23Oh, no. Me no dada. Me found it.
01:01:25Anyway, I'm glad you've found it because you can take it and find a nice home for it, will you please?
01:01:29Dada.
01:01:30Hey!
01:01:31Don't be silly. Look at him. Doesn't he look like me?
01:01:33Hey, what are you doing? What's your idea?
01:01:35No, no. Take those things away. I don't want them.
01:01:38Hey, hey, go away. Find the baby.
01:01:40I've had that on before. It doesn't fit me. Go on. Take it away.
01:01:42No, no. No, listen. Leave it.
01:01:44Don't upset the baby. Go away. Go away with those things. Take them away.
01:01:48Go away.
01:01:49Oh, so that's why you gave us the slip.
01:01:51What do you mean he gave you the slip? These young ladies were here when I woke up this morning.
01:01:54Yes, we understand.
01:01:55Listen, what are you trying to insinuate?
01:01:57How dare you talk like that in front of the child?
01:01:59It's a call of the baby. Congratulations.
01:02:01Listen, I've told you this baby's got nothing at all to do with me.
01:02:03You get out of it. Go on. Take all those things away. Go on.
01:02:06Get out of it. No, no. Scamp. Scarper. Incy.
01:02:08What? No, no, no. Come here. Not you. Not you.
01:02:11Well, I'm sorry if we spoiled anything.
01:02:13I'll spoil you if you don't be quiet.
01:02:14Now, what's worrying me?
01:02:15What?
01:02:16It's going to look pretty bad in my love book.
01:02:18Listen, will you two get this in your thick skulls that this baby's got nothing at all to do with me?
01:02:22This is the one that we're going to sacrifice.
01:02:24What do you mean? You pinched it off the altar and got away with it?
01:02:26Yes.
01:02:27What, and nobody followed you?
01:02:28No.
01:02:29Oh, I'm glad we're out of that mess.
01:02:30How did you do it?
01:02:31Oh, I just gave him that look of mine and it scared him.
01:02:34Yes, I can quite understand that. The first time I saw him, he turned my stomach over.
01:02:37Yeah, well, you've only got to look natural to turn my stomach over.
01:02:40Well, the first thing we've got to do is to find the river.
01:02:42Find the river?
01:02:43Yes.
01:02:44Well, we're standing right beside it.
01:02:45What?
01:02:46Yeah, look. It's over there.
01:02:47Where?
01:02:48Look, and the lair's over there.
01:02:49Well, what do you mean to tell me that I've been...
01:02:51Well, what have I been doing here all night?
01:02:53Yeah, that's what we like to know.
01:02:54Listen, you're a couple of suspicious-minded old sailors.
01:02:57Go on. Get out of here. Go on over there.
01:02:58Go on. Go on.
01:03:01People of the Okori, listen to me, for I speak with the mouth of God.
01:03:07Last night in the forest, God spoke to me,
01:03:09telling me that now that the Okori have achieved with such wisdom
01:03:13and knowledge of the white man's secrets, that I should have his power.
01:03:19The white man shall always be swept into the sea.
01:03:24People of the Okori, are we children?
01:03:28Shall we dance?
01:03:30Then let the dance of the spirits begin, for we go to a mighty killing.
01:03:53Hey, go easy with that water.
01:03:54Bathing a baby's not like bathing a dog, you know.
01:03:56What's the difference?
01:03:57The difference? Well, the difference is that...
01:04:00Well, a baby doesn't get out and shake itself all over you like a dog, does it?
01:04:03Anybody would think you knew all about bathing a baby.
01:04:06What do you mean, anybody would think?
01:04:07Of course I know all about bathing a baby.
01:04:09All you've got to do is to cover it with soap and then, well, rinse it off.
01:04:13Well, my mother said you shouldn't bathe a baby until it was two years old.
01:04:16Two years?
01:04:17That's right. I didn't have my first bath when I was two.
01:04:19Oh, you did have one then.
01:04:22Come on, baby. Come on, darling.
01:04:24Baby's going to have a nice little bathy-wathy, aren't you?
01:04:28Bathy-wathy? What language do you call that?
01:04:31I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him.
01:04:33He understands.
01:04:34Don't be jucky-wucky.
01:04:39Well, what are you supposed to be doing?
01:04:40Taking his shoulder measurements.
01:04:41Ain't very wide, is it?
01:04:43Think we ought to put a bit of padding in the shoulder?
01:04:45Yeah. Hey, what's that you've been cutting up?
01:04:47Your pyjamas.
01:04:48Well, who told you to cut up my pyjamas? You put them back under the pillow at once.
01:04:51It's smart, isn't it?
01:04:52Smart?
01:04:54Well, how's he going to get his legs in there?
01:04:55That ain't his legs. That's his sleeves.
01:04:57What are you doing down here?
01:04:58Well, I'm holding it upside down.
01:05:00Well, you can't dress a baby upside down, can you?
01:05:02All the blood attached to his head.
01:05:04There's no shape to the thing.
01:05:05Look at the size of that collarway. It'd slip through it.
01:05:07Mind you put a pleat in it or a gusset or something like that somewhere.
01:05:11Albert, could you save some water for that tea?
01:05:14Yes.
01:05:15Oh, good.
01:05:18Hey, you can't put him in the water. It's too hot.
01:05:20Too hot? Don't be silly. If anything, it's too cold.
01:05:23You can easily find out.
01:05:24How?
01:05:25What the baby is.
01:05:26If he turns red, it's too hot. If he turns blue, it's too cold.
01:05:29If he turns red, it's too hot.
01:05:31You're thinking of lobsters. This is a baby.
01:05:34In any case, look at him. How are you sure what color he'd turn?
01:05:37Go on, give me a thermometer.
01:05:38You don't want a thermometer.
01:05:39Hey, what are you going to do?
01:05:41Try it with me elbow.
01:05:42Who's having this bath? You or the baby?
01:05:44That's quite right. My mother always used to put her elbow in the water.
01:05:47Yeah, but your mother's elbow wasn't as dirty as his.
01:05:49Go on, give me a thermometer.
01:05:50My mother never had a thermometer when I was a baby.
01:05:52When you were a baby, thermometers weren't invented.
01:05:55Too hot? Why, it's lovely. Come on, darling.
01:05:58Come on, try the water. See if you like it.
01:06:01It's beautiful, isn't it, eh?
01:06:03Of course it is.
01:06:04It's all right, we don't want a thermometer.
01:06:05Yeah, I told you.
01:06:06Listen, you get on with your millinery, will you? I'll attend to this.
01:06:08Now then, come on, baby-wavy.
01:06:11That's right. Have some nice water poured around his little chubby-wubby.
01:06:15That's it. Now, where's the soapy-woopy? Where is it?
01:06:18Here we are. That's it.
01:06:21Now, shut your eyes, if I say.
01:06:23Come on, shut them tight, eh?
01:06:26Hey, what are you making all that noise for?
01:06:28I wasn't disturbing anybody.
01:06:33Is anybody trying to help?
01:06:34Well, take it up on deck and do it.
01:06:37Don't make it so big, either.
01:06:39Come on. Come on. That's it, nice.
01:06:45There we are. There's a nice, clean little chap.
01:06:48I hope. It's so difficult to tell, isn't it?
01:06:51Got any powder?
01:06:52You mean gum powder?
01:06:53Yeah. I want to dust him down, not blow him up.
01:06:56Oh, dusting powder.
01:06:57Yes.
01:07:00I've got some flour.
01:07:02Oh, come on, let's have it.
01:07:04That's right. That's right.
01:07:09Don't match, do we?
01:07:10No, I don't. Here, give me some cocoa.
01:07:13All right. All right.
01:07:16Yes, yes.
01:07:19All right. Baby shall have cocoa.
01:07:21If he doesn't want, she wants, eh?
01:07:25Shut up. That's the way you've done.
01:07:27Why don't you leave it alone?
01:07:29Poor little thing. It looks frightened.
01:07:31Frightened? I don't think it is frightened with a face like yours in front of it.
01:07:34All right. All right.
01:07:38All right.
01:07:40Yes, yes. All right, darling. All right.
01:07:44There we are.
01:07:46Yes, yes. Yes, yes.
01:07:51All right.
01:07:53Daddy won't be long now.
01:07:56There we are.
01:07:58There's a nice, steamy, weeny little baby.
01:08:05Governor. Governor.
01:08:09Hey, hey, hey. Don't make a noise.
01:08:10Baby's going to sleepy-weepy.
01:08:12Never mind about your sleepy-weepy.
01:08:13You listen to those drummies while he's on the banky-wanky.
01:08:15Quiet.
01:08:16Drums?
01:08:17Yes. Listen to them.
01:08:19What are they saying now?
01:08:20I don't know. They're too fast for me to read.
01:08:22Shh. I know what it is.
01:08:24What?
01:08:25Drums.
01:08:26Come outside.
01:08:30Now we're going to copy. The tribes are rising.
01:08:33It's a good job we left when we did.
01:08:34Never mind. When the soldiers get there, they'll settle all that.
01:08:36Oh, look, a pigeon.
01:08:37Where?
01:08:38Look, it's got a message on its leg.
01:08:44Well, don't stand there waving your arms. Ask it to come down.
01:08:56Hey, hey, hey. What are you making that noise for?
01:08:58I can't whistle, but I can keep.
01:08:59Well, shut up. It won't come down if you hiss it.
01:09:01I got it. Here it is.
01:09:04Take the message off its leg.
01:09:05Hurry up. Hurry up. What's he saying?
01:09:07Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
01:09:13Send all soldiers on.
01:09:15Well, that's our little message to come back.
01:09:17That's right. That's the pigeon I sent.
01:09:19Well, why didn't it go there?
01:09:21I don't know. Must have lost its way.
01:09:22Must have lost it.
01:09:23Well, why didn't you send a parrot? Then it could have asked.
01:09:43Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:44Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:45Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:46Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:47Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:48Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:49Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:50Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:51Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:52Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:53Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:54Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:55Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:56Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:57Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:58Hey, hey, hey.
01:09:59Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:00Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:01Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:02Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:03Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:04Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:05Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:06Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:07Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:08Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:09Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:10Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:11Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:12Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:13Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:14Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:15Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:16Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:17Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:18Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:19Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:20Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:21Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:22Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:23Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:24Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:25Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:26Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:27Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:28Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:29Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:30Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:31Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:32Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:33Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:34Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:35Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:36Hey, hey, hey.
01:10:38He's the baby!
01:10:40Ooh, I suppose he needs to...
01:10:53Well, where is everybody?
01:10:54Where is everybody?
01:11:00Where have you been all this time? Why don't you obey orders when I send them?
01:11:03But, Lord, I...
01:11:04I don't want any excuses. Sound the assembly.
01:11:05But, Lord, I...
01:11:06Don't answer me back. Sound the assembly.
01:11:11Well, where are they all?
01:11:12On leave, Lord.
01:11:12On leave? Well, who sent them on leave?
01:11:14You did, Lord.
01:11:15I did? What are you talking about?
01:11:16Lord, here is your radiographical communication.
01:11:19It says send soldiers on leave immediately.
01:11:21Well, I know what it says.
01:11:22Yeah, but it didn't mean that, you idiot. It says send all soldiers on.
01:11:25Full stop. Leave immediately.
01:11:27I mean, this is all your fault, you and your suburbans for making short.
01:11:30Well, you'd better get them all back, quick.
01:11:31Lord Hamilton and Bossambo, I've already gone to do that.
01:11:34He left you this note.
01:11:47Oh, dear.
01:11:48What is that?
01:11:48Well, Hamilton's order just...
01:11:50He's particularly requested me to take full command in his absence.
01:11:52Do you know which way he went?
01:11:53Yes, Lord. Through the forest.
01:11:54Oh, well, you'd better run after him and tell him we're back
01:11:56and say that we've got a lot of trouble behind us and he'd better hurry.
01:11:59Well, go on and run all the way. Go on.
01:12:00Here, here, take it. I'll... I'll go with you.
01:12:02No, you won't. No, you won't.
01:12:03I don't see why we should stay here holding the baby.
01:12:06Well, we're not going to hold the baby.
01:12:07You take it and put it in the safe. Go on, take it.
01:12:08What?
01:12:09It'll suffocate.
01:12:10Never mind. Keep it oiled. Go on.
01:12:14Here, here, here.
01:12:16Listen to them drums.
01:12:18Well, what are they saying now?
01:12:20They're going to sweep all white men into the sea.
01:12:22Oh, Lord, that means us.
01:12:24No, you'll be safe enough as long as you don't have a watch.
01:12:26Come in here. Call Albert.
01:12:27What for?
01:12:28We can run after Abbeybrook.
01:12:29Oh, yes. Do you know which way he's gone?
01:12:31No.
01:12:32Well, what's the matter, then? We can't get chased around all over Africa.
01:12:34We might run into the enemy.
01:12:35Oh, I've got another idea.
01:12:36What?
01:12:36We'll wait here till they come and then you give yourself up.
01:12:38Me give myself up? What for?
01:12:40Well, you started all the trouble.
01:12:41Yes, I'm going to start some more trouble in a minute, too.
01:12:43We'll put this place in the state of defense. Albert?
01:12:45Lord, you can hear those drums.
01:12:47It's said they're going to...
01:12:50You got any rifles?
01:12:51I don't know.
01:12:51You got any ammunition?
01:12:52I don't know.
01:12:53You don't know anything at all.
01:12:54Well, we've got to get something.
01:12:55There's 10,000 cannibals coming to sweep us into the sea.
01:12:57What have we got in store?
01:12:58A nice long swim.
01:12:59Yes.
01:13:00Well, that's all that for you, but I only swim a little.
01:13:02Well, where's everything kept?
01:13:03Up in the guardhouse on the stockade.
01:13:04What are we doing down here, then?
01:13:07Where's the key?
01:13:08On a wreath.
01:13:09Well, where's the wreath?
01:13:09On a chain.
01:13:10Well, where's the chain?
01:13:11On Abbeybrook.
01:13:11Well, how are we going to get in, then?
01:13:13Up the door, take, Lord.
01:13:14Oh.
01:13:15What are you doing?
01:13:15I don't care, will you?
01:13:18Well, if Indygun's here, all we're going to do
01:13:19is get him up on the stockade.
01:13:20Yes.
01:13:21Here, you take that.
01:13:22Right.
01:13:23Here, that's two for you.
01:13:24Here, here, here.
01:13:25Have a look down here, see if it's loaded, will you?
01:13:27Yes, sir.
01:13:28You silly old fool.
01:13:29What are you trying to do, kill me?
01:13:31Don't you know you should never point a gun at anybody?
01:13:32Sorry.
01:13:33That's all right, they're not loaded.
01:13:34Yeah, but he didn't know that, did he?
01:13:35No, we should have known by now, though, wouldn't we?
01:13:37Of course you would.
01:13:37Give that to me.
01:13:38You're not in shape for this.
01:13:39Where's the ammunition?
01:13:40Over there.
01:13:42Oh, look, there's plenty.
01:13:43All right, well, come on, let's get up on the stockade.
01:13:45Oh, here's a bit of luck, Roman candles.
01:13:47Let's send a signal.
01:13:48Well, hey, don't mess about with those.
01:13:50They're sticks of dynamite.
01:13:50Yeah, tell him what we can do.
01:13:51What?
01:13:52Climb up the natives.
01:13:53Yeah, but you're supposed to throw them back.
01:13:54I'll put them back in a box.
01:13:55Eh?
01:13:55I'll collect them.
01:13:56You'll collect them.
01:13:57You carry them.
01:13:58And don't drop them, otherwise we'll
01:13:59collect you with a brush and shovel.
01:14:05Oh, listen.
01:14:06I know, the drums are getting nearer.
01:14:07Yes, but they are.
01:14:08They're only about half a mile away.
01:14:09Oh, I've got an idea.
01:14:10Well, look, there's some sand down there.
01:14:12Now, if we had some fires, we could make some sandbags.
01:14:13If we had a bit of barbed wire.
01:14:15Yeah, what's barbed wire got to do with sandbags?
01:14:17Put it along the top.
01:14:18Why don't you put something along the top of something
01:14:19you haven't got underneath?
01:14:20I shouldn't wonder.
01:14:21Listen, you go and find a hat.
01:14:22The moon's affecting you.
01:14:24We've got to dig a second line of defense,
01:14:25so we'll make a trench down there, you see?
01:14:27Now, what'll go get them to?
01:14:28What for?
01:14:28To dig the sand with.
01:14:29Then we need a bucket to space.
01:14:31Listen, you go and find a bucket and kick it.
01:14:33We're making a trench, not sand castles.
01:14:37Oh, look, the trench's already dug.
01:14:39The trench?
01:14:40Yeah, well, it's a drain.
01:14:41Same thing.
01:14:42Well, where is it?
01:14:43Here.
01:14:43Where?
01:14:45What?
01:14:45What, this thing?
01:14:46Yeah, this is no good.
01:14:47You can't even get your feet in it.
01:14:49Listen, I've got a better idea.
01:14:50We'll make this into a landmine.
01:14:51Well, what's the good of that?
01:14:52Well, when they break in through the gates,
01:14:54we can blow them out again.
01:14:55Harbottle?
01:14:56I'm coming.
01:14:57Drop that spade and bring the dynamite down.
01:14:59Right.
01:15:00Hey, you silly old fool, what are you trying to do?
01:15:02Dig a hole in me?
01:15:03Stop laughing, pal.
01:15:05Come and show me how you're going to make this landmine.
01:15:07Well, I'm going to bury the dynamite in here, you see?
01:15:09Then run a wire from here to the residency
01:15:10and blow it up from there.
01:15:11Well, what's the good of that if we're on the stockade?
01:15:13Sammy, haven't you got any intelligence at all?
01:15:15The time we blow this up, we won't be up on the stockade.
01:15:17At least I can't.
01:15:18Where's that dynamite?
01:15:19Here.
01:15:20Here.
01:15:21Hey!
01:15:22Here, catch.
01:15:23Hey, don't you drop that, you silly old fool.
01:15:25You'll blow us sky high.
01:15:26Carry it.
01:15:27Bring it down the ladder.
01:15:28Here.
01:15:29I'll start to crawl.
01:15:29No, no, you won't.
01:15:30No, you won't.
01:15:31I don't know which to hold first, the ladder or the dynamite.
01:15:34Well, stick the dynamite between your stomach and the ladder.
01:15:37That's it.
01:15:38That's your idea.
01:15:39Yes.
01:15:39Now, hang on with both hands.
01:15:40Yes.
01:15:41Now, lower yourself down gently.
01:15:42OK.
01:15:43Now, mind where you put your foot.
01:15:44I can fall.
01:15:44I can fall.
01:15:45No, you won't.
01:15:46No, you won't.
01:15:47Don't keep saying that.
01:15:47Say, I can't fall.
01:15:48I can't fall.
01:15:49I shall.
01:15:50I shall.
01:15:50You're doing probably all right, will you?
01:15:51Now, hang on with your left hand.
01:15:53Now, let your right foot down with it.
01:15:54Hold on to your foot.
01:15:56Now, let your left foot down with your right hand.
01:15:58Now, steady yourself with the other hand.
01:15:59Hold on to that hand.
01:16:00Hold on to that dynamite.
01:16:01Don't keep telling me things.
01:16:03It's certainly right if I didn't let it drop there.
01:16:05Oh, sorry.
01:16:08Oh, boy.
01:16:08I thought we were gone at that time.
01:16:10I mean, if that stuff had blown us up,
01:16:11I wouldn't have to slosh that old fool.
01:16:13Well, come on.
01:16:14We've got to unpack that dynamite and get it in the trench.
01:16:15All right, then.
01:16:15Be careful.
01:16:16Yes.
01:16:17Come on.
01:16:20Oh, here, wait a minute.
01:16:21We've got to get a wire from here to the residency.
01:16:23Oh, yes.
01:16:23Yes, I've got a wire.
01:16:25Have you?
01:16:25Good.
01:16:26Will it go from here to the residency?
01:16:27Should do.
01:16:28It came from London here.
01:16:29Listen, you're not that kind of wire, you fungus.
01:16:31Wire wire.
01:16:32Oh, look here, sir.
01:16:33Ah, that's the village short.
01:16:34Oh, there.
01:16:35Now I've got to keep up the fine, sir.
01:16:36Well, we've got it now, haven't we?
01:16:38Listen, why don't you say good night to everybody
01:16:39and close yourself down?
01:16:40Help patch some of this dynamite in the trench.
01:16:42No, you'd better leave it alone.
01:16:43You go back on the stockade and keep watch.
01:16:45I'll never tell you anything, Lloyd.
01:16:46I can't.
01:16:47Always in the wrong eye, and you always pick on me.
01:16:49Oh, listen.
01:16:51What's the matter?
01:16:52I can't hear anything.
01:16:53Well, what did you ask me to listen for?
01:16:54The dams are stopped.
01:16:55Well, maybe they've knocked off the shopper.
01:16:57No, more likely getting ready for the attack.
01:16:58Look, listen, let's hurry.
01:17:00Come on.
01:17:01You take that end of the wire to the residency
01:17:02and connect it up to something, and I'll bury this end here.
01:17:04All right.
01:17:05Go on.
01:17:06Off you go.
01:17:06Oh.
01:17:12Oh.
01:17:13You.
01:17:25Well, what are you trying to say?
01:17:26Canoes.
01:17:27Canoes?
01:17:28Where?
01:17:29What, up in the air?
01:17:30No.
01:17:31River.
01:17:32On the river?
01:17:33Well, we'd better get to our stations, then.
01:17:34Albert, is there here?
01:17:43And don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes.
01:17:56Canoes coming down the river.
01:17:57Why didn't you tell me it was them?
01:17:59Hey, I thought I told you to go home.
01:18:01What are you following me about?
01:18:02Besides, I'm busy.
01:18:03They didn't mean this, Wally.
01:18:05No, they're not coming in.
01:18:12Hey, hey, hey, you can't come in here.
01:18:13Get outside at once.
01:18:14No, no.
01:18:15No, you don't know how to stop.
01:18:17I've told you before, I don't want to.
01:18:18Hey, what do you have there for me?
01:18:19I don't have anything hidden.
01:18:20What do you mean, hidden?
01:18:21I didn't have them hidden at all.
01:18:22They came after me.
01:18:23Say, what do you use, anesthesia?
01:18:25Listen, I don't want any talks with you.
01:18:26You get them under cover.
01:18:27Go on.
01:18:27Sit down.
01:18:28Hey, I'll do that.
01:18:29No, you won't.
01:18:30You stand where you are.
01:18:32And keep that gun pointed the other way.
01:18:36You'd better come in.
01:18:37Oh, there's nothing to worry about.
01:18:39They won't attack before dawn.
01:18:41Let me, it's later than I thought.
01:18:43Albert, Albert, come on, quick, shut the gate.
01:18:47Give me your hand.
01:18:48Come on, Tommy.
01:18:49Right out of the way.
01:18:50Here, give me a leg off the landmine.
01:18:52Well, you fool, we're standing right on top of it.
01:18:55Oh.
01:18:59Just in time.
01:19:00Well, up you go.
01:19:07Tommy, there's millions of them.
01:19:10You've done something with that gin still?
01:19:12Don't mind about the gin.
01:19:13She'll go on.
01:19:14Shoot, shoot.
01:19:20Well, I hope the soldiers turn up soon.
01:19:22Oh, we've got to carry on until they do, haven't we?
01:19:23Yes, it's easier to say, carry on.
01:19:25Well, other people have had to do it.
01:19:26Well, you've heard of the, the lethal lady, haven't you?
01:19:28I didn't know she was ill.
01:19:29Yeah, didn't know she was ill.
01:19:31Ha, Tommy, she's been dead for years.
01:19:33You let me do the thinking, and you'll be all right.
01:19:34Yeah, that's all right, until those blokes find out
01:19:36there's only three of us.
01:19:38Well, they mustn't find out.
01:19:39Here, follow me.
01:19:41Padre, Master.
01:19:43Llama, Llama.
01:19:44Padre, Master.
01:19:45Llama, Llama.
01:19:46Padre.
01:19:47It's only, it's only the resident of the Zangari.
01:19:56Even so, we are ten to their one.
01:19:59Stand at the door.
01:20:01Very well, Sergeant, carry on.
01:20:03Good.
01:20:10Hey, company, attention.
01:20:12Come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:20:15And turn back.
01:20:17Llama.
01:20:19We're coming.
01:20:20Speed, company.
01:20:21500 yards.
01:20:22Aye.
01:20:24Ready?
01:20:25Fire.
01:20:29Oh, they're trying to break the door down.
01:20:31Oh, they can't do that.
01:20:32That's government property.
01:20:33If they want to come in, they've got to climb over the top
01:20:35where we can get at them.
01:20:39Albert, come with me.
01:20:40I'll bother them.
01:20:41Keep letting up and down the firing
01:20:42and make it look like a lot.
01:20:54Hey, curve.
01:20:55Very well, Sergeant, carry on.
01:20:57Brilliant!
01:20:58Four, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight,
01:21:01eight, two, two back, two back, two back, two back.
01:21:05Drop, drop, drop, drop.
01:21:17icular!
01:21:18Very well, sergeant. Carry on.
01:21:19And forward.
01:21:21Left, right, left, right, left, right, left...
01:21:30Hey, wait a minute.
01:21:35Oh, they're going for the doors again.
01:21:37Well, they can't do that. They haven't got the battery lamp with them.
01:21:39Oh, what was that?
01:21:40Oh, that's the battery in the van they haven't got.
01:21:42Oh, Arbuckle! Arbuckle!
01:21:44Come here, come here. Keep firing at them. Fire as fast as you can.
01:21:46All right, all right.
01:21:47Oh, I can't. The plug's come out.
01:21:49Well, it's in the pulley so hard.
01:21:53Oh, the doors are giving way.
01:21:55Well, we'll have to go to the residency and blow up the landmine from there.
01:21:57What shall I do with this?
01:21:58Throw it away and get three more.
01:22:00Right.
01:22:05Hurry up, Arbuckle!
01:22:15There, over the old pool's done.
01:22:19Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:22:21What's the matter?
01:22:22I've sat in some Zintex.
01:22:23Don't you jolly well run. I hope you're full of it.
01:22:25Zintex. Zintex.
01:22:26Get a knife here. Go on, bring them out.
01:22:28Bring them out.
01:22:29Here we are.
01:22:31Good. Come on.
01:22:32Help me to spread them about all over the place.
01:22:34All right.
01:22:35Come on.
01:22:36Help.
01:22:37Oh, well, let me get a hand.
01:22:38Let me get a hand.
01:22:39Go on, spread them about.
01:22:44Help!
01:22:45Why don't you jump in between them?
01:22:46I can't.
01:22:48Come on, all around here.
01:22:49All right.
01:22:50Plenty of them.
01:22:51Spread them about.
01:22:59Open.
01:23:04Open.
01:23:28Quick, the landmines.
01:23:29Why did they quit?
01:23:35What's happened to the mine?
01:23:37Nothing.
01:23:38You forgot to put the dynamite in.
01:23:39Don't be ridiculous.
01:23:40You could not put the dynamite in.
01:23:41Well, why isn't it going up?
01:23:42Well, how do I know?
01:23:43Maybe the wire broke.
01:23:44Well, make up your mind.
01:23:45I can't hold it off by myself.
01:23:46Well, look it.
01:23:47You blow fire from the other window,
01:23:48and I'll find out what happened to the wire.
01:24:01Quick.
01:24:02Give me some water.
01:24:03Quick.
01:24:04Give me something to protect me head.
01:24:06Here, hang this on.
01:24:08All right.
01:24:09Now, you keep firing.
01:24:10And fire high, because I'm not going to set your jaw in.
01:24:24Stop!
01:24:25Stop!
01:24:26Stop!
01:24:30Hey, I thought I told you to fire high.
01:24:34What are you waiting for?
01:24:36Forward.
01:24:37Stop.
01:24:38Inbox.
01:24:49Don't get ahead of me.
01:24:50What?
01:24:51You keep your distance.
01:24:52You had your turn.
01:24:59Stop.
01:25:00Stop.
01:25:01Stop.
01:25:02Stop.
01:25:03Stop.
01:25:04Stop.
01:25:05Stop.
01:25:06Stop.
01:25:07Stop.
01:25:08Stop.
01:25:09Stop.
01:25:10That was a near one.
01:25:11Did you throw that spear?
01:25:12Yes, Lord.
01:25:13And I wish I had done it sooner.
01:25:14Well, better late than never.
01:25:16Well, throw the body into the crocodiles.
01:25:19Ah, Captain Hamilton, I presume.
01:25:20Well, I never expected to find you alive.
01:25:22Oh, yes.
01:25:23We pulled through, yes.
01:25:24I had intended to give you a good dressing down.
01:25:25I suppose now I ought to congratulate you.
01:25:26Well, what about celebrating?
01:25:27Yes.
01:25:28Stop.
01:25:29Stop.
01:25:30What?
01:25:31A bottle?
01:25:32Yes.
01:25:33It's a good thing we arrived what we did
01:25:34with women and children here.
01:25:35Oh, I still have the lace on my sleeve.
01:25:36A landmine.
01:25:37A landmine?
01:25:38Yes, connected to that switch over there.
01:25:39Oh.
01:25:40Oh.
01:25:41Oh.
01:25:42Oh.
01:25:43Oh.
01:25:44Oh.
01:25:45Oh.
01:25:46Oh.
01:25:47Oh.
01:25:48Oh.
01:25:49Oh.
01:25:50Oh.
01:25:51Oh.
01:25:52Oh.
01:25:53Oh.
01:25:54Oh.
01:25:55Oh.
01:25:56Oh.
01:25:57Oh.
01:25:58Oh.
01:25:59Oh.
01:26:00Oh.
01:26:01Oh.
01:26:02Oh.
01:26:03Oh.
01:26:04Oh.
01:26:05Oh.
01:26:06Oh.
01:26:07Oh.
01:26:08Oh.
01:26:09Oh.
01:26:10Oh.
01:26:11Oh.
01:26:12Oh.
01:26:13Oh.
01:26:14Oh.
01:26:15Oh.
01:26:16Oh.
01:26:17Oh.
01:26:18Oh.
01:26:19Oh.
01:26:20Oh.
01:26:21Oh.
01:26:22Oh.
01:26:23Oh.
01:26:24Oh.
01:26:25Oh.
01:26:26Oh.
01:26:27Oh.
01:26:28Oh.