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00:00And now a man who likes to visit children's hospitals
00:03in his spare time and steal the medication.
00:30Greg Proops!
00:40Hello, my ungrateful cabbages, and welcome to Versus,
00:43the show that brings together two rival teams
00:45and pits them against one another
00:47in mortal intellectual combat.
00:50You don't have to be a genius or even smart
00:52or even a comedian to play this show tonight.
00:55It's tragically hip versus hip replacements.
01:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:02Oh, be still, my beating heart.
01:05We've met the teams.
01:07Now let's kill the players. Joe!
01:10First, for the comedy legends, there's Kip Adada.
01:13He once opened for Milton Berle,
01:15and he couldn't sit down for two weeks.
01:20Then there's Shelly Berman.
01:22He still performs regularly, thanks to Metamucil.
01:26Finally, there's Fred Travolina.
01:29He's been making people laugh for over 20 years.
01:32Unfortunately, he's been doing comedy for 40 years.
01:36And there they are, the comedy legends.
01:40Say hello to Patton Oswalt.
01:43He's never been accused of stealing a joke
01:45because he doesn't use any in his act.
01:49Next, there's Sarah Silverman.
01:51This isn't the first time she's been sandwiched
01:53between two comics.
01:57And finally, there's Blaine Kapatch.
02:00He got all his clothes and half his jokes
02:02at Stephen Wright's garage sale.
02:04And those are the alternative comics.
02:07It's standing room only, and I can't get a table.
02:11There are no tables at alternative comedy clubs, Joe.
02:14Crap.
02:15I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it,
02:18And finally, it's comedy Armageddon,
02:20ladies and gentlemen.
02:22Old School vs. Young Turks.
02:24Hey, hey.
02:25Oh, yeah.
02:26We're gonna start things off
02:27with some general knowledge questions.
02:29Everyone has a chance to ring in,
02:31and every correct answer is worth 100 skitcheons.
02:34If you get it wrong, don't freak out.
02:36You don't lose any points,
02:37but the other team has a chance to confer.
02:39And take what you thought was yours.
02:41All eyes gaze in breathless wonder
02:44at the majesty of the Versus board.
02:46Comedians, here's our first subject.
02:49Movies, and the category's M.
02:53For the first time,
02:54it wasn't a Caucasian to celebrate.
02:58You were right.
02:59And...
03:01Smile, and the whole world recoils in horror.
03:05Alternative comics,
03:06you won the coin toss backstage,
03:08which is, of course, your fee as well.
03:10You pick the first category, Patton.
03:12Peas and carrots, peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
03:15I'm gonna take, uh,
03:16Smile, and the whole world recoils in horror.
03:18All right.
03:19And may I remind you not to use
03:20false, weird dialogue underneath things.
03:22Here we go.
03:25What gnarly-toothed British international man of mystery
03:29did Mike Myers play in his 1997 movie of the same name?
03:33Sarah.
03:34Oh, Austin Powers.
03:36Is correct.
03:38Yeah.
03:41Yeah.
03:42Rolling along.
03:44Winning in 1963 for the film,
03:46Lilies of the Field,
03:48who was the first African-American actor
03:50to win an Academy Award?
03:52Kip, Adada.
03:53That would be Sidney Poitier.
03:55I'm over here, and it is Sidney Poitier.
03:58I'm joking, I'm joking.
04:00It's in the round, it's in the round.
04:02I know.
04:03I apologize.
04:04There's no redoing.
04:05But if I may,
04:06I think it's knowingly rather than canowingly.
04:09Ah, yes.
04:11Thank you for that correction.
04:12I appreciate that.
04:13Are you familiar with your opponents?
04:15Uh, am I supposed to be?
04:18Perhaps after the show we can work something out.
04:20Well, I think they're fine young people,
04:22and God knows they're going to be worthy opponents.
04:26Up yours, Kip.
04:31Let's move to our next subject, if we will.
04:33Big money.
04:34And we will.
04:35Big money.
04:36Here we go.
04:37Politics.
04:38And the categories are...
04:41Do you?
04:42Netanyahu?
04:45And presidents who had trouble sustaining an election.
04:49Whoa.
04:51Well, well, well.
04:52Kip, you're formidable.
04:54You're sage and you're wise.
04:56Will you choose from the board, my precious?
04:58I would say presidents who had trouble sustaining an election.
05:02And you have just said it.
05:03Here we go.
05:04In 1987, what model was seen with presidential hopeful Gary Hart,
05:08causing him to withdraw from the race?
05:11Patton.
05:13Uh, um, Donna Rice?
05:16Donna Rice is correct.
05:18That was so fun.
05:20And the crime did not expire.
05:23And he got in just in time.
05:25As did Gary.
05:26Here we go.
05:27What is the collective name for the Israeli parliament?
05:31Shelley.
05:32The Knesset.
05:33That is true.
05:34The Knesset is right.
05:37Here we go to our next subject, which is sports.
05:41And the categories are...
05:43The halfback of Notre Dame and rectum.
05:47It nearly killed him.
05:50Whose choice is it?
05:51I don't know.
05:52Shelley, you have the eye of the tiger.
05:54Will you choose?
05:55Yes.
05:56Well, I'm very fond of rectums.
05:59It nearly killed him.
06:01All right.
06:02I'm not going to delve.
06:04Here we are.
06:05What New York Yankee slugger had successful colon cancer surgery
06:09just before the 1998 World Series?
06:13Shelley.
06:14It was Joe Torre.
06:16No.
06:18It was not.
06:19Anybody?
06:20Nobody?
06:21Nothing.
06:22All right, Fred.
06:23Daryl Strawberry?
06:24It was.
06:25It was, but you already had the answer wrong once,
06:27so I'm afraid I can't allow it.
06:30But that's where the hilarity comes in.
06:34What legendary Norwegian-born Notre Dame football coach
06:37racked up 105 victories before his death in 1931?
06:42Shelley.
06:43Knut Raks.
06:44Is correct.
06:45Yeah!
06:46Yeah!
06:47Yeah!
06:48Knut!
06:49Knut!
06:50Whoo!
06:51Well, apparently sports is not something you guys spend your idle hours viewing.
06:56Well, we're going to try for bongs in comic books,
06:58but we'll go with this one, which is world geography.
07:02Yes.
07:03Watch my wig.
07:06And the two categories are, yes, Russian to judgment,
07:11and you call it a nervous groin.
07:13I call it a ball tick.
07:16Ball tick.
07:21And again, you were correct.
07:23So, who was the last person to answer anything, Ron?
07:25I think it was you, Shelley.
07:26Why don't you choose?
07:27How about Russian to judgment?
07:28All right, here we go.
07:30What's the place where the Soviets exiled political prisoners?
07:33What 4 million square mile area is sandwiched between the Ural Mountains and the Pacific?
07:38Otten.
07:39Siberia.
07:40Siberia is correct.
07:41Yeah!
07:42Whoo!
07:43See, that's what I mean.
07:44That's what I warned you about.
07:46That's the boxing scene.
07:48That was for you risk players out there.
07:51And here's another one for you.
07:52Irkoust.
07:53Okay.
07:54You call it a nervous groin.
07:55I call it a ball tick.
07:56In the Baltic, bounded by nine northern European countries,
07:59the Baltic Sea is an arm of what ocean?
08:03Shell.
08:05Adriatic.
08:06No, that is not correct.
08:07Ocean.
08:10Well, you have four choices.
08:11Go for one, Blaine.
08:12Indian.
08:13No.
08:14Yeah!
08:15I think you'll find that Europe is very, very far from the Indian Ocean.
08:20Up yours, Blaine.
08:23Yeah!
08:27At the end of round one, frivolity and brotherhood prevail.
08:32The score, 300 to 300.
08:34But stick around, because when we get back, it's going to get super ugly.
08:38Stay where you are.
08:41Oh!
08:42Oh!
08:43Oh!
08:44Oh!
08:45Oh!
08:46Oh!
08:47Oh!
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh!
08:50Oh!
08:51Oh!
08:52Oh!
08:53Oh!
08:54Oh!
08:55Oh!
08:56Oh!
08:57Oh!
08:58Oh!
08:59Oh!
09:00Oh!
09:01Oh!
09:02Oh!
09:03Welcome back, I'm Bobby Van.
09:04After the...
09:06After the general knowledge round, it's a tie.
09:10300 to 300.
09:12How are you guys hanging in there?
09:13I'm fine, but you know, I knew Bobby Van, and believe me, you're no Bobby Van.
09:18I appreciate that.
09:20He can dance as well.
09:22Patton, how's it going over there?
09:24And I'll turn it to Blaine.
09:26Well, it's, you know, kind of...
09:28Yeah, that's about how it goes over there.
09:31All right.
09:32Now, the questions are going to focus on both of your very, very different demands.
09:37Here are five questions written for each team.
09:40If you answer a question in your category, it's worth $200 million.
09:44If you answer a question from the other team's category, it's worth $400 million.
09:48A wrong answer costs you $200.
09:50Because this is a timed round, there is strategy involved.
09:54Since the score is tied, the comedy legends will choose first.
09:58Yeah.
10:00And one person is wildly excited.
10:02You can pick from your side of the board,
10:04or you can poach a question from your opponent's side.
10:07Your choices are...
10:10Take my lease, please.
10:12Or lie down on the couch and open up for me.
10:18Fred Travolina, I worship at your mic.
10:21Will you choose?
10:22Yeah, comedy legends.
10:25Okay, here we go.
10:28Finally closing in 1998,
10:30what 1,200-room hotel was known as the biggest of the big Catskill resorts?
10:36Kip?
10:37Grossinger's.
10:38No, I'm afraid it's not Grossinger's.
10:42Young People?
10:44Freddie Roman?
10:46Dick Shawn?
10:47Toadie Fields?
10:48Anyone?
10:49Do we get a chance to go back?
10:50Well, why don't you get it?
10:51I'm not giving you the points before we start the turmoil.
10:53But go on, you know the answer it is.
10:55The Concord.
10:56The Concord.
10:57That's what I was trying to think of.
10:58But Grossinger's came out of your mouth.
10:59But you said time limit.
11:01What? I didn't say time limit.
11:05This is worse than being with my grandfather.
11:10You better...
11:11Hey!
11:13You better give me a $5 bill at the end of this.
11:16I know who your grandfather is.
11:19And he's no Bobby Van.
11:20Yeah, that's true.
11:22Solomon Proops.
11:23Here's the new category.
11:25A Few Good Mench.
11:27All right, Fred, you choose again.
11:30How about A Few Good Mench?
11:32All right, how about it?
11:33Mel Brooks, Mel Tolkien, and Woody Allen
11:35were a few of the comics who wrote for what classic
11:38NBC variety series that debuted in 1950?
11:42Kip?
11:44The St. Caesar's Show.
11:46Can I take that, Andrew?
11:47Wait a minute, wait a minute.
11:48Show of Shows.
11:49Show of Shows.
11:50Your Show of Shows.
11:51Your Show of Shows.
11:54Woody.
11:57This is wrong!
12:00Yeah, you know that was wrong.
12:02West Coast!
12:03That should have been...
12:04No, that's really...
12:06You know why, Kip?
12:08You know why? Ageism.
12:09I see.
12:10A technicality.
12:11You notice how short my short question was correct
12:13and mine was incorrect.
12:15I think you've been doing too much imaging cook-up.
12:17Here we go.
12:19New category.
12:20It's better to be slicing roast beef than slapping ham.
12:23There are two minutes left.
12:25Sarah, you're beguiling, you're alluring,
12:27and the writers want to marry you.
12:29Will you choose?
12:30Lie down on the couch and open up for me.
12:32I believe I shall.
12:33What animated Comedy Central show
12:35features the guest voices of alternative comics
12:38revealing their neuroses to a low-key psychologist?
12:42Patton Oswalt.
12:44Dr. Katz.
12:45That's right!
12:47Rolling on.
12:49New category.
12:50Those are two latte minimum.
12:52We got spirit, how about you?
12:55But no hardcover charge.
12:58Patton, my delightful munchkin, will you choose?
13:01There's less than two minutes left, you guys.
13:03Two latte minimum.
13:04Here we go.
13:05Hurry up.
13:06A popular venue for alternative comedy,
13:07what national bookstore chain was launched
13:09in Ann Arbor, Michigan in 1971?
13:12Borders.
13:13Patton.
13:14Borders.
13:15Is exactly right.
13:16New category.
13:17Alternative lifestyles of the bitchin' famous.
13:21There is one minute left.
13:24Patton, what's it gonna be?
13:25You gonna poach?
13:26Uh, let's stick with our side.
13:29Alternative lifestyles of the bitchin' famous.
13:32Here we go.
13:33What Canadian comic troupe
13:34launched the careers of such alternative comics
13:36as Scott Thompson, David Foley, and Mark McKinney?
13:40Shelley.
13:41SCTV.
13:42No.
13:43Anybody over there?
13:44Patton.
13:45Kids in the Hall.
13:46Is correct.
13:48New category.
13:49Might as well face it, he's the dick that you love.
13:52Patton, what's it gonna be?
13:5330 seconds.
13:54Might as well face it, he's the dick that you love.
13:56On what NBC comedy
13:57does alternative comic Andy Dick
13:59play a neurotic office worker named Matthew?
14:02Patton.
14:03NewsRadio.
14:04Is correct.
14:05New category.
14:06Cross my heart and hope to kill.
14:09What's it gonna be, Patton?
14:10Cross my heart and hope to kill.
14:11Here we go.
14:12Produced by and starring
14:13Bob Odenkirk and David Cross,
14:15what is the name of HBO's cutting-edge sketch show?
14:18Patton.
14:19Mr. Schell.
14:20Is correct.
14:21Nothing left for Comedy Legends.
14:24Time is up.
14:25Raging ahead, the alternative comic 1700,
14:28the original gangster's minus 300.
14:31When we come back, blood will flow.
14:34Do what you do.
14:36Welcome back to Versus.
14:58I'm Mark DiCarlo.
15:00This is what it all boils down to.
15:04The young comics lead the legends.
15:06The winners keep the money.
15:08The losers go home with nothing.
15:10But not exactly nothing.
15:11They get something, don't they, Joe?
15:13That's right.
15:14Each loser will receive
15:16Ashley's comfort lounger and ottoman
15:18in designer leather match fabric,
15:20durable swivel recliner chair
15:22fashioned in a smart contemporary look,
15:24creative styling that adds to any decor from Ashley.
15:28All right, here we go.
15:30It's like herding cats up here,
15:32ladies and gentlemen.
15:35You know, the egos of six comics all together,
15:38or seven, sorry, I forgot.
15:40Forgot to include myself.
15:41Here we go.
15:42Good, good, good.
15:44That is good Teflon, it really is.
15:46It's crunchy and it just makes you forget.
15:48Here we go.
15:49Each of you will get three questions and that's it.
15:51Ring in as soon as you think you know what the answer is.
15:54If you get it right, you win $250.
15:56If you get it wrong, we take away $250 from your total.
15:59All right.
16:00Of the questions in this round
16:01can be answered by one of these three choices.
16:04Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, or Psycho Killer?
16:10I think we understand how it works.
16:12Mr. Travolina and Mr. Oswald stand to Let's Play Versus.
16:17He starred in the 1993 film of The Pickle.
16:21Patton.
16:22Jerry Stiller.
16:23Jerry Stiller.
16:24It was an electrifying performance
16:25when Florida executed one...
16:27Patton.
16:28Psycho Killer.
16:29Psycho Killer.
16:30It was in Permanent Midnight that he gave a...
16:33Patton.
16:34Ben Stiller.
16:35Is correct.
16:36Moving on, gentlemen.
16:38It's a lightning round.
16:42Mr. Silverman.
16:43Mr. Berman.
16:47Wow.
16:48No, I guess not.
16:49I didn't know that.
16:50I can't see to do that.
16:52That's all right.
16:53Listen up.
16:54Here we go.
16:55This is round two.
16:56He made his TV debut playing the violin
16:58on the Mike Douglas show.
16:59Shelly.
17:00Ben Stiller.
17:01Gary Stiller.
17:02Ben Stiller.
17:03Don't correct yourself.
17:04You were right.
17:05Come back in.
17:06He killed more than 36 times on the Ed Sullivan show.
17:10Sarah.
17:11Jerry Stiller.
17:12Jerry Stiller.
17:13Why didn't you say?
17:14What am I, a technician?
17:17No, it's like if it needs to run.
17:19He initially passed up the Seinfeld gig to do a play.
17:23Sarah.
17:24Jerry Stiller.
17:25That is correct.
17:26Moving on.
17:28Lightning round, stand two, Kip.
17:30Mr. Carpice.
17:32Now, am I correct?
17:33I don't have to wait for you to finish the question.
17:35That is correct.
17:36However, you run the risk of erring.
17:39Here we go.
17:40I don't care if he errs.
17:42All right, here we go.
17:43He loved making people laugh as a clown,
17:45but then John Gacy became one of these by...
17:47Kip.
17:48Psycho killer.
17:49Psycho killer.
17:50Qu'est-ce que c'est?
17:51He directed Livewire, Jim Carrey, and The Cable Guy.
17:53Kip.
17:54Ben Stiller.
17:55Is correct with a great sigh.
17:58It contains the passage,
17:59I can't sleep because my bed's on fire.
18:02Kip.
18:03Jerry Stiller.
18:04No.
18:06Wayne.
18:07Psycho killer.
18:08Is correct.
18:10The alternative comments are the winners,
18:12ladies and gentlemen.
18:14I mean, old school go-home decorations.
18:18Come on down, but don't go anywhere
18:20because when we come back,
18:22we're going to make pudding,
18:24and I mean it.
18:26In my pants.
18:28-♪♪♪
18:32-♪♪♪
18:34-♪♪♪
18:37-♪♪♪
18:42Welcome back.
18:43I'm Jeanine Garofalo.
18:44Well, the alternative comics are the winners,
18:46ladies and gentlemen.
18:49Who won that?
18:50There's hatred and there's love.
18:52Wow.
18:53You've won a total of 3,200 clams,
18:55which is, of course, yours to keep.
18:56Now we're going to see if you can't win some more cash.
18:59We're going to actually give our winnings to a charity.
19:02We've decided to give it to a charity.
19:04Really? That's very generous.
19:05Who are you going to give it to?
19:06The comic legends.
19:12It's time for the grand finale.
19:15I will ask you one question.
19:17Get it right, and you'll win a grand.
19:19That's $1,000.
19:20If you get it wrong,
19:21the comedy legends will have one last chance
19:24to take it away from you.
19:26Here are the two subjects you may choose from.
19:2917th century French playwrights
19:32or the films of Margaret Cho.
19:36All right.
19:37What's it going to be, Patton?
19:38We'll take the films of Margaret Cho.
19:41Very well done.
19:43Here's the question.
19:44You have ten seconds to confer,
19:45then give me the answer.
19:46Multi-faceted actress Margaret Cho
19:48skillfully played the role of Wanda
19:50in what 1997 action thriller?
19:55It's time to confer.
19:58While we consider Margaret Cho's oeuvre
20:00and the magnificence therein.
20:02Margaret, if you're watching,
20:03I love you, pumpkin.
20:06All right.
20:07Time is up.
20:10I need your answer, please.
20:12Uh, Face Off?
20:15Face Off is correct, ladies and gentlemen.
20:17They won an extra $1,000.
20:20$1,000 each.
20:22That's right.
20:24Come on down, gentlemen,
20:25the alternative comics.
20:27Carry on.
20:28Tune in next time
20:29when Mines Battle Street performers
20:31produce change.
20:33I knell, and then I plot.
20:36Peace out.
20:38The alternative comics will also receive
20:41Ricardo Beverly Hills'
20:42exciting Big Sur wheelaboard.
20:45Holistic strength built to last,
20:47designed with patented suit garment features.
20:49Fashion luggage can be serious travel.
20:52From Ricardo Beverly Hills.
20:55Promotional consideration provided by
20:58Elegance and Convenience are combined
20:59in the Bush Entertainment Center
21:01with tempered glass doors
21:02adjusted to your taste.
21:04Elegance and Convenience are combined
21:05in the Bush Entertainment Center
21:07with tempered glass doors,
21:08adjustable shelves,
21:09and concealed storage
21:10for all your CDs.
21:11From Bush Furniture.
21:14A VTech 900 megahertz cordless telephone
21:16with two-line capability
21:17and alphanumeric call waiting caller ID.
21:20Performance and technology
21:21that you can clearly hear.
21:22From VTech.
21:25Up next, it's another episode
21:27of Comedy Central's Versus.
21:29It's a game show that pits
21:30two rival teams against each other
21:32in intellectual combat.
21:35Hi, I'm Kelly Corsette,
21:38the host for this week's
21:39Comedy Central Versus.
21:40I am a father of six,
21:42and I just don't believe
21:44that my kids are better than me.
21:46But I'm sure one day
21:47they'll be a little smarter
21:48and become a better person.
21:50I'm sure one day
21:53they'll become a better person.
21:56And they will.
21:57Thanks for watching.
21:58See you next time.
22:04you