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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, take him and cut him out into little stars, and
00:00:17he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:24who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:30who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:36who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:40who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:44who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:50who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:54who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:00:58who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:01:02who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:01:06who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:01:10who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight,
00:01:14who will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with the knight.
00:01:20You show me the girls, I lower the bells.
00:01:22You are pig-eyed.
00:01:24Anyway, I've seen them before.
00:01:26What? You have not.
00:01:36Have now.
00:01:43Good morning, Mr. Fluffy.
00:01:46Woody, are you up yet?
00:01:48Oh, yeah.
00:01:58Morning, Daddy.
00:02:00I have some mail for you, princess.
00:02:02It's from Yale.
00:02:09I have an interview next week.
00:02:11I applied for early action for you, honey.
00:02:13My precious little girl going to Yale.
00:02:15We'll have to get through the interview first, Mother.
00:02:17You won't let us down, never have.
00:02:19Never has.
00:02:21Isn't it exciting, too?
00:02:23It's very exciting, Catherine.
00:02:24Are you excited now?
00:02:25I am, Mother.
00:02:26She is.
00:02:27I'm so excited I could burst, I could Yale it from the rooftops.
00:02:36Thank you, Mother.
00:02:40Shit.
00:02:41Everything okay back there, Della?
00:02:43No problem, honey.
00:02:44Just searing off a couple of fingerprints.
00:02:47Carry on, my good woman.
00:02:52Big game's coming up soon, huh, son?
00:02:54Yep.
00:02:56Coach said all the big college scouts are gonna be at the game.
00:03:00Yeah, I know.
00:03:01Speciality of the house.
00:03:03I call it eggs.
00:03:04What the fuck?
00:03:06So much of fine cuisine's down to presentation, don't you think, son?
00:03:10Oh, yeah, absolutely.
00:03:12Wouldn't that be something?
00:03:14You'd be the first member of my family to go to college.
00:03:17He'd be the first member of your family to go to friggin' school.
00:03:22That's true.
00:03:24But, son, if things don't work out, there'll always be a job for you.
00:03:28Woodstand to man.
00:03:30That's bachelor work.
00:03:33Cheers.
00:03:39To me, the greatest living American should have individual accomplishments,
00:03:43but also have a lasting influence on America and or the world.
00:03:47And that is why, after careful consideration, my character...
00:04:00Yo.
00:04:02What's up, boy?
00:04:03Hey, horse.
00:04:05Oh, nice grab, horse.
00:04:07How's it hanging?
00:04:08To the floor, my friend.
00:04:10Now, what say we ship this baby in a warp drive, huh?
00:04:13I want you to feel the wind blowing through the hair in your fine, muscular ass.
00:04:19Hit it, please.
00:04:22Whoa.
00:04:25Okay.
00:04:28Whoo!
00:04:50Well, looky here.
00:04:52Is this not a pencil-necked virgin girl I see before me?
00:04:55I do believe it is.
00:04:56She's standing dangerously close to a vast pool of water.
00:04:59For a smart girl, that ain't so smart.
00:05:01Ha, ha, ha.
00:05:03Whoo!
00:05:05La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:07La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:12La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:14La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:16La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:18La, la, la, la, la.
00:05:20Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:05:22Ha, ha, ha.
00:05:27Whoo!
00:05:37Ha, ha, ha.
00:05:52Okay, just keep walking.
00:05:55No one will notice.
00:05:58Ha, ha. Who wants cotton candy?
00:06:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:06:06Hey, now, I love what you've done with your hair.
00:06:09Thanks. Thanks so much.
00:06:12Whoo!
00:06:14Uh-oh.
00:06:22One, two, three, four.
00:06:26Hey, watch it!
00:06:28Ha, ha, ha.
00:06:30Harry, Harry.
00:06:32What's up, baby?
00:06:33You got a whole lot of people around.
00:06:36Ha, ha, ha.
00:06:41Ha, ha, ha. Nice look.
00:06:44Ah, it's special needs boy and his muse, the lovely Chlamydia.
00:06:48My name is Brianna. You geek?
00:06:50By the way, sorry about this morning. That puddle just drove right up in front of us.
00:06:55Oh, that's okay. Please don't apologize. I understand.
00:06:58Oh?
00:06:59Oh, bet you on this.
00:07:01While archetypal outsiders such as myself rarely fit comfortably into high school environments,
00:07:06this is as good as your life will get.
00:07:09The big football star and his vacuous cheerleader girlfriend.
00:07:12Head cheerleader?
00:07:15Because, let's face it, the old Grey Mattery in exactly top range knows it would stir.
00:07:20So you'll end up with a job in spatula world with your dad and probably marry Brianna here.
00:07:27But soon you'll start drinking to numb this aching feeling you have inside.
00:07:31And you fast forward a few years and you're a drunk, fat, depressed guy at a bar talking about the good old days.
00:07:36While your little wife, whose looks have instantly gone to doo-doo,
00:07:40is prepping up her own self-esteem by indulging in squalid sexual encounters with your friends behind your back.
00:07:49What friends?
00:07:50I'm guessing most of them.
00:07:53Have a good day.
00:07:56Class, please turn to page 488, the paragraph that marks early history, which reads,
00:08:02Combined with the study of mankind in all its aspects, especially human culture,
00:08:09we are therefore examining that society through the exploration of classical structure.
00:08:16Now, do not forget to make full use of your abstract database.
00:08:20And class, please make sure to reference all your source material.
00:08:24That includes the Internet.
00:08:27Okay?
00:08:32But you might want to omit that page from your reference list.
00:08:37Now, Mr. Zbornak will be taking your field trip this week.
00:08:43I tried on the most amazing dress for the dance.
00:08:46I think Beyoncé's wow factor meets Gwen Stefani's off-kilter individuality
00:08:51with just a sprinkling of designer-slut Aguilera.
00:08:54The whole thing's very Madonna.
00:08:56Before she got old, naturally.
00:08:58Sounds hot.
00:08:59Now, I think Armani would be good for you.
00:09:02Stylish, yet understated.
00:09:04So you look good, but you don't distract attention from me.
00:09:07Mr. Dean!
00:09:08If it's not too much trouble...
00:09:10Okay, just a minute.
00:09:13Mmm.
00:09:19Now, take a look at this odd-looking fella.
00:09:22Hmm?
00:09:23Tex Katlipoka.
00:09:26The ancient Aztec god of sorcery.
00:09:29Associated with the notion of destiny.
00:09:31Now, Tex here has got an interesting resume.
00:09:34He was the god of night, lord of the smoke and mirror,
00:09:38a shapeshifter,
00:09:40a powerful SOB.
00:09:43Mr. Dean, do you think I might have your attention?
00:09:47Or does Mr. Horson have something particularly interesting to say?
00:09:52I'm betting on...
00:09:54unlikely.
00:09:56Okay, time is short, people.
00:09:58I want you to pair off and take in the rest yourselves.
00:10:01Remember, research, analyze, and...
00:10:05Describe.
00:10:07Very nice.
00:10:09Mr. Dean and Mr. Horson?
00:10:11I don't think so.
00:10:12Uh, Mr. Horson, you go with Mr. Glixen.
00:10:14Mr. Dean, you go with...
00:10:16Miss Bedwood.
00:10:19Let's get your learn-on.
00:10:23So, you check out any good porno sites lately?
00:10:26I cannot believe I am stuck with you.
00:10:28Let's hope I don't breathe any retard germs.
00:10:30Well, let's hope I don't get any pencil-neck virgin disease.
00:10:33Get stuffed.
00:10:35I hate you!
00:10:36That's because you secretly want to have sex with me.
00:10:39Ha!
00:10:40When I do decide to surrender the flower of my womanhood,
00:10:42I had always imagined it being with someone of my own species.
00:10:45There is no one else in your own species, except maybe Glixen.
00:10:48You are such a moron.
00:10:49You really think that the world revolves around rap music, football, and hanging out with the right crowd?
00:10:53You know what? You make me sick.
00:10:54You think you're so different to everyone else.
00:10:56You're different from.
00:10:57What?
00:10:58You said different to.
00:10:59The correct phrased elegy is different from.
00:11:01Thanks for that information.
00:11:03Now I can say you're no different from any other geek with books instead of friends
00:11:07and know that you won't have to open your big fat mouth to correct me.
00:11:09Neanderthal.
00:11:10Spaz.
00:11:11Toad.
00:11:12Skank.
00:11:13You know, I should pity you, but I can't.
00:11:14I hate you too much.
00:11:15I'd rather cut off my legs with a rusty knife than ever be anything like you.
00:11:20Ditto.
00:11:22Ditto?
00:11:23Ditto.
00:11:24Double ditto.
00:11:25Double double ditto times a thousand gazillion trillion.
00:11:33Hey.
00:11:41I like big butts, I cannot lie.
00:11:43You other butlers can't deny.
00:11:45When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung.
00:11:49Oh, I want to pull up quick because you know it's that butt with stuff.
00:11:52And forevermore she'll find her destiny to live alone no more.
00:11:59Oh, baby, I want to get with you.
00:12:01I had to take your picture.
00:12:02My homeboys tried to warn me with that butt.
00:12:04Good night, Mr. Fluffy.
00:12:31Oh, God.
00:12:32My head.
00:12:33I must be dreaming.
00:12:34Time to wake up.
00:12:35What was that?
00:12:36Oh.
00:12:37Oh.
00:12:38Oh.
00:12:39Oh.
00:12:40Oh.
00:12:41Oh.
00:12:42Oh.
00:12:43Oh.
00:12:44Oh.
00:12:45Oh.
00:12:46Oh.
00:12:47Oh.
00:12:48Oh.
00:12:49Oh.
00:12:50Oh.
00:12:51Oh.
00:12:52Oh.
00:12:53Oh.
00:12:54Oh.
00:12:55Oh.
00:12:56Oh.
00:12:57Oh.
00:12:58Oh.
00:12:59Oh.
00:13:00Oh.
00:13:01Tits?
00:13:02Oh, my God, I have tits.
00:13:04Two tits.
00:13:05I guess that's a regular number of tits, but none for a guy.
00:13:09What's going on here?
00:13:11Oh, my God, my dick's gone.
00:13:13My dick.
00:13:14I have a bush?
00:13:16Two tits and a bush but no dick?
00:13:19Oh, God.
00:13:20This must be a dream.
00:13:21Very, very bad.
00:13:22I lost my dick kind of dream.
00:13:25Just stay calm.
00:13:26What am I saying?
00:13:27What the hell's happened to me?
00:13:29Oh.
00:13:30Oh.
00:13:31Oh.
00:13:32Oh.
00:13:33What is this?
00:13:34Oh.
00:13:35Oh.
00:13:36Oh.
00:13:37Oh.
00:13:38Oh.
00:13:39Oh.
00:13:40We need to talk.
00:13:41Talk?
00:13:42She wants to talk?
00:13:43All right, let's talk about why I'm going through a drawer full of underwear with things
00:13:44with a freaking week on them.
00:13:45Oh, God.
00:13:46Oh.
00:13:47Oh.
00:13:48Oh.
00:13:49Oh.
00:13:50Oh.
00:13:51Oh.
00:13:52Oh.
00:13:53Oh.
00:13:54Oh.
00:13:55Oh.
00:13:56Oh.
00:13:57Oh.
00:13:58Oh.
00:13:59Okay.
00:14:00Yippee.
00:14:01Now my bush knows it's Wednesday.
00:14:07Oh.
00:14:09Oh.
00:14:11Oh.
00:14:13Oh.
00:14:14Oh.
00:14:15Oh.
00:14:16Oh.
00:14:17Oh.
00:14:18Oh.
00:14:19Oh.
00:14:20Oh.
00:14:21Oh.
00:14:22Oh.
00:14:23Oh.
00:14:24Oh.
00:14:25Oh.
00:14:26Oh.
00:14:27At least looks like you and me is going all natural.
00:14:30No way!
00:14:32Alright, coast is clear.
00:14:41Get away!
00:14:57Nell, is everything okay?
00:14:59I just didn't see you there.
00:15:02Your oatmeal is on the table.
00:15:03I'm not hungry. Gotta go.
00:15:05Nonsense. Now you sit down and have some breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day.
00:15:09And oatmeal is wonderful for promoting healthy and regular bowel movements.
00:15:14That's cool. I already took a dump like the size of my own head.
00:15:17Excuse me?
00:15:20Oatmeal is good, mommy.
00:15:28Is this meat?
00:15:32Do you have oatmeal?
00:15:34You're shooting me.
00:15:38It tastes good. Eat up, son.
00:15:40Come on.
00:15:54Jesus, people eat puke.
00:15:58No.
00:16:09Golly, you must have been hungry.
00:16:12You need a second helping?
00:16:13No!
00:16:14You wait there, young lady.
00:16:16Let's go, pretty boy.
00:16:20Let's go!
00:16:22It'll turn you into a big, strong girl.
00:16:28You're right.
00:16:32See you later.
00:16:34Nell?
00:16:36Nell?
00:16:38Nell?
00:16:40Nell?
00:16:42Nell?
00:16:43See you later.
00:16:45Nell?
00:16:47Aren't you forgetting something?
00:16:51Holy crap! Look at the size of that thing!
00:16:55What thing?
00:16:57What thing?
00:17:02Yo, hop in, man. We got places to go. People to see. Women to impregnate. Let's go.
00:17:14Come on.
00:17:21You okay?
00:17:23Yeah, I'm fine.
00:17:25You hit it?
00:17:44Oh!
00:17:46You bitch saw my ride!
00:17:56Aren't we going a little fast, horse?
00:17:57You bet your sweet ass we are!
00:18:00I am going to die.
00:18:07Oh, God. I'm gonna get on a bus. I haven't been on a bus since eighth grade.
00:18:13Oh! Hey!
00:18:15Hey! Hey!
00:18:24Come on!
00:18:30Screw you, assholes!
00:18:33That's no way for a young lady to talk!
00:18:36Sorry! Get a little bitchy when I'm on the ride, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:44Whoa!
00:18:46Sorry.
00:18:47I'm going!
00:18:48Yeah, you too.
00:18:59You!
00:19:01What the hell have you done to me, witch lady?
00:19:03Get your hands off me, you big bully!
00:19:05Gosh, you think I'm responsible for this?
00:19:07I certainly am not, and you're the one who always knows everything!
00:19:10That does not include this!
00:19:13Whatever this is, this is...
00:19:15This is impossible! This cannot happen!
00:19:18Well, it's happening, okay?
00:19:20You better figure out how to get my damn body back, all right?
00:19:23Trust me, there is nothing I would like more.
00:19:25You think I relish waking up another day with the Simpsons?
00:19:28Leave my rents out of this, would you?
00:19:29And what is up with your mother? Has she never heard of volume control?
00:19:33Yak farmers in Tibet praying for her to keep the volume down.
00:19:36And her language! Thank goodness!
00:19:38My mother does not have a mole on her face the size of a White House!
00:19:41Whoa, so she has a problem with moles!
00:19:43Besides, it's not a mole, it's a beauty spot.
00:19:46Well, I can spot that beauty all the way from Wisconsin!
00:19:50Insensitive pig.
00:19:52I don't want to be a boy, okay?
00:19:54I especially don't want to be you.
00:19:57No, no, no, no, no, no!
00:19:59Don't cry, don't cry, not here.
00:20:01Look, look, look, look!
00:20:03Maybe it's just one of those 24-hour things, like a head cold.
00:20:06A head cold?
00:20:07Yes! Tomorrow we could be back to normal.
00:20:10You've just got to get through the day.
00:20:12Try not to attract any unnecessary attention.
00:20:15Okay.
00:20:33Gross! I have to touch it?
00:20:36Oh!
00:20:40I will never eat finger food from a buffet can for as long as I live.
00:20:49Your homework was to prepare a speech on the greatest living American.
00:20:53So, Rihanna?
00:20:55Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Bittermeyer, but I was excused homework due to cheerleading practice.
00:21:00I see.
00:21:02And Nell?
00:21:03Nell?
00:21:05Nell?
00:21:07What?
00:21:08Your speech, please, on the greatest living American.
00:21:15Okay.
00:21:20I think the greatest living American is...
00:21:28J-Lo.
00:21:30J-Lo?
00:21:31You know, Jennifer Lopez?
00:21:33Singer, movie star.
00:21:35She had a bit of a thing with Diddy and that dude from Pearl Harbor?
00:21:40No, I know who J-Lo is now.
00:21:42I am just very interested to hear what you perceive qualifies her for such a unique accolade.
00:21:49Right. Well, see, the thing about J-Lo is that she's from the streets.
00:21:55And now she's like this big movie star.
00:21:59And she's still really cool.
00:22:02She used to have a little. Now she's got a lot.
00:22:05But she's still Jenny from the block.
00:22:08And I think that's pretty damn great.
00:22:11Oh, and she's American.
00:22:15And she's alive.
00:22:18I see.
00:22:24J-Lo? You said J-Lo?
00:22:27Pretty good, huh?
00:22:28It just flew right into my head.
00:22:30Well, at least there's plenty of space for it to land.
00:22:32You made a complete fool out of me in there.
00:22:35What is your problem?
00:22:36I happen to like J-Lo. She has a hot booty.
00:22:39You do not bestow and honor such as greatest living American solely on the fact of a hot booty.
00:22:44I didn't.
00:22:45She also happens to have a terrific set of fun bags.
00:22:49Woody Dean, you're an idiot and a philistine.
00:22:52You know what?
00:22:53I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot.
00:22:56And I don't know what that other thing is, but I sure as hell am not one of them either.
00:23:12Hey, Woody.
00:23:14Oh, what a lovely sight.
00:23:16Swill time at Yeti Central.
00:23:21Dear God, now I have to eat with these creatures.
00:23:25Hey, Woody.
00:23:27Whoa.
00:23:28My parents are going out tonight.
00:23:30Maybe you want to come over to discuss what you want to wear for the homecoming dance?
00:23:34I have things to do.
00:23:36Okay, what I meant was we'd be alone.
00:23:41So maybe I might do that thing where I...
00:23:50You filthy little slut.
00:23:52You'd do that?
00:23:56Last week he begged me to do that.
00:24:00So, what is it? What do you do?
00:24:02Get lost, you little spastic.
00:24:04Tiki, go.
00:24:07I cannot believe Woody turned down the chance to have sex with me tonight.
00:24:11Am I in, like, Bizarro World?
00:24:13If I had Richard Wainwright sniffing around me, I wouldn't be wasting my time on Woody.
00:24:18It's not that simple, Tiffany.
00:24:20Today, football captain.
00:24:22Today, football captain.
00:24:24Tomorrow, GQ man of the year.
00:24:26Sports is celebrity.
00:24:28You need to plan these things.
00:24:30Personally, I'd be relieved if Horst didn't want to have sex.
00:24:32Sometimes I think it's the only reason he's with me.
00:24:35That is so not true, Chanel.
00:24:36You have many fine qualities.
00:24:38Really?
00:24:39Like what?
00:24:42You have excellent taste in earrings.
00:24:45And your hair doesn't do that frizz thing in the rain.
00:24:49And you're friends with me. Case closed.
00:24:57Yo, yo.
00:25:00Hey, what's up?
00:25:02Come on in, my man.
00:25:04How are ya?
00:25:05Cool as a frozen shit cube, homie.
00:25:07Yo, we got an extra practice tonight, alright? Don't forget.
00:25:10Practice?
00:25:12Yeah. I'm in the mood to kick some serious ass.
00:25:15Oh yeah, me too.
00:25:17Only I have a prior engagement that conflicts with the whole ass-kicking thing.
00:25:23We're a week away from the game against Lamar.
00:25:26Do you know what the coach will do to your nuts if you don't show up tonight?
00:25:30No, I'll tell you.
00:25:32He will grind them into dust.
00:25:34Nut dust.
00:25:36Then the only kids you gonna be able to have is them little itty-bitty powdered ones.
00:25:40You know, Horst, it is possible to express oneself without constantly resorting to cursing and crudeness.
00:25:46You know what, you're right, man.
00:25:49I'm sorry.
00:25:51As a show of apology, might I interest you in a bite of my finely prepared luncheon?
00:25:57Or you can just munch on my big juicy man plums.
00:26:01They should be flavorsome. I have not showered in days.
00:26:15Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let
00:26:46All right, here we go.
00:26:49Yo, Wood.
00:26:51Hit the ball, man.
00:26:54What?
00:27:00Woody.
00:27:01Sorry, Coach.
00:27:06All right, yo, let's get this.
00:27:10Wood.
00:27:11Go.
00:27:16Wood, man, come on.
00:27:18Wake up, boy.
00:27:20Sorry, Coach.
00:27:23Okay, go.
00:27:26Got it.
00:27:35What the hell were you doing out there?
00:27:37You playing like a damn woman.
00:27:39Feeling a little peaky.
00:27:40Peaky?
00:27:41Yeah, it means off color.
00:27:42I know what peaky means.
00:27:45You listen to me, and you listen good.
00:27:48This homecoming game is going to be the biggest day in these boys' lives.
00:27:51You may have a God-given talent.
00:27:53You can coast it.
00:27:54But I will not risk you letting them down.
00:27:56You hear me, son?
00:27:57Yes.
00:27:58Yes, Coach?
00:27:59Yes, Coach.
00:28:00You get your shit together, boy.
00:28:02You'll be watching the game from the sidelines.
00:28:07Hey, Woodster.
00:28:09Don't let it bug you, okay, buddy?
00:28:10You just hang in there, okay?
00:28:12Look, you just hit a slug.
00:28:13Okay, it's like a golfer.
00:28:15It doesn't matter how big you are.
00:28:17Every now and again, you lose your swing.
00:28:19Okay, so you keep working on your stroke.
00:28:21You know, banging those balls out all over the place.
00:28:25You want to try touching my helmet?
00:28:27What?
00:28:29My lucky helmet.
00:28:30I mean, it works for me.
00:28:31Maybe it'll do you the same.
00:28:32Go ahead.
00:28:33Give it a rub.
00:28:36What gives this lucky helmet such wondrous properties?
00:28:39It's kind of silly, actually, but, um...
00:28:42You know, the first time Chanel jerked me off,
00:28:44I kind of shot my load all over it.
00:28:47It's a sentimental thing.
00:28:48Oh, man.
00:28:51What is this crappy music?
00:29:09I'm sorry.
00:29:11I'm sorry.
00:29:13I'm sorry.
00:29:14I'm sorry.
00:29:15I'm sorry.
00:29:16I'm sorry.
00:29:17Okay, there's something of a pattern emerging here.
00:29:24Oh, whoops, darn, sorry.
00:29:28Loser!
00:29:29Yeah, you too.
00:29:32And your mama.
00:29:35Whoa, careful.
00:29:37I heard about football practice.
00:29:44Whoa, whoa.
00:29:45I heard about football practice.
00:29:47Those boys are really rough.
00:29:49Covered in bruises.
00:29:50I don't care about your bruises.
00:29:52If coach drops me, my life is over.
00:29:54Why is everybody getting so worked up?
00:29:56It's only a game.
00:29:58No, it's not only a game, it's football.
00:30:01Jesus, don't you get anything?
00:30:03I get that whatever this is, it clearly isn't a head cold.
00:30:05Oh, you have any better theories, Ms. Smartass?
00:30:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at you.
00:30:11What am I wearing?
00:30:14Chino's in an Oxford cotton button-down.
00:30:16I found it in the back of your closet.
00:30:17Oh, which is exactly where it's meant to stay
00:30:19until another one of my relatives croaks.
00:30:21Nonsense, you can't beat a classic look.
00:30:23My hair, you made it all dorky.
00:30:26A center parting is very European-looking.
00:30:28No, it is very dorky-looking.
00:30:30Excuse me for taking a little pride in your appearance.
00:30:32You're gonna ruin my life.
00:30:34I look like a male version of you.
00:30:36Well, as long as I'm stuck inside this disgusting body,
00:30:40you'll just have to put up with it.
00:30:42All right.
00:30:44If that's the way you want it, sweet cheeks.
00:30:51Whoa.
00:31:11Whoa.
00:31:36Look at that.
00:31:38You are looking fine, sugar.
00:31:41What are you doing?
00:31:42Protecting your modesty.
00:31:43You look like a common prostitute.
00:31:45Damn it, I was going for a high-class hooker.
00:31:47You cannot walk into school like this.
00:31:49I can do whatever I want.
00:31:50Don't get your hands off me.
00:31:52Ice cream.
00:32:09Oh!
00:32:20What are you doing?
00:32:22It's supposed to be Shakespeare.
00:32:32Okay, here goes.
00:32:35Nice penis.
00:32:39Whoo!
00:32:53Oh, God.
00:32:55Nothing like a little bit of personal hygiene.
00:33:00Oh.
00:33:04Come on, it's bad.
00:33:06It's super bad.
00:33:07And she's totally pretending to be pretty.
00:33:09I mean, you either are pretty or you're not.
00:33:12Oh.
00:33:14Hello, Woody.
00:33:15Hello, Brianna.
00:33:16I have something I'd like to say to you.
00:33:18Let me guess.
00:33:19You're sorry about blowing me off.
00:33:21No.
00:33:22I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore.
00:33:26Very funny, Woody.
00:33:28Well, I don't find you that attractive anymore.
00:33:31What?
00:33:32You just look kind of plain.
00:33:37And don't worry about your mustache.
00:33:38Some guys are really into that shit.
00:33:42Suck on this, Woody Dean.
00:33:44You need to not just say that to her, okay?
00:33:46See the hairs.
00:33:47Unless you're, like, right five feet away.
00:33:50What just happened?
00:33:51Seems you and your girlfriend just broke up.
00:33:53Commiserations.
00:33:54No!
00:33:55Me and Brianna.
00:33:57Brianna and I.
00:33:58But let's not quibble over details.
00:34:01Broke up with my girlfriend.
00:34:03Don't get over it.
00:34:08I have to go.
00:34:09Tonight's a big night for me.
00:34:12You too.
00:34:13What?
00:34:15Congratulations.
00:34:16Tonight's the night you finally get to visit.
00:34:23Hey, Nikki!
00:34:31Fuck.
00:34:42Here you go, babe.
00:34:44Thanks.
00:34:47Nice, uh, trailer.
00:34:51It's a dump.
00:34:53But, uh, my folks are away.
00:34:56And, uh, we won't be disturbed.
00:35:01Wow.
00:35:04Never seen a chick drink like that before.
00:35:07My, uh, my throat's a little dry.
00:35:13Maybe I could moisten it up a little.
00:35:17Oh!
00:35:19Uh, I, uh, I need another beer.
00:35:24Sure.
00:35:26You okay?
00:35:28I'm fine, thank you.
00:35:29You've been acting kind of weird lately.
00:35:32I think I know what's on your mind.
00:35:36I don't think you do.
00:35:37Well, let me guess.
00:35:39I think you think if you don't impress those scouts
00:35:42that you're going to impress them.
00:35:44I don't think so.
00:35:46I don't think so.
00:35:47I don't think so.
00:35:48I don't think so.
00:35:50I don't think so.
00:35:51I don't think so.
00:35:52I don't think so.
00:35:53I don't think so.
00:35:54You think it's with the scouts
00:35:55that you're going to end up working with your dad
00:35:57in spatula world.
00:35:59What?
00:36:01Hey, stupid Woody.
00:36:03Just let things fall into place.
00:36:07Whatever you do, we'll be proud of you.
00:36:12So, you don't want to work with spatulas.
00:36:16What the fuck, hey?
00:36:17An essential sign out is called on the field.
00:36:20More Monday Night Football after these words from our sponsors.
00:36:23Whoa!
00:36:24Come on, baby.
00:36:26Not here.
00:36:28OK.
00:36:28Let's go through to the master bedroom.
00:36:30OK.
00:36:34Let's get cracking, baby.
00:36:36Because daddy's back.
00:36:41Oh, God, what was I thinking?
00:36:42This is so gay.
00:36:43Hey.
00:36:46What are you waiting for, babe?
00:36:48Daddy wants to see some flesh.
00:36:51He's going to make me his bitch.
00:36:53I'm going to be Woody the bitch boy.
00:36:55Maybe you need a little help?
00:37:00I have to pee.
00:37:02Now?
00:37:03Yeah, I could feel a freaking moat.
00:37:05So you get undressed and don't start without me.
00:37:09OK.
00:37:13Hey!
00:37:14Hey!
00:37:17Hey!
00:37:17Come back!
00:37:26Not this shit again, man.
00:37:29It's very melodic.
00:37:30Come on.
00:37:31If you give it a chance, you might learn to enjoy it.
00:37:37Nope.
00:37:38Still shit.
00:37:39I had a juice on that greaseball on Nikki.
00:37:42No.
00:37:43Him and Pencilman got it on last night.
00:37:52Oh, my God, what, what, what?
00:37:53I know!
00:37:54Didn't you guys hear?
00:37:54No, what?
00:37:55She did it in the trailer park.
00:37:57Hi, Woody.
00:37:58Who?
00:37:59No.
00:37:59She probably didn't even know it was a trailer park.
00:38:01There's no way she knew.
00:38:02Come on.
00:38:10Woody.
00:38:12Are you crying?
00:38:16What's, what's wrong?
00:38:19I'm sorry.
00:38:21I just found out I lost my virginity in a trailer park.
00:38:28OK, all right.
00:38:34Here's, here's what we gotta do.
00:38:36I gotta, I gotta go.
00:38:37I gotta, I gotta class.
00:38:42Oh.
00:38:44It's OK.
00:38:46It's OK, it's OK.
00:38:47I'm fine.
00:39:06Hey.
00:39:07Do you think she might, like, do it with me?
00:39:10No.
00:39:12I'm gettin' lost.
00:39:22What?
00:39:26Look about that. Don't worry.
00:39:28You had a great time.
00:39:31Trust me, you'll never forget it.
00:39:33How could you do this to me?
00:39:35What?
00:39:37I know I ain't the best-looking guy in the world,
00:39:39but what the hell? It's only sex.
00:39:41I wanted it to be special.
00:39:44Well, you started it.
00:39:46It's such a partying, it's very European-looking.
00:39:49You lost me my girlfriend.
00:39:51I was saving it for the boy I fell in love with.
00:40:02Look, nothing happened, okay?
00:40:06Really?
00:40:08Really.
00:40:11Well, that's not what Nikki's telling everyone.
00:40:13Well, Nikki is a liar.
00:40:15Try telling that to the entire world.
00:40:19How does it feel being a cheap little slut?
00:40:26Looks like I'm gonna have to have a talk with that son of a bitch,
00:40:29because nobody calls us a slut.
00:40:42Pass it, pass it!
00:40:46Hey, Nikki, you should hold!
00:40:50Hey, I've been looking for you.
00:40:52Yeah, well, you found me, babe.
00:40:54What the hell did you say?
00:40:56Wait for it, you're gonna love it.
00:40:58Huh?
00:40:59Nothing.
00:41:00Oh, really?
00:41:02That, uh, wasn't 100% true.
00:41:05Nikki, you dog!
00:41:07You're a greasy scumbag liar.
00:41:09You're a greasy scumbag liar.
00:41:11And you've got a very dirty little mouth.
00:41:16Then again,
00:41:18I already knew that.
00:41:21You're a ready little hellcat, ain't ya?
00:41:23You asshole!
00:41:27That's no way to treat a lady, mister.
00:41:30What kind of words, ain't ya?
00:41:31It's just wrong on so many levels.
00:41:33Why don't you tell everyone what really happened?
00:41:35Huh? Tell them!
00:41:37Nothing! Nothing happened!
00:41:39And I think you owe this sweet, innocent,
00:41:41yet still very attractive young lady an apology.
00:41:44No!
00:41:45I'm sorry.
00:41:47Huh?
00:41:48I'm sorry.
00:41:51Thanks.
00:41:59It's so much fun to hit someone.
00:42:01I'm gonna go back and punch him again.
00:42:03Easy, champ.
00:42:06Doesn't mean I forgive you about screwing up Brianna and I.
00:42:09Brianna and me.
00:42:12I'm sorry.
00:42:14I'll try and fix things.
00:42:15What's the point?
00:42:16I'm a girl, remember?
00:42:19Jeez, what am I gonna do?
00:42:21Homecoming's next Friday.
00:42:24Yeah, that's a complete disaster.
00:42:26What were we doing before this happened?
00:42:28Arguing.
00:42:29We always argue.
00:42:30Not always.
00:42:32We were at the museum.
00:42:34Hmm.
00:42:35In front of that ugly Mexican dude.
00:42:37Aztec.
00:42:38Texcatlipoca.
00:42:40That's the guy.
00:42:42He's the ancient god of sorcery.
00:42:47Oh.
00:42:56I'll get it in five minutes, folks.
00:42:58Okay.
00:43:08Okay, you go first.
00:43:09You go first. You have the biggest mouth.
00:43:12Hi.
00:43:13How are you?
00:43:14Is that the best you can do? He's a god, not your Aunt Betsy.
00:43:17Now, you may have gotten the impression that this young fellow, this lovely young fellow and I didn't like each other.
00:43:24Let me tell you, that could not be any farther from the truth.
00:43:27That's right.
00:43:28Sure, we were fighting, but all friends fight, right?
00:43:31I mean, how could you not?
00:43:33Like now, she's tidy, very tidy, and smart.
00:43:38Way smart.
00:43:40Kinda cute.
00:43:41Especially when she does that thing with her nose.
00:43:44We get along really well.
00:43:46Yeah, we're actually very close.
00:43:49The closest.
00:43:50Real homies.
00:43:52To the end, bro.
00:43:53Never do it.
00:43:56So, now that we've got that cleared up, here's what we're gonna do.
00:44:01We'll close our eyes, count to three, and when we open them up, we'll be back in our right bodies.
00:44:07If that's okay with you.
00:44:09Which, I'm sure it is, it's just a big misunderstanding.
00:44:13Probably laugh about it in years to come.
00:44:17Let's do it.
00:44:24One.
00:44:26Two.
00:44:28Three.
00:44:39Maybe he only speaks Mexican.
00:44:41So, what are we gonna do next, buy him an enchilada?
00:44:46Man, my heart's set on Yale.
00:44:48No, no, no, please, not the tears, please.
00:44:51Look, you think I want to end up working at my dad's spatula store?
00:44:55No, no.
00:45:00Wait, wait, wait.
00:45:03You beat up Nikki.
00:45:05So?
00:45:08So, you have my body, my strength.
00:45:13All I need to do is show you how to use it.
00:45:17Huh?
00:45:18Okay.
00:45:20And we could study so you can get through my interview.
00:45:43Three.
00:45:44Three.
00:45:49Four.
00:45:50Four.
00:45:57Yes!
00:46:02Yeah!
00:46:11Okay, ready?
00:46:13Hard as you like.
00:46:15Let's go.
00:46:19Come on.
00:46:24Sorry!
00:46:33The quarterback.
00:46:34Say what?
00:46:35Yes.
00:46:36Once the snap count has been given, the center snaps the ball to the quarterback and that's when the play begins.
00:46:42Are you with me so far?
00:46:44Yes.
00:46:45Good.
00:46:46Now, the offense has a limitless amount of time.
00:46:48Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
00:46:51Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
00:46:54Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too short a date.
00:47:01So, he's not actually saying that she's like a summer's day, he's saying she's kind of hot like a summer's day.
00:47:08Yeah, that's it exactly.
00:47:10Right.
00:47:11You know, I still can't imagine ever actually saying something like that to someone.
00:47:17It'd be like so uncool.
00:47:19Maybe you just have to meet the right person to say that kind of stuff too.
00:47:23Or maybe I just don't want to look like a doofus.
00:47:26Well, Shakey must have really liked that one.
00:47:29She must have been some babe.
00:47:30Actually, Shakespeare wrote this to a young man.
00:47:33Shakespeare was a homo?
00:47:34We don't know that exactly.
00:47:35He writes a poem to a guy telling him how hot he is and you don't know exactly?
00:47:40Geez, what do you have to do before you know exactly?
00:47:43Write an ode to a schlong?
00:47:45I think that's enough for today.
00:47:48The bard was a bender.
00:47:49Who would have thought?
00:47:51See you tomorrow.
00:47:53Night.
00:47:54Night.
00:47:55Night.
00:48:01Listen, I was wrong about your parents.
00:48:03They're alright once you get used to your mom's language.
00:48:06Mom's pretty cool.
00:48:08Yeah.
00:48:09Woody, can I ask you a question?
00:48:14Sure.
00:48:16Um...
00:48:18In the morning...
00:48:21Never mind.
00:48:22What?
00:48:23No, it's nothing really.
00:48:24Go on.
00:48:26It's a little embarrassing but...
00:48:28Every morning you have, uh...
00:48:31This...
00:48:32Thing.
00:48:34You know.
00:48:35No.
00:48:36A...
00:48:37Thingamajig.
00:48:38What?
00:48:40You know.
00:48:42Every morning...
00:48:45Oh, you mean the old boner.
00:48:47No, that's not exactly the word I would have used.
00:48:49Boy, do I miss that guy.
00:48:51I'm sure you do.
00:48:52I'm sure you do.
00:48:53What I'd like to know is how can I get rid of it?
00:48:56Only one way I know how.
00:48:59Woody, that's disgusting.
00:49:00I wouldn't know...
00:49:02There's got to be another way, right?
00:49:05Well, there is one thing that I do in case of emergencies.
00:49:09Sort of lets the air out of the old tire, if you know what I'm saying.
00:49:13First, I close my eyes.
00:49:16And then I think of you.
00:49:18Psst.
00:49:21Works every time.
00:49:23Good night.
00:49:24See ya!
00:49:41Hey, you want one?
00:49:44No, thanks.
00:49:45Thanks.
00:49:47You're kind of quiet up there tonight.
00:49:50Are you okay?
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52Yeah, I was just studying with Nell.
00:49:54Oh, is that what you young people are calling it these days?
00:49:57Nell's not that kind of girl.
00:49:58No, I know.
00:50:01She's a good kid.
00:50:03You know, way back, her dad, Ted, and I used to hang out together.
00:50:08He was a good guy, Ted.
00:50:10He still is.
00:50:12I mean, as far as I know.
00:50:16Whatever happened between you two?
00:50:18Oh, Nell's mom, Catherine, I guess.
00:50:21She didn't really approve or something.
00:50:25We weren't her kind of people, I guess.
00:50:30Good night, son.
00:50:33Night.
00:50:35Dad?
00:50:37Oh, God, she's crying.
00:50:43Chanel?
00:50:45Yeah?
00:50:46You okay?
00:50:48No.
00:50:50Oh, crap.
00:50:55What's wrong?
00:50:57It's Harry.
00:50:59Harry?
00:51:01Yeah.
00:51:02What's wrong?
00:51:04It's Harry.
00:51:06He's seen some other girl.
00:51:09No, he wouldn't do that.
00:51:12Well, then how come I saw him with his tongue stuck down her throat?
00:51:17Did you see who it was?
00:51:19No, they were in his car.
00:51:22I saw what they were doing, clear enough.
00:51:26Why are guys such jerks?
00:51:28Jerks.
00:51:33Why am I asking you, right?
00:51:34You know less about guys than anybody on the planet.
00:51:40I'm sorry.
00:51:41No, I didn't mean that.
00:51:43You're right.
00:51:44I'm sorry.
00:51:45What do I know about guys?
00:51:49I'm so stupid.
00:51:50I know what a horse is like.
00:51:55Then why'd he go out with them?
00:51:59Because when I started at Westdale, I felt invisible.
00:52:04And then I started going out with a horse,
00:52:07and I became friends with Brianna, Tiffany, Woody, and everyone,
00:52:10and then people started to notice me.
00:52:15And I liked that.
00:52:18So I guess I'm just afraid of feeling invisible again.
00:52:24Shh.
00:52:25You know, I think that a lot more people feel that way than you realize.
00:52:30You don't.
00:52:32You go your own way no matter what anybody thinks.
00:52:38I admire you now.
00:52:46This is my room, and this is Mr. Stinky.
00:52:49You have to say hello.
00:52:50Why did you invite that pencil neck to our sleepover?
00:52:54Um, Nell's okay.
00:52:56She just wants to hang, right, Nell?
00:53:00Oh, yeah.
00:53:01Can't wait till we all get in our jammies.
00:53:05I guess.
00:53:08I see you've finally seen the errors of your geekish ways.
00:53:11Oh, I have.
00:53:12This girl just wants to have fun.
00:53:15Okay.
00:53:16Okay.
00:53:17So let's get into our VJs.
00:53:20Woo!
00:53:21Woo!
00:53:22Woo!
00:53:23Woo!
00:53:24Woo!
00:53:25Woo fucking woo.
00:53:33Lock target and fire it.
00:53:35Will you check out that ass?
00:53:38What about Chanel?
00:53:39Huh?
00:53:42No, don't see her.
00:53:43Think about it, Harry.
00:53:45Are you willing to betray the love of a good woman
00:53:47for the cheap thrill of a tawdry one-night stand?
00:53:55Hey, you crack me up, you know that, boy?
00:53:59You were always into the faithful thing, buddy.
00:54:01I'm the horse.
00:54:02Horse people know no such boundaries.
00:54:04And plus, tonight, I'mma lock target.
00:54:08Early.
00:54:09What?
00:54:10You know how it happens.
00:54:12Few drinks, quality control goes out the window,
00:54:15and you know that before you know it,
00:54:16you suckin' face with some swill muncher from downtown.
00:54:19Or worse still,
00:54:21I end up here with you,
00:54:23drunk on some dark street telling you I love you.
00:54:26And you know neither of us want that to happen, homie.
00:54:29Let's go to the party.
00:54:32So, Brianna, you're not seeing Woody anymore?
00:54:35Ugh, that is so over.
00:54:37It's such a shame.
00:54:38I mean, you guys were like the perfect couple.
00:54:40Duh.
00:54:41I was only seeing him because he's the football captain.
00:54:44Without me,
00:54:45he's just another dumb jock with his brains in his shorts.
00:54:47Which is convenient,
00:54:48because there's not much else going on down there
00:54:50if you catch my drift.
00:55:02Hey, you're a loser, man!
00:55:03Drunk that wood, you're gone!
00:55:10Manicures, manicures, face masks.
00:55:12We done yet?
00:55:14Now.
00:55:15I couldn't help but noticing that you're a little on the, um,
00:55:18bristly side.
00:55:21Um.
00:55:22What?
00:55:23Down below.
00:55:25You've got sort of, um,
00:55:27a rainforest thing going on.
00:55:30Uh, it's a bush.
00:55:31Ain't it supposed to be bushy?
00:55:34Oh.
00:55:35We've all gone totally Latino.
00:55:37Totally.
00:55:39Really?
00:55:40You should too.
00:55:41Yeah, absolutely.
00:55:42You know, we could do it for you right now.
00:55:46Latino.
00:55:48What the hell, let's do it.
00:55:51Okay, girls.
00:55:52We have a green light on the Brazilian.
00:55:54Tiffany, bring me scissors and depilatory strips.
00:55:56Chanel, I'm gonna need towels and hot water.
00:55:59Lots of it.
00:56:00Nell, step back.
00:56:02Relax.
00:56:03And do exactly as I say.
00:56:04Go!
00:56:06Go, go, go, go!
00:56:07Go, go, go, go!
00:56:08Go, go, go, go!
00:56:09Go, go, go, go!
00:56:10Yeah!
00:56:14One more.
00:56:15Give me one more.
00:56:16Go, go, go, go!
00:56:17Go, go, go, go!
00:56:18Go, go, go, go!
00:56:19Go, go, go, go!
00:56:20Go, go, go, go!
00:56:22Breakdown on this.
00:56:26Maybe this was a bad idea.
00:56:28Three.
00:56:32Excellent.
00:56:34That's how I love you, man.
00:56:37I really do love you, man.
00:56:40You're like my twin brother.
00:56:45You white, but you my twin brother.
00:56:52Ah!
00:56:54Man, this is one tender Brazilian.
00:56:59How you feeling?
00:57:02A little better.
00:57:06How much did you drink last night?
00:57:08I don't know.
00:57:09I just remember feeling unusually happy
00:57:12and having a really good time,
00:57:14and then it's like someone picks up the room
00:57:16and started spinning it.
00:57:18I don't know.
00:57:19Just an idiot.
00:57:20Think of it as a rite of passage.
00:57:22Just go easy next time.
00:57:24Right.
00:57:27Thanks for taking care of me.
00:57:31Yeah.
00:57:34See you after lunch?
00:57:35We have stuff to do today.
00:57:37I know.
00:57:40Okay.
00:57:41Drop back, pump fake,
00:57:44and then throw the ball.
00:57:46Okay.
00:57:47All right, I can do that.
00:57:52Back.
00:57:53You're telegraphing.
00:57:54You're re-telegraphing.
00:57:55Watch me.
00:57:56Get behind me.
00:57:57Follow what I do.
00:58:00Ooh!
00:58:01What is that?
00:58:02What's what?
00:58:03You're sticking my ass.
00:58:05Oh, sorry.
00:58:06You're meant to be playing football.
00:58:08It's not my fault.
00:58:09I'm sorry.
00:58:10It's your thing, not mine.
00:58:12Yeah, but you're behind the wheel.
00:58:13I guess that means you find me attractive.
00:58:15No, actually, that means you find me attractive,
00:58:18but let's not read too much into it, okay?
00:58:20This thing finds minerals attractive.
00:58:21That is such a guy thing to say.
00:58:23Can we just keep playing football, please?
00:58:25Sure.
00:58:26As long as you keep my dick out of your butt.
00:58:38Come on.
00:59:05Ah!
00:59:06Came through the window!
00:59:07One of the many skills I've acquired, I've laid.
00:59:09Oh, keep our voices down.
00:59:12If my mom knows I've got a boy in my room, she'll spontaneously combust.
00:59:15Trying to decide what to wear for your interview.
00:59:18Navy suit, white blouse, and sensible shoes.
00:59:21You don't think something a little hotter?
00:59:23This is an interview.
00:59:28You're joking.
00:59:30At least now you can tell.
00:59:34I've been thinking.
00:59:36While we're like this,
00:59:38I wonder if it made sense that we go to the homecoming dance together.
00:59:42I mean, only because...
00:59:43Well, who else would we go with?
00:59:45I don't want to be stuck with pencil neck posture the whole night.
00:59:48It wouldn't be a date.
00:59:50No, no, no.
00:59:54I'd like that.
00:59:55Great. That's a date.
00:59:58A non-date date.
01:00:00Now wash hands! Dinner!
01:00:03It's my cue to go.
01:00:13It's all right. I'm okay.
01:00:20I'm going to be kind of late tomorrow.
01:00:23Kind of.
01:00:25Sorry.
01:00:27Kind of late tomorrow.
01:00:30What is with you at the moment, Ted?
01:00:34Sometimes I feel as though I don't know who you are anymore.
01:00:37She's growing up, Catherine.
01:00:43So, are you going to tell me what you're doing,
01:00:46or is it a secret?
01:00:48It's no secret.
01:00:50I'm staying with Woody.
01:00:52Again?
01:00:54Yeah, you got a problem with that?
01:00:57No.
01:01:02If you want to waste your valuable time, it's your affair.
01:01:05Who says I'm wasting my time?
01:01:07Oh, no. You only have to look at the boy.
01:01:10What's wrong with him?
01:01:12He's stupid, he's trouble, and he's a loser.
01:01:15You told me so yourself.
01:01:19There's nothing you can do to change that.
01:01:22Look at his family.
01:01:24They're fighting against basic genetics.
01:01:49Hi.
01:01:51Mr. Bedworth?
01:01:53Is Nell around?
01:01:55Um, she's gone back to school, I think, son.
01:01:58She said she had to do some extra studying.
01:02:00She has her interview with Yale tomorrow.
01:02:02Oh, okay.
01:02:04Well, thanks.
01:02:08So, how have you been, Mr. Bedworth?
01:02:11I'm fine, Woody. Just fine.
01:02:13Good. Good.
01:02:15Well, I'll give my best to your wife.
01:02:18I will do.
01:02:20Bye.
01:02:23Bye.
01:02:35What are you trying to do?
01:02:43Stop. You're gonna hurt yourself.
01:02:45Back off!
01:02:49Why are you doing this?
01:02:53Because this is who I am.
01:02:58This is all I've ever been.
01:03:03I'm not even that.
01:03:10Football is not who you are.
01:03:14You don't get it, do you?
01:03:16People like you never do.
01:03:18People like me?
01:03:20What exactly is it that people like me don't get?
01:03:22People like me.
01:03:25Well, then educate me, please.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:33We like to play ball.
01:03:36Maybe we're even pretty good at it.
01:03:38So, maybe we get accepted to some second-rate shit-kicker college,
01:03:43or maybe we go and work for our dad at the spatula store.
01:03:47Who knows?
01:03:49What we don't get is a great job,
01:03:51a big apartment in the city,
01:03:53and a Yale education.
01:03:55So that's what this is about?
01:03:57The interview?
01:03:59No.
01:04:03Yes.
01:04:05I don't know!
01:04:07It's okay to be nervous.
01:04:09Nothing is okay!
01:04:11Nothing!
01:04:14Tomorrow I'm supposed to be playing the most important game of my life.
01:04:18It's my destiny!
01:04:20Mine!
01:04:22I'm not supposed to be attending some college interview.
01:04:26So we've got the wrong lives.
01:04:28But sometimes you just gotta get on with life.
01:04:32Let things fall into place.
01:04:37Do me a favor.
01:04:39Save your inspirational speeches for someone who gives a damn.
01:04:44I know who I am.
01:04:47I'm a loser, I'm trouble, and I'm stupid.
01:04:49It's basic genetics.
01:04:51Can't help it.
01:04:56Funny.
01:04:58Never took you for a quitter.
01:05:18I love you.
01:05:20I love you.
01:05:22I love you.
01:05:24I love you.
01:05:26I love you.
01:05:28I love you.
01:05:30I love you.
01:05:32I love you.
01:05:34I love you.
01:05:36I love you.
01:05:38I love you.
01:05:40I love you.
01:05:42I love you.
01:05:44I love you.
01:05:46I love you.
01:06:08You can go in.
01:06:16Miss Bedworth.
01:06:18Yes, now.
01:06:20Please, take a seat.
01:06:23Well, now.
01:06:25One of the qualities we hope for in any Yale student
01:06:29is their passion.
01:06:31Your term papers and test results are exemplary.
01:06:35But your love and knowledge of literature
01:06:38is rare in a person of your years.
01:06:41Thank you. It's an important part of my life.
01:06:46Go on.
01:06:50Poetry, for instance.
01:06:54I like the way that it can articulate and express feelings.
01:06:58Complicated and difficult feelings
01:07:00that you can't explain literally.
01:07:04What about modern literature?
01:07:07Are there any contemporary writers or poets
01:07:10that you particularly admire?
01:07:15No.
01:07:17Not really.
01:07:19Oh.
01:07:21Why is that?
01:07:25I don't know.
01:07:27I don't know.
01:07:29I don't know.
01:07:32Because they suck.
01:07:36Oh.
01:07:38Welcome, everybody, to Homecoming,
01:07:40the biggest game of the year.
01:07:42Surely if poetry is no longer relevant,
01:07:45then poets and their art form are doomed to extinction.
01:07:50Ooh.
01:07:57I think that will be all.
01:08:01Oh.
01:08:16Actually, I do like some modern poets.
01:08:20In fact, I love them.
01:08:22Oh.
01:08:24Yeah. 50 Cent, Petey Pablo, Marshall Mathers.
01:08:27I don't believe I'm familiar with their work.
01:08:30They're rap artists.
01:08:32And you consider that to be poetry?
01:08:34Absolutely. It's urban poetry, sir.
01:08:36They talk about their lives and their experiences,
01:08:39and they can be very brutal,
01:08:41but often undercut with humor and dark humor.
01:08:45Here, check it out.
01:08:48Let's hear it for the home team!
01:08:50Let's hear it for Dave Beaver!
01:08:54And that's my boy!
01:08:56Let's hear it if their star quarterback Woody Dean!
01:08:59That is my boy! That is my son!
01:09:01That's my son!
01:09:23Here we go!
01:09:30Number 83, Johnny Chan,
01:09:32serves to the Beavers on a 10-yard...
01:09:34Beavers roll! Beavers roll!
01:09:37...30-yard line. First and 10.
01:09:39I can't even move!
01:09:50Hey, you! You!
01:09:52Leave him alone, or I'll suck you out!
01:09:59Let's hear it.
01:10:11That's a touchdown for the Razorbacks, folks,
01:10:14and they've obviously been practicing their celebration.
01:10:23And it's fourth and 10.
01:10:25Defense!
01:10:30No! No! No!
01:10:36And it's touchdown, Razorbacks.
01:10:39They take the lead, 14-0 early in the fourth quarter.
01:10:43There's still time, folks,
01:10:45but Woody Dean's really got to make the big play.
01:10:48Come on! Come on!
01:10:50We've still got time!
01:10:52Come on!
01:10:54We've still got time for nothing!
01:11:00Come on!
01:11:05Oh, a 12-yard loss on the play.
01:11:08Dean's sacked again. This is really unusual, folks.
01:11:11Come on! Come on!
01:11:13Buddy, you just messed with the wrong girl.
01:11:20Hi.
01:11:21Hi, Mel.
01:11:22I didn't know football was your bag.
01:11:24Yeah, I just came to cheer on the team.
01:11:27Yeah, we're not doing too good.
01:11:30Hut!
01:11:34Whoa!
01:11:38That's my boy! He's my boy!
01:11:41He's my boy!
01:11:44Yeah!
01:11:52Great catch and run by Harry the Horse!
01:11:55Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
01:11:58Such a fat-ass dabble.
01:12:00Okay, point taken, Robert.
01:12:03Want a munch of some dog?
01:12:05Yeah, thanks.
01:12:09Thanks, Ed.
01:12:14Ooh!
01:12:21And the kick is good!
01:12:24Push him back! Push him back!
01:12:26And this is it, folks. Five seconds to go.
01:12:29Time for one more play.
01:12:31Is this make or break for the Beavers?
01:12:38Ready?
01:12:40Hut!
01:12:44One...
01:12:53Two...
01:13:06It's a touchdown!
01:13:08Touchdown, Western!
01:13:10The Beavers win the game on the last leg!
01:13:13Twenty-team!
01:13:15Twenty-team, Western!
01:13:17The first game this season for a touchdown!
01:13:21And the Beavers win!
01:13:23Yeah!
01:13:31What are you waiting here for?
01:13:39Yeah!
01:13:46It was a great game, son. Great game.
01:13:49Decided on a college yet?
01:13:50I've had my heart set on Yale since I was a little girl.
01:13:53That's funny.
01:13:55You know what? Get your parents to give me a call, all right?
01:13:58We're not Yale, but I think you might like what we have to offer.
01:14:00Wow. Thank you so much.
01:14:02No problem. It was a great game.
01:14:09You did it.
01:14:12You were great.
01:14:14Thank you. You see me out there? I totally kicked ass.
01:14:17Oh, and that guy back there, he was a scout. He gave me this card.
01:14:21You're going to college. No spatulas.
01:14:24So... thank you.
01:14:27You know what the best part is?
01:14:28Huh?
01:14:29I totally loved it.
01:14:30I mean, your adrenaline gets pumping, and the crowd was totally into it, and...
01:14:35The interview.
01:14:37Oh, my God, I totally forgot it.
01:14:40How was it?
01:14:42It was amazing.
01:14:44I mean, the place was...
01:14:47For a moment, I really felt like part of it.
01:14:55I gave it my best shot.
01:14:58I'm sure you did.
01:15:00And that's all anyone can ask.
01:15:03And I'll tell you something.
01:15:05They would be lucky to have someone like you.
01:15:12Ditto.
01:15:15You know, if I have to spend my life as someone else...
01:15:21I'd be honored to be you.
01:15:25Ditto back at ya.
01:15:28Double ditto.
01:15:30Double ditto.
01:15:32Double ditto.
01:15:57Woody?
01:15:59Hey, guys.
01:16:01Dang, I'm back.
01:16:02What are you talking about back, man?
01:16:05Woo!
01:16:09Hey there, Mr. Football Hero.
01:16:12Do I look attractive enough for you now?
01:16:28Woody?
01:16:32Please, Mrs. Bedworth, I need to speak to Nell.
01:16:34Well, she doesn't wish to speak with you.
01:16:36I have to talk to her.
01:16:38She isn't going to the dance, Woody,
01:16:40but she did say she hopes you have a good time with Brianna Bailey.
01:16:48For just one moment, Woody, I thought you'd changed.
01:16:57Oh.
01:16:59Oh.
01:17:01Come on, honey.
01:17:03What's that face?
01:17:07You've got everything we've ever wanted.
01:17:10Oh, my God!
01:17:34Oh, my God!
01:17:36Look at Dr. O!
01:17:39Woo!
01:17:53So, do you like my dress?
01:17:56Yeah. Yeah, you look nice, Brianna.
01:17:58It's so tight. It shows everything.
01:18:02I had to leave my panties off.
01:18:05Let's hope you don't get diarrhea then.
01:18:07I'm gonna go get some punch.
01:18:15Harry?
01:18:17Do you like my dress?
01:18:19Yeah, yeah, baby, it looks good on you.
01:18:21WBCR comes to you live from Westdale Bay Homecoming.
01:18:25Big hi to everybody making your way here to see you.
01:18:28I'm coming, I'm coming.
01:18:31Woo!
01:18:36I am so nervous.
01:18:38Are you kidding me? You've got this in the bag.
01:18:40I know.
01:18:41Check makeup? Yeah, okay.
01:18:43We won't be a minute.
01:18:44Oh, Woody, straighten your tie.
01:18:46Photographers.
01:18:53You know, seeing you in that tuxedo is making me feel kind of horny.
01:18:58Let's do it in the bushes.
01:19:00You serious?
01:19:02Yeah, it'd be like doing it with James Bond.
01:19:05Well, you know me. 009 and a half, license to thrill.
01:19:10Hang on, baby.
01:19:15Okay, wait.
01:19:17What?
01:19:18You wait over there, and then I'll walk by like Halle Berry,
01:19:22and then you jump up and grab me.
01:19:24I'm loving this.
01:19:26Woo!
01:19:44Ready when you are, baby.
01:19:46Come and get me.
01:19:48Chanel?
01:19:52Chanel?
01:19:56Goodbye, Mr. Bond.
01:20:04Good evening, Westdale Bay!
01:20:08And the presentation of the crowns for this year's homecoming.
01:20:21Hi, Princess.
01:20:23Hi, Daddy.
01:20:26So you're not going to the dance?
01:20:29No.
01:20:32Does it have anything to do with Woody?
01:20:37No.
01:20:40Maybe.
01:20:44Be like someone else.
01:20:47But is she a princess?
01:20:51Anytime soon, she'll be a queen.
01:20:54No contest, princesses are younger and prettier,
01:20:58especially when they're my daughter.
01:21:05You really like him, don't you?
01:21:09Yes.
01:21:11Me too.
01:21:14I think he's a good one.
01:21:17I think you should go.
01:21:25I don't have anything to wear.
01:21:28Just...
01:21:36There.
01:21:38Now, I'm not usually known for my taste in fashion,
01:21:41but the young lady in the store said it was dope.
01:21:44I have no idea what that means, of course.
01:21:49It's beautiful.
01:21:51It's beautiful.
01:21:53Good. Well...
01:21:56She said you'd need these, too.
01:21:58Now, apparently these are heavy.
01:22:02And for all I know, they could be dope as well.
01:22:09The title of Westdale Bay High homecoming king
01:22:13goes to...
01:22:16my very own footballing hero, Woody Dean!
01:22:21Woody Dean!
01:22:38And now, for the big E,
01:22:41this year's Westdale Bay homecoming queen is...
01:22:47Brianna Bailey.
01:23:01Thank you, Miss Bittermeyer.
01:23:03Principal Johnson.
01:23:05And thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:08There are so many people that I need to share this great honor with.
01:23:12My mother, for her undying support
01:23:14and generous attitude towards cosmetic surgery.
01:23:17My hairdresser, Georgia Theodopolis.
01:23:19My...
01:23:20Thank you, Brianna.
01:23:21Another round of applause, please,
01:23:23for our homecoming king and queen.
01:23:44Thank you, Miss Bittermeyer.
01:23:45Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:46Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:47Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:48Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:49Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:50Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:51Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:52Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:53Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:54Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:55Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:56Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:57Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:58Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:23:59Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:00Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:01Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:02Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:03Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:04Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:05Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:06Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:07Thank you, Westdale Bay.
01:24:08Happy Easter!
01:24:15C'mon, girl.
01:24:26Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
01:24:28Thou art more lovely and temperate
01:24:33Rough winds.
01:24:34Blah, blah, blah.
01:24:35blah, blah, blah, there's something in there I can't remember, and uh, yadda, yadda, yadda.
01:24:42I'm sorry. I'm no Shakespeare. I guess Romeo wasn't much of a quarterback either, right?
01:24:50No.
01:24:52I really wish I had the most perfect and beautiful words in the world to say to you,
01:24:56because if I did, I'd say them, but...
01:25:00I'd tell you how great you make me feel when I'm with you.
01:25:03And how I love that little thing you do with your nose when you smile.
01:25:09You always correct my stupid grammar, and I hate it, and...
01:25:13most of all, I'd...
01:25:15I'd tell you that...
01:25:19you make me a better person.
01:25:23My own person.
01:25:27And that's why I know that this...
01:25:29means nothing.
01:25:34And you mean everything.
01:25:38But hey, I'm just a stupid quarterback.
01:25:43I don't have the right words.
01:25:47Those were lovely words.
01:25:50Perfect words.
01:25:53Come here, dumb jock.
01:25:55Try and stop me, pencil neck.
01:26:01Stop that!
01:26:03I'm the homecoming queen.
01:26:06Let's get out of here.
01:26:08Out of my way.
01:26:10I'm the homecoming queen!
01:26:12What's so great, bitch?
01:26:15How about a little twirl?
01:26:26I'm the homecoming queen!
01:26:30I'm the homecoming queen!
01:26:34When I look in your eyes, I know you cry for me.
01:26:37I feel it, my heart is holding...
01:26:39You know if I miss this, that homecoming...
01:26:41Did Woody Dean win?
01:26:48Silly lord.
01:26:50It's the second time.
01:26:56It's the second time.
01:27:10So how are we gonna do this?
01:27:12What?
01:27:13You go into your shit-kicker college and me go into Yale.
01:27:17What?
01:27:19You did it.
01:27:21It came this morning.
01:27:23Congratulations.
01:27:24You got in?
01:27:28Oh my God, I did it.
01:27:30Me and you did pretty good, huh?
01:27:34You and me.
01:27:36Or...
01:27:38I.
01:27:39Will you just kiss me already?
01:27:42Yes, ma'am.
01:27:55I feel it, my heart is holding...
01:27:58You're just blowing my mind again.
01:28:04Thought I was born to end last night.
01:28:09Until you shine.
01:28:18Woody, can I ask you something?
01:28:21Sure.
01:28:23What happened to my brush?
01:28:26You cannot be serious.
01:28:28A year of sabbatical?
01:28:29I won't allow it.
01:28:30We're talking about Yale.
01:28:31For heaven's sake, Yale!
01:28:34I know, Mom.
01:28:36But what the fuck, huh?
01:28:37What the fuck?
01:28:40What the fuck happened?
01:28:53Woody.
01:28:58Woody, just shut the fuck up.